reminder of His love in pain

I know so many are writing about Thanksgiving right now.... so many posts on being thankful.  Who we are thankful for, what we are thankful for, and Who we are praising for those things.

Where I am right now... I'm really struggling.

I picked this memory verse, with nothing in mind of Thanksgiving.  It just kind of "fits" with that theme, but really another word brought me there....

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe."  Psalm 107:1-2

The word I was following there was the one translated here as love.  In other places and other versions it is translated as mercy, lovingkindness, unfailing love, steadfast love.

Right now I have a great need to be reminded of His love for me.

I am struggling with pain in my fingers (I am cheating now, I probably shouldn't be using these fingers at all right now).  This could be a long recovery... and it takes a long time "hen pecking" out emails and posts when you can only use one hand when you are used to using two.

I am also facing a really hard relationship.  It's the same one I mentioned a post or so ago, about the person that I did things with that I regret and am very ashamed of.  We had barely started to work through it when we ran out of time in our counseling session.

This week we had time.  I have been reeling some since Monday night.  It was hard work folks!  I was so raw when I left Tricia's office.  I was ok, holding together, as I walked out the door, but exhausted.  I walked down the hall to the nearby bathroom, locked myself in and collapsed to the floor.  I was so tired I couldn't stand any more, much less make it down the stairs to my car.  Pretty quickly I started sobbing.  I cried for nearly 20 minutes before I was able to pull myself together enough to clean up, leave and drive home.

My appointment was that hard.

I don't know for sure how to describe it, other than gut wrenching.  I was right back in that relationship again, and the pain of it at the end, and the things that I was doing to keep him.... and I felt stuck and caught and didn't know how to get out... wrapped up in this big curtain, without any way of fighting my way out.

Oh we took so much time working through it, bit by aching bit.
When I was done with the appointment, I physically ached.

I was able to get through the rest of my night with my family and fell into bed.

Yesterday was hard though, because my emotions were surfacing unexpectedly.  My pastor interrupted me in the sanctuary in the morning, as I was sitting in there crying.  Later after everyone was gone, I spent some time in our associate pastors old office, turned prayer room.  And cried there too.

I am still not sure exactly where I am at, but really doubting and struggling with the whole idea that I am worth anything, and that I could be clean and pure in light of all that took place in that relationship.  I am fighting with it for sure.  I know the truth.  It's a matter of getting that from my head to my heart.  It is very hard for me to grasp that God loves me unfailingly, unending, steadfastly without change, EVER.

I have another appointment already set with Tricia two weeks from my last appointment, so another week and a half yet before I see her again... but today I called and asked if there was a chance to make it a 90 minute appointment, and I was able to.  So, for now, I think that has to due.

It's that time when I just have to cling to God with all I've got, and to soak in His word.  As a friend wrote to me earlier this week, I have to take care of my heart.  And when I can't hang onto Him any more, I have to let myself relax and remember that He is holding me with His righteous right hand.

He's got me, even when I have nothing left to hold onto Him with - when I am that slide down the wall, collapse on the floor exhausted.... He still lifts me up and carries me till I am strong enough to start walking again and hanging onto Him.

As one of my friends said today about her own situation, "God hang onto my butt, cause I'm going down!"  Essentially she was saying the same thing I am.

He's got to hold onto me, because without Him holding me, I will be going down for the third time.  I may feel like I'm drowning.... But God.   The best two words in the Bible in my opinion....

But God.

I have to hang onto the hope that He is holding out before me.  And I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures FOREVER!!  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe...... and I am one of those... redeemed from the hand of the foe - redeemed of the Lord.  I will give thanks for His enduring LOVE!

At peace

I'm more at peace now than I ever thought I could be today.  I'm still fighting some jaw pain, though it is much better than it was a couple of days ago.  I am also fighting off a cold.  I crashed cause I was having trouble sleeping earlier this week, and myl body didn't have enough rest to fight off whatever this "thing" is.

I had a counseling appointment yesterday.  I was able to share with Tricia how I finally have closure on a relationship.  How God moved in me through the past couple of weeks to get me to the point of letting go.  I also told her how He kept hitting me over the head with the need to obey Him and trust Him. 

Obedience and trust.  It's like the chicken and the egg question.  Which comes first?  Do you obey God, and do the things He asks you to, and then based on how He brings you through, that builds your trust?  Or is it rather that you trust God, from experiencing His faithfulness in the past, and therefore step out in obedience to what He says?

I have a feeling it's more a mixture of the two, rather than one or the other.

After stepping out in obedience to some things God specifically asked me to do, I know and feel deeper down that I can trust Him and that He has my best at heart.

The problem that I encountered with Tricia yesterday, which I sort of knew was there, but not as big as it was, was getting some of that truth from my mind to my emotions.  From my head knowledge, to a really deep know and believe heart knowledge.

The one relationship I was working through has been laid to rest I believe.  But there is some "residue" left over from that one, that tied directly into another former relationship.  A relationship in which I trusted the person, but was greatly hurt, and out of that hurt and desperation to "keep" the relationship, did some things I am not very proud of.  (and that's an understatement)

Over all it could be argued that I was a young Christian, and though I knew what I was doing, I didn't know any better.  That the other person involved was a Christian longer (not a more mature Christian - I won't give them that) and should have known better than to manipulate me, use me the way they did.

But I did know that those things I was doing were very wrong and they made me sick to my stomach, and still do if I think about them.

For a long time I have buried my guilt and shame and anger at myself.  I was at the point of burying the relationship enough, figuring to have put it to rest well enough with my last sessions with Tricia, that I would never have to revisit it again.

It is interesting how God used one thing (Henry's death) to bring me into counseling, and now that I am there, He has brought up things I have needed help with, or healing from.  It shows me another way He is intimately involved in my life and in my heart.  It shows me His desire to heal me and bring me to a new level in my relationship with Him and with others.

Well, as I talked with Tricia, yesterday, she brought out my care plan, and discussed my progress with me.  It showed that I have made forward progress, which is good, and which in reality I knew.  I have been in such a better place, even when I have been deeply depressed, that things have progressed much more quickly for me this time.  As Tricia said one time, this time has been just a "tune up" for me.

In the care plan, she rated my depression as having moved from moderate to mild (I agree there for the most part, though I am still going to have swings up and down).  She also rated my poor sense of self worth at a mild.  When she said that one, I just looked at her, and she glanced up from reading and questioned my look.  That's what brought up this relationship, and the things I had done.

After we talked a bit about the relationship, Tricia asked if I had a mental picture in my head.  I did.  She asked then if I wanted to do EMDR around the situation.  I said we could, but I wasn't sure even how to go about this, because I felt stupid for even still having trouble with this, with accepting Christ's forgiveness in this specific area, and for forgiving myself.

Tricia said that we could just walk through the negative cognitions (the lies) and positive cognitions that I want to replace them with (the truth) and talk through the process a bit, and if we had time, start the actual EMDR therapy.  We did all that, and did have time to start the therapy.

When we started, I could see in my mind's eye the mental picture, and she had me think about the negatives and see where it took us.  It was hard for me to settle into, because it's been so long.  I was having a hard time concentrating, especially at first.  It was like I couldn't "pin it down."  But I had such a strong sense of disgust that when she stopped the little machine, I said that I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.

She asked me if I wanted to go back there again.  I said, "no but yes, I will."  She turned back on the machine and again it was hard to concentrate, but near the end of that chunk of time, I was not only feeling like I was going to be sick, but emotionally I hurt, I was scared, and I was starting to be able to pin down the image in my head, rather than having it flit all over, and I was able to think about how it made me feel, and the lies it fed.  

I remember hearing Tricia say softly that I was still in her office, still safe, but to let the emotions come.  Oh, that was hard.  I couldn't, not all the way.  I might have cried a little bit, but more than anything I was feeling pure revulsion when she asked me to take a deep breath.  I could barely manage the breath.  She asked me to do it again and then turned off the machine.  I sat up and as I looked around her office, reorienting myself, I realized I was shaking - inside and out.

Tricia asked what I had experience there.  Part of it was that revulsion and loathing, but that it hurt and that I was coming up against this wall, this black wall and it scared me.  She said she wanted to keep on going, but she had another appointment following me and couldn't give me more time then.  She said too that she didn't want to leave me in an "unsafe" place or emotional state.  So, she asked me to think about the place where I feel safe.  My "safe place" right now is somewhere I run when I need to get out of my office, when I need a quiet place to spend with God, when I need comfort.  It's the sanctuary at church.  Right up near the front, by the piano usually.  Sometimes, right on the floor in front of the first row of chairs, looking up at the cross on the wall.

So, I went there, in my mind, starting to feel the peace again of that place, and it started to outweigh the other emotions that had been stirred up.  She stopped the machine again, and then had me go back there one more time, this time thinking about one of my more favorite songs at the moment.  I was able to relax into that, and when we were done, felt much better than I had at the first.  I felt more able to handle the rest of the day.

We prayed together and I left, heading to town to get the kids from school.  After spending time with them, they left for the farm, and I was able to have some alone time.  I sat and contemplated how I was doing.  I realized that truly, despite the hard stuff I had come up against that afternoon, I was doing really pretty good.  I had peace.  I still do.

I know I am going to have to face up to this relationship in two weeks.  But two years ago, if we had had to leave something hanging that long, I would have been in a panic.  God is so good in giving me the peace I need.

I have a couple of assignments from Tricia.  One is to find passages of scripture that talk about how God sees me, through Christ's blood.  I also need to see if I can find scriptures that talk about my needing to focus on Christ.  (Like in Hebrews where it talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith).  She challenged me as well to watch the movie "The Passion."  I have never seen it.  She said that when she walked out of the movie, after having watched it, she just said that she knew then and there how much God loved her.

I spent time in God's Word last night, and time journaling and praying. 

I woke up this morning having had a good night's sleep, and still feeling like I am close in His arms and His peace.  It is a wonderful feeling.  One I haven't had in a long time, at least not consistently.

I'm so thankful!  Yes, there is hard stuff coming.  There are going to be more hard "letting go" opportunities.  God is bigger than all those things.  God loves me through all of them.  He isn't surprised by anything.  He still sees me through Christ's blood and sees me as whiter than snow.  That won't change. 

Oh God, help me keep my gaze fixed on You.  You are my comfort and strength and shield and protector.  Thank you for this incredible mercy of Your peace and feeling of being sheltered and protected, held and comforted right now.  May I continue to rest in you in these coming days.

Building parallels

Well, my jaw isn't broken, just got jammed and the soft tissues inflamed, so I am having to take it easy on what I eat, soft food, ibuprofen, ice or heat as needed to take away pain or sooth sore spots.  I saw the dentist today, and I will be going back in 4 weeks for a general check-up and cleaning.

The hard part is I find myself trying to keep from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth.  Which causes the muscles to be even more sore than they need to be.

My left hand, that I landed on is still sore though.  It may stop my trying to write as much as I want tonight.  I landed on it, trying to catch myself on Friday, though my chin took the brunt of my fall.  I jammed something, somewhere, though it's not broken, but it's going to be a while for it to heal enough that small things like typing don't hurt anymore.  It's the top of my pinky and ring finger that hurt, and sometimes my middle finger too.  Depends on what I am doing.  Sometimes it surprises me because I am carrying something and my hand suddenly hurts and I almost drop what I'm carrying.  Though that is usually when I am carrying something far too heavy for that hand to handle.

It's interesting that in the middle of this, I can see how God is working and building parallels in my emotional/spiritual life.

A while ago, I took a spiritual/emotional tumble.  I got torn open pretty badly.  People have helped me get to where I need to go, between pointing me to God, praying me through it all, and making sure I have seen my counselor.  Tricia has been giving me assignments that have drawn me further into the pain.  These things, going into the painful areas has been so hard.

I really have been thrown into a tailspin.  It has hurt so much to have to write some of the things she has asked me to.  Once they have been written, I have been able to put them out of my mind for a while, until I go back to an appointment with Tricia, and have to read those writings to her.

I read one two weeks ago to her.  At the end of it, Tricia shared some things that I probably needed to do to help me cut the emotional ties I have in this particular instance.  Getting rid of some things, purging them, letting them go.  Part of that was done in the writing.  But some of that had to be done in the physical letting go of things too.

For these two weeks since, I got sick and was laid low last weekend, and then this past weekend I had my fall and was laid pretty low as well.  My weekdays were full with work, kids and home stuff.  Good stuff, but finally, over this past weekend, I started coming to terms with the idea that I wasn't obeying God.

God used Tricia and a few other key people in my life to encourage me to do the right thing.  To do the things that God wanted me to do to be able to walk in more freedom.  He was speaking very clearly to me, and I knew it was Him, through His word, through sermons, through the Breaking Free bible study, through my friends.

I just was choosing, for the past two weeks to wallow in my self hate, bitterness, unforgiveness, unwillingness to accept God's grace and forgiveness to me.  I've been fighting with letting go.  What's going to happen if I let these things go, the physical things, but more than that, the attachments, the emotional ties I have found buried deep.

As I have struggled, I have heard God telling me the same thing over and over, "Submit to Me, surrender it to Me, I can carry it.  My yoke is easy, kind, and much lighter than the one you are trying to drag around." 

One of the things that I got out of this week's sermon... again, something that God has been pounding into my head.

If you feel that you aren't hearing from God, see if there is any spot that you aren't obeying Him on.  Do that thing, and then listen again.  He doesn't withdraw Himself from you, but your lack of obedience will make it really hard for you to stay close to Him.  That makes it hard to hear from Him, because you're not doing what He's asked you to in the first place.  You've placed a barrier up between yourselves.

Ok, so it wasn't said verbatim that way, but that's what I got out of it.

After being shaken up this weekend, I spent some time praying on Saturday night, journaling before my meds took me out for the count.  I made a mental note to see if I could get together and actually talk face to face with my friend Cindy D.  We've been emailing back and forth, this past week, encouragement to one another, but not been able to really see each other and talk face to face.

Sunday, I had to play piano for church.  My hand was sore, as was my jaw, but I managed it.  I ended up having to use dish soap to take off my wedding ring, because my left hand and those two fingers started swelling after I got done doing all the playing for the worship team.

I chatted with Cindy D. a bit and asked her if she was doing anything after church.  She laughed at me and asked me if I wanted to get together, if I was asking her if she wanted to talk with me for a bit....  I told her that was what I was asking in a round about way.  We had a good laugh about it, and then decided to meet at a near by park in a bit, that way we were able to enjoy the weather and still talk.

We got together and talked for a while. Longer than I had anticipated.  During that time, I could tell that God's hands were all over that conversation.  From her perspective and life experiences, she was able to listen to me and hear my heart, and then ask guiding questions and pointed questions.  Some of these questions, under normal circumstances I would have never answered... even if Tricia had posed them.  I probably would have gotten so angry and shut down.  They were that hard.

But God had opened up my heart.  He opened up that old wound so much in the last couple of weeks, and there Cindy D was asking the pointed questions to help me clean that huge gaping wound with the Truth.  The truth of what I really believed, what I really needed, what I was really clinging to, and what I was really avoiding doing.

I needed closure.  After my three hour conversation with Cindy D. I was able to go home, talk to my hubby a bit, and do what I needed to do.  I threw out a bunch of stuff.  I feel lighter now.  I felt lighter yesterday.  Last night, I did some more cleaning out.  Getting rid of things.  It made me aware that there is more to do in different areas as well.  But, one area at a time.  There is a lot of garbage that has collected in areas I thought I had already cleaned out and closed the chapters on.  Maybe I have only done surface cleaning there, and now need to do more deep cleaning - or let God do the deep cleaning.

Getting rid of these things was like the wound finally getting fully cleaned out.  Ready for healing.  The rough edges trimmed off, the dirt scrubbed out.

Letting go of the emotional attachments, it's still taking me a bit to learn to leave them alone.  They will die out.  But it is like a dying out of a part of me.  I have to stop treating myself like crud because I believe I am crud.  I have to start seeing myself as God sees me.  I have to start saying it, out loud, whether I believe it or not fully yet.

God is stitching me up.  But that means I have to be flat on my back, letting Him do the work.  I can't fight Him, I can't move around, I can't get up, because I won't heal if I do.  If I don't let Him do His work, I won't be able to move on.

Now is the time that I need to just fall into His arms of love.  I need to feel His love, my Father's love holding me, comforting me, healing me.  I need to be wrapped in a comforter, on His lap, leaning against His chest, listening to His heart beat.   I need to listen to that heartbeat of His because it calms me down.  When I calm down, I can rest, I can heal and then I am ready to get up when it's time to go on and to the next right thing.

So, I am off to rest some more.  Let my physical body rest and heal, and let my heart and soul and spirit rest too.  It's easier sometimes to get my physical body to calm down and settle in, but a lot harder to get my mind to settle, and my heart to stop taking flight, and my soul and spirit to relax enough to really hear God's heartbeat for me.

Thank You Jesus that you helped me write this, because when I started this post, I had no idea where it was going.  Thank You for showing me the parallels You have drawn in my life to teach me.  You Jesus, are so wonderful to me.  You have blessed me with incredible friends and counselors, with a great pastor and church, with a family that loves me and cares for me and helps me.  I am blessed immeasurably, more than I could have ever asked or imagined!  Way back when I first became a believer, I could have never dreamed that I would be where I am today, or that I could have survived all the things I have.  You have saved me.  Oh my God, you have saved me!  You have bought me back, redeemed me, paid for my debts when I couldn't, and I am now yours.  You have called me by my name, and I am Yours.  Thank you!  Help me continue to cling to You and to look back, when I doubt, or when I need to remember to dance for joy, to read these old blog posts as reminders of what You have done, and what You have promised to do. 

Submit, resist, come near...

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7-8a

These verses jumped out at me today, and though I have tried to put them away, they seem to fit in with a theme I have been noticing lately.

I have talked about it here.

Surrender.
Letting go.

No matter what I do, God keeps telling me to surrender to Him. I keep asking, "What? What is it you want me to surrender." He just keeps saying "Surrender."

You think by now I would have gotten it. I have been flailing around trying to figure out what I haven't surrendered to him. What in the world have I left out? How could I still be holding back from God? What would I possibly still be holding back from God, and why? Because I know all the incredible things he has done to heal me. There is no reason to hold back.

Then this verse popped up several times today.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God."

I didn't get it really, still don't totally. Now that I have looked back at former verses and gotten the context, it has helped.

The previous verses talked about friendship with the world. Friendship with the world is hatred toward God. God has asked me to give up some things that aren't inherently "bad" but they have caused me to love the world more, idolize some things, and therefore, that makes me an enemy of God. Can that be possible? But the verses refer to how God is a jealous God - the Spirit He placed in us envies intensely.

Because of our (my) tendency to love the world and the things in it, then I must submit myself to God. It's a surrender..... but when I think of a surrender, I think of Him asking me to surrender something specific.

Submitting myself to God is different. It means that I am opening up myself to Him. Submitting. Trusting. Purposely placing myself under His Hand. Allowing Him to work, even when I know its probably going to hurt.

When I am finally ready to do that - you know what happens?

I'm sure you do.

Think about it. You're ready to submit to God's will. You're ready to let go..... and along comes the enemy, with every good and reasonable sounding excuse to wait. To hold on. To take the time to "figure it out" before you actually do what God is telling you to do.

What does the next sentence say?

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

Resist him - even when you are tired. That is the hardest for me. I just told God this morning that I was tired. So many times I have cried out to God that I am too tired to fight anymore. That's it. That's all I've got, God.

But if I resist. If I allow God to strengthen me in resisting (which He will, especially when I am submitted to Him) the devil will flee from me. FLEE!!!

And when I am feeling so dry and alone and worn, I "come near to God and He will come near to [me]." What a blessing that when I have nothing, if I come near to Him, He doesn't pull away.... He draws closer.

I think of when I am with my kids on the couch. When they push away and won't come closer when I ask, it makes me further from them, and they feel further from me too. But when they submit to my arm around them, when they draw close and snuggle in, it is so natural for me to rub their back, comfort them, love on them.

Isn't that what God does for us too? When I come closer to Him, intentionally positioning myself in His presence, focusing on Him, I feel Him there with me. I can feel Him loving on me and wrapping His arms around me.

Then I am sitting in His lap. I am safe in my Daddy's arms.

Ok, God - here I am. I want it and yet I fight it at the same time, though I know You are trustworthy and true. I am placing myself under Your hands. Under those healing hands of Yours that have done nothing but love, heal and help me. I see my past. I see how You have been so faithful to showing me Your love in spite of it all. I see how You have been so loving and gentle with this fragile heart of mine. I see how You have tenderly taken me and showed me a bit at a time the truth of Your Word. You have shown me the lies and slowly rebuilt my mind to recognize and lean towards the truth, rather than the old worn tapes full of lies from the past.

God, my Daddy, I choose to trust You because I know, even when it is hard for me to believe, that You have my best at heart. Oh come close to me, as I come close to you, because this little girl inside needs some cuddle time in her Daddy's lap!

one of those days...

There are those days for me when I don't want to go back and see Tricia, my counselor.

Sometimes they are days when I am doing poorly, or frustrated, or really depressed and feeling like there is no hope, so why go at all.

Then there are the days where I am feeling better. I feel and see hope. I am able to focus. I am able to hear a bit from God again... at least a little.

In both of those cases, I feel like I am going to be wasting Tricia's time and my money. What's the point of going, because maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill?

Yesterday was one of those days that I was feeling better. It was quiet in the office because everyone is gone on vacation except for me, so there were no incoming calls. I was able to spend some good time with God before work started. But it was more than that.

Over the end of last week, I spent a good amount of time at Sandy's house. She is dog sitting but was out of town the first couple of days, so I was the temporary stand in. I went over to her house three or four times a day between Thursday afternoon and Saturday afternoon.

I was able to have some nice quiet time in Sandy's house, both Thursday night and Friday morning. When I came back on Friday night, I found I kept looking over at Henry's empty recliner.

I finally got up.
I couldn't refuse the inner prompting I was getting.

I walked over to his chair, sat down and curled up in it. Then the tears came. Oh I cried! I don't know for how long, but do know that I had limited time there, so I had to keep it relatively short.

The next morning when I went back to let the dog out, we came back inside and I did the same thing again, curled up in Henry's recliner and cried for a while.

All I can say from the experience was that I felt like it was the closest I was going to get right now to that hug from my Daddy that I need so badly. That hug from my Papa.

Maybe a little bit more healing took place then. I am not sure. But that may have affected how I felt yesterday. Better, and more able to work and concentrate.

I'm not sure what God is doing. I am struggling with surrendering some things to Him and of course everywhere I look, I see and read about surrendering to Him. Letting go. Abandoning our jars, like Joy said, rather than clinging to them ourselves, believing they are the most important thing, and that we can't live without them.

Sunday morning I got to church well before anyone else. I spent some time praying through the church, and praying for the service. Something in me caused me to get on my knees and I just lifted up my hands to God and asked Him to take all of me and use me that morning.

I can't say I "felt" any different, but I think it gave me a new outlook on the day.

That wasn't the specific surrender that God has been asking for. He is looking for me to give up some specific things, and I have been less than willing to listen, less than willing to try it His way. You see, I have these "default" coping mechanisms. Things that I automatically do or think, that I use when either I want to run from God or run from the emotions I am experiencing at the time.

It can be generally ok things like reading, playing on the computer, watching TV or a movie.... It can be some not so healthy things like over eating or impulsively running out to get something specific to eat if I don't have it in the house, or just plain impulsive shopping.

But they become bad things when they come between me and God. I know that. but I am running back over and over to the same old defaults and not to God with my emotions or pain or frustration.

Why am I so afraid to go to my Father? Isn't that what I have been saying all along? That I need my Daddy?

Maybe that is why, when it comes time to going to counseling, I don't want to go, or I have one of "those days" where I feel like I shouldn't go. Because maybe Tricia will be able to help me answer those questions. Maybe she will be able to help me get at the root of why I am running away rather than running to God.

Whatever the stronghold might be (if there is one) or the bondage that might be there, of course the enemy of my soul and yours doesn't want it broken apart. So he comes at me either subtly by giving me such a good day that I can try to talk myself out of going. Or he comes at me with such a horrible day that I just want to skip it because what's the point when there's no hope....

I'm going to counseling tomorrow.
I'm going.
I'm not sure I'm fully willing, but I'm going.

And if the Lord will make me even willing to be willing, maybe something will start to change. Maybe I won't have so many of "those days," and won't be so afraid of the hard work and change going to see Tricia will make me do.

four hours...

Four hours.

Four. Hours.

That's how long I played the piano today.

Four.
Hours.
Straight.

I am filling in for our normal pianist for worship team. She had picked the music sets already for me, but there was a song or two that were really hard, as they were new and I had a hard time singing and playing them at the same time.

Did I mention they are also putting a mic on me at the piano? I'm singing too.

So, I pulled out the song that I couldn't sing AND play. Then I tried to fit in another song. Then that didn't work with the ones around it, and lo and behold, I kept only one of her songs in that set, and rearranged everything else.

It turned out well.

But it meant I really had to practice a lot tonight. So I started at 5pm after I was done with work. I played till almost 8pm took a 15 minute break, and then started rehearsal with the worship team - till 9:15pm or so.

It was hard work. My hands, fingers and arms aren't used to that hard work. On top of that, the grand piano at church has a harder touch than my piano at home, so I have to press the keys harder. Thus, more muscle work out.

However.

I spent 4 hours... on the piano... playing...
worship music.
playing and singing worship music.

To my God.

I may be exhausted. My voice is almost gone. My fingers can hardly type this. However, I think it was worth it.

God did something through that. The words must have sunk through to my sub-conscious. So, even when I was all worried about the chords and music and technical aspect, the truth about which I was singing somehow permeated me and touched my heart and soul where it needed it.

I didn't realize it till I got home.

I spent a bit of time with some friends, talking in the parking lot for a few minutes after I was done. Just hanging and finally relaxing from the day. It was a nice end to the day. Worship and then a little bit of fellowship and laughter with some friends.

I came home lighter than I went to work, by far.

God did that, folks. It was NOTHING I did at all.

I still have the same problems...
I'm still exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically....
I'm still grieving....
I still have guilt and the strong desire for forgiveness...

But God worked in my heart and reminded me that He still loves me.

One of the songs we sang talked about how God is mighty and strong to save.

"Oh what a Savior, freedom forever!
We lift our hands with chains undone.
Hearts have known mercy,
Cannot keep silent.
We sing a song of saving love."

Amazing words.
About our amazing God.

MY amazing God.

I am still extremely exhausted, but the very long day was worth it in the end...

My Father met me in a way I didn't expect and gave me a measure of peace tonight. It's enough to get to sleep with. I know He will give me enough for this weekend of crazy family stuff. He will give me enough to get through worship this Sunday, and He will use me to help lead others in worship. If I can do that, it will be more than enough.

Because He is more than enough.

He showed up for four hours.

Four.
Hours.

It was worth the time.

I need my Papa

I need my Papa.
My Daddy.

My Abba Father.

I didn't realize how much, I guess.

I talked to a friend tonight. A friend that God restored to me. A friendship He restored and renewed for both of us, in His divine timing.

We talked, and the walls I had up during the day just crumbled near the end of our conversation. I could hear God's whisper in her words.

I started to cry. At first I think I was trying to hold it back. Then I couldn't anymore. She started to pray. I sobbed. She prayed that I would be able to climb up in God's lap and feel His arms around me, rocking me and telling me it's going to be ok.

I could just see it. God does that sometimes for me. He helps me visualize something, and it goes so deep....

I could see myself curled up in my Daddy's lap, clinging to Him as He rocked me back and forth in His arms.



Papa.
Papa!!
It hurts! It hurts so much. I don't know what to do with it. I hurt. Deep inside. It scares me. This depression and despair that crushes me down into bed in the morning, daring me to try to climb out of bed, much less take a deep breath.... It dogs my heels during the day, and rushes and jumps on me as I get more and more tired.
I fend it off by trying to stuff how I am feeling, how I am doing. But I know You know.
Daddy, I need to be held. I need You to hold me. I need to feel physical arms to hold me. I need You to strengthen me. My arms are feeble. My legs are weak. I am so weary, a deep, down inside, mind numbing weary. I can't do this anymore. I know You will in me. But sometimes I don't even have the strength of will left to even let You.
I need my Papa!
I need You. I ache for You... I am dry and weary and there is no water. I know that You hold me in Your arms. Papa, help me to cling to You, and You alone!



Oh to be able to literally feel myself rocked in His arms. The arms of my Daddy.

Henry was a father to me in many ways - a stand in for my own father who is 3 hours away from me. I am going to miss him so much. I know I will see Henry again. And maybe time will soften this blow.......

But right now....

I need my Papa.