God has it all...

This morning, as I sat in the sanctuary, I had a bible in my hands and it fell open to Psalm 18.  (No, it wasn't my bible, so I can't say that my love of that Psalm helped it there....)  and this is what I read:

 

"He brought me out into a spacious place;

He rescued me because He delighted in me."  vs. 19

 

A spacious place... an open area, or a place of safety as one translation renders it....

 

And I felt that there this morning.  I knew that God has it all.  

 

I mean, we are selling our house so we can move to the farm. But first we have to paint, clean, empty out and do some repairs.  At the same time, still live there with 2 kids and 2 cats.  How in the world are we supposed to keep this little house clean enough to show it?

Yet.

God can see it.  He knows what we will do.  He knows our choices.  He knows the buyer.  He knows how He is going to use this house. He knows how He is going to use us in the lives of the buyers, in the lives of Dave's family.  He knows how it is all going to turn out....

 

... and suddenly I could breathe again...

 

He brought me out to a spacious place - (into a place of safety)

Why? 

Be cause He delights in me.

Period.

 

He delights in me.  In you. In everyone He created.  He rejoices over us with singing.

All these thoughts flooded me as I sat there in His presence in the sanctuary, my safe place.

I had peace.

 

 

It's so amazing, that peace that passes understanding.

I just look at where God has taken me, and though I am overwhelmed with the thought of prepping my house for painting with my dad, much less anything else, I know that God has taken me through so much worse.  

 

There was no way I could have persevered through what I did without Him pushing me all the way.  He was the one who placed that little bit of grit and determination in me to keep me going, even when the rest of me wanted to die, stop and forget, and give up.  

 

As Psalm 18 says in the New Living Translation:

 

"Lord, You have brought light to my life; my God, you light up my darkness.  In Your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale any wall." vs. 28-29

 

The impossible things that we are up against, that seem like such a high wall to climb, they aren't impossible with God.

God has taken me into my promised land.  Once the Israelites were in their promised land, they had to fight for every square foot of it, even though it was theirs.  They had to take it from their enemies, even though it was theirs.

I have to take my promised land too. Its different, but the same.  I have to take the land that is mine, but not in my strength but God's.  Its with HIS strength that I can crush an army.  It is WITH my God I can scale any wall.

My wall and army is my house and the mountain of work there for me to do.  But my God's strength is more than enough.  

 

Without Him, I will not be able to scale the walls of my Jericho, but with Him, I won't have to even touch those walls. 

 

They'll just come tumbling down!

A new place...

A new place.

That’s where I am now. 

In a new place.  I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.

Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him.  He prompted me to surrender to Him completely.  I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future.  I was going to trust Him with everything.

After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something. 

It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.

We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.

As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me.  To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need."  However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need."  Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table.  That kind of sufficiency.

It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.

 As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.

When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray.  All I could do was cry.  As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep. 

In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.

I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing).  I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into.  As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head.  I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough.

I couldn't get it out of my head.  A day or so later, I was discharged.  Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week?  Yup.  You guessed it...

So, now back full circle.

Enough.

Sufficient.

God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.

Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life.  I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.

Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.

Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry.  I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me.  I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)

When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions.  I had to.  I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me.  But I could hardly stand it.

The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”

I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me.   He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace.  He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.

I know He will always be working to free me and restore me.  Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.

Wednesday, that is exactly what happened. 

God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.

I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression.  Free from needing to take medications.  I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore. 

I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds.  He has for others. 

But then I realized.

Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders.  (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)

He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago.  He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.

Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.

Surrender more.

Trust more.

With a faith deeper than before.

So I said it.

He used depression to get me here.

So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him.  Obeyed Him.

I prayed.

“Ok, Lord.  I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”

Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered

Now what?

Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs.  Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used.  Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand.  Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all.  Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.

Newly healed legs.  Strengthened ankles.  Feet solidly placed on the Rock.

He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him.  Resting.  Looking.  Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.

Just waiting. 

And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me. 

Being a wife and mother.

Doing my administrative job.

Assisting on the Communications Team.

Leading worship on a Worship Team.

And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.

This is truly a new place for me.

And I am overwhelmed….

Darkness has brightened....

Yesterday found me struggling.  Missing my parents and our Christmas Eve traditions.  I was experiencing a deep exhaustion, depression, and a pressure of deeper darkness than I have had for a while.

I struggled to hang in there and just breathe.  I curled up under the blankets after having cleaned a friends driveway, trying to warm up and trying to regain my composure.  Trying to prepare for celebrating with Dave's family.

I called a friend and we talked on the phone for a little bit and she shared with me and asked some questions, and then told me she was going to lift me up in prayer.

I grabbed my heating pad, bible and journal and curled back up under the covers, still trying to get warm.  I spent some time in prayer and slowly relaxed as I warmed up.  I spent some time in tears as I tried to pray.  Finally I was able to settle my heart, and read through a Psalm.  Then I set my alarm and succumbed to what I really had wanted to do in the first place.

I curled up, under the covers, pulled them over my head and was finally able to sleep for just a little bit.

I got ready, Dave picked me up and we headed to the farm to spend time with his family.  I was able to relax and converse and just have a good time catching up with his relatives.

I wasn't able to spend any time in the Word last night, but this morning I woke up and didn't have to rush too much, as the kids were at the farm and had their stockings to keep them occupied for a little bit.

Before I even stepped foot out of bed, I had the chance to pray, read through parts of Luke 1 and 2, journal, just rest in His presence.

God rested me, held me, comforted my heart.
He renewed me.

I am still tired, and struggling some with my mood, and the sense of depression, but the deep exhaustion has lifted some, the darkness has brightened, just like a candle flame brightens a dark room.....

.... and I am reminded.

You, O Lord keep my lamp burning, my God turns my darkness to light.  (Psalm 18:28)

God is good my friends.  Sing praises to Him today.  He is the lifter of my head.  May you experience His love, joy and peace this day and every day.

At peace

I'm more at peace now than I ever thought I could be today.  I'm still fighting some jaw pain, though it is much better than it was a couple of days ago.  I am also fighting off a cold.  I crashed cause I was having trouble sleeping earlier this week, and myl body didn't have enough rest to fight off whatever this "thing" is.

I had a counseling appointment yesterday.  I was able to share with Tricia how I finally have closure on a relationship.  How God moved in me through the past couple of weeks to get me to the point of letting go.  I also told her how He kept hitting me over the head with the need to obey Him and trust Him. 

Obedience and trust.  It's like the chicken and the egg question.  Which comes first?  Do you obey God, and do the things He asks you to, and then based on how He brings you through, that builds your trust?  Or is it rather that you trust God, from experiencing His faithfulness in the past, and therefore step out in obedience to what He says?

I have a feeling it's more a mixture of the two, rather than one or the other.

After stepping out in obedience to some things God specifically asked me to do, I know and feel deeper down that I can trust Him and that He has my best at heart.

The problem that I encountered with Tricia yesterday, which I sort of knew was there, but not as big as it was, was getting some of that truth from my mind to my emotions.  From my head knowledge, to a really deep know and believe heart knowledge.

The one relationship I was working through has been laid to rest I believe.  But there is some "residue" left over from that one, that tied directly into another former relationship.  A relationship in which I trusted the person, but was greatly hurt, and out of that hurt and desperation to "keep" the relationship, did some things I am not very proud of.  (and that's an understatement)

Over all it could be argued that I was a young Christian, and though I knew what I was doing, I didn't know any better.  That the other person involved was a Christian longer (not a more mature Christian - I won't give them that) and should have known better than to manipulate me, use me the way they did.

But I did know that those things I was doing were very wrong and they made me sick to my stomach, and still do if I think about them.

For a long time I have buried my guilt and shame and anger at myself.  I was at the point of burying the relationship enough, figuring to have put it to rest well enough with my last sessions with Tricia, that I would never have to revisit it again.

It is interesting how God used one thing (Henry's death) to bring me into counseling, and now that I am there, He has brought up things I have needed help with, or healing from.  It shows me another way He is intimately involved in my life and in my heart.  It shows me His desire to heal me and bring me to a new level in my relationship with Him and with others.

Well, as I talked with Tricia, yesterday, she brought out my care plan, and discussed my progress with me.  It showed that I have made forward progress, which is good, and which in reality I knew.  I have been in such a better place, even when I have been deeply depressed, that things have progressed much more quickly for me this time.  As Tricia said one time, this time has been just a "tune up" for me.

In the care plan, she rated my depression as having moved from moderate to mild (I agree there for the most part, though I am still going to have swings up and down).  She also rated my poor sense of self worth at a mild.  When she said that one, I just looked at her, and she glanced up from reading and questioned my look.  That's what brought up this relationship, and the things I had done.

After we talked a bit about the relationship, Tricia asked if I had a mental picture in my head.  I did.  She asked then if I wanted to do EMDR around the situation.  I said we could, but I wasn't sure even how to go about this, because I felt stupid for even still having trouble with this, with accepting Christ's forgiveness in this specific area, and for forgiving myself.

Tricia said that we could just walk through the negative cognitions (the lies) and positive cognitions that I want to replace them with (the truth) and talk through the process a bit, and if we had time, start the actual EMDR therapy.  We did all that, and did have time to start the therapy.

When we started, I could see in my mind's eye the mental picture, and she had me think about the negatives and see where it took us.  It was hard for me to settle into, because it's been so long.  I was having a hard time concentrating, especially at first.  It was like I couldn't "pin it down."  But I had such a strong sense of disgust that when she stopped the little machine, I said that I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.

She asked me if I wanted to go back there again.  I said, "no but yes, I will."  She turned back on the machine and again it was hard to concentrate, but near the end of that chunk of time, I was not only feeling like I was going to be sick, but emotionally I hurt, I was scared, and I was starting to be able to pin down the image in my head, rather than having it flit all over, and I was able to think about how it made me feel, and the lies it fed.  

I remember hearing Tricia say softly that I was still in her office, still safe, but to let the emotions come.  Oh, that was hard.  I couldn't, not all the way.  I might have cried a little bit, but more than anything I was feeling pure revulsion when she asked me to take a deep breath.  I could barely manage the breath.  She asked me to do it again and then turned off the machine.  I sat up and as I looked around her office, reorienting myself, I realized I was shaking - inside and out.

Tricia asked what I had experience there.  Part of it was that revulsion and loathing, but that it hurt and that I was coming up against this wall, this black wall and it scared me.  She said she wanted to keep on going, but she had another appointment following me and couldn't give me more time then.  She said too that she didn't want to leave me in an "unsafe" place or emotional state.  So, she asked me to think about the place where I feel safe.  My "safe place" right now is somewhere I run when I need to get out of my office, when I need a quiet place to spend with God, when I need comfort.  It's the sanctuary at church.  Right up near the front, by the piano usually.  Sometimes, right on the floor in front of the first row of chairs, looking up at the cross on the wall.

So, I went there, in my mind, starting to feel the peace again of that place, and it started to outweigh the other emotions that had been stirred up.  She stopped the machine again, and then had me go back there one more time, this time thinking about one of my more favorite songs at the moment.  I was able to relax into that, and when we were done, felt much better than I had at the first.  I felt more able to handle the rest of the day.

We prayed together and I left, heading to town to get the kids from school.  After spending time with them, they left for the farm, and I was able to have some alone time.  I sat and contemplated how I was doing.  I realized that truly, despite the hard stuff I had come up against that afternoon, I was doing really pretty good.  I had peace.  I still do.

I know I am going to have to face up to this relationship in two weeks.  But two years ago, if we had had to leave something hanging that long, I would have been in a panic.  God is so good in giving me the peace I need.

I have a couple of assignments from Tricia.  One is to find passages of scripture that talk about how God sees me, through Christ's blood.  I also need to see if I can find scriptures that talk about my needing to focus on Christ.  (Like in Hebrews where it talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith).  She challenged me as well to watch the movie "The Passion."  I have never seen it.  She said that when she walked out of the movie, after having watched it, she just said that she knew then and there how much God loved her.

I spent time in God's Word last night, and time journaling and praying. 

I woke up this morning having had a good night's sleep, and still feeling like I am close in His arms and His peace.  It is a wonderful feeling.  One I haven't had in a long time, at least not consistently.

I'm so thankful!  Yes, there is hard stuff coming.  There are going to be more hard "letting go" opportunities.  God is bigger than all those things.  God loves me through all of them.  He isn't surprised by anything.  He still sees me through Christ's blood and sees me as whiter than snow.  That won't change. 

Oh God, help me keep my gaze fixed on You.  You are my comfort and strength and shield and protector.  Thank you for this incredible mercy of Your peace and feeling of being sheltered and protected, held and comforted right now.  May I continue to rest in you in these coming days.

Joy, boundaries, and brokenness

I have made a friend in the course of the past couple of months. She is a new believer and gone through some things in her life that have been very difficult. God is slowly changing her thought patterns, and freeing her from her past.

It has been amazing to see the growth in her in just the past couple of months. And that in nothing compared to the changes that have happened in the past couple of years.

To top it all off, she is a single mom of a 16yr old boy. Up to this point, this young man has seen that his mother is "light" and he was "dark" (as he put it in the words he knew).

Very perceptive.

He has had a friend that goes to our church... that he goes to school with. He slowly over the last 4 months or so, would occasionally ask his mom about God. He was willing to listen sometimes, and was glad for her, but it wasn't for him.

The friend that he goes to school with - well, they just became really good friends this year. My friends son, well, just thinks he is awesome, and finally found out that his friend went to our church.

This friend invited him to our youth group 3 weeks ago. He loved it! Then he came to church with his mom and his friend and friend's family. He stayed for the community group/sunday school time after church. He loved it!

He got his first bible from his friend. He started reading it right away!

Last week, he went to youth group again with his friend. Our associate pastor, who helps lead the youth group, spoke very strongly about the importance of making a decision for Christ, especially in the light of Haiti - and you never know when.

Pastor strongly urged the youth to not leave the building that night without knowing where they were going.

My friend's son grabbed Pastor Brad a bit later, and said he wanted to know more about this salvation thing. Pastor Brad grabbed his friend, and the two of them led this young man to the Lord.

Now my friend and her son are both "light." She has her son back, knowing he is Christ's now, and they are learning and growing together. He even came to church this past week, when his mom was working.

God is SO good. What an amazing change! We are still celebrating how God has worked in their lives.

Anyway....

God gave me and my new friend the chance to talk this week... I wasn't too busy at work, and the phone didn't ring too much while we were talking.

He has been helping her draw some boundaries in her life, because she hasn't really known how to do that before. Slowly God is maturing her, not only in relationship with Him, but also growing her emotionally out of where she was stuck for so long.

We have gotten to know each other pretty well in the past couple of months. Especially in the last 4 weeks or so, we have spent some good time together, and shared quite openly.

I had been aware her boundary issues, so it was in the back of my mind, as we grew to know each other... and I was aware of it because I too used to have boundary issues. I still do in some ways, and there are old tapes that play in my head, and I am having to learn new boundaries with my job now.

As we talked this week, she shared how over the past week she had really been struggling and didn't know why. But God finally revealed why to her. She said that she really needed to draw some boundaries for herself. She was realizing that she was starting to slide down a "slippery slope" as she called it. She needed to back off and start over in our friendship. More slowly, instead of jumping in so quickly to getting to know each other. There is much more there, but that is all I am free to share here.

I apologized for calling so much and kind of pushing myself on her - offering to go for coffee or a meal two weeks in a row besides seeing her at church and our small group.

It was a good conversation. I came away from it really feeling ok about it.

After my long weekend at the church, I left a bit early from work on Tuesday. I headed home and was able to spend some time with God. Our senior Pastor had talked about the benefits of self-examination this past Sunday. Without realizing it, that is exactly what I did that afternoon. I spent time before God and sought His guidance and light to shine on anything that I might have done wrong, so that I wouldn't do it again.

Finally, I slept for a bit. Had a rough night's sleep that night, and went to work the next day. Just over the course of the day, through our women's retreat meeting that afternoon, I just became so aware of what the enemy was trying to do, among the leaders, among the women attending, to keep them from coming, to hinder their time at the retreat.

At about 4pm, Wednesday I got the church to myself. Everyone had left early to eat and rest up for the night of youth, AWANA, etc. I wandered my way into the sanctuary.

There I kind of had a melt down. I am ashamed to say that God revealed pride in my heart towards my relationship with my friend. What arrogance! And what childishness too, in the way I was reacting within myself to our conversation from the day before.

I can "defend" myself by saying it seemed to tap into some old insecurities and rejections, and that was part of what I was reacting to. But God just took the time to reveal areas that I hadn't been honoring Him in.

I repented and spent significant time at the foot of the cross in there. Seeking forgiveness. Interceding for the women coming on the retreat. Interceding for my friend. Seeking wholeness and healing for myself. Asking God to fill the emptiness and help lift my depression, rather than me seeking relief in other people, other things, etc.

I spent a great deal of time in tears before God. Broken. Again. And how fitting considering that our retreat has that theme!

Yesterday really was a pretty good day, but the closer I got to the evening, and to small group where I would see my friend, I got more nervous.

It was silly really. I mean, we would see each other, but there would be others around, and it would be easier for us to step back from each other within that context.

As I got there, we talked around the table during our meal, and I was able to share how much I felt the retreat really was under attack, and that each of us involved or going were under attack too.

I found it hard to look at my friend when I was talking, at least when she was looking back - I don't know, I just was so unbalanced feeling. Not because of anything she did, not because of anything really that we had talked about.

The more I look back on it, it just really felt like my emotions and thoughts weren't clear. I feel now, looking back that it was all a haze last night. I hardly remember the beginning part of the evening... at least not the details.

I feel like I didn't handle anything well at all, and am afraid that I made my friend even more uncomfortable, and that I need to apologize to her. Anything that I did last night had nothing to do with her, or how she treated me, or that she had spoken with me. It had everything to do with me.

I hope and pray that it doesn't affect her coming to small group, coming to the retreat - anything.

I mean, I suppose that I should expect all this unsettledness, prior to the retreat. I got some good work done on the worship for the weekend yesterday morning. I feel more ready. I also get this coming Tuesday off so that I can spend more time in preparation.

As you can see - I still really need prayers.
I need balance in relationships.
I need clear guidance from God.
I need wisdom in speaking with my friend, to apologize to her.

I need that broken, contrite, and humble heart that God will not despise.

I need my thoughts and emotions to line up with God's truth, not the lies the enemy is throwing at me.

I also need to trust that my pouring out my heart here won't be misinterpreted... or hurtful to anyone else.

So, today is a mix of joy for my friend and her son, who gets to tell his story, and his testimony this Sunday in front of church, as a God at work... and a mix of sadness, depression, and brokenness.

So this post ends up being that mix as well. I am praying that even in the midst of the turmoil that I can find God's joy and God's peace.

And some heat in this house! (It is -6 outside right now, and our infloor heating can't keep up with the leaky windows we have here!!!!! Shiver... but I'm so grateful for the heat that we do have!!)

May you also find that joy and peace.

Advent of Trust #18; trusting Him in reconciliation

I have been struggling with learning how to deal with conflict and make reconciliation a priority in my life.

Facing fear, trusting God to work things out, and speak to people with whom we might be in conflict, takes a lot of gumption.

It's not something that comes easy for me.
For anyone!

Through the process, God has given me opportunities to reconcile with people. I have had the chances to talk to people in my life that I have felt tension with. He has been faithful to work them out. The conversations were not easy, by any means, but useful in setting my mind at rest.

Now I need to work on my part of it. Some of that is not allowing myself to "dredge up" old feelings based on misconceptions. Part of that is renewing my mind. Reminding myself that this person or that person did not intent what I assumed. Therefore, my feelings are based on a lie.

That has been hard, because if I start allowing myself to dwell on the hurts I feel, I find bitterness creeping in. That is not what God has intended for me. I have to stop the feelings and make sure that things are lining up with God's word, in my head. If my thoughts are not lining up with the truth, then I have no business thinking them!!!

Dealing with some of these stressful situations and relationships now has led to some more peace.

I was so stressed out when I was resisting God's call to reconciliation. I had perpetual anxiety plaguing me all day long. I found myself frustrated and fearful of talking to people because I didn't want to be causing division.

Once I finally made the decision to talk to the people I needed to, once I verbalized it to someone to hold me accountable, I found peace overtaking me. Suddenly the knot in my stomach released some.

It's amazing the peace that's found in obeying God!

Trusting God to work all the things for good for all people involved, and working all things so that He is glorified, is hard, but well worth the effort.

The more we walk the path of reconciliation, forgiveness, confession.... the easier it will be... the more like Jesus we will look.

The first time is hard. The first time you feel like you left a million things out when the conversation is over. The first many times you find yourself shaking with relief that the conversations are done.

God is to be trusted though, and if he says to drop everything at the alter and go be reconciled first, then you had better do it!

There is a reason He has said it. There is purpose behind His wanting you to reconcile with others. It's for your good and for His glory!

Advent of Trust #12; Conflict and Trust

Little problems don't go away if you ignore them.

They may go under the surface for a while, but they resurface at another time. Sometimes all the little problems start adding up, and so when one more little problem is added to the pile, it all blows up and seems to be about one little thing, when it might have been months of little things.

If we dealt with the little thing - the first little thing - in a healthy, God honoring way, it would save us and others a whole lot of heartache.

When I am in conflict with someone, you wouldn't be able to tell it. I typically have only nice things to say about them, it's all internal. I seek God's forgiveness if I have sinned in my thoughts/attitudes/heart and then let it go. Until something else happens.

I have had an occasion, when I was much younger, where I spoke up about something that I didn't think was right, got slammed, and was quiet the rest of the night. We continued on in the project, my ideas ignored, and my concerns pushed aside.

I never pushed the issue after first bringing it up. We went through our class presentation. When we were done, we were verbally critiqued. Many of the things brought up as our weaknesses as a group were things that I had thought of. Some of them were the things I had tried to bring up, others were ones that I had ignored cause I didn't want to get slammed again.

I never said a word to my teacher. I never said a word to the students I had worked with. It just "went away."

When an opportunity comes up now, after going through some training and reading a book called "Making Peace" by Jim Van Yperen, I know I am going to have to handle it much differently.

Let's put this another way. God is challenging me to handle conflict in a whole new way for me. A way of redemption and reconciliation.

That makes me afraid. Afraid that I will be pushed aside. Afraid that I will react/respond in a manner that will be less than edifying. Afraid to "confront" someone when I feel something is not going well, or when there have been miscommunications, or anything.

I don't want to confront anyone. I know the Bible says to go to that person you have a conflict with (whether they know it or not) and to go quickly and privately, individually to that person and make things right. Don't go to someone else first. Don't delay. Don't let lots of little things pile up. NO EXCUSES. Just go.

That the Bible tells us what to do in conflict is wonderful. However, it isn't easy.

It requires trust that God will make it right. Whether it immediately seems to come out right or not, God will work it all together for the good of all those involved.

One of the things I am most guilty of is listening to gossip. Someone's having a problem with someone else. I sympathize, they talk and get some relief from the tension they have been feeling, and no one gets helped. Jim Van Yperen calls this triangulation.

The other problem is, I tend to do the same. I don't want to talk to the other person, and risk "conflict" in our relationship (not realizing it's already there, unacknowledged)... so I go to someone else, someone I trust, and seek their advice.

Jim says in his book,
"Triangulation is an affront to the Cross because it robs a fellow believer of the opportunity for understanding, forgiveness, and reconciliation. If I go to a friend to talk about you instead of going to you, I have sinned against you in two ways. First I have kept you from knowing there is a problem and robbed you of the opportunity to ask forgiveness. Second, I have sinned against you by talking about you behind your back."

Only recently, after a leadership seminar at my church did I realize how wrong this was. I immediately put a cap on my conversations with others. I watched what I said, and asked God to show me when and where I was essentially slandering others behind their back. I never did it intentionally before. Never. I felt completely innocent of that. I honestly had been seeking advice in how to handle issues and situations.

But maybe the people I had talked to weren't mature enough to handle the information, my opinions correctly. I don't know. And they sure never referred me to talk to the original person I had a problem with. OK... not totally true. One person did, and that was my counselor. :) I guess that counts, and it may or may not have been slander, because she was counseling me through a situation..... that's another issue entirely! :)

The point is, there has been one person in my life right now I have been able to talk to. She has already read this book on "Making Peace" and already been applying the principles laid out in it, in her life.

As I have felt so insecure about dealing with conflict with others, I have asked her advice, and asked her if it was ok to talk to her with specifics, so that I could get help to talk to others, so I would have an idea of how to handle myself. She has been very consistent about pointing me to going to the other person and talking to them, rather than allowing me to vent to her, and not deal with the conflict.

It's a blessing, but it's scary.

Facing conflict head on, and dealing with it in a healthy, God-honoring way is a good thing. It's incredibly hard.

It's something that God has commanded us to do.
That means He expects us to do it. To obey.
That means it takes trust to step out and do as He has commanded.

Another step into the unknown. Yet He goes with us. He goes with me. It's another area of anxiety for me, but I want to do what is right.

Lord, help me to see Your face light up with joy as I attempt to take those first few wobbly steps closer to you. Just as my face lights up to see my babies take their first real steps towards my open arms. Just as my face lights up when they try new, scary things for them, at my urging... trusting me that I won't lead them into harm. Help me to trust that you won't lead me into harm, even if it does seem a really long way to the water below this diving board I am on. I just want to see the joy on Your face for me as I make the attempt. Help me to bask in the warmth of that glow, and having been filled to overflowing with Your love and joy, take the step off the edge in obedience to your commands. Amen.

Advent of Trust #7; Blizzard

Tonight we are under a blizzard warning. My husband is up at work, at the hospital. He probably got off at about 11-11:30pm. Normally he would be home by midnight. In good conditions.

I have no idea what the conditions are like out on the highway (the way that he needs to take home). It's hard to tell from my front window how the streets are, but they are well snow covered, and there have been no signs of plows on our street.... because they are all concentrating on the main roads.

Hopefully the reason he is late is because he decided to try to take the surface streets (really long way home). Or, better yet, he is covering for someone at the hospital couldn't get in.

-------

Just called his work. As of right now he is driving home.

And now he is home.

Just another time where I have to try to hang onto the peace that Jesus gives. Rather than give way to that fear and worry.

Praise God, he is home. He is safe.
Jesus is good.

Silence is golden...

The healing of silence.

Sitting at the table in the sun, warm cup of coffee in hand, bible spread before me.

Struggling to quiet my heart so I can hear.

I started learning this art of silence, by having someone else model it in my presence... together we sought to just sit still and start our time together in silence, prayerfully seeking God's presence, Spirit, guidance, words to us.

The more we did it together, the more I tried it alone.
The more I tried it alone, the better I did at stilling myself.

How else to help others come to that point of silence? That point of listening to God?

Do what was modeled to me.
Model it for them.

Listening quietly.
Reflecting before speaking.

Seeking God's presence, starting our time together in prayer, and sitting still before Him, before we talk or do anything else.

That silence is so healing.

When I was in counseling, my counselor also modeled this for me. She sat and listened to me. She waited, as I shared. Then she waited as I sat quiet. She used a therapy that ended up encouraging me to listen to God and take that time to really focus on Him, hear what He had to say, and process it in relation to the struggles I was having at the time.

That's where I first started to gain healing in the inmost parts of my being.

Only now, as I look back do I see how powerful silence before God was.

"Silence is golden" we have heard so many times in reference to children. That is true, as a mother of two youngsters, sometimes that silence from the constant chatter and yelling is truly golden.

However, I would like to suggest a new twist. Silence is golden.... filled with the presence of the glory of God... His royal, sovereign majesty reaching down to flood our souls with the golden light of His presence within us... and we can only really see the depth of His presence in our hearts and lives through being silent before him.

Silence, in the presence of our God is truly a golden, healing balm.

Conflict, redemption and reconciliation....

I'm a very passive person.

I hate conflict.

To me, conflict means pain, and pain or hurt isn't good.

Or is it?

*When we are exercising, it's painful, but has a great payoff.
*When we burn our hand on a fire, it's painful, but the resulting lesson, to keep our hands out of the fire, it very good.
*When we find ourselves growing the most in our faith, our walk with God, it usually is after, or even during a painful, hard time.

• 
  

But hasn't our culture taught us that pain is bad? If it feels good do it. If it hurts, stay away. Numb out the pain, medicate the hurt... ignore it and it will go away... but will it really?

Haven't we brought that cultural perspective right into our churches?

The church, the body of Christ, is supposed to model Christ's life to the world. Jesus sure didn't run away from pain and conflict.

He cleansed the temple using a whip to drive out the money changers... if that wasn't conflict....
Instead of walking away from pain, Jesus walked right onto the path of reconciliation opened to Him by His father. All the way to the bitter, painful ending on the cross.

That pain was good.... Horrible for Jesus, but ended up for good in that it made it possible for Him to have intimate relationships with His creation. Good for us that His pain opened up a pathway to redemption that we were invited to.

So, how in the world to we model the redemption and reconciliation we ourselves have discovered?

Do we do it by avoiding and running away from conflict? Letting our churches get torn apart over sexual immorality, abuse, worship styles, refusing to hold one another accountable...

In reality, do we avoid conflict because we don't care enough about our brother or sister to actually cross the lines of culture, go against the grain, and outside of our comfort zones?

It was Jesus' love for us that caused him to walk into conflict, into pain, away from His glory to become one of us. It was His love for us that propelled Him to become one of us and experience the conflict that we have. It was His love for us that then that gave Him the courage and passion to reach out to us through His death to resolve the ultimate conflict between us and God.

So, watching people we love walk away from church because "it isn't our problem" is loving them how, exactly???

Watching people we claim to love fight and argue, fall into sin, etc, isn't love at all. It's self preservation. It's protecting ourselves. It's keeping our own love and security. It has nothing to do with the real love that Jesus displayed.

Real love for one another is love that knows no boundaries.

No holds barred.

No fear.

No selfishness.

No room for anything but compassion and care for our brothers and sisters, and the desire to see them live in peace and community and fellowship.

Real love for one another is the love that moves us beyond the culturally accepted norms, and into really living "in" the lives of one another.

I may be passive.

I may hate conflict.

But.

I hate the thought of not really loving my brothers and sisters in Christ even more.

Today, I choose to go OUT. Love my "one anothers" better. Live in their lives.
Today, I choose to move IN when I see a conflict, not shut down or run away.
Today, I choose to really LOVE, working through conflict to show true redemption and reconciliation.

Soothing reminders...

I love this verse that Beth Moore shared with us on her post today.

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."
Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation

I went to visit Cindy at church today, where she works. I got there over 20 minutes early, and as I knew she was giving up time out of her work day for me, I decided to spend the time sitting on the hill near our lower parking lot. That way I would give her time to get some things done before we started talking.

I sat on the sweet smelling grass. The sun was hot on my back. The sound of song birds was in the air. The wind was a gentle breeze blowing on my face, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

I was able to sit there and settle myself in God's presence. I felt like He spoke right to me, where I was at, right then and there.

As I rested there, I was reminded by Him that He is there with me. He created me to perfectly feel the sun and the breeze. He created that sun and breeze to warm and cool me. He created the gold finches flying overhead, singing sweetly to me.

He created that moment specifically for me.

For me to remember in times of doubt. Or in times of fear. Or in times of loneliness. Or in times where I feel disengaged. Or in times of extreme stress and worry.

His touch is soothing indeed, and it makes me happy. It made me happy right then and there.

Then as Cindy and I talked and spent some time tackling some more difficult questions, and processing through them, at one point, God reminded me of sitting outside.

He reminded me, yes I may feel very lonely at times. I may feel very stressed and wanting to disengage from everything. I may find that I am more of an introvert than I thought. I may find there are things about my personality, and habits that are re-occurring and difficult to overcome.

But He still makes the sun to warm my back, and the breeze to cool my face. He still does those things because He loves me. He wants to remind me that He is with me. He wants to remind me that He will never let me go.

He wants to remind me that His love is loyal. His love is unfailing. His love will always be there, no matter what my feelings are, or if I feel I deserve that love or not. (I never will, but He gives it anyway)

He picks me up, and dusts me off when I fall down. He supports me and keeps me from slipping. He sets my feet upon a firm place. He helps me get going in the right direction again.

But He does all of this with a gentle hand. Not harsh or hard or impatient. Not with an angry hand or countenance.

Gentleness.
Soothing.
Healing.

And when I think that I should be on the receiving end of harshness from Him... He surprises me again... (and why should I be surprised when He never changes in how He deals with me?)

His love overwhelms and in that overwhelming... oh how my worries are soothed away.

Then I am happy.
But deeper than that.
I am filled with joy.

Peace in trouble...

Something that really spoke to me today in church… coming out of our pastor’s sermon…

John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

1Pe 4:12-13 “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."

What better encouragement than the word of God. I am clinging to these verses. I don’t know if depression will ever cease for me. But Jesus told us about Himself, His Father, and His promises so that we would have peace in knowing that though we have troubles here, we are in Christ, and He has overcome the world… we can live in that authority and victory everyday… no matter our feelings.

I may suffer the painful trial of depression all my life. But I shouldn’t consider that strange, because Christ suffered. I can rejoice that I am participating in His sufferings, because that means that I am walking with Him. And OH when His glory is revealed… think of the joy on that day when He wipes away all our tears!

There is so much more that I could share here… but let these verses soak into you and see what God speaks to you through them.

Bittersweet... Advent of Joy #6

Well, I did it.

I had my final appointment with Tricia.

I walked out of there with both of us agreeing that it was my last session, essentially.
Tricia said that if anything did happen in the next weeks, or next months, and I did need to see her, to not beat myself up or see it as a step backward. It would just be me admitting that I needed some help to get through something else.

As I was talking with my small group, before I went to counseling, my friend Donna talked about how much I have matured in this past year. Today in counseling, Tricia talked about how before when I came up against a problem I couldn’t focus on finding a solution because I was in too much pain. She said that now my pain is less, I feel better in general, and about myself, and now I am able to start problem solving.

She said that I am still going to find that I will struggle some to deal with everyday stressors that come up. She said I have the coping skills, I just need to remember to employ them (I will add here, healthy ones), and remember above all else that God loves me.

She reminded me that I am going to encounter problems and difficulties. It doesn’t mean that I can’t handle life, or that I am doing something wrong. It is part of this world. I told her about how I was encountering some struggles right now with trusting God in a specific area, and how to help myself, I was going to be writing these posts up until Christmas. I said that this past Monday was really hard, and I had found myself struggling with depression.

Tricia quoted to me the following verse… and as I looked up the word “mature,” later this evening, I came across the verse she gave to me, and knew I had to write about it.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4

The trials that I am going through right now are testing my faith. As I work through them, and through my trust issues with God, my faith is tested, refined, and purified. Each time I face trials and my faith is tested, I am forced to either persevere or give up. If I persevere, I grow stronger. I mature in my faith. My trust in God is strengthened. My faith is made stronger so that I have the courage to step out into something new with God. I might be scared, but through each new trial and struggle, I am being made more mature and complete… I WON’T LACK ANYTHING!!!

So, as each new thing comes up, I can choose to despair that I will ever be “done” with all this stuff. Or I can choose to believe that God has a purpose, and He is growing me, and completing the good work He has started. And I can find joy in that somehow. It may not be visible. I may still suffer grief, and it may still be hard, but I have to keep that eternal perspective that I talked about yesterday. He loves me and He fills me, He has given me new birth into a living hope, an inheritance that is kept in heaven for me. Through my faith (that is being matured….) I am shielded by God’s power.

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
1 Peter 1:6-7

My faith is tested in the trials. I don’t have to like the trials, or be happy about them. I don’t have to put on the “happy face” for everyone. I can be real and honest and say “This is hard, I don’t like it, and it hurts.”

But hopefully, in the midst of the trials I will be able to have an eternal perspective, and know that I have been given so many incredible gifts by God. These trials are strengthening my faith, testing and refining it, and proving it genuine, and maturing and completing me.
Right now I have to say I have something else now to work through.

I knew it was going to be tough to say good-bye to Tricia. I am going to miss her. I will be praying for her, and I know we are still connected to each other in the body of Christ. But it is going to be different and hard to walk out from here now.

To me it is a loss. I am I guess grieving a relationship that had to be severed. I mean, it was a healthy ending, we had closure together, by reviewing some of the things I have written over the past year, and seeing where I have come from, and where I am now. The relationship had to end so that I can continue on and grow and mature on my own. As Tricia said, her time to come alongside of me has ended, that isn’t her role any more.

So I am grieving the loss of our relationship.

But at the same time I can see joy in it. Because if I was able to end my counseling relationship with her; without going into a panic attack, without making myself sick about it, without major emotional difficulties; I am getting better, am so much better than I was a year ago. I can take joy from the knowledge that God has healed me so much.

The pains, difficulties, trials, griefs, have been worth the healing, growth, maturity, completing work God has done in my life through them.

A bittersweet loss.
A bittersweet gain.

I don’t know that I ever understood the concept of something being bittersweet until now.

Grieving.
Joy.

Mixed together in the same experience.

Greater Joy... Advent of Joy #3

This evening I was starting to blog hop a bit to visit some of my friends I have in my side bar.

I got no farther than “Behind the Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle. Her most recent post really struck a chord with me… as did the scripture verse she had.

Go visit her post now….
Really I mean it.

Click HERE and see what she had to say…

Ok, hopefully you read it…. it is short, I promise!

Anyway, she had the scripture verse in The Message, but I have it here in the New International Version.

“In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, ‘Who can show us any good?’ Let the light of Your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
Psalm 4:4-8

I added a couple of verses on at the beginning, compared to what Lisa had. However they really spoke to me.

I have had to deal with a lot of anger lately…. and I just realized it.

Now.
Tonight.

I really have to deal with it. I think I will be laying in bed tonight, searching my heart and leaving some things before God. I am going to have to sacrifice my anger, and my “right” to be angry and upset… and trust in the Lord. Back to that trust issue again.

When I read the verse talking about who can show us any good, and then asking God to let the light of His face to shine on us… Well, that just didn’t seem to gel at all with The Message version that Lisa quoted…

“Why is everyone hungry for more?
‘More, more,’ they say. ‘More, more.’
I have God’s more-than-enough.”

Then I looked at the Strong’s references. When the NIV says that people are asking who can show us any good… well part of the definition from “show” is the root “to see,” and to “perceive, present, provide.” then the definition for “good” is “beautiful, best, better, bountiful,” and “pleasure, precious, prosperity, wealth.”

That started to make sense to me. Many people are asking who can see/perceive/present/provide us with anything that is beautiful/bountiful/precious/ (causes) prosperity/wealth. But the King David isn’t asking for more prosperity, or wealth or worldly things. He is asking for God to let the light, the radiance of His holy face to shine upon him. He knows that as long as God’s face is turned towards him, that His countenance is is shining on him, he has everything he needs or could want.

At the very beginning of the psalm, David says,
“Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.”
Psalm 4:1

To me it sounds like David started this prayer in distress, in pain, or hurt, or affliction… focused only on the pain he was experiencing. But by the 7th verse, David is acknowledging that God has filled his heart with more joy than others experience when their earthly treasures are multiplied over and above.

David made a conscious choice that despite his circumstances, he was going to continue to seek God. And as he did, he recognized that joy deep down in his heart, that only God can give.
There is a joy in my heart that though everyone around me may be looking for more and more, I can instead focus on what God has given me. It is so much more, so much better than anything that I could gain from earthly sources. Because the earthly things I can’t ever take with me once I die. It is the eternal things that make the difference. God didn’t spare His Son but gave Him up for us all… how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? (Rom. 8:32) He has given me eternal life at a great price. Just the price He paid in laying down all His glory to come to earth as a human baby is unimaginable for us.

That alone is worthy of my praise, adoration, and abiding joy.

Then on top of that, I can lie down in peace and sleep knowing that the Lord has made it possible for me to rest/live/stay in safety. He is my shelter and I can sleep without worry, without wondering what will happen tomorrow. He is my shelter, my strong tower, my refuge. If everything is stripped away, from money, to possessions, to my family, my friends, my health, my very life - I HAVE HIM. He is all I need.

In that I choose to find joy. In my God, my precious Jesus, I find my joy and purpose, my peace and security. Earthly things may promise those things. Possessions and getting more may give a sense of security, but pretty soon those possessions end up possessing.

I don’t want to be owned by anything or anyone else than my Savior. He bought me with the price of His own blood. I want to live in the awareness of that, and in the joy of that.
In this Christmas season I want to try to show others around me, who may be looking for more, more that there is something else that is better and will provide for them a deeper sense of pure joy than if their physical treasures grew exponentially.

It won’t be easy.
It isn’t.
But God.

May the light of His countenance shine upon me, and may joy that only comes from Him be evident to all.

Beginning of a season... Advent of Joy #1

We are entering what most people would call the season of Joy, Peace, Light, Hope, Love… etc. All those positive words.

I love the season of Advent and Christmas. I love the smell of the fresh Christmas tree, snow (and lots of it), candles, the warmth of a house lit by tree lights, and decorated and festive. I love buying things for the people I love, and anticipate them opening them. I really do love the season.

But this year, as I hit the end of November, I found that I was dreading it. Talking with Cindy I realized it was partly to do with some of the situations I find myself in right now.
I wrote a bit before Thanksgiving, that God was asking me to “give thanks in all things.” It was really hard to try to focus my mind there. That was because I was looking at the problems I had facing me.

After talking about it with Cindy, (and blubbering on her shoulder) I took the time later that day to do some journaling and soul searching. I realized that I really didn’t even want to “do” Christmas this year. I just wanted to jump from Thanksgiving to about halfway into January or so.

This from me, who loves (did I mention LOVES) Christmas? Why? What has me so by the neck that I can’t see the joy in the season, the anticipation, the real reason behind it all?
Fear, anxiety, insecurity, complete lack of peace about a few things… really, the enemy is hitting me up pretty hard on some stuff.

I want to bless my family and friends with gifts. Unless I come up with an inexpensive way of doing something, it isn’t going to happen. I am stressed about bills and finances.

I also was very stressed about decisions about where to go for the holidays.

Last year I felt pretty miserable. (I don’t think anything I would have done would have made me feel better.) The year before, jumping back and forth from family to family exhausted me and made me miserable.

I don’t want a repeat this year.

And so I just wanted to skip it all.
All of it.

Finally I got to the point that Dave helped me make a decision about how we are going to balance celebrating with both of our families. So, that got that decision out of the way. Some of the other things are still unresolved.

The whole point behind this is:
Where is my joy?

I have celebrated that I am going to be having one more appointment with my counselor. I have been celebrating the fact that I am SO much better now than I was this time last year. I have been celebrating with Cindy some of the amazing changes in response to prayer in her life. I have reasons to rejoice, and to find joy.

One of the things that my psychiatrist said to me early this year was that he wanted me to look for “joy moments” in my life. Rather than focusing on how good or bad I was feeling that day, (which could pull me down more) he wanted me to look for things that gave me joy. His goal was to help me increase my “joy moments” to the level I desired them to be at.

For a long time now, I haven’t focused on how many joy moments I have had each day… I just know that things have been getting better.

I do know from recent reading that the more joy you experience, the more you can experience. Your capacity to experience joy gets bigger the more you experience joy… therefore increasing your capacity to experience joy… and on it goes.

So this season I know that I need to focus on Joy… Jesus.

I have found several verses. Verses to encourage me to focus on God, to focus on the author and perfecter of my faith. Verses to give me something to grab onto… the joy that is to be my focus for this season.

There are two that I will share here.

“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.”
Psalm 126:3

And,

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Lord has done great things for me, and I do have a sense of joy, deep inside. Sometimes I lose track of that joy. The external things distract me. The worries of this world. The struggles to do what is right, to help my family, to just get through day to day sometimes.
So I am going to try to do God’s will for me… to be joyful always, to pray continually, and to give thanks in all circumstances. That was what my post on giving thanks was all about. There are so many things that are a struggle for me. I know there are going to be things that I will struggle with for my whole life. I know that new things will crop up.

I know that little by little God is going to bring up things as I am ready to deal with them.
I know that He will equip me to deal with them.

Either He will give me tools that I can use by myself (tools taught to me by my counselor, and through the experiences I have had, and the things I have worked through) or He will give me people to walk with me through them.

He will give me Himself… He is living inside of me. He will guide me and be my source of life, joy and peace.

His Joy.
That I what I want to remember today.

His Joy.

It isn’t anything I can manufacture.
It isn’t anything I can buy.
It isn’t anything I can contain.

His Joy.
It is a free gift.
It comes with His Son.
It comes from His son.

His Joy.

That is what this season is all about…

Jesus.
He is Joy, and I want to focus on Him.

Usually we have an advent calendar that counts down the 25 days to Christmas. I want to take the 25 days, and each day, find joy in it.

Joy.

In anything that goes on in my day, in anything that goes on in my life. Anything that I can find I am grateful for, thankful for, that gives me joy, down to my soul, in the depths of my heart.

Because isn’t that what this Christmas season is all about? Isn’t that why we celebrate Christmas?

Jesus is the reason for the season.
It sounds corny, I know.

But really.

Isn’t He the reason the great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel that spoke to the shepherds praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests.”
Luke 2:13-14

Those heavenly hosts were praising God. Rejoicing. (Forgive my liberty here…I am slightly paraphrasing and interpreting) They were filled with joy at seeing the Lord’s prophecies coming true.

This Christmas season I want to be focused on Jesus. I want to focus on joy. Jesus gives me this joy deep in my heart and despite the trials I may be going through, or the struggles I might be facing, I will focus on the joy He gives me.

My intention, since this is Advent, the anticipation of Christmas, is to focus on one thing (or more) that I can find joy in each day. All the joy moments I can find… to prepare my heart, and refocus my thoughts.

Today: Joy because my Savior has touched my heart and saved me so that can testify to His healing power.

And another simple one: I got to play in the new fallen snow with my kids, having a snowball fight, shoveling the driveway, and taking a bit of a walk with them… catching snowflakes on our tongues. It was a joy just to spend that time with them.

The thief...

I remember my friend Amy writing a post not that long ago talking about how depression comes in like a thief.

She is right.

Depression.
It has been stalking me.

Depression.
It caught up with me this past week.

Depression, as Amy said, tries to rob our peace and joy. Rather, the enemy uses it to steal the blessings of God. Actually, I will amend that again. He can’t steal the blessings of God. They have been given to us by God and can’t be taken away. The enemy actually comes in and tries to keep us from recognizing the blessings, from using the blessings and power God has given us. The enemy tries to prey on things he knows we have fallen victim to in the past.
He focuses on clouding our feelings, feeding us little lies that we base our feelings on. If I am feeling like God is not answering my prayers, if I feel like He is not caring about my problems and struggles and concerns… well, I get depressed, I feel sad and angry. I feel lost and alone. But though the feelings are real, they are based on lies.

As I have been writing this, I have just realized the above. I need to take the time out (once the kids are in the bath) and just focus on some main truths of who I am in Christ, His love for me, and the riches He has poured out upon me. I am going to take the time to soak in some scripture to counteract the lies I have found in my mind.

I was a mess all day today. The depression I can deal with. I know that part of it, and the anxiety, could be chemical imbalances. I can deal with that. It is the feeling of complete isolation, and loneliness, and the feeling of being totally left alone by God.

I wasn’t thinking clearly all day. I feel like right now… as I started writing this post… that my mind is clear for the first time. I may still have all the emotions (and I do for sure) but at least God has helped clear my mind and see where I was allowing my thoughts to go.
I called my sweet friend Cindy today, and she talked with me a bit about some significant issues that I am dealing with right now. Almost as soon as we started talking, I started crying. As she prayed for me, I just sobbed.

Maybe I just needed a good cry. Maybe I just needed that little bit to lie down and not have to “do” anything. Maybe I just needed to talk with someone who really knows me and understands. And that was what has helped me.

Maybe.
Maybe that’s what someone else might think.

I choose to believe that the clearing up of my head, and the confusion that has cleared somewhat, the peace that I find stealing over my thought processes… that is from God. I choose to believe that He is answering the prayers of Cindy. I choose to believe that His answers come at just the right time. Whether that is in my timing or not doesn’t matter. I mean, it matters to me, to my feelings, and if I think that the answers are coming too late, I get upset and frustrated and impatient, and hurt. But I need to learn to let go… and let God do what He is going to do. Because He knows best.

In the meantime, I have got to find a way to get my mind and heart to believe and trust God. I want to allow Christ to fill my heart and mind with His presence and His thoughts. I want to allow the Holy Spirit to prompt and guide and convict me… and to minister to my hurting heart, my bruised emotions. I need the healing balm to cover over me and touch every part of my mind, heart and spirit.

Nothing less will do.

He is all I want.
He is all I have ever needed.

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

I want that life to the full. The enemy has been trying to steal, kill and destroy…. He has wreaked havoc in my emotional life. You wouldn’t know it to look at the outside. I have been able to continue doing what I need to do for my family. I have been keeping up on the kitchen cleaning, I have kept up on laundry (pretty well) and have been able to consistently keep food on the table. I have been functioning better than I used to when depression really hit me. So that is a big sign of healing for me.

But this is the first time that I can remember that depression has really hit me in the last couple of months with any type of force. When I was working through things I expected it. But this took me by surprise.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
John 10:27-30

I will cling to the truth that I shall never perish, and that God is greater than all, and that no one, no one, can ever snatch me out of His hand.

If I memorize and meditate on these verses alone… well, talk about security no matter the circumstances swirling around me. I am held securely in the Father’s hands, I have been given eternal life, Jesus knows me, and is one with His father, and because He is in me, I am one with Him.

Idols and lies... and the one, true God

“Just watched… Just another confirmation from God… Just amazing grace… Just you ask? Sometimes I think of how God looks at me now… just as if I’d never sinned… sometimes I think of how God answers prayer… just at the right time… yes it’s our JUST GOD at work again as He always is…”

This was the response I got from a dear friend of mine after she had watched part of a video I linked to her.

How true is that? Our God is so just, so wonderful, so mighty, so loving, so powerful, so gentle with us. Through my friend and some difficult things she is working on in her own life with God, He spoke into my life in a powerful way.

He showed me the ways He has been guiding me up to this point, this summer. He placed me in a bible study through Living Proof Ministries, organized by Beth Moore. It is a study based on identifying your idols… functional idols in your life that give you something that only God can fill. They function for a time, but never fully satisfy, and so leave you hungry… for more. But God is the only one who can fill us to the full.

Isaiah 46 talks about how our man made idols weigh us down and become burdens to us. We end up carrying the idols that we have made. I wrote the following in my journal after reading the first part of Isaiah 46.

“I didn’t get it at first, (when I read the passage) but we are the weary beasts. I am. Anything that I am holding in my life above You, it is something I physically have to hold up above me to block out the view of You. And holding up these things, carrying them is so hard and weighs me down and makes me even more exhausted.”

Isaiah 46:3-4 says, “Listen to me, O house of Jacob, and all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been upheld by Me from birth, Who have been carried from the womb: Even to your old age I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you."

I don’t need to carry those burdens any longer. I can lay them down. Instead of carrying my idols, and keeping them as gods in my life, God is carrying me. Maybe this is what God is referring to when He said in Matthew 11:28-30.

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Once I let go of the things I think I need, I can take up Jesus, and find that in my everything, He is carrying me. He has been carrying me. He will carry me. I need to confess the things that I have been carrying and lay them at the foot of the cross.

I have a choice, and so do you…

Like me, you may be thinking, “But they are such big things in my life. How do I lay them down?”

I know I will try to pick them up again and again. They are comfortable and familiar. Some of the things are good things, like singing and playing piano for worship team, writing here and in my journal, my husband… oh, so many more… too many to name. But when they are taken to extremes, and in the deepest part of my heart I become proud of them or possessive of them, then they veer off course and I end up carrying them, holding them above my head in aching arms, but afraid to let them down and see the Son shining in my eyes, and reveal me for who I truly am.

Yet who I truly am really isn’t bad, because I am a daughter of the King. How bad is that? I can have everything given to me, I have only to ask. So why is it so hard to lay the things down that I cling to so much?

Maybe it is because many times we can’t see that we are holding onto a lie. That it is deceptive, wrong and painful to us. I can’t see that I am feeding on ashes at the foot of an idol that cannot deliver me and can only burden me more and beat me into the ground.

God so longs to give me good spiritual food and drink. Healthy and wholesome. He wants me to come and lay my burdens down, and take up His because only then will I find rest for my soul.
This bible study has been confirming all along that is what He wants to have me do. It has been His amazing grace to me that has opened my eyes and let me see. He has confirmed gifts in me, with the warning to not grow prideful and twist something that is good, and depend on it so much that it becomes an idol.

God sees the things in my past, but forgives me all the same, just as if they had never been. He answers prayers that have been prayed over me for the past 3+ years… not when I wanted, not when the people praying for me wanted, but slowly, gradually in His own time… at the perfect time. He is always working whether I see it or not.

And it’s when I don’t see it that I tend to make idols, hoping they will give me the quick answer I want, fill the need I want. Numb the pain, get rid of the hurt, keep more painful things from happening. But that isn’t how God works, and I have had to learn patience. Hard when you are in the midst of a trial.

So many of these things several main idols that I can see, have been a part of me for so long, they look so huge and intimidating, and I wonder if I can really lay them down. Am I even willing to?

Tonight I made a choice to lay them down and ask God to help me root them out of my life. I made a verbal, out loud choice of my will to lay down my idols. My heart isn’t fully there yet, because I know it is going to be a painful process. But what isn’t? Cleansing and purifying our lives can be painful, and can take time. I have been cleansing my life this year through counseling, and it has been very painful… but oh, so rewarding.

I have grown so much closer to God. Even through my mistakes He has continues to call to me. Our just God has been endlessly, unchangeably wanting me to come to Him. When I realize that my way isn’t working, He wants me to fall to my knees, exhausted from all my posturing, manipulating, scheming, and finally lay down all that I have been carrying in hopes that it would fill me.

When I have done that before, sometimes I have expected punishment for leaving him and turning to something else. But each time He has gently taken those things from me and covered me, poured His life and love and comfort into my soul. I have just had to let go and let Him minister to my soul.

Surrender

“[We have to] let go of the life we have planned in order to accept the Life we have waiting for us.”

Our God is our life. Our part is to surrender everything, even our dreams to Him and allow Him to fill every space we have left after letting things go. He will then fill us with His Spirit and HIS dreams for us.