A new place...

A new place.

That’s where I am now. 

In a new place.  I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.

Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him.  He prompted me to surrender to Him completely.  I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future.  I was going to trust Him with everything.

After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something. 

It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.

We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.

As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me.  To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need."  However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need."  Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table.  That kind of sufficiency.

It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.

 As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.

When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray.  All I could do was cry.  As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep. 

In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.

I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing).  I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into.  As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head.  I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough.

I couldn't get it out of my head.  A day or so later, I was discharged.  Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week?  Yup.  You guessed it...

So, now back full circle.

Enough.

Sufficient.

God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.

Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life.  I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.

Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.

Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry.  I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me.  I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)

When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions.  I had to.  I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me.  But I could hardly stand it.

The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”

I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me.   He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace.  He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.

I know He will always be working to free me and restore me.  Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.

Wednesday, that is exactly what happened. 

God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.

I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression.  Free from needing to take medications.  I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore. 

I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds.  He has for others. 

But then I realized.

Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders.  (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)

He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago.  He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.

Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.

Surrender more.

Trust more.

With a faith deeper than before.

So I said it.

He used depression to get me here.

So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him.  Obeyed Him.

I prayed.

“Ok, Lord.  I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”

Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered

Now what?

Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs.  Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used.  Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand.  Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all.  Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.

Newly healed legs.  Strengthened ankles.  Feet solidly placed on the Rock.

He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him.  Resting.  Looking.  Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.

Just waiting. 

And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me. 

Being a wife and mother.

Doing my administrative job.

Assisting on the Communications Team.

Leading worship on a Worship Team.

And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.

This is truly a new place for me.

And I am overwhelmed….

God's fingerprints...

It has been such a long weekend.  Our Annual Celebration at our church went really well.  People had a wonderful time at our "Mexican Fiesta" themed evening. 

We had a taco bar, a quiz about Mexico, mexican cheesecake, a pinata for the kids, and the "Year in Review" slide show DVD.  We had a lower turn out than expected, but it was a warm cozy atmosphere.

When I woke up yesterday, I knew I was in trouble though.  I had been feeling better the last couple of days, though still sick, but had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.  When I woke, I felt much worse.  But with all the things I had to do, I knew that I wasn't going to have time to go to the walk-in clinic until this afternoon, after church.

So, I dosed up on medicine and went through my day yesterday, and this morning.  When I got up this morning, I found myself very dizzy and it was difficult to get myself moving.  I ended up making it through church and our annual business meeting.  After the business meeting, I was able to talk briefly to my friend, Cindy.

After talking to me, Cindy nearly pushed me out the door of the church to go to the walk-in.  I was right.  I was running a low grade fever, and have a sinus infection.  So, I got my meds, picked up my son from the grandparents farm, and he and I watched a movie and rested on the couch together this afternoon and evening.

But, a God thing happened today, that I need to share.

Here I am, at the tail end of a busy weekend, and I can see all that God did this weekend to make it all happen... even giving me a bit of quiet time alone at the church yesterday in a lull between things.

Something big happened this morning though.  As I was getting ready for church, the name of someone I know popped into my head.  I have been praying for her for a while now, but with this whole weekend, though I had thought about her, there had been no specific prayers.  But this morning, I just started praying around 8am or so, maybe a bit earlier, for her.  I remember specifically asking God to keep her safe, and to help her know that He is with her, for some specific healing that she is needing, among other things.  I also remember saying to God that I really didn't know what else to pray for her, but that He did, He knew what she needed, so to just work in her life.

I got to church, we started the service, and opening with some worship.  After that we had announcements and then Pastor Kim got up to share with us some prayer requests and lead us in a prayer time.  When he got up there, he shared with us that someone at church had gotten a call from this woman I had prayed for.  She was in the ER, having flipped her truck three times, totaling it.

We immediately spent time praying for her.  I later was able to connect with one of this gals friends, who told me that the accident had probably happened right around the time I was praying.

Praise God she is all right.  A friend told me she has some cuts on her hands, and cut the back of her head, but because she had her seatbelt on, she didn't get thrown from the truck.  All the windows were shattered, and I guess she actually climbed out of one of the windows just as the EMT's got there.  She hit a patch of black ice as she was driving, and that was it.

I haven't seen her, probably won't be able to, but am so grateful to know that she is all right, and that she is with friends who are going to be checking on her throughout the night in case of a concussion.  She is the single mom of a young man.  I can't imagine how he's reacting right now, knowing what happened.  One of my friends said that there is not one straight piece of metal on that truck, that it is a miracle that she survived this accident.

God orchestrated when I would be praying.  He orchestrated that no other cars would be involved.  He made sure she was buckled in, and that the EMTs arrived when they did.  God also orchestrated our church body to help her.  One friend drove two others to her at the hospital, and then got someone to go find her truck and get her things out of it.  One of the gals at the hospital with her was able to go to her house and get her some necessary things for the night.  Another friend is taking her and her son in for the night so she isn't alone and her son doesn't have to take on a burden of caring for her.

God's hand was in all of it, and I am so grateful for the glimpse I got today of how He works, and how He works through us, His body, when we are all functioning as one, when we are listening actively to Him, ready and willing to do what He says.  I am thrilled by how He let me see His fingerprints all over it.

Beauty - worship

I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see there.

I mean, really look in the mirror. Not to fix my hair or clothes, but to look at my face, in my eyes and be able to appreciate my outward, physical appearance.

I don't mean this to be vain.

Like I said in my previous post, God loves me, I am His beloved. He didn't create just the inside of me. He created all of me. Inside and out. He knew what nose I would have, that my hair would turn gray early, everything about me - physically.

I guess this difficulty in appreciating my physical appearance has become more pronounced the more I have healed in how I look at myself over all. I mean, I really didn't like myself at all for so long, that it was a huge turn around to really love myself inwardly.

Now that I am loving myself there, how God created me to love and empathize with others... everything, I am seeing the double standard I have been holding myself to.

Liking one part of myself as I see it integrate with all I am doing, and hating the other part of me for how it looks and won't fit into what I want it to, or won't do what I want it to physically.

Some days are better than others. And by better, I mean that some days I am able to ignore the physical beauty or lack there of (perceived by my flawed eyes and standards, I know). Other days, I feel like it is totally staring me in the face and at the forefront of my mind all the time.

Something that I am starting - trying to do consistently - is something that Cindy challenged me to.

Every time I get in the car, and either I am alone, or the kids are quiet in the car, I spend the time worshiping and praising God. Literally. The whole time in the car. Not asking for anything. Not coming with a laundry list.

Worshiping Him.
Praising Him.

Try it for one day. I dare you!

Cindy reminded me that I would have nothing to pour out to anyone else unless I was filled. I also wouldn't have the right focus about my day, my self, my life and my looks, unless I was filled by Jesus. When I worship Him, I focus on Him, connect myself in relationship with Him, and end up getting encompassed by His love.

It's amazing the changes in my heart and mind as I have tried it the past couple of days.

I am not "there" yet, but I can sense a difference, not necessarily in how I view my beauty, but in how I am reacting to the lies I have been believing. Slowly the truth has been sinking in, and in the process, God has been giving me new things to explore and discover in the word.

More on that later.

I do challenge you to try to spend your quiet times, not just praying and requesting things, but to really spend it in praise and worship of God - who He is, what He's done, what He's doing - anything and everything. I can see that is is transforming and life changing... already, after a couple of days.

Advent of Trust #11; Step by Step

One of the things that I find myself praying is that when people look at my life, they will see a life marked out as different.

I don't know that is the case now, but I want others to see that God is my source and my comfort and my strength. I want others to see that no matter what, I trust in Him.

I want others to see what I have gone through, and what God has done in me, and choose to trust Him.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:2-3

I want something different for my life than to just give a "head nod" to God for helping me out of something tough. I want to sing that new song He has put into my mouth. I want to sing that hymn of praise to my God.

Nothing would fill my heart with joy, more than to sing the songs I know He is giving me. To speak the words He would have me speak. To write the words I know He would have me write. I want to glorify Him.

He is the one who lifted me out of the mire.
He is the one who has pulled me out of my shaky circumstances, and set me on a rock.
He is the one who delivers from fear.

HE is the one to fear, and in whom to put our trust.

He is the one who even gave me a song to sing. I will sing it with all of my heart.

As part of the song "Step by Step," by Rich Mullins goes...

"Oh God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you!
Oh God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you!
I will seek you in the morning.
I will learn to walk in your ways.
And step by step you'll lead me,
and I will follow you all of my days."

That's what it is. Praising Him , seeking Him in the morning, learning from Him, and trusting Him to lead me step by step through everything.... then making the choice to trust Him enough to follow Him, even when it seems like a big, dark, deep valley we are heading into.

God's warmth and light....

The night falls so swiftly now.

Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!

I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.

I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.

How God met me in that warmth!

He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.

As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.

I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!

My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.

Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.

Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.

I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.

I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.

He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.

Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.

And then again....
Maybe He won't.

All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.

It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.

A family within a family.

Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.

The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.

It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.

God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.

He brings light from the darkness.

Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.

I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.

He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.

trust, live, rejoice, rely in all these new things...

I (as I seem to have written before) have meant to sit down all week and write. It just hasn't happened.

This week has been eventful to say the least!!

Among many other things, I received a job offer at the beginning of the week. It's one I applied for a while back, but had to keep low key for various reasons. Now that it is more public knowledge in our church, I am able to share it here. I am now the new administrator for our church.

I am so excited. I have no idea what the job holds. It's part time, so I will be able to still be with the kids a lot of the week. I am going to be working Monday through Wednesday, and on those days, the kids grandfather (retired) will be watching Marina, and picking up Peter from school.

It is going to make our life extremely busy! (not that it wasn't before!!!) But it is needed income at the moment, and I think really fits a need in the church, and most probably a need in my personal life, spiritual life. I don't know for sure, but God does, and He knows what He has planned for me.

We also had the opportunity to take the daughter of a family friend with us to AWANA with the kids this week. She loved it. Our kids loved having her there.

In an un-typical move (for me) I told this young lady's mother that if she enjoyed it and wanted to go again, to just let us know and we could pick her up every week. I gave her some of the details in an email.... it now sounds like we may be adding V. to our number for Wednesday nights.

I am really excited about V coming with us. I am thrilled that her mom and dad want her to go, and that she was excited about it. She is about 2 years older than Peter, is reading, and is a very bright young lady. She is going to have no problems memorizing the scripture verses each week, and will very quickly be able to keep up with the class of kids. She and Peter will be in the Sparks group for this year, as they go from Kindergarten through second grade.

She is in second grade in Peter's school, and I think it will be good for both of them to be together for this year. The more I learn about AWANA (this is my first exposure through my own kids... I never had the opportunity for something like this myself as a child) the more I am glad that the kids get to be in it. Not only does it put value on learning more about God, Jesus, and who He is, and what it means to have Him in our lives, it gives ownership to the kids.

From all I have read and listened to, the kids are encouraged to make personal choices to follow Jesus. They are encouraged to read Scripture, to memorize it and to treasure it. It isn't just memorizing to get levels and patches for their vests. They are taught the meaning behind each verse and what it looks like applied to their lives.

I am so glad to have an outside source to try to bring these ideas home to the kids.
I am so glad that our friends want their daughter to come with us.
I am so glad that we got involved in AWANA despite my hesitation at the beginning!

This could be a really stressful few months for me as I settle in and adjust to the working environment, and settling in with the kids on a routine, etc.

Please pray for this transition!

I got off the phone with Karen, the kids' grandmother and my mother-in-law, and she and Joe (the retired grandpa ;) ) were not realizing that for the first 4+ weeks I would need their help 3 days a week. They were still anticipating only Monday and Tuesday needing to watch them.

When I clarified that I was going to really need them three days a week, so I could get my 24 hours in, she seems a bit taken aback. She understood once I told her that Dave's schedule was that far out, and he couldn't request off Wednesdays on schedules already posted. If he were to get a Wednesday off, he would have to trade hours with someone, if there were someone who wanted to trade.

It makes it harder for me to think of leaving the kids when I know that there might possibly be a problem.....

..... but I know that is borrowing from the future, and that isn't what God wants.

I am using a devotional to help focus me for just a few minutes in the morning before my day gets jump started. I later can come back to God and get a deeper refreshment from Him... but I start my morning with this devotional and a few moments of consciously resting in His arms.

Today's devotional I had to re-read just now, especially after finding myself starting to worry about expectations, and what my in-laws might be thinking about being "saddled" with the kids so I can work.. And I immediately started brainstorming ways that we could make things work without putting the kids on their hands further.

This is from the devotional given to be my a "bloggy" buddy. :) It's called "Jesus Calling. Enjoying Peace in His Presence." It is written in first person, as if it is God speaking directly to you.

Check out how timely this was!

October 10
Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. This is a subtle sin - so common it usually slips by unnoticed.
The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in my abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent enough to handle something yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day more confidently.
(emphasis mine)

Talk about speaking right into where I'm at. Rather than fearing, and focusing on the future that I am NOT able to change one whit, by worrying about it, I need to rest in Him, rejoice in God's abundant supply in my life. My own inadequacy, my own insufficiency is all opportunity for God to be glorified.


Oh God, I so want you to be glorified in all I do. I don't want to live only parts of my life surrendered to you. I want all of my life to be surrendered to you... every last bit of it. I am tired of trying to live on my own, of trying to make things work in and of my own strength, and only running to you when my strength runs out.
I can't thank you enough Jesus, that you take me as I am - many times flat on my face in the dust - and you redeem my life from the pit. How incredible that you love me that much!
May I live in the reality of that each day. I don't do well with that usually, and I find myself "planning" things out in advance. None of that really works. Only you work. Why do I constantly find myself trying to do those things on my own, when in reality only complete dependence on you works?
Reform my thinking, change my heart. Uproot old habits, refocus my gaze. May I be pleasing in your sight. May all the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you.
Show me more and more what it means that you delight in me, and how to further delight myself in you! Thank you so much, Jesus for delighting in me, for creating me for that relationship with you, for desiring to be close to me all my days. Thank you for giving me a purpose as simple and complex as delighting in you. In everything and through everything.
I love you.
Goodnight, sweet Jesus.

Choose to praise...

"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. "
Psalm 103:1-5

These verses spoke to me this week, as a reminder to my soul to trust in Him at all times.

The whole psalm was so good. I read through it last night before I went to bed. I prayed through it, and praised God through it.

A conscious decision to praise Him.

It's amazing what it does for my heart and soul.

I am wondering if some of what is going on is because I am consciously working on my marriage. I am consciously trying to do what I can for my part to connect better with my husband, rather than not talk. I mean, it got to the point where I felt like we were co-existing, not really relating.

It has really troubled me, so Cindy started praying specifically for us. She also challenged me to try to share something, anything with him... even small. As I have started doing this, it has opened up the lines of communication between us again. I have been concentrating on not shutting down with him as I have been struggling the past couple of weeks or so. It feels so much better.

One thought is that there is spiritual attack (duh) because the last thing the enemy wants is us to have a strong marriage.

Something I noticed today, as I reflected back over a conversation with Cindy, bothered me. I realized that she was nearly dancing up and down at the answer to prayers upon prayers. I mean, God is answering our prayers for a stronger marriage! He is! Shouldn't I be dancing up and down too? Where were my dancing shoes when I realized what God was doing?

What I end up focusing on is the depression that I feel, the other things that just don't seem right, the problems, etc... rather than praising God for who He is and what He has done.

So, today... even if it is only right now... even if it is on and off, not constant... I am going to choose to praise.

The Choice to Praise

I am going to choose.
Choose to praise.
Praise my God
God my Father

My Father who has worked
Worked through His Spirit
His Spirit in my heart
My heart that has been changed.

Changed and healed
Healed, felt or not
Not because I must praise
Praise because I have the choice.

By Heather Kudla, 06-11-09

Will you choose to praise with me?

Cindy home again

Cindy is home. Extremely tired, but home safely.

Thank you, thank you all who have been praying for me. Today is better. I am still tired. The fog is lifting some, though it is still dark.

I just wanted to add this update for all you. My dear friend Cindy just called me. She is on her way home from Tennessee!

Thank you so much for praying for her. She said that atmosphere there was just oppressive and was really hard to deal with. Her mom was very demanding, and just the family dynamics there were so difficult for her. She said she spent a lot of time in confession because she just got so angry.

She is exhausted, so pray that she will be able make it home safely. She said that she was up almost every hour during the night with her mom. She needs filling and renewing by God on her way home. I know she is enjoying her time in solitude driving.

Thank you for praying. She should be home around dinner time.
I will let you know when she gets home.

New Scripture Memory...

I am planning on posting on my book study later today, or tonight. But right now, I just wanted to share about my scripture memory, and how God seems to be continuing a theme.

From the very beginning of the year as I started memorizing scripture, God has been drawing my heart to different scripture passages, following a theme.

I started with Romans 12:1-2, being transformed by the renewing of my mind, which is what the scripture memory is all about, renewing my mind, by filling it with God's Word.

Then as I started to deal with anxiety, and quite a lot of it, since I had finished counseling recently, I found Philippians 4:4-7, where God talks about not being anxious about anything, but presenting our requests to Him, and His peace would guard my heart and mind. Then in 1 Peter 5:6-8, I was encouraged again to cast my anxieties on Him, because He cares for me... and had a warning to be alert because the enemy is looking around for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:9-11 continued the exhortation to stand firm in my faith... because after a little while of suffering God will restore me and make me strong, firm and steadfast.

So, though the sufferings may be intense, I should not throw away my confidence but I need to persevere, so I will receive what He has promised. Hebrews 10:35-36; 39 reminded me of that, and that I am not one of those who shrinks back, but of those who believe and are saved.

Then as I needed to be reminded of the love of God, I looked towards Romans 8, where it talks about nothing being able to separate us from the love of God, but instead, I found myself in 1 John 3:1-2. There it talked about how great the love the Father lavished on me, because I am called a child of God... with the promise of being like Him when we see Him as He is. As another reminder of being a child of God, I was back in Romans 8:15-18. There it dealt with my fear, and also being a child of God. Not only have I not received the spirit of bondage again to fear, but I have been given the spirit of adoption, and am His child, and an heir of God. And it also brought up again the sufferings in this world, but this time reminding me that they are nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed.

Then last week, as I met with Cindy, somehow these verses came up in our conversation. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18. This again speaks into the spirit we have received, not of bondage but because it is the Lord's Spirit I have been given, I have freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from the past. I am being transformed into His likeness, because I am reflecting the Lord's glory and I am hiding His word in my heart, and being transformed by the renewing of my mind.

See, God has led me on a journey through all these verses. It is so good to pull out my scripture memory notebook and see how God has molded all these verses together, to lead me through each and every situation I have been in. Each scripture verse has spoken to me in the couple of weeks that I have been memorizing them. Then each one has linked to the next one to keep reminding me of the truths that I know. I know them, but they just need to sink deeper into my heart.

Now, whenever I am attacked by the enemy, I have the ammunition and the scripture right at hand to stand firm. I know the truth, and I can use it to reassure myself of my identity in Christ, and to remind me of who I am to be reflecting in my life.

I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind. My freedom in Christ is being reinforced by the scripture Jesus is leading me to.

My God has shown again and again that He is answering the scripture that I made my prayer for this year.

"Oh Lord be gracious to me, I long for you. Be my strength every morning, my salvation in time of distress." Isaiah 33:2

He has increased the longing in my heart for Him. He has given me strength, and He has saved me in my distress. He indeed is gracious!

Have you seen any ways that God has drawn themes through your life recently? Has God shown you, or led you through scripture in ways that have really spoken to you? Will you share that encouragement with me?

May God bless you,

"Self talk, Soul talk," Chap. 11; Praise the Lord...

On Sunday at church, though things were better, I was still reeling from my experiences on Friday.

There was nothing I could do.
I was still stumbling in darkness.

I went to church.
Alone.

The kids were sick, so they stayed home with Dave.

Our associate pastor, Brad, came up to me and asked me how I was doing. He is one of those people who, especially since he has seen me through some of these past few years, won’t take “I’m fine,” for an answer. So, I managed to express that it was really tough, and that I really felt like I was floundering… and had been hit big time with depression over the weekend.

He gave me a quick squeeze and a warm smile, and then moved on rapidly, as the service was about to start. As I sat in the service, I felt like I was sitting alone, apart and separated from those around me. Until the worship started. When the music started, I could feel my heart start to quicken.

The first couple of songs were just a good “warm up” for me, and started to let in a little light. Then Brad prayed, asking God to lighten the hearts of those of us who were feeling heavily burdened, and praising God that darkness was as light to Him.

My heart shook and trembled at that.

Then later in the service a new song was introduced. Over and over the words reminded me. Reminded me of who God is.

• my Shield
• my Strength
• my Portion
• my Deliverer
• my Shelter
• my Strong Tower
• my very present Help in time of need

Then my heart really started taking notice.

Later in the day I came back to the church for a prayer meeting. As we prayed for our leadership, for our church, and for anything else on our hearts;

God spoke.
In the quiet.

I wasn’t able to pray out loud then.
That came later.

But I had this impression that God really wanted me to surrender. Everything. Let Him have the burden I was carrying. And to confess. I wasn’t sure what, but I knew He was calling to me, and asking me to do it soon.

As soon as the prayer meeting was over, Pastor Brad leaned over and said that as he was walking from his home to church for the meeting, he was praying for me… and then was blown away when he saw me drive right by him. I thanked him for his prayers on my behalf, and asked God in my head, “What are You doing?”

People scattered from the room, and through the church to other meetings, or heading home for the rest of the day.

Instead of going outside and to a park to enjoy the beautiful weather before my choir practice, I hung around talking to a friend until the lobby had cleared, then slipped into the sanctuary before someone saw me.

I walked to the front, and sat down on the floor,

near the piano,
near the altar,
near the cross.

It was cool and quiet.
Peaceful.

I turned to Psalm 139, and read some of it. The parts of never being able to flee from Him, escape His presence… and that even if I wanted darkness to hide me, the darkness was as light to Him.

It took on a whole new meaning in the light of the pain I had been in over the weekend, on Friday… and maybe longer, as it just poured out of seemingly nowhere…

He never left me. Even when I was crying and raging. Even when I couldn’t feel Him. Even when I didn’t want to do anything but run. I couldn’t run from Him. I can’t.

Even though I was/am surrounded by darkness, He can see. He can see through it. Though my soul feels like it is floundering, He is holding me, seeing the rocks I am tripping on and trying to guide me, if only…

…if only.

If only I would look up at Him.
If I would lift Him up.

It took the praise earlier in the day, and the opportunity to pray later on, to soften my heart enough to hear His voice.

I spent time in confession.

One of the things: allowing my gaze to be wrenched off of Him, and onto my problems, my self, my pain. I needed to spend time seeking His forgiveness for not letting Him be my all in all.

I spent time in surrender.

I cried out to Him how much I hurt. I cried out about how things were so hard. How I just wanted to run away. But this time, I left it with Him. I was on my face sobbing. But I was surrendering.

Then I was sobbing, but praising Him. I spent time in the Word. I spent time reading again and again about who He is… and I praised Him for it. I sang back through the song we sang at church that morning.

As Jennifer said in our final chapter of our book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,”
“…lift up God. As He grows bigger in your thought closet, you grow smaller.”

“When He becomes the center of our attention, we no longer take that spot.”

I forced my gaze back onto Him on Sunday afternoon. I confessed, I surrendered, and I lifted Him up. I praised Him while I was in the sanctuary of my church.

And I left the building with peace.

I still am struggling with depression. I suppose I have written that so many times in different posts it comes as no surprise. But right now I am at peace with it. I am at peace with God. I have my eyes focused on Him, and I pray that I will be able to continue to do that.

When I start focusing on “my” depression, I become the center of my attention, and that is exactly what the enemy wants. He wants me to focus on me, my problems, my anxieties… never on God.

But when I focus my gaze on the author and perfecter of my faith, I am looking up, and lifting up my soul.

“The Bible tells us that God takes pleasure in our praise. But when we set aside worries about our habitats and lose ourselves in the life-shaping, darkness-chasing, happiness-enhancing experience of pure praise, the pleasure is all ours.”

Here is the song that our worship team introduced in our worship time on Sunday. It was a powerful reminder of who God is, and that He has delivered me and set my feet upon a rock, so I will not be moved.



As icing on the cake… to top off my day, my God overwhelmed me. He blessed me beyond measure. Last week, I auditioned for a solo in my choir. I have tried out for years. Never thought I would get one… even this time.

But God.

I will be singing a solo in my choir concert at the end of April. The icing part of it? The song is “Be Thou My Vision.” (yes, the hymn, but different melody)

But how appropriate… He is my vision. I will lift Him up!

201...

I don’t have much to say, except I can’t believe how far this has come.

God is so GOOD!!!!

Just over a year ago, I never in a million years would have thought that I would have started a blog.

I didn’t even know what a blog was.

I started exploring (really looking up a definition of a “blog” on line) and then found out that my best friend was starting one because she was going overseas on a year long mission trip and wanted to use a blog to keep us all updated on how she was doing.

I decided to start a blog as well. If only for her and a bit of my family and friends that I gave my blog address to.

I didn’t know what I was going to write. Maybe a few thoughts I had about things that I felt God was telling me.

I never thought that I would have connected with people all over the world. From Australia, to Canada, to all over the USA.

And here I am, still.

Over a year later (I started January 1, 2008 ) this being my 201st post.

I sure didn’t think it would come to this. I never knew that God would heal me as much as He has. I never realized that He would take me on the journey He has. I never thought that I would ever have a dream or passion again.

God has given me a passion and a dream and an inkling of something big.

I don’t know what that is, yet, exactly…
…I will probably elaborate on a later post,
once my thoughts are gathered together…

I just want to thank you so much for following along with me. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your advice and prayers and support. Thank you for sharing your lives with me, and letting me share my life with you.

I love to journal. I love to write. I love to share what God is doing.

He is an amazing God. There is none like Him. He is the only true and living God! I am so grateful for His active work in my life… for His obvious hand at work changing me and molding me to become more like Him.

I may not be my most eloquent at this time of night.
I may not be my most awake at this time of night.
Especially after a long weekend like this one,
full of God’s work and insight and vision…

(and full of toddlers and sick husbands working 12 hour shifts all weekend, and, and, and…)

…but thank you from the bottom of my heart, all of you…
…for becoming part of my family…
…part of my life…

You bless me beyond belief… you will never know the impact you have on my life.

I praise God for you.
Above all else…. I praise God.
Period.

Thank You so much God, for changing my life so much for this year, for the suffering and the pain, and the joy and the healing. You have brought me passion and given me dreams. I never thought that I would have those things again. Last year, if someone had told me that in a year I would be in this place, I would have laughed them off, and thought they were crazy. You are so good! Thank you Jesus for the new friends I have gained through this blog and for the people that are out there that I may never know, who follow this blog, unseen by me. You know any and every one of them, intimately. Thank You Jesus that You love them enough to call to their very hearts and souls and woo them to You. I don’t need to know who they all are, but You do. I am so grateful that You are the One who oversees everything, who coordinates everything…. even all the bad stuff, and works it all for good! May You be glorified through my life, through this blog, and through every word that I write and speak. Guide my every word, guide my every thought, and keep me safe in Your hands, no matter how hard my flesh might struggle to get out of your grasp. I want to be in the very center of Your will. Keep me there. Keep teaching me. Keep molding me. Keep transforming me. Help me to be a reflection of who You are, so that when others look at me, they see You. I want my life to be nothing more than a reflection of You. If it is that reflection, it will be more than enough.
Thank You, Jesus, for filling every need I would ever have. Thank You for being enough in every and any situation. You are an amazing God, and I love you.
Thank You Jesus.
Amen and amen!

Themes... re-occurring.. again, and again...

Well, here we go again!

God seems to be pulling things together to get my attention.

I don’t know what for, but He has my attention.
He really got it today with back to back things.

Through this past week’s sermon He really caught my attention, making me aware of some of my fears that might hold me back from Him. He showed me that He is truly glorified and shown beautiful when we are in the midst of suffering, and we still choose to praise Him and say out loud and in our hearts, that HE IS ENOUGH. HE IS SUFFICIENT.

So that was the start of me working through some things this week.

All throughout this week, God has been giving me scriptures at just the right time. Just as I needed it, I would remember scripture, or read something that I needed to keep me focused on Jesus and not my fears.

Today I was given some more realizations in two devotionals that I did.

The first one was by Beth Moore. A devotional based on the life of John. She talked about how John was with Jesus in the best and worst situations. From a human point of view. Yet when human reasoning would be screaming to run away, John went into the inner courts to be near Jesus. He stood at the foot of the cross as Jesus died. He clung, even when it made no sense.

My prayer when I was done with that devotional, was that I want to be able to live a life of someone who clings to God even when it doesn’t make sense in the world’s eyes. I want to cling to Jesus. In the best of times, and in the times when all my humanness screams to run away, and stop trusting, because it will never work out.

Clinging to Him.

Then I got the Proverbs 31 devotional for today. The author basically talked about what her 2 biggest fears were. And how she prayed they would never happen. Then she found herself living in the very middle of them.

She said,
“Not only is He near us, He is working things out, growing our faith and our character as we wrestle with our fears and learn to accept His will. While we can’t understand why He allows our fears to materialize, we later realize that we have come to know Him in a whole new way through them. He is our reward for persevering.”

Talk about hitting the nail on the head! Talk about pounding the point home!

OK, God, I get it.

Well, so I don’t really get it yet, but He has my attention for sure.

I don’t know whether He is reminding me of these things now because I have come through so much. He is reminding me that I landed in most of my worst fears, and yet He was there through it all. Maybe He is trying to get me to focus on not the pain from the past, but how He brought me out of it. How I have grown through and because of it.

Maybe He is reminding me of these things because of the struggles I am in now. He wants to remind me to continue to focus on Him despite the enemy’s attacks and lies and fears that are assailing me. Maybe He is bringing these things up to help me persevere through the present trials.

Then He could me trying to teach me things to give me a hand hold for the future. He may be working on teaching me things so that I will be better equipped to deal with the fears and trials down the road.

It probably is a combination of all three.

After today, that pattern is unmistakable. Whatever the reason, if I ever know or not, I don’t suppose it really matters. It doesn’t really matter. Because God is more interested in growing me, and growing you, than giving us the answers our human understanding wants to know.

He wants us to, in all circumstances, praise Him.
He wants us to, in all circumstances, glorify Him.
He wants us to, in all circumstances, honor Him.
He wants us to, in all circumstances, love Him.
He wants us to, in all circumstances…

Cling to HIM.
NOTHING else.
NO ONE else.
Just HIM.
Because.
HE IS ENOUGH.

Here is a short video that our pastor shared at the beginning of last week’s sermon. I pray that it touches you as much as it did me.



Did you catch that?

“God is most glorified in you, when you are the most satisfied in Him, in the midst of loss, not prosperity.”

That’s what I want. In the midst of loss, in the midst of suffering. I want God to be glorified, because I am satisfied in HIM not in anything else… only HIM.

Jesus is planting that desire in my heart. I am fearful that He will have me live it out. But at the same time, if He does, He is still enough. I want to glorify Him with my life. I want to show others around me that no matter what, God is enough.

I want to share my story of what I have come through with others, not to magnify me… but to magnify and glorify and honor God. Because HE brought me out of the darkness and into His wonderful light.

I tell you, there is nothing better than seeing the light of day, than feeling the fresh air on my face, than rejoicing in freedom… except for knowing that it was God who got me there.
No one else. Not my doctors, not my family or friends, not my counselor, not my own strength and perseverance.

God used all those things as tools.
But God was the one who got me there.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above ye heavenly host!
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost!
AMEN!!!

Comfort and Joy and Promises... Advent of Joy #20

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
1 Peter 1:8-9

Oh I read these verses today and just didn’t know. I wasn’t sure where that inexpressible joy was, but I didn’t feel it. At all. I mean I know I can believe Him and trust Him to have my best at heart. But last night I went to bed mad. Frustrated with some circumstances in my life that really had me upset.

One of the things is that I get so frustrated the last few days before Christmas. For once, one year, I would love to enter into the last few days before Christmas, and be able to actually relax and enjoy the season and the anticipation. I want to be able to show my kids the real reason we are celebrating. I want to be able to enter into mine and my son’s birthday (tomorrow) and relax and enjoy the celebration. Instead, today again I am stressed out and frustrated and wondering how in the world we are going to be ready in time to head to my parents on Christmas Eve.

Juggling my husband’s work schedule around family celebrations is so hard. We have no idea from year to year how we are going to meet both of our families requests to be together.
All these little things just added up… and I managed to forget about joy… and His comfort.
I have not seen Jesus physically… and though my love for Him didn’t disappear, I sure haven’t been feeling it. And I though I know that He will bless and give good gifts, in my heart I wasn’t believing it.

But this morning I was reminded that the true gift I have been given isn’t anything physical. It isn’t anything that my husband or kids or family can do for me. The true gift of Christmas is the goal of my faith, the salvation of my soul. That fills me with inexpressible joy. I may not always “feel” that joy. But it really is there.

“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant”
Psalm 119:76

Again He comforts me.

Comfort and joy instead of sorrow and frustration and anger.
That is His promise.

He surprised me this morning with an opportunity to get away and get some last minute shopping done. With an early birthday present from my mother-in-law of a gift card to a store that has a 50 % off sale on everything in their store. A blessing for me to get some of the things that I have wanted and needed.

Last night I was so out of sorts that I just wasn’t finding joy in anything. My body is fighting off a cold and I know that my stress level isn’t helping that any. I was to the point of not liking a Birthday present from God Himself.

You might ask what that was?
Even Dave commented that this was the first time he had seen this in me.

Snow.

I know. It seems so simple and silly…. and crazy to some of you who don’t like it.
But as soon as I see snowflakes, I get excited. I want to get out and drive in it. I want to go out and shovel and play in it. Seriously.

And last night when I saw that we were going to get more snow tonight, and tomorrow. I didn’t get excited. That’s when I knew I wasn’t drawing any joy from anything. I just went to bed. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t read. I cried myself to sleep, and had a horrible attitude.

Psalm 42:5 and 8 say:
“Why are you so downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.”
“By day the Lord directs His love,
at night His song is with me -
A prayer to the God of my life.”

He was sure doing a lot of singing over me last night. Because this morning I woke with a new attitude. I still feel like I am battling a cold, but I am looking forward to the snow. I am looking forward to celebrating my birthday with my son.

My God promises to give me comfort and joy… His unfailing love is my comfort… He delights to bring me joy, even in the small things…

My God keeps His promises…

of provision,
of comfort,
of joy,

of His presence with me all the time.

Exuberant commotion... Advent of Joy #15

“One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer–at three in the afternoon. Now a man crippled from birth was being carried to the temple gate called Beautiful, where he was put every day to beg from those going into the temple courts.
When he saw Peter and John about to enter, he asked them for money. Peter looked straight at him, as did John. Then Peter said, “Look at us!” So the man gave them his attention, expecting to get something from them.
Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk.” Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God.
When all the people saw him walking and praising God, they recognized him as the same man who used to sit begging at the temple gate called Beautiful, and they were filled with wonder and amazement at what had happened to him”
Acts 3:1-10

Can you imagine being there that day in the temple? You look up and there is a man that has been crippled for as long as you’ve known him, leaping and jumping, walking, clinging to two men, praising God at the top of his voice!

I have always loved this story.

I love the man’s exuberance. He wasn’t shy about what happened. He had never known what it was like to walk, run, or play with other children growing up. He had never known what it felt like to be normal, a husband and father, working a day’s labor, as an adult. He just sat and begged for money from those going into the temple. He had to sit where he was put.

Imagine the shame in that. He didn’t look at anyone, he just asked for money. After all this time, he probably didn’t want to look at the rejection and loathing in people’s faces. Remember at that time it was thought that either the child or the parents had sinned if there was a birth defect. He was an outcast in his whole community. He was identified by his crippled legs.

No wonder Peter had to tell him to look at them. He probably was keeping his head down, expecting another rejection. When someone actually took notice of him, and asked him to look at them, to him it must have been like and invitation to a relationship.

Little did he know, that was exactly what he was getting. An invitation into a relationship.
Peter said that he couldn’t give him silver or gold, but could give him what he had. He had Jesus. He knew the healing power of Jesus. Peter himself had rejected Christ, but been restored by Him. He knew the healing and mercy of His Savior. So he gave that same healing and mercy to the crippled man.

The man’s response. That is what I want my response to be. I want to respond to God’s healing the same way that man did. He ran and lept and praised God. He was loud and filled with such joy that he couldn’t keep silent. Later verses tell us that all the people were astonished and came running to see what the commotion was about.

This man made a commotion in all his joy!

And his joy was contagious.

In Chapter 4:21b-22 it said that all the people were praising God for what had happened… because it was obvious that this was a miraculous healing… from God.

Oh that instances of our healing would cause us to make a commotion in all our joy!
I want to dance in the streets before the Lord, the way David did when the Ark of the Covenant came back into Jerusalem! I want to jump and shout and leap for joy at the way God has healed me. He has shown up in a mighty way in my life. He has healed in a mighty way.

I know the feelings of being released from a prison like this man was. His was the prison of physical health. Mine was a prison of emotional and mental health. The weight is gone, the feelings of being trapped are gone. I am finally free to be who God has called me to be.
The joy that man felt to be free, and the joy I feel are the same.

I want my joy and exuberance to be known!

I want to make a joyful, exuberant commotion!

My First Source... Advent of Joy #8

“Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his ; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture."
Psalm 100:1-3

Last night was a tough one. I was tired (way over tired) and low and just not doing the greatest. I was unable to gather my thoughts. This morning, after getting some decent sleep, though not nearly long enough, I am feeling better today.

As I was resting yesterday afternoon, I came across Psalm 100. It just spoke to me. It reminded me to worship God. When we worship God, when we focus on Him, not our problems, and give Him the praise, honor, and glory due to Him it is a powerful thing.

Again, looking back at this last year, I can see the good things that God has done. He has sifted out the chaff, purified my faith. He has gotten rid of some of the parts of me that I haven’t liked. He has shown me other areas I need to keep a close eye on.

I am even dealing with some now. One of them being, taking good care of myself. Making sure I get enough sleep, eat well, and get exercise and accomplish at least one thing around the house a day. All of those things will help me feel better, and as Tricia would say, good tools to help me deal with daily stress. Good coping mechanisms.

It has been a challenge to sleep as I have been tossing and turning most nights. Last night at least I got 6 1/2 hours of solid sleep, with no waking in between. That was a start. Right now I have a load of dishes in the washer, and I have a few things cleaned up around here. I was also able to start the day with God. Those are really good things.

This year has had one really good benefit, besides showing me areas of weakness that I need to keep an eye on. This year has drawn me ever closer to Jesus. I have realized that God has to be my first source to go to when I am in trouble, when I am down, when I need help or insight or focus. One of my tendencies is to lean on other people around me. But God has been giving me a deeper love for Him and His word, and a greater desire to spend time with Him.

That is more than enough reasons to come before Him with joyful songs and shout with joy to Him! In this advent, awaiting the celebration of His birth, there is nothing more important than to wait with joyful anticipation.

I know in my head that the Lord is God, and I believe it in my heart. I want to cling to that truth ever more closely. He made me.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:13-14

That is another reason to praise Him. I am not a mistake. He created me, and I am his. He said so. (Isaiah 43:1) We all are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

He is our shepherd. He leads us and cares for us and guides us to restful places when we need it and leads us through the darkness when we are afraid. He is the light for our path. His word is our guide. His word in our lives builds a foundation, that when everything else starts to fall apart, we will always have. We won’t be shaken off of it, if we continue to cling to Him and His word. We need to be able to cling to His promises for us. Know and really believe that He will accomplish great things in our lives, and it will give us strength to continue on and persevere.

Nothing is better for my soul than remembering that He made me, that I am His. For that I worship Him with joy and gladness in my heart. That worship is good for my soul as well!

Praise... Advent of Joy #2

“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.”
Psalm 126:3, 5-6

I have done a lot of sowing tears this past year. There are so many ways that God has given me seed to sow. He has taught me great things, and I have sown them in my heart and mind. But it has taken a lot of tears, sorrow and struggle.

But the Lord has done great things for me. I can rejoice in looking back at the past year, at the past few years, and seeing the wondrous things God has done.

He placed me in a group of people who were willing to walk with me through my struggles. They were equipped by God to stick with me and love me through everything.

More than anything that has show me that God does focus His attention on me. He has taken what I have sown in tears, and grown it into a harvest. A harvest of hunger for His word. A harvest of joy in His presence. A harvest that I have been returning with… with songs of joy.
I know that though I am sowing some tears right now, He will turn this into an opportunity for me to rejoice. It will become an opportunity for me to testify to His goodness and rejoice with my family and friends. I will be able to fall on my face in worship before Him in praise and adoration.

In uninhibited praise and adoration, I can rejoice. All my frustrations, fears, anxieties, and pain fall to the wayside. I am able to focus solely on Him and not worry about anything else. Oh the freedom and joy I had in worship yesterday. Nothing else mattered but Him. The relief of being able to let everything go and just worship Him. That gave me true joy Sunday at church.

Even if it was only for a short time, I did have that moment of joy I needed. It really helped me refocus, at least for a while. I think I am going to need to focus on some praise and worship to bring myself to a point where I can have some more joy of letting it go, and trying to trust that He knows what I need and will provide.

"Yes to God" Chapter 8... Loved and Accepted

“Deep down inside, when no one is around and the only sound that breaks the silence is the beating of our own hearts, we long to feel the warm embrace of love wrapped around us. We desire to truly experience lasting and genuine love, maybe for the first time in our lives. What we thought would bring us love has let us down, and we are tired of searching. Even the best of our earthly relationships with the strongest bonds of earthly love cannot quench the INSATIABLE THIRST of our souls for a DEEPER CONNECTION… so much so that we’re not even sure anymore that it really exists.”

“[God's love] is strong, and it is swift. It is a heavenly wonder, unmatched by anything earthly. And when you experience it in your heart, it makes it IMPOSSIBLE to settle for love of any other kind.”

“Our birth certificate has been stamped with a seal of authenticity as a child of God, and He is NEVER GIVING US BACK OR LETTING US GO.”

*********

“God has done things to show us His UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE of us like none other ever has or ever will. Rest assured that Someone who would go to the trouble of counting the number of hairs on your head loves you entirely and accepts you completely, with SHEER ABANDON.”
Lisa Whittle, from “Behind Those Eyes,” emphasis mine.

When I started this study, hosted by Lelia, never in my wildest imaginations did I dream that this book would so parallel the road of healing I have been on for the past year. God knew that learning to come out of hiding, learning to stop suppressing my emotions, learning to trust Him, learning that He loves and accepts me… all needed to be reinforced. It needed to go from my head to my heart.

God placed me with an incredible counselor who, through the EMDR therapy she uses, was able to help me start connecting the head knowledge I had about God, and the truth of who I am, to my heart. She has helped me work through things so that I am getting to the point where I KNOW and BELIEVE the truth that God has spoke to me through His word.

So many of the other women I have met through this study have talked about getting this knowledge from their heads to their hearts that God loves and accepts them completely and fully, with no reservations.

Through this book, God has been reinforcing all the things I have been learning in counseling. I can hardly describe the journey I have been on. The thing is, since I started posting for this bible study, I haven’t been writing much about how my counseling has been going. Because this book study has been forcing me to focus on things each time, they have carried over into my counseling, and Tricia has been able to help me process through them.

But I have to share this. Yesterday was a break through in counseling in a major way. I mean, we worked through a bad memory, but I got the chance to read my post to her, “A year ago,” and it made Tricia cry. I didn’t expect that, and she didn’t either. She thanked me for sharing it because she said that she doesn’t often get to see the end result of counseling… the end result in a client’s life, from the client’s perspective. It encouraged her when she needed it.

After reading that to her, we both came to the conclusion that my time of counseling with her is finished.

Did you hear that?
FINISHED!!!

I never thought in a million years that only one year after starting counseling, I would be finishing up.

She and I both agreed we may have to sweep up a few loose ends, but in reality, everything has been worked through. She has given me the tools I need to work through things on my own, as they come up. God has given me the ability to process through issues and hurts as they come up, so that I can deal with them and bring the light of truth into each situation.

I am learning how to apply the truth! I am learning that the things I know about God and myself, I can believe fully in my heart.

Out of all of this time, this past year, a passion has been growing inside of me. I didn’t know how to really put a name to it in any definitive way. I have a passion for writing, for singing and leading in worship, for speaking to others. But I didn’t know how to put it together.

I think I now know more of what it is. As I have learned more about God’s love and acceptance for me, He has opened my eyes to see that there are so many others that don’t know and really BELIEVE that God loves and accepts them. Oh, how I want to share what He has revealed to me through His word and His active work in my life!

I have such a desire to see other women find the healing that I have received.

God’s love is so incredible. Just reading the verses that Lisa had in her chapter this week… there were two that I particularly liked, and I will add another one here for you as well.

“The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me - a prayer to the God of my life.” Ps. 42:8

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love.” Zeph. 3:17

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” Ps. 90:14

God’s acceptance of us.

It isn’t just a toleration of us, but wholehearted acceptance. Without conditions. Without concerns about our past. Without looking for anything else from us, but to trust Him, and to draw near to Him.

He won’t reject us. He won’t harm us. He won’t use us (in the bad sense of the word). He won’t leave us lying bruised and brokenhearted on the floor. Not like the people and things we have pursued time and again looking for that love and acceptance we so need. He picks us up in His hands. He cradles us in His arms as He whispers His songs of love over us in the night time of our hearts.

Oh beautiful child of the only Living God…

• Do you know that He loves you?
• Do you know that He accepts you?
• Do you know that He gave his only beloved Son to die for you, so you can stand unashamed before Him?
• Do you know that along with His Son, He will give you, out of His lavish grace, all things?
• Do you know that it doesn’t matter to Him how hungry you have been and how you have looked in the world to satisfy that hunger and thirst inside?
• Do you know that the trouble and difficulties you have gone through, the hardship that you have faced don’t deter Him?
• Do you know that the swords that have cut you to ribbons in this life, the persecution you have faced from family, friends, strangers who didn’t understand you can’t ever slow Him down?
• Do you know that the nakedness, being stripped bare in front of everyone, or in the spotlight of your mind’s eye, doesn’t disgust Him?

Nothing.

Not any of these things can possibly separate you from God’s love.

He has shown us that love through Christ’s death on the cross. He has shown us that He understands all we have gone through and tried to do on our own. He has shown us He loves us. He has shown us that He accepts us because we are beautiful and precious in His sight.
He sees who He has created us to be. He has a vision for us that cannot be denied. He has a purpose for our lives that will not be thwarted. He will complete the good work He has started.

He won’t stop loving us, or reject us ever.
EVER!

“Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Ps. 34:5

Standing covered with His blood and righteousness, we may look up at Him with no fear in our heart, no shame in our soul. We are clean and without blemish before Him. And He loves us with an everlasting love. Nothing will change that.

We are secure.
In Christ.
Alone.

That’s more than enough for me.

What about you?

A year ago...

A year ago.

A year ago today.

A year ago today.
I was sitting in the hospital.

A year ago today.
I was in the middle of my stay on the mental health unit.

A year ago today.
I was at the tail end of the toughest day I’d had there yet.

I was discharged from the hospital on Friday, November 2, 2007. My husband and I had a short lunch, and then went to my first meeting with my counselor, Tricia.

After a few moments of small talk, Tricia just came out and asked me, “So, what brings you here?”

As I wasn’t sure how much she had read up on my file from the hospital (I didn’t know if she had any of that info yet), I told her that I was just released from the hospital, because the previous weekend I had been determined to kill myself.

She asked about my past, about my family, my growing up years, college, etc. and I pretty much told her everything about myself. At the end of the session she said that she was surprised that I was that open with her in my first session. I told her at the time, that I had just come from the hospital, where really I had no choice but to be honest about everything I was thinking and feeling. I was still in that mode and it was much easier to talk to her about everything at once and get the door open.

In that short time of our first session together, I felt safe with her, and felt like I could really talk to her and she was really listening.

At the end of our session, she prayed with me. Then we stood up, and she offered me a hug. At that point, I knew that I wasn’t going to have look any further than her for a counselor.
After having several appointments with only a few days in between, I started seeing her once a week for an hour. At times when things got intense, we moved to 90 minute sessions. Through many ups and downs, steps forward and steps back (including another hospitalization), I am now seeing her once every other week, for an hour, with hopes to move out more than that…. Soon.

Through all this time, God helped me open up to her, helped me open up to Him. He used Tricia to teach me how to cope and then, not just cope, but how to actually survive and live day to day. Then not just survive and live day to day, but how to flourish and grow, in hope, love and joy.

It wasn’t easy. It took a long time. It took a lot of trust in God, and a lot of trust in Tricia to stay the course and go where they led me. I have had many times this past year where I haven’t wanted to live. Where I have just wanted to quit, to give up, to stop fighting. But God never gave up on me. He gave me everything I needed to get through, when I needed it.

I have been tired. I have been hurt. I have been depressed. I have been anxious, overwhelmed by fear…. some of this all at the same time.

I have gone through so many different emotions, from anger, fear, betrayal, rejection, despair; to peace, love, happiness, joy, excitement, amazement, freedom.

I am a different person than I was last year. I am dreaming dreams, hoping hopes, catching a whiff of God’s vision for the future. I realized that I can stand on my own without ultimately depending on anyone but God.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t need other people. I depend on my husband and kids, but they don’t define me. I can have close friends without overwhelming them, without putting them on a pedestal, without “becoming” someone I’m not, so I can be “ok.”

I may have a dependent personality, but it doesn’t have to rule my life and relationships. I can transfer that dependency to God.

I may have a melancholic personality. All that means that things touch me deeply. When I get hurt, it hurts deeply. When I love, I love deeply. When I feel any emotion, I feel it so deeply it becomes part of me.

Tricia pointed out to me at one point that King David had a melancholic personality. He felt deeply, loved deeply, sinned deeply, repented deeply, lived life to the full. (Maybe that is why I am drawn to the Psalms so much…)

The depth of feelings that I have are not a bad thing. They are good. As long as I keep my focus on God, and allow Him to help me deal with them. For me, still battling to come out from under all the lies I have believed, I have to truly live the verse from 1 Peter 1:13.

“Therefore prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

I need to stay prepared. Stay alert. Keep my mind focused on God. Fill my heart with His truth. When I get tired, and discouraged (as I am tonight) I need to look back and see the amazing things He has done. I need to set my hope on the grace He will give to me, the grace He has given me.

I have had to look back over this past year, and just remember where I was at this time last year. To really remember what I was thinking and feeling, the shame, hopelessness and despair… not to dwell on it, but to remind myself of where I was, so I can see where I am now.
Right now the point isn’t to think about the details of the struggles during this past year. The ups and downs of the year isn’t the focus.

Right now, I am seeing a snapshot of that terrified, exhausted, despairing, hopeless girl, ready to kill herself to get out of her misery, sitting in the office of a counselor she’d never met - baring her soul, not knowing what else to do in 2007.

Right now I am seeing a snapshot of a young woman, wife and mother, who is going to be leading the worship team in church this weekend, feeling freedom, joy, hope, even in the midst of some struggles at the moment. I see a woman who has been given some dreams by God in 2008.

I don’t know what will become of those dreams. All I know is that I have to follow God and He will take care of the rest.

When I am tired. When I feel like I don’t want to struggle anymore, and just want to give into the lies again…

Well, this was the verse that came to me tonight as I was writing this… in my fatigue, and in the struggle right now I am having with some depression that wants to steal the joy, energy, and victory from me…

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30 (emphasis mine)

"Yes to God" Chapter 4... Ms. Happiness

Isn’t interesting. Every week I have started to write this post, read the week’s chapter, thinking that there is nothing in it that applies to me.

Hmmm…
Yeah, right.

God always proves me wrong. You think that after 4 weeks of this, I would get the point. Maybe I will eventually. Though, it really is kinda cool to watch how God blows my skepticism out of the water each week… and you know when He usually does it? When I start going through the bible study questions at the back of the book! (thank you Lisa for putting those in there!!!)

This week’s study has been a great joy for me. I mean it. JOY!!!

I can say that I have fallen into the categories of trying to make myself happy, looking for someone I love to make me happy, and to derive happiness from the things I have or do. None of it worked, though I could pretend at times that they did.

Pretend.

Lisa wrote: “Though often well concealed, depression is a very real problem in many seemingly happy homes across the country. No one is immune to this problem no matter how happy she may seem on the outside.”

Pretend.

That is what I have done for years. I have pretended I was perfect. I have pretended I was confident and assured walking into different situations. I have pretended I was happy. For years. Slowly the perfection and confidence masks started slipping off, even if it was only in the privacy of my small group, or close friends. But even with my friends, I kept up that mask of happiness.

I have struggled with depression for years. About 15-20 years of my life. I am only 35. That is a long time to struggle. That is a long time to keep up that mask.

It took a lot to get that mask to fall into pieces.

Even in a small group that I trusted and a very close friend of mine didn’t get me to drop the mask. Until a particularly bad day of trying to keep going when all I had nothing left. That night my best friend and I were talking on the phone. When there was a lull in the conversation, she asked me how I was doing. I told her fine. Things were going good. She paused for a minute, and then said again, “How are things really going?”

At which point I told her to hang on for a minute, I got up off the couch and locked myself in my bedroom, and completely broke down. I lost it and couldn’t keep the mask up, not with her. Gwen let me cry, and then held me accountable to getting help… at least talking to my small group leader who could do some non-professional counseling.

That was the beginning of the road to recovery for me. A lot of the journey you can see from my blog here. Before I started my blog there was about 2 years of slow progress full of many very low times.

Lisa asked the questions, “Stories such as this often leave me to wonder if… we act happy on the outside to please others, silently leaving us to hurt on the inside? Do we mask the way we truly feel with medications and facades, hoping that no one will dip deeper to find out what’s really going on with us?”

I can answer those questions with a resounding YES!!! I know that I did. I didn’t want my husband to see how much I was hurting, and have him know that he wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t want my friends to see what a mess I really was. I didn’t want people to know that I was depressed… because Christians were supposed to be “filled with joy if they were filled with the Spirit.” At least, that was my impression. There were Christians I knew who were struggling with depression, and I didn’t find any fault with them. I was able to give them grace and understanding, but I wasn’t able to extend the same to myself.

I didn’t mask what I was really feeling with medications until quite a bit later. But I did put up the facade, and at times when things were way too painful and I just wanted to forget them for a while, I would turn to a couple of stiff drinks to numb away the pain. Later that only added to my depression because I beat myself up for using alcohol as a numbing agent.

When I finally did get some medication and started trying different anti-depressants… well, that just made things worse, not only because they weren’t helping, but they gave me access to medication that would give me a way out.

In October 2007, I sank so low I didn’t any options but suicide. I was prepared to take all my medication at once, along with some alcohol, just to make sure that I never woke up. I even had the day planned, because I had to do it when no one would find me until it was too late.

It was only by God’s grace that I mentioned it to a friend. Within 48 hours I had been convinced to talk to my doctor who was prescribing my anti-depressants, and within 12 hours of that, I had been admitted to the hospital, on the mental health unit, basically under a suicide watch.

I was so ashamed to be there, that all I could think about was getting out, getting at my meds and doing what I had planned on in the first place. Eventually as I was put on the right medication, and as I was shown by the staff there that there was still hope, the shame didn’t leave, but the strength of the suicidal thoughts started to ease.

Looking back now, I can see so many positives resulting from my stay in the hospital. I finally was connected to a psychiatrist who actually could help me get on the right medications for me. I was connected with a very gifted Christian counselor, Tricia. This past year has been one of amazing recovery and healing for me. It hasn’t been easy. It has been incredibly healing.

The point of sharing this is to tell you I have found the source of joy. I had Him all along, I just didn’t see the joy that was supposed to be there. Even when friends encouraged me with scripture or anything else, I would discount it, I wouldn’t believe them.

Even in the last few weeks God has broken some tight suffocating chains. He has set me free in new ways. God has done some amazing things, and now I am confident that He will do more and more as I continue to follow Him.

The verses that really hit me, that really spoke to me where I am at right now in my life…
“You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.”
Psalm 30:11

“Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him, and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1Peter 1:8-9

I am finding moments in my life now to rejoice over. To dance because God has given me such a gift of joy. I love Him and believe in Him. He has changed me from the inside out. I am a different person than I was a year ago, than I was even 4 months ago.

I can’t describe the joy I feel this day!

That isn’t to say that there aren’t bad days, or that I don’t struggle with depression. I have bad days. I hurt in response to circumstances around me. I get depressed. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. But I still have a joy lingering deep down inside.

What has changed? I have been able to set my hope fully on God. I have been able to get my eyes off my self, and onto Him. Even when I am overwhelmed by negative thoughts, and the lies I have believed for so long, I have hidden His word in my heart. I keep craving His word, and have found it easier and easier to memorize it. When the negative thoughts come, when the enemy tries to convince me that I am worthless, nothing, useless, shameful, usually I am able to counteract that with scripture. Not to say that I do this all the time. There are days that I suffer defeat, but each day is a chance to start over, refocus, and even if I am depressed, to cling to the truth of who God is and who He says I am.

No matter how I feel, I know and believe that God is good. He is in control. He already has the victory, and I am in Him, so I have the victory too. Even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

I have found true one of the very last things Lisa says in this chapter.
“When we go to the real Source of joy, we find the answers we need to secure our contentment in life forever. This joy cannot be revoked, and it won’t be changed accoring to our circumstances.” [emphasis mine]

I hope and pray that you will find this true as well.

The first three verses of Psalm 30 contain an incredible promise. If you are not able to say these words now with any certainty, you will be able to in the future. It is a promise you can hold onto. I have. Even when I didn’t see it or believe it. And I can say that now I do see it, and I can say these words with a full heart.

I will leave you with the best parting gift I can. God’s word to you.

“I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O Lord you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
(NASB says in the last line: “You have kept me alive, that I would not go down into the pit.”)
Psalm 30:1-3

(Please join us for more posts about this book “Behind Those Eyes” by Lisa Whittle at Leila’s blog)