God's fingerprints...

It has been such a long weekend.  Our Annual Celebration at our church went really well.  People had a wonderful time at our "Mexican Fiesta" themed evening. 

We had a taco bar, a quiz about Mexico, mexican cheesecake, a pinata for the kids, and the "Year in Review" slide show DVD.  We had a lower turn out than expected, but it was a warm cozy atmosphere.

When I woke up yesterday, I knew I was in trouble though.  I had been feeling better the last couple of days, though still sick, but had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.  When I woke, I felt much worse.  But with all the things I had to do, I knew that I wasn't going to have time to go to the walk-in clinic until this afternoon, after church.

So, I dosed up on medicine and went through my day yesterday, and this morning.  When I got up this morning, I found myself very dizzy and it was difficult to get myself moving.  I ended up making it through church and our annual business meeting.  After the business meeting, I was able to talk briefly to my friend, Cindy.

After talking to me, Cindy nearly pushed me out the door of the church to go to the walk-in.  I was right.  I was running a low grade fever, and have a sinus infection.  So, I got my meds, picked up my son from the grandparents farm, and he and I watched a movie and rested on the couch together this afternoon and evening.

But, a God thing happened today, that I need to share.

Here I am, at the tail end of a busy weekend, and I can see all that God did this weekend to make it all happen... even giving me a bit of quiet time alone at the church yesterday in a lull between things.

Something big happened this morning though.  As I was getting ready for church, the name of someone I know popped into my head.  I have been praying for her for a while now, but with this whole weekend, though I had thought about her, there had been no specific prayers.  But this morning, I just started praying around 8am or so, maybe a bit earlier, for her.  I remember specifically asking God to keep her safe, and to help her know that He is with her, for some specific healing that she is needing, among other things.  I also remember saying to God that I really didn't know what else to pray for her, but that He did, He knew what she needed, so to just work in her life.

I got to church, we started the service, and opening with some worship.  After that we had announcements and then Pastor Kim got up to share with us some prayer requests and lead us in a prayer time.  When he got up there, he shared with us that someone at church had gotten a call from this woman I had prayed for.  She was in the ER, having flipped her truck three times, totaling it.

We immediately spent time praying for her.  I later was able to connect with one of this gals friends, who told me that the accident had probably happened right around the time I was praying.

Praise God she is all right.  A friend told me she has some cuts on her hands, and cut the back of her head, but because she had her seatbelt on, she didn't get thrown from the truck.  All the windows were shattered, and I guess she actually climbed out of one of the windows just as the EMT's got there.  She hit a patch of black ice as she was driving, and that was it.

I haven't seen her, probably won't be able to, but am so grateful to know that she is all right, and that she is with friends who are going to be checking on her throughout the night in case of a concussion.  She is the single mom of a young man.  I can't imagine how he's reacting right now, knowing what happened.  One of my friends said that there is not one straight piece of metal on that truck, that it is a miracle that she survived this accident.

God orchestrated when I would be praying.  He orchestrated that no other cars would be involved.  He made sure she was buckled in, and that the EMTs arrived when they did.  God also orchestrated our church body to help her.  One friend drove two others to her at the hospital, and then got someone to go find her truck and get her things out of it.  One of the gals at the hospital with her was able to go to her house and get her some necessary things for the night.  Another friend is taking her and her son in for the night so she isn't alone and her son doesn't have to take on a burden of caring for her.

God's hand was in all of it, and I am so grateful for the glimpse I got today of how He works, and how He works through us, His body, when we are all functioning as one, when we are listening actively to Him, ready and willing to do what He says.  I am thrilled by how He let me see His fingerprints all over it.

Busy week, in more ways than one

It's been a very busy week.  I am very tired and fighting a cold. 

Our church is hosting our district's Annual Meeting and Celebration.  That means that I am the point person for the church, pulling people in to help with decorations, hosting, ushering, food, media and sound, building set up, child care - among many other things.

I have been running my tail off this week because we have had meetings and I have been making many phone calls to get everything sorted out.

The meeting is next week Friday and Saturday, so if I am rather absent here in the next week, please forgive me.  I just have so much to do, and so much on my mind.

The theme for the Annual Meeting is "Getting back to Basics:  Prayer."  So I have someone who jumped onto my team, who is so fired up about praying for everyone coming.  She has organized our church to literally cover every single person in prayer.  There are people who grabbed someone's name, filled out a card to let them know they were praying for them and slipped it into an envelope with their name on it.  Those will be put into everyone's registration packets.  They then keep the person's name and pray for them throughout the next week or so, and just pray as God leads them to.

It has been amazing to feel the prayers of people.  Once this dear lady jumped in and started really organizing the prayer for the event, I have been feeling entirely different about how things are going.  God is so good that way.  She was an answer to an unspoken prayer of mine that someone would be there that I could call on to pray for me, whatever it was, and whenever.  She has. 

As we move into this next week, again things will be very busy, but there are things going on personally that will add to the stress unless I am able to let them go to hang onto God, or as I said in my last post, let Him hang onto me.

I went through counseling with Tricia this past week.  By the time I was done, I was feeling so sick to my stomach.  It took me nearly an hour before I trusted myself enough to drive home.  I just sat in the parking lot in my car.

God lifted me above those intense emotions and reactions to the things we were talking about this week as I have had other things I have needed to deal with.  I am so grateful He does that.  He has sustained me this week. 

Of course the last couple of days I have been staying with Him pretty intensely as I have been working on catching up on my Breaking Free Bible Study.  This study has been amazing.  We just finished Week 4, and I know there is much more to go, but God has been using it already in seeing patterns and areas where truly I am still in bondage.  After talking to Tricia, and then working through the bible study homework, God revealed to me some areas that I am going to have to really work on.  Not easy stuff, but worth it in the long run.

There are a couple of assignments that Tricia gave me that I have to do in the next 10 days or so.  I need to have them done by the Monday after the Annual Meeting.  I am going to be taking off the 25th and 26th from work to recover from the weekend, and I have my appointment with Tricia that Monday afternoon.  I am hoping that I don't have to do my "homework" from her that morning, but if I have to, I will. 

My heart hurts thinking about it though.  I don't want to have to do what she is asking me to, and what I feel God is asking me to.  It's difficult though I know it will bring further healing.  I don't know if I will ever get beyond the depression, or the struggle with it.  Knowing the why's or the answers to the questions doesn't help either, because I still have to deal with it.

I would like to do it ahead of time and get it out of the way.  But with the multitude of responsibilities I have for the Annual Meeting, I just am afraid these things will stir up way too many emotions.  I know that God can handle it, that He can cover it and give me the strength to do all things.  I just need prayer that I will know when to do what He wants me to do.

It makes it all harder to look at with any clarity when I am feeling sick.  I have to sing during the Annual Meeting at several different points for the worship team.  It's an added thing on top of the responsibilities I have, being available for the district executive administrator to help her with anything she needs.  I am glad to do it.  I feel that God has called me to sing and help lead worship.  With this cold, however, it will be difficult to sing if it doesn't clear up quickly!

As you can see I have a lot on my plate in the next week...  and it's not just the Annual Meeting.  My brain feels fried, and there are so many things I want to do, need to do, and should do that I am not quite sure where to start.

Thank you for listening to my babble! :)  I will be praying for all of you as God brings you to my heart and mind, but I may not be able to be around for a visit for a little bit.

If something comes up this week that I need to share, I will pop on here again, but again it all depends on how things go.

Advent of Trust #20; Listen the first time

Today we sat up at the very front of church. It's something that my son insists on. He wants to be near the very front, because his AWANA leader sits in the front, and he wants to sit right behind her.

So there we were in the second row, when my 3 3/4 yr. old daughter, Marina, decided to cop an attitude with me. I don't remember what it was about. I just know that during the sermon, she started pouting and loudly telling me "no" about something. Right in front of Pastor Kim.

Yeah.

That didn't go over so well with me.

I made sure she understood that if she didn't quite down we were out of there. She made more noise, and I moved her to the aisle, picked her up and made my way to the back of the church.

She started to put up a fight, kicking her legs (imagine me holding her facing away from me, sitting as if my arms were a seat... then her arching her back and kicking at the same time....)

Then she realized that everyone in the church could see her.
Everyone.

Because. we. were. in. the. front.

She stopped fighting me and I started hearing her stifling her cries.

By the time we were near the back row, she had clapped both hands over her mouth to keep her crying "inside."

As soon as we got out the doors of the sanctuary, she stopped stifling the cries, and let loose.... all the way back to the library.

There we had some privacy for some discipline. A short talk, then we walked back into the sanctuary. Marina was much better the rest of the service.

Aren't we like my daughter sometimes?

We know what we are supposed to do, we have freedom within certain limits. But we push our limits, and are reminded to stay within them or there will be consequences. Sometimes we listen. Other times, well, not so much.

When we don't listen, God has to take us, and discipline us. Sometimes we look for sympathy from others... sometimes we know and dread what's coming, and stifle our cries till we can't any longer.

But when we finally submit, surrender and seek forgiveness, how quickly the relationship is restored!

I wish I would learn to "listen the first time" as I tell my children. If I only listened the first time to my Father, I would be so much better off. I can't tell you how much grief I would have been spared, had I only listened the first time.

I am resolving to try to listen the first time to God. Even when I don't want to, or would rather drag my feet. As I have read, and tried to instill in my kids, "Slow obey is no obey." Resisting doing what God says, or telling Him that I will do it later is not obeying Him.

It's just like my daughter. She might have finally obeyed me this morning, without my having to take her out of the service. What would she have learned? It was OK to do what mommy wanted you to do, in your OWN timing, not mommy's.

Overall lesson learned? If someone wants you to do something, you can take your time at doing it... as long as it finally gets done, after lots of asking and pleading and threats.

That wouldn't apply very well to her relationship with God.

And it doesn't work very well in my relationship with God either.

Let's just say that if I had listened to God a month ago about something, I would have saved myself a month of stuffing, anxiety, fear, frustration and overall stress.

It boils back down to something I have been finding over and over again this month.
TRUST.
Trust in God.

If I fully trust Him, if He has proven Himself trustworthy (and He has) then I need to settle in for the ride and trust Him.

No matter what He tells me to do.

Just as it hurts my heart when my kids don't trust something I say, or trust me enough to do something I want them to that's out of their comfort zone, how much more does it hurt our Father's heart when I don't trust Him?

I don't want to do that any more.

Let's work together.

Let's "listen the first time."

God's warmth and light....

The night falls so swiftly now.

Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!

I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.

I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.

How God met me in that warmth!

He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.

As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.

I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!

My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.

Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.

Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.

I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.

I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.

He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.

Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.

And then again....
Maybe He won't.

All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.

It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.

A family within a family.

Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.

The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.

It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.

God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.

He brings light from the darkness.

Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.

I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.

He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.

gardening gloves...

I was so tired this past week from VBS I could hardly think about anything. It also was so hot here, I was hibernating inside as much as I could, in the air conditioning. When I did go outside, I was in the sun, and managed to give myself a really good sunburn. I finally started feeling less pain from it 4 days later!

I have barely been able to keep up with a few blogs, and with some writing I need to do on my speeches for She Speaks.

But this past Friday I was able to get together with my friend Cindy. We talked through the chapter of the book we are on, and then talked. A lot.

It was a wonderful time of sharing for both of us. We didn't have any time constraints or anything, so we were able to just relax and not feel rushed. I was able to share a song I was doing for special music at church... talk about our family's of origin... go out to lunch together and do a bit of shopping... and I was also able to share what I already have done with my talks. It helped to talk to her, because it gave me some good constructive feedback, and gave me an idea of what I have to work on.

Just being with her got my brain working and processing again. I mean, I could hardly string two thoughts together prior to Friday!

I was all worked up about church on Sunday, because our Wednesday night worship rehearsal didn't seem to go very well to me, and I felt like I really hadn't been together with the band very well, and I was the team leader. I also hadn't been practicing my music for special music very long, and didn't have that worked out well either.

Cindy reminded me that God is the one who fills me and will enable me to do all things.

Our VBS director came in on the third day of VBS and said that she had nothing left to give for the week. She was tired and done. She had been poking around in her garage before leaving the house, and found an old gardening glove and brought it in with her.

She said that she was that glove. The glove could do nothing on its own. It couldn't garden, it couldn't pull weeds, nothing. It wasn't until she put her hand inside, that it could do anything. She reminded us that we are all gloves. We can't do anything on our own. It's the Holy Spirit filling us that enables us to move or do anything.

When Cindy reminded me that Sunday was in God's hands, I told her about that glove analogy. It just fit right in with what we were talking about.

So, here is a question for you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?

Is there something that you are facing, that is coming up (like She Speaks, or any "one time" event) that you are feeling less than capable of? Is there something in your life, or the life of your family that is more than overwhelming?

God has given us His most precious gift in His Son, and in His Spirit, indwelling us. Whether you feel it or not, He is there. He is an untapped power source. The very power that raised Jesus from the dead is given to us.

Tap into that power. Tell God that you can't do this. That is all He is waiting for. For you, and me, to admit that we can't do it. Then He asks us to step aside and watch Him work.

When I was in VBS and said to Him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't possibly teach these children any music, God stepped in. His Spirit filled me to overflowing, and taught those kids the music, intervening with discipline as needed. I remember almost watching myself from a 3rd person perspective on Thursday and Friday, realizing that there was no way that was me doing that.

I realized this past week, as my brain finally started to function again, that God had totally blown apart a box I had put myself, and Him, in.

I said to myself that there was no way I could teach kids music, especially in a classroom setting. Even though I feel more freed up than ever about using my abilities in the area of music, I didn't even realize just how much of a strangle hold this lie had on me. I didn't even think it was a lie. It almost kept me from doing VBS at all... because up to this year, I didn't have to teach music in a classroom setting, I just had to teach the music in the openings and closings of VBS. This time I had a music rotation I was in charge of.

Now that VBS is done, and I saw what God did for me, and through me, something is radically different. That box, that LIE "I can't teach music to kids, and discipline and do the classroom thing," has been show false.... Well, and true in a way. By myself, no I can't teach music, etc. But through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, trusting in His strength, not just trying to make it on my own, I can.

I did.

When I realized that truth... that I am free to teach music, or do anything with music, I could hardly believe it.

I tried to share it with my small group this past week, and had a hard time putting it into words.

The best I have come up with yet is this.

The box is gone, and I am suddenly standing in this bright, open, sunny field. The sun is on my face, the wind in my hair, and I am waiting for God to show me which direction to start to walk. I know He has a specific ministry for me, beyond what I do now. I don't know what it is, or what it will look like. But I know that waiting in this place is good. I know He will continue to equip me for whatever it is. I know that He will continue to uproot the lies that are still buried deep.

Best of all, I know He is in me, with me, filling me with His Holy Spirit. It won't be me doing it, it will be Him.

So again, I ask you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?
Can you imagine yourself in that open field with me?
A world of possibilities before you?

Tell Him you can't do it. Verbalize it. Out loud. Then ask Him specifically to help you. He will. He will answer that prayer. He is answering it even now, though you may not know it or feel it.

poured out...

If this is what it feels like to be poured out, I think I like it and want to feel this way again, more often.

I emptied myself last week at VBS. It was hard work. Stretching work for me, to teach and really lead as much as I did. It was hard for me to move beyond my comfort zone, and really try to connect with the kids as I taught them.

My comfort zone in this area was imposed upon me by a belief in a set lies. Lies that were embedded early on in my life as a believer.... lies that I couldn't teach, that I had no right to be up in front of kids, and worst yet, that my musical skills weren't and never would be strong enough to do anything with in the realm of teaching.

But last week, I pushed those aside, begged God to fill me and be more than enough for me, and I taught. I helped the kids learn music that was based around the themes of the days teachings. I taught them some sign language and such to go along with the songs to help them remember them. I led them in the closing celebration for their parents and friends. Then Sunday morning, the kids who were at church who had been in VBS, came up front and we sang and signed our theme song for the week for the church.

God met me. God filled me. God enabled me.

Instead of holding back when I felt God calling, I stepped out of my normal comfort zone and pushed through and did what He asked me to do.

This Sunday, after church was done, we all headed to Sunday school. Peter in particular was pushing to go to the farm right after the service. Earlier he had wanted to go to Sunday school, but when he realized that he was going to have to wait longer to go to the farm, he got fed up with me and started to melt down because I was making him stay.

We sat in the back of the adult class until I saw his teacher come through, and then I moved with Peter and Marina, and took them into their classroom. Once they were in there, Peter settled in. When they came out, all Peter could talk about was how much fun he had. Marina enjoyed it too.

I was proud of myself for having pushed through on something else that was uncomfortable for me. Taking the kids to church on my own, taking them to Sunday school for the first time, rather than giving into their demands of leaving right away.

But talking about being poured out...

This whole past weekend I could hardly string two thoughts together. I couldn't relax at the coffee shop. I couldn't unwind at the farm. After some sleep Saturday night, I was able to relax some on Sunday, and think a bit more clearly. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap at the farm Sunday afternoon. Came home and slept a full night last night too.

But woke up just drained again today. Drained and crabby!!! Yuck. I hate it when I wake up that way.

And sick. I have a wicked sore throat, that won't seem to go away.

But this usually happens to me when I really stress myself and give all I have got. I found it always happened in collage at the semesters end. I would come home for Christmas break or summer break and immediately get sick. It never failed.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I remember someone saying that they wanted to be one of the ones who left all they had out on the field.

I think I left it all out on the field last week.

I am tired and done in and toasted... mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually too. I just haven't been able to focus on God much since then. I want to, and I attempt to pray, but a few words come out, (or get journaled) and then I drift off. I can't seem to keep my mind on task.

So, now that I think Marina is finally asleep... (she has been fighting sleep all week.. staying up later each night... even when she doesn't have a nap and has been running all day) ...I am going to try to spend even a few quiet minutes with God here at the end of my day, and go get some sleep too.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind comments. This has been a week to remember, and if I can remember it long enough I will journal about it so that I don't forget what I have learned. Of course, maybe that is what this post, and the last one are about...

A reminder of what it is like to pour myself out, to follow God, to push out the boundaries of my comfort zone, and to expand and grow and find new confidence in God to equip me for what He is calling me to.

That's what it is all about.

He called me, I answered.
He equipped me, I poured myself out.

He did the work through me, I just obeyed and did what He told me. We make a good team that way. Much better than when I try to tell Him what He is supposed to be doing.

(Hmm. I do that way too much!)

Pouring out.
Service.
Sacrifice.

That is what God is about. As our theme song for the VBS week said:

"This is the way of the Kingdom of God!"



P.S. If I get the time, I will put up a post with a few pictures from VBS, so you can see a few of the things that happened at our church this past week... I am too tired now to do it, so hopefully tomorrow it will happen as I try to survive the heat!

VBS, conviction, prayer...

I happen to have a few minutes right now, before I am due to sing with the kids. I thought I would grab them to come say hi.

This week with VBS has been really good. I have gotten over my nervousness for the most part, and have found the kids very responsive to the songs, to the actions I am doing with them (mostly doing sign language... easy ones, so the little kids can do it too...).

We have about 45 kids or so (our average) and it has been so neat to see them responding to the learning, and responding to the videos, the verses. I have noticed Peter and Marina just soaking this up.

Peter has started to make friends with a few kids his own age. Maybe this Sunday I will be able to take them both into their Sunday school room, because some of the kids in the Sunday school classes are the same ones who are in his VBS group. He hasn't wanted to before, so we will see what this Sunday holds.

And, it is walking out into new territory for me as well. I mean, normally when Dave works, his mom and dad take the kids on Saturday night so I don't have to worry about trying to get both kids out the door on time, or dealing with the distractions in church. When she offers, typically, I let her have the kids. This past week, I unexpectedly had to take them to church with me, because Dave had to work. It wasn't planned so Karen didn't know I was doing that. After church we did some errands and I think eventually ended out at the farm. But I handled the kids just fine on my own.

So this morning, Karen called and asked what I had planned for the weekend, and if I wanted her to take the kids at all. She left the night up to me. I think that I will ask her if she wants them Friday night, and we will spend the day out there Saturday. But, the kids are coming home with me Saturday night, and they are going to church with me the next morning, and they are going to go to Sunday school as well.

They need this connection with our church, with their peers. They need to know that going to church means more than just going to church on Sundays. They need to know its more than just "playing" at religion. I want them to make it their own.

Peter has started praying at night with us before bed. He is learning and growing and wanting to know more.

I have wondered and prayed about a job. So far, I might get 15 hours at the local McDonald's, but is that what God wants me to do? I don't know. All I do know is that I am trying to listen, but this week has been so hard.

Maybe I will get some time this weekend, after VBS is all done. Friday morning, to prep for the last day, or Saturday morning before I go out to the farm.

I want quiet. Away from kids. For some reason, I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed it, until this week with kids around me all the time. And I didn't realize just how much I do have a flexible schedule when not working with VBS or other things like that.

God is so good. I am feeling better this week. Maybe it is having something to do that I know makes a difference in people's lives.

I wonder if God could lead me to a job like that. Ok, I know He could.

God, would you lead me to something where I feel that I make a difference and can't just be "replaced" by another face. Show me clearly what Your will is. Show me how to make a difference in the life of my family, my friends, my church, my community. Give me the courage to step out in ways that are uncomfortable or unfamiliar to me. Grant me grace, and patience, and humility, and the willingness to do whatever it is you want me to do. Thank you for giving me the courage to do the right things for my kids, and thank you for convicting me of what I should do, what is right. Thank you for being more than enough for me in everything and anything I am going through and doing. Amen

VBS here I come!!!!

Well, here comes life this week... full force!

It could be very much a life overload this week!!

Our church is starting their Vacation Bible School this week. Yours truly is leading all the music. I am not only leading up front for opening and closing as in previous years, but also running the music center, that the kids will rotate through.

That in and of itself is different. Add to that, both of my kids are old enough to participate! My daughter Marina will be in the pre-school group, in the nursery classroom, so she won't be "out" rotating through, so won't really see me except for the opening and closing sessions. However, Peter will be rotating through the stations, including mine... as a matter of fact, the first station he will come to, after his bible time, in his class room is mine.

I am praying that he won't get to clingy or insecure. He expressed concern that he and Marina were not going to be in the same age groups during it... I think more for himself than for her. He is nervous to move out into new things, that are unfamiliar to him (hmmm, wonder where he gets that one from!!! )

I also am praying that God will let me just be able to teach the kids the songs, the actions/sign language to go with them, and remind them of the bible verses and theme of the day... and well, just relax enough to have fun.

I want to let the past be the past, and not work myself up, fearful that I can't teach the kids. Because though I can't teach them anything in my own strength, with God I can do all things. In His strength and power. Not by my own might.

So I am heading to bed... way later than I intended, and way exhausted. But I had to make sure I had everything prepared, because once I am up at the church early, with both kids, I won't be able to run back and forth if I forgot something!

If I don't get back here too soon to write, know that I am thinking of you all, and praying. I will be back as soon as I can.... if nothing else but to post my new scripture memory verse for the 15th!

Soothing reminders...

I love this verse that Beth Moore shared with us on her post today.

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."
Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation

I went to visit Cindy at church today, where she works. I got there over 20 minutes early, and as I knew she was giving up time out of her work day for me, I decided to spend the time sitting on the hill near our lower parking lot. That way I would give her time to get some things done before we started talking.

I sat on the sweet smelling grass. The sun was hot on my back. The sound of song birds was in the air. The wind was a gentle breeze blowing on my face, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

I was able to sit there and settle myself in God's presence. I felt like He spoke right to me, where I was at, right then and there.

As I rested there, I was reminded by Him that He is there with me. He created me to perfectly feel the sun and the breeze. He created that sun and breeze to warm and cool me. He created the gold finches flying overhead, singing sweetly to me.

He created that moment specifically for me.

For me to remember in times of doubt. Or in times of fear. Or in times of loneliness. Or in times where I feel disengaged. Or in times of extreme stress and worry.

His touch is soothing indeed, and it makes me happy. It made me happy right then and there.

Then as Cindy and I talked and spent some time tackling some more difficult questions, and processing through them, at one point, God reminded me of sitting outside.

He reminded me, yes I may feel very lonely at times. I may feel very stressed and wanting to disengage from everything. I may find that I am more of an introvert than I thought. I may find there are things about my personality, and habits that are re-occurring and difficult to overcome.

But He still makes the sun to warm my back, and the breeze to cool my face. He still does those things because He loves me. He wants to remind me that He is with me. He wants to remind me that He will never let me go.

He wants to remind me that His love is loyal. His love is unfailing. His love will always be there, no matter what my feelings are, or if I feel I deserve that love or not. (I never will, but He gives it anyway)

He picks me up, and dusts me off when I fall down. He supports me and keeps me from slipping. He sets my feet upon a firm place. He helps me get going in the right direction again.

But He does all of this with a gentle hand. Not harsh or hard or impatient. Not with an angry hand or countenance.

Gentleness.
Soothing.
Healing.

And when I think that I should be on the receiving end of harshness from Him... He surprises me again... (and why should I be surprised when He never changes in how He deals with me?)

His love overwhelms and in that overwhelming... oh how my worries are soothed away.

Then I am happy.
But deeper than that.
I am filled with joy.

1 Peter 3, submission and fear...

Note: There are exceptions to the blanket statement of “submitting to your husband.” I am in no way encouraging anyone to stay in an abusive situation, or to condemn someone who got out of a marriage or situation that was unhealthy. I am not wanting to condemn someone who has made mistakes in the past, or are coming out of any other circumstance that I can’t think of right now!

I am speaking directly to myself, in my own situation, and the way this past week’s sermon hit me. I pray that I have not left anyone feeling condemned, put down, or made to think that they have no choice if they are in a bad situation. My struggles are just that, my individual struggles. I am only speaking from my experiences and difficulties.

Please keep that in mind as you continue to read! Love you all…

*****************************

How do I describe the things that have been happening to me these past few days?
I am not sure if I can. But I will try.

I was very convicted by the sermon this Sunday at church. Our pastor has been working through 1 and 2 Peter. This week, he embarked, with great trepidation, on trying to speak to all of us out of 1 Peter 3… you know the part… wives submit to your husbands…

He said that he would have felt much more comfortable having his wife or another woman speak to the women in the church on this subject of submitting to their husbands. There were things that he didn’t address, which was good I think, because he didn’t want to stir up controversy, but he really wanted to encourage us. (He also spoke to the men with their part of those verses, but that is a completely different topic!!!)

Several of the things that jumped out at me was the reminder that our true beauty comes from a gentle and quiet spirit… from the internal things God is doing in our lives. He said that the passage about our beauty doesn’t come from fine clothes, jewelry, braided hair wasn’t so much about how we were to dress, but more about the reminder that those things are ok, as long as we know, and are convinced that our inward beauty is so much more important.

If we are ugly and contentious, bitter and nagging, criticizing and degrading, it shows through to our outward appearance, in the way we handle ourselves, our expressions, our attitudes, and the words that proceed from our mouths.

He also addressed the biggest thing that causes problems for us, when we are told to submit to our husbands.

Fear.

It is so hard to submit because in Genesis it talks about how the woman’s desire will be for her husband and he will rule over her (Gen. 3:16).

Truth be told here. How many of us are afraid to submit, because then we will be out of control? The situations we most fear are the ones we try to control the most. We try to control and manipulate our husbands into doing the things we think are right, rather than submitting to them and allowing them to take real leadership in our homes, and the subsequent responsibility and accountability to God that requires.

I know I have.
I know I still do.

I respect my husband. He has a hard job, yet he does it well, and with pride. He loves working as a nurse on the oncology unit at the hospital, even though it is very hard on him when they lose a patient. He connects well with the families and patients. And he typically comes home very tired and drained (he is an introvert which makes the job doubly hard on him, being with people all day).

That’s when the kids and I start in on him, all of us wanting his attention. No wonder he retreats to the computer to get away from “people” for a while… even if the computer is in the same room, he can tune us out.

And I know in those situations there have been times where I have been disrespectful, and not able to support him or give him what he needs.

Our pastor said that we need to understand, and truly empower, encourage and lift up our husbands. That they need us. He also told us that there was no way we can know how to do that unless we ASK them. Yup. Dialogue about it.

He said that we would be daughters of Sarah if we did what was right and didn’t give way to fear.

Fear.

It can really be our biggest trap. As I said before, we lose that control, in whatever area we think we need it, and we become extremely fearful, and start acting based on that fear. And then find ourselves not submitting, and out from under the will of God and the covering of our husbands.

As we went into our community groups (Sunday school) to discuss the sermon, I started having a panic attack. It was all I could do to sit there next to my friend and listen. I could barely participate.

I could already hear God starting to work on me…
…and I was terrified!

I know the biggest issue for me right now was trusting that God is going to provide for our needs. I mean, I need to feel secure and taken care of. I hate the feeling of flying by the seat of my pants in the area of finances. I feel I am totally alone in that area of our lives, and that there is nothing I can do about it.

God has gotten me to the point where I am able to trust Him in a lot of other areas of my life. So now it is time to work on this one. His provision for me.

I spent some time with God on Monday night, walking through some techniques that my counselor has taught me over the past year. I felt like God clearly… incredibly clearly… spoke to me through scripture.

Scripture dealing with fear.
Scripture dealing with my feelings of helplessness.
Scripture dealing with my feelings of hopelessness.

Scriptures to remind me that He has not given me a spirit of fear.
Scriptures to remind me that He is my strength every morning.
Scriptures to remind me that He is my salvation and hope.

I know that no matter what may come around the corner to surprise me, God knew it already. He took me through that processing the other night because He knew that another curve ball in the area of finances would hit me today, and He prepared me for it.

I am still struggling. But I know that He is in control. I am more at peace about it than I have been in a while.

I know it seems like submitting and my relationship to the finances has nothing to do with my relationship with my husband and submitting to him.

My insecurities in our financial situation, and my fear that God won’t provide, have made me very nagging, up tight. My fears have made me question everything that my husband has spent. I almost compulsively check our banking accounts on line. I have a fear of letting go of the control of the finances. It isn’t so much paying the bills. That Dave likes for me to do, because I enjoy numbers and he doesn’t as much. It is my attitude about it. The constant nagging and questioning and pushing him to do overtime. I am definitely not submitting to him here.

I am being pretty open and honest here because I would covet your prayers. I don’t even know what submitting to my husband in these areas will look like. But I have asked God to show me. I am trying to keep my eyes out for opportunities. It is a real struggle for me because I have a tendency towards controlling things so that I don’t get hurt. I feel like I can’t trust anyone else to take care of me, though I long for it, because they will let me down.

Now it may be true that people will let me down in the area of providing for me… and many others. But God doesn’t. He is my provider. I have to submit to my husband, work on living at peace with him, giving him a safe, peaceful place to come home to after work. I have to learn him better, and do things for him that empower and encourage him. And when he fails me, which will happen, I have to know and believe that God will take care of us both, and our whole family.

I can control me and my reactions, and my part of trusting God and my husband.
I can’t control anything else, situations or people.
I need to stop trying, and allow God to fill in the rest.

Submission. Not a word that has positive connotations in our culture. Not one that has a lot of positive associations in my own head. However, submitting to God hasn’t been as painful as I thought it would be. So learning to submit to my husband in everything, not just the areas I choose to, can only be rewarding, right?

Pray for me as I find myself learning new things, and as God continues to stretch and grow me.

Forgiveness and faithfulness...

Today at church our pastor was talking about “Biblical Community” and what that meant. He used the passage from 1 Corinthians 11, starting at verse 17. It talked about how the church in Corinth was so contentious and there was so much in fighting, they were not being the body of Christ. The church would gather in homes and eat meals together, but some were getting there early and eating almost all the food before others could get there, and so some were going without. And Paul told the church that they were not breaking the bread with the right heart. He said that if any of them were eating the bread and drinking the cup without recognizing the body of the Lord (without examining himself inside) eats and drinks judgment on himself.

Where this is going… our pastor said that communion is only one part of living in community. We are all part of the body of Christ, and the essence of it is, we need to treat each other that way. We need to care for those who need care, encourage those who are struggling, in general, love each other. It reminded me of a story my husband told me.

A former pastor of his had a communion service. Before he served communion, he told people that one of the big things about communion, is that taking it in an unworthy manner is against what God wants. He told them that they needed to be able to take it without any bitterness in their hearts. Bitterness stems from unforgiveness. He told his congregation that if they had anything against another member of the body of Christ, they needed to resolve it first. He made phones available for those who needed to make phone calls, rooms available for those who needed to talk, and after a bit, brought everyone back to take communion together.

Again there is a point… the pastor was talking about forgiving others before taking communion. These thoughts were running through my head today as we were preparing for communion. One of the things we had talked about at my counseling appointment was not only forgiving others, but forgiving myself, for the things in my past. My counselor told me that not being willing or able to forgive myself was a form of pride. Essentially it was saying that what Jesus did on the cross was not enough. That His suffering was not enough to cleanse me from my sins, and that I had to suffer more… it was hard to hear that it was pride. But yet again, God made connections for me today. I remembered my husband’s story, and what my counselor had said to me. And so after the bread was passed today, I had some time to pray before we took it. I made the conscious decision to forgive myself. God reminded me that His blood covered everything I had done in the past, everything that had been done to me, and that He had been there with me in those times, and was with me now. And I was able to let it go, let myself off the hook I had hung myself on. That doesn’t mean that it won’t all come up again, and that I won’t feel guilty, but then it won’t be a guilt of an unforgiven sin, but a “false guilt” that one of my friends referred to. I can remember this day and say, “Nope, I have already taken care of that.” It didn’t feel like a huge change, but I felt a little lighter as I left the sanctuary today, and I was able to share with my community group the change that had taken place before taking communion today.

God has been doing things in the last week, that have started to get me back on track with Him, and back on track with the healing process. I feel so much better than I did last week at this time. Pray that I will continue down the road that God has set me upon. There are still things that I need to sort through, but this has been the first time in weeks that I have been relatively calm, and not dealing with as much anxiety. I understand now why some people after they are under treatment for a while, when they start feeling better, think that they can stop their medications, their treatment plans. Because I have started to feel better and think more clearly, it makes me want to stop taking “the pills” and to just live my life without having to be tied to pill bottles. I know, I know… I won’t, but now I understand why some people do.

Anyway, thank you for your prayers, and Praise God for His faithfulness to me, and His forgiveness.