Standing Stones...

I have been participating in a Scripture Memory Challenge over that the Living Proof Ministries blog.  Two years ago, Beth Moore asked for some people to join her in committing to memorize two verses a month. 

On the 1st and 15th of every month we would comment on a specific blog post made for that purpose, and leave our name, city and state, and our bible verse, with the reference and version of the bible we took it from.  I was able to keep up pretty well with the accountability and did all right.

Last year, though Beth didn't do an official challenge, I did still try to keep up the 1st and 15th memorization, but it was hard and I kind of slacked off.  I don't think I would be able to tell you any of those verses anymore (not that I could right now of the ones I memorized in 2009, though I might remember a few).

This year, Beth issued the "challenge" again.  She set up ahead of time, as an incentive for us, a special celebration at her church in Houston, for this coming January, once we all have made it through the year, and all 24 verses. Our ticket in the door is our scripture memory spiral... along with having "signed in" on each post with our name, and memory verse each time, and the ability to say back to another siesta (sister - just one of the folks following along on her blog) 12 out of the 24 verses we have memorized.

Well, I am halfway through.  I went through yesterday and made myself go over and over the verse references, so I have them in the right order, and then I tried to remember all the first phrase of each verse.  Before I fell asleep last night, I went through all 12 and was able to remember the full verses.  I am so thrilled.  This is much better than the past two years.

Maybe it is because I have that incentive.  I already asked my hubby if it would be possible for me to go to the celebration in January, and he said it was fine with him.  I am hoping to meet up with my "siestas" that I have gotten to know from their posts, their blogs... but more important, I am looking forward to celebrating with God the fact that I was able to commit to memory precious bits of His Word that no one can ever steal from me.

This time around, as we are halfway through, Beth asked us to finish the sentence "memorizing God's Word has...."

I realized, as I looked back, that every single verse has made a huge impact on me because each and every one of them has been fitted to my exact need at that moment, or spoke to situations I found myself in for the next 15 days or so after I chose it.

I had to respond to Beth's question of what the memorization has done by saying each verse is a standing stone.  A standing stone attesting to the power of God, the amazing acts of God in my life, in the lives of those around me... Twelve standing stones so far.  I have no doubt that there will be a total of twenty four by the end of the year. 

It's not just a random gathering of verses.  Each time, I ask God to give me exactly what I need for that day and the ones to come.  Each time He has answered me. 

On Monday, I still hadn't chosen a verse for the 15th. I was nearly a week late.  I couldn't find anything to settle on.  It was quiet at church.  I was working, but I felt like I was in so much of a haze.  I just couldn't focus well on anything, and I was all out of sorts.  I think I was dealing with some depression.  I felt disconnected from God, from my emotions, and didn't like the out of touch feeling I was having. 

I finally got so frustrated at not being able to find a verse, and with the way I was feeling, that I said out loud, "God, I just need a Word!  I need a Word from you!" 

I felt silly for saying it out loud and was glad that no one was there to hear me, because it came out much louder than I had intended.

I have been "parked" in First Peter for a while (what I had thought was only a seven day stay turned into a month or more now), and had moved away from that book to find a verse, but found myself back there - and there it was.  My verse.  Literally moments after I cried out, God answered me with a verse.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light."  1 Peter 2:9

Here I was feeling disconnected from my emotions and God. Frustrated with some things I was working on.  Gloomy because of the dark, rainy weather.

BUT

I am chosen.

I am royalty.

I am holy.

I belong to God.

That who I am.

Why?  Whats the purpose of that?

So that I can declare His praises.  Praise God and glorify Him before everyone I meet.  Everyone in my life, that I encounter, who I work with, should be able to see God in me, and hear how He has worked and what He is doing.

Why am I to do that?  What prompts praising God?

He called me out of the darkness.  I remember the darkness well.  But now I am living in His glorious light (I suppose I always was, but didn't see it... now He has pulled the veil of lies away and I can SEE!!!!)

God gave me the verse that I needed to remember.  I had some things that happened on Tuesday that could have really dumped me down.  But I had that verse.  Normally I would have reacted much worse to something like that - and I did react, but it didn't get me down for as long, because I remembered my verse.

No matter what happens, I have an identity defined by God.  I have a purpose defined by God.  I have nothing to fear because I am firmly in His light.  Even if it's a cloudy, dark, cold dreary day!

See. That was an example of how this memory verse is a standing stone to me.  All of the others have their own story to tell.

How I have grown to love standing stones! 

She Speaks Interrupted... but He's speaking...

Ok, this has to be short, because I am so stinking tired...
(of course that could make this longer cause I will ramble... but I will try to restrain myself)

God has done some amazing things this week. He has used Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" in a powerful way in my life. Through it He has spoken to me that I really need to draw a line in the sand. Earlier this week was horrible. Then God used Wednesday as my draw a line in the sand day.

I chose to walk forward from that day, with the determination to honor God in all I do. Whether or not my life circumstances change (I am still a wife and mom of 2 small kids...) how I HANDLE them can be totally different. I only have gotten through the 3rd chapter, but it has already affected my life in a powerful way.

I have shared in the past months that I have felt that God has started to give me dreams back. I have been thrilled to see dreams coming back into my life. It has been amazing. I never thought I could dare to dream again.

Well, as much as I have said that, it's still very scary.

I have followed the Living Proof Ministries blog for quite a while. I saw that Beth Moore was going to be in Green Bay for a Living Proof Live event yesterday and today. I really wanted to go. But after She Speaks, I figured that it wouldn't happen.

I mean, 2 events in one month? I knew we couldn't afford it.

Wednesday morning I felt prompted to just express to God the desire of my heart.

I really and I mean REALLY wanted to go to see her. Live. In Green Bay.
So, I asked God that if He wanted me to be there, that He would make it happen, because I really wanted to go.

I never even asked my husband about it or told him. Until. Wednesday. Night.

Guess what he said?

Yup.

Go for it. If I could get a ticket, go.

I was blown away. As I lay in bed that night, nearly levitating in my excitement.... I prayed about it, praised God, and knew that I had to ask someone to go with me.

My dear friend Cindy was the first person I called in the morning. She knew Beth when she (Cindy) lived in Houston. Like, her kids grew up with Beth's kids... I knew Cindy would want to go. And as it was only one night away, I figured that she would be able to do it.

She just about died when I called her and asked if I could get her a free ticket, would she want to go. She said YES, and then just about cried, cause she had a meeting this morning at church. There was no way she could get out of it.

Talk about being bummed out!!!!

I called LPM and got (amazingly, after 24+ hours of the offer being up on their blog) one of the free tickets for Green Bay.

I called and got a hotel room.

I called another friend, and told her about it and as we talked, my brain finally kicked in and I asked her to come. She called and SHE got a free ticket too.

I packed and hardly slept Thursday night. Visited Cindy in the morning and shared some of the growth things that God was doing. Then Sandy met me and off we went.


I don't know if I can describe just how cool the weekend was. Those of you who were there in Green Bay, or there via the simulcast know how high energy the worship it, how anointed the message was, and just how God used all of those to work on your hearts and lives.

He did the very same with me.

Sandy and I were able to get there early enough that we were able to get on the main floor, very close to the stage, close enough to be able to see her without looking at the huge screens. Sandy had never heard Beth speak. Had never done one of her studies (neither have I, though we are doing Esther together this fall). And Sandy hadn't been to a big event like this in years and years.

Needless to say God spoke to me, using a dynamite woman, who had devoted her life to Him, to glorifying Him, and to speaking His truth to other women around the world.

The theme for the weekend....

"The heart of your desires"

She used Psalm 37.

Yes.... God giving us the desired of our hearts. After He told me to tell Him the desire of my heart to even get there.

The BIGGEST thing that He did this weekend...
the HUGE thing...

God revealed to me how much He had healed me, and imparted dreams to me... given me dreams to dare to dream. And how He had opened up my heart to start to have desires again. I had, for so long, hidden my desires, so that I wouldn't get them crushed, taken away, or have them denied.

God has opened my heart up so much this past year or two.
Just talking with Cindy on Friday before Sandy and I left helped show me even more the progress I have made.

But God also revealed to me that (and this is word for word what I wrote down right before the sessions started this morning)

I am afraid that the desires of my heart are not in God's will - that they are driven by the flesh.
I have been afraid to dream and have desires for things.

As Beth talked more, it crystallized even more.

I fear having dreams for something more, something bigger, beyond just today. I am afraid to commit myself, all of myself to them, because what if they fall through again? I mean, I had dreams before, and when they fell apart, I was crushed and so I shut down. As I have gotten closer to dreaming again, and desiring things, Godly things, I have gotten scared. I guess of being hurt.

So, I haven't committed myself fully to the dreams and desires that God has given me recently. I have held back some.

Beth got to a part of the talk this morning, right before a half hour break... which could be used as prayer or re-dedication, or whatever we needed.... to talk about our need to commit.

We are to delight in the Lord, and to make room for delight we have to commit.
-walk away from indecision
-am I in or am I out?
-we are to commit our way to the Lord

I went up and prayed with an encourager, and then went to a spot up near the very front, that they reserved as an alter area, where you could come and kneel and pray and do your business with God, without anyone bothering you if you wanted.

I fell to my knees.
Sobbing.
Knowing God was asking me to let go.
I was afraid to.

But I was more afraid of what would happen in me if I walked away from this event without letting go. Without doing my business with Him. Right there. Right then.

I finally was able to pray, out loud (though it was so noisy in there, especially as the worship team came back out, no one heard me) and surrender.

As I started to pray there, Travis Cottrell and the team started to sing the song "Mighty to Save." Yeah.
You know the part...
"Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save...."

When they were done with the verse and went to the above words from the chorus.... well, that's when I knew He could take all my fears. He could take all my dreams and desires and He would take them, mold them, and make them His, and enable me to do what He wanted me to do.

I will end this post with what I wrote in my journal as a record of my decision.

"I commit my fears of pursuing the dreams and desires You plant in my heart to You - You are not a God who gives fear, but power, love and a sound mind. I choose to follow You, Jesus. Wholeheartedly - waiting, learning, growing - daring to dream the dreams You give me."

I am not going to follow Him, and hold part of myself back from Him anymore.

God, help me to see the times when I am holding myself back from you. Times when fear has a stranglehold on me. Continue to free me and heal me. Continue to give me the desires of my heart, and what is under my desires... what my heart's desires are. I will delight in You, Lord, and commit my way to You. Thank You for showing me that You delight in me.... I love You, Lord. I give You my heart, have Your way in me. Amen

* One of my favorite quotes I think... Delight is "a venti joy with an extra shot!" *

VBS here I come!!!!

Well, here comes life this week... full force!

It could be very much a life overload this week!!

Our church is starting their Vacation Bible School this week. Yours truly is leading all the music. I am not only leading up front for opening and closing as in previous years, but also running the music center, that the kids will rotate through.

That in and of itself is different. Add to that, both of my kids are old enough to participate! My daughter Marina will be in the pre-school group, in the nursery classroom, so she won't be "out" rotating through, so won't really see me except for the opening and closing sessions. However, Peter will be rotating through the stations, including mine... as a matter of fact, the first station he will come to, after his bible time, in his class room is mine.

I am praying that he won't get to clingy or insecure. He expressed concern that he and Marina were not going to be in the same age groups during it... I think more for himself than for her. He is nervous to move out into new things, that are unfamiliar to him (hmmm, wonder where he gets that one from!!! )

I also am praying that God will let me just be able to teach the kids the songs, the actions/sign language to go with them, and remind them of the bible verses and theme of the day... and well, just relax enough to have fun.

I want to let the past be the past, and not work myself up, fearful that I can't teach the kids. Because though I can't teach them anything in my own strength, with God I can do all things. In His strength and power. Not by my own might.

So I am heading to bed... way later than I intended, and way exhausted. But I had to make sure I had everything prepared, because once I am up at the church early, with both kids, I won't be able to run back and forth if I forgot something!

If I don't get back here too soon to write, know that I am thinking of you all, and praying. I will be back as soon as I can.... if nothing else but to post my new scripture memory verse for the 15th!

Resolutions after all...

I have realized yet again, we have way too much stuff for this tiny space we live in. We have a 2 bedroom house, with 2 kids and 2 cats. What with our stuff too, and trying to get the kids to fit into one room together… yeah, it gets crowded and hard to find places to put things.

I am just trying to clean up or get rid of the “crud.”

Dave and I don’t have enough dresser/closet space for our clothes. So our things stack up on dresser tops and shelves.

The kids aren’t much better… but at least I keep relatively on top of their room, just because they have 2 beds in there, 2 dressers… and it pretty much takes up all the available space.

But by the time I am done keeping up (or catching up) in their room, I am too tired out to tackle our room! It usually ends up that the things that we don’t know what to do with either land on the kitchen table, or on my dresser. I can only see half my mirror. Not so good!

So, as usually happens, our house feels like it is ripping at the seams after Christmas and I don’t know how or what to do with all the stuff that needs a home! I get overwhelmed.

I am also trying cut down on the “crud” in my personal walk with God.

I feel like I got sloppy at the end of this year. Even though I did well with ending my counseling, I feel like I could really just slip back into my “normal” way of living and thinking. I feel like it would be easy to start to coast.

I know that God is doing something, and asking me to wait. I know that this isn’t “a sit and do nothing” wait, but waiting expectantly. Working towards whatever God is doing
Just like someone who is shot down in enemy territory. I have to be like that person… waiting for pick up, but actively moving towards the extraction point. I have to be working to avoid/fight the enemy, and get through the obstacles and deal with anything that comes my way, or gets in my way at getting closer to that point. In the meantime, the Person working to pull me out, and get me on to a greater mission is moving heaven and earth for me, and is prepared to pull me out when I am in position.

God is doing things that I can’t see. I may find there are things to go through I may not like. I may find many obstacles in my path. But God is working things out to strengthen me and prepare me for what He has in store. He has allowed so many things into my life in the past. I don’t understand it, I don’t like it. It hurt. It has made me angry.

But.

God has used those things to tenderize my heart.
As I have healed, my heart has become softer.

I used to hear stories of people who were hurt and suffered. I felt bad for them. I was sorry in a general sense. But as I healed; as God healed me; I knew deeper in my heart the pain that other women felt. I am able to feel the hurt that I endured (on a conscious level now), and that made me realize more deeply the hurt other women must be in. My heart wants more than saying “I’m sorry” but wants to do something.

As my friend says…
I don’t know what.
I don’t know how.
But I do know Who.

He will coordinate it all. He has control of it all.

He loves us all, and will do everything to heal us and draw us closer to Him and to advance His kingdom.

I want to be a part of it, in a way that I never have before.

So, I am working on trying to do a few more things this year that are going to prepare me.
One of them is I have joined in with Beth Moore through her blog to memorize scripture over this year. It sounds big, but she has made it doable. On the 1st and 15th of the month we are going to comment to a post she puts up, signing in with the scripture we are going to memorize/meditate on for the next 15 days. By the end of it we should have 24 scriptures memorized.

I am also committing to not turning on my computer in the morning until I have spent time with God. Even if it is stolen time in the bathroom, for a few minutes of prayer in the morning, I want to commit my day to Him first. My computer and blog can be very distracting.

I am going to try to take 2 hours each week for concentrated time with God. The problem with that is, if I am at home, I get too distracted. So I have to get away.

I am going to go to Beatitudes, the coffee shop in town.
My favorite hangout.

(I know, it doesn’t seem like a hard thing, but it really is, to really carve that time out.)
The problem is I can’t spend a lot of money there. I don’t have an excuse of going there to prepare for my counseling session. I either need Dave to take the kids for me for a couple of hours a week, or I need to be able to have Peter in school, and head there for a little bit with Marina if Dave isn’t home. I found when I was last there with her, she did a really good job of playing so I could read scripture and journal some. I couldn’t do as much as if I were alone, but it worked.

Memorizing scripture (with some accountability)
Starting the day with God, not my computer.
Getting away with God for a couple of solid hours a week (more if I can get them)
Continuing to do a bible study/book study/blog study.

Hopefully that will keep me in tune with God enough that I will be aware when more “closets” need cleaning out!

I guess I ended up with some New Year’s resolutions after all. I didn’t intend to make them at all, but I think these were ones that God gave to me and wants me to follow through on more completely this year. I started a few of them last year, but not always consistently. So, here I go!

Are there any things that you feel God is impressing on you to continue towards, or start, for this year?

(I don’t like new year’s resolutions, because you usually resolve not to stop them, and invariably you do… but when God presses something into your heart, you tend to take it more seriously than if it is something you thought up!!!)

I know that God has great plans.
I know He is in the job of transforming people.
I know because I have been on the receiving end of some of those things.

I pray that you will find yourself on the receiving end of His great plans, and transforming power this year.