Advent of Trust #5; trust and spiritual giftings...

This weekend would have been exhausting for many people.

Yet though I am tired right now, it isn't total exhaustion. I will sleep well, make no doubt! But I have learned that working out of your areas of gifting and love are energizing, not depleting.

I never really understood that before.
I never really knew what my giftings were before.

I used to ask God to show me what to do, what I should do with my life....

...and then tried things on my own, out of my own strength.

I should have waited more patiently, trusting Him.

I was so worried about my friend, Cindy, two weeks ago. I remember voicing to her that I just wanted to do something more than "just pray" for her.

She kept telling me that whatever happened it would be good. It would be worked for our good and God's glory, for her, for all of us.

I was afraid to trust that. To trust God for that.

Yet, He still gives us chance after chance to trust.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to put my desire to do more than "just pray" to work. I was hands on helping. It was so good to do something, anything physical to help.

But, as I was up with her in the wee hours of the morning, putting a cold wash cloth on her forehead, just rubbing her shoulder as she cried because of the pain of moving around and exhaustion....

......I prayed......

and it wasn't "just praying" anymore.
It was the true work I was doing.

All the physical help I gave was a good break for both her and her husband. But the prayer that I could give, and did give, during the night, silent and out loud was the real work.

In the middle of the night, when you choose helping someone over the preferred sleep... when you voice prayers and words of scripture and gestures of comfort when your flesh would normally desire to just leave....

That's when the real ministry happens.

I have experienced this some before, with my kids or when someone else I love is sick. But this was the first time where I was aware of the gifts that God has given me for mercy and compassion, and I was able to intentionally use them.

This time, I trusted Him to show me. I trusted him enough to wait on him (though it was kicking and screaming sometimes the last couple of weeks, as I waited... none too patiently) I look back on how I acted, and reacted to God, and the lack of trust and faith I showed....

I can only pray that I will remember how, yet again, God has come through and helped me, or helped someone I was praying for.

I can only thank God that He showed me that He gave me the gift of compassion, mercy, empathy and prayer. Now to trust Him to work through me in those areas, in HIS TIME, not my own.

I have seen what He can do when I am willing to follow His leading and how it turns out for good, not only for the person/people I am helping, but also for my own good. Now to trust Him enough to step out when He says to step out, and to wait when He says to wait.

Tomorrow is another step, another hurdle. Different than this one. But it is a chance to allow Him control and "do" it through me. I can't. But He can.

I will surrender myself to Him.
I will put all of my trust in Him.

There is no other way to walk through this life.
No other way that is bearable.

Have you found how to trust Him to work through you?
Especially work through your giftedness?
I would love to hear about it!

VBS here I come!!!!

Well, here comes life this week... full force!

It could be very much a life overload this week!!

Our church is starting their Vacation Bible School this week. Yours truly is leading all the music. I am not only leading up front for opening and closing as in previous years, but also running the music center, that the kids will rotate through.

That in and of itself is different. Add to that, both of my kids are old enough to participate! My daughter Marina will be in the pre-school group, in the nursery classroom, so she won't be "out" rotating through, so won't really see me except for the opening and closing sessions. However, Peter will be rotating through the stations, including mine... as a matter of fact, the first station he will come to, after his bible time, in his class room is mine.

I am praying that he won't get to clingy or insecure. He expressed concern that he and Marina were not going to be in the same age groups during it... I think more for himself than for her. He is nervous to move out into new things, that are unfamiliar to him (hmmm, wonder where he gets that one from!!! )

I also am praying that God will let me just be able to teach the kids the songs, the actions/sign language to go with them, and remind them of the bible verses and theme of the day... and well, just relax enough to have fun.

I want to let the past be the past, and not work myself up, fearful that I can't teach the kids. Because though I can't teach them anything in my own strength, with God I can do all things. In His strength and power. Not by my own might.

So I am heading to bed... way later than I intended, and way exhausted. But I had to make sure I had everything prepared, because once I am up at the church early, with both kids, I won't be able to run back and forth if I forgot something!

If I don't get back here too soon to write, know that I am thinking of you all, and praying. I will be back as soon as I can.... if nothing else but to post my new scripture memory verse for the 15th!

Themes... re-occurring.. again, and again...

Well, here we go again!

God seems to be pulling things together to get my attention.

I don’t know what for, but He has my attention.
He really got it today with back to back things.

Through this past week’s sermon He really caught my attention, making me aware of some of my fears that might hold me back from Him. He showed me that He is truly glorified and shown beautiful when we are in the midst of suffering, and we still choose to praise Him and say out loud and in our hearts, that HE IS ENOUGH. HE IS SUFFICIENT.

So that was the start of me working through some things this week.

All throughout this week, God has been giving me scriptures at just the right time. Just as I needed it, I would remember scripture, or read something that I needed to keep me focused on Jesus and not my fears.

Today I was given some more realizations in two devotionals that I did.

The first one was by Beth Moore. A devotional based on the life of John. She talked about how John was with Jesus in the best and worst situations. From a human point of view. Yet when human reasoning would be screaming to run away, John went into the inner courts to be near Jesus. He stood at the foot of the cross as Jesus died. He clung, even when it made no sense.

My prayer when I was done with that devotional, was that I want to be able to live a life of someone who clings to God even when it doesn’t make sense in the world’s eyes. I want to cling to Jesus. In the best of times, and in the times when all my humanness screams to run away, and stop trusting, because it will never work out.

Clinging to Him.

Then I got the Proverbs 31 devotional for today. The author basically talked about what her 2 biggest fears were. And how she prayed they would never happen. Then she found herself living in the very middle of them.

She said,
“Not only is He near us, He is working things out, growing our faith and our character as we wrestle with our fears and learn to accept His will. While we can’t understand why He allows our fears to materialize, we later realize that we have come to know Him in a whole new way through them. He is our reward for persevering.”

Talk about hitting the nail on the head! Talk about pounding the point home!

OK, God, I get it.

Well, so I don’t really get it yet, but He has my attention for sure.

I don’t know whether He is reminding me of these things now because I have come through so much. He is reminding me that I landed in most of my worst fears, and yet He was there through it all. Maybe He is trying to get me to focus on not the pain from the past, but how He brought me out of it. How I have grown through and because of it.

Maybe He is reminding me of these things because of the struggles I am in now. He wants to remind me to continue to focus on Him despite the enemy’s attacks and lies and fears that are assailing me. Maybe He is bringing these things up to help me persevere through the present trials.

Then He could me trying to teach me things to give me a hand hold for the future. He may be working on teaching me things so that I will be better equipped to deal with the fears and trials down the road.

It probably is a combination of all three.

After today, that pattern is unmistakable. Whatever the reason, if I ever know or not, I don’t suppose it really matters. It doesn’t really matter. Because God is more interested in growing me, and growing you, than giving us the answers our human understanding wants to know.

He wants us to, in all circumstances, praise Him.
He wants us to, in all circumstances, glorify Him.
He wants us to, in all circumstances, honor Him.
He wants us to, in all circumstances, love Him.
He wants us to, in all circumstances…

Cling to HIM.
NOTHING else.
NO ONE else.
Just HIM.
Because.
HE IS ENOUGH.

Here is a short video that our pastor shared at the beginning of last week’s sermon. I pray that it touches you as much as it did me.



Did you catch that?

“God is most glorified in you, when you are the most satisfied in Him, in the midst of loss, not prosperity.”

That’s what I want. In the midst of loss, in the midst of suffering. I want God to be glorified, because I am satisfied in HIM not in anything else… only HIM.

Jesus is planting that desire in my heart. I am fearful that He will have me live it out. But at the same time, if He does, He is still enough. I want to glorify Him with my life. I want to show others around me that no matter what, God is enough.

I want to share my story of what I have come through with others, not to magnify me… but to magnify and glorify and honor God. Because HE brought me out of the darkness and into His wonderful light.

I tell you, there is nothing better than seeing the light of day, than feeling the fresh air on my face, than rejoicing in freedom… except for knowing that it was God who got me there.
No one else. Not my doctors, not my family or friends, not my counselor, not my own strength and perseverance.

God used all those things as tools.
But God was the one who got me there.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Praise Him all creatures here below!
Praise Him above ye heavenly host!
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost!
AMEN!!!

Turmoil and encouragement... What's in a name #5

It’s been rather silent on my blog.

I have made some comments on others blogs. But here, I have been quiet.

I guess it is because, not that I don’t have things to say, I just don’t know how to say them.
My sleeping has been off. Very off.

I was up and down last night until almost 4am. The past few nights it hasn’t been any earlier than about 1:30am. It makes for a long week.

I also feel like I am fighting a cold. A cold aggravated by allergies. Not sleeping is NOT helping. I have been trying to keep from drugging myself up on medication to get to sleep. Because, I don’t know what is worse. Getting to sleep and then waking up midway through the night and not being able to settle down again, or never getting to sleep in the first place. I can’t decide.

But deeper than all that, my heart is in turmoil.

Sometimes it is a good turmoil because I know that God is authoring it. He is working through it and causing me to stretch and grow.

Sometimes it is a bad turmoil because I know the enemy is using pain from my past to work me up and work me over. He is using it to try to hold me captive to pain, fear, hurt, depression.
You see, I am coming to the point now in my counseling where I feel like we have really hit some of the biggest issues in my past and present that have been holding be back from being who God wants me to be. It is good. It is wonderful! I am slowly learning to counteract the lies with Truth, almost every time they come up. I am learning to recognize when I am acting out of the lies rather than the Truth. It has made a huge difference in my life.

I am also at the point with Tricia, in our counseling, where we are working through a couple of lies that are really holding me captive.

I am dirty.
I am damaged goods.

The truth is that in Him I have been made complete. (Colossians 2:9-10)

I am facing issues of abuse that happened between the end of high school and through college that really ground those lies into the fiber of my being.

These are lies that were put in place through an abusive trauma when I was very young. Then after high school, each subsequent event built upon those lies. “Proved” them true in my mind and heart, I guess.

Now, Tricia is trying to help me get to the point of believing that I am complete in Christ, even though those things happened to me. I have to be able to not only acknowledge it in my head, intellectually, but I need to believe it in my heart. I have to know and believe it is the truth.

It is extremely hard for me, when I feel in some of the situations, I asked for what I got. Not only am I feeling pain from the abuse, but I am also feeling guilty from “my part” in it. Whether I really had a part in “making” it happen is open to interpretation.

The thing we worked through 2 weeks ago, an attempted date rape, was something that I never really dealt with before this. Not on any deep level. I never cried, I never showed my anger, never showed any emotion at all, and didn’t tell ANYONE until a few years ago.

As I have gone through these two weeks between sessions, I have let the emotions out some. They have come unbidden once, the day after my last counseling session. Every time I have let them out, I find that the images of what happened are so vivid, that I am almost re-living what happened. So I ran from the situation as well as facing it some these weeks.

Some of the memory is easier now. I mean, I know it happened, but when I think of it, it isn’t in the same, with all the emotional power still behind it. So I know that our therapy is working. However, I still can’t shake the intensity of specific moments in the encounter.
So that shows me that I am going to need to work through that a bit more with Tricia on Monday. I guess that is where the enemy is really working me over. The thought of having to face down more of those details is causing my heart to roll in turmoil… and by association, my stomach as well. Sigh.

I guess why I am sharing so much of this here is two fold.

One, I am asking for prayer, from anyone who will read this.

I need prayer to get through tomorrow and actually go to counseling. (My appointment is at 1pm CST) I need prayer to face my intense fears, feelings, and memories. The more prayer cover I have, the better off I will be. I know that God has carried me through some other tough sessions on the wings of the prayer support I had. There have been a couple of times where I seriously felt lifted, held, supported, and had such peace knowing that people were praying… even when I was scared out of my mind of the things I was facing. And God answered the prayers of my friends, by working in amazing ways.

Two, I guess I am sharing with this much transparency, because I know there are others out there who have experienced similar things. Similar hurts and traumas. That others have believed the lies that they are dirty, damaged good, unusable by God.

I am writing this to tell you what I KNOW to be truth, what I am struggling to believe. I am not there. I am still on the journey. But I am working at it… even through the turmoil in my heart.

God loves us. God cherishes us. We are His beloved. No matter how dirty we feel, or guilty we feel, Jesus has washed us with His own scarred hands. He has draped us with a robe of white to cover our nakedness and guilt. He has gently looked into our eyes and, if we dare to look back, we will see nothing but love and acceptance.

In our dear Savior, “all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him [we] have been made complete, and He is head over all rule and authority.” (Col. 2:9-10, emphasis mine)
God fully lives in Jesus. Jesus is in the Father and the Father is in Him, and we are in Jesus and He is in us. We have been made complete, whole, undamaged and clean in Christ… and Christ is the head… the King over all rule and authority… He was raised far above all powers and principalities, the rulers of this dark world.

But the ruler of this world does not want us to know that.

He doesn’t want us to live in that truth, and so he uses any and all painful things in our lives to hold us captive. He knows that if we live in the truth, we will will proclaim our freedom to all those who will hear… just because of the overwhelming joy and thankfulness coming from our Savior rescuing us as He said He would. The enemy doesn’t want you, doesn’t want me, to find that freedom. He doesn’t want us to use our voices to help others.
He wants to keep us silent out of shame and fear.

That is why I am being transparent here.

I want you to know. I have walked in paths of pain and shame. Things I have done, and have had done to me wrap me in chains of lies that are so thick and tangled, I don’t know where to begin. But God does. He has untangled me from so many already. I can see the light. I am starting to be able to breathe again. I can feel the fresh air on my face and feel the warmth of the Son. There are still some very thick chains tangled around my legs. But I know that Jesus will break those chains too.

I want you to know you are not alone. There are others who know your pain. You don’t have to hide anymore. Come out into the light. Learn the names that God gives you. They are so much more powerful than the ones the enemy and world give you. Listen to God’s names for you, and one by one, you will feel the chains start to drop. Don’t give up until they are gone!
I encourage you with my whole heart… even through the pain I am facing this week… I know the pain of facing the lies is so worth the healing on the other side. The fear I feel is out weighed by my determination to get through this, to cooperate with Jesus in my healing. I refuse to let these chains suffocate me anymore.

Get angry, and let that righteous anger strengthen your resolve. Get mad at the enemy of your soul. Seek Jesus with all your heart and He will be found by you. Cooperate with Him in your healing. Do whatever it takes. Face whatever you have to. Join me in seeking freedom. It is a life long process, but it is so worth it.

I have seen the hope.
I have further to go.
But I have seen Hope and, oh He is so beautiful!

What IS your name? What's in a name #1

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.” Isaiah 43:1

What are the names that God has called me? What are the names that God has called you?

So many times, we answer the question of “What’s your name?” by our name given to us by our parents. “My name is Heather,” “My name is _______.”

Internally, our answer can be much different. If we really listen to the voice in our head that comes out late at night, we hear other names that we have heard time and time again.

Those names have been given to us by parents, teachers, friends, classmates, and co-workers, among others.

Those names have been given to us by the circumstances we have found ourselves in, whether through neglect, abuse, lack of love or attention, times where people have sinned against us, or we have done things through our own free choices.

Those situations create and emphasize any thoughts about ourselves that have been negative in any way. What we perceive as our own voice in our head, continually takes anything we go, and accuses us of being those names that we have been given in the past.

So, what’s in a name?

Do you hear names of loved, secure, faithful, blessed, redeemed, chosen, wanted, valuable, precious, beloved, healed, whole, forgiven, released, free, significant, talented?

Or do you hear the names of worthless, unforgivable, careless, irresponsible, stupid, dork, nerd, freak of nature, clumsy, inept, never going to amount to anything, sick, twisted, damaged goods?

I can tell you I have heard my share of all the negative names. Most of the ones I listed above. They have come from sexual and emotional abuse, from attitudes of family members, peers in school, teachers, even co-workers and my friends. Some of it was unintentional for sure. Other names were given with every intention of hurting me and pushing me down, squashing me.

In recent years, as I have started growing and learning about a deeper heart journey that God is calling me to, Jesus has shown me the lies I have believed about myself. Lies planted there through specific incidents in my life, lies embedded by well meaning family, friends and teachers. Each time I encountered an experience where I was uncertain, where I felt a little bit insecure, every mistake I made was pounced on by the one who wants to keep me from being whole and complete in Christ. If the enemy of our souls can keep us from being who God created us to be, he can win a battle in the war against God that is raging in the heavenlies.

For that is what is going on all around us. A battle first, to keep us from coming to know Christ in an intimate and personal way, and then if we do end up becoming God’s, to keep us ineffective, bullied and pressed to the ground by all the weight of our baggage from our lives. We can’t see this battle with our physical eyes, but we sure can feel it in our hearts and minds.

How many times have you woken in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep. You feel like you have had a bad dream, but it continues once you are sure you are wide awake. In your head you hear the whispers accusing you for the mistakes you made that day. Yelling at the kids, losing patience with your family, giving a cold shoulder to your spouse.

“Why, this makes you a horrible person! Why can’t you pull yourself together and be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect friend? Look at all the people you have promised to pray for. You haven’t prayed for one of them have you? Look how you promised to spend time with God every morning, and yet you are neglecting him, and getting distracted by all the things going on around you. You wake up and have to start running with the kids right away. You should have gone to bed earlier so that you could get up before your family, and spend time with God, but you didn’t. You didn’t even bother to look at your bible today…”

And on and on the list of accusations go.

Sometimes the accusations escalate if you can’t get back to sleep. They go from whispering in your ear, to yelling in your head. Bringing up scenes from your past, you find yourself lamenting your choices, grieving yet again over the things you couldn’t prevent from happening. You wonder if you could have done something different. You wonder if you really did deserve all the things that were pushed on you, when you were too young to do anything about them.

Then you finally manage to fall back asleep, by whatever means you can. You take some medication, make yourself a drink, read till you collapse, stare at the TV till your eyes are blurry, or escape into a fantasy life where things are perfect and you can pretend at least for a while that you are loved and significant to at least one person in your life.

I know that I have done all of these things. I know that in the middle of the night, even now as I write this, I wonder if I really am doing the right thing. Am I really supposed to be writing at all? Who would want to listen to my story, hear what I might have to say? So many others have written about similar things, what new ideas could I possible add to the mix?

But I look at a list of names that God has called me. I found it on the Internet on a blog site (HERE) I frequent. I printed it out and posted it above my desk. And there, staring me in the face was the verse from Isaiah, chapter 43.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.”
I think this has become a life verse for me. It is something that I desperately need to remember. No matter what the circumstances that come my way, no matter the barbs people throw at me, no matter how discouraged or low I feel… I am His! He is mine! He knows my name, he has called me by my name, and he has redeemed my life from the pit.

——-

I think that this may end up becoming a bit of a series, much like my friend Amy has a series called Hope Chronicles on her blog.

I have started to realize how important names are. How many names do I call myself during the day. Just by marriage and occupation alone I am called wife and mother, also, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, friend, etc. But as I said above, there is so much more going on. I only hope that as I explore some of the things that God has been teaching me, He will use my words to help show you the names He has called you, to replace the ones given to you by others.

Conversations with a 4 year old...

Today was one of those days.

One of those days where I was feeling sick when I got up. (Though whether it is allergies or a cold, I just don’t know.) The kids were good this morning. I took them out for a walk/bike ride after lunch. It took all that was in me to get them out there. Just the effort of getting myself ready (and out of my pj’s) was almost more than I could do. But we took our walk and spent some time at the park. Then we all came home and took naps.

One of the very fun things about nap time that I really enjoy. We either pile on the bed, or the couch depending on their mood, and read books. I get snuggled and hugged from both sides, and get to read books to the kids. It is so much fun to have that time with them, and they love reading.

After I settle down Marina in their room, I meet Peter on my bed. Today we snuggled a bit together, and then I’m not sure who fell asleep first. I think it might have been me, in mid-prayer.

Tonight, when supper was done, Peter, Marina and I headed down to see Daddy as he worked on projects in the garage. After much playing with chalk and drawing on themselves, the driveway, the car, the new bike, and the opportunity for me to fold 2 loads of clothes (miracle in an of itself!!!) We got them inside for their bath time.

Then came the snuggle where we watched a little TV, then Peter wanted to watch Animal Cops, on Animal Planet, after Rina was in bed. For some reason, he really likes to see the animals as they are brought in to be taken care of and helped by the vets. He has a tender heart towards animals, even all the ones that his Grandpa catches at the farm and then eventually releases back to the wild.

Then Peter and I snuggled on my bed again to read, pray, and cuddle before he went to his own bed in their room. In the dark, as we lay there, he started asking me questions about God.

You know how 4 year olds can be.

The questions can get quite interesting, and sometimes really hard to answer.
Things like:

How big is God?

Does He come in and out of my tummy (heart) to make the stars?

If He is so big that He can be everywhere, why can’t I see Him?

God came out of Barbara’s tummy. When I questioned him about that one, he said that Barbara died (a great aunt) and so God came out of her tummy.

At one point in the conversation, especially when he was trying to understand how big God was, and how He could know all our thoughts, all at the same time, I remembered Psalm 139.

I still have it memorized, so I told it to him as a story, simplifying the words so he would have a better chance of understanding… that God knows him and me, when we get up and lie down, when we go out to do something, and when we come in. God knows our thoughts and words before we even say them. If we try to run away from God we can’t. If we go up to heaven He is there. If we go to the very bottom of the earth, He is there… we can try to make a new home on the other side of the world, but still God is there. He made us in our mother’s tummy, so he knows all about us, even before we were born.

Peter lay with his head on my shoulder for a long time, just absorbing that.
I said to him, “that is pretty hard to understand, isn’t it?” He nodded. I told him that I don’t understand it all either. But I also told him that any time he had questions, he could ask me and I would try to give him the answers, and if I didn’t know them, I would find the answers and tell him.

I love that time of night when Peter settles down and wants to cuddle in the dark close to me, and when he feels free to open up and talk about the things that he has been thinking about.

They are such precious moments. I know these times with my children won’t last long. Helpful words from my counselor and another friend reminded me that my kids need me to be so involved in their lives. God has placed two people right in my own home that need outreach. They are my mission field. They are our mission field, for my husband and I.

It is such an awesome responsibility.

It is more than I could possibly handle without God helping me and giving me the answers, the guidance, the patience, the love required to guide these little people closer to Him. I can’t do this without giving up some of the things that I want to do, the selfishness that I am so prone to, and I don’t do this naturally. Only God can help me overcome that selfishness. Only Jesus can model to me what it means to be self-less, care for those around him, teach those closest to Him, have compassion for everyone He came into contact with. Yet, He still knew when He needed to take time to be on His own with His father, rest and refresh Himself for more ministry.

I have seen where I have taken too much advantage of Dave’s parents in having them take care of the kids so I can do what I want, without them around “bothering” me. That is the selfishness. The other extreme is taking care of them, to the exclusion of my husband, and the exclusion of the health of my marriage, and the exclusion of my own spiritual health.

So, I am trying (not always successfully) to spend a bit of time in the morning with a devotional journal. Then get on the computer, only when the kids are involved in playing with each other, or better yet, when they are asleep. Once everyone is in bed, like now, and the house is quiet, I can blog and journal on my own, without interruption, and spend some of that time I need for myself.

It’s a re-commitment to what I know I need to do, and have started and stopped over and over the past month or so. The devotional in the morning is easy, but the keeping away from the computer is much harder. I suppose that means, I should set myself some “screen time” limits, so that I spend more of my time with my family, rather than addicted to this computer, huh?

Time to start applying those things that I have been learning lately. As Lelia mentioned in a previous comment, time to chew over and meditate on each thing that I have learned so it becomes part of me, part of my life.

Again, one step at a time.

Step by Step.

Sifted like wheat...

I have been reading among other things, a book by Beth Moore, entitled “When Godly People Do UnGodly Things.” I have been slowly working my way through it a chapter at a time. The other day I hit the chapter talking about God’s permissive will.

She started talking about both Job and Peter. In both cases Satan had to ask permission from God to wage war on someone with whole-hearted, sincere and pure devotion to God. Why would God allow Satan some license in our lives? Why would He want us to suffer under attack from the enemy?

Beth says, “Who’s to say when things really get tough that we, and countless other believers, have not momentarily been chosen to prove faithful to God?” (pg 85)

Through facing the giants in my life, through all of us facing the trials and struggles and the oppressions, God will show us and the enemy, He will prove that we really are for God.
After Peter claimed that Jesus was the Messiah, he then turned and rebuked Jesus for saying He was going to die on the cross. Jesus said at that point that Satan had asked for permission to sift Peter like wheat. But Jesus said that He prayed for Peter, that his faith wouldn’t fail.

“Satan had to attain permission to move outside his usual perimeters and launch a full-scale attack on one of God’s children… First, we see that Satan can and does seek permission to launch excessive attacks on the children of God. Second, we see that God can and sometimes does grand Satan such permission.” (pg. 89)

Beth proposed that God tested both Peter and Job were tested by God through Satan. He uses our enemy to test us. God wants to refine us like gold. Gold can only be refined in fire. That means being burned. Burning is painful, not pleasant. We all undergo some form of refining. Hopefully not all of us by being directly assaulted by the enemy to the extent that Job was. But Beth put forward the point, what if we are subject to being tested like Peter… sifting.

“Only one reason exists why God would give Satan permission to sift a dearly loved, devoted disciple of Jesus Christ: because something needs sifting.” (pg. 90)

If you are feeling attacked, pushed to the end of your rope, look inside as I have been. Are there things there (as I have found for myself) that need sifting out? Is Jesus allowing a time of struggle and sifting in your life to sanctify you to fulfill your calling… your calling from Him?

I know God is sifting me. In the past few days I have been pushed to see some of the things going on in me since the hospital. I feel that during the preceding 4-5 days, the enemy stepped up his attack against me, clouded my mind, and got me to the point of not only seeing darkness, but feeling it like this heavy weight, to the point I could hardly see straight or breathe.

It landed me in the hospital.

And starting in the hospital is where the attack lessened, and I could start to see things again. God brought me to a point where I couldn’t pray on my own. The Spirit had to pray for me, I didn’t have the words or will. And His Spirit knew what I needed, and prayed for what I needed.

Since then God has brought to mind a few specific things through one counseling session, through some books, through the bible, and through some deep times of prayer and reflection. I can see that through this experience, these few things wouldn’t have come to the surface very easily, or with such clarity and visibility to me. It would have been a much harder struggle to see them, and to give them up to Him.

Now I am going to start working on eliminating what was sifted.

As Beth said in her book,
“In His severe and loving mercy, in ways I’ll never fully understand, God used the darkness to chase out my darkness, then filled the emptied vessel with light. No matter how many years, I still have the conscious thought almost every day, so this is how it feels to be free. What Satan meant for evil, my faithful God meant for good.
Beloved, are you being sifted? Has God permitted the enemy to launch a full-scale attack against you? God knows what He’s doing. He isn’t looking the other way, and He’s not being mean to you. Maybe this is the only way He can get you to attend to the old so He can do something new. Grab onto Him for dear life! Give Him full reign to remove anything in you that needs to go. Hasten the end of the process. Sift, dear one. Sift!” (pg. 96-97)

I am beginning to see how I have been sifted. How I am being sifted. I choose to participate in the process and deal with the old stuff so that He can do something new in me, and use me in a new way. So that I can do something new for Him that the old has been blocking me from.
Will you sift with me?

NOTE: All quotes in this post were taken from “When Godly People Do UnGodly Things,” by Beth Moore. (c) 2002. Published by Broadman & Holman Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee.

Being carried by God, even in despair...

This weekend has been up and down to say the least.

I went to a wedding with Dave on Saturday, and before that I spent some time at the coffee shop with God. Had a wonderful conversation with the owner of the coffee shop, and a wonderful time with God.

Then came Sunday. I was at church, and I could feel it when I got up that morning. This emptiness inside that I just couldn’t pin point. The day before, I tagged it as just a deep longing for God to fill me. A spot deep in my heart that was still empty, that nothing I did could fill. Well, as I got to church, prepared and warmed up for worship team, it got stronger.

We started the service, and I got through the opening two songs, and the sermon. Then we got up and we sang 3 more songs before communion. The last song starts with the line, “Beneath the cross of Jesus, I find a place to stand…” I got that far, and almost lost it right then and there. Unfortunately I couldn’t just stop singing (I was the only female on the worship team) so I choked it back and kept going.

Then there was communion, which at that point, put me over the edge. I cried through all of communion. I was just asking God to commune with my heart, to fill the hole, to heal me. And felt so alone. My kids were with my in-laws, my husband didn’t make it to church, so I was sitting alone. (Did I mention that due to Dave’s schedule at work, we haven’t been to church together in about 6 weeks now?)

I cleaned myself up enough to get up and sing the last song, “In Christ Alone,” by Stuart Townend and Keith Getty. Well, that one just about did me in as well. The second half of the last verse follows here…

“No powers of hell, no schemes of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand.
Till He returns, or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand.”

When the song was done, I got off the platform as quickly as possible and joined in a conversation briefly with a friend, and then headed to my community group. I slipped into the last row, next to a good friend from my small group. When prayer requests were shared, and then we started to pray, I started to cry again. As the prayer time was winding down, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to “cover” that I was crying, so leaving everything but my purse, I ran for the bathroom, it was empty, so I hid in a stall, and let myself just sob. I literally was on my knees crying, and whispering for God’s help.

Over and over…. “God, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep this up. I need You to help me.”
Then I realized the bathroom door opened, so I got up on my feet, mopped up a bit and came out of the bathroom stall. It was my friend I had been sitting next to. She took one look at my face, and held out her arms to me for a hug, and asked what she could do to help. I fell apart and just sobbed on her shoulder. I finally calmed down enough, that we were able to slip out of the bathroom and into the sanctuary.

We talked until community groups were done, and then shortly after that I headed home. I found my husband, and we went to the farm. Right after a family meal, the kids went down for their naps, Dave and I went for a walk, and then Dave found one of our bikes in the machine shed, and rode it home from the farm. I hung around till the kids got up, rounded them and their sundry items up, and headed home.

All through this I was feeling terrible, and though I wanted to talk to Dave about it, there never was the opportunity, even on our walk.

When I got home, I let the kids run out to the back yard because I could tell that Dave had started a fire in our fire pit. After a bit of their playing, we roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, and let them play themselves out.

Then Dave did something special for me. He rounded up the kids, and headed them inside for bath, popcorn and a movie. I was able to sit outside in the fading light, spend time at the fire. I was able to pray, journal, read scripture, journal out thoughts about the scripture… just spend some concentrated time with God.

Maybe it was taking my anti-anxiety medication that started the process of thinking more clearly, and even if it was, I guess it doesn’t matter. All that matters, was that for the first time all day, I finally felt better, my thoughts were clearer, and by the time it was too dark to write anymore, I had this gentle sense of peace. It was faint, there still was (and is now) the emptiness, but it is coupled with a bit of peace.

I am choosing to trust that God met me there.

During communion, our associate pastor was one of the elders helping pass communion through the congregation. He walked right down the aisle that I was sitting on. I have learned from past experiences that he is very sensitive to God’s Spirit, and has good discernment for what is going on. I have learned to trust his impressions… they are usually pretty accurate.

Well, to make a long story short, he came to me after the service. Even though he had seen my crying all through communion, he said that every time he passed me, he really felt God. He said he didn’t notice it except right when he was near me. He said that he just felt he needed to tell me that, why he didn’t know, but that he felt that God was doing something.

What he didn’t know, was that during communion was when I was feeling the most alone, the most lost, the most isolated and abandoned. Later, looking back, I can see that was when God must have been moving… even though I didn’t feel it, or realize it.

Like the “Footprints” poem says:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,

that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936

My God was carrying me… even in the midst of the worst isolation and loneliness and despair I have felt in a long time. I was being carried. I choose to believe it. I have to.

Good is good enough...

Those are hard words for a perfectionist like me to hear.
Seriously… they are.

They are also one of the last things that my counselor said to me this past week. Sigh.
I had talked to Tricia about stressing out all week because we were hosting our small group for the first time in about 4 weeks. Our house has been a disaster (and right now it isn’t much better) because I have been only doing a “maintenance” cleaning the past four weeks. Running after 2 kids and dealing with other things ends up eating up the time I would normally be doing deeper cleaning… (or maybe that is reading, not cleaning!!!)

Anyway, I was stressing out about how much there was to get done, and Tricia said that she needed to teach me that “good was good enough.”

Little did I know then, that those words would be my mantra for the next 2 days!
All day Wednesday I tried to clean the house. Every time I got one corner clean and moved onto the next, the kids undid what I just finished. I felt like I was running circles all day. And, all day I had the worst heartburn. I couldn’t believe how bad it was. You would think that after eating Tums all day, I would get the hint.

Finally that evening I got a clue, and took some anti-anxiety medicine. Gee, who knew? My heartburn calmed down, and the knot in my stomach (that I didn’t even know was there) disintegrated.

I still didn’t get a clue, and the next day, when we were going to be hosting our small group, I was still driving myself nuts to get everything done. I had a list too long to possibly accomplish, and added more as the day went on. I was stressed to the max, and wasn’t able to let go of things that were unnecessary.

To top it off, I had a short devotional time with the Lord in the morning, but I was distracted by the kids, and it was really hard to even pray. I couldn’t keep a line of thought going long enough. I went through the whole day trying to keep up, catch up, clean up. All day I was breathing short “Help me” prayers.

Two hours before everyone was to arrive, I lost it in the kitchen. I was trying to iron a table cloth, and found myself beating myself up for “ruining” it (bleached out parts of it), and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I realized at that point, I needed a major reality check. I had been allowing myself to be bombarded by thoughts of failure, condemnation, and the feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I was feeling like everyone coming over would see all the things that I didn’t get done, and even if they didn’t say anything to me, would be condemning me in their thoughts.

Now, I had no reason to believe these thoughts. I had no previous evidence that my small group would do that. As a matter of fact, I knew our small group was just focusing on us all being together for the first time in over a month. I knew the important thing was each other, not the condition of the place in which we met.

I was being bombarded by lies, and I couldn’t stop them.

I was so exhausted, and so wound tight from the last two days, I couldn’t stop the thoughts that were causing all the feelings flooding me.

About 45 minutes before our small group (our family) were to arrive, I told my husband Dave that I just needed to shower and have a little bit of time alone. I got into the shower, and sat in the bottom of the tub, and prayed, and then cried… a little bit. I didn’t have much time to spare. Just that little time of prayer helped. I was able to ask God to forgive me for trying to do it all on my own for the past few days, and to help me give the rest of the night to Him.

After that it still took me a while to relax. I wasn’t able to fully relax until we were sitting around the living room sharing and praying. After everyone left, I felt the anxiety kick in, as an after effect of the stress and tension I had been under all day.

It literally took me all day Friday to relax and recover from the stress of the week. Seriously, this is ridiculous. I can’t believe that I stressed myself out so badly about having close friends over, that it took me a full day to recover, just from getting the house ready!

I am such a perfectionist that I can’t let one little thing go, and if the table isn’t perfectly set, or there is a dirty window, or dust visible on something, it drives me nuts, but only when there is company coming over! And I can never get it all done, so even if no one says anything, I find myself feeling embarrassed and apologetic. I wish you could see inside my head when someone just “pops over” for a little bit. I am nearly paralyzed at times by the shame at the condition of the house, kids, myself, etc. I try to put on hold a lot of things but basic cleaning and laundry when the kids are up and around because I want to spend my time with them, at least as much as I am able.

That sounds great… right now. It’s a good excuse… right now. But when people come over, I feel like I am going crazy.

And what drives me even more crazy is that I love to host people. I love having people over to my house and making them feel comfortable and welcome. I just have such internal stress about how things look, and if I remembered everything, that it is hard for me to enjoy.

I think Tricia is right. We are going to have to work on this perfectionist streak in me….
And I am going to have to somehow remember, “Good is good enough,” and let God take care of the rest.

Counseling and prayer ministry...

This week’s counseling was very good. For once we didn’t tackle anything hard, anything strenuous, just caught up on the week, and identified a few things to think about and be aware of.

When I walked in, the first thing Tricia asked me was how my week went. I looked at her, smiled and said, “Tricia, I think I have turned a corner. I mean, last week’s session has had such an impact, I really think it is going to be a lasting change. I feel different, better than I have in a long time.” She paused a moment, and then a huge grin spread across her face as she gave me a high five and said “Praise God!!”

We had a wonderful time sharing, and I was able to tell her in more detail what had happened in our session the previous week. You have to remember, I was very much in shock when I left her office last week, so much so, I was trying to put my shoes on the wrong feet, and my jacket on upside down! So to sit and be able to tell her how God spoke to me, and pulled ideas and devotionals and scripture readings together this week was really wonderful.

I read to her most of my post about the session last week, and shared with her the poem that Cindy wrote for me. There were a couple of times that I thought she was going to cry. And other times I could tell she was thrilled with the new thought patterns that were starting to develop.

We got done talking about that, and I brought up a couple of things that I had noticed. One of them being how quickly my mind flips a switch when I feel like people are pulling away from me. I just start putting up walls between me and those people, to protect my heart. I back away, don’t share as much, feel uncomfortable around them (internally, though I try to hide it outwardly), and over all try to make myself appear relaxed and out going, when inside I am guarding every word and deed so as not to get hurt.

One of the things that hit me when I was on my way down to her office was that Jesus has my heart in His hands. I don’t have to throw up walls to protect my heart anymore. The walls kept people and hurt out, but kept me in as well. I realized that Jesus has my heart in His hands, and He will protect it. He sets a hedge of protection around my heart. And what is a hedge in real life? Something living and growing and breathable that lets air in and out. I can get out, and others can get in. Yes, some “fiery darts” will get in and through but I know that Jesus will allow through only what will strengthen me, even if it hurts at the time. And He will heal me from that hurt.

After sharing that with Tricia, I felt God prompting me to share something else with her. So, I shared the following, and I wasn’t quite sure how to start, but felt I just had to speak from my heart. The last couple of weeks, she has been pretty transparent with me about some things going on with her. She hasn’t been able to give me details, obviously, but I know that she has been dealing with some things in her life.

Well, specifically this last week, God really placed Tricia on my heart to pray from her. Every day this week I have spent some time in prayer for her, daily, but also as God prompted me. Monday night I stayed up late to quiet and organize my thoughts before the counseling session the next day. During the time I was up, there was a point where I just couldn’t avoid it, and had to start praying for Tricia. My prayers ranged all over, from God helping her rest, to His gifting of discernment, strength, wisdom for her counseling the next day, spiritual protection for her and her family. I just prayed as the Spirit prompted me, prayed through scripture for her… For me it was a wonderful time of concentrated prayer, and I knew that it would benefit her as well.

So I told her this, and then she thanked me, and without my breaking any confidences here, told me that there were some things happening that night, and the past week that were very difficult. She said there has been a bunch of stuff going on that I could never imagine, and probably wouldn’t believe if she told me. She told me she has some people praying for her regularly, one a former client. She asked me if she could count on me to be a regular prayer warrior for her. I was able to commit to that, to say absolutely, YES. She may be an instrument of healing for me in God’s hands, but she is also human and has needs as well. The best way I can minister to her, as a sister in Christ, is by prayer. It echoes something I talked about with Pete and Donna last week. Pete said that I had a ministry to her, just as much as she was ministering to me. I had a ministry as a sister in Christ, to encourage and to pray. It felt like a confirmation of what I thought I had been feeling from God but was second guessing.

The bonus with praying for her is, she never has to tell me anything. She just knows that I will be praying for her. I don’t have to contact her and ask her how she is doing. I just have to pray. It won’t over step counselor/client boundaries. I just have to pray. And I am willing to make that commitment. A commitment like that, in the past, I had been unwilling to make. I just have to pray.

So, now I am going to go pray. For Tricia, for my friends and family, my husband and children… and the people we encounter each day.

God bless all of you who read this and thank you for your prayers for me. It doesn’t matter if I know your are praying or not, I am grateful.