Confirmation

It isn't easy when something you are sensing is confirmed by God.

A week ago, Cindy asked me if I felt ignored by her. I told her no, because I know the circumstances she has been going through. We have talked on the phone several times and seen each other at church, but not really had the chance to get together. I was able to tell her "no" truthfully.

I know in my head I am not abandoned by her. I also know that my other friends that I am close to haven't abandoned me either. Some have had other issues that they have had to deal with. Circumstances and odd schedules have caused us to not be able to see each other, or not be able to talk to one another.

It is how life is sometimes. I know that if I needed them, I could call and they would be here in a minute.

So again, I know in my head I am not abandoned. I know it in my heart for the most part too.

But there are still emotions that tug at me, and make me feel so alone.

I wrote that in my journal the other day.

"I feel lonely."

I shared it with Tricia. She confirmed what I felt God has been telling me all along.

Sometimes God allows people, friends to fall away, to the point that our only recourse is to focus totally on Him. In those times of loneliness there are the opportunities to fall away, and to turn to other things for comfort, to allow our focus to be turned away from God. There are the chances that we will stop, stuck in bitterness and frustration and we just hold still and we don't let go.

I have been there. Years ago I was in such a position. Friends were stripped away. I literally felt naked and exposed. From time to time I looked only to God. Other times I tried to make due with other things, whether it was working, reading, TV, anything else to distract me from the pain of betrayal, loneliness and bitterness I felt.

I did hang onto God. Or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That helps me now.

I have not been betrayed now, like I was back then.
I don't feel naked and exposed, like I did back then.

I am vulnerable, like I was. Somehow this feels different. I know I am healthier than I was back then. I feel different and that is a good thing. But I don't want to "muscle through" this on my own strength but rather rely on the strength of my Savior. The cutting away of things is really hard though.

I am loved. I am cared for. My friends are still here, they are still close. But without the closer conversations and contact, and feeling distant because they are having struggles too that they need to focus on, I still feel lonely.

I hate that lonely, empty feeling. I have had it too many times in the past.

I read something a couple of days ago about keeping my gaze so focused on Jesus that the rest of the world fades into background noise. To the point that all I can see is His face. His smile. His delight in me. Then, even if I stumble, even if I fall, even if I falter and get afraid, if my gaze is focused on Him, it will be ok. In the end it will be ok..... and it will be better than ok.

Because more than ever, He will be my all in all.

Then I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend to those I love so much in my life. I will be less of me and more of Him.

But that means I have to trust Jesus right now with everything.

Like I talked about in an earlier post, its about letting go. Tricia confirmed that too - so did another friend I talked to on Wednesday night.

This is all about letting go. Not letting go of friendships and friends and walking away, but trusting God to keep those friendship - trusting my dear friends to His hands (way better than my hands at holding close those I love).

Letting go so that my hands are empty and open to Him to receive from this time what He would have me learn. He would have me learn more deeply that He loves me. He is reliable. I am His beloved, and He is mine.

I still hate this lonely feeling though.
It makes me afraid.
It causes me to flail around looking for some way to connect with someone, or to fill the emptiness.

I know that having everything else cut away for a time is good. It's good for me. Its a refining process. But it still hurts.

I also know it is temporary. It is necessary. I have needed time to grieve, to focus on my family, to get the kids ready for school, to get necessary things done for work.......

....... and God has provided someone else. A friend. A counselor.

With Tricia back in my life - as a counselor - I have had some stability.

There has been the initial regaining of trust, getting to feel comfortable with her, enough to be open and honest and raw. There are still things that I'm afraid to tell her, or I down play the significance of. That will decrease.

God has placed her there as a steadying influence when all else is seeming to go haywire, to keep me focused on Him, to keep me going the right direction, and to point out the things and confirm the things that He is already speaking to me.

I still don't like confirmation of things that seem to be happening in my life.

But God used Tricia to show me that it's ok to have these times, as long as I respond to them, and go through them, in a healthy way. We are going to still be working on these things. It won't go away that easily, but I know that there are reasons behind everything that has been going on.

I need my Jesus more than I ever had before. I am entering new territory, new waters, new challenges, and new opportunities. God is growing me for something through these hard times.

I am praying that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone.

Please pray for me that I will be able to find those times to retreat with God. I need that so badly. I am struggling with how this schedule is going to work with school and dropping kids off and needing time for myself and God in the morning.

If I don't have that time, I am going to find myself quickly leaning on my own strength, and I know from experience that is not a good thing, and won't end well.

He is more than enough for me.

I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

Oh Lord, help me.

Temper tantrum?

I think I am having a bit of a temper tantrum.

I HATE taking medication just to be able to think straight enough to type this, or to drive home!!

My anxiety is over-whelming me at the moment. I had to take something to calm down enough to get home without feeling sick to my stomach. Which has been happening all week....
... the being sick to my stomach part.

I have had bouts of nausea and thought it was a stomach bug. Then after it was still bad yesterday, on the advice of my doctor, I went to eat before I went back to work. I thought for sure I would get sick.

Imagine my surprise when I felt better!

That was when I knew that most of how I've been feeling physically is anxiety and depression related.

As I mentioned, I went to my doctor yesterday. We talked about all that has gone on with Henry passing away, and trying to deal with this "stuff" in the moment, and my relative numbness lately.

After talking for a while, he told me that if he increased my medications, or changed them, I wouldn't feel any different or get any benefit from them right now. He was very hesitant to change anything until I am out a little further from these events of the past few weeks.

Then he strongly suggested that I consider going to a counselor again.

Interestingly enough, as I had pulled into the parking lot yesterday, I found myself wondering if that was something that I should do, or when I would know it was the right time. Then I dismissed it with the thought that my doctor would know when it was time and that he would tell me what he thought.

Little did I know that I would hear what he thought in the next half hour.

Counseling again.

Well, I got back to work from my appointment. After getting something to eat, as requested. As I worked through the afternoon, I found that I was actually getting something accomplished, which was more than I had hoped for earlier in the day. When I got up that morning it was all I could do to get out of bed.

I eventually called my friend Cindy. I told her how the appointment went. And what my doctor had said about counseling.

After talking for a bit, she weighed in with her opinion. She thought it was a good idea, and reminded me that she is going to be gone for this whole next month. I'm not going to have her readily available to talk to, even though she will have her cell phone with her. She urged me to make the call.

I got off the phone and continued to work.

Then I got a call from my other friend, Cindy D. (Yes, there are two of them now.... so this "new to you" Cindy, will always be Cindy D. just to keep them straight!!!) :)

Anyway, as Cindy D. opened the conversation with me, she asked how I was doing.

Point blank, I responded, "I don't even know how to answer that question anymore."

It's the truth. I am depressed. I know that. But that's about all I know. I am frustrated with myself. I am anxious, to the point of almost having panic attacks. Other than that, I just don't know what to say. At all.

She wasn't put off by that, thankfully. She and I talked for a while, and I know she was treading carefully because she didn't want to step on my toes, or make me uncomfortable as this is a new friendship. But she was very kind and gracious. When I finally "broke" and told her about my doctor's appointment and his strong suggestion... she said to me that she agreed with him too.

We talked for a while longer, and she encouraged me a lot. She has been through some things in her past that helped her to recognize what I was going through and where I am at, whether I am able to describe it or not. To use her words, I am in shock still from Henry's death, and denial too, I suppose.

Did you know me, the empathy person, who can just about cry with anyone, can't cry now? I have wanted to. Felt the lump in my throat. Nothin's there. And the pressure's building.

Cindy D. was such an encouragement to me that after we got off the phone, I paced the church. I know that doesn't sound encouraging... but for me it was. I paced and came back to my office. I got up and paced some more. Came back and answered a couple of phone calls and tried to do some more work.

Then got up and paced some more.

Finally I found myself in the sanctuary, where I think God had wanted me all along.

I paced in there too.
I talked out loud. About calling a counselor. About what I should do. How logical it would be to go to one. How logical it would be to NOT go to one.

I kept pacing through the rows of chairs, keeping one eye on the sky cause a storm was coming.

I came back to my office and computer. Sat down. Then jumped up. It wasn't because of the clap of thunder that came then, I couldn't sit still.

I was pacing in the sanctuary again, and finally stopped and faced the front. Then I talked to God a bit, and felt like He was pressing on me to make the call.

I walked back to my office and with shaking hands dialed a number that I haven't called in over a year and a half.

"Charis Counseling, may I help you?"
"Um, yeah, I think. This is Heather Kudla. I used to be a patient of Tricia, and was wondering if she might have an opening for a new patient, well, for me in her schedule."
"She sure does, let me just pull your name back up..."

And so the conversation continued.

When I hung up, I had an appointment.

With Tricia. The same person I saw before. On Monday night.

Do you know what my Monday is going to look like?!?!

To get to this appointment, I have to leave work early, race home to the farm to get the kids and bring them into town for swimming lessons. Dave's mom is going to meet me there on her way through from work, and "take over" for me at the lessons, and I am going to race from the swimming pool, back up to Wausau for my appointment.... by 6pm.

This is totally nuts. I am traveling a half hour to spend a half hour with the kids before I turn back around and drive a half hour back into town.

I'm tempted to cancel, but if I did it would be another 2 weeks before I could get in to see her.

Oh, it will be good to see Tricia and get caught up. But I didn't want to get caught up in a counseling office, but rather over a cup of coffee or something, in a setting where we could be friends, not a counselor/client relationship.

Both my Cindy's reminders though keep coming back. I may just need this one appointment to have her help me get back on track. I may need more too. I don't know. I don't know anything.

I just know I haven't ever lost someone close to me. I have never gone through a grieving process in "real time" close to the source of the grief. I don't know what to expect. I fear my emotions, and when they might pop out, or what they might be like when they do.

I guess I need someone with counseling experience and the tools to really help me, walk through this with me.

Maybe that "temper tantrum" I mentioned at the beginning of my post really wasn't that at all. Maybe it was a bit of anger at the situation I am in, and at how I'm dealing with it, and how I'm relating to God through it too.

I still hate taking medication to calm down, but at least now I don't feel as sick to my stomach. And at least now, I have been able to write for the first time in a long while.

I have even found that I can't journal. It's been hard not having my writing. Things have piled up, I have a lot to do for work, and then a lot to do with my family. Writing has taken a back seat.

Thank you for bearing with me as I have vented.
Maybe my next post will be a bit more organized.
Maybe.
I'm not making any promises!

Beauty - worship

I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see there.

I mean, really look in the mirror. Not to fix my hair or clothes, but to look at my face, in my eyes and be able to appreciate my outward, physical appearance.

I don't mean this to be vain.

Like I said in my previous post, God loves me, I am His beloved. He didn't create just the inside of me. He created all of me. Inside and out. He knew what nose I would have, that my hair would turn gray early, everything about me - physically.

I guess this difficulty in appreciating my physical appearance has become more pronounced the more I have healed in how I look at myself over all. I mean, I really didn't like myself at all for so long, that it was a huge turn around to really love myself inwardly.

Now that I am loving myself there, how God created me to love and empathize with others... everything, I am seeing the double standard I have been holding myself to.

Liking one part of myself as I see it integrate with all I am doing, and hating the other part of me for how it looks and won't fit into what I want it to, or won't do what I want it to physically.

Some days are better than others. And by better, I mean that some days I am able to ignore the physical beauty or lack there of (perceived by my flawed eyes and standards, I know). Other days, I feel like it is totally staring me in the face and at the forefront of my mind all the time.

Something that I am starting - trying to do consistently - is something that Cindy challenged me to.

Every time I get in the car, and either I am alone, or the kids are quiet in the car, I spend the time worshiping and praising God. Literally. The whole time in the car. Not asking for anything. Not coming with a laundry list.

Worshiping Him.
Praising Him.

Try it for one day. I dare you!

Cindy reminded me that I would have nothing to pour out to anyone else unless I was filled. I also wouldn't have the right focus about my day, my self, my life and my looks, unless I was filled by Jesus. When I worship Him, I focus on Him, connect myself in relationship with Him, and end up getting encompassed by His love.

It's amazing the changes in my heart and mind as I have tried it the past couple of days.

I am not "there" yet, but I can sense a difference, not necessarily in how I view my beauty, but in how I am reacting to the lies I have been believing. Slowly the truth has been sinking in, and in the process, God has been giving me new things to explore and discover in the word.

More on that later.

I do challenge you to try to spend your quiet times, not just praying and requesting things, but to really spend it in praise and worship of God - who He is, what He's done, what He's doing - anything and everything. I can see that is is transforming and life changing... already, after a couple of days.

Life is good, God is better!

Last year at this time, I was looking at my life, wondering how I was possibly going to get through the new year with no counseling. I had just finished with my counselor, and was scared I couldn't do it on my own.

I was right. I couldn't.
But God did.

There were many things that He helped me do this year.

He prompted me to sign up for the conference "She Speaks" through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I prepared my talks, I went, I made new friends, I spoke... I also learned a ton!

God got me involved in the leadership team that is helping plan our church's first women's retreat (coming in February).

He also gave me a part time job as the administrator for my church.

Those are 3 big things that I didn't think I would be doing any time soon. Looking into 2009 last year, I had no idea those things were on the horizon (though I did suspect that She Speaks was).

God has blessed me in so many ways this year. Though I haven't written as much as I did the first year, I am just finishing my second year of blogging. I still have been able to write, and not just "newsy" stuff, but heart stuff too.

He has given me friendships through my blog and through Facebook that I would have never thought possible.

He helped me work through and memorize 24 verses through the Siesta 1st and 15th Scripture Memory challenge through the LPM blog. Some of them are a bit fuzzy now.... but I still have them there, and I still had them as I needed them for the circumstances I faced.

He helped me get a solo in Wausau Lyric Choir last spring. Did a major healing in me through that concert alone. And then He asked me to step down from it this year. It has made me sad, but right now, I know it would be too much and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I got to go, with several miracles on God's part, with a friend to the Living Proof Live event in Green Bay this year.

Jesus has led me through some life coaching with a dear friend.... and helped me walk with that same friend through some rough times of her own this fall and winter.

One thing that I didn't accomplish was getting finished with writing about She Speaks and all that I learned there. I kind of left you all hanging there... at Part 8 I think... when I was done with all my portion of the speaking, and going in to hear Jennifer Rothschild speak to us.

I guess I will have to finish up writing about She Speaks this coming year!


There is that familiar phrase that everyone uses (almost, it seems anyway) "Life is good." It's even its own clothing label now.

Life IS good....
Because GOD is good.

Whether the circumstances are good or not.... and they aren't always good...... God is in them. He is good. He loves each and every one of us so dearly.

And that is what makes life good.

Because even in the dark, in the light, and in the in-between God is there with us. He holds us, no matter how far away we push Him.... He stays there. With us.

Always.

Life is good....
.... but God is better!

May God bless you and yours this day and all the ones to come.
Love,

Advent of Trust #10; Faithfulness of God in Cindy's life

This may seem a cop out to some, to point you to another post.

However, this has so affected me that it was what prompted me to start writing my Advent posts this year.

More than anything I have been trying to focus my last few posts on things that I need, not trying to tailor the posts to "fit" in with advent. Just writing for me.

My sweet friend Cindy wrote this post. Her first after her surgery. I am so grateful to see her heart written out again. Some of this she already told me last weekend but it was a blessing to see it in her own words.

Please visit her, and continue to pray for her healing and for energy again.... big praise.... all the pathology came back benign!!! Praise God and thank you so much for praying for her!

Here is her post "Great is thy Faithfulness Oh, Lord!"

May God bless you,

Advent of Trust #5; trust and spiritual giftings...

This weekend would have been exhausting for many people.

Yet though I am tired right now, it isn't total exhaustion. I will sleep well, make no doubt! But I have learned that working out of your areas of gifting and love are energizing, not depleting.

I never really understood that before.
I never really knew what my giftings were before.

I used to ask God to show me what to do, what I should do with my life....

...and then tried things on my own, out of my own strength.

I should have waited more patiently, trusting Him.

I was so worried about my friend, Cindy, two weeks ago. I remember voicing to her that I just wanted to do something more than "just pray" for her.

She kept telling me that whatever happened it would be good. It would be worked for our good and God's glory, for her, for all of us.

I was afraid to trust that. To trust God for that.

Yet, He still gives us chance after chance to trust.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to put my desire to do more than "just pray" to work. I was hands on helping. It was so good to do something, anything physical to help.

But, as I was up with her in the wee hours of the morning, putting a cold wash cloth on her forehead, just rubbing her shoulder as she cried because of the pain of moving around and exhaustion....

......I prayed......

and it wasn't "just praying" anymore.
It was the true work I was doing.

All the physical help I gave was a good break for both her and her husband. But the prayer that I could give, and did give, during the night, silent and out loud was the real work.

In the middle of the night, when you choose helping someone over the preferred sleep... when you voice prayers and words of scripture and gestures of comfort when your flesh would normally desire to just leave....

That's when the real ministry happens.

I have experienced this some before, with my kids or when someone else I love is sick. But this was the first time where I was aware of the gifts that God has given me for mercy and compassion, and I was able to intentionally use them.

This time, I trusted Him to show me. I trusted him enough to wait on him (though it was kicking and screaming sometimes the last couple of weeks, as I waited... none too patiently) I look back on how I acted, and reacted to God, and the lack of trust and faith I showed....

I can only pray that I will remember how, yet again, God has come through and helped me, or helped someone I was praying for.

I can only thank God that He showed me that He gave me the gift of compassion, mercy, empathy and prayer. Now to trust Him to work through me in those areas, in HIS TIME, not my own.

I have seen what He can do when I am willing to follow His leading and how it turns out for good, not only for the person/people I am helping, but also for my own good. Now to trust Him enough to step out when He says to step out, and to wait when He says to wait.

Tomorrow is another step, another hurdle. Different than this one. But it is a chance to allow Him control and "do" it through me. I can't. But He can.

I will surrender myself to Him.
I will put all of my trust in Him.

There is no other way to walk through this life.
No other way that is bearable.

Have you found how to trust Him to work through you?
Especially work through your giftedness?
I would love to hear about it!

Advent of Trust #4; My Abba Father...

So I will catch up with my Advent posts to that I am actually doing a post on the right day and end up with 25. But today wasn't the day.

I spend the day with my dear friend who is recovering from surgery.

I fed her my homemade chicken noodle soup. And some ice cream.

We were able to talk (way more than I thought we would, I was sure I would get a lot of writing and reading done today....)

And we were able to laugh.

She still is in pain, and still has a long recovery road ahead of her. But this was the most she has moved around, talked and been awake since last week Sunday.

For that, I am SO grateful!
Thank you, Jesus.

My contribution to my Advent of Trust posts for today:
A poem that I wrote as part of a creative exercise in my bible study devotional today.

My Abba Father

You rescued me from despair;
You healed me when I was beyond repair.
You are my shield and my defender.
To you my soul I will surrender.

Your strong love restores, forever stands;
My heart is safe within your hands.
Faithful Redeemer, powerful and just;
In you I will put all of my trust.

Heather Kudla (12-05-09)

A decision, a choice of surrender and of trust.

Advent of Trust #2.... Leaning not on my own understanding

Another day, another day to trust.

After a long day at work, and a couple of meetings, phone calls and the like, I had more than enough opportunities to trust God.

"Trust in the Lord will all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

I have some opportunities to trust someone to take the lead in something. I have some opportunities to trust God to organize our women's retreat. I have some opportunities to trust God to heal a dear friend.

When I trust Him, I have to let go. Let go of the reins. Let go of control. Let go of the worry and anxiety.

God is in control.

Why can't I get that through my head?

To finally surrender and trust Him in all areas is extremely hard for me. I am plagued with worry and anxiety much of the time.

I fear that I won't measure up, either in others eyes, or in Gods (that's a whole other issue, because in myself I don't measure up, but in Christ I do....) But you get what I mean.

This has just been a long week, and my heart hurts for a friend. I know she is in pain, she is on a slow recovery process from surgery. I just keep praying for her and thinking about her all the time.

She is not only my dear friend, she is my sister in so many ways. She also is like a mentor to me. I go to her for advice so many times. There are so many things right now that I could use her advice on.

But because we haven't even been able to talk, and I know that she isn't up to talking... I have to rely on someone else.

I suppose the last couple of days, I have been leaning on my own understanding.

There is no one to talk to who can help "fix" what I perceive as my problems.

I have to trust in the Lord.
With. All. My. Heart.

As I have expressed, this is very hard for me. Maybe God is allowing me to the place of exhaustion to show me how much I have been trying to do on my own.

I have been doing fine in taking on the things I have... but if this exhaustion I am feeling today it God's way of showing me that some of these things aren't for me, then I suppose I have to trust him. My problem is trying to figure out if my reservations in certain areas is because it isn't a right decision, or if it is my own desire to "control" things.

I don't know.

So... its trusting in the Lord with all of my heart... and not leaning on my own reasoning of the situation. That's my job for today, I guess. All my understanding is worth nothing in the sight of God who can see everything and work everything together for good.

How are you going to trust Him today? Is there a specific area?


PS I will be posting a bit later today, as well, to "catch up" so that I am up to date and can keep up with all my posts for this month! :)

My friend, my heart

I'm just going to put it out there.

I'm having a hard week.

Work has been good, and I love the job.
I put in a ton of hours earlier this week, and drained myself.
It was my own fault for not putting up boundaries.

It took me nearly all day Wednesday to recover.

Yesterday I talked to my friend Cindy on the phone. I snuggled up under the covers on my bed while we talked. When we were done, I hung up and immediately started sobbing into the pillows.

All I wanted to do was get to her somehow and give her a big hug.

She is so overwhelmed by all that is going on in her life, that "Miss Empathy" herself, the dear woman who cries at almost anything, can't cry.

I think it is a flip of the switch that her brain did to enable her, with all the traumas in her life, to keep functioning. She is hurting terribly, but can't cry, can't break down, or let it go.

I get to see her, for a bit this morning for the first time in almost 4 weeks. I have missed her so much. She was gone, dealing with her father's death, and then caring for her mother, as she suddenly got worse and was hospitalized.

Now on top of all of that, she is preparing for surgery herself.

My heart is breaking for her. She is so glazed over, as she said to me just recently.

She is here right now on the phone, with another doctor, who is asking her questions to prep her for surgery.

I just promised her that she wouldn't be alone in the hospital if her husband couldn't be with her all the time. I want to do as much for her as I can, as God wants me to, even if it isn't me staying with her, but me arranging to have others stay with her.

Another friend went through surgery, cancer, and chemo last year, and I had peace pretty much through the whole thing, though it was traumatic. I was able to help and bring food, and do as much as possible to help her and her husband.

I never expected to have this type of response to all the things Cindy is going through, from her dad dying, to her mom almost gone now, to her having surgery... She just has been hit with so much. So my empathy is kicking into overdrive, as she "can't" feel right now, I have been for her.

That probably prompted my storm of tears yesterday.
It's probably why I am so close to tears today.

Please pray for me as I try to do all that God is asking me to, in my life, and all the things that I want to do, as God gives me permission, for Cindy. I know it is normal to hurt and grieve for someone, especially someone with whom I am so close. But I also want to be strong for her, and not make her think that she can't tell me things because I can't "handle" it.

Please pray for Cindy, that a some point (preferably before the surgery) she will be able to let go of some of the emotions building up.

God has been showing His perfect timing in everything, allowing her to reschedule an appointment with a doctor who really is scheduled out so far, it was nearly impossible for her to get her first appointment with him... and she was able to get her surgery scheduled soon. If her mom does die now, please pray that the timing will work out for the best for Cindy.

Pray that the people around Bob and Cindy will be able to help and come around them, supporting them during this time. They have no immediate family in this area, but have a whole church who loves them dearly. Please pray that they would accept the help that is offered to them, and not try to tough it out alone.

Pray for God's peace over all, in all, and through all.

She had to run to another appointment here in town, so Marina and I are going to run to meet her somewhere for lunch, after her appointment.

I am praying for a sweet time of fellowship... because I think we both need it.

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for a forum where I can be honest about where I am at, my emotions, and the things going on in my life right now... the aches, and joys too, in my heart.

Hopefully be able to write more soon,
Love in Him