Preparing...

For the next Three Weeks might we explore: The Practice of Preparing… What does it look like to prepare our hearts for God? How do we prepare our families and homes to encounter God afresh this holiday season? How do we intentionally, prayerfully prepare for holy-days? The whole community looks forward to your prayerful reflections stories, ideas….

From Ann Voskamp's post on Wednesday

That question caught me.  Arrested my attention.  Tugged at my heart.

Especially today. Today we received our packet from Compassion International about our child from Ecuador that we are newly sponsoring.  Not only has he been waiting for over 6 months for a sponsor and never had one before, we have never been sponsors before.  I have been waiting to BE a sponsor for over 6 months.

How do we prepare our family, our home to encounter God afresh this holiday season?  How do I?

Its something I struggle with, because with little kids, it becomes a "what can I get, what do I want, how much can I get..." type of season.

I don't want that.  More than ever, I don't want that.  I want them to be thankful for all they have.  Not yearning for the material things they don't.

I know someone else who is yearning for things they don't have.  Me. Dave. It seems to come so naturally for us.... why shouldn't the kids pick up on it too?  Its all over our culture, and I can lay blame at the feet of our consumerism culture.

But I am to blame too for they learn it in the home first.  They learn it from me when I buy whatever I want at the moment.  They learn it from me when they hear me talking about wanting something for the house we don't have.  They learn it from me when I tell them "no" when they ask for something, but when I want something (not need) I say "yes" to myself.

What kind of mixed message is that?

How do I prepare them to encounter Christ?  Not just this season, but always.

By taking advantage of the opportunities that present themselves.

Last week, talking to Peter during the service when he opted to stay with me rather than go to childrens church.  Answering his questions.  Helping him understand what Communion means, allowing him to take it with me, to break the bread with me then and talk about it after.  Hearing the desire to do it again hidden in his voice as we talked.

This past week and a half as we have prayed for this one boy in Ecuador who needs someone so badly to love him and sponsor him, to pray for him.  Explaining what it means for him to live where he does, how he does, to the best of my ability.  Sharing pictures taken by the team of bloggers who were in Ecuador last week.

Teaching them somehow to let go of the tight grasp they have on their "things" to give away the good stuff, not just the old, ratty toys and stuffed animals they have, but the new.  The things they might want, but not need.  If they don't want it cause it's old, or dirty, or broken why would someone else want it?

I want Peter and Marina to learn what it means to be blessed with more grace and joy by God out of giving rather than receiving.

I want them to understand how blessed we are by God to have all the things that we scatter willy-nilly through the rooms of this house.  I want them to know the POWER behind giving thanks in everything.  The good and the bad.

These kids of ours.  They aren't extraordinarily selfish or out of balance. They are like any other kid their age.  But I want them to have hearts of compassion.  They are tender-hearted and I want them to be tender out of compassion for others to the point of wanting to DO something to help them.

They can learn more about God and encounter more of Jesus in the naming of the gifts we have been given. 

I am not really sure how to help them encounter Jesus this season.  But maybe showing them my heart in giving with help.  Allowing them to see my tears as I pray for this brother of theirs in Ecuador.  I hope that this year they can see Jesus more clearly. Not just from how this time of year seems to promote a "magical" quality in everything... but by really seeing Jesus, and what this season is for.

I struggle with it every year, but for some reason this year seems particularly hard for me.  We want to do so much for them, but really there is no way to "compete" with other things we know are going to be given.  And I don't want to compete. 

I would rather they didn't get anything at all, but instead gave things away.

I never learned that as a child.
Not how to let go easily.

I don't want them stuck in the mindset of getting and having to learn as an adult how to give.

Not that I don't want to gift them with presents and things, because I do.  I love seeing their faces when they open up something they really want.  I want to see them savor the moment. 

But.

I want to see their faces when they see someone else open up something they really wanted, that Peter and Marina have given.  I want to see Peter and Marina savor the moment of giving.... and find really, true joy in that moment.  A joy that they will keep giving to receive more of.

Oh the joy that comes in the thanking God for everything.  The good, bad and ugly.

The bigger house.  The large yard.  Family close by.  The sun streaming in the livingroom window.

The mess of toys and art supplies on the floor that I keep tripping on cause the kids didn't put them away.  The mounds of laundry to be done - because we actually have clothes that need cleaning.  The spiders that make the cobwebs that drape our corners and ceilings no matter how often I sweep them and wipe them away - because we have an abundance of wood in our basement to put in our wood furnace to heat the house through the winter.  The dirty kitchen floor and counters - because we have a family to feed and food to do it with.

Fingerprinted windows to clean --- kids to print those windows up in their pointing and waving and pressing up to see out at birds and snowflakes.
Litterbox to change --- cats to curl up on our feet and laps when we settle down together.
Light bulbs to switch out --- we have electricity and the ability to light our house at night.
Carpet to vacuum --- people who are able to run in and out of the house to play or work and track in their day with them.
Beds to make --- loved ones to fill those beds, and somewhere warm and cozy to lie at night.

As I make my lists, the load of things to "do" becomes lighter and I can do it with a smile, because it is a joy to do these things because I have someone to do them for.

More and more blessings and gifts from God.
All becomes grace.
All is grace.

Oh that my kids will learn that. That is how they will be more prepared to encounter God this season. Naming the gifts. Thanking God for everything. 

Lord, teach me how to teach them out of what you have been teaching me!!!  Fill up the holes that I will leave, have left, the gaps, and reveal yourself to them.  Help them find the balance of enjoying what they have been given, and giving away to others. Help them learn their wants from their needs, and understand that it isn't wrong to have desires, or have those desires met, but not to worship anything or desire anything more than they worship You and desire You.

Show me the balance.  Fill up my holes.  Help me worship and bow down to You first and always and only.

God, sanctifly me through and through until I reflect only You.

Jesus, let this boy from Ecuador entering our lives right now, at this season help change us all and open our eyes to see all we have been blessed with, gifted with out of Your lavish grace, and help us lavish it on him, and others that cross our paths.

Prepare our hearts to see and receive You this season... and to respond back to you with joy and thanks.

Exhaustion and choices

Lack of enough sleep really does me in.

The last couple of nights or so have been late ones, besides the fact that I was sleeping on the couch to give my visiting parents a bed to sleep in.  Needless to say I didn't sleep the greatest or long enough.

The tiredness has increased the "weight" that I have been feeling sneaking in around the edges the last few days. God is still good.  He is still in control.  I was still able to worship Him today at church.

I just feel that depression building up again.  Besides being tired, I really wish I knew its source.  It's hard to figure out because I just don't see it.  Though I know right now exhaustion is playing into it big time, it's still frustrating to see and feel the anxiety and know that I have to walk this road.

So I am choosing today to try, despite distractions and frustrations with the kids, to cling to the truth.  I'm working on keeping my focus on God.  I am struggling to stay open to Him and keep myself in an attitude of submission and surrender.

It's not an easy process and I am definitely struggling.  It's hard when all I want to do is sleep.

But I am clinging to God - and better yet, He is holding me with His righteous right hand.  His hands are holding me and that's stronger... stronger than any way I could cling to him in my own strength.

Thank you Jesus for holding me.  Thank you for always meeting me where I am at.  Thank you for loving me so much that You became sin for me, so that I might become Your righteousness.  You are so good.  Thank You for Your peace in the midst of depression and pain.  Please continue to uphold me and strengthen me for this road you have me on.  Give me the peace that passes understanding and the joy inexpressible that only comes from you.  I love you - help me to keep falling deeper in love with You every day.

Falling in love

I'm falling in love all over again.

Yes, I really am.  And I never thought it would quite be like this.

First God talked to me about surrendering and letting go.



He started pulling me out and away from people and things in my life that were a significant part of my "normal."

Then, God changed the "surrender" word to "submit," and it was like a light bulb going on.

"Oh.  All of me, he wants me to lay it all down on the alter.... and it's not an "it" at all, its ME He wants."

Yeah, I know.  Sometimes it takes me a while.

Some situations sprang up in my life at that point that forced me to submit because there was no way I was going to handle it all on my own strength.  The only way to get through was to submit my days to Him and rely on His strength, not my own.

There were some really dark days there.

Then God did something to me last week Friday, that has lasted all week.  He helped me really become a part of one of the stories in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 5. It was amazing the changes He did in my heart overnight through that simple account of a woman's healing.

I am only starting to grasp what happened when I reached out to touch the hem of His robe last week.

The story was instrumental in my coming to Christ originally.  I said that in my last post.  But what occurred to me just now, as I was writing this, is that it is also very instrumental in my falling in love all over again.

In the Breaking Free study, Beth Moore talks about how much she is in love with Jesus, and how He is the first and greatest joy in her life... and that she was jealous for all of us to have that type of love relationship with Him.  Then another study, that I just picked up again after a long while, last night no less... made the point about us falling in love with Jesus, because that is what is so contagious to others.  Our head over heels, abandoned love for Jesus.

Really, God?

It hit me this morning and I realized the next puzzle piece has fallen into place.  It fits.

Letting go of the things I esteem so highly, and let God take care of them.
Surrender each and every little piece God points out to me of my heart.
Submit my all to Him so that His plans for me become my plans and I just follow along.

As I thought about all this today, I still felt His call to submit and surrender.  I thought about falling in love again with Him.  I thought about how resistant I felt about that whole idea.  Because I thought it had to look a certain way or something.  I kept thinking, "Well, I can't be like so and so, she has all the time she needs to do whatever to fall in love with You. And I can't be like so and so, because I can't live at that pace, and that seems to be how she falls in love with You."

I kept comparing myself.

Finally I heard God's small voice say, "Stop."
I did.

I felt like He really pointed out to me another area I was resisting Him, another spot where I was telling Him to wait, to hold off, to not get too close to that "thing" there.

I told Him I wasn't going to do that.  That I was going to submit to Him right away.  I had already made that commitment nearly 2 weeks ago.  Yet, here I was telling Him wait again.  But this time, instead of beating myself up over it, it was just another light bulb coming on.

It was immediate surrender.

I don't know what this falling in love with God all over again thing looks like.  Not for me.  I see what it looks like in some lives I am exposed to, near and far.

I told God that I didn't know what to do.

Then He reminded me of what I did when I was first in love with my husband.  We would sit on the couch and I would snuggle up against him with my head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat.

That's what Jesus wants me to do, just settle in with Him and listen to His heartbeat, and let the rest flow from there.  He's got it anyway.  It's His plans.  My life is His.  He is mine.  I am bought, redeemed, loved, His bride.  He loves me so much, so much that it hurts.

I think I am falling in love.
All over again.
With the greatest love of my life.
Jesus.

The bonus is, the more in love with Jesus I am, the more it spills out and over into the ones I love.  I love Jesus more, then I will be able to love my husband and family and friends more.  The more I will look like Jesus and less like me.

Oh, my friends, God is so good.  He is so faithful.  I may have more dark days coming.  I may have more challenges ahead.  I have some coming up in the next few weeks.  But my sweet Jesus is so much bigger, better and stronger than all of that.  He is still speaking if you know how to listen.

Just get real quiet with Him.  Snuggle up to Him and listen for His heartbeat.  It doesn't take long, and it doesn't have to be for long.  Just long enough for you to realize that His heartbeat is for you.

He loves you.
Love Him back with all of your heart!
It's worth falling in love all over again!

Confirmation

It isn't easy when something you are sensing is confirmed by God.

A week ago, Cindy asked me if I felt ignored by her. I told her no, because I know the circumstances she has been going through. We have talked on the phone several times and seen each other at church, but not really had the chance to get together. I was able to tell her "no" truthfully.

I know in my head I am not abandoned by her. I also know that my other friends that I am close to haven't abandoned me either. Some have had other issues that they have had to deal with. Circumstances and odd schedules have caused us to not be able to see each other, or not be able to talk to one another.

It is how life is sometimes. I know that if I needed them, I could call and they would be here in a minute.

So again, I know in my head I am not abandoned. I know it in my heart for the most part too.

But there are still emotions that tug at me, and make me feel so alone.

I wrote that in my journal the other day.

"I feel lonely."

I shared it with Tricia. She confirmed what I felt God has been telling me all along.

Sometimes God allows people, friends to fall away, to the point that our only recourse is to focus totally on Him. In those times of loneliness there are the opportunities to fall away, and to turn to other things for comfort, to allow our focus to be turned away from God. There are the chances that we will stop, stuck in bitterness and frustration and we just hold still and we don't let go.

I have been there. Years ago I was in such a position. Friends were stripped away. I literally felt naked and exposed. From time to time I looked only to God. Other times I tried to make due with other things, whether it was working, reading, TV, anything else to distract me from the pain of betrayal, loneliness and bitterness I felt.

I did hang onto God. Or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That helps me now.

I have not been betrayed now, like I was back then.
I don't feel naked and exposed, like I did back then.

I am vulnerable, like I was. Somehow this feels different. I know I am healthier than I was back then. I feel different and that is a good thing. But I don't want to "muscle through" this on my own strength but rather rely on the strength of my Savior. The cutting away of things is really hard though.

I am loved. I am cared for. My friends are still here, they are still close. But without the closer conversations and contact, and feeling distant because they are having struggles too that they need to focus on, I still feel lonely.

I hate that lonely, empty feeling. I have had it too many times in the past.

I read something a couple of days ago about keeping my gaze so focused on Jesus that the rest of the world fades into background noise. To the point that all I can see is His face. His smile. His delight in me. Then, even if I stumble, even if I fall, even if I falter and get afraid, if my gaze is focused on Him, it will be ok. In the end it will be ok..... and it will be better than ok.

Because more than ever, He will be my all in all.

Then I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend to those I love so much in my life. I will be less of me and more of Him.

But that means I have to trust Jesus right now with everything.

Like I talked about in an earlier post, its about letting go. Tricia confirmed that too - so did another friend I talked to on Wednesday night.

This is all about letting go. Not letting go of friendships and friends and walking away, but trusting God to keep those friendship - trusting my dear friends to His hands (way better than my hands at holding close those I love).

Letting go so that my hands are empty and open to Him to receive from this time what He would have me learn. He would have me learn more deeply that He loves me. He is reliable. I am His beloved, and He is mine.

I still hate this lonely feeling though.
It makes me afraid.
It causes me to flail around looking for some way to connect with someone, or to fill the emptiness.

I know that having everything else cut away for a time is good. It's good for me. Its a refining process. But it still hurts.

I also know it is temporary. It is necessary. I have needed time to grieve, to focus on my family, to get the kids ready for school, to get necessary things done for work.......

....... and God has provided someone else. A friend. A counselor.

With Tricia back in my life - as a counselor - I have had some stability.

There has been the initial regaining of trust, getting to feel comfortable with her, enough to be open and honest and raw. There are still things that I'm afraid to tell her, or I down play the significance of. That will decrease.

God has placed her there as a steadying influence when all else is seeming to go haywire, to keep me focused on Him, to keep me going the right direction, and to point out the things and confirm the things that He is already speaking to me.

I still don't like confirmation of things that seem to be happening in my life.

But God used Tricia to show me that it's ok to have these times, as long as I respond to them, and go through them, in a healthy way. We are going to still be working on these things. It won't go away that easily, but I know that there are reasons behind everything that has been going on.

I need my Jesus more than I ever had before. I am entering new territory, new waters, new challenges, and new opportunities. God is growing me for something through these hard times.

I am praying that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone.

Please pray for me that I will be able to find those times to retreat with God. I need that so badly. I am struggling with how this schedule is going to work with school and dropping kids off and needing time for myself and God in the morning.

If I don't have that time, I am going to find myself quickly leaning on my own strength, and I know from experience that is not a good thing, and won't end well.

He is more than enough for me.

I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

Oh Lord, help me.

Henry's gone to be with Jesus

I've never walked this path before.

Sunday evening, on a dark and rainy 4th of July, Henry passed away.

His children had left minutes before.
Sandy was alone with him.
For ten minutes.

Then he was gone.

Within a half hour Sandy had called all of our small group. She just said, "He's gone. I need you," and we were there with her.

Without saying much more, now I understand what it means when someone says that our body is just a shell - that this body is just a tent.


I've never walked this path before.


Henry's memorial service - a celebration of his life - will be held this Saturday, July 10th. I have been helping put together the memorial folders/cards for it. Assisting in any way I can to help the planning and execution of this go smoothly.


Again, I've never walked this path before.

I have never lost someone really this close to me. If Sandy is like a mom to me, and grandma to my kids, Henry was like a father in many ways to me, and grandpa to my kids.

I also realized yesterday, that I have never dealt with grief or loss in the moment. When bad things happened to me, or I experienced a loss of some kind, I stuffed it. I shut down my emotions. I ignored it. I ran from it. And eventually the pain faded into the background.

In counseling all that came out, one incident at a time, and I worked through those griefs and losses and wounds. But that was an intensive situation.... from past experiences, and so I felt like they were done and over pretty quickly.... if that makes sense.

But this.
This is something entirely different. I am having to walk through this in the moment, as an adult. I am having to do what is expected of me.... different responsibilities. That is fine. I am more than willing to do that.

But I don't know what it looks like to grieve.
I have never done that within the context of the situation - at the time it was happening.

I don't know what it looks like for me to grieve...... and then how do I help someone else too, like Sandy, or like the other members in our small group?

Monday I was so exhausted, I didn't want to even eat. I had a friend over, and she actually went out and got me something from a restaurant because I hadn't eaten pretty much all day, and she sat with me till I ate and until my husband came home from work. My emotions were mostly shut down - numb - in shock I think. I couldn't pray.

Yesterday, I had to come to work.

Still exhausted. Still numb.
But the numb started to alternate with emotions. It took me a while to identify them.

Some was hurt.
Some was anger.

When the church was quiet and I was the only one here, I went into the sanctuary. I didn't want to be there.... but felt drawn I guess. I still didn't feel like I could pray. But I started just talking out loud. Eventually yelling at God.

I sat down with a thud on the steps to the platform, still with my back to the cross, and said,
"Well, at least I'm talking to You now."

Then the tears.

And then they just shut off like someone shut off a faucet.

I pretty much stayed shut down and exhausted the rest of the day.

I feel sick to my stomach at the mere thought of food.
And am still shut down for the most part today - except for the big lump in my throat that won't go away.

And Sandy. I can't imagine what she is going through right now.
The ache of the loss must be unbearable.

She said today that she does something for a little while, and then her mind just blanks out, things get blurry and she just has to stop. That's a God thing, or she would overload herself.

We know that Henry is seeing Jesus face to face, seeing in full what we can only see in part, dimly now.

But we are grieving.
Please pray for Sandy and her son and daughter and two grand kids. Pray for our small group; we have been as close as family with them for at least 6 years. Pray for our church family who has had this couple as part of their body for over 30 years.

Pray for me as I try to process through this. Not having done this before, not having had experience in even being close to someone who has lost a loved one..... pray that I do the right things, say the right things, and that if I don't we all give grace to one another.

I don't want to take attention from Sandy and her needs. I don't want to --- I don't even know how to put it and it sounds selfish and stupid to see it typed out.

I just don't want to "do" this thing before me.... I don't know how to, or even what it looks like for me.... not how others think it should look like, but what God wants it to look like, or how He's created me to work through this as an individual.


I guess part of what it is, is this. I see that Sandy has lost someone, her other half of 47 years. Of course she is going to grieve and mourn. And it's about supporting her and being there for her through this current time, and through the coming weeks, months, years.

I don't think I have gotten past that too much to understanding that I have had a loss too. I mean, in my head, I understand that. But my heart and emotions are telling me to suck it up and to stuff it, and to set it aside because it's more important to help Sandy right now.

So, earlier in the post I can say, "I've never walked this path before" or that I have lost someone close to me, but it really doesn't register that it's a loss for me too. When I start to experience emotion about it, about Henry's death, I am fighting with myself because the instinct is to shut down. Mentally and emotionally.

As I am so infrequent in blogging in the past 8 months or so, I don't know who reads this anymore, but for those of you who do, please do pray for all of us. And, any thoughts you have to help me through this..... I would appreciate it, because the pat "Christian answers" just aren't cutting it for me.

teaching in the midst of distress

It's hard to write when your heart is heavy.

The ups and downs I have been through make it difficult for me to keep my head on straight and keep my gaze focused on Jesus, much less my husband, kids, job, or writing.

Last week was really hard, but late in the week, I felt like my head started to stay out of the water a bit longer at a time. I finally felt like I could breathe again.

I could finally take a deep breath and feel the sun on my face again. What a blessing!

God continually lifts me out of the pit, and he continually renews me, day by day. He lifts me out, refocuses my eyes and mind on Him. He sets my feet upon the rock of my salvation.

God also continues to teach me in the midst of my distress.

I have been struggling with a lot of self image issues lately. I know everyone struggles with them. Maybe I need to go revisit the book "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I had a lot of help from that, and probably need the review.

However, it has gotten pretty severe lately.

Over and over God has pushed to the forefront several different verses, and also kept speaking to me on this.... from before I got hit with this latest round of depression, through it, and now bringing it back to mind..... again and again.

I have a feeling it is something I am not going to be able to escape.

How about this verse to try on for size?

"Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
Forget your people and your father's house.
The king is enthralled by your beauty;
Honor him, for he is your lord."
Psalm 45:10-11

That came to me at the end of April. For the past what, two weeks or so maybe, I have been struggling with them. These verses.... God gave me the image that He is the King who is enthralled with my beauty.
My beauty.

I mean, I can spiritualize that and say that He is just seeing me through the blood of Christ, redeemed and spiritually beautiful. But I don't think that is the point that God is trying to make to me.

Our Pastor's wife shared with us this weekend. One thing she shared, that really spoke right into where I am at, at the moment, was talking about where beauty comes from. It doesn't come from our outward adornment, and in 1 Timothy, Paul says that women should dress modestly with decency and propriety.

Vicki looked up old testament women who were described as beautiful, like Sarah, Rebecca, etc, and found the root word they were translated from.

She found the same root word used in other places. Places like creation when God created Adam and Eve, and then called them good. "Good" in this case, as He talked about His creation, was the same root word.

"tobe" meaning among many other things:

pleasing to look at
favored
blessed
prosperous
happy
cheerful
kind
gracious
proper
fitting
useful
(from Strongs H2896)

Those were all words that embody both "beautiful" and "good."

God sees me as all these things when He calls me beautiful and good.

"The king is enthralled by your beauty;
Honor him, for he is your lord."
Psalm 45:11

How can I deny what He says in His Word? He plainly states he is enthralled with me. I am His beloved. I can rest secure in that.

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." Deut. 33:12

I can rest secure in Him. He shields me. I rest between His shoulders. He carries me, covers me, protects me. And loves me. And is enthralled by me. By my beauty.

Now if only I can like and appreciate and love His beloved like He does, I might be on the right track.

From a devotional...

I got emailed this devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries today. It prompted me to write the following thoughts in my journal.

• **How many times have I given reasons that I cannot be built into God's image?
• **How many times have I totally trashed and torn down part of God's creation (myself)?
• **How many times have I denied access to God - denied Him access to my life and heart?

Yet -

• **In His Word, He speaks the truth to me - ready to meet all my arguments with His Truth.
• **He is ready to always rebuild what I have torn down into something even better.
• **He is holding me - even when I push His love away - and waits. All the time showing me His love, over and over, in His Word, Creation and the Body of Christ.

...till I finally listen and hear
and slow down
and soak in His truth...

In soaking - maybe I will finally allow some more of that truth to really get into the marrow of my bones.

Christ in the overwhelming...

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow. Moving day.

Not for me, but for a friend of mine. She is moving from her parents house, just outside of Milwaukee, to ours. She is going to rent a room downstairs, just off our laundry room. Privacy, and a chance to get established here in the area. A safe place to get on her feet, independent. A chance to grow up.

She is scared, emotionally overwhelmed and spent.

She called me today, in the midst of packing up everything.

She will be leaving behind most of her furniture, as our former office is furnished.

She will be leaving behind her friends and parents (though her parents come up to the area frequently because she has relatives in the area).

She will be gaining the chance to stand on her own, strengthen her walk with Christ, and a supportive church family who is willing to do anything to help her make her way.... new friends... a new job... a new chapter in her life.

We will be gaining a sister in Christ, just learning to make her way. Not only in living on her own and supporting herself.... but also making her way closer to Jesus again.

Please pray for all of us. Pray for us as we embrace her and bring her into our home, our family, our lives, our hearts (though she's already been in our hearts for a long time!)

My hope is that this transition for her will go smoothly, that she will see sure signs from God that this is the right choice to move out and into the new chapter.

I am thankful that the forecast is for good sunny weather tomorrow. We are using 2 pickup trucks to help her move. One has a topper, but the other doesn't.

I find myself struggling with fighting off a cold today. Angela is too.

Please pray with us for a safe trip, for our health, and for the strength and energy to do the whole move.

All I want to do is take a nap, but I find that I am laying expectations on myself. Expectations that no one else is laying on me. That my house (upstairs, not where she is moving into) should be clean and spotless, that I should have everything neat and orderly up there. There is so much cleaning to do, and only a few hours after work to do it in tonight. I have to get to bed early as I will be driving for 6+ hours tomorrow. Just over 3 down, and the same back.

I am more than willing to take the time out and help her. I am glad to do it.

I find myself getting overwhelmed because I am trying to do it in my own strength today. I know I shouldn't be. I don't have to have it all together before I take someone into my home. If I did, I would never take someone in. Because I can never have it all together.

I am so thankful that God's strength is shown perfect in my weakness. My weaknesses are many. But His grace and mercy cover all of them. He loves with a perfect, unfailing love, when my love is weak or half-hearted at best. His hope is an eternal one, when my hope falters in the middle of a circumstance. His joy reigns supreme when my joy strength reaches it's end and I feel I can't go further.

God is so much bigger than we could ever comprehend.... yet He chooses to live with these frail jars of clay that we are, so that through our cracks and imperfections His glorious light can shine for all the world to see.

So, though I feel overwhelmed, imperfect and unable.... in Christ's strength all things are possible.... and His Light is shining in me... through me.

Psalm 103, God at work.

I started my last post with the beginning of Psalm 103... Let me continue the verses here.... because the previous verses kind of left us hanging in the middle of a sentence.

Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits -
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

There are so many things that are going on in my life. It's much more than being busy... though I am that, plus some.

God is speaking into my heart and life in various ways. One way is through the Daniel bible study by Beth Moore.

Another way is by reading through her book, "So Long, Insecurity."

He has been prompting my mind to reflect and think on some of the healing that He's taken me through. I haven't done a lot of journaling about it, and there are so many things rolling through my head, I have hesitated in writing here, because of how likely I am to get off on a tangent.

I will try to catch those in my proofing so that each tangent becomes it's own post! :)

I also have had a hard time writing when my emotions have taken over and I have been so down lately. It has taken too much effort to write. Then when my emotions shut down, there was no motivation to write, because I couldn't share my heart. I couldn't even access it.

Today, as I looked at my memory verses (which are Psalm 103:1-2) I continued reading down the next 3 verses. They really can't go without mentioning.

The beginning of the psalm is a call to praise God... to remember His benefits. Looking up "benefits" in the Strong's Concordance, this is the first definition

H1576
gemûl
(ghem-ool')
From H1580; treatment, that is, an act (of good or ill); by implication service or requital: - + as hast served, benefit, desert, deserving, that which he hath given, recompense, reward.

This helped me a bit to understand the word benefit... that it is something that we have been given or rewarded with. But the root word that it is from (H1580) sheds even more light on it.

H1580
gâmal
(gaw-mal')
A primitive root; to treat a person (well or ill), that is, benefit or requite; by implication (of toil) to ripen, that is, (specifically) to wean: - bestow on, deal bountifully, do (good), recompense, requite, reward, ripen, + serve, wean, yield.

That made even more sense to me. God has bestowed something on us. He has dealt with us bountifully, and has done good to us, He has treated us richly.

It's not something I have deserved, but He has benefited me greatly. Because He loves me, He has lavished that love on me, shown me that love in so many ways.

It does my heart good to think on those things. To meditate on those ways he has dealt so bountifully with me.

Read verses 3-5 over again. Go ahead, scroll back up. I'll wait...

...

There, you back? :)

Look at these short lists, taken right from Psalm 103:3-5. Let them sink into your heart and soul and mind the way they are starting to in mine.

Forgive.
Heal.
Redeem.
Crown.
Satisfy.
Renew.

He forgives all sins.
He heals all diseases (anything that makes you sick, body, mind, heart, soul)
He redeems lives.
He crowns with love and compassion.
He satisfies desires.
He renews youth.

He forgives all your sins.
He heals all your diseases.
He redeems your life.
He crowns you with love and compassion.
He satisfies your desires.
He renews your youth.

God does all this for you. He does all this for me.

I think the enemy was working overtime in my life the past month or so, to hit all my triggers for depression. All my triggers got hit... depression and fear of going down under it again, fears of rejection, fears of failure, worldly guilt from the past, including condemning thoughts that were dredged back up.

All my hang ups came back to the surface. Right now things are getting better. My perspective is being changed, by God, and now I am slowly joining in the effort. I am starting to be able to think clearly enough to refocus my thoughts when they get "off."

God is working in me. I can hear His voice more clearly. I can see His face again. I can feel myself sitting in His lap again.

It has taken me being mindful of what He is doing in my life, and seeing His faithfulness in the past.

I am being "forced" to look at things that are triggering my insecurities and fears.

I think the enemy was using my past struggles and fears, and current ones too, as well as the world and my flesh kicking in, to stop me from what God would have me do.

I think God wants me to examine myself, my life right now, in light of His Truth. Jesus wants me to see myself as I am seen by God through His blood.

I know the truth of who I am in Him. I know that I am holy and clean and consecrated in His sight. My perception of who I am is off, just a little bit and not as bad as it used to be. But it completely affects how I act, what I say, and how I feel about myself.

I feel like God is working on me and in me to have His truth more deeply invade my life, thoughts, beliefs, and ingrained patterns. Then my thoughts and feelings (which I was really drowning in, if you couldn't tell, which is why I disconnected I think) will start to line up with the Truth. I will start to operate out of His Truth, because His Truth will become a deeply set part of my life.

It's not that I don't believe the truth, but now it has to come to a new place. A deeper level.

So that my trust in God and love of Jesus will be deeper and fuller than they are now. So that I more closely follow the promptings of the Spirit.

I want Him to be my all in all.
I want to be able to refocus my thoughts and remember all His benefits when my heart wanders and I feel lost and alone.

Because I am not lost and alone.

I am His and He is mine.

So are you.

Joy, boundaries, and brokenness

I have made a friend in the course of the past couple of months. She is a new believer and gone through some things in her life that have been very difficult. God is slowly changing her thought patterns, and freeing her from her past.

It has been amazing to see the growth in her in just the past couple of months. And that in nothing compared to the changes that have happened in the past couple of years.

To top it all off, she is a single mom of a 16yr old boy. Up to this point, this young man has seen that his mother is "light" and he was "dark" (as he put it in the words he knew).

Very perceptive.

He has had a friend that goes to our church... that he goes to school with. He slowly over the last 4 months or so, would occasionally ask his mom about God. He was willing to listen sometimes, and was glad for her, but it wasn't for him.

The friend that he goes to school with - well, they just became really good friends this year. My friends son, well, just thinks he is awesome, and finally found out that his friend went to our church.

This friend invited him to our youth group 3 weeks ago. He loved it! Then he came to church with his mom and his friend and friend's family. He stayed for the community group/sunday school time after church. He loved it!

He got his first bible from his friend. He started reading it right away!

Last week, he went to youth group again with his friend. Our associate pastor, who helps lead the youth group, spoke very strongly about the importance of making a decision for Christ, especially in the light of Haiti - and you never know when.

Pastor strongly urged the youth to not leave the building that night without knowing where they were going.

My friend's son grabbed Pastor Brad a bit later, and said he wanted to know more about this salvation thing. Pastor Brad grabbed his friend, and the two of them led this young man to the Lord.

Now my friend and her son are both "light." She has her son back, knowing he is Christ's now, and they are learning and growing together. He even came to church this past week, when his mom was working.

God is SO good. What an amazing change! We are still celebrating how God has worked in their lives.

Anyway....

God gave me and my new friend the chance to talk this week... I wasn't too busy at work, and the phone didn't ring too much while we were talking.

He has been helping her draw some boundaries in her life, because she hasn't really known how to do that before. Slowly God is maturing her, not only in relationship with Him, but also growing her emotionally out of where she was stuck for so long.

We have gotten to know each other pretty well in the past couple of months. Especially in the last 4 weeks or so, we have spent some good time together, and shared quite openly.

I had been aware her boundary issues, so it was in the back of my mind, as we grew to know each other... and I was aware of it because I too used to have boundary issues. I still do in some ways, and there are old tapes that play in my head, and I am having to learn new boundaries with my job now.

As we talked this week, she shared how over the past week she had really been struggling and didn't know why. But God finally revealed why to her. She said that she really needed to draw some boundaries for herself. She was realizing that she was starting to slide down a "slippery slope" as she called it. She needed to back off and start over in our friendship. More slowly, instead of jumping in so quickly to getting to know each other. There is much more there, but that is all I am free to share here.

I apologized for calling so much and kind of pushing myself on her - offering to go for coffee or a meal two weeks in a row besides seeing her at church and our small group.

It was a good conversation. I came away from it really feeling ok about it.

After my long weekend at the church, I left a bit early from work on Tuesday. I headed home and was able to spend some time with God. Our senior Pastor had talked about the benefits of self-examination this past Sunday. Without realizing it, that is exactly what I did that afternoon. I spent time before God and sought His guidance and light to shine on anything that I might have done wrong, so that I wouldn't do it again.

Finally, I slept for a bit. Had a rough night's sleep that night, and went to work the next day. Just over the course of the day, through our women's retreat meeting that afternoon, I just became so aware of what the enemy was trying to do, among the leaders, among the women attending, to keep them from coming, to hinder their time at the retreat.

At about 4pm, Wednesday I got the church to myself. Everyone had left early to eat and rest up for the night of youth, AWANA, etc. I wandered my way into the sanctuary.

There I kind of had a melt down. I am ashamed to say that God revealed pride in my heart towards my relationship with my friend. What arrogance! And what childishness too, in the way I was reacting within myself to our conversation from the day before.

I can "defend" myself by saying it seemed to tap into some old insecurities and rejections, and that was part of what I was reacting to. But God just took the time to reveal areas that I hadn't been honoring Him in.

I repented and spent significant time at the foot of the cross in there. Seeking forgiveness. Interceding for the women coming on the retreat. Interceding for my friend. Seeking wholeness and healing for myself. Asking God to fill the emptiness and help lift my depression, rather than me seeking relief in other people, other things, etc.

I spent a great deal of time in tears before God. Broken. Again. And how fitting considering that our retreat has that theme!

Yesterday really was a pretty good day, but the closer I got to the evening, and to small group where I would see my friend, I got more nervous.

It was silly really. I mean, we would see each other, but there would be others around, and it would be easier for us to step back from each other within that context.

As I got there, we talked around the table during our meal, and I was able to share how much I felt the retreat really was under attack, and that each of us involved or going were under attack too.

I found it hard to look at my friend when I was talking, at least when she was looking back - I don't know, I just was so unbalanced feeling. Not because of anything she did, not because of anything really that we had talked about.

The more I look back on it, it just really felt like my emotions and thoughts weren't clear. I feel now, looking back that it was all a haze last night. I hardly remember the beginning part of the evening... at least not the details.

I feel like I didn't handle anything well at all, and am afraid that I made my friend even more uncomfortable, and that I need to apologize to her. Anything that I did last night had nothing to do with her, or how she treated me, or that she had spoken with me. It had everything to do with me.

I hope and pray that it doesn't affect her coming to small group, coming to the retreat - anything.

I mean, I suppose that I should expect all this unsettledness, prior to the retreat. I got some good work done on the worship for the weekend yesterday morning. I feel more ready. I also get this coming Tuesday off so that I can spend more time in preparation.

As you can see - I still really need prayers.
I need balance in relationships.
I need clear guidance from God.
I need wisdom in speaking with my friend, to apologize to her.

I need that broken, contrite, and humble heart that God will not despise.

I need my thoughts and emotions to line up with God's truth, not the lies the enemy is throwing at me.

I also need to trust that my pouring out my heart here won't be misinterpreted... or hurtful to anyone else.

So, today is a mix of joy for my friend and her son, who gets to tell his story, and his testimony this Sunday in front of church, as a God at work... and a mix of sadness, depression, and brokenness.

So this post ends up being that mix as well. I am praying that even in the midst of the turmoil that I can find God's joy and God's peace.

And some heat in this house! (It is -6 outside right now, and our infloor heating can't keep up with the leaky windows we have here!!!!! Shiver... but I'm so grateful for the heat that we do have!!)

May you also find that joy and peace.

Advent of Trust #13; First trust

When was the first time you trusted Jesus?

I mean REALLY trusted Him?

Our pastor shared a story with us this Sunday.

He went out hunting a few times this week, on a piece of property he isn't that familiar with. But he knew that when he walked out from where he parked his car, he would get to a point in the path where he had to do was start walking due east and he would land right at a huge pine tree, where his stand was.

He got up early, left his vehicle, made sure he had his compass in his pocket and his head lamp with him. He headed down the path and eventually got to the point where the path forked. He pulled out his compass, turned on the lamp and then realized he had a problem.

He didn't have his reading glasses with him.

He stood there for a long time, trying to decide which little letter on the dial was east and which was west. He tried to decipher the little illuminated markers around the dial... made his choice and started walking.

Pretty soon.... well you know what happened.

He came to a spot he had never seen before. There was this road cutting through the woods, probably an old fire trail. He walked up and down it for a few moments, his blood pressure rising. He could hear the sound of the highway, but couldn't quite tell where it was. It was cloudy so he couldn't get his bearings from the sun.

And there he stood. His frustration at himself rising,

He realized then, so this is what it feels like to be lost.

Then something happened.
An angel appeared.

Well, ok, not an angel per se, but another hunter in blaze orange walked out of the woods into the clearing. When our pastor explained what had happened, the other hunter pointed out that he had walked north east, not straight east. He pointed him back towards the southwest, and our pastor found his way home.

He knew where home was. He was lost, and needed someone to point him in the direction of home.

You see, he was raised in the church, so he never before really felt "lost" before, or the desperate need for a Savior, for someone to point him in the right direction, to show him the path.

He asked us to think back and remember, if we could, what it was like when we were lost. Did we realize our desperate state right away? Did it take a crisis to realize it?

I was walking along fine in the woods of high school, had a general idea of the path to go, into college, graduate with a music ed degree and then teach. As I reached the end of high school, graduated, and looked ahead to going into college, I still thought I could figure my way out.

I got into college and loved the courses I had, but was lost in the "woods" of people with no connection to anyone. I was completely alone, wasn't sure of my way anymore or if I was headed the right direction.

Then through some equally lost friends, inviting me to be part of a Christian musical, Jesus found me and pointed me in the right direction. I trusted Him to know the way better than I did. He led and I followed, knowing without being told much about Him right away, that He knew what He was talking about.

It didn't mean that the bumps were taken out of the path, or that the branches didn't grab at me or stumps and logs trip me up. But it did mean that I always have had a compass with which to take a good sighting and find the path again toward home.

As long as I trust my Compass, I will always go the right way.

So, what happened to make you realize you were lost in the woods? Are you still? Do you need to just trust that Person who has stepped out of the woods to show you the right direction to go?

May this be your first Advent of Trust, or may you renew your trust in a new, deeper way.