The right Garden...

I read something recently comparing the Garden of Eden with the Garden of Gethsemane.   

The different men in them.

They were both wrestling.

When you read the beginning of Genesis, you don’t see the wrestle.  But it’s there.  It’s implied between the lines.  If you’ve been walking in the garden with God, in freedom and love and trust, there is a wrestle to move away from that.  How difficult the wrestle is sometimes depends on how long you’ve been walking with God, and how deeply you have believed Him.

The thought that God didn’t really have their best at heart must have been like a knife.

The thought that God was holding something out on them, or denying them something they hadn’t even thought to have asked.  Painful.

To have the truth twisted just a little bit, turned a minute hair, and the wrestle was over.

The choice was made.

They ate.

And then they saw, really saw.

Oh, I have lived so long wishing that my eyes had never lost their innocence!  Wishing that different choices had been made.  Wishing I had won my wrestlings, and thus stayed close to God.

How much regret and guilt and shame must have weighed Adam down.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, there was another wrestle.  A hard fought one.

The thought of what God was asking Him to do must have been like a knife.

The thought that God might find another way to work out His purposes, yet be choosing Him to suffer.  Painful.

Through the wrestle, maybe Jesus’ emotions cried out terribly to not even have to make a choice.  Maybe He didn’t want to.  I know there have been times when I have been forced to make a choice and all I have wanted to do was run away.  But in the running, that is a choice as well.

I have lived with the agony of emotions torn apart.

Jesus did that night in His garden.

Jesus’ choice was made.

He ate.

In His eating, He saw, really saw, the depths and the heights.

His eating took time.  Painful, pain filled time.  Torture, separation from His Father, death… but then, glorious resurrection!

In the Garden of Eden, Adam made a choice.  It was a choice to believe the lies, and not God.

Adam chose unbelief.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, when Jesus cried out, “Not my will but Your’s be done,” He made a choice.  His choice was to believe the truth, believe His Father.

Jesus chose belief.

Belief.

Trust.

In our gardens of wrestling, where are we going to land?

Are we going to be in the right garden?

Am I?

Am I going to be in the right garden with Jesus, crying out, “Not my will Father, but Your’s be done!”  Or will I succumb to the lies and the subtle and not so subtle traps of the enemy in the wrong garden and tell God that I am going to do it my way, not His?

If I pick the second, I am choosing unbelief.  That’s the start to all other sins. If I don’t believe God for something, I am going to try to fix it on my own, try to escape whatever is bothering me, and land myself in more sin and trouble.

If I pick the first, I am choosing to believe my Living God.  Actively believing God means trusting Him with my all.  Me.  My life.  My family.  My job.  My church.  My future.  All of it is in His hands.  His plans are the best for me. 

That active belief produces life altering peace like nothing else I have ever experienced.

I want to always end up in the right garden, the Garden of Gethsemane.

Yes, it was filled with pain.  Yes, it was filled with tears.  Yes it was filled with wrestling, sweating to the point of blood.  Horrid wrenching emotions, nearly leading to despair. 

But it is a Garden filled with God. 

It is a Garden in which  I can walk with Him.

It is a Garden I can be free and unashamed…. Even unashamed of the emotions the wrestling has pulled out of me.

It is the right Garden.

The Garden of Belief.

Telling the truth

My appointment last week was successful in that by the end of it, I was in enough a better state from when I went in.  Tricia talked with me for the hour, just walking me through the memories, thoughts and lies I was struggling with.

At the end, she looked a little bit relieved and said that I seemed to be doing better than when I came in.  She asked if that was wishful thinking, and I said no, I did feel better.



I went back to work this week, after a VERY snowy and cold weekend, and got through the first two days relatively well.  It feels like the memories have faded some to the background.  Not maybe that they have faded, but that I have been allowed to ignore them and live above them for the time being.

However, yesterday, I started having my anxiety ramp up.  It started with trying to help our pastor with a computer problem, then solving other problems, and by the end of the day, I was so frustrated.  As I was coming home, my anxiety was going higher.  I had to take the kids to their Wednesday night church activities, and by the time they were dropped off, I had to get out of the town, over the bridge to the nearest McDonald's.  Sounds weird, but I just needed a spot to park and breathe, and as I needed to eat, that was the first place I thought of.

I grabbed my phone and tried calling Cindy D. first, but we were able to talk for only a few minutes, long enough for me to tell her about the anxiety attacking me right then.  Then I tried calling my best friend, Cindy, but she was so sick, she wasn't even able to answer her phone.

I realized that God just wanted me. 

So I grabbed my bag and went inside McDonald's, got some food, and then settled down to eat, read and journal.  I had gotten a book from a friend, so I read through some of that and made notes about what hit me and what I felt like God was saying to me.

I am much more stable than I was last week.  Partially because, well, because I am being a better girl than I was last week.

You see, I had my appointment with Tricia last Monday, but the week before that I started fighting with myself about taking my anti-depressant.  I don't really know why, but I didn't want to take it.  I thought I was doing better, and as I had a counseling appointment coming up, I wanted to be able to "feel" the emotions (not that I can't now... but I think they can be much more intense - and painful as I learned) as I was going through the appointment.

So, I started slacking off on taking it.  Like skipping two days, taking it one, skipping 3 days and then having my Monday appointment.  Then I don't really remember when I took the next one, maybe Tuesday night after I got home from my friends house... after my day full of panic attacks. 

When I talked with Tricia on Thursday at my added in appointment, she said that she had brought up my case in her collaberation that morning because she was concerned that I was going backwards rather than forwards.  She said that two different people had asked if she knew if I was taking all my medications.  She told me she would have never thought to ask that, so asked me if I had been taking them all.  I said that I had missed a "couple" of the anti-depressant.  When she asked why, I froze, and then blurted that I had lapsed between refills.  When she asked again how many I had missed, I told her 2-3.

I out and out lied to her.

Why would I lie to someone that I profess to trust, who has walked with me through so much?  I have never lied to her that blatantly before!  I don't get it.

Once I started taking my meds again and started to think more clearly, I started asking myself this, but shying away from God just yet.

Yesterday, it really came to a head as I talked with a friend again on the phone.  No one knew about my not taking my medication, except for one friend and his wife whom I told through an email.  At one point, she asked me why I was having a hard time doing something else Tricia had asked me to do, and if I was going to tell her.  When I said I wasn't sure, she asked me why, because she knew that I was pretty brutally honest with her.

Then I just spit it out and told her that it was because I hadn't been honest about some other things.  There was some silence on the other end of the phone as she thought a minute and then she said that she wasn't going to ask if I didn't want to tell her.  So, I blurted it out about how much of the meds I had missed, and that I had purposely done it.

It was hard to say, but good I think, because I needed to say it to someone real, someone who knows me in real life, who can get right up to me, in my face, and find out if I am taking them or not... or at least, she won't mother me, but is someone I can go to if I am struggling with it.

Now though, she made me realize that I have to tell Tricia.
and I don't want to.
I don't want to disappoint her.

She asked me if I was punishing myself.  We had talked the previous day about the little things, like not eating well, or staying up too late, or not taking care of my hand well enough - and as random comments popped out of my mouth, it became apparent that I really didn't think highly enough of myself to take care of myself the way I should.  It's way better than it used to be, but still, not where it should be.... still lies there to be uncovered and dealt with.

So she asked me if I was punishing myself.  If I thought that I didn't deserve love (or I would insert here peace, joy or freedom) enough so I was delaying the healing process by not taking my medication correctly.

Honestly, I don't know.  I guess maybe I have been in a way.  I think I knew that my body/emotions were going to react that way because of not taking the meds.  And I didn't care.  It isn't too hard for me to do something that will inflict emotional pain on myself.  Leave some issue unresolved, and then stop taking medications, and self sabotage.

At one point yesterday I said to myself, and to God that I really didn't want to live with that 19-20 year old that did those things, and that was subjected to those things back in college.  I blurted out (I was alone in the sanctuary) that she really should just die. 

I heard those words echo through the sanctuary, and I looked to the front, at the cross. 
Then said, "She really doesn't deserve to die, because neither does anyone else I have talked to, that I know who have been abused or made bad decisions."

Then I left a question hanging in the air and walked out of the sanctuary.

"Now that we are all forgiven and covered by Your blood, do we still deserve to die, anyway?"

The obvious answer is that by God's mercy and grace, He wants to heal us from those things in our past that have hurt us so.  I know that.  But there is part of me that just wants to crush that girl who was, and grind her out of existence so I don't have to think about her anymore.

What God really wants me to do is to embrace her... go back to her as the adult I am now and embrace her and give her the love that she wasn't getting from another human being, and through that, point her to God.  Point her to the truth.  In so doing, I will open the door (with God's help) to Him coming in and healing her, healing me and there will be no more "her" and "me" but there will be "I."  I will be more whole, more integrated, more healed, and more able to deal with other pains, or resolve other conflicts and grow up some more.

One of the most effective ways for me to go back and embrace that little girl that needs love so much is through the process of EMDR, as Tricia guides me through it.  God has healed me so much, and so quickly many times, and so effectively, using that process. 

But from experience, I have learned that it doesn't work very well when there are barriers between you and your therapist.  Whether she knows of it or not.  I have had times where we have gotten blocked and when God finally led me to tell her something, as we started the EMDR God met me in a powerful way.

If I want to have Tricia help me and guide me through the process of EMDR dealing with these past memories that have become so current and fresh, I need to be honest with her.  Which means, I have to tell her about the medication and how I purposely stopped taking it.  I need to be able to let go and let down all the barriers.  If something is keeping me from telling her the full truth, then it means I don't trust her fully for one reason or another.

At least, I think so.  I don't know.  Maybe it isn't that I don't trust her fully.  Maybe it's that I am afraid that she is going to be disappointed with me.  I look up to her.  I don't want to disappoint her, or cause disapproval.  I think I'm afraid that she is going to just dismiss last week as all about the lack of medication.  I know the lack of medication intensified everything, every emotion, but there was more behind it than that.  I couldn't think very clearly or claim the truth for myself, but I was experiencing (probably too closely) the things that had happened in my past and I wasn't able to shut it down, I didn't have control.  The inability to control what was going on emotionally, or to think clearly was from the medication.

Maybe the desire I have to not take the anti-depressant is because I am scared of what this time from January to March will look like if I were more healed and whole and on my meds and more stable.  I mean, that's whole new territory for me.  And it's scary.  This is my familiar.  This is what I know.  The ups and downs, the anxiety and depression, the fear and darkness.  To have a possibility of walking in the light again is scary.

But as I read in Psalm 139 today, even if I want the darkness to cover me and the light to become night around me, even the darkness is like light to God, and it shines like the noonday.  No matter what I do, God sees, He knows the motives of my heart, He understands, and He still loves.  Even this fearful, trembling girl who's afraid to walk forward and this fearful, angry adult who wants to crush out the past.

He still loves.

Oh God, help me cling to Your truth!

it's all I've got - no energy to pretend

I don't have the energy to act like things are good, when they aren't.

Not today.

I was able to enjoy time with my kids, and with their grandmother.

Then I left the farm, and headed on some errands. On the way, I checked my home answering machine remotely. There was a message there from Cindy D. As soon as I got to a parking lot where I had good cell reception, I parked and called her.

She is such an encouragement to me, though she doesn't realize it. She is going through so much herself, yet at the same time is so willing to listen to me talk, ask tough questions and share what she is learning as she heals and grows to help me.

We talked for quite a while. By the time I got off the phone, I at least felt like I could drive again, with some sort of attention to the road.

Essentially I was "running away from home" for a while tonight. I wanted to get away from my normal, so that I wouldn't go back to my "normal" mode of behaviors.

By the time I got to the grocery store (keep in mind, after talking with Cindy D. I only went to one other store - briefly) I was exhausted.

One of my friends works there, the wife of our small group leader. She happened to not have any customers, so I was able to talk with her just for a few minutes. When asked how I was doing, I couldn't just say "good." I couldn't. I told her I was ok, that I was really tired and that I missed her and her husband. I was able to tell her that I was struggling, but that was about it as she got a customer at that point.

I got home and ate, and am now writing this.

I am doing better than I was. I felt like I had a small victory tonight and was able to get through. I spent a small amount of time with God - mostly praying as I was walking around the house doing things. Talking to Him more than listening, I think, but it was all I had in me.

I am still fighting the depression, but hope that some sort of semblance of sleep tonight will help me feel better in the morning than I did this morning.

Still a couple of lines from Psalm 143 stick with me.... tonight before I fall asleep.

I may not have them quoted perfectly, but here it goes...

I spread out my hands before you, my soul/heart thirsts for you like a parched land.

and...

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love....

Friends, I am praying tonight that this coming morning will bring me word of His unfailing love. I need the reminder tomorrow morning especially if it is anything like this morning - I need the reminder tonight.

The only thing I left out of the end of that last verse is ...for I have put my trust in you.

I have put my trust in him.... but have I trusted Him with everything in my heart? There is still some holding back there, though I know the right answer. Though I know that eventually I will let Him into "that" place too. Maybe the pain isn't great enough for me to finally give in.

Why does it always end up being that way? The pain needing to be great enough for me to finally cave in and allow Him to heal?

Trusting.

That's a whole other post, and not one this tired soul can go into tonight.

Maybe more on that tomorrow, if I have my thoughts gathered at all.

I don't have the energy tonight.

Not to act like things are good - and not to write well - and not to gather thoughts completely.

this is all I've got, and it's not much... but I guess I'll post it anyway.... it's just where I'm at.

In the grip of lies...

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. There is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

So, that is where I left you in my last post.... Now, if you haven't read that post, you do need to go back and read it HERE because this one hinges on that one.

Go on. I'll wait for you...

Ok, read it now?

Good.

Now where to go from here....

Oh yes, I was talking about living in an intimate relationship with Christ as our husband - that being the reconciliation that begins at forgiveness.

My next thoughts in my journal were:

Can I trust Him as my Husband? Is this where I am getting stuck? Trusting Him to love me and not leave me, not abandon me?

Talk about a loaded question!

I mean, I have traveled a long way in these two years of blogging. I have gone through a lot of healing, and a lot of it very transparent here. There are somethings, that for the sake of others I have kept off of the public forum. God has healed those as well.

God has taught me, over and over, how much He loves me. I know He does, and believe it with all my heart...

So I thought, until those words above came flowing out.

I think God is leading me deeper... to a deeper love. I have needed the love of Him as my Father... but now I need to know His deeper, more intimate love.... and trust it too. Know and believe it.

At the end of the sermon, our pastor gave us a time of reflection.

I wrote:

Oh Lord, can You possibly love this? This person that I am when I turn away from Your promptings?

The impression of His answer that I got and wrote down....

Who are you to tell me what to do with My love. I give it to whom I choose. I choose you and will not take it back. I do not love as men love.

How do you even respond to that, except with tears.

------------------------

Later a question was asked in our community group time that I am going to ask here.

What keeps you from living with the awareness of God's passionate love for you?

What keeps me from living with that awareness?

• I believe things that are not true.
• 
  
• I feel that God is going to do to me what others have - betray me and hurt me in the same ways, reject me and leave me alone in despair.
• 
  
• I believe the lies, wondering if I can really trust Him. Can I really believe, dare I believe what He says? That He is who He says He is, that He will do what He says He will do, that I am who He says that I am?

I need to believe the truth. I need to believe God's truth. I need to trust Him. I know it, but I need it to sink down deeper into my heart.

I am only now really starting to explore all of this. I am only now letting God crack open that door in my heart where I am broken and can't fix me. Where I have been running from.

I don't want to run.
I don't want to just cope.
I don't want to hide from God by doing other things.

I want to trust Him when I am anxious to calm me.
I want to trust Him when I am depressed to save me.
I want to trust Him when I feel empty to fill me.

I want to trust Him to satisfy my every hunger and thirst with Himself, rather than trying to fill myself with worldly pleasures that lead to pain and bondage... even if they are "harmless."

I don't want find myself waking up with regret in the morning because I indulged the night before.

The enemy is trying to rob me of the joy of the Lord which is my strength. He wants me to believe the lie that I can't trust God to keep loving me when I do wrong and hurt His heart.

That's really what it is. I have done some things that I know God is asking me not to. And guess what? I feel guilty. I will be doing them and even say out loud, "God I know you don't want me to do this, and I'm sorry. I already feel guilty." But in my pride and arrogance, stubbornness and willfulness, I keep on doing whatever it is.

Then I question myself later, and wonder how He could still possibly love me, when I totally stiff arm Him like that?

So I continue to run, because I don't want to see the dying embers of a Husband's love for me, flicker and go out.

I thought I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved me, flaws and all, past and present and future. I really did.

But it seems that there is more deep down, a hurt deep down that I haven't let God's love fully invade.

Here is my final prayer from my journal, from Sunday.

I need Your unconditional, passionate, crazy love to touch my heart in a deeper way than before. To loosen the grip of the lie.

The lie that I am not worth anything - that I am an object to be betrayed - that You will withdraw Your love from me - that You will take your hand off me.

Oh Lord, this hurts to look at. Yet there it is. There I am. It's ugly. The lie is ugly... and knowing its there, after all this time.... that I still believe that somewhere inside..... after all the hard work I have done.... after all the healing God has done.....

When God has proven Himself over and over to me, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, why do I still doubt Him? How can I allow the enemy in there so easily? Why is it so easy for me to surrender sacred ground, rather than stand and fight for it?!

I feel like such a fool when all God is doing is asking for another piece of my heart to heal back into the whole... and I am clenching it, while my hands are being cut to ribbons by it. I'm bleeding all over the place, and am trying to pretend that there is nothing wrong, when it's very obvious that something is terribly wrong.

I need to spend these last few minutes I have alone for the night with my Jesus, who wants me to come sit in His lap.

If you didn't read the link just above, about my heart, read it HERE. Because I need to remember that healing, and the truth in that, rather than the lie that is beating me down and holding me back.

If I can just let go and surrender to God.
Be broken before him.

I am broken inside.
Broken before Him is the only way I will be healed.

Advent of Trust #24 and 25

I am a bit behind with my Advent posts.... ok, two behind. Byt there are some reasons... really! :)

The day after Christmas, and it is relatively quiet here. Peter is playing behind me. Marina is at the farm. The kids and I are all sick... I didn't get it till yesterday, and Peter relapsed last night. Probably too much excitement and traveling and late nights.

I didn't get to post the last couple of days because we traveled a lot in the bad weather. I either had no internet access, or no time to get on the computer.

We had a huge winter storm come in, and had to drive from here to Madison in bad weather on Christmas Eve. Thankfully we were able to get there and once we got through the freezing rain that was happening near us, we were just contending with wet roads, rain and bad drivers around us.

We had a wonderful time with my family that day, and it was a great time for all of us to reconnect again.

God has blessed us so much with a wonderful family.

We went to Madison prepared to spend the night because the weather was supposed to be worse that evening. But we decided, partially because Dave had to work Christmas day, and partially because we had a friend in Madison who was trying to make it to Mosinee that night, to push through and try to make it home.

We packed up the kids, drove to the north side of Madison in wind and rain, and met up with Matt. Then we hit the road, with Matt following us in his car. Things were wet, but fine until just north of Portage, WI.... then went downhill from there.

Snow, sleet, freezing rain and wind.
Crazy drivers passing us at breakneck speed.

Several slide offs and spin outs were passed. But not one of them ended up being us. Praise God!

We averaged anywhere from 50 miles an hour to about 30 miles an hour. When we made it home, we unwound a bit, and then turned over our office to Matt and went to bed about 1:30am.

I woke up at 8:30, and as quickly as we could we partially unpacked Dave's car from the Madison trip, threw our presents for Dave's family into my car, and headed for the farm. We had several celebrations with Dave's family (some family that was leaving town this morning, and then his parents and brother, then some friends of the family who came over).

I took a nap in the afternoon (BLISS!!!) in between celebrations. Peter and Marina played with family, toys and watched a movie. They had a wonderful time.

We had such a good time with everyone.

God blessed us this year. Even with the horrible weather, and our long traveling.

We are coming down off the "high" of Christmas and are so grateful for our family and friends.

We gave one of our son's friends a bible. Her first. She is a reader, and was so excited about getting it, that she started reading it right away.... as in, took it to a back bedroom, and had me help her learn how to look up a scripture verse she had memorized in AWANA, then started reading in Genesis. She read the first 3 chapters in Genesis last night before bed, her mom told me.

She just started going to AWANA this year with Peter. She has loved it, memorizing loads of verses at a time, and now finding great enjoyment in having her own bible.

I remember at the beginning of the year being hesitant at getting the kids involved in AWANA because of the time commitment of it. Now, I can see the fruits of trusting God with it, not only in my own kid's lives, but also the life of someone else who was touched through that ministry... including this little girl's family as well.

I hope that God will help me remember to trust, no matter what is going on around me. He has shown me the fruits of that trust this year, this season of Advent, and just these past few days. Lives influenced and changed, amazing outcomes of surgery, healing bodies and hearts and emotions, safe travels and a friend home safe.

He is so good.

I hope that you have learned as much as I have through this journey through Advent of Trust. May I leave you with one more encouragement from God's word.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to Him,
For God is our refuge.
Selah."
Psalm 62:8

Advent of Trust #23; getting a "no?"

This devotional entry from "Jesus Calling," by Sarah Young is very appropriate for tonight.

December 23
"I am King of kings and Lord of lords, dwelling in dazzlingly bright Light! I am also your Shepherd, Companion, and Friend - the One who never lets go of your hand. Worship me in my holy Majesty; come close to Me, and rest in My Presence. You need Me both as God and as Man. Only My Incarnation on that first, long-ago Christmas could fulfill your neediness. Since I went to such extreme measures to save you from your sins, you can be assured that I will graciously give you all you need.
Nurture well your trust in Me as Savior, Lord and Friend. I have held back nothing in My provision for you. I have even deigned to live within you! Rejoice in all that I have done for you, and My Light will shine through you into the world."
Page 374

I am working on nurturing that trust in Jesus as my Savior, Lord and Friend. I am working on remembering that if God gave us His one and only Son, how would He not graciously give us all things.

It is such a beautiful truth that God knows what is best for us, even when we ask for something we think is good... if it really isn't, He will say no.

I might get my "no" tomorrow when Dave goes out in the morning to "test" how bad the roads are to determine if we can make it to Madison or not. I might get God's "no." Whether that is because we are not supposed to go now, because we could get hurt or stuck in the storm... or because we will be harmed by trying so hard to squeeze too much into such a short amount of time.

Maybe a "no" will be God's way of getting us to slow down a bit more these next couple of days.

I don't know.

That may never be explained....

I mean, what if we head out, and feel it's safe in the morning, and end up stuck, in a ditch or worse? God knows all... He knows what will happen tomorrow and the next couple of days. Maybe He will let us in on it, and again, maybe He won't.

Either way, I know that He will work out all things for the good of those who love Him. He will work out all the situations of this weekend for our good and, more importantly, for His glory.

Now, will my head please tell that to my heart?

Advent of Trust #22; I WILL TRUST

From Dictionary.com

Trust:
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

I will not trust in my car, I will not trust in the weather, or the weather man!

I will not trust in presents to make me happy.

I will not trust in my family to make me happy and give me a sense of worth.

I WILL TRUST in the name of the Lord, by whom I am saved.

I WILL TRUST in God the strength and shield of my life. He will keep me safe and preserve my life. He knows when I will leave this earth, just as much as He planned when I came into it.

No matter the weather, I will celebrate Christmas with my family in the next two days. That means, even if the weather precludes our travel to Madison to see my family, I will still celebrate with my family. Celebrate that Jesus came and was born and grew up as a man, and died and rose again as the Living God.

God is good, and in the uncertainties of life... even of these couple of days of crazy weather, I will trust in Him.

Advent of Trust #20; Listen the first time

Today we sat up at the very front of church. It's something that my son insists on. He wants to be near the very front, because his AWANA leader sits in the front, and he wants to sit right behind her.

So there we were in the second row, when my 3 3/4 yr. old daughter, Marina, decided to cop an attitude with me. I don't remember what it was about. I just know that during the sermon, she started pouting and loudly telling me "no" about something. Right in front of Pastor Kim.

Yeah.

That didn't go over so well with me.

I made sure she understood that if she didn't quite down we were out of there. She made more noise, and I moved her to the aisle, picked her up and made my way to the back of the church.

She started to put up a fight, kicking her legs (imagine me holding her facing away from me, sitting as if my arms were a seat... then her arching her back and kicking at the same time....)

Then she realized that everyone in the church could see her.
Everyone.

Because. we. were. in. the. front.

She stopped fighting me and I started hearing her stifling her cries.

By the time we were near the back row, she had clapped both hands over her mouth to keep her crying "inside."

As soon as we got out the doors of the sanctuary, she stopped stifling the cries, and let loose.... all the way back to the library.

There we had some privacy for some discipline. A short talk, then we walked back into the sanctuary. Marina was much better the rest of the service.

Aren't we like my daughter sometimes?

We know what we are supposed to do, we have freedom within certain limits. But we push our limits, and are reminded to stay within them or there will be consequences. Sometimes we listen. Other times, well, not so much.

When we don't listen, God has to take us, and discipline us. Sometimes we look for sympathy from others... sometimes we know and dread what's coming, and stifle our cries till we can't any longer.

But when we finally submit, surrender and seek forgiveness, how quickly the relationship is restored!

I wish I would learn to "listen the first time" as I tell my children. If I only listened the first time to my Father, I would be so much better off. I can't tell you how much grief I would have been spared, had I only listened the first time.

I am resolving to try to listen the first time to God. Even when I don't want to, or would rather drag my feet. As I have read, and tried to instill in my kids, "Slow obey is no obey." Resisting doing what God says, or telling Him that I will do it later is not obeying Him.

It's just like my daughter. She might have finally obeyed me this morning, without my having to take her out of the service. What would she have learned? It was OK to do what mommy wanted you to do, in your OWN timing, not mommy's.

Overall lesson learned? If someone wants you to do something, you can take your time at doing it... as long as it finally gets done, after lots of asking and pleading and threats.

That wouldn't apply very well to her relationship with God.

And it doesn't work very well in my relationship with God either.

Let's just say that if I had listened to God a month ago about something, I would have saved myself a month of stuffing, anxiety, fear, frustration and overall stress.

It boils back down to something I have been finding over and over again this month.
TRUST.
Trust in God.

If I fully trust Him, if He has proven Himself trustworthy (and He has) then I need to settle in for the ride and trust Him.

No matter what He tells me to do.

Just as it hurts my heart when my kids don't trust something I say, or trust me enough to do something I want them to that's out of their comfort zone, how much more does it hurt our Father's heart when I don't trust Him?

I don't want to do that any more.

Let's work together.

Let's "listen the first time."

Advent of Trust #19; a family

About 3 weeks ago or so, our small group leader called everyone in the small group to see if we were ok with a couple of new people coming to our group.

We all said yes, and so this week was the 3rd week they have been with us.

I was concerned about how they would fit in, and if they would feel at home. I have been hosting lately because the kids have been with us every week, because of my work schedule now. So, everyone comes here, so that I can get the kids to bed on time, so that they aren't too tired the next day with school and all.

I was nervous too, about having two new people coming in. I mean, I clean for small group coming over, but finally got over my perfectionism enough to be able to let some things go when my friends came over. However, with two new people coming, I found myself getting all tied in knots and unable to focus on one thing at a time!

You know what? I should have trusted God in the first place when we were asked to fold two new people into our small group. Hmmm..... You think???

I let my mind and my preconceived ideas take over, and was unable to relax.

This past week, the kids happened to be gone at the farm for the night. I was able to really relax and enjoy everyone.

After talking with one of the gals a bit as we were making coffee drinks for everyone, and after our discussion in the living room later.... I realized that this was for all of our good and for God's glory. It was good for us to shake up our normal conversations, and comfortable assumptions.

Having two new gals here to question us, and seek answers from God, search the word with us, and share their experiences, has been invigorating... at least for me.

God showed me again to TRUST HIM, even with changing up some of our dynamics within our small group.

This Sunday (the 20th) after church, our small group is gathering with my husbands family to celebrate my son's and my birthday. One of our new members is going to join us out there. I am so thrilled, because I want to get to know her. She is warm and genuine, though she is a bit standoffish in the beginning, she has grown in just the past couple of weeks to open up to us and share.

I am thankful that God has brought both of these precious women into our small group. God has led a unique bunch of people together, bonded us with His love and trust in Him. He has united us in one purpose, to seek Him first, build up and encourage one another, and to learn what it is like to live, love and serve together, as a family.

I am grateful to have been called to such a position in such a family.
I am grateful that He helped me to trust Him enough to open up and trust this family He brought me into.

Advent of Trust #18; trusting Him in reconciliation

I have been struggling with learning how to deal with conflict and make reconciliation a priority in my life.

Facing fear, trusting God to work things out, and speak to people with whom we might be in conflict, takes a lot of gumption.

It's not something that comes easy for me.
For anyone!

Through the process, God has given me opportunities to reconcile with people. I have had the chances to talk to people in my life that I have felt tension with. He has been faithful to work them out. The conversations were not easy, by any means, but useful in setting my mind at rest.

Now I need to work on my part of it. Some of that is not allowing myself to "dredge up" old feelings based on misconceptions. Part of that is renewing my mind. Reminding myself that this person or that person did not intent what I assumed. Therefore, my feelings are based on a lie.

That has been hard, because if I start allowing myself to dwell on the hurts I feel, I find bitterness creeping in. That is not what God has intended for me. I have to stop the feelings and make sure that things are lining up with God's word, in my head. If my thoughts are not lining up with the truth, then I have no business thinking them!!!

Dealing with some of these stressful situations and relationships now has led to some more peace.

I was so stressed out when I was resisting God's call to reconciliation. I had perpetual anxiety plaguing me all day long. I found myself frustrated and fearful of talking to people because I didn't want to be causing division.

Once I finally made the decision to talk to the people I needed to, once I verbalized it to someone to hold me accountable, I found peace overtaking me. Suddenly the knot in my stomach released some.

It's amazing the peace that's found in obeying God!

Trusting God to work all the things for good for all people involved, and working all things so that He is glorified, is hard, but well worth the effort.

The more we walk the path of reconciliation, forgiveness, confession.... the easier it will be... the more like Jesus we will look.

The first time is hard. The first time you feel like you left a million things out when the conversation is over. The first many times you find yourself shaking with relief that the conversations are done.

God is to be trusted though, and if he says to drop everything at the alter and go be reconciled first, then you had better do it!

There is a reason He has said it. There is purpose behind His wanting you to reconcile with others. It's for your good and for His glory!

Advent of Trust #17; He likes me....

Our small group has been reading through a book by Bruce Wilkinson called "Secrets of the Vine." We read a chapter a week and then discuss it when we come together again.

This week we were talking about really abiding in God's presence. He talks about how abiding isn't doing more for God. Abiding is about a relationship, the most important friendship in our lives. In our world it is so hard for us to stop doing and just be.

It takes letting go of our control and letting God take over. The world will go on without us, believe it or not!

But how many of us really want to let go of that control? Especially if we feel that God doesn't like us?

"If our need for this relationship [a deep, abiding friendship] is so deep and constant, why do so few of us fervently pursue it? One of the primary reasons, I'm convinced, is that we don't really believe God likes us. Sure, we believe God loves us in a theological sense (God loves everybody, right?), but we don't feel particularly like by Him. We're convinced that He remembers all the bad things we've done in the past and is quick to judge how we're doing now. We assume He's impatient, busy with more important things, and reluctant to spend time with us. Why would you want to spend time with a person who felt that way about you?"

I know there were so many times in the past that I have had struggles with how I feel God views me. It's more because of how I viewed myself, and I assumed that God viewed me the same way.

It isn't as bad anymore. There are many days where I feel very secure with God, knowing that He loves me and likes me. He created me (and you) and delights in us. As that has sunk into my head and heart, it has become more of a part of me.

There are still times when I don't find myself hanging onto that. There are times when I feel that God is not liking me very much and holding past offenses, past sins against me. The old thoughts, the old lies take over.

But when I look at the past and what God has done for me, I remember to trust in His care for me, His love for me and that He not only likes me, but delights in me.

Advent of Trust #16; Scripture memory Part 2

"Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 2 Peter 1:4

This is the second verse of my final scripture memory for this year.

These both were good verses to finish off my year with.

God's glory and goodness have given us great and precious promises. Promises we can trust in. Promises that He will be with us all the time. Promises that He loves us. Promises that we are reminded of again and again during this season of Advent.

He has given us HIS very great and precious promises. Think of all the promises that are in the Bible. Think of the different ways He fulfills His promises to us.

As we talked last night at our bible study, we talked about how difficult it is for us to remember how God has been faithful in the past. We come up against new things, challenges, difficulties and we panic and try to take care of them in our own strength.

We forget to trust.
We forget the way God has fulfilled His promises to us in the past.
We forget that He has given us everything we need.

We think that we have to try to do it all on our own. We end up getting caught up in the world's definitions of success, freedom, security. We allow our own desires and sinful habits of coping take over, we fall back into them.

There are days when things go great and we are thrilled because for once, for one day (or maybe on hour) we have relied on God. Then there are the days where we fall back into the old groove again. The old tapes play, we find ourselves believing the old lies...

But we can participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption of the world......
Through His great and precious promises.

Praise God He always gives us a way out. He gives us strength for the circumstances. He gives us peace for the journey.
He gives us the reminder that He is with us the whole way, and will help us renew our minds.

He gives us chance after chance to trust Him. And He doesn't give up on us.
Praise God!

Advent of Trust #15; Scripture Memory Part 1

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by his own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3

This is the first part of my current LPM Scripture Memory... and my last scripture of the year... #24.

It just hit me that my friend Cindy has been quoting this verse to me probably for the last year, and I finally got to the point where I needed to memorize it. It is a good thing to hang my hat on at the end of the year.

What a promise this is!

He "has given" us everything we need. Past tense. There is no wondering if we are going to get what we need. It's already given to us.

It's not just everything we need for our life... which is wonderful in and of itself... but for godliness as well.

Can you imagine?

It's not about our striving or hoping or working on it. He has given us everything we need to live godly lives. Jesus in us, the Holy Spirit guiding us, God Himself on our side. All we need to do is recognize our need, ask for His help.... and trust that He has already given us that help.

Obtaining what His divine power has given us comes through our knowledge of Him. Talk about making me want to dig into the Bible even more! What better way to get to know our Father than by digging into the very word that He wrote, that He speaks through?

The more we know Him, the better we understand all that we need for life and godliness. We can appropriate it for our own.

And the final words of this verse are so easy to gloss over.

"...who called us by his own glory and goodness."

We are called... not because of us... but because of Him...

His glory.
His goodness.

Look around us now... Look at the preparations underway for Christmas. Christmas is all about His glory and His goodness being expressed to us.

You have been called.
I have been called.

By His glory and His goodness.
By His Son.

Let's prepare Him room. Let's look towards celebrating our calling by Him this Christmas. It's so close. This year, don't miss thanking Him for calling us, for giving us everything we could ever need, for helping us to live godly lives, for giving us a way to know Him.

Trust Him with your whole heart. This season commemorates the beginning of the earthly life of the One who would die for our sins so we could live in freedom before Him.

May God renew your Trust in Him.... His divine power is more than enough... for you, for everything and everyone.

Advent of Trust #14; Beauty in scars

I was reading a devotional the other day by Jennifer Rothschild called "Fresh Grounded Faith." This is what I read:

"[Our] beauty comes from the radiance of Christ that is best revealed through our scars. It's a compelling strength that becomes realized only in our weakness. It's a beauty forged in the refining fire of trials, and a loveliness fashioned on the anvil of faithfulness."
(Day 1, Page 15)

I want Christ's radiance to be shown through me. Every day, in every way.

It won't if I hang onto control of my life. If I insulate and isolate myself from life, and don't allow myself to be really touched by life, by anyone, Christ won't be seen in me.

I won't take risks where my weakness is seen, so His strength can fill me.
I won't be wounded by life, and healed by Him.
I won't face trials, and be refined and perfected.

I desire that loveliness. But that loveliness doesn't just come. Jennifer's quote says that it comes on "the anvil of faithfulness."

An anvil sounds painful doesn't it?

It takes a lot of faithfulness to stay on that anvil when life pounds you down flat. It takes trust in the Master and His ability to use the heat, the pounding, the pain in just the right way to mold you and shape you into who He wants you to be.

Only by being pounded, shaped, polished, refined will His beauty be reflected in us, out of us. Only then will His beauty shine out of us. Through the wounds the scars that run so deep, and mark our character for Him.

Lord, may your beauty shine through me. May my scars shine with Your radiance, so others don't see me, but You. May I prove to be trusting in You to the very end. Grow my trust in You, and deepen it even more, so that I may walk into a whole new level of relationship with you. Amen

Advent of Trust #13; First trust

When was the first time you trusted Jesus?

I mean REALLY trusted Him?

Our pastor shared a story with us this Sunday.

He went out hunting a few times this week, on a piece of property he isn't that familiar with. But he knew that when he walked out from where he parked his car, he would get to a point in the path where he had to do was start walking due east and he would land right at a huge pine tree, where his stand was.

He got up early, left his vehicle, made sure he had his compass in his pocket and his head lamp with him. He headed down the path and eventually got to the point where the path forked. He pulled out his compass, turned on the lamp and then realized he had a problem.

He didn't have his reading glasses with him.

He stood there for a long time, trying to decide which little letter on the dial was east and which was west. He tried to decipher the little illuminated markers around the dial... made his choice and started walking.

Pretty soon.... well you know what happened.

He came to a spot he had never seen before. There was this road cutting through the woods, probably an old fire trail. He walked up and down it for a few moments, his blood pressure rising. He could hear the sound of the highway, but couldn't quite tell where it was. It was cloudy so he couldn't get his bearings from the sun.

And there he stood. His frustration at himself rising,

He realized then, so this is what it feels like to be lost.

Then something happened.
An angel appeared.

Well, ok, not an angel per se, but another hunter in blaze orange walked out of the woods into the clearing. When our pastor explained what had happened, the other hunter pointed out that he had walked north east, not straight east. He pointed him back towards the southwest, and our pastor found his way home.

He knew where home was. He was lost, and needed someone to point him in the direction of home.

You see, he was raised in the church, so he never before really felt "lost" before, or the desperate need for a Savior, for someone to point him in the right direction, to show him the path.

He asked us to think back and remember, if we could, what it was like when we were lost. Did we realize our desperate state right away? Did it take a crisis to realize it?

I was walking along fine in the woods of high school, had a general idea of the path to go, into college, graduate with a music ed degree and then teach. As I reached the end of high school, graduated, and looked ahead to going into college, I still thought I could figure my way out.

I got into college and loved the courses I had, but was lost in the "woods" of people with no connection to anyone. I was completely alone, wasn't sure of my way anymore or if I was headed the right direction.

Then through some equally lost friends, inviting me to be part of a Christian musical, Jesus found me and pointed me in the right direction. I trusted Him to know the way better than I did. He led and I followed, knowing without being told much about Him right away, that He knew what He was talking about.

It didn't mean that the bumps were taken out of the path, or that the branches didn't grab at me or stumps and logs trip me up. But it did mean that I always have had a compass with which to take a good sighting and find the path again toward home.

As long as I trust my Compass, I will always go the right way.

So, what happened to make you realize you were lost in the woods? Are you still? Do you need to just trust that Person who has stepped out of the woods to show you the right direction to go?

May this be your first Advent of Trust, or may you renew your trust in a new, deeper way.

Advent of Trust #12; Conflict and Trust

Little problems don't go away if you ignore them.

They may go under the surface for a while, but they resurface at another time. Sometimes all the little problems start adding up, and so when one more little problem is added to the pile, it all blows up and seems to be about one little thing, when it might have been months of little things.

If we dealt with the little thing - the first little thing - in a healthy, God honoring way, it would save us and others a whole lot of heartache.

When I am in conflict with someone, you wouldn't be able to tell it. I typically have only nice things to say about them, it's all internal. I seek God's forgiveness if I have sinned in my thoughts/attitudes/heart and then let it go. Until something else happens.

I have had an occasion, when I was much younger, where I spoke up about something that I didn't think was right, got slammed, and was quiet the rest of the night. We continued on in the project, my ideas ignored, and my concerns pushed aside.

I never pushed the issue after first bringing it up. We went through our class presentation. When we were done, we were verbally critiqued. Many of the things brought up as our weaknesses as a group were things that I had thought of. Some of them were the things I had tried to bring up, others were ones that I had ignored cause I didn't want to get slammed again.

I never said a word to my teacher. I never said a word to the students I had worked with. It just "went away."

When an opportunity comes up now, after going through some training and reading a book called "Making Peace" by Jim Van Yperen, I know I am going to have to handle it much differently.

Let's put this another way. God is challenging me to handle conflict in a whole new way for me. A way of redemption and reconciliation.

That makes me afraid. Afraid that I will be pushed aside. Afraid that I will react/respond in a manner that will be less than edifying. Afraid to "confront" someone when I feel something is not going well, or when there have been miscommunications, or anything.

I don't want to confront anyone. I know the Bible says to go to that person you have a conflict with (whether they know it or not) and to go quickly and privately, individually to that person and make things right. Don't go to someone else first. Don't delay. Don't let lots of little things pile up. NO EXCUSES. Just go.

That the Bible tells us what to do in conflict is wonderful. However, it isn't easy.

It requires trust that God will make it right. Whether it immediately seems to come out right or not, God will work it all together for the good of all those involved.

One of the things I am most guilty of is listening to gossip. Someone's having a problem with someone else. I sympathize, they talk and get some relief from the tension they have been feeling, and no one gets helped. Jim Van Yperen calls this triangulation.

The other problem is, I tend to do the same. I don't want to talk to the other person, and risk "conflict" in our relationship (not realizing it's already there, unacknowledged)... so I go to someone else, someone I trust, and seek their advice.

Jim says in his book,
"Triangulation is an affront to the Cross because it robs a fellow believer of the opportunity for understanding, forgiveness, and reconciliation. If I go to a friend to talk about you instead of going to you, I have sinned against you in two ways. First I have kept you from knowing there is a problem and robbed you of the opportunity to ask forgiveness. Second, I have sinned against you by talking about you behind your back."

Only recently, after a leadership seminar at my church did I realize how wrong this was. I immediately put a cap on my conversations with others. I watched what I said, and asked God to show me when and where I was essentially slandering others behind their back. I never did it intentionally before. Never. I felt completely innocent of that. I honestly had been seeking advice in how to handle issues and situations.

But maybe the people I had talked to weren't mature enough to handle the information, my opinions correctly. I don't know. And they sure never referred me to talk to the original person I had a problem with. OK... not totally true. One person did, and that was my counselor. :) I guess that counts, and it may or may not have been slander, because she was counseling me through a situation..... that's another issue entirely! :)

The point is, there has been one person in my life right now I have been able to talk to. She has already read this book on "Making Peace" and already been applying the principles laid out in it, in her life.

As I have felt so insecure about dealing with conflict with others, I have asked her advice, and asked her if it was ok to talk to her with specifics, so that I could get help to talk to others, so I would have an idea of how to handle myself. She has been very consistent about pointing me to going to the other person and talking to them, rather than allowing me to vent to her, and not deal with the conflict.

It's a blessing, but it's scary.

Facing conflict head on, and dealing with it in a healthy, God-honoring way is a good thing. It's incredibly hard.

It's something that God has commanded us to do.
That means He expects us to do it. To obey.
That means it takes trust to step out and do as He has commanded.

Another step into the unknown. Yet He goes with us. He goes with me. It's another area of anxiety for me, but I want to do what is right.

Lord, help me to see Your face light up with joy as I attempt to take those first few wobbly steps closer to you. Just as my face lights up to see my babies take their first real steps towards my open arms. Just as my face lights up when they try new, scary things for them, at my urging... trusting me that I won't lead them into harm. Help me to trust that you won't lead me into harm, even if it does seem a really long way to the water below this diving board I am on. I just want to see the joy on Your face for me as I make the attempt. Help me to bask in the warmth of that glow, and having been filled to overflowing with Your love and joy, take the step off the edge in obedience to your commands. Amen.

Advent of Trust #11; Step by Step

One of the things that I find myself praying is that when people look at my life, they will see a life marked out as different.

I don't know that is the case now, but I want others to see that God is my source and my comfort and my strength. I want others to see that no matter what, I trust in Him.

I want others to see what I have gone through, and what God has done in me, and choose to trust Him.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:2-3

I want something different for my life than to just give a "head nod" to God for helping me out of something tough. I want to sing that new song He has put into my mouth. I want to sing that hymn of praise to my God.

Nothing would fill my heart with joy, more than to sing the songs I know He is giving me. To speak the words He would have me speak. To write the words I know He would have me write. I want to glorify Him.

He is the one who lifted me out of the mire.
He is the one who has pulled me out of my shaky circumstances, and set me on a rock.
He is the one who delivers from fear.

HE is the one to fear, and in whom to put our trust.

He is the one who even gave me a song to sing. I will sing it with all of my heart.

As part of the song "Step by Step," by Rich Mullins goes...

"Oh God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you!
Oh God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you!
I will seek you in the morning.
I will learn to walk in your ways.
And step by step you'll lead me,
and I will follow you all of my days."

That's what it is. Praising Him , seeking Him in the morning, learning from Him, and trusting Him to lead me step by step through everything.... then making the choice to trust Him enough to follow Him, even when it seems like a big, dark, deep valley we are heading into.