Themes coming back....

I remember writing back several posts ago how I felt that God was giving me the theme of faith and hope.

Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God.  All about having a forward moving, active faith.

At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team.  On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.

I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith.  All about faith.

Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.

Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day.  I had a 90 minute session with Tricia.  We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college.  It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again.  Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done.  Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.

I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little.  I also have been sleeping very little.  So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe.  And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step.  It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you."  I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.

As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home.  I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap.  I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide.  She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep.  So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom.  I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.

I slept.  I actually slept.  I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy.  She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped.  She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.

Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop.  I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go).  I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while.  She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.

But I had a rough afternoon.  Just got side-swiped by some things.  I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them.  I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty.  My poor husband had no idea what to do with me.  That's ok, neither did I.

That brings me back to this morning.  I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study.  I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday.  Before I started though, I talked to God about my week.  I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any.  I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22).  When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.

Get this one:

"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."

Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation

I mean, really?  There is a God thing for sure.  He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him.  I saw answered prayer.  That in itself is a shot of hope.

I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have.  I need to see God's promises to me.  I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy.  I don't say that lightly.  I need the hope or I sink into despair.  But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope.  This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward.  I don't know how.  It's only God.

I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals.  That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly.  I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure.  I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not.  I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process.  I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there.  But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going.  Things that are reminders.  Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration.  (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)

My anxiety level is high.
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.
My fear of the unknown is high.

In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!

Oh Lord, help me.  I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!!  Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak.  Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.

Telling the truth

My appointment last week was successful in that by the end of it, I was in enough a better state from when I went in.  Tricia talked with me for the hour, just walking me through the memories, thoughts and lies I was struggling with.

At the end, she looked a little bit relieved and said that I seemed to be doing better than when I came in.  She asked if that was wishful thinking, and I said no, I did feel better.



I went back to work this week, after a VERY snowy and cold weekend, and got through the first two days relatively well.  It feels like the memories have faded some to the background.  Not maybe that they have faded, but that I have been allowed to ignore them and live above them for the time being.

However, yesterday, I started having my anxiety ramp up.  It started with trying to help our pastor with a computer problem, then solving other problems, and by the end of the day, I was so frustrated.  As I was coming home, my anxiety was going higher.  I had to take the kids to their Wednesday night church activities, and by the time they were dropped off, I had to get out of the town, over the bridge to the nearest McDonald's.  Sounds weird, but I just needed a spot to park and breathe, and as I needed to eat, that was the first place I thought of.

I grabbed my phone and tried calling Cindy D. first, but we were able to talk for only a few minutes, long enough for me to tell her about the anxiety attacking me right then.  Then I tried calling my best friend, Cindy, but she was so sick, she wasn't even able to answer her phone.

I realized that God just wanted me. 

So I grabbed my bag and went inside McDonald's, got some food, and then settled down to eat, read and journal.  I had gotten a book from a friend, so I read through some of that and made notes about what hit me and what I felt like God was saying to me.

I am much more stable than I was last week.  Partially because, well, because I am being a better girl than I was last week.

You see, I had my appointment with Tricia last Monday, but the week before that I started fighting with myself about taking my anti-depressant.  I don't really know why, but I didn't want to take it.  I thought I was doing better, and as I had a counseling appointment coming up, I wanted to be able to "feel" the emotions (not that I can't now... but I think they can be much more intense - and painful as I learned) as I was going through the appointment.

So, I started slacking off on taking it.  Like skipping two days, taking it one, skipping 3 days and then having my Monday appointment.  Then I don't really remember when I took the next one, maybe Tuesday night after I got home from my friends house... after my day full of panic attacks. 

When I talked with Tricia on Thursday at my added in appointment, she said that she had brought up my case in her collaberation that morning because she was concerned that I was going backwards rather than forwards.  She said that two different people had asked if she knew if I was taking all my medications.  She told me she would have never thought to ask that, so asked me if I had been taking them all.  I said that I had missed a "couple" of the anti-depressant.  When she asked why, I froze, and then blurted that I had lapsed between refills.  When she asked again how many I had missed, I told her 2-3.

I out and out lied to her.

Why would I lie to someone that I profess to trust, who has walked with me through so much?  I have never lied to her that blatantly before!  I don't get it.

Once I started taking my meds again and started to think more clearly, I started asking myself this, but shying away from God just yet.

Yesterday, it really came to a head as I talked with a friend again on the phone.  No one knew about my not taking my medication, except for one friend and his wife whom I told through an email.  At one point, she asked me why I was having a hard time doing something else Tricia had asked me to do, and if I was going to tell her.  When I said I wasn't sure, she asked me why, because she knew that I was pretty brutally honest with her.

Then I just spit it out and told her that it was because I hadn't been honest about some other things.  There was some silence on the other end of the phone as she thought a minute and then she said that she wasn't going to ask if I didn't want to tell her.  So, I blurted it out about how much of the meds I had missed, and that I had purposely done it.

It was hard to say, but good I think, because I needed to say it to someone real, someone who knows me in real life, who can get right up to me, in my face, and find out if I am taking them or not... or at least, she won't mother me, but is someone I can go to if I am struggling with it.

Now though, she made me realize that I have to tell Tricia.
and I don't want to.
I don't want to disappoint her.

She asked me if I was punishing myself.  We had talked the previous day about the little things, like not eating well, or staying up too late, or not taking care of my hand well enough - and as random comments popped out of my mouth, it became apparent that I really didn't think highly enough of myself to take care of myself the way I should.  It's way better than it used to be, but still, not where it should be.... still lies there to be uncovered and dealt with.

So she asked me if I was punishing myself.  If I thought that I didn't deserve love (or I would insert here peace, joy or freedom) enough so I was delaying the healing process by not taking my medication correctly.

Honestly, I don't know.  I guess maybe I have been in a way.  I think I knew that my body/emotions were going to react that way because of not taking the meds.  And I didn't care.  It isn't too hard for me to do something that will inflict emotional pain on myself.  Leave some issue unresolved, and then stop taking medications, and self sabotage.

At one point yesterday I said to myself, and to God that I really didn't want to live with that 19-20 year old that did those things, and that was subjected to those things back in college.  I blurted out (I was alone in the sanctuary) that she really should just die. 

I heard those words echo through the sanctuary, and I looked to the front, at the cross. 
Then said, "She really doesn't deserve to die, because neither does anyone else I have talked to, that I know who have been abused or made bad decisions."

Then I left a question hanging in the air and walked out of the sanctuary.

"Now that we are all forgiven and covered by Your blood, do we still deserve to die, anyway?"

The obvious answer is that by God's mercy and grace, He wants to heal us from those things in our past that have hurt us so.  I know that.  But there is part of me that just wants to crush that girl who was, and grind her out of existence so I don't have to think about her anymore.

What God really wants me to do is to embrace her... go back to her as the adult I am now and embrace her and give her the love that she wasn't getting from another human being, and through that, point her to God.  Point her to the truth.  In so doing, I will open the door (with God's help) to Him coming in and healing her, healing me and there will be no more "her" and "me" but there will be "I."  I will be more whole, more integrated, more healed, and more able to deal with other pains, or resolve other conflicts and grow up some more.

One of the most effective ways for me to go back and embrace that little girl that needs love so much is through the process of EMDR, as Tricia guides me through it.  God has healed me so much, and so quickly many times, and so effectively, using that process. 

But from experience, I have learned that it doesn't work very well when there are barriers between you and your therapist.  Whether she knows of it or not.  I have had times where we have gotten blocked and when God finally led me to tell her something, as we started the EMDR God met me in a powerful way.

If I want to have Tricia help me and guide me through the process of EMDR dealing with these past memories that have become so current and fresh, I need to be honest with her.  Which means, I have to tell her about the medication and how I purposely stopped taking it.  I need to be able to let go and let down all the barriers.  If something is keeping me from telling her the full truth, then it means I don't trust her fully for one reason or another.

At least, I think so.  I don't know.  Maybe it isn't that I don't trust her fully.  Maybe it's that I am afraid that she is going to be disappointed with me.  I look up to her.  I don't want to disappoint her, or cause disapproval.  I think I'm afraid that she is going to just dismiss last week as all about the lack of medication.  I know the lack of medication intensified everything, every emotion, but there was more behind it than that.  I couldn't think very clearly or claim the truth for myself, but I was experiencing (probably too closely) the things that had happened in my past and I wasn't able to shut it down, I didn't have control.  The inability to control what was going on emotionally, or to think clearly was from the medication.

Maybe the desire I have to not take the anti-depressant is because I am scared of what this time from January to March will look like if I were more healed and whole and on my meds and more stable.  I mean, that's whole new territory for me.  And it's scary.  This is my familiar.  This is what I know.  The ups and downs, the anxiety and depression, the fear and darkness.  To have a possibility of walking in the light again is scary.

But as I read in Psalm 139 today, even if I want the darkness to cover me and the light to become night around me, even the darkness is like light to God, and it shines like the noonday.  No matter what I do, God sees, He knows the motives of my heart, He understands, and He still loves.  Even this fearful, trembling girl who's afraid to walk forward and this fearful, angry adult who wants to crush out the past.

He still loves.

Oh God, help me cling to Your truth!

Psalm 103, God at work.

I started my last post with the beginning of Psalm 103... Let me continue the verses here.... because the previous verses kind of left us hanging in the middle of a sentence.

Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits -
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

There are so many things that are going on in my life. It's much more than being busy... though I am that, plus some.

God is speaking into my heart and life in various ways. One way is through the Daniel bible study by Beth Moore.

Another way is by reading through her book, "So Long, Insecurity."

He has been prompting my mind to reflect and think on some of the healing that He's taken me through. I haven't done a lot of journaling about it, and there are so many things rolling through my head, I have hesitated in writing here, because of how likely I am to get off on a tangent.

I will try to catch those in my proofing so that each tangent becomes it's own post! :)

I also have had a hard time writing when my emotions have taken over and I have been so down lately. It has taken too much effort to write. Then when my emotions shut down, there was no motivation to write, because I couldn't share my heart. I couldn't even access it.

Today, as I looked at my memory verses (which are Psalm 103:1-2) I continued reading down the next 3 verses. They really can't go without mentioning.

The beginning of the psalm is a call to praise God... to remember His benefits. Looking up "benefits" in the Strong's Concordance, this is the first definition

H1576
gemûl
(ghem-ool')
From H1580; treatment, that is, an act (of good or ill); by implication service or requital: - + as hast served, benefit, desert, deserving, that which he hath given, recompense, reward.

This helped me a bit to understand the word benefit... that it is something that we have been given or rewarded with. But the root word that it is from (H1580) sheds even more light on it.

H1580
gâmal
(gaw-mal')
A primitive root; to treat a person (well or ill), that is, benefit or requite; by implication (of toil) to ripen, that is, (specifically) to wean: - bestow on, deal bountifully, do (good), recompense, requite, reward, ripen, + serve, wean, yield.

That made even more sense to me. God has bestowed something on us. He has dealt with us bountifully, and has done good to us, He has treated us richly.

It's not something I have deserved, but He has benefited me greatly. Because He loves me, He has lavished that love on me, shown me that love in so many ways.

It does my heart good to think on those things. To meditate on those ways he has dealt so bountifully with me.

Read verses 3-5 over again. Go ahead, scroll back up. I'll wait...

...

There, you back? :)

Look at these short lists, taken right from Psalm 103:3-5. Let them sink into your heart and soul and mind the way they are starting to in mine.

Forgive.
Heal.
Redeem.
Crown.
Satisfy.
Renew.

He forgives all sins.
He heals all diseases (anything that makes you sick, body, mind, heart, soul)
He redeems lives.
He crowns with love and compassion.
He satisfies desires.
He renews youth.

He forgives all your sins.
He heals all your diseases.
He redeems your life.
He crowns you with love and compassion.
He satisfies your desires.
He renews your youth.

God does all this for you. He does all this for me.

I think the enemy was working overtime in my life the past month or so, to hit all my triggers for depression. All my triggers got hit... depression and fear of going down under it again, fears of rejection, fears of failure, worldly guilt from the past, including condemning thoughts that were dredged back up.

All my hang ups came back to the surface. Right now things are getting better. My perspective is being changed, by God, and now I am slowly joining in the effort. I am starting to be able to think clearly enough to refocus my thoughts when they get "off."

God is working in me. I can hear His voice more clearly. I can see His face again. I can feel myself sitting in His lap again.

It has taken me being mindful of what He is doing in my life, and seeing His faithfulness in the past.

I am being "forced" to look at things that are triggering my insecurities and fears.

I think the enemy was using my past struggles and fears, and current ones too, as well as the world and my flesh kicking in, to stop me from what God would have me do.

I think God wants me to examine myself, my life right now, in light of His Truth. Jesus wants me to see myself as I am seen by God through His blood.

I know the truth of who I am in Him. I know that I am holy and clean and consecrated in His sight. My perception of who I am is off, just a little bit and not as bad as it used to be. But it completely affects how I act, what I say, and how I feel about myself.

I feel like God is working on me and in me to have His truth more deeply invade my life, thoughts, beliefs, and ingrained patterns. Then my thoughts and feelings (which I was really drowning in, if you couldn't tell, which is why I disconnected I think) will start to line up with the Truth. I will start to operate out of His Truth, because His Truth will become a deeply set part of my life.

It's not that I don't believe the truth, but now it has to come to a new place. A deeper level.

So that my trust in God and love of Jesus will be deeper and fuller than they are now. So that I more closely follow the promptings of the Spirit.

I want Him to be my all in all.
I want to be able to refocus my thoughts and remember all His benefits when my heart wanders and I feel lost and alone.

Because I am not lost and alone.

I am His and He is mine.

So are you.

Cup overturned, empty and scattered

Ah, friends...
It has been too long, and even now I wonder at the time I am daring to take to write, or even check my email!

Our women's retreat starts tonight.
6pm.

I need to be there between 2 and 3.

All the music power point is done. The words are printed for the interpreters for the deaf. The music picked out and organized and prayed over. The women coming have been prayed over, and again. The food for lunch tomorrow is sitting on my kitchen table, waiting to be packed into the tiny spaces left available in my car.

I think I have it all ready. I think! I hope.

I am excited about hearing from God today. I am excited to see how God is going to work in the lives of the 24 women coming.

Yet, I ache with tiredness, and I haven't even started yet.

I am leading worship for the weekend. I am leading worship for our Sunday morning church service when we get back. It will be a big drain on me, yet I am willing to do it, and feel called to.

There are some women coming with some deep hurts. Scary hurts. One is facing a diagnosis of her husbands cancer. He had a heart transplant back in 2002. A year and a half ago, she was diagnosed with cancer, had chemo and is cancer free today. Just yesterday they found out that a tumor was causing the pain and other issues he had.... I didn't hear what kind. I think I was in shock, but my guess is, from where they described it was, probably colon cancer. Near his lymph nodes. There seems to be no question that he is going to be doing chemo.

How does that work with his anti-rejection meds for his heart? I don't know. There are a lot of unknowns right now, and many tears shed last night at our home group.

Another woman is battling intense depression.

Another can't come because her mom is taking care of her dad who has Alzheimers, and isn't taking care of herself in the process, and she and her sister have to go take care of their mom.

And there are so many, many other unknown stories coming into this weekend.

Our weekend theme? Brokenness. Broken hearts. Broken lives. Broken before God... and complete surrender to Him.

I am broken. Beyond fixing by human hands. I too am struggling under a weight of depression. It lifts from time to time. Then it comes back with that familiar weight dropping onto my shoulders.

Last night found us all broken at our bible study. Over the news of cancer. Over our own hurts and struggles.

I sobbed while we prayed.

Everyone assumed (I think) it was because I was overwhelmed with the retreat. That was some of it. But God has really given me a peace about it all. I know He will be there, is in all of it now, and will make happen what He wants to happen at that retreat, whether things go the way we planned or not. He is in control.

Other things have slowly piled on the last couple of weeks, that I am still struggling with, and I can't even put a name to some of them.

I am in need of great healing and comfort this weekend. I don't even know what from. God does, and He knows the deepest part of me that is hurting right now. I think He is doing heart surgery, asking me to offer my body as a living sacrifice. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is oh, so weak.

I read something in today's devotional in "My Utmost for His Highest" about binding the sacrifice to the horns of the alter (me, my flesh, being the sacrifice) and then enduring, being willing to go through the fiery trial to follow. It will burn the flesh away, the unneeded things that are hindering me.

I need to be willing to be poured out for others, like a drink offering.

Cup overturned, empty.
Not a drop left.

I feel that way now, but not the cup spent in sacrifice... but the one knocked over prematurely. Like someone sweeping off a table in a fit of rage, knocking the cups over onto the floor, emptying them and scattering them heedless of the destruction just caused.

Maybe the enemy wasn't as "heedless" as I would like to think, but much more vengeful and hateful and purposeful behind the knocking down and over, and trampling through the wreckage.

These are just some thoughts rolling through my head.
I have little time left for a graceful closing to this post.

Please pray for the weekend. It is doubtful I will have an internet connection where I am going, even with my computer with me. And even if I do, I am not going to connect to the internet at all to check email or Facebook.

My biggest request is prayer.
For me.
For our speaker, who I know is getting hit by the enemy prior to this retreat.
For the women coming, all who have faced major opposition, either not coming or beaten down but still showing up.
For the Holy Spirit to be poured out on all of us.
For our ears and eyes to be open to hear and see what He is doing in our midst, and how He is speaking to our hearts.

Please pray for me to be able to not only lead the worship, guide the transitions between things, make the lunch, and administrate in any other way needed...
But to not be so distracted by other things that I cannot hear what God is saying to me, too.

Thank you for making it through this long post.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and then to pray.
Thank you for your friendships. They mean more to me than you will ever know.

Darkness creeping in....

This week I would say has "been a week."

You know those.
Best explanation would be LONG.

I have been very busy for work, getting ready for our church's annual celebration. It is going to be really fun, but a lot of work up front for me.

I have met with a new friend through our bible study... we have enveloped two new women, and one of the women's daughter. It has taken some minor adjustments to our group, where we meet, how we fit all of us around a table, and just getting to know and trust each other enough to be pretty real with each other.

One of the women I have really clicked with. We have some things in common, and we got together this week for dinner. We had such a good time, and a great time of sharing.

I knew God was in the conversation and in our sharing and how we related. I was completely at peace about it. Since then, I have found myself wondering how much to trust, how much to reveal, concerned about so many things that really God is in control of. As He demonstrated just in our first getting together.

I think the enemy has been working me over pretty good though since then. This whole week has had good things, and great things, and though there were stresses, it was really, really good to see how God worked through it all.

So why do I only see the things that haven't happened? The things that I have been hit by?

I was feeling sick, mid-week, to the point that I really couldn't eat very much. I just wasn't feeling good. I slept a lot.

However, there is something bothering to me.

What, you ask?

I have no idea.

But it feels like I am trying to medicate, anesthetize myself so that I don't feel something, or think about something... or maybe even to keep myself from drawing close to God.

But what would I be so afraid of? Afraid enough that I want to block anything out, stop thinking? Why would I not want to be close to God? Close to Him is the safest place to be... why fear that?

I suppose part of it, is the world, my flesh, and the devil working against me to keep me from really pursuing God.

I want so much of God, I want to be free of some things that have been plaguing me. I don't know how to do that and am at sort of a loss. Its more than "doing" something to refocus myself, though bible studies and stuff are good.

It's really about being.

I was going along so well this summer, practicing the presence of God, really being with Him, still with Him. Now I have found that it is very hard to do again. I have lost the consistency of it that I had.

.... and I find this depression creeping in on me....

It darkens the edges of my day, of my thoughts, my perceptions of everything around me.

It is starting to take more and more effort to do things needing doing. To get out and run errands, to do tasks around the house, to even have the motivation to go outside and play with the kids.

I have just wanted to curl up and hide. Sleep. Disengage my mind. I fought against it so hard last night at our bible study, that I was so anxious by the end that I could hardly sit still.

I am so very tired.

I had been doing so much better for such a long time, that even when I hit a road block, that I know is gonna happen at one point or another as God works on me at a new level, I don't want to write.

I think that is why it has been so silent here. I have tried to be upbeat when I have written, but I don't have that in me today.

So this is what you get.

This girlfriend.
Struggling, hurting, confused, depressed and wanting to run.

Advent of Trust #12; Conflict and Trust

Little problems don't go away if you ignore them.

They may go under the surface for a while, but they resurface at another time. Sometimes all the little problems start adding up, and so when one more little problem is added to the pile, it all blows up and seems to be about one little thing, when it might have been months of little things.

If we dealt with the little thing - the first little thing - in a healthy, God honoring way, it would save us and others a whole lot of heartache.

When I am in conflict with someone, you wouldn't be able to tell it. I typically have only nice things to say about them, it's all internal. I seek God's forgiveness if I have sinned in my thoughts/attitudes/heart and then let it go. Until something else happens.

I have had an occasion, when I was much younger, where I spoke up about something that I didn't think was right, got slammed, and was quiet the rest of the night. We continued on in the project, my ideas ignored, and my concerns pushed aside.

I never pushed the issue after first bringing it up. We went through our class presentation. When we were done, we were verbally critiqued. Many of the things brought up as our weaknesses as a group were things that I had thought of. Some of them were the things I had tried to bring up, others were ones that I had ignored cause I didn't want to get slammed again.

I never said a word to my teacher. I never said a word to the students I had worked with. It just "went away."

When an opportunity comes up now, after going through some training and reading a book called "Making Peace" by Jim Van Yperen, I know I am going to have to handle it much differently.

Let's put this another way. God is challenging me to handle conflict in a whole new way for me. A way of redemption and reconciliation.

That makes me afraid. Afraid that I will be pushed aside. Afraid that I will react/respond in a manner that will be less than edifying. Afraid to "confront" someone when I feel something is not going well, or when there have been miscommunications, or anything.

I don't want to confront anyone. I know the Bible says to go to that person you have a conflict with (whether they know it or not) and to go quickly and privately, individually to that person and make things right. Don't go to someone else first. Don't delay. Don't let lots of little things pile up. NO EXCUSES. Just go.

That the Bible tells us what to do in conflict is wonderful. However, it isn't easy.

It requires trust that God will make it right. Whether it immediately seems to come out right or not, God will work it all together for the good of all those involved.

One of the things I am most guilty of is listening to gossip. Someone's having a problem with someone else. I sympathize, they talk and get some relief from the tension they have been feeling, and no one gets helped. Jim Van Yperen calls this triangulation.

The other problem is, I tend to do the same. I don't want to talk to the other person, and risk "conflict" in our relationship (not realizing it's already there, unacknowledged)... so I go to someone else, someone I trust, and seek their advice.

Jim says in his book,
"Triangulation is an affront to the Cross because it robs a fellow believer of the opportunity for understanding, forgiveness, and reconciliation. If I go to a friend to talk about you instead of going to you, I have sinned against you in two ways. First I have kept you from knowing there is a problem and robbed you of the opportunity to ask forgiveness. Second, I have sinned against you by talking about you behind your back."

Only recently, after a leadership seminar at my church did I realize how wrong this was. I immediately put a cap on my conversations with others. I watched what I said, and asked God to show me when and where I was essentially slandering others behind their back. I never did it intentionally before. Never. I felt completely innocent of that. I honestly had been seeking advice in how to handle issues and situations.

But maybe the people I had talked to weren't mature enough to handle the information, my opinions correctly. I don't know. And they sure never referred me to talk to the original person I had a problem with. OK... not totally true. One person did, and that was my counselor. :) I guess that counts, and it may or may not have been slander, because she was counseling me through a situation..... that's another issue entirely! :)

The point is, there has been one person in my life right now I have been able to talk to. She has already read this book on "Making Peace" and already been applying the principles laid out in it, in her life.

As I have felt so insecure about dealing with conflict with others, I have asked her advice, and asked her if it was ok to talk to her with specifics, so that I could get help to talk to others, so I would have an idea of how to handle myself. She has been very consistent about pointing me to going to the other person and talking to them, rather than allowing me to vent to her, and not deal with the conflict.

It's a blessing, but it's scary.

Facing conflict head on, and dealing with it in a healthy, God-honoring way is a good thing. It's incredibly hard.

It's something that God has commanded us to do.
That means He expects us to do it. To obey.
That means it takes trust to step out and do as He has commanded.

Another step into the unknown. Yet He goes with us. He goes with me. It's another area of anxiety for me, but I want to do what is right.

Lord, help me to see Your face light up with joy as I attempt to take those first few wobbly steps closer to you. Just as my face lights up to see my babies take their first real steps towards my open arms. Just as my face lights up when they try new, scary things for them, at my urging... trusting me that I won't lead them into harm. Help me to trust that you won't lead me into harm, even if it does seem a really long way to the water below this diving board I am on. I just want to see the joy on Your face for me as I make the attempt. Help me to bask in the warmth of that glow, and having been filled to overflowing with Your love and joy, take the step off the edge in obedience to your commands. Amen.

Advent of Trust #6; Fear and Trust

How in the world do I lose faith so easily and let fear consume me?

Part of my LPM Scripture memory verse this time is from Psalm 112.

"...his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear..."

When I know and believe that my heart is secure, I will have no fear. When I choose to put my trust in Him, I don't need to give way to that fear because He will take care of me... and I trust that promise.

What does it take to move from that place of fear? What does it take to move to that place of not only knowing the promises of God, but trusting that He will fulfill them?

I have seen Him fulfill promises to me before. He always has. He is faithful.

So why do I find myself facing a new day, a new hour, a new situation with fear? Fear of failure? Fear that He won't come through? What is it in my make up that makes it so hard? Why am I so fickle?

I want my heart to be steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
I long for that!

Maybe this fear, and this lack of trust is the symptom of a problem.
Maybe the problem is that I have had much less time alone with God lately.
Maybe the solution is to take the day that I have off tomorrow... one planned to be with a friend who now can't get together...

Take this suddenly open day, and instead of running errands and getting things done, spend it with God.

Some solitude. Some rest. Some peace.

Maybe then I will find myself more centered in on Him. More focused on Him, and refilled, restored and renewed to keep on doing the things that He has called me to.

Please pray that I would be able to take this time, really find somewhere for some real solitude, and concentrated time alone with God. Please pray that I would get filled up by God.. allow Him to fill me and strengthen me and draw me to a place of deeper dependence on Him, and deeper trust in Him.

some silence isn't golden...

A friend wrote an email to me yesterday.

His title of the email....

"Silence is golden, but..."

Yes, I have been pretty silent over here.

It's not just the season, and how busy it gets. It's not working.
Though, those things do contribute.

Emotionally I have been on a roller coaster the past week. Wrestling with God. Wrestling with myself. And, really spending a lot of that time trying to hide and stuff those emotions any way I could.

I know, not healthy. But its where I am at.

In the process of this day alone, God has shown me how off I have been, and started to reveal some other things to me that I really need to deal with... a lie or two laying there that have been hiding away. Things I thought were dealt with, but explain my reactions and behavior this week.

All that to say....

....depending on how tired I am tonight, I might not get to post about it till later on this weekend. But I wanted you to know that I am here. I am ok. Not great but ok.

Choosing to trust in the Lord, even when He doesn't make sense, and I don't get what He's doing or how in the world He can or will redeem things.

Fear has been pounding me pretty bad all week, and today is the first chance to take a deep breath without it constricting me.

Choosing to trust when fear is screaming in your face is extremely difficult. But I am trying. Today I keep refocusing myself.

One day at a time. One breath at a time.

I am grateful for my friend inquiring after me. It made me realize that if I cut myself off from others (yes, here on my blog as well as "in real life" people that I know and love) I am going to "go down under" so to speak. I can't live in isolation... and that was what the enemy has been trying to do... get me to isolate myself. From everyone.

Pray for me. And please pray for a dear sister, who is facing surgery and some serious health issues this coming week.

She Ponders, She's Terrified... She Speaks Part 6

Then it was time to get up and start a new day. I was looking forward to all I would learn and the people I would meet, and the ways that God might speak to me this day....

I settled in Saturday morning, not distracted by worry or concern (yet) about my talk that evening for the speaker evaluation group.

I had been praying for God to give me one thing to take home from She Speaks, and felt like He had really given it to me the night before, through the prayer room. Not only had He healed in the past, but He HEALS now and in the future.

But I was still expectant to learn things from the speakers and sessions of the day. Little did I know that God was going to give me several more "one things" to take home with me!

Wendy Pope got up and spoke that morning about "What to do in the W.A.I.T." When we feel we have been given something, a dream beyond our horizons or abilities to bring to fruition, what happens next? She reminded us to not ask what happens next, but ask God what happens now. What's my everyday with him now? Do I have to give up my dreams? Sacrifice them for a season for someone else?

Hmm. Maybe. Maybe I do. I have to serve Him in my now, and give those dreams up. Not that I give them up, hopelessly, figuring I will never get them back... but give them into His hands.

His capable, nail-scarred hands. His hands that gave up dreams (humanly speaking) of being the Messiah, when He died. But His hands impart life to all of us now, because He gave up the dreams, His very life, as a sacrifice for someone else... for us.

His hands are more than capable of restoring those dreams to us, after we have faithfully served Him in the now. There is so much good in the waiting.

Work out our salvation
Accept the invitation to move
Invite others to be a part of your calling
Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Pray and follow hard after His leading in the now. Move ahead, even when it seems impossible, and way bigger than where you presently are. Open up your eyes to see who God has placed around you to come alongside, someone who "gets" your calling. Even if you feel like you are running away from your calling, because of circumstances around you (if you are sacrificing them for a time for someone else) know, intimately know that God is good... know it so much with your head and deeply with your heart, so much that you can almost taste Him.

After our opening general session, I went to Lysa's break out session on "The Power of a Story." There was so much good technical information there, and she shared so many stories and how she has used them. One statement she said really resonated with me.

"We need to be living lives that have stories."

As I thought about that phrase, I finished up the break out session and moved on to my next one.

Then I started hearing God. He was impressing something on me.

I ignored Him and went into my next session.

"Living lives that have stories."

I took notes during the next session, but my anxiety was building and it was extremely difficult to concentrate.

God kept after me the whole session.
I continued to ignore Him.

"Lives that have stories."

By the time that second breakout session was done, and we were heading into lunch, my stomach was in knots.

I knew what God wanted me to do.
I didn't want to do it!

"Stories."

I trembled at the strength of His voice. Fear was stretching its cold fingers around my heart. Panic had my hands sweating, and I felt like I had been running a marathon.

With all my effort, I pulled myself together enough to walk in the door, sit at the nearest table, at an empty place. I ate quickly. Then got up and left. I skipped the dessert and headed for my room.

I stopped, and tried to distract myself from God, by looking at the book table. But again I was looking at it with unseeing eyes, as I tried to argue with God. The more I argued in my head, the stronger His voice got. The stronger His voice got, the more fear invaded me.

I know the enemy was using that fear to try to drown out God.
But the Holy Spirit wasn't going to let that happen.

I finally headed up to my room. I headed straight for my bed, and threw my bag of stuff down on it. I sat at the end of the bed, just wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep. (It's an escape for me...) I slid off bed, sinking to the floor, wondering at what I was contemplating. I pulled out my 5 min. talk and read through it again.

I kept telling God, "No, I don't want to do this. My talk is fine. It's timed out. It's what it needs to be, and I don't want to change it!"

He listened, but was still firm that I needed to change it and start it with a story. That doesn't seem so big, but I knew which story He wanted me to put in.

I finally listened, and quickly wrote, in pencil, over the top of what I had already written and printed out. I wrote out the story that He wanted me to. I knew I had to keep it short, but had to really share it well, so that others could grasp it without me going into too much detail.

It was painful, it was dramatic, and it definitely impacted how I viewed God's love for me. It tied in directly with my talk through Romans 8:35 and 37.

I left my room shaking, and headed for my break out session. I was scared. I mean, not just anxious or slightly panicky. Scared. Stiff. I wanted to be transparent with my story, and I was the night before. But to share this? To give details? To try to weave it in, when I had no time to really practice it, pray it through, anything? Oh, I was terrified. This felt way too exposed, too vulnerable.

I couldn't believe that God would want me to share this story. I referred to it when I originally wrote the talk at home, but didn't give details. Now God was really wanting me to spell it out? Really?

I was still afraid that I was making it up in my head. I was still afraid that I was taking something that could be too "sensational" and that it would distract from the rest of the message I really felt led to share.

Isn't it funny how God uses things like the next break out session to confirm exactly what He wanted you to do?

(to be continued...)

HE heals and HE promises... She Speaks Part 4

My breath caught in my throat, fresh sobs welled up as I found my name, and read the name of God by which it was so lovingly placed...

Jehovah-Rapha
The God Who Heals.

My thoughts raced back through the past few years. I remembered God has done some amazing healing in my life.

I cried tears of thankfulness for all that He had done, but I have to admit that for a moment, I almost felt disappointed. I saw the significance for my past in that, but what it meant for right now didn't sink in right away....

....I don't know why it didn't, I guess I am a slow learner....

I wrote down the scripture references on the back of my She Speaks book they gave us and went back to the chair where I had left my things.

I sat down and soaked in the peace in that room. I started thinking about heading back to my room to rest.

Then it hit me.

Yeah, I know you were probably already thinking this by now.... I said, sometimes I am a really slow learner!!!!

The God who heals.

The God who HEALS!!!

Here I was feeling so sick, anxious, exhausted, and just plain icky. I was getting more and more depressed and questioning why I was here...

...when God reminded me that He is the God who heals.

It wasn't that I felt immediate healing then. I didn't. It was a promise.

He has healed in the past.
I cried out in desperation to Him.
Why wouldn't He answer me now?

He knew better than I, what I was going to be needing that night, and the rest of the weekend. He knew that all I wanted to do was hide and not interact with anyone else for the rest of conference. But He also knew what He had planned for me.

I needed Him. More than anything, I needed Him. I needed a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me.

I got it in His name.

Jehovah-Rapha.

That flash back that I had, of the past years of healing. I don't think I consciously thought of it then, but now looking back at that night, I think it was planted then. It was a reminder to me of all He had done.

He had been with me.
He had strengthened me.
He had enabled me.

If He did it in the past, why wouldn't He now?

I sank back into that chair, crying, still feeling sick and tired. Begging God to make me feel better so I could get through the night. I picked up a slip of paper to write a prayer request, and as I tried to write, explain where I was at, what was going on, and ask for prayer... I could barely see for the tears.

I signed the prayer request, dropped it in the waiting bowl, and leaned back in the chair.

I wanted to pray, but couldn't seem to get two thoughts together coherently. I cleaned myself up a bit, and someone else walked into the prayer room and sat with her back to me on the other side of the room. I sat for a few more moments, but now was distracted and self-conscious again, so got up and left the room.

I cleaned myself up better in the nearby bathroom.

I realized that the dinner was just letting out so everyone could go to their break out sessions. At this point, I still was planning on heading to the room to rest. However, I had to walk past the room where my break out session was going to be held. As I started to walk by, I saw that the room was just starting to fill up with people.

I saw the speaker standing, getting ready.
I also saw there was a chair, at the end of a table, right near the door.

It was like I was drawn to that room by a magnet. I told myself I would sit for a little bit, and if I felt worse, I would be able to slip out. I sat down.

Shortly after that, the only other person from my church who came to She Speaks, came up behind me. Dawn and I only found out the other was going for sure, about 6 weeks before the conference. I had talked to her about it in January, and then forgotten. I signed up, then she did too, and we didn't mention it to each other again, until a mutual friend told me that she was going.

Dawn offered a seat near her. I told her what was going on, and that I wanted to be near the door in case I felt worse. She said ok, and then asked if she could pray for me.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and prayed right then and there. Needless to say, the tears started flowing again. I couldn't stop them, and by then, I didn't even try. When she was done praying she gave me a hug, and made her way back to her seat.

I sat back down as our speaker was introduced. I knew her, though we had never met...

Micca Campbell.

I had worked through her book, "An Untroubled Heart" this past year in a blog book study. I knew her story, and felt like I knew her heart.

Her session was titled, "Fear Not."

Hmm. You think that God wanted me there???

The verse she spoke on was from Isaiah 41:9-10

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant;' I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(emphasis mine)

Did you see the bold words there? Do you remember how I said that I needed to see a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me?

Several of the things that Micca said that stood out to me was that it is so easy to focus on our own weaknesses, but if we ask God, He will strengthen us and help us. She said to quit thinking about what I can't do, but think about what HE CAN do.

I don't think I need to say anything other than that. How to I expound on that? God drew me into that room, and didn't let me get up through the whole talk. At the end Micca said something, and I don't know if this is a direct quote or not, but this is what I was prompted to write down.

After she expounded on the point of "I will uphold you." I wrote this:

"I can DARE TO DREAM because He is with me, and He is for me."

That session strengthened me to go on through the night. It was like God was speaking directly to my heart. In that session, He WAS Jehovah-Rapha. He brought healing to my fears, strength to my body, and confirmation to my spirit that He had called me here. It wasn't some imagining of my own that got me here. He brought me, drew me, provided for me to get to Charlotte, NC.

I felt the sickness in my stomach subside some. I was still shaky, but it wasn't the "I'm gonna fall over dead if I don't sleep," shaking anymore.

Looking back at it now, I can see that God was working in me to heal me. He was saving me from the sticky fingers of cold fear wrapping around my heart. That coldness of fear that would have kept me from learning and growing, and pressing ahead through the weekend. God took my heart in His hands once again, and breathed His Spirit through my heart, making it living flesh.

I was still scared.
But I left that meeting room resolved to go and face my fears.

I walked towards the elevator (did I mention I HATE elevators?!) and rode up to the 11th floor, to meet my speaker evaluation group, and our group leader, Amy Carroll.

I headed towards Amy's room, hearing voices and laughter floating down the hall towards me. My steps quickened without my realization, as I came closer to where I knew God had placed me for that weekend...

(to be continued)

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 9

I am catching up a little bit! Here is chapter 9, of our book "An Untroubled Heart." If you want to catch up on reading, check out Lelia's blog.

Chapter 9: The right kind of Fear

Micca talked about how our fear shouldn't be fear of the future, or fear of the things that might happen. The fear we should have, is of God. Not fear that He will punish us, or that He is mean, or being afraid to come to Him.

A reverential fear. A fear that He is bigger and more powerful, stronger and more gracious than we can ever imagine. A healthy fear. A respect for the One who gives us life, and grace, and peace, and love.

"To fear God is not to shrink back from him in terror. It's to live an obedient life, showing admiration to the one who loves us so. Only then will we love and serve and revere him as we should."

I have learned to fear God more this past week or so. I have learned how important that is. I have learned that I need to surrender to Him, and live that obedient life. I need to do the things that He is calling me to do, in obedience to Him. When I do, it shows how much I love Him and trust Him to not harm me but prosper me, trust Him to give me a hope and a future.

I don't want to shrink back from Him in terror. I want to serve Him in love and trust.

This week I was shrinking back in terror. I was struggling with letting some things go, because I was afraid of what I thought He might do, or what He might call me to do. I was truly. It is silly, because how many times have I surrendered to Him before and He has loved me and accepted me for who I am, as I am, and been gentle with me? Yet I was still fearful.

The enemy tried to get in there and twist things and tell me that willful disobedience deserved nothing but punishment (truth) and that God wouldn't forgive me and still love me (lie). Though I might deserve punishment, God gave me mercy. Then He showed me grace by lavishing His love on me, and giving me comfort and peace instead of fear.

Though I may still be facing some of the same problems, I can rest in His care and love for me.

Oh do I love Him for that!

"...it's our love for God that compels us toward passionate obedience and enables us to receive His blessings."

I want to live that passionate obedience. It is hard, never easy, I am not saying it is. Because our minds are so prone to believe what we can see, taste, touch... things that seem more concrete. God's purposes behind some of the problems we face are much less concrete at times, but not less important. They are probably the most important.

I need to learn in the tough times to embrace the lessons God may be teaching. The best thing is, when we embrace those times, and the lessons, we love Him more, and are inspired to a more passionate obedience.

I can't close this any better than Micca did.
"When circumstances are hard, it feels like anything other than love... You and I must devote ourselves more to the revealed nature of God's love than to the reason of our natural minds."

The things that we see aren't the most important. The most important is what God truly gives us, in His love. The lessons, and not letting the most difficult moments pass by without a lesson. Those lessons reveal more about God and His nature, and our nature, and the things that we fear are not nearly as important and fearing God, Himself.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 8

I am posting SO late on some of these chapters, but I just re-read Chapter 8 and 9 of our book, "An Untroubled Heart," and felt like I needed to post on them. If you want to join in our study, hop over to Lelia's site to either join in, or read other posts on each chapter.

Chapter 8: Overcoming the fear of the Unknown

So much of my life has been consumed by worrying. I have found myself worrying about the future. Then, in my worry, I have tried to figure out what all the different possibilities could be that might happen, and plan for each one. I might not "physically" prepare, but I "mentally" prepare, and plan out my actions.

It has driven me insane at times, because, even in the little things if I plan something out and it changes, then I feel like I am thrown for a loop. I get all bent out of shape, because the control I was trying to have over the future, is suddenly wrenched away from me.

"In order for us to experience His life in ours, we have to make a choice. We can either continue to live our lives our own way - by holding on to fear, doubt, and control - or we can die to self and allow Jesus to live His life of wisdom, faith, power, and holiness through us."

"Yielding to God's will means that when we come face-to-face with a problem we've never encountered before, we can maintain our peace and actually look forward to the next step God has for us."

It's hard to make that choice to let things go and trust in God. But the freedom after making that decision is more than worth the struggle to let go.

Even the pain of situations is worth the hurt.

"...unpleasant things will happen to us in this world. They're out of our control. Yet in God's economy, every fear, every pain, every sorrow, and every loss is not wasted. God uses these little deaths to make us more like Him."

As I suffer through something, a part of my character is changed to look more like God. It is not always easy, and does cause some pain at times as God chisels away at us, removing things that need to be taken away so that we look more and more like Him. As we let Him chisel away at our imperfections, not only do we look more and more like Him, we become more and more like the people He created us to be.

Our characters change from the small (and big) deaths in our lives. We also gain because we get closer to God. Our relationship becomes deeper. We trust Him more. Surrendering our fears of the unknown, and letting go of that desire to control our own future, and trusting ourselves to His care (even when it hurts) changes us, deepens our relationship with God, and makes it more possible for us to engage with others. We are able to share our difficulties with others, the lessons we have learned, and help them through difficulties of their own.

God is so good, even when it is hard.

It has been hard these past few weeks, but God has proved so faithful. When I finally have surrendered to Him, He has changed my heart and helped me surrender to Him. He has helped me trust Him on a deeper level.

And that is worth everything.

Emotionally disengaging...

This week has left me in a blur. Since posting last week about my struggles, the struggles got harder as the week went on. As they did, I found the struggle with my emotions got more intense as well.

One of the things I have been doing is working my way through the book by Peter Scazzero, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."

I have been blown away by this book. It is so good. Way better than I expected.

At Cindy's suggestion, I have paused myself at reading only one chapter at a time, as slowly as I can, so that I can really soak it in, and take notes as I go through it...

But before I go there... here is something I prayed as I processed after my last post. I recognized that though I had shared pretty freely what was going on with me, and though my heart was/is shame-filled at it all... my heart is also one more thing.

Hard.

Here is my prayer, directly to God.

"Lord God - Daddy - I don't know how to open my heart to the work you want me to do. Or the work you want to do in the area of how I view money and our finances and how ti fix it, and change that heart attitude. Right now, my heart is still cold towards it and I still want to stubbornly do my own thing - not yours. Oh I hate to pray this because i know it is what you want... soften my heart - make it living and pliable in your hands. Reform it to look more like you. I don't want to be static and unmoving and unmoved. If I continue to hold you at a distance in this area of my life, how can I ever be fully surrendered? Oh breathe your living Spirit through me. Your very breath of life and quicken my heart and soul to respond to you. I need you more than ever."

I prayed that prayer, but am not sure how much my heart engaged in it. I prayed it because I know that is what God wanted, not because I wanted to pray it.

As I was reading this book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality," I read something about how so many times when we are emotionally immature, but don't want to face it, we try to fill up ourselves with the newest discipleship models, new spiritual disciplines, but they never fill us up... because we can't separate emotional maturity from our spiritual maturity. We can never reach spiritual maturity, when we don't ever address our emotional life. When we are emotional infants, we are spiritually immature. As we address our emotional maturity and do the hard work of growing in that area, our spiritual maturity grows as well... God works them together and grows them together. It can become a revolutionary change in our lives, and in the lives of those around us.

(Did I mention this is an incredible book and I haven't even gotten past the first chapter?!)

Well, as Scazzero was talking about trying to fill the emptiness, this thought popped into my head.

"Why do I find myself disengaging when in a group right now?"

I find myself in a group of people, and emotionally and mentally becoming distant, especially when I don't have to specifically engage with anyone at that moment. I find myself lonely in a group. I find myself wanting to pull away, just stay home and sleep. I don't look forward to public events, even not wanting to "do" mother's day... I was doing something the other day with my husband, and found myself completely socially, emotionally and mentally disengaging, and pulling inward.

I know that depression has a lot to do with it. I don't know if it is connected with being on the borderline between extrovert and introvert or not. I know that I can appear an extrovert in some settings because I can do the "acting" and have to work hard sometimes at appearing even natural in certain situations... I don't know.

Where I used to be more energized by being in larger groups (in college) now I find that I am becoming more comfortable with small groups, and one on one get togethers, rather than the larger groups...

...and the larger the group, the harder I have to fight this tendancy to become disengaged. I have had to fight this tendency even more this past week or so. It has gotten stronger, maybe as I have struggled with my emotions more this week too.

I don't know if anything even really connects here.

But God is doing something. I don't know what. My heart is resistant to the changes He wants to make in it. I am still fighting that. I am consciously having to fight the strong desire to withdraw and disengage and get out of group events.

Wednesday, my son is going on his first field trip, with his 4k class. They will be taking a bus, for about a 40 minute ride to a nearby town that has a small zoo. I have been asked to chaperone. I remember as a kid, always wanting my mom to come, and rarely was she able to, so when Peter (with that spark of fear in his face) asked if I would come, I said I would.

Right now, though I won't do it, I want to get out of going. I could ask Dave to go in my place, but I know Peter wants me to go.

I am fearful of having to fight that urge to disengage. And I don't want Peter to see me fighting fear, or fighting depression or whatever during the day. I want him to experience the zoo as fun and school field trips as something to be looked forward to, not feared.

I guess all I can ask is for more prayers.

God is taking me on a refining process. He has for the past several years. Because I have a blog, and tend to write through things, you are coming on this journey with me... provided you are still hanging with me here.

Thank you for praying me through these things. I hope that I can and have been sharing the "good" moments as well... the moments of answered prayer.

In the morning I am getting together with Cindy to talk through the first chapter in this book. I am hoping that we will be able to have the time to really get into some of the things that have been bothering me. There is more, beyond what I have shared here, and I am just praying that God will orchestrate what time we have.

Please pray with me that God will bring up the things I need help processing through and the things that I can work through on my own with Him will be left for later.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 7

Welcome to our "Yes to God" study hosted by Lelia. Please join us... read along with us... comment freely~

Chapter 7: What's the Worst that Could Happen?

For me, that is a hard question to answer. There are fears that are preying on my mind. I always have them, but there are times when I am able to push them away or drown them out.

The past few years I have fought fears.
Fears of failure.
Fears of the past.
Fears of the future.

Fears.
Tons of them.

I know that many of them were played up by the enemy as well, because come on. Would he really want to see a child of God succeed, and grow and be productive in the Kingdom?

I like Micca's point that the very worst thing that could happen to anyone is to not know Jesus, and be eternally separated from Him.

I am so grateful to be His child. I can call Him "Abba, Father" because I have been given the spirit of adoption. He is my Father. I am His child. There is no comfort on earth better than that.

When I can boil it all down to that, my fears do seem to melt away.

But, as I live and breathe, things crowd in and take over, and life happens, distractions come. I lose my focus. It gets foggy. It gets muddy. Suddenly I feel like I am living under this huge weight.

It's a weight today, that only briefly, as I distracted myself by window shopping with my son, lifted.

It was a warm day, sunny for the most part, and we had a mommy and son day, doing some of our favorite things.

It was nice. It was really very fun.

I came home and reality crashed in.

Now my stomach is in knots again.

I am coming down a bit from the emotional high I was on from last week. That isn't what is causing the knots though. I would say that I am at a "lower emotional level" (like that dancing with words?).

Its some other circumstances... that frankly, I am not helping right now. My hubby wants me to get a job. I haven't yet. I should. We will be extremely lucky if we don't get overdrawn before the next check comes in. Literally. And it comes in on Thursday. You know the check that will over draw us? Our tithe check. If it gets deposited tomorrow.

Yes.
Our. Tithe. Check.

i feel pretty small right about now....

And I am trying to figure out how the heck to get even $10 into the bank before the check gets deposited by the church.

Ugh.

And so I am wide awake. Exhausted. A headache. A knot in my stomach. A sore back. And I feel like I could throw up.

Then I read this:
"Christ's provision goes far beyond heaven and earth. When you and I face the unknown, God is there, leading the way through our unknown territory until we are safe on the other side."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I know His history with me.
He has made that above statement a true one.
I can wholeheartedly agree with it...
concerning my past.

Intellectually, I can agree with it concerning my future.

But my heart?

Humpf.

My heart isn't having any of it...
which is why I still feel like throwing up.

My head keeps telling me I was dumb to put that tithe check in the offering plate this Sunday because I knew how close we were running this week to hitting "red." But I heard this little voice say, "Trust Me." So, with a deep breath I put it in, and let it go.

Then proceeded to use my credit card when I needed, or wanted, to buy something this week. So, where is the trust in that???????

Yeah, I took it into my own hands immediately that afternoon. When I went to the store to get some things we didn't need. Things I wanted.

So... should I really try to scrape up $10 to save us a $30 fee, or do I take my punishment for not being a good steward? It's one check. One item that will overdraw us. We won't spend anything till his check clears our account on Thursday... but I am not even going to want to look at the account on line... especially when it comes time to pay some bills.

Ok... so I don't know if this post had anything to do with this weeks chapter, or if I am just venting. But I look at the question, and apply it to my life... what's the worst that could happen?

I say to myself, and to others... well, we could lose everything, but we won't lose his job, because its a stable profession (at least right now they aren't firing nurses in our area!). We can always move in with his folks at the farm, and no one will let us starve to death....

But, inside I quiver when I say that, and pray that God won't make it come to that. But He just might. To get my attention. I can't blame it on my hubby's lack of money management skills. I can't blame it on mine. It's deeper than that. It's a control issue. It's a heart issue. It's a greed issue. It's a "I want it all and I want it now" issue. It's an issue of not being able to really take hold of and apply the delayed gratification principle.

It's an issue of trust. Letting go of the things that I think I need. The things I think I want. The things that I try to fill my emptiness with.

I try to go "cold turkey" and really clamp down on my spending. I may not be able to control anyone else's spending, but I can control mine. So... nada... nothing. Be careful. Get only the milk needed and not one extra thing more....
Then slowly I loosen things up a bit... without really realizing it, and suddenly I have my credit card out all the time, the bills go up, my "appetites" go up, and my control goes down. I justify it by telling myself I don't go out and spend it all on clothes, though I would love to go get some clothes that fit me, and stop trying to patch the jeans I have to make them work. Instead, I go out an I spend on coffee, food, extras at the grocery store, books... (oh, that's a bad one...) taking my son out to eat (twice) today rather than packing a lunch and being home in time for dinner.
and I am back in the hole... financially, spiritually, emotionally... fearful and stressed... and knowing that God has better for me, but no idea of how to get there.

I need to let God fill me. Let God show me the things I really need. Again. Show me the things that I really want. Again.

Part of my memory verse this time is from Psalm 86:11-13
Verse 11:
"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

I need an undivided heart... one wholly devoted to Him, to His truth, and His way. I need to fear Him more than fearing our financial situation (than fearing how I handle our financial situation... clamping down or burying my head...). I need to fear God above all else. A holy fear.

If I would finally give in and fear Him and Him alone, maybe I could stop striving for things to fill me up and make me feel better. Maybe I would finally be able to rest. If I fear Him, I sure wouldn't have time to fear anything else!

I want to stand firm on Him. I want to stand firm on His grace. I want to stand firm, knowing the Holy Spirit guides me... in Faith not Fear!

"In times of trouble, whether it's in our family, workplace, community, church, or world, we have to get understanding from the Holy Spirit, who leads us in all truth and supplies supernatural strength to endure until the end by faith, not fear."

Please pray friends that I would let God have control of this area in my life and heart, that currently has control of me. There is a part of me - surprise - that just isn't surrendered to Him. Honestly, I really AM afraid of what it will take to get me to the point of letting it go. It seems the times I have tried in the past, in response to the promptings of the Spirit, well, I just keep taking it back. Maybe it's come in stages, a bit at a time, as I have been willing to surrender it.... but I see my spending habits, and attitudes about money reflected back at me, in my 5 yr old (a wonderful 5 yr old mirror), and I don't like it.

Micca said:
"If you are full of worry, then it may be that you have not fully given every area of your life over to God."

I agree with that... but I also know that I made conscious decisions today that caused me to spend more than I needed to.... probably that $30 overdraft charge I am going to have... on credit. And I consciously squelched the Spirit, and said I am going to do it when I want, and how I want.... I "deserve" it. HA!

There is no graceful way to end this post. So I am just going to publish this. But know my heart is cringing right now... just because it hates being this exposed. This hits a bit too close to home to be comfortable.
I suppose playing it safe, and coming up with generic comments about the chapter would be more comfortable. But it wouldn't be honest. It would be lying. It would be saying that everything is swell, when it isn't.

How could I really say that I am actually ON the road and really WALKING with Jesus if I didn't show the pot holes, washouts and rock falls along the way...

It's raw (as my heart and stomach... oh, does it feel icky right now... can attest to) but it's real.
No apologies for that... but praying I didn't over step bounds, or this post will be gone and maybe not re-written... just so I don't get tempted to lie!

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 5 and 6

All right, folks, I feel SO way behind here. I thought to myself when I started this book that I wouldn't let myself get caught posting two chapters at once. And that I would keep up, and post on Tuesdays... yeah, well, like Lelia said this week, life gets in the way, and it has been a crazy week or so.
If you want to see more posts about our Yes to God study, pop over to Lelia's site and enjoy!

Chapter 5: Family Matters

A lot in this chapter really hit me. I sat and read it and took notes as I went through, on the things that were popping out at me, and the questions it raised in my head.

I really had a lot of questions raised when I read this quote from Micca.
"Looking back on this frightful time, I can't help but wonder what Pat and I were building into our children - faith or fear? As Christians, we should be the last people to be afraid of anything."

I agree with this part...

"We claim what Paul asks us in Romans 8:31 - 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' - but act otherwise when the foundation of our home is shaken. Our children shouldn't see fear in us. We can't say with our mouths that we trust God and contradict that trust with our actions." (emphasis mine)

Ok... this is where I struggle. I agree that hypocrisy is an issue here... when we say that God being with us should give us no reason to fear anything, because He will never leave us or forsake us, but then act fearfully, and show that fear to our kids, it is self destructing. They are much more likely to follow our actions than our words.

Maybe our kids shouldn't see fear in us. But they do. I know my kids have. All the time, in me.

Case in point.
My son.
Peter.
5 years old.

I am seeing a growing fear in him, it has been growing in him this past year. So slowly that I don't think I really realized it was happening. Ever since he was born I have struggled with depression (that, I knew) and anxiety (which I identified later). I am sorry, but babies and little kids are so tuned into parents emotions, and stress and tension and anxiety... because they are looking to their parents for a sense of well-being, that if you are fearful, they are going to pick up on it. I don't care how hard you try to hide it.

I know I have tried to hide it plenty. But it is still there. I am excited for instance for my son to go to full time kindergarten next year. But I am apprehensive, wondering if public school is the right choice for him. Once he gets into it, I think he will be ok, but well... I don't want him to close down the way I know I did when I was young. I also think, from the talks I have had with my mother in law, that Dave did the same thing.

I have seen this anxiety rising in him all year. He is great when at school. He still plays alongside other kids rather than with them, but seems comfortable with his surroundings, the teachers and other classmates. But when something new gets thrown into his schedule, he tends to melt down. Either emotional melt downs at home, or immediate reactions of fear.

I really realized the extent of it, or maybe God showed me just recently. I was sharing with Peter about a school field trip he is going to be going on to a local zoo. With his whole class and teachers on a school bus (I drive him to school cause it's so close right now). His immediate reaction?

Fear.
Shrinking back.
Saying he didn't want to go.

Recently as we have been praying at night, he has mentioned having bad dreams. So I have prayed specifically in that area for him. Then when we are done praying I have re-assured him that God is with him and will never leave him alone. Peter's response? "Yes He will. He doesn't stay here with me. He never does. He always leaves me alone."

So, in his first years of life, did I sow fear or faith?

Yes, our children shouldn't see fear in us. But I think they are going to pick up on it, whether we want them to or not. Because we are fallible and we are going to be afraid, even when we don't want to be.

"By putting into practice what we learn from God's Word, we make knowledge a reality in our life. One step of trust leads to another until we find ourselves living carefree in His tender care. Sometimes it's necessary to repeat these steps when fear returns, pounding on our hearts. That's okay. Repeating the process is exercising faith, not fear."

That is how they see us walking in faith not fear. They are going to see us succumb to fear, but they are also going to need to see us overcoming that fear and trusting in God, instead.

Chapter 6: Learning to Trust Again

Learning to trust again has been a huge project for me. I have encountered so much betrayal and rejection. There were instances of it prior to my becoming a Christian. But the worst of it was after I became a Christian, the instances of betrayal and rejection came one on top of another and from other Christians.

"God cares for you greatly. We are His joy and delight."

"I've found that when I'm overcome with fear, I'm not really looking for answers but for the assurance that God is near, that He's in control, and that He cares about me and my circumstances. God does care."

Slowly I have learned to trust that God is who He says He is, and that He will do what He says He will do. I have learned that He is trustworthy. Humans may fail me. No, they WILL fail me. I will feel betrayed again. I will probably be thrown down into a pit by someone again.

But I have learned that the things others have meant for evil, God will work for my good and His glory.

For so long I ignored and built up walls to protect myself. I only let a few people inside, and still felt a world of hurt. I hid the hurt. Behind a big brick wall.

I had a choice to make. We all have a choice to make.
"We can either die in our fear of rejection, or like Joseph we can trust again through forgiveness."

I have been able to bring that wall down over the past year or so. Counseling was a big help. But so was God's provision of a close family group from my church and a very good friend who was willing walk with me through the healing process. He also provided me with an outlet through my blog, and all my new friends here.

I can look back at the past couple of years, and at what I have experienced in my life. Though I would never wish this stuff on anyone. I can say that I can see how God is working it all for good in my life.

Yes, it hurts.
Yes, the healing hurts.
Yes, it IS worth it all.

"We can focus on the worries, burdens, and fears of our limited experience and miss the joy that can be ours or, like Joseph, we can take the risk, venture out, and truly believe that God has a plan. Not just any kind of plan, but one that is so good we'll be able to look back and say it was worth it."

Taking the risk is hard. Hard to trust God, and hard to trust that He will really redeem things for you. It is hard to venture out. Very scary at times. It takes a lot of hard work, gritting the teeth and getting things done.

I can remember than my counselor asked me many times in session if I "wanted to go there." She was giving me the option to back out, and not push through right then. I remember answering her, "No, I don't want to go there. But I know that I need to." I came out of those sessions so exhausted. But God did some amazing things when I was willing to cooperate with Him.

His love has flooded through my barren places. He has filled and healed me in ways I never thought possible. My God has redeemed the years the locusts have eaten...

...and there is so much more to come!

As Cindy said, it is going to be a wild ride. Hang on to God. He has amazing plans for all of us.