She obeys, He frees... She Speaks Part 8

I didn’t realize just how raw the story was, until I tried to figure out how to share it, how much to share, and how to fit it into just the intro of my talk.

Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…

So, there I was crying in the atrium of the hotel, trying to pray and surrender everything to God.

I finally was able to settle down and practice my talk, trying to time it and smooth things out. Just in time too, as I had to head upstairs to get together with everyone in my evaluation group.

I seem like I am skimming over so much. Everyone who spoke did so well. It was good for me to know that everyone was just as nervous as I was.

One amazing thing was how God really designed all of our talks. We all had different stories, different verses to talk on, different lives. But God designed each of our talks. We really all spoke about much of the same thing. How God has created us special, with our own unique talents and gifts and backgrounds. How much He loves every one of us.

God blessed my heart through each of my sisters there.

When I got up to give my talk, I was so scared. I was afraid to open up with the story....

(I know, I have been holding back what it was, because, well, though I have talked about it here on my blog as I was working through it in counseling... it's still hard to share)

......the story of how I was raped by a boyfriend in college......

I didn't go into detail. I couldn't. I didn't have much time to even fill out the story enough, or ease into it any.

It took all I had to follow God's prompting to share that story. It led so well into why I felt separated from God, and unable to receive His love, or believe that He could love me at all. The whole verses that I picked, that God gave me, were from Romans 8:35 and 37.

You know the part:

"Who shall separate us from the love of God? Shall trouble or hardship, or persecution or famine, or nakedness, danger or sword? No, in all these things were are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

It's a reminder for me, even today, right now, this very morning as I write this. No matter my past sins, the ways I fall and stumble along, God still loves me. He still looks on me with compassion and mercy. He lavishes His grace on me. Nothing can separate me.

Nothing, not even the nakedness I felt from the rape could ever separate me from God's love... even when I felt dirty, and lived with the lies that I wasn't worth anything more than being used by others.

After sharing, I finally felt such a relief.

Not just that I had shared my talk, but that I had followed God's prompting to share some of the hardest, most painful parts of my story, trusting Him to use it as He will.

I may have the opportunity to share my story, and/or a talk soon. Like in February as I am on a committee to plan a women's retreat for our church. We probably are going to use 3 people from our church family as the speakers, as we don't have a very big budget. It seems that all three of the speakers are on the committee right now. Funny how God works like that.

It may be harder to share my story, and any message God puts on my heart, with people who I will see all the time in church. However, God has put a burden on my heart for the women in our congregation that I see every Sunday. I wonder how many of them are living with secret depression, or secret shame and hurt and guilt... with burdens that they aren't supposed to be carrying... at least not alone, without others to help them.

All I know is I walked out of the speaker evaluation group with a new lightness in me.

The only way I can describe it is as if I finally got "permission" to really share my heart, and God's heart for women in pain and bondage. I had a release of sorts. From fear, from hesitancy, from resistance.

I walked into the dinner that night, in preparation for hearing Jennifer Rothschild speak in person. I had recently read through her "Self Talk, Soul Talk" book, and was doing her bible study, "Me, Myself and Lies." Both were incredible and I was greatly looking forward to what she had to say.

I didn't expect what she said, and how she shared her heart, to touch mine as much as it did. I couldn't explain it even now, though I will try...

God used her to speak right into my heart and life right where I was at....

(to be continued)

She Speaks Interrupted... but He's speaking...

Ok, this has to be short, because I am so stinking tired...
(of course that could make this longer cause I will ramble... but I will try to restrain myself)

God has done some amazing things this week. He has used Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" in a powerful way in my life. Through it He has spoken to me that I really need to draw a line in the sand. Earlier this week was horrible. Then God used Wednesday as my draw a line in the sand day.

I chose to walk forward from that day, with the determination to honor God in all I do. Whether or not my life circumstances change (I am still a wife and mom of 2 small kids...) how I HANDLE them can be totally different. I only have gotten through the 3rd chapter, but it has already affected my life in a powerful way.

I have shared in the past months that I have felt that God has started to give me dreams back. I have been thrilled to see dreams coming back into my life. It has been amazing. I never thought I could dare to dream again.

Well, as much as I have said that, it's still very scary.

I have followed the Living Proof Ministries blog for quite a while. I saw that Beth Moore was going to be in Green Bay for a Living Proof Live event yesterday and today. I really wanted to go. But after She Speaks, I figured that it wouldn't happen.

I mean, 2 events in one month? I knew we couldn't afford it.

Wednesday morning I felt prompted to just express to God the desire of my heart.

I really and I mean REALLY wanted to go to see her. Live. In Green Bay.
So, I asked God that if He wanted me to be there, that He would make it happen, because I really wanted to go.

I never even asked my husband about it or told him. Until. Wednesday. Night.

Guess what he said?

Yup.

Go for it. If I could get a ticket, go.

I was blown away. As I lay in bed that night, nearly levitating in my excitement.... I prayed about it, praised God, and knew that I had to ask someone to go with me.

My dear friend Cindy was the first person I called in the morning. She knew Beth when she (Cindy) lived in Houston. Like, her kids grew up with Beth's kids... I knew Cindy would want to go. And as it was only one night away, I figured that she would be able to do it.

She just about died when I called her and asked if I could get her a free ticket, would she want to go. She said YES, and then just about cried, cause she had a meeting this morning at church. There was no way she could get out of it.

Talk about being bummed out!!!!

I called LPM and got (amazingly, after 24+ hours of the offer being up on their blog) one of the free tickets for Green Bay.

I called and got a hotel room.

I called another friend, and told her about it and as we talked, my brain finally kicked in and I asked her to come. She called and SHE got a free ticket too.

I packed and hardly slept Thursday night. Visited Cindy in the morning and shared some of the growth things that God was doing. Then Sandy met me and off we went.


I don't know if I can describe just how cool the weekend was. Those of you who were there in Green Bay, or there via the simulcast know how high energy the worship it, how anointed the message was, and just how God used all of those to work on your hearts and lives.

He did the very same with me.

Sandy and I were able to get there early enough that we were able to get on the main floor, very close to the stage, close enough to be able to see her without looking at the huge screens. Sandy had never heard Beth speak. Had never done one of her studies (neither have I, though we are doing Esther together this fall). And Sandy hadn't been to a big event like this in years and years.

Needless to say God spoke to me, using a dynamite woman, who had devoted her life to Him, to glorifying Him, and to speaking His truth to other women around the world.

The theme for the weekend....

"The heart of your desires"

She used Psalm 37.

Yes.... God giving us the desired of our hearts. After He told me to tell Him the desire of my heart to even get there.

The BIGGEST thing that He did this weekend...
the HUGE thing...

God revealed to me how much He had healed me, and imparted dreams to me... given me dreams to dare to dream. And how He had opened up my heart to start to have desires again. I had, for so long, hidden my desires, so that I wouldn't get them crushed, taken away, or have them denied.

God has opened my heart up so much this past year or two.
Just talking with Cindy on Friday before Sandy and I left helped show me even more the progress I have made.

But God also revealed to me that (and this is word for word what I wrote down right before the sessions started this morning)

I am afraid that the desires of my heart are not in God's will - that they are driven by the flesh.
I have been afraid to dream and have desires for things.

As Beth talked more, it crystallized even more.

I fear having dreams for something more, something bigger, beyond just today. I am afraid to commit myself, all of myself to them, because what if they fall through again? I mean, I had dreams before, and when they fell apart, I was crushed and so I shut down. As I have gotten closer to dreaming again, and desiring things, Godly things, I have gotten scared. I guess of being hurt.

So, I haven't committed myself fully to the dreams and desires that God has given me recently. I have held back some.

Beth got to a part of the talk this morning, right before a half hour break... which could be used as prayer or re-dedication, or whatever we needed.... to talk about our need to commit.

We are to delight in the Lord, and to make room for delight we have to commit.
-walk away from indecision
-am I in or am I out?
-we are to commit our way to the Lord

I went up and prayed with an encourager, and then went to a spot up near the very front, that they reserved as an alter area, where you could come and kneel and pray and do your business with God, without anyone bothering you if you wanted.

I fell to my knees.
Sobbing.
Knowing God was asking me to let go.
I was afraid to.

But I was more afraid of what would happen in me if I walked away from this event without letting go. Without doing my business with Him. Right there. Right then.

I finally was able to pray, out loud (though it was so noisy in there, especially as the worship team came back out, no one heard me) and surrender.

As I started to pray there, Travis Cottrell and the team started to sing the song "Mighty to Save." Yeah.
You know the part...
"Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save...."

When they were done with the verse and went to the above words from the chorus.... well, that's when I knew He could take all my fears. He could take all my dreams and desires and He would take them, mold them, and make them His, and enable me to do what He wanted me to do.

I will end this post with what I wrote in my journal as a record of my decision.

"I commit my fears of pursuing the dreams and desires You plant in my heart to You - You are not a God who gives fear, but power, love and a sound mind. I choose to follow You, Jesus. Wholeheartedly - waiting, learning, growing - daring to dream the dreams You give me."

I am not going to follow Him, and hold part of myself back from Him anymore.

God, help me to see the times when I am holding myself back from you. Times when fear has a stranglehold on me. Continue to free me and heal me. Continue to give me the desires of my heart, and what is under my desires... what my heart's desires are. I will delight in You, Lord, and commit my way to You. Thank You for showing me that You delight in me.... I love You, Lord. I give You my heart, have Your way in me. Amen

* One of my favorite quotes I think... Delight is "a venti joy with an extra shot!" *

HE confirms, She learns... She Speaks Part 7

I was still afraid that I was making it up in my head. I was still afraid that I was taking something that could be too "sensational" and that it would distract from the rest of the message I really felt led to share.

Isn't it funny how God uses things like the next break out session to confirm exactly what He wanted you to do?

I walked into "Crafting a Noticed and Needed Message," by Karen Ehman.

Yup. That was the title.
Love how God does those things!

Now I had prayed through and picked these break out sessions well before I ever went to She Speaks. God orchestrated everything to be exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.

I could probably write a book about what Karen shared. I will try not to! But as she talked it became very apparent that I had to share the story God wanted me to. One of the first things I wrote down was this quote.

You can do teaching couched in your own story that only you can tell.
I have the right to talk about my story.
In my stories I need to be real and honest.

Hmm.

God will always be stretching you in the area of your talk.

No wonder I found it so hard in the weeks leading up to She Speaks to believe that God had really called me there, and that I struggled so hard with feeling loved by Him, no matter what. My friend, Cindy had shared that was one of the things that she always found. She was stretched and challenged on the very things that she would be teaching on in a talk, the whole time she was preparing. I believed her, but had to be reminded frequently before my trip!!!

One of the big things I took away from there (among others) was that I need to be "stuffing my files." Remembering, noticing, writing down incidents, quotes, stories and making note of where I got them from. Create a folder on my computer to quickly type down something to remind myself and save it frequently.

Karen shared about five different areas to crafting a needed message.

1. Prepare. (stuffing files, praying)
2. Write.
3. Practice. (recording self regularly, using family and friends to practice on)
4. Deliver. (using silence, no vocal crutches)
5. Live. (don't just preach it, but live it)

All of those were so good, and I was able to use them right on the spot with my talk. But there was a problem. I wish I had this information well before I had crafted my 5 min. talk. I had no time to completely rewrite it and make if flow better. I wanted to use all the things she talked about in the "writing" portion and incorporate them into my talk.

I just had to let that go.

One of the things she challenged us to do within the next week of leaving She Speaks, I have yet to do.

It's on my "list!"

First I need to pray about it, but then name 2-3 areas that I feel God is calling me to speak on. I have to pick an example/illustration from life, one from an outside source, and then pick one passage of scripture... for each of those areas. After that, I need to craft the skeleton of those talks.

That is definitely something I want to do. I am slowly coming out of my exhaustion, but have been slow to pick up on life, and start doing the things around the house I want to.

I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for letting my son go. He is heading into the "big" elementary school this year, to kindergarten. He is looking forward to it. I am wondering how it is going to change our lives.

Hmm.
Maybe there is a talk in there somewhere.
Another thing to stuff in a file folder?

It's funny how the more I write about what I learned, and go over my notes again, I find it all applying to and weaving into my life around me now. It's strange and good at the same time. So rarely have I come back from a conference and been able to retain, and recognize how things I have learned there work into my "everyday" life.

When I went into my next session by Wendy Pope, “Teaching by the Book,” I learned even more about preparing a talk. She really went in depth about using the online resources available. She gave websites and everything. It’s amazing to me just how much there is out there.

I was like a kid in a candy store! I love studying and writing and researching. Finding all these different things, well, I can’t wait to use them!

There is so much Wendy talked about that I am going to use the next time I prepare a message. Again, I was disappointed that I couldn’t use some of the stuff she shared in preparation for my 5 min. talk.

Again, I had to let it go.

A few key things she said that I just saw in my notes.

You can never pray enough.
Pray for everything God lays on your heart.
Pray for passion for His message for the event.
Ask God to give you ears to hear and eyes to see.
God speaks in more places than you church.

After Wendy's break out session, I talked with Katie. She had to go to our room and finish up her talk, and practice. I had to do the same, so I told her she could have the room, and I found a secluded corner of the atrium in the hotel, and curled up with my bible, journal and talk.

I sat, praying, journaling, and finally crying (yes, again….) as I tried to prepare myself for sharing not only the 5 min. talk, but my heart and the story God had told me to share.

I didn’t realize just how raw the story was, until I tried to figure out how to share it, how much to share, and how to fit it into just the intro of my talk.

Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…

(to be continued)

She Ponders, She's Terrified... She Speaks Part 6

Then it was time to get up and start a new day. I was looking forward to all I would learn and the people I would meet, and the ways that God might speak to me this day....

I settled in Saturday morning, not distracted by worry or concern (yet) about my talk that evening for the speaker evaluation group.

I had been praying for God to give me one thing to take home from She Speaks, and felt like He had really given it to me the night before, through the prayer room. Not only had He healed in the past, but He HEALS now and in the future.

But I was still expectant to learn things from the speakers and sessions of the day. Little did I know that God was going to give me several more "one things" to take home with me!

Wendy Pope got up and spoke that morning about "What to do in the W.A.I.T." When we feel we have been given something, a dream beyond our horizons or abilities to bring to fruition, what happens next? She reminded us to not ask what happens next, but ask God what happens now. What's my everyday with him now? Do I have to give up my dreams? Sacrifice them for a season for someone else?

Hmm. Maybe. Maybe I do. I have to serve Him in my now, and give those dreams up. Not that I give them up, hopelessly, figuring I will never get them back... but give them into His hands.

His capable, nail-scarred hands. His hands that gave up dreams (humanly speaking) of being the Messiah, when He died. But His hands impart life to all of us now, because He gave up the dreams, His very life, as a sacrifice for someone else... for us.

His hands are more than capable of restoring those dreams to us, after we have faithfully served Him in the now. There is so much good in the waiting.

Work out our salvation
Accept the invitation to move
Invite others to be a part of your calling
Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Pray and follow hard after His leading in the now. Move ahead, even when it seems impossible, and way bigger than where you presently are. Open up your eyes to see who God has placed around you to come alongside, someone who "gets" your calling. Even if you feel like you are running away from your calling, because of circumstances around you (if you are sacrificing them for a time for someone else) know, intimately know that God is good... know it so much with your head and deeply with your heart, so much that you can almost taste Him.

After our opening general session, I went to Lysa's break out session on "The Power of a Story." There was so much good technical information there, and she shared so many stories and how she has used them. One statement she said really resonated with me.

"We need to be living lives that have stories."

As I thought about that phrase, I finished up the break out session and moved on to my next one.

Then I started hearing God. He was impressing something on me.

I ignored Him and went into my next session.

"Living lives that have stories."

I took notes during the next session, but my anxiety was building and it was extremely difficult to concentrate.

God kept after me the whole session.
I continued to ignore Him.

"Lives that have stories."

By the time that second breakout session was done, and we were heading into lunch, my stomach was in knots.

I knew what God wanted me to do.
I didn't want to do it!

"Stories."

I trembled at the strength of His voice. Fear was stretching its cold fingers around my heart. Panic had my hands sweating, and I felt like I had been running a marathon.

With all my effort, I pulled myself together enough to walk in the door, sit at the nearest table, at an empty place. I ate quickly. Then got up and left. I skipped the dessert and headed for my room.

I stopped, and tried to distract myself from God, by looking at the book table. But again I was looking at it with unseeing eyes, as I tried to argue with God. The more I argued in my head, the stronger His voice got. The stronger His voice got, the more fear invaded me.

I know the enemy was using that fear to try to drown out God.
But the Holy Spirit wasn't going to let that happen.

I finally headed up to my room. I headed straight for my bed, and threw my bag of stuff down on it. I sat at the end of the bed, just wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep. (It's an escape for me...) I slid off bed, sinking to the floor, wondering at what I was contemplating. I pulled out my 5 min. talk and read through it again.

I kept telling God, "No, I don't want to do this. My talk is fine. It's timed out. It's what it needs to be, and I don't want to change it!"

He listened, but was still firm that I needed to change it and start it with a story. That doesn't seem so big, but I knew which story He wanted me to put in.

I finally listened, and quickly wrote, in pencil, over the top of what I had already written and printed out. I wrote out the story that He wanted me to. I knew I had to keep it short, but had to really share it well, so that others could grasp it without me going into too much detail.

It was painful, it was dramatic, and it definitely impacted how I viewed God's love for me. It tied in directly with my talk through Romans 8:35 and 37.

I left my room shaking, and headed for my break out session. I was scared. I mean, not just anxious or slightly panicky. Scared. Stiff. I wanted to be transparent with my story, and I was the night before. But to share this? To give details? To try to weave it in, when I had no time to really practice it, pray it through, anything? Oh, I was terrified. This felt way too exposed, too vulnerable.

I couldn't believe that God would want me to share this story. I referred to it when I originally wrote the talk at home, but didn't give details. Now God was really wanting me to spell it out? Really?

I was still afraid that I was making it up in my head. I was still afraid that I was taking something that could be too "sensational" and that it would distract from the rest of the message I really felt led to share.

Isn't it funny how God uses things like the next break out session to confirm exactly what He wanted you to do?

(to be continued...)

She Speaks and She Sleeps!! She Speaks Part 5

I headed towards Amy's room, hearing voices and laughter floating down the hall towards me. My steps quickened without my realization, as I came closer to where I knew God had placed me for that weekend...

I walked into the room and saw chairs arranged to face a music stand at the front of the room. I was greeted by Amy, and met Danielle for the first time. She and I had been corresponding the last couple of weeks. We had run across each other's blogs just before we found out that we were going to be in the same speaker evaluation group. How awesome is God?? I also saw Monica, who I met earlier that afternoon (was that really the same day??) on the shuttle ride from the airport. Katie came in shortly after me...

...and the room slowly filled with these women...
...these wonderful women of God...

...all on different roads...
...all different walks of life...
...all different stories...
...all the same amazing, awesome, God and Lover of our Souls...

Only God could have orchestrated each of the evaluation groups as He did that weekend. All the stories I heard, all the different types of people He put together, either from similar backgrounds or completely different... depending on what we all needed....

Amy Carroll was such a blessing. Her laughter and her understanding and compassion touched all of our hearts I think. She immediately put me at ease. So, though I was still nervous, I was able to settle in and relax in her presence. I praise God for her, because she was exactly the person our small group needed to lead us.

We were all relatively novice speakers. Some had been speaking before small groups, or in/around their churches. But from what I remember (and any ladies reading this please correct me!!!) none, did it very regularly.

It was a night of our telling of our stories to each other. Introducing ourselves some, where we were from, what our families were like, etc. And then we gave our testimonies. "Our Story" talks, 3 minutes in length. They were timed to give us an idea of how quickly things could go.

It was very good to get our feet wet, when we all were so hesitant and I think, truly nervous about how we would be received. I was blessed so much by everyone's story. It was amazing to hear the heartaches, the victories, the struggles, the sadness and the extreme joy that they all, we all, had tasted.

For me, it was so relieving to share my story, and to find only acceptance and love. I mean, I laid it all on the line with the first sentence.

"October, 2 years ago, found me in a hospital be, on a suicide watch. This wasn't exactly what I had anticipated when I became a believer."

Yes, I did start out that way. And no, I didn't hold anything back.

It wasn't the time or place. I had asked God to show me what to say, to give me the words, to change things at the last minute if He had to... and this is what He wanted me to say that night. To share some of how I had become a believer, but also some of what I had gone through the past few years. So, how could I hold anything back.

When I walked into that room, my tiredness had melted away. Probably because of the adrenalin kicking in.

Needless to say, after meeting all these beautiful women, and starting to share my heart with them, and starting to see the bonds we shared with each other.... I WAS WIPED OUT!

I got back to my room and dumped my stuff, and in the process, realized there was a blogger meet and greet going on downstairs.

I headed down there briefly, and caught the end of it. The main reason I went down though was to catch up with Lee and see how her night had been. We got the chance to talk some, and I got to meet Susan (a.k.a Runner Mom).

Then the fatigue set in. It wasn't even tiredness, it was beyond exhaustion.

I don't think I was even intelligible by the time I got to my room. I remember vaguely talking to Katie. I think. I got my clothes ready for the morning (I think) and headed to bed. I was asleep so quickly, and so soundly, I never heard Katie working on her 5 min. talk in the other bed, never heard her shut off the light... nothing.

Not until the alarm went off in the morning to get me up....

Then it was time to get up and start a new day. I was looking forward to all I would learn and the people I would meet, and the ways that God might speak to me this day....

(to be continued)

HE heals and HE promises... She Speaks Part 4

My breath caught in my throat, fresh sobs welled up as I found my name, and read the name of God by which it was so lovingly placed...

Jehovah-Rapha
The God Who Heals.

My thoughts raced back through the past few years. I remembered God has done some amazing healing in my life.

I cried tears of thankfulness for all that He had done, but I have to admit that for a moment, I almost felt disappointed. I saw the significance for my past in that, but what it meant for right now didn't sink in right away....

....I don't know why it didn't, I guess I am a slow learner....

I wrote down the scripture references on the back of my She Speaks book they gave us and went back to the chair where I had left my things.

I sat down and soaked in the peace in that room. I started thinking about heading back to my room to rest.

Then it hit me.

Yeah, I know you were probably already thinking this by now.... I said, sometimes I am a really slow learner!!!!

The God who heals.

The God who HEALS!!!

Here I was feeling so sick, anxious, exhausted, and just plain icky. I was getting more and more depressed and questioning why I was here...

...when God reminded me that He is the God who heals.

It wasn't that I felt immediate healing then. I didn't. It was a promise.

He has healed in the past.
I cried out in desperation to Him.
Why wouldn't He answer me now?

He knew better than I, what I was going to be needing that night, and the rest of the weekend. He knew that all I wanted to do was hide and not interact with anyone else for the rest of conference. But He also knew what He had planned for me.

I needed Him. More than anything, I needed Him. I needed a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me.

I got it in His name.

Jehovah-Rapha.

That flash back that I had, of the past years of healing. I don't think I consciously thought of it then, but now looking back at that night, I think it was planted then. It was a reminder to me of all He had done.

He had been with me.
He had strengthened me.
He had enabled me.

If He did it in the past, why wouldn't He now?

I sank back into that chair, crying, still feeling sick and tired. Begging God to make me feel better so I could get through the night. I picked up a slip of paper to write a prayer request, and as I tried to write, explain where I was at, what was going on, and ask for prayer... I could barely see for the tears.

I signed the prayer request, dropped it in the waiting bowl, and leaned back in the chair.

I wanted to pray, but couldn't seem to get two thoughts together coherently. I cleaned myself up a bit, and someone else walked into the prayer room and sat with her back to me on the other side of the room. I sat for a few more moments, but now was distracted and self-conscious again, so got up and left the room.

I cleaned myself up better in the nearby bathroom.

I realized that the dinner was just letting out so everyone could go to their break out sessions. At this point, I still was planning on heading to the room to rest. However, I had to walk past the room where my break out session was going to be held. As I started to walk by, I saw that the room was just starting to fill up with people.

I saw the speaker standing, getting ready.
I also saw there was a chair, at the end of a table, right near the door.

It was like I was drawn to that room by a magnet. I told myself I would sit for a little bit, and if I felt worse, I would be able to slip out. I sat down.

Shortly after that, the only other person from my church who came to She Speaks, came up behind me. Dawn and I only found out the other was going for sure, about 6 weeks before the conference. I had talked to her about it in January, and then forgotten. I signed up, then she did too, and we didn't mention it to each other again, until a mutual friend told me that she was going.

Dawn offered a seat near her. I told her what was going on, and that I wanted to be near the door in case I felt worse. She said ok, and then asked if she could pray for me.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and prayed right then and there. Needless to say, the tears started flowing again. I couldn't stop them, and by then, I didn't even try. When she was done praying she gave me a hug, and made her way back to her seat.

I sat back down as our speaker was introduced. I knew her, though we had never met...

Micca Campbell.

I had worked through her book, "An Untroubled Heart" this past year in a blog book study. I knew her story, and felt like I knew her heart.

Her session was titled, "Fear Not."

Hmm. You think that God wanted me there???

The verse she spoke on was from Isaiah 41:9-10

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant;' I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(emphasis mine)

Did you see the bold words there? Do you remember how I said that I needed to see a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me?

Several of the things that Micca said that stood out to me was that it is so easy to focus on our own weaknesses, but if we ask God, He will strengthen us and help us. She said to quit thinking about what I can't do, but think about what HE CAN do.

I don't think I need to say anything other than that. How to I expound on that? God drew me into that room, and didn't let me get up through the whole talk. At the end Micca said something, and I don't know if this is a direct quote or not, but this is what I was prompted to write down.

After she expounded on the point of "I will uphold you." I wrote this:

"I can DARE TO DREAM because He is with me, and He is for me."

That session strengthened me to go on through the night. It was like God was speaking directly to my heart. In that session, He WAS Jehovah-Rapha. He brought healing to my fears, strength to my body, and confirmation to my spirit that He had called me here. It wasn't some imagining of my own that got me here. He brought me, drew me, provided for me to get to Charlotte, NC.

I felt the sickness in my stomach subside some. I was still shaky, but it wasn't the "I'm gonna fall over dead if I don't sleep," shaking anymore.

Looking back at it now, I can see that God was working in me to heal me. He was saving me from the sticky fingers of cold fear wrapping around my heart. That coldness of fear that would have kept me from learning and growing, and pressing ahead through the weekend. God took my heart in His hands once again, and breathed His Spirit through my heart, making it living flesh.

I was still scared.
But I left that meeting room resolved to go and face my fears.

I walked towards the elevator (did I mention I HATE elevators?!) and rode up to the 11th floor, to meet my speaker evaluation group, and our group leader, Amy Carroll.

I headed towards Amy's room, hearing voices and laughter floating down the hall towards me. My steps quickened without my realization, as I came closer to where I knew God had placed me for that weekend...

(to be continued)

She Escapes and She Breaks... She Speaks Part 3

The longer I had to sit around that table, the worse I felt. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I spoke to Katie, and excused myself from the table....

My plan was to head for my room. I was going to skip out of the break out session, and instead try to get some sleep before our speaker evaluation, because I felt like I couldn't even think straight. When I am over tired, and don't have enough sleep... especially when I have had a severe lack of sleep and lots of activity... well, it's not so pretty. I get physically ill, and non-functional.

I didn't want to start my weekend that way, so I figured, in my own understanding, that I had better go get some sleep.

I headed out of the banquet hall, and started walking down the hall towards the atrium and elevators. The further I got from the hall, the worse I felt. I stopped at one point to figure out where I was, and where my break out session was supposed to be, and saw a room marked "Prayer room" on my map.

I sat down in a chair, and paused to take a breath, figure out the time, and try to figure out if sleeping would really help me. Or should I really try to find the prayer room?

Finally I got up and wandered back towards the hall and book table. I argued with myself the whole way. Then I saw it.

The banner that read:

The Prayer Room.

I remembered Lee telling me, just after we met each other, that she had seen my name in the prayer room, and I was going to like where it was placed. When I asked her where it was, she said I had to go into the room to see for myself.

I stood outside the prayer room for a few minutes, then turned to stare unseeingly at the book table while I tried to make up my mind about what I was going to do.

At that point I was feeling so vulnerable and ready to cry, so tired and strung out, that I was about ready to crumple into a heap.

I remembered Lee telling me that there were different names of God scattered across the tables in there, and that each person had been prayed for, and their names were placed by the name of God that God impressed on them.

I was very curious to see where my name was, that Lee had seen. I wanted to know why she was so excited about it. But I argued with myself that I had no time to do this. I needed to sleep so I could function for the rest of the evening. I didn't have time to "waste" in the prayer room.

Ha!
Time to "waste?"

Finally I gave in to curiosity, and really to God's prompting, and turned toward the prayer room door.

I felt God literally pushed me to the door. I opened it, and cautiously looked inside.

Seeing the room was empty, I walked in and let the door shut softly behind me.

I stopped for a moment near a chair and let the silence soak into me. The room was lit softly, there was gentle music playing the the background. There were chairs scattered and grouped around... along with plenty of boxes of tissues. (This was a women's conference after all, they had to know there would be tears!)

I just felt God's gentle Spirit wash over me and rest on me. I fought the urge to worry about someone else come in behind me, and just stared at the cross in the middle of the tables in front of me.

As God's Spirit fell on me, I hardly noticed as the tears started falling. I remember crying out to God, out loud...

"God, I can't do this! I am so tired and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through this conference distracted and hurting and tired. I want to hear from You!"

I was overwhelmed by the fear and anxiety that had been niggling at me all day, that I had been fighting with the Word of God all day, that the extreme weariness had finally let through. I sand into a chair, with this utter feeling of helplessness, crying... sobbing.

I pulled myself together some, and finally got up, and faced the tables. I was determined to find my name among 600 others, to see what God wanted to tell me about Himself.

It was a relief to let some of those tears out. I knew God was making my heart more tender. He was using every encounter with other people, every time I forced myself to introduce myself to someone new, every moment I was willing to surrender to Him, every talk I heard or book cover I read, to open me up. All I had been asking Him to do, up to this point was show me one thing that He wanted me to come home with.

Still with the tears flowing (though not as hopelessly as before) I got up and started reading the names of God, and scanning for my name among the hundreds there.

Then, finally I found it.

My breath caught in my throat, fresh sobs welled up as I found my name, and read the name of God by which it was so lovingly placed...

(to be continued)

She Listens and She Eats... She Speaks Part 2

The air was electric, and the sense of the Holy Spirit settling on this place was palpable...

Katie and I walked into the main banquet hall and found a table with room for the two of us to sit. It wasn't long before Cheri Keaggy was leading us in some songs and worship. Then the P31 team came in dancing to "We are family." They were so funny!

It was really awesome to see them all come in together. They all got up front and Lysa introduced them all to us and shared how much it meant to be working with all of them and to be truly family.

I remember sitting and listening to Lysa talk that night about "Finding your own remarkABLE."

You will have to remember that I was running on little to no sleep. I had been up since about 3:30am. It was a long day already and after dinner I still had a break out session and my evaluation group!

Some of the things that jumped out at me was one part where she asked what blocked our personal revival. Eventually my mind connected that with a statement she said about what do I think about more than Jesus? She brought up the verse in Jonah 2:8 that my friend Cindy has commented to me several times. (Ok, more than several times... it seems to be a theme lately)

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."
Jonah 2:8

So what is the thing that I think about more than Jesus? What is the thing that is holding me back from following Him with all of my heart? What about me is like the rich young ruler.
Wanting to follow Jesus, wondering what I still lack, and then when I hear it, am I willing to make the changes necessary to give up what I value above HIM?

I am still thinking about what it is that I value above my Jesus.

I am not 100% sure yet.

It could be my comfortable life.
My comfortable home.
My comfortable family.
My comfortable routine.

Hmm... my comfort?
Isn't Jesus all about us getting out of our comfort zones and jumping out of the boat to walk on the water with Him?

The other thought from her talk was summed up this way.

What are the things that we all go around saying, "I have to..."

I have to make supper for the kids.
I have to clean the bathroom.
I have to get groceries.
I have to go to church.
I have to spend time with God.
I have to go to work.

When you start saying those things with the "I have to" phrase, don't you start resenting those things you "have to" do?

I start thinking about all the things that make demands on my time, and wonder if any of it is really worth it.

Lysa challenged us to change how we said those statements. To think about those things we "have to" do with thankfulness.

I am able to make supper for the kids.
I am able to clean the bathroom.
I am able to get groceries.
I am able to go to church.
I am able to spend time with God.
I am able to go to work.

Doesn't that change how you look at those things? It sure does for me. Suddenly it makes me aware of how blessed I am to have these different things to do, and how blessed I am to have the health, capability, and opportunity to do these things.

I want to re-write the script in my mind that I don't "have to" follow after God, but I am "able to" follow after Him.

What a powerful way to open the conference.

Following that, we had our dinner. I must say the food was excellent all weekend. I never felt hungry.

But that night, the more I ate, the worse I felt. I started feeling light headed. I could feel my stomach getting sick. My tiredness, exhaustion really, was catching up with me. So was my anxiety about the evening and my first talk I had to give.

The longer I had to sit around that table, the worse I felt. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I spoke to Katie, and excused myself from the table....

(to be continued)

She Travels and She Meets... She Speaks Part 1

How do I even sum up... I don't think I can.

My weekend at She Speaks started with a drive down to my parents house on Wednesday afternoon.

I felt tired and distracted leaving home, so I stopped in Steven's Point, about 20 min. from home, at a park by the Plover River.

It is a beautiful park with bridges over the river.

And wonderful places to curl up at the edge of the water and reflect.

Which is exactly what I did. I curled up and rested and prayed, and asked God into this whole weekend.

I had a great deal of concern about my talks, and how it was going to go. I was worried about being there without really knowing anyone. But at the same time I kept praying that God would speak to me. I headed into the conference with fears that He either wouldn't speak to me, or that I wouldn't understand it.

I spent time that afternoon praying that God would show me what He wanted me to hear from Him... and that He would speak it in a way that I would be able to discern. I asked Him to open up my heart to Him and help me rely on Him.

Little did I know how much He would answer those prayers.

God has a way with that doesn't he?

I wish I could say that I took loads of pictures. Unfortunately, well, I didn't. I kind of forgot to pull it back out until Saturday night. And then I only took a couple of shots, and then took it out long enough to get a picture with my evaluation group, and Amy Carroll, our evaluation group leader.

Go figure... I guess you will just have to use your imagination. :)

I had to get up at 3:30 am central time on Friday morning. I knew it was going to be a long day, but I had no choice because my plane left from Milwaukee very early. I flew to Detroit, and switched planes for the flight to Charlotte, NC.

The plane flights went well. I had no trouble with connections. Only with anxiety. I was fine with the take offs, but I started to get nervous about the landings, because I just get a bit motion sick. But as soon as I started praying, God just took the anxiety away, and I could feel my spirit just calm down. I took a couple of pictures of the plane for my kids (who have never flown before) and made a teenage boy laugh next to me because I was trying to get pictures of us flying through the clouds for my 5 yr old son.

I got there, found my luggage, and found the shuttle to get to the hotel. Surprise, surprise, I met one of the women in my evaluation group on the shuttle. Monica was just such a sweet lady, full of love and laughter and made me immediately relax.

I checked into my hotel room, cleaned up, and texted my bloggy friend Lee Merrill. We finally met face to face in the hotel lobby for the first time. If you haven't met her, head over to her blog. She has such a heart for God, is so much fun, a riot actually, and a warm gentle heart. I couldn't help but love her even more than I already did, from our getting to know each other on line.

I got to meet my roommate Katie. She was such a blessing to me. Her story is a miracle of God's intervention in her life. I wish I could have gotten to know her better. I am hoping that as we continue through this year, we will be able to get to know each other better.

After Katie and I were able to talk a bit and get to know each other a little bit, we worked our way down to the lobby, and towards the banquet room where we were to have our opening session and first dinner together.

As we walked closer, I could hear the swell of women's voices. Women getting to know each other. Women anxious to meet God this weekend. Women prepared to learn. Women desiring to worship their Father together.

The air was electric, and the sense of the Holy Spirit settling on this place was palpable...

(to be continued)

Radiant face...

"Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame." Ps. 34:5

A radiant face.

That is what I want. I so want to have my gazed focused on Him, that I shine with His presence. With His love.

I want His heart to be my heart.
I want His words to be my words.
I want His mind to be my mind.

I want Jesus to guide my every action.

I want...

What does Jesus want?

I hope that as I focus more deeply on His word, my wants become His wants, because my heart draws closer to His.

So I guess the "I wants" above really aren't my "I wants" but Gods desires for me.


I am looking ahead to this weekend at She Speaks.
I am looking ahead to see what God's desires are for me.
I am looking ahead to cling to His every word to me this weekend.

I so want to hear and see what Jesus wants for me. Even if I don't get a clear idea of what that might be this weekend.

Pray for me that I might expect great things, from my great God!

Another type of preparation...

Yesterday was the day for picking our new scripture memory for our Siesta Scripture Memory with Beth Moore.

I couldn't think of anything yesterday that would work. So I prayed some about it and let it be for the night.

I woke up this morning and realized I still had to come up with something. I wasn't sure what it was going to be. As I prayed, as I did my bible study, for the Siesta Summer Bible Study, I still wasn't sure, but I felt like God was leading me to remember that I am in a battle. I am at a spot right now where the spiritual preparation is necessary. The only way I am going to fully arm myself is to remember the scripture I have been memorizing and remember that the battle is on!

My friend Cindy gave me the advice to pray on the armor of God every day. I found a prayer that is rather long, but I typed it out of a book I had been reading. It is a declaration, a spiritual warfare prayer. I got interrupted a few times by my daughter, but I prayed my way through it this morning. You know what? The burden and heaviness that I felt yesterday and agitation I felt this morning lifted.

My load was lighter. My heart is calm. My spirit is joyful.

My day hasn't turned out exactly as I had planned, or exactly as I had wanted. But I have been able to spend some longer times in prayer, and in the Word. I only have my daughter with me, so when she is content to play on her own, with me either in the room or the next room, I have been able to come here to my computer, or settle in the kitchen at the table, in my "God spot."

As I have, God just brought the spiritual armor passage (in Ephesians 6) to mind as I was thinking about some other scripture to arm myself with, when I am faced by temptation.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."
Ephesians 6:10-11

That's my scripture memory for the next 15 days preceding She Speaks. I think my next one is already picked out as well. I will switch to that on the Saturday of that conference.

Verse 12 is:
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I think these verses fit, don't you as I head into (and all the women going or facilitating) the conference.

I will not only be memorizing the first 2, and switching to the next one, but also, I will be praying these verses for myself and everyone else attending. For, oh do we need to be reminded that we are engaged in a battle, even if we don't "see" it with our physical eyes.

May God open all our eyes to see what He is doing in our lives, and what the enemy would seek to destroy. May we be aware of the spiritual battle taking place around us and let us not just sit back passively and let it happen to us. But instead, may we take up the armor and the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. May we actively take captive our every thought, recognize oppression when it is there, and take care of ourselves in a healthy way, so we are prepared to hear God's voice speaking to us.

Preparation...

Things are moving. I am getting my talks polished. I have cut about all I can and am praying what is left is what God wants me to say.... and that I am prepared to stay within the time limits. I am going to be practicing on and off all day tomorrow to see how well I can get off the paper as much as possible.

I have a friend staying with me on Friday night, and am going to employ her help in trying to figure out what I am going to be wearing. I want to look the business casual, and still be very comfortable, so that I am not distracted by hurting feet, etc, while I am trying to talk, or take notes, or anything else.

I talked with someone from my church today who is also going to She Speaks, and we shared our talks, she shared about the book proposal she is doing, and we talked about what we were worried about, anticipating. It was so good to talk with someone and get and idea of what they were thinking as well.

In all of these things though, there is one more big thing I can do to prepare. Besides my talks. Besides practicing. Besides packing and making lists.

Focus on my spiritual preparation.

I need to be praying for those in my evaluation group. For the other women coming from all over. For the Proverbs 31 team who is leading the conference. So many of them are leaving their families, with their ups and downs and struggles right now, to minister to us, and I am so astounded by all they are doing.

Just today, after I came home from going over things with the other woman from our church, I got hit. I mean, I started feeling sick. I was so exhausted I fell asleep in the hammock in our back yard while the kids played. I haven't felt like eating since lunch, just bleh.

After supper, as the kids were playing inside, before I went out with them, I felt my mood go "bleh" too. I started swinging down. I started struggling with depression. It just "hit" me. Praise God, I had the presence of mind to recognize the spiritual attack for what it was. There was no reason for me to be feeling that way. There was no thing that happened that could have brought my mood down. It just suddenly happened like a change of the wind.

I prayed. Prayed on the spiritual armor. Prayed for the Holy Spirit to come in behind and fill me to overflowing with the sense of God's love. It was just a few moments in prayer that I had, but it was enough time for me to become aware of the unseen, to bind the enemy, to pull on the armor and protection of God, and to trust myself into His care.

It is something I am going to have to be more aware of, and more deliberate, purposeful in doing each and every day.

I need to be prepared spiritually. I want to let God do in my heart what He wants, to get me ready for this conference, and for the things He would show me before I get there, while I am there, and as I come home back to my "normal" life.

I want my heart to be tender and teachable, and able to discern God's voice speaking to it, to me. I want my heart to be open and fertile ground for Jesus to plant the dreams and visions He has for me. I want my heart to beat with the passion of God for those around me, and for sharing the unique message He has given me to share.

Tomorrow I get an unexpected day to myself. I get to be with God, without kids or husband. I get to take the time out to spend time with Him. I am going to have to clean and straighten up around here, but that doesn't mean I can't do it with an attitude of worship, and with a listening heart.

Please pray for me as I head into tomorrow. Pray that I won't get distracted by the things to "do," rather that I would be able to focus on "being" with my dear Father.

That is the best preparation I could ever make.

Performance Faith...

Life keeps going, even when you are trying to slow it down to get things done, doesn't it?

I mean, last week I was working hard on getting my talks ready, so I can start to really practice them and get "off the paper" with them more.

In the meantime the laundry piled up, the mail stacked on the table, the dishes in the sink, the kids needing to eat (my hubby too), errands needing to be run....

And then God.
Oh yeah... Him.

God was in the midst of all of it answering prayers, helping me through, and showing me some new things.

As I sat at my friend's house, in a "writing retreat" essentially, I realized both talks were WAY too long. I cut and cut, finally getting my teaching talk right around 5 minutes.

Then I looked at my testimony. Hmm. This one was not so good. The testimony was fine, but after experiencing how quickly time flew by on the other one, I knew that I needed to cut a lot of what I had.

I looked at the poem I had written over a year ago, that I wanted to include. Because it really shows the heart changes that God was doing, and the visions He gave me over the last year. But after reading it, and timing it, by itself the poem took 2 minutes to read. My testimony has to be at 3 minutes.

So, unfortunately the poem had to go. As I looked at the rest of my testimony, I realized that nothing worked... except for the opening.

I got up in frustration and paced the living room. Finally I sat down in Cindy's "prayer chair," and just cried out to God.... I can't DO this!

I didn't know what to write, what to keep, what to throw out... and asked God to show me.

Guess what?
He answers prayers.

Did you know that?

I was able to go back over to the computer, and looked at some ideas that Cindy had given me, and started to type.

Ten minutes or so later, and I had scrapped the whole talk. Except for the opening sentence. When I timed it... it was just around 3 minutes.

Surprise, surprise, surprise (imagine Gomer saying that!) :)

The next day, guess what? My whole teaching talk got scrapped, except for a part of the opening, and a part of the closing... and was re-written.

Lots of editing later, and I haven't even looked at them since Thursday. I figured that if I even opened their files, I would start wanting to edit. I am waiting on that till Monday.

So, two days of crazy writing.

In the middle of that, God showed me something else.

He showed me where my frustration lately with the kids has been coming from. He showed me what could be a problem with them for the next couple of weeks, and showed me what could become a problem as I wrote my talks.

He showed me the root of my frustration and honestly, anger, at the kids was perfection. Wanting perfection. Perfection would edit my talks to death, and brow beat my kids to the death of their sense of worth.

He showed me the root of my perfectionism was something deeper. Striving to do what was right and expected of me, made me feel that if I did something wrong, I was of less value. The disapproval was too much for me to even think of, especially to this very people pleasing person.

If I base my value on what I do, and try to be perfect at everything, I set myself up for failure. I will end up depressed, and with a give up attitude, because I can't be good at everything. I also set myself up for having a "works" based faith.

Performance faith.

I think that was what got me into the mess of the past few years. I just couldn't keep the perfect mask up any more.

The last thing I want to do is instill in my kids they aren't good enough unless they are doing exactly what mommy tells them to. I don't want to pass along the pattern of performance to them, so that they think all that matters is the outside picture of doing what is "right." Because that would be so wrong, and only last for as long as they could hold up that mask. But when they got tired, and the mask fell, it could be so devastating to them. I don't wish that on them.

God made it perfectly clear in my bible study this week, that I needed to not just deal with the outside anger and frustration alone... because that hasn't been working up to this point... but I needed to deal with the root of the issue.

I AM NOT PERFECT.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE.
MY VALUE ISN'T BASED ON MY PERFORMANCE!!!!

If I don't deal with that, I am always going to be putting unrealistic demands on those closest to me.

So, in the middle of writing and praying and trying to figure out my talks, Jesus showed up.

He reminded me of what I have been writing about.

He loves me.
He loves me without condition.
He loves me not demanding perfection.
He loves me in and through my mess.
He loves me recklessly.
He loves me.

Maybe He will get that pounded through my thick skull, and lodge it deep into my heart.

Oh I pray He does.

I want to live based solely on His love. Then I can show it to my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. I want to be fully anchored in His love, so I can better love others.

Sap vs. maple syrup....

Over the next week, I will be intensively working on my talks for She Speaks. I need to organize them and focus them.

My small group leader prayed for me tonight. His prayer was exactly what I needed. The analogy he used was perfect. He said in his prayer for me, exactly what I had been thinking but didn't have the words for at the time.

Right now I have so much information and ideas....

......I need to go through the "sugaring process."

Sap comes out of the sugar maple tree, but can't be used directly on pancakes, it needs to be refined.

Boiled down.

Concentrated.

I have way too much information. The real message that I want to share, that I feel God leading me to share is getting lost in all the other stuff that is there. Maybe some of that other stuff is for me to learn, and store in my own heart for some other time.

But there is some stuff that I know is there for those who listen to me that weekend. There is some stuff that is for some others who might hear it before or after.

I need to spend this time organizing, straightening out, and clarifying what I already have written down.

More than that, I have to get concise. I have to boil off the water, and the impurities, to get down to the real, deep sweetness at the center of what God has given me to say.

I want to pure sweetness of God's word to be tasted. I want the Spirit to so speak through me, that no matter how my presentation actually goes, whether I get good "ratings" or not, God has been heard, using my voice as His instrument.

More than anything, I would love to have one person hear my testimony and see that God can heal and redeem anything, and can break the chains of bondage surrounding their heart. I want one person who hears my teaching talk to realize, not only in their head, but their heart that not one thing could separate them from the love of Christ, and that they are overwhelming victors in the middle of whatever junk they are going through... whether they feel it emotionally or not.

That would the message of each of my talks. Right there.

-----

Hmmm. That is under the time limits of 3 and 5 minutes.
You think that would fly?

No. Probably not.
Oh well, it was worth a try!

-----

But seriously. If I can take the scriptures I have and show those things, flesh them out some, and bring it back to the main point.

God's power in us brings us the victory.
His Spirit in us gives us the strength to stand in the midst of the pains and trials.
Nothing the world can throw at us will separate us from His love.

He redeems.
He saves.
He breaks the shackles binding us.

He sets us free to tell others of His wonderful deeds, and His reckless love for us.

That would be sweet!

The extra sap of overflowing thoughts and information boiled down to the pure, dark, sweet maple syrup of the truth of God active, through His Word, and in the lives of all of us.