HE heals and HE promises... She Speaks Part 4

My breath caught in my throat, fresh sobs welled up as I found my name, and read the name of God by which it was so lovingly placed...

Jehovah-Rapha
The God Who Heals.

My thoughts raced back through the past few years. I remembered God has done some amazing healing in my life.

I cried tears of thankfulness for all that He had done, but I have to admit that for a moment, I almost felt disappointed. I saw the significance for my past in that, but what it meant for right now didn't sink in right away....

....I don't know why it didn't, I guess I am a slow learner....

I wrote down the scripture references on the back of my She Speaks book they gave us and went back to the chair where I had left my things.

I sat down and soaked in the peace in that room. I started thinking about heading back to my room to rest.

Then it hit me.

Yeah, I know you were probably already thinking this by now.... I said, sometimes I am a really slow learner!!!!

The God who heals.

The God who HEALS!!!

Here I was feeling so sick, anxious, exhausted, and just plain icky. I was getting more and more depressed and questioning why I was here...

...when God reminded me that He is the God who heals.

It wasn't that I felt immediate healing then. I didn't. It was a promise.

He has healed in the past.
I cried out in desperation to Him.
Why wouldn't He answer me now?

He knew better than I, what I was going to be needing that night, and the rest of the weekend. He knew that all I wanted to do was hide and not interact with anyone else for the rest of conference. But He also knew what He had planned for me.

I needed Him. More than anything, I needed Him. I needed a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me.

I got it in His name.

Jehovah-Rapha.

That flash back that I had, of the past years of healing. I don't think I consciously thought of it then, but now looking back at that night, I think it was planted then. It was a reminder to me of all He had done.

He had been with me.
He had strengthened me.
He had enabled me.

If He did it in the past, why wouldn't He now?

I sank back into that chair, crying, still feeling sick and tired. Begging God to make me feel better so I could get through the night. I picked up a slip of paper to write a prayer request, and as I tried to write, explain where I was at, what was going on, and ask for prayer... I could barely see for the tears.

I signed the prayer request, dropped it in the waiting bowl, and leaned back in the chair.

I wanted to pray, but couldn't seem to get two thoughts together coherently. I cleaned myself up a bit, and someone else walked into the prayer room and sat with her back to me on the other side of the room. I sat for a few more moments, but now was distracted and self-conscious again, so got up and left the room.

I cleaned myself up better in the nearby bathroom.

I realized that the dinner was just letting out so everyone could go to their break out sessions. At this point, I still was planning on heading to the room to rest. However, I had to walk past the room where my break out session was going to be held. As I started to walk by, I saw that the room was just starting to fill up with people.

I saw the speaker standing, getting ready.
I also saw there was a chair, at the end of a table, right near the door.

It was like I was drawn to that room by a magnet. I told myself I would sit for a little bit, and if I felt worse, I would be able to slip out. I sat down.

Shortly after that, the only other person from my church who came to She Speaks, came up behind me. Dawn and I only found out the other was going for sure, about 6 weeks before the conference. I had talked to her about it in January, and then forgotten. I signed up, then she did too, and we didn't mention it to each other again, until a mutual friend told me that she was going.

Dawn offered a seat near her. I told her what was going on, and that I wanted to be near the door in case I felt worse. She said ok, and then asked if she could pray for me.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and prayed right then and there. Needless to say, the tears started flowing again. I couldn't stop them, and by then, I didn't even try. When she was done praying she gave me a hug, and made her way back to her seat.

I sat back down as our speaker was introduced. I knew her, though we had never met...

Micca Campbell.

I had worked through her book, "An Untroubled Heart" this past year in a blog book study. I knew her story, and felt like I knew her heart.

Her session was titled, "Fear Not."

Hmm. You think that God wanted me there???

The verse she spoke on was from Isaiah 41:9-10

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant;' I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(emphasis mine)

Did you see the bold words there? Do you remember how I said that I needed to see a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me?

Several of the things that Micca said that stood out to me was that it is so easy to focus on our own weaknesses, but if we ask God, He will strengthen us and help us. She said to quit thinking about what I can't do, but think about what HE CAN do.

I don't think I need to say anything other than that. How to I expound on that? God drew me into that room, and didn't let me get up through the whole talk. At the end Micca said something, and I don't know if this is a direct quote or not, but this is what I was prompted to write down.

After she expounded on the point of "I will uphold you." I wrote this:

"I can DARE TO DREAM because He is with me, and He is for me."

That session strengthened me to go on through the night. It was like God was speaking directly to my heart. In that session, He WAS Jehovah-Rapha. He brought healing to my fears, strength to my body, and confirmation to my spirit that He had called me here. It wasn't some imagining of my own that got me here. He brought me, drew me, provided for me to get to Charlotte, NC.

I felt the sickness in my stomach subside some. I was still shaky, but it wasn't the "I'm gonna fall over dead if I don't sleep," shaking anymore.

Looking back at it now, I can see that God was working in me to heal me. He was saving me from the sticky fingers of cold fear wrapping around my heart. That coldness of fear that would have kept me from learning and growing, and pressing ahead through the weekend. God took my heart in His hands once again, and breathed His Spirit through my heart, making it living flesh.

I was still scared.
But I left that meeting room resolved to go and face my fears.

I walked towards the elevator (did I mention I HATE elevators?!) and rode up to the 11th floor, to meet my speaker evaluation group, and our group leader, Amy Carroll.

I headed towards Amy's room, hearing voices and laughter floating down the hall towards me. My steps quickened without my realization, as I came closer to where I knew God had placed me for that weekend...

(to be continued)

Stuffing and running...

Oh I have had so many words and thoughts and emotions the past few days. I don't even know what to say.

God has been working on me.
On my heart.

As I have been reading "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero, as well as using his "Daily Office" as my devotionals, God has been using them in my life.

What have I been doing?
I have been running.

I have used a myriad of ways. But no matter what I have been doing, I have been running.

These two books have been talking about dealing with inner pain.

Get this quote from "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."
"Rather than keeping busy to avoid my inner pain and disappointments, I needed space to explore my feelings and wrestle with anger, shame, bitterness, grief, jealousy, fear or depression - in an open contemplative way before God."

I have been keeping busy, I have been using other escapes to keep from feeling my emotions. I have been successfully stuffing them.

Just like I used to do. Just as I have always been well practiced up on.

Stuffing emotions. Don't let them overflow.
Don't allow them out, because if you do:
you can't control them, they control you.

Stuffing and running.
Running and stuffing.

Yesterday, I couldn't even identify what I was feeling. I felt numb, for the most part, but I did recognize depression too. We had our small group to our house for a cook out by the fire. We worshiped outside around the fire before the mosquitoes drove us inside. We prayed inside then, and broke up.

Later, one of my girlfriends from the small group and I went back out to the fire and sat and talked. Dave came and joined us for some of the time. We had a really good conversation, and she shared how God was really breaking through some things for her, and helping her into some major healing. It was so good to hear.

There is something about a fire at night, maybe its the warmth of the flames, the feeling of anonymity, I don't know. It prompts being honest and open. I was able to share with my girlfriend the feelings of stuffing my emotions, the questions from my devotional that have set me thinking, and the avoiding I have been doing.

I was able to share that much. I don't know if I have more words now; to describe what is going on.

I don't think I have been feeling I have been going backwards, per se, but I have definitely been having a harder time dealing with my emotions. And my old nature, old habit coping mechanisms come in yet again. I fight them, and sometimes I win, but not all the time.

I have this feeling of emptiness at times, and a disconnect, and this longing to be filled. Sometimes I am able to lean on God for that filling, and He helps me through. Sometimes I pray and ask for that filling and it seems like He isn't listening and doesn't answer. That's when I tend to go to coping mechanisms... and not healthy ones. Sometimes, especially if I am disillusioned, I don't even bother going to Him. Also, not a good, nor recommended choice.

There was a quote from my devotional today;
"As we go back to go forward, we find that it is a never ending process. We go back, breaking some destructive power of the past. The later, on a deeper level, God has us return to the same issue on a more profound level."

And another one talking about how the Holy Spirit investigates our whole life, digging away layer by layer, eventually getting down to the bedrock, our earliest emotional life.
"Hence, as we progress toward the center where God is actually waiting for us, we are naturally going to feel that we are getting worse."

Maybe I am revisiting some old things I thought were done with... or old habits... or old parts of myself that I thought were surrendered.

I believe it is God directed, not self induced. Spirit led, not emotions based on chemical imbalances. Maybe chemical imbalances have something to do with how I am handling the emotions, and the heightened scrutiny of my emotional life, but I believe that this is all held, guided, led by God.

The other day I was sitting, trying to figure out what was going on. I remembered at church this past Sunday, a friend sang special music, talking about Jesus hands being open, reaching out to us. I just got this sense of Him reaching out to me and as I put my hands in His, He pulled me up, and into His embrace. I looked out the window, and across the road was this huge tree. I just got the sense that I was clinging to the trunk of that tree. It swayed in the wind, bent with the storms, but never broke or faltered. It gave shade in the heat, shelter in the rain, and stood through the winters harsh gale, only to bud and flourish the coming spring.

Now I know the analogy breaks down, because trees do die, they do fail, and if the wind and storm is strong enough, they will uproot.

But not only am I clinging to the tree (the cross) He is clinging to me. His arms are wrapped around me. I don't know what that means. I mean I KNOW in my head. But my heart, it just doesn't get it right now. It does to a certain extent, but maybe this is God's move to help my heart understand it on a deeper, more profound level.

God is moving. He is. He gave me just a glimpse into what my marriage could be, if I can break free of my inhibitions, and fears of confrontation, and fears of not being heard or understood... and showed me how freeing, and strengthening it could be. Oh, have I been praying for Him to bless our marriage. How I have been praying for Him to break me free of the past enough to really embrace my present and future.

God is moving. He has used me to help my girlfriend, who has gone through some similar things I have in the past, and done some of the same things I have done. She went through the Steps to Freedom by Neil T. Anderson with a couple in our small group. And the change in her countenance was amazing yesterday.

God is moving. He gave my husband and I a date night. One of the first in a really, really long time. Where it was truly just us out. No kids, no other commitments, no stealing time together when he was working a slide show for a wedding or anything like that. Us, dinner and a movie.

I know in my head God is moving. I can see it with my eyes. I hear the wind of His Spirit sweeping down over me, and I get fearful. Even when I know He is using His cleansing fire to purify me and burn away the dross, it is painful. To die to the old and live for the new is painful, because something DOES have to die!

Maybe when I can sort things out, when I am not so tired, I will be able to write more. I have had more insights today, but right now, this is all I can write.

I am praying that God will give me words. I am praying that God will yet again show Himself glorified through me. I feel frustrated that I am writing again, of struggles and emotional ups and downs. I am frustrated that I am struggling with depression some too.

It's just, well, not what I wanted... not where I planned myself to be, when I am less than 2 months out from going to She Speaks, and needing to have 2 talks prepared. When I am supposed to be getting ready the music for VBS. When I am supposed to be looking for some sort of job. When I am supposed to be enjoying my summer with my husband and kids. When I am supposed to be preparing my son for Kindergarten.

This is not in my plans God!!!!
But it isn't about me or my plans, is it?

This is something that really hit me as I read the book, and as I am out of words, I am going to close with this prayer that Scazzero wrote for the end of Chapter 3, in "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."
"O Lord, slow me down that I might pay attention to you through this day, that I might meet you even as I read these pages. It is safe to walk with you whether I feel like it today. You are a secure place. Anchor me to you today, O Lord, amidst the storms and trials going on around me. Break me free from all thoughts and ideas about you that are not true. Unleash a spiritual revolution in my interior, Lord Jesus. Set me truly free, O Lord, that I may be a gift to those around me. In Jesus name, amen."
(emphasis mine)

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 8

I am posting SO late on some of these chapters, but I just re-read Chapter 8 and 9 of our book, "An Untroubled Heart," and felt like I needed to post on them. If you want to join in our study, hop over to Lelia's site to either join in, or read other posts on each chapter.

Chapter 8: Overcoming the fear of the Unknown

So much of my life has been consumed by worrying. I have found myself worrying about the future. Then, in my worry, I have tried to figure out what all the different possibilities could be that might happen, and plan for each one. I might not "physically" prepare, but I "mentally" prepare, and plan out my actions.

It has driven me insane at times, because, even in the little things if I plan something out and it changes, then I feel like I am thrown for a loop. I get all bent out of shape, because the control I was trying to have over the future, is suddenly wrenched away from me.

"In order for us to experience His life in ours, we have to make a choice. We can either continue to live our lives our own way - by holding on to fear, doubt, and control - or we can die to self and allow Jesus to live His life of wisdom, faith, power, and holiness through us."

"Yielding to God's will means that when we come face-to-face with a problem we've never encountered before, we can maintain our peace and actually look forward to the next step God has for us."

It's hard to make that choice to let things go and trust in God. But the freedom after making that decision is more than worth the struggle to let go.

Even the pain of situations is worth the hurt.

"...unpleasant things will happen to us in this world. They're out of our control. Yet in God's economy, every fear, every pain, every sorrow, and every loss is not wasted. God uses these little deaths to make us more like Him."

As I suffer through something, a part of my character is changed to look more like God. It is not always easy, and does cause some pain at times as God chisels away at us, removing things that need to be taken away so that we look more and more like Him. As we let Him chisel away at our imperfections, not only do we look more and more like Him, we become more and more like the people He created us to be.

Our characters change from the small (and big) deaths in our lives. We also gain because we get closer to God. Our relationship becomes deeper. We trust Him more. Surrendering our fears of the unknown, and letting go of that desire to control our own future, and trusting ourselves to His care (even when it hurts) changes us, deepens our relationship with God, and makes it more possible for us to engage with others. We are able to share our difficulties with others, the lessons we have learned, and help them through difficulties of their own.

God is so good, even when it is hard.

It has been hard these past few weeks, but God has proved so faithful. When I finally have surrendered to Him, He has changed my heart and helped me surrender to Him. He has helped me trust Him on a deeper level.

And that is worth everything.

Silence, resting in Him, and a heart change...

I don't know if any of you have heard of Peter Scazzero's small devotional book called, "Begin the Journey with the Daily Office" before.

If you have, and you have used it some in any sort of way in your life, you will know what I mean when I say this is making a huge difference in my walk with God.

The beginning of this week, I was still resisting God. I have been fighting him when he has wanted me to just surrender at least one area of my life to him that I have been holding out on. I was still acknowledging that I needed to do something, but not willing to take the steps I knew it were necessary.

The Daily Office really encourages spending some extended time (starting small and building up to longer times) being still before God and centering in on resting in his presence. I found it extremely hard to do so as I started this week. Probably because I knew my heart wasn't right.

My heart wasn't surrendered, so why would it find it easy to center in and quiet itself before God?

But as I walked through this devotional, my heart softened. As I read through the prayers about surrendering and being silent, and read through them out loud as suggested, something changed.

How can you read prayers, and pray prayers and seek God's presence without being changed?

Scazzero provides you with guides to prayers, a scripture reading, a devotional section (short), a question to consider, and a written prayer. There are two for each day; morning/midday and midday/evening; to fit your schedule as needed or as wanted. The point is to settle yourself before God for 10 minutes to 20 minutes or more as you have time, two or more times a day, depending on your daily routine and schedule. The idea behind that is, the more you take time out of your day, trusting God to help you get done what is really needed, laying down your control of the day, you take God with you into every part of your day. It reminds you that God is really with you. You are able to practice being in His presence through out the whole day, rather than "filling up" in the morning with a quiet time to "get what you need" for the rest of the day.

It has changed the way I think about my devotions with God. Whether I do one in the morning when I get up (which is preferrable to me, so I don't get busy with the kids, and my mind get going without first committing everything to Him) and one again at the end of the day, right before bed; or whether I do one at lunch and another just after supper, or any combination, I am more likely to stay with God throughout the day.

I don't just hurriedly say a quick prayer for the people I remember. No laundry list of prayers with a hurried reading, and hurried "oh, and God help me through this day... show me what to do, Amen."

This really forces me to slow down. To take my time. To start and end with at least 2 minutes of silence. When I find I am having trouble staying silent without my brain taking off, I take a small bit of scripture that I might be memorizing, and just pray through and meditate on a phrase of it, asking God to show me something that I haven't noticed before. Then I move on with the office for that day.

The rhythm of taking time out, then working some, then taking a bit more time out for resting in God, really has seemed to help my days. Now I am only on about day 4 right now, but already I notice a difference. My spirit seems so much more settled, even when there are things going on that I could be (and do still) worry about.

Some of the questions, or comments that have come up in the past few days from this book have really impacted me.

"Help me to listen to you and grant me the courage to faithfully surrender to you."

"God, sometimes, wounds us in our journey with him in order to move us out an unhealthy, 'tip of the iceberg' spirituality to one that truly transforms us from the inside out."

"Lord, I invite you to teach me to live in dependence on you. Help me rest and be still in your love alone."

"[When I am still] God can break through the many layers with which I protect myself, so that I can hear his Word and be poised to listen.... most of our human problems come because we don't know how to sit still in our room for an hour."

"Lord forgive me for running my life without you today. I offer my anxieties to you now - as best I can. Help me to be still, to surrender to your will, and to rest in your loving arms."
(excerpts from "Daily Office" pgs. 6-11)

Just sit and read through those passages again and let them sink in. As I have had time to soak them in, to really hear them in my heart as well as my mind, my heart has been changed.

The time in silence has become comfortable again. I have found the comfort in God's presence, in his word, in silence before him. I (for the most part!!) am not afraid to hear from him and what he might say.

I am looking forward to seeing what else he will teach me through this time of silence and seeking him several times a day. I am more hopeful, though there are still the same struggles as before. I feel like, through this, through the times of silence and contemplation before him, he has said to me, "It's ok, I am here and I am going to walk with you through this."

One of the biggest things I have felt, almost spoken aloud to me happened just the other day.

I felt God speaking to my heart.

I have filled you with my Spirit, you have power beyond your own.
I have covered you with my Son, you are cleansed, forgiven.
I have adopted you as your Father, you are set free and my heir.

There is nothing better than that realization.

The depression, anxiety, worries about money, worries about a job, fears for the future, concerns about family and friends, struggles with knowing who I really am, who I was created to be....
Those all pale in comparison to who I am in Christ, what my Father has given me, and how richly I am blessed.
Those other things are still there. But so is my Father. To Him I can run in everything, with everything.

May God bless you this day, and may you find time to silence your heart and mind before Him and rest in His presence.

Joyfully on the road,

Who am I, really??

I feel like shouting...

"Will the real Heather, please stand up!"

I really do.

I am not really sure who I am anymore.

Through the past couple of years, as I have healed, God has broken down the walls and constructs I have built up to protect myself. He has demolished some of the "false selves" I have presented to the world as the "real me."

As those have come down, as my defense mechanisms have been shown for what they are, I have been left reacting to things differently than I used to.

I have found myself withdrawing, and disengaging in larger groups. I used to, at least for the most part, get into the middle of a group, and engage in a conversation or two. As long as I wasn't left sitting alone, I was ok. I wasn't looking to be the center of attention, but I was looking to be kept "occupied" so that I wouldn't feel the pain inside, I think.

I have found myself needing more alone time. Actually feeling more harried, impatient, and almost unhealthy if I don't get any for a while. I used to keep going and going, bouncing from one Christian activity to another. It felt, at the time that I was energized when I came away from these things. There were times that it was hard for me to wind down after being with a group. I thought that was because I was energized being in a group. I am thinking now, that it was a way for me to cope again with pain deep inside. If I could keep hyper during and after something, I could keep myself from feeling how truly lonely I was on the inside.

Now I am becoming at least a little more comfortable being alone, and by myself. I am enjoying it, rather than being overwhelmed by the silence. I find I can enjoy the silence and don't "need" music on in the background, or the TV on or something.

Here is a quote from chapter 2 of "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero.

"God intends our deeper, truer self, which he created, to blossom freely as we follow him. God has endowed each of us with certain essential qualities that reflect and express him in a unique way. Part of the sanctification process of the Holy Spirit is to strip away the false constructs we have accumulated and enable our true selves to emerge."

There is more too... I think I am going to be learning a lot as I go through this book with Cindy. I am done with chapter two, but I think I am going to have to keep processing it a bit at a time, as things come up.

But, I am not who I thought I was.

Now I feel lost.
I don't have the same reactions to situations I used to.
I find emotions sneaking up on me at unexpected times.
I get caught off guard.
I don't know what to expect.
I feel lost.

God, who am I? Who did you create me to be?

Emotionally disengaging...

This week has left me in a blur. Since posting last week about my struggles, the struggles got harder as the week went on. As they did, I found the struggle with my emotions got more intense as well.

One of the things I have been doing is working my way through the book by Peter Scazzero, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."

I have been blown away by this book. It is so good. Way better than I expected.

At Cindy's suggestion, I have paused myself at reading only one chapter at a time, as slowly as I can, so that I can really soak it in, and take notes as I go through it...

But before I go there... here is something I prayed as I processed after my last post. I recognized that though I had shared pretty freely what was going on with me, and though my heart was/is shame-filled at it all... my heart is also one more thing.

Hard.

Here is my prayer, directly to God.

"Lord God - Daddy - I don't know how to open my heart to the work you want me to do. Or the work you want to do in the area of how I view money and our finances and how ti fix it, and change that heart attitude. Right now, my heart is still cold towards it and I still want to stubbornly do my own thing - not yours. Oh I hate to pray this because i know it is what you want... soften my heart - make it living and pliable in your hands. Reform it to look more like you. I don't want to be static and unmoving and unmoved. If I continue to hold you at a distance in this area of my life, how can I ever be fully surrendered? Oh breathe your living Spirit through me. Your very breath of life and quicken my heart and soul to respond to you. I need you more than ever."

I prayed that prayer, but am not sure how much my heart engaged in it. I prayed it because I know that is what God wanted, not because I wanted to pray it.

As I was reading this book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality," I read something about how so many times when we are emotionally immature, but don't want to face it, we try to fill up ourselves with the newest discipleship models, new spiritual disciplines, but they never fill us up... because we can't separate emotional maturity from our spiritual maturity. We can never reach spiritual maturity, when we don't ever address our emotional life. When we are emotional infants, we are spiritually immature. As we address our emotional maturity and do the hard work of growing in that area, our spiritual maturity grows as well... God works them together and grows them together. It can become a revolutionary change in our lives, and in the lives of those around us.

(Did I mention this is an incredible book and I haven't even gotten past the first chapter?!)

Well, as Scazzero was talking about trying to fill the emptiness, this thought popped into my head.

"Why do I find myself disengaging when in a group right now?"

I find myself in a group of people, and emotionally and mentally becoming distant, especially when I don't have to specifically engage with anyone at that moment. I find myself lonely in a group. I find myself wanting to pull away, just stay home and sleep. I don't look forward to public events, even not wanting to "do" mother's day... I was doing something the other day with my husband, and found myself completely socially, emotionally and mentally disengaging, and pulling inward.

I know that depression has a lot to do with it. I don't know if it is connected with being on the borderline between extrovert and introvert or not. I know that I can appear an extrovert in some settings because I can do the "acting" and have to work hard sometimes at appearing even natural in certain situations... I don't know.

Where I used to be more energized by being in larger groups (in college) now I find that I am becoming more comfortable with small groups, and one on one get togethers, rather than the larger groups...

...and the larger the group, the harder I have to fight this tendancy to become disengaged. I have had to fight this tendency even more this past week or so. It has gotten stronger, maybe as I have struggled with my emotions more this week too.

I don't know if anything even really connects here.

But God is doing something. I don't know what. My heart is resistant to the changes He wants to make in it. I am still fighting that. I am consciously having to fight the strong desire to withdraw and disengage and get out of group events.

Wednesday, my son is going on his first field trip, with his 4k class. They will be taking a bus, for about a 40 minute ride to a nearby town that has a small zoo. I have been asked to chaperone. I remember as a kid, always wanting my mom to come, and rarely was she able to, so when Peter (with that spark of fear in his face) asked if I would come, I said I would.

Right now, though I won't do it, I want to get out of going. I could ask Dave to go in my place, but I know Peter wants me to go.

I am fearful of having to fight that urge to disengage. And I don't want Peter to see me fighting fear, or fighting depression or whatever during the day. I want him to experience the zoo as fun and school field trips as something to be looked forward to, not feared.

I guess all I can ask is for more prayers.

God is taking me on a refining process. He has for the past several years. Because I have a blog, and tend to write through things, you are coming on this journey with me... provided you are still hanging with me here.

Thank you for praying me through these things. I hope that I can and have been sharing the "good" moments as well... the moments of answered prayer.

In the morning I am getting together with Cindy to talk through the first chapter in this book. I am hoping that we will be able to have the time to really get into some of the things that have been bothering me. There is more, beyond what I have shared here, and I am just praying that God will orchestrate what time we have.

Please pray with me that God will bring up the things I need help processing through and the things that I can work through on my own with Him will be left for later.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 7

Welcome to our "Yes to God" study hosted by Lelia. Please join us... read along with us... comment freely~

Chapter 7: What's the Worst that Could Happen?

For me, that is a hard question to answer. There are fears that are preying on my mind. I always have them, but there are times when I am able to push them away or drown them out.

The past few years I have fought fears.
Fears of failure.
Fears of the past.
Fears of the future.

Fears.
Tons of them.

I know that many of them were played up by the enemy as well, because come on. Would he really want to see a child of God succeed, and grow and be productive in the Kingdom?

I like Micca's point that the very worst thing that could happen to anyone is to not know Jesus, and be eternally separated from Him.

I am so grateful to be His child. I can call Him "Abba, Father" because I have been given the spirit of adoption. He is my Father. I am His child. There is no comfort on earth better than that.

When I can boil it all down to that, my fears do seem to melt away.

But, as I live and breathe, things crowd in and take over, and life happens, distractions come. I lose my focus. It gets foggy. It gets muddy. Suddenly I feel like I am living under this huge weight.

It's a weight today, that only briefly, as I distracted myself by window shopping with my son, lifted.

It was a warm day, sunny for the most part, and we had a mommy and son day, doing some of our favorite things.

It was nice. It was really very fun.

I came home and reality crashed in.

Now my stomach is in knots again.

I am coming down a bit from the emotional high I was on from last week. That isn't what is causing the knots though. I would say that I am at a "lower emotional level" (like that dancing with words?).

Its some other circumstances... that frankly, I am not helping right now. My hubby wants me to get a job. I haven't yet. I should. We will be extremely lucky if we don't get overdrawn before the next check comes in. Literally. And it comes in on Thursday. You know the check that will over draw us? Our tithe check. If it gets deposited tomorrow.

Yes.
Our. Tithe. Check.

i feel pretty small right about now....

And I am trying to figure out how the heck to get even $10 into the bank before the check gets deposited by the church.

Ugh.

And so I am wide awake. Exhausted. A headache. A knot in my stomach. A sore back. And I feel like I could throw up.

Then I read this:
"Christ's provision goes far beyond heaven and earth. When you and I face the unknown, God is there, leading the way through our unknown territory until we are safe on the other side."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I know His history with me.
He has made that above statement a true one.
I can wholeheartedly agree with it...
concerning my past.

Intellectually, I can agree with it concerning my future.

But my heart?

Humpf.

My heart isn't having any of it...
which is why I still feel like throwing up.

My head keeps telling me I was dumb to put that tithe check in the offering plate this Sunday because I knew how close we were running this week to hitting "red." But I heard this little voice say, "Trust Me." So, with a deep breath I put it in, and let it go.

Then proceeded to use my credit card when I needed, or wanted, to buy something this week. So, where is the trust in that???????

Yeah, I took it into my own hands immediately that afternoon. When I went to the store to get some things we didn't need. Things I wanted.

So... should I really try to scrape up $10 to save us a $30 fee, or do I take my punishment for not being a good steward? It's one check. One item that will overdraw us. We won't spend anything till his check clears our account on Thursday... but I am not even going to want to look at the account on line... especially when it comes time to pay some bills.

Ok... so I don't know if this post had anything to do with this weeks chapter, or if I am just venting. But I look at the question, and apply it to my life... what's the worst that could happen?

I say to myself, and to others... well, we could lose everything, but we won't lose his job, because its a stable profession (at least right now they aren't firing nurses in our area!). We can always move in with his folks at the farm, and no one will let us starve to death....

But, inside I quiver when I say that, and pray that God won't make it come to that. But He just might. To get my attention. I can't blame it on my hubby's lack of money management skills. I can't blame it on mine. It's deeper than that. It's a control issue. It's a heart issue. It's a greed issue. It's a "I want it all and I want it now" issue. It's an issue of not being able to really take hold of and apply the delayed gratification principle.

It's an issue of trust. Letting go of the things that I think I need. The things I think I want. The things that I try to fill my emptiness with.

I try to go "cold turkey" and really clamp down on my spending. I may not be able to control anyone else's spending, but I can control mine. So... nada... nothing. Be careful. Get only the milk needed and not one extra thing more....
Then slowly I loosen things up a bit... without really realizing it, and suddenly I have my credit card out all the time, the bills go up, my "appetites" go up, and my control goes down. I justify it by telling myself I don't go out and spend it all on clothes, though I would love to go get some clothes that fit me, and stop trying to patch the jeans I have to make them work. Instead, I go out an I spend on coffee, food, extras at the grocery store, books... (oh, that's a bad one...) taking my son out to eat (twice) today rather than packing a lunch and being home in time for dinner.
and I am back in the hole... financially, spiritually, emotionally... fearful and stressed... and knowing that God has better for me, but no idea of how to get there.

I need to let God fill me. Let God show me the things I really need. Again. Show me the things that I really want. Again.

Part of my memory verse this time is from Psalm 86:11-13
Verse 11:
"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

I need an undivided heart... one wholly devoted to Him, to His truth, and His way. I need to fear Him more than fearing our financial situation (than fearing how I handle our financial situation... clamping down or burying my head...). I need to fear God above all else. A holy fear.

If I would finally give in and fear Him and Him alone, maybe I could stop striving for things to fill me up and make me feel better. Maybe I would finally be able to rest. If I fear Him, I sure wouldn't have time to fear anything else!

I want to stand firm on Him. I want to stand firm on His grace. I want to stand firm, knowing the Holy Spirit guides me... in Faith not Fear!

"In times of trouble, whether it's in our family, workplace, community, church, or world, we have to get understanding from the Holy Spirit, who leads us in all truth and supplies supernatural strength to endure until the end by faith, not fear."

Please pray friends that I would let God have control of this area in my life and heart, that currently has control of me. There is a part of me - surprise - that just isn't surrendered to Him. Honestly, I really AM afraid of what it will take to get me to the point of letting it go. It seems the times I have tried in the past, in response to the promptings of the Spirit, well, I just keep taking it back. Maybe it's come in stages, a bit at a time, as I have been willing to surrender it.... but I see my spending habits, and attitudes about money reflected back at me, in my 5 yr old (a wonderful 5 yr old mirror), and I don't like it.

Micca said:
"If you are full of worry, then it may be that you have not fully given every area of your life over to God."

I agree with that... but I also know that I made conscious decisions today that caused me to spend more than I needed to.... probably that $30 overdraft charge I am going to have... on credit. And I consciously squelched the Spirit, and said I am going to do it when I want, and how I want.... I "deserve" it. HA!

There is no graceful way to end this post. So I am just going to publish this. But know my heart is cringing right now... just because it hates being this exposed. This hits a bit too close to home to be comfortable.
I suppose playing it safe, and coming up with generic comments about the chapter would be more comfortable. But it wouldn't be honest. It would be lying. It would be saying that everything is swell, when it isn't.

How could I really say that I am actually ON the road and really WALKING with Jesus if I didn't show the pot holes, washouts and rock falls along the way...

It's raw (as my heart and stomach... oh, does it feel icky right now... can attest to) but it's real.
No apologies for that... but praying I didn't over step bounds, or this post will be gone and maybe not re-written... just so I don't get tempted to lie!

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 5 and 6

All right, folks, I feel SO way behind here. I thought to myself when I started this book that I wouldn't let myself get caught posting two chapters at once. And that I would keep up, and post on Tuesdays... yeah, well, like Lelia said this week, life gets in the way, and it has been a crazy week or so.
If you want to see more posts about our Yes to God study, pop over to Lelia's site and enjoy!

Chapter 5: Family Matters

A lot in this chapter really hit me. I sat and read it and took notes as I went through, on the things that were popping out at me, and the questions it raised in my head.

I really had a lot of questions raised when I read this quote from Micca.
"Looking back on this frightful time, I can't help but wonder what Pat and I were building into our children - faith or fear? As Christians, we should be the last people to be afraid of anything."

I agree with this part...

"We claim what Paul asks us in Romans 8:31 - 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' - but act otherwise when the foundation of our home is shaken. Our children shouldn't see fear in us. We can't say with our mouths that we trust God and contradict that trust with our actions." (emphasis mine)

Ok... this is where I struggle. I agree that hypocrisy is an issue here... when we say that God being with us should give us no reason to fear anything, because He will never leave us or forsake us, but then act fearfully, and show that fear to our kids, it is self destructing. They are much more likely to follow our actions than our words.

Maybe our kids shouldn't see fear in us. But they do. I know my kids have. All the time, in me.

Case in point.
My son.
Peter.
5 years old.

I am seeing a growing fear in him, it has been growing in him this past year. So slowly that I don't think I really realized it was happening. Ever since he was born I have struggled with depression (that, I knew) and anxiety (which I identified later). I am sorry, but babies and little kids are so tuned into parents emotions, and stress and tension and anxiety... because they are looking to their parents for a sense of well-being, that if you are fearful, they are going to pick up on it. I don't care how hard you try to hide it.

I know I have tried to hide it plenty. But it is still there. I am excited for instance for my son to go to full time kindergarten next year. But I am apprehensive, wondering if public school is the right choice for him. Once he gets into it, I think he will be ok, but well... I don't want him to close down the way I know I did when I was young. I also think, from the talks I have had with my mother in law, that Dave did the same thing.

I have seen this anxiety rising in him all year. He is great when at school. He still plays alongside other kids rather than with them, but seems comfortable with his surroundings, the teachers and other classmates. But when something new gets thrown into his schedule, he tends to melt down. Either emotional melt downs at home, or immediate reactions of fear.

I really realized the extent of it, or maybe God showed me just recently. I was sharing with Peter about a school field trip he is going to be going on to a local zoo. With his whole class and teachers on a school bus (I drive him to school cause it's so close right now). His immediate reaction?

Fear.
Shrinking back.
Saying he didn't want to go.

Recently as we have been praying at night, he has mentioned having bad dreams. So I have prayed specifically in that area for him. Then when we are done praying I have re-assured him that God is with him and will never leave him alone. Peter's response? "Yes He will. He doesn't stay here with me. He never does. He always leaves me alone."

So, in his first years of life, did I sow fear or faith?

Yes, our children shouldn't see fear in us. But I think they are going to pick up on it, whether we want them to or not. Because we are fallible and we are going to be afraid, even when we don't want to be.

"By putting into practice what we learn from God's Word, we make knowledge a reality in our life. One step of trust leads to another until we find ourselves living carefree in His tender care. Sometimes it's necessary to repeat these steps when fear returns, pounding on our hearts. That's okay. Repeating the process is exercising faith, not fear."

That is how they see us walking in faith not fear. They are going to see us succumb to fear, but they are also going to need to see us overcoming that fear and trusting in God, instead.

Chapter 6: Learning to Trust Again

Learning to trust again has been a huge project for me. I have encountered so much betrayal and rejection. There were instances of it prior to my becoming a Christian. But the worst of it was after I became a Christian, the instances of betrayal and rejection came one on top of another and from other Christians.

"God cares for you greatly. We are His joy and delight."

"I've found that when I'm overcome with fear, I'm not really looking for answers but for the assurance that God is near, that He's in control, and that He cares about me and my circumstances. God does care."

Slowly I have learned to trust that God is who He says He is, and that He will do what He says He will do. I have learned that He is trustworthy. Humans may fail me. No, they WILL fail me. I will feel betrayed again. I will probably be thrown down into a pit by someone again.

But I have learned that the things others have meant for evil, God will work for my good and His glory.

For so long I ignored and built up walls to protect myself. I only let a few people inside, and still felt a world of hurt. I hid the hurt. Behind a big brick wall.

I had a choice to make. We all have a choice to make.
"We can either die in our fear of rejection, or like Joseph we can trust again through forgiveness."

I have been able to bring that wall down over the past year or so. Counseling was a big help. But so was God's provision of a close family group from my church and a very good friend who was willing walk with me through the healing process. He also provided me with an outlet through my blog, and all my new friends here.

I can look back at the past couple of years, and at what I have experienced in my life. Though I would never wish this stuff on anyone. I can say that I can see how God is working it all for good in my life.

Yes, it hurts.
Yes, the healing hurts.
Yes, it IS worth it all.

"We can focus on the worries, burdens, and fears of our limited experience and miss the joy that can be ours or, like Joseph, we can take the risk, venture out, and truly believe that God has a plan. Not just any kind of plan, but one that is so good we'll be able to look back and say it was worth it."

Taking the risk is hard. Hard to trust God, and hard to trust that He will really redeem things for you. It is hard to venture out. Very scary at times. It takes a lot of hard work, gritting the teeth and getting things done.

I can remember than my counselor asked me many times in session if I "wanted to go there." She was giving me the option to back out, and not push through right then. I remember answering her, "No, I don't want to go there. But I know that I need to." I came out of those sessions so exhausted. But God did some amazing things when I was willing to cooperate with Him.

His love has flooded through my barren places. He has filled and healed me in ways I never thought possible. My God has redeemed the years the locusts have eaten...

...and there is so much more to come!

As Cindy said, it is going to be a wild ride. Hang on to God. He has amazing plans for all of us.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 4

Well, I am posting late, and what with my last post, "Issues" I pretty much already wrote about this chapter.

If you want to see others thoughts, visit Lelia, our gracious host.

Chapter 4: The Pressure's On

I think the quote that really got to me in this chapter was the following.

"Anxious times should cause us to look beyond ourselves to God for His provision."

"It's hard because when the pressure is on, we're not truly convinced that God will supply for all our needs for the days ahead."

I am under pressure right now.
Health pressure.
Broken cars.
Singing a solo this coming weekend.
Needing to look for a job.
Needing to tell someone no to something that I already told them yes to.

All these things are bringing on stress. I just don't know how in the world, in my sight, all these things will resolve.

I can't know.

How can I? God holds all my days in His hands.

I read something today that talked about someone standing on God with his whole weight, trusting Him to hold his weight.

My heart was touched profoundly. I remember praying... through the tears.

How many times, Lord do I start to put my weight on You, on the Solid Rock, but hold onto something else to take part of my weight because I am afraid You will slip out from under me, or that I will find myself falling and You wouldn't catch me. Oh God, help me to stop hanging onto other things that don't matter. Help me to stop clinging to the things that don't matter, and instead stand on You, and put my full weight there, on You. You are my firm ground, my solid footing. Nothing else will hold me up, but You.

Dear Father, break the hold that other things have on me. Break my dependence on them so that I find myself able to let go of them and settle on You. Give me the strength and willingness and determination to stand on You and let you bear up my full weight. Help me to trust you to fully provide for my every need... and to be content, because I trust you. I will never be content in any circumstances, until I like Paul am completely convinced that You will supply all my needs in the days ahead.

Oh Jesus, help me to be thankful for what I have, whether I like it or not. Develop in me that deep contentment that Paul had. I long for that deep contentment in the midst of the pressure I am under.

I just want to be more of His. I want to spend some times of silence with Him. Where I can be alone and just settled in His presence. I find so much more peace there. And that peace and connection with Him is what I long for the most. It is something I hunger for, and I can't get it in the depth or length that I really want and need, at this stage in my life.

And when I can't unplug from my daily life and plug into God better, the pressure of my life over takes me. I find myself discontented, distrustful, and unwilling to lean on God with my full weight.

The other day, when I was visiting Cindy, she waited to do her daily devotion until I got there, and we did it together. The scripture reading was good, the thought prompter question was good, but the best part for me was the few minutes of silence at the beginning. We prayed and then were silent and settled into God's presence. All I can say is that it was profound. God is so good and faithful for meeting us where we are at.

I want more of that. I am greedy. I want more of God. I want more time alone with Him. Secluded. Some place where, if I am moved to tears, I can feel free to cry. Somewhere, if I need to, I can yell at God, talk out loud to Him, and just BE with Him.

I guess that is a good thing to be greedy for? I hope!

In the midst of stress, God gave me a breather on Friday. And He gave me a breather this morning. I had a time of good fellowship with Him this morning. I couldn't get to sleep last night, so I ended up not going to church this morning. Instead, I slept in, and then ended up spending some good time with Him, reading His word, praying, doing a devotional, and writing in my journal, and praying and crying more in His presence.

It was needed. It was good, and I was grateful to Him.

May He bring me more of those times with Him, to rejuvenate and refresh me in the midst of the pressure.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 3

Well, here we are at another week for our book study. I have gotten a slow start this week. I was supposed to have posted on Tuesday. But I just couldn't. Before I go on, Lelia is our gracious host for our "Yes to God Tuesdays" book study. If you want to check out the other posts, head over to her site to link to them.

Chapter 3: Fashioned for faith - not fear

I had a hard time getting ready for this post, and writing because this chapter hit home, and spoke right into my situations from this past week or two.

A dear loved one who seems to be drifting away from the Lord.
Our financial situation.
My husband's desire for me to go back to work.
Even doing the music for our church's VBS this summer.

I also got hung up on some questions that Micca asked in the course of the chapter.

She said in this chapter,
"The Bible doesn't focus on who we are, but whose we are and our identity in Christ. The answer to conquering fear isn't found in you; it's found in God."

I started out last week Thursday in a bit more peace, though I was crying out to God for my loved one. It was painful to cry out. But God was in it. I woke up on Saturday morning feeling sick, and though I am now feeling better (mostly), I feel like my emotions have sort of "shut down." I don't know how else to describe it. I stopped praying.

I have been fighting these fears so much on my own strength, these past few days. Trying to talk myself through these things.

Oh it so doesn't work!

I have been doing everything in my own strength. I can't fight these fears on my own. I end up running from the pain and fear. If I were running to God it would be one thing.

"Where do you run to find comfort from your anxieties and peace for your fear?"

As I have been trying to do everything on my own, my confidence has withered away, just like Micca said it does.

Comfort and peace from my anxieties and fear... where have I been running? Away from God. I know it is wrong. I know where I should be going. I know the right answers. I know that I need to fall on my knees before Him when I am afraid. I know that His word will wash my heart and soul and will give me peace.

But I have allowed the enemy to plant fear in my life, and to twist things around on me. I have allowed the enemy to start to convince me that though I know those truths of who God is, and who I am in Him, that I don't really believe them. That those truths haven't gone from my head to my heart. I have allowed the enemy to take me out of the battle.

I have been running to anything that would help me forget the pain I have been feeling. It hurts to see my loved one not following God the way they have in the past. It hurts when I see our financial situation, and the bills we have to cover. I feel hopeless when I look at the bills and try to figure out how we are going to pay them down and keep them down. It hurts when I don't really want to go to work, but know that my husband wants me to, to help with the bills. I fear that I am going to go to work, and then not have an end date in sight, and end up continuing to work.

So I have been doing a lot of running.

And I have had a hard time answering Micca's question above, because I am having a hard time being honest with myself. When I can't be honest with myself, I can't be honest with God, and I can't be honest with those around me.

No wonder I have disconnected from God this week, and felt that fear and anxiety. I haven't been taking shelter under His wings, or hiding in Him.

I cast my cares on God last week Thursday in small group. I cried out to God. And then I took them back over the weekend.

I have been living in emotional shut down the past 4 days or so because I haven't cast my cares back on Jesus. I have been living in fear, so my emotions just shut down, rather than deal with them.

"To find safety and shelter, you and I must learn to live in the presence of God again."

I want that safety and shelter and sense of security. Then I will be able let my emotions go again, because I will know that God can handle them, and that He can heal them. I won't need to live in emotional shut down, because I will be safe. I will be in a safe place to let them go... in my Jesus' presence.

He is always with me. But I need to acknowledge that. I need to acknowledge His presence and purposefully place myself under His wings. It's a choice, and if I don't make it, the enemy has his way with me.

I wasn't created for fear. I can't live in fear. When I am in fear too long, my emotions shut down.

I was created to live in faith.

* When I put my faith in myself, my confidence crumbles.
* When I put my faith in others, they fail me.
* When I put my faith in things to numb fear, those things fade away, and the pain comes back.

When I put my faith anywhere, in anything, in any other person, than who God created me to, I fall flat on my face.

How many times do I need to experience that falling flat on my face before I learn my lesson?!

"Faith believes that God is real, and hope is the confidence that He'll do what He said He will do."

I need to spend more time in His word (something I have neglected the past few days or so) and time in prayer to get to know Him better. The better I know Him, the better I will be able to trust Him, and have faith that He will provide for all the situations I find myself facing. As I have had faith and trusted Him in difficult situations in this past few years, God has very obviously provided for me and helped me through them, and He has healed me in so many ways.

I need to actively pursue God and actively practice something that Micca said.

"When Satan tries to pull concerns down over your eyes of faith, simply declare God's sufficiency and watch Satan's fear tactics go up in smoke."

Today I choose to say that God is enough.

Today I choose to say that God is enough for the situations I find myself in with:

*A dear loved one who seems to be drifting away from the Lord.
*Our financial situation.
*My husband's desire for me to go back to work.
*Even doing the music for our church's VBS this summer.

God is enough. God is sufficient to supply all my needs.

EVEN WHEN NOT ONE THING CHANGES.

God is still enough!

"In God's loving care, our spirit is renewed, and we know for certain there is no safer place on earth. The Lord picks us up out of our wrecked lives while we are still scared, and He comforts us. His rescue is certain and trustworthy."

I am going to refresh my memorization of Psalm 91. And I am going to start praying through it. Even when I am shaking and trembling. Even when I am not sure that I am believing what I am reading or praying through.

I choose to trust God with this day. I choose to trust God with these circumstances. I choose to trust that God will strengthen me through these things, and teach me through them, even if I don't see a change in the situations.

Step out with me in that faith that we were created for.
Step out with me today.
Step out and trust the God who will never change.

God bless all of you and thank you for standing in prayer with me.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 2

Welcome to our second chapter of "An Untroubled Heart" by Micca Campbell. If you want to join in the study, or read along, hop on over to Lelia's and have a visit.

As some of you might know, this past week/weekend has been interesting for me... to say the least. (See HERE and then HERE) And I have been dealing with fear too. It has been a challenging week. It has been one of trying to remember God's truth, and apply what I have learned in the last year or so.

Chapter 2: The Fear Factor

(any quotes from the book are in red)

Over the last year I have really learned that I need to be intentional about spending time with God, developing my relationship with Him.

My biggest obligation is to maintain my relationship with God. When I lean on Him, my anxieties give way to peace.

As I have been dealing with the anxieties of wondering what kind of job I should try looking for, and how we will take care of the kids, and how are we going to straighten out our finances, there have been several times where I have found myself leaning on Him. As I have, as I have pressed deeper into Him, I have been overwhelmed with His peace.

However, I don't think I am doing this enough.
(I know I'm not!)

The last day or two I have been putting a lot of questions to God, and not felt like I have heard many answers. I think I read in my P31 devotional today that if you have questioned, and haven't heard anything yet.... wait. Spend time in God's presence and He will answer you. Sit, pray and wait. Read God's word, study God's word, pray God's word.

I have been sitting, praying but in the waiting I have found myself succumbing to fear. I don't want anxiety and fear to rule my life.

Ole Smutty Face knows what we are capable of with Christ. To prevent us from walking on water, he poisons us with fear.

Over the past year or so, as I have pursued healing from past and present hurts, I have been beset with fears. Some so bad that just walking into the waiting area of my counselor's office was enough to send me into a panic attack. There were many times where we were in the middle of the session and Tricia would stop us where we were at. She would pray and bind the enemy, specifically. And surprise, surprise. Guess what? The fear would ease up enough for me to press on through.

As I have looked back at the things God has brought me through, I can see that trusting Him has helped me overcome those fears of facing them, and fears of the emotions they brought up.

Trusting God requires more than just saying the words.

Trusting God is really saying by our actions, that we rely on Him to take care of us.

Trusting God is about surrendering to God.

And surrendering to God causes me some fear and anxiety.

One of the hardest things to do is to give up control and trust someone other than ourselves. Again, we misunderstand the benefit of a surrendered life. It's not about giving up; it's about gaining the power and presence of God living His life through us.
(emphasis mine)

I have to learn that God loves and cares for me. I do know this. I do believe this. But it has to sink in more deeply. Each situation that I go through helps it become more of a part of me. Though the enemy tries to get me to fear and doubt God's love, though he tries to twist God's good and make it damaging to me, God already has the victory. As long as I cling to Him, and His truth, I know that I have the victory in the end as well.

With the recent things going on in my life, I have been having trouble remembering the truth.

The truth from my most recent scripture memory from Beth Moore's challenge.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is."
1 John 3:1-2


The truth from my previous scripture memory.
"Do not throw away your confidence. It will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:35-36; 39 (emphasis mine)

As a matter of fact, all of the scripture memory that I have done so far this year, all of it can be applied to the things I am facing today. Hmm. I think I am going to need to go through them all again tonight before bed.

Today was a hard day. I think everything compounded on me.

Last night I didn't sleep well. I went to bed at an OK time, however every time I closed my eyes I got dizzy, light headed and nauseous. It started me panicking. My anxiety started going up, because I wasn't in control of it. I got up and to distract myself I turned on the TV, because even though my eyes were making things look like they were jumping back and forth, at least I could look at the TV a little and listen to the stories, so that kept me distracted until I started feeling better. But the whole problem, it was after 1am before I was able to get to sleep. The I got woken twice in the night by my son, and my daughter got me up for the day by 7:30am.

I spent some time with God this morning, but it was so hard to concentrate, and every time I tried to pray, I was out of words. I felt like I couldn't worship, even with the worship music I had on to help me.

I also felt that, because of the lack of sleep last night, that my cold was starting to bother me more.

Add that to struggling with hearing from God about what to do about a job, and if I should take one or not, and I was a mess by 10am. Dave got up (he was sleeping in because he had to work 2nd shift) and I sent of a desperate email to my friend, Cindy, giving her a brief run down of what I was dealing with, and asking her to pray for me. I went into the bedroom to rest until Dave needed to get ready to go to work.

I laid down on the bed, buried my face in the pillows and burst into tears. The tears that had been threatening all morning. I cried and prayed a few bits of the Psalms back to God.

Then I cried myself to sleep.

I woke feeling a bit better.

God must have been singing over me in my sleep.

When the apprehenshions come, our faith falters. We stand guard against the Devil by remembering God's words are true: "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).

As we submit to God and believer His truth instead of doubting it, the Devil will flee.

I have to keep clinging to the truth so that my faith doesn't falter.

I want to live in the freedom that Christ freed me for. When Micca said we've stepped out of the care of God.... the result has been fear, she is right.

I still feel shaken, tired and frankly, quite emotional. I feel weak and tired, and like my faith is very shaky. But I know this is an opportunity for God's strength to be shown in me again. (Do I have to keep having these opportunities God?)

I am fighting to resist the enemy even now, to give in to fear. Of course it is always the fear of the unknown. God knows everything past, present, and future. So nothing is unknown to Him. If I cling to Him, and put myself under His care, under covering, rather than trying to do things myself, or figure things out because He doesn't seem to be answering me... I have no reason to fear the unknown. Because it isn't unknown to Him. I am in Him, He is in me. He loves me and protects me and will never leave me nor forsake me, and has plans for me to give me a future and a hope.

My heart still aches with the desire to stay home with the kids and not work. My longing is to be free financially. The fears associated with where we are financially are pretty hard to look at, especially as I know I have to face the bills tonight.

Two quotes near the end of the chapter really hit me.

For you and me to live as carefree children in the care of God, we must return to living daily in His presence.

Faith in God's provision is our anchor that secures a life free from fear.

Maybe my practice of trying to start every day with God, and end it that way if I can is the start of living daily in His presence. All day. Constantly aware that He is there.

Maybe that is the start of really realizing that He provides. Everything. I can cast all my anxieties on Him because He cares for me. He provides for me. And He will. Always.

And maybe my rehearsing the truth, sharing it with you, will get it more deeply ingrained in me.

I need to sit still and listen. I need to wait on His answer now that I have asked Him questions, and stay deep in His word.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 1

Welcome to our "Yes to God Tuesdays" study. We are starting our new book "An Untroubled Heart," by Micca Campbell. If you want to join us, come on over to Lelia's site to sign up, or just to find the other blogs, and follow along with us, reading our posts. As Lelia says, you don't need to have a blog to do the study. Just leave comments on our blogs, or on Lelia's. Your insights are valuable to us all!

Chapter 1: When the Unthinkable Happens

I don't know about you, but one of the things that I have been fighting in my life is fear. I always have. Whether it was fear of rejection by loved ones or peers; fear of failure; fear of being alone; fear of intimacy; fear of fear itself (!!); fear has been a companion. I never really realized just how strong it was. At least not until more recently.

I have found that as I have tried to deal with depression, I also have a generalized anxiety that is almost a constant companion. There are times when I can push it to the back of my head. There are times when it doesn't trouble me at all, or that I am able to identify it, and rather than ignore it, deal with it, or use some of the techniques my counselor gave me to combat its effects and calm myself. There are times though when it does plague me. Anxiety build to fear, and becomes if not overwhelming, at least the main focus, rather than God.

There have been times in this past year that have overwhelmed me with fear. Times where I could barely function. Those have been pretty terrible, but usually I could identify what I was afraid of, whether it was dealing with a situation in my present, or dealing with the emotions of something from my past.

But I think the time that I can identify as being the most afraid and alone was the summer of 2007. I had been struggling with depression, but it was getting more and more severe... to the point of finally giving in and starting to try anti-depressants.

The days just got darker. I felt more isolated from others and God. It didn't help me to know that there were others who struggled with depression too. I didn't feel any better to know that there were a few people close to me who knew what I was struggling with. I was going through it, and there was no real way for someone else to join me in it.

By the end of that summer I was living in such pain.

I was so lonely.
I was so afraid.

I was so deep into the darkness.

I felt like nothing touched me; no words could reach me; no light could penetrate the suffocating blackness around me.

I had never felt such complete isolation before. I had never been so cold, and so alone, and so terrified.

My life was shredding at the seams and I didn't know how to stop it. I was losing my husband, my children, my family and my friends, and there was nothing I could do.

Looking back now, I can see God's hands all over me. I didn't see Him then. I couldn't see Him then. I couldn't hear His voice calling to me. I couldn't hear His words flooding over me. Someone would pray with me, for me, and I would briefly feel a release of peace over me, and a release of tears emotionally, but then I would be back in the deep, watching the waters close over my head. I would sink back down to the depths and just long for death to take me.

God took me instead.

Through a series of circumstances, I ended up in counseling. Early on, one of the things my counselor challenged me to do was read Psalm 139. I ended up memorizing it.

She wanted me to see my value and worth. How well known by God I was, and that if He knit me together, I was made the way He wanted me, and all His works are wonderful.

But she also wanted me to see just what Micca said here.
"No matter what our emotions or circumstances may say, the truth is there is nowhere we can go to escape God's presence. Though it might not feel like it or look like it, God is always near."

It took a long time for that to sink into me.

A LONG TIME!

Even now I am tempted to look at my hard places, and start to feel that fear, the "alone-ness" of it all, and start to despair. The problems, the pain, the disappointments, the frustrations, the anger all mount up. As they mount up, I knuckle under. I falter. I fail. I fall.

Many times I end up on my face. Too many of those times I am on my face in the dirt, wallowing in depression and despair. Too many times I won't look up, even that inch, to see the tips of His fingers in my field of vision.

The tips of His fingers.
His hand.
Reaching out.

Reaching out to me, to lift me up and to carry my load.

If only in the very beginning, when the problems are starting to weigh heavy on my shoulders, I would drop everything at His feet. If only I would be able to not only know with my head, but believe in my heart that He is there. That He always will be.

It is starting to sink in, but oh, is it a slow process. I must have a thick skull, because I seem to have to keep learning the same lessons over and over and over again!

Micca said,
"It calms my uncertainties to know that God's help is at hand immediately. It isn't a future help, nor is it available only when I'm worthy of God's help. No, it is a present help. God's help is available the moment we humble ourselves and cry out to Him."

And that's it right there. My pride gets in the way. My "self" finds it very hard to ask for help, to look to assistance from someone. And when I am "forced" to, I find it so much easier to go to a friend, rather than God. Why is that?

Maybe because I have seen enough pain in my relationship with Him... (pain, by the way, caused by my own straying or the straying of others, not caused by Him, though allowed by Him) ...that pain has caused me to be less trusting of Him. I am more likely to trust someone I haven't been hurt by, so therefore I turn to someone I can see, a friend, instead.

But how backwards is that? It's another sign of the lies the enemy has been planting in my head for so long. The enemy hasn't wanted me to see that it was my sin, or the sin of others, and my bitterness that was causing me pain. He wanted me to believe it was God causing me the pain.

Slowly, a little bit at a time, I have been rooting out that lie, and many others this year or so.

A little bit at a time, I have found it easier to trust Him. A little bit at a time, I have been learning that there is a purpose for painful trials, and that I can rejoice at their eventual outcome. A purification process for me, my faith, and a deeper dependence on my God.

With Micca I am learning "that joy can be found in the midst of heartache and fearful times."

That doesn't mean that it is always easy or fun. It isn't
That doesn't mean that it will never hurt. It does.
That doesn't mean that I will be happy every day. I won't.

It does mean that if I put my focus on the right thing, I can find joy. If I stop focusing on the terrible circumstances I may be in, and instead fix my gaze on Him, the author and perfecter of my faith, there will be a difference in how I handle things.

I may still weep about the things that cause me pain. I may still find myself treading those dark waters. But instead of despairing, and fearing I will never get out of the pain; instead of taking the easy way and let the dark waters suck me down to the depths; instead I need to look to Him.

I have some choices to make, even in the midst of great pain, fear, and "alone-ness."

1. I have to make a conscious decision to focus on God, not the circumstances or my emotions.
2. I have to make a conscious decision to see the end result, rather than the painful beginnings.
3. I have to make a conscious decision to cooperate with the purification process rather than hinder it.

And also very important:

1. I have to want to be healed more than I want to live in the pit.
2. I have to want to be mature and complete more than I want to live the easy life.

The easy life will leave me with limp arms, weak legs, and the ability of child to handle traumatic circumstances.

If I continue to choose God's path, it won't be the easy life. Look at the life Jesus led.

But, it will be a rewarding one. Even in the face of incredible loss, pain, and fear Jesus continued His terrible path to Calvary. In the end He has been glorified with His Father

I had a choice to make when I went into counseling. Was I going to work at it? Was I willing to do what it took to face the pain, to get through it so that God could help me grow and mature?

I did make that choice, and I did persevere through counseling.

Now in my daily life I need to make that choice again and again. Am I going to "do" this thing? Am I going to face the painful trials even now, the things that can hurt and wound deeply?

I think part of my scripture memory verse from 3-1-09 says it all.

Hebrews 10:36
"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

I will close with one last quote from Micca.
"When you and I can look to the end result of what our testing is accomplishing, then we can find joy in the midst of it. Ultimately, when adversity has its way, we mature. we change from victim to victor! That, my friend, is a huge gain." (emphasis mine)