"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 9

I am catching up a little bit! Here is chapter 9, of our book "An Untroubled Heart." If you want to catch up on reading, check out Lelia's blog.

Chapter 9: The right kind of Fear

Micca talked about how our fear shouldn't be fear of the future, or fear of the things that might happen. The fear we should have, is of God. Not fear that He will punish us, or that He is mean, or being afraid to come to Him.

A reverential fear. A fear that He is bigger and more powerful, stronger and more gracious than we can ever imagine. A healthy fear. A respect for the One who gives us life, and grace, and peace, and love.

"To fear God is not to shrink back from him in terror. It's to live an obedient life, showing admiration to the one who loves us so. Only then will we love and serve and revere him as we should."

I have learned to fear God more this past week or so. I have learned how important that is. I have learned that I need to surrender to Him, and live that obedient life. I need to do the things that He is calling me to do, in obedience to Him. When I do, it shows how much I love Him and trust Him to not harm me but prosper me, trust Him to give me a hope and a future.

I don't want to shrink back from Him in terror. I want to serve Him in love and trust.

This week I was shrinking back in terror. I was struggling with letting some things go, because I was afraid of what I thought He might do, or what He might call me to do. I was truly. It is silly, because how many times have I surrendered to Him before and He has loved me and accepted me for who I am, as I am, and been gentle with me? Yet I was still fearful.

The enemy tried to get in there and twist things and tell me that willful disobedience deserved nothing but punishment (truth) and that God wouldn't forgive me and still love me (lie). Though I might deserve punishment, God gave me mercy. Then He showed me grace by lavishing His love on me, and giving me comfort and peace instead of fear.

Though I may still be facing some of the same problems, I can rest in His care and love for me.

Oh do I love Him for that!

"...it's our love for God that compels us toward passionate obedience and enables us to receive His blessings."

I want to live that passionate obedience. It is hard, never easy, I am not saying it is. Because our minds are so prone to believe what we can see, taste, touch... things that seem more concrete. God's purposes behind some of the problems we face are much less concrete at times, but not less important. They are probably the most important.

I need to learn in the tough times to embrace the lessons God may be teaching. The best thing is, when we embrace those times, and the lessons, we love Him more, and are inspired to a more passionate obedience.

I can't close this any better than Micca did.
"When circumstances are hard, it feels like anything other than love... You and I must devote ourselves more to the revealed nature of God's love than to the reason of our natural minds."

The things that we see aren't the most important. The most important is what God truly gives us, in His love. The lessons, and not letting the most difficult moments pass by without a lesson. Those lessons reveal more about God and His nature, and our nature, and the things that we fear are not nearly as important and fearing God, Himself.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 8

I am posting SO late on some of these chapters, but I just re-read Chapter 8 and 9 of our book, "An Untroubled Heart," and felt like I needed to post on them. If you want to join in our study, hop over to Lelia's site to either join in, or read other posts on each chapter.

Chapter 8: Overcoming the fear of the Unknown

So much of my life has been consumed by worrying. I have found myself worrying about the future. Then, in my worry, I have tried to figure out what all the different possibilities could be that might happen, and plan for each one. I might not "physically" prepare, but I "mentally" prepare, and plan out my actions.

It has driven me insane at times, because, even in the little things if I plan something out and it changes, then I feel like I am thrown for a loop. I get all bent out of shape, because the control I was trying to have over the future, is suddenly wrenched away from me.

"In order for us to experience His life in ours, we have to make a choice. We can either continue to live our lives our own way - by holding on to fear, doubt, and control - or we can die to self and allow Jesus to live His life of wisdom, faith, power, and holiness through us."

"Yielding to God's will means that when we come face-to-face with a problem we've never encountered before, we can maintain our peace and actually look forward to the next step God has for us."

It's hard to make that choice to let things go and trust in God. But the freedom after making that decision is more than worth the struggle to let go.

Even the pain of situations is worth the hurt.

"...unpleasant things will happen to us in this world. They're out of our control. Yet in God's economy, every fear, every pain, every sorrow, and every loss is not wasted. God uses these little deaths to make us more like Him."

As I suffer through something, a part of my character is changed to look more like God. It is not always easy, and does cause some pain at times as God chisels away at us, removing things that need to be taken away so that we look more and more like Him. As we let Him chisel away at our imperfections, not only do we look more and more like Him, we become more and more like the people He created us to be.

Our characters change from the small (and big) deaths in our lives. We also gain because we get closer to God. Our relationship becomes deeper. We trust Him more. Surrendering our fears of the unknown, and letting go of that desire to control our own future, and trusting ourselves to His care (even when it hurts) changes us, deepens our relationship with God, and makes it more possible for us to engage with others. We are able to share our difficulties with others, the lessons we have learned, and help them through difficulties of their own.

God is so good, even when it is hard.

It has been hard these past few weeks, but God has proved so faithful. When I finally have surrendered to Him, He has changed my heart and helped me surrender to Him. He has helped me trust Him on a deeper level.

And that is worth everything.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 7

Welcome to our "Yes to God" study hosted by Lelia. Please join us... read along with us... comment freely~

Chapter 7: What's the Worst that Could Happen?

For me, that is a hard question to answer. There are fears that are preying on my mind. I always have them, but there are times when I am able to push them away or drown them out.

The past few years I have fought fears.
Fears of failure.
Fears of the past.
Fears of the future.

Fears.
Tons of them.

I know that many of them were played up by the enemy as well, because come on. Would he really want to see a child of God succeed, and grow and be productive in the Kingdom?

I like Micca's point that the very worst thing that could happen to anyone is to not know Jesus, and be eternally separated from Him.

I am so grateful to be His child. I can call Him "Abba, Father" because I have been given the spirit of adoption. He is my Father. I am His child. There is no comfort on earth better than that.

When I can boil it all down to that, my fears do seem to melt away.

But, as I live and breathe, things crowd in and take over, and life happens, distractions come. I lose my focus. It gets foggy. It gets muddy. Suddenly I feel like I am living under this huge weight.

It's a weight today, that only briefly, as I distracted myself by window shopping with my son, lifted.

It was a warm day, sunny for the most part, and we had a mommy and son day, doing some of our favorite things.

It was nice. It was really very fun.

I came home and reality crashed in.

Now my stomach is in knots again.

I am coming down a bit from the emotional high I was on from last week. That isn't what is causing the knots though. I would say that I am at a "lower emotional level" (like that dancing with words?).

Its some other circumstances... that frankly, I am not helping right now. My hubby wants me to get a job. I haven't yet. I should. We will be extremely lucky if we don't get overdrawn before the next check comes in. Literally. And it comes in on Thursday. You know the check that will over draw us? Our tithe check. If it gets deposited tomorrow.

Yes.
Our. Tithe. Check.

i feel pretty small right about now....

And I am trying to figure out how the heck to get even $10 into the bank before the check gets deposited by the church.

Ugh.

And so I am wide awake. Exhausted. A headache. A knot in my stomach. A sore back. And I feel like I could throw up.

Then I read this:
"Christ's provision goes far beyond heaven and earth. When you and I face the unknown, God is there, leading the way through our unknown territory until we are safe on the other side."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I know His history with me.
He has made that above statement a true one.
I can wholeheartedly agree with it...
concerning my past.

Intellectually, I can agree with it concerning my future.

But my heart?

Humpf.

My heart isn't having any of it...
which is why I still feel like throwing up.

My head keeps telling me I was dumb to put that tithe check in the offering plate this Sunday because I knew how close we were running this week to hitting "red." But I heard this little voice say, "Trust Me." So, with a deep breath I put it in, and let it go.

Then proceeded to use my credit card when I needed, or wanted, to buy something this week. So, where is the trust in that???????

Yeah, I took it into my own hands immediately that afternoon. When I went to the store to get some things we didn't need. Things I wanted.

So... should I really try to scrape up $10 to save us a $30 fee, or do I take my punishment for not being a good steward? It's one check. One item that will overdraw us. We won't spend anything till his check clears our account on Thursday... but I am not even going to want to look at the account on line... especially when it comes time to pay some bills.

Ok... so I don't know if this post had anything to do with this weeks chapter, or if I am just venting. But I look at the question, and apply it to my life... what's the worst that could happen?

I say to myself, and to others... well, we could lose everything, but we won't lose his job, because its a stable profession (at least right now they aren't firing nurses in our area!). We can always move in with his folks at the farm, and no one will let us starve to death....

But, inside I quiver when I say that, and pray that God won't make it come to that. But He just might. To get my attention. I can't blame it on my hubby's lack of money management skills. I can't blame it on mine. It's deeper than that. It's a control issue. It's a heart issue. It's a greed issue. It's a "I want it all and I want it now" issue. It's an issue of not being able to really take hold of and apply the delayed gratification principle.

It's an issue of trust. Letting go of the things that I think I need. The things I think I want. The things that I try to fill my emptiness with.

I try to go "cold turkey" and really clamp down on my spending. I may not be able to control anyone else's spending, but I can control mine. So... nada... nothing. Be careful. Get only the milk needed and not one extra thing more....
Then slowly I loosen things up a bit... without really realizing it, and suddenly I have my credit card out all the time, the bills go up, my "appetites" go up, and my control goes down. I justify it by telling myself I don't go out and spend it all on clothes, though I would love to go get some clothes that fit me, and stop trying to patch the jeans I have to make them work. Instead, I go out an I spend on coffee, food, extras at the grocery store, books... (oh, that's a bad one...) taking my son out to eat (twice) today rather than packing a lunch and being home in time for dinner.
and I am back in the hole... financially, spiritually, emotionally... fearful and stressed... and knowing that God has better for me, but no idea of how to get there.

I need to let God fill me. Let God show me the things I really need. Again. Show me the things that I really want. Again.

Part of my memory verse this time is from Psalm 86:11-13
Verse 11:
"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

I need an undivided heart... one wholly devoted to Him, to His truth, and His way. I need to fear Him more than fearing our financial situation (than fearing how I handle our financial situation... clamping down or burying my head...). I need to fear God above all else. A holy fear.

If I would finally give in and fear Him and Him alone, maybe I could stop striving for things to fill me up and make me feel better. Maybe I would finally be able to rest. If I fear Him, I sure wouldn't have time to fear anything else!

I want to stand firm on Him. I want to stand firm on His grace. I want to stand firm, knowing the Holy Spirit guides me... in Faith not Fear!

"In times of trouble, whether it's in our family, workplace, community, church, or world, we have to get understanding from the Holy Spirit, who leads us in all truth and supplies supernatural strength to endure until the end by faith, not fear."

Please pray friends that I would let God have control of this area in my life and heart, that currently has control of me. There is a part of me - surprise - that just isn't surrendered to Him. Honestly, I really AM afraid of what it will take to get me to the point of letting it go. It seems the times I have tried in the past, in response to the promptings of the Spirit, well, I just keep taking it back. Maybe it's come in stages, a bit at a time, as I have been willing to surrender it.... but I see my spending habits, and attitudes about money reflected back at me, in my 5 yr old (a wonderful 5 yr old mirror), and I don't like it.

Micca said:
"If you are full of worry, then it may be that you have not fully given every area of your life over to God."

I agree with that... but I also know that I made conscious decisions today that caused me to spend more than I needed to.... probably that $30 overdraft charge I am going to have... on credit. And I consciously squelched the Spirit, and said I am going to do it when I want, and how I want.... I "deserve" it. HA!

There is no graceful way to end this post. So I am just going to publish this. But know my heart is cringing right now... just because it hates being this exposed. This hits a bit too close to home to be comfortable.
I suppose playing it safe, and coming up with generic comments about the chapter would be more comfortable. But it wouldn't be honest. It would be lying. It would be saying that everything is swell, when it isn't.

How could I really say that I am actually ON the road and really WALKING with Jesus if I didn't show the pot holes, washouts and rock falls along the way...

It's raw (as my heart and stomach... oh, does it feel icky right now... can attest to) but it's real.
No apologies for that... but praying I didn't over step bounds, or this post will be gone and maybe not re-written... just so I don't get tempted to lie!

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 5 and 6

All right, folks, I feel SO way behind here. I thought to myself when I started this book that I wouldn't let myself get caught posting two chapters at once. And that I would keep up, and post on Tuesdays... yeah, well, like Lelia said this week, life gets in the way, and it has been a crazy week or so.
If you want to see more posts about our Yes to God study, pop over to Lelia's site and enjoy!

Chapter 5: Family Matters

A lot in this chapter really hit me. I sat and read it and took notes as I went through, on the things that were popping out at me, and the questions it raised in my head.

I really had a lot of questions raised when I read this quote from Micca.
"Looking back on this frightful time, I can't help but wonder what Pat and I were building into our children - faith or fear? As Christians, we should be the last people to be afraid of anything."

I agree with this part...

"We claim what Paul asks us in Romans 8:31 - 'If God is for us, who can be against us?' - but act otherwise when the foundation of our home is shaken. Our children shouldn't see fear in us. We can't say with our mouths that we trust God and contradict that trust with our actions." (emphasis mine)

Ok... this is where I struggle. I agree that hypocrisy is an issue here... when we say that God being with us should give us no reason to fear anything, because He will never leave us or forsake us, but then act fearfully, and show that fear to our kids, it is self destructing. They are much more likely to follow our actions than our words.

Maybe our kids shouldn't see fear in us. But they do. I know my kids have. All the time, in me.

Case in point.
My son.
Peter.
5 years old.

I am seeing a growing fear in him, it has been growing in him this past year. So slowly that I don't think I really realized it was happening. Ever since he was born I have struggled with depression (that, I knew) and anxiety (which I identified later). I am sorry, but babies and little kids are so tuned into parents emotions, and stress and tension and anxiety... because they are looking to their parents for a sense of well-being, that if you are fearful, they are going to pick up on it. I don't care how hard you try to hide it.

I know I have tried to hide it plenty. But it is still there. I am excited for instance for my son to go to full time kindergarten next year. But I am apprehensive, wondering if public school is the right choice for him. Once he gets into it, I think he will be ok, but well... I don't want him to close down the way I know I did when I was young. I also think, from the talks I have had with my mother in law, that Dave did the same thing.

I have seen this anxiety rising in him all year. He is great when at school. He still plays alongside other kids rather than with them, but seems comfortable with his surroundings, the teachers and other classmates. But when something new gets thrown into his schedule, he tends to melt down. Either emotional melt downs at home, or immediate reactions of fear.

I really realized the extent of it, or maybe God showed me just recently. I was sharing with Peter about a school field trip he is going to be going on to a local zoo. With his whole class and teachers on a school bus (I drive him to school cause it's so close right now). His immediate reaction?

Fear.
Shrinking back.
Saying he didn't want to go.

Recently as we have been praying at night, he has mentioned having bad dreams. So I have prayed specifically in that area for him. Then when we are done praying I have re-assured him that God is with him and will never leave him alone. Peter's response? "Yes He will. He doesn't stay here with me. He never does. He always leaves me alone."

So, in his first years of life, did I sow fear or faith?

Yes, our children shouldn't see fear in us. But I think they are going to pick up on it, whether we want them to or not. Because we are fallible and we are going to be afraid, even when we don't want to be.

"By putting into practice what we learn from God's Word, we make knowledge a reality in our life. One step of trust leads to another until we find ourselves living carefree in His tender care. Sometimes it's necessary to repeat these steps when fear returns, pounding on our hearts. That's okay. Repeating the process is exercising faith, not fear."

That is how they see us walking in faith not fear. They are going to see us succumb to fear, but they are also going to need to see us overcoming that fear and trusting in God, instead.

Chapter 6: Learning to Trust Again

Learning to trust again has been a huge project for me. I have encountered so much betrayal and rejection. There were instances of it prior to my becoming a Christian. But the worst of it was after I became a Christian, the instances of betrayal and rejection came one on top of another and from other Christians.

"God cares for you greatly. We are His joy and delight."

"I've found that when I'm overcome with fear, I'm not really looking for answers but for the assurance that God is near, that He's in control, and that He cares about me and my circumstances. God does care."

Slowly I have learned to trust that God is who He says He is, and that He will do what He says He will do. I have learned that He is trustworthy. Humans may fail me. No, they WILL fail me. I will feel betrayed again. I will probably be thrown down into a pit by someone again.

But I have learned that the things others have meant for evil, God will work for my good and His glory.

For so long I ignored and built up walls to protect myself. I only let a few people inside, and still felt a world of hurt. I hid the hurt. Behind a big brick wall.

I had a choice to make. We all have a choice to make.
"We can either die in our fear of rejection, or like Joseph we can trust again through forgiveness."

I have been able to bring that wall down over the past year or so. Counseling was a big help. But so was God's provision of a close family group from my church and a very good friend who was willing walk with me through the healing process. He also provided me with an outlet through my blog, and all my new friends here.

I can look back at the past couple of years, and at what I have experienced in my life. Though I would never wish this stuff on anyone. I can say that I can see how God is working it all for good in my life.

Yes, it hurts.
Yes, the healing hurts.
Yes, it IS worth it all.

"We can focus on the worries, burdens, and fears of our limited experience and miss the joy that can be ours or, like Joseph, we can take the risk, venture out, and truly believe that God has a plan. Not just any kind of plan, but one that is so good we'll be able to look back and say it was worth it."

Taking the risk is hard. Hard to trust God, and hard to trust that He will really redeem things for you. It is hard to venture out. Very scary at times. It takes a lot of hard work, gritting the teeth and getting things done.

I can remember than my counselor asked me many times in session if I "wanted to go there." She was giving me the option to back out, and not push through right then. I remember answering her, "No, I don't want to go there. But I know that I need to." I came out of those sessions so exhausted. But God did some amazing things when I was willing to cooperate with Him.

His love has flooded through my barren places. He has filled and healed me in ways I never thought possible. My God has redeemed the years the locusts have eaten...

...and there is so much more to come!

As Cindy said, it is going to be a wild ride. Hang on to God. He has amazing plans for all of us.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 4

Well, I am posting late, and what with my last post, "Issues" I pretty much already wrote about this chapter.

If you want to see others thoughts, visit Lelia, our gracious host.

Chapter 4: The Pressure's On

I think the quote that really got to me in this chapter was the following.

"Anxious times should cause us to look beyond ourselves to God for His provision."

"It's hard because when the pressure is on, we're not truly convinced that God will supply for all our needs for the days ahead."

I am under pressure right now.
Health pressure.
Broken cars.
Singing a solo this coming weekend.
Needing to look for a job.
Needing to tell someone no to something that I already told them yes to.

All these things are bringing on stress. I just don't know how in the world, in my sight, all these things will resolve.

I can't know.

How can I? God holds all my days in His hands.

I read something today that talked about someone standing on God with his whole weight, trusting Him to hold his weight.

My heart was touched profoundly. I remember praying... through the tears.

How many times, Lord do I start to put my weight on You, on the Solid Rock, but hold onto something else to take part of my weight because I am afraid You will slip out from under me, or that I will find myself falling and You wouldn't catch me. Oh God, help me to stop hanging onto other things that don't matter. Help me to stop clinging to the things that don't matter, and instead stand on You, and put my full weight there, on You. You are my firm ground, my solid footing. Nothing else will hold me up, but You.

Dear Father, break the hold that other things have on me. Break my dependence on them so that I find myself able to let go of them and settle on You. Give me the strength and willingness and determination to stand on You and let you bear up my full weight. Help me to trust you to fully provide for my every need... and to be content, because I trust you. I will never be content in any circumstances, until I like Paul am completely convinced that You will supply all my needs in the days ahead.

Oh Jesus, help me to be thankful for what I have, whether I like it or not. Develop in me that deep contentment that Paul had. I long for that deep contentment in the midst of the pressure I am under.

I just want to be more of His. I want to spend some times of silence with Him. Where I can be alone and just settled in His presence. I find so much more peace there. And that peace and connection with Him is what I long for the most. It is something I hunger for, and I can't get it in the depth or length that I really want and need, at this stage in my life.

And when I can't unplug from my daily life and plug into God better, the pressure of my life over takes me. I find myself discontented, distrustful, and unwilling to lean on God with my full weight.

The other day, when I was visiting Cindy, she waited to do her daily devotion until I got there, and we did it together. The scripture reading was good, the thought prompter question was good, but the best part for me was the few minutes of silence at the beginning. We prayed and then were silent and settled into God's presence. All I can say is that it was profound. God is so good and faithful for meeting us where we are at.

I want more of that. I am greedy. I want more of God. I want more time alone with Him. Secluded. Some place where, if I am moved to tears, I can feel free to cry. Somewhere, if I need to, I can yell at God, talk out loud to Him, and just BE with Him.

I guess that is a good thing to be greedy for? I hope!

In the midst of stress, God gave me a breather on Friday. And He gave me a breather this morning. I had a time of good fellowship with Him this morning. I couldn't get to sleep last night, so I ended up not going to church this morning. Instead, I slept in, and then ended up spending some good time with Him, reading His word, praying, doing a devotional, and writing in my journal, and praying and crying more in His presence.

It was needed. It was good, and I was grateful to Him.

May He bring me more of those times with Him, to rejuvenate and refresh me in the midst of the pressure.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 3

Well, here we are at another week for our book study. I have gotten a slow start this week. I was supposed to have posted on Tuesday. But I just couldn't. Before I go on, Lelia is our gracious host for our "Yes to God Tuesdays" book study. If you want to check out the other posts, head over to her site to link to them.

Chapter 3: Fashioned for faith - not fear

I had a hard time getting ready for this post, and writing because this chapter hit home, and spoke right into my situations from this past week or two.

A dear loved one who seems to be drifting away from the Lord.
Our financial situation.
My husband's desire for me to go back to work.
Even doing the music for our church's VBS this summer.

I also got hung up on some questions that Micca asked in the course of the chapter.

She said in this chapter,
"The Bible doesn't focus on who we are, but whose we are and our identity in Christ. The answer to conquering fear isn't found in you; it's found in God."

I started out last week Thursday in a bit more peace, though I was crying out to God for my loved one. It was painful to cry out. But God was in it. I woke up on Saturday morning feeling sick, and though I am now feeling better (mostly), I feel like my emotions have sort of "shut down." I don't know how else to describe it. I stopped praying.

I have been fighting these fears so much on my own strength, these past few days. Trying to talk myself through these things.

Oh it so doesn't work!

I have been doing everything in my own strength. I can't fight these fears on my own. I end up running from the pain and fear. If I were running to God it would be one thing.

"Where do you run to find comfort from your anxieties and peace for your fear?"

As I have been trying to do everything on my own, my confidence has withered away, just like Micca said it does.

Comfort and peace from my anxieties and fear... where have I been running? Away from God. I know it is wrong. I know where I should be going. I know the right answers. I know that I need to fall on my knees before Him when I am afraid. I know that His word will wash my heart and soul and will give me peace.

But I have allowed the enemy to plant fear in my life, and to twist things around on me. I have allowed the enemy to start to convince me that though I know those truths of who God is, and who I am in Him, that I don't really believe them. That those truths haven't gone from my head to my heart. I have allowed the enemy to take me out of the battle.

I have been running to anything that would help me forget the pain I have been feeling. It hurts to see my loved one not following God the way they have in the past. It hurts when I see our financial situation, and the bills we have to cover. I feel hopeless when I look at the bills and try to figure out how we are going to pay them down and keep them down. It hurts when I don't really want to go to work, but know that my husband wants me to, to help with the bills. I fear that I am going to go to work, and then not have an end date in sight, and end up continuing to work.

So I have been doing a lot of running.

And I have had a hard time answering Micca's question above, because I am having a hard time being honest with myself. When I can't be honest with myself, I can't be honest with God, and I can't be honest with those around me.

No wonder I have disconnected from God this week, and felt that fear and anxiety. I haven't been taking shelter under His wings, or hiding in Him.

I cast my cares on God last week Thursday in small group. I cried out to God. And then I took them back over the weekend.

I have been living in emotional shut down the past 4 days or so because I haven't cast my cares back on Jesus. I have been living in fear, so my emotions just shut down, rather than deal with them.

"To find safety and shelter, you and I must learn to live in the presence of God again."

I want that safety and shelter and sense of security. Then I will be able let my emotions go again, because I will know that God can handle them, and that He can heal them. I won't need to live in emotional shut down, because I will be safe. I will be in a safe place to let them go... in my Jesus' presence.

He is always with me. But I need to acknowledge that. I need to acknowledge His presence and purposefully place myself under His wings. It's a choice, and if I don't make it, the enemy has his way with me.

I wasn't created for fear. I can't live in fear. When I am in fear too long, my emotions shut down.

I was created to live in faith.

* When I put my faith in myself, my confidence crumbles.
* When I put my faith in others, they fail me.
* When I put my faith in things to numb fear, those things fade away, and the pain comes back.

When I put my faith anywhere, in anything, in any other person, than who God created me to, I fall flat on my face.

How many times do I need to experience that falling flat on my face before I learn my lesson?!

"Faith believes that God is real, and hope is the confidence that He'll do what He said He will do."

I need to spend more time in His word (something I have neglected the past few days or so) and time in prayer to get to know Him better. The better I know Him, the better I will be able to trust Him, and have faith that He will provide for all the situations I find myself facing. As I have had faith and trusted Him in difficult situations in this past few years, God has very obviously provided for me and helped me through them, and He has healed me in so many ways.

I need to actively pursue God and actively practice something that Micca said.

"When Satan tries to pull concerns down over your eyes of faith, simply declare God's sufficiency and watch Satan's fear tactics go up in smoke."

Today I choose to say that God is enough.

Today I choose to say that God is enough for the situations I find myself in with:

*A dear loved one who seems to be drifting away from the Lord.
*Our financial situation.
*My husband's desire for me to go back to work.
*Even doing the music for our church's VBS this summer.

God is enough. God is sufficient to supply all my needs.

EVEN WHEN NOT ONE THING CHANGES.

God is still enough!

"In God's loving care, our spirit is renewed, and we know for certain there is no safer place on earth. The Lord picks us up out of our wrecked lives while we are still scared, and He comforts us. His rescue is certain and trustworthy."

I am going to refresh my memorization of Psalm 91. And I am going to start praying through it. Even when I am shaking and trembling. Even when I am not sure that I am believing what I am reading or praying through.

I choose to trust God with this day. I choose to trust God with these circumstances. I choose to trust that God will strengthen me through these things, and teach me through them, even if I don't see a change in the situations.

Step out with me in that faith that we were created for.
Step out with me today.
Step out and trust the God who will never change.

God bless all of you and thank you for standing in prayer with me.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 2

Welcome to our second chapter of "An Untroubled Heart" by Micca Campbell. If you want to join in the study, or read along, hop on over to Lelia's and have a visit.

As some of you might know, this past week/weekend has been interesting for me... to say the least. (See HERE and then HERE) And I have been dealing with fear too. It has been a challenging week. It has been one of trying to remember God's truth, and apply what I have learned in the last year or so.

Chapter 2: The Fear Factor

(any quotes from the book are in red)

Over the last year I have really learned that I need to be intentional about spending time with God, developing my relationship with Him.

My biggest obligation is to maintain my relationship with God. When I lean on Him, my anxieties give way to peace.

As I have been dealing with the anxieties of wondering what kind of job I should try looking for, and how we will take care of the kids, and how are we going to straighten out our finances, there have been several times where I have found myself leaning on Him. As I have, as I have pressed deeper into Him, I have been overwhelmed with His peace.

However, I don't think I am doing this enough.
(I know I'm not!)

The last day or two I have been putting a lot of questions to God, and not felt like I have heard many answers. I think I read in my P31 devotional today that if you have questioned, and haven't heard anything yet.... wait. Spend time in God's presence and He will answer you. Sit, pray and wait. Read God's word, study God's word, pray God's word.

I have been sitting, praying but in the waiting I have found myself succumbing to fear. I don't want anxiety and fear to rule my life.

Ole Smutty Face knows what we are capable of with Christ. To prevent us from walking on water, he poisons us with fear.

Over the past year or so, as I have pursued healing from past and present hurts, I have been beset with fears. Some so bad that just walking into the waiting area of my counselor's office was enough to send me into a panic attack. There were many times where we were in the middle of the session and Tricia would stop us where we were at. She would pray and bind the enemy, specifically. And surprise, surprise. Guess what? The fear would ease up enough for me to press on through.

As I have looked back at the things God has brought me through, I can see that trusting Him has helped me overcome those fears of facing them, and fears of the emotions they brought up.

Trusting God requires more than just saying the words.

Trusting God is really saying by our actions, that we rely on Him to take care of us.

Trusting God is about surrendering to God.

And surrendering to God causes me some fear and anxiety.

One of the hardest things to do is to give up control and trust someone other than ourselves. Again, we misunderstand the benefit of a surrendered life. It's not about giving up; it's about gaining the power and presence of God living His life through us.
(emphasis mine)

I have to learn that God loves and cares for me. I do know this. I do believe this. But it has to sink in more deeply. Each situation that I go through helps it become more of a part of me. Though the enemy tries to get me to fear and doubt God's love, though he tries to twist God's good and make it damaging to me, God already has the victory. As long as I cling to Him, and His truth, I know that I have the victory in the end as well.

With the recent things going on in my life, I have been having trouble remembering the truth.

The truth from my most recent scripture memory from Beth Moore's challenge.
"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is."
1 John 3:1-2


The truth from my previous scripture memory.
"Do not throw away your confidence. It will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:35-36; 39 (emphasis mine)

As a matter of fact, all of the scripture memory that I have done so far this year, all of it can be applied to the things I am facing today. Hmm. I think I am going to need to go through them all again tonight before bed.

Today was a hard day. I think everything compounded on me.

Last night I didn't sleep well. I went to bed at an OK time, however every time I closed my eyes I got dizzy, light headed and nauseous. It started me panicking. My anxiety started going up, because I wasn't in control of it. I got up and to distract myself I turned on the TV, because even though my eyes were making things look like they were jumping back and forth, at least I could look at the TV a little and listen to the stories, so that kept me distracted until I started feeling better. But the whole problem, it was after 1am before I was able to get to sleep. The I got woken twice in the night by my son, and my daughter got me up for the day by 7:30am.

I spent some time with God this morning, but it was so hard to concentrate, and every time I tried to pray, I was out of words. I felt like I couldn't worship, even with the worship music I had on to help me.

I also felt that, because of the lack of sleep last night, that my cold was starting to bother me more.

Add that to struggling with hearing from God about what to do about a job, and if I should take one or not, and I was a mess by 10am. Dave got up (he was sleeping in because he had to work 2nd shift) and I sent of a desperate email to my friend, Cindy, giving her a brief run down of what I was dealing with, and asking her to pray for me. I went into the bedroom to rest until Dave needed to get ready to go to work.

I laid down on the bed, buried my face in the pillows and burst into tears. The tears that had been threatening all morning. I cried and prayed a few bits of the Psalms back to God.

Then I cried myself to sleep.

I woke feeling a bit better.

God must have been singing over me in my sleep.

When the apprehenshions come, our faith falters. We stand guard against the Devil by remembering God's words are true: "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you" (Heb. 13:5).

As we submit to God and believer His truth instead of doubting it, the Devil will flee.

I have to keep clinging to the truth so that my faith doesn't falter.

I want to live in the freedom that Christ freed me for. When Micca said we've stepped out of the care of God.... the result has been fear, she is right.

I still feel shaken, tired and frankly, quite emotional. I feel weak and tired, and like my faith is very shaky. But I know this is an opportunity for God's strength to be shown in me again. (Do I have to keep having these opportunities God?)

I am fighting to resist the enemy even now, to give in to fear. Of course it is always the fear of the unknown. God knows everything past, present, and future. So nothing is unknown to Him. If I cling to Him, and put myself under His care, under covering, rather than trying to do things myself, or figure things out because He doesn't seem to be answering me... I have no reason to fear the unknown. Because it isn't unknown to Him. I am in Him, He is in me. He loves me and protects me and will never leave me nor forsake me, and has plans for me to give me a future and a hope.

My heart still aches with the desire to stay home with the kids and not work. My longing is to be free financially. The fears associated with where we are financially are pretty hard to look at, especially as I know I have to face the bills tonight.

Two quotes near the end of the chapter really hit me.

For you and me to live as carefree children in the care of God, we must return to living daily in His presence.

Faith in God's provision is our anchor that secures a life free from fear.

Maybe my practice of trying to start every day with God, and end it that way if I can is the start of living daily in His presence. All day. Constantly aware that He is there.

Maybe that is the start of really realizing that He provides. Everything. I can cast all my anxieties on Him because He cares for me. He provides for me. And He will. Always.

And maybe my rehearsing the truth, sharing it with you, will get it more deeply ingrained in me.

I need to sit still and listen. I need to wait on His answer now that I have asked Him questions, and stay deep in His word.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 1

Welcome to our "Yes to God Tuesdays" study. We are starting our new book "An Untroubled Heart," by Micca Campbell. If you want to join us, come on over to Lelia's site to sign up, or just to find the other blogs, and follow along with us, reading our posts. As Lelia says, you don't need to have a blog to do the study. Just leave comments on our blogs, or on Lelia's. Your insights are valuable to us all!

Chapter 1: When the Unthinkable Happens

I don't know about you, but one of the things that I have been fighting in my life is fear. I always have. Whether it was fear of rejection by loved ones or peers; fear of failure; fear of being alone; fear of intimacy; fear of fear itself (!!); fear has been a companion. I never really realized just how strong it was. At least not until more recently.

I have found that as I have tried to deal with depression, I also have a generalized anxiety that is almost a constant companion. There are times when I can push it to the back of my head. There are times when it doesn't trouble me at all, or that I am able to identify it, and rather than ignore it, deal with it, or use some of the techniques my counselor gave me to combat its effects and calm myself. There are times though when it does plague me. Anxiety build to fear, and becomes if not overwhelming, at least the main focus, rather than God.

There have been times in this past year that have overwhelmed me with fear. Times where I could barely function. Those have been pretty terrible, but usually I could identify what I was afraid of, whether it was dealing with a situation in my present, or dealing with the emotions of something from my past.

But I think the time that I can identify as being the most afraid and alone was the summer of 2007. I had been struggling with depression, but it was getting more and more severe... to the point of finally giving in and starting to try anti-depressants.

The days just got darker. I felt more isolated from others and God. It didn't help me to know that there were others who struggled with depression too. I didn't feel any better to know that there were a few people close to me who knew what I was struggling with. I was going through it, and there was no real way for someone else to join me in it.

By the end of that summer I was living in such pain.

I was so lonely.
I was so afraid.

I was so deep into the darkness.

I felt like nothing touched me; no words could reach me; no light could penetrate the suffocating blackness around me.

I had never felt such complete isolation before. I had never been so cold, and so alone, and so terrified.

My life was shredding at the seams and I didn't know how to stop it. I was losing my husband, my children, my family and my friends, and there was nothing I could do.

Looking back now, I can see God's hands all over me. I didn't see Him then. I couldn't see Him then. I couldn't hear His voice calling to me. I couldn't hear His words flooding over me. Someone would pray with me, for me, and I would briefly feel a release of peace over me, and a release of tears emotionally, but then I would be back in the deep, watching the waters close over my head. I would sink back down to the depths and just long for death to take me.

God took me instead.

Through a series of circumstances, I ended up in counseling. Early on, one of the things my counselor challenged me to do was read Psalm 139. I ended up memorizing it.

She wanted me to see my value and worth. How well known by God I was, and that if He knit me together, I was made the way He wanted me, and all His works are wonderful.

But she also wanted me to see just what Micca said here.
"No matter what our emotions or circumstances may say, the truth is there is nowhere we can go to escape God's presence. Though it might not feel like it or look like it, God is always near."

It took a long time for that to sink into me.

A LONG TIME!

Even now I am tempted to look at my hard places, and start to feel that fear, the "alone-ness" of it all, and start to despair. The problems, the pain, the disappointments, the frustrations, the anger all mount up. As they mount up, I knuckle under. I falter. I fail. I fall.

Many times I end up on my face. Too many of those times I am on my face in the dirt, wallowing in depression and despair. Too many times I won't look up, even that inch, to see the tips of His fingers in my field of vision.

The tips of His fingers.
His hand.
Reaching out.

Reaching out to me, to lift me up and to carry my load.

If only in the very beginning, when the problems are starting to weigh heavy on my shoulders, I would drop everything at His feet. If only I would be able to not only know with my head, but believe in my heart that He is there. That He always will be.

It is starting to sink in, but oh, is it a slow process. I must have a thick skull, because I seem to have to keep learning the same lessons over and over and over again!

Micca said,
"It calms my uncertainties to know that God's help is at hand immediately. It isn't a future help, nor is it available only when I'm worthy of God's help. No, it is a present help. God's help is available the moment we humble ourselves and cry out to Him."

And that's it right there. My pride gets in the way. My "self" finds it very hard to ask for help, to look to assistance from someone. And when I am "forced" to, I find it so much easier to go to a friend, rather than God. Why is that?

Maybe because I have seen enough pain in my relationship with Him... (pain, by the way, caused by my own straying or the straying of others, not caused by Him, though allowed by Him) ...that pain has caused me to be less trusting of Him. I am more likely to trust someone I haven't been hurt by, so therefore I turn to someone I can see, a friend, instead.

But how backwards is that? It's another sign of the lies the enemy has been planting in my head for so long. The enemy hasn't wanted me to see that it was my sin, or the sin of others, and my bitterness that was causing me pain. He wanted me to believe it was God causing me the pain.

Slowly, a little bit at a time, I have been rooting out that lie, and many others this year or so.

A little bit at a time, I have found it easier to trust Him. A little bit at a time, I have been learning that there is a purpose for painful trials, and that I can rejoice at their eventual outcome. A purification process for me, my faith, and a deeper dependence on my God.

With Micca I am learning "that joy can be found in the midst of heartache and fearful times."

That doesn't mean that it is always easy or fun. It isn't
That doesn't mean that it will never hurt. It does.
That doesn't mean that I will be happy every day. I won't.

It does mean that if I put my focus on the right thing, I can find joy. If I stop focusing on the terrible circumstances I may be in, and instead fix my gaze on Him, the author and perfecter of my faith, there will be a difference in how I handle things.

I may still weep about the things that cause me pain. I may still find myself treading those dark waters. But instead of despairing, and fearing I will never get out of the pain; instead of taking the easy way and let the dark waters suck me down to the depths; instead I need to look to Him.

I have some choices to make, even in the midst of great pain, fear, and "alone-ness."

1. I have to make a conscious decision to focus on God, not the circumstances or my emotions.
2. I have to make a conscious decision to see the end result, rather than the painful beginnings.
3. I have to make a conscious decision to cooperate with the purification process rather than hinder it.

And also very important:

1. I have to want to be healed more than I want to live in the pit.
2. I have to want to be mature and complete more than I want to live the easy life.

The easy life will leave me with limp arms, weak legs, and the ability of child to handle traumatic circumstances.

If I continue to choose God's path, it won't be the easy life. Look at the life Jesus led.

But, it will be a rewarding one. Even in the face of incredible loss, pain, and fear Jesus continued His terrible path to Calvary. In the end He has been glorified with His Father

I had a choice to make when I went into counseling. Was I going to work at it? Was I willing to do what it took to face the pain, to get through it so that God could help me grow and mature?

I did make that choice, and I did persevere through counseling.

Now in my daily life I need to make that choice again and again. Am I going to "do" this thing? Am I going to face the painful trials even now, the things that can hurt and wound deeply?

I think part of my scripture memory verse from 3-1-09 says it all.

Hebrews 10:36
"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised."

I will close with one last quote from Micca.
"When you and I can look to the end result of what our testing is accomplishing, then we can find joy in the midst of it. Ultimately, when adversity has its way, we mature. we change from victim to victor! That, my friend, is a huge gain." (emphasis mine)

"Self talk, Soul talk," Chap. 11; Praise the Lord...

On Sunday at church, though things were better, I was still reeling from my experiences on Friday.

There was nothing I could do.
I was still stumbling in darkness.

I went to church.
Alone.

The kids were sick, so they stayed home with Dave.

Our associate pastor, Brad, came up to me and asked me how I was doing. He is one of those people who, especially since he has seen me through some of these past few years, won’t take “I’m fine,” for an answer. So, I managed to express that it was really tough, and that I really felt like I was floundering… and had been hit big time with depression over the weekend.

He gave me a quick squeeze and a warm smile, and then moved on rapidly, as the service was about to start. As I sat in the service, I felt like I was sitting alone, apart and separated from those around me. Until the worship started. When the music started, I could feel my heart start to quicken.

The first couple of songs were just a good “warm up” for me, and started to let in a little light. Then Brad prayed, asking God to lighten the hearts of those of us who were feeling heavily burdened, and praising God that darkness was as light to Him.

My heart shook and trembled at that.

Then later in the service a new song was introduced. Over and over the words reminded me. Reminded me of who God is.

• my Shield
• my Strength
• my Portion
• my Deliverer
• my Shelter
• my Strong Tower
• my very present Help in time of need

Then my heart really started taking notice.

Later in the day I came back to the church for a prayer meeting. As we prayed for our leadership, for our church, and for anything else on our hearts;

God spoke.
In the quiet.

I wasn’t able to pray out loud then.
That came later.

But I had this impression that God really wanted me to surrender. Everything. Let Him have the burden I was carrying. And to confess. I wasn’t sure what, but I knew He was calling to me, and asking me to do it soon.

As soon as the prayer meeting was over, Pastor Brad leaned over and said that as he was walking from his home to church for the meeting, he was praying for me… and then was blown away when he saw me drive right by him. I thanked him for his prayers on my behalf, and asked God in my head, “What are You doing?”

People scattered from the room, and through the church to other meetings, or heading home for the rest of the day.

Instead of going outside and to a park to enjoy the beautiful weather before my choir practice, I hung around talking to a friend until the lobby had cleared, then slipped into the sanctuary before someone saw me.

I walked to the front, and sat down on the floor,

near the piano,
near the altar,
near the cross.

It was cool and quiet.
Peaceful.

I turned to Psalm 139, and read some of it. The parts of never being able to flee from Him, escape His presence… and that even if I wanted darkness to hide me, the darkness was as light to Him.

It took on a whole new meaning in the light of the pain I had been in over the weekend, on Friday… and maybe longer, as it just poured out of seemingly nowhere…

He never left me. Even when I was crying and raging. Even when I couldn’t feel Him. Even when I didn’t want to do anything but run. I couldn’t run from Him. I can’t.

Even though I was/am surrounded by darkness, He can see. He can see through it. Though my soul feels like it is floundering, He is holding me, seeing the rocks I am tripping on and trying to guide me, if only…

…if only.

If only I would look up at Him.
If I would lift Him up.

It took the praise earlier in the day, and the opportunity to pray later on, to soften my heart enough to hear His voice.

I spent time in confession.

One of the things: allowing my gaze to be wrenched off of Him, and onto my problems, my self, my pain. I needed to spend time seeking His forgiveness for not letting Him be my all in all.

I spent time in surrender.

I cried out to Him how much I hurt. I cried out about how things were so hard. How I just wanted to run away. But this time, I left it with Him. I was on my face sobbing. But I was surrendering.

Then I was sobbing, but praising Him. I spent time in the Word. I spent time reading again and again about who He is… and I praised Him for it. I sang back through the song we sang at church that morning.

As Jennifer said in our final chapter of our book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,”
“…lift up God. As He grows bigger in your thought closet, you grow smaller.”

“When He becomes the center of our attention, we no longer take that spot.”

I forced my gaze back onto Him on Sunday afternoon. I confessed, I surrendered, and I lifted Him up. I praised Him while I was in the sanctuary of my church.

And I left the building with peace.

I still am struggling with depression. I suppose I have written that so many times in different posts it comes as no surprise. But right now I am at peace with it. I am at peace with God. I have my eyes focused on Him, and I pray that I will be able to continue to do that.

When I start focusing on “my” depression, I become the center of my attention, and that is exactly what the enemy wants. He wants me to focus on me, my problems, my anxieties… never on God.

But when I focus my gaze on the author and perfecter of my faith, I am looking up, and lifting up my soul.

“The Bible tells us that God takes pleasure in our praise. But when we set aside worries about our habitats and lose ourselves in the life-shaping, darkness-chasing, happiness-enhancing experience of pure praise, the pleasure is all ours.”

Here is the song that our worship team introduced in our worship time on Sunday. It was a powerful reminder of who God is, and that He has delivered me and set my feet upon a rock, so I will not be moved.



As icing on the cake… to top off my day, my God overwhelmed me. He blessed me beyond measure. Last week, I auditioned for a solo in my choir. I have tried out for years. Never thought I would get one… even this time.

But God.

I will be singing a solo in my choir concert at the end of April. The icing part of it? The song is “Be Thou My Vision.” (yes, the hymn, but different melody)

But how appropriate… He is my vision. I will lift Him up!

"Self talk, Soul talk," Chap. 10; Press On...

If you want to read any other posts about our chapter, visit Lelia and check them out.

I recently have been writing on and off about how tired I have been and how much I feel like giving up. Those feelings have lessened somewhat since I spent time a week ago with God and just allowed Him to fill me up. They have come back from time to time, depending on what I have been doing, and how tired I have gotten. If I have stressed myself out, emotionally/spiritually fatiguing myself, I have, of course gotten more tired, and felt like giving up.

I tried to remember our last chapter in our book, “Self Talk, Soul Talk,” and speak rest to my soul, which worked pretty well.

For my LPM Scripture Memory verse for March 1, I picked from Hebrews.

“Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.” Hebrews 10:35-36; 39

I was given much encouragement from my friend, Cindy, to keep on going. To keep doing the next right thing. To keep taking the next step.

Then I read this chapter. Again, like last week, I just about fell over in shock!

God must really like to do this to me, to many of us, hey?!

All week I have been getting the input from almost every source to persevere. My pastor’s sermon, Cindy, this book, the scripture verse God led me to… everything pointed to needing to persevere.

I guess I need to pay attention!

I can totally identify with Jennifer when she said,
“Running the race makes us weary, and sometimes we want to just sit it out for a while.”

Another section of the chapter that I could practically re-write here is the section she titled, “Affirm Your True Identity.”

One of the biggest things I have learned these past few years is who I am in Christ. I mean, before I knew I was God’s child, but really didn’t know what that meant. I think I am starting to get it now… at least, a little bit better grasp, though I don’t always remember. I tend to act out of my feelings rather than my identity, which is just what Jennifer was talking about here.

No matter what I feel, it is who I am that is important, and more than that, WHOSE I am.

“Don’t let feelings define you; let who you are define your feelings…. Don’t let the struggle define you; use your true identity to properly define your struggle.”

As I have walked step by step through this week, I suppose I have done just that.

I have felt depressed and insignificant and incompetent. I have struggled with weakness and tiredness and anxiety. I had to lead worship rehearsal on Wednesday night, and then, I had to lead the worship team, and worship in front of the whole church on Sunday.

I was at church an hour early or so for rehearsal on Wednesday. I worked on the music, prayed through it, and when the team came, though I was feeling overly anxious, I hid it and pushed myself out of my comfort zone to get through the rehearsal.

I came home absolutely exhausted. And the next day felt like giving up and throwing in the towel and just sitting still and doing absolutely nothing.

I got through the weekend, only because I had a lot of things going on over the weekend, and some things to process through.

Then came Sunday.

I got to church and was able to pray over the service, music, the building itself, and we did our run-through rehearsal. After the rehearsal was done, I sat down with Cindy to wait for the service to start (we were singing together on the team). I sat there for a few minutes and wanted to curl up under the chairs in front of me. I looked over at her, and she had her bible open to Ephesians 6, the armor of God verses; she was praying through them. I leaned over and told her I thought I was going to be sick I was so anxious. I think right then and there she started to pray for both of us.

I took a page from her book, opened my bible and prayed… I worked my way through my memory verses, also Romans 8, the part about nothing can separate us from the love of God… and just tried to spend the time committing the service, and myself to God, asking Him to speak His words through me. I started to feel His peace before we had to get up and sing.

Once I got up to sing, I was ok. Not great, but ok. I eventually was able to relax enough that I was able to truly worship and feel a bit of connection with God.

Just leaving the seats to get up there was the next step I had to take, because doing the whole service seemed beyond me at the time. I just took each section of the service, a step at a time.

I kept feeling like I was incompetent for the tasks set out before me. I kept feeling like I was a failure and I should give up. I kept feeling so depressed and anxious that I thought I shouldn’t even be attempting to lead the worship team, much less leading the church in worship.

BUT.

I know who I am. I am a daughter of the King. I am adopted by God. I am loved by Him. I am accepted by Him. I am loved by Him. I am blessed by Him. I am redeemed by Him.

I don’t know that I specifically thought of those things either.

I just did the next thing I was expected to do.

It isn’t going to be easy.
It isn’t going to be fun.
At least not all the time.

But looking back, I can see how faithful God was to get me through the weekend. He gave me strength when I didn’t have it. He gave me words when I didn’t have any. He gave me strength when I was weak. He helped me keep going when I really didn’t want to. He showed me when to draw back and rest, and when not to draw back but reach out to others and ask for prayer.

My God is everything for me. My God is everything TO me. He is my all… He is more than enough for me.

Though I stayed up late last night, He has sustained me through this day. He helped me do what I needed to, and helped me hold onto Him. He filled in where I felt weak.

This is going to be a week or so of really learning what it means to persevere. I think I have slowly been learning that, but for some reason, I feel like I have entered the “perseverance boot camp.”

Anyone else with me?

“Sometimes rest is more important that revving up, and sometimes pressing on is more important that pulling back.”

I am praying that God shows me when it is time to rest, and when it is time to press on… press on with His strength running through me, through my weakness… so that His glory is shown to all.

"Self talk, Soul talk," Chap. 9; Be at rest...

I opened up this book on Sunday afternoon, after crying all morning at church.

And when I say crying… I mean more like sobbing next to my friend Cindy. I didn’t dare look at her, because if she had given me a hug right then, I would have dissolved.

Over the weekend I wrote in an email to her, and then later talked on the phone about how tired and empty I was feeling. Done in, burned out, nothing left to give.

Exhausted.
Depressed.

Without even words to write here… and that is rare for me.

I managed to squeeze a couple of posts out in the last couple of days, out of desperation and need for prayer from others. They were short posts, but at least let people know where I was at.

In church Sunday, I got a distinct impression of sitting in Jesus’ lap and seeing Him wanting to take that piece out of the box and heal it back into my heart. I just remember shying away from Him, hiding my face against His chest, not really wanting to submit.

Afraid of the pain.

After the service was done, I really wanted to go up to the front of the church, walk the aisle and fall on my face before God right then and there. Our associate pastor said that some of us had some work to do with God this afternoon, and I was thinking in my head, “no, I know that He wants me to do it now… I shouldn’t wait.” But the moment was over, and I walked out of the sanctuary without doing any “business” with God.

[Side note: I later found out that our associate pastor almost gave an alter call for anyone needing to do business with God right then and there...]

That was when I went to the coffee shop after church, and started to read this chapter in “Self Talk, Soul Talk.”

Like Laura said, I just about burst into laughter, if it weren’t for the tears that were stuck in my throat. I was struck…. in awe and amazement at how our God orchestrates things.

I read most of the chapter, and then I had to go home to get a bit of rest and go to my choir rehearsal. But as I did, I realized that God had used the time of the coffee shop to start my time away from “stuff” to start to still and settle my soul.

On the way home from choir, I took a long way home, country roads, rather than through town or on the highway. I prayed some, thought about Tricia a lot, and tried to figure out a way that I could get alone with God, in private to work through this somewhat. At least to start the process of mourning.

God provided the time.

Dave didn’t have to work on yesterday, so once he was done with his errands and goals for the day, he let me out of the house. He told me to take the rest of the day (bless his dear heart!!!)

I headed for our church. I knew of no where else that I would be able to get away without phones, kids, or anyone else interrupting me.

When I got there, Cindy helped me get set up in the library of our church, near a fireplace, and prayed for me and then gave me something to read that would help jump start me in my time with God.

I ended up on my knees on the floor in front of the fireplace, in front of God. Not exactly on my face, but finally allowing Him to start to minster to me. I really finally surrendered to Him.

I cried out to Him. I told him just how much I missed Tricia. Just how much I hurt, how much I really needed His help, because I was so empty.

I cried.
Sobbed.
Used a lot of Kleenex.

I finally was able to just rest before Him and receive.

I was able to do exactly what Jennifer talked about. I was able to take the time away with God and rest before Him. I do tend to try to take some time with Him each day, or try to do something to unplug a bit, but I must have been pushing myself the past few weeks, and not realized it.

At some point during that time our Associate Pastor, Brad came in and talked with me a bit. Cindy (with my permission) had shared some of what was going on with me at a staff meeting where they pray for each other and members of the congregation who request it, so he knew a bit of what was going on. I was just sobbing when he walked into the library. I couldn’t hide it and didn’t try.

Brad shared with me some of what he had gone through a few weeks ago, where he too was at a place of emptiness and fatigue, with nothing left to give. He shared how God met him in a place of peace and withdrawal… a vacation with his family. Hmm. Sound familiar? (Abandon Annually??) He prayed with me before he left me alone again, that I would receive a word from God, and that I would find the rest that I needed.

Oh girlfriends, God is so good.

I was speaking to my soul, without realizing it. Between my time off at the coffee shop on Sunday, and my time at church yesterday afternoon, and dinner with Cindy afterward.

“We must choose for our wills to take a break from striving, for our minds to quiet the noise of thought, and for our emotions to detangle our knotted feelings.”

I choose to get away, and take a break. I voiced that desire to Dave, and God made it happen.
The enemy was having his way with me.

“When we are physically and emotionally spent and worn, we become susceptible to the enemy’s attack. We become easy targets, sitting ducks. Our enemy attacks us with despair, depression, illness, impatience, and myriad other maladies…all results of a fatiged soul and body.”

Jennifer is right that speaking rest to our souls is critical. There is no other way around it. If we don’t allow ourselves to rest… more than just physical rest, and tell our souls to, not just hope it happens; well, we are going to find ourselves in dire straights. There is no other way around it.

We need to be still and know that He is God.

I learned that yesterday. Though I didn’t think I was being “quiet” before God, I guess I really was settling my soul down before Him. Everything that was in me poured out before Him. I left nothing unchecked (at least as much as I could at that point in time).

I woke this morning exhausted.

However, I also woke knowing that God was with me.

Knowing that God was faithful and that God would keep His promises towards me.

Still physically and emotionally tired and drained, I know that I am experiencing more peace today than I have in a while. I still feel a bit on the edge emotionally, yet still have more peace than I have had in about 3 weeks or so. I am still struggling with depression, and struggling with motivating myself to get some things done around the house that need doing, or even doing things for myself to make myself feel better. But I have peace.

I truly don’t know how to explain it other than I still am depressed. I still am tired. I still am aching and hurting (and yes even crying right now) over losing the relationship with Tricia. But I still have this PEACE.

Maybe it comes back to Philippians 4:7
“And the peace of God which transcends all understanding shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

There is no other explanation.
I am going to continue to tell my soul to find rest in God alone.
Nothing else will do.

"Self talk, Soul Talk," Chap. 8; Look back...

Yesterday as I sat down to read this weeks chapter, I had no idea what I was getting into.
If you want to see how others responded to this chapter, pop on over to Lelia’s site and check out the links from there!

Each week, Jennifer has sent me on different paths, all of them being very important as I have finished my counseling and have been adjusting to needing to catch myself in the things that normally my counselor would have talked over with me.

This week talked about something that I have realized before. Something that I think is what my blog has, in part, become about.

Jennifer talked about how it is so important to look back to memories in our life and see how God has worked through them and in them. And how He has redeemed them.

“Reviewing our milestones gives us a chance to mark progress and keep on the right path. It affords an opportunity to remember.”

“The real power of any moment is fully realized when it is remembered. The experience might have been painful or pleasant, but its intensity and meaning grow when we remember and reflect upon it, when we place it alongside those milestone moments we’ve stowed away in our thought closets.”

When I was in counseling, it was a lot of time reviewing painful memories. Some of them horrific as Jennifer mentioned. Those memories were just horrible. Some of them so bad that I had blocked the worst of them out.

But, as we worked through them, a little at a time, God started re-defining them, re-labeling them. He helped me work through them, processing the memories so that I could come to terms with them, and helping me get to the point where I could see how He was working through them.

The painful memories are still that. Painful. However, I do know that God will work them together for good.

“He can make even painful memories profitable as He gives meaning to them.”

It has also been good to look back at the good memories too. The wonderful, amazing things that God has done in my life, the times of celebration, the times of joy I have experienced. Those things have become more and more precious to me as I have looked back at them. In that, Jennifer is right. When we look back at our experiences, they have purpose and value and they are part of our stories.

Our souls do need to look back and not forget what has happened in the past… not only to not forget what has made us who we are, but to remember what God has done through those experiences. How He has proven so faithful.

One of the biggest things for me that I never want to forget is one of the most significant ways God showed me how He was healing me, in the midst of my counseling.

He took something that was in my mind’s eye, a big black box that I was afraid to open. God took it and made it into a white box that wasn’t too hard for me to open. I was sitting in Jesus’ lap, and He took bits of my heart out of that box, and slowly was healing them together. I was held securely in His lap as He picked each piece out and healed it back into my heart… and then He leaned over and blew the breath of His Spirit into my heart, turning from fragile and breakable, to a living heart of flesh.

There is so much more to the image, but you can read more about that HERE.

Ever since then, I have looked back fairly regularly to that post, and to my journaling from that time.

Both have served as great reminders of what God has done. How He has redeemed my past, how He has himself restored me, and made me strong, firm, and steadfast.

This blog has definitely been a way to mark the milestones in my life, and I am so glad that you are going on the journey with me, and that you can see and celebrate the milestones with me!

"Self talk, Soul talk," Chap. 7; Calm down...

Oh I was (am) so much like Jennifer. I internalize everything. Every hurt or slight, real or perceived. Every time something doesn’t go the way I planned (there is that need for control), or even letting go and letting someone else plan… It has always led to anger.

I never realized it until I was in counseling and we talked about my being angry. I told my counselor that I didn’t “get angry.” I might be upset a little, but I just “got over it.”
She asked about times I had been hurt by others. Was I ever angry at them? Or even angry at the circumstance?

At first I didn’t know how to respond. But then I managed to say that I never really was, I was always able to rationalize why something happened and accept it. Eventually I admitted that I thought God never wanted us to be angry about anything. We weren’t supposed to be angry as Christians. So I wasn’t.

Not externally.

Tricia showed me how in reality, I was angry, but because I didn’t think it was acceptable, I turned the anger inward.

Because I felt it wasn’t right to express anger, and because I never had a good model for expressing anger, I internalized it all.

There was a chart that Tricia showed me that helped me understand it better.

One of the big things that Jennifer said here that ties into Tricia’s chart is,
“So much of our anger in our lives comes from unmet expectations and frustrations that we don’t have ultimate control.”



Tricia said that anger comes out of the feelings of fear, hurt or frustration that are unresolved. If we don’t resolve those feelings they turn into anger/depression. Anger/depression still isn’t sin. But if we don’t head it off at the pass, it does become sin by moving into hostility/bitterness. If we don’t deal with that level, it escalates into hate/self hate. That area really becomes the one where we contemplate ending something. Whether it be a relationship with someone else, or whatever, it’s wanting to get the whole situation, person, etc to disappear and not exist anymore. And when you don’t deal with that hate/self hate, you end up moving to the stage of murder/suicide. Rarely do we see people get here… at least personally… in the conventional sense of murder. But Tricia pointed out to me that it is not “contemplating” the death of something anymore, it is really dying. Whether it be a relationship, killing someone else, or killing yourself.

There are areas that God has left in our control. There are things that we can do to stall out this steady progression of anger intensity.

We need to find peace.

“Our trust in God is inextricably linked to our peace from God.”

Relaxing in the arms of our Savior and letting Him breathe peace into our very souls is so healing.

Oh when I left the hospital after being there for being at the self hate stage, and rapidly moving up… I was filled with anger, though I didn’t realize it at the time. Anger at the situation I was in, anger at myself that I couldn’t control my emotional reaction to things happening to me. Anger at the situations I had been in, in the past, were still affecting me… I mean how weak could I be?

I had to learn to accept that adversities and hardships. Like Jennifer said, life isn’t fair, bad things happen to good people, “accepting that reality isn’t the same as approving of your difficult circumstances.”

I haven’t been able to change all the circumstances I was in over a year ago. But I have been able (sometimes) to change my reactions to them. I have been able to start to turn things over to God and let Him deal with them. I can change me, and how I react. I am responsible for me. I can’t change anyone else, or anything else around me. I am responsible to God for how I react and live my life, and how well I follow Him.

Oh, I still internalize my anger. But I have started to find healthier ways of letting it out….

What are those? They vary from situation to situation, depending on where I am at.

• Driving the car with music blasting, so I can yell at God about stuff
• Screaming into a pillow
• Hitting a pillow or baseball bat as hard as I can against a bed (or something that won’t break)
• Going out and rollerblading really fast
• Going biking really fast (anything to let it out through physical activity)
• Crying is a good one too

I am also learning to turn to God’s word. I tend to go to the Psalms the most. Because my anger very easily turns to depression. So calming my soul starts with Psalm 42, “Why are you so downcast, oh my soul? Why so disturbed within me?”

I go back to trying to figure out why I am hurt or frustrated or fearful, what has caused my anger so I can deal with it. And I try not to condemn myself for my reactions, but instead do some soul talk, use those “water words” Jennifer talked about.

“Water words are full of discretion, grace and mercy. They don’t condemn. They encourage and cleanse.”

“Your soul needs the water of the Word to wash over your thought closet.”

Like I said, I am still an internalizer. I still struggle with letting others know how I feel. And it’s even harder when sometimes I haven’t taken the time to figure out what I am feeling.

This is still a growth journey I am on as well… and I think I will always be on it. I think I will always be struggling against the anger at situations from my past, and continually letting them go, or with ongoing situations or ones coming up. But don’t we all?

“When you have peace with God, you can have peace from God - the peace that Christ brings.”

I want to keep speaking words of peace to my soul, so that my anger doesn’t get out of control again. I don’t want to ever let it move beyond the anger/depression stage and into sin again. I may very well go there. I have recently I have realized in the course of writing this post. But praise God for His forgiveness and His grace!

We are all works in progress. Don’t ever give up on yourself. God doesn’t. And He never will.

Even when it seems impossible that you could possibly get that temper under control, or keep yourself from internalizing and destroying yourself from the inside out…. nothing is impossible with God. Keep turning it over to Him. Keep asking Him for wisdom.

Don’t give up. He never does.