Living for Him = obedience

It has been a long week or so, fighting off a sinus infection.

I am still not up to full speed, after a week on anti-biotic.  I still feel stuffy, though not as bad as I was last weekend.

This morning I had to lead worship.
Now that I'm done leading, I'm exhausted.

Wednesday's rehearsal went relatively well.  At least everyone else probably thought so.  However halfway through the rehearsal found me nearly in tears.  I had not been into work until noon, because I knew I had to stay late for rehearsal.  I was exhausted, and I still wasn't feeling the best.

I made it to rehearsal, but was having a hard time hearing, because my head was so plugged up.  It didn't help that we were introducing a new song that I had sung only a few times, with people who knew it.  None of them were with me that night, and I was having a hard time with the rhythm.  Between the piano player and the drum player, I was hearing two different things.

I was so close to tears that I had to move the rehearsal along to the next songs because I couldn't do any more.

This morning every single song went really well in the rehearsal.  When we were done with rehearsal, I knew that I was going to be closing the set right before communion with prayer.  So I looked up a few scriptures to use to pray through/with and did a quick photo copy of the pages to blow up the size a bit.

We did our opening set, I opened in prayer and turned it over our pastor.

When our pastor started his sermon, I kind of felt like God was pressing on me the words of the song.  THE song.  The one I had been struggling with the rhythms in rehearsal.  I felt like He was asking me to really think about them. 

"We bow our hearts,
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit, come make us humble."

And then our pastor started talking about partnering with God (through prayer), being devoted to the mission (doing what He told us to do in prayer - being obedient) and then keeping Christ central.

As he spoke, I felt the Spirit speaking to me.... I started praying and Pastor Kim's words just started sinking into my spirit.  God really used that time of the sermon to get to me.  To get me to humble myself, seek some forgiveness, and ask God what He wanted me to do.

I felt like I had to share something about this new song with the congregation before they learned it.

So I got up there without any other plans than to open my mouth and let God speak.  I really didn't know what to say.  I'm still not sure what all I did say.

When I got up front and got the mic, I asked our sound tech to put the words up for the song.  I shared that we were going to be doing a new song, but before they concentrated on learning a song, I wanted them to really pay attention to the words, so that if they couldn't engage in the singing, they could engage with their hearts and minds with the words.

I read through all the words of the song, and said that if we were going to be God's people, really seeking His face, really seeking to do His will and obey Him, we needed to humble ourselves before Him.  We need to tear down our idols and focus our hearts and mind on Him, worshiping no one and no other thing.

My heart, and words just came out, that I don't remember.  But I invited them, as we started the song to stand, sit or kneel as they fell led, and to truly humble themselves.

It took all I had to keep from crying.  I had to stop a few times because I started to choke up.  I coudn't tell God no - well I could have.  I could have not said a word.  I could have just said that we were introducing a new song, and to stand and join in as they learned it. 

But God wanted more.

I can't ask Him to speak to me, then ignore something He says cause it's uncomfortable to do - and then walk away and ask Him to speak to me in some other area, when I haven't obeyed Him in the first area.  That was something Pastor Kim said today.

He said, "God cannot work through disobedient servants."

It was a moment for me this morning when I knew that I did exactly what God really wanted me to do and didn't shrink from it.  I kept seeking Him the whole time, to make sure that there was nothing of "me" in it. 

I think that if the real desire of my heart is to live for Him, I really have to start doing it.  There are so many other things that I am fighting with, things where I am resisting Him in.  But if I keep on resisting Him, how really am I living for Him?  I am living for myself, just saying I'm living for Him, but not fully.  Not totally sold out.  Only living for Him when it's convenient for me.



I don't know what is going to come of it.  If I will be able to follow through in other areas in my life.  But I just know that He is changing me - working in me yet again.

I have counseling tomorrow afternoon, in the middle of my work day.  When I am done, I have to return to work out the rest of the day.  I don't know for sure what we will work through, that is in God's hands and not something I should really try to control.

There have been so many things that have gone down this past week to 10 days, that I don't know where to start with her, much less here on my blog!  And there is still stuff from the past that isn't resolved either!

But, even with all that - the words of this song, "Give Us Clean Hands," still haunt me even now.

Below is a video from You Tube that is the closest to how we did it that I can find at the moment.  It has all the words right along with it, so you can read along.

God did something this morning, in my heart, that I am still trying to figure out.  The feelings of repentance, humbling of self, seeking God to give me clean hands and a pure heart, tearing down idols.... I don't know where it is leading.  But I know that God did something, and is continuing to.  I am praying that He won't let me dismiss it, or stop following Him, stop obeying Him where He wants me to.

so very precious...

I see something so very precious in front of me, slipping away so fast.

I try to grab it, to hold it together, but it shifts and changes and, what I once knew it as, is gone.

We've been so close, spent so much time together... birthdays, parties, weekly gatherings.

Homes were opened to each other.

Meals were shared.

Hearts were opened to each other.

Tears and laughter were shared.

Now it's a new stage, a new place.

One unfamiliar.

The shape has changed and morphed over the years as it's needed to, slowly growing or shrinking to accommodate its members. Now it's changing again, but suddenly, at least more than ever before.

Still family.

But different.

Hurts and tears still there.

Hugs and comfort still there too.

But its all changed and changing.

What it was, what we were, is slipping away

lost in the past,

but what we are is yet unknown, other than

we are family.

God's changing us and breaking us out of the mold we have been in. We are all tired and need to stretch and straighten and work out the kinks come from being in one place for too long. But we still need each other, just differently.

It comes as a shock, seeing what I feared becoming reality.

But somehow, I know God is in it. He is doing something for all of us, and in all of us.

So something very dear and precious to me is slipping away.

But I know that God replaces good with better, and better with best. Always improving it. Always moving us upward and inward to His "best" He has for us.

So do we hang onto what we know, to what is familiar, or do we let go of this thing that has become so precious to us, and instead, grab onto God and make HIM the most precious thing to us?

Submitting to Him. Surrendering my plans. Letting go of what I love.

Then I can love Him more.

Then I can find Him to be my very all in all.

Then He becomes so very precious

- that when I grab on -

He doesn't ever slip away and disappear.

She Listens and She Eats... She Speaks Part 2

The air was electric, and the sense of the Holy Spirit settling on this place was palpable...

Katie and I walked into the main banquet hall and found a table with room for the two of us to sit. It wasn't long before Cheri Keaggy was leading us in some songs and worship. Then the P31 team came in dancing to "We are family." They were so funny!

It was really awesome to see them all come in together. They all got up front and Lysa introduced them all to us and shared how much it meant to be working with all of them and to be truly family.

I remember sitting and listening to Lysa talk that night about "Finding your own remarkABLE."

You will have to remember that I was running on little to no sleep. I had been up since about 3:30am. It was a long day already and after dinner I still had a break out session and my evaluation group!

Some of the things that jumped out at me was one part where she asked what blocked our personal revival. Eventually my mind connected that with a statement she said about what do I think about more than Jesus? She brought up the verse in Jonah 2:8 that my friend Cindy has commented to me several times. (Ok, more than several times... it seems to be a theme lately)

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."
Jonah 2:8

So what is the thing that I think about more than Jesus? What is the thing that is holding me back from following Him with all of my heart? What about me is like the rich young ruler.
Wanting to follow Jesus, wondering what I still lack, and then when I hear it, am I willing to make the changes necessary to give up what I value above HIM?

I am still thinking about what it is that I value above my Jesus.

I am not 100% sure yet.

It could be my comfortable life.
My comfortable home.
My comfortable family.
My comfortable routine.

Hmm... my comfort?
Isn't Jesus all about us getting out of our comfort zones and jumping out of the boat to walk on the water with Him?

The other thought from her talk was summed up this way.

What are the things that we all go around saying, "I have to..."

I have to make supper for the kids.
I have to clean the bathroom.
I have to get groceries.
I have to go to church.
I have to spend time with God.
I have to go to work.

When you start saying those things with the "I have to" phrase, don't you start resenting those things you "have to" do?

I start thinking about all the things that make demands on my time, and wonder if any of it is really worth it.

Lysa challenged us to change how we said those statements. To think about those things we "have to" do with thankfulness.

I am able to make supper for the kids.
I am able to clean the bathroom.
I am able to get groceries.
I am able to go to church.
I am able to spend time with God.
I am able to go to work.

Doesn't that change how you look at those things? It sure does for me. Suddenly it makes me aware of how blessed I am to have these different things to do, and how blessed I am to have the health, capability, and opportunity to do these things.

I want to re-write the script in my mind that I don't "have to" follow after God, but I am "able to" follow after Him.

What a powerful way to open the conference.

Following that, we had our dinner. I must say the food was excellent all weekend. I never felt hungry.

But that night, the more I ate, the worse I felt. I started feeling light headed. I could feel my stomach getting sick. My tiredness, exhaustion really, was catching up with me. So was my anxiety about the evening and my first talk I had to give.

The longer I had to sit around that table, the worse I felt. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I spoke to Katie, and excused myself from the table....

(to be continued)

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 7

Welcome to our "Yes to God" study hosted by Lelia. Please join us... read along with us... comment freely~

Chapter 7: What's the Worst that Could Happen?

For me, that is a hard question to answer. There are fears that are preying on my mind. I always have them, but there are times when I am able to push them away or drown them out.

The past few years I have fought fears.
Fears of failure.
Fears of the past.
Fears of the future.

Fears.
Tons of them.

I know that many of them were played up by the enemy as well, because come on. Would he really want to see a child of God succeed, and grow and be productive in the Kingdom?

I like Micca's point that the very worst thing that could happen to anyone is to not know Jesus, and be eternally separated from Him.

I am so grateful to be His child. I can call Him "Abba, Father" because I have been given the spirit of adoption. He is my Father. I am His child. There is no comfort on earth better than that.

When I can boil it all down to that, my fears do seem to melt away.

But, as I live and breathe, things crowd in and take over, and life happens, distractions come. I lose my focus. It gets foggy. It gets muddy. Suddenly I feel like I am living under this huge weight.

It's a weight today, that only briefly, as I distracted myself by window shopping with my son, lifted.

It was a warm day, sunny for the most part, and we had a mommy and son day, doing some of our favorite things.

It was nice. It was really very fun.

I came home and reality crashed in.

Now my stomach is in knots again.

I am coming down a bit from the emotional high I was on from last week. That isn't what is causing the knots though. I would say that I am at a "lower emotional level" (like that dancing with words?).

Its some other circumstances... that frankly, I am not helping right now. My hubby wants me to get a job. I haven't yet. I should. We will be extremely lucky if we don't get overdrawn before the next check comes in. Literally. And it comes in on Thursday. You know the check that will over draw us? Our tithe check. If it gets deposited tomorrow.

Yes.
Our. Tithe. Check.

i feel pretty small right about now....

And I am trying to figure out how the heck to get even $10 into the bank before the check gets deposited by the church.

Ugh.

And so I am wide awake. Exhausted. A headache. A knot in my stomach. A sore back. And I feel like I could throw up.

Then I read this:
"Christ's provision goes far beyond heaven and earth. When you and I face the unknown, God is there, leading the way through our unknown territory until we are safe on the other side."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I know His history with me.
He has made that above statement a true one.
I can wholeheartedly agree with it...
concerning my past.

Intellectually, I can agree with it concerning my future.

But my heart?

Humpf.

My heart isn't having any of it...
which is why I still feel like throwing up.

My head keeps telling me I was dumb to put that tithe check in the offering plate this Sunday because I knew how close we were running this week to hitting "red." But I heard this little voice say, "Trust Me." So, with a deep breath I put it in, and let it go.

Then proceeded to use my credit card when I needed, or wanted, to buy something this week. So, where is the trust in that???????

Yeah, I took it into my own hands immediately that afternoon. When I went to the store to get some things we didn't need. Things I wanted.

So... should I really try to scrape up $10 to save us a $30 fee, or do I take my punishment for not being a good steward? It's one check. One item that will overdraw us. We won't spend anything till his check clears our account on Thursday... but I am not even going to want to look at the account on line... especially when it comes time to pay some bills.

Ok... so I don't know if this post had anything to do with this weeks chapter, or if I am just venting. But I look at the question, and apply it to my life... what's the worst that could happen?

I say to myself, and to others... well, we could lose everything, but we won't lose his job, because its a stable profession (at least right now they aren't firing nurses in our area!). We can always move in with his folks at the farm, and no one will let us starve to death....

But, inside I quiver when I say that, and pray that God won't make it come to that. But He just might. To get my attention. I can't blame it on my hubby's lack of money management skills. I can't blame it on mine. It's deeper than that. It's a control issue. It's a heart issue. It's a greed issue. It's a "I want it all and I want it now" issue. It's an issue of not being able to really take hold of and apply the delayed gratification principle.

It's an issue of trust. Letting go of the things that I think I need. The things I think I want. The things that I try to fill my emptiness with.

I try to go "cold turkey" and really clamp down on my spending. I may not be able to control anyone else's spending, but I can control mine. So... nada... nothing. Be careful. Get only the milk needed and not one extra thing more....
Then slowly I loosen things up a bit... without really realizing it, and suddenly I have my credit card out all the time, the bills go up, my "appetites" go up, and my control goes down. I justify it by telling myself I don't go out and spend it all on clothes, though I would love to go get some clothes that fit me, and stop trying to patch the jeans I have to make them work. Instead, I go out an I spend on coffee, food, extras at the grocery store, books... (oh, that's a bad one...) taking my son out to eat (twice) today rather than packing a lunch and being home in time for dinner.
and I am back in the hole... financially, spiritually, emotionally... fearful and stressed... and knowing that God has better for me, but no idea of how to get there.

I need to let God fill me. Let God show me the things I really need. Again. Show me the things that I really want. Again.

Part of my memory verse this time is from Psalm 86:11-13
Verse 11:
"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

I need an undivided heart... one wholly devoted to Him, to His truth, and His way. I need to fear Him more than fearing our financial situation (than fearing how I handle our financial situation... clamping down or burying my head...). I need to fear God above all else. A holy fear.

If I would finally give in and fear Him and Him alone, maybe I could stop striving for things to fill me up and make me feel better. Maybe I would finally be able to rest. If I fear Him, I sure wouldn't have time to fear anything else!

I want to stand firm on Him. I want to stand firm on His grace. I want to stand firm, knowing the Holy Spirit guides me... in Faith not Fear!

"In times of trouble, whether it's in our family, workplace, community, church, or world, we have to get understanding from the Holy Spirit, who leads us in all truth and supplies supernatural strength to endure until the end by faith, not fear."

Please pray friends that I would let God have control of this area in my life and heart, that currently has control of me. There is a part of me - surprise - that just isn't surrendered to Him. Honestly, I really AM afraid of what it will take to get me to the point of letting it go. It seems the times I have tried in the past, in response to the promptings of the Spirit, well, I just keep taking it back. Maybe it's come in stages, a bit at a time, as I have been willing to surrender it.... but I see my spending habits, and attitudes about money reflected back at me, in my 5 yr old (a wonderful 5 yr old mirror), and I don't like it.

Micca said:
"If you are full of worry, then it may be that you have not fully given every area of your life over to God."

I agree with that... but I also know that I made conscious decisions today that caused me to spend more than I needed to.... probably that $30 overdraft charge I am going to have... on credit. And I consciously squelched the Spirit, and said I am going to do it when I want, and how I want.... I "deserve" it. HA!

There is no graceful way to end this post. So I am just going to publish this. But know my heart is cringing right now... just because it hates being this exposed. This hits a bit too close to home to be comfortable.
I suppose playing it safe, and coming up with generic comments about the chapter would be more comfortable. But it wouldn't be honest. It would be lying. It would be saying that everything is swell, when it isn't.

How could I really say that I am actually ON the road and really WALKING with Jesus if I didn't show the pot holes, washouts and rock falls along the way...

It's raw (as my heart and stomach... oh, does it feel icky right now... can attest to) but it's real.
No apologies for that... but praying I didn't over step bounds, or this post will be gone and maybe not re-written... just so I don't get tempted to lie!

Anger, healing, and my God...

I’m angry.

Angry at God.

There.
I said it.

And it looks just as bad as I thought it would.

As I went through that awful experience… as he was hurting me, as I was trapped and helpless, with no voice and nowhere to go… in my head, I was screaming, over and over, “God help me!!!” And He didn’t. Here He is, fully aware of every situation. Fully able to act in everything. Yet, He chose not to act. He chose to let me go through that.

I know that there probably is a reason. I know that He will end up using this for good somehow. I know that He will heal me. I know that I may never know why I had to endure that. I know that I had free will walking into that situation. I know that guy had free will too, and I was affected by that.

But God could have stopped it. He didn’t.

Tricia said that though God didn’t answer my desperate plea that night, He is answering it now. It wasn’t in my timing, but His. He is helping me now. He was with me then, whether I knew it or not, and He is helping me now, whether I feel it or not.

I have to believe that.

Or I am going to go crazy. I am going to drive myself crazy with trying to deal with feelings that aren’t lining up with the truth. I have to start believing the truth.

…or I will start living a lie…
…that my God isn’t big enough…

If I just give those words lip service; if I don’t believe that He was there, saw it all, saw the wounds it was making, caused me to forget it till I could deal with it, and is walking me through it now; I start putting God into a box of someone who is uncaring, willing to act at random, and unpredictable in his showing love for me vs. wrath towards me. I make Him into a god who is not the all powerful, loving, faithful God that I know He is.

I have to believe that He was there. I have to believe, though no one else heard a sound…

*My God heard the screaming in my head.
*My God wept with me as I tried to hide the hurt, and terror as I later lay on the bed.
*My God saw me go into the bathroom and try to clean myself up and pull myself back together… unable to look in the mirror.
*My God held me the next few days as I ached from the violence of it all, and woke up shaking, sick from nightmares.
*My God stayed by me as, with His help, I carefully constructed a thick-walled room to completely block myself from remembering that rape.
*My God was with me 2 1/2 years ago while a friend prayed with me on the phone, and I felt His Presence with me, telling me that He accepted me… accepted me because I am beautiful and precious to Him, that He loves me and I am His.
*My God was with me 2 days later as I remembered this rape for the first time in ten years.
*My God has been with me as I have started to walk through processing this, and getting the pain and poison out of the wound.

He is opening the deep wound, cutting away the dead, scarred tissue. He is cleaning it out, and dressing it and wrapping it with a bandage. And at each appointment in His office, He is opening up the bandage again, cleaning it out some more, taking out more of the infection, re-dressing it, and re-bandaging it.

It hurts each time He exposes it to the air. It smells of rottenness and poison.

And the pain…
oh the pain is beyond describing…
only groans, too deep for words to express, can even begin to tell of the pain inside…
pain that is starting to come out with gut wrenching moans and cries…
pain that I am finally allowing myself to mourn, to grieve, to sob over.

My God, my Healer, brings me back time and again to His office. He uses my counselor, Tricia, in that office. She becomes my God’s gentle hands, touching, guiding and moving me to a place where I am able to deal with the pain. She becomes my God’s quiet voice, talking me through everything He is doing. Through her, He opens up that wound as much as I can bear for that visit to His office.

*He gives Tricia the wisdom, insight, and discernment she needs to be His hands and voice to me.
*He gives me the strength, courage, and desire to sit and cooperate in His cleansing and healing.

I leave that office exhausted. I leave it many times shaking with nearly overwhelming pain and a sick feeling in my stomach. But I leave it with a strong hug and encouragement from my counselor. I leave Tricia behind as I walk out of the office, but I never leave my Great Physician behind. I know that my God is walking out of there with me, getting me home safely, caring for me as I try to carry on with my normal, everyday living.

I still don’t know the reason I have had to go through this. To be honest, the answers that He will use this to help someone else, or strengthen me, or that He will work all this for the good, really don’t satisfy right now. Even if they are true.

To say that this experience, even the process of healing, has formed me into who I am today, that I can accept… but much more than that right now, I don’t know.

I am still in process.

I am still in the midst of grieving what was done to me. I am still mourning the bad choices I made. I am still in the process of forgiving him… of forgiving myself… of accepting the grace and forgiveness that God is extending to me.

I am still angry with God. I found myself at our family group today. I shared a bit of what I have shared here, about being angry with God. I shared a bit of the experience I went through. I also shared that I was finding it very hard to admit that I am angry at God for allowing this… because I can’t be mad at God… but I am.

As we entered into a time of prayer, almost as soon as we quieted ourselves, I felt myself turning to God and nearly yelling at Him, “I am so angry at You. It hurt so much! I am furious You let this happen!” And then I collapsed sobbing into His arms.

The image, and the nearly physical feeling I had, was of seeing a parent holding their child, loving on them, while the child is so angry that she is beating against her parent’s chest with her little fists… unable to hurt her parent, unable to get out of that loving embrace… and finally the child stops resisting the hug, and falls to sobbing in the safety of her parent’s love.

I am that child I saw as we prayed.
I am still angry.
I am still crying.
I am still confused.
I am still hurt.
But:
I am still healing.
And:
I am still in His arms.

The better country...

“All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.” Hebrews 11:13-16

The land that I have lived in for so long has been dark and gray and filled with anxiety and fear. I haven’t felt like I would ever receive the gifts of the kingdom, of freedom and promise. I was afraid that I didn’t have a hope and a future, because my past, and the things I have experienced there.

But I have tried to live by faith. Faith in the God of the bible who has shown again and again in the scriptures that He is a God of deliverance. He delivered the Israelites from Egypt, into their promised land. He delivered them again and again from their enemies when they turned to Him. He sent His Son, Jesus, to deliver all of us, if we turn to Him, and admit we need help. I have to believe that He will deliver me.

And I have seen evidence of it. Again and again He has delivered me a little at a time from different things in my past that have been holding me back. He has taken me little by little out of the old country and has pointed me towards the better country. The one promised to me, the one I have hoped and longed for.

Even when I didn’t see the evidence of changes or that God was starting to work, others around me could. I had to take their word for it at first. But then I started to see the promises from a distance. I can see the hope and future. I can see how much God is working. And I do have hope.

The phrase that really caught my attention, from the verse above, was the following.
“If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead they were longing for a better country…”

My past is the country that I have been trying to come out of. When I look back at it, I find that I can dwell on the things that have hurt me or held me back. I end up thinking of those so much, they cause me more pain and hurt.

My past has been an idol, or the pain of my past, I should say. I have focused on that for so long. I have looked at those things and held them up for all to see… held them up in my focus and in front of me for so long, that they have distracted my gaze from God. The country I have come from lures me back again and again to focus on it… to make myself go back there, and be trapped there.

Despite the fear of facing up to, and dealing with some of the last outstanding issues of my past, I know I need to. I need to face them and get them out of the way. Then I can look forward to the promises of the future. And as I am working through those issues, I have learned that I need to keep my focus on God, on the future that He promises me… because that gives me hope. Hope that I will get through and be able to keep on going. Hope that as I leave these things behind, dealt with and in the past… though I might feel empty for a time, God is coming in behind to fill all the gaps. He will fill me to overflowing with hope by the power of His Holy Spirit.

Saying goodbye to the past, to the things that have held me captive for so long, and say hello to the future promises, to the good things that God has in store for me.
That is my goal. That is my focus.

I will not stay stuck here anymore. No matter how much the enemy tries to intimidate me into staying where I am. I am moving on.

I am leaving the old behind, the new is coming. It may be lonely for a while. It may be hard. I may find myself longing for the garlic and leeks of Egypt (forget the Pharaoh and oppressive slavery there) rather than the manna of the desert that is between slavery and the promised land flowing with milk and honey.

I just want to encourage anyone else who is struggling with leaving things behind. There are idols in all of us that block us from God. We turn to them rather than the safe and loving arms of our Savior, because those other things are familiar and comfortable. It is so easy to stay where we are, because we know it.

Moving on, letting those things go, is scary, because we don’t know where we are going. We don’t know where we will end up. We don’t know what this promised land is, or what it looks like. We have heard it is good, but there seem to be so many obstacles and giants in the way. We doubt. We fear.

But God has so much more planned for us. So many things He wants to show us. If only we would follow Him. He is calling to us, calling us to follow Him… to drop everything and follow Him. For what we lose in this life we will receive back more than we had before. (Mark 10:29-30) He will give us more than we could have ever asked or imagined… because He loves us and wants the best for us. He wants us to give Him the chance to show us what He can bless us with.

We just need to drop everything and follow Him.

It sounds so easy in words, I know. In the actual doing it is hard. It is tearing things out of us that have become part of us. But if we ask God to help us separate from those idols and other things holding us back, He will. And, after we have walked away from them for a while, we will wonder why we ever held onto those things in the first place.

God will give us blessings beyond belief. He will fill us, and hold us, even when everything seems like it is falling apart. Because He is the God who creates and sustains, fills and loves.

“For by Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” Colossians 1:16-17

He holds us together, even when we feel we are falling apart. When we let go of our idols, tear down the high places in our lives, and feel like we are crumbling and falling and empty… HE IS HOLDING US TOGETHER! He is holding me together.

I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy of all praise. So shall I be saved from my enemies. I will trust Him with everything I am, everything I have. He is my Lord. He knows what is best for me. That is my prayer and my focus this week. Despite how I am feeling, despite the pressure to conform and go back to old ways of life and coping with it.

I choose to put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes (and it will come), I will be able to stand my ground, and after I have done everything, to stand.
Will you focus your gaze on the better country? Will you stand with me? Firm in the promises of God? In Faith?

Idols and lies... and the one, true God

“Just watched… Just another confirmation from God… Just amazing grace… Just you ask? Sometimes I think of how God looks at me now… just as if I’d never sinned… sometimes I think of how God answers prayer… just at the right time… yes it’s our JUST GOD at work again as He always is…”

This was the response I got from a dear friend of mine after she had watched part of a video I linked to her.

How true is that? Our God is so just, so wonderful, so mighty, so loving, so powerful, so gentle with us. Through my friend and some difficult things she is working on in her own life with God, He spoke into my life in a powerful way.

He showed me the ways He has been guiding me up to this point, this summer. He placed me in a bible study through Living Proof Ministries, organized by Beth Moore. It is a study based on identifying your idols… functional idols in your life that give you something that only God can fill. They function for a time, but never fully satisfy, and so leave you hungry… for more. But God is the only one who can fill us to the full.

Isaiah 46 talks about how our man made idols weigh us down and become burdens to us. We end up carrying the idols that we have made. I wrote the following in my journal after reading the first part of Isaiah 46.

“I didn’t get it at first, (when I read the passage) but we are the weary beasts. I am. Anything that I am holding in my life above You, it is something I physically have to hold up above me to block out the view of You. And holding up these things, carrying them is so hard and weighs me down and makes me even more exhausted.”

Isaiah 46:3-4 says, “Listen to me, O house of Jacob, and all the remnant of the house of Israel, who have been upheld by Me from birth, Who have been carried from the womb: Even to your old age I am He, and even to gray hairs I will carry you! I have made and I will bear; Even I will carry, and will deliver you."

I don’t need to carry those burdens any longer. I can lay them down. Instead of carrying my idols, and keeping them as gods in my life, God is carrying me. Maybe this is what God is referring to when He said in Matthew 11:28-30.

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Once I let go of the things I think I need, I can take up Jesus, and find that in my everything, He is carrying me. He has been carrying me. He will carry me. I need to confess the things that I have been carrying and lay them at the foot of the cross.

I have a choice, and so do you…

Like me, you may be thinking, “But they are such big things in my life. How do I lay them down?”

I know I will try to pick them up again and again. They are comfortable and familiar. Some of the things are good things, like singing and playing piano for worship team, writing here and in my journal, my husband… oh, so many more… too many to name. But when they are taken to extremes, and in the deepest part of my heart I become proud of them or possessive of them, then they veer off course and I end up carrying them, holding them above my head in aching arms, but afraid to let them down and see the Son shining in my eyes, and reveal me for who I truly am.

Yet who I truly am really isn’t bad, because I am a daughter of the King. How bad is that? I can have everything given to me, I have only to ask. So why is it so hard to lay the things down that I cling to so much?

Maybe it is because many times we can’t see that we are holding onto a lie. That it is deceptive, wrong and painful to us. I can’t see that I am feeding on ashes at the foot of an idol that cannot deliver me and can only burden me more and beat me into the ground.

God so longs to give me good spiritual food and drink. Healthy and wholesome. He wants me to come and lay my burdens down, and take up His because only then will I find rest for my soul.
This bible study has been confirming all along that is what He wants to have me do. It has been His amazing grace to me that has opened my eyes and let me see. He has confirmed gifts in me, with the warning to not grow prideful and twist something that is good, and depend on it so much that it becomes an idol.

God sees the things in my past, but forgives me all the same, just as if they had never been. He answers prayers that have been prayed over me for the past 3+ years… not when I wanted, not when the people praying for me wanted, but slowly, gradually in His own time… at the perfect time. He is always working whether I see it or not.

And it’s when I don’t see it that I tend to make idols, hoping they will give me the quick answer I want, fill the need I want. Numb the pain, get rid of the hurt, keep more painful things from happening. But that isn’t how God works, and I have had to learn patience. Hard when you are in the midst of a trial.

So many of these things several main idols that I can see, have been a part of me for so long, they look so huge and intimidating, and I wonder if I can really lay them down. Am I even willing to?

Tonight I made a choice to lay them down and ask God to help me root them out of my life. I made a verbal, out loud choice of my will to lay down my idols. My heart isn’t fully there yet, because I know it is going to be a painful process. But what isn’t? Cleansing and purifying our lives can be painful, and can take time. I have been cleansing my life this year through counseling, and it has been very painful… but oh, so rewarding.

I have grown so much closer to God. Even through my mistakes He has continues to call to me. Our just God has been endlessly, unchangeably wanting me to come to Him. When I realize that my way isn’t working, He wants me to fall to my knees, exhausted from all my posturing, manipulating, scheming, and finally lay down all that I have been carrying in hopes that it would fill me.

When I have done that before, sometimes I have expected punishment for leaving him and turning to something else. But each time He has gently taken those things from me and covered me, poured His life and love and comfort into my soul. I have just had to let go and let Him minister to my soul.

Surrender

“[We have to] let go of the life we have planned in order to accept the Life we have waiting for us.”

Our God is our life. Our part is to surrender everything, even our dreams to Him and allow Him to fill every space we have left after letting things go. He will then fill us with His Spirit and HIS dreams for us.

Leah and Rachel, and me...

As I have mentioned before, I have been working my way through a summer bible study by Kelly Minter, called “No Other Gods.” This past week we were working through the section about having people gods. Essentially, we talked about how we let other people or relationships become our gods because we long for something so much, when we find someone who seems to be or to have what we want, we make them our gods.

For instance, someone single and lonely, deeply desiring love and intimacy… they might be tempted to latch onto the first person that comes into their life that shows the slightest interest in them. Because they are so hungry for that love and acceptance, they are willing to do anything for that person to get it. They sacrifice themselves on the alter of the other person, perhaps for a promised love and attachment never fulfilled.

Kelly took us to the story of Leah, Rachel, and Jacob. I have read that story so many times. I always felt so bad for them. There was something about that story that pulled at me, and I didn’t know what.

I think now I do.

Leah was substituted in when Jacob was supposed to be marrying Rachel. He loved Rachel. He wanted Rachel. He didn’t love Leah. Yet, here she was, his wife. She kept bearing him sons, and with each successive son, she thought maybe this one will bring me his love, or attachment, or honor. Nothing worked. He never loved her. She kept bearing him children, because God opened her womb when He saw she was unloved. If she had stopped right there, seen that God was blessing her with children because He loved her, her life could have been so dramatically different.

All she wanted was to feel loved by Jacob. When she didn’t get that, she kept trying everything to get something that even felt like love. She gave Jacob everything. She sold her son’s mandrakes to Rachel for a night with him. She was so desperate to let him know, that she ran out to meet him as he was coming in from the fields.

Still unloved, she settled for a night with him, that felt like love, even if it was just for one night, even if it was for just a little while. And then she woke up, knowing that she was still not the loved wife.

If she had only given up the idol of her husband’s love, and exchanged it for God’s love. She would have been able to live in joy and peace, even without anything else. The drivenness that marked her life would have been gone.

And then there is Rachel. She had what Leah wanted. A husband who loved her. And yet… she was unhappy as well. She was barren. She was unable to have children, and saw her sister having them. She was jealous of her sister’s children, just as her sister was jealous of her husband’s love. She told Jacob that she would die if he didn’t give her children. And then in desperation herself, she gave him her servant to be his wife so she could build a family through her.

Once Rachel finally got pregnant and had Joseph, wouldn’t you have thought she would be satisfied? But as they left her father’s camp, she took her father’s household gods. Little “g.” She had Jacob’s love, her own son, but still wasn’t happy, still was hungry for more. Not knowing what that hunger was, the last real look we have of her was sitting on these idols, on her camel, hiding what she had done.

If Rachel had just realized God’s love for her, the jealousy and discord that ran through that household could have been laid to rest. She might have yearned for a child, but if she had known that God was enough, whether she had a child or not, she might have been happier.
Kelly asked us if we saw little bits of ourselves, or even big chunks of ourselves in either of the sisters, or both.

Leah wanted the love of her husband.
Rachel wanted children.

Leah didn’t get what she wanted, and was miserable.
Rachel did get what she wanted, and was miserable.

I have been in both of their shoes, and was miserable too.

When I was single, all I wanted was someone to love me. Even after I became a Christian, I went through a string of boyfriends. I found them all like one another in one thing. No matter what I gave them, or how much, it wasn’t enough to get them to love me. In public, they seemed considerate and kind, in private they seemed pretty selfish. I gave everything I had to give to them, for the crumbs they would let drop, for the moments of being held that felt like love… and then I would “wake up,” and see it wasn’t really love after all… and nothing I did or gave was ever going to be enough to earn the love I wanted.

Once I was married, I thought that would be it. Finally I was loved. But then I still felt dissatisfied. I decided that what was wrong is that we had no kids. So, I became desperate to have a baby. Less that 2 years after we were married we had our son. I thought then I would be happy.

Nope.

Another year and a half or so, another baby, this time a girl. I was thrilled. I thought this would make me happy.

Stuff, buying things on whims, spur of the moment. Buying to medicate my heart. Getting involved in things at church, or keeping myself busy with work, or other things. Keeping busy with the kids, and family life…

Yet I felt trapped and dissatisfied.

None of it worked. I didn’t feel loved, I didn’t feel like my husband was enough, or the kids, or anything else was enough.

And I despaired.

BUT GOD…

He woke me up. He showed me again and again and again how much He loves me. As He is filling me with His love, I am finding that I can be content with what I have. I still struggle, but all these things aren’t my god. Jesus is. God is my God. I need to let these other things go. I am working on it. Sometimes it is a daily struggle.

There are many things that I have to weed out of my life. I still have some people gods in there. Maybe because I am such a people person.

But God is starting to weed those out. And fill in behind with His Spirit. I think that is what has been going on this past year or so. His waking me up, and starting to clear the temple… to make room for more of Him and less of the other gods. It is a slow process, but this year He has really been working on me overtime.

This clearing out won’t be complete until I am with Him in Heaven, but I pray that the process will continue and that I will be a willing participant in cleaning my house with Him through my whole life.

Psalm 118...

“In my anguish, I cried to the Lord
and He answered by setting me free.
The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?” Psalm 118:5-6

I ran across this verse in a bible study I have been doing. I am doing the study through the LPM Blog, and encouragement from Beth Moore there. The bible study pointed me only to verse 6. The study was talking about fear, and how fear can bind us to things that become our idols.

Here is an example from the bible study:
“I have always been afraid of being abandoned… I carried this fear of being left alone into my adulthood. If I’m not diligently guarding against it, I can allow others to control me because of my fear that if I don’t do what they want, I will lose them and ultimately be left alone… Whatever we fear is our god. Fear itself is not the god; the object of our fear is the god.” Kelly Minter, “Living Room Series: No Other Gods,” pg. 49

Kelly Minter gave us numerous verses to look up that talked about fear, relating to many different things. So as I looked up Ps. 118:6, I backed up to read it in context with a couple of the verses around it.

I realized that God has heard my cries coming out of my anguish and pain for years… and He answered me by setting me free. I used to think that freedom was a “one time” thing. I thought, once I started hearing more about freedom in Christ, freedom from my past, that I could do “one thing” and then I would be free from the depression and other things that plagued me for years.

I now realize that freedom is a bit more of a process. A friend of mine, who started me on this road to freedom, once said that the process of working on our freedom, and dealing with our past, is like peeling an onion. We spend some time on the surface stuff, and clear that out of the way. Then, once that layer is peeled away, we realize there is more under there to work on… we work through that layer, to reveal another… and so on.

So God is answering by setting me free.

And He is with me. That is really key for me. See, I fight with fear of being left alone alone too.. the fear of being abandoned. But that fear is binding me to a slightly different god. I end up fighting with a desire to get attention. Doing things, whether that is using my God-given talents or using my fight with depression, to get attention from others. So, my fear of being abandoned really leads me to be constantly asking myself, “What do others think of me? Oh, that was a really dumb thing to say! Do they still like me? Are they going to stick by me? Maybe I am too much of a drain on them…” and on it goes.

So, the reminder that God is with me is really important. No matter what goes on in my life, what friends move in and out, God is the constant. And I have a choice. “I will not be afraid.” That is a choice that is up to me. Sometimes it is daily, sometimes it is hourly, that I have to make a choice to not be afraid and to remember that God is with me.

No matter what people might do to me, God is with me and I need not be afraid.

I see this idol of others opinions of me carry over into every relationship I have. Seriously, with my husband, my friends, my family and in-laws, people at church, it doesn’t matter. I have, for years, twisted myself in knots trying to please people around me so that I wouldn’t be abandoned, and so that I would get the attention I craved.

It embarrasses me to even say that here. But, I suppose God is working with me through this, so that I can become more “me” with everyone. He wants to be the only one in my life. He wants to be the only God in my life, and the only One I turn to. When I try to satisfy my other gods, I end up finding out that no matter what I do, I can’t. Their hunger is never ending, and no matter the “sacrifices” I make to them, it will never be enough… there is always that critical voice saying that I didn’t do enough, or said too much, or whatever the case might be.

I think that without this study for the summer, I wouldn’t have faced this issue for a while. Now I will be hitting these idols in my life specifically this summer.

So, here’s a question for anyone reading this. What are things that are idols in your life? Is it opinions of others, TV, busyness, computer? There are so many things that can take the place of God in our lives. God calls us to be a peculiar people, set apart for Him. How can we be set apart and peculiar, and identified by our distinctive differences if we have the same idols in our lives just like everyone else around us?

These are ways that God has set us apart from the world. Ways He has said we are a peculiar people.

PECULIAR

Purchased
Empowered
Called
Unashamed
Loved
Indwelt
Accepted
Redeemed

By, Heather Kudla, July 2008

Can we live in these truths? Can I? If I am to let God be God in my life, I need to.

“Don’t be afraid, just believe.” Mark 5:36