Blessing is a cycle...

Blessing is a cycle.

When we bless someone else, we get a blessing in return.

So, what about with God?

Many times in the Bible we are called to bless the Lord.  In Psalm 134 the word “bless” is used three times.  Twice the Psalm entreats us to “bless the Lord.”

However the last time it is used, it is a blessing spoken on us… “May the Lord bless you…”

Yesterday I finished up the Bible study I was working on through the summer.  “Stepping Up,” by Beth Moore.

The last couple of days she made the point that blessing is a cycle with God, not just with one another.  It is a lopsided cycle, but a cycle nonetheless. 

In faith we come into God’s presence, blessing Him, honoring Him, praising Him, worshiping Him.  Then He responds, longing to bless us, opening His hands to us to give blessing.  And we walk away.

How many times have I gone into worship, struggling to remove the distractions so that I could truly bless God, truly praise Him, and then walked out and later felt empty?  I felt blessed at the time of the service, in the service filled and at peace, joy in my heart.  Once I left the building, headed home and back to my “life” I felt empty and restless, with the worries of life pressing in again.

I can spend my time in the Bible, studying and praying in the morning, but it doesn’t seem to carry over into my day, to relate at all to anything I am actually doing and encountering in the day. 

Not all the time, but it seems to happen more often than I want to admit.

Beth said that many times we come out of our times of blessing God and leave His blessings for us behind.

Think about that for a moment. 

If blessing really is a cycle, we bless God, He blesses us and back again, why would we not want to take His blessings with us?

We praise God and bless Him, honor Him and lift up His name, and then He pours out His blessing upon us. 

It is hard for this little brain of mine to comprehend how it all works.  I offer up my pitiful attempts to bless God, and then His infinite mercy and grace are flooded over me.   How can I possibly walk away from a time like that and not be blessed?

And yet…

Many times I blindly stumble out of my times with God, leaving behind His mercy and grace, all flooded over and dripping on the floor.  I come out forgetting I was drenched, feeling dry as a bone.

Yesterday, after reading Beth’s words the night before was a whole new day.  Monday I was those dry bones.  Yesterday, these dry bones were dancing, washed and covered over by the flood of His grace.  His blessings washed away the doubts, fears and stress of the day before and I was free.

All I had to do was ask.  All I had to do was ask God to help me walk out of my time with Him with His blessings in my hands.  I opened my hands and gave Him all my garbage, all my worries, all my stress.  Instead of dropping my hands and walking away when I was done, I kept them open to receive what He had for me.  In the process my heart stayed open to receive the life giving rain of grace, and my eyes stayed open to see the peace and joy God gave me as a result.

It started another cycle of blessing.  Praising Him for seeing and feeling the change, for being able to walk on with His blessing over me, in me.  And my Jesus blessing me again and again throughout the day, reminding me of His blessings for me… 

Oh His grace…

in the moments I fail

and

the moments I am freed…

in the moments of victim

and then

the victory… 

I stumble

and then

I cry…

He lifts me up

and then

I fly…

 His blessings are

beyond compare

To bless Him

and be blessed

unaware…

Oh His grace

His grace…

All is grace…

New season dawning with New freedom

Dawn at Ocean Isle Beach, NC (taken 8-09-11)

Just a year ago found me preparing to lead a Bible study for the first time since college.  I was in a hard place, a dark one.  Depression had snagged me again, and it was hard to look up and see the sun. 

But God had also been speaking to me. 

Through others He had urged me to go back and see my former counselor for a bit.  Then He set a desire in my heart to have a Bible study with “my ladies” from the previous year.  The thing was, even before that He set in me a powerful desire to go through Beth Moore’s Breaking Free Bible study.  Then one of “my ladies” approached me to see if I was going to do a study, actually lead a study.

Feeling that was another prompting of the Spirit, I said yes, got people together, ordered the workbooks and borrowed the video sessions from another church.

“Breaking Free” followed by “Believing God” were two ways that God really worked some healing in my life.

God has healed me and brought me through so much.  In 2007 and 2008 He did the major reconstruction.  This time was a minor remodel, but it shook me and changed me.  Now more than ever I am resting on the Truth, and able to recognize and combat the lies.

“[The Enemy has] greatly oppressed me from my youth, but [he has] not gained the victory over me.  …the Lord is righteous; He has cut me free from the cords of the wicked.”  Psalm 129:2 and 4 (slight rewording mine)

Depression has fled before the Lord, the One who fights for me.  There are times of doubt, wavering, depression.  Not light before. Not despair.  Worry sometimes?  The tendency to be anxious?  Yes, but it doesn’t go too overboard if I catch it right away, and combat it with the truth!

God has led me into the dawning of a new season.

I am leading a Bible study again this fall with “my ladies” and hopefully a few more added to our group.  I feel more excited than fearful.  Anticipation more than dread at the thought of leading.  And really, I don’t “lead” God does.  We share and discuss and open our hearts to one another.  The Holy Spirit works in our hearts.

We all have seen great things happen in each other’s lives as a result of God using the Bible studies, and our prayers for each other.

• Freedom from depression
• Freedom from anxiety in new surroundings
• Husbands coming to church with their wives
• Family units getting stronger
• Children and grandchildren being kept save
• Peace in our own hearts about other concerns

All of us are learning to turn to God, to really believe that:

1. God is who He says He is.
2. God can do what He says He can do.
3. I am who God says I am.
4. I can do all things through Christ.
5. God’s Word is alive and active in me.

We are believing God!

I am so looking forward to this new season in my life.  I am finding myself anticipating more than ever what God is going to do, and how He is going to reveal Himself and His character to me.  He loves us to know Him more, and He loves to show us new facets of who He is.  I can’t wait to draw nearer to my Savior.

Falling in love

I'm falling in love all over again.

Yes, I really am.  And I never thought it would quite be like this.

First God talked to me about surrendering and letting go.



He started pulling me out and away from people and things in my life that were a significant part of my "normal."

Then, God changed the "surrender" word to "submit," and it was like a light bulb going on.

"Oh.  All of me, he wants me to lay it all down on the alter.... and it's not an "it" at all, its ME He wants."

Yeah, I know.  Sometimes it takes me a while.

Some situations sprang up in my life at that point that forced me to submit because there was no way I was going to handle it all on my own strength.  The only way to get through was to submit my days to Him and rely on His strength, not my own.

There were some really dark days there.

Then God did something to me last week Friday, that has lasted all week.  He helped me really become a part of one of the stories in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 5. It was amazing the changes He did in my heart overnight through that simple account of a woman's healing.

I am only starting to grasp what happened when I reached out to touch the hem of His robe last week.

The story was instrumental in my coming to Christ originally.  I said that in my last post.  But what occurred to me just now, as I was writing this, is that it is also very instrumental in my falling in love all over again.

In the Breaking Free study, Beth Moore talks about how much she is in love with Jesus, and how He is the first and greatest joy in her life... and that she was jealous for all of us to have that type of love relationship with Him.  Then another study, that I just picked up again after a long while, last night no less... made the point about us falling in love with Jesus, because that is what is so contagious to others.  Our head over heels, abandoned love for Jesus.

Really, God?

It hit me this morning and I realized the next puzzle piece has fallen into place.  It fits.

Letting go of the things I esteem so highly, and let God take care of them.
Surrender each and every little piece God points out to me of my heart.
Submit my all to Him so that His plans for me become my plans and I just follow along.

As I thought about all this today, I still felt His call to submit and surrender.  I thought about falling in love again with Him.  I thought about how resistant I felt about that whole idea.  Because I thought it had to look a certain way or something.  I kept thinking, "Well, I can't be like so and so, she has all the time she needs to do whatever to fall in love with You. And I can't be like so and so, because I can't live at that pace, and that seems to be how she falls in love with You."

I kept comparing myself.

Finally I heard God's small voice say, "Stop."
I did.

I felt like He really pointed out to me another area I was resisting Him, another spot where I was telling Him to wait, to hold off, to not get too close to that "thing" there.

I told Him I wasn't going to do that.  That I was going to submit to Him right away.  I had already made that commitment nearly 2 weeks ago.  Yet, here I was telling Him wait again.  But this time, instead of beating myself up over it, it was just another light bulb coming on.

It was immediate surrender.

I don't know what this falling in love with God all over again thing looks like.  Not for me.  I see what it looks like in some lives I am exposed to, near and far.

I told God that I didn't know what to do.

Then He reminded me of what I did when I was first in love with my husband.  We would sit on the couch and I would snuggle up against him with my head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat.

That's what Jesus wants me to do, just settle in with Him and listen to His heartbeat, and let the rest flow from there.  He's got it anyway.  It's His plans.  My life is His.  He is mine.  I am bought, redeemed, loved, His bride.  He loves me so much, so much that it hurts.

I think I am falling in love.
All over again.
With the greatest love of my life.
Jesus.

The bonus is, the more in love with Jesus I am, the more it spills out and over into the ones I love.  I love Jesus more, then I will be able to love my husband and family and friends more.  The more I will look like Jesus and less like me.

Oh, my friends, God is so good.  He is so faithful.  I may have more dark days coming.  I may have more challenges ahead.  I have some coming up in the next few weeks.  But my sweet Jesus is so much bigger, better and stronger than all of that.  He is still speaking if you know how to listen.

Just get real quiet with Him.  Snuggle up to Him and listen for His heartbeat.  It doesn't take long, and it doesn't have to be for long.  Just long enough for you to realize that His heartbeat is for you.

He loves you.
Love Him back with all of your heart!
It's worth falling in love all over again!

Time to Break Free...

Tomorrow is the day.

We are starting the "Breaking Free" bible study by Beth Moore at our church. In the end we are going to have a total of 9 ladies (counting myself) once one comes back from a vacation.

This year, I am leading the Thursday morning women's study. Last year another gal was, but she and her family have moved further north of here, and while they are still coming down to our church for Sundays, she has had to back out of other things to be close to home for her kids who are just starting school.

So, I realized that most of the summer was gone and no one else was stepping forward to lead.

I could have let it slide.
I could have let it go.

But all the gals who had done it last year really loved getting together.

I prayed about it some, and reasoned that I would be going to it if someone else led it, and because we'd probably do a Beth Moore study, and the teaching is all done by her, by video, that I could at least facilitate.

And as I thought about it, there were many that were running through my head.... I kept thinking of all the studies she has put out. I kept coming back to one. I couldn't get it out of my head.

I am pretty sure this is the one God hand picked for those of us going through the study. "Breaking Free: Making freedom in Christ a reality in life."

I don't know each of their stories, or where they are on their path with God. But for this moment in time, for this semester, God has caused all our paths to converge, to come together for this study.

I know where I am. I know the struggles I have had. I know the fears I have. The depression I have been battling.

I have been back in counseling. I have been going again, trying to get a handle on what is going on in my life, and in my emotions. I know that I have been walking in freedom, but now something is holding me back. There is something re-surfacing, that I need to work through for further healing.

I think this study is coming at a really good time for me, and for maybe all the others who will be involved.

I also know it will be a great challenge to lead, because of how the enemy attacks when we step into leadership. The old lies and insecurities resurface and the little voice inside starts whispering,

"Who do you think you are? You can't do this! You're nothing. There's no way you can even begin to pray for these people, much less anything else. You are nothing, you have nothing, and if they knew about your past...."

Will you please pray for me?

Will you please pray with me?
Will you pray that everyone who starts will complete the study to the end?
Will you pray for God's truth to penetrate hearts and minds, and that we would be willing to act on what He tells us?

Will you pray for me as I lead, and facilitate and pray for these precious women, these precious sisters in Christ.

Please pray too, that if there is anyone else who is meant to be in the study, they'd just show up. We have a couple of extra books that someone could take.

Pray that God's mighty Spirit would blow through us and change us, and through us, inspire and encourage others to change as well.

I am going to spend the rest of my night tucking in my kids, snuggling into bed and praying/journaling for the study tomorrow, and for my time with Tricia in my counseling session tomorrow afternoon.

May God bless you all!

300,000 "ones"

This weekend was the Live Simulcast by Beth Moore, talking about the topic of Insecurity.

She wrote a book called "So, Long Insecurity," and I read it prior to attending the Simulcast. I was wondering how much of the material would be directly from the book. True to how Beth Moore is, she allowed God to craft her message, and though it contained material from the book, it was fueled by her own journey to security.

One of the things that I really didn't realize was just how many women were tuning in through the satellite host sites.

Normal simulcasts through the Living Proof Live events average around 90,000 women (and a handful of men) :)

This simulcast represented 300,000 or more women, and again, some men.

300,000 women turned out for a talk about insecurity.

To learn how to be secure women in Christ.

300, 000!!!

God didn't see a nameless, identity-less mass of people. He saw individual women, each with their own hurts, desires, brokenness, joys, fears, excitement, anticipation, and hunger for more of Him.

And He spoke a word to each of us. Specifically meant for me. Specifically meant for you.

We were 300,000 "ones."

Beth said (paraphrasing here cause I didn't write it down) at one point that in her book, she said that we couldn't change our culture, but we could change ourselves. We can become women who are secure in Christ and influence our spheres of influence.

When she was in the actual simulcast, she was overwhelmed by the numbers, and essentially said that we had to imagine 300,000 women all over the U.S. and Canada in our churches. If each "one" of us makes the decision to change our thinking, our actions, and allow God to change our hearts and work on us, in our areas of insecurity, we will influence our churches.

Think about what 300,000 women can do spread all over this land!

What can we do and 300,000 "ones?"
Our Christian culture can change.
Really change.

We will stand out as exceptions.

We will stand out as the example of what it means to be secure.
No longer fear driven.
No longer reacting to situations and conversations.
No longer perceiving threats from other women.

Others say, "Everyone there did .......... except, well, her."
Or they say, "No one ................... oh, except her."

We can become the exception to the rule.
Other women will notice.

If I am bathed with Christ, if His light shines in this jar of clay, others will notice. If I am willing to follow Christ everywhere, even in areas I am uncomfortable, yet let Christ cloth me with His strength and dignity that no one can take away, that will be so different from the rest of the world, others will want what I have.

And I want to be that way.

I have found myself walking around since the simulcast, and really since I finished her book, with the phrases ringing in my head,

"I am clothed with strength and dignity. No one and no thing can take that away from me. God gave it to me. It is mine."

What if all of us who participated in the simulcast actually adopted those thought patterns? What if we started to speak the truth to ourselves? What if we started with the truth in our minds, and acted out the truth with our feet, until it really did grow in our hearts?

What would I look like?

What would you look like?

What would our churches look like?

Wouldn't it be amazing to see the generations around us starting to really let go of what the culture says will make us secure?! Oh to see my daughter learn to overcome insecurity! I know she will be confronted by it. But I also know that God can use me, and other secure women in her life to show her how to navigate through these waters until she is able to adopt and apply the phrase,

"I am clothed with strength and dignity."

Beth asked us if others are worth what it takes to walk in security in Christ.

I can answer that with a resounding yes!

My daughter is worth it, my son is worth it. My family is worth it. My friends, my church are worth it.

More than that....

I am realizing the motivation isn't others alone. The motivation for me to pursue security and drop off this old me, is the new me that I am putting on. I am worth it because God created me and loves me, and it is what He desires for me.

Others are worth the effort it takes to walk in security in Christ.

So am I.

Respite of a quiet moment...

Yesterday, I posted about how I was sick and tired... how our whole house was sick and tired.

I got a comment from L.L. Barkat "Flu. Ick. May you find respite in some quiet moment soon."

This morning it wasn't perfect. But I did get a bit of a respite.

The kids were tired, and sitting on the couch, watching their morning cartoons. I snuggled back up in bed (just around the corner from them, but out of sight) with my bible and a couple of bible studies I have been working on.

I have been behind in these studies this week. I have gotten behind in the daily homework. Since I was too sick to go to my Esther study this morning, I decided to take the time to try to get caught up.

I was able to do one day of homework in my other study, and then switched books. I just love Beth Moore! This is the first bible study of her's that I have been able to do... Esther. Oh! It is so good!

It was like settling down to a good conversation with a good friend. It felt familiar and comfortable, and yet challenged me to look into the Word and really dig into it. It felt so wonderful. Some people would think that the mental exercise would be exhausting...

... even that early in the morning.. it was the respite I needed.

It provided the energy to deal with sick kids.
It provided the stamina to take a shower... (yes, its taken me while to even feel like doing that)

It provided the desire in my heart to have more of a connection with my heavenly Father, all day, rather than just that little bit this morning. It gave me a taste of Him and invited Him into my day today.

The respite of a quiet moment.

It was a much needed moment, a much needed respite.

Thank You, Jesus, for the chance today to start the day off with you, even with sick and cranky kids, and a sick and cranky me. Keep us safe this day, and help me to do what I need to, and have the energy to do it. Help me to know when to rest, and when to play, and when to work. Heal me and heal my kids. Keep my husband healthy. Bless us all with more quiet moments of respite. Amen.

An important question...

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
And through the rivers,
they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire,
you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Isaiah 43:2-3a

This is the verse that I am going to hang my hat on for the next 2 weeks or so. It is my Scripture Memory Verse for October 15th.

I need to hang onto something.

The emotions are still up and down.
But I know that my God is worth hanging onto.
His truth, His Word is the light on my path.

He is my Savior.

He has led me through so much. He has brought me through the waters and the fire. He has brought me out of those things. No I wasn't consumed. The waters cleansed me. The fire purified me.

Again and again, God is going to use the painful things in our lives to stretch us and grow us.

This is probably another time such as that. I am working on a new schedule with my family. I am working out new responsibilities with a new job. I am working on trying to grow closer to God, to grow and mature in my relationship with Him.

However, I am realizing, as I am writing this, that I am making it all about me. My trying. Not God doing and me "being." As Cindy says, we are human "beings" not human "doings."

I am going to go have something little to eat, continue with the laundry, and in the middle of that, spend some time sitting in Jesus' lap.

Cindy asked me a question yesterday, that she was asked by her life coach, and she wanted me to think on it and answer it before we get together again for our life coaching.

The question.

What do you long for in your relationship with God?

It is one I am going to be working on and thinking about for a bit.

Anyone else want to share with me what your answer to that question it? I would love to hear. What better way to encourage each other in our walks, that to know, and to have others know what it is we long for in our relationship with God, and to hear each others' longings as well.

the end of a week, and the commissioning

I was sitting here tonight at the end of the night, ready to call it a day. I have looked around the house. Seen the mess resulting from the things I have done this week... and things I haven't done.

There have been late nights, little sleep, good intentions, some hard work, some accomplished, feeling that there is a lot more to accomplish (with not enough time). There have been good choices and bad ones. Some temptations withstood, some - well, not so much. There have been fights and anger to break up, tired kids to deal with, meals to think up... and many things that fell through the cracks.

Hopes for time away, to spend alone with God have fallen through as far as I can tell, and as far as I can plan on my own. But He knows better what I need, and where my attention and time would be best spent. So all I can do is grab what time I do have. Whether that is in the car driving somewhere, 10 minutes after I wake up, or the 10 minutes before bed, or the few moments I get alone in the bathroom, in the shower....

I know it isn't something likely to happen easily in the stage of life I am in; but what I wouldn't give to have a whole day... one whole day... to spend alone with God. No time constraints. No concerns about being home by a certain time, or guilt if I am gone too long. Somewhere I could sit and pray, sing and worship, or get flat on my face on the floor before God - sob and cry out to him as loud as I need to.

But God knows what I need. I keep saying that.
I have to.
Maybe that way I will get it drilled into my head and heart;
rather than resenting that I don't always get what I want.

I mean, for real...
I don't want to end up resenting the very gifts that God has given me. What does that say of me? What does that say of my relationship with my Father? What does that say of my trust in Jesus, or my faith in Him?

This growing and maturing thing really stinks sometimes. It's hard, it's painful, and "it's not fun in here" as a good friend of mine would say.

This stage of life I am maturing into is one of self sacrifice for others. Preferring others over self, and putting their needs and desires above my own wants. Trusting God to give what I need.

What is so hard about this is that I don't know where the line is between giving up "my stuff" to sacrifice for my family and still having an outlet and taking care of myself so that I will have something to give to my family.

Where is that line?

I suppose it is different for everyone, so I can't expect a pat answer. I just don't want to fall back into the old way of doing things where I completely forget about taking care of myself in the midst of being there for my family, doing everything I need to for them, and the extra things to help things run more smoothly (like looking for and getting a job, etc). I also don't want to seem (or be) unwilling to let go of "my" stuff, and place all my stuff and my wants and desires above my loved ones. I want them to know that they come first in my life... above all the things I could do, or other people I could be with, the activities and involvements.

I guess that was part of my dropping out of Wausau Lyric Choir. I felt like God was calling me to show my family that they are more important to me, and that I am willing to drop out of things that take away from the health of our family. That doesn't mean I won't go back (unless WLC has just been for this season, and God has something totally different for me).

I needed to show that I was willing to give up something I loved for someone else. I still have musical outlets and outside activities. It was a tearing up of roots though. It was painful. Still is.

God knows the desires of my heart, and the heart of my desires.
That's why I had to post the commissioning from the Living Proof Live Simulcast in Green Bay, WI. God keeps reminding me to delight myself in Him. He keeps reminding me that He delights in me.

So, for my sisters AND brothers who are reading this.... this is a reminder for me, and you to have faith in our Big God! Keep trusting. Keep doing the next right thing. Keep your eyes focused on Him. Even when it is scary and we can't see our next step, if we keep our eyes on Him, He will guide us through it all.

My Dear Sister (or brother!)

God has not overlooked you
He has not ignored you
He hears every petition
And intimately knows
The heart beneath it.

Give Him full access
To all your longings
Pray every single day
To become a person who delights in Him.

When it seems to disappear
Remember to check your JAW.

Are you jealous?
Are you angry?
Are you worried?

Roll it all on Jesus
He's strong enough to carry it
Big enough to handle it.

Trust God with all your heart.

Now leave this place
And go into the world
And do some GOOD.

Trust, dwell, enjoy, delight...

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:3-4

This was the bible verse I picked out as my scripture memory verse for September 1st. I have needed it.

School started on the first.
Awana starts for the kids on the 9th.
Next week starts my bible study.

We went to Milwaukee this past weekend for a "last blast" of fun with the kids. We got to enjoy some great weather. A trip to the Milwaukee zoo and to a beach along Lake Michigan rounded out the busy weekend. The kids had a blast and so did we, but I am still reeling from the busyness of it all.

Then as things seemed to start going wrong, yesterday I found myself back into old, bad habits. It never fails. I get going so well, I feel that there has been a break through somewhere in my life, or relationships, and then I fall so fast. Of course the enemy is right there to attack and try to cause us to stumble unless we are on the lookout. He wants to get in there and steal our joy.

I have been reminded today, from 2 sources to trust in the Lord, and to not lean on my own understanding.

Lo and behold, as I went back to my scripture verse, guess what? The very first line it says, Trust in the Lord and do good. Gee, you think God was on to something when He impressed on me to work on this verse?

I haven't done the greatest with this lately. I have worried and bothered about all sorts of things. My husband said that it was ok for me to do soem new things this year. He wants the kids to be in Awana.. which is great, but it is another thing to add it. I want to be in Wausau Lyric Choir, which I have been in since 2002. Dave said he was fine with that as long as I didn't complain when he picked up extra hours at work, if it interfered with some of my plans, etc.

I am adding in a bible study next week, in the mornings, which I can take Marina to, while Peter is in school. I am so looking forward to that......

Oh, and did I mention that I have applied for a job at our church and interviews will probably be starting at the end of the month?!

Hmmm. So I look at my schedule, and I start to worry.

Trust in the Lord.

This time of busyness, the time of my son being in school, things that I am doing, the ramped up activities, while none are bad, stress me out. But these things, and the house that I want to take care of, and my husband, whom I don't ever want to push to the background, is the land in which I live. I need to dwell in the land.

That means to me that I have to really settle down here and not wish for another time, or a way around the difficulties. I can enjoy this as safe pasture. God is with me here. It is safe. It is where He has placed me and He wants me to enjoy it.

Then I need to delight myself in the Lord. To really delight, to throw my head back and laugh for the sheer joy of His presence.

When was the last time we did that?

Trusting in Him
Doing good
Dwelling
Enjoying
Delighting

These are the things that we should be doing. These are the things we should be pointing our souls to. These are the things that will give us peace and the joy that we truly long for.

It isn't easy. My temperament tends towards the melancholy. I tend to get too introspective and miss the joy around me. I tend to forget what it is to so delight in God that the very desires of my heart match up with His.

He will give me the desires of my heart. I need to ask and pray and trust Him. He only wants to give good things to His children. Even if I pray and I don't see any results, He is there, He listens, He cares and He delights over us.

I just need to be patient and wait.

That's the hardest part isn't it?

In the wait, He asks us to do these things...

Trust
Dwell
Enjoy
Delight

Are those words part of your vocabulary?
They are starting to become mine.

More so as I memorize this scripture and really meditate on it.

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:3-4

She Speaks Interrupted... but He's speaking...

Ok, this has to be short, because I am so stinking tired...
(of course that could make this longer cause I will ramble... but I will try to restrain myself)

God has done some amazing things this week. He has used Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" in a powerful way in my life. Through it He has spoken to me that I really need to draw a line in the sand. Earlier this week was horrible. Then God used Wednesday as my draw a line in the sand day.

I chose to walk forward from that day, with the determination to honor God in all I do. Whether or not my life circumstances change (I am still a wife and mom of 2 small kids...) how I HANDLE them can be totally different. I only have gotten through the 3rd chapter, but it has already affected my life in a powerful way.

I have shared in the past months that I have felt that God has started to give me dreams back. I have been thrilled to see dreams coming back into my life. It has been amazing. I never thought I could dare to dream again.

Well, as much as I have said that, it's still very scary.

I have followed the Living Proof Ministries blog for quite a while. I saw that Beth Moore was going to be in Green Bay for a Living Proof Live event yesterday and today. I really wanted to go. But after She Speaks, I figured that it wouldn't happen.

I mean, 2 events in one month? I knew we couldn't afford it.

Wednesday morning I felt prompted to just express to God the desire of my heart.

I really and I mean REALLY wanted to go to see her. Live. In Green Bay.
So, I asked God that if He wanted me to be there, that He would make it happen, because I really wanted to go.

I never even asked my husband about it or told him. Until. Wednesday. Night.

Guess what he said?

Yup.

Go for it. If I could get a ticket, go.

I was blown away. As I lay in bed that night, nearly levitating in my excitement.... I prayed about it, praised God, and knew that I had to ask someone to go with me.

My dear friend Cindy was the first person I called in the morning. She knew Beth when she (Cindy) lived in Houston. Like, her kids grew up with Beth's kids... I knew Cindy would want to go. And as it was only one night away, I figured that she would be able to do it.

She just about died when I called her and asked if I could get her a free ticket, would she want to go. She said YES, and then just about cried, cause she had a meeting this morning at church. There was no way she could get out of it.

Talk about being bummed out!!!!

I called LPM and got (amazingly, after 24+ hours of the offer being up on their blog) one of the free tickets for Green Bay.

I called and got a hotel room.

I called another friend, and told her about it and as we talked, my brain finally kicked in and I asked her to come. She called and SHE got a free ticket too.

I packed and hardly slept Thursday night. Visited Cindy in the morning and shared some of the growth things that God was doing. Then Sandy met me and off we went.


I don't know if I can describe just how cool the weekend was. Those of you who were there in Green Bay, or there via the simulcast know how high energy the worship it, how anointed the message was, and just how God used all of those to work on your hearts and lives.

He did the very same with me.

Sandy and I were able to get there early enough that we were able to get on the main floor, very close to the stage, close enough to be able to see her without looking at the huge screens. Sandy had never heard Beth speak. Had never done one of her studies (neither have I, though we are doing Esther together this fall). And Sandy hadn't been to a big event like this in years and years.

Needless to say God spoke to me, using a dynamite woman, who had devoted her life to Him, to glorifying Him, and to speaking His truth to other women around the world.

The theme for the weekend....

"The heart of your desires"

She used Psalm 37.

Yes.... God giving us the desired of our hearts. After He told me to tell Him the desire of my heart to even get there.

The BIGGEST thing that He did this weekend...
the HUGE thing...

God revealed to me how much He had healed me, and imparted dreams to me... given me dreams to dare to dream. And how He had opened up my heart to start to have desires again. I had, for so long, hidden my desires, so that I wouldn't get them crushed, taken away, or have them denied.

God has opened my heart up so much this past year or two.
Just talking with Cindy on Friday before Sandy and I left helped show me even more the progress I have made.

But God also revealed to me that (and this is word for word what I wrote down right before the sessions started this morning)

I am afraid that the desires of my heart are not in God's will - that they are driven by the flesh.
I have been afraid to dream and have desires for things.

As Beth talked more, it crystallized even more.

I fear having dreams for something more, something bigger, beyond just today. I am afraid to commit myself, all of myself to them, because what if they fall through again? I mean, I had dreams before, and when they fell apart, I was crushed and so I shut down. As I have gotten closer to dreaming again, and desiring things, Godly things, I have gotten scared. I guess of being hurt.

So, I haven't committed myself fully to the dreams and desires that God has given me recently. I have held back some.

Beth got to a part of the talk this morning, right before a half hour break... which could be used as prayer or re-dedication, or whatever we needed.... to talk about our need to commit.

We are to delight in the Lord, and to make room for delight we have to commit.
-walk away from indecision
-am I in or am I out?
-we are to commit our way to the Lord

I went up and prayed with an encourager, and then went to a spot up near the very front, that they reserved as an alter area, where you could come and kneel and pray and do your business with God, without anyone bothering you if you wanted.

I fell to my knees.
Sobbing.
Knowing God was asking me to let go.
I was afraid to.

But I was more afraid of what would happen in me if I walked away from this event without letting go. Without doing my business with Him. Right there. Right then.

I finally was able to pray, out loud (though it was so noisy in there, especially as the worship team came back out, no one heard me) and surrender.

As I started to pray there, Travis Cottrell and the team started to sing the song "Mighty to Save." Yeah.
You know the part...
"Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save...."

When they were done with the verse and went to the above words from the chorus.... well, that's when I knew He could take all my fears. He could take all my dreams and desires and He would take them, mold them, and make them His, and enable me to do what He wanted me to do.

I will end this post with what I wrote in my journal as a record of my decision.

"I commit my fears of pursuing the dreams and desires You plant in my heart to You - You are not a God who gives fear, but power, love and a sound mind. I choose to follow You, Jesus. Wholeheartedly - waiting, learning, growing - daring to dream the dreams You give me."

I am not going to follow Him, and hold part of myself back from Him anymore.

God, help me to see the times when I am holding myself back from you. Times when fear has a stranglehold on me. Continue to free me and heal me. Continue to give me the desires of my heart, and what is under my desires... what my heart's desires are. I will delight in You, Lord, and commit my way to You. Thank You for showing me that You delight in me.... I love You, Lord. I give You my heart, have Your way in me. Amen

* One of my favorite quotes I think... Delight is "a venti joy with an extra shot!" *

Another type of preparation...

Yesterday was the day for picking our new scripture memory for our Siesta Scripture Memory with Beth Moore.

I couldn't think of anything yesterday that would work. So I prayed some about it and let it be for the night.

I woke up this morning and realized I still had to come up with something. I wasn't sure what it was going to be. As I prayed, as I did my bible study, for the Siesta Summer Bible Study, I still wasn't sure, but I felt like God was leading me to remember that I am in a battle. I am at a spot right now where the spiritual preparation is necessary. The only way I am going to fully arm myself is to remember the scripture I have been memorizing and remember that the battle is on!

My friend Cindy gave me the advice to pray on the armor of God every day. I found a prayer that is rather long, but I typed it out of a book I had been reading. It is a declaration, a spiritual warfare prayer. I got interrupted a few times by my daughter, but I prayed my way through it this morning. You know what? The burden and heaviness that I felt yesterday and agitation I felt this morning lifted.

My load was lighter. My heart is calm. My spirit is joyful.

My day hasn't turned out exactly as I had planned, or exactly as I had wanted. But I have been able to spend some longer times in prayer, and in the Word. I only have my daughter with me, so when she is content to play on her own, with me either in the room or the next room, I have been able to come here to my computer, or settle in the kitchen at the table, in my "God spot."

As I have, God just brought the spiritual armor passage (in Ephesians 6) to mind as I was thinking about some other scripture to arm myself with, when I am faced by temptation.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."
Ephesians 6:10-11

That's my scripture memory for the next 15 days preceding She Speaks. I think my next one is already picked out as well. I will switch to that on the Saturday of that conference.

Verse 12 is:
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I think these verses fit, don't you as I head into (and all the women going or facilitating) the conference.

I will not only be memorizing the first 2, and switching to the next one, but also, I will be praying these verses for myself and everyone else attending. For, oh do we need to be reminded that we are engaged in a battle, even if we don't "see" it with our physical eyes.

May God open all our eyes to see what He is doing in our lives, and what the enemy would seek to destroy. May we be aware of the spiritual battle taking place around us and let us not just sit back passively and let it happen to us. But instead, may we take up the armor and the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. May we actively take captive our every thought, recognize oppression when it is there, and take care of ourselves in a healthy way, so we are prepared to hear God's voice speaking to us.

Refuge, strength, and scripture memory...

I have been struggling for several days to come up with a scripture verse for the scripture memory challenge that Beth Moore is hosting.

Usually, I can sit down the day before, or the day it is due. I pray and ask God to show me the right verse. Usually, after a bit of prayer, and spending some time in the Word, and using a bible program to do some word or phrase searches for me I can come up with something pretty quickly.

Nope.

Not this week.
It just wasn't happening.

Last time, I was looking for something that talked about having and undivided heart or mind. That single-minded approach to God, to following Him. I found that in Psalm 86:11-13. It reminded me of the things He has done for me, and also the things that I need to keep doing... praising His name, and seeking to walk in His will... His truth.

This time, I started looking for something that would spin off of the last verse. I wanted something more to talk about an undivided mind or heart. I wanted something that I thought would speak to me in the next week + but that wasn't God's plan.

I have been searching the last couple of days.

Finally today I emailed Cindy and asked her to shoot my way any scripture references about God's comfort or provision. She sent several my way. Not one of them fit with my heart. I just wasn't satisfied. I still felt unsettled. However, something in one of the verses she sent me started me on another search.

This time I looked up "refuge." I have felt the need for comfort, for the reminder that God is my refuge and strength. I have needed the reminder of His peace.

I am still fighting some in my heart a resistance to fully surrender some areas of my life to Him. I need something to encourage me to do so... to really trust Him.

These were the verses I found.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Selah."

Psalm 62:5-8

Is there anything more perfect than that?
Not for me.
At least, not this time around!

It is a reminder for me that He is my fortress, my refuge, my safety, my "safe place." It reminds me to trust in Him, because He hears my heart. He hears my cries. He knows them before I even cry them out, and He still is safe to go to.

It also reminds me of something I am learning I need more and more. These verses remind me to remind myself that I need rest. Rest in Jesus. Nothing else in this world is going to give me the rest that my very soul craves and longs for. Nothing I turn to will give me relief.

Jesus is the answer.
Jesus is the only way to true peace and joy.
Jesus is the only true "safe place" for our hearts.
Jesus is the one my salvation and honor depends upon.

Nothing else will do.
No one else will do.

He is it.

Now if only, along with the memorization, my heart can really take hold of the meaning of these words.

I pray God that Your word will take hold of me... and change me and rock me to my very core.

Soothing reminders...

I love this verse that Beth Moore shared with us on her post today.

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."
Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation

I went to visit Cindy at church today, where she works. I got there over 20 minutes early, and as I knew she was giving up time out of her work day for me, I decided to spend the time sitting on the hill near our lower parking lot. That way I would give her time to get some things done before we started talking.

I sat on the sweet smelling grass. The sun was hot on my back. The sound of song birds was in the air. The wind was a gentle breeze blowing on my face, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

I was able to sit there and settle myself in God's presence. I felt like He spoke right to me, where I was at, right then and there.

As I rested there, I was reminded by Him that He is there with me. He created me to perfectly feel the sun and the breeze. He created that sun and breeze to warm and cool me. He created the gold finches flying overhead, singing sweetly to me.

He created that moment specifically for me.

For me to remember in times of doubt. Or in times of fear. Or in times of loneliness. Or in times where I feel disengaged. Or in times of extreme stress and worry.

His touch is soothing indeed, and it makes me happy. It made me happy right then and there.

Then as Cindy and I talked and spent some time tackling some more difficult questions, and processing through them, at one point, God reminded me of sitting outside.

He reminded me, yes I may feel very lonely at times. I may feel very stressed and wanting to disengage from everything. I may find that I am more of an introvert than I thought. I may find there are things about my personality, and habits that are re-occurring and difficult to overcome.

But He still makes the sun to warm my back, and the breeze to cool my face. He still does those things because He loves me. He wants to remind me that He is with me. He wants to remind me that He will never let me go.

He wants to remind me that His love is loyal. His love is unfailing. His love will always be there, no matter what my feelings are, or if I feel I deserve that love or not. (I never will, but He gives it anyway)

He picks me up, and dusts me off when I fall down. He supports me and keeps me from slipping. He sets my feet upon a firm place. He helps me get going in the right direction again.

But He does all of this with a gentle hand. Not harsh or hard or impatient. Not with an angry hand or countenance.

Gentleness.
Soothing.
Healing.

And when I think that I should be on the receiving end of harshness from Him... He surprises me again... (and why should I be surprised when He never changes in how He deals with me?)

His love overwhelms and in that overwhelming... oh how my worries are soothed away.

Then I am happy.
But deeper than that.
I am filled with joy.

New Scripture Memory...

I am planning on posting on my book study later today, or tonight. But right now, I just wanted to share about my scripture memory, and how God seems to be continuing a theme.

From the very beginning of the year as I started memorizing scripture, God has been drawing my heart to different scripture passages, following a theme.

I started with Romans 12:1-2, being transformed by the renewing of my mind, which is what the scripture memory is all about, renewing my mind, by filling it with God's Word.

Then as I started to deal with anxiety, and quite a lot of it, since I had finished counseling recently, I found Philippians 4:4-7, where God talks about not being anxious about anything, but presenting our requests to Him, and His peace would guard my heart and mind. Then in 1 Peter 5:6-8, I was encouraged again to cast my anxieties on Him, because He cares for me... and had a warning to be alert because the enemy is looking around for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:9-11 continued the exhortation to stand firm in my faith... because after a little while of suffering God will restore me and make me strong, firm and steadfast.

So, though the sufferings may be intense, I should not throw away my confidence but I need to persevere, so I will receive what He has promised. Hebrews 10:35-36; 39 reminded me of that, and that I am not one of those who shrinks back, but of those who believe and are saved.

Then as I needed to be reminded of the love of God, I looked towards Romans 8, where it talks about nothing being able to separate us from the love of God, but instead, I found myself in 1 John 3:1-2. There it talked about how great the love the Father lavished on me, because I am called a child of God... with the promise of being like Him when we see Him as He is. As another reminder of being a child of God, I was back in Romans 8:15-18. There it dealt with my fear, and also being a child of God. Not only have I not received the spirit of bondage again to fear, but I have been given the spirit of adoption, and am His child, and an heir of God. And it also brought up again the sufferings in this world, but this time reminding me that they are nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed.

Then last week, as I met with Cindy, somehow these verses came up in our conversation. "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:17-18. This again speaks into the spirit we have received, not of bondage but because it is the Lord's Spirit I have been given, I have freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from the past. I am being transformed into His likeness, because I am reflecting the Lord's glory and I am hiding His word in my heart, and being transformed by the renewing of my mind.

See, God has led me on a journey through all these verses. It is so good to pull out my scripture memory notebook and see how God has molded all these verses together, to lead me through each and every situation I have been in. Each scripture verse has spoken to me in the couple of weeks that I have been memorizing them. Then each one has linked to the next one to keep reminding me of the truths that I know. I know them, but they just need to sink deeper into my heart.

Now, whenever I am attacked by the enemy, I have the ammunition and the scripture right at hand to stand firm. I know the truth, and I can use it to reassure myself of my identity in Christ, and to remind me of who I am to be reflecting in my life.

I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind. My freedom in Christ is being reinforced by the scripture Jesus is leading me to.

My God has shown again and again that He is answering the scripture that I made my prayer for this year.

"Oh Lord be gracious to me, I long for you. Be my strength every morning, my salvation in time of distress." Isaiah 33:2

He has increased the longing in my heart for Him. He has given me strength, and He has saved me in my distress. He indeed is gracious!

Have you seen any ways that God has drawn themes through your life recently? Has God shown you, or led you through scripture in ways that have really spoken to you? Will you share that encouragement with me?

May God bless you,

crying out...

The most recent scripture verses I am memorizing for the scripture memory challenge.... well lets just say that I picked a challenging one to try to get memorized.

"For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear but you received the spirit of adoption by whom we cry out 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, so that we may also be glorified together. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."
Romans 8:15-18

The verse that really prompted me to memorize this was vs. 18, the last sentence above.

How do I wrap my mind around the statement that Paul makes, that the sufferings that are part of our life right now really can't be compared with what is coming... the glory that will be revealed in us?

I can see that some now with some of the things I have gone through in the past. I am starting to see how God is using them for my good and His glory. I can see that God is using those things to show Himself powerful in my weaknesses.

It is the present things that I am having trouble with. The present circumstances I find myself against. That granite rock that I can't move or get through on my own. I was going to say the present things I am against don't cause suffering, but I think they do. A different kind than what I have gone through in ways.

Confusion, lack of clarity in what God wants me to do. Choices that seem mutually exclusive. I can't do one thing and still do the other. I can't submit in obedience in one area, in a God honoring way, and still do what I feel God is calling me to do... and it is so much more complicated than I am stating here. (maybe see this short post for more clarity)

I guess I have to pray through this chunk of scripture as I memorize it. I am going to pray that God will root it more deeply into my life and heart, so that it really becomes part of my belief system. That I can really say those words from the heart.

It is so easy to be pulled back into the bondage of fear. I have been set free from that. God has delivered me. I am adopted by Him and am His child. He is my Daddy God, my Father that is always with me no matter how I feel. He has lavished His love upon me and called me His child and that is what I am!

The part of that first verse that I experienced last night was the Spirit of adoption "by whom we cry out 'Abba, Father.'

I had the experience in our small group of crying out.

Ok, so I was literally crying :) But I mean more than that.

Someone very close to me seems to be disconnecting from God, and all those around them. They seem to be backing away from the church... (read that, the body of Christ, not the specific church they go to). Even me, with whom they used to be much more deeply connected and we could talk. Really talk, and not just about surface things... that type of connection has been limited.

My heart is aching. For them, for those around them who used to be closer and don't know why there is this distance. This dear person is in a very stressful job, and that can be having its effect. But the drift away from God has been happening for a while... much longer ago than when the stress of this job started.

Oh how I want to see them come back to that deep love of Christ that I thought used to be there. Maybe I was mistaken, but I don't think so.

Many things in the past few years have put stress on them and their relationship with God. I am sure there has been questioning there. There has been on my part too. But in my questioning, I have waited (sometimes not so patiently) for the answers. I don't know if they ever felt that they received answers.

Last night in small group, I shared my concerns about this person, and requesting prayer for them.

As we moved to prayer, I think we all felt and experienced the sweet fellowship of the Spirit, and connection with God. I started to pray for this person, literally crying, but also crying out to my Daddy God for healing for this person.

For restoration.

Of faith.
Of love.
Of hope.
Of a soft and willing heart.

For renewal and revival.

I know that it is going to be a rough ride for this person. I don't know what it will take for God to get them to come to the end of themselves. I acknowledged that to God. And then I paused. Could I ask it?

It was extremely hard for me to express it, but I did.

I begged God to do whatever it takes to bring them to their knees in front of Him. I essentially "gave God permission" if that makes sense to work in their life in a radical way. I loosed God on them, and bound the enemy from interfering.

My heart aches and cries out for them.
My heart quakes and trembles at what it might take.

What it might take to get them to experience the sweet freedom in Christ they are meant to know.

Oh to see this dear one be able to truly worship God, yearn for Him, yearn for His word, for fellowship with His body!

To see them come alive in God's presence!

Not to stand stiff with arms crossed and stony faced during worship. Distracted and putting time in during the sermon. Fleeing from the building as soon as the service is dismissed.

To see them realize the Spirit of adoption they have received, and fight with all their might the spirit that wants to hold them in bondage to fear... to keep them ineffective and unhappy and stuck.

This dear one was never demonstrative. A private person. But I know the difference of who they are now to where they were 8-9 years ago. No matter what they may say, they are changed.

I love them so much. Not more than God does. He wants them to come back to Him even more than I do.

Please pray with me.

Oh Daddy God, please, please draw them back to you. Bring your child home. Woo your child back to you, to your heart. Bring them the healing they need so desperately. That they don't even realize they need. Do what it takes. Anything and everything. As painful as it might be. Anything it takes, God to bring them to their knees in surrender to you, to acknowledge that all their knowledge and strength are not enough to do what only you can do. It could be a wild ride, Lord, but I am ready to take it if that's what is necessary. Use me if you need to... but please reach them and free them from the bondage and strongholds that blind them to you. Bring your light and life to them in a powerful, life changing way, as only you can. Amen.