A new place...

A new place.

That’s where I am now. 

In a new place.  I never expected this on Wednesday as I sat down to review my “Believing God” study in preparation for leading it the next day.

Two weeks ago, God took me to a new place in my believing Him.  He prompted me to surrender to Him completely.  I made the decision to walk by faith no matter what He called me to do, no matter what happened to me in the future.  I was going to trust Him with everything.

After two weeks of walking that way and seeing what it felt like to be in such peace, God asked me again to do something. 

It was more of a subtle realization as I was writing a prayer in my journal.

We were given a prompt to thank God for His sovereignty and sufficiency.

As I was writing, I reflected on what sufficiency meant to me.  To me, I always have thought of sufficient being "just enough to fill the need."  However, with God I always think of it meaning, "more than enough to fill the need."  Filling it and then overflowing the cup into the saucer and all over the table.  That kind of sufficiency.

It reminded me of the song, “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.

 As I thought of the song, I was in turn reminded of a time the song played a significant role in my life.

When I was in the hospital the second time in 6 months or so, in 2008, I remember not being able to read the bible, or even pray.  All I could do was cry.  As I went to bed that first night, I cried myself to sleep. 

In the morning, I had a little time after breakfast, then was expected to go back to the common room for some group time and other things.

I remember sitting on my bed, with the door closed (the only way they would allow us to close our doors is if we were changing).  I started at the closet overwhelmed at even the idea of pulling out any clothes to change into.  As I sat there, crying again, I remember the words of this song running through my head.  I don’t even remember hearing or singing the song before

All of You is more than enough for all of me

For every thirst and every need

You satisfy me with Your love

And all I have in You is more than enough.

I couldn't get it out of my head.  A day or so later, I was discharged.  Later that week I was at worship team practice, and guess what song we were singing that week?  Yup.  You guessed it...

So, now back full circle.

Enough.

Sufficient.

God used this train of though and connection of memories to bring me to thinking about the depression I have been struggling with.

Up to this point I have been very resistant to the idea that I would have to struggle with depression all my life.  I kept asking God to heal me from it, to take it away, to at least let me get off the medications I’m on.

Every time someone talked to me about this possibly being my thorn in the flesh, I would calmly tell them, “I know, this may be mine.” Just to get them to stop talking about it.

Inside, to be honest, I felt extremely angry.  I hated the thought that this was a thorn in the flesh for me – whether it was to show Christ’s strength in my weakness or not – the idea that I had to keep this, and that God wasn’t going to remove it infuriated me.  I got stuck on the "thorn in my flesh" part of the passage and never moved beyond that to see the part about Gods power being made perfect in weakness. (see 2 Cor. 12:8-10)

When I heard someone say something to me about this being my “thorn in the flesh” I would clamp down on my reactions.  I had to.  I didn’t want to take off someone’s head when they really were well meaning and only trying to encourage me.  But I could hardly stand it.

The specific question for the journal prompt Wednesday was, “How have I seen God powerfully reveal His supremacy and sufficiency to me personally?”

I reflected back to all the times in the past 3 years that God has held me up, been more than enough, filled me and empowered me.   He has carried me through all the times of despair and depression, joy and pain and peace.  He has carried me in His hands and painstakingly put me together a piece at a time.

I know He will always be working to free me and restore me.  Sometimes pieces will get put together and I won’t even be aware of it right away.

Wednesday, that is exactly what happened. 

God brought me to a point of suddenly being able to see with the eyes of my heart how He has been with me through this all.

I have agonized so long, wanting to be free of depression.  Free from needing to take medications.  I was to the point of messing with my meds, sometimes taking them, sometimes not, because I didn’t want to be on them anymore. 

I asked God why He hasn’t freed me from depression… or at least from the meds.  He has for others. 

But then I realized.

Maybe He has used my struggle with depression to get me to the point of all these different surrenders.  (Yeah, I know – duh – it takes me a while sometimes)

He opened my heart to see that He wanted me to take another step beyond the surrender two weeks ago.  He wanted me to commit to believe Him and have an active, moving forward faith and trust in Him, then wait and see what He was going to do.

Now He wanted me to surrender even more fully.

Surrender more.

Trust more.

With a faith deeper than before.

So I said it.

He used depression to get me here.

So I responded to the prompt I felt in my spirit from Him.  Obeyed Him.

I prayed.

“Ok, Lord.  I will believe You and trust You, even if I am never healed from depression, even if I always have to take medications.”

Two weeks ago the ground work was laid for this decision of my will, spoken aloud, written down to be remembered

Now what?

Now, I am learning to stand on newly healed legs.  Legs that used to be crippled, that never had been used.  Like the crippled man, who in faith stood when Peter and John told him to stand.  Who held onto them and jumped around for joy in the temple to the astonishment of all.  Healed because of his faith, one who had been crippled from birth.

Newly healed legs.  Strengthened ankles.  Feet solidly placed on the Rock.

He set my feet upon the Rock that is Him, and I am leaning against Him.  Resting.  Looking.  Learning what it feels like to actually stand on these healed legs.

Just waiting. 

And in the waiting, doing the things He has placed before me. 

Being a wife and mother.

Doing my administrative job.

Assisting on the Communications Team.

Leading worship on a Worship Team.

And, learning to really listen for my God, my Lord, my Jesus…. And be at peace.

This is truly a new place for me.

And I am overwhelmed….

Decision made

Well, I made my decision.

After how hard yesterday was, I went to bed.  I was freezing cold by the time I got there and it took a long time for me to warm up, but I finally did and fell asleep.

Until.

3:15am.

I woke up out of a dead sleep, drenched with sweat and with my heart racing.  I don't remember what the dream was that woke me up, I know there was something there as I fought to wake up, but am grateful not to remember it.

I had to get up and completely change clothes and sit for a bit to calm down.

I had at least 2 more panic attacks at work today, and finally after talking with a good friend on the phone, and then my friend from last night in person, they both urged me to do the same thing.  They suggested I make a call to my counselor's office and leave a message for her to call me back when she could. 

Within the hour, she called back and I told her about yesterday, the memories and their vividness and pain, and the panic attacks, and the dream last night.  When she had heard it all and found that I wasn't scheduled to see her until nearly 2 weeks from now, she started looking for another appointment for me.  There were two next week, but as we talked she had a cancellation for 3pm tomorrow.

So I am off to see Tricia tomorrow afternoon. 

I am frustrated because I feel like I am disappointing people.  I am also afraid I am blowing things out of proportion and am making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am afraid it's all nothing, and afraid that it is something.  Hmm.  Seems like fear is ruling here... and in reality, perfect love drives out fear.... Boy God, do I need to cling to Your love right now!!!!

Please pray for me tomorrow, that my anxiety and fear won't kick in so bad that I am paralyzed as I try to talk to Tricia.  Pray also for my son.  He wasn't feeling good tonight, and if he stays home sick from school tomorrow, it is going to complicate things to say the least!  I am just praying for health for Peter and that this night's sleep will work a miracle for him, because he was running a fever when he went to bed.

Pray for peace for me, and just the ability to trust God through yet another thing I have to work through. 

So, yesterday I didn't know what to do about calling Tricia and trying to get another appointment, and today, because of how I was reacting to things and what my condition was, the decision was almost made for me. 

I guess it becomes one less thing to worry about and stress about cause it is now out of my hands.  Praying for a more restful night than last night, and for a day with a bit of peace somewhere in the middle of it, time with God before I have to go to my appointment.

a challenge and Psalm 143

God is still faithful.

God is still good.

I am writing these words as much for myself as a reminder, as for you who are reading.

Last night I went to bed late, worrying and praying for a friend who is really struggling and hurting.

This morning I woke up just before my alarm. As I went to bed so late, I was planning on hitting the snooze until it was time to get my son up for school. But, I was awake. So I dragged this weary body out of bed and curled up under some blankets on the couch. I didn't even have the energy to make coffee. I took my bible with me, but was so tired, and so low in my spirit, I didn't even think I could open it, much less read it.

But I did open it.

I did read.

I opened to the Psalms because those always bring comfort when I feel like this.

Yesterday morning I wrote how I could feel the depression sneaking back in, and this morning, it was there. Not full force, but with my extreme tiredness, it felt worse than yesterday.

My bible opened to Psalm 143.

The whole psalm is wonderful. It spoke directly to where I am at right now. I couldn't have found better words than those already written in this psalm.

You see, yesterday I found myself challenged. I was challenged in an area that I feel God has been speaking to me about for a while now. He decided now was the time. He spoke to me through a friend. He gave me the courage to speak out about what it was. She was the first person to whom I have given voice to these words, this deep concern. I was scared. I was embarrassed. I have been feeling ashamed and running from the problem.

My friend challenged me in another "letting go" and agreed to hold me accountable, be my encourager and to walk with me through this area.

All my life, hiding from my emotions and thoughts and at times God too, have been my specialty. Through the past few years, as God has done major healing, I have learned to embrace my emotions more. Not that it's easy. Many times I have been overwhelmed by them, and chosen instead to run from them and not face them. Tuck them down way inside and not pay attention or let them run their course.

Once I talked to my friend, Cindy, it gave me the courage to agree to the challenge that she gave me.

Once I agree to something, and make a verbal commitment, Cindy knows that I will follow through. It's that part of me that is so responsible, I can't let something go.

So this morning, I felt (and still feel) that the enemy has circled around me and is causing situations to work out that will make me feel more isolated from friends, from God, and it's only deepening the cloud of depression. Things that are going to make it even harder to keep up with this "letting go."

Here is Psalm 143;

O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy;

In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

Do not bring your servant into judgement,

for no one living is righteous before you.

The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

I remember the days of long ago;

I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.

I spread out my hands to you;

my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah.

Answer my quickly, O Lord;

my spirit fails.

do not hide your face from me or I will be like those

who go down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,

for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,

for your are my God;

may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;

destroy all my foes,

for I am your servant.

I read this sitting and watching the sunrise.... meditating on the lines of "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."

God gave me this psalm for this time, to remember that God hears my cries. He sees my struggles, the battle I am in for yet more freedom. I just have to trust Him with all of me.

I am struggling to remember that He just wants me to trust Him. Even when the enemy is raging at me, all God wants is for me to trust Him.

Let this cup pass me by....

Well here is my update.

Yup.

I was right. I'm back on the anti-depressant.

Not so sure how I feel about that yet. Still struggling with it I guess. Sort of in shock. Sort of numb.

I feel kind of like I failed, came up short, didn't really give it all I had to give.

I've felt that way many times in my life - like I just come up short of really giving it everything I have, not quite totally spending myself in something - always leaving something in reserve, rather than leaving it all out on the field.

I guess I kind of feel that way now.

Whether it's the truth or not.... I don't really know, honestly.

Maybe those few of you who have been reading my infrequent posts the past few months or so might be able to tell me, or give me a more accurate picture of myself.

I called in my prescription and will pick it up on my way home from work.

I am so done in. I am ready to call it quits... but I have about 3 tons of laundry to do.... and I work yet today and tomorrow. Too much to do, and no time to do it in.

All I really want to do is curl up and pull the covers over my head till it all goes away, or leaves me alone, which ever comes first and lasts the longest.

Not much chance of either, really, is there?

I hope God uses this medication to make me more functional again. I feel like I am faking it most days, when all I want to do is curl up in a little ball somewhere and cry (when I'm at work, I want to get under my desk where no one can see me.... at home, it's my bed....)

At least I haven't gone down as deep as I once did. I was at a whole different level of hurt then. I had a lot of past stuff to deal with. God has healed me from a lot.

When I doubt it, or doubt that it was God, I go back into my old posts and start reading.

So I know I am starting at a different place now. My feet have been on much more solid ground... more truth under my feet than there was before.... I am basing less of me on lies - and the sinking sand, so my footing is that much more secure.

But I still feel like I have fallen pretty hard.

One of the pastors that I work with encouraged me today to not give up, and to keep on pressing in towards God, to keep reminding myself of what the truth is.

I know he is right. When I am thinking clearly, or have more energy, I do that - I am able to refocus my mind, even a little and it becomes easier.

But when I am tired, when my brain is fuzzy, it doesn't seem to help to have that encouragement. I just feel even more dumb and tired and silly for even having these thoughts and feelings... which is totally NOT the result anyone has for encouraging me!

However, I do need the reminders to dwell on the truth.

I need the TRUTH like I thirst for water.

I need JESUS more than ever.

I am so thankful that He knew what it was to despair, to be depressed, and yet to still trust His Father and have a close relationship with Him, even when He was begging for the cup to be taken from Him.

Because I think that is what I have been doing. Begging God to take the cup away from me...... but I haven't been like Jesus in saying, "not my will but Your's be done."

I'm not there right now.

I have been there in the past as I have seen how God has used my experiences to help others, either through this blog or in personal, private conversations.

But again, right now, I am begging God to let this cup pass me by.

It seems I have to drink of it again.

It's very hard to swallow.

Again.

Doctors and decisions - prayer too...

I am going to be seeing my doctor about 2 hours from now.

It's a normal appointment that I have about every 3-4 months now. It's a basic med check appointment to see how I am doing.

How am I doing?

I know I am going to have to answer that question from him.

I'm not even sure that I can answer that here - right now - much less at his office.

I have my good and bad days, just like anyone else.
My ups and downs.

I just feel like I am getting slammed - pounded - as Cindy said to me earlier this afternoon.

I have a day or two where the days seem almost normal. Then the anxiety builds and with it depression. Then I get in a string of days like that.

Days I have no energy.
Days I have no strength.
Days I just want to cry.
Days I don't want to get out of bed.
Days I can't manage to keep my thoughts straight.
Days I struggle to pray.

I still spend time with God, I still read His Word to me. I still journal my prayers and thoughts the best I can. I seek the prayers and counsel of a few close friends. And eventually I get a few hours here or there of relief, and finally maybe a day or two.

Then the cycle starts over.

I have to try to share this with my psychiatrist, and share some of the thoughts I have had from time to time.

I know that there are many stressors going on right now that can be helping in putting me over the edge.

Just seeing a close friend's husband dying of cancer and walking through it all with her would be enough, and there are other things as well!

I know some of you may not get this in time to pray for me during my specific appointment time, but please do pray. I could really use it.

I need wisdom to sort between lies and truth, and the ability to communicate clearly and honestly with my doctor. Depending on what he thinks, this appointment may result in my starting up with anti-depressants again.

I honestly don't know what to think about that. Part of me thinks its not necessary, that I am blowing things out of proportion, and another part of me doesn't.

Thanks so much,
On the road... walking with Jesus,
Heather

300,000 "ones"

This weekend was the Live Simulcast by Beth Moore, talking about the topic of Insecurity.

She wrote a book called "So, Long Insecurity," and I read it prior to attending the Simulcast. I was wondering how much of the material would be directly from the book. True to how Beth Moore is, she allowed God to craft her message, and though it contained material from the book, it was fueled by her own journey to security.

One of the things that I really didn't realize was just how many women were tuning in through the satellite host sites.

Normal simulcasts through the Living Proof Live events average around 90,000 women (and a handful of men) :)

This simulcast represented 300,000 or more women, and again, some men.

300,000 women turned out for a talk about insecurity.

To learn how to be secure women in Christ.

300, 000!!!

God didn't see a nameless, identity-less mass of people. He saw individual women, each with their own hurts, desires, brokenness, joys, fears, excitement, anticipation, and hunger for more of Him.

And He spoke a word to each of us. Specifically meant for me. Specifically meant for you.

We were 300,000 "ones."

Beth said (paraphrasing here cause I didn't write it down) at one point that in her book, she said that we couldn't change our culture, but we could change ourselves. We can become women who are secure in Christ and influence our spheres of influence.

When she was in the actual simulcast, she was overwhelmed by the numbers, and essentially said that we had to imagine 300,000 women all over the U.S. and Canada in our churches. If each "one" of us makes the decision to change our thinking, our actions, and allow God to change our hearts and work on us, in our areas of insecurity, we will influence our churches.

Think about what 300,000 women can do spread all over this land!

What can we do and 300,000 "ones?"
Our Christian culture can change.
Really change.

We will stand out as exceptions.

We will stand out as the example of what it means to be secure.
No longer fear driven.
No longer reacting to situations and conversations.
No longer perceiving threats from other women.

Others say, "Everyone there did .......... except, well, her."
Or they say, "No one ................... oh, except her."

We can become the exception to the rule.
Other women will notice.

If I am bathed with Christ, if His light shines in this jar of clay, others will notice. If I am willing to follow Christ everywhere, even in areas I am uncomfortable, yet let Christ cloth me with His strength and dignity that no one can take away, that will be so different from the rest of the world, others will want what I have.

And I want to be that way.

I have found myself walking around since the simulcast, and really since I finished her book, with the phrases ringing in my head,

"I am clothed with strength and dignity. No one and no thing can take that away from me. God gave it to me. It is mine."

What if all of us who participated in the simulcast actually adopted those thought patterns? What if we started to speak the truth to ourselves? What if we started with the truth in our minds, and acted out the truth with our feet, until it really did grow in our hearts?

What would I look like?

What would you look like?

What would our churches look like?

Wouldn't it be amazing to see the generations around us starting to really let go of what the culture says will make us secure?! Oh to see my daughter learn to overcome insecurity! I know she will be confronted by it. But I also know that God can use me, and other secure women in her life to show her how to navigate through these waters until she is able to adopt and apply the phrase,

"I am clothed with strength and dignity."

Beth asked us if others are worth what it takes to walk in security in Christ.

I can answer that with a resounding yes!

My daughter is worth it, my son is worth it. My family is worth it. My friends, my church are worth it.

More than that....

I am realizing the motivation isn't others alone. The motivation for me to pursue security and drop off this old me, is the new me that I am putting on. I am worth it because God created me and loves me, and it is what He desires for me.

Others are worth the effort it takes to walk in security in Christ.

So am I.

Psalm 103, God at work.

I started my last post with the beginning of Psalm 103... Let me continue the verses here.... because the previous verses kind of left us hanging in the middle of a sentence.

Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits -
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

There are so many things that are going on in my life. It's much more than being busy... though I am that, plus some.

God is speaking into my heart and life in various ways. One way is through the Daniel bible study by Beth Moore.

Another way is by reading through her book, "So Long, Insecurity."

He has been prompting my mind to reflect and think on some of the healing that He's taken me through. I haven't done a lot of journaling about it, and there are so many things rolling through my head, I have hesitated in writing here, because of how likely I am to get off on a tangent.

I will try to catch those in my proofing so that each tangent becomes it's own post! :)

I also have had a hard time writing when my emotions have taken over and I have been so down lately. It has taken too much effort to write. Then when my emotions shut down, there was no motivation to write, because I couldn't share my heart. I couldn't even access it.

Today, as I looked at my memory verses (which are Psalm 103:1-2) I continued reading down the next 3 verses. They really can't go without mentioning.

The beginning of the psalm is a call to praise God... to remember His benefits. Looking up "benefits" in the Strong's Concordance, this is the first definition

H1576
gemûl
(ghem-ool')
From H1580; treatment, that is, an act (of good or ill); by implication service or requital: - + as hast served, benefit, desert, deserving, that which he hath given, recompense, reward.

This helped me a bit to understand the word benefit... that it is something that we have been given or rewarded with. But the root word that it is from (H1580) sheds even more light on it.

H1580
gâmal
(gaw-mal')
A primitive root; to treat a person (well or ill), that is, benefit or requite; by implication (of toil) to ripen, that is, (specifically) to wean: - bestow on, deal bountifully, do (good), recompense, requite, reward, ripen, + serve, wean, yield.

That made even more sense to me. God has bestowed something on us. He has dealt with us bountifully, and has done good to us, He has treated us richly.

It's not something I have deserved, but He has benefited me greatly. Because He loves me, He has lavished that love on me, shown me that love in so many ways.

It does my heart good to think on those things. To meditate on those ways he has dealt so bountifully with me.

Read verses 3-5 over again. Go ahead, scroll back up. I'll wait...

...

There, you back? :)

Look at these short lists, taken right from Psalm 103:3-5. Let them sink into your heart and soul and mind the way they are starting to in mine.

Forgive.
Heal.
Redeem.
Crown.
Satisfy.
Renew.

He forgives all sins.
He heals all diseases (anything that makes you sick, body, mind, heart, soul)
He redeems lives.
He crowns with love and compassion.
He satisfies desires.
He renews youth.

He forgives all your sins.
He heals all your diseases.
He redeems your life.
He crowns you with love and compassion.
He satisfies your desires.
He renews your youth.

God does all this for you. He does all this for me.

I think the enemy was working overtime in my life the past month or so, to hit all my triggers for depression. All my triggers got hit... depression and fear of going down under it again, fears of rejection, fears of failure, worldly guilt from the past, including condemning thoughts that were dredged back up.

All my hang ups came back to the surface. Right now things are getting better. My perspective is being changed, by God, and now I am slowly joining in the effort. I am starting to be able to think clearly enough to refocus my thoughts when they get "off."

God is working in me. I can hear His voice more clearly. I can see His face again. I can feel myself sitting in His lap again.

It has taken me being mindful of what He is doing in my life, and seeing His faithfulness in the past.

I am being "forced" to look at things that are triggering my insecurities and fears.

I think the enemy was using my past struggles and fears, and current ones too, as well as the world and my flesh kicking in, to stop me from what God would have me do.

I think God wants me to examine myself, my life right now, in light of His Truth. Jesus wants me to see myself as I am seen by God through His blood.

I know the truth of who I am in Him. I know that I am holy and clean and consecrated in His sight. My perception of who I am is off, just a little bit and not as bad as it used to be. But it completely affects how I act, what I say, and how I feel about myself.

I feel like God is working on me and in me to have His truth more deeply invade my life, thoughts, beliefs, and ingrained patterns. Then my thoughts and feelings (which I was really drowning in, if you couldn't tell, which is why I disconnected I think) will start to line up with the Truth. I will start to operate out of His Truth, because His Truth will become a deeply set part of my life.

It's not that I don't believe the truth, but now it has to come to a new place. A deeper level.

So that my trust in God and love of Jesus will be deeper and fuller than they are now. So that I more closely follow the promptings of the Spirit.

I want Him to be my all in all.
I want to be able to refocus my thoughts and remember all His benefits when my heart wanders and I feel lost and alone.

Because I am not lost and alone.

I am His and He is mine.

So are you.

picked up pieces...

So, my cup was overturned, empty and scattered before the retreat. But God picked up the pieces and held me together.

I made it through the retreat. It was an amazing success, that had nothing to do with me or the team or the speaker, and absolutely everything to do with God.

Friends, Jesus showed up there! There were people prayed over. There were people who's eyes were opened, and hopefully healing that was started as well that weekend.

You know, looking back on it now, I can see that God started dealing with and healing brokenness in my life, too. I just didn't see it that way till just this second.

Friday night I had to fight off anxiety and depression. Through mis-communication, I got there late with all the sound equipment, etc. After finally getting set up, I had time to "throw together" the prayer room. Thankfully God provided a perfect place.

Just as I got it done our speaker got there.
As we had been communicating throughout the past couple of weeks, usually via email, she knew I was dealing with depression.

Once she was settled and came back up to the main level, she pulled me aside and asked how I was doing, and wouldn't take "fine" for an answer. :)

We settled into the night, and got through the ice breaker, worship set and speaking portion. After wards, we had had snacks and people sat and chatted (while I, the fire bug, lit a fire in the huge fireplace) pulled out games, and generally had a lot of fun.

When I went to bed, things were still going strong and I wanted to stay up, but knew I needed to sleep if I was going to be of any use the next day in facilitating things.

I forced myself to sleep, before the depression overcame me and I cried myself to sleep.

In the morning, I forced myself awake, and went out to the commons area. I bundled up, went out and stood on the deck in the still dark morning. It was beautiful and quiet and perfect, but my eyes weren't seeing it then. I couldn't see anything through the storm of tears I was trying to hold back. I grabbed wood for the fire, came back in, and started up the fire place again for the day.

I couldn't settle in and read, or pray or journal, so I finally got up and started to putter in the kitchen till it was time to start breakfast.

During breakfast I got to sit with our speaker. The whole table of us gals talked and shared, but eventually she and I got into a private conversation. Much was shared there, but her listening and sharing got me to the point of breaking down my guard. I finally shared how poorly I was doing that morning.

Folks, I didn't even want to lead worship that morning. I wanted to go back to bed. I tried to hide the depth of it, but I know she saw it. I also know she prayed for me, though not face to face right there.

I did manage to lead, and kept going through the morning - even singing special music - going to the prayer room to pick up requests and pray for them.

I broke down in the kitchen before lunch, when the others of our team were out and everyone was elsewhere.

Not just cried.
The dam burst.

The noise of the fans and stuff in the kitchen disguised the gut wrenching sobs, that threatened to bring me to my knees right there.

It really was God who pulled me back together.
I couldn't calm myself on my own.

But once I did, it was all I could do to keep from detaching completely, in self protection. Old coping patterns die hard, is all I have to say about that.

Surprisingly (or not) God got me in on a conversation where I could help speak into a dear sister's heart and life, during our lunch time.

I was drained when I came home, but God gave me the heart and energy to pour into that same sister who needed more of Him that night.

I got up Sunday morning for church, raced in and unloaded the sound equipment, then ran upstairs to run our warm up for worship team. As I waited later for the church service to start, a new friend came over to talk and see how I was doing, because she knew I had been in a very bad place in our small group the Thursday before the retreat.

I couldn't even look at her. And I couldn't stop shaking. She pressed some tissue into my hand before she left me at the start of the service.

Our opening was fine.
The sermon was great.
Except it had me in tears. Surprise. surprise.

Then I had to get back up and sing. It was all I could do in my own strength to hold myself together, and it wasn't working. I begged God to keep me from falling over up there. It was only 3 songs. By the last song, I had to hang onto the outside edge of the pulpit to keep myself steady on my feet. I haven't been that shaky in a long time.

Then I had to pray to close the set.

Ok, I didn't "have to" other than feeling the Spirit prompting me.
Sigh.
You really can't ignore Him.
Sigh.

So I prayed and started to break down again. I barely finished the prayer audibly, and seated everyone, then fled the sanctuary to pull myself together, in time to come back in and cry through all of communion.

It was something about remember Christ's body, broken for me, topping off a weekend about brokenness, OF brokenness that did me in!

Gee. God knows how to do that too, doesn't He?

Somehow, though my cup was empty and overturned, and truly broken - when I needed to minister in worship and service - He filled me and used me, this broken cup - over the whole weekend.

After church, I got home, curled up in bed, and cried myself to sleep, like I had been wanting too all weekend.

It didn't feel nearly as good as I had thought.
It didn't really help either.

When I got to work in the morning though, God impressed on me that I needed to tell my two pastors in our staff meeting what was going on with me. When I did, at the end of the meeting they prayed for me, and though I worked through the full day, God was merciful and it was an easy day.

Late Monday night (a week ago now) I got an email from my friend Pete and his wife Donna, in response to my email to them. I ended up being able to get together with them mid-day on Tuesday. My pastor, the only other person at the church that day with me, agreed that I had to go, and caught the phone calls for me while I was gone for about 3 1/2 hours.

It was hard, but I was able to share where I was at, and only because God really broke through to me over the weekend. He broke through the self imposed isolation I had been in... even when I didn't realize till later that's where I was.

No one really knew where I was at or how I was doing, and God put a stop to that.

My friends helped me pin down some lies I have been believing. Ones that are familiar to me, and others that are new, that slipped in under the radar in the last stressful month or two.

As Pete said, I never really had the chance to process through them like I normally do. I identified them right at the get go, but got so busy and stressed that I forgot all about them... as the enemy would want it.

When they commented that they didn't want to see me go down the road I had been down 2+ years ago, I said that I didn't want to either. That I wasn't there, yet.

I think they could have done without the "yet" in that sentence. (I could have too, but needed to be honest that it felt like a very slippery slope)

I was scared at how low I had fallen into the pit of depression, hopelessness, despair.

But oh, our God is so good!

I got a full hour, at least, the next morning at work. In the quiet with no phone calls.
I was able to sit in the library by a fire (see a pattern here?!) and pray, renounce lies, announce and claim the truth, and generally spend a good deal of time in prayer and in the Word.

Though the depression didn't lift fully that day, in the succeeding days (especially as I look back from where I am now) it did lift a bit at a time.

I had a weekend away with my family, which I was not looking forward to at the beginning of last week. But now I have recovered more from the stress. I have reconnected with my family. I feel a bit more like me.

It is still way too easy for me to be overwhelmed. I am still having trouble prioritizing things. I am still struggling with depression (though not as thick and dark as before, and much more recognizable), and some major lies that are wanting to creep in there. It's one of those things, just as I feel like I am having some success on one front, the enemy is trying to outflank me, and come in the back door.

But today I had some good solid time (though shorter than I wanted) with God. It got me off on the right foot.

Please continue to pray for me as I seek to make healthy choices for my soul, and healthy choices for my body. There is a lot of opposition there right now. Like I said, the enemy is trying to use a back door to trigger more bad coping patterns and other stuff.

There will be more about that in coming days as I find more time to write, now that I am feeling a bit better.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Thank God for how He used this weekend and my dear family of friends here to break me down! He broke my pride. He broke through my thick walls of isolation, where literally I was broken to pieces, and He is putting me together, yet again.

Choices. Decisions.

Choices.

It seems it is all about choices we make.

Who do we choose?
What do we choose to do?

Decisions.

There are so many decisions that seem so necessary.

How are we going to handle that?
What is going to be our next move, response, word?


Right now, I am faced with choices and decisions.

I am trying to figure out what is this depression that I find myself struggling with on more than a once a week basis.

Is it seasonal?
Is it hormonal?
Is it chemical?
Is it a stronghold or lie?

If it is any or all of the above, what am I going to do about it?

As stress is building up in my job right now, the depression is something that I really need to keep tabs on.

I remember when I first started seeing my psychiatrist over 2 years ago, he asked me to stop rating my depression on a scale of 1-10. He wanted me to stop focusing on that totally. He wanted me to start focusing on how many "joy" moments I had during the day.

He said we would know when the depression was lifting, and the medication was working for me, when I was at the point where I had the "number" or "level" of joy moments in my daily life that I wanted.

I stopped keeping track, because it was hard to keep a "chart" and because it got to the point where, though things were tough, and there were some days I really had to look for the joy moments to keep going... most of the time, I really had quite a few.

Right now, the stress of my job could be the thing that's taking such a toll on me emotionally. I just am in a stretch of really stressful weeks. By the end of this weekend, I will be done with one part.

But then, I will be preparing for a women's retreat that I am part of the planning committee... and that comes at the beginning of February.

So, part of the depression could be a reaction to the stress I am under.

But I find that I am having to look hard for, and remind myself of, the "joy moments" more and more.

It keeps coming down to choices and decisions I am having to make.

Am I going to try to fit in more things to my already crushed schedule?
Am I going to make healthy choices in the amount and quality of food and sleep I am getting?
Am I going to do the easiest thing, even if it isn't the best thing?
Am I going to try to fight the lies and strongholds, even when I am exhausted?

Will I choose to do what God is calling me to do, or am I going to succumb and knuckle under and give up in defeat.... when the victory is already mine in Christ?

I think we all face these choices. Yearly, monthly, weekly, daily... hourly.....

We face choices.
We make decisions.

We can't "not" make choices and decisions. By not making a choice or decision, we are letting someone else decide for us, and by default we are choosing something.

I don't want to make a decision, by not making a decision about what to do.

I see my psychiatrist in about 2 weeks. I can ask him then what his recommendation would be. I have been doing really pretty well up until about the last month or so. But who knows, maybe my body is still adjusting to not being on an anti-depressant. I don't know. He can only guess.

I guess all of this is to say, we are all facing our own choices, decisions and struggles. Mine is depression, and how to handle it in a safe way.

I know some of my warning signs.

I know too that God is working on me in some areas as I wrote about previously... and further just through this past Sunday at church.

I also know that the enemy knows my weaknesses. He would love to prevent me from being able to minister encouragement to others this weekend during our church celebration. He would love to keep me from being able to serve and minister at the women's retreat. He would love to stress me out, hype me up, and get me to worry myself into panic attacks.

Please pray for me, because I KNOW that God has make me for more than this. I am the apple of His eye and so are you.

Pray that you and I would stand up and make the right choices and decisions... beginning with one declaration.

"Get behind me Satan."

And moving forward from there. Towards God. Towards peace. Into the loving arms of our Savior, safe and sound. The best decision we could ever make.

Advent of Trust #20; Listen the first time

Today we sat up at the very front of church. It's something that my son insists on. He wants to be near the very front, because his AWANA leader sits in the front, and he wants to sit right behind her.

So there we were in the second row, when my 3 3/4 yr. old daughter, Marina, decided to cop an attitude with me. I don't remember what it was about. I just know that during the sermon, she started pouting and loudly telling me "no" about something. Right in front of Pastor Kim.

Yeah.

That didn't go over so well with me.

I made sure she understood that if she didn't quite down we were out of there. She made more noise, and I moved her to the aisle, picked her up and made my way to the back of the church.

She started to put up a fight, kicking her legs (imagine me holding her facing away from me, sitting as if my arms were a seat... then her arching her back and kicking at the same time....)

Then she realized that everyone in the church could see her.
Everyone.

Because. we. were. in. the. front.

She stopped fighting me and I started hearing her stifling her cries.

By the time we were near the back row, she had clapped both hands over her mouth to keep her crying "inside."

As soon as we got out the doors of the sanctuary, she stopped stifling the cries, and let loose.... all the way back to the library.

There we had some privacy for some discipline. A short talk, then we walked back into the sanctuary. Marina was much better the rest of the service.

Aren't we like my daughter sometimes?

We know what we are supposed to do, we have freedom within certain limits. But we push our limits, and are reminded to stay within them or there will be consequences. Sometimes we listen. Other times, well, not so much.

When we don't listen, God has to take us, and discipline us. Sometimes we look for sympathy from others... sometimes we know and dread what's coming, and stifle our cries till we can't any longer.

But when we finally submit, surrender and seek forgiveness, how quickly the relationship is restored!

I wish I would learn to "listen the first time" as I tell my children. If I only listened the first time to my Father, I would be so much better off. I can't tell you how much grief I would have been spared, had I only listened the first time.

I am resolving to try to listen the first time to God. Even when I don't want to, or would rather drag my feet. As I have read, and tried to instill in my kids, "Slow obey is no obey." Resisting doing what God says, or telling Him that I will do it later is not obeying Him.

It's just like my daughter. She might have finally obeyed me this morning, without my having to take her out of the service. What would she have learned? It was OK to do what mommy wanted you to do, in your OWN timing, not mommy's.

Overall lesson learned? If someone wants you to do something, you can take your time at doing it... as long as it finally gets done, after lots of asking and pleading and threats.

That wouldn't apply very well to her relationship with God.

And it doesn't work very well in my relationship with God either.

Let's just say that if I had listened to God a month ago about something, I would have saved myself a month of stuffing, anxiety, fear, frustration and overall stress.

It boils back down to something I have been finding over and over again this month.
TRUST.
Trust in God.

If I fully trust Him, if He has proven Himself trustworthy (and He has) then I need to settle in for the ride and trust Him.

No matter what He tells me to do.

Just as it hurts my heart when my kids don't trust something I say, or trust me enough to do something I want them to that's out of their comfort zone, how much more does it hurt our Father's heart when I don't trust Him?

I don't want to do that any more.

Let's work together.

Let's "listen the first time."

Advent of Trust #4; My Abba Father...

So I will catch up with my Advent posts to that I am actually doing a post on the right day and end up with 25. But today wasn't the day.

I spend the day with my dear friend who is recovering from surgery.

I fed her my homemade chicken noodle soup. And some ice cream.

We were able to talk (way more than I thought we would, I was sure I would get a lot of writing and reading done today....)

And we were able to laugh.

She still is in pain, and still has a long recovery road ahead of her. But this was the most she has moved around, talked and been awake since last week Sunday.

For that, I am SO grateful!
Thank you, Jesus.

My contribution to my Advent of Trust posts for today:
A poem that I wrote as part of a creative exercise in my bible study devotional today.

My Abba Father

You rescued me from despair;
You healed me when I was beyond repair.
You are my shield and my defender.
To you my soul I will surrender.

Your strong love restores, forever stands;
My heart is safe within your hands.
Faithful Redeemer, powerful and just;
In you I will put all of my trust.

Heather Kudla (12-05-09)

A decision, a choice of surrender and of trust.

Advent of Trust #2.... Leaning not on my own understanding

Another day, another day to trust.

After a long day at work, and a couple of meetings, phone calls and the like, I had more than enough opportunities to trust God.

"Trust in the Lord will all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

I have some opportunities to trust someone to take the lead in something. I have some opportunities to trust God to organize our women's retreat. I have some opportunities to trust God to heal a dear friend.

When I trust Him, I have to let go. Let go of the reins. Let go of control. Let go of the worry and anxiety.

God is in control.

Why can't I get that through my head?

To finally surrender and trust Him in all areas is extremely hard for me. I am plagued with worry and anxiety much of the time.

I fear that I won't measure up, either in others eyes, or in Gods (that's a whole other issue, because in myself I don't measure up, but in Christ I do....) But you get what I mean.

This has just been a long week, and my heart hurts for a friend. I know she is in pain, she is on a slow recovery process from surgery. I just keep praying for her and thinking about her all the time.

She is not only my dear friend, she is my sister in so many ways. She also is like a mentor to me. I go to her for advice so many times. There are so many things right now that I could use her advice on.

But because we haven't even been able to talk, and I know that she isn't up to talking... I have to rely on someone else.

I suppose the last couple of days, I have been leaning on my own understanding.

There is no one to talk to who can help "fix" what I perceive as my problems.

I have to trust in the Lord.
With. All. My. Heart.

As I have expressed, this is very hard for me. Maybe God is allowing me to the place of exhaustion to show me how much I have been trying to do on my own.

I have been doing fine in taking on the things I have... but if this exhaustion I am feeling today it God's way of showing me that some of these things aren't for me, then I suppose I have to trust him. My problem is trying to figure out if my reservations in certain areas is because it isn't a right decision, or if it is my own desire to "control" things.

I don't know.

So... its trusting in the Lord with all of my heart... and not leaning on my own reasoning of the situation. That's my job for today, I guess. All my understanding is worth nothing in the sight of God who can see everything and work everything together for good.

How are you going to trust Him today? Is there a specific area?


PS I will be posting a bit later today, as well, to "catch up" so that I am up to date and can keep up with all my posts for this month! :)

No longer paralyzed....

I did it.

I took the plunge.

I am wavering on the edge no longer.

I made the decision, and then notified the people in the "need to know."
Now I can share here.

I have been in Wausau Lyric Choir the past 7 years. It has been an incredible experience for me. They sing sacred music, and are dedicated to making beautiful music together, that truly honors and glorifies God. The music we made together, the friendships I made there, the way God has spoken to me through the music, have sustained me, upheld me through some very difficult seasons in my life. (see this post as to how God used a song the Pilgrim's Hymn to help me and encouraging me)

I have been more than blessed to be a part of this incredible group.

I am extremely sad to be leaving.

I know that God has something for me, better than I could ever imagine.

But I am really crying and mourning the end of this season in my life. I hope to be back next fall, singing again... God willing.

But for now, I am thinking of the music we made together, and the wonderful feeling of the music and harmonies nearly transporting my heart and soul to the rafters of the church and beyond, last spring.

The joy of being able to sing to my Creator "Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Be all else but naught to me, save that thou art. Be though my best thought in the day and the night. Both waking and sleeping, thy Presence my light."

To finally stop focusing on me, and the struggles of the past years and allow God to do a major healing, in that concert alone, it was nothing short of a miracle. He opened me up to start daring to dream even more about what He could do with my abilities to write, speak and sing.

I don't know what that is yet, but maybe that is the reason behind having to get out of choir now. I need to make some room for what God has planned for me.