hope...

Yesterday was an extremely hard day.  I didn't know how hard it was going to be as I was driving in to work.

I wish I could have taken a picture of all the trees, bushes, and even weeds and grass that stuck out from under the snow.  They were covered with frost.  Every last one of them, all over them... just white and perfect as could be.

I marveled at it all the way to work, and just from that felt God speaking the word "hope" to me.  I didn't know why, but there it was. 

I had been working on a "no send" letter to this man in my past who abused me and caused me a lot of pain.  Tricia had asked me if I would write it last week at our appointment, and I almost said no to her.  I told her I didn't think I could... but by the end of the appointment, I finally agreed that I would try.

Tricia said that one of the things I should try to do is identify the anger.  Because there is anger there, but I just don't know where it is or how to get at it.  That's why she wanted me to write - because it was a healthy and safe outlet for my anger.

So I had been working on the letter on Monday, on and off as I did other work around the office.  I got to a point where it was past my normal work hours and I just sat in one of the offices, in a recliner that was in there and continued to write.  I had to stop by 6pm because I had to go and pick up my kids.

Once they were in bed that night, I sat in my bed with my computer and continued to write the letter.  It was so hard.  I found myself remembering things that I hadn't before, images were coming into my head that I was so disgusted at.  I have been feeling so dirty and ashamed.

Yesterday, I had some time at work again, because I was the only one in the office and I was waiting for some newsletter articles to be emailed to me.  I worked on the letter on and off, needing to take breaks and work on other things in the meantime, to walk away from the stress the letter was putting on me.

At about 2:30, one of my friends called me before an appointment to see how I was doing.  As I shared what I was going through as I was trying to write it, it was all I could do to keep from having a panic attack.  She could tell there was a lot of panic there, and talked with me a bit until I calmed down some.  She then asked me if the words kept flowing as I was writing.  I told her they were.  But I just wanted to stop.  It was too hard, and too ugly, and to disgusting to me.  I was nearly sick to my stomach and hadn't been able to eat anything cause it made me nauseous every time I thought about food.

She said that I knew myself better than she did, so to take what she suggested with that in mind, but she strongly suggested that I keep on writing and get it all out, purged out of my system.  She said that she would pray for me before she went in to her appointment and then that she would stop by when she was done.

In the meantime, after collapsing on the couch in the office I was working in, in tears and exhaustion, I sat back down at my computer and reluctantly started to type again.

The next time I looked up was through tears as I saw my friend walking into the building out of the corner of my eye.  When she came through the door of the office, I saved my file and closed the computer and nearly dropped it on the floor next to me.

She asked how far I had gotten and I said that I was at page 8 or 9, I don't remember now.  Then she asked how I was doing. 

I just shuddered at first.
Then I was able to start expressing how I was feeling.

I feel dirty.  Used.  Worthless.  Afraid to look anyone in the eye for fear that they will be able to read me like an open book, that they will be able to see the dirtiness that is so apparent to me.  I feel like I am covered in such filth, inside and out, and there is no getting clean.

Those feelings are still there, which is why I put them in the present tense.  Now they aren't as strong, and the feelings are more controllable.  At least today so far.

We talked some more, and she encouraged me, out of her own experiences, the way I have in the past for her.  She cried with me, knowing first hand the pain I was going through.  She encouraged me to try to find something, anything to eat.  Anything that sounded good.  To take care of myself and be gentle with myself.

Prefacing what she had to say again with the idea that I know myself better than she does, she encouraged me to stay here at the church where it was quiet and I was alone, where I felt safe, and keep on writing, as much as I could.

She prayed with me, for me, then got up and gave me a big hug.  We stood in the office facing each other and I couldn't look her in the eyes.  I tried to pull myself together a little bit, and she said to me that I was going to get through this, and that God had made me a strong woman.  I started to cry again and said that I didn't feel like it, and she said she knew, that's why she said it.

As she left she told me that she would keep on praying for me... and to call her later if I needed to.

I sat back down, cried and continued to write until some people started coming in to do some work in the building, and then I packed up and went home to get the kids and finish out my night with them.  Once they were in bed, I managed to eat a couple of eggs and some toast.  It sat very heavy, but at least it was something.

Then, reluctantly I sat back down on my bed, with my laptop and opened up the letter once again.

When I finally finished writing, I was only 400 short of 10,000 words... and came in at about 15 pages.  The exhaustion I felt was total.  I ached, my eyes burned from staring at the computer screen so long and from crying.  My head hurt and my stomach rolled... and I had run out of words finally... and many emotions had poured themselves out through those words.

I saved the letter to my hard drive, and closed up the computer.  Without moving from my bed, though it was almost 11pm, I called my friend.  She got on the phone, knowing it was me, and I just said... "I finished it."

She was so glad for me, though I couldn't be.  I still am not... though there is a bit of relief that I haven't had to open up that document today at all.

We talked a bit, I cried some more, and she just let there be long silences in the conversation as I needed it.  I was shaking and cold and sweating all at the same time.

Before we got off the phone she reminded me to treat myself gently the rest of this week, because I needed to take care of myself.  She said whether that was a bubble bath, sleeping in late, eating whatever sounded good to me, trying to get to bed early, making sure I took my meds so I didn't flip out more because of that.... whatever it took.

She also predicted that if I put on some quiet worship music, that I would probably be asleep in 15 minutes or so, because of how drained, how tapped out I was.

She was sure right about that!

I slept, and don't remember too much about my dreams, though I know I had some, and I was very restless.

Today I got into work and sat in the sanctuary.  I just sat there and cried and talked to God and cried some more.  I tried to just rest in His arms, in His love.

I finally managed to pull myself together because the secretary was coming into the building and started my day.  I worked piece by piece on the things that God laid before me for the day.  They were simple things, and things I could control, unlike my emotions or my stomach.

At some point in the day, my friend dropped off her son at church to work on a youth project, and she stopped to see me in the office before she left.  We talked for a while, and she told me that she could tell I was doing better.  I think she is right.  I feel more stable now than I was yesterday.  I had attainable goals today (including finishing and printing the newsletter - that just finished printing behind me as I type) and I was able to keep focused on those for the most part.

My emotions are still all over, and I need to spend some time with God, another way to be gentle with myself, and nurture myself a little bit.  Because right now, being close to God is scary to me, because though I know He sees everything that's going on, when I get closer, well... He sees everything that's going on.

(I know... I know)

Before I go though, I have to share what happened just before I started writing again yesterday afternoon.  I looked across the room, out the window and realized that sitting on the window ledge was a little plaque... it was just the carved out letters.... "hope"

I grabbed my cell phone and took a picture of it and got it as the background on my phone.  That way, every time I look at my phone, there it is... to remind me that there is always hope... even when I don't see it.

I would upload it here for you, but for the life of me, I don't know how to do that yet from my phone (it's new) so maybe I can add it later.

There is still hope.
Even though I remembered a bit more this morning that I have to write.

There is still hope.
Even though I am going to have to read this letter to Tricia on Monday at my appointment with her.

There is still hope.
God has healed me before, from some horrible things.  He can heal this too.

Please keep on praying for me as I continue to process this stuff.  The kids are still off of school, and I will be needing to care for them and be functional for them the next 4 days.  Pray that I won't go crazy, though I feel like I already am.

I am now off to take some time to remind myself that there is still hope - and then go and lead worship practice tonight yet before I go home.

a challenge and Psalm 143

God is still faithful.

God is still good.

I am writing these words as much for myself as a reminder, as for you who are reading.

Last night I went to bed late, worrying and praying for a friend who is really struggling and hurting.

This morning I woke up just before my alarm. As I went to bed so late, I was planning on hitting the snooze until it was time to get my son up for school. But, I was awake. So I dragged this weary body out of bed and curled up under some blankets on the couch. I didn't even have the energy to make coffee. I took my bible with me, but was so tired, and so low in my spirit, I didn't even think I could open it, much less read it.

But I did open it.

I did read.

I opened to the Psalms because those always bring comfort when I feel like this.

Yesterday morning I wrote how I could feel the depression sneaking back in, and this morning, it was there. Not full force, but with my extreme tiredness, it felt worse than yesterday.

My bible opened to Psalm 143.

The whole psalm is wonderful. It spoke directly to where I am at right now. I couldn't have found better words than those already written in this psalm.

You see, yesterday I found myself challenged. I was challenged in an area that I feel God has been speaking to me about for a while now. He decided now was the time. He spoke to me through a friend. He gave me the courage to speak out about what it was. She was the first person to whom I have given voice to these words, this deep concern. I was scared. I was embarrassed. I have been feeling ashamed and running from the problem.

My friend challenged me in another "letting go" and agreed to hold me accountable, be my encourager and to walk with me through this area.

All my life, hiding from my emotions and thoughts and at times God too, have been my specialty. Through the past few years, as God has done major healing, I have learned to embrace my emotions more. Not that it's easy. Many times I have been overwhelmed by them, and chosen instead to run from them and not face them. Tuck them down way inside and not pay attention or let them run their course.

Once I talked to my friend, Cindy, it gave me the courage to agree to the challenge that she gave me.

Once I agree to something, and make a verbal commitment, Cindy knows that I will follow through. It's that part of me that is so responsible, I can't let something go.

So this morning, I felt (and still feel) that the enemy has circled around me and is causing situations to work out that will make me feel more isolated from friends, from God, and it's only deepening the cloud of depression. Things that are going to make it even harder to keep up with this "letting go."

Here is Psalm 143;

O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy;

In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

Do not bring your servant into judgement,

for no one living is righteous before you.

The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

I remember the days of long ago;

I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.

I spread out my hands to you;

my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah.

Answer my quickly, O Lord;

my spirit fails.

do not hide your face from me or I will be like those

who go down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,

for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,

for your are my God;

may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;

destroy all my foes,

for I am your servant.

I read this sitting and watching the sunrise.... meditating on the lines of "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."

God gave me this psalm for this time, to remember that God hears my cries. He sees my struggles, the battle I am in for yet more freedom. I just have to trust Him with all of me.

I am struggling to remember that He just wants me to trust Him. Even when the enemy is raging at me, all God wants is for me to trust Him.

anger, shame and guilt

I don't know how to share what I want to - or even if I want to.

I am so mad, so angry at myself.

Yesterday, I thought it was at God.

Last night the guilt and shame kicked in, and I realized the anger was all directed at myself.

I read my "no send" letter to Tricia yesterday. It had been really hard to write. I couldn't write it until Saturday night, which was a bad idea, as then my brain didn't shut down and I had a hard time sleeping.

After I shared it, we talked about one of the main things that came up over and over in the letter. I had to give her all the back ground information so she knew the history, because this was something that I never talked about when we had counseled before.

At the time, there were other, more important, or at least pressing and debilitating things that needed addressing. So it never came out.

Until now.

Maybe God decided that I was ready for this, that I had the strength for this.

I think He is wrong.

The more we talked, the more agitated I became. At the end I apologized for picking at her pillow. I said something about being afraid I would pick it apart. She laughed and said that it has seemed to hold up pretty well so far.

We went over our time together a few minutes, but she still took the time to pray with me. That started some tears... a little bit. Then as we stood up and she offered me a hug, I almost lost it right then and there. I started to cry a little more, the tears really threatened to take over, but I was forcing them down, though I was shaking and I knew she could tell.

She pulled back and looked at me right in the eye. She asked me if I was upset with her for spending our whole time on the subject we did.

"No, not really," and then I paused and corrected myself, "I guess a little." It still wasn't the whole truth, but closer to it.

She accepted what I said, and encouraged me a bit more and then sent me on my way. As we walked out, we were going to set up an appointment, but I didn't have my calendar with me. I had to go back to work to get it... so we said that we would aim for 2 weeks out.

I left the office, walked down the hall, rounded the corner and ran into the bathroom that was there, locking the door behind me. I dropped my bag and slid down the wall, collapsing on the floor.

All I could say was, "Really? Really God?"

And the tears came, fast and hard.
Then I heard someone jiggle the door handle, wanting to use it, but finding it locked, I heard them walk away.
That stopped the tears.

I left the bathroom shortly after and took the stairs down the 3 floors. (I don't like elevators)

I made it back to work, and called to set up my next appointment. I tried for 2 weeks out, but my schedule didn't coordinate well with Tricia's. So I am going to see her next week, on Wednesday. It ends up being 9 days apart, rather than 14. But it was the best I could do without going out about 3 weeks or so.

After my appointment with her, I wasn't sure I wanted to go back, but I think God orchestrated it so that I could only get that appointment to work out in my schedule. I was so raw yesterday (and still am today) that I wasn't sure that I could wait even that long.

Now I know that I am going to be able to make it that long.

I have the chance this weekend to have some time alone. The kids are at the farm. Dave is working. I am going to try to get away from the house, and get away to a private place if possible (if my back yard doesn't work out) and process through some of the stuff we talked about.

I am not able to manage to do too much right now, or think to hard about what we talked about. Even writing this post is extremely hard.

This morning I was able to pray some on the way to work. I got there extremely early for me; I beat both of the pastors there. I grabbed some worship music and went to the piano and played for a while, and finally was able to sing some. God doesn't let me get away with singing and not really feeling the words.... so it helped break through some of the self imposed numbness.

It was a good start to the day. Probably the best I felt all day. Because as the day continued, my anxiety climbed, and I felt worse and worse. I am a bit better now, and ready to head to bed. I wasn't intending on writing today, because I didn't think I had anything to write about.

I guess I was wrong.

I know God is faithful. I know He is sovereign. I know He loves me. I know all this in my head. The guilt is overwhelming and the shame makes me want to hide. My emotions and the things I know have to be lies are over-riding the truth.