tender hearted

My heart hurts and is very tender this day.

I spent some good time yesterday with God, and then was able to relax with the kids at the farm for a while.  This morning, as I was getting ready for church, God spoke and reminded me of some verses I had read yesterday about repentance.  I just heard the word "repent" in my heart and connected it to the verses I had read the day before.

And, God connected both of those thing with some areas in my life He has pointed out that I need to work on.  Some things that make my flesh squirm in shame and pain.

As I drove to church, I was praying, asking God to help me focus on Him today, and to be able to worship and really hear what He had to say to me through the sermon.  As I did, I heard again the word "repent" in my heart. I caught myself telling Him "later" and stopped.  Why in the world would I do something later that I heard Him ask me to do when I know He's asking it, and that when I haven't responded right away, putting Him off, I feel more distant from Him?

So right there in the car, on the way to church, I did.  I turned it all over to Him and sought forgiveness.  Oh that opened the floodgates of the tears!

I made it safely to church (I was crying while driving) and got in there.  Almost as soon as I walked in, I saw our former pastor and his family here.  I gave him a big hug and greeted his family.  After a moment or two, as others came to greet his wife and daughters, he asked how I was doing.  I said OK, but saw that familiar look in his eyes.... and amended it, saying instead I was making it, but been struggling quite a bit recently again.  He reminded me to hang in there.

Well, little did I know that he was going to be getting up with an announcement at the beginning of the service.  He gave a report on how their fund-raising was going to plant their church, and how the sale of their house was going.  When he was done with that, he shared how during this process of the last month being away from our church, it had been extremely dark and hard and heavy.

Then he said, "I don't know where you are today, or what is going on.  Some of you may be walking in some darkness.  Feeling lost and heavy and having a hard time hanging on.  I just want you to know that God has not dropped you off along the way...."

The words aren't exact to what he said, but the meaning is the same.  I don't really have the rest written down, because I could hardly see Pastor Brad for the tears streaming down my face, and the sobs threatening to overtake me.

I pretty much cried on and off through the rest of the service.

The sermon was good, I was able to connect to God through the worship, and afterward ran into Peter and Donna, my small group leaders.  Peter pulled me aside and we had a conversation, one that I had been expecting, but still hard nonetheless.  I gave him a hug, and started to cry (again).  He reminded me we are still family, and I explained that this, though expected has come on top of some other tough things God is working in and working through and working out, but they are hard.... and it was just one more hard thing today to have confirmed for me.

This pulling apart in my life is really getting old, and it hurts and it has left my heart very raw and vulnerable.

I know God is working on getting me to rely on Him 100% and not leaning on other people first.  Depending on others, and having accountability, and living in community and unity is wonderful.  However if that starts taking the place of going to God first, then He is going to do something about that.

He's been working on my heart for so long now.  Only now am I learning that when I feel His prompting I need to act on it immediately, no matter how inconvenient it might be at the time.  Slowly I am learning to set aside things in my life that are or have been idols.  Slowly I am allowing Him to open up my heart to see the things I still need to work on.  Slowly I am learning to submit myself to Him.... and its a daily thing many times....  submitting myself and submitting my "stuff."

Folks, my heart hurts.  All I want to do is cry.  This growing and stretching thing is really painful.  I know that the Holy Spirit is working.

I. Can't. Do. This.
It's. Too. Hard.

But I have to remember that God is in control.  He has not dropped me off along the way.  He is carrying me, even when I don't feel Him there.  If I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me.

Every little thought of what has happened, just today, pricks my tender heart.  Too much to process, too much to think about, but I don't want to shut down again, so that means I need to live with this tender heart.

God, hold me tenderly this week.  Hold my vulnerable heart in Your Hands and keep it protected and safe.  Guard my mind and heart and soul this week, and continue Your healing in my life.  Somewhere I read this week that to be broken is to be healed.  Well Lord, I feel broken.  So I am choosing to trust that Your healing is following.  I am truly "on the road" with You..... You have shown me that I have a tendency to hang onto You, so I know that I will hang in there with You, but please keep feeding me strength and hope for this process that seems never-ending.

coming unraveled...

I still feel like I am coming unraveled. I don't know what is wrong with me.

My brain is just not making sense of this.

Wednesday night I fell apart at church. I was there for worship rehearsal, and retreated to a quiet room, because I could feel my anxiety and fear going up, and I as soon as I got in there, I blew. I started crying - sobbing - so hard that I couldn't control it at all.

I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere.



Yesterday, I got a lot accomplished at home, which felt good. But I was running all day. I kept my hands and mind busy with lots of other things, so I didn't think too much.

Last night, Cindy D. came over after dropping her son off at work in town. When she got here, I started a fire in our fire pit. Her son got off of work, only 2 hours after he started, but he walked over to our house and hung out with Dave watching a Dr. Who episode and generally having a good guy time, while Cindy D. and I had good "girl time" at the fire.

As we talked, all that I had repressed during the day started to surface. She could tell that I was starting to "break" and she started to pray for me......

and the tears came
and the sobs started

I doubled over in my chair, just aching and hurting with no real release from it. It helped some, but I just hurt more.

She prayed that God would take the wall down that I had built up, brick by brick, that I would be able to let the tears flow and release some of what I have been holding in. I guess I did, but my internal reaction to her prayer was to tell God no, and try to take the bricks and put them back up.

I'm not sure how long I cried, but it was well after sunset before I was a bit more composed, and the tears still came on and off the rest of the night. I was so blessed by Cindy D's presence with me. She stayed with me through all the tears, and the pain. I got back to a place of relative peace, compared to earlier in the day. I don't think I would have gotten there alone. I was tempted to go to other coping mechanisms if she hadn't been able to come over.

I didn't want to think or feel.

Through her presence and her prayers, I sensed God with me, and I didn't have any more energy to run from Him. I knew He had orchestrated it that she would be there last night, and that I would feel safe enough with her. He knew what I needed and provided it.

We both praise God that He has given us this friendship. Neither of us, a few months ago could have imagined that we would be sitting around a fire talking and praying together - or that I would find her "safe" enough to completely lose control in front of her.

Cindy D. mentioned at one point that she could tell just how raw I was.
Oh, I was so raw.... Everything was just "out there."
There was no way I could contain or hide how I was really feeling.

After Cindy D. left last night, I went back out to the fire for a bit more. I ended up on my knees, leaning my head on my arms on the seat of the other chair, sobbing again. It felt like the tears were never ending. I haven't been this raw in SO long.

Now, today, I am raw and aching too. I don't have anyone with me here tonight. I have the kids, but no other adult to relate to or to be with me through this day - and through this pain.

I have been in or near tears on and off all day.



I feel like there is more going on here than losing Henry and grieving this loss.

Angela said that she wondered if it triggered something deeper in me.

Cindy D. said that she really didn't feel comfortable with the idea of me not going back to see Tricia and canceling that appointment... even though Tricia had left it open ended.

I think after last night, both Angela and Cindy D. would stick by those thoughts and feelings.



I don't want to go back to church (on Sunday). I don't want to go back to work on Monday. I don't want to have anything to do with God right now, because He is opening up something and I don't know what it is and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

I want to run and stuff and forget. I don't want to feel this much any more. I know that's not healthy. I know that's not what God wants. I know that's going backwards. I just don't want to do it anymore.

I'm overwhelmed.

I feel like I can't even write coherently. Everything comes pouring out at once. I hope you can make sense of it.

My mind sure isn't making sense of it. I just don't get why Henry's death has affected me so much. I don't know why/if it would trigger something else. I feel dumb about going back to Tricia because I can't hardly put anything to words either here or in my journal. I don't understand, my brain can't wrap around what's gone on and what I am feeling.

It isn't logical. It doesn't make sense - and therefore, I guess most of me is saying that those emotions aren't valid.... whatever they are.

Yet, I still feel unraveled - like someone took a seam ripper and just tore me apart at all my seams. I feel like a stuffed animal that has been torn apart, all the stuffing and insides coming out.

I feel open and raw and exposed.
I don't feel safe or protected right now.

I need to feel safe and protected right now... and I feel like God isn't doing it right now, whether that's true or not, and so I want to protect myself instead of trusting.

It's just where I'm at.
Coming unraveled, ripped open, raw, exposed....

.... and scared.

Intertwined....

Maybe it is all intertwined and I haven't realized it fully till now.

I am still working through it, and processing here - but that may be it.

I was telling my counselor that since I got off my meds I was ok, but started working and after the new year, things started going downhill for me again. There were times I knew it was spiritual attack, and other times it was exhaustion or the activities I was involved in, etc. that were causing momentary stress, resulting in depression. But I figured that the depression started deepening on its own in January and February.

Hmm.. Look at what I realized.

End of January - Henry was diagnosed with cancer
Early February - Henry had surgery, and they discovered the extent of the cancer.
5 weeks later - Henry started chemo

And from there on, he progressively got worse.

A five month journey that ended in his homecoming.

Maybe the other things going on in my life caused the depression. Maybe I do have a chemical imbalance that I will always need to take anti-depressants. Maybe I have gifts that have weaknesses of depression.

"Maybe" it's all of those things combined.

I think now though all those things are intertwined with Henry's death. It's too much of a "coincidence" to be completely unrelated.


Everything is all intertwined. There is no escaping it.


I work at the church, and hear things that make me want to weep. I see the prayer requests that come across my desk. I feel the struggles the church is going through as a pastor leaves to start a church plant.

I am part of a small group who walked alongside a couple in their individual struggles with cancer. One survived her battle - the other survived too, but is in heaven waiting for us. The ache in all our hearts, the empty chair in our meetings, the shared tears last week at small group.... these all pull at my heart and emotions.

I live with my family, with a husband who works hard as a nurse in a particularly challenging area, who comes home wiped out, and still tries his best to engage with me and the kids. I have a son who is sensitive to others around him, and aware of the struggles of his family, even if not consciously. Who doesn't want to practice his reading to get ready for first grade, and who struggles with anxiety, generalized and specific at times. I also have a little girl who is becoming more stubborn and willful as the weeks go on.

I find myself wondering if I am doing my family a disservice by working, but right now, we need it.... and so I am torn between what I do, who I am, who I need to be, where I am needed and how do I balance all this stuff that is so intertwined with one another, I can't separate it.

I can see how all this stuff is working in my life, the added worries and pressures.... and the heartaches that I have for the "others" around me. They all put pressure on my heart and emotions. Any chemical imbalance or personal struggles add to the pressure.

I feel like a rubber band being stretched to, and beyond, it's limit. I am cringing, waiting for the snap and resulting sting of the impending breaking point being reached. And, I am wondering if God is going to let go of this rubber band and let it relax some and regain it's equilibrium before it's stretched again.

Or am I going to have to endure?

The snap.
The sting.
The break.

This time being stretched will I get the relief before it's too late?

Or is the snap, the sting and the break just what God wants for me - to remind me that He is God and I am not?

To be broken is to be healed. I know that. From experience. That healing is such a sweet release and relief.

And there are more threads that are intertwined. God using my past experiences of brokenness to help me during this time of loss and change and confusion and hurt.

I don't know if any of my questioning will help me "figure out" why I am depressed or better one day and not the next or why I feel numb when I do.


All these different things that I have experienced, or am experiencing are more than enough just on their own to pull me down. They do. If I'm not careful. But all combined and intertwined, all tangled in this sticky web I am in, I feel stuck and stretched and exhausted. I want to curl up and hibernate until these things are gone. But sleeping will not get me through them.



God, I don't know where this leaves me. I am so tired. I am so worn. I am stretched - to my breaking point, it feels. You say You are with me. You say You will sustain me. You say that You will guide me. Help me to choose You, rather than to run or block You out. For the sake of your name, lead me and guide me. All these things I have talked about are so intertwined around me God, and I know I will never figure them out on my own, and maybe I don't need to. But You see all the individual threads and the whole tapestry at the same time. Please keep you hand on me. I can't walk this road without You.... I can't stay on this road without Your hands holding me up.

** The above picture can be found at Mademoiselle Chaos.

Here and gone again...

Yesterday, I came to work and didn't know what to expect.

I walked in with more of a tender heart than I realized.

I spent my quiet time in the sanctuary, and found myself crying some - mostly out of empathy for Sandy. A little bit later in the morning, I found myself in one of my pastor's office crying there as he prayed for me.

I was raw all day.

At the end of the day I got to go see Sandy. I stopped in before I went out to get the kids from the farm. We talked. For nearly 2 hours.

It was good because I was finally able to share, at least a little bit, how I was doing, and how I felt about losing Henry. As we talked, we both cried on and off... but in the end she told me that it was so good to talk about Henry with someone else, and to know that she wasn't the only one here who was grieving.... even if her grief is much deeper and different than mine.

I think it was healing in a way for both of us.

Today, I was so tired when I got to work that I really wasn't feeling much of anything. Just was kind of wondering how this day was going to turn out.

As the day has gone on, I find myself questioning again why I went to see Tricia and if it really did any good. Questioning why I'm struggling so much. Questioning IF I really am struggling with anything other than depression.

The lies seep back in again.

"I should be stronger than this," I find myself saying.

I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well, so I end up more tired the next day. It grows progressively worse.

I wrote in my journal earlier:

"Yup, most of my emotions are gone again, except probably anger at 'pat' sounding answers. Today I'm not ready to give up - not yet - but yesterday felt so freeing and today so restricted I can hardly stand it!"

I had the opportunity to get away this weekend. My mom gave me an open invitation to just come down and have some peace and quiet, even without the kids. I was ready to take her up on it. I still want to. However, now I can't find anyone to help me with the kids (to watch them) because family is all tied up - Dave included. So I either take them, or don't go at all... and just hope that my family can come up and visit sometime soon.

Maybe I'll be able to go still - God can always do that. But He knows what I need, and what will be the best for me, and the most restful and renewing.

I want to pull away and spend some time alone with God. Really meet with Him.

Yet, when I might get an hour here or there, I find myself running instead. I probably could have had a full "weekend of hours" in the past couple of weeks, if I had used them wisely instead of wasting them.

Now I have to go finish the rest of my day and hope that I can keep going as long as it takes.

God, help me through the rest of this day, because You know how close I am to giving up and quitting right now. Closer than I was earlier when I wrote. I think what exhausts me the most Lord, is the swinging between being emotional and not. The hits I take from the lies in between, I am too tired to fight them, and yet I am supposed to persevere. How, when it takes all I have to stay awake in this chair here? God, please help me make sense of this all - if not in my head, at least in my heart. Settle me. Keep hanging onto me. I don't feel You there - but You say You will not leave me. If I don't believe that, what in the world do I have left to believe and cling to?

I'm unplugged... with no outlet in sight

It was wonderful to see Tricia. It was so good to get a hug from her and catch up at least a little bit.

I basically ran down the last 8 months or so for her, just so that she could know some context of the depression, from going off my meds to starting to work, to getting hit this winter, to taking in a friend of ours for a while, to going back on meds, the acceleration of Henry's illness and his death.

She understood, I think, where I am at, and asked me why I wasn't allowing myself to cry. "Why stop yourself from crying?"

I don't know the answer.
I feel like I unplugged a power cord and now can't find the end of it, or the outlet to plug it into.

I find that I keep saying, "I can't."
But why?

The "I can't" will keep me going down that road and become "I shouldn't," or "I never."

Bottling won't help me.

I know that.
IN MY HEAD.

What about in my heart?
Why am I so afraid of feeling?
Why am I holding back?

I am angry with myself that I can't seem to just let go.

Tricia reminded me that it's OK not to cry, to not try to force the tears, but at the same time to not stop the tears either.

She is hoping that I won't need to come back in, that just one appointment with her as an objective outsider will be enough. But we scheduled an appointment out there in two weeks, just in case. If I need it, it's there, but if I don't I can cancel.

She said that she heard me mention that there were some things that I had wished I could tell Henry, that I just never got the opportunity, nor got the guts up to say when I did have the opportunity.

She suggested that I write a letter to him. Address it to him. A "no send" letter. She said that I process by writing, and write so well. (I haven't felt that lately) She said that it might really be helpful for me.

Tricia then saw the look on my face, and quickly said that I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to, but that it might help.

I don't know what my face looked like, but ALMOST..... I choked up a bit. I could feel the lump then, like I do now, but then it was gone. I think that might be what she responded to when she said I didn't have to write the letter.

I am praying that at some point, God will find the end of that power cord, the outlet, and plug it back in..... at the right time.

an elephant...

Oh boy, has my week been up and down!

Thursday was NOT a good day by any stretch of the imagination. I ran... as far and as fast as I could. I had the opportunity to spend a good chunk of time with God and I ran the other way.... totally the opposite direction. Oh, and I was so mad at myself for doing it. I knew I was doing it and couldn't or didn't or wasn't willing to stop myself.

Friday, I was numb again. I was exhausted. Thursday, I was anticipating time with God, then when I ran (probably in fear of any emotions) I got furious with myself. By Friday, I was back to numb again. I had nothin' for nobody.

Saturday, God's grace flowed over me. The kids didn't wake me up too early. They sat and watched some cartoons and snacked on cereal. I was able to sit in my bed, with my bible and journal and bible study spread out around me, with a hot latte at my elbow.

I had nearly an hour of time with God, at the end of which, I asked God to help me really be "present" with my children that day.

It was such a good day, and one we all needed.

Yesterday was draining, and thus, my mood tanked.

Worship at church was wonderful. However, I was alone at church with a 4yr old and 6yr old who kept asking me when we were leaving and if they could go to the farm.

They were pretty good in church. But we didn't get home until about 1:30pm, between the business meeting and potluck afterward. They were done in and so was I.

Thankfully, they wanted to play with play-doh, so I set them up and then collapsed on my bed. I was still in my church clothes but didn't care by that point. I curled up in a ball around a pillow with the blankets over me and didn't move.

Wanted to sleep but only was able to doze a bit between interruptions from the kids.
Wanted to cry the lump out of my throat, but nothing came when I tried to let go.
Wanted to stay in bed the rest of the day, but had to take care of the kids and prep for small group.

So, after they were done with their downtime, so was I. I got up, changed and got them outside to play.

After a while, because it was so hot, I set up the slip and slide for them and let them get wet and grassy. Dave took them inside to shower and dress while I built a fire for our small group.

Once I got active and into the day, I was ok. But I was still tired, and depressed. It really didn't lift too much. Hit me like a ton of bricks when I got home, and stayed there.

Once the kids were back outside with me, Dave escaped to do his "computer rounds" (he fixes other peoples computers for fun). Pete and Donna got there to join Sandy and I and the kids for hot dogs and s'mores. It was a good time of eating and talking around the fire, but as the night progressed, you could tell things were just heavy on all of us.

Peter and Donna had some hard news to share. I had hard news to share too, about my going to see Tricia again. Sandy didn't say much. But we know her hard stuff she is having to deal with.

It was a hard night. We want to come together to draw around each other and lift each other up, but right now, we are all hurting and aren't doing that very well.

It is an unspoken thing in our small group that we are all missing and hurting about Henry's death. It is the big elephant in the room that no one is talking about.

Sandy isn't in a place yet where she can recognize that others are missing him and hurting about his passing, because it is so overwhelming for her - she prays to go home and be with her sweetheart. Besides her children, she can't even take in anything else.

She was surprised when Cindy D. told her that I was having a hard time with Henry's death. She said to me privately last night that she didn't think that it would affect me so much.

Wouldn't affect me so much?

Henry and Sandy have been a part of my life for 6 years. They are family. I love them both. I miss him. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to grieve. I don't know how to come alongside someone who is grieving.

Right now I may not be able to feel for myself, but I feel for the others in our small group. I hurt for Sandy who has lost her other half. I hurt for Peter and Donna who have lost a good friend of at least 20 years. I hurt for Henry and Sandy's kids who have been having to help Sandy go through all of his tools this past weekend.



I want to go see Tricia tonight.
I Don't want to go see Tricia to night.

Both.

I want to see her because I have missed her. I know she cares for me, and has my best at heart. We have history together, and she knows what I have been through. I know she will be able to help me and walk me through whatever "this thing" (whatever it is) is going to look like.

I don't want to see her because the lies are going on that I really don't need to be there. That my feelings aren't valid. That I shouldn't be struggling as much as I am. That I shouldn't have been struggling with depression ever since I got off the anti-depressant, and so my "fix" should just be the medication, not counseling!



When Sandy said that she was surprised Henry's death was affecting me so much, it made second guess my reaction to his death. It made me think that maybe I was just making all this stuff up, and perpetuated the lies I have succumbed to at times.

At the same time I know she was/is speaking out of a place of terrible loss. She can't comprehend or even attempt to take in others' loss compared to hers.


Hopefully I will be able to share some of this with Tricia tonight, with some sort of clarity. I don't know for sure if I will be able to. Please pray for me! There is so much more behind what I have shared here on my blog. I really don't even know where to start! Back at the beginning, but I don't even know what the beginning was!

But at least I have some of my writing back. That has dried up as my depression increased and my work load increased. Now there is something there that I have to get out, so I write.

Focused or not, I write.

Temper tantrum?

I think I am having a bit of a temper tantrum.

I HATE taking medication just to be able to think straight enough to type this, or to drive home!!

My anxiety is over-whelming me at the moment. I had to take something to calm down enough to get home without feeling sick to my stomach. Which has been happening all week....
... the being sick to my stomach part.

I have had bouts of nausea and thought it was a stomach bug. Then after it was still bad yesterday, on the advice of my doctor, I went to eat before I went back to work. I thought for sure I would get sick.

Imagine my surprise when I felt better!

That was when I knew that most of how I've been feeling physically is anxiety and depression related.

As I mentioned, I went to my doctor yesterday. We talked about all that has gone on with Henry passing away, and trying to deal with this "stuff" in the moment, and my relative numbness lately.

After talking for a while, he told me that if he increased my medications, or changed them, I wouldn't feel any different or get any benefit from them right now. He was very hesitant to change anything until I am out a little further from these events of the past few weeks.

Then he strongly suggested that I consider going to a counselor again.

Interestingly enough, as I had pulled into the parking lot yesterday, I found myself wondering if that was something that I should do, or when I would know it was the right time. Then I dismissed it with the thought that my doctor would know when it was time and that he would tell me what he thought.

Little did I know that I would hear what he thought in the next half hour.

Counseling again.

Well, I got back to work from my appointment. After getting something to eat, as requested. As I worked through the afternoon, I found that I was actually getting something accomplished, which was more than I had hoped for earlier in the day. When I got up that morning it was all I could do to get out of bed.

I eventually called my friend Cindy. I told her how the appointment went. And what my doctor had said about counseling.

After talking for a bit, she weighed in with her opinion. She thought it was a good idea, and reminded me that she is going to be gone for this whole next month. I'm not going to have her readily available to talk to, even though she will have her cell phone with her. She urged me to make the call.

I got off the phone and continued to work.

Then I got a call from my other friend, Cindy D. (Yes, there are two of them now.... so this "new to you" Cindy, will always be Cindy D. just to keep them straight!!!) :)

Anyway, as Cindy D. opened the conversation with me, she asked how I was doing.

Point blank, I responded, "I don't even know how to answer that question anymore."

It's the truth. I am depressed. I know that. But that's about all I know. I am frustrated with myself. I am anxious, to the point of almost having panic attacks. Other than that, I just don't know what to say. At all.

She wasn't put off by that, thankfully. She and I talked for a while, and I know she was treading carefully because she didn't want to step on my toes, or make me uncomfortable as this is a new friendship. But she was very kind and gracious. When I finally "broke" and told her about my doctor's appointment and his strong suggestion... she said to me that she agreed with him too.

We talked for a while longer, and she encouraged me a lot. She has been through some things in her past that helped her to recognize what I was going through and where I am at, whether I am able to describe it or not. To use her words, I am in shock still from Henry's death, and denial too, I suppose.

Did you know me, the empathy person, who can just about cry with anyone, can't cry now? I have wanted to. Felt the lump in my throat. Nothin's there. And the pressure's building.

Cindy D. was such an encouragement to me that after we got off the phone, I paced the church. I know that doesn't sound encouraging... but for me it was. I paced and came back to my office. I got up and paced some more. Came back and answered a couple of phone calls and tried to do some more work.

Then got up and paced some more.

Finally I found myself in the sanctuary, where I think God had wanted me all along.

I paced in there too.
I talked out loud. About calling a counselor. About what I should do. How logical it would be to go to one. How logical it would be to NOT go to one.

I kept pacing through the rows of chairs, keeping one eye on the sky cause a storm was coming.

I came back to my office and computer. Sat down. Then jumped up. It wasn't because of the clap of thunder that came then, I couldn't sit still.

I was pacing in the sanctuary again, and finally stopped and faced the front. Then I talked to God a bit, and felt like He was pressing on me to make the call.

I walked back to my office and with shaking hands dialed a number that I haven't called in over a year and a half.

"Charis Counseling, may I help you?"
"Um, yeah, I think. This is Heather Kudla. I used to be a patient of Tricia, and was wondering if she might have an opening for a new patient, well, for me in her schedule."
"She sure does, let me just pull your name back up..."

And so the conversation continued.

When I hung up, I had an appointment.

With Tricia. The same person I saw before. On Monday night.

Do you know what my Monday is going to look like?!?!

To get to this appointment, I have to leave work early, race home to the farm to get the kids and bring them into town for swimming lessons. Dave's mom is going to meet me there on her way through from work, and "take over" for me at the lessons, and I am going to race from the swimming pool, back up to Wausau for my appointment.... by 6pm.

This is totally nuts. I am traveling a half hour to spend a half hour with the kids before I turn back around and drive a half hour back into town.

I'm tempted to cancel, but if I did it would be another 2 weeks before I could get in to see her.

Oh, it will be good to see Tricia and get caught up. But I didn't want to get caught up in a counseling office, but rather over a cup of coffee or something, in a setting where we could be friends, not a counselor/client relationship.

Both my Cindy's reminders though keep coming back. I may just need this one appointment to have her help me get back on track. I may need more too. I don't know. I don't know anything.

I just know I haven't ever lost someone close to me. I have never gone through a grieving process in "real time" close to the source of the grief. I don't know what to expect. I fear my emotions, and when they might pop out, or what they might be like when they do.

I guess I need someone with counseling experience and the tools to really help me, walk through this with me.

Maybe that "temper tantrum" I mentioned at the beginning of my post really wasn't that at all. Maybe it was a bit of anger at the situation I am in, and at how I'm dealing with it, and how I'm relating to God through it too.

I still hate taking medication to calm down, but at least now I don't feel as sick to my stomach. And at least now, I have been able to write for the first time in a long while.

I have even found that I can't journal. It's been hard not having my writing. Things have piled up, I have a lot to do for work, and then a lot to do with my family. Writing has taken a back seat.

Thank you for bearing with me as I have vented.
Maybe my next post will be a bit more organized.
Maybe.
I'm not making any promises!

empty

Her voice was so empty today.

It broke my heart.

When she said it, I already knew it, because I knew that feeling I could sense in her voice, no matter what she said.

"I feel so empty."

All I could say was, "I know."

I don't know, really.
I don't know what it is to lose a spouse and feel that kind of empty, rattle around in a too quiet house.

But I know what it is to be so distant from someone that you feel like they are gone from your life. I know the emptiness that depression brings.

So maybe I know, just a little.

We were on the phone. I didn't have the time to go to her house to visit for the time that she needed, and get back to church for an evening meeting. So I had to settle for talking on the phone.

I wanted to give her the hug it seemed like she needed.

I don't know how to help her.

I want to help her.

At the same time I am hurting. I am sad. I am grieving too. Not in the same way she is. I have my own set of things going on too, that add to this new grief.

The memorial service was so wonderful this weekend. It was exactly as they had planned together before his death. It was a celebration of his life, the dignity of his death, and the anticipation he had of seeing Jesus.... the peace and joy that permeated the two of them those last weeks - even in the midst of tears.

The couple who always walked hand in hand are separated now for a while by death -- though he still lives -- they are separated, and she is longing for him and feeling so much like half of her is gone now.

As new as personally grieving is to me, so is walking with someone through their own grief. Much less walking with our small group together through this loss. Right now it's her, myself and one other couple, and a single young man who comes when he can.

My head hurts, my back hurts cause I am holding in all this tension. My stomach just aches. My throat has a big lump in it, but there are no tears to help relieve it all.

I want to run away, go hide somewhere, and really there is no where to go. Because I have to come back. I have a husband, children, a job, people counting on me.

I can't run away and hide somewhere alone. My husband already hardly has any activities outside of work and home. I have work and home, but also our small group once a week and am on worship team once a month. I can't run away and leave him with the kids, even for a day. I feel guilty. I have laundry a mile high I need to do, and other things around the house, and I don't want to do any of it. I just want to hide.... dive into a hole and pull it in behind me.

I want to ignore what happened this past weekend. Forget it and ignore it. I was able to today, until I talked to her.

In an email I wrote to the other couple in our small group I said that I feel dry, my prayers feel dry, and I feel like they are just a laundry list.

Yet at times, there is a little bit of comfort from His word. Just enough to keep me going. So that hopefully I won't feel so empty either.

Henry's gone to be with Jesus

I've never walked this path before.

Sunday evening, on a dark and rainy 4th of July, Henry passed away.

His children had left minutes before.
Sandy was alone with him.
For ten minutes.

Then he was gone.

Within a half hour Sandy had called all of our small group. She just said, "He's gone. I need you," and we were there with her.

Without saying much more, now I understand what it means when someone says that our body is just a shell - that this body is just a tent.


I've never walked this path before.


Henry's memorial service - a celebration of his life - will be held this Saturday, July 10th. I have been helping put together the memorial folders/cards for it. Assisting in any way I can to help the planning and execution of this go smoothly.


Again, I've never walked this path before.

I have never lost someone really this close to me. If Sandy is like a mom to me, and grandma to my kids, Henry was like a father in many ways to me, and grandpa to my kids.

I also realized yesterday, that I have never dealt with grief or loss in the moment. When bad things happened to me, or I experienced a loss of some kind, I stuffed it. I shut down my emotions. I ignored it. I ran from it. And eventually the pain faded into the background.

In counseling all that came out, one incident at a time, and I worked through those griefs and losses and wounds. But that was an intensive situation.... from past experiences, and so I felt like they were done and over pretty quickly.... if that makes sense.

But this.
This is something entirely different. I am having to walk through this in the moment, as an adult. I am having to do what is expected of me.... different responsibilities. That is fine. I am more than willing to do that.

But I don't know what it looks like to grieve.
I have never done that within the context of the situation - at the time it was happening.

I don't know what it looks like for me to grieve...... and then how do I help someone else too, like Sandy, or like the other members in our small group?

Monday I was so exhausted, I didn't want to even eat. I had a friend over, and she actually went out and got me something from a restaurant because I hadn't eaten pretty much all day, and she sat with me till I ate and until my husband came home from work. My emotions were mostly shut down - numb - in shock I think. I couldn't pray.

Yesterday, I had to come to work.

Still exhausted. Still numb.
But the numb started to alternate with emotions. It took me a while to identify them.

Some was hurt.
Some was anger.

When the church was quiet and I was the only one here, I went into the sanctuary. I didn't want to be there.... but felt drawn I guess. I still didn't feel like I could pray. But I started just talking out loud. Eventually yelling at God.

I sat down with a thud on the steps to the platform, still with my back to the cross, and said,
"Well, at least I'm talking to You now."

Then the tears.

And then they just shut off like someone shut off a faucet.

I pretty much stayed shut down and exhausted the rest of the day.

I feel sick to my stomach at the mere thought of food.
And am still shut down for the most part today - except for the big lump in my throat that won't go away.

And Sandy. I can't imagine what she is going through right now.
The ache of the loss must be unbearable.

She said today that she does something for a little while, and then her mind just blanks out, things get blurry and she just has to stop. That's a God thing, or she would overload herself.

We know that Henry is seeing Jesus face to face, seeing in full what we can only see in part, dimly now.

But we are grieving.
Please pray for Sandy and her son and daughter and two grand kids. Pray for our small group; we have been as close as family with them for at least 6 years. Pray for our church family who has had this couple as part of their body for over 30 years.

Pray for me as I try to process through this. Not having done this before, not having had experience in even being close to someone who has lost a loved one..... pray that I do the right things, say the right things, and that if I don't we all give grace to one another.

I don't want to take attention from Sandy and her needs. I don't want to --- I don't even know how to put it and it sounds selfish and stupid to see it typed out.

I just don't want to "do" this thing before me.... I don't know how to, or even what it looks like for me.... not how others think it should look like, but what God wants it to look like, or how He's created me to work through this as an individual.


I guess part of what it is, is this. I see that Sandy has lost someone, her other half of 47 years. Of course she is going to grieve and mourn. And it's about supporting her and being there for her through this current time, and through the coming weeks, months, years.

I don't think I have gotten past that too much to understanding that I have had a loss too. I mean, in my head, I understand that. But my heart and emotions are telling me to suck it up and to stuff it, and to set it aside because it's more important to help Sandy right now.

So, earlier in the post I can say, "I've never walked this path before" or that I have lost someone close to me, but it really doesn't register that it's a loss for me too. When I start to experience emotion about it, about Henry's death, I am fighting with myself because the instinct is to shut down. Mentally and emotionally.

As I am so infrequent in blogging in the past 8 months or so, I don't know who reads this anymore, but for those of you who do, please do pray for all of us. And, any thoughts you have to help me through this..... I would appreciate it, because the pat "Christian answers" just aren't cutting it for me.

strength and mourning...

The last few mornings I have been waking up and before I even step out of bed, between the snoozes, I have been praying.

It has been a really good way to wake up.

Through that, and trying to be intentional about praying in the car as I drive anywhere, my days have started out with prayer and worship.

God has been using these things, and others to build me up and strengthen me. I have been feeling a peace and a deeper sense of what I would call joy I guess.... even in the midst of depression.

My emotions have stabilized out somewhat.

To God be the glory, because I know where I was at about 3 weeks ago!

Now one of my dear friends, almost like a mother to me, Sandy, is facing losing her husband to colon cancer.

They have been through so much as a couple - I think I have mentioned them here before. Her husband, Henry is at home on hospice. He hasn't been eating or drinking much of anything. He had a really rough night last night.

This weekend the whole family was going to get together to celebrate some shared birthdays. However this morning Henry asked Sandy, in a clear moment, to call the kids and have them come today.

Sandy asked me to pray that once the kids got there to say goodbye, that things would happen quickly so that he would be free from this body, and pain.

They've been married 47 1/2 years.

I can't imagine what this is like - for either of them.

Now I realize why God has been strengthening me this week. So that I can walk alongside her, and our other friends who will be mourning our loss and Henry's gain... even if it doesn't come today, or tomorrow, or even this week....

Their most recent request that went out on the prayer chain follows.

"Please pray for Henry and Sandy who are gathered with their family. Pray that Henry will be able to be kept comfortable during this time. Please pray for the Lord's timing in Henry's life."

My heart aches for them.
And I am out of words.

Please join us all in prayer for them, and for their family.

On the road...
Heather

a phone call and visit

On Saturday, while I was away from the house, I got a phone call from my mom.

When I listened to her message, though she revealed nothing, other than to call her back, I immediately sensed there was something wrong.

I braced myself for bad news about my grandmother, who's been sick for a while now, and called her back.

In my heart I have known that she doesn't have long left in this world. She is 95. She has had a good life, a long one, and I know she is ready to die. She wants to.

My mom told me that when they were going to do a minor procedure for her, they found a tumor in her abdomen, near her esophagus, preventing her from swallowing much of anything.

The reason Mom called me when she did is because she found out from my uncle, Steve (her brother) that the tumor was malignant. The doctor said that she had 3 weeks with IV fluids, one week without.

Steve is working out the details with facilities and coordinators and doing all the research to get her into a hospice facility. She is still in the hospital right now.

I went to Madison to see her yesterday. I met Mom there. I got to see Steve and Connie, as they were leaving and I was walking into the building.

Did I mention that I hate hospitals?
And I married a nurse.
Sigh.

Anyway.

I got to her room and Mom was already there with her. I got to spend some time with the two of them.... probably just shy of 2 hours.

I would say that I had a chance to talk with her, but I didn't really. She did most of the talking and steered the conversation. Mom and I were along for the ride.

It was really hard seeing her in the hospital, because this time, more than any other time recently, I could see that she was different from my Gram that I remember and love. She was more relaxed and comfortable than I have seen her in a while, so that was good. But her personality seemed different to me some.

I don't know how to describe it. I can't put it into words.

My heart is that I want to see her come to Jesus. I want to know that she is a believer, if that is the case. I may never know that, but I got the sense that she isn't and it just breaks my heart. I want to see her in heaven again. I want her to spend eternity with Jesus, in heaven.

My heart is breaking now because, though she isn't clinging to this life, and she says that she wants to go on to something "new" or "different," as she put it, there was an emptiness in those words.

I don't think my family would agree with me, because she was so involved with church all her life. One way or another she was a church choir director, or she did something with church as long as Mom could remember, during her growing up years.

I think my family would be upset if they knew that I am not sure that Gram has Jesus living in her heart, or that I had doubts about whether she will be going to heaven when she dies.

I am taking a risk of their reading this, and getting upset with me, just by posting it, but at the same time....

...well, this blog has been a safe place to pour out my heart before. I am going to risk it again here, and pray that God will bring understanding and unity in Him in all my family.

I am afraid that if they read this, I will sound very judgmental and fundamental to my family.

I love them so very much. I am not judging them, or Gram. I just want them to know, really know, where they are going to be when they die.

Maybe I am fundamental.... in that I believe that God gives everyone a will, and the chance to choose whether they want life with God or life without Him. I believe that God loves everyone of us and wants us all to be with Him, otherwise He wouldn't have sent Jesus to die on the cross to make the way open for us to be with Him.

All we have to do is accept, receive, the sacrifice Jesus made, seek forgiveness from Him for the wrongs we have done.... and commit our hearts and lives to Him. It doesn't matter how long or short we have to live.

If my family has done that, oh I want to praise God with them for that!
If they haven't, how I pray that they would!

If Gram hasn't done that, made a choice for God in her 95 years, I want her to have that choice clearly presented to her in these last weeks she has on this earth, in this body.

Maybe she will ask Jesus to forgive her, and accept Him into her heart.
Maybe she already has.
Maybe it will be through someone else who has spoken to her.
Maybe someone already has.
Maybe it will be me.
Maybe it will be someone else ministering to her these last days.

I don't know.
God does.

I just hate the thought that she is holding out a hope of something new or different, when she could be holding onto Jesus, knowing He is holding her, with His peace and assurance inside of her.

I am praying that anything I sensed yesterday wasn't true, and that she truly has a living faith in Christ.

Please pray for me. Pray for my family. Pray for Gram (Jean). Pray that I have the opportunity to talk to her, or pray with her (or both) before she dies.

Thank you so much,

No longer paralyzed....

I did it.

I took the plunge.

I am wavering on the edge no longer.

I made the decision, and then notified the people in the "need to know."
Now I can share here.

I have been in Wausau Lyric Choir the past 7 years. It has been an incredible experience for me. They sing sacred music, and are dedicated to making beautiful music together, that truly honors and glorifies God. The music we made together, the friendships I made there, the way God has spoken to me through the music, have sustained me, upheld me through some very difficult seasons in my life. (see this post as to how God used a song the Pilgrim's Hymn to help me and encouraging me)

I have been more than blessed to be a part of this incredible group.

I am extremely sad to be leaving.

I know that God has something for me, better than I could ever imagine.

But I am really crying and mourning the end of this season in my life. I hope to be back next fall, singing again... God willing.

But for now, I am thinking of the music we made together, and the wonderful feeling of the music and harmonies nearly transporting my heart and soul to the rafters of the church and beyond, last spring.

The joy of being able to sing to my Creator "Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Be all else but naught to me, save that thou art. Be though my best thought in the day and the night. Both waking and sleeping, thy Presence my light."

To finally stop focusing on me, and the struggles of the past years and allow God to do a major healing, in that concert alone, it was nothing short of a miracle. He opened me up to start daring to dream even more about what He could do with my abilities to write, speak and sing.

I don't know what that is yet, but maybe that is the reason behind having to get out of choir now. I need to make some room for what God has planned for me.

Bittersweet revisited... Advent of Joy #7

When I wrote my last post, I found myself in some deep emotional waters, and tried not to let that overtake my writing. It was difficult because I am so emotional about finishing up with Tricia. I finished writing my post, dated it to publish after 1am so that it would post on the 6th, and went to get ready for bed.

I got into the bathroom and just cried. I think it was finally helping me release some of the tension I had felt ever since I got home from my appointment. I guess I didn’t realize it would affect me so much. I am still struggling emotionally, but I know that God is with me in it all.

He continues to give me dreams and hopes for the future…
He reminded me today that the season I am in, is one of waiting.

Isn’t that interesting?
Advent is a season of waiting for the birth of our Lord.

I am in a season of waiting. I am to specifically take this time to draw nearer to God’s heart, fall deeper in love with Him, and patiently wait, even though there are things that I would love to do, places I would love to go, and “jump” headlong into ministry of some sort.
Yet I don’t feel that I have been given the “go ahead” by God. So I am waiting.

As I felt that “Wait” from the Lord, I pondered what I had written about having those bittersweet feelings.

How many other things in our lives are partings, losses, endings?

I am not talking about the death of someone we love. Though that is a big one. But what about moving to a new home (even if it is only 15 miles from the first one)? What about family left behind in a move, and the loss that they might feel with the increased physical distance between you? What about changing churches? What about a loss in health, or at least a severe struggle with health issues, and the loss involved in feeling good, and being able to do the things you want to? What about ending a relationship with someone? Or losing a friend? Or losing a pet? Or losing even the trust we had in someone close to us? Losing a pastor to another church or ministry? Even the loss involved in a church re-defining its vision?

How many of these things do we allow ourselves to grieve through? Aren’t they all losses of one sort or another. They are breaks in the things that have been important to us. Grieving is part of the process of healing from a loss. What we think are little things, insignificant, sometimes can be the things that steal our joy, and start bogging us down, because we haven’t dealt with them.

Allowing ourselves to cry, mourn the losses, and work through them emotionally (even if they don’t seem like a big deal) help us to rediscover our joy in the midst of the pain; strength in our weakness; peace in the storm; patience in the midst of the busy-ness; trust in the midst of insecurities.

I know of so many people through blogs, or in real life who are struggling with things like these. I don’t think that anyone could say that they are untouched by some sort of loss.
My friend Cindy told me that in all the times they have moved (many times out of state, Texas to Wisconsin and back and forth again) the longer moves were a bit easier because she was able to prepare herself before they happened. At least she was able to prepare herself that she was going to grieve losses. She said that at times it would take her nearly 2 years to work through it.

She and her husband recently made a move, basically across town, 20 minutes from their previous home. Around the same time, they switched from one church to the church I go to. Immediately they were “assimilated” into a small group, and people who supported them and grew to love them immensely.

She told me that she was completely unprepared for the grief she felt over moving and changing churches. She said that it has been just over a year and a half, and she still finds herself sad at losing the closeness of some of the friendships she had with people in the other church. She was so unprepared because she didn’t think it would be such a big thing since it wasn’t a long distance move. She also told me that because she and her husband were welcomed so warmly into our church family, it made the transition easier.

But I think she could agree that there was a bitter sweetness to the move. Grief in some loss of closer relationships, change of churches and community. Yet joy in being welcomed into a new church and making close friends.

Bittersweet.

For myself, I had a very close friend of mine move, in May, to Zambia for a year long mission. Gwen has been like a sister to me since our college days. When she moved 3 hours away to her parents home, I missed her, and though I could talk to her, and we still saw each other, I missed her then.

Since her move to Zambia, I have missed her greatly. It was a loss for me of the closeness in our relationship, not because our friendship ended, just related to the physical distance between us.

At the same time God blessed me with someone to come alongside me, who has become a sister to me. Cindy has walked alongside me this past year. So I experienced the grief of “losing” Gwen, but joy in gaining another sister.

Bittersweet.

Those are just a couple of examples. I could come up with many more.

In this time of waiting… this advent… I am waiting for God to show me what He wants me to do. I am learning more from Him about grief and loss, joy and hope. I am growing closer to Him. As I learn more from Him, as I learn more about myself, and learn through my experiences and healing… I think God is using it to make me more sensitive to others, and better able to relate to others’ hurts.

I have gotten a “wait” from God. I have gotten a “draw closer to me” from Him. I have been told “learn from your experiences, from others and from Me” by my Jesus. I have gotten a “listen for My voice” from His Spirit.

So I am waiting. I am experiencing an advent of sorts in my life… waiting for the time of the Lord’s birth of something new in my life.

In the meantime, though I grieve the loss of my immediate relationship with Tricia, I am waiting in hope for what God will do in the future with the passions He has been giving me. I have joy in knowing I am in His will as I wait (if not perfectly patiently) to see what He is going to teach me.

The bitter sweetness
of the
joy and pain,
hope and anxiety
of the waiting
…the being still and knowing He is God…

Bittersweet... Advent of Joy #6

Well, I did it.

I had my final appointment with Tricia.

I walked out of there with both of us agreeing that it was my last session, essentially.
Tricia said that if anything did happen in the next weeks, or next months, and I did need to see her, to not beat myself up or see it as a step backward. It would just be me admitting that I needed some help to get through something else.

As I was talking with my small group, before I went to counseling, my friend Donna talked about how much I have matured in this past year. Today in counseling, Tricia talked about how before when I came up against a problem I couldn’t focus on finding a solution because I was in too much pain. She said that now my pain is less, I feel better in general, and about myself, and now I am able to start problem solving.

She said that I am still going to find that I will struggle some to deal with everyday stressors that come up. She said I have the coping skills, I just need to remember to employ them (I will add here, healthy ones), and remember above all else that God loves me.

She reminded me that I am going to encounter problems and difficulties. It doesn’t mean that I can’t handle life, or that I am doing something wrong. It is part of this world. I told her about how I was encountering some struggles right now with trusting God in a specific area, and how to help myself, I was going to be writing these posts up until Christmas. I said that this past Monday was really hard, and I had found myself struggling with depression.

Tricia quoted to me the following verse… and as I looked up the word “mature,” later this evening, I came across the verse she gave to me, and knew I had to write about it.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4

The trials that I am going through right now are testing my faith. As I work through them, and through my trust issues with God, my faith is tested, refined, and purified. Each time I face trials and my faith is tested, I am forced to either persevere or give up. If I persevere, I grow stronger. I mature in my faith. My trust in God is strengthened. My faith is made stronger so that I have the courage to step out into something new with God. I might be scared, but through each new trial and struggle, I am being made more mature and complete… I WON’T LACK ANYTHING!!!

So, as each new thing comes up, I can choose to despair that I will ever be “done” with all this stuff. Or I can choose to believe that God has a purpose, and He is growing me, and completing the good work He has started. And I can find joy in that somehow. It may not be visible. I may still suffer grief, and it may still be hard, but I have to keep that eternal perspective that I talked about yesterday. He loves me and He fills me, He has given me new birth into a living hope, an inheritance that is kept in heaven for me. Through my faith (that is being matured….) I am shielded by God’s power.

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
1 Peter 1:6-7

My faith is tested in the trials. I don’t have to like the trials, or be happy about them. I don’t have to put on the “happy face” for everyone. I can be real and honest and say “This is hard, I don’t like it, and it hurts.”

But hopefully, in the midst of the trials I will be able to have an eternal perspective, and know that I have been given so many incredible gifts by God. These trials are strengthening my faith, testing and refining it, and proving it genuine, and maturing and completing me.
Right now I have to say I have something else now to work through.

I knew it was going to be tough to say good-bye to Tricia. I am going to miss her. I will be praying for her, and I know we are still connected to each other in the body of Christ. But it is going to be different and hard to walk out from here now.

To me it is a loss. I am I guess grieving a relationship that had to be severed. I mean, it was a healthy ending, we had closure together, by reviewing some of the things I have written over the past year, and seeing where I have come from, and where I am now. The relationship had to end so that I can continue on and grow and mature on my own. As Tricia said, her time to come alongside of me has ended, that isn’t her role any more.

So I am grieving the loss of our relationship.

But at the same time I can see joy in it. Because if I was able to end my counseling relationship with her; without going into a panic attack, without making myself sick about it, without major emotional difficulties; I am getting better, am so much better than I was a year ago. I can take joy from the knowledge that God has healed me so much.

The pains, difficulties, trials, griefs, have been worth the healing, growth, maturity, completing work God has done in my life through them.

A bittersweet loss.
A bittersweet gain.

I don’t know that I ever understood the concept of something being bittersweet until now.

Grieving.
Joy.

Mixed together in the same experience.