Worshiping, not yelling... and Never Alone!

Early this evening, I found myself on the way out to the farm.

I wasn't yelling.

I was worshiping.  

I was singing loud and strong, along to a worship CD.

I was overcome with awe as I watched the rain clouds break apart, 

the sun start to stream through,

and the trees light up with all their glorious colors.

I didn't feel alone.

God was right there with me.  

Showing Himself to me in His glorious creation and inhabiting my praise of Him.

He has been all along, but I was sinking so much in my own pain and shame that I couldn't or wouldn't see it.

What changed my perspective today?
Nothing has changed.  My situations and struggles are still the same.  The depression is still there, the feeling of being pulled away from people and things... all still there.

However, my perspective has changed.

Yesterday, after the kids had left to go to the farm, I read a friend's blog post.  She said that she would, even in the midst of her own struggles, be interceding for others.  She asked in that post for us to share prayer requests with her.  Tentatively I sought her out via email and shared as briefly as I could where I was at and just asked her to pray as she was able.

I received her reply a little later in the evening.  In the course of her email, she made a suggestion.  She said to find a favorite story of mine in the bible and read it.  But to not just read it, but fully put myself in the story, feeling it with texture, form and substance.

Well, I did as she suggested, right before bed.  I didn't anticipate how God would touch me, but I read the story of the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years.  It was one that was instrumental in my coming to Christ 17 years ago.  I read it out of Mark 5:24-34.

It was powerful, and for some reason, what Jesus said to her at the end of her story on those pages, I felt like I had never even heard before.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." 

Daughter.
Faith.
Healed.
Peace.
Freed.

I was in that story.  I was the woman who had suffered at the hands of many doctors, spent all she had, and was worse off than before.  I was the one so worn and weak, trying to push through the crowd that was crushing Him to just try to touch his cloak.

And His words touched me.  I am His daughter.  My faith has caused me to push through the crowd to find healing in His touch, in the past, and will again.  He spoke to me about going in peace, to cease worrying about what might happen or how it will look, or what I'm even supposed to do.  Just rest in His peace.

He spoke precious words to me of freedom.  Freedom from suffering.  I know we will never be fully free from suffering here in this world.  But when we are looking at our Savior's face, the suffering fades in comparison.  I wrote in my journal last night that maybe I would never be able to shake the depression I suffer from, but maybe I can find peace in it, knowing He is there, He knows what it's like.  Jesus cares and never leaves me alone or drops me off along the road somewhere.

I know God is pulling me away for a season, drawing me apart for a while to spend more time with Him.  He's making room in my life.

For Him.
For me.
For us together.

I will be able to fill up with more of Him.  He will be able to show me the things I need to work through, the healing I need, the sins I need to confess, repent and let go of.  He is spending this time clearing out the junk so that He has room to work, and I can only sit back and watch in amazement as He does His thing.

Jesus was a carpenter you know.  I imagine He loved to work with His hands, taking a bare bit of wood, seeing what it could really become, cutting it, carving it, and shaping it, polishing it until it was a thing of beauty, and able to be used fully for the work it was made for.

He is doing that with me.  He is with you too. He sees the flaws in our bits of wood, and he works with them, turning them into ways His strength and design and plan can be seen.

This depression and depth of despair that I have had may come and go, and never really leave.  But I am working at getting it from my head to my heart - choosing to believe that it will once again be for my good and for His glory.  Depression will keep me weak, forced to depend on Him like no other.  No one else would be able to stand up to the pressure that I would put on them in my deepest need.

Only Jesus can.
Only Jesus has experienced the deepest darkness, the deepest aloneness, the most painful separation, worse than anything we could imagine.

So He knows, He understands, He cares.
And He WILL REDEEM IT ALL.

He will buy back the pain and the agony of our situations.  He will use it somehow in my life, and it will spill over into the lives of others.  He has in small ways already.

I wish that I could have written this yesterday, showing the hope that really was there at the end of that post.  But I didn't see it.  I was drowning, until Jesus stepped in, through the words of my friend, and drew me to His Word where He met me.

I rocked myself to sleep with that story from Scripture last night.  This morning, when I woke, nothing had changed.  Yet, EVERYTHING had changed.  It was enough.  It was so good.

God is so good.  I choose to believe that.  That He is good, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He will never leave me or forsake me.  I choose to believe the truth of His Word.....

....despite what my feelings may say.

May I look back on this post when I am down and depressed and see no hope and remember how He was faithful to me to fulfill His Words of healing, peace and freedom in my life.

Will you choose the truth too?  Will you choose Him?  Will you choose to believe Him and what He says about you, and how much He loves you?  Will you choose His hope with me today?

four hours...

Four hours.

Four. Hours.

That's how long I played the piano today.

Four.
Hours.
Straight.

I am filling in for our normal pianist for worship team. She had picked the music sets already for me, but there was a song or two that were really hard, as they were new and I had a hard time singing and playing them at the same time.

Did I mention they are also putting a mic on me at the piano? I'm singing too.

So, I pulled out the song that I couldn't sing AND play. Then I tried to fit in another song. Then that didn't work with the ones around it, and lo and behold, I kept only one of her songs in that set, and rearranged everything else.

It turned out well.

But it meant I really had to practice a lot tonight. So I started at 5pm after I was done with work. I played till almost 8pm took a 15 minute break, and then started rehearsal with the worship team - till 9:15pm or so.

It was hard work. My hands, fingers and arms aren't used to that hard work. On top of that, the grand piano at church has a harder touch than my piano at home, so I have to press the keys harder. Thus, more muscle work out.

However.

I spent 4 hours... on the piano... playing...
worship music.
playing and singing worship music.

To my God.

I may be exhausted. My voice is almost gone. My fingers can hardly type this. However, I think it was worth it.

God did something through that. The words must have sunk through to my sub-conscious. So, even when I was all worried about the chords and music and technical aspect, the truth about which I was singing somehow permeated me and touched my heart and soul where it needed it.

I didn't realize it till I got home.

I spent a bit of time with some friends, talking in the parking lot for a few minutes after I was done. Just hanging and finally relaxing from the day. It was a nice end to the day. Worship and then a little bit of fellowship and laughter with some friends.

I came home lighter than I went to work, by far.

God did that, folks. It was NOTHING I did at all.

I still have the same problems...
I'm still exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically....
I'm still grieving....
I still have guilt and the strong desire for forgiveness...

But God worked in my heart and reminded me that He still loves me.

One of the songs we sang talked about how God is mighty and strong to save.

"Oh what a Savior, freedom forever!
We lift our hands with chains undone.
Hearts have known mercy,
Cannot keep silent.
We sing a song of saving love."

Amazing words.
About our amazing God.

MY amazing God.

I am still extremely exhausted, but the very long day was worth it in the end...

My Father met me in a way I didn't expect and gave me a measure of peace tonight. It's enough to get to sleep with. I know He will give me enough for this weekend of crazy family stuff. He will give me enough to get through worship this Sunday, and He will use me to help lead others in worship. If I can do that, it will be more than enough.

Because He is more than enough.

He showed up for four hours.

Four.
Hours.

It was worth the time.

Beauty - worship

I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see there.

I mean, really look in the mirror. Not to fix my hair or clothes, but to look at my face, in my eyes and be able to appreciate my outward, physical appearance.

I don't mean this to be vain.

Like I said in my previous post, God loves me, I am His beloved. He didn't create just the inside of me. He created all of me. Inside and out. He knew what nose I would have, that my hair would turn gray early, everything about me - physically.

I guess this difficulty in appreciating my physical appearance has become more pronounced the more I have healed in how I look at myself over all. I mean, I really didn't like myself at all for so long, that it was a huge turn around to really love myself inwardly.

Now that I am loving myself there, how God created me to love and empathize with others... everything, I am seeing the double standard I have been holding myself to.

Liking one part of myself as I see it integrate with all I am doing, and hating the other part of me for how it looks and won't fit into what I want it to, or won't do what I want it to physically.

Some days are better than others. And by better, I mean that some days I am able to ignore the physical beauty or lack there of (perceived by my flawed eyes and standards, I know). Other days, I feel like it is totally staring me in the face and at the forefront of my mind all the time.

Something that I am starting - trying to do consistently - is something that Cindy challenged me to.

Every time I get in the car, and either I am alone, or the kids are quiet in the car, I spend the time worshiping and praising God. Literally. The whole time in the car. Not asking for anything. Not coming with a laundry list.

Worshiping Him.
Praising Him.

Try it for one day. I dare you!

Cindy reminded me that I would have nothing to pour out to anyone else unless I was filled. I also wouldn't have the right focus about my day, my self, my life and my looks, unless I was filled by Jesus. When I worship Him, I focus on Him, connect myself in relationship with Him, and end up getting encompassed by His love.

It's amazing the changes in my heart and mind as I have tried it the past couple of days.

I am not "there" yet, but I can sense a difference, not necessarily in how I view my beauty, but in how I am reacting to the lies I have been believing. Slowly the truth has been sinking in, and in the process, God has been giving me new things to explore and discover in the word.

More on that later.

I do challenge you to try to spend your quiet times, not just praying and requesting things, but to really spend it in praise and worship of God - who He is, what He's done, what He's doing - anything and everything. I can see that is is transforming and life changing... already, after a couple of days.

God's warmth and light....

The night falls so swiftly now.

Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!

I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.

I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.

How God met me in that warmth!

He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.

As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.

I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!

My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.

Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.

Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.

I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.

I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.

He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.

Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.

And then again....
Maybe He won't.

All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.

It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.

A family within a family.

Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.

The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.

It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.

God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.

He brings light from the darkness.

Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.

I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.

He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.

Concerts and Dancing...

These are parts of an email I sent out earlier this week to friends for prayer.

"Please pray for me for the concerts this weekend. I am nervous… This just feels a lot different than singing up front in church or even doing special music up there. I also really want to glorify God in this. I want the audience (and choir members for that matter) to not see me, but to see God in me. God is the one really singing through me. He has given me the song in my heart, and I just want it to pour forth, without my interfering. I want God to be made known and glorified above all else.

This has been a hard year all around, and for me it is just icing on the cake that God has given me the opportunity to sing this solo. And did I mention that the solo is the hymn “Be Thou My Vision?” A different melody, but the same words. I have tried to keep Him my vision all year… and it is the prayer of my heart that He and He only will fill my vision for the rest of my days.

I open with the first verse:
“Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart, Be all else but naught to me save that thou art. Be thou my best thought in the day and the night, Both waking and sleeping, thy presence my light.”
The words of the last verse that I sing…
“Be thou and thou only the first in my heart; O Sovereign of heaven, my treasure thou art.
O Sovereign of Heaven, Be my vision, O Ruler of all.”

Talk about appropriate! I can wholeheartedly say that I praise Him for this past year or two. The pain has been worth it all. I know there are still going to be struggles, and sufferings, and pain in ways that I can’t imagine right now. But God is sovereign. He is faithful. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and to Him I will cling."

Oh my friends, I don't know if I can make you understand the depth to which God answered prayers this weekend!

I gave God my voice, and asked Him to supply the breath and tone and words and confidence to get up there and sing.

He was the one who kept me going when I was scared to death and got that huge stab of fear as I realized it was time for me to walk out of the choir and stand in front of them to sing the solo.

It was God who helped me breathe when I needed to, so that I actually had air to sing. He was the one who helped me focus on Him and the music, rather than how it might sound or be received.

Saturday night, for the first concert, I had taken some of my anti-anxiety medication a bit earlier in the evening, to help me just make it through the concert without getting sick to my stomach. I think it helped take that edge off. Enough that the words of advice and encouragement friends spoke to me, actually got through to me.

Then Sunday morning...
God did something during the worship.

When I say He met me there at church. I mean He MET me there.

When we moved into our longer set of worship, the tone of the service had already been set, and I was already open and ready for Him to speak to me. I had prayed all the way up to church from my house. I had conversed with Him in my heart all morning.

As the music started, I recognized the song immediately. I have already posted it here (It's at the bottom of that post) "Made me Glad" by Hillsong. It has quickly become one of my favorites. Just proclaiming the truth about who He is, well, it lights a fire in me.

I am not overly demonstrative in how I worship... particularily in a corporate setting.

But this song... well, first it gave me goosebumps, then the tears started. I took off my glasses. And after that I quickly became oblivious to anyone around me. It was just me and God. It was all I could do to keep from jumping up and down, or falling on my face before Him. I didn't really know which way it would have gone if I'd had the room.

I wept through the rest of the worship music.

More than anything else, it was about surrender. I had already, the night before turned the concert over to God. Through the reminder of a good friend (thank you Shelly) and the prayers of another friend who sings next to me in choir (thank you Harry). They ministered to my heart more than they will ever know.

But Sunday morning...
This was something completely different.

I felt like I was on my face before God, handing Him my heart, turning it inside out for Him, so that He could get into every last area of it. My whole life, everything, the day, the concert later on, the week...

I remember saying in my heart to Him,
"Jesus, take it, take me... take everything I have, all that I am. Do what you will with it, with me. Here, have it, I don't want it anymore. I just want You."

I specifically prayed that God would help me to sing that afternoon in the concert. And to help me to do it without my anti-anxiety meds. But also to not try to do it on my own strength, based on how well I did the night before. I asked Him to help me stand up there that afternoon, with a confidence, not in myself, but in Him.

Oh my friends, I haven't had such a sweet time of fellowship as I did that morning. Not in a very long time. Longer than I can even figure. I couldn't stop crying, and at the same time rejoicing at whatever He was doing in my heart.

I wish that I could lose myself in worship of my Lord and King, my Savior like that all the time. I know I probably can't or I would just explode or something! I hope I never get used to that intimacy with Him, because I don't want to take it for granted. At the same time, I so want to experience that depth with Him more often.

Oh to feel His heart touching mine!
To hear His voice speaking into my being!

That incredible intimacy, of being touched and blessed in a way that only God can do.

There is nothing at all that even comes close to that.

Sunday I went to the church where our concert was being held. I warmed up with the choir, I got ready, I prayed. I sat down and continued to pray, giving it all to God... even the knot in my stomach.

After the intermission, just before my song, I got another stab of anxiety like the previous night. But I took a big breath and reminded myself that "the Lord is my confidence, my strength, my portion" and I stepped out of the choir.

Again, God helped me to concentrate on the music, and on the words, and on putting my heart out there with those words... showing who He is.

I noticed a difference in me this weekend. One of the biggest things was that I was able to accept compliments with a "thank you" rather than dismissing them, or brushing them off, or saying "it was nothing." I never used to be able to accept compliments, because I felt that I wasn't good enough to be complimented on anything. I also am so critical of my performances, that I can pick apart every one and point out the mistakes. And on Sunday, though I made a mistake, I was able to let it go. Really let it go! (my counselor would be proud!) :)



It wasn't until I got to my parents house in Milwaukee on Sunday night that I realized the gift God has given me.

My husband got a short clip of my solo, the beginning of it, and posted it to You Tube here, and then sent it to my mom and dad, and myself. My mom opened it last night, and called me and dad into the office.

I listened to me singing on the computer. We re-played it. Then my dad asked if it bothered me to hear my own voice recorded like that.

I realized that it didn't. I mean it really didn't. I was comfortable with it.

God's gift to me this weekend, wasn't only the getting me through the solo, and meeting me in worship... but something much deeper.

God did another redemption.
He redeemed some years that the locusts had eaten.
He restored to me my music.

Yes, I have been using my musical gifts to serve at church and in choir.

Even so, I can't tell you how much I have doubted what I was doing. I can't tell you the times I have picked apart what I have done, dismissed it as not good enough, with the words of my student teaching supervisor ringing in my head... "your musical skills are not strong enough." Those words reinforced in me the lie that I will never be good enough, so I might as well not even try to use what I have been given, cause it will never be good enough.... God won't be able to use what I have to give, I will never measure up, and on they go....

Oh, that is gone!

Did you hear that?

It. Is. Gone.

God has given music back to me. He has healed a huge wound in me that I didn't even realize was so raw yet. He took me, weak and trembling, and set me on a stage in front of the choir and audience and helped me to sing the song in my heart. His song.

Then He showed me I don't have to be afraid to use what He has given me.

He has given me self confidence. I don't like that phrase, but it is what it is. Confidence, not in me and what I can do on my own, but confidence in Him. A complete trust that what He has given me I can use. It's this sense of security I can't quite explain. I feel grounded, and unashamed of what I can do, un-apologetic, unafraid. Because I am grounded in Him.

I feel like I can walk with my head high, and it isn't an act.

Does any of what I have written here make any sense?

I sure hope so, because I so want you to realize what God has done for me, and how huge it is...

Maybe you can't... at least not with me, but maybe He has done something big like that in your life... so in those terms you might understand a little bit.

I have been on a long journey these past few years. It is moments like these, weekends like these, that make me keep going. They show me just how much God is capable of. They show me hope. They remind me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and trust Him in all things at all times.

These are the "dancing in the streets" moments... Just like David did before the Ark of the Lord. Dancing with joyful abandon.

Cindy keeps reminding me to keep my dancing shoes handy.

Oh my friends, I am dancing today!

Please dance with me!

Know that our God is more than able to redeem anything, and everything... and He longs to heal you.

If He has healed me and continues to, He can heal you too... surrender to Him and let Him work.

On the road, not just walking, but dancing with Jesus,

My First Source... Advent of Joy #8

“Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his ; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture."
Psalm 100:1-3

Last night was a tough one. I was tired (way over tired) and low and just not doing the greatest. I was unable to gather my thoughts. This morning, after getting some decent sleep, though not nearly long enough, I am feeling better today.

As I was resting yesterday afternoon, I came across Psalm 100. It just spoke to me. It reminded me to worship God. When we worship God, when we focus on Him, not our problems, and give Him the praise, honor, and glory due to Him it is a powerful thing.

Again, looking back at this last year, I can see the good things that God has done. He has sifted out the chaff, purified my faith. He has gotten rid of some of the parts of me that I haven’t liked. He has shown me other areas I need to keep a close eye on.

I am even dealing with some now. One of them being, taking good care of myself. Making sure I get enough sleep, eat well, and get exercise and accomplish at least one thing around the house a day. All of those things will help me feel better, and as Tricia would say, good tools to help me deal with daily stress. Good coping mechanisms.

It has been a challenge to sleep as I have been tossing and turning most nights. Last night at least I got 6 1/2 hours of solid sleep, with no waking in between. That was a start. Right now I have a load of dishes in the washer, and I have a few things cleaned up around here. I was also able to start the day with God. Those are really good things.

This year has had one really good benefit, besides showing me areas of weakness that I need to keep an eye on. This year has drawn me ever closer to Jesus. I have realized that God has to be my first source to go to when I am in trouble, when I am down, when I need help or insight or focus. One of my tendencies is to lean on other people around me. But God has been giving me a deeper love for Him and His word, and a greater desire to spend time with Him.

That is more than enough reasons to come before Him with joyful songs and shout with joy to Him! In this advent, awaiting the celebration of His birth, there is nothing more important than to wait with joyful anticipation.

I know in my head that the Lord is God, and I believe it in my heart. I want to cling to that truth ever more closely. He made me.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:13-14

That is another reason to praise Him. I am not a mistake. He created me, and I am his. He said so. (Isaiah 43:1) We all are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

He is our shepherd. He leads us and cares for us and guides us to restful places when we need it and leads us through the darkness when we are afraid. He is the light for our path. His word is our guide. His word in our lives builds a foundation, that when everything else starts to fall apart, we will always have. We won’t be shaken off of it, if we continue to cling to Him and His word. We need to be able to cling to His promises for us. Know and really believe that He will accomplish great things in our lives, and it will give us strength to continue on and persevere.

Nothing is better for my soul than remembering that He made me, that I am His. For that I worship Him with joy and gladness in my heart. That worship is good for my soul as well!

Praise... Advent of Joy #2

“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.”
Psalm 126:3, 5-6

I have done a lot of sowing tears this past year. There are so many ways that God has given me seed to sow. He has taught me great things, and I have sown them in my heart and mind. But it has taken a lot of tears, sorrow and struggle.

But the Lord has done great things for me. I can rejoice in looking back at the past year, at the past few years, and seeing the wondrous things God has done.

He placed me in a group of people who were willing to walk with me through my struggles. They were equipped by God to stick with me and love me through everything.

More than anything that has show me that God does focus His attention on me. He has taken what I have sown in tears, and grown it into a harvest. A harvest of hunger for His word. A harvest of joy in His presence. A harvest that I have been returning with… with songs of joy.
I know that though I am sowing some tears right now, He will turn this into an opportunity for me to rejoice. It will become an opportunity for me to testify to His goodness and rejoice with my family and friends. I will be able to fall on my face in worship before Him in praise and adoration.

In uninhibited praise and adoration, I can rejoice. All my frustrations, fears, anxieties, and pain fall to the wayside. I am able to focus solely on Him and not worry about anything else. Oh the freedom and joy I had in worship yesterday. Nothing else mattered but Him. The relief of being able to let everything go and just worship Him. That gave me true joy Sunday at church.

Even if it was only for a short time, I did have that moment of joy I needed. It really helped me refocus, at least for a while. I think I am going to need to focus on some praise and worship to bring myself to a point where I can have some more joy of letting it go, and trying to trust that He knows what I need and will provide.

"Yes to God" chapter 3, Ms. Confidence

When I first started reading this chapter on confidence, I really wasn’t identifying with it. I mean, I feel so insecure most of the time, that I don’t feel that I can really pull off a view of confidence. But as I read further, I realized where I do cover up, at least the major area.

As I performed more, especially with singing, and with music of any sort up front, whether that is at church now, or when I going to school for music education, I had to put up a front of confidence as I walked on the stage. It didn’t matter how much my knees were knocking together.

I remember back to being a freshman in high school and entering Solo-Ensemble competitions, and though I felt very insecure, I had the “front” of being put together, perfectly groomed, well practiced, and completely confident. But inside I was a mess. I had to “research” what was going to happen. I had to know what I was expected to do, and have it all planned out in my head, along with all the possible variations, so that I could anticipate what was going to happen and not be thrown by something unexpected.

One of the only things I felt reasonably confident in all my life was my vocal skills… my singing. When I went through student teaching, I was told my musical skills weren’t strong enough.

That just about killed me.

I didn’t want to use any of my musical skills for anything. I didn’t do much singing at church, or anything for a long time. When Dave and I finally settled down in the church we are at now, I was asked by the pastor to sing a solo for the Good Friday service. I was extremely nervous, but as I didn’t know many people at the church, I figured I could risk it. I was able to stand up there and sing in front of the whole church.

Then they asked me to lead the music portion of the Vacation Bible School for that summer. I was terrified! I couldn’t get up there and be responsible for teaching the kids songs, opening and closing the VBS for the day… I couldn’t teach, remember?! My skills weren’t strong enough!

I learned the songs really well. I learned the sign language and other movements to the songs. When the kids got there, I got them on their feet and learning the songs.

Everyone out in the church saw a confident, vibrant young woman, leading their children in learning songs about Jesus. They saw someone talented in music, joyfully sing and worshiping God with their children.

What I felt was completely different. I was terrified, afraid the kids wouldn’t respond. I picked apart all the mistakes I made. When I was home each night, I would practice and practice the songs until my husband could sing them with me. (Poor man, he’s a nurse not a musician… I think I drove him nuts!!!) :) I figured that if I could learn the songs, and be prepared for every possible outcome, mistake, or whatever, then I would be ok.

I was a nervous wreck all week.

I ended up doing the same for the next 4 years or so that our church did VBS. I even was leading the music at another church in the area (I had been doing that church for probably 6-7 years by the end) for their VBS. The more I did it, and practiced, in reality, the better I did. I could appear more confident.

But it was a face I put on each time I got up there in front of everyone. A lot of times, either on the way to the church, or on the way home, I would cry the whole time I was in the car. But no one else saw that. They couldn’t. I couldn’t let anyone know where I was at.

Lisa said in her book “Behind Those Eyes,”
“Confidence can’t be layered on with our clothes for the day, and it can’t be taken off or removed by anyone else when it is truly present.”
During my VBS experiences, and any of my other “performing” opportunities, I have layered on confidence. I have practiced, I have thought about every angle of the situation I was walking in to, and I prepared myself the best I could for every possibility so I wouldn’t be surprised, and I would be able to handle any change thrown at me with apparent ease and confidence.

Lisa also said,
“We are disillusioned into thinking that what we do is what makes us confident and strong.”

I have continually done that. I have thought that if I get out there and perform more, if I work at a different job, if I weren’t a stay at home mom, that I would be confident. I have worried about how to help my kids have confidence enough to go out among their peers (yes, I know, they are only 2 and 4) and not be scared about relating to them, as I have been scared about relating to my peers.

But really I have been learning that “the opinion of anyone else pales in comparison to what He thinks of us… (and) what we accomplish on this earth can be gratifying but does not make us who we are.”

For so many years I have hidden how I feel on the inside about going up in front of others. So many people come up to me and say that they could never do what I do. Little do they know I force myself to do it each time. I force myself because I don’t think that I can really do it well, but people would be disappointed if I didn’t do it. Who would I be, if I didn’t perform? People recognize me as the singer, and so “singer” is what I am.

But “singer” is what other people identify me as. It isn’t how God identifies me, my real identity and real person-hood come from Christ. Like Lisa said, the things that I do aren’t what define me. I am slowly learning that, but it is incredibly hard.

I can’t tell (usually) others what I am feeling. I am afraid to let people know that I am apprehensive at best, and fearful at worst of getting up to sing, specifically when I am in a leadership or teaching position. A lot of times, when I try to express those thoughts and feelings to someone, they dismiss them, because they have seen me doing it before, with confidence. They just don’t really believe that I could be that fearful and insecure about something that is in my area of gifting.

So, I find myself doing much of what Lisa quoted Paula Reinhart as saying,
“You can’t shut down on the inside without quelling the very passion that makes the journey worthwhile.”

I hide my feelings of fear and insecurity… I ignore them, build walls around them, and instead put up the mask of confidence. And the very thing that gives me joy; music, singing, piano playing; has the passion taken out of it. If I am singing at home for myself, I find great joy in it, especially when I am worshiping God. If I am trying to appear confident in leading the church in worship, I am so concerned about the appearance, and the technical details, that I don’t get any joy out of it, and worst of all, am unable to let go and worship my God.

I know that isn’t what God wants, but as of yet, I don’t know how to change it. I try to be open with a few people around me, but because I have done some sort of music for so long, and helped with music in the church since I started going there, most of the time, they don’t understand how I could be so afraid of it, lacking in confidence, and so afraid of rejection.

I didn’t realize that I would be so touched by this chapter… I wasn’t looking at it from an area of my gifting and expertise until the end when I was doing the study questions. It is going to be a challenge for me to be open about this, and to try to figure out a way to really let someone know that this is an area that is so full of fear of rejection for me. To help them really understand where I am coming from.

If you are interested in learning more about Ms. Confidence from others reading the book “Behind Those Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle, please join us at Lelia’s blog to read her post and see who else is involved. I pray that you will be blessed like I was!

Dancing in the streets!

God has done so many things recently in my life.

All last week, as you may have noticed in some of my earlier posts, I wanted to run. I was blocking out God and didn’t want to think at all. But God was preparing me.

Saturday I started a new book, and through it, God spoke to me. As I read, I realized that these two gentlemen who wrote the book were putting into words all my thoughts and feelings that I haven’t been able to get into words. I have tried. But this was different. Even as men, they understand the matters of the heart, and how much our hearts need to be connected to the rest of us. We need to have our hearts caught up in the wild, untameable love of our God.

Such thoughts, and more, were filling my head as I went into counseling on Monday. As I talked with Tricia, I was able to talk to her very honestly about some things that had come up as I read the book. It was amazing to me that I avoided even really dealing with God all week long, but Saturday, when He finally got through to me, it was through this book. And literally I read all day… read half of the book! And journaled about it, and all the things that were hitting me.

As I talked with Tricia, I felt like the whole conversation was being guided. Guided gently and lovingly by God. I didn’t realize just how much until much later, after the session. The things we talked about, things in my history, quotes from the book, issues it brought up, issues in relationships… it all came out, and once I got over some initial anxiety that I always have, I really felt held and safe and secure.

I even brought something up that I had been purposely avoiding. I was concerned about her reaction, and if I would be able to clearly explain what I meant. Every time I had thought about it the night before, and even talked it out, out loud (thank goodness everyone else was asleep) it just came out wrong.

I finally emailed a friend the night before my counseling session, and asked her to pray because I didn’t know if I should even bring the issue up in counseling or not.
Much sooner than I thought in the session, God just brought it up, and it fit right in with what we were talking about. And I even told Tricia that I didn’t want to say anything. I remember just looking away from her as I tried to describe what I wanted. I was afraid of looking at her face to see her reaction.

And God gave me the words to say. He was gracious to me. He relieved my fears through Tricia, and by words that she said in response to my comments. I just don’t have the words to express it right now. I really don’t have the words to express how God touched my heart in such a profound way.

Today, the more I thought about the session, the more I realized how God has worked and moved in my life in the past month. I can hardly believe it. A month ago, I had been out of the hospital for only a week. I have had so many things that have happened since then that before would have thrown me over the edge. And they haven’t.

Today I took my friend Cindy out for lunch, and we were able to just rejoice together for the things that God has done. Amazing things. Awesome things. Dancing in the street things. God has given me strength. God has given me healing in amazing ways.

“O Lord my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me.
O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.” Psalm 30:2-3

This is practically a direct quote from my heart to God’s heart. It was a promise He gave me months ago. It is a promise that He has fulfilled. It is a promise that He is going to fulfilled.

Like I said: Dancing in the streets!!!!

More blessings upon blessings…

He has given me a friendship in Cindy that I have been praying for, for years and years. He has released me from so much of the bondage that has held me in captivity for so long. He is growing me up. He is teaching me how to release my heart to Him. He is just doing amazing things.

He is giving me promises for the future. He is showing me my mission field here and now, and He is showing me hope for the future. He has shown me that He is willing to give me the desires of my heart in His timing.

He is giving me sisters in Christ, that though we can’t be close now every day, we can have a connection through prayer and by knowing we are sisters in Him. But that is more for a later post…

I sat in Beatitudes this morning, and tried to thank Him for what He has done. I was just blown away. I still am. My heart is filled to overflowing with how He had helped me and held me. Desired of my heart have been answered, fears have been relieved. Prayers prayed for others have been answered. Amazing things He has done. Amazing things He will do.

My God, My Jesus filled my heart with so much hope, it’s all I can do to keep from crying right now. Our God is so good!

Yes, I know that I will probably still have bad days. God doesn’t promise that we won’t have trouble. But with Him we can get through it. With Him I can get through it.

I can hardly believe the joy that is filling my heart right now! God is so amazing! Ok, so I am going to cry, I can’t stop it, but these are tears of joy.

For the first time in a long time… tears of JOY!!!! Joy at what He has done. And complete humility that He has done it for me.

The storm...

How do I describe what has happened over this past week?

Last Sunday to this Sunday has been a night and day difference.

God has done something major in my heart since then. As I am watching the first thunderstorm of the summer coming in right now, it seems fitting to liken it to a thunderstorm.

Last week I felt all foggy, lethargic, and unable to focus. Much like it is before a storm, the stillness in the air, the humidity, the impending disaster…

Then the storm hit over last weekend. I felt assaulted on all sides, unable to think, unable to claim my thoughts captive. I couldn’t even pray and ask God for help. I felt like the storm had taken down all my lines of communication.

When I went to church last Sunday, the storm was at it’s worst. When the service was done a good friend could see my distress, though I was really trying to hide it, and took me somewhere quiet to talk. After talking with me she wasn’t convinced that if she let me go home that I would be safe.

I was in so much pain that I was frustrated at the time. Because all I wanted to do was leave. All I wanted to do was end the pain, yet I am grateful to her for listening to God’s Spirit speaking to her heart.

After an hour of prayer with the leaders of my small group, and some consultation with my counselor, I gave in to their encouragement to be assessed by the emergency department at our local hospital. My friend drove me there, and stayed with me through the whole process. In between doctors and nurses going in and out, she sat by my side, held my hand, held me and cried with me, prayed with me, read scripture to me through tears.

The end result was admission to the hospital, the same place I was back in October.

When I woke in the morning, after only about 4 and a half hours of sleep, I couldn’t believe that I was back there again. I felt alone, drained, tired, and despairing. I couldn’t read the bible, couldn’t pray… as I have mentioned in my previous post. All I wanted to do was stay curled in that bed and cry.

But. God. He started working. I don’t even know how, but he started working a song into my head… that I couldn’t get out all day. I could only remember the chorus.

“All of you is more than enough for all of me,
For every purpose and every need;
You satisfy me with Your love,
And all I have in You is more than enough.”
(Chris Tomlin - “Enough”)

I heard the song only 2-3 times prior to entering the hospital. So, I know now, looking back, that God planted that song in my head.

Through that day, through the other people there, God spoke. I received use of my laptop, so I was able to send out emails for prayer support. Being able to write, feeling the joy that filled my heart as I did so, gave me a confirmation that I need to write somehow. I felt like God was telling me that I needed to share my pain, struggles and victories with others. To give others the hope that I am starting to see now.

By the end of the night, I was able to pray, read scripture… the restoration of that was an incredible freeing of my heart!

The next morning I was left in charge of deciding if I was going to discharge myself, and go to my counselor appointment. Though it was tough, I made the choice to leave. It was good to be able to see Tricia, and have her help me work through some things so that I could come out of her office more stable than I went in.

After that, it was like the clean, cool air that sweeps in at the tail end of the storms. Slowly through the rest of the week, that cool breath of air, the breath of the Spirit sweeping through my head and heart, cleared my mind, heart, and soul.

Friday, I went back to my counselor’s office, and through meeting with her again another theme came up. Not only has God used that song “Enough” in my life through the week, but God has used many sources to speak to my heart about forgiveness.

He used my quiet time earlier in the week. He used Kimberly at “A Planting of the Lord” speaking about forgiveness in her post. He used Joyat “Ponderings” by having her send me an email about forgiveness. He used my counselor, Tricia by having her give me a hand out on forgiveness.

Hmmm, forgiveness.

“Really God? FORGIVENESS???”

“Yes, forgiveness,” said God.

Somewhere, somehow through this storm this week, God has softened my heart. He made me realize that I needed to forgive. He showed me that even though I could feel the emotions of pain at the hurt inflicted, I still could forgive… let go of the cold emotions and the bitterness that has bound me, and this other person for so long.

What freedom it brings to have forgiven, and to have verbalized that forgiveness to the other person! Again, it doesn’t mean that I might not grieve over things, or that I might not experience the feelings of pain again, but at least I won’t be holding on to the bitterness. Not anymore. And if the enemy tries to bring it up again, I can look at Friday and say, “No, I forgave and I will not be drawn into bitterness again.”

And this Sunday, I was able to stand up in church, and sing, leading the congregation in praising God that He is truly more than enough for all of me… I was able to freely stand, and freely worship, in a way I haven’t been able to in a long time.

The storm came, the storm blew through… and God, my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer, lifted me out of the slimy pit and set my feet upon the rock.

May I continue to cling to Him and trust in His deliverance, His faithfulness, His trustworthiness, His love… I choose to trust that He is always with me, and will always work things for good in my life… even the bad stuff. I have to trust that He will bring me through this.

I am not out yet. But I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is getting brighter.

Other struggles stand in my way,
but if God can get me through this far,
He can get me the rest of the way.

Brokenness and Grace...

“To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ.” Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, pg. 86

Recently I have been broken. And I have stood in need of grace. The grace of God to get through. I don’t know that I can share the details now, they are too painful and too close. This weekend and early week has been devastating in many ways. It feels like the pieces of my heart, that were being healed together (see HERE) got shattered even more. The big piece that has been in Jesus hands as He has been working it into my heart, to heal, feels like it is tearing things to ribbons.

Maybe Jesus is healing that piece into my heart. And what comes now is the grieving and forgiving. To get wholly healed and pliable in His hands, don’t we need to be able to grieve through our losses, but to also forgive to let go of that pain? Then we can be truly used. That is when we fall to our knees in desperate pain. That is when we know we are truly alive. On our knees, on our faces before God, broken and fully aware of that brokenness… we are truly alive. Because we know that only by God’s grace can we stand up again. Only the grace God gives us, to heal us, fill our emptiness, flesh out our bones, will make us become more like Christ.

This weekend was about falling flat on my face and falling apart because I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I couldn’t hold together the facade of everything being alright, when it wasn’t. I couldn’t stand the pain of what God is trying to do in my life, and I just wanted it to all stop.

And stop it did. I stopped. I found myself flat on my face, in an unexpected place. Unable to move. Unable to breathe. Just hurt, scared, trembling, awash with emotions that I couldn’t deal with.

God brought me to the point of realizing that I am incredibly angry with Him for allowing things into my life that never had to be. He could have prevented them. He chose not to. I don’t know why. Just realizing and admitting to myself that I am angry with Him took my breath away, and even my will to live.

My faith was shaken to the very core. The pain has been so much a part of me for so long, that to finally let some of it out, nearly drove me over the edge, but for a few close friends who could see what was going on. This pain is in the process of being let out, and slowly grieved through. God is giving me grace when I so desperately need it, so that I can continue on this journey, this journey towards healing, and forgiveness. Full and total forgiveness, with no holds barred. I am not there yet. But I am closer.

This weekend with my faith so shaken, I couldn’t pray; I just cried. I couldn’t read the bible; I just cried. I couldn’t even yell at God; I just cried.

I explained to someone that I was fearful that I was losing my faith. All of these things I have felt and experienced have brought it down to a faith issue with me. I feet all alone, left alone by God, because of my anger at Him, and because I have distanced myself from God the Father.

This person, whom I deeply respect, quoted part of a verse to me, “Faith is the evidence of things unseen.”

I kept thinking, “Faith, the evidence of things unseen?! My faith is the evidence or proof of things that are not seen, things like God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, truth, grace, love? I sure am not doing a good job of being living proof, when I can’t even pray, when the faith I thought I had in God feels like it is completely gone!!”

She continued on to talk to me about how I felt so completely alone, and that my faith was gone. She reminded me that feelings can be very powerful, but I don’t have to do what the feelings seem to be telling me. I don’t have to believe what the feelings may be telling me. If I am feeling abandoned by God because of other situations, even if that feeling is overwhelming, I don’t need to be ruled by it.

I guess that is where faith comes in. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I am still struggling with my faith. I still feel very alone at times. I am not far enough away from the events of this weekend yet. Even so, I can see that God has worked and moved in my life amazingly. He took me from a heap of brokenness on the floor in the morning, to being able to stand by His grace, and touch someone else’s life through reading scripture and praying with that person, by the evening of the same day.

I found the entire verse after searching for a while today:

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

My faith wavers like a little flame that is trembling on the edge of going out. Yet God has used it, even in my brokenness. He gave me grace. And through that grace, I looked a little bit more like Christ to that person, who God touched through me… a broken vessel.

I am so fearful. Of the future, of the might be’s, of the unknowns that come in this world. I can’t control them, and I am afraid. I can’t be perfect all the time, and I am afraid. I am afraid that not being in control, and not being perfect means that I am not good enough, that I am insignificant and can never get anything right.

BUT…
“Who shall separate you from the love of Christ? What are you afraid of?
Are you afraid that your weakness could separate you from the love of Christ? It can’t.
Are you afraid that your inadequacies could separate you from the love of Christ? They can’t
Are you afraid that your inner poverty could separate you from the love of Christ? It can’t.
Difficult marriage, loneliness, anxiety over the children’s future? They can’t.
Negative self-image? It can’t.
Economic hardship, racial hatred, street crime? They can’t.
Rejection by loved ones or the suffering of loved ones? They can’t.
Persecution by authorities, going to jail? They can’t.
Nuclear war? It can’t.
Mistakes, fears, uncertainties? They can’t.
The gospel of grace calls out: Nothing can ever separate you from the love of God made visible in Christ Jesus our Lord.
You must be convinced of this, trust it, and never forget to remember. Everything else will pass away, but the love of Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. Faith will become vision, hope will become possession, but the love of Jesus Christ that is stronger than death, endures forever. In the end, it is the one thing you can hang onto.” Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, pg 86-87

What more can I say? Can I stand in faith this weekend, in front of church, and sing “You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You, is more than enough?”

My God give me the grace to stand, in spite of the brokenness, and look a little more like Christ. Even through the tears of pain, knowing You could have prevented this, help me to worship You, who you are, and praise you in the midst of the pain and loss. Oh Jesus, fill me with your joy, and make my joy complete in You. Wipe away the despair that nothing will change. Instead, fill me with Your faith that is the substance of hope, and the evidence of things not seen. Guard me and guide me. Help me to sing and lead in worship others who may be hurting as much or more than I am. Help me to be transparent in my brokenness, so that Christ may be seen through those cracks. As you have shown me in many ways, my legacy is brokenness, so that Your grace and love and strength may be shown to others, that it is not by my strength I stand, but by Your might. May that be evident this weekend. Cover me with Your feathers and I will take refuge under Your wing. Even when it hurts. Amen.

I have to trust...

I have been going through a Beth Moore devotional on the life of King David. About a week ago, we started hitting the point in his life when he sinned with Bathsheba. We discovered all the ways that he first of all put himself in danger of sinning, then the ways he tried to cover it up, and then finally his reaction when he was confronted with his sin.

I wonder how many times we quench our consciences, the Spirit of God speaking to our hearts, and instead do what we want to because it is easier? It was so much easier for David to stay at home, rather than gear up for war, and head out into the field. It was so much easier to ask his servants who that woman was, than to turn his mind to the wives he already had in the palace with him. It was easy to let his mind wander into paths that were wrong thinking, when this woman that he saw was the wife of another man. It was easier on his pride to cover up what he had done, and get Bathsheba’s husband killed, than to confess it openly and ask forgiveness.

However, I was so caught by David’s reaction when the prophet Nathan confronted him. David immediately said that he had sinned against the Lord. (2 Sam. 12:13) Then when he was told that the child Bathsheba had born was going to die, and it was struck with a deathly illness, David prostrated himself before God. He wept and fasted and spent his nights lying on the ground.

When the child did die, David got up and ate and cleansed himself. No one understood, but David said it was because he hoped that while the child was still alive God might relent. Now that the child was gone, nothing could bring it back, not even his mourning for it. It makes sense. Once something is gone, there is no way you can get it back. David probably did continue to mourn the loss of his child. There is no parent I can think of that could ever go through the loss of a child without mourning it’s loss for a long time. But David knew that one day he would be with his child, that he would go to his child, though it could never come back to him. (2 Sam. 12:22-23)

In the study, it brought the point home that had David not experienced this time of extreme pleading and weeping and fasting before the Lord, he wouldn’t have been in a place to comfort Bathsheba later (2 Sam. 12:24). His pleading brought him to a place of complete dependence on God, which is where God wants us all to be… dependent upon Him alone. One of the many quotes from Beth Moore that I love follows.

David’s restored relationship to God enabled him to comfort his grieving wife. When tragedy hits, if we cast ourselves on the Savior and rely on Him for the very breath we draw, we will one day get up again. We will even have the strength to comfort another mourner.
pg. 296

Beth Moore talked briefly about how it might have looked when David fell on his face before God, and not only pleaded for his child’s life, but also just plain worshipped God. What was it like when he finally returned to public worship of his God? She asked a question of us as we walked through the study.

Have you ever returned to the Lord in worship after a painful loss that you believe He could have stopped? If so, you may view your return to worship as one of the most difficult and painful experiences of life. I suspect David would concur, but his return restored his sanity.
pg. 296

I thought about that. What painful loss have I suffered, after which I returned to worship? To worship a God who I knew could have prevented the pain I was experiencing?

Most recently, a loss that ended up driving me to a week long stay at the hospital, still has me in pain almost every time I go to worship. When I hear or sing certain worship songs about who God is, the all-knowing, all-loving God, it hurts deep inside because I know that He could have prevented my pain. I wrestle with the “why” questions. We may never know why something happened. I may never know “why” I needed to go through such pain. Why would a loving God allow all this in my life? Why I am going through such pain right now. Probably the more accurate question is “how?” How am I going to get through this? Am I going to do it on my own, using my own knowledge, my own coping mechanisms? Or am I going to allow the God, who let all the pain happen in the first place, to get me through this, and to heal me through this? I am still struggling. I don’t know the answer.

All I know is the first month out of the hospital, and back at church, in public, corporate worship, I couldn’t sit anywhere but the very back of the church; where I could escape out to the lobby to regroup and calm myself down. I cried and sobbed through every worship song, trying to sing, but unable to, because of the heavy burden on my heart, trying to stand up, but finding it impossible because of the grieving I was going through. As I look at it now, I can see the anger I had (and sometimes still have) towards God for letting this stuff happen to me. The things that put me in the hospital, the depression, and other things in my life that contributed to it, that contributed to my getting to the point of wanting to commit murder… wanting to commit suicide.

I hate admitting that I am angry at God. It makes me feel like a fool, and a failure as a Christian. Yet at the same time, I have to be honest. Somehow I have to cling to the hope that God, my Jesus, will get me through this. Somehow. I don’t know what He will do. I don’t know who He might help through me… whether it be through these rantings and ravings on my blog, or in person (!!!) I just have to trust that He has a plan. If He kept me alive, then He has to have a plan for me, or this is all for nothing. And I don’t think that I could bear all of this being for nothing.

I don’t know where this thread of hope comes from. My friends can be with me, encouraging me, and praying for me and lifting me up before the throne of God above… but when I am alone is when it all really counts. Somewhere deep inside there is a part of me that wants to believe that there is a purpose here, even when I am despairing. Something inside wants to believe that there is a reason that I am going through all of this, and that whether I see it or not, my experiences may be helping someone else. Maybe I will never know how. I guess, in the end, I really don’t need to. That is the hardest thing about all of this.

I just have to trust.

It sounds so easy doesn’t it. It sounds like a platitude. But it isn’t.

I have to trust.
Or there is no hope, and then life is meaningless.
I have to trust.
Or there is nothing to hang onto.
I have to trust.
Or maybe death is the only way out, because life is worthless.
I have to trust.

I can’t believe that this pain is all there is.

I HAVE TO TRUST

My Jesus...

My mother and I were talking in a wonderful restaurant in Madison yesterday. As we sat in the quiet dining room, for an early dinner, we were really able to share our hearts.

Though she had read my recent blog about my most recent counseling session, she had questions and wanted to know more. I was able to share more details, and impressions, that have, if anything gotten richer as I gain distance from the experience.

While we were talking, something new came into my head. Or rather, it gained focus, and came to my conscious mind. I think I had realized it earlier, but not with the clarity I did as we talked.

For the past few years I have referred to God, as God, or maybe Father. I think, now it is because I could hold God at a distance. He could love me, but only so far. He could get close, but only so close. He was distant. I knew He loved me, and desired the best for me, but it was distant. Somehow I lost the sense of His personal involvement in my life.

I have seen God work in my life in the past few years. I know it was Him and not a coincidence. I know, and can point out, specific things that would not have happened, or would not have come together, without God’s direct intervention.

But in my counseling on Wednesday, I wasn’t sitting in the lap of God the Father. I was snuggled in the lap of God the Son. Jesus. It was His scarred hands that held my heart. And it was God the Spirit that He breathed into my heart.

Suddenly, God is personal, close. He is Jesus, not just God or Father… but my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer. I have allowed Him to directly hold my heart. Let Him in closer than ever before, with complete access to my whole heart and life.

He is my Light.
He is my Hope.
He is my Lord.
He is my Immanuel.
He is my Prince of Peace.
He is my Messiah.
He is my Friend.

He is my Jesus.

Revelation, Transformation, FREEDOM

“O Lord my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me. O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, to the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.”

Psalm 30:2-3; 5; 11-12

How else can I start a post that describes what God did for me yesterday in my counseling session?!

For those of you who remember my post “A box buried deep” I talked there about a dark box that I was so afraid of opening. A box that I had stuffed so much into, that I have barely been sitting on it keeping the lid closed. Since the beginning of March, Tricia and I have been trying to get at that box, get into it and open it. Each time we have tried, we have hit a block, either I have been struggling with getting there, even approaching it, and last week I hit such a wall of fear that I got overwhelmed and my emotions shut down. I just couldn’t continue.

Tricia said that we needed to get that box open this week, and I agreed with her. I was scared, but I knew that I finally needed to deal with this. One of the things that I needed to tell her was that recently I realized I have been putting up walls. I didn’t want to tell her, but I did. I said to her that I have found myself putting up a wall recently when I have been coming into her office, and I knew that it wasn’t helping our therapy any. She agreed and then asked why. I told her I realized I had been doing it since she had talked about moving out to seeing me every other week, rather than weekly… my thought process went something like this:

“I need to protect myself. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to be hurt by Tricia, or feel abandoned or rejected again, so I need to protect my heart.”

When I told her what my thoughts had been, she sighed and sat back in her chair. She knew what it took for me to tell her, and just admit to her what I had been feeling. It was so hard, because I genuinely like her and respect her. I didn’t want to disappoint her. I also, I guess, was afraid that if I told her she would do nothing about it, and just try to explain it away. She did explain it, using examples from her own life. Her experiences have helped her recognise, in her clients, some of those same things that she has struggled with.

And then Tricia said, “Heather, I need to apologize to you.” Just hearing those words was a balm for my heart. I could feel the knot inside relaxing away. Seeing that she truly was remorsful that comments she had said caused me to put up walls, ended up wiping away the walls I had up, even coming into our appointment. The walls were just gone. No rubble to clean up. Just vanished.

She assured me that she wasn’t going to push me out, or make that decision for me. She wants me to make that decision when I feel I am ready. After yesterday’s session, that may be sooner than I thought it was ever going to be!

We moved right from her apology into our therapy. I was ready then, if still scared. My trust in her was restored fully, and so I was ready to follow her leading.

Let’s just say, the following things are the most important details. What really changed me, from the inside out.

I got to a point where I just couldn’t go on, and I said out loud, “God I can’t do this!” (Tricia spoke to me then, “Yes you can Heather, you’re safe here, just let it come”) and then internally I said, “God you have to do this for me.” I cried, sobbed, and felt so unable to go on… all I could see in my mind’s eye was this awful black box. Then, it was one of those moments where you look away and when you look back something is there… in that moment, my God, my Healer made a transformation.

The black box was changed from this dark, battered, dirty box, to a pristine white gift box, tied with a red bow. A present. For me.

Now, that isn’t too scary to open.

One minute I was looking at this box, hardly daring to believe it was for me, and the next I was seated, with it on my lap.

Seated… on the lap of my Savior. Cuddled against Him with His arms around me, holding me. And I looked into the box. It was a red heart, resting on a bed of white tissue paper, shattered. Broken. Unmendable.

Unless you know my God.

One minute the shattered heart was in the box. The next minute, I saw Jesus holding it in His nail scarred hands. I was still cuddled in His arms, His hands ever so gently holding that heart… MY heart… and putting it back together like a puzzle. Slowly taking a piece at a time from the box, and mending it. It was recognizable as a heart. It had holes, was tattered and torn, but in most places you couldn’t see the cracks anymore.

There were still pieces in the box, but I got the sense of patience. Just waiting for Him to decide which piece to pick up next, and where to put it, and how to heal it into place in my heart. All I have to do is wait for Him to mend me. Let Him choose what piece to pick up next and heal. Let Him do it. Not me. HIM!

Then I felt Him lean over me; over my heart in His hands, and breathe. He breathed His Spirit through the holes left in my heart. He filled me with His breath of life. With that breath, that heart in His hands, MY heart, became soft and pliable… in His hands.

And I know, in my head and in my heart that I am safe in His arms.

For the first time in my life, I don’t have to run from Him. He saw all those pieces and hurts I had been stuffing into my box. I didn’t realize then, but they were all pieces of my heart, as it was hit, battered… the pieces that broke off, unmendable, I pushed into my box, unable to throw them away, but not wanting to get cut by their sharp edges anymore.

Talk about emotions overflowing. Most of this happened without words, without Tricia even knowing what was going on, except as she was prompted to pray for me. That is what is so incredible about this therapy. Tricia didn’t even need to know what was going on, unless I told her. SHE didn’t “do” anything! It wasn’t manufactured, it wasn’t forced. It was my emotions flooding out and seeking healing. Tricia facilitated, but GOD did it all. He spoke directly into my head and my heart, and made connections between them that weren’t there before.

When I was finally able to sit up, and tell Tricia what had happened, what I had seen and felt, she started rejoicing. I think I was still in shock!

I am starting to come out of my shock now, and am realizing that it wasn’t all in my imagination. This really happened.

God showed me yesterday that I don’t have to run from His love. I can stand and accept it, rather than push it away after only so much of it. I can go towards His love. I can climb up in His lap, cuddle with Him and receive it deep into my heart. Because now there is a living, breathing, pliable, able to love back, heart inside of me to receive love into.

He has renewed His covenant with me. Reminded me of His sacrifice for ME, by His nail scarred hands. Showed me that His love for me isn’t dependent upon how much I love Him back, or even if I receive it. He loves me because He chooses to love me. Nothing, not the box, not my past, not my hurts or my choices, will cause Him to back off or leave me alone.
He will never walk away!

Do you know how long I have heard that said to me? “He is always with you. He loves you. He won’t walk away, or leave you, or forsake you.”

It NEVER sank in all the way. NEVER!!!

Until yesterday. Until this morning. Until this afternoon… when I realized that this change has gone deeper than anything else before in my life. This change is different. This change caught me at the very core of my being, and I feel real again. I feel like me. And it’s OK! I am OK, not because of anyone else in my life, for once, but because of God, I am OK!!!

Oh God, I don’t want to lose this! I don’t want to lose this memory of who I am. Because of You. Who I am in You. You have blessed me immeasurably. You are uncontainable, indescribable, and Your love is unfathomable. Yet, You gave me a taste of it yesterday, and I was able to receive it. I was able to taste and see that You are good. I praise you for that. I praise you for renewing your covenant with me. Thank you God for restoring to me the joy of my salvation! You have returned me to a place of joy that I haven’t been in for years! It’s so much deeper than “happy.” You have brought me to a place of not needing to know why bad things have happened to me in the past. You have brought me to a place of knowing that, yes, hard times will come. Bad things will happen. I may struggle with depression the rest of my life… but it doesn’t matter. You matter. Praise You for starting the teaching deep in my heart that I CAN trust You. That You DO work everything, good and bad, for good. The results are good. The results cause me to praise you! I can finally start to lay down my load, my burdens, and pick up Your’s, because Your’s is so much lighter and easier to bear. I don’t have the words my Lord to express the emotions that cause these tears to run down my cheeks. I am unashamed in this moment. Unafraid. Released from the prison of my past that the enemy has kept me in for so many years. Thank You, my Lord and God, my Savior, my Friend, my Jesus. I love You. Amen and Amen!

Act of worship...

About a month or so ago, our pastor did a sermon series on worship, what it was, the depths and heights of what it meant to be able to worship our God. There were some things that I had never thought of. I am only going to touch on one here right now, but maybe sometime down the road, I will be able to share some of the other stuff.
One of the things he mentioned was worship is not just being in church and singing. We tend to call our church services “worship service” and we even have a time during the service where we lead in worship. We title that time in our bulletin “worship in song” and I think that alludes to the truth that music, singing, etc. is not the only way to worship. We are worshiping God with our lives and the things we say and do all day. We are doing that by bringing the glory and honor to God with our actions, thoughts, words, deeds… no matter if we are shoveling out a cow stall, collecting garbage, changing a diaper on a wiggly baby, taking care of our kids, walking outside in the sun, or leading the singing at church, or preaching a sermon. If we are doing what God has placed in our lives to do, equipped us to do, we are worshiping Him by doing those things to the best of our abilities. Using our gifts, and especially using them to show that it is God, not us, that needs to be honored and admired for them, is a sincere act of worship.

Today, I did a little bit of that. I have been sick from the stomach flu. I woke up this morning, feeling weak and tired and worn. But I had to get up. I was supposed to help sing on the worship team this morning. I got to church, still feeling under the weather. I let people know what I was dealing with, and asked for prayer. My associate pastor said to me, “Then you have been given a great opportunity today, haven’t you? To allow God to be your strength.”

Those words stuck with me as I made it through the rehearsal, and then through the beginning two songs of the service. Then it was time to get up for the longer set of music. When I got up there for the first song, before the music had even started, I was feeling light headed, dizzy and sick to my stomach. I started singing (barely) and just closed my eyes and said (internally) “God, only with Your power am I going to be able to make it through this set. I am too weak and tired to make it. Please help me and give me the strength. Take my body and my voice and make them what You want.”

Within 2 measures of the music, I started feeling better. I was able to allow God to just fill me and use me. I didn’t feel any powerful feeling in me, or even anything “significant” other than the ability to concentrate on the music, and a lifting of the feelings of dizziness and sickness.

Someone might say, “Well, your blood pressure was low, and so when you stood up to sing you just got lightheaded, and once your body readjusted, you were better.” Yes, someone could say that. And it might be true. But God gave me His strength when I needed it, and the presence of mind to ask for it. HE was the One who steadied out my blood pressure. Because HE is the One who made me and knows me inside and out.

“I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 My act of worship today was to just offer myself up to God to be used, and to trust that He would see me through the service at church today so that I could honor my commitments and honor Him in the process. And isn’t that all that God asks of us? To show up where He calls us to, and to say “Here I am Lord, send me… use me… strengthen me… enable me.” What better form of worship can we have than to give back to Him the life that He gave us…

Our God answers prayers...

I have to keep this short, as it is late, and I need to head to bed. But I just wanted to let you know that our God does answer prayers. I have been praying for 2 years that He would help me and heal me, particularly emotionally. I told our community group that just in the last week, even as I despaired of ever hearing an answer, I finally started to see the beginning of the beginning of the answer. Its just one tiny inch down the road to recovery… but it is there.

Sunday I had to sing for worship team up in front of the whole congregation. I have been doing this for years now. It is pretty easy for me to get up there, sing a song pretty much by rote and just get through it. I was up there singing on New Years Eve. When I got done, a gentleman in the congregation who acts like a father to me, came up and gave me a hug and said I seemed so distant and disconnected, and in a world of hurt. I agreed with him, but was unable to explain. This week as I walked up there, I didn’t feel much different… just get up there and sing. Well, as I started to sing, God just lifted me above all the pain, hurt, depression, junk, and weight I have been carrying around. My only focus was on God. He lifted my head, He took me beyond my capabilities, and just surrounded me with His presence. I almost could have cried for joy. I was able to worship Him freely, my heart was bowed down before him in awe as my hands were raised in joy of being able to do even that. God did it through me. After the service, again my friend came up to me and put his arm around me and gave me a huge hug, and said to me, “You were beautiful up there. Just beautiful!” And I knew he didn’t mean the outside. We talked tonight, and he said that he could see the change in me. And for a moment that morning, I say hope.

I don’t know if it has to do with the counseling I received earlier in the week. That helped me start to see that I am lovable, and likable and smiled upon by God. And I think it is starting to sink in a little bit. Please keep praying for me that it will continue, that God will continue to lead me and guide me and hold me and heal me and keep me safe through this growing process.