God's warmth and light....

The night falls so swiftly now.

Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!

I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.

I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.

How God met me in that warmth!

He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.

As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.

I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!

My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.

Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.

Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.

I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.

I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.

He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.

Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.

And then again....
Maybe He won't.

All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.

It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.

A family within a family.

Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.

The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.

It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.

God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.

He brings light from the darkness.

Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.

I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.

He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.

Bombardment, trust and a steadfast mind...

Yesterday, I was longing for a break.

We’ve had some stress the week with getting our heating fixed after our dishwasher flooded and shorted out what ended up being an easy fix that was overlooked the first time (just the thermostat).

We had a lot of time with family. It is very good, but sometimes the “people time” can get a bit noisy and overwhelming.

I really was longing for a break.

Another stress that I have had is my beloved coffee shop has changed hands. I know, it doesn’t seem that big, does it?

All I wanted to do was run away to my coffee shop, to my hidden corner table and sit and read and pray and cry. Well, with the new management, the shop and bookstore were rearranged. So, unfortunately, I lost my private corner. It will be interesting when I try to go in there for some quiet time, and find myself needing a good cry!!!

I have had a wonderful break this week with the relatives in town. They were so anxious to see the kids, that there have been several nights where one, if not both of them have been out at the farm. It has been a blessing.

Today, as Dave was working downstairs, and heading to work, I hand washed the dishes (no dishwasher till next week) and decided that I would take my daughter to the coffee shop. I wasn’t sure how she would do… but where I was able to sit, there was a direct line of sight to the “kids area” where they have a small table to draw on with chalk, some dolls and books, and blocks, etc.

She was so good. She gave me 2 (!!!) hours. She sat and played and I was able to read the bible a bit, and look outside and just soak in the atmosphere and try to relax. It worked some. (the relaxing, that is…)

I guess the longing for a break wasn’t so much needing a break from the kids, or anything else really.

Rather, it has been the bombardment I have been under for the past week. Mind and heart focus on God has been the exception rather than the rule. I have been having a really hard time keeping my focus where it needs to be.

So I guess that I am having some difficult times, and would really covet your prayers.
I know that as I move out and away from counseling… well, I have said this before. I really need to kick in with the things I have learned and keep going.

I had a really great quiet time the other day that talked about 2 things I really needed to hear.

One was talking about the difference between the rich young ruler and Zacchaeus. The rich young ruler stopped short of fully following Christ, allowing his love of his possessions to cause him to shrink back.

Zacchaeus, though he also was rich, did everything he could to get close to Jesus, and when Jesus approached him, he gladly welcomed Him into his home. And then gave away half his possessions and paid back with interest anyone he stole from.

Zacchaeus pressed in to following Jesus, doing whatever it takes. The rich young ruler backed away.

One of the things that Beth Moore said in the study was that Jesus doesn’t want to take away our possessions, He wants to be our greatest possession.

Jesus doesn’t want me to shrink away from Him because I feel something is too demanding or too difficult; He wants me to press in hard and continue to follow Him. He doesn’t want me to feel that He is trying to take things away from me. He wants to become the only, all important, thing in my life, so He is the focus, not my finances, possessions or the lack thereof.

It was a blessing for me to hear that… and a challenge.

A blessing, because it was a reassurance that He really isn’t going to “take my fun away,” like many people think might happen once they become Christians. He just wants to be number one. Which is where He is supposed to be.

A challenge because it was a call to follow Him deeper, farther, with more passion and conviction than I have before. I might suffer for that deeper following, deeper conviction. But He still wants me to follow Him with more passion… suffering included or not.

He has given me a deeper desire for His word. In the midst of struggles and decisions, I have a deeper longing for His word. I want His word deep in my heart and mind because that is what is going to keep me strong in the midst of adversity.

Please pray for me so that I can withstand what feels like a storm in my soul. I am able to continue to live my life, which is such a blessing and so different from a year ago.
Please pray that I will continue to seek God, and seek his Word, and be able to memorize it. Pray that I will find the time each day.

Pray that I will rely on Him and Him alone, rather than my own strength.

Pray that I will be able to make the continuous decision to trust Jesus in all areas of my life, no matter what they look like.

I want to trust with my heart so my mind is steadfast.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.”
Isaiah 26:3

"Yes to God" Chapter 9... Flawed yet forgiven

Right now I am sitting in Beatitudes. Beatitudes is a coffee shop. This coffee shop is the realization of a dream that a Christian woman in our community had for years. After years of trying and praying she was able co-rent the space with someone who wanted to open a bookstore. What goes together better than coffee and books?

The walls have interesting artwork, warm colors… strategically placed table lamps and track lighting, soft music in the background, tables and chairs arranged in conversation areas, free wi-fi (hence my being able to write this here). This place has become a haven for me. A safe place. A place where I walk in and immediately relax.

If I could I would transport you all here. It is so much more conducive to conversation. I want conversations with you. To really see you all face to face, not just blog to blog… I want to share my heart with you. I want to share with you some of the things that this chapter stirred up in me. I will do the best I can through this medium. But, I want so much for you to see my face, to be able to get the expressions, and really be able to see my heart and know the depth of love I have for Christ, for you… see, words are failing me already. Only a hug and my tears can express what I am feeling right now.

When I say tears, I mean it. I can hardly hold them in right now, in this public setting with people around me.

To see how this book, “Behind Those Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle has impacted others lives, visit Lelia, and follow the links there to others blogs… (thank you Lelia for setting this all up!!!)

At the end of the chapter, Lisa wrote:
“While Satan would love for you to believe that you are too flawed and too unworthy of forgiveness, Jesus wants you to know that nothing could be farther from the truth.”

As I have worked through things in my counseling… all these different issues, hurts, lies… all the time I have felt I was too flawed and unworthy of that incredible forgiveness Jesus extends to me. As each issue was dealt with and healed, I got a little closer to believing that though I had these flaws, God still forgave me. Then the next issue would come up, and I would feel again that THIS sin, or hurt, or issue was the one that God wouldn’t forgive.

Now that I have seen His consistency in forgiving me, cleansing me, each time… well, I find myself more eager to fall on His grace and mercy, knowing it is going to be there to hold me up, rather than be pulled out from under me at the last minute.

The healing I have received this year has served to bring me ever closer to Him. The flaws and pains that have run so deep… as they are healed, His balm of forgiveness and healing has gone just as deep, to fully heal them.

Like Lisa said,
“…when I first realized in my heart and it began to sink into my soul that being so deeply flawed left me with the ability to be forgiven by God equally, the flaws suddenly felt really important to the process.”

Yes, I am going to continue to sin. I can struggle against it, but I am not going to be perfect. I am not going to be able to live without mistakes. But God’s grace, love, acceptance and forgiveness will cover over all that, and heal and guide and correct me.

(A side note for you all, now I am writing the rest of this at home, at my desk… wish you were here so we could gather in my living room and talk… but I said that already… ok, back to work…)

In counseling last year, I started with an issue that had plagued me and caused me a lot of pain. At the time, I saw it as an isolated incident. Now, I am not so sure.

In college I became friends with a young woman. We were both Christians, but very young in our faith, and both been hurt in our past. We both acted our of our hurt.

As Lisa said in her post today, “My new unspoken motto became, ‘I’ve been hurt, I am hurt, and I will live my life, acting out of that pain.’"

I think that was our unspoken motto. I never realized it at the time. She was very needy and manipulative, and I needed to be needed by someone.

We started down the road of sin. You know the one. Where once you have stepped onto it, you suddenly start to slide, down and down, until you hit the bottom with a gut wrenching crash and look up and wonder how you got there in the first place.

Somewhere down in that muck and slime, God pulled me out, and gave me the desire to distance myself from that sin, and from the friendship that kept leading me back there. I looked at what I was doing and shuddered, as I was doing it! I kept getting sucked back in. God kept after me. Finally after probably a 2 year struggle all together, I finally was able to make a clean break and walk away from that friendship.

I walked away, pushing it down, burying it. I was angry at her for her influence and how I allowed her to control me. I was angry at myself for knowingly taking steps and doing thing that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt were wrong. I hated her, and I hated myself. But I couldn’t express that, so I tucked it away with all the other hurt and anger and hatred.

When I started the counseling, we ended up approaching this situation first. I was scared to death. I walked through it using EMDR with Tricia. I left her office that Friday night, very shaky. I didn’t really realize where I was at until I was on the way home, feeling nauseous. All weekend I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t function. I called her office Monday, and got an appointment with her the next morning.

After a couple of appointments that week, we were able to revisit the scene, the image I had in my head. It was shameful and humiliating, trapped and made powerless by my own choice. I could see the image, vividly, but then it was covered with a waterfall of His blood. I could almost feel it pouring down on me. I felt like I was standing under the waterfall.

Literally, Christ’s blood pounding down on my head and shoulders, drenching me, head to toe.
Oh, for the first time I felt clean from that sin! Really clean. And I knew. I knew that I was forgiven. I knew that all God saw was the blood of His Son, cleansing me. It was a powerful image. I can still see it now. I can still feel it now.

I find it ironic, that Lisa’s “Getting Real” section would be to commit to praying for someone who hurt you. Because I read that. Last week. Then I got in the car to go somewhere. As I was about to get on the highway, I said out loud… in my car…

“I could never pray this for HER,” thinking of that young woman from college. Guess what? That is exactly what God wants me to do. Surprise, surprise! (sigh)

I have been resisting it all week. I finally made myself sit down last night and work my way through the study guide more carefully, last night. Then I journaled. As I did, God started speaking to my heart. He showed me a huge root of bitterness, still lurking there.

I already forgave her. I already felt God’s forgiveness. But, He reminded me of something we had touched on in counseling, and brought it into focus. The bitterness, anger and hatred that still festered was related to her. I realized I blame her for bad choices I made after our friendship was over. I was hurt in our friendship, and again, I reacted and made other choices out of that hurt.

For better or worse, I blame her, and that ties me to her, as much as covenant marriage vows bind me to my husband.

A year ago I was dealing with that friendship, at the beginning of counseling. Today I am dealing with that friendship, at the end of counseling.

I called my dear, sweet friend Cindy tonight, while the kids were in their bath. (Actually, in your time, it was about 3 paragraphs ago.) I expressed to her that I was writing this post. I also told her where I was at in dealing with the ramifications of this relationship… and was honest.

I told her that I had been stiff-arming God all week. I have been going to Him in other areas, and following His guidance through them, except this one area, all week, knowing what He was asking. I have been telling Him, “NO!!”

Cindy said that she would be praying for me as I processed through writing this post. And as I dealt with the emotions that were coming up as a result, the hurt and anger. I was literally shaking as I talked to her because of where I was at, as I wrote this.

She challenged me to pray for my former friend.
Before I finished writing this post.
Oh, I didn’t want to hear that.
But I knew she was right.

I nearly cried right then and there. But I had to go, get the kids out of the tub, do the bed time routine of, read, snuggle and pray… and then…

…while I laid in bed next to my daughter, I prayed. I asked God to show me how to pray, to guide me in even what to pray for, because I didn’t want to. I was honest with Him. I know that He already knew how I was feeling, and that I didn’t want to pray for her. But I needed to say it.

Then I was able to pray for her. I prayed for her faith, her family, that God would bless her, and then I felt led to pray one more thing for her:

That she would find help like I did, and come to full healing in Christ. That she would find freedom in Christ. That she would find all the love and acceptance she ever needs in Christ. That she would find what I have found in this past year.

I didn’t have a name or word for it then, just this feeling in my heart of hearts.

Now these words are just pouring out of me, and though there are more than I have here, all the words in the world simply cannot describe the indescribable.

…Truth. Peace. Joy. Healing. Freedom. Redemption.Blessing.Love.Acceptance.SignificanceHopeSecurityForgiveness…
I pray she has found
who she is in
…JESUS…

Espresso drinks and normal?

Espresso drinks and normal?
Posted by hkudla under Books, Emotions, Family, Heart, Thoughts (edit this)

Today was just a nice day. The kids got me up earlier by far than I wanted to, but Dave was home with me all day, so that was OK.
We hosted our small group tonight from church, so I finished cleaning the house as much as I could this morning. Then I had to run out to get some last minute groceries. Well, you have to know what happened then….

I asked Dave if he would be ok with the kids if I went out. I wanted to go to Beatitudes (our local coffee shop/bookstore that does incredible gourmet lunches) and then grocery shopping… being the WONDERFUL, SWEET husband that he is… he told me to go for it. I could hardly get ready fast enough!!!
I grabbed a couple of books, my bible and journal, my purse and grocery list and scrammed before anyone could change their mind.
Beatitudes is a bit of heaven for me. It really is. I walk in there and relax immediately. I don’t know if it is the coffee house jazz music playing, or the smell of the coffee, or the new book smell (always a heavenly one for me since I was a kid…) or maybe it is a combo of all 3. That place just has a sense of peace and this calming effect on my heart, every time I walk in there.
Today was no exception. Even though they were getting crushed by their lunch rush (that happened out of nowhere) I felt that I was moving at a slower pace. I didn’t care that the first 5 minutes I was there, I had to wait till someone was free from making drinks to take my order. I just looked around and took in the sights and sounds, listened to the murmured conversations and sprinkling of laughter.
When I was able to order, it was an iced breve… that is 2 shots of espresso over ice, a splash of hazelnut, and caramel, and top it off with half and half… ok, so its not exactly in the low carb diet plan that I have been trying, but neither was the AMAZING panini I had for lunch either! There is no going wrong there.
I sat down with my drink at a table in the corner, and started to read. Not much more than a few minutes later, I got a tap on my shoulder and there was Cindy! I totally didn’t expect to see her, because she had told me that she had loads to do that day at home. But she had to come into town for a meeting, and stopped by the coffee shop to have lunch with her husband and some friends. We chatted a few minutes, and then it was back to reading and eating and journaling.
By the time I got home with the groceries, I was jazzed on the caffeine, and the kids were in bed. I was able to do some more journaling and processing… but I am saving that for a later post maybe.
Peter got up first, and came and climbed on me (so much for writing and reading) and then he helped Marina get out of her room (she can’t open the door yet herself)… So pretty soon it was a pile of kids and cats on mom… on the love seat of course… not the couch where there is more room!! The love seat… meant for at most 2 people, or in our house, one person and one cat. Usually just one cat.
We had our whole small group together tonight. And it was so nice. One of the couples had been out east in Connecticut for the funeral of her father. I hadn’t seen them for almost 2 weeks now. It was wonderful to catch up, and just get into each others lives again.
And you know what else? It was nice to feel almost normal with them again. I didn’t feel like I was hiding anything, or putting on a “happy” facade, or putting on a “depressed” facade. I was just me. I was happy, and there were a couple of times I was melancholy. But it was OK. So what? I may be starting to hit some PMS mood swings, but you know? It’s OK. And I was OK.
That is HUGE after all I have been through in the last 2 weeks. Because it was 2 weeks ago tonight that I started going down hill, and ended up in the hospital 3 days later.
I told my family (because that is what our small group is, my family) that the weekend that I went into the hospital is so foggy. I can tell them sequentially what happened.. but it feels like it is all a fog. It’s really weird how that is. I don’t understand it. The only way I can explain it is that I feel like someone was clouding my mind, clouding my thinking, keeping me from thinking clearly… under attack, I suppose.
Anyway, back to my point that today felt good. Really good. Even though I am stressed about playing piano for worship team this week, and have some things that I think God is pointing out to focus my energy on next, I am starting to understand what “normal” feels like. What an amazing thing to feel functional, more than functional, and capable of taking care of my family and kids.
God has given me the gifts He has, to raise our kids, love and honor my husband, minister to others, and to live my life in the victory He desires me to. Though many times I don’t feel free, I am and I know that I have to claim that freedom. Today was a taste of it, even amidst some mild mood swings, and cranky kids. I had a taste of what normal might be like, and what freedom could bring.
I want more.
(more of that iced breve too, by the way!!!!)