She Speaks and She Sleeps!! She Speaks Part 5

I headed towards Amy's room, hearing voices and laughter floating down the hall towards me. My steps quickened without my realization, as I came closer to where I knew God had placed me for that weekend...

I walked into the room and saw chairs arranged to face a music stand at the front of the room. I was greeted by Amy, and met Danielle for the first time. She and I had been corresponding the last couple of weeks. We had run across each other's blogs just before we found out that we were going to be in the same speaker evaluation group. How awesome is God?? I also saw Monica, who I met earlier that afternoon (was that really the same day??) on the shuttle ride from the airport. Katie came in shortly after me...

...and the room slowly filled with these women...
...these wonderful women of God...

...all on different roads...
...all different walks of life...
...all different stories...
...all the same amazing, awesome, God and Lover of our Souls...

Only God could have orchestrated each of the evaluation groups as He did that weekend. All the stories I heard, all the different types of people He put together, either from similar backgrounds or completely different... depending on what we all needed....

Amy Carroll was such a blessing. Her laughter and her understanding and compassion touched all of our hearts I think. She immediately put me at ease. So, though I was still nervous, I was able to settle in and relax in her presence. I praise God for her, because she was exactly the person our small group needed to lead us.

We were all relatively novice speakers. Some had been speaking before small groups, or in/around their churches. But from what I remember (and any ladies reading this please correct me!!!) none, did it very regularly.

It was a night of our telling of our stories to each other. Introducing ourselves some, where we were from, what our families were like, etc. And then we gave our testimonies. "Our Story" talks, 3 minutes in length. They were timed to give us an idea of how quickly things could go.

It was very good to get our feet wet, when we all were so hesitant and I think, truly nervous about how we would be received. I was blessed so much by everyone's story. It was amazing to hear the heartaches, the victories, the struggles, the sadness and the extreme joy that they all, we all, had tasted.

For me, it was so relieving to share my story, and to find only acceptance and love. I mean, I laid it all on the line with the first sentence.

"October, 2 years ago, found me in a hospital be, on a suicide watch. This wasn't exactly what I had anticipated when I became a believer."

Yes, I did start out that way. And no, I didn't hold anything back.

It wasn't the time or place. I had asked God to show me what to say, to give me the words, to change things at the last minute if He had to... and this is what He wanted me to say that night. To share some of how I had become a believer, but also some of what I had gone through the past few years. So, how could I hold anything back.

When I walked into that room, my tiredness had melted away. Probably because of the adrenalin kicking in.

Needless to say, after meeting all these beautiful women, and starting to share my heart with them, and starting to see the bonds we shared with each other.... I WAS WIPED OUT!

I got back to my room and dumped my stuff, and in the process, realized there was a blogger meet and greet going on downstairs.

I headed down there briefly, and caught the end of it. The main reason I went down though was to catch up with Lee and see how her night had been. We got the chance to talk some, and I got to meet Susan (a.k.a Runner Mom).

Then the fatigue set in. It wasn't even tiredness, it was beyond exhaustion.

I don't think I was even intelligible by the time I got to my room. I remember vaguely talking to Katie. I think. I got my clothes ready for the morning (I think) and headed to bed. I was asleep so quickly, and so soundly, I never heard Katie working on her 5 min. talk in the other bed, never heard her shut off the light... nothing.

Not until the alarm went off in the morning to get me up....

Then it was time to get up and start a new day. I was looking forward to all I would learn and the people I would meet, and the ways that God might speak to me this day....

(to be continued)

HE heals and HE promises... She Speaks Part 4

My breath caught in my throat, fresh sobs welled up as I found my name, and read the name of God by which it was so lovingly placed...

Jehovah-Rapha
The God Who Heals.

My thoughts raced back through the past few years. I remembered God has done some amazing healing in my life.

I cried tears of thankfulness for all that He had done, but I have to admit that for a moment, I almost felt disappointed. I saw the significance for my past in that, but what it meant for right now didn't sink in right away....

....I don't know why it didn't, I guess I am a slow learner....

I wrote down the scripture references on the back of my She Speaks book they gave us and went back to the chair where I had left my things.

I sat down and soaked in the peace in that room. I started thinking about heading back to my room to rest.

Then it hit me.

Yeah, I know you were probably already thinking this by now.... I said, sometimes I am a really slow learner!!!!

The God who heals.

The God who HEALS!!!

Here I was feeling so sick, anxious, exhausted, and just plain icky. I was getting more and more depressed and questioning why I was here...

...when God reminded me that He is the God who heals.

It wasn't that I felt immediate healing then. I didn't. It was a promise.

He has healed in the past.
I cried out in desperation to Him.
Why wouldn't He answer me now?

He knew better than I, what I was going to be needing that night, and the rest of the weekend. He knew that all I wanted to do was hide and not interact with anyone else for the rest of conference. But He also knew what He had planned for me.

I needed Him. More than anything, I needed Him. I needed a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me.

I got it in His name.

Jehovah-Rapha.

That flash back that I had, of the past years of healing. I don't think I consciously thought of it then, but now looking back at that night, I think it was planted then. It was a reminder to me of all He had done.

He had been with me.
He had strengthened me.
He had enabled me.

If He did it in the past, why wouldn't He now?

I sank back into that chair, crying, still feeling sick and tired. Begging God to make me feel better so I could get through the night. I picked up a slip of paper to write a prayer request, and as I tried to write, explain where I was at, what was going on, and ask for prayer... I could barely see for the tears.

I signed the prayer request, dropped it in the waiting bowl, and leaned back in the chair.

I wanted to pray, but couldn't seem to get two thoughts together coherently. I cleaned myself up a bit, and someone else walked into the prayer room and sat with her back to me on the other side of the room. I sat for a few more moments, but now was distracted and self-conscious again, so got up and left the room.

I cleaned myself up better in the nearby bathroom.

I realized that the dinner was just letting out so everyone could go to their break out sessions. At this point, I still was planning on heading to the room to rest. However, I had to walk past the room where my break out session was going to be held. As I started to walk by, I saw that the room was just starting to fill up with people.

I saw the speaker standing, getting ready.
I also saw there was a chair, at the end of a table, right near the door.

It was like I was drawn to that room by a magnet. I told myself I would sit for a little bit, and if I felt worse, I would be able to slip out. I sat down.

Shortly after that, the only other person from my church who came to She Speaks, came up behind me. Dawn and I only found out the other was going for sure, about 6 weeks before the conference. I had talked to her about it in January, and then forgotten. I signed up, then she did too, and we didn't mention it to each other again, until a mutual friend told me that she was going.

Dawn offered a seat near her. I told her what was going on, and that I wanted to be near the door in case I felt worse. She said ok, and then asked if she could pray for me.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and prayed right then and there. Needless to say, the tears started flowing again. I couldn't stop them, and by then, I didn't even try. When she was done praying she gave me a hug, and made her way back to her seat.

I sat back down as our speaker was introduced. I knew her, though we had never met...

Micca Campbell.

I had worked through her book, "An Untroubled Heart" this past year in a blog book study. I knew her story, and felt like I knew her heart.

Her session was titled, "Fear Not."

Hmm. You think that God wanted me there???

The verse she spoke on was from Isaiah 41:9-10

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant;' I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(emphasis mine)

Did you see the bold words there? Do you remember how I said that I needed to see a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me?

Several of the things that Micca said that stood out to me was that it is so easy to focus on our own weaknesses, but if we ask God, He will strengthen us and help us. She said to quit thinking about what I can't do, but think about what HE CAN do.

I don't think I need to say anything other than that. How to I expound on that? God drew me into that room, and didn't let me get up through the whole talk. At the end Micca said something, and I don't know if this is a direct quote or not, but this is what I was prompted to write down.

After she expounded on the point of "I will uphold you." I wrote this:

"I can DARE TO DREAM because He is with me, and He is for me."

That session strengthened me to go on through the night. It was like God was speaking directly to my heart. In that session, He WAS Jehovah-Rapha. He brought healing to my fears, strength to my body, and confirmation to my spirit that He had called me here. It wasn't some imagining of my own that got me here. He brought me, drew me, provided for me to get to Charlotte, NC.

I felt the sickness in my stomach subside some. I was still shaky, but it wasn't the "I'm gonna fall over dead if I don't sleep," shaking anymore.

Looking back at it now, I can see that God was working in me to heal me. He was saving me from the sticky fingers of cold fear wrapping around my heart. That coldness of fear that would have kept me from learning and growing, and pressing ahead through the weekend. God took my heart in His hands once again, and breathed His Spirit through my heart, making it living flesh.

I was still scared.
But I left that meeting room resolved to go and face my fears.

I walked towards the elevator (did I mention I HATE elevators?!) and rode up to the 11th floor, to meet my speaker evaluation group, and our group leader, Amy Carroll.

I headed towards Amy's room, hearing voices and laughter floating down the hall towards me. My steps quickened without my realization, as I came closer to where I knew God had placed me for that weekend...

(to be continued)

She Escapes and She Breaks... She Speaks Part 3

The longer I had to sit around that table, the worse I felt. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I spoke to Katie, and excused myself from the table....

My plan was to head for my room. I was going to skip out of the break out session, and instead try to get some sleep before our speaker evaluation, because I felt like I couldn't even think straight. When I am over tired, and don't have enough sleep... especially when I have had a severe lack of sleep and lots of activity... well, it's not so pretty. I get physically ill, and non-functional.

I didn't want to start my weekend that way, so I figured, in my own understanding, that I had better go get some sleep.

I headed out of the banquet hall, and started walking down the hall towards the atrium and elevators. The further I got from the hall, the worse I felt. I stopped at one point to figure out where I was, and where my break out session was supposed to be, and saw a room marked "Prayer room" on my map.

I sat down in a chair, and paused to take a breath, figure out the time, and try to figure out if sleeping would really help me. Or should I really try to find the prayer room?

Finally I got up and wandered back towards the hall and book table. I argued with myself the whole way. Then I saw it.

The banner that read:

The Prayer Room.

I remembered Lee telling me, just after we met each other, that she had seen my name in the prayer room, and I was going to like where it was placed. When I asked her where it was, she said I had to go into the room to see for myself.

I stood outside the prayer room for a few minutes, then turned to stare unseeingly at the book table while I tried to make up my mind about what I was going to do.

At that point I was feeling so vulnerable and ready to cry, so tired and strung out, that I was about ready to crumple into a heap.

I remembered Lee telling me that there were different names of God scattered across the tables in there, and that each person had been prayed for, and their names were placed by the name of God that God impressed on them.

I was very curious to see where my name was, that Lee had seen. I wanted to know why she was so excited about it. But I argued with myself that I had no time to do this. I needed to sleep so I could function for the rest of the evening. I didn't have time to "waste" in the prayer room.

Ha!
Time to "waste?"

Finally I gave in to curiosity, and really to God's prompting, and turned toward the prayer room door.

I felt God literally pushed me to the door. I opened it, and cautiously looked inside.

Seeing the room was empty, I walked in and let the door shut softly behind me.

I stopped for a moment near a chair and let the silence soak into me. The room was lit softly, there was gentle music playing the the background. There were chairs scattered and grouped around... along with plenty of boxes of tissues. (This was a women's conference after all, they had to know there would be tears!)

I just felt God's gentle Spirit wash over me and rest on me. I fought the urge to worry about someone else come in behind me, and just stared at the cross in the middle of the tables in front of me.

As God's Spirit fell on me, I hardly noticed as the tears started falling. I remember crying out to God, out loud...

"God, I can't do this! I am so tired and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through this conference distracted and hurting and tired. I want to hear from You!"

I was overwhelmed by the fear and anxiety that had been niggling at me all day, that I had been fighting with the Word of God all day, that the extreme weariness had finally let through. I sand into a chair, with this utter feeling of helplessness, crying... sobbing.

I pulled myself together some, and finally got up, and faced the tables. I was determined to find my name among 600 others, to see what God wanted to tell me about Himself.

It was a relief to let some of those tears out. I knew God was making my heart more tender. He was using every encounter with other people, every time I forced myself to introduce myself to someone new, every moment I was willing to surrender to Him, every talk I heard or book cover I read, to open me up. All I had been asking Him to do, up to this point was show me one thing that He wanted me to come home with.

Still with the tears flowing (though not as hopelessly as before) I got up and started reading the names of God, and scanning for my name among the hundreds there.

Then, finally I found it.

My breath caught in my throat, fresh sobs welled up as I found my name, and read the name of God by which it was so lovingly placed...

(to be continued)

She Listens and She Eats... She Speaks Part 2

The air was electric, and the sense of the Holy Spirit settling on this place was palpable...

Katie and I walked into the main banquet hall and found a table with room for the two of us to sit. It wasn't long before Cheri Keaggy was leading us in some songs and worship. Then the P31 team came in dancing to "We are family." They were so funny!

It was really awesome to see them all come in together. They all got up front and Lysa introduced them all to us and shared how much it meant to be working with all of them and to be truly family.

I remember sitting and listening to Lysa talk that night about "Finding your own remarkABLE."

You will have to remember that I was running on little to no sleep. I had been up since about 3:30am. It was a long day already and after dinner I still had a break out session and my evaluation group!

Some of the things that jumped out at me was one part where she asked what blocked our personal revival. Eventually my mind connected that with a statement she said about what do I think about more than Jesus? She brought up the verse in Jonah 2:8 that my friend Cindy has commented to me several times. (Ok, more than several times... it seems to be a theme lately)

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs."
Jonah 2:8

So what is the thing that I think about more than Jesus? What is the thing that is holding me back from following Him with all of my heart? What about me is like the rich young ruler.
Wanting to follow Jesus, wondering what I still lack, and then when I hear it, am I willing to make the changes necessary to give up what I value above HIM?

I am still thinking about what it is that I value above my Jesus.

I am not 100% sure yet.

It could be my comfortable life.
My comfortable home.
My comfortable family.
My comfortable routine.

Hmm... my comfort?
Isn't Jesus all about us getting out of our comfort zones and jumping out of the boat to walk on the water with Him?

The other thought from her talk was summed up this way.

What are the things that we all go around saying, "I have to..."

I have to make supper for the kids.
I have to clean the bathroom.
I have to get groceries.
I have to go to church.
I have to spend time with God.
I have to go to work.

When you start saying those things with the "I have to" phrase, don't you start resenting those things you "have to" do?

I start thinking about all the things that make demands on my time, and wonder if any of it is really worth it.

Lysa challenged us to change how we said those statements. To think about those things we "have to" do with thankfulness.

I am able to make supper for the kids.
I am able to clean the bathroom.
I am able to get groceries.
I am able to go to church.
I am able to spend time with God.
I am able to go to work.

Doesn't that change how you look at those things? It sure does for me. Suddenly it makes me aware of how blessed I am to have these different things to do, and how blessed I am to have the health, capability, and opportunity to do these things.

I want to re-write the script in my mind that I don't "have to" follow after God, but I am "able to" follow after Him.

What a powerful way to open the conference.

Following that, we had our dinner. I must say the food was excellent all weekend. I never felt hungry.

But that night, the more I ate, the worse I felt. I started feeling light headed. I could feel my stomach getting sick. My tiredness, exhaustion really, was catching up with me. So was my anxiety about the evening and my first talk I had to give.

The longer I had to sit around that table, the worse I felt. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I spoke to Katie, and excused myself from the table....

(to be continued)

She Travels and She Meets... She Speaks Part 1

How do I even sum up... I don't think I can.

My weekend at She Speaks started with a drive down to my parents house on Wednesday afternoon.

I felt tired and distracted leaving home, so I stopped in Steven's Point, about 20 min. from home, at a park by the Plover River.

It is a beautiful park with bridges over the river.

And wonderful places to curl up at the edge of the water and reflect.

Which is exactly what I did. I curled up and rested and prayed, and asked God into this whole weekend.

I had a great deal of concern about my talks, and how it was going to go. I was worried about being there without really knowing anyone. But at the same time I kept praying that God would speak to me. I headed into the conference with fears that He either wouldn't speak to me, or that I wouldn't understand it.

I spent time that afternoon praying that God would show me what He wanted me to hear from Him... and that He would speak it in a way that I would be able to discern. I asked Him to open up my heart to Him and help me rely on Him.

Little did I know how much He would answer those prayers.

God has a way with that doesn't he?

I wish I could say that I took loads of pictures. Unfortunately, well, I didn't. I kind of forgot to pull it back out until Saturday night. And then I only took a couple of shots, and then took it out long enough to get a picture with my evaluation group, and Amy Carroll, our evaluation group leader.

Go figure... I guess you will just have to use your imagination. :)

I had to get up at 3:30 am central time on Friday morning. I knew it was going to be a long day, but I had no choice because my plane left from Milwaukee very early. I flew to Detroit, and switched planes for the flight to Charlotte, NC.

The plane flights went well. I had no trouble with connections. Only with anxiety. I was fine with the take offs, but I started to get nervous about the landings, because I just get a bit motion sick. But as soon as I started praying, God just took the anxiety away, and I could feel my spirit just calm down. I took a couple of pictures of the plane for my kids (who have never flown before) and made a teenage boy laugh next to me because I was trying to get pictures of us flying through the clouds for my 5 yr old son.

I got there, found my luggage, and found the shuttle to get to the hotel. Surprise, surprise, I met one of the women in my evaluation group on the shuttle. Monica was just such a sweet lady, full of love and laughter and made me immediately relax.

I checked into my hotel room, cleaned up, and texted my bloggy friend Lee Merrill. We finally met face to face in the hotel lobby for the first time. If you haven't met her, head over to her blog. She has such a heart for God, is so much fun, a riot actually, and a warm gentle heart. I couldn't help but love her even more than I already did, from our getting to know each other on line.

I got to meet my roommate Katie. She was such a blessing to me. Her story is a miracle of God's intervention in her life. I wish I could have gotten to know her better. I am hoping that as we continue through this year, we will be able to get to know each other better.

After Katie and I were able to talk a bit and get to know each other a little bit, we worked our way down to the lobby, and towards the banquet room where we were to have our opening session and first dinner together.

As we walked closer, I could hear the swell of women's voices. Women getting to know each other. Women anxious to meet God this weekend. Women prepared to learn. Women desiring to worship their Father together.

The air was electric, and the sense of the Holy Spirit settling on this place was palpable...

(to be continued)

Radiant face...

"Those who look to Him are radiant, their faces are never covered with shame." Ps. 34:5

A radiant face.

That is what I want. I so want to have my gazed focused on Him, that I shine with His presence. With His love.

I want His heart to be my heart.
I want His words to be my words.
I want His mind to be my mind.

I want Jesus to guide my every action.

I want...

What does Jesus want?

I hope that as I focus more deeply on His word, my wants become His wants, because my heart draws closer to His.

So I guess the "I wants" above really aren't my "I wants" but Gods desires for me.


I am looking ahead to this weekend at She Speaks.
I am looking ahead to see what God's desires are for me.
I am looking ahead to cling to His every word to me this weekend.

I so want to hear and see what Jesus wants for me. Even if I don't get a clear idea of what that might be this weekend.

Pray for me that I might expect great things, from my great God!

Another type of preparation...

Yesterday was the day for picking our new scripture memory for our Siesta Scripture Memory with Beth Moore.

I couldn't think of anything yesterday that would work. So I prayed some about it and let it be for the night.

I woke up this morning and realized I still had to come up with something. I wasn't sure what it was going to be. As I prayed, as I did my bible study, for the Siesta Summer Bible Study, I still wasn't sure, but I felt like God was leading me to remember that I am in a battle. I am at a spot right now where the spiritual preparation is necessary. The only way I am going to fully arm myself is to remember the scripture I have been memorizing and remember that the battle is on!

My friend Cindy gave me the advice to pray on the armor of God every day. I found a prayer that is rather long, but I typed it out of a book I had been reading. It is a declaration, a spiritual warfare prayer. I got interrupted a few times by my daughter, but I prayed my way through it this morning. You know what? The burden and heaviness that I felt yesterday and agitation I felt this morning lifted.

My load was lighter. My heart is calm. My spirit is joyful.

My day hasn't turned out exactly as I had planned, or exactly as I had wanted. But I have been able to spend some longer times in prayer, and in the Word. I only have my daughter with me, so when she is content to play on her own, with me either in the room or the next room, I have been able to come here to my computer, or settle in the kitchen at the table, in my "God spot."

As I have, God just brought the spiritual armor passage (in Ephesians 6) to mind as I was thinking about some other scripture to arm myself with, when I am faced by temptation.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes."
Ephesians 6:10-11

That's my scripture memory for the next 15 days preceding She Speaks. I think my next one is already picked out as well. I will switch to that on the Saturday of that conference.

Verse 12 is:
"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I think these verses fit, don't you as I head into (and all the women going or facilitating) the conference.

I will not only be memorizing the first 2, and switching to the next one, but also, I will be praying these verses for myself and everyone else attending. For, oh do we need to be reminded that we are engaged in a battle, even if we don't "see" it with our physical eyes.

May God open all our eyes to see what He is doing in our lives, and what the enemy would seek to destroy. May we be aware of the spiritual battle taking place around us and let us not just sit back passively and let it happen to us. But instead, may we take up the armor and the sword of the Spirit, the Word of God. May we actively take captive our every thought, recognize oppression when it is there, and take care of ourselves in a healthy way, so we are prepared to hear God's voice speaking to us.

My cat... please pray

Update! Skitz came back last night right before I went to bed. Praise God! I heard the jingling of his tags on his collar. I went out with a flashlight and found him in the kids sandbox, and as soon as he saw me he headed for the door. Thanks for praying!

To those of you who aren't cat people, or animal people, this might seem a bit strange... but could you please pray for us?
One of our cats got out tonight. We aren't exactly sure when, but he ran for the hills when he did. Our female cat tends to stay near the house... but the other one likes to wander. They are both indoor cats.

I walked around the block and called for him. We left food out for him. My husband has to go to bed, as do I, and still no sign of Skitz. The neighbor boy is hanging around for a while and will keep an eye out for him as he tends to come right back up to our deck door.

Please pray that he is safe, and doesn't get run over, or something awful. Please pray that he comes back tonight or there will be some VERY sad people around this house tomorrow... and I don't mean just the kids. And pray that I will be able to get some sleep tonight and not worry about him.

Thanks so much

Preparation...

Things are moving. I am getting my talks polished. I have cut about all I can and am praying what is left is what God wants me to say.... and that I am prepared to stay within the time limits. I am going to be practicing on and off all day tomorrow to see how well I can get off the paper as much as possible.

I have a friend staying with me on Friday night, and am going to employ her help in trying to figure out what I am going to be wearing. I want to look the business casual, and still be very comfortable, so that I am not distracted by hurting feet, etc, while I am trying to talk, or take notes, or anything else.

I talked with someone from my church today who is also going to She Speaks, and we shared our talks, she shared about the book proposal she is doing, and we talked about what we were worried about, anticipating. It was so good to talk with someone and get and idea of what they were thinking as well.

In all of these things though, there is one more big thing I can do to prepare. Besides my talks. Besides practicing. Besides packing and making lists.

Focus on my spiritual preparation.

I need to be praying for those in my evaluation group. For the other women coming from all over. For the Proverbs 31 team who is leading the conference. So many of them are leaving their families, with their ups and downs and struggles right now, to minister to us, and I am so astounded by all they are doing.

Just today, after I came home from going over things with the other woman from our church, I got hit. I mean, I started feeling sick. I was so exhausted I fell asleep in the hammock in our back yard while the kids played. I haven't felt like eating since lunch, just bleh.

After supper, as the kids were playing inside, before I went out with them, I felt my mood go "bleh" too. I started swinging down. I started struggling with depression. It just "hit" me. Praise God, I had the presence of mind to recognize the spiritual attack for what it was. There was no reason for me to be feeling that way. There was no thing that happened that could have brought my mood down. It just suddenly happened like a change of the wind.

I prayed. Prayed on the spiritual armor. Prayed for the Holy Spirit to come in behind and fill me to overflowing with the sense of God's love. It was just a few moments in prayer that I had, but it was enough time for me to become aware of the unseen, to bind the enemy, to pull on the armor and protection of God, and to trust myself into His care.

It is something I am going to have to be more aware of, and more deliberate, purposeful in doing each and every day.

I need to be prepared spiritually. I want to let God do in my heart what He wants, to get me ready for this conference, and for the things He would show me before I get there, while I am there, and as I come home back to my "normal" life.

I want my heart to be tender and teachable, and able to discern God's voice speaking to it, to me. I want my heart to be open and fertile ground for Jesus to plant the dreams and visions He has for me. I want my heart to beat with the passion of God for those around me, and for sharing the unique message He has given me to share.

Tomorrow I get an unexpected day to myself. I get to be with God, without kids or husband. I get to take the time out to spend time with Him. I am going to have to clean and straighten up around here, but that doesn't mean I can't do it with an attitude of worship, and with a listening heart.

Please pray for me as I head into tomorrow. Pray that I won't get distracted by the things to "do," rather that I would be able to focus on "being" with my dear Father.

That is the best preparation I could ever make.

Performance Faith...

Life keeps going, even when you are trying to slow it down to get things done, doesn't it?

I mean, last week I was working hard on getting my talks ready, so I can start to really practice them and get "off the paper" with them more.

In the meantime the laundry piled up, the mail stacked on the table, the dishes in the sink, the kids needing to eat (my hubby too), errands needing to be run....

And then God.
Oh yeah... Him.

God was in the midst of all of it answering prayers, helping me through, and showing me some new things.

As I sat at my friend's house, in a "writing retreat" essentially, I realized both talks were WAY too long. I cut and cut, finally getting my teaching talk right around 5 minutes.

Then I looked at my testimony. Hmm. This one was not so good. The testimony was fine, but after experiencing how quickly time flew by on the other one, I knew that I needed to cut a lot of what I had.

I looked at the poem I had written over a year ago, that I wanted to include. Because it really shows the heart changes that God was doing, and the visions He gave me over the last year. But after reading it, and timing it, by itself the poem took 2 minutes to read. My testimony has to be at 3 minutes.

So, unfortunately the poem had to go. As I looked at the rest of my testimony, I realized that nothing worked... except for the opening.

I got up in frustration and paced the living room. Finally I sat down in Cindy's "prayer chair," and just cried out to God.... I can't DO this!

I didn't know what to write, what to keep, what to throw out... and asked God to show me.

Guess what?
He answers prayers.

Did you know that?

I was able to go back over to the computer, and looked at some ideas that Cindy had given me, and started to type.

Ten minutes or so later, and I had scrapped the whole talk. Except for the opening sentence. When I timed it... it was just around 3 minutes.

Surprise, surprise, surprise (imagine Gomer saying that!) :)

The next day, guess what? My whole teaching talk got scrapped, except for a part of the opening, and a part of the closing... and was re-written.

Lots of editing later, and I haven't even looked at them since Thursday. I figured that if I even opened their files, I would start wanting to edit. I am waiting on that till Monday.

So, two days of crazy writing.

In the middle of that, God showed me something else.

He showed me where my frustration lately with the kids has been coming from. He showed me what could be a problem with them for the next couple of weeks, and showed me what could become a problem as I wrote my talks.

He showed me the root of my frustration and honestly, anger, at the kids was perfection. Wanting perfection. Perfection would edit my talks to death, and brow beat my kids to the death of their sense of worth.

He showed me the root of my perfectionism was something deeper. Striving to do what was right and expected of me, made me feel that if I did something wrong, I was of less value. The disapproval was too much for me to even think of, especially to this very people pleasing person.

If I base my value on what I do, and try to be perfect at everything, I set myself up for failure. I will end up depressed, and with a give up attitude, because I can't be good at everything. I also set myself up for having a "works" based faith.

Performance faith.

I think that was what got me into the mess of the past few years. I just couldn't keep the perfect mask up any more.

The last thing I want to do is instill in my kids they aren't good enough unless they are doing exactly what mommy tells them to. I don't want to pass along the pattern of performance to them, so that they think all that matters is the outside picture of doing what is "right." Because that would be so wrong, and only last for as long as they could hold up that mask. But when they got tired, and the mask fell, it could be so devastating to them. I don't wish that on them.

God made it perfectly clear in my bible study this week, that I needed to not just deal with the outside anger and frustration alone... because that hasn't been working up to this point... but I needed to deal with the root of the issue.

I AM NOT PERFECT.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE.
MY VALUE ISN'T BASED ON MY PERFORMANCE!!!!

If I don't deal with that, I am always going to be putting unrealistic demands on those closest to me.

So, in the middle of writing and praying and trying to figure out my talks, Jesus showed up.

He reminded me of what I have been writing about.

He loves me.
He loves me without condition.
He loves me not demanding perfection.
He loves me in and through my mess.
He loves me recklessly.
He loves me.

Maybe He will get that pounded through my thick skull, and lodge it deep into my heart.

Oh I pray He does.

I want to live based solely on His love. Then I can show it to my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. I want to be fully anchored in His love, so I can better love others.

Sap vs. maple syrup....

Over the next week, I will be intensively working on my talks for She Speaks. I need to organize them and focus them.

My small group leader prayed for me tonight. His prayer was exactly what I needed. The analogy he used was perfect. He said in his prayer for me, exactly what I had been thinking but didn't have the words for at the time.

Right now I have so much information and ideas....

......I need to go through the "sugaring process."

Sap comes out of the sugar maple tree, but can't be used directly on pancakes, it needs to be refined.

Boiled down.

Concentrated.

I have way too much information. The real message that I want to share, that I feel God leading me to share is getting lost in all the other stuff that is there. Maybe some of that other stuff is for me to learn, and store in my own heart for some other time.

But there is some stuff that I know is there for those who listen to me that weekend. There is some stuff that is for some others who might hear it before or after.

I need to spend this time organizing, straightening out, and clarifying what I already have written down.

More than that, I have to get concise. I have to boil off the water, and the impurities, to get down to the real, deep sweetness at the center of what God has given me to say.

I want to pure sweetness of God's word to be tasted. I want the Spirit to so speak through me, that no matter how my presentation actually goes, whether I get good "ratings" or not, God has been heard, using my voice as His instrument.

More than anything, I would love to have one person hear my testimony and see that God can heal and redeem anything, and can break the chains of bondage surrounding their heart. I want one person who hears my teaching talk to realize, not only in their head, but their heart that not one thing could separate them from the love of Christ, and that they are overwhelming victors in the middle of whatever junk they are going through... whether they feel it emotionally or not.

That would the message of each of my talks. Right there.

-----

Hmmm. That is under the time limits of 3 and 5 minutes.
You think that would fly?

No. Probably not.
Oh well, it was worth a try!

-----

But seriously. If I can take the scriptures I have and show those things, flesh them out some, and bring it back to the main point.

God's power in us brings us the victory.
His Spirit in us gives us the strength to stand in the midst of the pains and trials.
Nothing the world can throw at us will separate us from His love.

He redeems.
He saves.
He breaks the shackles binding us.

He sets us free to tell others of His wonderful deeds, and His reckless love for us.

That would be sweet!

The extra sap of overflowing thoughts and information boiled down to the pure, dark, sweet maple syrup of the truth of God active, through His Word, and in the lives of all of us.

gardening gloves...

I was so tired this past week from VBS I could hardly think about anything. It also was so hot here, I was hibernating inside as much as I could, in the air conditioning. When I did go outside, I was in the sun, and managed to give myself a really good sunburn. I finally started feeling less pain from it 4 days later!

I have barely been able to keep up with a few blogs, and with some writing I need to do on my speeches for She Speaks.

But this past Friday I was able to get together with my friend Cindy. We talked through the chapter of the book we are on, and then talked. A lot.

It was a wonderful time of sharing for both of us. We didn't have any time constraints or anything, so we were able to just relax and not feel rushed. I was able to share a song I was doing for special music at church... talk about our family's of origin... go out to lunch together and do a bit of shopping... and I was also able to share what I already have done with my talks. It helped to talk to her, because it gave me some good constructive feedback, and gave me an idea of what I have to work on.

Just being with her got my brain working and processing again. I mean, I could hardly string two thoughts together prior to Friday!

I was all worked up about church on Sunday, because our Wednesday night worship rehearsal didn't seem to go very well to me, and I felt like I really hadn't been together with the band very well, and I was the team leader. I also hadn't been practicing my music for special music very long, and didn't have that worked out well either.

Cindy reminded me that God is the one who fills me and will enable me to do all things.

Our VBS director came in on the third day of VBS and said that she had nothing left to give for the week. She was tired and done. She had been poking around in her garage before leaving the house, and found an old gardening glove and brought it in with her.

She said that she was that glove. The glove could do nothing on its own. It couldn't garden, it couldn't pull weeds, nothing. It wasn't until she put her hand inside, that it could do anything. She reminded us that we are all gloves. We can't do anything on our own. It's the Holy Spirit filling us that enables us to move or do anything.

When Cindy reminded me that Sunday was in God's hands, I told her about that glove analogy. It just fit right in with what we were talking about.

So, here is a question for you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?

Is there something that you are facing, that is coming up (like She Speaks, or any "one time" event) that you are feeling less than capable of? Is there something in your life, or the life of your family that is more than overwhelming?

God has given us His most precious gift in His Son, and in His Spirit, indwelling us. Whether you feel it or not, He is there. He is an untapped power source. The very power that raised Jesus from the dead is given to us.

Tap into that power. Tell God that you can't do this. That is all He is waiting for. For you, and me, to admit that we can't do it. Then He asks us to step aside and watch Him work.

When I was in VBS and said to Him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't possibly teach these children any music, God stepped in. His Spirit filled me to overflowing, and taught those kids the music, intervening with discipline as needed. I remember almost watching myself from a 3rd person perspective on Thursday and Friday, realizing that there was no way that was me doing that.

I realized this past week, as my brain finally started to function again, that God had totally blown apart a box I had put myself, and Him, in.

I said to myself that there was no way I could teach kids music, especially in a classroom setting. Even though I feel more freed up than ever about using my abilities in the area of music, I didn't even realize just how much of a strangle hold this lie had on me. I didn't even think it was a lie. It almost kept me from doing VBS at all... because up to this year, I didn't have to teach music in a classroom setting, I just had to teach the music in the openings and closings of VBS. This time I had a music rotation I was in charge of.

Now that VBS is done, and I saw what God did for me, and through me, something is radically different. That box, that LIE "I can't teach music to kids, and discipline and do the classroom thing," has been show false.... Well, and true in a way. By myself, no I can't teach music, etc. But through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, trusting in His strength, not just trying to make it on my own, I can.

I did.

When I realized that truth... that I am free to teach music, or do anything with music, I could hardly believe it.

I tried to share it with my small group this past week, and had a hard time putting it into words.

The best I have come up with yet is this.

The box is gone, and I am suddenly standing in this bright, open, sunny field. The sun is on my face, the wind in my hair, and I am waiting for God to show me which direction to start to walk. I know He has a specific ministry for me, beyond what I do now. I don't know what it is, or what it will look like. But I know that waiting in this place is good. I know He will continue to equip me for whatever it is. I know that He will continue to uproot the lies that are still buried deep.

Best of all, I know He is in me, with me, filling me with His Holy Spirit. It won't be me doing it, it will be Him.

So again, I ask you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?
Can you imagine yourself in that open field with me?
A world of possibilities before you?

Tell Him you can't do it. Verbalize it. Out loud. Then ask Him specifically to help you. He will. He will answer that prayer. He is answering it even now, though you may not know it or feel it.

poured out...

If this is what it feels like to be poured out, I think I like it and want to feel this way again, more often.

I emptied myself last week at VBS. It was hard work. Stretching work for me, to teach and really lead as much as I did. It was hard for me to move beyond my comfort zone, and really try to connect with the kids as I taught them.

My comfort zone in this area was imposed upon me by a belief in a set lies. Lies that were embedded early on in my life as a believer.... lies that I couldn't teach, that I had no right to be up in front of kids, and worst yet, that my musical skills weren't and never would be strong enough to do anything with in the realm of teaching.

But last week, I pushed those aside, begged God to fill me and be more than enough for me, and I taught. I helped the kids learn music that was based around the themes of the days teachings. I taught them some sign language and such to go along with the songs to help them remember them. I led them in the closing celebration for their parents and friends. Then Sunday morning, the kids who were at church who had been in VBS, came up front and we sang and signed our theme song for the week for the church.

God met me. God filled me. God enabled me.

Instead of holding back when I felt God calling, I stepped out of my normal comfort zone and pushed through and did what He asked me to do.

This Sunday, after church was done, we all headed to Sunday school. Peter in particular was pushing to go to the farm right after the service. Earlier he had wanted to go to Sunday school, but when he realized that he was going to have to wait longer to go to the farm, he got fed up with me and started to melt down because I was making him stay.

We sat in the back of the adult class until I saw his teacher come through, and then I moved with Peter and Marina, and took them into their classroom. Once they were in there, Peter settled in. When they came out, all Peter could talk about was how much fun he had. Marina enjoyed it too.

I was proud of myself for having pushed through on something else that was uncomfortable for me. Taking the kids to church on my own, taking them to Sunday school for the first time, rather than giving into their demands of leaving right away.

But talking about being poured out...

This whole past weekend I could hardly string two thoughts together. I couldn't relax at the coffee shop. I couldn't unwind at the farm. After some sleep Saturday night, I was able to relax some on Sunday, and think a bit more clearly. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap at the farm Sunday afternoon. Came home and slept a full night last night too.

But woke up just drained again today. Drained and crabby!!! Yuck. I hate it when I wake up that way.

And sick. I have a wicked sore throat, that won't seem to go away.

But this usually happens to me when I really stress myself and give all I have got. I found it always happened in collage at the semesters end. I would come home for Christmas break or summer break and immediately get sick. It never failed.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I remember someone saying that they wanted to be one of the ones who left all they had out on the field.

I think I left it all out on the field last week.

I am tired and done in and toasted... mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually too. I just haven't been able to focus on God much since then. I want to, and I attempt to pray, but a few words come out, (or get journaled) and then I drift off. I can't seem to keep my mind on task.

So, now that I think Marina is finally asleep... (she has been fighting sleep all week.. staying up later each night... even when she doesn't have a nap and has been running all day) ...I am going to try to spend even a few quiet minutes with God here at the end of my day, and go get some sleep too.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind comments. This has been a week to remember, and if I can remember it long enough I will journal about it so that I don't forget what I have learned. Of course, maybe that is what this post, and the last one are about...

A reminder of what it is like to pour myself out, to follow God, to push out the boundaries of my comfort zone, and to expand and grow and find new confidence in God to equip me for what He is calling me to.

That's what it is all about.

He called me, I answered.
He equipped me, I poured myself out.

He did the work through me, I just obeyed and did what He told me. We make a good team that way. Much better than when I try to tell Him what He is supposed to be doing.

(Hmm. I do that way too much!)

Pouring out.
Service.
Sacrifice.

That is what God is about. As our theme song for the VBS week said:

"This is the way of the Kingdom of God!"



P.S. If I get the time, I will put up a post with a few pictures from VBS, so you can see a few of the things that happened at our church this past week... I am too tired now to do it, so hopefully tomorrow it will happen as I try to survive the heat!

VBS, conviction, prayer...

I happen to have a few minutes right now, before I am due to sing with the kids. I thought I would grab them to come say hi.

This week with VBS has been really good. I have gotten over my nervousness for the most part, and have found the kids very responsive to the songs, to the actions I am doing with them (mostly doing sign language... easy ones, so the little kids can do it too...).

We have about 45 kids or so (our average) and it has been so neat to see them responding to the learning, and responding to the videos, the verses. I have noticed Peter and Marina just soaking this up.

Peter has started to make friends with a few kids his own age. Maybe this Sunday I will be able to take them both into their Sunday school room, because some of the kids in the Sunday school classes are the same ones who are in his VBS group. He hasn't wanted to before, so we will see what this Sunday holds.

And, it is walking out into new territory for me as well. I mean, normally when Dave works, his mom and dad take the kids on Saturday night so I don't have to worry about trying to get both kids out the door on time, or dealing with the distractions in church. When she offers, typically, I let her have the kids. This past week, I unexpectedly had to take them to church with me, because Dave had to work. It wasn't planned so Karen didn't know I was doing that. After church we did some errands and I think eventually ended out at the farm. But I handled the kids just fine on my own.

So this morning, Karen called and asked what I had planned for the weekend, and if I wanted her to take the kids at all. She left the night up to me. I think that I will ask her if she wants them Friday night, and we will spend the day out there Saturday. But, the kids are coming home with me Saturday night, and they are going to church with me the next morning, and they are going to go to Sunday school as well.

They need this connection with our church, with their peers. They need to know that going to church means more than just going to church on Sundays. They need to know its more than just "playing" at religion. I want them to make it their own.

Peter has started praying at night with us before bed. He is learning and growing and wanting to know more.

I have wondered and prayed about a job. So far, I might get 15 hours at the local McDonald's, but is that what God wants me to do? I don't know. All I do know is that I am trying to listen, but this week has been so hard.

Maybe I will get some time this weekend, after VBS is all done. Friday morning, to prep for the last day, or Saturday morning before I go out to the farm.

I want quiet. Away from kids. For some reason, I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed it, until this week with kids around me all the time. And I didn't realize just how much I do have a flexible schedule when not working with VBS or other things like that.

God is so good. I am feeling better this week. Maybe it is having something to do that I know makes a difference in people's lives.

I wonder if God could lead me to a job like that. Ok, I know He could.

God, would you lead me to something where I feel that I make a difference and can't just be "replaced" by another face. Show me clearly what Your will is. Show me how to make a difference in the life of my family, my friends, my church, my community. Give me the courage to step out in ways that are uncomfortable or unfamiliar to me. Grant me grace, and patience, and humility, and the willingness to do whatever it is you want me to do. Thank you for giving me the courage to do the right things for my kids, and thank you for convicting me of what I should do, what is right. Thank you for being more than enough for me in everything and anything I am going through and doing. Amen

VBS here I come!!!!

Well, here comes life this week... full force!

It could be very much a life overload this week!!

Our church is starting their Vacation Bible School this week. Yours truly is leading all the music. I am not only leading up front for opening and closing as in previous years, but also running the music center, that the kids will rotate through.

That in and of itself is different. Add to that, both of my kids are old enough to participate! My daughter Marina will be in the pre-school group, in the nursery classroom, so she won't be "out" rotating through, so won't really see me except for the opening and closing sessions. However, Peter will be rotating through the stations, including mine... as a matter of fact, the first station he will come to, after his bible time, in his class room is mine.

I am praying that he won't get to clingy or insecure. He expressed concern that he and Marina were not going to be in the same age groups during it... I think more for himself than for her. He is nervous to move out into new things, that are unfamiliar to him (hmmm, wonder where he gets that one from!!! )

I also am praying that God will let me just be able to teach the kids the songs, the actions/sign language to go with them, and remind them of the bible verses and theme of the day... and well, just relax enough to have fun.

I want to let the past be the past, and not work myself up, fearful that I can't teach the kids. Because though I can't teach them anything in my own strength, with God I can do all things. In His strength and power. Not by my own might.

So I am heading to bed... way later than I intended, and way exhausted. But I had to make sure I had everything prepared, because once I am up at the church early, with both kids, I won't be able to run back and forth if I forgot something!

If I don't get back here too soon to write, know that I am thinking of you all, and praying. I will be back as soon as I can.... if nothing else but to post my new scripture memory verse for the 15th!

Choose to praise...

"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. "
Psalm 103:1-5

These verses spoke to me this week, as a reminder to my soul to trust in Him at all times.

The whole psalm was so good. I read through it last night before I went to bed. I prayed through it, and praised God through it.

A conscious decision to praise Him.

It's amazing what it does for my heart and soul.

I am wondering if some of what is going on is because I am consciously working on my marriage. I am consciously trying to do what I can for my part to connect better with my husband, rather than not talk. I mean, it got to the point where I felt like we were co-existing, not really relating.

It has really troubled me, so Cindy started praying specifically for us. She also challenged me to try to share something, anything with him... even small. As I have started doing this, it has opened up the lines of communication between us again. I have been concentrating on not shutting down with him as I have been struggling the past couple of weeks or so. It feels so much better.

One thought is that there is spiritual attack (duh) because the last thing the enemy wants is us to have a strong marriage.

Something I noticed today, as I reflected back over a conversation with Cindy, bothered me. I realized that she was nearly dancing up and down at the answer to prayers upon prayers. I mean, God is answering our prayers for a stronger marriage! He is! Shouldn't I be dancing up and down too? Where were my dancing shoes when I realized what God was doing?

What I end up focusing on is the depression that I feel, the other things that just don't seem right, the problems, etc... rather than praising God for who He is and what He has done.

So, today... even if it is only right now... even if it is on and off, not constant... I am going to choose to praise.

The Choice to Praise

I am going to choose.
Choose to praise.
Praise my God
God my Father

My Father who has worked
Worked through His Spirit
His Spirit in my heart
My heart that has been changed.

Changed and healed
Healed, felt or not
Not because I must praise
Praise because I have the choice.

By Heather Kudla, 06-11-09

Will you choose to praise with me?

Cindy home again

Cindy is home. Extremely tired, but home safely.

Thank you, thank you all who have been praying for me. Today is better. I am still tired. The fog is lifting some, though it is still dark.

I just wanted to add this update for all you. My dear friend Cindy just called me. She is on her way home from Tennessee!

Thank you so much for praying for her. She said that atmosphere there was just oppressive and was really hard to deal with. Her mom was very demanding, and just the family dynamics there were so difficult for her. She said she spent a lot of time in confession because she just got so angry.

She is exhausted, so pray that she will be able make it home safely. She said that she was up almost every hour during the night with her mom. She needs filling and renewing by God on her way home. I know she is enjoying her time in solitude driving.

Thank you for praying. She should be home around dinner time.
I will let you know when she gets home.

i'm tired... i need to be still...

"Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.' "
Exodus 14:13-14

I am so tired. I really am. I am wiped out. I haven't slept well the last couple of days. I am worn out.

I am also dealing with a lot of anxiety that my medication hasn't helped.

Still struggling. Of course. surprise, surprise...

But I read this verse today from my devotional. It just struck me. I am tired. I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't have to.

The Lord will fight for me. I just need to be still.

Be still in the Lord. Let Him take care of me.

Being still. Sometimes when you are stirred up, it's hard to be still. But I choose to rest in the Lord.

My question from my devotional today was basically asking how the words "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still" apply to me today.

I am too tired to do anything else, but to stay still and let Him fight for me.
Please pray that I have the energy to do even that.

I have a VBS meeting tonight, and I have to teach a couple of songs there to the adult volunteers. I am praying for energy, stamina and the ability to go out in public without breaking down.

Thanks for your prayers for me. I am so praying the sun will come out soon and shine some light into the darkness.

curling up...

I wrote in my journal today that I just don't know what is going on.

I suppose that's ok.
I don't need to know.
I want to know.

It's a cool, rainy, dark day. It is one of those days that you just want to curl up. It doesn't help my mood any. I just want to curl up under a blanket in a safe place, with a safe person. I want to cry.

I did a little crying at the coffee shop. I need comfort. Comforting. I need a sense of safety and peace. I need God. I need more and more of Him.

"Every mistake, sin, and detour we take in the journey of life is taken by God and becomes his gift for a future of blessing when we surrender ourselves to him."

"What would it look like for you to surrender the pains of your past to God today?"

I can see where God has taken the pains in my past, as I have worked through them, and surrendered them to him, and worked them for a blessing in my life. I have seen how surrendering all of me to him has made such a difference in my life. I have caught a brief glimpse of his blessing amidst my pain, and because of it... working it for good.

Can I answer that question today? What pains of my past am I still holding on to? I thought I had surrendered that to him already. I mean, wasn't that what this past year was all about? He brought me to a point of surrender and healing. But like the quotes in my last post, he brings us back to some of the same things again, on a newer, more profound level, to a deeper level of healing and change.

I don't know what is causing the pain, sorrow in my heart. I don't know what is causing the depression that is making me fold inwards to protect myself. I don't know what is making me want to curl up and hide and cry. I don't even know what all my emotions are...

All I do know is I am desperate for comfort, for healing, for filling of the Holy Spirit.
All I do know is I want to run and hide.

I can't.
I want to.

I have a family to take care of.

If you see this, please pray for me. I don't quite know what to ask for. I need God. I need Him to do something powerful. I want to rest in with His arms enfolding me... and I need that rest so badly.

Sorry for the jumbledness of this post. It's just all pouring out of me. Thanks for your prayers.


Quotes taken from "Complete guide to the Daily Office," by Peter Scazzero

Stuffing and running...

Oh I have had so many words and thoughts and emotions the past few days. I don't even know what to say.

God has been working on me.
On my heart.

As I have been reading "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero, as well as using his "Daily Office" as my devotionals, God has been using them in my life.

What have I been doing?
I have been running.

I have used a myriad of ways. But no matter what I have been doing, I have been running.

These two books have been talking about dealing with inner pain.

Get this quote from "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."
"Rather than keeping busy to avoid my inner pain and disappointments, I needed space to explore my feelings and wrestle with anger, shame, bitterness, grief, jealousy, fear or depression - in an open contemplative way before God."

I have been keeping busy, I have been using other escapes to keep from feeling my emotions. I have been successfully stuffing them.

Just like I used to do. Just as I have always been well practiced up on.

Stuffing emotions. Don't let them overflow.
Don't allow them out, because if you do:
you can't control them, they control you.

Stuffing and running.
Running and stuffing.

Yesterday, I couldn't even identify what I was feeling. I felt numb, for the most part, but I did recognize depression too. We had our small group to our house for a cook out by the fire. We worshiped outside around the fire before the mosquitoes drove us inside. We prayed inside then, and broke up.

Later, one of my girlfriends from the small group and I went back out to the fire and sat and talked. Dave came and joined us for some of the time. We had a really good conversation, and she shared how God was really breaking through some things for her, and helping her into some major healing. It was so good to hear.

There is something about a fire at night, maybe its the warmth of the flames, the feeling of anonymity, I don't know. It prompts being honest and open. I was able to share with my girlfriend the feelings of stuffing my emotions, the questions from my devotional that have set me thinking, and the avoiding I have been doing.

I was able to share that much. I don't know if I have more words now; to describe what is going on.

I don't think I have been feeling I have been going backwards, per se, but I have definitely been having a harder time dealing with my emotions. And my old nature, old habit coping mechanisms come in yet again. I fight them, and sometimes I win, but not all the time.

I have this feeling of emptiness at times, and a disconnect, and this longing to be filled. Sometimes I am able to lean on God for that filling, and He helps me through. Sometimes I pray and ask for that filling and it seems like He isn't listening and doesn't answer. That's when I tend to go to coping mechanisms... and not healthy ones. Sometimes, especially if I am disillusioned, I don't even bother going to Him. Also, not a good, nor recommended choice.

There was a quote from my devotional today;
"As we go back to go forward, we find that it is a never ending process. We go back, breaking some destructive power of the past. The later, on a deeper level, God has us return to the same issue on a more profound level."

And another one talking about how the Holy Spirit investigates our whole life, digging away layer by layer, eventually getting down to the bedrock, our earliest emotional life.
"Hence, as we progress toward the center where God is actually waiting for us, we are naturally going to feel that we are getting worse."

Maybe I am revisiting some old things I thought were done with... or old habits... or old parts of myself that I thought were surrendered.

I believe it is God directed, not self induced. Spirit led, not emotions based on chemical imbalances. Maybe chemical imbalances have something to do with how I am handling the emotions, and the heightened scrutiny of my emotional life, but I believe that this is all held, guided, led by God.

The other day I was sitting, trying to figure out what was going on. I remembered at church this past Sunday, a friend sang special music, talking about Jesus hands being open, reaching out to us. I just got this sense of Him reaching out to me and as I put my hands in His, He pulled me up, and into His embrace. I looked out the window, and across the road was this huge tree. I just got the sense that I was clinging to the trunk of that tree. It swayed in the wind, bent with the storms, but never broke or faltered. It gave shade in the heat, shelter in the rain, and stood through the winters harsh gale, only to bud and flourish the coming spring.

Now I know the analogy breaks down, because trees do die, they do fail, and if the wind and storm is strong enough, they will uproot.

But not only am I clinging to the tree (the cross) He is clinging to me. His arms are wrapped around me. I don't know what that means. I mean I KNOW in my head. But my heart, it just doesn't get it right now. It does to a certain extent, but maybe this is God's move to help my heart understand it on a deeper, more profound level.

God is moving. He is. He gave me just a glimpse into what my marriage could be, if I can break free of my inhibitions, and fears of confrontation, and fears of not being heard or understood... and showed me how freeing, and strengthening it could be. Oh, have I been praying for Him to bless our marriage. How I have been praying for Him to break me free of the past enough to really embrace my present and future.

God is moving. He has used me to help my girlfriend, who has gone through some similar things I have in the past, and done some of the same things I have done. She went through the Steps to Freedom by Neil T. Anderson with a couple in our small group. And the change in her countenance was amazing yesterday.

God is moving. He gave my husband and I a date night. One of the first in a really, really long time. Where it was truly just us out. No kids, no other commitments, no stealing time together when he was working a slide show for a wedding or anything like that. Us, dinner and a movie.

I know in my head God is moving. I can see it with my eyes. I hear the wind of His Spirit sweeping down over me, and I get fearful. Even when I know He is using His cleansing fire to purify me and burn away the dross, it is painful. To die to the old and live for the new is painful, because something DOES have to die!

Maybe when I can sort things out, when I am not so tired, I will be able to write more. I have had more insights today, but right now, this is all I can write.

I am praying that God will give me words. I am praying that God will yet again show Himself glorified through me. I feel frustrated that I am writing again, of struggles and emotional ups and downs. I am frustrated that I am struggling with depression some too.

It's just, well, not what I wanted... not where I planned myself to be, when I am less than 2 months out from going to She Speaks, and needing to have 2 talks prepared. When I am supposed to be getting ready the music for VBS. When I am supposed to be looking for some sort of job. When I am supposed to be enjoying my summer with my husband and kids. When I am supposed to be preparing my son for Kindergarten.

This is not in my plans God!!!!
But it isn't about me or my plans, is it?

This is something that really hit me as I read the book, and as I am out of words, I am going to close with this prayer that Scazzero wrote for the end of Chapter 3, in "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."
"O Lord, slow me down that I might pay attention to you through this day, that I might meet you even as I read these pages. It is safe to walk with you whether I feel like it today. You are a secure place. Anchor me to you today, O Lord, amidst the storms and trials going on around me. Break me free from all thoughts and ideas about you that are not true. Unleash a spiritual revolution in my interior, Lord Jesus. Set me truly free, O Lord, that I may be a gift to those around me. In Jesus name, amen."
(emphasis mine)

Cindy...

Update below

Those of you following my blog for the last week or so, know that I have requested prayer for my friend, Cindy. She has been with me through so much the past couple of years. And she has gone through so much herself.

This past week has been especially tough on her.

She is now down in the Nashville area, taking care of her mother, while her sister, Cher, takes care of her own son, Timothy.

Cindy is not the nurse type. She threw up when her kids threw up and were sick. She just isn't gifted in this area. However, now she is taking care of her mom, who has a colostomy and is going through chemo treatments for an in-operable cancer, ovarian. Her mom is not a believer so, though the chemo will only give her at most 6 more months, she is trying it.

The chemo is making her extremely sick, and now that she has just had surgery to put in the colostomy, she is going back in for chemo tomorrow.

Cindy took her in for some doctor appointments today. She is going to spend most of the day tomorrow at doctor offices, and then Thursday her mom gets her first bout of chemo since her surgery for the colostomy. The she has to take her mom, sick from the chemo, through a bunch of doctor visits on Friday.

My biggest prayer request is for her rest. When I talked to her today, Cindy just sounded exhausted. She is wiped. She said she hasn't been sleeping well. She goes to bed when her mom does, and gets up when she does. But last night alone, she went to bed just after 10pm, and was up by 5:30am. Now that wouldn't be so bad if she were sleeping straight through the night and waking rested. But she isn't sleeping through the night. I know that she has been waking up several times, at least. She also has been dealing with a steady headache for about 8 weeks now.

All day.
Every day.
Non stop.

Nothing touches it. Nothing stops it. Nothing even lessens the pain.

I can't describe what my heart did when I heard her voice today. She just sounded to me like she was talking so carefully, just because she couldn't hardly move. You know the feeling. When you are barely hanging onto consciousness because you are so tired. She sounded so exhausted, and it was just about noon.

Please. Please pray for her. I know you don't know Cindy. I know you don't know her family. But even a brief prayer on her behalf, I know God will hear.

Her mom, Janie, and her sister Cher, do not know Jesus. I doubt her nephew Timothy does either. Please pray for their salvation. They so need to rest in the arms of Jesus, and have an assurance and strength that passes all understanding. They need, most of all, HOPE. Just by the things Cindy has described, they have none. They are clinging with desperation, to this life.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I know that Cindy appreciates them... more than you can know. When I told her I was posting here on my blog for her, she was so grateful to know others were praying.

Soon, I will be able to get back to regular posts, but for now, please keep Cindy and her family in your prayers.

Here is a direct update from Cindy... Her words, not mine. I am copying and pasting from an email that I got from her today.

Thanks so much for praying!
Today was chemo day and we are at back at Mom's now and she is sleeping. I have had some quiet time to read and pray both during her chemo and over the last hour as she sleeps...God is giving me everything I need and I am so very thankful I have Him and so many people praying.

Additional prayer request is for my Dad, who is struggling right now with his health...I don't know exactly what is going on, but a gal who works for a home health care group will be visiting his house tomorrow and said she would call me and let me know how he is doing.

The phone calls have been nonstop today between my brother, sister and dad. But, still God is giving me peace and I know He will give me wisdom in all the situations I find myself in with the family.

Prayer for their salvation and peace in their souls and hearts still is my greatest prayer.

As you can tell, the prayers are needed and well appreciated. I am glad that she emailed me and let me know how she was doing, and how things went today... and that now you have her words, not just mine! I had emailed her on the off chance that she would have email... wasn't sure she had her computer with her or internet access.

Thank you again!
Love you all,