Joy, boundaries, and brokenness

I have made a friend in the course of the past couple of months. She is a new believer and gone through some things in her life that have been very difficult. God is slowly changing her thought patterns, and freeing her from her past.

It has been amazing to see the growth in her in just the past couple of months. And that in nothing compared to the changes that have happened in the past couple of years.

To top it all off, she is a single mom of a 16yr old boy. Up to this point, this young man has seen that his mother is "light" and he was "dark" (as he put it in the words he knew).

Very perceptive.

He has had a friend that goes to our church... that he goes to school with. He slowly over the last 4 months or so, would occasionally ask his mom about God. He was willing to listen sometimes, and was glad for her, but it wasn't for him.

The friend that he goes to school with - well, they just became really good friends this year. My friends son, well, just thinks he is awesome, and finally found out that his friend went to our church.

This friend invited him to our youth group 3 weeks ago. He loved it! Then he came to church with his mom and his friend and friend's family. He stayed for the community group/sunday school time after church. He loved it!

He got his first bible from his friend. He started reading it right away!

Last week, he went to youth group again with his friend. Our associate pastor, who helps lead the youth group, spoke very strongly about the importance of making a decision for Christ, especially in the light of Haiti - and you never know when.

Pastor strongly urged the youth to not leave the building that night without knowing where they were going.

My friend's son grabbed Pastor Brad a bit later, and said he wanted to know more about this salvation thing. Pastor Brad grabbed his friend, and the two of them led this young man to the Lord.

Now my friend and her son are both "light." She has her son back, knowing he is Christ's now, and they are learning and growing together. He even came to church this past week, when his mom was working.

God is SO good. What an amazing change! We are still celebrating how God has worked in their lives.

Anyway....

God gave me and my new friend the chance to talk this week... I wasn't too busy at work, and the phone didn't ring too much while we were talking.

He has been helping her draw some boundaries in her life, because she hasn't really known how to do that before. Slowly God is maturing her, not only in relationship with Him, but also growing her emotionally out of where she was stuck for so long.

We have gotten to know each other pretty well in the past couple of months. Especially in the last 4 weeks or so, we have spent some good time together, and shared quite openly.

I had been aware her boundary issues, so it was in the back of my mind, as we grew to know each other... and I was aware of it because I too used to have boundary issues. I still do in some ways, and there are old tapes that play in my head, and I am having to learn new boundaries with my job now.

As we talked this week, she shared how over the past week she had really been struggling and didn't know why. But God finally revealed why to her. She said that she really needed to draw some boundaries for herself. She was realizing that she was starting to slide down a "slippery slope" as she called it. She needed to back off and start over in our friendship. More slowly, instead of jumping in so quickly to getting to know each other. There is much more there, but that is all I am free to share here.

I apologized for calling so much and kind of pushing myself on her - offering to go for coffee or a meal two weeks in a row besides seeing her at church and our small group.

It was a good conversation. I came away from it really feeling ok about it.

After my long weekend at the church, I left a bit early from work on Tuesday. I headed home and was able to spend some time with God. Our senior Pastor had talked about the benefits of self-examination this past Sunday. Without realizing it, that is exactly what I did that afternoon. I spent time before God and sought His guidance and light to shine on anything that I might have done wrong, so that I wouldn't do it again.

Finally, I slept for a bit. Had a rough night's sleep that night, and went to work the next day. Just over the course of the day, through our women's retreat meeting that afternoon, I just became so aware of what the enemy was trying to do, among the leaders, among the women attending, to keep them from coming, to hinder their time at the retreat.

At about 4pm, Wednesday I got the church to myself. Everyone had left early to eat and rest up for the night of youth, AWANA, etc. I wandered my way into the sanctuary.

There I kind of had a melt down. I am ashamed to say that God revealed pride in my heart towards my relationship with my friend. What arrogance! And what childishness too, in the way I was reacting within myself to our conversation from the day before.

I can "defend" myself by saying it seemed to tap into some old insecurities and rejections, and that was part of what I was reacting to. But God just took the time to reveal areas that I hadn't been honoring Him in.

I repented and spent significant time at the foot of the cross in there. Seeking forgiveness. Interceding for the women coming on the retreat. Interceding for my friend. Seeking wholeness and healing for myself. Asking God to fill the emptiness and help lift my depression, rather than me seeking relief in other people, other things, etc.

I spent a great deal of time in tears before God. Broken. Again. And how fitting considering that our retreat has that theme!

Yesterday really was a pretty good day, but the closer I got to the evening, and to small group where I would see my friend, I got more nervous.

It was silly really. I mean, we would see each other, but there would be others around, and it would be easier for us to step back from each other within that context.

As I got there, we talked around the table during our meal, and I was able to share how much I felt the retreat really was under attack, and that each of us involved or going were under attack too.

I found it hard to look at my friend when I was talking, at least when she was looking back - I don't know, I just was so unbalanced feeling. Not because of anything she did, not because of anything really that we had talked about.

The more I look back on it, it just really felt like my emotions and thoughts weren't clear. I feel now, looking back that it was all a haze last night. I hardly remember the beginning part of the evening... at least not the details.

I feel like I didn't handle anything well at all, and am afraid that I made my friend even more uncomfortable, and that I need to apologize to her. Anything that I did last night had nothing to do with her, or how she treated me, or that she had spoken with me. It had everything to do with me.

I hope and pray that it doesn't affect her coming to small group, coming to the retreat - anything.

I mean, I suppose that I should expect all this unsettledness, prior to the retreat. I got some good work done on the worship for the weekend yesterday morning. I feel more ready. I also get this coming Tuesday off so that I can spend more time in preparation.

As you can see - I still really need prayers.
I need balance in relationships.
I need clear guidance from God.
I need wisdom in speaking with my friend, to apologize to her.

I need that broken, contrite, and humble heart that God will not despise.

I need my thoughts and emotions to line up with God's truth, not the lies the enemy is throwing at me.

I also need to trust that my pouring out my heart here won't be misinterpreted... or hurtful to anyone else.

So, today is a mix of joy for my friend and her son, who gets to tell his story, and his testimony this Sunday in front of church, as a God at work... and a mix of sadness, depression, and brokenness.

So this post ends up being that mix as well. I am praying that even in the midst of the turmoil that I can find God's joy and God's peace.

And some heat in this house! (It is -6 outside right now, and our infloor heating can't keep up with the leaky windows we have here!!!!! Shiver... but I'm so grateful for the heat that we do have!!)

May you also find that joy and peace.

...attacks coming, learning and growth... prayer needed

On of the things I learned last week is that God will use anyone and anything to speak to you.

Duh, right?

I have learned this before.

I got to meet with the speaker for our women's retreat (coming up at the beginning of February) this past week.

We met to talk about the music that I will be preparing. I wanted to make sure that it dovetailed with her talks. I didn't want to move from upbeat praise to a real introspective talk, etc.

We talked about all sorts of things, getting to know each other. Let me tell you, from right off, I really liked her. I just felt we "clicked," if that makes sense on a first meeting of someone. (For most of you out there, you will get this!!)

Anyway, I felt very comfortable sharing part of my story with her, of depression. I honestly don't remember HOW much I shared, but some of my counseling with Tricia, and some of how I have been recently dealing with depression.

As we talked more, I also shared with how 2 women have had to drop off the team in the course of planning (one of them being my dear friend, Cindy).

She looked at me, at one point in our conversation and said something to the effect of:

Sometimes when we face the most oppression (referencing Cindy and the other gal dropping off, my depression, and some things she is dealing with) is just when God is going to do something really big.

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

It got a bit of fire in my belly... making me think that I am not going to go down under this. I am not going to let the enemy get the best of me, or take me out and interfere with whatever God wants to do.

So, God already used her to teach me something, to remind me of something... to get me up and fighting again.

Please pray, because I really think our team, our speaker, and the women coming to the retreat are really being hit hard.

Another person off our team is not going to the retreat. She will help finish organizing us and help set up, but is not attending. We are down to 3 on the team now for the weekend.

Another woman came to me and because of something that God has made her aware of in there life, she almost decided not to come. She has signed up and paid her money, but expressed some reservations. I am thankful that she talked to me, because I was able to (hopefully) help her to not be concerned.

I need prayer as I prepare in the next week and a half. I am worn out from this past weekend of work on the Annual Celebration at our church. It was a wonderful time, but the extra hours have caught up with me today.

And God used that conversation with the woman who almost didn't sign up for the retreat to point some things out in my heart.... but more on that later I think. That's another post.

Here are a few things I could use help with.

1. Prayer as I prepare the worship, as I pray for each of the women coming.
2. Prayer for me as well, that I don't get so caught up in planning, leading, and my responsibilities that I miss out on hearing what God has to say to me through this weekend.
3. Prayer for our speaker as she prepares her talks and how to communicate on the theme of Brokenness.
4. Prayer for our team as we seek Him, and try to make sure we have everything covered.
5. Prayer for all of us attending that God would speak to our very hearts, in very personal ways.
6. Prayer that we would respond to Him, and surrender all to Him.
7. Prayer for protection from the enemies attacks.

These are my major requests. As God leads you to other prayers for us, please do. He knows what we all need. I just hope and pray that we will feel the unity of His Spirit moving there, and that the enemy would have no ground, no way of interfering with any of the retreat.

Choices. Decisions.

Choices.

It seems it is all about choices we make.

Who do we choose?
What do we choose to do?

Decisions.

There are so many decisions that seem so necessary.

How are we going to handle that?
What is going to be our next move, response, word?


Right now, I am faced with choices and decisions.

I am trying to figure out what is this depression that I find myself struggling with on more than a once a week basis.

Is it seasonal?
Is it hormonal?
Is it chemical?
Is it a stronghold or lie?

If it is any or all of the above, what am I going to do about it?

As stress is building up in my job right now, the depression is something that I really need to keep tabs on.

I remember when I first started seeing my psychiatrist over 2 years ago, he asked me to stop rating my depression on a scale of 1-10. He wanted me to stop focusing on that totally. He wanted me to start focusing on how many "joy" moments I had during the day.

He said we would know when the depression was lifting, and the medication was working for me, when I was at the point where I had the "number" or "level" of joy moments in my daily life that I wanted.

I stopped keeping track, because it was hard to keep a "chart" and because it got to the point where, though things were tough, and there were some days I really had to look for the joy moments to keep going... most of the time, I really had quite a few.

Right now, the stress of my job could be the thing that's taking such a toll on me emotionally. I just am in a stretch of really stressful weeks. By the end of this weekend, I will be done with one part.

But then, I will be preparing for a women's retreat that I am part of the planning committee... and that comes at the beginning of February.

So, part of the depression could be a reaction to the stress I am under.

But I find that I am having to look hard for, and remind myself of, the "joy moments" more and more.

It keeps coming down to choices and decisions I am having to make.

Am I going to try to fit in more things to my already crushed schedule?
Am I going to make healthy choices in the amount and quality of food and sleep I am getting?
Am I going to do the easiest thing, even if it isn't the best thing?
Am I going to try to fight the lies and strongholds, even when I am exhausted?

Will I choose to do what God is calling me to do, or am I going to succumb and knuckle under and give up in defeat.... when the victory is already mine in Christ?

I think we all face these choices. Yearly, monthly, weekly, daily... hourly.....

We face choices.
We make decisions.

We can't "not" make choices and decisions. By not making a choice or decision, we are letting someone else decide for us, and by default we are choosing something.

I don't want to make a decision, by not making a decision about what to do.

I see my psychiatrist in about 2 weeks. I can ask him then what his recommendation would be. I have been doing really pretty well up until about the last month or so. But who knows, maybe my body is still adjusting to not being on an anti-depressant. I don't know. He can only guess.

I guess all of this is to say, we are all facing our own choices, decisions and struggles. Mine is depression, and how to handle it in a safe way.

I know some of my warning signs.

I know too that God is working on me in some areas as I wrote about previously... and further just through this past Sunday at church.

I also know that the enemy knows my weaknesses. He would love to prevent me from being able to minister encouragement to others this weekend during our church celebration. He would love to keep me from being able to serve and minister at the women's retreat. He would love to stress me out, hype me up, and get me to worry myself into panic attacks.

Please pray for me, because I KNOW that God has make me for more than this. I am the apple of His eye and so are you.

Pray that you and I would stand up and make the right choices and decisions... beginning with one declaration.

"Get behind me Satan."

And moving forward from there. Towards God. Towards peace. Into the loving arms of our Savior, safe and sound. The best decision we could ever make.

In the grip of lies...

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. There is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

So, that is where I left you in my last post.... Now, if you haven't read that post, you do need to go back and read it HERE because this one hinges on that one.

Go on. I'll wait for you...

Ok, read it now?

Good.

Now where to go from here....

Oh yes, I was talking about living in an intimate relationship with Christ as our husband - that being the reconciliation that begins at forgiveness.

My next thoughts in my journal were:

Can I trust Him as my Husband? Is this where I am getting stuck? Trusting Him to love me and not leave me, not abandon me?

Talk about a loaded question!

I mean, I have traveled a long way in these two years of blogging. I have gone through a lot of healing, and a lot of it very transparent here. There are somethings, that for the sake of others I have kept off of the public forum. God has healed those as well.

God has taught me, over and over, how much He loves me. I know He does, and believe it with all my heart...

So I thought, until those words above came flowing out.

I think God is leading me deeper... to a deeper love. I have needed the love of Him as my Father... but now I need to know His deeper, more intimate love.... and trust it too. Know and believe it.

At the end of the sermon, our pastor gave us a time of reflection.

I wrote:

Oh Lord, can You possibly love this? This person that I am when I turn away from Your promptings?

The impression of His answer that I got and wrote down....

Who are you to tell me what to do with My love. I give it to whom I choose. I choose you and will not take it back. I do not love as men love.

How do you even respond to that, except with tears.

------------------------

Later a question was asked in our community group time that I am going to ask here.

What keeps you from living with the awareness of God's passionate love for you?

What keeps me from living with that awareness?

• I believe things that are not true.
• 
  
• I feel that God is going to do to me what others have - betray me and hurt me in the same ways, reject me and leave me alone in despair.
• 
  
• I believe the lies, wondering if I can really trust Him. Can I really believe, dare I believe what He says? That He is who He says He is, that He will do what He says He will do, that I am who He says that I am?

I need to believe the truth. I need to believe God's truth. I need to trust Him. I know it, but I need it to sink down deeper into my heart.

I am only now really starting to explore all of this. I am only now letting God crack open that door in my heart where I am broken and can't fix me. Where I have been running from.

I don't want to run.
I don't want to just cope.
I don't want to hide from God by doing other things.

I want to trust Him when I am anxious to calm me.
I want to trust Him when I am depressed to save me.
I want to trust Him when I feel empty to fill me.

I want to trust Him to satisfy my every hunger and thirst with Himself, rather than trying to fill myself with worldly pleasures that lead to pain and bondage... even if they are "harmless."

I don't want find myself waking up with regret in the morning because I indulged the night before.

The enemy is trying to rob me of the joy of the Lord which is my strength. He wants me to believe the lie that I can't trust God to keep loving me when I do wrong and hurt His heart.

That's really what it is. I have done some things that I know God is asking me not to. And guess what? I feel guilty. I will be doing them and even say out loud, "God I know you don't want me to do this, and I'm sorry. I already feel guilty." But in my pride and arrogance, stubbornness and willfulness, I keep on doing whatever it is.

Then I question myself later, and wonder how He could still possibly love me, when I totally stiff arm Him like that?

So I continue to run, because I don't want to see the dying embers of a Husband's love for me, flicker and go out.

I thought I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved me, flaws and all, past and present and future. I really did.

But it seems that there is more deep down, a hurt deep down that I haven't let God's love fully invade.

Here is my final prayer from my journal, from Sunday.

I need Your unconditional, passionate, crazy love to touch my heart in a deeper way than before. To loosen the grip of the lie.

The lie that I am not worth anything - that I am an object to be betrayed - that You will withdraw Your love from me - that You will take your hand off me.

Oh Lord, this hurts to look at. Yet there it is. There I am. It's ugly. The lie is ugly... and knowing its there, after all this time.... that I still believe that somewhere inside..... after all the hard work I have done.... after all the healing God has done.....

When God has proven Himself over and over to me, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, why do I still doubt Him? How can I allow the enemy in there so easily? Why is it so easy for me to surrender sacred ground, rather than stand and fight for it?!

I feel like such a fool when all God is doing is asking for another piece of my heart to heal back into the whole... and I am clenching it, while my hands are being cut to ribbons by it. I'm bleeding all over the place, and am trying to pretend that there is nothing wrong, when it's very obvious that something is terribly wrong.

I need to spend these last few minutes I have alone for the night with my Jesus, who wants me to come sit in His lap.

If you didn't read the link just above, about my heart, read it HERE. Because I need to remember that healing, and the truth in that, rather than the lie that is beating me down and holding me back.

If I can just let go and surrender to God.
Be broken before him.

I am broken inside.
Broken before Him is the only way I will be healed.

I am broken inside, and I can't fix me...

As was obvious from my last post, I have been struggling with some times of darkness.

I have been trying to figure out what is causing it. I have asked God to reveal it to me. I know there is a cause. I know there is something that I am running from, and something that God is trying to work on me and in me.

He is trying to break me. I am broken inside, and I can't fix me, though I try. So I cover up. I cope. I run.

What He wants is for me to stop running.
What He wants is to break me...

...in the right way.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I started to listen to God, at least a little bit. I just laid there and said to Him, "I can't do this day. I can't do the fighting and outbursts from my son and the anger and tension that has been there since Thursday night."

I felt like He said to me, "pray."

"Um, God. I am"

"No. Really pray about it."

And so I did.

I got the distinct impression that I really needed to take a spiritual stand in our house, that morning, that moment. I prayed and took my stand against the enemy of our souls. I know now without a doubt that the angry elephant in the room (courtesy of my friend, Elaine) was trying to get me to concede to him ground that wasn't his in the first place. I needed to take my stand and say that this house, this family, my heart and mind were not Satan's, but God's.

The day got better.

Though I didn't get much more time with Jesus that day, the whole day had a different flavor than the one before.

In the morning, on Sunday, I got up and had a small amount of time to myself before church. I specifically asked God to anoint the worship, and our Pastor's sermon, to fill the church with His Spirit, and to cover us all with His blood, so that our ears would be unstopped and hearts open to hear His word, receive it, and do something with it.

Finally at church, God broke through the barriers I had set up against Him.

Our pastor spoke out of the book of Hosea - speaking of Hosea's marriage as a parallel to Israel's life, but also to our own, and how God has taken everything He had, His very Son, to buy us back from slavery and reconcile His Bride to Himself.

These were a few things that I wrote in my journal.

(figuratively speaking - NOT literal)

How many times God have I danced with other men? How many times have I loved others? How many times have I prostituted myself to others, to other gods, sold myself out, committed adultery against you?

Yet you still pursue me. Why? You still want me. ME. You still love me. You allowed me today to feel you as I clung to you in faith today, in worship... You turned around my thoughts - helped me to have someone to confess to, clearly and honestly what was going on in my life, yesterday. You awoke today my need for You, my desperateness for You - my depravity without You. You love ME.

Again, in the middle of the sermon:

In the midst of my faithlessness and adultery, His love for me has come, covered me like a mighty flood - smooths out my rough edges - like a jagged rock under a waterfall - until I am beautiful and pure before Him.

These thoughts were the preparation for what God revealed next to me. For the most part, for the record, I believe that I am loved by God, fully forgiven and fully loved. I know that in my heart.

But how deeply?

Pastor Kim shared that reconciliation begins with forgiveness, but doesn't end there. Reconciliation is living in a relationship with a God who is our Husband.

That my friends is an intimate relationship. That is a scary relationship. Knowing and being fully known. Being willing to open yourself up to the other, trusting your heart to them, trusting they won't hurt you.

But so many times, here on earth we do hurt our spouses. I know I have. Hurt him, and been hurt.

Our relationships with our spouses are an imperfect reflection of our marriage relationship with Christ. Jesus will never hurt us. He will never walk away from us if we hurt His heart. By dancing with other "men" - other "gods."

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. there is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

(sorry, but this is getting long... so, yes... to be continued)

Darkness creeping in....

This week I would say has "been a week."

You know those.
Best explanation would be LONG.

I have been very busy for work, getting ready for our church's annual celebration. It is going to be really fun, but a lot of work up front for me.

I have met with a new friend through our bible study... we have enveloped two new women, and one of the women's daughter. It has taken some minor adjustments to our group, where we meet, how we fit all of us around a table, and just getting to know and trust each other enough to be pretty real with each other.

One of the women I have really clicked with. We have some things in common, and we got together this week for dinner. We had such a good time, and a great time of sharing.

I knew God was in the conversation and in our sharing and how we related. I was completely at peace about it. Since then, I have found myself wondering how much to trust, how much to reveal, concerned about so many things that really God is in control of. As He demonstrated just in our first getting together.

I think the enemy has been working me over pretty good though since then. This whole week has had good things, and great things, and though there were stresses, it was really, really good to see how God worked through it all.

So why do I only see the things that haven't happened? The things that I have been hit by?

I was feeling sick, mid-week, to the point that I really couldn't eat very much. I just wasn't feeling good. I slept a lot.

However, there is something bothering to me.

What, you ask?

I have no idea.

But it feels like I am trying to medicate, anesthetize myself so that I don't feel something, or think about something... or maybe even to keep myself from drawing close to God.

But what would I be so afraid of? Afraid enough that I want to block anything out, stop thinking? Why would I not want to be close to God? Close to Him is the safest place to be... why fear that?

I suppose part of it, is the world, my flesh, and the devil working against me to keep me from really pursuing God.

I want so much of God, I want to be free of some things that have been plaguing me. I don't know how to do that and am at sort of a loss. Its more than "doing" something to refocus myself, though bible studies and stuff are good.

It's really about being.

I was going along so well this summer, practicing the presence of God, really being with Him, still with Him. Now I have found that it is very hard to do again. I have lost the consistency of it that I had.

.... and I find this depression creeping in on me....

It darkens the edges of my day, of my thoughts, my perceptions of everything around me.

It is starting to take more and more effort to do things needing doing. To get out and run errands, to do tasks around the house, to even have the motivation to go outside and play with the kids.

I have just wanted to curl up and hide. Sleep. Disengage my mind. I fought against it so hard last night at our bible study, that I was so anxious by the end that I could hardly sit still.

I am so very tired.

I had been doing so much better for such a long time, that even when I hit a road block, that I know is gonna happen at one point or another as God works on me at a new level, I don't want to write.

I think that is why it has been so silent here. I have tried to be upbeat when I have written, but I don't have that in me today.

So this is what you get.

This girlfriend.
Struggling, hurting, confused, depressed and wanting to run.

Life is good, God is better!

Last year at this time, I was looking at my life, wondering how I was possibly going to get through the new year with no counseling. I had just finished with my counselor, and was scared I couldn't do it on my own.

I was right. I couldn't.
But God did.

There were many things that He helped me do this year.

He prompted me to sign up for the conference "She Speaks" through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I prepared my talks, I went, I made new friends, I spoke... I also learned a ton!

God got me involved in the leadership team that is helping plan our church's first women's retreat (coming in February).

He also gave me a part time job as the administrator for my church.

Those are 3 big things that I didn't think I would be doing any time soon. Looking into 2009 last year, I had no idea those things were on the horizon (though I did suspect that She Speaks was).

God has blessed me in so many ways this year. Though I haven't written as much as I did the first year, I am just finishing my second year of blogging. I still have been able to write, and not just "newsy" stuff, but heart stuff too.

He has given me friendships through my blog and through Facebook that I would have never thought possible.

He helped me work through and memorize 24 verses through the Siesta 1st and 15th Scripture Memory challenge through the LPM blog. Some of them are a bit fuzzy now.... but I still have them there, and I still had them as I needed them for the circumstances I faced.

He helped me get a solo in Wausau Lyric Choir last spring. Did a major healing in me through that concert alone. And then He asked me to step down from it this year. It has made me sad, but right now, I know it would be too much and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I got to go, with several miracles on God's part, with a friend to the Living Proof Live event in Green Bay this year.

Jesus has led me through some life coaching with a dear friend.... and helped me walk with that same friend through some rough times of her own this fall and winter.

One thing that I didn't accomplish was getting finished with writing about She Speaks and all that I learned there. I kind of left you all hanging there... at Part 8 I think... when I was done with all my portion of the speaking, and going in to hear Jennifer Rothschild speak to us.

I guess I will have to finish up writing about She Speaks this coming year!


There is that familiar phrase that everyone uses (almost, it seems anyway) "Life is good." It's even its own clothing label now.

Life IS good....
Because GOD is good.

Whether the circumstances are good or not.... and they aren't always good...... God is in them. He is good. He loves each and every one of us so dearly.

And that is what makes life good.

Because even in the dark, in the light, and in the in-between God is there with us. He holds us, no matter how far away we push Him.... He stays there. With us.

Always.

Life is good....
.... but God is better!

May God bless you and yours this day and all the ones to come.
Love,

Advent of Trust #24 and 25

I am a bit behind with my Advent posts.... ok, two behind. Byt there are some reasons... really! :)

The day after Christmas, and it is relatively quiet here. Peter is playing behind me. Marina is at the farm. The kids and I are all sick... I didn't get it till yesterday, and Peter relapsed last night. Probably too much excitement and traveling and late nights.

I didn't get to post the last couple of days because we traveled a lot in the bad weather. I either had no internet access, or no time to get on the computer.

We had a huge winter storm come in, and had to drive from here to Madison in bad weather on Christmas Eve. Thankfully we were able to get there and once we got through the freezing rain that was happening near us, we were just contending with wet roads, rain and bad drivers around us.

We had a wonderful time with my family that day, and it was a great time for all of us to reconnect again.

God has blessed us so much with a wonderful family.

We went to Madison prepared to spend the night because the weather was supposed to be worse that evening. But we decided, partially because Dave had to work Christmas day, and partially because we had a friend in Madison who was trying to make it to Mosinee that night, to push through and try to make it home.

We packed up the kids, drove to the north side of Madison in wind and rain, and met up with Matt. Then we hit the road, with Matt following us in his car. Things were wet, but fine until just north of Portage, WI.... then went downhill from there.

Snow, sleet, freezing rain and wind.
Crazy drivers passing us at breakneck speed.

Several slide offs and spin outs were passed. But not one of them ended up being us. Praise God!

We averaged anywhere from 50 miles an hour to about 30 miles an hour. When we made it home, we unwound a bit, and then turned over our office to Matt and went to bed about 1:30am.

I woke up at 8:30, and as quickly as we could we partially unpacked Dave's car from the Madison trip, threw our presents for Dave's family into my car, and headed for the farm. We had several celebrations with Dave's family (some family that was leaving town this morning, and then his parents and brother, then some friends of the family who came over).

I took a nap in the afternoon (BLISS!!!) in between celebrations. Peter and Marina played with family, toys and watched a movie. They had a wonderful time.

We had such a good time with everyone.

God blessed us this year. Even with the horrible weather, and our long traveling.

We are coming down off the "high" of Christmas and are so grateful for our family and friends.

We gave one of our son's friends a bible. Her first. She is a reader, and was so excited about getting it, that she started reading it right away.... as in, took it to a back bedroom, and had me help her learn how to look up a scripture verse she had memorized in AWANA, then started reading in Genesis. She read the first 3 chapters in Genesis last night before bed, her mom told me.

She just started going to AWANA this year with Peter. She has loved it, memorizing loads of verses at a time, and now finding great enjoyment in having her own bible.

I remember at the beginning of the year being hesitant at getting the kids involved in AWANA because of the time commitment of it. Now, I can see the fruits of trusting God with it, not only in my own kid's lives, but also the life of someone else who was touched through that ministry... including this little girl's family as well.

I hope that God will help me remember to trust, no matter what is going on around me. He has shown me the fruits of that trust this year, this season of Advent, and just these past few days. Lives influenced and changed, amazing outcomes of surgery, healing bodies and hearts and emotions, safe travels and a friend home safe.

He is so good.

I hope that you have learned as much as I have through this journey through Advent of Trust. May I leave you with one more encouragement from God's word.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to Him,
For God is our refuge.
Selah."
Psalm 62:8

Advent of Trust #23; getting a "no?"

This devotional entry from "Jesus Calling," by Sarah Young is very appropriate for tonight.

December 23
"I am King of kings and Lord of lords, dwelling in dazzlingly bright Light! I am also your Shepherd, Companion, and Friend - the One who never lets go of your hand. Worship me in my holy Majesty; come close to Me, and rest in My Presence. You need Me both as God and as Man. Only My Incarnation on that first, long-ago Christmas could fulfill your neediness. Since I went to such extreme measures to save you from your sins, you can be assured that I will graciously give you all you need.
Nurture well your trust in Me as Savior, Lord and Friend. I have held back nothing in My provision for you. I have even deigned to live within you! Rejoice in all that I have done for you, and My Light will shine through you into the world."
Page 374

I am working on nurturing that trust in Jesus as my Savior, Lord and Friend. I am working on remembering that if God gave us His one and only Son, how would He not graciously give us all things.

It is such a beautiful truth that God knows what is best for us, even when we ask for something we think is good... if it really isn't, He will say no.

I might get my "no" tomorrow when Dave goes out in the morning to "test" how bad the roads are to determine if we can make it to Madison or not. I might get God's "no." Whether that is because we are not supposed to go now, because we could get hurt or stuck in the storm... or because we will be harmed by trying so hard to squeeze too much into such a short amount of time.

Maybe a "no" will be God's way of getting us to slow down a bit more these next couple of days.

I don't know.

That may never be explained....

I mean, what if we head out, and feel it's safe in the morning, and end up stuck, in a ditch or worse? God knows all... He knows what will happen tomorrow and the next couple of days. Maybe He will let us in on it, and again, maybe He won't.

Either way, I know that He will work out all things for the good of those who love Him. He will work out all the situations of this weekend for our good and, more importantly, for His glory.

Now, will my head please tell that to my heart?

Advent of Trust #22; I WILL TRUST

From Dictionary.com

Trust:
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

I will not trust in my car, I will not trust in the weather, or the weather man!

I will not trust in presents to make me happy.

I will not trust in my family to make me happy and give me a sense of worth.

I WILL TRUST in the name of the Lord, by whom I am saved.

I WILL TRUST in God the strength and shield of my life. He will keep me safe and preserve my life. He knows when I will leave this earth, just as much as He planned when I came into it.

No matter the weather, I will celebrate Christmas with my family in the next two days. That means, even if the weather precludes our travel to Madison to see my family, I will still celebrate with my family. Celebrate that Jesus came and was born and grew up as a man, and died and rose again as the Living God.

God is good, and in the uncertainties of life... even of these couple of days of crazy weather, I will trust in Him.

Advent of Trust #21; the fruit of trusting...

Today was a special day for me. It was my birthday and my son's birthday as well.

I walked into work this morning, to a "Happy Birthday" balloon attached to my desk, and cards.

I got home to a precious package from a couple who have become dear friends to me. We have only known each other through our blogs, and emails back and forth. But through just those avenues, God has blessed both of us.

The internet may be a strange way in some people's sight, to connect and make friends. But I have found that God has blessed me with friends that I would have never found otherwise. Removed by states, countries, long distance phone calls, long drives.

My blog started out as a way to communicate with a friend who was oversees for a year. It was a way to share with closer friends and family what was going on in my life, and slowly, as I got more bold, I was able to share more of my heart.

That was when God introduced me to people, and brought others to my blog. Some of us have formed connections, that though distance separates us, and sometimes long silences as well, won't easily be broken.

This couple that sent me this birthday package.. I got a rare glimpse into their home tonight. A CD accompanied a sweet, homemade gift of cookies, with the recipe. On that CD I got to see my friends, hear their voices, see their home, their pets, photos of their children. It was precious to me... so much so.

And I know that they put such love and thought into their gifts to me, and to my son. I am so blessed.

I decided that I would trust God in leading me into safe relationships through facebook and my blog. He has done just that. My horizons have been expanded by the people who have come into my life.

God has challenged me to be authentic here, to be transparent and open with all that goes on in my life (within certain limits) and I have trusted Him and written my heart, even when I was a bit scared to.

That trust has brought me many blessings, and the fruit of one of those was a dear package I got in the mail today from new friends, whose voices I got to hear for the first time.

Thank you.

Advent of Trust #20; Listen the first time

Today we sat up at the very front of church. It's something that my son insists on. He wants to be near the very front, because his AWANA leader sits in the front, and he wants to sit right behind her.

So there we were in the second row, when my 3 3/4 yr. old daughter, Marina, decided to cop an attitude with me. I don't remember what it was about. I just know that during the sermon, she started pouting and loudly telling me "no" about something. Right in front of Pastor Kim.

Yeah.

That didn't go over so well with me.

I made sure she understood that if she didn't quite down we were out of there. She made more noise, and I moved her to the aisle, picked her up and made my way to the back of the church.

She started to put up a fight, kicking her legs (imagine me holding her facing away from me, sitting as if my arms were a seat... then her arching her back and kicking at the same time....)

Then she realized that everyone in the church could see her.
Everyone.

Because. we. were. in. the. front.

She stopped fighting me and I started hearing her stifling her cries.

By the time we were near the back row, she had clapped both hands over her mouth to keep her crying "inside."

As soon as we got out the doors of the sanctuary, she stopped stifling the cries, and let loose.... all the way back to the library.

There we had some privacy for some discipline. A short talk, then we walked back into the sanctuary. Marina was much better the rest of the service.

Aren't we like my daughter sometimes?

We know what we are supposed to do, we have freedom within certain limits. But we push our limits, and are reminded to stay within them or there will be consequences. Sometimes we listen. Other times, well, not so much.

When we don't listen, God has to take us, and discipline us. Sometimes we look for sympathy from others... sometimes we know and dread what's coming, and stifle our cries till we can't any longer.

But when we finally submit, surrender and seek forgiveness, how quickly the relationship is restored!

I wish I would learn to "listen the first time" as I tell my children. If I only listened the first time to my Father, I would be so much better off. I can't tell you how much grief I would have been spared, had I only listened the first time.

I am resolving to try to listen the first time to God. Even when I don't want to, or would rather drag my feet. As I have read, and tried to instill in my kids, "Slow obey is no obey." Resisting doing what God says, or telling Him that I will do it later is not obeying Him.

It's just like my daughter. She might have finally obeyed me this morning, without my having to take her out of the service. What would she have learned? It was OK to do what mommy wanted you to do, in your OWN timing, not mommy's.

Overall lesson learned? If someone wants you to do something, you can take your time at doing it... as long as it finally gets done, after lots of asking and pleading and threats.

That wouldn't apply very well to her relationship with God.

And it doesn't work very well in my relationship with God either.

Let's just say that if I had listened to God a month ago about something, I would have saved myself a month of stuffing, anxiety, fear, frustration and overall stress.

It boils back down to something I have been finding over and over again this month.
TRUST.
Trust in God.

If I fully trust Him, if He has proven Himself trustworthy (and He has) then I need to settle in for the ride and trust Him.

No matter what He tells me to do.

Just as it hurts my heart when my kids don't trust something I say, or trust me enough to do something I want them to that's out of their comfort zone, how much more does it hurt our Father's heart when I don't trust Him?

I don't want to do that any more.

Let's work together.

Let's "listen the first time."

Advent of Trust #19; a family

About 3 weeks ago or so, our small group leader called everyone in the small group to see if we were ok with a couple of new people coming to our group.

We all said yes, and so this week was the 3rd week they have been with us.

I was concerned about how they would fit in, and if they would feel at home. I have been hosting lately because the kids have been with us every week, because of my work schedule now. So, everyone comes here, so that I can get the kids to bed on time, so that they aren't too tired the next day with school and all.

I was nervous too, about having two new people coming in. I mean, I clean for small group coming over, but finally got over my perfectionism enough to be able to let some things go when my friends came over. However, with two new people coming, I found myself getting all tied in knots and unable to focus on one thing at a time!

You know what? I should have trusted God in the first place when we were asked to fold two new people into our small group. Hmmm..... You think???

I let my mind and my preconceived ideas take over, and was unable to relax.

This past week, the kids happened to be gone at the farm for the night. I was able to really relax and enjoy everyone.

After talking with one of the gals a bit as we were making coffee drinks for everyone, and after our discussion in the living room later.... I realized that this was for all of our good and for God's glory. It was good for us to shake up our normal conversations, and comfortable assumptions.

Having two new gals here to question us, and seek answers from God, search the word with us, and share their experiences, has been invigorating... at least for me.

God showed me again to TRUST HIM, even with changing up some of our dynamics within our small group.

This Sunday (the 20th) after church, our small group is gathering with my husbands family to celebrate my son's and my birthday. One of our new members is going to join us out there. I am so thrilled, because I want to get to know her. She is warm and genuine, though she is a bit standoffish in the beginning, she has grown in just the past couple of weeks to open up to us and share.

I am thankful that God has brought both of these precious women into our small group. God has led a unique bunch of people together, bonded us with His love and trust in Him. He has united us in one purpose, to seek Him first, build up and encourage one another, and to learn what it is like to live, love and serve together, as a family.

I am grateful to have been called to such a position in such a family.
I am grateful that He helped me to trust Him enough to open up and trust this family He brought me into.

Advent of Trust #18; trusting Him in reconciliation

I have been struggling with learning how to deal with conflict and make reconciliation a priority in my life.

Facing fear, trusting God to work things out, and speak to people with whom we might be in conflict, takes a lot of gumption.

It's not something that comes easy for me.
For anyone!

Through the process, God has given me opportunities to reconcile with people. I have had the chances to talk to people in my life that I have felt tension with. He has been faithful to work them out. The conversations were not easy, by any means, but useful in setting my mind at rest.

Now I need to work on my part of it. Some of that is not allowing myself to "dredge up" old feelings based on misconceptions. Part of that is renewing my mind. Reminding myself that this person or that person did not intent what I assumed. Therefore, my feelings are based on a lie.

That has been hard, because if I start allowing myself to dwell on the hurts I feel, I find bitterness creeping in. That is not what God has intended for me. I have to stop the feelings and make sure that things are lining up with God's word, in my head. If my thoughts are not lining up with the truth, then I have no business thinking them!!!

Dealing with some of these stressful situations and relationships now has led to some more peace.

I was so stressed out when I was resisting God's call to reconciliation. I had perpetual anxiety plaguing me all day long. I found myself frustrated and fearful of talking to people because I didn't want to be causing division.

Once I finally made the decision to talk to the people I needed to, once I verbalized it to someone to hold me accountable, I found peace overtaking me. Suddenly the knot in my stomach released some.

It's amazing the peace that's found in obeying God!

Trusting God to work all the things for good for all people involved, and working all things so that He is glorified, is hard, but well worth the effort.

The more we walk the path of reconciliation, forgiveness, confession.... the easier it will be... the more like Jesus we will look.

The first time is hard. The first time you feel like you left a million things out when the conversation is over. The first many times you find yourself shaking with relief that the conversations are done.

God is to be trusted though, and if he says to drop everything at the alter and go be reconciled first, then you had better do it!

There is a reason He has said it. There is purpose behind His wanting you to reconcile with others. It's for your good and for His glory!

Advent of Trust #17; He likes me....

Our small group has been reading through a book by Bruce Wilkinson called "Secrets of the Vine." We read a chapter a week and then discuss it when we come together again.

This week we were talking about really abiding in God's presence. He talks about how abiding isn't doing more for God. Abiding is about a relationship, the most important friendship in our lives. In our world it is so hard for us to stop doing and just be.

It takes letting go of our control and letting God take over. The world will go on without us, believe it or not!

But how many of us really want to let go of that control? Especially if we feel that God doesn't like us?

"If our need for this relationship [a deep, abiding friendship] is so deep and constant, why do so few of us fervently pursue it? One of the primary reasons, I'm convinced, is that we don't really believe God likes us. Sure, we believe God loves us in a theological sense (God loves everybody, right?), but we don't feel particularly like by Him. We're convinced that He remembers all the bad things we've done in the past and is quick to judge how we're doing now. We assume He's impatient, busy with more important things, and reluctant to spend time with us. Why would you want to spend time with a person who felt that way about you?"

I know there were so many times in the past that I have had struggles with how I feel God views me. It's more because of how I viewed myself, and I assumed that God viewed me the same way.

It isn't as bad anymore. There are many days where I feel very secure with God, knowing that He loves me and likes me. He created me (and you) and delights in us. As that has sunk into my head and heart, it has become more of a part of me.

There are still times when I don't find myself hanging onto that. There are times when I feel that God is not liking me very much and holding past offenses, past sins against me. The old thoughts, the old lies take over.

But when I look at the past and what God has done for me, I remember to trust in His care for me, His love for me and that He not only likes me, but delights in me.

Advent of Trust #16; Scripture memory Part 2

"Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 2 Peter 1:4

This is the second verse of my final scripture memory for this year.

These both were good verses to finish off my year with.

God's glory and goodness have given us great and precious promises. Promises we can trust in. Promises that He will be with us all the time. Promises that He loves us. Promises that we are reminded of again and again during this season of Advent.

He has given us HIS very great and precious promises. Think of all the promises that are in the Bible. Think of the different ways He fulfills His promises to us.

As we talked last night at our bible study, we talked about how difficult it is for us to remember how God has been faithful in the past. We come up against new things, challenges, difficulties and we panic and try to take care of them in our own strength.

We forget to trust.
We forget the way God has fulfilled His promises to us in the past.
We forget that He has given us everything we need.

We think that we have to try to do it all on our own. We end up getting caught up in the world's definitions of success, freedom, security. We allow our own desires and sinful habits of coping take over, we fall back into them.

There are days when things go great and we are thrilled because for once, for one day (or maybe on hour) we have relied on God. Then there are the days where we fall back into the old groove again. The old tapes play, we find ourselves believing the old lies...

But we can participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption of the world......
Through His great and precious promises.

Praise God He always gives us a way out. He gives us strength for the circumstances. He gives us peace for the journey.
He gives us the reminder that He is with us the whole way, and will help us renew our minds.

He gives us chance after chance to trust Him. And He doesn't give up on us.
Praise God!

Advent of Trust #15; Scripture Memory Part 1

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by his own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3

This is the first part of my current LPM Scripture Memory... and my last scripture of the year... #24.

It just hit me that my friend Cindy has been quoting this verse to me probably for the last year, and I finally got to the point where I needed to memorize it. It is a good thing to hang my hat on at the end of the year.

What a promise this is!

He "has given" us everything we need. Past tense. There is no wondering if we are going to get what we need. It's already given to us.

It's not just everything we need for our life... which is wonderful in and of itself... but for godliness as well.

Can you imagine?

It's not about our striving or hoping or working on it. He has given us everything we need to live godly lives. Jesus in us, the Holy Spirit guiding us, God Himself on our side. All we need to do is recognize our need, ask for His help.... and trust that He has already given us that help.

Obtaining what His divine power has given us comes through our knowledge of Him. Talk about making me want to dig into the Bible even more! What better way to get to know our Father than by digging into the very word that He wrote, that He speaks through?

The more we know Him, the better we understand all that we need for life and godliness. We can appropriate it for our own.

And the final words of this verse are so easy to gloss over.

"...who called us by his own glory and goodness."

We are called... not because of us... but because of Him...

His glory.
His goodness.

Look around us now... Look at the preparations underway for Christmas. Christmas is all about His glory and His goodness being expressed to us.

You have been called.
I have been called.

By His glory and His goodness.
By His Son.

Let's prepare Him room. Let's look towards celebrating our calling by Him this Christmas. It's so close. This year, don't miss thanking Him for calling us, for giving us everything we could ever need, for helping us to live godly lives, for giving us a way to know Him.

Trust Him with your whole heart. This season commemorates the beginning of the earthly life of the One who would die for our sins so we could live in freedom before Him.

May God renew your Trust in Him.... His divine power is more than enough... for you, for everything and everyone.

Advent of Trust #14; Beauty in scars

I was reading a devotional the other day by Jennifer Rothschild called "Fresh Grounded Faith." This is what I read:

"[Our] beauty comes from the radiance of Christ that is best revealed through our scars. It's a compelling strength that becomes realized only in our weakness. It's a beauty forged in the refining fire of trials, and a loveliness fashioned on the anvil of faithfulness."
(Day 1, Page 15)

I want Christ's radiance to be shown through me. Every day, in every way.

It won't if I hang onto control of my life. If I insulate and isolate myself from life, and don't allow myself to be really touched by life, by anyone, Christ won't be seen in me.

I won't take risks where my weakness is seen, so His strength can fill me.
I won't be wounded by life, and healed by Him.
I won't face trials, and be refined and perfected.

I desire that loveliness. But that loveliness doesn't just come. Jennifer's quote says that it comes on "the anvil of faithfulness."

An anvil sounds painful doesn't it?

It takes a lot of faithfulness to stay on that anvil when life pounds you down flat. It takes trust in the Master and His ability to use the heat, the pounding, the pain in just the right way to mold you and shape you into who He wants you to be.

Only by being pounded, shaped, polished, refined will His beauty be reflected in us, out of us. Only then will His beauty shine out of us. Through the wounds the scars that run so deep, and mark our character for Him.

Lord, may your beauty shine through me. May my scars shine with Your radiance, so others don't see me, but You. May I prove to be trusting in You to the very end. Grow my trust in You, and deepen it even more, so that I may walk into a whole new level of relationship with you. Amen

Advent of Trust #13; First trust

When was the first time you trusted Jesus?

I mean REALLY trusted Him?

Our pastor shared a story with us this Sunday.

He went out hunting a few times this week, on a piece of property he isn't that familiar with. But he knew that when he walked out from where he parked his car, he would get to a point in the path where he had to do was start walking due east and he would land right at a huge pine tree, where his stand was.

He got up early, left his vehicle, made sure he had his compass in his pocket and his head lamp with him. He headed down the path and eventually got to the point where the path forked. He pulled out his compass, turned on the lamp and then realized he had a problem.

He didn't have his reading glasses with him.

He stood there for a long time, trying to decide which little letter on the dial was east and which was west. He tried to decipher the little illuminated markers around the dial... made his choice and started walking.

Pretty soon.... well you know what happened.

He came to a spot he had never seen before. There was this road cutting through the woods, probably an old fire trail. He walked up and down it for a few moments, his blood pressure rising. He could hear the sound of the highway, but couldn't quite tell where it was. It was cloudy so he couldn't get his bearings from the sun.

And there he stood. His frustration at himself rising,

He realized then, so this is what it feels like to be lost.

Then something happened.
An angel appeared.

Well, ok, not an angel per se, but another hunter in blaze orange walked out of the woods into the clearing. When our pastor explained what had happened, the other hunter pointed out that he had walked north east, not straight east. He pointed him back towards the southwest, and our pastor found his way home.

He knew where home was. He was lost, and needed someone to point him in the direction of home.

You see, he was raised in the church, so he never before really felt "lost" before, or the desperate need for a Savior, for someone to point him in the right direction, to show him the path.

He asked us to think back and remember, if we could, what it was like when we were lost. Did we realize our desperate state right away? Did it take a crisis to realize it?

I was walking along fine in the woods of high school, had a general idea of the path to go, into college, graduate with a music ed degree and then teach. As I reached the end of high school, graduated, and looked ahead to going into college, I still thought I could figure my way out.

I got into college and loved the courses I had, but was lost in the "woods" of people with no connection to anyone. I was completely alone, wasn't sure of my way anymore or if I was headed the right direction.

Then through some equally lost friends, inviting me to be part of a Christian musical, Jesus found me and pointed me in the right direction. I trusted Him to know the way better than I did. He led and I followed, knowing without being told much about Him right away, that He knew what He was talking about.

It didn't mean that the bumps were taken out of the path, or that the branches didn't grab at me or stumps and logs trip me up. But it did mean that I always have had a compass with which to take a good sighting and find the path again toward home.

As long as I trust my Compass, I will always go the right way.

So, what happened to make you realize you were lost in the woods? Are you still? Do you need to just trust that Person who has stepped out of the woods to show you the right direction to go?

May this be your first Advent of Trust, or may you renew your trust in a new, deeper way.

Advent of Trust #12; Conflict and Trust

Little problems don't go away if you ignore them.

They may go under the surface for a while, but they resurface at another time. Sometimes all the little problems start adding up, and so when one more little problem is added to the pile, it all blows up and seems to be about one little thing, when it might have been months of little things.

If we dealt with the little thing - the first little thing - in a healthy, God honoring way, it would save us and others a whole lot of heartache.

When I am in conflict with someone, you wouldn't be able to tell it. I typically have only nice things to say about them, it's all internal. I seek God's forgiveness if I have sinned in my thoughts/attitudes/heart and then let it go. Until something else happens.

I have had an occasion, when I was much younger, where I spoke up about something that I didn't think was right, got slammed, and was quiet the rest of the night. We continued on in the project, my ideas ignored, and my concerns pushed aside.

I never pushed the issue after first bringing it up. We went through our class presentation. When we were done, we were verbally critiqued. Many of the things brought up as our weaknesses as a group were things that I had thought of. Some of them were the things I had tried to bring up, others were ones that I had ignored cause I didn't want to get slammed again.

I never said a word to my teacher. I never said a word to the students I had worked with. It just "went away."

When an opportunity comes up now, after going through some training and reading a book called "Making Peace" by Jim Van Yperen, I know I am going to have to handle it much differently.

Let's put this another way. God is challenging me to handle conflict in a whole new way for me. A way of redemption and reconciliation.

That makes me afraid. Afraid that I will be pushed aside. Afraid that I will react/respond in a manner that will be less than edifying. Afraid to "confront" someone when I feel something is not going well, or when there have been miscommunications, or anything.

I don't want to confront anyone. I know the Bible says to go to that person you have a conflict with (whether they know it or not) and to go quickly and privately, individually to that person and make things right. Don't go to someone else first. Don't delay. Don't let lots of little things pile up. NO EXCUSES. Just go.

That the Bible tells us what to do in conflict is wonderful. However, it isn't easy.

It requires trust that God will make it right. Whether it immediately seems to come out right or not, God will work it all together for the good of all those involved.

One of the things I am most guilty of is listening to gossip. Someone's having a problem with someone else. I sympathize, they talk and get some relief from the tension they have been feeling, and no one gets helped. Jim Van Yperen calls this triangulation.

The other problem is, I tend to do the same. I don't want to talk to the other person, and risk "conflict" in our relationship (not realizing it's already there, unacknowledged)... so I go to someone else, someone I trust, and seek their advice.

Jim says in his book,
"Triangulation is an affront to the Cross because it robs a fellow believer of the opportunity for understanding, forgiveness, and reconciliation. If I go to a friend to talk about you instead of going to you, I have sinned against you in two ways. First I have kept you from knowing there is a problem and robbed you of the opportunity to ask forgiveness. Second, I have sinned against you by talking about you behind your back."

Only recently, after a leadership seminar at my church did I realize how wrong this was. I immediately put a cap on my conversations with others. I watched what I said, and asked God to show me when and where I was essentially slandering others behind their back. I never did it intentionally before. Never. I felt completely innocent of that. I honestly had been seeking advice in how to handle issues and situations.

But maybe the people I had talked to weren't mature enough to handle the information, my opinions correctly. I don't know. And they sure never referred me to talk to the original person I had a problem with. OK... not totally true. One person did, and that was my counselor. :) I guess that counts, and it may or may not have been slander, because she was counseling me through a situation..... that's another issue entirely! :)

The point is, there has been one person in my life right now I have been able to talk to. She has already read this book on "Making Peace" and already been applying the principles laid out in it, in her life.

As I have felt so insecure about dealing with conflict with others, I have asked her advice, and asked her if it was ok to talk to her with specifics, so that I could get help to talk to others, so I would have an idea of how to handle myself. She has been very consistent about pointing me to going to the other person and talking to them, rather than allowing me to vent to her, and not deal with the conflict.

It's a blessing, but it's scary.

Facing conflict head on, and dealing with it in a healthy, God-honoring way is a good thing. It's incredibly hard.

It's something that God has commanded us to do.
That means He expects us to do it. To obey.
That means it takes trust to step out and do as He has commanded.

Another step into the unknown. Yet He goes with us. He goes with me. It's another area of anxiety for me, but I want to do what is right.

Lord, help me to see Your face light up with joy as I attempt to take those first few wobbly steps closer to you. Just as my face lights up to see my babies take their first real steps towards my open arms. Just as my face lights up when they try new, scary things for them, at my urging... trusting me that I won't lead them into harm. Help me to trust that you won't lead me into harm, even if it does seem a really long way to the water below this diving board I am on. I just want to see the joy on Your face for me as I make the attempt. Help me to bask in the warmth of that glow, and having been filled to overflowing with Your love and joy, take the step off the edge in obedience to your commands. Amen.