Respite of a quiet moment...

Yesterday, I posted about how I was sick and tired... how our whole house was sick and tired.

I got a comment from L.L. Barkat "Flu. Ick. May you find respite in some quiet moment soon."

This morning it wasn't perfect. But I did get a bit of a respite.

The kids were tired, and sitting on the couch, watching their morning cartoons. I snuggled back up in bed (just around the corner from them, but out of sight) with my bible and a couple of bible studies I have been working on.

I have been behind in these studies this week. I have gotten behind in the daily homework. Since I was too sick to go to my Esther study this morning, I decided to take the time to try to get caught up.

I was able to do one day of homework in my other study, and then switched books. I just love Beth Moore! This is the first bible study of her's that I have been able to do... Esther. Oh! It is so good!

It was like settling down to a good conversation with a good friend. It felt familiar and comfortable, and yet challenged me to look into the Word and really dig into it. It felt so wonderful. Some people would think that the mental exercise would be exhausting...

... even that early in the morning.. it was the respite I needed.

It provided the energy to deal with sick kids.
It provided the stamina to take a shower... (yes, its taken me while to even feel like doing that)

It provided the desire in my heart to have more of a connection with my heavenly Father, all day, rather than just that little bit this morning. It gave me a taste of Him and invited Him into my day today.

The respite of a quiet moment.

It was a much needed moment, a much needed respite.

Thank You, Jesus, for the chance today to start the day off with you, even with sick and cranky kids, and a sick and cranky me. Keep us safe this day, and help me to do what I need to, and have the energy to do it. Help me to know when to rest, and when to play, and when to work. Heal me and heal my kids. Keep my husband healthy. Bless us all with more quiet moments of respite. Amen.

Sick and tired, and a prayer request...

I haven't had much energy to write this week.

The kids and I have been fighting a losing battle with the flu. No idea whether it is the regular strain or not, but we are down and out.

I also have been working, though the last couple of days were half days, because of how I was feeling.

I feel like my brain is mush. It's been hard to concentrate, just cause of how I have been feeling. I have had a hard time quieting myself to pray, and when I do, my mind wanders so quickly. It has also been hard to write, or do a bible study or anything.

All that to say, there have been lots of ideas that float through my head to write about, but do you think that I could ever remember them long enough to write them down?

Yeah, you guessed it. Not even close!

I wanted to share with you a prayer request though.

My dear friend Cindy has just lost her father.
She is struggling quite a bit, as you can imagine.

She is on her way to Tennessee to meet up with her brother and sister, and her daughter. She is driving about 3 hours today, and then will drive the rest of the trip tomorrow. The funeral is at 1pm on Friday. I don't know how long she will be down there, but she needs lots of prayer to get through it all.

She wrote a brief post about her dad HERE, and about how God showed such grace to her, by allowing her one last talk with her dad. It's worth the moment it takes to run over there and read it.

Hopefully by the end of this week things will be slow enough, and I will be feeling well enough to share a bit about a conference I went to last week, and some things God laid on my heart.

Until then,
God bless and thank you for your prayers on behalf of my friend, Cindy, and our sick family!

An important question...

"When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
And through the rivers,
they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire,
you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.
For I am the LORD your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."

Isaiah 43:2-3a

This is the verse that I am going to hang my hat on for the next 2 weeks or so. It is my Scripture Memory Verse for October 15th.

I need to hang onto something.

The emotions are still up and down.
But I know that my God is worth hanging onto.
His truth, His Word is the light on my path.

He is my Savior.

He has led me through so much. He has brought me through the waters and the fire. He has brought me out of those things. No I wasn't consumed. The waters cleansed me. The fire purified me.

Again and again, God is going to use the painful things in our lives to stretch us and grow us.

This is probably another time such as that. I am working on a new schedule with my family. I am working out new responsibilities with a new job. I am working on trying to grow closer to God, to grow and mature in my relationship with Him.

However, I am realizing, as I am writing this, that I am making it all about me. My trying. Not God doing and me "being." As Cindy says, we are human "beings" not human "doings."

I am going to go have something little to eat, continue with the laundry, and in the middle of that, spend some time sitting in Jesus' lap.

Cindy asked me a question yesterday, that she was asked by her life coach, and she wanted me to think on it and answer it before we get together again for our life coaching.

The question.

What do you long for in your relationship with God?

It is one I am going to be working on and thinking about for a bit.

Anyone else want to share with me what your answer to that question it? I would love to hear. What better way to encourage each other in our walks, that to know, and to have others know what it is we long for in our relationship with God, and to hear each others' longings as well.

This week and prayers...

This week has been a long one.

This week has been a good one too.

I have started getting oriented to my new job. Bonus is, the person doing my orientation is Cindy, one of my best friends.

Another bonus?

My bosses are my pastors
Their boss?
Well, you know... :)

All in all, it is a pretty good job.

My husband is my tech support, so he is going to get up to the church in the next day or two, and assess my computer, the secretary's computer and our senior pastor's computer. All three are running really slow and need help. So we are going to get everything set up so that our computers are running smoothly.

I was thrilled and upbeat about the job.

Then the amount of hours started kicking in.
The lack of time with my family.
The rushing back and forth.

By the end of the night Wednesday, the "bloom" was gone.

I am still excited about the job, but there are other things.

It is a lot of driving back and forth. But the benefits of working in a safe environment are enormous. The long hours and staff meetings too their toll on me. But knowing I am where God wants me to be is huge.

I have no doubt that I am here because God wanted me to be.

But yesterday and today I was really struggling.
Emotionally.

I am going to mention this because I know that I need prayer support. NOT because I am advocating one thing or another.

With my doctor's approval, I have stopped taking my Welbutrin, my anti-depressant. I am staying on my other daily medications, and my other meds I am using as needed. But I want to see if a lot of my problems were related to unresolved issues and pain from the past.

I have dealt with so many things and done so much growing, that I know I am in a way better place than I ever have been before. Though I do have a new job, it is a place I know I am safe, and where I have someone available to talk if I need to. There are stressors as I and my family transition through to finding out what is going to work best with us. But God is at work there as well.

I have been off it for about 4 weeks. I am starting to notice a difference.

My doctor told me that it would take me about 3-4 months for my body and brain to adjust the chemistry, to see where I am at. I am not entirely looking forward to the next 2-3 months. Thankfully I am through the first month.

Somehow, I think that might be the easiest month!

Really, I do want to go through with this. If, by the time Christmas is over, and we are into January or so, I find that things are still not going well, I will notify my doctor and start back up on the Welbutrin.

I hope this blog doesn't become about that... but at the same time, it was about my journey through my struggles with God, and my way out of depression. So, who knows where this will lead.

Cindy already knows that I am off my one medication. I asked her today to help me. I know that I need someone outside of myself to really keep an eye on how I am doing. She is one of the few people that I talk to at least 2 or more times a week. She also has been there when I have been in the deepest, darkest places. She was the person who took me to the hospital the second time I ended up on the mental health unit.

She has seen the worst case scenario.

I trust her judgment. If she says that she doesn't feel that I am adjusting well enough, or that I am not myself anymore, even 4-5 months out from here.... as hard as it would be to hear, I would trust that, call my doctor, and go back on my anti-depressant.

Please pray for me. I need discernment as I go through this process. So does Cindy and my husband, Dave. We need protection from the enemy. He would love to take down my family through this. That I do know. There is no way that Satan wants our family to stay unified, and grow in Christ. There is no way that the enemy wants us as a family, or individuals, to minister in Jesus name to people around us. There is no way the devil wants me to be effective and successful in my position at church.

He will use anything in our personal lives, in our faith walks, and in our thoughts to waylay us from God's purpose and plan.

We need prayer more than ever.
My stepping into a very visible ministry has put even more of a target on us.

Not that I am going to be living in fear! I know that our God is victorious and has already won the ultimate war. We can claim that victory,
I can claim that victory.

I need to know, however, that my brothers and sisters in Christ are standing in the gap for me.

Thank you in advance for your prayers.

I love you all.

There is so much more to say, but I am just too tired to write more.
Maybe I can continue tomorrow. :)
I plan on it... whether it will actually happen or not is up to God!

I am off to sleep so I can spend the rest of the weekend with my family, until I have to go to work again (wow is that weird to say!!! :) )

trust, live, rejoice, rely in all these new things...

I (as I seem to have written before) have meant to sit down all week and write. It just hasn't happened.

This week has been eventful to say the least!!

Among many other things, I received a job offer at the beginning of the week. It's one I applied for a while back, but had to keep low key for various reasons. Now that it is more public knowledge in our church, I am able to share it here. I am now the new administrator for our church.

I am so excited. I have no idea what the job holds. It's part time, so I will be able to still be with the kids a lot of the week. I am going to be working Monday through Wednesday, and on those days, the kids grandfather (retired) will be watching Marina, and picking up Peter from school.

It is going to make our life extremely busy! (not that it wasn't before!!!) But it is needed income at the moment, and I think really fits a need in the church, and most probably a need in my personal life, spiritual life. I don't know for sure, but God does, and He knows what He has planned for me.

We also had the opportunity to take the daughter of a family friend with us to AWANA with the kids this week. She loved it. Our kids loved having her there.

In an un-typical move (for me) I told this young lady's mother that if she enjoyed it and wanted to go again, to just let us know and we could pick her up every week. I gave her some of the details in an email.... it now sounds like we may be adding V. to our number for Wednesday nights.

I am really excited about V coming with us. I am thrilled that her mom and dad want her to go, and that she was excited about it. She is about 2 years older than Peter, is reading, and is a very bright young lady. She is going to have no problems memorizing the scripture verses each week, and will very quickly be able to keep up with the class of kids. She and Peter will be in the Sparks group for this year, as they go from Kindergarten through second grade.

She is in second grade in Peter's school, and I think it will be good for both of them to be together for this year. The more I learn about AWANA (this is my first exposure through my own kids... I never had the opportunity for something like this myself as a child) the more I am glad that the kids get to be in it. Not only does it put value on learning more about God, Jesus, and who He is, and what it means to have Him in our lives, it gives ownership to the kids.

From all I have read and listened to, the kids are encouraged to make personal choices to follow Jesus. They are encouraged to read Scripture, to memorize it and to treasure it. It isn't just memorizing to get levels and patches for their vests. They are taught the meaning behind each verse and what it looks like applied to their lives.

I am so glad to have an outside source to try to bring these ideas home to the kids.
I am so glad that our friends want their daughter to come with us.
I am so glad that we got involved in AWANA despite my hesitation at the beginning!

This could be a really stressful few months for me as I settle in and adjust to the working environment, and settling in with the kids on a routine, etc.

Please pray for this transition!

I got off the phone with Karen, the kids' grandmother and my mother-in-law, and she and Joe (the retired grandpa ;) ) were not realizing that for the first 4+ weeks I would need their help 3 days a week. They were still anticipating only Monday and Tuesday needing to watch them.

When I clarified that I was going to really need them three days a week, so I could get my 24 hours in, she seems a bit taken aback. She understood once I told her that Dave's schedule was that far out, and he couldn't request off Wednesdays on schedules already posted. If he were to get a Wednesday off, he would have to trade hours with someone, if there were someone who wanted to trade.

It makes it harder for me to think of leaving the kids when I know that there might possibly be a problem.....

..... but I know that is borrowing from the future, and that isn't what God wants.

I am using a devotional to help focus me for just a few minutes in the morning before my day gets jump started. I later can come back to God and get a deeper refreshment from Him... but I start my morning with this devotional and a few moments of consciously resting in His arms.

Today's devotional I had to re-read just now, especially after finding myself starting to worry about expectations, and what my in-laws might be thinking about being "saddled" with the kids so I can work.. And I immediately started brainstorming ways that we could make things work without putting the kids on their hands further.

This is from the devotional given to be my a "bloggy" buddy. :) It's called "Jesus Calling. Enjoying Peace in His Presence." It is written in first person, as if it is God speaking directly to you.

Check out how timely this was!

October 10
Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love-Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of My radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. This is a subtle sin - so common it usually slips by unnoticed.
The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in my abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent enough to handle something yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day more confidently.
(emphasis mine)

Talk about speaking right into where I'm at. Rather than fearing, and focusing on the future that I am NOT able to change one whit, by worrying about it, I need to rest in Him, rejoice in God's abundant supply in my life. My own inadequacy, my own insufficiency is all opportunity for God to be glorified.


Oh God, I so want you to be glorified in all I do. I don't want to live only parts of my life surrendered to you. I want all of my life to be surrendered to you... every last bit of it. I am tired of trying to live on my own, of trying to make things work in and of my own strength, and only running to you when my strength runs out.
I can't thank you enough Jesus, that you take me as I am - many times flat on my face in the dust - and you redeem my life from the pit. How incredible that you love me that much!
May I live in the reality of that each day. I don't do well with that usually, and I find myself "planning" things out in advance. None of that really works. Only you work. Why do I constantly find myself trying to do those things on my own, when in reality only complete dependence on you works?
Reform my thinking, change my heart. Uproot old habits, refocus my gaze. May I be pleasing in your sight. May all the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you.
Show me more and more what it means that you delight in me, and how to further delight myself in you! Thank you so much, Jesus for delighting in me, for creating me for that relationship with you, for desiring to be close to me all my days. Thank you for giving me a purpose as simple and complex as delighting in you. In everything and through everything.
I love you.
Goodnight, sweet Jesus.

the end of a week, and the commissioning

I was sitting here tonight at the end of the night, ready to call it a day. I have looked around the house. Seen the mess resulting from the things I have done this week... and things I haven't done.

There have been late nights, little sleep, good intentions, some hard work, some accomplished, feeling that there is a lot more to accomplish (with not enough time). There have been good choices and bad ones. Some temptations withstood, some - well, not so much. There have been fights and anger to break up, tired kids to deal with, meals to think up... and many things that fell through the cracks.

Hopes for time away, to spend alone with God have fallen through as far as I can tell, and as far as I can plan on my own. But He knows better what I need, and where my attention and time would be best spent. So all I can do is grab what time I do have. Whether that is in the car driving somewhere, 10 minutes after I wake up, or the 10 minutes before bed, or the few moments I get alone in the bathroom, in the shower....

I know it isn't something likely to happen easily in the stage of life I am in; but what I wouldn't give to have a whole day... one whole day... to spend alone with God. No time constraints. No concerns about being home by a certain time, or guilt if I am gone too long. Somewhere I could sit and pray, sing and worship, or get flat on my face on the floor before God - sob and cry out to him as loud as I need to.

But God knows what I need. I keep saying that.
I have to.
Maybe that way I will get it drilled into my head and heart;
rather than resenting that I don't always get what I want.

I mean, for real...
I don't want to end up resenting the very gifts that God has given me. What does that say of me? What does that say of my relationship with my Father? What does that say of my trust in Jesus, or my faith in Him?

This growing and maturing thing really stinks sometimes. It's hard, it's painful, and "it's not fun in here" as a good friend of mine would say.

This stage of life I am maturing into is one of self sacrifice for others. Preferring others over self, and putting their needs and desires above my own wants. Trusting God to give what I need.

What is so hard about this is that I don't know where the line is between giving up "my stuff" to sacrifice for my family and still having an outlet and taking care of myself so that I will have something to give to my family.

Where is that line?

I suppose it is different for everyone, so I can't expect a pat answer. I just don't want to fall back into the old way of doing things where I completely forget about taking care of myself in the midst of being there for my family, doing everything I need to for them, and the extra things to help things run more smoothly (like looking for and getting a job, etc). I also don't want to seem (or be) unwilling to let go of "my" stuff, and place all my stuff and my wants and desires above my loved ones. I want them to know that they come first in my life... above all the things I could do, or other people I could be with, the activities and involvements.

I guess that was part of my dropping out of Wausau Lyric Choir. I felt like God was calling me to show my family that they are more important to me, and that I am willing to drop out of things that take away from the health of our family. That doesn't mean I won't go back (unless WLC has just been for this season, and God has something totally different for me).

I needed to show that I was willing to give up something I loved for someone else. I still have musical outlets and outside activities. It was a tearing up of roots though. It was painful. Still is.

God knows the desires of my heart, and the heart of my desires.
That's why I had to post the commissioning from the Living Proof Live Simulcast in Green Bay, WI. God keeps reminding me to delight myself in Him. He keeps reminding me that He delights in me.

So, for my sisters AND brothers who are reading this.... this is a reminder for me, and you to have faith in our Big God! Keep trusting. Keep doing the next right thing. Keep your eyes focused on Him. Even when it is scary and we can't see our next step, if we keep our eyes on Him, He will guide us through it all.

My Dear Sister (or brother!)

God has not overlooked you
He has not ignored you
He hears every petition
And intimately knows
The heart beneath it.

Give Him full access
To all your longings
Pray every single day
To become a person who delights in Him.

When it seems to disappear
Remember to check your JAW.

Are you jealous?
Are you angry?
Are you worried?

Roll it all on Jesus
He's strong enough to carry it
Big enough to handle it.

Trust God with all your heart.

Now leave this place
And go into the world
And do some GOOD.

forever grateful....

You and I are alike in so many ways.
Yet, there are so many ways in which we are so unique.
That's what makes our friendship so exciting.
We get each other.
Understand each other.
We learn from each other, growing together.

God has orchestrated our meeting from eternity past.
God has knit our lives and hearts together in ways we don't even grasp.


We have walked through some pretty dark valleys together.

We have walked along some crazily steep paths together.

We have stood on the amazing mountain tops, gasping at the possibilities together.

You have upheld me, prayed for me, cried with me, danced on the streets with me, worshiped with me.

You have shared your life and heart with me. Opened your home as a haven to me. Talked with me for hours on the phone to help me through a horrible day. Known it was me calling, when I was crying too hard to even say hi. Laughed with me till we could hardly breathe, so hard we were in tears.... Stayed up late with me (even when you never, hardly ever, stay up late at all).

Slowly, as God has been growing me, I have felt like I should give something back...
As if I should repay...
But how can you repay something that was given freely?

Do you repay the gift of love, the gift of grace?

Can I repay God for His love, His grace?
Not really, that was a free gift.

Like your love to me.
Free and unrestrained.

So, I can't repay, but I can respond in kind.

I will share my life and my heart with you. I will open my home as a haven to you. I will stay on the phone with you for hours if you need me to help you through a horrible day. I will know it is you calling, even if you are crying too hard to say hi. I will laugh with you till I can hardly breathe, so hard I am in tears. I will stay up late with you (even if you never, hardly ever, stay up late at all).

I will uphold you.... using God's mighty Word.
I will pray for you.... and have been.
I will cry with you.... already have today.
I will dance on the streets with you.... as we see God answer prayers - even when it isn't the way we expect or might want.
I will worship with you.... worship our mighty King, who knows, so much more than we ever could, what is the best for us.

I will walk with you. I will ask the hard questions. I will listen to the hard questions you might have. I too, do not have all the answers, but I know the One who does.

He is the God of compassion, the God of all comfort.
He is Jehovah - Rapha, the God who heals.
He is our provider, our helper, our protector, our shield and shelter.

He is the One who has moved mountains.

He moved incredible mountains in my life.
He still is.

He can move this one too, for you.

When you hurt, I hurt...
But even more than that....

He hurts too. Jesus weeps with us. He sees every tear that falls. He hears us when we call, even when it doesn't seem like it.

He answered my pleas from years ago... prayers I prayed for 10 years....

God has orchestrated our meeting from eternity past.
God has knit our lives and hearts together in ways we don't even grasp.

I am forever grateful that He answered my prayers.

That He answered them with you.


Update:
Win a free copy of Scot McKnight's book, "The Real Mary: Why Evangelical Christians Can Embrace the Mother of Jesus." Interested? See L. L. Barkat's post, "Did I Really Pray That?"

No longer paralyzed....

I did it.

I took the plunge.

I am wavering on the edge no longer.

I made the decision, and then notified the people in the "need to know."
Now I can share here.

I have been in Wausau Lyric Choir the past 7 years. It has been an incredible experience for me. They sing sacred music, and are dedicated to making beautiful music together, that truly honors and glorifies God. The music we made together, the friendships I made there, the way God has spoken to me through the music, have sustained me, upheld me through some very difficult seasons in my life. (see this post as to how God used a song the Pilgrim's Hymn to help me and encouraging me)

I have been more than blessed to be a part of this incredible group.

I am extremely sad to be leaving.

I know that God has something for me, better than I could ever imagine.

But I am really crying and mourning the end of this season in my life. I hope to be back next fall, singing again... God willing.

But for now, I am thinking of the music we made together, and the wonderful feeling of the music and harmonies nearly transporting my heart and soul to the rafters of the church and beyond, last spring.

The joy of being able to sing to my Creator "Be thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart. Be all else but naught to me, save that thou art. Be though my best thought in the day and the night. Both waking and sleeping, thy Presence my light."

To finally stop focusing on me, and the struggles of the past years and allow God to do a major healing, in that concert alone, it was nothing short of a miracle. He opened me up to start daring to dream even more about what He could do with my abilities to write, speak and sing.

I don't know what that is yet, but maybe that is the reason behind having to get out of choir now. I need to make some room for what God has planned for me.

I'm afraid of the dark

It's dark.

I am standing at the edge, my toes curling over it, to keep myself steady.

There is nothing to hang on to.
Nothing to see, no glimmer of light.

It's noisy.

I never knew the darkness could be filled with such sound.

Yelling voices compete for my attention.
Tumultuous. Roaring confusion distracting me.

I am wavering.

I am on the brink.

He wants me to drop something and jump.

Drop what? There are so many things that I have in my arms, on my back.

What in the world am I supposed to do?

I can't see.
There is no glimmer of light.

Maybe if I let go of something dear to me, but not as dear as the others?
Would that satisfy?

I'm afraid not.

I'm afraid.

The noise, like waves, crash over me again with the fear.
Underneath there is the hiss.
Like the breath the ocean breathes before the waves crash in again....

....in that breath....
I hear just a hint of music.

It's Him.
It's His voice.

I know it so well.

But the cacophony of sounds around me...
The waves pounding over me....
Exhaustion is taking its toll...

And I am still teetering on the edge.

His voice...
Calling...
Reminding me...

"I know the plans I have for you.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."

Dare I believe?

I know He wants me to jump.
Drop what I am holding and jump.

I can't see.
I don't have to see.

He knows what is ahead.
He is reaching out for my hands.

To grab His, I have to drop what I am holding onto so tightly.



I am still standing on that edge... paralyzed.

I'm afraid of the dark.

-------------------

The following words are ones with which I closed an email to a to a dear sweet friend. They made me think of the above post. These words were the prompting of what I wrote from the storm in my heart.

"I am afraid to jump, and not ask how high or where to. I can’t see, and I am scared of the dark.

God give me courage. Even though I can’t see in this dark, help my heart know what it is you want me to do."

-------------------

Oh God, to give me that courage. I need you. I need to hear your voice whispering to me. Please sing over me this night, that I might wake refreshed and ready for the new day, filled with your hope, even in the light of needing to let something go for this season. Satisfy me in the morning with your steadfast love, that I may rejoice and be glad all my days. Please do that for all of us who are hurting, faced with tough decisions, or are going through storms or safe harbors, Lord.
Give us the courage to keep following you. We need to persevere so that when we have done your will, we will receive what you have promised. (Heb. 10:36) Help us to never give up, and never give in.
I love you, and I long to honor you, in all I do. You are my King, and you are my Lord, the Lord of my life... the One who breathes new life into my heart, turning it from broken glass into living flesh, healing it, and making it whole again.
Help me to remember what you showed me today... you are holding onto my hands just as hard as I am holding onto yours. You won't let go. You ask me to jump, and You won't let me fall. Thank you, Jesus.

Trust, dwell, enjoy, delight...

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:3-4

This was the bible verse I picked out as my scripture memory verse for September 1st. I have needed it.

School started on the first.
Awana starts for the kids on the 9th.
Next week starts my bible study.

We went to Milwaukee this past weekend for a "last blast" of fun with the kids. We got to enjoy some great weather. A trip to the Milwaukee zoo and to a beach along Lake Michigan rounded out the busy weekend. The kids had a blast and so did we, but I am still reeling from the busyness of it all.

Then as things seemed to start going wrong, yesterday I found myself back into old, bad habits. It never fails. I get going so well, I feel that there has been a break through somewhere in my life, or relationships, and then I fall so fast. Of course the enemy is right there to attack and try to cause us to stumble unless we are on the lookout. He wants to get in there and steal our joy.

I have been reminded today, from 2 sources to trust in the Lord, and to not lean on my own understanding.

Lo and behold, as I went back to my scripture verse, guess what? The very first line it says, Trust in the Lord and do good. Gee, you think God was on to something when He impressed on me to work on this verse?

I haven't done the greatest with this lately. I have worried and bothered about all sorts of things. My husband said that it was ok for me to do soem new things this year. He wants the kids to be in Awana.. which is great, but it is another thing to add it. I want to be in Wausau Lyric Choir, which I have been in since 2002. Dave said he was fine with that as long as I didn't complain when he picked up extra hours at work, if it interfered with some of my plans, etc.

I am adding in a bible study next week, in the mornings, which I can take Marina to, while Peter is in school. I am so looking forward to that......

Oh, and did I mention that I have applied for a job at our church and interviews will probably be starting at the end of the month?!

Hmmm. So I look at my schedule, and I start to worry.

Trust in the Lord.

This time of busyness, the time of my son being in school, things that I am doing, the ramped up activities, while none are bad, stress me out. But these things, and the house that I want to take care of, and my husband, whom I don't ever want to push to the background, is the land in which I live. I need to dwell in the land.

That means to me that I have to really settle down here and not wish for another time, or a way around the difficulties. I can enjoy this as safe pasture. God is with me here. It is safe. It is where He has placed me and He wants me to enjoy it.

Then I need to delight myself in the Lord. To really delight, to throw my head back and laugh for the sheer joy of His presence.

When was the last time we did that?

Trusting in Him
Doing good
Dwelling
Enjoying
Delighting

These are the things that we should be doing. These are the things we should be pointing our souls to. These are the things that will give us peace and the joy that we truly long for.

It isn't easy. My temperament tends towards the melancholy. I tend to get too introspective and miss the joy around me. I tend to forget what it is to so delight in God that the very desires of my heart match up with His.

He will give me the desires of my heart. I need to ask and pray and trust Him. He only wants to give good things to His children. Even if I pray and I don't see any results, He is there, He listens, He cares and He delights over us.

I just need to be patient and wait.

That's the hardest part isn't it?

In the wait, He asks us to do these things...

Trust
Dwell
Enjoy
Delight

Are those words part of your vocabulary?
They are starting to become mine.

More so as I memorize this scripture and really meditate on it.

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Psalm 37:3-4

She obeys, He frees... She Speaks Part 8

I didn’t realize just how raw the story was, until I tried to figure out how to share it, how much to share, and how to fit it into just the intro of my talk.

Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…

So, there I was crying in the atrium of the hotel, trying to pray and surrender everything to God.

I finally was able to settle down and practice my talk, trying to time it and smooth things out. Just in time too, as I had to head upstairs to get together with everyone in my evaluation group.

I seem like I am skimming over so much. Everyone who spoke did so well. It was good for me to know that everyone was just as nervous as I was.

One amazing thing was how God really designed all of our talks. We all had different stories, different verses to talk on, different lives. But God designed each of our talks. We really all spoke about much of the same thing. How God has created us special, with our own unique talents and gifts and backgrounds. How much He loves every one of us.

God blessed my heart through each of my sisters there.

When I got up to give my talk, I was so scared. I was afraid to open up with the story....

(I know, I have been holding back what it was, because, well, though I have talked about it here on my blog as I was working through it in counseling... it's still hard to share)

......the story of how I was raped by a boyfriend in college......

I didn't go into detail. I couldn't. I didn't have much time to even fill out the story enough, or ease into it any.

It took all I had to follow God's prompting to share that story. It led so well into why I felt separated from God, and unable to receive His love, or believe that He could love me at all. The whole verses that I picked, that God gave me, were from Romans 8:35 and 37.

You know the part:

"Who shall separate us from the love of God? Shall trouble or hardship, or persecution or famine, or nakedness, danger or sword? No, in all these things were are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

It's a reminder for me, even today, right now, this very morning as I write this. No matter my past sins, the ways I fall and stumble along, God still loves me. He still looks on me with compassion and mercy. He lavishes His grace on me. Nothing can separate me.

Nothing, not even the nakedness I felt from the rape could ever separate me from God's love... even when I felt dirty, and lived with the lies that I wasn't worth anything more than being used by others.

After sharing, I finally felt such a relief.

Not just that I had shared my talk, but that I had followed God's prompting to share some of the hardest, most painful parts of my story, trusting Him to use it as He will.

I may have the opportunity to share my story, and/or a talk soon. Like in February as I am on a committee to plan a women's retreat for our church. We probably are going to use 3 people from our church family as the speakers, as we don't have a very big budget. It seems that all three of the speakers are on the committee right now. Funny how God works like that.

It may be harder to share my story, and any message God puts on my heart, with people who I will see all the time in church. However, God has put a burden on my heart for the women in our congregation that I see every Sunday. I wonder how many of them are living with secret depression, or secret shame and hurt and guilt... with burdens that they aren't supposed to be carrying... at least not alone, without others to help them.

All I know is I walked out of the speaker evaluation group with a new lightness in me.

The only way I can describe it is as if I finally got "permission" to really share my heart, and God's heart for women in pain and bondage. I had a release of sorts. From fear, from hesitancy, from resistance.

I walked into the dinner that night, in preparation for hearing Jennifer Rothschild speak in person. I had recently read through her "Self Talk, Soul Talk" book, and was doing her bible study, "Me, Myself and Lies." Both were incredible and I was greatly looking forward to what she had to say.

I didn't expect what she said, and how she shared her heart, to touch mine as much as it did. I couldn't explain it even now, though I will try...

God used her to speak right into my heart and life right where I was at....

(to be continued)

I wanna write... but...

... life has taken over.

I long to sit down and write out all the thoughts I have had. All the things I have felt God telling me. The struggles and successes. I have wanted to write more about She Speaks, finish sharing what God did for me Saturday night, and on Sunday. There are a couple of key things there.

But.

I have been trying to get a little boy and his mom ready for Kindergarten.

My son, Peter, has started Kindergarten this week. He was in 4k last year, it was only a few days a week, and a small school, so it didn't bother me much.

This year is different. We have had to get up much earlier, get going sooner, get him to school, to a bigger school, and I have walked him down to his room the first two days, but to get both of us used to it, today I left him at the doors, and let him walk to the room himself.

He was OK with it, and didn't fight it at all. He gave me a hug when we got inside the doors, and then headed down the hall, I walked out through the first set of doors, and looked back. As he headed down the hall, he looked back and gave me a wave and smile and he was off.

I cried all the way home.

The other days were fine.
I mean I was a bit sad.
But I was more excited for him.

Today hit me.
Hard.

I have no idea what this year will hold for him. I have no idea how he will take to school. I know he is a bright little boy, and learns things quickly. He picks up on so much, so fast and is so observant.

I am praying for God's guidance and protection for him. For Christian friends for him. For good teachers... for a deeper yearning for God, so that his faith really becomes HIS.

Please pray for us as we make transitions here. This mommy is used to late nights, being able to be up till all hours, for the whole summer, and this switch to needing to get up and out the door early, and then be functional for the rest of the day..... this is for the birds!!!!! :)

Pray that I would be able to continue to take the time to listen to God. I want to seek Him, to have Him show me how to have healthy patterns of rest and work in my life, and to help my kids have that too. I want God to show me how to better take care of myself through good food, and adequate rest/sleep.

Pray that my hubby and I will stay united, that we will love each other more with each passing day, that God will be the center of our relationship always. Pray that the busyness in our lives won't take over and we won't let ourselves "drift" apart as the busy years really come at us now.

I guess the best and only thing I could ask for is prayer for all of us. My heart is sore tonight from seeing my boy off and on his way. I am more tired now than I ever thought I could be, and it is very easy to let my guard down, and the enemy can sneak in subtly, or not so subtly!

Thank you for your love and prayers, and your willingness to keep up with me, wait on me, and have patience with my interrupted stories.

She Speaks Interrupted... but He's speaking...

Ok, this has to be short, because I am so stinking tired...
(of course that could make this longer cause I will ramble... but I will try to restrain myself)

God has done some amazing things this week. He has used Lysa TerKeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Walk in Faith" in a powerful way in my life. Through it He has spoken to me that I really need to draw a line in the sand. Earlier this week was horrible. Then God used Wednesday as my draw a line in the sand day.

I chose to walk forward from that day, with the determination to honor God in all I do. Whether or not my life circumstances change (I am still a wife and mom of 2 small kids...) how I HANDLE them can be totally different. I only have gotten through the 3rd chapter, but it has already affected my life in a powerful way.

I have shared in the past months that I have felt that God has started to give me dreams back. I have been thrilled to see dreams coming back into my life. It has been amazing. I never thought I could dare to dream again.

Well, as much as I have said that, it's still very scary.

I have followed the Living Proof Ministries blog for quite a while. I saw that Beth Moore was going to be in Green Bay for a Living Proof Live event yesterday and today. I really wanted to go. But after She Speaks, I figured that it wouldn't happen.

I mean, 2 events in one month? I knew we couldn't afford it.

Wednesday morning I felt prompted to just express to God the desire of my heart.

I really and I mean REALLY wanted to go to see her. Live. In Green Bay.
So, I asked God that if He wanted me to be there, that He would make it happen, because I really wanted to go.

I never even asked my husband about it or told him. Until. Wednesday. Night.

Guess what he said?

Yup.

Go for it. If I could get a ticket, go.

I was blown away. As I lay in bed that night, nearly levitating in my excitement.... I prayed about it, praised God, and knew that I had to ask someone to go with me.

My dear friend Cindy was the first person I called in the morning. She knew Beth when she (Cindy) lived in Houston. Like, her kids grew up with Beth's kids... I knew Cindy would want to go. And as it was only one night away, I figured that she would be able to do it.

She just about died when I called her and asked if I could get her a free ticket, would she want to go. She said YES, and then just about cried, cause she had a meeting this morning at church. There was no way she could get out of it.

Talk about being bummed out!!!!

I called LPM and got (amazingly, after 24+ hours of the offer being up on their blog) one of the free tickets for Green Bay.

I called and got a hotel room.

I called another friend, and told her about it and as we talked, my brain finally kicked in and I asked her to come. She called and SHE got a free ticket too.

I packed and hardly slept Thursday night. Visited Cindy in the morning and shared some of the growth things that God was doing. Then Sandy met me and off we went.


I don't know if I can describe just how cool the weekend was. Those of you who were there in Green Bay, or there via the simulcast know how high energy the worship it, how anointed the message was, and just how God used all of those to work on your hearts and lives.

He did the very same with me.

Sandy and I were able to get there early enough that we were able to get on the main floor, very close to the stage, close enough to be able to see her without looking at the huge screens. Sandy had never heard Beth speak. Had never done one of her studies (neither have I, though we are doing Esther together this fall). And Sandy hadn't been to a big event like this in years and years.

Needless to say God spoke to me, using a dynamite woman, who had devoted her life to Him, to glorifying Him, and to speaking His truth to other women around the world.

The theme for the weekend....

"The heart of your desires"

She used Psalm 37.

Yes.... God giving us the desired of our hearts. After He told me to tell Him the desire of my heart to even get there.

The BIGGEST thing that He did this weekend...
the HUGE thing...

God revealed to me how much He had healed me, and imparted dreams to me... given me dreams to dare to dream. And how He had opened up my heart to start to have desires again. I had, for so long, hidden my desires, so that I wouldn't get them crushed, taken away, or have them denied.

God has opened my heart up so much this past year or two.
Just talking with Cindy on Friday before Sandy and I left helped show me even more the progress I have made.

But God also revealed to me that (and this is word for word what I wrote down right before the sessions started this morning)

I am afraid that the desires of my heart are not in God's will - that they are driven by the flesh.
I have been afraid to dream and have desires for things.

As Beth talked more, it crystallized even more.

I fear having dreams for something more, something bigger, beyond just today. I am afraid to commit myself, all of myself to them, because what if they fall through again? I mean, I had dreams before, and when they fell apart, I was crushed and so I shut down. As I have gotten closer to dreaming again, and desiring things, Godly things, I have gotten scared. I guess of being hurt.

So, I haven't committed myself fully to the dreams and desires that God has given me recently. I have held back some.

Beth got to a part of the talk this morning, right before a half hour break... which could be used as prayer or re-dedication, or whatever we needed.... to talk about our need to commit.

We are to delight in the Lord, and to make room for delight we have to commit.
-walk away from indecision
-am I in or am I out?
-we are to commit our way to the Lord

I went up and prayed with an encourager, and then went to a spot up near the very front, that they reserved as an alter area, where you could come and kneel and pray and do your business with God, without anyone bothering you if you wanted.

I fell to my knees.
Sobbing.
Knowing God was asking me to let go.
I was afraid to.

But I was more afraid of what would happen in me if I walked away from this event without letting go. Without doing my business with Him. Right there. Right then.

I finally was able to pray, out loud (though it was so noisy in there, especially as the worship team came back out, no one heard me) and surrender.

As I started to pray there, Travis Cottrell and the team started to sing the song "Mighty to Save." Yeah.
You know the part...
"Savior, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save...."

When they were done with the verse and went to the above words from the chorus.... well, that's when I knew He could take all my fears. He could take all my dreams and desires and He would take them, mold them, and make them His, and enable me to do what He wanted me to do.

I will end this post with what I wrote in my journal as a record of my decision.

"I commit my fears of pursuing the dreams and desires You plant in my heart to You - You are not a God who gives fear, but power, love and a sound mind. I choose to follow You, Jesus. Wholeheartedly - waiting, learning, growing - daring to dream the dreams You give me."

I am not going to follow Him, and hold part of myself back from Him anymore.

God, help me to see the times when I am holding myself back from you. Times when fear has a stranglehold on me. Continue to free me and heal me. Continue to give me the desires of my heart, and what is under my desires... what my heart's desires are. I will delight in You, Lord, and commit my way to You. Thank You for showing me that You delight in me.... I love You, Lord. I give You my heart, have Your way in me. Amen

* One of my favorite quotes I think... Delight is "a venti joy with an extra shot!" *

HE confirms, She learns... She Speaks Part 7

I was still afraid that I was making it up in my head. I was still afraid that I was taking something that could be too "sensational" and that it would distract from the rest of the message I really felt led to share.

Isn't it funny how God uses things like the next break out session to confirm exactly what He wanted you to do?

I walked into "Crafting a Noticed and Needed Message," by Karen Ehman.

Yup. That was the title.
Love how God does those things!

Now I had prayed through and picked these break out sessions well before I ever went to She Speaks. God orchestrated everything to be exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it.

I could probably write a book about what Karen shared. I will try not to! But as she talked it became very apparent that I had to share the story God wanted me to. One of the first things I wrote down was this quote.

You can do teaching couched in your own story that only you can tell.
I have the right to talk about my story.
In my stories I need to be real and honest.

Hmm.

God will always be stretching you in the area of your talk.

No wonder I found it so hard in the weeks leading up to She Speaks to believe that God had really called me there, and that I struggled so hard with feeling loved by Him, no matter what. My friend, Cindy had shared that was one of the things that she always found. She was stretched and challenged on the very things that she would be teaching on in a talk, the whole time she was preparing. I believed her, but had to be reminded frequently before my trip!!!

One of the big things I took away from there (among others) was that I need to be "stuffing my files." Remembering, noticing, writing down incidents, quotes, stories and making note of where I got them from. Create a folder on my computer to quickly type down something to remind myself and save it frequently.

Karen shared about five different areas to crafting a needed message.

1. Prepare. (stuffing files, praying)
2. Write.
3. Practice. (recording self regularly, using family and friends to practice on)
4. Deliver. (using silence, no vocal crutches)
5. Live. (don't just preach it, but live it)

All of those were so good, and I was able to use them right on the spot with my talk. But there was a problem. I wish I had this information well before I had crafted my 5 min. talk. I had no time to completely rewrite it and make if flow better. I wanted to use all the things she talked about in the "writing" portion and incorporate them into my talk.

I just had to let that go.

One of the things she challenged us to do within the next week of leaving She Speaks, I have yet to do.

It's on my "list!"

First I need to pray about it, but then name 2-3 areas that I feel God is calling me to speak on. I have to pick an example/illustration from life, one from an outside source, and then pick one passage of scripture... for each of those areas. After that, I need to craft the skeleton of those talks.

That is definitely something I want to do. I am slowly coming out of my exhaustion, but have been slow to pick up on life, and start doing the things around the house I want to.

I have been trying to mentally prepare myself for letting my son go. He is heading into the "big" elementary school this year, to kindergarten. He is looking forward to it. I am wondering how it is going to change our lives.

Hmm.
Maybe there is a talk in there somewhere.
Another thing to stuff in a file folder?

It's funny how the more I write about what I learned, and go over my notes again, I find it all applying to and weaving into my life around me now. It's strange and good at the same time. So rarely have I come back from a conference and been able to retain, and recognize how things I have learned there work into my "everyday" life.

When I went into my next session by Wendy Pope, “Teaching by the Book,” I learned even more about preparing a talk. She really went in depth about using the online resources available. She gave websites and everything. It’s amazing to me just how much there is out there.

I was like a kid in a candy store! I love studying and writing and researching. Finding all these different things, well, I can’t wait to use them!

There is so much Wendy talked about that I am going to use the next time I prepare a message. Again, I was disappointed that I couldn’t use some of the stuff she shared in preparation for my 5 min. talk.

Again, I had to let it go.

A few key things she said that I just saw in my notes.

You can never pray enough.
Pray for everything God lays on your heart.
Pray for passion for His message for the event.
Ask God to give you ears to hear and eyes to see.
God speaks in more places than you church.

After Wendy's break out session, I talked with Katie. She had to go to our room and finish up her talk, and practice. I had to do the same, so I told her she could have the room, and I found a secluded corner of the atrium in the hotel, and curled up with my bible, journal and talk.

I sat, praying, journaling, and finally crying (yes, again….) as I tried to prepare myself for sharing not only the 5 min. talk, but my heart and the story God had told me to share.

I didn’t realize just how raw the story was, until I tried to figure out how to share it, how much to share, and how to fit it into just the intro of my talk.

Honestly, I was scared. It was one thing to share this specific story in writing, in general terms, on my blog, but it was completely different to do it in person, with more specifics…

(to be continued)

Series "interrupt-us"

Everyone, I am so sorry that I have been so lax at continuing all that happened at She Speaks. It was incredible, I am still processing, and life has had a way of taking over everything this week.

I woke with a horrible headache this morning, and it never really went away.
I went back to bed when my hubby got up, because I couldn't function.
I slept till noon.
I got up and pretended to be functional while my kids played around me and I stared off into space.
Then after I finally stirred myself to make the kids supper (I couldn't eat, my stomach was still too sick from the headache) we went for a walk.
I didn't go far, just to a neighbors a few blocks away.
She and I sat and talked while the kids played in her back yard....
...until Peter got hit in the nose with something, panicked and bled all over the place.

We came home once his nose stopped bleeding, I built a fire in our fire pit, and settled down out there with the kids, till it was way past their bedtime, but the stars had come out and they were thrilled to look up and see so many of them.

They went to bed, I went back outside for a bit longer, and now am heading to bed to try to keep this headache from getting worse.

I know that my Thursday will be very busy, but I hope to get back to the series again, God willing, tomorrow. Otherwise it might not be till the weekend!!! (Yikes, sorry about that)

Sometimes that is just the way life is.... it seems to interrupt us.

God, please help me through tomorrow and the rest of this week. You know what it is all going to look like. You know exactly what I need for each day. Please bless the coming days with sweet times of fellowship, joyful times with my family, and precious time with You, Lord. Thank You for Your strengthening power... sustaining me, and all of us, all our days. I love you, Amen.

She Ponders, She's Terrified... She Speaks Part 6

Then it was time to get up and start a new day. I was looking forward to all I would learn and the people I would meet, and the ways that God might speak to me this day....

I settled in Saturday morning, not distracted by worry or concern (yet) about my talk that evening for the speaker evaluation group.

I had been praying for God to give me one thing to take home from She Speaks, and felt like He had really given it to me the night before, through the prayer room. Not only had He healed in the past, but He HEALS now and in the future.

But I was still expectant to learn things from the speakers and sessions of the day. Little did I know that God was going to give me several more "one things" to take home with me!

Wendy Pope got up and spoke that morning about "What to do in the W.A.I.T." When we feel we have been given something, a dream beyond our horizons or abilities to bring to fruition, what happens next? She reminded us to not ask what happens next, but ask God what happens now. What's my everyday with him now? Do I have to give up my dreams? Sacrifice them for a season for someone else?

Hmm. Maybe. Maybe I do. I have to serve Him in my now, and give those dreams up. Not that I give them up, hopelessly, figuring I will never get them back... but give them into His hands.

His capable, nail-scarred hands. His hands that gave up dreams (humanly speaking) of being the Messiah, when He died. But His hands impart life to all of us now, because He gave up the dreams, His very life, as a sacrifice for someone else... for us.

His hands are more than capable of restoring those dreams to us, after we have faithfully served Him in the now. There is so much good in the waiting.

Work out our salvation
Accept the invitation to move
Invite others to be a part of your calling
Taste and see that the Lord is good.

Pray and follow hard after His leading in the now. Move ahead, even when it seems impossible, and way bigger than where you presently are. Open up your eyes to see who God has placed around you to come alongside, someone who "gets" your calling. Even if you feel like you are running away from your calling, because of circumstances around you (if you are sacrificing them for a time for someone else) know, intimately know that God is good... know it so much with your head and deeply with your heart, so much that you can almost taste Him.

After our opening general session, I went to Lysa's break out session on "The Power of a Story." There was so much good technical information there, and she shared so many stories and how she has used them. One statement she said really resonated with me.

"We need to be living lives that have stories."

As I thought about that phrase, I finished up the break out session and moved on to my next one.

Then I started hearing God. He was impressing something on me.

I ignored Him and went into my next session.

"Living lives that have stories."

I took notes during the next session, but my anxiety was building and it was extremely difficult to concentrate.

God kept after me the whole session.
I continued to ignore Him.

"Lives that have stories."

By the time that second breakout session was done, and we were heading into lunch, my stomach was in knots.

I knew what God wanted me to do.
I didn't want to do it!

"Stories."

I trembled at the strength of His voice. Fear was stretching its cold fingers around my heart. Panic had my hands sweating, and I felt like I had been running a marathon.

With all my effort, I pulled myself together enough to walk in the door, sit at the nearest table, at an empty place. I ate quickly. Then got up and left. I skipped the dessert and headed for my room.

I stopped, and tried to distract myself from God, by looking at the book table. But again I was looking at it with unseeing eyes, as I tried to argue with God. The more I argued in my head, the stronger His voice got. The stronger His voice got, the more fear invaded me.

I know the enemy was using that fear to try to drown out God.
But the Holy Spirit wasn't going to let that happen.

I finally headed up to my room. I headed straight for my bed, and threw my bag of stuff down on it. I sat at the end of the bed, just wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep. (It's an escape for me...) I slid off bed, sinking to the floor, wondering at what I was contemplating. I pulled out my 5 min. talk and read through it again.

I kept telling God, "No, I don't want to do this. My talk is fine. It's timed out. It's what it needs to be, and I don't want to change it!"

He listened, but was still firm that I needed to change it and start it with a story. That doesn't seem so big, but I knew which story He wanted me to put in.

I finally listened, and quickly wrote, in pencil, over the top of what I had already written and printed out. I wrote out the story that He wanted me to. I knew I had to keep it short, but had to really share it well, so that others could grasp it without me going into too much detail.

It was painful, it was dramatic, and it definitely impacted how I viewed God's love for me. It tied in directly with my talk through Romans 8:35 and 37.

I left my room shaking, and headed for my break out session. I was scared. I mean, not just anxious or slightly panicky. Scared. Stiff. I wanted to be transparent with my story, and I was the night before. But to share this? To give details? To try to weave it in, when I had no time to really practice it, pray it through, anything? Oh, I was terrified. This felt way too exposed, too vulnerable.

I couldn't believe that God would want me to share this story. I referred to it when I originally wrote the talk at home, but didn't give details. Now God was really wanting me to spell it out? Really?

I was still afraid that I was making it up in my head. I was still afraid that I was taking something that could be too "sensational" and that it would distract from the rest of the message I really felt led to share.

Isn't it funny how God uses things like the next break out session to confirm exactly what He wanted you to do?

(to be continued...)

She Speaks and She Sleeps!! She Speaks Part 5

I headed towards Amy's room, hearing voices and laughter floating down the hall towards me. My steps quickened without my realization, as I came closer to where I knew God had placed me for that weekend...

I walked into the room and saw chairs arranged to face a music stand at the front of the room. I was greeted by Amy, and met Danielle for the first time. She and I had been corresponding the last couple of weeks. We had run across each other's blogs just before we found out that we were going to be in the same speaker evaluation group. How awesome is God?? I also saw Monica, who I met earlier that afternoon (was that really the same day??) on the shuttle ride from the airport. Katie came in shortly after me...

...and the room slowly filled with these women...
...these wonderful women of God...

...all on different roads...
...all different walks of life...
...all different stories...
...all the same amazing, awesome, God and Lover of our Souls...

Only God could have orchestrated each of the evaluation groups as He did that weekend. All the stories I heard, all the different types of people He put together, either from similar backgrounds or completely different... depending on what we all needed....

Amy Carroll was such a blessing. Her laughter and her understanding and compassion touched all of our hearts I think. She immediately put me at ease. So, though I was still nervous, I was able to settle in and relax in her presence. I praise God for her, because she was exactly the person our small group needed to lead us.

We were all relatively novice speakers. Some had been speaking before small groups, or in/around their churches. But from what I remember (and any ladies reading this please correct me!!!) none, did it very regularly.

It was a night of our telling of our stories to each other. Introducing ourselves some, where we were from, what our families were like, etc. And then we gave our testimonies. "Our Story" talks, 3 minutes in length. They were timed to give us an idea of how quickly things could go.

It was very good to get our feet wet, when we all were so hesitant and I think, truly nervous about how we would be received. I was blessed so much by everyone's story. It was amazing to hear the heartaches, the victories, the struggles, the sadness and the extreme joy that they all, we all, had tasted.

For me, it was so relieving to share my story, and to find only acceptance and love. I mean, I laid it all on the line with the first sentence.

"October, 2 years ago, found me in a hospital be, on a suicide watch. This wasn't exactly what I had anticipated when I became a believer."

Yes, I did start out that way. And no, I didn't hold anything back.

It wasn't the time or place. I had asked God to show me what to say, to give me the words, to change things at the last minute if He had to... and this is what He wanted me to say that night. To share some of how I had become a believer, but also some of what I had gone through the past few years. So, how could I hold anything back.

When I walked into that room, my tiredness had melted away. Probably because of the adrenalin kicking in.

Needless to say, after meeting all these beautiful women, and starting to share my heart with them, and starting to see the bonds we shared with each other.... I WAS WIPED OUT!

I got back to my room and dumped my stuff, and in the process, realized there was a blogger meet and greet going on downstairs.

I headed down there briefly, and caught the end of it. The main reason I went down though was to catch up with Lee and see how her night had been. We got the chance to talk some, and I got to meet Susan (a.k.a Runner Mom).

Then the fatigue set in. It wasn't even tiredness, it was beyond exhaustion.

I don't think I was even intelligible by the time I got to my room. I remember vaguely talking to Katie. I think. I got my clothes ready for the morning (I think) and headed to bed. I was asleep so quickly, and so soundly, I never heard Katie working on her 5 min. talk in the other bed, never heard her shut off the light... nothing.

Not until the alarm went off in the morning to get me up....

Then it was time to get up and start a new day. I was looking forward to all I would learn and the people I would meet, and the ways that God might speak to me this day....

(to be continued)

HE heals and HE promises... She Speaks Part 4

My breath caught in my throat, fresh sobs welled up as I found my name, and read the name of God by which it was so lovingly placed...

Jehovah-Rapha
The God Who Heals.

My thoughts raced back through the past few years. I remembered God has done some amazing healing in my life.

I cried tears of thankfulness for all that He had done, but I have to admit that for a moment, I almost felt disappointed. I saw the significance for my past in that, but what it meant for right now didn't sink in right away....

....I don't know why it didn't, I guess I am a slow learner....

I wrote down the scripture references on the back of my She Speaks book they gave us and went back to the chair where I had left my things.

I sat down and soaked in the peace in that room. I started thinking about heading back to my room to rest.

Then it hit me.

Yeah, I know you were probably already thinking this by now.... I said, sometimes I am a really slow learner!!!!

The God who heals.

The God who HEALS!!!

Here I was feeling so sick, anxious, exhausted, and just plain icky. I was getting more and more depressed and questioning why I was here...

...when God reminded me that He is the God who heals.

It wasn't that I felt immediate healing then. I didn't. It was a promise.

He has healed in the past.
I cried out in desperation to Him.
Why wouldn't He answer me now?

He knew better than I, what I was going to be needing that night, and the rest of the weekend. He knew that all I wanted to do was hide and not interact with anyone else for the rest of conference. But He also knew what He had planned for me.

I needed Him. More than anything, I needed Him. I needed a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me.

I got it in His name.

Jehovah-Rapha.

That flash back that I had, of the past years of healing. I don't think I consciously thought of it then, but now looking back at that night, I think it was planted then. It was a reminder to me of all He had done.

He had been with me.
He had strengthened me.
He had enabled me.

If He did it in the past, why wouldn't He now?

I sank back into that chair, crying, still feeling sick and tired. Begging God to make me feel better so I could get through the night. I picked up a slip of paper to write a prayer request, and as I tried to write, explain where I was at, what was going on, and ask for prayer... I could barely see for the tears.

I signed the prayer request, dropped it in the waiting bowl, and leaned back in the chair.

I wanted to pray, but couldn't seem to get two thoughts together coherently. I cleaned myself up a bit, and someone else walked into the prayer room and sat with her back to me on the other side of the room. I sat for a few more moments, but now was distracted and self-conscious again, so got up and left the room.

I cleaned myself up better in the nearby bathroom.

I realized that the dinner was just letting out so everyone could go to their break out sessions. At this point, I still was planning on heading to the room to rest. However, I had to walk past the room where my break out session was going to be held. As I started to walk by, I saw that the room was just starting to fill up with people.

I saw the speaker standing, getting ready.
I also saw there was a chair, at the end of a table, right near the door.

It was like I was drawn to that room by a magnet. I told myself I would sit for a little bit, and if I felt worse, I would be able to slip out. I sat down.

Shortly after that, the only other person from my church who came to She Speaks, came up behind me. Dawn and I only found out the other was going for sure, about 6 weeks before the conference. I had talked to her about it in January, and then forgotten. I signed up, then she did too, and we didn't mention it to each other again, until a mutual friend told me that she was going.

Dawn offered a seat near her. I told her what was going on, and that I wanted to be near the door in case I felt worse. She said ok, and then asked if she could pray for me.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and prayed right then and there. Needless to say, the tears started flowing again. I couldn't stop them, and by then, I didn't even try. When she was done praying she gave me a hug, and made her way back to her seat.

I sat back down as our speaker was introduced. I knew her, though we had never met...

Micca Campbell.

I had worked through her book, "An Untroubled Heart" this past year in a blog book study. I knew her story, and felt like I knew her heart.

Her session was titled, "Fear Not."

Hmm. You think that God wanted me there???

The verse she spoke on was from Isaiah 41:9-10

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant;' I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(emphasis mine)

Did you see the bold words there? Do you remember how I said that I needed to see a promise that He would be with me, that He would strengthen me, that He would enable me?

Several of the things that Micca said that stood out to me was that it is so easy to focus on our own weaknesses, but if we ask God, He will strengthen us and help us. She said to quit thinking about what I can't do, but think about what HE CAN do.

I don't think I need to say anything other than that. How to I expound on that? God drew me into that room, and didn't let me get up through the whole talk. At the end Micca said something, and I don't know if this is a direct quote or not, but this is what I was prompted to write down.

After she expounded on the point of "I will uphold you." I wrote this:

"I can DARE TO DREAM because He is with me, and He is for me."

That session strengthened me to go on through the night. It was like God was speaking directly to my heart. In that session, He WAS Jehovah-Rapha. He brought healing to my fears, strength to my body, and confirmation to my spirit that He had called me here. It wasn't some imagining of my own that got me here. He brought me, drew me, provided for me to get to Charlotte, NC.

I felt the sickness in my stomach subside some. I was still shaky, but it wasn't the "I'm gonna fall over dead if I don't sleep," shaking anymore.

Looking back at it now, I can see that God was working in me to heal me. He was saving me from the sticky fingers of cold fear wrapping around my heart. That coldness of fear that would have kept me from learning and growing, and pressing ahead through the weekend. God took my heart in His hands once again, and breathed His Spirit through my heart, making it living flesh.

I was still scared.
But I left that meeting room resolved to go and face my fears.

I walked towards the elevator (did I mention I HATE elevators?!) and rode up to the 11th floor, to meet my speaker evaluation group, and our group leader, Amy Carroll.

I headed towards Amy's room, hearing voices and laughter floating down the hall towards me. My steps quickened without my realization, as I came closer to where I knew God had placed me for that weekend...

(to be continued)

She Escapes and She Breaks... She Speaks Part 3

The longer I had to sit around that table, the worse I felt. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I spoke to Katie, and excused myself from the table....

My plan was to head for my room. I was going to skip out of the break out session, and instead try to get some sleep before our speaker evaluation, because I felt like I couldn't even think straight. When I am over tired, and don't have enough sleep... especially when I have had a severe lack of sleep and lots of activity... well, it's not so pretty. I get physically ill, and non-functional.

I didn't want to start my weekend that way, so I figured, in my own understanding, that I had better go get some sleep.

I headed out of the banquet hall, and started walking down the hall towards the atrium and elevators. The further I got from the hall, the worse I felt. I stopped at one point to figure out where I was, and where my break out session was supposed to be, and saw a room marked "Prayer room" on my map.

I sat down in a chair, and paused to take a breath, figure out the time, and try to figure out if sleeping would really help me. Or should I really try to find the prayer room?

Finally I got up and wandered back towards the hall and book table. I argued with myself the whole way. Then I saw it.

The banner that read:

The Prayer Room.

I remembered Lee telling me, just after we met each other, that she had seen my name in the prayer room, and I was going to like where it was placed. When I asked her where it was, she said I had to go into the room to see for myself.

I stood outside the prayer room for a few minutes, then turned to stare unseeingly at the book table while I tried to make up my mind about what I was going to do.

At that point I was feeling so vulnerable and ready to cry, so tired and strung out, that I was about ready to crumple into a heap.

I remembered Lee telling me that there were different names of God scattered across the tables in there, and that each person had been prayed for, and their names were placed by the name of God that God impressed on them.

I was very curious to see where my name was, that Lee had seen. I wanted to know why she was so excited about it. But I argued with myself that I had no time to do this. I needed to sleep so I could function for the rest of the evening. I didn't have time to "waste" in the prayer room.

Ha!
Time to "waste?"

Finally I gave in to curiosity, and really to God's prompting, and turned toward the prayer room door.

I felt God literally pushed me to the door. I opened it, and cautiously looked inside.

Seeing the room was empty, I walked in and let the door shut softly behind me.

I stopped for a moment near a chair and let the silence soak into me. The room was lit softly, there was gentle music playing the the background. There were chairs scattered and grouped around... along with plenty of boxes of tissues. (This was a women's conference after all, they had to know there would be tears!)

I just felt God's gentle Spirit wash over me and rest on me. I fought the urge to worry about someone else come in behind me, and just stared at the cross in the middle of the tables in front of me.

As God's Spirit fell on me, I hardly noticed as the tears started falling. I remember crying out to God, out loud...

"God, I can't do this! I am so tired and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go through this conference distracted and hurting and tired. I want to hear from You!"

I was overwhelmed by the fear and anxiety that had been niggling at me all day, that I had been fighting with the Word of God all day, that the extreme weariness had finally let through. I sand into a chair, with this utter feeling of helplessness, crying... sobbing.

I pulled myself together some, and finally got up, and faced the tables. I was determined to find my name among 600 others, to see what God wanted to tell me about Himself.

It was a relief to let some of those tears out. I knew God was making my heart more tender. He was using every encounter with other people, every time I forced myself to introduce myself to someone new, every moment I was willing to surrender to Him, every talk I heard or book cover I read, to open me up. All I had been asking Him to do, up to this point was show me one thing that He wanted me to come home with.

Still with the tears flowing (though not as hopelessly as before) I got up and started reading the names of God, and scanning for my name among the hundreds there.

Then, finally I found it.

My breath caught in my throat, fresh sobs welled up as I found my name, and read the name of God by which it was so lovingly placed...

(to be continued)