Sledding and fun and God's abundant blessings

Today was a wonderful break in the week. It was a wonderful time of rest and fun.

I went sledding with my family and a good friend, at her family's house. They live just outside the edge of town, and at the back of their property have a huge hill.

Note the Dave and the kids going down the huge hill. I believe this is relatively early on in the afternoon, but am unsure!


We got there, and immediately this kids were grabbing sleds and heading for the hill. They were so excited. We got many great pictures, and had many wipe outs and belly laughs.

This is Peter and my friend, Angela on one of the many wipe outs!


The first time my daughter went down the hill with me, I could feel her giggling all the way! This is her and daddy going down.


We had so much fun.

And I am going to be SO sore tomorrow!

Here are a few pictures from the day.


You can tell the kids had a blast, and so did we. I needed this fun today, especially after how this week went for me.

It was a hard one, and very up and down. I started it on such a positive note on Monday. I felt really good, and was ready to go. I don't exactly know what happened. However, it wasn't pretty!

By Wednesday, I was dealing with not only depression, but exhaustion. There has been so much that has happened within the last few weeks, that I just really haven't recouped very well.

I hadn't been sleeping well at night, and I hadn't been eating healthy, and by Wednesday I could hardly keep my eyes open at my desk. As a matter of fact, I truly don't remember much of the day. And it got worse and worse.

Finally I decided to throw in the towel and go home to try to rest before worship rehearsal later that night.

I called my friend, Cindy, and we chatted briefly before I left the church. I know she was very concerned about me, especially when I didn't even have the energy to really answer any questions she was throwing my way. Seriously.

As we were talking, it occurred to her that I didn't have the kids, and wasn't responsible for them, as it was Dave's "Daddy Day" with them. Her husband was gone for the night, so she said, "Why are we still talking on the phone, get over here!"

So, I did.

I swear to you, I hardly remember the drive there. When I got there, we settled down to watch a short video that she was finishing up, then talked a bit, but I felt really incoherent. She just let me do what I needed to, chill out and not have to talk to much. I was just so under the weather, that I really couldn't even feel anything, which is very strange for me!

She fixed me supper, and as we ate and talked and prayed together, I started to feel more marginally human.

By the time I had to leave to get to the church for worship team, I was a bit more like myself. She stood with me by the door, and as she gave me a hug, prayed over me.

I didn't even cry.
Me. Not. Cry.
Not even a tear.

That's unheard of! :)

Worship rehearsal went well that night, better than it had any right to. I do remember most of the details about the rehearsal. I remember being able to worship God, right in the middle of dealing with technical stuff too.

The power of praise cannot be over rated!

I got eight hours of sleep that night when I got home.

The power of a good night's sleep cannot be over rated, either!

Slowly this week, as I have been sleeping better, and sort of eating better, I have improved.

It was really scary looking back at the day Wednesday and realizing that I really didn't remember what had gone on during the day. It is like that day is wiped out. I mean, I know I was at church, that I did some work on the computer, that I answered the phone some, and talked to people. But honestly, the details are all gone. All I do remember is feeling physically, and mentally, and emotionally exhausted and awful.

I am working on clinging to the truth. God has placed me in Ephesians, Chapter 1 for a while... and I need to soak up that and Psalm 139 for a while. I need to re-establish my identity in Christ, and take a "refresher" course.

Please pray that I would be able to so be washed in the water of His word, that I will find all the dirty and lies washed away, and so that I will see the lies for what they are, because I know what the truth is. Knowing the lies, not because I studied them, but because I study the truth, and the lies can't hold a candle to that!

I am so grateful that today was so much better.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with my family and a good friend.

I am so grateful that tomorrow is another day, fresh with the prospect of joy and closeness with God. I lead worship at church this weekend, tomorrow, and am excited to see what God is going to do in me - and in our congregation.

I choose to trust that He is with me, even when I don't see it or feel it. He gave me Cindy on Wednesday to come alongside me and just minister healing and peace to me. He gave me the power of His praise that night to break through the numbness surrounding my heart. He gave me a wonderfully healing night's sleep to enable me to be more mentally strong the next day.

I know God can do all of that and more. So I choose to trust Him tonight, and tomorrow. May I always make that choice!

picked up pieces...

So, my cup was overturned, empty and scattered before the retreat. But God picked up the pieces and held me together.

I made it through the retreat. It was an amazing success, that had nothing to do with me or the team or the speaker, and absolutely everything to do with God.

Friends, Jesus showed up there! There were people prayed over. There were people who's eyes were opened, and hopefully healing that was started as well that weekend.

You know, looking back on it now, I can see that God started dealing with and healing brokenness in my life, too. I just didn't see it that way till just this second.

Friday night I had to fight off anxiety and depression. Through mis-communication, I got there late with all the sound equipment, etc. After finally getting set up, I had time to "throw together" the prayer room. Thankfully God provided a perfect place.

Just as I got it done our speaker got there.
As we had been communicating throughout the past couple of weeks, usually via email, she knew I was dealing with depression.

Once she was settled and came back up to the main level, she pulled me aside and asked how I was doing, and wouldn't take "fine" for an answer. :)

We settled into the night, and got through the ice breaker, worship set and speaking portion. After wards, we had had snacks and people sat and chatted (while I, the fire bug, lit a fire in the huge fireplace) pulled out games, and generally had a lot of fun.

When I went to bed, things were still going strong and I wanted to stay up, but knew I needed to sleep if I was going to be of any use the next day in facilitating things.

I forced myself to sleep, before the depression overcame me and I cried myself to sleep.

In the morning, I forced myself awake, and went out to the commons area. I bundled up, went out and stood on the deck in the still dark morning. It was beautiful and quiet and perfect, but my eyes weren't seeing it then. I couldn't see anything through the storm of tears I was trying to hold back. I grabbed wood for the fire, came back in, and started up the fire place again for the day.

I couldn't settle in and read, or pray or journal, so I finally got up and started to putter in the kitchen till it was time to start breakfast.

During breakfast I got to sit with our speaker. The whole table of us gals talked and shared, but eventually she and I got into a private conversation. Much was shared there, but her listening and sharing got me to the point of breaking down my guard. I finally shared how poorly I was doing that morning.

Folks, I didn't even want to lead worship that morning. I wanted to go back to bed. I tried to hide the depth of it, but I know she saw it. I also know she prayed for me, though not face to face right there.

I did manage to lead, and kept going through the morning - even singing special music - going to the prayer room to pick up requests and pray for them.

I broke down in the kitchen before lunch, when the others of our team were out and everyone was elsewhere.

Not just cried.
The dam burst.

The noise of the fans and stuff in the kitchen disguised the gut wrenching sobs, that threatened to bring me to my knees right there.

It really was God who pulled me back together.
I couldn't calm myself on my own.

But once I did, it was all I could do to keep from detaching completely, in self protection. Old coping patterns die hard, is all I have to say about that.

Surprisingly (or not) God got me in on a conversation where I could help speak into a dear sister's heart and life, during our lunch time.

I was drained when I came home, but God gave me the heart and energy to pour into that same sister who needed more of Him that night.

I got up Sunday morning for church, raced in and unloaded the sound equipment, then ran upstairs to run our warm up for worship team. As I waited later for the church service to start, a new friend came over to talk and see how I was doing, because she knew I had been in a very bad place in our small group the Thursday before the retreat.

I couldn't even look at her. And I couldn't stop shaking. She pressed some tissue into my hand before she left me at the start of the service.

Our opening was fine.
The sermon was great.
Except it had me in tears. Surprise. surprise.

Then I had to get back up and sing. It was all I could do in my own strength to hold myself together, and it wasn't working. I begged God to keep me from falling over up there. It was only 3 songs. By the last song, I had to hang onto the outside edge of the pulpit to keep myself steady on my feet. I haven't been that shaky in a long time.

Then I had to pray to close the set.

Ok, I didn't "have to" other than feeling the Spirit prompting me.
Sigh.
You really can't ignore Him.
Sigh.

So I prayed and started to break down again. I barely finished the prayer audibly, and seated everyone, then fled the sanctuary to pull myself together, in time to come back in and cry through all of communion.

It was something about remember Christ's body, broken for me, topping off a weekend about brokenness, OF brokenness that did me in!

Gee. God knows how to do that too, doesn't He?

Somehow, though my cup was empty and overturned, and truly broken - when I needed to minister in worship and service - He filled me and used me, this broken cup - over the whole weekend.

After church, I got home, curled up in bed, and cried myself to sleep, like I had been wanting too all weekend.

It didn't feel nearly as good as I had thought.
It didn't really help either.

When I got to work in the morning though, God impressed on me that I needed to tell my two pastors in our staff meeting what was going on with me. When I did, at the end of the meeting they prayed for me, and though I worked through the full day, God was merciful and it was an easy day.

Late Monday night (a week ago now) I got an email from my friend Pete and his wife Donna, in response to my email to them. I ended up being able to get together with them mid-day on Tuesday. My pastor, the only other person at the church that day with me, agreed that I had to go, and caught the phone calls for me while I was gone for about 3 1/2 hours.

It was hard, but I was able to share where I was at, and only because God really broke through to me over the weekend. He broke through the self imposed isolation I had been in... even when I didn't realize till later that's where I was.

No one really knew where I was at or how I was doing, and God put a stop to that.

My friends helped me pin down some lies I have been believing. Ones that are familiar to me, and others that are new, that slipped in under the radar in the last stressful month or two.

As Pete said, I never really had the chance to process through them like I normally do. I identified them right at the get go, but got so busy and stressed that I forgot all about them... as the enemy would want it.

When they commented that they didn't want to see me go down the road I had been down 2+ years ago, I said that I didn't want to either. That I wasn't there, yet.

I think they could have done without the "yet" in that sentence. (I could have too, but needed to be honest that it felt like a very slippery slope)

I was scared at how low I had fallen into the pit of depression, hopelessness, despair.

But oh, our God is so good!

I got a full hour, at least, the next morning at work. In the quiet with no phone calls.
I was able to sit in the library by a fire (see a pattern here?!) and pray, renounce lies, announce and claim the truth, and generally spend a good deal of time in prayer and in the Word.

Though the depression didn't lift fully that day, in the succeeding days (especially as I look back from where I am now) it did lift a bit at a time.

I had a weekend away with my family, which I was not looking forward to at the beginning of last week. But now I have recovered more from the stress. I have reconnected with my family. I feel a bit more like me.

It is still way too easy for me to be overwhelmed. I am still having trouble prioritizing things. I am still struggling with depression (though not as thick and dark as before, and much more recognizable), and some major lies that are wanting to creep in there. It's one of those things, just as I feel like I am having some success on one front, the enemy is trying to outflank me, and come in the back door.

But today I had some good solid time (though shorter than I wanted) with God. It got me off on the right foot.

Please continue to pray for me as I seek to make healthy choices for my soul, and healthy choices for my body. There is a lot of opposition there right now. Like I said, the enemy is trying to use a back door to trigger more bad coping patterns and other stuff.

There will be more about that in coming days as I find more time to write, now that I am feeling a bit better.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Thank God for how He used this weekend and my dear family of friends here to break me down! He broke my pride. He broke through my thick walls of isolation, where literally I was broken to pieces, and He is putting me together, yet again.

Cup overturned, empty and scattered

Ah, friends...
It has been too long, and even now I wonder at the time I am daring to take to write, or even check my email!

Our women's retreat starts tonight.
6pm.

I need to be there between 2 and 3.

All the music power point is done. The words are printed for the interpreters for the deaf. The music picked out and organized and prayed over. The women coming have been prayed over, and again. The food for lunch tomorrow is sitting on my kitchen table, waiting to be packed into the tiny spaces left available in my car.

I think I have it all ready. I think! I hope.

I am excited about hearing from God today. I am excited to see how God is going to work in the lives of the 24 women coming.

Yet, I ache with tiredness, and I haven't even started yet.

I am leading worship for the weekend. I am leading worship for our Sunday morning church service when we get back. It will be a big drain on me, yet I am willing to do it, and feel called to.

There are some women coming with some deep hurts. Scary hurts. One is facing a diagnosis of her husbands cancer. He had a heart transplant back in 2002. A year and a half ago, she was diagnosed with cancer, had chemo and is cancer free today. Just yesterday they found out that a tumor was causing the pain and other issues he had.... I didn't hear what kind. I think I was in shock, but my guess is, from where they described it was, probably colon cancer. Near his lymph nodes. There seems to be no question that he is going to be doing chemo.

How does that work with his anti-rejection meds for his heart? I don't know. There are a lot of unknowns right now, and many tears shed last night at our home group.

Another woman is battling intense depression.

Another can't come because her mom is taking care of her dad who has Alzheimers, and isn't taking care of herself in the process, and she and her sister have to go take care of their mom.

And there are so many, many other unknown stories coming into this weekend.

Our weekend theme? Brokenness. Broken hearts. Broken lives. Broken before God... and complete surrender to Him.

I am broken. Beyond fixing by human hands. I too am struggling under a weight of depression. It lifts from time to time. Then it comes back with that familiar weight dropping onto my shoulders.

Last night found us all broken at our bible study. Over the news of cancer. Over our own hurts and struggles.

I sobbed while we prayed.

Everyone assumed (I think) it was because I was overwhelmed with the retreat. That was some of it. But God has really given me a peace about it all. I know He will be there, is in all of it now, and will make happen what He wants to happen at that retreat, whether things go the way we planned or not. He is in control.

Other things have slowly piled on the last couple of weeks, that I am still struggling with, and I can't even put a name to some of them.

I am in need of great healing and comfort this weekend. I don't even know what from. God does, and He knows the deepest part of me that is hurting right now. I think He is doing heart surgery, asking me to offer my body as a living sacrifice. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is oh, so weak.

I read something in today's devotional in "My Utmost for His Highest" about binding the sacrifice to the horns of the alter (me, my flesh, being the sacrifice) and then enduring, being willing to go through the fiery trial to follow. It will burn the flesh away, the unneeded things that are hindering me.

I need to be willing to be poured out for others, like a drink offering.

Cup overturned, empty.
Not a drop left.

I feel that way now, but not the cup spent in sacrifice... but the one knocked over prematurely. Like someone sweeping off a table in a fit of rage, knocking the cups over onto the floor, emptying them and scattering them heedless of the destruction just caused.

Maybe the enemy wasn't as "heedless" as I would like to think, but much more vengeful and hateful and purposeful behind the knocking down and over, and trampling through the wreckage.

These are just some thoughts rolling through my head.
I have little time left for a graceful closing to this post.

Please pray for the weekend. It is doubtful I will have an internet connection where I am going, even with my computer with me. And even if I do, I am not going to connect to the internet at all to check email or Facebook.

My biggest request is prayer.
For me.
For our speaker, who I know is getting hit by the enemy prior to this retreat.
For the women coming, all who have faced major opposition, either not coming or beaten down but still showing up.
For the Holy Spirit to be poured out on all of us.
For our ears and eyes to be open to hear and see what He is doing in our midst, and how He is speaking to our hearts.

Please pray for me to be able to not only lead the worship, guide the transitions between things, make the lunch, and administrate in any other way needed...
But to not be so distracted by other things that I cannot hear what God is saying to me, too.

Thank you for making it through this long post.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and then to pray.
Thank you for your friendships. They mean more to me than you will ever know.

Joy, boundaries, and brokenness

I have made a friend in the course of the past couple of months. She is a new believer and gone through some things in her life that have been very difficult. God is slowly changing her thought patterns, and freeing her from her past.

It has been amazing to see the growth in her in just the past couple of months. And that in nothing compared to the changes that have happened in the past couple of years.

To top it all off, she is a single mom of a 16yr old boy. Up to this point, this young man has seen that his mother is "light" and he was "dark" (as he put it in the words he knew).

Very perceptive.

He has had a friend that goes to our church... that he goes to school with. He slowly over the last 4 months or so, would occasionally ask his mom about God. He was willing to listen sometimes, and was glad for her, but it wasn't for him.

The friend that he goes to school with - well, they just became really good friends this year. My friends son, well, just thinks he is awesome, and finally found out that his friend went to our church.

This friend invited him to our youth group 3 weeks ago. He loved it! Then he came to church with his mom and his friend and friend's family. He stayed for the community group/sunday school time after church. He loved it!

He got his first bible from his friend. He started reading it right away!

Last week, he went to youth group again with his friend. Our associate pastor, who helps lead the youth group, spoke very strongly about the importance of making a decision for Christ, especially in the light of Haiti - and you never know when.

Pastor strongly urged the youth to not leave the building that night without knowing where they were going.

My friend's son grabbed Pastor Brad a bit later, and said he wanted to know more about this salvation thing. Pastor Brad grabbed his friend, and the two of them led this young man to the Lord.

Now my friend and her son are both "light." She has her son back, knowing he is Christ's now, and they are learning and growing together. He even came to church this past week, when his mom was working.

God is SO good. What an amazing change! We are still celebrating how God has worked in their lives.

Anyway....

God gave me and my new friend the chance to talk this week... I wasn't too busy at work, and the phone didn't ring too much while we were talking.

He has been helping her draw some boundaries in her life, because she hasn't really known how to do that before. Slowly God is maturing her, not only in relationship with Him, but also growing her emotionally out of where she was stuck for so long.

We have gotten to know each other pretty well in the past couple of months. Especially in the last 4 weeks or so, we have spent some good time together, and shared quite openly.

I had been aware her boundary issues, so it was in the back of my mind, as we grew to know each other... and I was aware of it because I too used to have boundary issues. I still do in some ways, and there are old tapes that play in my head, and I am having to learn new boundaries with my job now.

As we talked this week, she shared how over the past week she had really been struggling and didn't know why. But God finally revealed why to her. She said that she really needed to draw some boundaries for herself. She was realizing that she was starting to slide down a "slippery slope" as she called it. She needed to back off and start over in our friendship. More slowly, instead of jumping in so quickly to getting to know each other. There is much more there, but that is all I am free to share here.

I apologized for calling so much and kind of pushing myself on her - offering to go for coffee or a meal two weeks in a row besides seeing her at church and our small group.

It was a good conversation. I came away from it really feeling ok about it.

After my long weekend at the church, I left a bit early from work on Tuesday. I headed home and was able to spend some time with God. Our senior Pastor had talked about the benefits of self-examination this past Sunday. Without realizing it, that is exactly what I did that afternoon. I spent time before God and sought His guidance and light to shine on anything that I might have done wrong, so that I wouldn't do it again.

Finally, I slept for a bit. Had a rough night's sleep that night, and went to work the next day. Just over the course of the day, through our women's retreat meeting that afternoon, I just became so aware of what the enemy was trying to do, among the leaders, among the women attending, to keep them from coming, to hinder their time at the retreat.

At about 4pm, Wednesday I got the church to myself. Everyone had left early to eat and rest up for the night of youth, AWANA, etc. I wandered my way into the sanctuary.

There I kind of had a melt down. I am ashamed to say that God revealed pride in my heart towards my relationship with my friend. What arrogance! And what childishness too, in the way I was reacting within myself to our conversation from the day before.

I can "defend" myself by saying it seemed to tap into some old insecurities and rejections, and that was part of what I was reacting to. But God just took the time to reveal areas that I hadn't been honoring Him in.

I repented and spent significant time at the foot of the cross in there. Seeking forgiveness. Interceding for the women coming on the retreat. Interceding for my friend. Seeking wholeness and healing for myself. Asking God to fill the emptiness and help lift my depression, rather than me seeking relief in other people, other things, etc.

I spent a great deal of time in tears before God. Broken. Again. And how fitting considering that our retreat has that theme!

Yesterday really was a pretty good day, but the closer I got to the evening, and to small group where I would see my friend, I got more nervous.

It was silly really. I mean, we would see each other, but there would be others around, and it would be easier for us to step back from each other within that context.

As I got there, we talked around the table during our meal, and I was able to share how much I felt the retreat really was under attack, and that each of us involved or going were under attack too.

I found it hard to look at my friend when I was talking, at least when she was looking back - I don't know, I just was so unbalanced feeling. Not because of anything she did, not because of anything really that we had talked about.

The more I look back on it, it just really felt like my emotions and thoughts weren't clear. I feel now, looking back that it was all a haze last night. I hardly remember the beginning part of the evening... at least not the details.

I feel like I didn't handle anything well at all, and am afraid that I made my friend even more uncomfortable, and that I need to apologize to her. Anything that I did last night had nothing to do with her, or how she treated me, or that she had spoken with me. It had everything to do with me.

I hope and pray that it doesn't affect her coming to small group, coming to the retreat - anything.

I mean, I suppose that I should expect all this unsettledness, prior to the retreat. I got some good work done on the worship for the weekend yesterday morning. I feel more ready. I also get this coming Tuesday off so that I can spend more time in preparation.

As you can see - I still really need prayers.
I need balance in relationships.
I need clear guidance from God.
I need wisdom in speaking with my friend, to apologize to her.

I need that broken, contrite, and humble heart that God will not despise.

I need my thoughts and emotions to line up with God's truth, not the lies the enemy is throwing at me.

I also need to trust that my pouring out my heart here won't be misinterpreted... or hurtful to anyone else.

So, today is a mix of joy for my friend and her son, who gets to tell his story, and his testimony this Sunday in front of church, as a God at work... and a mix of sadness, depression, and brokenness.

So this post ends up being that mix as well. I am praying that even in the midst of the turmoil that I can find God's joy and God's peace.

And some heat in this house! (It is -6 outside right now, and our infloor heating can't keep up with the leaky windows we have here!!!!! Shiver... but I'm so grateful for the heat that we do have!!)

May you also find that joy and peace.

...attacks coming, learning and growth... prayer needed

On of the things I learned last week is that God will use anyone and anything to speak to you.

Duh, right?

I have learned this before.

I got to meet with the speaker for our women's retreat (coming up at the beginning of February) this past week.

We met to talk about the music that I will be preparing. I wanted to make sure that it dovetailed with her talks. I didn't want to move from upbeat praise to a real introspective talk, etc.

We talked about all sorts of things, getting to know each other. Let me tell you, from right off, I really liked her. I just felt we "clicked," if that makes sense on a first meeting of someone. (For most of you out there, you will get this!!)

Anyway, I felt very comfortable sharing part of my story with her, of depression. I honestly don't remember HOW much I shared, but some of my counseling with Tricia, and some of how I have been recently dealing with depression.

As we talked more, I also shared with how 2 women have had to drop off the team in the course of planning (one of them being my dear friend, Cindy).

She looked at me, at one point in our conversation and said something to the effect of:

Sometimes when we face the most oppression (referencing Cindy and the other gal dropping off, my depression, and some things she is dealing with) is just when God is going to do something really big.

That hit me like a ton of bricks.

It got a bit of fire in my belly... making me think that I am not going to go down under this. I am not going to let the enemy get the best of me, or take me out and interfere with whatever God wants to do.

So, God already used her to teach me something, to remind me of something... to get me up and fighting again.

Please pray, because I really think our team, our speaker, and the women coming to the retreat are really being hit hard.

Another person off our team is not going to the retreat. She will help finish organizing us and help set up, but is not attending. We are down to 3 on the team now for the weekend.

Another woman came to me and because of something that God has made her aware of in there life, she almost decided not to come. She has signed up and paid her money, but expressed some reservations. I am thankful that she talked to me, because I was able to (hopefully) help her to not be concerned.

I need prayer as I prepare in the next week and a half. I am worn out from this past weekend of work on the Annual Celebration at our church. It was a wonderful time, but the extra hours have caught up with me today.

And God used that conversation with the woman who almost didn't sign up for the retreat to point some things out in my heart.... but more on that later I think. That's another post.

Here are a few things I could use help with.

1. Prayer as I prepare the worship, as I pray for each of the women coming.
2. Prayer for me as well, that I don't get so caught up in planning, leading, and my responsibilities that I miss out on hearing what God has to say to me through this weekend.
3. Prayer for our speaker as she prepares her talks and how to communicate on the theme of Brokenness.
4. Prayer for our team as we seek Him, and try to make sure we have everything covered.
5. Prayer for all of us attending that God would speak to our very hearts, in very personal ways.
6. Prayer that we would respond to Him, and surrender all to Him.
7. Prayer for protection from the enemies attacks.

These are my major requests. As God leads you to other prayers for us, please do. He knows what we all need. I just hope and pray that we will feel the unity of His Spirit moving there, and that the enemy would have no ground, no way of interfering with any of the retreat.

Choices. Decisions.

Choices.

It seems it is all about choices we make.

Who do we choose?
What do we choose to do?

Decisions.

There are so many decisions that seem so necessary.

How are we going to handle that?
What is going to be our next move, response, word?


Right now, I am faced with choices and decisions.

I am trying to figure out what is this depression that I find myself struggling with on more than a once a week basis.

Is it seasonal?
Is it hormonal?
Is it chemical?
Is it a stronghold or lie?

If it is any or all of the above, what am I going to do about it?

As stress is building up in my job right now, the depression is something that I really need to keep tabs on.

I remember when I first started seeing my psychiatrist over 2 years ago, he asked me to stop rating my depression on a scale of 1-10. He wanted me to stop focusing on that totally. He wanted me to start focusing on how many "joy" moments I had during the day.

He said we would know when the depression was lifting, and the medication was working for me, when I was at the point where I had the "number" or "level" of joy moments in my daily life that I wanted.

I stopped keeping track, because it was hard to keep a "chart" and because it got to the point where, though things were tough, and there were some days I really had to look for the joy moments to keep going... most of the time, I really had quite a few.

Right now, the stress of my job could be the thing that's taking such a toll on me emotionally. I just am in a stretch of really stressful weeks. By the end of this weekend, I will be done with one part.

But then, I will be preparing for a women's retreat that I am part of the planning committee... and that comes at the beginning of February.

So, part of the depression could be a reaction to the stress I am under.

But I find that I am having to look hard for, and remind myself of, the "joy moments" more and more.

It keeps coming down to choices and decisions I am having to make.

Am I going to try to fit in more things to my already crushed schedule?
Am I going to make healthy choices in the amount and quality of food and sleep I am getting?
Am I going to do the easiest thing, even if it isn't the best thing?
Am I going to try to fight the lies and strongholds, even when I am exhausted?

Will I choose to do what God is calling me to do, or am I going to succumb and knuckle under and give up in defeat.... when the victory is already mine in Christ?

I think we all face these choices. Yearly, monthly, weekly, daily... hourly.....

We face choices.
We make decisions.

We can't "not" make choices and decisions. By not making a choice or decision, we are letting someone else decide for us, and by default we are choosing something.

I don't want to make a decision, by not making a decision about what to do.

I see my psychiatrist in about 2 weeks. I can ask him then what his recommendation would be. I have been doing really pretty well up until about the last month or so. But who knows, maybe my body is still adjusting to not being on an anti-depressant. I don't know. He can only guess.

I guess all of this is to say, we are all facing our own choices, decisions and struggles. Mine is depression, and how to handle it in a safe way.

I know some of my warning signs.

I know too that God is working on me in some areas as I wrote about previously... and further just through this past Sunday at church.

I also know that the enemy knows my weaknesses. He would love to prevent me from being able to minister encouragement to others this weekend during our church celebration. He would love to keep me from being able to serve and minister at the women's retreat. He would love to stress me out, hype me up, and get me to worry myself into panic attacks.

Please pray for me, because I KNOW that God has make me for more than this. I am the apple of His eye and so are you.

Pray that you and I would stand up and make the right choices and decisions... beginning with one declaration.

"Get behind me Satan."

And moving forward from there. Towards God. Towards peace. Into the loving arms of our Savior, safe and sound. The best decision we could ever make.

In the grip of lies...

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. There is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

So, that is where I left you in my last post.... Now, if you haven't read that post, you do need to go back and read it HERE because this one hinges on that one.

Go on. I'll wait for you...

Ok, read it now?

Good.

Now where to go from here....

Oh yes, I was talking about living in an intimate relationship with Christ as our husband - that being the reconciliation that begins at forgiveness.

My next thoughts in my journal were:

Can I trust Him as my Husband? Is this where I am getting stuck? Trusting Him to love me and not leave me, not abandon me?

Talk about a loaded question!

I mean, I have traveled a long way in these two years of blogging. I have gone through a lot of healing, and a lot of it very transparent here. There are somethings, that for the sake of others I have kept off of the public forum. God has healed those as well.

God has taught me, over and over, how much He loves me. I know He does, and believe it with all my heart...

So I thought, until those words above came flowing out.

I think God is leading me deeper... to a deeper love. I have needed the love of Him as my Father... but now I need to know His deeper, more intimate love.... and trust it too. Know and believe it.

At the end of the sermon, our pastor gave us a time of reflection.

I wrote:

Oh Lord, can You possibly love this? This person that I am when I turn away from Your promptings?

The impression of His answer that I got and wrote down....

Who are you to tell me what to do with My love. I give it to whom I choose. I choose you and will not take it back. I do not love as men love.

How do you even respond to that, except with tears.

------------------------

Later a question was asked in our community group time that I am going to ask here.

What keeps you from living with the awareness of God's passionate love for you?

What keeps me from living with that awareness?

• I believe things that are not true.
• 
  
• I feel that God is going to do to me what others have - betray me and hurt me in the same ways, reject me and leave me alone in despair.
• 
  
• I believe the lies, wondering if I can really trust Him. Can I really believe, dare I believe what He says? That He is who He says He is, that He will do what He says He will do, that I am who He says that I am?

I need to believe the truth. I need to believe God's truth. I need to trust Him. I know it, but I need it to sink down deeper into my heart.

I am only now really starting to explore all of this. I am only now letting God crack open that door in my heart where I am broken and can't fix me. Where I have been running from.

I don't want to run.
I don't want to just cope.
I don't want to hide from God by doing other things.

I want to trust Him when I am anxious to calm me.
I want to trust Him when I am depressed to save me.
I want to trust Him when I feel empty to fill me.

I want to trust Him to satisfy my every hunger and thirst with Himself, rather than trying to fill myself with worldly pleasures that lead to pain and bondage... even if they are "harmless."

I don't want find myself waking up with regret in the morning because I indulged the night before.

The enemy is trying to rob me of the joy of the Lord which is my strength. He wants me to believe the lie that I can't trust God to keep loving me when I do wrong and hurt His heart.

That's really what it is. I have done some things that I know God is asking me not to. And guess what? I feel guilty. I will be doing them and even say out loud, "God I know you don't want me to do this, and I'm sorry. I already feel guilty." But in my pride and arrogance, stubbornness and willfulness, I keep on doing whatever it is.

Then I question myself later, and wonder how He could still possibly love me, when I totally stiff arm Him like that?

So I continue to run, because I don't want to see the dying embers of a Husband's love for me, flicker and go out.

I thought I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that God loved me, flaws and all, past and present and future. I really did.

But it seems that there is more deep down, a hurt deep down that I haven't let God's love fully invade.

Here is my final prayer from my journal, from Sunday.

I need Your unconditional, passionate, crazy love to touch my heart in a deeper way than before. To loosen the grip of the lie.

The lie that I am not worth anything - that I am an object to be betrayed - that You will withdraw Your love from me - that You will take your hand off me.

Oh Lord, this hurts to look at. Yet there it is. There I am. It's ugly. The lie is ugly... and knowing its there, after all this time.... that I still believe that somewhere inside..... after all the hard work I have done.... after all the healing God has done.....

When God has proven Himself over and over to me, that He will never leave me nor forsake me, why do I still doubt Him? How can I allow the enemy in there so easily? Why is it so easy for me to surrender sacred ground, rather than stand and fight for it?!

I feel like such a fool when all God is doing is asking for another piece of my heart to heal back into the whole... and I am clenching it, while my hands are being cut to ribbons by it. I'm bleeding all over the place, and am trying to pretend that there is nothing wrong, when it's very obvious that something is terribly wrong.

I need to spend these last few minutes I have alone for the night with my Jesus, who wants me to come sit in His lap.

If you didn't read the link just above, about my heart, read it HERE. Because I need to remember that healing, and the truth in that, rather than the lie that is beating me down and holding me back.

If I can just let go and surrender to God.
Be broken before him.

I am broken inside.
Broken before Him is the only way I will be healed.

I am broken inside, and I can't fix me...

As was obvious from my last post, I have been struggling with some times of darkness.

I have been trying to figure out what is causing it. I have asked God to reveal it to me. I know there is a cause. I know there is something that I am running from, and something that God is trying to work on me and in me.

He is trying to break me. I am broken inside, and I can't fix me, though I try. So I cover up. I cope. I run.

What He wants is for me to stop running.
What He wants is to break me...

...in the right way.

When I woke up Saturday morning, I started to listen to God, at least a little bit. I just laid there and said to Him, "I can't do this day. I can't do the fighting and outbursts from my son and the anger and tension that has been there since Thursday night."

I felt like He said to me, "pray."

"Um, God. I am"

"No. Really pray about it."

And so I did.

I got the distinct impression that I really needed to take a spiritual stand in our house, that morning, that moment. I prayed and took my stand against the enemy of our souls. I know now without a doubt that the angry elephant in the room (courtesy of my friend, Elaine) was trying to get me to concede to him ground that wasn't his in the first place. I needed to take my stand and say that this house, this family, my heart and mind were not Satan's, but God's.

The day got better.

Though I didn't get much more time with Jesus that day, the whole day had a different flavor than the one before.

In the morning, on Sunday, I got up and had a small amount of time to myself before church. I specifically asked God to anoint the worship, and our Pastor's sermon, to fill the church with His Spirit, and to cover us all with His blood, so that our ears would be unstopped and hearts open to hear His word, receive it, and do something with it.

Finally at church, God broke through the barriers I had set up against Him.

Our pastor spoke out of the book of Hosea - speaking of Hosea's marriage as a parallel to Israel's life, but also to our own, and how God has taken everything He had, His very Son, to buy us back from slavery and reconcile His Bride to Himself.

These were a few things that I wrote in my journal.

(figuratively speaking - NOT literal)

How many times God have I danced with other men? How many times have I loved others? How many times have I prostituted myself to others, to other gods, sold myself out, committed adultery against you?

Yet you still pursue me. Why? You still want me. ME. You still love me. You allowed me today to feel you as I clung to you in faith today, in worship... You turned around my thoughts - helped me to have someone to confess to, clearly and honestly what was going on in my life, yesterday. You awoke today my need for You, my desperateness for You - my depravity without You. You love ME.

Again, in the middle of the sermon:

In the midst of my faithlessness and adultery, His love for me has come, covered me like a mighty flood - smooths out my rough edges - like a jagged rock under a waterfall - until I am beautiful and pure before Him.

These thoughts were the preparation for what God revealed next to me. For the most part, for the record, I believe that I am loved by God, fully forgiven and fully loved. I know that in my heart.

But how deeply?

Pastor Kim shared that reconciliation begins with forgiveness, but doesn't end there. Reconciliation is living in a relationship with a God who is our Husband.

That my friends is an intimate relationship. That is a scary relationship. Knowing and being fully known. Being willing to open yourself up to the other, trusting your heart to them, trusting they won't hurt you.

But so many times, here on earth we do hurt our spouses. I know I have. Hurt him, and been hurt.

Our relationships with our spouses are an imperfect reflection of our marriage relationship with Christ. Jesus will never hurt us. He will never walk away from us if we hurt His heart. By dancing with other "men" - other "gods."

So I believe that I am loved, flaws and all, past and all, by God. By my heavenly Father. there is no doubt in my mind......

....but somewhere in my heart, deeper than I have gone before, God is opening something else up to the light....

(sorry, but this is getting long... so, yes... to be continued)

Darkness creeping in....

This week I would say has "been a week."

You know those.
Best explanation would be LONG.

I have been very busy for work, getting ready for our church's annual celebration. It is going to be really fun, but a lot of work up front for me.

I have met with a new friend through our bible study... we have enveloped two new women, and one of the women's daughter. It has taken some minor adjustments to our group, where we meet, how we fit all of us around a table, and just getting to know and trust each other enough to be pretty real with each other.

One of the women I have really clicked with. We have some things in common, and we got together this week for dinner. We had such a good time, and a great time of sharing.

I knew God was in the conversation and in our sharing and how we related. I was completely at peace about it. Since then, I have found myself wondering how much to trust, how much to reveal, concerned about so many things that really God is in control of. As He demonstrated just in our first getting together.

I think the enemy has been working me over pretty good though since then. This whole week has had good things, and great things, and though there were stresses, it was really, really good to see how God worked through it all.

So why do I only see the things that haven't happened? The things that I have been hit by?

I was feeling sick, mid-week, to the point that I really couldn't eat very much. I just wasn't feeling good. I slept a lot.

However, there is something bothering to me.

What, you ask?

I have no idea.

But it feels like I am trying to medicate, anesthetize myself so that I don't feel something, or think about something... or maybe even to keep myself from drawing close to God.

But what would I be so afraid of? Afraid enough that I want to block anything out, stop thinking? Why would I not want to be close to God? Close to Him is the safest place to be... why fear that?

I suppose part of it, is the world, my flesh, and the devil working against me to keep me from really pursuing God.

I want so much of God, I want to be free of some things that have been plaguing me. I don't know how to do that and am at sort of a loss. Its more than "doing" something to refocus myself, though bible studies and stuff are good.

It's really about being.

I was going along so well this summer, practicing the presence of God, really being with Him, still with Him. Now I have found that it is very hard to do again. I have lost the consistency of it that I had.

.... and I find this depression creeping in on me....

It darkens the edges of my day, of my thoughts, my perceptions of everything around me.

It is starting to take more and more effort to do things needing doing. To get out and run errands, to do tasks around the house, to even have the motivation to go outside and play with the kids.

I have just wanted to curl up and hide. Sleep. Disengage my mind. I fought against it so hard last night at our bible study, that I was so anxious by the end that I could hardly sit still.

I am so very tired.

I had been doing so much better for such a long time, that even when I hit a road block, that I know is gonna happen at one point or another as God works on me at a new level, I don't want to write.

I think that is why it has been so silent here. I have tried to be upbeat when I have written, but I don't have that in me today.

So this is what you get.

This girlfriend.
Struggling, hurting, confused, depressed and wanting to run.

Life is good, God is better!

Last year at this time, I was looking at my life, wondering how I was possibly going to get through the new year with no counseling. I had just finished with my counselor, and was scared I couldn't do it on my own.

I was right. I couldn't.
But God did.

There were many things that He helped me do this year.

He prompted me to sign up for the conference "She Speaks" through Proverbs 31 Ministries. I prepared my talks, I went, I made new friends, I spoke... I also learned a ton!

God got me involved in the leadership team that is helping plan our church's first women's retreat (coming in February).

He also gave me a part time job as the administrator for my church.

Those are 3 big things that I didn't think I would be doing any time soon. Looking into 2009 last year, I had no idea those things were on the horizon (though I did suspect that She Speaks was).

God has blessed me in so many ways this year. Though I haven't written as much as I did the first year, I am just finishing my second year of blogging. I still have been able to write, and not just "newsy" stuff, but heart stuff too.

He has given me friendships through my blog and through Facebook that I would have never thought possible.

He helped me work through and memorize 24 verses through the Siesta 1st and 15th Scripture Memory challenge through the LPM blog. Some of them are a bit fuzzy now.... but I still have them there, and I still had them as I needed them for the circumstances I faced.

He helped me get a solo in Wausau Lyric Choir last spring. Did a major healing in me through that concert alone. And then He asked me to step down from it this year. It has made me sad, but right now, I know it would be too much and I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

I got to go, with several miracles on God's part, with a friend to the Living Proof Live event in Green Bay this year.

Jesus has led me through some life coaching with a dear friend.... and helped me walk with that same friend through some rough times of her own this fall and winter.

One thing that I didn't accomplish was getting finished with writing about She Speaks and all that I learned there. I kind of left you all hanging there... at Part 8 I think... when I was done with all my portion of the speaking, and going in to hear Jennifer Rothschild speak to us.

I guess I will have to finish up writing about She Speaks this coming year!


There is that familiar phrase that everyone uses (almost, it seems anyway) "Life is good." It's even its own clothing label now.

Life IS good....
Because GOD is good.

Whether the circumstances are good or not.... and they aren't always good...... God is in them. He is good. He loves each and every one of us so dearly.

And that is what makes life good.

Because even in the dark, in the light, and in the in-between God is there with us. He holds us, no matter how far away we push Him.... He stays there. With us.

Always.

Life is good....
.... but God is better!

May God bless you and yours this day and all the ones to come.
Love,

Advent of Trust #24 and 25

I am a bit behind with my Advent posts.... ok, two behind. Byt there are some reasons... really! :)

The day after Christmas, and it is relatively quiet here. Peter is playing behind me. Marina is at the farm. The kids and I are all sick... I didn't get it till yesterday, and Peter relapsed last night. Probably too much excitement and traveling and late nights.

I didn't get to post the last couple of days because we traveled a lot in the bad weather. I either had no internet access, or no time to get on the computer.

We had a huge winter storm come in, and had to drive from here to Madison in bad weather on Christmas Eve. Thankfully we were able to get there and once we got through the freezing rain that was happening near us, we were just contending with wet roads, rain and bad drivers around us.

We had a wonderful time with my family that day, and it was a great time for all of us to reconnect again.

God has blessed us so much with a wonderful family.

We went to Madison prepared to spend the night because the weather was supposed to be worse that evening. But we decided, partially because Dave had to work Christmas day, and partially because we had a friend in Madison who was trying to make it to Mosinee that night, to push through and try to make it home.

We packed up the kids, drove to the north side of Madison in wind and rain, and met up with Matt. Then we hit the road, with Matt following us in his car. Things were wet, but fine until just north of Portage, WI.... then went downhill from there.

Snow, sleet, freezing rain and wind.
Crazy drivers passing us at breakneck speed.

Several slide offs and spin outs were passed. But not one of them ended up being us. Praise God!

We averaged anywhere from 50 miles an hour to about 30 miles an hour. When we made it home, we unwound a bit, and then turned over our office to Matt and went to bed about 1:30am.

I woke up at 8:30, and as quickly as we could we partially unpacked Dave's car from the Madison trip, threw our presents for Dave's family into my car, and headed for the farm. We had several celebrations with Dave's family (some family that was leaving town this morning, and then his parents and brother, then some friends of the family who came over).

I took a nap in the afternoon (BLISS!!!) in between celebrations. Peter and Marina played with family, toys and watched a movie. They had a wonderful time.

We had such a good time with everyone.

God blessed us this year. Even with the horrible weather, and our long traveling.

We are coming down off the "high" of Christmas and are so grateful for our family and friends.

We gave one of our son's friends a bible. Her first. She is a reader, and was so excited about getting it, that she started reading it right away.... as in, took it to a back bedroom, and had me help her learn how to look up a scripture verse she had memorized in AWANA, then started reading in Genesis. She read the first 3 chapters in Genesis last night before bed, her mom told me.

She just started going to AWANA this year with Peter. She has loved it, memorizing loads of verses at a time, and now finding great enjoyment in having her own bible.

I remember at the beginning of the year being hesitant at getting the kids involved in AWANA because of the time commitment of it. Now, I can see the fruits of trusting God with it, not only in my own kid's lives, but also the life of someone else who was touched through that ministry... including this little girl's family as well.

I hope that God will help me remember to trust, no matter what is going on around me. He has shown me the fruits of that trust this year, this season of Advent, and just these past few days. Lives influenced and changed, amazing outcomes of surgery, healing bodies and hearts and emotions, safe travels and a friend home safe.

He is so good.

I hope that you have learned as much as I have through this journey through Advent of Trust. May I leave you with one more encouragement from God's word.

"Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to Him,
For God is our refuge.
Selah."
Psalm 62:8

Advent of Trust #23; getting a "no?"

This devotional entry from "Jesus Calling," by Sarah Young is very appropriate for tonight.

December 23
"I am King of kings and Lord of lords, dwelling in dazzlingly bright Light! I am also your Shepherd, Companion, and Friend - the One who never lets go of your hand. Worship me in my holy Majesty; come close to Me, and rest in My Presence. You need Me both as God and as Man. Only My Incarnation on that first, long-ago Christmas could fulfill your neediness. Since I went to such extreme measures to save you from your sins, you can be assured that I will graciously give you all you need.
Nurture well your trust in Me as Savior, Lord and Friend. I have held back nothing in My provision for you. I have even deigned to live within you! Rejoice in all that I have done for you, and My Light will shine through you into the world."
Page 374

I am working on nurturing that trust in Jesus as my Savior, Lord and Friend. I am working on remembering that if God gave us His one and only Son, how would He not graciously give us all things.

It is such a beautiful truth that God knows what is best for us, even when we ask for something we think is good... if it really isn't, He will say no.

I might get my "no" tomorrow when Dave goes out in the morning to "test" how bad the roads are to determine if we can make it to Madison or not. I might get God's "no." Whether that is because we are not supposed to go now, because we could get hurt or stuck in the storm... or because we will be harmed by trying so hard to squeeze too much into such a short amount of time.

Maybe a "no" will be God's way of getting us to slow down a bit more these next couple of days.

I don't know.

That may never be explained....

I mean, what if we head out, and feel it's safe in the morning, and end up stuck, in a ditch or worse? God knows all... He knows what will happen tomorrow and the next couple of days. Maybe He will let us in on it, and again, maybe He won't.

Either way, I know that He will work out all things for the good of those who love Him. He will work out all the situations of this weekend for our good and, more importantly, for His glory.

Now, will my head please tell that to my heart?

Advent of Trust #22; I WILL TRUST

From Dictionary.com

Trust:
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

I will not trust in my car, I will not trust in the weather, or the weather man!

I will not trust in presents to make me happy.

I will not trust in my family to make me happy and give me a sense of worth.

I WILL TRUST in the name of the Lord, by whom I am saved.

I WILL TRUST in God the strength and shield of my life. He will keep me safe and preserve my life. He knows when I will leave this earth, just as much as He planned when I came into it.

No matter the weather, I will celebrate Christmas with my family in the next two days. That means, even if the weather precludes our travel to Madison to see my family, I will still celebrate with my family. Celebrate that Jesus came and was born and grew up as a man, and died and rose again as the Living God.

God is good, and in the uncertainties of life... even of these couple of days of crazy weather, I will trust in Him.

Advent of Trust #21; the fruit of trusting...

Today was a special day for me. It was my birthday and my son's birthday as well.

I walked into work this morning, to a "Happy Birthday" balloon attached to my desk, and cards.

I got home to a precious package from a couple who have become dear friends to me. We have only known each other through our blogs, and emails back and forth. But through just those avenues, God has blessed both of us.

The internet may be a strange way in some people's sight, to connect and make friends. But I have found that God has blessed me with friends that I would have never found otherwise. Removed by states, countries, long distance phone calls, long drives.

My blog started out as a way to communicate with a friend who was oversees for a year. It was a way to share with closer friends and family what was going on in my life, and slowly, as I got more bold, I was able to share more of my heart.

That was when God introduced me to people, and brought others to my blog. Some of us have formed connections, that though distance separates us, and sometimes long silences as well, won't easily be broken.

This couple that sent me this birthday package.. I got a rare glimpse into their home tonight. A CD accompanied a sweet, homemade gift of cookies, with the recipe. On that CD I got to see my friends, hear their voices, see their home, their pets, photos of their children. It was precious to me... so much so.

And I know that they put such love and thought into their gifts to me, and to my son. I am so blessed.

I decided that I would trust God in leading me into safe relationships through facebook and my blog. He has done just that. My horizons have been expanded by the people who have come into my life.

God has challenged me to be authentic here, to be transparent and open with all that goes on in my life (within certain limits) and I have trusted Him and written my heart, even when I was a bit scared to.

That trust has brought me many blessings, and the fruit of one of those was a dear package I got in the mail today from new friends, whose voices I got to hear for the first time.

Thank you.

Advent of Trust #20; Listen the first time

Today we sat up at the very front of church. It's something that my son insists on. He wants to be near the very front, because his AWANA leader sits in the front, and he wants to sit right behind her.

So there we were in the second row, when my 3 3/4 yr. old daughter, Marina, decided to cop an attitude with me. I don't remember what it was about. I just know that during the sermon, she started pouting and loudly telling me "no" about something. Right in front of Pastor Kim.

Yeah.

That didn't go over so well with me.

I made sure she understood that if she didn't quite down we were out of there. She made more noise, and I moved her to the aisle, picked her up and made my way to the back of the church.

She started to put up a fight, kicking her legs (imagine me holding her facing away from me, sitting as if my arms were a seat... then her arching her back and kicking at the same time....)

Then she realized that everyone in the church could see her.
Everyone.

Because. we. were. in. the. front.

She stopped fighting me and I started hearing her stifling her cries.

By the time we were near the back row, she had clapped both hands over her mouth to keep her crying "inside."

As soon as we got out the doors of the sanctuary, she stopped stifling the cries, and let loose.... all the way back to the library.

There we had some privacy for some discipline. A short talk, then we walked back into the sanctuary. Marina was much better the rest of the service.

Aren't we like my daughter sometimes?

We know what we are supposed to do, we have freedom within certain limits. But we push our limits, and are reminded to stay within them or there will be consequences. Sometimes we listen. Other times, well, not so much.

When we don't listen, God has to take us, and discipline us. Sometimes we look for sympathy from others... sometimes we know and dread what's coming, and stifle our cries till we can't any longer.

But when we finally submit, surrender and seek forgiveness, how quickly the relationship is restored!

I wish I would learn to "listen the first time" as I tell my children. If I only listened the first time to my Father, I would be so much better off. I can't tell you how much grief I would have been spared, had I only listened the first time.

I am resolving to try to listen the first time to God. Even when I don't want to, or would rather drag my feet. As I have read, and tried to instill in my kids, "Slow obey is no obey." Resisting doing what God says, or telling Him that I will do it later is not obeying Him.

It's just like my daughter. She might have finally obeyed me this morning, without my having to take her out of the service. What would she have learned? It was OK to do what mommy wanted you to do, in your OWN timing, not mommy's.

Overall lesson learned? If someone wants you to do something, you can take your time at doing it... as long as it finally gets done, after lots of asking and pleading and threats.

That wouldn't apply very well to her relationship with God.

And it doesn't work very well in my relationship with God either.

Let's just say that if I had listened to God a month ago about something, I would have saved myself a month of stuffing, anxiety, fear, frustration and overall stress.

It boils back down to something I have been finding over and over again this month.
TRUST.
Trust in God.

If I fully trust Him, if He has proven Himself trustworthy (and He has) then I need to settle in for the ride and trust Him.

No matter what He tells me to do.

Just as it hurts my heart when my kids don't trust something I say, or trust me enough to do something I want them to that's out of their comfort zone, how much more does it hurt our Father's heart when I don't trust Him?

I don't want to do that any more.

Let's work together.

Let's "listen the first time."

Advent of Trust #19; a family

About 3 weeks ago or so, our small group leader called everyone in the small group to see if we were ok with a couple of new people coming to our group.

We all said yes, and so this week was the 3rd week they have been with us.

I was concerned about how they would fit in, and if they would feel at home. I have been hosting lately because the kids have been with us every week, because of my work schedule now. So, everyone comes here, so that I can get the kids to bed on time, so that they aren't too tired the next day with school and all.

I was nervous too, about having two new people coming in. I mean, I clean for small group coming over, but finally got over my perfectionism enough to be able to let some things go when my friends came over. However, with two new people coming, I found myself getting all tied in knots and unable to focus on one thing at a time!

You know what? I should have trusted God in the first place when we were asked to fold two new people into our small group. Hmmm..... You think???

I let my mind and my preconceived ideas take over, and was unable to relax.

This past week, the kids happened to be gone at the farm for the night. I was able to really relax and enjoy everyone.

After talking with one of the gals a bit as we were making coffee drinks for everyone, and after our discussion in the living room later.... I realized that this was for all of our good and for God's glory. It was good for us to shake up our normal conversations, and comfortable assumptions.

Having two new gals here to question us, and seek answers from God, search the word with us, and share their experiences, has been invigorating... at least for me.

God showed me again to TRUST HIM, even with changing up some of our dynamics within our small group.

This Sunday (the 20th) after church, our small group is gathering with my husbands family to celebrate my son's and my birthday. One of our new members is going to join us out there. I am so thrilled, because I want to get to know her. She is warm and genuine, though she is a bit standoffish in the beginning, she has grown in just the past couple of weeks to open up to us and share.

I am thankful that God has brought both of these precious women into our small group. God has led a unique bunch of people together, bonded us with His love and trust in Him. He has united us in one purpose, to seek Him first, build up and encourage one another, and to learn what it is like to live, love and serve together, as a family.

I am grateful to have been called to such a position in such a family.
I am grateful that He helped me to trust Him enough to open up and trust this family He brought me into.

Advent of Trust #18; trusting Him in reconciliation

I have been struggling with learning how to deal with conflict and make reconciliation a priority in my life.

Facing fear, trusting God to work things out, and speak to people with whom we might be in conflict, takes a lot of gumption.

It's not something that comes easy for me.
For anyone!

Through the process, God has given me opportunities to reconcile with people. I have had the chances to talk to people in my life that I have felt tension with. He has been faithful to work them out. The conversations were not easy, by any means, but useful in setting my mind at rest.

Now I need to work on my part of it. Some of that is not allowing myself to "dredge up" old feelings based on misconceptions. Part of that is renewing my mind. Reminding myself that this person or that person did not intent what I assumed. Therefore, my feelings are based on a lie.

That has been hard, because if I start allowing myself to dwell on the hurts I feel, I find bitterness creeping in. That is not what God has intended for me. I have to stop the feelings and make sure that things are lining up with God's word, in my head. If my thoughts are not lining up with the truth, then I have no business thinking them!!!

Dealing with some of these stressful situations and relationships now has led to some more peace.

I was so stressed out when I was resisting God's call to reconciliation. I had perpetual anxiety plaguing me all day long. I found myself frustrated and fearful of talking to people because I didn't want to be causing division.

Once I finally made the decision to talk to the people I needed to, once I verbalized it to someone to hold me accountable, I found peace overtaking me. Suddenly the knot in my stomach released some.

It's amazing the peace that's found in obeying God!

Trusting God to work all the things for good for all people involved, and working all things so that He is glorified, is hard, but well worth the effort.

The more we walk the path of reconciliation, forgiveness, confession.... the easier it will be... the more like Jesus we will look.

The first time is hard. The first time you feel like you left a million things out when the conversation is over. The first many times you find yourself shaking with relief that the conversations are done.

God is to be trusted though, and if he says to drop everything at the alter and go be reconciled first, then you had better do it!

There is a reason He has said it. There is purpose behind His wanting you to reconcile with others. It's for your good and for His glory!

Advent of Trust #17; He likes me....

Our small group has been reading through a book by Bruce Wilkinson called "Secrets of the Vine." We read a chapter a week and then discuss it when we come together again.

This week we were talking about really abiding in God's presence. He talks about how abiding isn't doing more for God. Abiding is about a relationship, the most important friendship in our lives. In our world it is so hard for us to stop doing and just be.

It takes letting go of our control and letting God take over. The world will go on without us, believe it or not!

But how many of us really want to let go of that control? Especially if we feel that God doesn't like us?

"If our need for this relationship [a deep, abiding friendship] is so deep and constant, why do so few of us fervently pursue it? One of the primary reasons, I'm convinced, is that we don't really believe God likes us. Sure, we believe God loves us in a theological sense (God loves everybody, right?), but we don't feel particularly like by Him. We're convinced that He remembers all the bad things we've done in the past and is quick to judge how we're doing now. We assume He's impatient, busy with more important things, and reluctant to spend time with us. Why would you want to spend time with a person who felt that way about you?"

I know there were so many times in the past that I have had struggles with how I feel God views me. It's more because of how I viewed myself, and I assumed that God viewed me the same way.

It isn't as bad anymore. There are many days where I feel very secure with God, knowing that He loves me and likes me. He created me (and you) and delights in us. As that has sunk into my head and heart, it has become more of a part of me.

There are still times when I don't find myself hanging onto that. There are times when I feel that God is not liking me very much and holding past offenses, past sins against me. The old thoughts, the old lies take over.

But when I look at the past and what God has done for me, I remember to trust in His care for me, His love for me and that He not only likes me, but delights in me.

Advent of Trust #16; Scripture memory Part 2

"Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." 2 Peter 1:4

This is the second verse of my final scripture memory for this year.

These both were good verses to finish off my year with.

God's glory and goodness have given us great and precious promises. Promises we can trust in. Promises that He will be with us all the time. Promises that He loves us. Promises that we are reminded of again and again during this season of Advent.

He has given us HIS very great and precious promises. Think of all the promises that are in the Bible. Think of the different ways He fulfills His promises to us.

As we talked last night at our bible study, we talked about how difficult it is for us to remember how God has been faithful in the past. We come up against new things, challenges, difficulties and we panic and try to take care of them in our own strength.

We forget to trust.
We forget the way God has fulfilled His promises to us in the past.
We forget that He has given us everything we need.

We think that we have to try to do it all on our own. We end up getting caught up in the world's definitions of success, freedom, security. We allow our own desires and sinful habits of coping take over, we fall back into them.

There are days when things go great and we are thrilled because for once, for one day (or maybe on hour) we have relied on God. Then there are the days where we fall back into the old groove again. The old tapes play, we find ourselves believing the old lies...

But we can participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption of the world......
Through His great and precious promises.

Praise God He always gives us a way out. He gives us strength for the circumstances. He gives us peace for the journey.
He gives us the reminder that He is with us the whole way, and will help us renew our minds.

He gives us chance after chance to trust Him. And He doesn't give up on us.
Praise God!