Advent of Trust #15; Scripture Memory Part 1

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by his own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3

This is the first part of my current LPM Scripture Memory... and my last scripture of the year... #24.

It just hit me that my friend Cindy has been quoting this verse to me probably for the last year, and I finally got to the point where I needed to memorize it. It is a good thing to hang my hat on at the end of the year.

What a promise this is!

He "has given" us everything we need. Past tense. There is no wondering if we are going to get what we need. It's already given to us.

It's not just everything we need for our life... which is wonderful in and of itself... but for godliness as well.

Can you imagine?

It's not about our striving or hoping or working on it. He has given us everything we need to live godly lives. Jesus in us, the Holy Spirit guiding us, God Himself on our side. All we need to do is recognize our need, ask for His help.... and trust that He has already given us that help.

Obtaining what His divine power has given us comes through our knowledge of Him. Talk about making me want to dig into the Bible even more! What better way to get to know our Father than by digging into the very word that He wrote, that He speaks through?

The more we know Him, the better we understand all that we need for life and godliness. We can appropriate it for our own.

And the final words of this verse are so easy to gloss over.

"...who called us by his own glory and goodness."

We are called... not because of us... but because of Him...

His glory.
His goodness.

Look around us now... Look at the preparations underway for Christmas. Christmas is all about His glory and His goodness being expressed to us.

You have been called.
I have been called.

By His glory and His goodness.
By His Son.

Let's prepare Him room. Let's look towards celebrating our calling by Him this Christmas. It's so close. This year, don't miss thanking Him for calling us, for giving us everything we could ever need, for helping us to live godly lives, for giving us a way to know Him.

Trust Him with your whole heart. This season commemorates the beginning of the earthly life of the One who would die for our sins so we could live in freedom before Him.

May God renew your Trust in Him.... His divine power is more than enough... for you, for everything and everyone.

Advent of Trust #14; Beauty in scars

I was reading a devotional the other day by Jennifer Rothschild called "Fresh Grounded Faith." This is what I read:

"[Our] beauty comes from the radiance of Christ that is best revealed through our scars. It's a compelling strength that becomes realized only in our weakness. It's a beauty forged in the refining fire of trials, and a loveliness fashioned on the anvil of faithfulness."
(Day 1, Page 15)

I want Christ's radiance to be shown through me. Every day, in every way.

It won't if I hang onto control of my life. If I insulate and isolate myself from life, and don't allow myself to be really touched by life, by anyone, Christ won't be seen in me.

I won't take risks where my weakness is seen, so His strength can fill me.
I won't be wounded by life, and healed by Him.
I won't face trials, and be refined and perfected.

I desire that loveliness. But that loveliness doesn't just come. Jennifer's quote says that it comes on "the anvil of faithfulness."

An anvil sounds painful doesn't it?

It takes a lot of faithfulness to stay on that anvil when life pounds you down flat. It takes trust in the Master and His ability to use the heat, the pounding, the pain in just the right way to mold you and shape you into who He wants you to be.

Only by being pounded, shaped, polished, refined will His beauty be reflected in us, out of us. Only then will His beauty shine out of us. Through the wounds the scars that run so deep, and mark our character for Him.

Lord, may your beauty shine through me. May my scars shine with Your radiance, so others don't see me, but You. May I prove to be trusting in You to the very end. Grow my trust in You, and deepen it even more, so that I may walk into a whole new level of relationship with you. Amen

Advent of Trust #13; First trust

When was the first time you trusted Jesus?

I mean REALLY trusted Him?

Our pastor shared a story with us this Sunday.

He went out hunting a few times this week, on a piece of property he isn't that familiar with. But he knew that when he walked out from where he parked his car, he would get to a point in the path where he had to do was start walking due east and he would land right at a huge pine tree, where his stand was.

He got up early, left his vehicle, made sure he had his compass in his pocket and his head lamp with him. He headed down the path and eventually got to the point where the path forked. He pulled out his compass, turned on the lamp and then realized he had a problem.

He didn't have his reading glasses with him.

He stood there for a long time, trying to decide which little letter on the dial was east and which was west. He tried to decipher the little illuminated markers around the dial... made his choice and started walking.

Pretty soon.... well you know what happened.

He came to a spot he had never seen before. There was this road cutting through the woods, probably an old fire trail. He walked up and down it for a few moments, his blood pressure rising. He could hear the sound of the highway, but couldn't quite tell where it was. It was cloudy so he couldn't get his bearings from the sun.

And there he stood. His frustration at himself rising,

He realized then, so this is what it feels like to be lost.

Then something happened.
An angel appeared.

Well, ok, not an angel per se, but another hunter in blaze orange walked out of the woods into the clearing. When our pastor explained what had happened, the other hunter pointed out that he had walked north east, not straight east. He pointed him back towards the southwest, and our pastor found his way home.

He knew where home was. He was lost, and needed someone to point him in the direction of home.

You see, he was raised in the church, so he never before really felt "lost" before, or the desperate need for a Savior, for someone to point him in the right direction, to show him the path.

He asked us to think back and remember, if we could, what it was like when we were lost. Did we realize our desperate state right away? Did it take a crisis to realize it?

I was walking along fine in the woods of high school, had a general idea of the path to go, into college, graduate with a music ed degree and then teach. As I reached the end of high school, graduated, and looked ahead to going into college, I still thought I could figure my way out.

I got into college and loved the courses I had, but was lost in the "woods" of people with no connection to anyone. I was completely alone, wasn't sure of my way anymore or if I was headed the right direction.

Then through some equally lost friends, inviting me to be part of a Christian musical, Jesus found me and pointed me in the right direction. I trusted Him to know the way better than I did. He led and I followed, knowing without being told much about Him right away, that He knew what He was talking about.

It didn't mean that the bumps were taken out of the path, or that the branches didn't grab at me or stumps and logs trip me up. But it did mean that I always have had a compass with which to take a good sighting and find the path again toward home.

As long as I trust my Compass, I will always go the right way.

So, what happened to make you realize you were lost in the woods? Are you still? Do you need to just trust that Person who has stepped out of the woods to show you the right direction to go?

May this be your first Advent of Trust, or may you renew your trust in a new, deeper way.

Advent of Trust #12; Conflict and Trust

Little problems don't go away if you ignore them.

They may go under the surface for a while, but they resurface at another time. Sometimes all the little problems start adding up, and so when one more little problem is added to the pile, it all blows up and seems to be about one little thing, when it might have been months of little things.

If we dealt with the little thing - the first little thing - in a healthy, God honoring way, it would save us and others a whole lot of heartache.

When I am in conflict with someone, you wouldn't be able to tell it. I typically have only nice things to say about them, it's all internal. I seek God's forgiveness if I have sinned in my thoughts/attitudes/heart and then let it go. Until something else happens.

I have had an occasion, when I was much younger, where I spoke up about something that I didn't think was right, got slammed, and was quiet the rest of the night. We continued on in the project, my ideas ignored, and my concerns pushed aside.

I never pushed the issue after first bringing it up. We went through our class presentation. When we were done, we were verbally critiqued. Many of the things brought up as our weaknesses as a group were things that I had thought of. Some of them were the things I had tried to bring up, others were ones that I had ignored cause I didn't want to get slammed again.

I never said a word to my teacher. I never said a word to the students I had worked with. It just "went away."

When an opportunity comes up now, after going through some training and reading a book called "Making Peace" by Jim Van Yperen, I know I am going to have to handle it much differently.

Let's put this another way. God is challenging me to handle conflict in a whole new way for me. A way of redemption and reconciliation.

That makes me afraid. Afraid that I will be pushed aside. Afraid that I will react/respond in a manner that will be less than edifying. Afraid to "confront" someone when I feel something is not going well, or when there have been miscommunications, or anything.

I don't want to confront anyone. I know the Bible says to go to that person you have a conflict with (whether they know it or not) and to go quickly and privately, individually to that person and make things right. Don't go to someone else first. Don't delay. Don't let lots of little things pile up. NO EXCUSES. Just go.

That the Bible tells us what to do in conflict is wonderful. However, it isn't easy.

It requires trust that God will make it right. Whether it immediately seems to come out right or not, God will work it all together for the good of all those involved.

One of the things I am most guilty of is listening to gossip. Someone's having a problem with someone else. I sympathize, they talk and get some relief from the tension they have been feeling, and no one gets helped. Jim Van Yperen calls this triangulation.

The other problem is, I tend to do the same. I don't want to talk to the other person, and risk "conflict" in our relationship (not realizing it's already there, unacknowledged)... so I go to someone else, someone I trust, and seek their advice.

Jim says in his book,
"Triangulation is an affront to the Cross because it robs a fellow believer of the opportunity for understanding, forgiveness, and reconciliation. If I go to a friend to talk about you instead of going to you, I have sinned against you in two ways. First I have kept you from knowing there is a problem and robbed you of the opportunity to ask forgiveness. Second, I have sinned against you by talking about you behind your back."

Only recently, after a leadership seminar at my church did I realize how wrong this was. I immediately put a cap on my conversations with others. I watched what I said, and asked God to show me when and where I was essentially slandering others behind their back. I never did it intentionally before. Never. I felt completely innocent of that. I honestly had been seeking advice in how to handle issues and situations.

But maybe the people I had talked to weren't mature enough to handle the information, my opinions correctly. I don't know. And they sure never referred me to talk to the original person I had a problem with. OK... not totally true. One person did, and that was my counselor. :) I guess that counts, and it may or may not have been slander, because she was counseling me through a situation..... that's another issue entirely! :)

The point is, there has been one person in my life right now I have been able to talk to. She has already read this book on "Making Peace" and already been applying the principles laid out in it, in her life.

As I have felt so insecure about dealing with conflict with others, I have asked her advice, and asked her if it was ok to talk to her with specifics, so that I could get help to talk to others, so I would have an idea of how to handle myself. She has been very consistent about pointing me to going to the other person and talking to them, rather than allowing me to vent to her, and not deal with the conflict.

It's a blessing, but it's scary.

Facing conflict head on, and dealing with it in a healthy, God-honoring way is a good thing. It's incredibly hard.

It's something that God has commanded us to do.
That means He expects us to do it. To obey.
That means it takes trust to step out and do as He has commanded.

Another step into the unknown. Yet He goes with us. He goes with me. It's another area of anxiety for me, but I want to do what is right.

Lord, help me to see Your face light up with joy as I attempt to take those first few wobbly steps closer to you. Just as my face lights up to see my babies take their first real steps towards my open arms. Just as my face lights up when they try new, scary things for them, at my urging... trusting me that I won't lead them into harm. Help me to trust that you won't lead me into harm, even if it does seem a really long way to the water below this diving board I am on. I just want to see the joy on Your face for me as I make the attempt. Help me to bask in the warmth of that glow, and having been filled to overflowing with Your love and joy, take the step off the edge in obedience to your commands. Amen.

Advent of Trust #11; Step by Step

One of the things that I find myself praying is that when people look at my life, they will see a life marked out as different.

I don't know that is the case now, but I want others to see that God is my source and my comfort and my strength. I want others to see that no matter what, I trust in Him.

I want others to see what I have gone through, and what God has done in me, and choose to trust Him.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.
Psalm 40:2-3

I want something different for my life than to just give a "head nod" to God for helping me out of something tough. I want to sing that new song He has put into my mouth. I want to sing that hymn of praise to my God.

Nothing would fill my heart with joy, more than to sing the songs I know He is giving me. To speak the words He would have me speak. To write the words I know He would have me write. I want to glorify Him.

He is the one who lifted me out of the mire.
He is the one who has pulled me out of my shaky circumstances, and set me on a rock.
He is the one who delivers from fear.

HE is the one to fear, and in whom to put our trust.

He is the one who even gave me a song to sing. I will sing it with all of my heart.

As part of the song "Step by Step," by Rich Mullins goes...

"Oh God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you!
Oh God, you are my God, and I will ever praise you!
I will seek you in the morning.
I will learn to walk in your ways.
And step by step you'll lead me,
and I will follow you all of my days."

That's what it is. Praising Him , seeking Him in the morning, learning from Him, and trusting Him to lead me step by step through everything.... then making the choice to trust Him enough to follow Him, even when it seems like a big, dark, deep valley we are heading into.

Advent of Trust #10; Faithfulness of God in Cindy's life

This may seem a cop out to some, to point you to another post.

However, this has so affected me that it was what prompted me to start writing my Advent posts this year.

More than anything I have been trying to focus my last few posts on things that I need, not trying to tailor the posts to "fit" in with advent. Just writing for me.

My sweet friend Cindy wrote this post. Her first after her surgery. I am so grateful to see her heart written out again. Some of this she already told me last weekend but it was a blessing to see it in her own words.

Please visit her, and continue to pray for her healing and for energy again.... big praise.... all the pathology came back benign!!! Praise God and thank you so much for praying for her!

Here is her post "Great is thy Faithfulness Oh, Lord!"

May God bless you,

Advent of trust #9; Accepted

Last night at our home group we were talking about how we view ourselves in Christ is really affected by the lies we believe. We talked about joy, and what that is and where it comes from.

If we keep believing the lies that we are unloved by God, rejected by Him, we aren't going to know what true joy is because we won't see or believe that we are the apple of God's eye, that His face lights up with delight when He looks at us.

In Christ, I am completely accepted. I have been adopted as God's child. Not just that I have been accepted through a technicality and He has to accept me.... He has chosen me to be His own. I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins. I am complete in Him... whole and holy. Christ's blood has covered everything. God sees me through that blood as completely white as snow.

I remember one of the things that I dealt with in counseling was a very intense self hatred, for a few specific incidences in my life. Ones that I felt I had participated in completely, and willingly at the time.

I hated myself for this, because though I was a Christian at the time, I still did something that was so reprehensible, I couldn't forgive myself. As Tricia (my counselor) and I worked through one specific instance that I found so horrendous, I was just shaking with self loathing. I was nearly sick to my stomach, because I could see it all again, experience it all again, in my mind's eye.

Then suddenly, I was still in that situation, but God gave me the image of me being covered by this waterfall, and I realized it was His blood. I stood under that waterfall of His blood, drenched from head to toe, worthy. Worthy because "Worthy is the Lamb who was slain" and it was His blood that covered me.

When we are able to break the lies (and we need to ask God to reveal them to us, and help us break them) with the Truth of who God says we are, then we can start living in freedom and joy. We need to cling to the truth in the face of those lies... with our heads, and then with our hearts.

As we do, we find ourselves living with a deeper sense of abiding joy. Even if we are overcome with grief, loneliness, hopeless despair, we have a route to return to joy from there. Our route is the truth that we have learned that counteracts the lies... no matter what we feel.

Finding God faithful to break the lies I have of not being accepted, or never being acceptable enough, finding the joy of living united with Him and one in spirit with Him (1 Cor. 6:17) has enabled me to trust Him.

I "lose" that trust from time to time. I revert back to believing the old lies from the past, the ones the enemy keeps bringing back up when there is a hole in my armor.

Yet, today I choose to look to the past to remind myself of the truth and the faithfulness that God has shown me. That I can trust. If He has been faithful in the past, He is faithful now, and He will be faithful in the future.

I renounce the lie that I am rejected, unloved, dirty or shameful because in Christ I am completely accepted.

I am complete in Christ. (Col. 2:10)

I will trust in Him at all times.


(some thoughts, and some direct quotes come from Neil T. Anderson, "The Steps to Freedom in Christ")

Advent of Trust #8; the world, the flesh and the devil

I find that I am writing these advent posts mostly for myself. It is hard for me to keep up, and even harder when I start focusing on "doing it for others." If I start looking at this blog as more than the something I started it with, it's going to get out of balance in my life.

So, with that in mind... Hopefully my tone will change a bit here as I write, more for me and God than a specific focus on others. I just hope that it will resonate with others, and that God will use it for what it is, how He wants, in others lives.

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I have definitely seen a theme for me of fearing and trusting. They are so the opposite of each other.

Over and over we hear God say in the Bible, "Do not be afraid, I am with you." He says it many different ways, but the same message.

I need to hear that every day. I walked into work today, totally relaxed and at peace. Went through a meeting and had total peace about it.

Now, my stomach is in knots again. I don't even know why for sure. I mean, I have a bunch of stuff I want to get done around the house again. I want to help out my friend Cindy again this weekend, but also need to prioritize my family.... and the knots get bigger. So why should that throw me into such a tizzy all the time? Why am I so prone to anxiety and tension?

Probably because I start leaning on my own understanding again. Trying to figure out stuff on my own... my own flesh taking over.

I also look to the world, and how "everyone else" seems to have their lives all together. I start letting the world dictate how I think I should be living my life, independent, "free" to do what I want and when, ease and prosperity.

Then the enemy gets in there too.

Listen to this quote from "Jesus Calling" a devotional by Sarah Young.

"Do not be surprised by the fiery attacks on your mind. When you struggle to find Me and live in My Peace, don't let discouragement set in. You are engaged in massive warfare, spiritually speaking. The evil one abhors your closeness to Me, and his demonic underlings are determined to destroy our intimacy. When you find yourself in the thick of battle, call up on My Name: 'Jesus, help me!' At that instant, that battle becomes Mine; your role is simply to trust Me as I fight for you."

That trust isn't always so simple.

When the world, the flesh and the devil pull me away from His Peace, I need to remember to call on His name, as simple as saying, "Jesus, help me!" He will help, His help is already on the way.

Advent of Trust #7; Blizzard

Tonight we are under a blizzard warning. My husband is up at work, at the hospital. He probably got off at about 11-11:30pm. Normally he would be home by midnight. In good conditions.

I have no idea what the conditions are like out on the highway (the way that he needs to take home). It's hard to tell from my front window how the streets are, but they are well snow covered, and there have been no signs of plows on our street.... because they are all concentrating on the main roads.

Hopefully the reason he is late is because he decided to try to take the surface streets (really long way home). Or, better yet, he is covering for someone at the hospital couldn't get in.

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Just called his work. As of right now he is driving home.

And now he is home.

Just another time where I have to try to hang onto the peace that Jesus gives. Rather than give way to that fear and worry.

Praise God, he is home. He is safe.
Jesus is good.

Advent of Trust #6; Fear and Trust

How in the world do I lose faith so easily and let fear consume me?

Part of my LPM Scripture memory verse this time is from Psalm 112.

"...his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear..."

When I know and believe that my heart is secure, I will have no fear. When I choose to put my trust in Him, I don't need to give way to that fear because He will take care of me... and I trust that promise.

What does it take to move from that place of fear? What does it take to move to that place of not only knowing the promises of God, but trusting that He will fulfill them?

I have seen Him fulfill promises to me before. He always has. He is faithful.

So why do I find myself facing a new day, a new hour, a new situation with fear? Fear of failure? Fear that He won't come through? What is it in my make up that makes it so hard? Why am I so fickle?

I want my heart to be steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
I long for that!

Maybe this fear, and this lack of trust is the symptom of a problem.
Maybe the problem is that I have had much less time alone with God lately.
Maybe the solution is to take the day that I have off tomorrow... one planned to be with a friend who now can't get together...

Take this suddenly open day, and instead of running errands and getting things done, spend it with God.

Some solitude. Some rest. Some peace.

Maybe then I will find myself more centered in on Him. More focused on Him, and refilled, restored and renewed to keep on doing the things that He has called me to.

Please pray that I would be able to take this time, really find somewhere for some real solitude, and concentrated time alone with God. Please pray that I would get filled up by God.. allow Him to fill me and strengthen me and draw me to a place of deeper dependence on Him, and deeper trust in Him.

Advent of Trust #5; trust and spiritual giftings...

This weekend would have been exhausting for many people.

Yet though I am tired right now, it isn't total exhaustion. I will sleep well, make no doubt! But I have learned that working out of your areas of gifting and love are energizing, not depleting.

I never really understood that before.
I never really knew what my giftings were before.

I used to ask God to show me what to do, what I should do with my life....

...and then tried things on my own, out of my own strength.

I should have waited more patiently, trusting Him.

I was so worried about my friend, Cindy, two weeks ago. I remember voicing to her that I just wanted to do something more than "just pray" for her.

She kept telling me that whatever happened it would be good. It would be worked for our good and God's glory, for her, for all of us.

I was afraid to trust that. To trust God for that.

Yet, He still gives us chance after chance to trust.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to put my desire to do more than "just pray" to work. I was hands on helping. It was so good to do something, anything physical to help.

But, as I was up with her in the wee hours of the morning, putting a cold wash cloth on her forehead, just rubbing her shoulder as she cried because of the pain of moving around and exhaustion....

......I prayed......

and it wasn't "just praying" anymore.
It was the true work I was doing.

All the physical help I gave was a good break for both her and her husband. But the prayer that I could give, and did give, during the night, silent and out loud was the real work.

In the middle of the night, when you choose helping someone over the preferred sleep... when you voice prayers and words of scripture and gestures of comfort when your flesh would normally desire to just leave....

That's when the real ministry happens.

I have experienced this some before, with my kids or when someone else I love is sick. But this was the first time where I was aware of the gifts that God has given me for mercy and compassion, and I was able to intentionally use them.

This time, I trusted Him to show me. I trusted him enough to wait on him (though it was kicking and screaming sometimes the last couple of weeks, as I waited... none too patiently) I look back on how I acted, and reacted to God, and the lack of trust and faith I showed....

I can only pray that I will remember how, yet again, God has come through and helped me, or helped someone I was praying for.

I can only thank God that He showed me that He gave me the gift of compassion, mercy, empathy and prayer. Now to trust Him to work through me in those areas, in HIS TIME, not my own.

I have seen what He can do when I am willing to follow His leading and how it turns out for good, not only for the person/people I am helping, but also for my own good. Now to trust Him enough to step out when He says to step out, and to wait when He says to wait.

Tomorrow is another step, another hurdle. Different than this one. But it is a chance to allow Him control and "do" it through me. I can't. But He can.

I will surrender myself to Him.
I will put all of my trust in Him.

There is no other way to walk through this life.
No other way that is bearable.

Have you found how to trust Him to work through you?
Especially work through your giftedness?
I would love to hear about it!

Advent of Trust #4; My Abba Father...

So I will catch up with my Advent posts to that I am actually doing a post on the right day and end up with 25. But today wasn't the day.

I spend the day with my dear friend who is recovering from surgery.

I fed her my homemade chicken noodle soup. And some ice cream.

We were able to talk (way more than I thought we would, I was sure I would get a lot of writing and reading done today....)

And we were able to laugh.

She still is in pain, and still has a long recovery road ahead of her. But this was the most she has moved around, talked and been awake since last week Sunday.

For that, I am SO grateful!
Thank you, Jesus.

My contribution to my Advent of Trust posts for today:
A poem that I wrote as part of a creative exercise in my bible study devotional today.

My Abba Father

You rescued me from despair;
You healed me when I was beyond repair.
You are my shield and my defender.
To you my soul I will surrender.

Your strong love restores, forever stands;
My heart is safe within your hands.
Faithful Redeemer, powerful and just;
In you I will put all of my trust.

Heather Kudla (12-05-09)

A decision, a choice of surrender and of trust.

Advent of Trust #3

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." Psalm 37:5

Today.
Everything I do.
Committed to God.

It is so hard to keep that in mind as I go through out the day.

There are so many things to do, things I want to do. Just the general stuff of living, on one of my few days off, can get to be a pile too high, a list too long.

Yet the Psalm says to trust in Him and he will help me.
I have trusted in Him, and He has helped me in the past.
He will now and in the future too.

He is my strength and my joy. In Him I can trust.

My writing feels unfocused today. That's probably because my mind is as well.

I don't know yet what I am going to be doing this weekend. It could be anything from staying home with my family, to spending the whole weekend with Cindy being there for her if her husband has to leave town.

So, I have to trust God work out the details.

I want this time of preparation for Christmas to be about God, not about me, or what I am going to be doing. I don't want to get so caught up in "jobs" I need to do, or presents to buy, or concerns for my friends that I lose the point of this whole time.

Preparing my heart for Christ, to trust Him more fully, to love Him more deeply, to remember how He came into this world...

I have to trust everything else to God.
Commit all my ways to Him.
When I trust in Him, He helps me.

Thank you Jesus for helping me when I don't even remember to seek you for help. Thank you for reminding me to commit myself to you, to commit all my ways to you. You help me. You love me. You have my best in mind. So, I will trust in you. You have good plans for me.

Do your will in me Lord. I choose to trust you. You have been and You are my very present help in time of need. Amen.

Advent of Trust #2.... Leaning not on my own understanding

Another day, another day to trust.

After a long day at work, and a couple of meetings, phone calls and the like, I had more than enough opportunities to trust God.

"Trust in the Lord will all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

I have some opportunities to trust someone to take the lead in something. I have some opportunities to trust God to organize our women's retreat. I have some opportunities to trust God to heal a dear friend.

When I trust Him, I have to let go. Let go of the reins. Let go of control. Let go of the worry and anxiety.

God is in control.

Why can't I get that through my head?

To finally surrender and trust Him in all areas is extremely hard for me. I am plagued with worry and anxiety much of the time.

I fear that I won't measure up, either in others eyes, or in Gods (that's a whole other issue, because in myself I don't measure up, but in Christ I do....) But you get what I mean.

This has just been a long week, and my heart hurts for a friend. I know she is in pain, she is on a slow recovery process from surgery. I just keep praying for her and thinking about her all the time.

She is not only my dear friend, she is my sister in so many ways. She also is like a mentor to me. I go to her for advice so many times. There are so many things right now that I could use her advice on.

But because we haven't even been able to talk, and I know that she isn't up to talking... I have to rely on someone else.

I suppose the last couple of days, I have been leaning on my own understanding.

There is no one to talk to who can help "fix" what I perceive as my problems.

I have to trust in the Lord.
With. All. My. Heart.

As I have expressed, this is very hard for me. Maybe God is allowing me to the place of exhaustion to show me how much I have been trying to do on my own.

I have been doing fine in taking on the things I have... but if this exhaustion I am feeling today it God's way of showing me that some of these things aren't for me, then I suppose I have to trust him. My problem is trying to figure out if my reservations in certain areas is because it isn't a right decision, or if it is my own desire to "control" things.

I don't know.

So... its trusting in the Lord with all of my heart... and not leaning on my own reasoning of the situation. That's my job for today, I guess. All my understanding is worth nothing in the sight of God who can see everything and work everything together for good.

How are you going to trust Him today? Is there a specific area?


PS I will be posting a bit later today, as well, to "catch up" so that I am up to date and can keep up with all my posts for this month! :)

Advent of Trust #1; The beginning...

Last year I did a series of posts during Advent, to help me focus on Christ. It was a bit of pressure trying to write, and get everything up in time, but at the same time, it kept me focused through the days on God.

At the time I was really struggling with depression, despair, and fear. So I focused on Joy... titled the series, Advent of Joy.

This year I wasn't planning on doing any series of posts, only because with work, I didn't think I could keep it up.

I don't know if I will be able to keep up with every day... but I am not going to let that stop me from trying to write something... or to pick back up with it where I left off.

What I have been struggling with that brought me to the point of needing to write about it?
Trusting God.

I do trust Him. To a degree. To a certain level. But this path I am on has shown me that I am not trusting all the way. God has been showing me some lies that are very present, that I need to allow Him to break. They have a stranglehold on me at times. I find it difficult to let things go into God's hands.... for fear I will never have them back again.

Maybe I shouldn't have some of these things back again.... some things I might just need to give up doing or having, etc. Some things, I need to give up, to allow God to restore them rightly, or restore balance... giving up control of them... in a way I keep them, but better, safer hands than mine are holding them.

Anyway.... trust.

Advent is a path to prepare our hearts to receive our King... to repent, to meditate on Christ, to prepare the way of the Lord in our hearts, our lives, our families, our churches....

We are supposed to do this every day, in every way, but Advent is a time of more concentrated effort, a returning to what we should have been doing all year.

This advent is going to be a path for me to repent of the mistrust I have had. A time for me to see the barriers I have put up out of fear. A path for me to follow into deeper levels of trust and security in Christ.

I trust Him. I am totally secure in Him. But I need to move to deeper levels of understanding that (in my heart) and to further abandon in my relationship with Him.

I came to that conclusion last night, but didn't get it into words before now.

For me this will be an "Advent of Trust."

A path to walk, a meditation on my own heart/trust issues with God, a repentence of those areas I see God pointing out, a preparation and cleaning out of my heart's rooms to allow God fuller access to all of me.

It's just the advent of deeper trust... just the beginning of a new level for me.
There have been many beginnings these past years. New levels of freedom, joy, security, peace, living in Truth, trusting, loving.... One layer or two of the onion in these different areas have been peeled back... to reveal another layer (or many) yet to be dealt with. Same issues, but at a deeper level than before.

...the foundation laid...
...now the deeper healing...

And on it goes all our lives.

This is my Advent.... Trust.

What is yours?

some silence isn't golden...

A friend wrote an email to me yesterday.

His title of the email....

"Silence is golden, but..."

Yes, I have been pretty silent over here.

It's not just the season, and how busy it gets. It's not working.
Though, those things do contribute.

Emotionally I have been on a roller coaster the past week. Wrestling with God. Wrestling with myself. And, really spending a lot of that time trying to hide and stuff those emotions any way I could.

I know, not healthy. But its where I am at.

In the process of this day alone, God has shown me how off I have been, and started to reveal some other things to me that I really need to deal with... a lie or two laying there that have been hiding away. Things I thought were dealt with, but explain my reactions and behavior this week.

All that to say....

....depending on how tired I am tonight, I might not get to post about it till later on this weekend. But I wanted you to know that I am here. I am ok. Not great but ok.

Choosing to trust in the Lord, even when He doesn't make sense, and I don't get what He's doing or how in the world He can or will redeem things.

Fear has been pounding me pretty bad all week, and today is the first chance to take a deep breath without it constricting me.

Choosing to trust when fear is screaming in your face is extremely difficult. But I am trying. Today I keep refocusing myself.

One day at a time. One breath at a time.

I am grateful for my friend inquiring after me. It made me realize that if I cut myself off from others (yes, here on my blog as well as "in real life" people that I know and love) I am going to "go down under" so to speak. I can't live in isolation... and that was what the enemy has been trying to do... get me to isolate myself. From everyone.

Pray for me. And please pray for a dear sister, who is facing surgery and some serious health issues this coming week.

Silence is golden...

The healing of silence.

Sitting at the table in the sun, warm cup of coffee in hand, bible spread before me.

Struggling to quiet my heart so I can hear.

I started learning this art of silence, by having someone else model it in my presence... together we sought to just sit still and start our time together in silence, prayerfully seeking God's presence, Spirit, guidance, words to us.

The more we did it together, the more I tried it alone.
The more I tried it alone, the better I did at stilling myself.

How else to help others come to that point of silence? That point of listening to God?

Do what was modeled to me.
Model it for them.

Listening quietly.
Reflecting before speaking.

Seeking God's presence, starting our time together in prayer, and sitting still before Him, before we talk or do anything else.

That silence is so healing.

When I was in counseling, my counselor also modeled this for me. She sat and listened to me. She waited, as I shared. Then she waited as I sat quiet. She used a therapy that ended up encouraging me to listen to God and take that time to really focus on Him, hear what He had to say, and process it in relation to the struggles I was having at the time.

That's where I first started to gain healing in the inmost parts of my being.

Only now, as I look back do I see how powerful silence before God was.

"Silence is golden" we have heard so many times in reference to children. That is true, as a mother of two youngsters, sometimes that silence from the constant chatter and yelling is truly golden.

However, I would like to suggest a new twist. Silence is golden.... filled with the presence of the glory of God... His royal, sovereign majesty reaching down to flood our souls with the golden light of His presence within us... and we can only really see the depth of His presence in our hearts and lives through being silent before him.

Silence, in the presence of our God is truly a golden, healing balm.

Conflict, redemption and reconciliation....

I'm a very passive person.

I hate conflict.

To me, conflict means pain, and pain or hurt isn't good.

Or is it?

*When we are exercising, it's painful, but has a great payoff.
*When we burn our hand on a fire, it's painful, but the resulting lesson, to keep our hands out of the fire, it very good.
*When we find ourselves growing the most in our faith, our walk with God, it usually is after, or even during a painful, hard time.

• 
  

But hasn't our culture taught us that pain is bad? If it feels good do it. If it hurts, stay away. Numb out the pain, medicate the hurt... ignore it and it will go away... but will it really?

Haven't we brought that cultural perspective right into our churches?

The church, the body of Christ, is supposed to model Christ's life to the world. Jesus sure didn't run away from pain and conflict.

He cleansed the temple using a whip to drive out the money changers... if that wasn't conflict....
Instead of walking away from pain, Jesus walked right onto the path of reconciliation opened to Him by His father. All the way to the bitter, painful ending on the cross.

That pain was good.... Horrible for Jesus, but ended up for good in that it made it possible for Him to have intimate relationships with His creation. Good for us that His pain opened up a pathway to redemption that we were invited to.

So, how in the world to we model the redemption and reconciliation we ourselves have discovered?

Do we do it by avoiding and running away from conflict? Letting our churches get torn apart over sexual immorality, abuse, worship styles, refusing to hold one another accountable...

In reality, do we avoid conflict because we don't care enough about our brother or sister to actually cross the lines of culture, go against the grain, and outside of our comfort zones?

It was Jesus' love for us that caused him to walk into conflict, into pain, away from His glory to become one of us. It was His love for us that propelled Him to become one of us and experience the conflict that we have. It was His love for us that then that gave Him the courage and passion to reach out to us through His death to resolve the ultimate conflict between us and God.

So, watching people we love walk away from church because "it isn't our problem" is loving them how, exactly???

Watching people we claim to love fight and argue, fall into sin, etc, isn't love at all. It's self preservation. It's protecting ourselves. It's keeping our own love and security. It has nothing to do with the real love that Jesus displayed.

Real love for one another is love that knows no boundaries.

No holds barred.

No fear.

No selfishness.

No room for anything but compassion and care for our brothers and sisters, and the desire to see them live in peace and community and fellowship.

Real love for one another is the love that moves us beyond the culturally accepted norms, and into really living "in" the lives of one another.

I may be passive.

I may hate conflict.

But.

I hate the thought of not really loving my brothers and sisters in Christ even more.

Today, I choose to go OUT. Love my "one anothers" better. Live in their lives.
Today, I choose to move IN when I see a conflict, not shut down or run away.
Today, I choose to really LOVE, working through conflict to show true redemption and reconciliation.

My friend, my heart

I'm just going to put it out there.

I'm having a hard week.

Work has been good, and I love the job.
I put in a ton of hours earlier this week, and drained myself.
It was my own fault for not putting up boundaries.

It took me nearly all day Wednesday to recover.

Yesterday I talked to my friend Cindy on the phone. I snuggled up under the covers on my bed while we talked. When we were done, I hung up and immediately started sobbing into the pillows.

All I wanted to do was get to her somehow and give her a big hug.

She is so overwhelmed by all that is going on in her life, that "Miss Empathy" herself, the dear woman who cries at almost anything, can't cry.

I think it is a flip of the switch that her brain did to enable her, with all the traumas in her life, to keep functioning. She is hurting terribly, but can't cry, can't break down, or let it go.

I get to see her, for a bit this morning for the first time in almost 4 weeks. I have missed her so much. She was gone, dealing with her father's death, and then caring for her mother, as she suddenly got worse and was hospitalized.

Now on top of all of that, she is preparing for surgery herself.

My heart is breaking for her. She is so glazed over, as she said to me just recently.

She is here right now on the phone, with another doctor, who is asking her questions to prep her for surgery.

I just promised her that she wouldn't be alone in the hospital if her husband couldn't be with her all the time. I want to do as much for her as I can, as God wants me to, even if it isn't me staying with her, but me arranging to have others stay with her.

Another friend went through surgery, cancer, and chemo last year, and I had peace pretty much through the whole thing, though it was traumatic. I was able to help and bring food, and do as much as possible to help her and her husband.

I never expected to have this type of response to all the things Cindy is going through, from her dad dying, to her mom almost gone now, to her having surgery... She just has been hit with so much. So my empathy is kicking into overdrive, as she "can't" feel right now, I have been for her.

That probably prompted my storm of tears yesterday.
It's probably why I am so close to tears today.

Please pray for me as I try to do all that God is asking me to, in my life, and all the things that I want to do, as God gives me permission, for Cindy. I know it is normal to hurt and grieve for someone, especially someone with whom I am so close. But I also want to be strong for her, and not make her think that she can't tell me things because I can't "handle" it.

Please pray for Cindy, that a some point (preferably before the surgery) she will be able to let go of some of the emotions building up.

God has been showing His perfect timing in everything, allowing her to reschedule an appointment with a doctor who really is scheduled out so far, it was nearly impossible for her to get her first appointment with him... and she was able to get her surgery scheduled soon. If her mom does die now, please pray that the timing will work out for the best for Cindy.

Pray that the people around Bob and Cindy will be able to help and come around them, supporting them during this time. They have no immediate family in this area, but have a whole church who loves them dearly. Please pray that they would accept the help that is offered to them, and not try to tough it out alone.

Pray for God's peace over all, in all, and through all.

She had to run to another appointment here in town, so Marina and I are going to run to meet her somewhere for lunch, after her appointment.

I am praying for a sweet time of fellowship... because I think we both need it.

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for a forum where I can be honest about where I am at, my emotions, and the things going on in my life right now... the aches, and joys too, in my heart.

Hopefully be able to write more soon,
Love in Him

God's warmth and light....

The night falls so swiftly now.

Here I sit, in my office at the church, after hours, waiting for the time to come to pick up my kids. I will be going only half way home from work tonight, due to the kindness of a friend. They get a play date and dinner, and my car gets a break!

I got up this morning early, got Peter off to school, and took a few stolen moments at the coffee shop before work.

I had some time there yesterday morning, warmed by the coffee cup in my hands and the brief sunlight streaming across me, across the deep red table in front of me.

How God met me in that warmth!

He warmed my heart. Through the bible study I did. Through the words he spoke to me. Through the sweet time of fellowship with him. Through the conversation we had.

As I left the coffee shop, slipped into my car, and headed for work, here at the church, praise started bubbling up inside of me.

I couldn't stop it.
Didn't want to!

My soul overflowed from the time we had shared together. I worshiped and prayed like I haven't in a while... I mean I have prayed. I have worshiped. But this was different. This felt different somehow.

Maybe it was the place I was at.
The place He had moved me to.

Whatever the reason, I cried all the way to church, mopping my eyes with tissues as I drove. And prayed. And praised Him.

I prayed for my church. My pastors. My work for the day. My close friends. My associate pastor who is giving the message this week. My family. My husband. My kids.

I prayed that God would enable me to do the work that I had been overwhelmed with the day before. The work that I was sure I couldn't do. Yet God has placed me here, and I have to do it..... I was scared. Yet God just washed that away.

He filled me with the knowledge that He had set me here in this church, in this position for such a time as this. He knows if my primary job will be as the church administrator, or if there are other, more important reasons I am here.

Only time will tell.
Only God will tell.

And then again....
Maybe He won't.

All I know is this job is so life giving to me right now.... even in the stretching, in areas that are new to me.

It is much more than I ever thought it would be. To be in a position where things are expected of me, and I have obligations to fill, yet no pressure is placed. No censure for taking time out for yourself, or other needs in the middle of the day as needed. Its a redemptive, loving family I have been placed in here.

A family within a family.

Bethany (our church) has been a family since we walked in these doors.
Our small group became a small family within the big one.
The worship teams I have been a part of have been a specialized family within the big one.
Now the staff here (two pastors, the secretary and myself) have become another small family within the big one.

The more I look at it, at my days, and at my willingness to stay here at the computer (even though it is now personal time) well after my workday's end... the more I realize how far too many people never experience this grace and love in the workplace.

It makes me want to come in every day (even when I am only part time). The Christ-likeness here makes me want to work longer hours, harder and beyond my capacity.

God is good, and so mighty in His ways.
He brings life from death.
He renews His creation.

He brings light from the darkness.

Though the darkness fell rapidly tonight, especially with the clouds, it feels anything but dark here.

I still have the memory of that coffee cup in my hands, the sunlight, and the warmth in my heart as I conversed with my God, my Savior.

He truly is the Light for my path.
Even and always in the swift nightfall.