At peace

I'm more at peace now than I ever thought I could be today.  I'm still fighting some jaw pain, though it is much better than it was a couple of days ago.  I am also fighting off a cold.  I crashed cause I was having trouble sleeping earlier this week, and myl body didn't have enough rest to fight off whatever this "thing" is.

I had a counseling appointment yesterday.  I was able to share with Tricia how I finally have closure on a relationship.  How God moved in me through the past couple of weeks to get me to the point of letting go.  I also told her how He kept hitting me over the head with the need to obey Him and trust Him. 

Obedience and trust.  It's like the chicken and the egg question.  Which comes first?  Do you obey God, and do the things He asks you to, and then based on how He brings you through, that builds your trust?  Or is it rather that you trust God, from experiencing His faithfulness in the past, and therefore step out in obedience to what He says?

I have a feeling it's more a mixture of the two, rather than one or the other.

After stepping out in obedience to some things God specifically asked me to do, I know and feel deeper down that I can trust Him and that He has my best at heart.

The problem that I encountered with Tricia yesterday, which I sort of knew was there, but not as big as it was, was getting some of that truth from my mind to my emotions.  From my head knowledge, to a really deep know and believe heart knowledge.

The one relationship I was working through has been laid to rest I believe.  But there is some "residue" left over from that one, that tied directly into another former relationship.  A relationship in which I trusted the person, but was greatly hurt, and out of that hurt and desperation to "keep" the relationship, did some things I am not very proud of.  (and that's an understatement)

Over all it could be argued that I was a young Christian, and though I knew what I was doing, I didn't know any better.  That the other person involved was a Christian longer (not a more mature Christian - I won't give them that) and should have known better than to manipulate me, use me the way they did.

But I did know that those things I was doing were very wrong and they made me sick to my stomach, and still do if I think about them.

For a long time I have buried my guilt and shame and anger at myself.  I was at the point of burying the relationship enough, figuring to have put it to rest well enough with my last sessions with Tricia, that I would never have to revisit it again.

It is interesting how God used one thing (Henry's death) to bring me into counseling, and now that I am there, He has brought up things I have needed help with, or healing from.  It shows me another way He is intimately involved in my life and in my heart.  It shows me His desire to heal me and bring me to a new level in my relationship with Him and with others.

Well, as I talked with Tricia, yesterday, she brought out my care plan, and discussed my progress with me.  It showed that I have made forward progress, which is good, and which in reality I knew.  I have been in such a better place, even when I have been deeply depressed, that things have progressed much more quickly for me this time.  As Tricia said one time, this time has been just a "tune up" for me.

In the care plan, she rated my depression as having moved from moderate to mild (I agree there for the most part, though I am still going to have swings up and down).  She also rated my poor sense of self worth at a mild.  When she said that one, I just looked at her, and she glanced up from reading and questioned my look.  That's what brought up this relationship, and the things I had done.

After we talked a bit about the relationship, Tricia asked if I had a mental picture in my head.  I did.  She asked then if I wanted to do EMDR around the situation.  I said we could, but I wasn't sure even how to go about this, because I felt stupid for even still having trouble with this, with accepting Christ's forgiveness in this specific area, and for forgiving myself.

Tricia said that we could just walk through the negative cognitions (the lies) and positive cognitions that I want to replace them with (the truth) and talk through the process a bit, and if we had time, start the actual EMDR therapy.  We did all that, and did have time to start the therapy.

When we started, I could see in my mind's eye the mental picture, and she had me think about the negatives and see where it took us.  It was hard for me to settle into, because it's been so long.  I was having a hard time concentrating, especially at first.  It was like I couldn't "pin it down."  But I had such a strong sense of disgust that when she stopped the little machine, I said that I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.

She asked me if I wanted to go back there again.  I said, "no but yes, I will."  She turned back on the machine and again it was hard to concentrate, but near the end of that chunk of time, I was not only feeling like I was going to be sick, but emotionally I hurt, I was scared, and I was starting to be able to pin down the image in my head, rather than having it flit all over, and I was able to think about how it made me feel, and the lies it fed.  

I remember hearing Tricia say softly that I was still in her office, still safe, but to let the emotions come.  Oh, that was hard.  I couldn't, not all the way.  I might have cried a little bit, but more than anything I was feeling pure revulsion when she asked me to take a deep breath.  I could barely manage the breath.  She asked me to do it again and then turned off the machine.  I sat up and as I looked around her office, reorienting myself, I realized I was shaking - inside and out.

Tricia asked what I had experience there.  Part of it was that revulsion and loathing, but that it hurt and that I was coming up against this wall, this black wall and it scared me.  She said she wanted to keep on going, but she had another appointment following me and couldn't give me more time then.  She said too that she didn't want to leave me in an "unsafe" place or emotional state.  So, she asked me to think about the place where I feel safe.  My "safe place" right now is somewhere I run when I need to get out of my office, when I need a quiet place to spend with God, when I need comfort.  It's the sanctuary at church.  Right up near the front, by the piano usually.  Sometimes, right on the floor in front of the first row of chairs, looking up at the cross on the wall.

So, I went there, in my mind, starting to feel the peace again of that place, and it started to outweigh the other emotions that had been stirred up.  She stopped the machine again, and then had me go back there one more time, this time thinking about one of my more favorite songs at the moment.  I was able to relax into that, and when we were done, felt much better than I had at the first.  I felt more able to handle the rest of the day.

We prayed together and I left, heading to town to get the kids from school.  After spending time with them, they left for the farm, and I was able to have some alone time.  I sat and contemplated how I was doing.  I realized that truly, despite the hard stuff I had come up against that afternoon, I was doing really pretty good.  I had peace.  I still do.

I know I am going to have to face up to this relationship in two weeks.  But two years ago, if we had had to leave something hanging that long, I would have been in a panic.  God is so good in giving me the peace I need.

I have a couple of assignments from Tricia.  One is to find passages of scripture that talk about how God sees me, through Christ's blood.  I also need to see if I can find scriptures that talk about my needing to focus on Christ.  (Like in Hebrews where it talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith).  She challenged me as well to watch the movie "The Passion."  I have never seen it.  She said that when she walked out of the movie, after having watched it, she just said that she knew then and there how much God loved her.

I spent time in God's Word last night, and time journaling and praying. 

I woke up this morning having had a good night's sleep, and still feeling like I am close in His arms and His peace.  It is a wonderful feeling.  One I haven't had in a long time, at least not consistently.

I'm so thankful!  Yes, there is hard stuff coming.  There are going to be more hard "letting go" opportunities.  God is bigger than all those things.  God loves me through all of them.  He isn't surprised by anything.  He still sees me through Christ's blood and sees me as whiter than snow.  That won't change. 

Oh God, help me keep my gaze fixed on You.  You are my comfort and strength and shield and protector.  Thank you for this incredible mercy of Your peace and feeling of being sheltered and protected, held and comforted right now.  May I continue to rest in you in these coming days.

Building parallels

Well, my jaw isn't broken, just got jammed and the soft tissues inflamed, so I am having to take it easy on what I eat, soft food, ibuprofen, ice or heat as needed to take away pain or sooth sore spots.  I saw the dentist today, and I will be going back in 4 weeks for a general check-up and cleaning.

The hard part is I find myself trying to keep from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth.  Which causes the muscles to be even more sore than they need to be.

My left hand, that I landed on is still sore though.  It may stop my trying to write as much as I want tonight.  I landed on it, trying to catch myself on Friday, though my chin took the brunt of my fall.  I jammed something, somewhere, though it's not broken, but it's going to be a while for it to heal enough that small things like typing don't hurt anymore.  It's the top of my pinky and ring finger that hurt, and sometimes my middle finger too.  Depends on what I am doing.  Sometimes it surprises me because I am carrying something and my hand suddenly hurts and I almost drop what I'm carrying.  Though that is usually when I am carrying something far too heavy for that hand to handle.

It's interesting that in the middle of this, I can see how God is working and building parallels in my emotional/spiritual life.

A while ago, I took a spiritual/emotional tumble.  I got torn open pretty badly.  People have helped me get to where I need to go, between pointing me to God, praying me through it all, and making sure I have seen my counselor.  Tricia has been giving me assignments that have drawn me further into the pain.  These things, going into the painful areas has been so hard.

I really have been thrown into a tailspin.  It has hurt so much to have to write some of the things she has asked me to.  Once they have been written, I have been able to put them out of my mind for a while, until I go back to an appointment with Tricia, and have to read those writings to her.

I read one two weeks ago to her.  At the end of it, Tricia shared some things that I probably needed to do to help me cut the emotional ties I have in this particular instance.  Getting rid of some things, purging them, letting them go.  Part of that was done in the writing.  But some of that had to be done in the physical letting go of things too.

For these two weeks since, I got sick and was laid low last weekend, and then this past weekend I had my fall and was laid pretty low as well.  My weekdays were full with work, kids and home stuff.  Good stuff, but finally, over this past weekend, I started coming to terms with the idea that I wasn't obeying God.

God used Tricia and a few other key people in my life to encourage me to do the right thing.  To do the things that God wanted me to do to be able to walk in more freedom.  He was speaking very clearly to me, and I knew it was Him, through His word, through sermons, through the Breaking Free bible study, through my friends.

I just was choosing, for the past two weeks to wallow in my self hate, bitterness, unforgiveness, unwillingness to accept God's grace and forgiveness to me.  I've been fighting with letting go.  What's going to happen if I let these things go, the physical things, but more than that, the attachments, the emotional ties I have found buried deep.

As I have struggled, I have heard God telling me the same thing over and over, "Submit to Me, surrender it to Me, I can carry it.  My yoke is easy, kind, and much lighter than the one you are trying to drag around." 

One of the things that I got out of this week's sermon... again, something that God has been pounding into my head.

If you feel that you aren't hearing from God, see if there is any spot that you aren't obeying Him on.  Do that thing, and then listen again.  He doesn't withdraw Himself from you, but your lack of obedience will make it really hard for you to stay close to Him.  That makes it hard to hear from Him, because you're not doing what He's asked you to in the first place.  You've placed a barrier up between yourselves.

Ok, so it wasn't said verbatim that way, but that's what I got out of it.

After being shaken up this weekend, I spent some time praying on Saturday night, journaling before my meds took me out for the count.  I made a mental note to see if I could get together and actually talk face to face with my friend Cindy D.  We've been emailing back and forth, this past week, encouragement to one another, but not been able to really see each other and talk face to face.

Sunday, I had to play piano for church.  My hand was sore, as was my jaw, but I managed it.  I ended up having to use dish soap to take off my wedding ring, because my left hand and those two fingers started swelling after I got done doing all the playing for the worship team.

I chatted with Cindy D. a bit and asked her if she was doing anything after church.  She laughed at me and asked me if I wanted to get together, if I was asking her if she wanted to talk with me for a bit....  I told her that was what I was asking in a round about way.  We had a good laugh about it, and then decided to meet at a near by park in a bit, that way we were able to enjoy the weather and still talk.

We got together and talked for a while. Longer than I had anticipated.  During that time, I could tell that God's hands were all over that conversation.  From her perspective and life experiences, she was able to listen to me and hear my heart, and then ask guiding questions and pointed questions.  Some of these questions, under normal circumstances I would have never answered... even if Tricia had posed them.  I probably would have gotten so angry and shut down.  They were that hard.

But God had opened up my heart.  He opened up that old wound so much in the last couple of weeks, and there Cindy D was asking the pointed questions to help me clean that huge gaping wound with the Truth.  The truth of what I really believed, what I really needed, what I was really clinging to, and what I was really avoiding doing.

I needed closure.  After my three hour conversation with Cindy D. I was able to go home, talk to my hubby a bit, and do what I needed to do.  I threw out a bunch of stuff.  I feel lighter now.  I felt lighter yesterday.  Last night, I did some more cleaning out.  Getting rid of things.  It made me aware that there is more to do in different areas as well.  But, one area at a time.  There is a lot of garbage that has collected in areas I thought I had already cleaned out and closed the chapters on.  Maybe I have only done surface cleaning there, and now need to do more deep cleaning - or let God do the deep cleaning.

Getting rid of these things was like the wound finally getting fully cleaned out.  Ready for healing.  The rough edges trimmed off, the dirt scrubbed out.

Letting go of the emotional attachments, it's still taking me a bit to learn to leave them alone.  They will die out.  But it is like a dying out of a part of me.  I have to stop treating myself like crud because I believe I am crud.  I have to start seeing myself as God sees me.  I have to start saying it, out loud, whether I believe it or not fully yet.

God is stitching me up.  But that means I have to be flat on my back, letting Him do the work.  I can't fight Him, I can't move around, I can't get up, because I won't heal if I do.  If I don't let Him do His work, I won't be able to move on.

Now is the time that I need to just fall into His arms of love.  I need to feel His love, my Father's love holding me, comforting me, healing me.  I need to be wrapped in a comforter, on His lap, leaning against His chest, listening to His heart beat.   I need to listen to that heartbeat of His because it calms me down.  When I calm down, I can rest, I can heal and then I am ready to get up when it's time to go on and to the next right thing.

So, I am off to rest some more.  Let my physical body rest and heal, and let my heart and soul and spirit rest too.  It's easier sometimes to get my physical body to calm down and settle in, but a lot harder to get my mind to settle, and my heart to stop taking flight, and my soul and spirit to relax enough to really hear God's heartbeat for me.

Thank You Jesus that you helped me write this, because when I started this post, I had no idea where it was going.  Thank You for showing me the parallels You have drawn in my life to teach me.  You Jesus, are so wonderful to me.  You have blessed me with incredible friends and counselors, with a great pastor and church, with a family that loves me and cares for me and helps me.  I am blessed immeasurably, more than I could have ever asked or imagined!  Way back when I first became a believer, I could have never dreamed that I would be where I am today, or that I could have survived all the things I have.  You have saved me.  Oh my God, you have saved me!  You have bought me back, redeemed me, paid for my debts when I couldn't, and I am now yours.  You have called me by my name, and I am Yours.  Thank you!  Help me continue to cling to You and to look back, when I doubt, or when I need to remember to dance for joy, to read these old blog posts as reminders of what You have done, and what You have promised to do. 

Quick Update

This is one blog post that I will NOT take a picture to illustrate!

I can now no longer say that I have never had stitches in my life.  Yup.  I had a bit of an accident today.

Marina and I were going to pick up Peter from school (early release) and were running together along the sidewalk.  Just as we came up over the curb onto the sidewalk leading down to the school, my foot either caught something or slid.  Not sure which.

I was holding Marina by one hand and as I tripped (or whatever) I went down.  Hard.  I was able to throw out one hand to catch myself, but the other was still holding onto Marina.  She was off balance and so came down with me.

She got just a scratch, thankfully.  I however landed on my left hand some, but by the time I could do anything to catch myself, I was too far gone.  I landed, almost my full weight on my chin.  I had no idea how much I was hurt till I looked around (still on my stomach) and saw my glasses on the ground about 2 feet away or so.  I got up quickly and was checking with Marina to make sure she was ok. 

As I was leaning over, blood started dripping on the sidewalk.  From my chin.  I found a wad of tissues and pressed on my chin to stop the bleeding, collected Peter and got to the car.  I drove to our friend's house close by, and she made sure Marina was ok.

Then she took me into the bathroom.  As soon as I saw my chin, I almost passed out.

Long story short, great-grandma came and picked up the kids from Sandy's house.  Sandy took me to the ER.  By the end, I had over a dozen stitches in my chin, and prescriptions for pain meds.  Sandy drove me back to my car, and I drove home from her house, ate a bit, and then took my meds and have been resting ever since.

Please pray for me that I will be able to sleep tonight, and that I will be able to play the piano for worship team this weekend.  My hand still really hurts (as does my chin).

And now, I really need to lay down... cause I am feeling light headed again.

Forced Rest

Today has been made up primarily of sleep for me.  I wish I could have been out in the beautiful weather with the kids at the farm.  Or at least cutting back my dead flowers and cleaning up the yard, because before too long the snow is gonna sneak up on us and stuff in my yard has to be protected, put away and prepared.

However, it was not a day of work for me for sure!

I got up this morning at about 8:30 or so with the kids.  I have been sick and as soon as I stood up, I knew it was going to be a "day."  I was dizzy and lightheaded, and my head hurt.  I took some tylenol and decongestant, and then set about getting the kids settled in.  Once they had their chocolate milk (carnation instant breakfast - their "drink of choice" in the mornings) in hand, I settled down with them on the couch and watched a bit of cartoons with them.  Pretty soon they were up and moving.  They wanted to play at their desks. 

Yes, we somehow squeezed 2 desks into this living room.  We had a small one Peter was using for a while.  But we were looking for a bigger one for him, one that would accommodate a computer monitor, keyboard and mouse.   When I was visiting Cindy, and mentioned that we wanted to get Peter a new desk, she jumped up and showed me a desk that she just removed from her house.  I jumped on it.  It was the perfect size.  Peter can set aside the keyboard and mouse when he wants to use the desktop and has plenty of room there.  He's thrilled.  So is Marina, because Peter's move up means that she gets his old desk.  Perfect timing.

Anyway, as they played, I curled up on the couch under both of the kids blankets and rested.  Finally, Dave got up after sleeping in, the kids got dressed, and they all headed to the farm.  I grabbed a microwavable rice sock (gotta try those if you haven't... they are heaven and you can even make your own!!) heated it up and headed to bed.  I rested there for a bit, trying to write but that really didn't work well as I was too tired and spacey.  I finally rolled over and fell asleep for a couple of hours.

I got up and read, did a load of laundry, got a load put away, but really didn't do much for my day.  Took a hot shower and changed into fresh pj's.  That's about all.

I realize that I haven't had a day like this in a really long time.  I can't remember the last time I didn't really have to do anything.  I mean anything at all!  I think this cold is God's way of slowing me down.  I have had a little bit of time up and around with the kids, but already I can feel my energy flagging again.

Good timing, the kids are just about ready for bed, and I am planning on climbing into my bed shortly as well.

Because I haven't had a day like this in a long time, I felt almost guilty for not doing anything.  But I haven't taken a day voluntarily in so long, that I think God has used this cold to really slow me down.  I mean, I nearly had to stop everything today. 

I feel bad, because when I have a day that I'm able to detach from everything going on around me (or even a portion of a day) I try to spend it with God.  But I seriously wasn't able to even think clearly enough to hardly pray.  Maybe it was good, because many of the things that have hit me this week are too hard for me to deal with right now, and like a friend has said, it's time to take a vacation from it for a while.

Yesterday I had no voice, so I could only listen as my friend Cindy D. talked with me on the phone.  I was able to talk with her a little bit, but for the most part, it was a time for her to share.  Today I could talk more, but until now was unable to string more than a few thoughts together.

So, it truly has been "forced rest" today.  I have had no way of avoiding it, and no real energy to try.  A forced rest physically, and a break from thinking through problems or "tough stuff" and a time just to "be."  It's hard for me to do, but needed so much of the time. 

I have read so much about taking a Sabbath rest.  Not just once in a while, but weekly.  I want to do this.  I want to have a "God day" and a time where I can just take the time out from working, over thinking, and just do things that help me rest up and recharge.  Sometimes I can do that for a little bit, some portion of a day, here and there.  But I want to incorporate this into my weeks and months that are coming.

It's crazy that a long tough road of preparation for an event, and the event itself is what makes me take some days off from work, and then a cold on top of it taking me out so badly that I had to take another day really off.

It should be something worked into my schedule already.

I can see it's going to be another way to take care of myself.  Another thing in the list of "self care" that I'm going to have to work on.

It's been hard to feel so under the weather.  But when my body shuts down, there is nothing I can do.  It felt good to have the freedom to collapse as I needed to for the day.  I owe my husband a great debt of gratitude for that, for taking the kids away and letting me rest.  It was wonderful.

Thank you God too, for forcing me to rest.  May I keep in mind this break, and remember to take the unexpected breaks I get during the weeks ahead to stop and rest and be with you, and to be ok with doing nothing but sleeping, if that's what my body needs.

Joy strength

Oh my friends, God was so good this weekend.

We had around 200 people in our church this weekend, as we hosted our districts Annual Meeting and Celebration. 

The meeting started with a two hour prayer gathering.  We worshipped and prayed together corporately.  As the theme of the weekend was prayer, it was a good way to start.

When we entered into the general session after lunch, God just really moved in my heart.  I was helping lead the worship, and was standing up there watching others get moved in worshiping our great God.  The Spirit was tangible there as nearly 200 people gathered together singing praise.  God moved in my heart as well. 

We were in the middle of the second song, and the thought ran through my head (and heart) that if God had told me a year ago, even 6 months ago that I would be helping lead worship for our district's Annual Meeting, I would have called Him crazy!!!  As that thought came to me, it just hit me how much He has done in me.  Yes, I am still struggling with depression and still have some heavy stuff I am working through right now even, but Oh!  How He filled me with such joy and thankfulness right then and there.

I was to the point that I wanted to spread my arms out (I did with one arm in the middle of the song - but it's hard to do that with both when you are still supposed to sing into the mic.) lift my face to Him, and then fall on my face, just in awe.

I couldn't hold still up front with all the joy that was in me.  I felt lit up by Him.  I don't know how else to describe it.  It was an amazing feeling!

Later, when I talked with my friend Cindy, I told her I couldn't believe what God had done in the middle of that set of music, and she gave me a big squeeze and said that she knew, she could see it, and she was dancing in the streets right along with me.

God is so good that way.  He lifted me up and strengthened me for this incredibly big and busy weekend.  He held me up when I was exhausted, and energized me even what I thought I was running on fumes.

He filled me with so much joy, I thought I would burst!

He did all this because He knew what I faced this week.  He knew better than I did what I would have to have to be able to make it through this week.

As I walked into my day Monday, I knew right then and there that God had filled me with joy and a sense of having done my job very well.  A knowing that it was Him working in me that accomplished so very much over the weekend.  Because the things I faced on Monday, through counseling and coming to terms with some of those things were extremely heavy and hard and I needed the "joy strength" He gave me to deal with the shame and flood of other negative emotions that hit me as I started to process other things.

That in and of itself is another story.  Another post.

This one is to remind me (and you) that no matter what I am going through, no matter what we are going through, God sees it, has already seen it and has prepared us for it.  Sometimes (most times) we don't feel prepared, but that still doesn't negate the truth that He is there, He is our strength and He is the only one who will get us through the storms.  Sometimes He strengthens us before, sometimes in, and always through everything we go through.

Thank you Jesus!

I have this hanging on my wall, given to me by a friend just before the Annual Meeting.  It's hanging right where I can see it all the time.  It seems to be very appropriate for me today and every day.

Psalm 18:2 
THE LORD IS MY ROCK AND MY FORTRESS AND MY DELIVERER, MY GOD, MY STRENGTH IN WHOM I WILL TRUST.

God and writing

So last night I spent some time writing.  God uses my writing to help me process and to hear His voice.

God used it to make me realize that I haven't dealt fully with some aspects of my past.  Things from back in Junior High, like when I was 12.  I thought I had laid a lot of that to rest.  But when Tricia and I were talking last week, we realized we hit on something right before the end of our session.

I had been bullied by a couple of different people in 7th grade.  It wasn't that big of a deal or so I thought.  But as I worked through it as I wrote last night, I realized just how big a deal it was.  I really took what was said and done to me to heart.

Though I am very high on the Empathy/Feeling charts, I find myself shutting down emotionally and unable to re-engage.  I traced it back to some things that happened while in 7th grade where I vowed that I wasn't going to let others see me cry in front of them again.  Unless I was in a "safe place" or with "safe people" I didn't cry.  I also didn't express how I felt to anyone for the most part, even to my mom, when something happened.

I can remember when my first cat died.  It was my senior year of high school.  I'd had her since I was four.  My mom was taking her in the next day to be put down because she was too sick and in pain.  I got home from school the next day, and had a friend with me.  We hung together in my room, ate supper and went back to the school for a late drama rehearsal.  I never said anything to my mom about Willow, for a long time. 

Several months later, I encouraged my family to get two kittens, and they had them for a very long time.  Later I ended up telling my mom that I stayed up several hours with Willow on her last night.  Curled up next to her on the couch, petting the one place that didn't hurt her (the top of her head and ears) and cried.  The reason I had a friend come home with me the next day was cause I needed the distraction.  But it was a long time before I could acknowledge those emotions, define them, and share them with someone.

I am not as bad as that now.  I have healed a lot in the last few years.

However, there are still times when I have trouble expressing my emotions.  Sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling.  Like I said, I shut down.  Because of the bullying things that happened to me, the humiliations, I ended up putting up walls to protect myself.

God has been faithful in helping me pull down those walls.  Many of them are down now, and I have much less of a tendency to hold in emotions than I used to.  It's much less self-destructive.  But there are still walls there. Some of these walls have people's names on them, I have discovered.  It's going to take a lot of hard work to get those walls to come down.

With God's help, I know it will happen.  In His time.

There are other things that are going on at the same time. - again - there is always something, and it seems God is working on me from different fronts, with different things all at once.  Maybe it seems like that because He is trying to help me shore up the weaknesses that He sees in me, so that I can come out the other side more whole, and a better person to better reflect His light.

All in His time.  And - as a reminder to myself - I don't need to know the why's of what's going on or what's happened.

God uses my writing to help me process different things.  Last night He helped me process and identify some things that I need to go over with Tricia.  Other times He just plain outright speaks to my heart, by impressing something on it.  Other times it is through reading His Word as well.

I am just so glad that He still speaks and heals and redeems and restores, today as always.

He's got me covered.
He's got you covered.

Praise God for that!  I am so grateful that He hems us in behind and before and that He lays His hand upon us all!

Busy week, in more ways than one

It's been a very busy week.  I am very tired and fighting a cold. 

Our church is hosting our district's Annual Meeting and Celebration.  That means that I am the point person for the church, pulling people in to help with decorations, hosting, ushering, food, media and sound, building set up, child care - among many other things.

I have been running my tail off this week because we have had meetings and I have been making many phone calls to get everything sorted out.

The meeting is next week Friday and Saturday, so if I am rather absent here in the next week, please forgive me.  I just have so much to do, and so much on my mind.

The theme for the Annual Meeting is "Getting back to Basics:  Prayer."  So I have someone who jumped onto my team, who is so fired up about praying for everyone coming.  She has organized our church to literally cover every single person in prayer.  There are people who grabbed someone's name, filled out a card to let them know they were praying for them and slipped it into an envelope with their name on it.  Those will be put into everyone's registration packets.  They then keep the person's name and pray for them throughout the next week or so, and just pray as God leads them to.

It has been amazing to feel the prayers of people.  Once this dear lady jumped in and started really organizing the prayer for the event, I have been feeling entirely different about how things are going.  God is so good that way.  She was an answer to an unspoken prayer of mine that someone would be there that I could call on to pray for me, whatever it was, and whenever.  She has. 

As we move into this next week, again things will be very busy, but there are things going on personally that will add to the stress unless I am able to let them go to hang onto God, or as I said in my last post, let Him hang onto me.

I went through counseling with Tricia this past week.  By the time I was done, I was feeling so sick to my stomach.  It took me nearly an hour before I trusted myself enough to drive home.  I just sat in the parking lot in my car.

God lifted me above those intense emotions and reactions to the things we were talking about this week as I have had other things I have needed to deal with.  I am so grateful He does that.  He has sustained me this week. 

Of course the last couple of days I have been staying with Him pretty intensely as I have been working on catching up on my Breaking Free Bible Study.  This study has been amazing.  We just finished Week 4, and I know there is much more to go, but God has been using it already in seeing patterns and areas where truly I am still in bondage.  After talking to Tricia, and then working through the bible study homework, God revealed to me some areas that I am going to have to really work on.  Not easy stuff, but worth it in the long run.

There are a couple of assignments that Tricia gave me that I have to do in the next 10 days or so.  I need to have them done by the Monday after the Annual Meeting.  I am going to be taking off the 25th and 26th from work to recover from the weekend, and I have my appointment with Tricia that Monday afternoon.  I am hoping that I don't have to do my "homework" from her that morning, but if I have to, I will. 

My heart hurts thinking about it though.  I don't want to have to do what she is asking me to, and what I feel God is asking me to.  It's difficult though I know it will bring further healing.  I don't know if I will ever get beyond the depression, or the struggle with it.  Knowing the why's or the answers to the questions doesn't help either, because I still have to deal with it.

I would like to do it ahead of time and get it out of the way.  But with the multitude of responsibilities I have for the Annual Meeting, I just am afraid these things will stir up way too many emotions.  I know that God can handle it, that He can cover it and give me the strength to do all things.  I just need prayer that I will know when to do what He wants me to do.

It makes it all harder to look at with any clarity when I am feeling sick.  I have to sing during the Annual Meeting at several different points for the worship team.  It's an added thing on top of the responsibilities I have, being available for the district executive administrator to help her with anything she needs.  I am glad to do it.  I feel that God has called me to sing and help lead worship.  With this cold, however, it will be difficult to sing if it doesn't clear up quickly!

As you can see I have a lot on my plate in the next week...  and it's not just the Annual Meeting.  My brain feels fried, and there are so many things I want to do, need to do, and should do that I am not quite sure where to start.

Thank you for listening to my babble! :)  I will be praying for all of you as God brings you to my heart and mind, but I may not be able to be around for a visit for a little bit.

If something comes up this week that I need to share, I will pop on here again, but again it all depends on how things go.

Exhaustion and choices

Lack of enough sleep really does me in.

The last couple of nights or so have been late ones, besides the fact that I was sleeping on the couch to give my visiting parents a bed to sleep in.  Needless to say I didn't sleep the greatest or long enough.

The tiredness has increased the "weight" that I have been feeling sneaking in around the edges the last few days. God is still good.  He is still in control.  I was still able to worship Him today at church.

I just feel that depression building up again.  Besides being tired, I really wish I knew its source.  It's hard to figure out because I just don't see it.  Though I know right now exhaustion is playing into it big time, it's still frustrating to see and feel the anxiety and know that I have to walk this road.

So I am choosing today to try, despite distractions and frustrations with the kids, to cling to the truth.  I'm working on keeping my focus on God.  I am struggling to stay open to Him and keep myself in an attitude of submission and surrender.

It's not an easy process and I am definitely struggling.  It's hard when all I want to do is sleep.

But I am clinging to God - and better yet, He is holding me with His righteous right hand.  His hands are holding me and that's stronger... stronger than any way I could cling to him in my own strength.

Thank you Jesus for holding me.  Thank you for always meeting me where I am at.  Thank you for loving me so much that You became sin for me, so that I might become Your righteousness.  You are so good.  Thank You for Your peace in the midst of depression and pain.  Please continue to uphold me and strengthen me for this road you have me on.  Give me the peace that passes understanding and the joy inexpressible that only comes from you.  I love you - help me to keep falling deeper in love with You every day.

Falling in love

I'm falling in love all over again.

Yes, I really am.  And I never thought it would quite be like this.

First God talked to me about surrendering and letting go.



He started pulling me out and away from people and things in my life that were a significant part of my "normal."

Then, God changed the "surrender" word to "submit," and it was like a light bulb going on.

"Oh.  All of me, he wants me to lay it all down on the alter.... and it's not an "it" at all, its ME He wants."

Yeah, I know.  Sometimes it takes me a while.

Some situations sprang up in my life at that point that forced me to submit because there was no way I was going to handle it all on my own strength.  The only way to get through was to submit my days to Him and rely on His strength, not my own.

There were some really dark days there.

Then God did something to me last week Friday, that has lasted all week.  He helped me really become a part of one of the stories in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 5. It was amazing the changes He did in my heart overnight through that simple account of a woman's healing.

I am only starting to grasp what happened when I reached out to touch the hem of His robe last week.

The story was instrumental in my coming to Christ originally.  I said that in my last post.  But what occurred to me just now, as I was writing this, is that it is also very instrumental in my falling in love all over again.

In the Breaking Free study, Beth Moore talks about how much she is in love with Jesus, and how He is the first and greatest joy in her life... and that she was jealous for all of us to have that type of love relationship with Him.  Then another study, that I just picked up again after a long while, last night no less... made the point about us falling in love with Jesus, because that is what is so contagious to others.  Our head over heels, abandoned love for Jesus.

Really, God?

It hit me this morning and I realized the next puzzle piece has fallen into place.  It fits.

Letting go of the things I esteem so highly, and let God take care of them.
Surrender each and every little piece God points out to me of my heart.
Submit my all to Him so that His plans for me become my plans and I just follow along.

As I thought about all this today, I still felt His call to submit and surrender.  I thought about falling in love again with Him.  I thought about how resistant I felt about that whole idea.  Because I thought it had to look a certain way or something.  I kept thinking, "Well, I can't be like so and so, she has all the time she needs to do whatever to fall in love with You. And I can't be like so and so, because I can't live at that pace, and that seems to be how she falls in love with You."

I kept comparing myself.

Finally I heard God's small voice say, "Stop."
I did.

I felt like He really pointed out to me another area I was resisting Him, another spot where I was telling Him to wait, to hold off, to not get too close to that "thing" there.

I told Him I wasn't going to do that.  That I was going to submit to Him right away.  I had already made that commitment nearly 2 weeks ago.  Yet, here I was telling Him wait again.  But this time, instead of beating myself up over it, it was just another light bulb coming on.

It was immediate surrender.

I don't know what this falling in love with God all over again thing looks like.  Not for me.  I see what it looks like in some lives I am exposed to, near and far.

I told God that I didn't know what to do.

Then He reminded me of what I did when I was first in love with my husband.  We would sit on the couch and I would snuggle up against him with my head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat.

That's what Jesus wants me to do, just settle in with Him and listen to His heartbeat, and let the rest flow from there.  He's got it anyway.  It's His plans.  My life is His.  He is mine.  I am bought, redeemed, loved, His bride.  He loves me so much, so much that it hurts.

I think I am falling in love.
All over again.
With the greatest love of my life.
Jesus.

The bonus is, the more in love with Jesus I am, the more it spills out and over into the ones I love.  I love Jesus more, then I will be able to love my husband and family and friends more.  The more I will look like Jesus and less like me.

Oh, my friends, God is so good.  He is so faithful.  I may have more dark days coming.  I may have more challenges ahead.  I have some coming up in the next few weeks.  But my sweet Jesus is so much bigger, better and stronger than all of that.  He is still speaking if you know how to listen.

Just get real quiet with Him.  Snuggle up to Him and listen for His heartbeat.  It doesn't take long, and it doesn't have to be for long.  Just long enough for you to realize that His heartbeat is for you.

He loves you.
Love Him back with all of your heart!
It's worth falling in love all over again!

Worshiping, not yelling... and Never Alone!

Early this evening, I found myself on the way out to the farm.

I wasn't yelling.

I was worshiping.  

I was singing loud and strong, along to a worship CD.

I was overcome with awe as I watched the rain clouds break apart, 

the sun start to stream through,

and the trees light up with all their glorious colors.

I didn't feel alone.

God was right there with me.  

Showing Himself to me in His glorious creation and inhabiting my praise of Him.

He has been all along, but I was sinking so much in my own pain and shame that I couldn't or wouldn't see it.

What changed my perspective today?
Nothing has changed.  My situations and struggles are still the same.  The depression is still there, the feeling of being pulled away from people and things... all still there.

However, my perspective has changed.

Yesterday, after the kids had left to go to the farm, I read a friend's blog post.  She said that she would, even in the midst of her own struggles, be interceding for others.  She asked in that post for us to share prayer requests with her.  Tentatively I sought her out via email and shared as briefly as I could where I was at and just asked her to pray as she was able.

I received her reply a little later in the evening.  In the course of her email, she made a suggestion.  She said to find a favorite story of mine in the bible and read it.  But to not just read it, but fully put myself in the story, feeling it with texture, form and substance.

Well, I did as she suggested, right before bed.  I didn't anticipate how God would touch me, but I read the story of the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years.  It was one that was instrumental in my coming to Christ 17 years ago.  I read it out of Mark 5:24-34.

It was powerful, and for some reason, what Jesus said to her at the end of her story on those pages, I felt like I had never even heard before.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." 

Daughter.
Faith.
Healed.
Peace.
Freed.

I was in that story.  I was the woman who had suffered at the hands of many doctors, spent all she had, and was worse off than before.  I was the one so worn and weak, trying to push through the crowd that was crushing Him to just try to touch his cloak.

And His words touched me.  I am His daughter.  My faith has caused me to push through the crowd to find healing in His touch, in the past, and will again.  He spoke to me about going in peace, to cease worrying about what might happen or how it will look, or what I'm even supposed to do.  Just rest in His peace.

He spoke precious words to me of freedom.  Freedom from suffering.  I know we will never be fully free from suffering here in this world.  But when we are looking at our Savior's face, the suffering fades in comparison.  I wrote in my journal last night that maybe I would never be able to shake the depression I suffer from, but maybe I can find peace in it, knowing He is there, He knows what it's like.  Jesus cares and never leaves me alone or drops me off along the road somewhere.

I know God is pulling me away for a season, drawing me apart for a while to spend more time with Him.  He's making room in my life.

For Him.
For me.
For us together.

I will be able to fill up with more of Him.  He will be able to show me the things I need to work through, the healing I need, the sins I need to confess, repent and let go of.  He is spending this time clearing out the junk so that He has room to work, and I can only sit back and watch in amazement as He does His thing.

Jesus was a carpenter you know.  I imagine He loved to work with His hands, taking a bare bit of wood, seeing what it could really become, cutting it, carving it, and shaping it, polishing it until it was a thing of beauty, and able to be used fully for the work it was made for.

He is doing that with me.  He is with you too. He sees the flaws in our bits of wood, and he works with them, turning them into ways His strength and design and plan can be seen.

This depression and depth of despair that I have had may come and go, and never really leave.  But I am working at getting it from my head to my heart - choosing to believe that it will once again be for my good and for His glory.  Depression will keep me weak, forced to depend on Him like no other.  No one else would be able to stand up to the pressure that I would put on them in my deepest need.

Only Jesus can.
Only Jesus has experienced the deepest darkness, the deepest aloneness, the most painful separation, worse than anything we could imagine.

So He knows, He understands, He cares.
And He WILL REDEEM IT ALL.

He will buy back the pain and the agony of our situations.  He will use it somehow in my life, and it will spill over into the lives of others.  He has in small ways already.

I wish that I could have written this yesterday, showing the hope that really was there at the end of that post.  But I didn't see it.  I was drowning, until Jesus stepped in, through the words of my friend, and drew me to His Word where He met me.

I rocked myself to sleep with that story from Scripture last night.  This morning, when I woke, nothing had changed.  Yet, EVERYTHING had changed.  It was enough.  It was so good.

God is so good.  I choose to believe that.  That He is good, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He will never leave me or forsake me.  I choose to believe the truth of His Word.....

....despite what my feelings may say.

May I look back on this post when I am down and depressed and see no hope and remember how He was faithful to me to fulfill His Words of healing, peace and freedom in my life.

Will you choose the truth too?  Will you choose Him?  Will you choose to believe Him and what He says about you, and how much He loves you?  Will you choose His hope with me today?

Yelling and alone

I found myself yelling at God this morning.

Ok, well, I still am yelling, I think, but it's not as out loud as it was in the car.

"I don't want to be alone anymore!"

It seems that as things have gotten harder this year, as things have come up that I need to deal with, as deeper hurts are exposed, things have been changing. 

Humans, as a rule, usually don't like change, aren't a fan of it.  I am no exception to that.  The changes have been from our small group disbanding, to my kids both being in school, to my working through the summer.  Each involve a gain in some way or another, but all involve loss too - and the grieving of it.

I have had God show me some things in my life, using the mirror of His Word and Truth that needed to be gotten rid of.  He has shown me other things about myself that need deeper healing than I have had before in these same areas. 

And I hurt.
And I have been crying.
And shutting down some too.

I don't like this.  I hate this.  In the midst of it all, in the midst of the changes, I find myself without the people around me that I would readily turn to for help, support, wisdom.  Not that we aren't still friends and family, but that our lives are full to the brim, and things seem to keep on getting in the way.

I tried to talk to 2 friends today, but they were distracted with other things and couldn't talk.  I tried to get together with another but she had a schedule conflict that came up, so we had to reschedule for tomorrow.  Two other friends had other things that were going on and had to leave before I could get a hug.

It's all little "piddly" stuff, but at the same time, at the painful place I am in at the moment, it was really hard to deal with.  So I yelled at God.  It didn't make me feel any better though.

Everything - absolutely everything - seems to be getting pulled away from me.  Everyone.

I did get the chance to connect with one friend, but only briefly as she had other things that she had to get to, but she was able to give me 10 minutes on the phone.  It was good.  It was better than nothing.  My conversation with her, of which I can remember very little at the moment, helped me.  Oh, and made me cry all the harder.

We got off the phone and I headed home, where in about a half hour I will have to pick up my daughter from school and then my son.  But I have some peace and quiet here, which is good.  But I am alone.  Sometimes I long for times like this.  I ache to have no demands on me for a period of time.

But today, all I want is a hug.  I know that God is with me.  But right now, I want a hug from someone "real."  I guess I want that physical contact and a shoulder to cry on.

My counselor asked me yesterday, after I shared some things with her, "So, what do you want to do with this?  What do you want to do now?"

I said, "Tricia, I don't even know."

It was quiet for a few moments.  Then she asked me what I was thinking.  By that point, all I could feel was this weight settling in to stay for a while, and I couldn't find the words to tell her even that.  I felt afraid, and didn't know how to tell her that either. 

I did tell her that I would probably be able to answer her question once I got in the car and started driving home.  It wasn't quite accurate.  It took sitting down here at the computer to get it out.

Again, I know God is in all this, but I feel dreadfully exposed and vulnerable.  I gave God permission to do heart surgery, and laid myself out, submitting fully to Him.  He has wasted no time, using things I never expected to pull at me and tear at my heart so I can see where there is more junk to be taken out and cleaned up.

In the process, I feel isolated and alone.  I feel like there is no one to turn to and no help in sight.  I know that this is a faith walk, not a "sight" walk.  But the knowledge in my head isn't helping this raw, aching heart.

I know that God wants me to cling ever harder to Him.  I know He is using this Breaking Free bible study mightily in my life, if not everyone else's.  He's orchestrated this all to coincide in my life for a reason.

But again....

I don't want to be alone!

Maybe I will finally sense His presence here, and continue to submit, rather than curl up around my hurts and try to fix them myself.  In reality, there is no fixing them.  Only God can heal them.  If I will let Him close enough to touch them.

tender hearted

My heart hurts and is very tender this day.

I spent some good time yesterday with God, and then was able to relax with the kids at the farm for a while.  This morning, as I was getting ready for church, God spoke and reminded me of some verses I had read yesterday about repentance.  I just heard the word "repent" in my heart and connected it to the verses I had read the day before.

And, God connected both of those thing with some areas in my life He has pointed out that I need to work on.  Some things that make my flesh squirm in shame and pain.

As I drove to church, I was praying, asking God to help me focus on Him today, and to be able to worship and really hear what He had to say to me through the sermon.  As I did, I heard again the word "repent" in my heart. I caught myself telling Him "later" and stopped.  Why in the world would I do something later that I heard Him ask me to do when I know He's asking it, and that when I haven't responded right away, putting Him off, I feel more distant from Him?

So right there in the car, on the way to church, I did.  I turned it all over to Him and sought forgiveness.  Oh that opened the floodgates of the tears!

I made it safely to church (I was crying while driving) and got in there.  Almost as soon as I walked in, I saw our former pastor and his family here.  I gave him a big hug and greeted his family.  After a moment or two, as others came to greet his wife and daughters, he asked how I was doing.  I said OK, but saw that familiar look in his eyes.... and amended it, saying instead I was making it, but been struggling quite a bit recently again.  He reminded me to hang in there.

Well, little did I know that he was going to be getting up with an announcement at the beginning of the service.  He gave a report on how their fund-raising was going to plant their church, and how the sale of their house was going.  When he was done with that, he shared how during this process of the last month being away from our church, it had been extremely dark and hard and heavy.

Then he said, "I don't know where you are today, or what is going on.  Some of you may be walking in some darkness.  Feeling lost and heavy and having a hard time hanging on.  I just want you to know that God has not dropped you off along the way...."

The words aren't exact to what he said, but the meaning is the same.  I don't really have the rest written down, because I could hardly see Pastor Brad for the tears streaming down my face, and the sobs threatening to overtake me.

I pretty much cried on and off through the rest of the service.

The sermon was good, I was able to connect to God through the worship, and afterward ran into Peter and Donna, my small group leaders.  Peter pulled me aside and we had a conversation, one that I had been expecting, but still hard nonetheless.  I gave him a hug, and started to cry (again).  He reminded me we are still family, and I explained that this, though expected has come on top of some other tough things God is working in and working through and working out, but they are hard.... and it was just one more hard thing today to have confirmed for me.

This pulling apart in my life is really getting old, and it hurts and it has left my heart very raw and vulnerable.

I know God is working on getting me to rely on Him 100% and not leaning on other people first.  Depending on others, and having accountability, and living in community and unity is wonderful.  However if that starts taking the place of going to God first, then He is going to do something about that.

He's been working on my heart for so long now.  Only now am I learning that when I feel His prompting I need to act on it immediately, no matter how inconvenient it might be at the time.  Slowly I am learning to set aside things in my life that are or have been idols.  Slowly I am allowing Him to open up my heart to see the things I still need to work on.  Slowly I am learning to submit myself to Him.... and its a daily thing many times....  submitting myself and submitting my "stuff."

Folks, my heart hurts.  All I want to do is cry.  This growing and stretching thing is really painful.  I know that the Holy Spirit is working.

I. Can't. Do. This.
It's. Too. Hard.

But I have to remember that God is in control.  He has not dropped me off along the way.  He is carrying me, even when I don't feel Him there.  If I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me.

Every little thought of what has happened, just today, pricks my tender heart.  Too much to process, too much to think about, but I don't want to shut down again, so that means I need to live with this tender heart.

God, hold me tenderly this week.  Hold my vulnerable heart in Your Hands and keep it protected and safe.  Guard my mind and heart and soul this week, and continue Your healing in my life.  Somewhere I read this week that to be broken is to be healed.  Well Lord, I feel broken.  So I am choosing to trust that Your healing is following.  I am truly "on the road" with You..... You have shown me that I have a tendency to hang onto You, so I know that I will hang in there with You, but please keep feeding me strength and hope for this process that seems never-ending.

so very precious...

I see something so very precious in front of me, slipping away so fast.

I try to grab it, to hold it together, but it shifts and changes and, what I once knew it as, is gone.

We've been so close, spent so much time together... birthdays, parties, weekly gatherings.

Homes were opened to each other.

Meals were shared.

Hearts were opened to each other.

Tears and laughter were shared.

Now it's a new stage, a new place.

One unfamiliar.

The shape has changed and morphed over the years as it's needed to, slowly growing or shrinking to accommodate its members. Now it's changing again, but suddenly, at least more than ever before.

Still family.

But different.

Hurts and tears still there.

Hugs and comfort still there too.

But its all changed and changing.

What it was, what we were, is slipping away

lost in the past,

but what we are is yet unknown, other than

we are family.

God's changing us and breaking us out of the mold we have been in. We are all tired and need to stretch and straighten and work out the kinks come from being in one place for too long. But we still need each other, just differently.

It comes as a shock, seeing what I feared becoming reality.

But somehow, I know God is in it. He is doing something for all of us, and in all of us.

So something very dear and precious to me is slipping away.

But I know that God replaces good with better, and better with best. Always improving it. Always moving us upward and inward to His "best" He has for us.

So do we hang onto what we know, to what is familiar, or do we let go of this thing that has become so precious to us, and instead, grab onto God and make HIM the most precious thing to us?

Submitting to Him. Surrendering my plans. Letting go of what I love.

Then I can love Him more.

Then I can find Him to be my very all in all.

Then He becomes so very precious

- that when I grab on -

He doesn't ever slip away and disappear.

Submit, resist, come near...

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7-8a

These verses jumped out at me today, and though I have tried to put them away, they seem to fit in with a theme I have been noticing lately.

I have talked about it here.

Surrender.
Letting go.

No matter what I do, God keeps telling me to surrender to Him. I keep asking, "What? What is it you want me to surrender." He just keeps saying "Surrender."

You think by now I would have gotten it. I have been flailing around trying to figure out what I haven't surrendered to him. What in the world have I left out? How could I still be holding back from God? What would I possibly still be holding back from God, and why? Because I know all the incredible things he has done to heal me. There is no reason to hold back.

Then this verse popped up several times today.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God."

I didn't get it really, still don't totally. Now that I have looked back at former verses and gotten the context, it has helped.

The previous verses talked about friendship with the world. Friendship with the world is hatred toward God. God has asked me to give up some things that aren't inherently "bad" but they have caused me to love the world more, idolize some things, and therefore, that makes me an enemy of God. Can that be possible? But the verses refer to how God is a jealous God - the Spirit He placed in us envies intensely.

Because of our (my) tendency to love the world and the things in it, then I must submit myself to God. It's a surrender..... but when I think of a surrender, I think of Him asking me to surrender something specific.

Submitting myself to God is different. It means that I am opening up myself to Him. Submitting. Trusting. Purposely placing myself under His Hand. Allowing Him to work, even when I know its probably going to hurt.

When I am finally ready to do that - you know what happens?

I'm sure you do.

Think about it. You're ready to submit to God's will. You're ready to let go..... and along comes the enemy, with every good and reasonable sounding excuse to wait. To hold on. To take the time to "figure it out" before you actually do what God is telling you to do.

What does the next sentence say?

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

Resist him - even when you are tired. That is the hardest for me. I just told God this morning that I was tired. So many times I have cried out to God that I am too tired to fight anymore. That's it. That's all I've got, God.

But if I resist. If I allow God to strengthen me in resisting (which He will, especially when I am submitted to Him) the devil will flee from me. FLEE!!!

And when I am feeling so dry and alone and worn, I "come near to God and He will come near to [me]." What a blessing that when I have nothing, if I come near to Him, He doesn't pull away.... He draws closer.

I think of when I am with my kids on the couch. When they push away and won't come closer when I ask, it makes me further from them, and they feel further from me too. But when they submit to my arm around them, when they draw close and snuggle in, it is so natural for me to rub their back, comfort them, love on them.

Isn't that what God does for us too? When I come closer to Him, intentionally positioning myself in His presence, focusing on Him, I feel Him there with me. I can feel Him loving on me and wrapping His arms around me.

Then I am sitting in His lap. I am safe in my Daddy's arms.

Ok, God - here I am. I want it and yet I fight it at the same time, though I know You are trustworthy and true. I am placing myself under Your hands. Under those healing hands of Yours that have done nothing but love, heal and help me. I see my past. I see how You have been so faithful to showing me Your love in spite of it all. I see how You have been so loving and gentle with this fragile heart of mine. I see how You have tenderly taken me and showed me a bit at a time the truth of Your Word. You have shown me the lies and slowly rebuilt my mind to recognize and lean towards the truth, rather than the old worn tapes full of lies from the past.

God, my Daddy, I choose to trust You because I know, even when it is hard for me to believe, that You have my best at heart. Oh come close to me, as I come close to you, because this little girl inside needs some cuddle time in her Daddy's lap!

Time to Break Free...

Tomorrow is the day.

We are starting the "Breaking Free" bible study by Beth Moore at our church. In the end we are going to have a total of 9 ladies (counting myself) once one comes back from a vacation.

This year, I am leading the Thursday morning women's study. Last year another gal was, but she and her family have moved further north of here, and while they are still coming down to our church for Sundays, she has had to back out of other things to be close to home for her kids who are just starting school.

So, I realized that most of the summer was gone and no one else was stepping forward to lead.

I could have let it slide.
I could have let it go.

But all the gals who had done it last year really loved getting together.

I prayed about it some, and reasoned that I would be going to it if someone else led it, and because we'd probably do a Beth Moore study, and the teaching is all done by her, by video, that I could at least facilitate.

And as I thought about it, there were many that were running through my head.... I kept thinking of all the studies she has put out. I kept coming back to one. I couldn't get it out of my head.

I am pretty sure this is the one God hand picked for those of us going through the study. "Breaking Free: Making freedom in Christ a reality in life."

I don't know each of their stories, or where they are on their path with God. But for this moment in time, for this semester, God has caused all our paths to converge, to come together for this study.

I know where I am. I know the struggles I have had. I know the fears I have. The depression I have been battling.

I have been back in counseling. I have been going again, trying to get a handle on what is going on in my life, and in my emotions. I know that I have been walking in freedom, but now something is holding me back. There is something re-surfacing, that I need to work through for further healing.

I think this study is coming at a really good time for me, and for maybe all the others who will be involved.

I also know it will be a great challenge to lead, because of how the enemy attacks when we step into leadership. The old lies and insecurities resurface and the little voice inside starts whispering,

"Who do you think you are? You can't do this! You're nothing. There's no way you can even begin to pray for these people, much less anything else. You are nothing, you have nothing, and if they knew about your past...."

Will you please pray for me?

Will you please pray with me?
Will you pray that everyone who starts will complete the study to the end?
Will you pray for God's truth to penetrate hearts and minds, and that we would be willing to act on what He tells us?

Will you pray for me as I lead, and facilitate and pray for these precious women, these precious sisters in Christ.

Please pray too, that if there is anyone else who is meant to be in the study, they'd just show up. We have a couple of extra books that someone could take.

Pray that God's mighty Spirit would blow through us and change us, and through us, inspire and encourage others to change as well.

I am going to spend the rest of my night tucking in my kids, snuggling into bed and praying/journaling for the study tomorrow, and for my time with Tricia in my counseling session tomorrow afternoon.

May God bless you all!

it's all I've got - no energy to pretend

I don't have the energy to act like things are good, when they aren't.

Not today.

I was able to enjoy time with my kids, and with their grandmother.

Then I left the farm, and headed on some errands. On the way, I checked my home answering machine remotely. There was a message there from Cindy D. As soon as I got to a parking lot where I had good cell reception, I parked and called her.

She is such an encouragement to me, though she doesn't realize it. She is going through so much herself, yet at the same time is so willing to listen to me talk, ask tough questions and share what she is learning as she heals and grows to help me.

We talked for quite a while. By the time I got off the phone, I at least felt like I could drive again, with some sort of attention to the road.

Essentially I was "running away from home" for a while tonight. I wanted to get away from my normal, so that I wouldn't go back to my "normal" mode of behaviors.

By the time I got to the grocery store (keep in mind, after talking with Cindy D. I only went to one other store - briefly) I was exhausted.

One of my friends works there, the wife of our small group leader. She happened to not have any customers, so I was able to talk with her just for a few minutes. When asked how I was doing, I couldn't just say "good." I couldn't. I told her I was ok, that I was really tired and that I missed her and her husband. I was able to tell her that I was struggling, but that was about it as she got a customer at that point.

I got home and ate, and am now writing this.

I am doing better than I was. I felt like I had a small victory tonight and was able to get through. I spent a small amount of time with God - mostly praying as I was walking around the house doing things. Talking to Him more than listening, I think, but it was all I had in me.

I am still fighting the depression, but hope that some sort of semblance of sleep tonight will help me feel better in the morning than I did this morning.

Still a couple of lines from Psalm 143 stick with me.... tonight before I fall asleep.

I may not have them quoted perfectly, but here it goes...

I spread out my hands before you, my soul/heart thirsts for you like a parched land.

and...

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love....

Friends, I am praying tonight that this coming morning will bring me word of His unfailing love. I need the reminder tomorrow morning especially if it is anything like this morning - I need the reminder tonight.

The only thing I left out of the end of that last verse is ...for I have put my trust in you.

I have put my trust in him.... but have I trusted Him with everything in my heart? There is still some holding back there, though I know the right answer. Though I know that eventually I will let Him into "that" place too. Maybe the pain isn't great enough for me to finally give in.

Why does it always end up being that way? The pain needing to be great enough for me to finally cave in and allow Him to heal?

Trusting.

That's a whole other post, and not one this tired soul can go into tonight.

Maybe more on that tomorrow, if I have my thoughts gathered at all.

I don't have the energy tonight.

Not to act like things are good - and not to write well - and not to gather thoughts completely.

this is all I've got, and it's not much... but I guess I'll post it anyway.... it's just where I'm at.

a challenge and Psalm 143

God is still faithful.

God is still good.

I am writing these words as much for myself as a reminder, as for you who are reading.

Last night I went to bed late, worrying and praying for a friend who is really struggling and hurting.

This morning I woke up just before my alarm. As I went to bed so late, I was planning on hitting the snooze until it was time to get my son up for school. But, I was awake. So I dragged this weary body out of bed and curled up under some blankets on the couch. I didn't even have the energy to make coffee. I took my bible with me, but was so tired, and so low in my spirit, I didn't even think I could open it, much less read it.

But I did open it.

I did read.

I opened to the Psalms because those always bring comfort when I feel like this.

Yesterday morning I wrote how I could feel the depression sneaking back in, and this morning, it was there. Not full force, but with my extreme tiredness, it felt worse than yesterday.

My bible opened to Psalm 143.

The whole psalm is wonderful. It spoke directly to where I am at right now. I couldn't have found better words than those already written in this psalm.

You see, yesterday I found myself challenged. I was challenged in an area that I feel God has been speaking to me about for a while now. He decided now was the time. He spoke to me through a friend. He gave me the courage to speak out about what it was. She was the first person to whom I have given voice to these words, this deep concern. I was scared. I was embarrassed. I have been feeling ashamed and running from the problem.

My friend challenged me in another "letting go" and agreed to hold me accountable, be my encourager and to walk with me through this area.

All my life, hiding from my emotions and thoughts and at times God too, have been my specialty. Through the past few years, as God has done major healing, I have learned to embrace my emotions more. Not that it's easy. Many times I have been overwhelmed by them, and chosen instead to run from them and not face them. Tuck them down way inside and not pay attention or let them run their course.

Once I talked to my friend, Cindy, it gave me the courage to agree to the challenge that she gave me.

Once I agree to something, and make a verbal commitment, Cindy knows that I will follow through. It's that part of me that is so responsible, I can't let something go.

So this morning, I felt (and still feel) that the enemy has circled around me and is causing situations to work out that will make me feel more isolated from friends, from God, and it's only deepening the cloud of depression. Things that are going to make it even harder to keep up with this "letting go."

Here is Psalm 143;

O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy;

In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

Do not bring your servant into judgement,

for no one living is righteous before you.

The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

I remember the days of long ago;

I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.

I spread out my hands to you;

my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah.

Answer my quickly, O Lord;

my spirit fails.

do not hide your face from me or I will be like those

who go down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,

for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,

for your are my God;

may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;

destroy all my foes,

for I am your servant.

I read this sitting and watching the sunrise.... meditating on the lines of "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."

God gave me this psalm for this time, to remember that God hears my cries. He sees my struggles, the battle I am in for yet more freedom. I just have to trust Him with all of me.

I am struggling to remember that He just wants me to trust Him. Even when the enemy is raging at me, all God wants is for me to trust Him.

a new book and a new perspective

I found this new book the other day.

Ok, it was 2 days ago. I have almost finished it. That is a record for me when it's a non-fiction book. Course, I am a reader, so that helps.

But really this book is amazing, and though it is bringing up many things, it is opening my eyes to look at some things in my past in a new way.

The book is called "The Invisible Bond," by Barbara Wilson. The subtitle is "How to break free from your sexual past."

The gist of the book is that if we have had affairs, emotional or sexual, or had sex outside of the plan of God, we are carrying these bonds with those people with us into new relationships. It doesn't matter if we were a victim, or if a willing participant, or initiated the incident. We have created a bond with that person. We have bonded to that person, and when we "broke up" we walked away with bits of that person's heart, just as much as they have walked away with part of our heart.

This book tackles what this looks like, how we have been hurt, symptoms of that hurt and how we are "coping" to hide or numb that hurt, or both. And how to heal from those encounters, and how to break those bonds with those people.

If you have been reading my blog long enough you know that I have dealt with some areas like this of bondage to past relationships. I have broken many of those bonds. However, this book is seeming to bring up some of those relationships again.

One of the things I have been praying about is that the enemy wouldn't be trying to get me to "re-hash" stuff that isn't a problem.... bring up things that are already taken care of.

I don't want him to try to say "Well, really look how much you were hurt. You aren't really healed from that.." etc and open up old wounds that are really being healed (or have been).

Rather, I want to see God take this book, and use some of the exercises within it to help point me to some areas that need further healing. There are already one or two things that are very vivid in my head that I think I am going to have to work through with Tricia.

A while ago, I mentioned that Tricia had said that my friend's passing away was the icing on the cake, but what was the cake.... I didn't know at the time.

I still don't for sure. I wonder if a couple of these memories are part of the cake. I don't know that they are, and to my mind it doesn't seem to make sense that they would be. But I suppose sub-consciously they could be. The effects of not being fully healed from them, the resulting pain, and the coping mechanisms that I have been using surely could be what are causing me some problems.

All I know is this book has been a really good tool for me to assess what is really going on in my life and heart, where I felt I didn't have a tool, and that I was walking into counseling these last few times, feeling like I was running blind. I think that Tricia has felt the same too.

Running blind isn't a bad thing because it makes you rely on God. However it is really hard at times when you know you only have a limited time with someone and then end up really only getting to some of the "meat" of what's going on at the very end of that hour.

I am continuing to pray for God's wisdom and guidance.

I want the healing, but at the same time, I am afraid of it.

But I know that God is faithful, and because I have gone through facing tough stuff before, I proceed with more hope than I did before, because I have experienced the freedom of healing.

I feel the depression sneaking back in again, and I am trying to fight it. I have been extremely busy with work, so that has helped distract me, but every time I go into the weekend, I find myself crashing. Please pray for me as I go into the next few weeks here, hormonal issues could become a problem again, right at the point where I will be needing to hit tough stuff.

I hate the constant struggle, but this morning as I am able to think rather clearly, I know that struggle is worth it all because it draws me closer to my Jesus.

May I remember that in the days to come, and come back and read these words again as a reminder to myself that God is faithful.

Confirmation

It isn't easy when something you are sensing is confirmed by God.

A week ago, Cindy asked me if I felt ignored by her. I told her no, because I know the circumstances she has been going through. We have talked on the phone several times and seen each other at church, but not really had the chance to get together. I was able to tell her "no" truthfully.

I know in my head I am not abandoned by her. I also know that my other friends that I am close to haven't abandoned me either. Some have had other issues that they have had to deal with. Circumstances and odd schedules have caused us to not be able to see each other, or not be able to talk to one another.

It is how life is sometimes. I know that if I needed them, I could call and they would be here in a minute.

So again, I know in my head I am not abandoned. I know it in my heart for the most part too.

But there are still emotions that tug at me, and make me feel so alone.

I wrote that in my journal the other day.

"I feel lonely."

I shared it with Tricia. She confirmed what I felt God has been telling me all along.

Sometimes God allows people, friends to fall away, to the point that our only recourse is to focus totally on Him. In those times of loneliness there are the opportunities to fall away, and to turn to other things for comfort, to allow our focus to be turned away from God. There are the chances that we will stop, stuck in bitterness and frustration and we just hold still and we don't let go.

I have been there. Years ago I was in such a position. Friends were stripped away. I literally felt naked and exposed. From time to time I looked only to God. Other times I tried to make due with other things, whether it was working, reading, TV, anything else to distract me from the pain of betrayal, loneliness and bitterness I felt.

I did hang onto God. Or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That helps me now.

I have not been betrayed now, like I was back then.
I don't feel naked and exposed, like I did back then.

I am vulnerable, like I was. Somehow this feels different. I know I am healthier than I was back then. I feel different and that is a good thing. But I don't want to "muscle through" this on my own strength but rather rely on the strength of my Savior. The cutting away of things is really hard though.

I am loved. I am cared for. My friends are still here, they are still close. But without the closer conversations and contact, and feeling distant because they are having struggles too that they need to focus on, I still feel lonely.

I hate that lonely, empty feeling. I have had it too many times in the past.

I read something a couple of days ago about keeping my gaze so focused on Jesus that the rest of the world fades into background noise. To the point that all I can see is His face. His smile. His delight in me. Then, even if I stumble, even if I fall, even if I falter and get afraid, if my gaze is focused on Him, it will be ok. In the end it will be ok..... and it will be better than ok.

Because more than ever, He will be my all in all.

Then I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend to those I love so much in my life. I will be less of me and more of Him.

But that means I have to trust Jesus right now with everything.

Like I talked about in an earlier post, its about letting go. Tricia confirmed that too - so did another friend I talked to on Wednesday night.

This is all about letting go. Not letting go of friendships and friends and walking away, but trusting God to keep those friendship - trusting my dear friends to His hands (way better than my hands at holding close those I love).

Letting go so that my hands are empty and open to Him to receive from this time what He would have me learn. He would have me learn more deeply that He loves me. He is reliable. I am His beloved, and He is mine.

I still hate this lonely feeling though.
It makes me afraid.
It causes me to flail around looking for some way to connect with someone, or to fill the emptiness.

I know that having everything else cut away for a time is good. It's good for me. Its a refining process. But it still hurts.

I also know it is temporary. It is necessary. I have needed time to grieve, to focus on my family, to get the kids ready for school, to get necessary things done for work.......

....... and God has provided someone else. A friend. A counselor.

With Tricia back in my life - as a counselor - I have had some stability.

There has been the initial regaining of trust, getting to feel comfortable with her, enough to be open and honest and raw. There are still things that I'm afraid to tell her, or I down play the significance of. That will decrease.

God has placed her there as a steadying influence when all else is seeming to go haywire, to keep me focused on Him, to keep me going the right direction, and to point out the things and confirm the things that He is already speaking to me.

I still don't like confirmation of things that seem to be happening in my life.

But God used Tricia to show me that it's ok to have these times, as long as I respond to them, and go through them, in a healthy way. We are going to still be working on these things. It won't go away that easily, but I know that there are reasons behind everything that has been going on.

I need my Jesus more than I ever had before. I am entering new territory, new waters, new challenges, and new opportunities. God is growing me for something through these hard times.

I am praying that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone.

Please pray for me that I will be able to find those times to retreat with God. I need that so badly. I am struggling with how this schedule is going to work with school and dropping kids off and needing time for myself and God in the morning.

If I don't have that time, I am going to find myself quickly leaning on my own strength, and I know from experience that is not a good thing, and won't end well.

He is more than enough for me.

I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

Oh Lord, help me.