Worshiping, not yelling... and Never Alone!

Early this evening, I found myself on the way out to the farm.

I wasn't yelling.

I was worshiping.  

I was singing loud and strong, along to a worship CD.

I was overcome with awe as I watched the rain clouds break apart, 

the sun start to stream through,

and the trees light up with all their glorious colors.

I didn't feel alone.

God was right there with me.  

Showing Himself to me in His glorious creation and inhabiting my praise of Him.

He has been all along, but I was sinking so much in my own pain and shame that I couldn't or wouldn't see it.

What changed my perspective today?
Nothing has changed.  My situations and struggles are still the same.  The depression is still there, the feeling of being pulled away from people and things... all still there.

However, my perspective has changed.

Yesterday, after the kids had left to go to the farm, I read a friend's blog post.  She said that she would, even in the midst of her own struggles, be interceding for others.  She asked in that post for us to share prayer requests with her.  Tentatively I sought her out via email and shared as briefly as I could where I was at and just asked her to pray as she was able.

I received her reply a little later in the evening.  In the course of her email, she made a suggestion.  She said to find a favorite story of mine in the bible and read it.  But to not just read it, but fully put myself in the story, feeling it with texture, form and substance.

Well, I did as she suggested, right before bed.  I didn't anticipate how God would touch me, but I read the story of the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years.  It was one that was instrumental in my coming to Christ 17 years ago.  I read it out of Mark 5:24-34.

It was powerful, and for some reason, what Jesus said to her at the end of her story on those pages, I felt like I had never even heard before.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." 

Daughter.
Faith.
Healed.
Peace.
Freed.

I was in that story.  I was the woman who had suffered at the hands of many doctors, spent all she had, and was worse off than before.  I was the one so worn and weak, trying to push through the crowd that was crushing Him to just try to touch his cloak.

And His words touched me.  I am His daughter.  My faith has caused me to push through the crowd to find healing in His touch, in the past, and will again.  He spoke to me about going in peace, to cease worrying about what might happen or how it will look, or what I'm even supposed to do.  Just rest in His peace.

He spoke precious words to me of freedom.  Freedom from suffering.  I know we will never be fully free from suffering here in this world.  But when we are looking at our Savior's face, the suffering fades in comparison.  I wrote in my journal last night that maybe I would never be able to shake the depression I suffer from, but maybe I can find peace in it, knowing He is there, He knows what it's like.  Jesus cares and never leaves me alone or drops me off along the road somewhere.

I know God is pulling me away for a season, drawing me apart for a while to spend more time with Him.  He's making room in my life.

For Him.
For me.
For us together.

I will be able to fill up with more of Him.  He will be able to show me the things I need to work through, the healing I need, the sins I need to confess, repent and let go of.  He is spending this time clearing out the junk so that He has room to work, and I can only sit back and watch in amazement as He does His thing.

Jesus was a carpenter you know.  I imagine He loved to work with His hands, taking a bare bit of wood, seeing what it could really become, cutting it, carving it, and shaping it, polishing it until it was a thing of beauty, and able to be used fully for the work it was made for.

He is doing that with me.  He is with you too. He sees the flaws in our bits of wood, and he works with them, turning them into ways His strength and design and plan can be seen.

This depression and depth of despair that I have had may come and go, and never really leave.  But I am working at getting it from my head to my heart - choosing to believe that it will once again be for my good and for His glory.  Depression will keep me weak, forced to depend on Him like no other.  No one else would be able to stand up to the pressure that I would put on them in my deepest need.

Only Jesus can.
Only Jesus has experienced the deepest darkness, the deepest aloneness, the most painful separation, worse than anything we could imagine.

So He knows, He understands, He cares.
And He WILL REDEEM IT ALL.

He will buy back the pain and the agony of our situations.  He will use it somehow in my life, and it will spill over into the lives of others.  He has in small ways already.

I wish that I could have written this yesterday, showing the hope that really was there at the end of that post.  But I didn't see it.  I was drowning, until Jesus stepped in, through the words of my friend, and drew me to His Word where He met me.

I rocked myself to sleep with that story from Scripture last night.  This morning, when I woke, nothing had changed.  Yet, EVERYTHING had changed.  It was enough.  It was so good.

God is so good.  I choose to believe that.  That He is good, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He will never leave me or forsake me.  I choose to believe the truth of His Word.....

....despite what my feelings may say.

May I look back on this post when I am down and depressed and see no hope and remember how He was faithful to me to fulfill His Words of healing, peace and freedom in my life.

Will you choose the truth too?  Will you choose Him?  Will you choose to believe Him and what He says about you, and how much He loves you?  Will you choose His hope with me today?

Yelling and alone

I found myself yelling at God this morning.

Ok, well, I still am yelling, I think, but it's not as out loud as it was in the car.

"I don't want to be alone anymore!"

It seems that as things have gotten harder this year, as things have come up that I need to deal with, as deeper hurts are exposed, things have been changing. 

Humans, as a rule, usually don't like change, aren't a fan of it.  I am no exception to that.  The changes have been from our small group disbanding, to my kids both being in school, to my working through the summer.  Each involve a gain in some way or another, but all involve loss too - and the grieving of it.

I have had God show me some things in my life, using the mirror of His Word and Truth that needed to be gotten rid of.  He has shown me other things about myself that need deeper healing than I have had before in these same areas. 

And I hurt.
And I have been crying.
And shutting down some too.

I don't like this.  I hate this.  In the midst of it all, in the midst of the changes, I find myself without the people around me that I would readily turn to for help, support, wisdom.  Not that we aren't still friends and family, but that our lives are full to the brim, and things seem to keep on getting in the way.

I tried to talk to 2 friends today, but they were distracted with other things and couldn't talk.  I tried to get together with another but she had a schedule conflict that came up, so we had to reschedule for tomorrow.  Two other friends had other things that were going on and had to leave before I could get a hug.

It's all little "piddly" stuff, but at the same time, at the painful place I am in at the moment, it was really hard to deal with.  So I yelled at God.  It didn't make me feel any better though.

Everything - absolutely everything - seems to be getting pulled away from me.  Everyone.

I did get the chance to connect with one friend, but only briefly as she had other things that she had to get to, but she was able to give me 10 minutes on the phone.  It was good.  It was better than nothing.  My conversation with her, of which I can remember very little at the moment, helped me.  Oh, and made me cry all the harder.

We got off the phone and I headed home, where in about a half hour I will have to pick up my daughter from school and then my son.  But I have some peace and quiet here, which is good.  But I am alone.  Sometimes I long for times like this.  I ache to have no demands on me for a period of time.

But today, all I want is a hug.  I know that God is with me.  But right now, I want a hug from someone "real."  I guess I want that physical contact and a shoulder to cry on.

My counselor asked me yesterday, after I shared some things with her, "So, what do you want to do with this?  What do you want to do now?"

I said, "Tricia, I don't even know."

It was quiet for a few moments.  Then she asked me what I was thinking.  By that point, all I could feel was this weight settling in to stay for a while, and I couldn't find the words to tell her even that.  I felt afraid, and didn't know how to tell her that either. 

I did tell her that I would probably be able to answer her question once I got in the car and started driving home.  It wasn't quite accurate.  It took sitting down here at the computer to get it out.

Again, I know God is in all this, but I feel dreadfully exposed and vulnerable.  I gave God permission to do heart surgery, and laid myself out, submitting fully to Him.  He has wasted no time, using things I never expected to pull at me and tear at my heart so I can see where there is more junk to be taken out and cleaned up.

In the process, I feel isolated and alone.  I feel like there is no one to turn to and no help in sight.  I know that this is a faith walk, not a "sight" walk.  But the knowledge in my head isn't helping this raw, aching heart.

I know that God wants me to cling ever harder to Him.  I know He is using this Breaking Free bible study mightily in my life, if not everyone else's.  He's orchestrated this all to coincide in my life for a reason.

But again....

I don't want to be alone!

Maybe I will finally sense His presence here, and continue to submit, rather than curl up around my hurts and try to fix them myself.  In reality, there is no fixing them.  Only God can heal them.  If I will let Him close enough to touch them.

tender hearted

My heart hurts and is very tender this day.

I spent some good time yesterday with God, and then was able to relax with the kids at the farm for a while.  This morning, as I was getting ready for church, God spoke and reminded me of some verses I had read yesterday about repentance.  I just heard the word "repent" in my heart and connected it to the verses I had read the day before.

And, God connected both of those thing with some areas in my life He has pointed out that I need to work on.  Some things that make my flesh squirm in shame and pain.

As I drove to church, I was praying, asking God to help me focus on Him today, and to be able to worship and really hear what He had to say to me through the sermon.  As I did, I heard again the word "repent" in my heart. I caught myself telling Him "later" and stopped.  Why in the world would I do something later that I heard Him ask me to do when I know He's asking it, and that when I haven't responded right away, putting Him off, I feel more distant from Him?

So right there in the car, on the way to church, I did.  I turned it all over to Him and sought forgiveness.  Oh that opened the floodgates of the tears!

I made it safely to church (I was crying while driving) and got in there.  Almost as soon as I walked in, I saw our former pastor and his family here.  I gave him a big hug and greeted his family.  After a moment or two, as others came to greet his wife and daughters, he asked how I was doing.  I said OK, but saw that familiar look in his eyes.... and amended it, saying instead I was making it, but been struggling quite a bit recently again.  He reminded me to hang in there.

Well, little did I know that he was going to be getting up with an announcement at the beginning of the service.  He gave a report on how their fund-raising was going to plant their church, and how the sale of their house was going.  When he was done with that, he shared how during this process of the last month being away from our church, it had been extremely dark and hard and heavy.

Then he said, "I don't know where you are today, or what is going on.  Some of you may be walking in some darkness.  Feeling lost and heavy and having a hard time hanging on.  I just want you to know that God has not dropped you off along the way...."

The words aren't exact to what he said, but the meaning is the same.  I don't really have the rest written down, because I could hardly see Pastor Brad for the tears streaming down my face, and the sobs threatening to overtake me.

I pretty much cried on and off through the rest of the service.

The sermon was good, I was able to connect to God through the worship, and afterward ran into Peter and Donna, my small group leaders.  Peter pulled me aside and we had a conversation, one that I had been expecting, but still hard nonetheless.  I gave him a hug, and started to cry (again).  He reminded me we are still family, and I explained that this, though expected has come on top of some other tough things God is working in and working through and working out, but they are hard.... and it was just one more hard thing today to have confirmed for me.

This pulling apart in my life is really getting old, and it hurts and it has left my heart very raw and vulnerable.

I know God is working on getting me to rely on Him 100% and not leaning on other people first.  Depending on others, and having accountability, and living in community and unity is wonderful.  However if that starts taking the place of going to God first, then He is going to do something about that.

He's been working on my heart for so long now.  Only now am I learning that when I feel His prompting I need to act on it immediately, no matter how inconvenient it might be at the time.  Slowly I am learning to set aside things in my life that are or have been idols.  Slowly I am allowing Him to open up my heart to see the things I still need to work on.  Slowly I am learning to submit myself to Him.... and its a daily thing many times....  submitting myself and submitting my "stuff."

Folks, my heart hurts.  All I want to do is cry.  This growing and stretching thing is really painful.  I know that the Holy Spirit is working.

I. Can't. Do. This.
It's. Too. Hard.

But I have to remember that God is in control.  He has not dropped me off along the way.  He is carrying me, even when I don't feel Him there.  If I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me.

Every little thought of what has happened, just today, pricks my tender heart.  Too much to process, too much to think about, but I don't want to shut down again, so that means I need to live with this tender heart.

God, hold me tenderly this week.  Hold my vulnerable heart in Your Hands and keep it protected and safe.  Guard my mind and heart and soul this week, and continue Your healing in my life.  Somewhere I read this week that to be broken is to be healed.  Well Lord, I feel broken.  So I am choosing to trust that Your healing is following.  I am truly "on the road" with You..... You have shown me that I have a tendency to hang onto You, so I know that I will hang in there with You, but please keep feeding me strength and hope for this process that seems never-ending.

so very precious...

I see something so very precious in front of me, slipping away so fast.

I try to grab it, to hold it together, but it shifts and changes and, what I once knew it as, is gone.

We've been so close, spent so much time together... birthdays, parties, weekly gatherings.

Homes were opened to each other.

Meals were shared.

Hearts were opened to each other.

Tears and laughter were shared.

Now it's a new stage, a new place.

One unfamiliar.

The shape has changed and morphed over the years as it's needed to, slowly growing or shrinking to accommodate its members. Now it's changing again, but suddenly, at least more than ever before.

Still family.

But different.

Hurts and tears still there.

Hugs and comfort still there too.

But its all changed and changing.

What it was, what we were, is slipping away

lost in the past,

but what we are is yet unknown, other than

we are family.

God's changing us and breaking us out of the mold we have been in. We are all tired and need to stretch and straighten and work out the kinks come from being in one place for too long. But we still need each other, just differently.

It comes as a shock, seeing what I feared becoming reality.

But somehow, I know God is in it. He is doing something for all of us, and in all of us.

So something very dear and precious to me is slipping away.

But I know that God replaces good with better, and better with best. Always improving it. Always moving us upward and inward to His "best" He has for us.

So do we hang onto what we know, to what is familiar, or do we let go of this thing that has become so precious to us, and instead, grab onto God and make HIM the most precious thing to us?

Submitting to Him. Surrendering my plans. Letting go of what I love.

Then I can love Him more.

Then I can find Him to be my very all in all.

Then He becomes so very precious

- that when I grab on -

He doesn't ever slip away and disappear.

Submit, resist, come near...

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7-8a

These verses jumped out at me today, and though I have tried to put them away, they seem to fit in with a theme I have been noticing lately.

I have talked about it here.

Surrender.
Letting go.

No matter what I do, God keeps telling me to surrender to Him. I keep asking, "What? What is it you want me to surrender." He just keeps saying "Surrender."

You think by now I would have gotten it. I have been flailing around trying to figure out what I haven't surrendered to him. What in the world have I left out? How could I still be holding back from God? What would I possibly still be holding back from God, and why? Because I know all the incredible things he has done to heal me. There is no reason to hold back.

Then this verse popped up several times today.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God."

I didn't get it really, still don't totally. Now that I have looked back at former verses and gotten the context, it has helped.

The previous verses talked about friendship with the world. Friendship with the world is hatred toward God. God has asked me to give up some things that aren't inherently "bad" but they have caused me to love the world more, idolize some things, and therefore, that makes me an enemy of God. Can that be possible? But the verses refer to how God is a jealous God - the Spirit He placed in us envies intensely.

Because of our (my) tendency to love the world and the things in it, then I must submit myself to God. It's a surrender..... but when I think of a surrender, I think of Him asking me to surrender something specific.

Submitting myself to God is different. It means that I am opening up myself to Him. Submitting. Trusting. Purposely placing myself under His Hand. Allowing Him to work, even when I know its probably going to hurt.

When I am finally ready to do that - you know what happens?

I'm sure you do.

Think about it. You're ready to submit to God's will. You're ready to let go..... and along comes the enemy, with every good and reasonable sounding excuse to wait. To hold on. To take the time to "figure it out" before you actually do what God is telling you to do.

What does the next sentence say?

"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

Resist him - even when you are tired. That is the hardest for me. I just told God this morning that I was tired. So many times I have cried out to God that I am too tired to fight anymore. That's it. That's all I've got, God.

But if I resist. If I allow God to strengthen me in resisting (which He will, especially when I am submitted to Him) the devil will flee from me. FLEE!!!

And when I am feeling so dry and alone and worn, I "come near to God and He will come near to [me]." What a blessing that when I have nothing, if I come near to Him, He doesn't pull away.... He draws closer.

I think of when I am with my kids on the couch. When they push away and won't come closer when I ask, it makes me further from them, and they feel further from me too. But when they submit to my arm around them, when they draw close and snuggle in, it is so natural for me to rub their back, comfort them, love on them.

Isn't that what God does for us too? When I come closer to Him, intentionally positioning myself in His presence, focusing on Him, I feel Him there with me. I can feel Him loving on me and wrapping His arms around me.

Then I am sitting in His lap. I am safe in my Daddy's arms.

Ok, God - here I am. I want it and yet I fight it at the same time, though I know You are trustworthy and true. I am placing myself under Your hands. Under those healing hands of Yours that have done nothing but love, heal and help me. I see my past. I see how You have been so faithful to showing me Your love in spite of it all. I see how You have been so loving and gentle with this fragile heart of mine. I see how You have tenderly taken me and showed me a bit at a time the truth of Your Word. You have shown me the lies and slowly rebuilt my mind to recognize and lean towards the truth, rather than the old worn tapes full of lies from the past.

God, my Daddy, I choose to trust You because I know, even when it is hard for me to believe, that You have my best at heart. Oh come close to me, as I come close to you, because this little girl inside needs some cuddle time in her Daddy's lap!

Time to Break Free...

Tomorrow is the day.

We are starting the "Breaking Free" bible study by Beth Moore at our church. In the end we are going to have a total of 9 ladies (counting myself) once one comes back from a vacation.

This year, I am leading the Thursday morning women's study. Last year another gal was, but she and her family have moved further north of here, and while they are still coming down to our church for Sundays, she has had to back out of other things to be close to home for her kids who are just starting school.

So, I realized that most of the summer was gone and no one else was stepping forward to lead.

I could have let it slide.
I could have let it go.

But all the gals who had done it last year really loved getting together.

I prayed about it some, and reasoned that I would be going to it if someone else led it, and because we'd probably do a Beth Moore study, and the teaching is all done by her, by video, that I could at least facilitate.

And as I thought about it, there were many that were running through my head.... I kept thinking of all the studies she has put out. I kept coming back to one. I couldn't get it out of my head.

I am pretty sure this is the one God hand picked for those of us going through the study. "Breaking Free: Making freedom in Christ a reality in life."

I don't know each of their stories, or where they are on their path with God. But for this moment in time, for this semester, God has caused all our paths to converge, to come together for this study.

I know where I am. I know the struggles I have had. I know the fears I have. The depression I have been battling.

I have been back in counseling. I have been going again, trying to get a handle on what is going on in my life, and in my emotions. I know that I have been walking in freedom, but now something is holding me back. There is something re-surfacing, that I need to work through for further healing.

I think this study is coming at a really good time for me, and for maybe all the others who will be involved.

I also know it will be a great challenge to lead, because of how the enemy attacks when we step into leadership. The old lies and insecurities resurface and the little voice inside starts whispering,

"Who do you think you are? You can't do this! You're nothing. There's no way you can even begin to pray for these people, much less anything else. You are nothing, you have nothing, and if they knew about your past...."

Will you please pray for me?

Will you please pray with me?
Will you pray that everyone who starts will complete the study to the end?
Will you pray for God's truth to penetrate hearts and minds, and that we would be willing to act on what He tells us?

Will you pray for me as I lead, and facilitate and pray for these precious women, these precious sisters in Christ.

Please pray too, that if there is anyone else who is meant to be in the study, they'd just show up. We have a couple of extra books that someone could take.

Pray that God's mighty Spirit would blow through us and change us, and through us, inspire and encourage others to change as well.

I am going to spend the rest of my night tucking in my kids, snuggling into bed and praying/journaling for the study tomorrow, and for my time with Tricia in my counseling session tomorrow afternoon.

May God bless you all!

it's all I've got - no energy to pretend

I don't have the energy to act like things are good, when they aren't.

Not today.

I was able to enjoy time with my kids, and with their grandmother.

Then I left the farm, and headed on some errands. On the way, I checked my home answering machine remotely. There was a message there from Cindy D. As soon as I got to a parking lot where I had good cell reception, I parked and called her.

She is such an encouragement to me, though she doesn't realize it. She is going through so much herself, yet at the same time is so willing to listen to me talk, ask tough questions and share what she is learning as she heals and grows to help me.

We talked for quite a while. By the time I got off the phone, I at least felt like I could drive again, with some sort of attention to the road.

Essentially I was "running away from home" for a while tonight. I wanted to get away from my normal, so that I wouldn't go back to my "normal" mode of behaviors.

By the time I got to the grocery store (keep in mind, after talking with Cindy D. I only went to one other store - briefly) I was exhausted.

One of my friends works there, the wife of our small group leader. She happened to not have any customers, so I was able to talk with her just for a few minutes. When asked how I was doing, I couldn't just say "good." I couldn't. I told her I was ok, that I was really tired and that I missed her and her husband. I was able to tell her that I was struggling, but that was about it as she got a customer at that point.

I got home and ate, and am now writing this.

I am doing better than I was. I felt like I had a small victory tonight and was able to get through. I spent a small amount of time with God - mostly praying as I was walking around the house doing things. Talking to Him more than listening, I think, but it was all I had in me.

I am still fighting the depression, but hope that some sort of semblance of sleep tonight will help me feel better in the morning than I did this morning.

Still a couple of lines from Psalm 143 stick with me.... tonight before I fall asleep.

I may not have them quoted perfectly, but here it goes...

I spread out my hands before you, my soul/heart thirsts for you like a parched land.

and...

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love....

Friends, I am praying tonight that this coming morning will bring me word of His unfailing love. I need the reminder tomorrow morning especially if it is anything like this morning - I need the reminder tonight.

The only thing I left out of the end of that last verse is ...for I have put my trust in you.

I have put my trust in him.... but have I trusted Him with everything in my heart? There is still some holding back there, though I know the right answer. Though I know that eventually I will let Him into "that" place too. Maybe the pain isn't great enough for me to finally give in.

Why does it always end up being that way? The pain needing to be great enough for me to finally cave in and allow Him to heal?

Trusting.

That's a whole other post, and not one this tired soul can go into tonight.

Maybe more on that tomorrow, if I have my thoughts gathered at all.

I don't have the energy tonight.

Not to act like things are good - and not to write well - and not to gather thoughts completely.

this is all I've got, and it's not much... but I guess I'll post it anyway.... it's just where I'm at.

a challenge and Psalm 143

God is still faithful.

God is still good.

I am writing these words as much for myself as a reminder, as for you who are reading.

Last night I went to bed late, worrying and praying for a friend who is really struggling and hurting.

This morning I woke up just before my alarm. As I went to bed so late, I was planning on hitting the snooze until it was time to get my son up for school. But, I was awake. So I dragged this weary body out of bed and curled up under some blankets on the couch. I didn't even have the energy to make coffee. I took my bible with me, but was so tired, and so low in my spirit, I didn't even think I could open it, much less read it.

But I did open it.

I did read.

I opened to the Psalms because those always bring comfort when I feel like this.

Yesterday morning I wrote how I could feel the depression sneaking back in, and this morning, it was there. Not full force, but with my extreme tiredness, it felt worse than yesterday.

My bible opened to Psalm 143.

The whole psalm is wonderful. It spoke directly to where I am at right now. I couldn't have found better words than those already written in this psalm.

You see, yesterday I found myself challenged. I was challenged in an area that I feel God has been speaking to me about for a while now. He decided now was the time. He spoke to me through a friend. He gave me the courage to speak out about what it was. She was the first person to whom I have given voice to these words, this deep concern. I was scared. I was embarrassed. I have been feeling ashamed and running from the problem.

My friend challenged me in another "letting go" and agreed to hold me accountable, be my encourager and to walk with me through this area.

All my life, hiding from my emotions and thoughts and at times God too, have been my specialty. Through the past few years, as God has done major healing, I have learned to embrace my emotions more. Not that it's easy. Many times I have been overwhelmed by them, and chosen instead to run from them and not face them. Tuck them down way inside and not pay attention or let them run their course.

Once I talked to my friend, Cindy, it gave me the courage to agree to the challenge that she gave me.

Once I agree to something, and make a verbal commitment, Cindy knows that I will follow through. It's that part of me that is so responsible, I can't let something go.

So this morning, I felt (and still feel) that the enemy has circled around me and is causing situations to work out that will make me feel more isolated from friends, from God, and it's only deepening the cloud of depression. Things that are going to make it even harder to keep up with this "letting go."

Here is Psalm 143;

O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy;

In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.

Do not bring your servant into judgement,

for no one living is righteous before you.

The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground;

he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.

So my spirit grows faint within me;

my heart within me is dismayed.

I remember the days of long ago;

I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.

I spread out my hands to you;

my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah.

Answer my quickly, O Lord;

my spirit fails.

do not hide your face from me or I will be like those

who go down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in you.

Show me the way I should go,

for to you I lift up my soul.

Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,

for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,

for your are my God;

may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;

destroy all my foes,

for I am your servant.

I read this sitting and watching the sunrise.... meditating on the lines of "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."

God gave me this psalm for this time, to remember that God hears my cries. He sees my struggles, the battle I am in for yet more freedom. I just have to trust Him with all of me.

I am struggling to remember that He just wants me to trust Him. Even when the enemy is raging at me, all God wants is for me to trust Him.

a new book and a new perspective

I found this new book the other day.

Ok, it was 2 days ago. I have almost finished it. That is a record for me when it's a non-fiction book. Course, I am a reader, so that helps.

But really this book is amazing, and though it is bringing up many things, it is opening my eyes to look at some things in my past in a new way.

The book is called "The Invisible Bond," by Barbara Wilson. The subtitle is "How to break free from your sexual past."

The gist of the book is that if we have had affairs, emotional or sexual, or had sex outside of the plan of God, we are carrying these bonds with those people with us into new relationships. It doesn't matter if we were a victim, or if a willing participant, or initiated the incident. We have created a bond with that person. We have bonded to that person, and when we "broke up" we walked away with bits of that person's heart, just as much as they have walked away with part of our heart.

This book tackles what this looks like, how we have been hurt, symptoms of that hurt and how we are "coping" to hide or numb that hurt, or both. And how to heal from those encounters, and how to break those bonds with those people.

If you have been reading my blog long enough you know that I have dealt with some areas like this of bondage to past relationships. I have broken many of those bonds. However, this book is seeming to bring up some of those relationships again.

One of the things I have been praying about is that the enemy wouldn't be trying to get me to "re-hash" stuff that isn't a problem.... bring up things that are already taken care of.

I don't want him to try to say "Well, really look how much you were hurt. You aren't really healed from that.." etc and open up old wounds that are really being healed (or have been).

Rather, I want to see God take this book, and use some of the exercises within it to help point me to some areas that need further healing. There are already one or two things that are very vivid in my head that I think I am going to have to work through with Tricia.

A while ago, I mentioned that Tricia had said that my friend's passing away was the icing on the cake, but what was the cake.... I didn't know at the time.

I still don't for sure. I wonder if a couple of these memories are part of the cake. I don't know that they are, and to my mind it doesn't seem to make sense that they would be. But I suppose sub-consciously they could be. The effects of not being fully healed from them, the resulting pain, and the coping mechanisms that I have been using surely could be what are causing me some problems.

All I know is this book has been a really good tool for me to assess what is really going on in my life and heart, where I felt I didn't have a tool, and that I was walking into counseling these last few times, feeling like I was running blind. I think that Tricia has felt the same too.

Running blind isn't a bad thing because it makes you rely on God. However it is really hard at times when you know you only have a limited time with someone and then end up really only getting to some of the "meat" of what's going on at the very end of that hour.

I am continuing to pray for God's wisdom and guidance.

I want the healing, but at the same time, I am afraid of it.

But I know that God is faithful, and because I have gone through facing tough stuff before, I proceed with more hope than I did before, because I have experienced the freedom of healing.

I feel the depression sneaking back in again, and I am trying to fight it. I have been extremely busy with work, so that has helped distract me, but every time I go into the weekend, I find myself crashing. Please pray for me as I go into the next few weeks here, hormonal issues could become a problem again, right at the point where I will be needing to hit tough stuff.

I hate the constant struggle, but this morning as I am able to think rather clearly, I know that struggle is worth it all because it draws me closer to my Jesus.

May I remember that in the days to come, and come back and read these words again as a reminder to myself that God is faithful.

Confirmation

It isn't easy when something you are sensing is confirmed by God.

A week ago, Cindy asked me if I felt ignored by her. I told her no, because I know the circumstances she has been going through. We have talked on the phone several times and seen each other at church, but not really had the chance to get together. I was able to tell her "no" truthfully.

I know in my head I am not abandoned by her. I also know that my other friends that I am close to haven't abandoned me either. Some have had other issues that they have had to deal with. Circumstances and odd schedules have caused us to not be able to see each other, or not be able to talk to one another.

It is how life is sometimes. I know that if I needed them, I could call and they would be here in a minute.

So again, I know in my head I am not abandoned. I know it in my heart for the most part too.

But there are still emotions that tug at me, and make me feel so alone.

I wrote that in my journal the other day.

"I feel lonely."

I shared it with Tricia. She confirmed what I felt God has been telling me all along.

Sometimes God allows people, friends to fall away, to the point that our only recourse is to focus totally on Him. In those times of loneliness there are the opportunities to fall away, and to turn to other things for comfort, to allow our focus to be turned away from God. There are the chances that we will stop, stuck in bitterness and frustration and we just hold still and we don't let go.

I have been there. Years ago I was in such a position. Friends were stripped away. I literally felt naked and exposed. From time to time I looked only to God. Other times I tried to make due with other things, whether it was working, reading, TV, anything else to distract me from the pain of betrayal, loneliness and bitterness I felt.

I did hang onto God. Or I wouldn't be where I am today.

That helps me now.

I have not been betrayed now, like I was back then.
I don't feel naked and exposed, like I did back then.

I am vulnerable, like I was. Somehow this feels different. I know I am healthier than I was back then. I feel different and that is a good thing. But I don't want to "muscle through" this on my own strength but rather rely on the strength of my Savior. The cutting away of things is really hard though.

I am loved. I am cared for. My friends are still here, they are still close. But without the closer conversations and contact, and feeling distant because they are having struggles too that they need to focus on, I still feel lonely.

I hate that lonely, empty feeling. I have had it too many times in the past.

I read something a couple of days ago about keeping my gaze so focused on Jesus that the rest of the world fades into background noise. To the point that all I can see is His face. His smile. His delight in me. Then, even if I stumble, even if I fall, even if I falter and get afraid, if my gaze is focused on Him, it will be ok. In the end it will be ok..... and it will be better than ok.

Because more than ever, He will be my all in all.

Then I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend to those I love so much in my life. I will be less of me and more of Him.

But that means I have to trust Jesus right now with everything.

Like I talked about in an earlier post, its about letting go. Tricia confirmed that too - so did another friend I talked to on Wednesday night.

This is all about letting go. Not letting go of friendships and friends and walking away, but trusting God to keep those friendship - trusting my dear friends to His hands (way better than my hands at holding close those I love).

Letting go so that my hands are empty and open to Him to receive from this time what He would have me learn. He would have me learn more deeply that He loves me. He is reliable. I am His beloved, and He is mine.

I still hate this lonely feeling though.
It makes me afraid.
It causes me to flail around looking for some way to connect with someone, or to fill the emptiness.

I know that having everything else cut away for a time is good. It's good for me. Its a refining process. But it still hurts.

I also know it is temporary. It is necessary. I have needed time to grieve, to focus on my family, to get the kids ready for school, to get necessary things done for work.......

....... and God has provided someone else. A friend. A counselor.

With Tricia back in my life - as a counselor - I have had some stability.

There has been the initial regaining of trust, getting to feel comfortable with her, enough to be open and honest and raw. There are still things that I'm afraid to tell her, or I down play the significance of. That will decrease.

God has placed her there as a steadying influence when all else is seeming to go haywire, to keep me focused on Him, to keep me going the right direction, and to point out the things and confirm the things that He is already speaking to me.

I still don't like confirmation of things that seem to be happening in my life.

But God used Tricia to show me that it's ok to have these times, as long as I respond to them, and go through them, in a healthy way. We are going to still be working on these things. It won't go away that easily, but I know that there are reasons behind everything that has been going on.

I need my Jesus more than I ever had before. I am entering new territory, new waters, new challenges, and new opportunities. God is growing me for something through these hard times.

I am praying that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone.

Please pray for me that I will be able to find those times to retreat with God. I need that so badly. I am struggling with how this schedule is going to work with school and dropping kids off and needing time for myself and God in the morning.

If I don't have that time, I am going to find myself quickly leaning on my own strength, and I know from experience that is not a good thing, and won't end well.

He is more than enough for me.

I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.

Oh Lord, help me.

Anxiety, and intentional self-care

Yup, I was right.

I worked myself up really well today and tonight.

By the time I got to the orientation with my daughter at her school, I could hardly manage to sit in on it, I was so anxious. I was sick-to-my-stomach-anxious.

When we got home, I managed to get all the things that I think Peter will need into his back pack. All his school supplies are there already, dropped off at his open house last week. So, its just some residual paperwork that had to be signed and turned in to the teacher.

When I got home with Marina, the house was quiet, so I put in a favorite movie, and got her settled in.

Then I went and changed into my pj's and took some of my medication to help my anxiety.

I have 2 different types. One is supposed to be for panic attacks, as they are happening because it is fast acting. The other is a longer term (12 hour) medication to control generalized anxiety. I can use them in combination because sometimes I will still have a panic attack at times while on the longer lasting medication.

I started with the 12 hour med. tonight. Hmm... after about an hour I realized that I still felt like I couldn't breathe and had a tight band around my chest and I was still sick to my stomach. So I went and took half of one of the pills that is for my panic attacks. Just half a dose (the whole thing might have made me too sleepy).

I can breathe a bit better, and maybe enough now to be able to concentrate on praying and writing, as I may not have much of a chance in the morning.

It depends on how the morning plays out, and if I can get up early enough to spend some time in the Word before I have to get Peter to school.

In the summer, I have had the luxury of getting the kids to the farm, or leaving them with dad on some mornings, so that I can get to the church early... some days way earlier than I need to be. Those days I have been able to have as much as 45 minutes sometimes before I actually start work. I have curled up in the sanctuary with some hot coffee, my bible and my journal. Sometimes I have brought in worship music and played at the piano first to focus me and my thoughts.

Now I am going to have to rearrange things for this school year. There is no way that I am going to be able to get in there that early anymore. Not with dropping off either one or two kids, at two different schools before hand. Even on a good day, I might not be able to get there more than 10 minutes early when I have to drop off both kids. When I have to drop off only Peter, I might make it with 20 minutes extra.

Hey, I know I sound like I am complaining. But I have had a really hard time with getting up early in the morning. And with my house in the horrible condition it's in, I have little space to call my own to do a quiet time before I leave home. My desk isn't even a sanctuary because my laptop is on it, and it has piles of paper EVERYWHERE!!!

I need my time with God, now more than ever. I don't know how or when I will get it. But oh, do I need it.

Please pray for me in this area too.

I feel like I am sounding so selfish that the "kids are putting me out by interfering with my time with God" and though I know that the condemning thoughts aren't from God, they are hard to counter.

I have always felt selfish when caring for myself. I know getting good sleep, writing, spending time with God, and having some alone "me" time are parts of self care that I really need to work on.

But I still feel selfish when I take them.
I feel like there are people who look at me and judge me for taking that time out.
Or there are times when I feel like I am getting a cold shoulder because I have taken that time.

So then I stop.

And then I suffer.

Depression.
Exhaustion.
Disconnection.
Anxiety.
Fear.
Overwhelmed.

And thus the enemy has used lies to get me to stop taking care of myself. In the process, I have spiraled down again. And I feel like I have to start over at square one. Again. And again.

So, as the school year starts, with both kids being in school, I have to seek out the times that I can carve out (even unlikely ones) to care for myself. Caring for myself physically and caring for myself spiritually as well.

I know I have to pursue this intentionally or there will be so many things that crowd in on me that I will not be able to handle it.

My medication has worked enough that I can breathe now, and I can focus enough to write. That is a plus....

....Now with an intentional decision, I am shutting down this computer, and climb into bed with my bible and journal for a bit of time with God before I completely fall asleep.

Letting go...

First thing I have to say is that this weekend's Baptismal Service was incredible.

I think I cried through the whole thing, listening to the stories these people had to tell of God's incredible grace and pursuit of them.

And now I know for sure that I was not supposed to be up there with them. After the service was done, I walked away thinking that it was a really good thing I didn't talk to anyone about it. (Well, at least at church anyway)

That part of the day was wonderful, and I was so excited for my friend and her son who were baptized together, prayed for each other up there, and had the courage to get up and share their stories. I was so thrilled for them that afterward I think I hugged them both about three times!

God is so good.

That night, we had a celebration and farewell for our associate pastor and his family. They are planting a new church in a town about 20-25 minutes north of us. Oh, it was so hard to say goodbye that night. Many people gave testimonies of how this pastor and his family have impacted their lives.

My husband made a DVD of pictures put to songs, as a digital scrapbook for them. We showed that at the end, and it helped lighten the mood a little bit. There were many tears shed that night though.

Yesterday morning, as a staff we got together with Pastor Brad, one last time as part of our weekly staff meeting. We were just able to share and talk and enjoy our time together, and it was just good time together.

Once we got back to the office, it was like a normal day, as we were all running about our business and he had a meeting in the morning, and had to run out for some others during the day.


Today is something totally different. He is here with his family cleaning out his office.

He was our associate pastor, but also our youth pastor. He had tons of pictures, posters, books, files, and many other things all over his office. Of all the offices here, it seemed the most "homey" and the most comfortable and inviting. It was a restful, peaceful place that many were invited into during the course of his 12 years here in official ministry.

Now, most of the things are moved out of Pastor Brad's office.

He only has a few more things to go, one of them being his personal desk that has a glass top, under which are many pictures, quotes, bible verses and cards.

His girls and wife are carting things out one at a time. The walls are bare, and he is patching up the holes.

That's the external activity going on. But let me tell you, the internal turmoil in me is matching the level of external turmoil.

I had a doctor's appointment for the kids this morning, early. I was told one thing by their doctor about my son's bee allergy and his need for close access to his EpiPen (he is 6 and a half). He recommended that it be with him all the time. When I talked to the school nurse, she said that he should have a fanny pack that can have one in it in the classroom for him, and then when he heads to gym or the library or recess, he can just take that with him. I left the EpiPens with her, and told her I would get a fanny pack.

When I had the chance to talk to my husband (he's a nurse by profession) he strongly disagreed that Peter needed to carry it on him at all times. He didn't want him having to hang onto it all the time. He felt carrying it to gym, etc was just "too much." We didn't get to talk about it too much as we were both at work, and I hope to discuss it with him later.

I see both sides. Yes, we want Peter to have one within quick reach, in case he gets stung by a bee. We don't know if he will have another systemic allergic reaction again or not. We have to be prepared. However, my son has a tendency towards fear and worry. I don't want him to be constantly consumed with concerns and worries about if he has the EpiPen with him or not.

Over the summer, he has come to trust that we will carry one with us, so that when he is with us he is fine - the same with his grandparents. I really don't want that to change, so I am not sure how to balance what his doctor said with my son and his reactions to things and the reality of how quickly an allergic reaction could happen.

And I have just realized that I am really having a hard time with letting Peter go back to school without knowing what is going to happen to him, and having to trust that God will take care of him when he isn't with me.

I have trusted that to a certain extent this summer, because for the most part Peter has been near me or someone else who will remember the EpiPen. But what about when he is in school? What about the lunch room, or recess, or the gym class going out the the football field (too far away from an EpiPen if it's left behind) and he gets stung?

I have to let go of control.
A letting go.
Letting God.

And my pastor is moving out of his office.
Planning on not being here tomorrow.

Did I mention that I really don't like this?

It hurts to see him go. It's going to be really quiet around here... and we are going to be missing a key person in our church. There is something about this man of God that breathes life into a room when he walks in.

A loss to grieve.

Though he really is no more than about a half hour from our church, in reality, I know that I won't be seeing much of him anymore. At least not for a while as he establishes his ministry and his own church.

I don't like the idea of walking out of here at the end of the day and having to say goodbye to him.

Another letting go.

I have re-read this post, and it is such a mix of concerns and worries and topics. I am sorry, but this post, much like my head, is a jumble of things. I have no time to slow down between now and bed to even think about these things, much less process them and work through them.

I feel overwhelmed and not able to deal with it all because I am working as well, so I don't know HOW to! I can't be there all the time, and I don't have the down time to work it all out, and somehow I have to come home tonight and get Peter ready for school tomorrow, and have something ready to tell his teacher about the EpiPen, if he isn't going to be carrying it around with him all the time.

Then I have to come to work tomorrow morning, knowing that Pastor Brad's office will be empty. I may not even be able to pull away a whole lot tomorrow morning because I will be dropping off Peter at school, so I will be getting to work maybe only 15 minutes early, rather than the 35-40 minutes that I have been used to. I won't get my time in the sanctuary with God the way I want.

Oh please pray for this mother's heart.
Pray for me as again, I have to let things go.

I can't control it all - I know that - but I am a control freak I guess.

Oh God, take control. Help me let go. To trust my children to you. To trust my husband to you. To trust my job to you. To trust my friends to you. And to truly hand them over to you... not yanking them back again. Help me in the letting go, to have peace.

For the most part...

This week has been pretty good.

For the most part.

I have pushed back the depression.

For the most part.

I have written in my journal and expressed my emotions to God.

For the most part.

I have worked on trying to enjoy the pleasant moments that come to me.

For the most part.

But today, though it's sunny out and there is a warm gentle breeze in the air, I'm tired.

I have laundry to do, and somehow come up with a dinner plan with what I have in the house. I'm too tired to go out and buy something, anything to make the meal plan easier or better.



This weekend we have a special Sunday. There is going to be a baptism. Not just of one person, but of about 6 or 7. Four of them are new believers within this past year or so. One couple is a mother and her son.

I am so excited for them!

We are centering our whole church service around them. Our pastor might say a little bit as a reflection, but their testimonies are going to be our sermon really. I mean, who can refute what God has done in their lives? What else could possibly convict us more of any sins or encourage those of us who are discouraged?

I know that God is going to work and it's going to be a special weekend and I celebrate with them.

For the most part.

I think part of me is jealous a little bit. I mean, I was baptized as an adult believer. At this church. I did it back in November of 2002. My husband had already been baptized not long after he had become a Christian. I never had. I felt that my public confession of faith was when I was confirmed in front of the church that Dave and I were eventually married at.

I never saw the need to be baptized as an adult. I was baptized as a baby, and I knew that wasn't right, or enough. I knew after I became a believer that there had to be more, a public confession. So, I was discipled by a Lutheran pastor and he did a special confirmation service for me, in front of that whole church, with my family in attendance.

The reason I was baptized at this church was because it was a requirement to become a member.

I agreed with that.

For the most part.

The other part of me was, well, not exactly happy. I didn't think that because I wasn't baptized as a believing adult, but instead did a public confession through confirmation as a believing adult, that I should be "barred" from membership in the church.

I did it, as I look back on it, because it was a requirement to become a member of the church. Something I had to do. To me then if felt like a hoop made by man to "jump through" to qualify. It was something that I had to do so that I could become part of this family that I so wanted to be a part of. To be accepted.


I was reflecting on this the other day, and realized that I wish I could be baptized again. But this time with the right attitude behind it. I think the wish behind it was that I really would make it a public confession. To my family. To Dave's family. When I was baptized in 2002, I didn't tell any of them. I kept it quiet, because to me it was just a requirement for membership at the time.



I won't be baptized again, because that isn't what adult baptism is about. It is about a public confession that someone has turned away from their old life, and given their hearts and lives to Christ. I have already publicly confessed that.

I guess what I want is a special touch. From God.

For the most part.

I need something tangible. I want something tangible. I want something public(ish). Not to get attention, but to finally get to the point of laying down some things. Some things that I have been carrying and not really told anyone about - it's just been me and God - and my counselor with some of it.

Our church doesn't do alter calls. It used have times during one service a month where people could come forward for special prayer. It is an option (not widely known, I don't think) that people can have the Overseers of our church come and anoint them with oil and lay hands on them and pray for/over them.


I don't really know how to express what I desire in my heart, or what I need. I don't know what else to say.

I am still struggling with finding this depression coming back down on me so hard... even though I am not in the same place I was before, it still feels the same... that suffocating darkness.

I struggle with letting things get between me and God. I turn away from them, then go back to them, then turn away from them again. And I feel guilty

I would love to have those things "washed away" though I know that baptism really won't do that.

I guess I would really love to have someone else to pray over me, for me. My small group leader and his wife are more than overwhelmed, with Henry's death, with their own problems, with the different needs and hard times all of us have gone through individually. Besides, we haven't met for a month.

I don't really know how to put things into words well right now.


I am so thankful that God knows my heart. I am so grateful that He can redeem anything - including my attitude and interior motives when I was baptized. I am so glad He can redeem the bad things out of my past. Redeem and buy back and restore the things that depression takes away from me.

And oh, His forgiveness and patience with me. Though I find myself clinging to worthless idols. When I cling to God, His grace covers me.

I know Jesus is more than enough for me. I know that He can take so many things that are bothering me in my life right now, things that are struggles and love me through them and keep me in His arms and that He can cover it all. He is more than enough for all my mistakes.

This weekend I will see and hear the testimonies to those very things. In the lives of people that I care about, and those I am just starting to get to know.

So, I will rejoice with them.

For the most part.

Because that other part of me still wishes for that chance to "do over" my baptism. That other part of me wants to be up there with them.

But this is their story.
Mine is different.

But God has authored them all.

Redeem this....

This title was borrowed from someone else.... actually from her post.

I have been reading her blog for a while now. Many of her posts stand out to me for many different reasons, and I keep going back.

I wouldn't have Lyla's job for all the world. Assessing other people's damages, losses to fires, storms, etc... to figure out how much it is all worth in dollars, and having to separate herself from the incalculable losses of things that can't be replaced......

Things that can't be redeemed....

Except by God.

Please do take a moment to read her post,

"Redeem This"

It's well worth the time.

Pleasant happenings...

So Tricia asked me to take note of pleasant things that happened....

I have labeled them before as "joy moments."

One of my friends from college caught this phrase.... and reminded me of it in her comment in my last post....

"another joy moment: a perfect grilled cheese sandwich. :) "

She was referencing a post I made on Facebook about the perfect grilled cheese sandwich.

Start your griddle or frying pan to heat on medium. Butter a piece of bread on one side, place it butter side down. Put down your cheddar cheese (note: Velveeta WILL NOT DUE) and sprinkle a little bit of garlic powder. Then cut up a nice big ole slice of garden fresh tomato (I used a golden one, just picked today) and lay that on top of the cheese. Put down the other piece of bread, butter side up, and grill (both sides) till the cheese is gooey, or till you can't stand to wait any more.

Sigh.

That's making me hungry again.

Another joy moment tonight.
I had three right in a row!!!

First it was that grilled cheese sandwich.
Then I got to sit next to my hubby on the couch and watch Mythbusters on Discovery Channel.

Then I got to walk my friend's dog. My friend is staying with us for a while, and since she is gone overnight, I got to walk her dog tonight. Let me tell you, I think I tired both of us out. I haven't kept up that pace of a walk in a long time! :)

It was really great. A brisk walk, cool night air, a perfect breeze.... and the pooch actually decided to listen to me tonight and heeled the whole way!!!

So, three great things.

Three pleasant happenings.

All in one night.

I'm sure there are more, like my daughter snuggling me this afternoon when she wasn't feeling well. An unknown man stopping to assist me when my lawn mower would start but not keep running (he spent over an hour fixing it for me!!!) Never got his name, but am eternally grateful. What a blessing he was! My son made it through getting his six yr. old molars sealed, and 2 bad cavities filled. And he was so brave about it, he didn't even need me in the room with him... and there are still more.

I can't pass over these pleasant happenings.

These joy moments.

God is good.

What I walked away with today....

I walked out of my appointment with Tricia today, feeling by far much better than I have in a long time.

I didn't hold anything back from her that I could think of, not knowingly anyway. I told her how frustrated I had been in our last session and going back to work out of it. She nodded and said that she had been able to tell.

When I shared how I had exploded more or less once the church was empty that night, she also said that she was pretty sure she had left me in a fragile state when I walked out of the office, but she didn't want to say that in case she planted a thought that wasn't really there. Boy, I'm glad things didn't get worse than they did last week, or there would have been some pieces to be picked up!

We talked about what God has done this week. How He has worked, and just how He used that frustrating session last week to get me just out there enough to talk to Sandy about it, a little, after a lot of prying on her part. Her persistence and her verbally forgiving me, and reminding me that Henry wouldn't want me to beat myself up either, and that I was by far more important than anything else.... that changed me, though I didn't know or recognize it at the time.

I didn't recognize it until I was sharing the things of the week with Tricia and she started praising God right there in the middle of it. She got so excited she nearly jumped up and down! Slapped her clipboard down on the footstool between us, and out loud praised God for how He works all things together.

Because, as I now realize it, He did. He worked this past week - the pain - the hurt - the guilt - the frustration from my session - my conversation with Sandy - my tiredness - my lowered defenses - into a healing for me. Not fully, but a lightening of the load.

Maybe that's part of why I walked out of Tricia's office today feeling lighter.

Is the depression gone?
No.
I wish it were that easy.

I wish I could say, "Nah, I don't really need to come back. I'm fine now."

However, I would probably be back in 6 months or a year, burned out and worse than I am now.

I told Tricia that there are better days than others. Sometimes I am too busy to notice the depression except in passing. Other days it nearly debilitates me and makes me non-functional. Sometimes I am ok, and experiencing a pleasant moment, but I can see the dark clouds on the horizon, and wonder when the storm is going to hit, how fast it is moving, and how severe it's going to be.

Tricia said to me that she was feeling that Henry's death was just the icing on the cake for me. The she looked at me and asked me what the cake was... expecting an answer. What did I say?

I. Don't. Know.

We don't know what that "cake" is under the icing. Neither of us do. Maybe there is nothing there, maybe there is another layer from previous things that needs to be addressed. Really we don't know, but there were some things that were brought up today (for another post) that are things to explore.

Tricia prayed for both of us at the end of our session today. She prayed for me that I would be able to see the good times and essentially experience the "joy moments" and for guidance and help for the worship rehearsal tonight, and my job and the upcoming events that are causing me stress.

She prayed for herself that God would give her the wisdom to know how to help. That He would grant her discernment in how to continue to develop a treatment plan for me, and that she would have His wisdom in everything and every way.

I came out of Tricia's office today with two things from her to remember.

Three things though I have walked away with.

One: When I have something pleasant happen, enjoy it. Take note of it. Experience it. Don't just blow by it unnoticed and unappreciated. From the simple sun on my face, to a quiet snuggle with the kids, to an unexpected but wonderful talk with my husband.

Two: Don't go digging too deep. Don't try to over analyze what is going on with me, or the "why's" that want to show up. Let God show things as He will, but don't go digging for them or too deeply before I'm ready.

And this is the one that I am really adding on to the list... not something Tricia specifically sent me away thinking about. This is one that I have only realized now, after writing a brief email to Cindy (and oh, I can't wait to talk to Cindy D. about this too!)

Three: I have walked away from this appointment with a little smoldering wick. This bruised reed that I am is carrying a little flame that I thought was gone. In the face of it all, I do have one thing back, just from this session with Tricia. And now I have a name for it.

HOPE.

one of those days...

There are those days for me when I don't want to go back and see Tricia, my counselor.

Sometimes they are days when I am doing poorly, or frustrated, or really depressed and feeling like there is no hope, so why go at all.

Then there are the days where I am feeling better. I feel and see hope. I am able to focus. I am able to hear a bit from God again... at least a little.

In both of those cases, I feel like I am going to be wasting Tricia's time and my money. What's the point of going, because maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill?

Yesterday was one of those days that I was feeling better. It was quiet in the office because everyone is gone on vacation except for me, so there were no incoming calls. I was able to spend some good time with God before work started. But it was more than that.

Over the end of last week, I spent a good amount of time at Sandy's house. She is dog sitting but was out of town the first couple of days, so I was the temporary stand in. I went over to her house three or four times a day between Thursday afternoon and Saturday afternoon.

I was able to have some nice quiet time in Sandy's house, both Thursday night and Friday morning. When I came back on Friday night, I found I kept looking over at Henry's empty recliner.

I finally got up.
I couldn't refuse the inner prompting I was getting.

I walked over to his chair, sat down and curled up in it. Then the tears came. Oh I cried! I don't know for how long, but do know that I had limited time there, so I had to keep it relatively short.

The next morning when I went back to let the dog out, we came back inside and I did the same thing again, curled up in Henry's recliner and cried for a while.

All I can say from the experience was that I felt like it was the closest I was going to get right now to that hug from my Daddy that I need so badly. That hug from my Papa.

Maybe a little bit more healing took place then. I am not sure. But that may have affected how I felt yesterday. Better, and more able to work and concentrate.

I'm not sure what God is doing. I am struggling with surrendering some things to Him and of course everywhere I look, I see and read about surrendering to Him. Letting go. Abandoning our jars, like Joy said, rather than clinging to them ourselves, believing they are the most important thing, and that we can't live without them.

Sunday morning I got to church well before anyone else. I spent some time praying through the church, and praying for the service. Something in me caused me to get on my knees and I just lifted up my hands to God and asked Him to take all of me and use me that morning.

I can't say I "felt" any different, but I think it gave me a new outlook on the day.

That wasn't the specific surrender that God has been asking for. He is looking for me to give up some specific things, and I have been less than willing to listen, less than willing to try it His way. You see, I have these "default" coping mechanisms. Things that I automatically do or think, that I use when either I want to run from God or run from the emotions I am experiencing at the time.

It can be generally ok things like reading, playing on the computer, watching TV or a movie.... It can be some not so healthy things like over eating or impulsively running out to get something specific to eat if I don't have it in the house, or just plain impulsive shopping.

But they become bad things when they come between me and God. I know that. but I am running back over and over to the same old defaults and not to God with my emotions or pain or frustration.

Why am I so afraid to go to my Father? Isn't that what I have been saying all along? That I need my Daddy?

Maybe that is why, when it comes time to going to counseling, I don't want to go, or I have one of "those days" where I feel like I shouldn't go. Because maybe Tricia will be able to help me answer those questions. Maybe she will be able to help me get at the root of why I am running away rather than running to God.

Whatever the stronghold might be (if there is one) or the bondage that might be there, of course the enemy of my soul and yours doesn't want it broken apart. So he comes at me either subtly by giving me such a good day that I can try to talk myself out of going. Or he comes at me with such a horrible day that I just want to skip it because what's the point when there's no hope....

I'm going to counseling tomorrow.
I'm going.
I'm not sure I'm fully willing, but I'm going.

And if the Lord will make me even willing to be willing, maybe something will start to change. Maybe I won't have so many of "those days," and won't be so afraid of the hard work and change going to see Tricia will make me do.

four hours...

Four hours.

Four. Hours.

That's how long I played the piano today.

Four.
Hours.
Straight.

I am filling in for our normal pianist for worship team. She had picked the music sets already for me, but there was a song or two that were really hard, as they were new and I had a hard time singing and playing them at the same time.

Did I mention they are also putting a mic on me at the piano? I'm singing too.

So, I pulled out the song that I couldn't sing AND play. Then I tried to fit in another song. Then that didn't work with the ones around it, and lo and behold, I kept only one of her songs in that set, and rearranged everything else.

It turned out well.

But it meant I really had to practice a lot tonight. So I started at 5pm after I was done with work. I played till almost 8pm took a 15 minute break, and then started rehearsal with the worship team - till 9:15pm or so.

It was hard work. My hands, fingers and arms aren't used to that hard work. On top of that, the grand piano at church has a harder touch than my piano at home, so I have to press the keys harder. Thus, more muscle work out.

However.

I spent 4 hours... on the piano... playing...
worship music.
playing and singing worship music.

To my God.

I may be exhausted. My voice is almost gone. My fingers can hardly type this. However, I think it was worth it.

God did something through that. The words must have sunk through to my sub-conscious. So, even when I was all worried about the chords and music and technical aspect, the truth about which I was singing somehow permeated me and touched my heart and soul where it needed it.

I didn't realize it till I got home.

I spent a bit of time with some friends, talking in the parking lot for a few minutes after I was done. Just hanging and finally relaxing from the day. It was a nice end to the day. Worship and then a little bit of fellowship and laughter with some friends.

I came home lighter than I went to work, by far.

God did that, folks. It was NOTHING I did at all.

I still have the same problems...
I'm still exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically....
I'm still grieving....
I still have guilt and the strong desire for forgiveness...

But God worked in my heart and reminded me that He still loves me.

One of the songs we sang talked about how God is mighty and strong to save.

"Oh what a Savior, freedom forever!
We lift our hands with chains undone.
Hearts have known mercy,
Cannot keep silent.
We sing a song of saving love."

Amazing words.
About our amazing God.

MY amazing God.

I am still extremely exhausted, but the very long day was worth it in the end...

My Father met me in a way I didn't expect and gave me a measure of peace tonight. It's enough to get to sleep with. I know He will give me enough for this weekend of crazy family stuff. He will give me enough to get through worship this Sunday, and He will use me to help lead others in worship. If I can do that, it will be more than enough.

Because He is more than enough.

He showed up for four hours.

Four.
Hours.

It was worth the time.

anger, shame and guilt

I don't know how to share what I want to - or even if I want to.

I am so mad, so angry at myself.

Yesterday, I thought it was at God.

Last night the guilt and shame kicked in, and I realized the anger was all directed at myself.

I read my "no send" letter to Tricia yesterday. It had been really hard to write. I couldn't write it until Saturday night, which was a bad idea, as then my brain didn't shut down and I had a hard time sleeping.

After I shared it, we talked about one of the main things that came up over and over in the letter. I had to give her all the back ground information so she knew the history, because this was something that I never talked about when we had counseled before.

At the time, there were other, more important, or at least pressing and debilitating things that needed addressing. So it never came out.

Until now.

Maybe God decided that I was ready for this, that I had the strength for this.

I think He is wrong.

The more we talked, the more agitated I became. At the end I apologized for picking at her pillow. I said something about being afraid I would pick it apart. She laughed and said that it has seemed to hold up pretty well so far.

We went over our time together a few minutes, but she still took the time to pray with me. That started some tears... a little bit. Then as we stood up and she offered me a hug, I almost lost it right then and there. I started to cry a little more, the tears really threatened to take over, but I was forcing them down, though I was shaking and I knew she could tell.

She pulled back and looked at me right in the eye. She asked me if I was upset with her for spending our whole time on the subject we did.

"No, not really," and then I paused and corrected myself, "I guess a little." It still wasn't the whole truth, but closer to it.

She accepted what I said, and encouraged me a bit more and then sent me on my way. As we walked out, we were going to set up an appointment, but I didn't have my calendar with me. I had to go back to work to get it... so we said that we would aim for 2 weeks out.

I left the office, walked down the hall, rounded the corner and ran into the bathroom that was there, locking the door behind me. I dropped my bag and slid down the wall, collapsing on the floor.

All I could say was, "Really? Really God?"

And the tears came, fast and hard.
Then I heard someone jiggle the door handle, wanting to use it, but finding it locked, I heard them walk away.
That stopped the tears.

I left the bathroom shortly after and took the stairs down the 3 floors. (I don't like elevators)

I made it back to work, and called to set up my next appointment. I tried for 2 weeks out, but my schedule didn't coordinate well with Tricia's. So I am going to see her next week, on Wednesday. It ends up being 9 days apart, rather than 14. But it was the best I could do without going out about 3 weeks or so.

After my appointment with her, I wasn't sure I wanted to go back, but I think God orchestrated it so that I could only get that appointment to work out in my schedule. I was so raw yesterday (and still am today) that I wasn't sure that I could wait even that long.

Now I know that I am going to be able to make it that long.

I have the chance this weekend to have some time alone. The kids are at the farm. Dave is working. I am going to try to get away from the house, and get away to a private place if possible (if my back yard doesn't work out) and process through some of the stuff we talked about.

I am not able to manage to do too much right now, or think to hard about what we talked about. Even writing this post is extremely hard.

This morning I was able to pray some on the way to work. I got there extremely early for me; I beat both of the pastors there. I grabbed some worship music and went to the piano and played for a while, and finally was able to sing some. God doesn't let me get away with singing and not really feeling the words.... so it helped break through some of the self imposed numbness.

It was a good start to the day. Probably the best I felt all day. Because as the day continued, my anxiety climbed, and I felt worse and worse. I am a bit better now, and ready to head to bed. I wasn't intending on writing today, because I didn't think I had anything to write about.

I guess I was wrong.

I know God is faithful. I know He is sovereign. I know He loves me. I know all this in my head. The guilt is overwhelming and the shame makes me want to hide. My emotions and the things I know have to be lies are over-riding the truth.

counseling and conscious shut-down...

I was planning on writing tonight about how my counseling session went with Tricia this afternoon.

I don't think I can yet.

I still need to process.

I will tell you, I was able to go back to work somehow afterward. But it wasn't pleasant, and thankfully I had less than an hour to work before I could go.

I will tell you, I spent a bit of time in the sanctuary after everyone was gone, yelling at God, feeling shame, confusion, guilt and lots of pain, mixed in with some despair too. Sure makes for a great combination (I'm kidding of course... hope you sensed the sarcasm intended there).

I will tell you that I very consciously shut down on my way home. I had to function tonight. I had to help with swim lessons. I had to somehow cope and deal with family life without falling apart.

So, I let myself yell in the sanctuary, and the car as I started my drive home. But I got to the end of a street, not far from the church and said,

"Ok, I'm done now. It's over, and I am not going to deal with this now. I can't do this tonight, I can't handle the pain. So I am done. No more tears, and no more thoughts."

And I shut it off.

Ok, so I know it's not really shut off and is still down in there somewhere.

I talked a bit to my friend Cindy D. tonight on the phone. We shared quite a bit and I had the opportunity to make a choice. I was faced with the question, do I share, or do I hold back? She asked how things went, and then quickly said that I didn't need to share. I eventually made the decision and shared with her. But for the most part, I was able to keep my emotions shut down.

Maybe I can write about it more later, once I have processed some and worked through some of the things on my own, and maybe more with Tricia this next week.

Just know I am now dealing with feelings of extreme shame and guilt on top of the grief already there.

Thank you for bearing with me as I process. It's been a long day and I am more than ready for bed, as long as my brain decides to shut down. And thank you to those of you who keep coming alongside me. I can't tell you how much it means to me!