Today has been made up primarily of sleep for me. I wish I could have been out in the beautiful weather with the kids at the farm. Or at least cutting back my dead flowers and cleaning up the yard, because before too long the snow is gonna sneak up on us and stuff in my yard has to be protected, put away and prepared.
However, it was not a day of work for me for sure!
I got up this morning at about 8:30 or so with the kids. I have been sick and as soon as I stood up, I knew it was going to be a "day." I was dizzy and lightheaded, and my head hurt. I took some tylenol and decongestant, and then set about getting the kids settled in. Once they had their chocolate milk (carnation instant breakfast - their "drink of choice" in the mornings) in hand, I settled down with them on the couch and watched a bit of cartoons with them. Pretty soon they were up and moving. They wanted to play at their desks.
Yes, we somehow squeezed 2 desks into this living room. We had a small one Peter was using for a while. But we were looking for a bigger one for him, one that would accommodate a computer monitor, keyboard and mouse. When I was visiting Cindy, and mentioned that we wanted to get Peter a new desk, she jumped up and showed me a desk that she just removed from her house. I jumped on it. It was the perfect size. Peter can set aside the keyboard and mouse when he wants to use the desktop and has plenty of room there. He's thrilled. So is Marina, because Peter's move up means that she gets his old desk. Perfect timing.
Anyway, as they played, I curled up on the couch under both of the kids blankets and rested. Finally, Dave got up after sleeping in, the kids got dressed, and they all headed to the farm. I grabbed a microwavable rice sock (gotta try those if you haven't... they are heaven and you can even make your own!!) heated it up and headed to bed. I rested there for a bit, trying to write but that really didn't work well as I was too tired and spacey. I finally rolled over and fell asleep for a couple of hours.
I got up and read, did a load of laundry, got a load put away, but really didn't do much for my day. Took a hot shower and changed into fresh pj's. That's about all.
I realize that I haven't had a day like this in a really long time. I can't remember the last time I didn't really have to do anything. I mean anything at all! I think this cold is God's way of slowing me down. I have had a little bit of time up and around with the kids, but already I can feel my energy flagging again.
Good timing, the kids are just about ready for bed, and I am planning on climbing into my bed shortly as well.
Because I haven't had a day like this in a long time, I felt almost guilty for not doing anything. But I haven't taken a day voluntarily in so long, that I think God has used this cold to really slow me down. I mean, I nearly had to stop everything today.
I feel bad, because when I have a day that I'm able to detach from everything going on around me (or even a portion of a day) I try to spend it with God. But I seriously wasn't able to even think clearly enough to hardly pray. Maybe it was good, because many of the things that have hit me this week are too hard for me to deal with right now, and like a friend has said, it's time to take a vacation from it for a while.
Yesterday I had no voice, so I could only listen as my friend Cindy D. talked with me on the phone. I was able to talk with her a little bit, but for the most part, it was a time for her to share. Today I could talk more, but until now was unable to string more than a few thoughts together.
So, it truly has been "forced rest" today. I have had no way of avoiding it, and no real energy to try. A forced rest physically, and a break from thinking through problems or "tough stuff" and a time just to "be." It's hard for me to do, but needed so much of the time.
I have read so much about taking a Sabbath rest. Not just once in a while, but weekly. I want to do this. I want to have a "God day" and a time where I can just take the time out from working, over thinking, and just do things that help me rest up and recharge. Sometimes I can do that for a little bit, some portion of a day, here and there. But I want to incorporate this into my weeks and months that are coming.
It's crazy that a long tough road of preparation for an event, and the event itself is what makes me take some days off from work, and then a cold on top of it taking me out so badly that I had to take another day really off.
It should be something worked into my schedule already.
I can see it's going to be another way to take care of myself. Another thing in the list of "self care" that I'm going to have to work on.
It's been hard to feel so under the weather. But when my body shuts down, there is nothing I can do. It felt good to have the freedom to collapse as I needed to for the day. I owe my husband a great debt of gratitude for that, for taking the kids away and letting me rest. It was wonderful.
Thank you God too, for forcing me to rest. May I keep in mind this break, and remember to take the unexpected breaks I get during the weeks ahead to stop and rest and be with you, and to be ok with doing nothing but sleeping, if that's what my body needs.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Joy strength
Oh my friends, God was so good this weekend.
We had around 200 people in our church this weekend, as we hosted our districts Annual Meeting and Celebration.
The meeting started with a two hour prayer gathering. We worshipped and prayed together corporately. As the theme of the weekend was prayer, it was a good way to start.
When we entered into the general session after lunch, God just really moved in my heart. I was helping lead the worship, and was standing up there watching others get moved in worshiping our great God. The Spirit was tangible there as nearly 200 people gathered together singing praise. God moved in my heart as well.
We were in the middle of the second song, and the thought ran through my head (and heart) that if God had told me a year ago, even 6 months ago that I would be helping lead worship for our district's Annual Meeting, I would have called Him crazy!!! As that thought came to me, it just hit me how much He has done in me. Yes, I am still struggling with depression and still have some heavy stuff I am working through right now even, but Oh! How He filled me with such joy and thankfulness right then and there.
I was to the point that I wanted to spread my arms out (I did with one arm in the middle of the song - but it's hard to do that with both when you are still supposed to sing into the mic.) lift my face to Him, and then fall on my face, just in awe.
I couldn't hold still up front with all the joy that was in me. I felt lit up by Him. I don't know how else to describe it. It was an amazing feeling!
Later, when I talked with my friend Cindy, I told her I couldn't believe what God had done in the middle of that set of music, and she gave me a big squeeze and said that she knew, she could see it, and she was dancing in the streets right along with me.
God is so good that way. He lifted me up and strengthened me for this incredibly big and busy weekend. He held me up when I was exhausted, and energized me even what I thought I was running on fumes.
He filled me with so much joy, I thought I would burst!
He did all this because He knew what I faced this week. He knew better than I did what I would have to have to be able to make it through this week.
As I walked into my day Monday, I knew right then and there that God had filled me with joy and a sense of having done my job very well. A knowing that it was Him working in me that accomplished so very much over the weekend. Because the things I faced on Monday, through counseling and coming to terms with some of those things were extremely heavy and hard and I needed the "joy strength" He gave me to deal with the shame and flood of other negative emotions that hit me as I started to process other things.
That in and of itself is another story. Another post.
This one is to remind me (and you) that no matter what I am going through, no matter what we are going through, God sees it, has already seen it and has prepared us for it. Sometimes (most times) we don't feel prepared, but that still doesn't negate the truth that He is there, He is our strength and He is the only one who will get us through the storms. Sometimes He strengthens us before, sometimes in, and always through everything we go through.
Thank you Jesus!
I have this hanging on my wall, given to me by a friend just before the Annual Meeting. It's hanging right where I can see it all the time. It seems to be very appropriate for me today and every day.
Psalm 18:2
THE LORD IS MY ROCK AND MY FORTRESS AND MY DELIVERER, MY GOD, MY STRENGTH IN WHOM I WILL TRUST.
We had around 200 people in our church this weekend, as we hosted our districts Annual Meeting and Celebration.
The meeting started with a two hour prayer gathering. We worshipped and prayed together corporately. As the theme of the weekend was prayer, it was a good way to start.
When we entered into the general session after lunch, God just really moved in my heart. I was helping lead the worship, and was standing up there watching others get moved in worshiping our great God. The Spirit was tangible there as nearly 200 people gathered together singing praise. God moved in my heart as well.
We were in the middle of the second song, and the thought ran through my head (and heart) that if God had told me a year ago, even 6 months ago that I would be helping lead worship for our district's Annual Meeting, I would have called Him crazy!!! As that thought came to me, it just hit me how much He has done in me. Yes, I am still struggling with depression and still have some heavy stuff I am working through right now even, but Oh! How He filled me with such joy and thankfulness right then and there.
I was to the point that I wanted to spread my arms out (I did with one arm in the middle of the song - but it's hard to do that with both when you are still supposed to sing into the mic.) lift my face to Him, and then fall on my face, just in awe.
I couldn't hold still up front with all the joy that was in me. I felt lit up by Him. I don't know how else to describe it. It was an amazing feeling!
Later, when I talked with my friend Cindy, I told her I couldn't believe what God had done in the middle of that set of music, and she gave me a big squeeze and said that she knew, she could see it, and she was dancing in the streets right along with me.
God is so good that way. He lifted me up and strengthened me for this incredibly big and busy weekend. He held me up when I was exhausted, and energized me even what I thought I was running on fumes.
He filled me with so much joy, I thought I would burst!
He did all this because He knew what I faced this week. He knew better than I did what I would have to have to be able to make it through this week.
As I walked into my day Monday, I knew right then and there that God had filled me with joy and a sense of having done my job very well. A knowing that it was Him working in me that accomplished so very much over the weekend. Because the things I faced on Monday, through counseling and coming to terms with some of those things were extremely heavy and hard and I needed the "joy strength" He gave me to deal with the shame and flood of other negative emotions that hit me as I started to process other things.
That in and of itself is another story. Another post.
This one is to remind me (and you) that no matter what I am going through, no matter what we are going through, God sees it, has already seen it and has prepared us for it. Sometimes (most times) we don't feel prepared, but that still doesn't negate the truth that He is there, He is our strength and He is the only one who will get us through the storms. Sometimes He strengthens us before, sometimes in, and always through everything we go through.
Thank you Jesus!
I have this hanging on my wall, given to me by a friend just before the Annual Meeting. It's hanging right where I can see it all the time. It seems to be very appropriate for me today and every day.
Psalm 18:2
THE LORD IS MY ROCK AND MY FORTRESS AND MY DELIVERER, MY GOD, MY STRENGTH IN WHOM I WILL TRUST.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
God and writing
So last night I spent some time writing. God uses my writing to help me process and to hear His voice.
God used it to make me realize that I haven't dealt fully with some aspects of my past. Things from back in Junior High, like when I was 12. I thought I had laid a lot of that to rest. But when Tricia and I were talking last week, we realized we hit on something right before the end of our session.
I had been bullied by a couple of different people in 7th grade. It wasn't that big of a deal or so I thought. But as I worked through it as I wrote last night, I realized just how big a deal it was. I really took what was said and done to me to heart.
Though I am very high on the Empathy/Feeling charts, I find myself shutting down emotionally and unable to re-engage. I traced it back to some things that happened while in 7th grade where I vowed that I wasn't going to let others see me cry in front of them again. Unless I was in a "safe place" or with "safe people" I didn't cry. I also didn't express how I felt to anyone for the most part, even to my mom, when something happened.
I can remember when my first cat died. It was my senior year of high school. I'd had her since I was four. My mom was taking her in the next day to be put down because she was too sick and in pain. I got home from school the next day, and had a friend with me. We hung together in my room, ate supper and went back to the school for a late drama rehearsal. I never said anything to my mom about Willow, for a long time.
Several months later, I encouraged my family to get two kittens, and they had them for a very long time. Later I ended up telling my mom that I stayed up several hours with Willow on her last night. Curled up next to her on the couch, petting the one place that didn't hurt her (the top of her head and ears) and cried. The reason I had a friend come home with me the next day was cause I needed the distraction. But it was a long time before I could acknowledge those emotions, define them, and share them with someone.
I am not as bad as that now. I have healed a lot in the last few years.
However, there are still times when I have trouble expressing my emotions. Sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling. Like I said, I shut down. Because of the bullying things that happened to me, the humiliations, I ended up putting up walls to protect myself.
God has been faithful in helping me pull down those walls. Many of them are down now, and I have much less of a tendency to hold in emotions than I used to. It's much less self-destructive. But there are still walls there. Some of these walls have people's names on them, I have discovered. It's going to take a lot of hard work to get those walls to come down.
With God's help, I know it will happen. In His time.
There are other things that are going on at the same time. - again - there is always something, and it seems God is working on me from different fronts, with different things all at once. Maybe it seems like that because He is trying to help me shore up the weaknesses that He sees in me, so that I can come out the other side more whole, and a better person to better reflect His light.
All in His time. And - as a reminder to myself - I don't need to know the why's of what's going on or what's happened.
God uses my writing to help me process different things. Last night He helped me process and identify some things that I need to go over with Tricia. Other times He just plain outright speaks to my heart, by impressing something on it. Other times it is through reading His Word as well.
I am just so glad that He still speaks and heals and redeems and restores, today as always.
He's got me covered.
He's got you covered.
Praise God for that! I am so grateful that He hems us in behind and before and that He lays His hand upon us all!
God used it to make me realize that I haven't dealt fully with some aspects of my past. Things from back in Junior High, like when I was 12. I thought I had laid a lot of that to rest. But when Tricia and I were talking last week, we realized we hit on something right before the end of our session.
I had been bullied by a couple of different people in 7th grade. It wasn't that big of a deal or so I thought. But as I worked through it as I wrote last night, I realized just how big a deal it was. I really took what was said and done to me to heart.
Though I am very high on the Empathy/Feeling charts, I find myself shutting down emotionally and unable to re-engage. I traced it back to some things that happened while in 7th grade where I vowed that I wasn't going to let others see me cry in front of them again. Unless I was in a "safe place" or with "safe people" I didn't cry. I also didn't express how I felt to anyone for the most part, even to my mom, when something happened.
I can remember when my first cat died. It was my senior year of high school. I'd had her since I was four. My mom was taking her in the next day to be put down because she was too sick and in pain. I got home from school the next day, and had a friend with me. We hung together in my room, ate supper and went back to the school for a late drama rehearsal. I never said anything to my mom about Willow, for a long time.
Several months later, I encouraged my family to get two kittens, and they had them for a very long time. Later I ended up telling my mom that I stayed up several hours with Willow on her last night. Curled up next to her on the couch, petting the one place that didn't hurt her (the top of her head and ears) and cried. The reason I had a friend come home with me the next day was cause I needed the distraction. But it was a long time before I could acknowledge those emotions, define them, and share them with someone.
I am not as bad as that now. I have healed a lot in the last few years.
However, there are still times when I have trouble expressing my emotions. Sometimes I don't even know what I am feeling. Like I said, I shut down. Because of the bullying things that happened to me, the humiliations, I ended up putting up walls to protect myself.
God has been faithful in helping me pull down those walls. Many of them are down now, and I have much less of a tendency to hold in emotions than I used to. It's much less self-destructive. But there are still walls there. Some of these walls have people's names on them, I have discovered. It's going to take a lot of hard work to get those walls to come down.
With God's help, I know it will happen. In His time.
There are other things that are going on at the same time. - again - there is always something, and it seems God is working on me from different fronts, with different things all at once. Maybe it seems like that because He is trying to help me shore up the weaknesses that He sees in me, so that I can come out the other side more whole, and a better person to better reflect His light.
All in His time. And - as a reminder to myself - I don't need to know the why's of what's going on or what's happened.
God uses my writing to help me process different things. Last night He helped me process and identify some things that I need to go over with Tricia. Other times He just plain outright speaks to my heart, by impressing something on it. Other times it is through reading His Word as well.
I am just so glad that He still speaks and heals and redeems and restores, today as always.
He's got me covered.
He's got you covered.
Praise God for that! I am so grateful that He hems us in behind and before and that He lays His hand upon us all!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Busy week, in more ways than one
It's been a very busy week. I am very tired and fighting a cold.
Our church is hosting our district's Annual Meeting and Celebration. That means that I am the point person for the church, pulling people in to help with decorations, hosting, ushering, food, media and sound, building set up, child care - among many other things.
I have been running my tail off this week because we have had meetings and I have been making many phone calls to get everything sorted out.
The meeting is next week Friday and Saturday, so if I am rather absent here in the next week, please forgive me. I just have so much to do, and so much on my mind.
The theme for the Annual Meeting is "Getting back to Basics: Prayer." So I have someone who jumped onto my team, who is so fired up about praying for everyone coming. She has organized our church to literally cover every single person in prayer. There are people who grabbed someone's name, filled out a card to let them know they were praying for them and slipped it into an envelope with their name on it. Those will be put into everyone's registration packets. They then keep the person's name and pray for them throughout the next week or so, and just pray as God leads them to.
It has been amazing to feel the prayers of people. Once this dear lady jumped in and started really organizing the prayer for the event, I have been feeling entirely different about how things are going. God is so good that way. She was an answer to an unspoken prayer of mine that someone would be there that I could call on to pray for me, whatever it was, and whenever. She has.
As we move into this next week, again things will be very busy, but there are things going on personally that will add to the stress unless I am able to let them go to hang onto God, or as I said in my last post, let Him hang onto me.
I went through counseling with Tricia this past week. By the time I was done, I was feeling so sick to my stomach. It took me nearly an hour before I trusted myself enough to drive home. I just sat in the parking lot in my car.
God lifted me above those intense emotions and reactions to the things we were talking about this week as I have had other things I have needed to deal with. I am so grateful He does that. He has sustained me this week.
Of course the last couple of days I have been staying with Him pretty intensely as I have been working on catching up on my Breaking Free Bible Study. This study has been amazing. We just finished Week 4, and I know there is much more to go, but God has been using it already in seeing patterns and areas where truly I am still in bondage. After talking to Tricia, and then working through the bible study homework, God revealed to me some areas that I am going to have to really work on. Not easy stuff, but worth it in the long run.
There are a couple of assignments that Tricia gave me that I have to do in the next 10 days or so. I need to have them done by the Monday after the Annual Meeting. I am going to be taking off the 25th and 26th from work to recover from the weekend, and I have my appointment with Tricia that Monday afternoon. I am hoping that I don't have to do my "homework" from her that morning, but if I have to, I will.
My heart hurts thinking about it though. I don't want to have to do what she is asking me to, and what I feel God is asking me to. It's difficult though I know it will bring further healing. I don't know if I will ever get beyond the depression, or the struggle with it. Knowing the why's or the answers to the questions doesn't help either, because I still have to deal with it.
I would like to do it ahead of time and get it out of the way. But with the multitude of responsibilities I have for the Annual Meeting, I just am afraid these things will stir up way too many emotions. I know that God can handle it, that He can cover it and give me the strength to do all things. I just need prayer that I will know when to do what He wants me to do.
It makes it all harder to look at with any clarity when I am feeling sick. I have to sing during the Annual Meeting at several different points for the worship team. It's an added thing on top of the responsibilities I have, being available for the district executive administrator to help her with anything she needs. I am glad to do it. I feel that God has called me to sing and help lead worship. With this cold, however, it will be difficult to sing if it doesn't clear up quickly!
As you can see I have a lot on my plate in the next week... and it's not just the Annual Meeting. My brain feels fried, and there are so many things I want to do, need to do, and should do that I am not quite sure where to start.
Thank you for listening to my babble! :) I will be praying for all of you as God brings you to my heart and mind, but I may not be able to be around for a visit for a little bit.
If something comes up this week that I need to share, I will pop on here again, but again it all depends on how things go.
Our church is hosting our district's Annual Meeting and Celebration. That means that I am the point person for the church, pulling people in to help with decorations, hosting, ushering, food, media and sound, building set up, child care - among many other things.
I have been running my tail off this week because we have had meetings and I have been making many phone calls to get everything sorted out.
The meeting is next week Friday and Saturday, so if I am rather absent here in the next week, please forgive me. I just have so much to do, and so much on my mind.
The theme for the Annual Meeting is "Getting back to Basics: Prayer." So I have someone who jumped onto my team, who is so fired up about praying for everyone coming. She has organized our church to literally cover every single person in prayer. There are people who grabbed someone's name, filled out a card to let them know they were praying for them and slipped it into an envelope with their name on it. Those will be put into everyone's registration packets. They then keep the person's name and pray for them throughout the next week or so, and just pray as God leads them to.
It has been amazing to feel the prayers of people. Once this dear lady jumped in and started really organizing the prayer for the event, I have been feeling entirely different about how things are going. God is so good that way. She was an answer to an unspoken prayer of mine that someone would be there that I could call on to pray for me, whatever it was, and whenever. She has.
As we move into this next week, again things will be very busy, but there are things going on personally that will add to the stress unless I am able to let them go to hang onto God, or as I said in my last post, let Him hang onto me.
I went through counseling with Tricia this past week. By the time I was done, I was feeling so sick to my stomach. It took me nearly an hour before I trusted myself enough to drive home. I just sat in the parking lot in my car.
God lifted me above those intense emotions and reactions to the things we were talking about this week as I have had other things I have needed to deal with. I am so grateful He does that. He has sustained me this week.
Of course the last couple of days I have been staying with Him pretty intensely as I have been working on catching up on my Breaking Free Bible Study. This study has been amazing. We just finished Week 4, and I know there is much more to go, but God has been using it already in seeing patterns and areas where truly I am still in bondage. After talking to Tricia, and then working through the bible study homework, God revealed to me some areas that I am going to have to really work on. Not easy stuff, but worth it in the long run.
There are a couple of assignments that Tricia gave me that I have to do in the next 10 days or so. I need to have them done by the Monday after the Annual Meeting. I am going to be taking off the 25th and 26th from work to recover from the weekend, and I have my appointment with Tricia that Monday afternoon. I am hoping that I don't have to do my "homework" from her that morning, but if I have to, I will.
My heart hurts thinking about it though. I don't want to have to do what she is asking me to, and what I feel God is asking me to. It's difficult though I know it will bring further healing. I don't know if I will ever get beyond the depression, or the struggle with it. Knowing the why's or the answers to the questions doesn't help either, because I still have to deal with it.
I would like to do it ahead of time and get it out of the way. But with the multitude of responsibilities I have for the Annual Meeting, I just am afraid these things will stir up way too many emotions. I know that God can handle it, that He can cover it and give me the strength to do all things. I just need prayer that I will know when to do what He wants me to do.
It makes it all harder to look at with any clarity when I am feeling sick. I have to sing during the Annual Meeting at several different points for the worship team. It's an added thing on top of the responsibilities I have, being available for the district executive administrator to help her with anything she needs. I am glad to do it. I feel that God has called me to sing and help lead worship. With this cold, however, it will be difficult to sing if it doesn't clear up quickly!
As you can see I have a lot on my plate in the next week... and it's not just the Annual Meeting. My brain feels fried, and there are so many things I want to do, need to do, and should do that I am not quite sure where to start.
Thank you for listening to my babble! :) I will be praying for all of you as God brings you to my heart and mind, but I may not be able to be around for a visit for a little bit.
If something comes up this week that I need to share, I will pop on here again, but again it all depends on how things go.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Exhaustion and choices
Lack of enough sleep really does me in.
The last couple of nights or so have been late ones, besides the fact that I was sleeping on the couch to give my visiting parents a bed to sleep in. Needless to say I didn't sleep the greatest or long enough.
The tiredness has increased the "weight" that I have been feeling sneaking in around the edges the last few days. God is still good. He is still in control. I was still able to worship Him today at church.
I just feel that depression building up again. Besides being tired, I really wish I knew its source. It's hard to figure out because I just don't see it. Though I know right now exhaustion is playing into it big time, it's still frustrating to see and feel the anxiety and know that I have to walk this road.
So I am choosing today to try, despite distractions and frustrations with the kids, to cling to the truth. I'm working on keeping my focus on God. I am struggling to stay open to Him and keep myself in an attitude of submission and surrender.
It's not an easy process and I am definitely struggling. It's hard when all I want to do is sleep.
But I am clinging to God - and better yet, He is holding me with His righteous right hand. His hands are holding me and that's stronger... stronger than any way I could cling to him in my own strength.
Thank you Jesus for holding me. Thank you for always meeting me where I am at. Thank you for loving me so much that You became sin for me, so that I might become Your righteousness. You are so good. Thank You for Your peace in the midst of depression and pain. Please continue to uphold me and strengthen me for this road you have me on. Give me the peace that passes understanding and the joy inexpressible that only comes from you. I love you - help me to keep falling deeper in love with You every day.
The last couple of nights or so have been late ones, besides the fact that I was sleeping on the couch to give my visiting parents a bed to sleep in. Needless to say I didn't sleep the greatest or long enough.
The tiredness has increased the "weight" that I have been feeling sneaking in around the edges the last few days. God is still good. He is still in control. I was still able to worship Him today at church.
I just feel that depression building up again. Besides being tired, I really wish I knew its source. It's hard to figure out because I just don't see it. Though I know right now exhaustion is playing into it big time, it's still frustrating to see and feel the anxiety and know that I have to walk this road.
So I am choosing today to try, despite distractions and frustrations with the kids, to cling to the truth. I'm working on keeping my focus on God. I am struggling to stay open to Him and keep myself in an attitude of submission and surrender.
It's not an easy process and I am definitely struggling. It's hard when all I want to do is sleep.
But I am clinging to God - and better yet, He is holding me with His righteous right hand. His hands are holding me and that's stronger... stronger than any way I could cling to him in my own strength.
Thank you Jesus for holding me. Thank you for always meeting me where I am at. Thank you for loving me so much that You became sin for me, so that I might become Your righteousness. You are so good. Thank You for Your peace in the midst of depression and pain. Please continue to uphold me and strengthen me for this road you have me on. Give me the peace that passes understanding and the joy inexpressible that only comes from you. I love you - help me to keep falling deeper in love with You every day.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Falling in love
I'm falling in love all over again.Yes, I really am. And I never thought it would quite be like this.
First God talked to me about surrendering and letting go.
He started pulling me out and away from people and things in my life that were a significant part of my "normal."
Then, God changed the "surrender" word to "submit," and it was like a light bulb going on.
"Oh. All of me, he wants me to lay it all down on the alter.... and it's not an "it" at all, its ME He wants."
Yeah, I know. Sometimes it takes me a while.
Some situations sprang up in my life at that point that forced me to submit because there was no way I was going to handle it all on my own strength. The only way to get through was to submit my days to Him and rely on His strength, not my own.
There were some really dark days there.
Then God did something to me last week Friday, that has lasted all week. He helped me really become a part of one of the stories in the Gospel of Mark, chapter 5. It was amazing the changes He did in my heart overnight through that simple account of a woman's healing.
I am only starting to grasp what happened when I reached out to touch the hem of His robe last week.
The story was instrumental in my coming to Christ originally. I said that in my last post. But what occurred to me just now, as I was writing this, is that it is also very instrumental in my falling in love all over again.
In the Breaking Free study, Beth Moore talks about how much she is in love with Jesus, and how He is the first and greatest joy in her life... and that she was jealous for all of us to have that type of love relationship with Him. Then another study, that I just picked up again after a long while, last night no less... made the point about us falling in love with Jesus, because that is what is so contagious to others. Our head over heels, abandoned love for Jesus.
Really, God?
It hit me this morning and I realized the next puzzle piece has fallen into place. It fits.
Letting go of the things I esteem so highly, and let God take care of them.
Surrender each and every little piece God points out to me of my heart.
Submit my all to Him so that His plans for me become my plans and I just follow along.
As I thought about all this today, I still felt His call to submit and surrender. I thought about falling in love again with Him. I thought about how resistant I felt about that whole idea. Because I thought it had to look a certain way or something. I kept thinking, "Well, I can't be like so and so, she has all the time she needs to do whatever to fall in love with You. And I can't be like so and so, because I can't live at that pace, and that seems to be how she falls in love with You."
I kept comparing myself.
Finally I heard God's small voice say, "Stop."
I did.
I felt like He really pointed out to me another area I was resisting Him, another spot where I was telling Him to wait, to hold off, to not get too close to that "thing" there.
I told Him I wasn't going to do that. That I was going to submit to Him right away. I had already made that commitment nearly 2 weeks ago. Yet, here I was telling Him wait again. But this time, instead of beating myself up over it, it was just another light bulb coming on.
It was immediate surrender.
I don't know what this falling in love with God all over again thing looks like. Not for me. I see what it looks like in some lives I am exposed to, near and far.
I told God that I didn't know what to do.
Then He reminded me of what I did when I was first in love with my husband. We would sit on the couch and I would snuggle up against him with my head on his chest and just listen to his heartbeat.
That's what Jesus wants me to do, just settle in with Him and listen to His heartbeat, and let the rest flow from there. He's got it anyway. It's His plans. My life is His. He is mine. I am bought, redeemed, loved, His bride. He loves me so much, so much that it hurts.
I think I am falling in love.
All over again.
With the greatest love of my life.
Jesus.
The bonus is, the more in love with Jesus I am, the more it spills out and over into the ones I love. I love Jesus more, then I will be able to love my husband and family and friends more. The more I will look like Jesus and less like me.
Oh, my friends, God is so good. He is so faithful. I may have more dark days coming. I may have more challenges ahead. I have some coming up in the next few weeks. But my sweet Jesus is so much bigger, better and stronger than all of that. He is still speaking if you know how to listen.
Just get real quiet with Him. Snuggle up to Him and listen for His heartbeat. It doesn't take long, and it doesn't have to be for long. Just long enough for you to realize that His heartbeat is for you.
He loves you.
Love Him back with all of your heart!
It's worth falling in love all over again!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Worshiping, not yelling... and Never Alone!
Early this evening, I found myself on the way out to the farm.
I wasn't yelling.
I was worshiping.
I was singing loud and strong, along to a worship CD.
I was overcome with awe as I watched the rain clouds break apart,
the sun start to stream through,
and the trees light up with all their glorious colors.
I didn't feel alone.
God was right there with me.
Showing Himself to me in His glorious creation and inhabiting my praise of Him.
He has been all along, but I was sinking so much in my own pain and shame that I couldn't or wouldn't see it.
What changed my perspective today?
Nothing has changed. My situations and struggles are still the same. The depression is still there, the feeling of being pulled away from people and things... all still there.
However, my perspective has changed.
Yesterday, after the kids had left to go to the farm, I read a friend's blog post. She said that she would, even in the midst of her own struggles, be interceding for others. She asked in that post for us to share prayer requests with her. Tentatively I sought her out via email and shared as briefly as I could where I was at and just asked her to pray as she was able.
I received her reply a little later in the evening. In the course of her email, she made a suggestion. She said to find a favorite story of mine in the bible and read it. But to not just read it, but fully put myself in the story, feeling it with texture, form and substance.
Well, I did as she suggested, right before bed. I didn't anticipate how God would touch me, but I read the story of the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years. It was one that was instrumental in my coming to Christ 17 years ago. I read it out of Mark 5:24-34.
It was powerful, and for some reason, what Jesus said to her at the end of her story on those pages, I felt like I had never even heard before.
"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."
Daughter.
Faith.
Healed.
Peace.
Freed.
I was in that story. I was the woman who had suffered at the hands of many doctors, spent all she had, and was worse off than before. I was the one so worn and weak, trying to push through the crowd that was crushing Him to just try to touch his cloak.
And His words touched me. I am His daughter. My faith has caused me to push through the crowd to find healing in His touch, in the past, and will again. He spoke to me about going in peace, to cease worrying about what might happen or how it will look, or what I'm even supposed to do. Just rest in His peace.
He spoke precious words to me of freedom. Freedom from suffering. I know we will never be fully free from suffering here in this world. But when we are looking at our Savior's face, the suffering fades in comparison. I wrote in my journal last night that maybe I would never be able to shake the depression I suffer from, but maybe I can find peace in it, knowing He is there, He knows what it's like. Jesus cares and never leaves me alone or drops me off along the road somewhere.
I know God is pulling me away for a season, drawing me apart for a while to spend more time with Him. He's making room in my life.
For Him.
For me.
For us together.
I will be able to fill up with more of Him. He will be able to show me the things I need to work through, the healing I need, the sins I need to confess, repent and let go of. He is spending this time clearing out the junk so that He has room to work, and I can only sit back and watch in amazement as He does His thing.
Jesus was a carpenter you know. I imagine He loved to work with His hands, taking a bare bit of wood, seeing what it could really become, cutting it, carving it, and shaping it, polishing it until it was a thing of beauty, and able to be used fully for the work it was made for.
He is doing that with me. He is with you too. He sees the flaws in our bits of wood, and he works with them, turning them into ways His strength and design and plan can be seen.
This depression and depth of despair that I have had may come and go, and never really leave. But I am working at getting it from my head to my heart - choosing to believe that it will once again be for my good and for His glory. Depression will keep me weak, forced to depend on Him like no other. No one else would be able to stand up to the pressure that I would put on them in my deepest need.
Only Jesus can.
Only Jesus has experienced the deepest darkness, the deepest aloneness, the most painful separation, worse than anything we could imagine.
So He knows, He understands, He cares.
And He WILL REDEEM IT ALL.
He will buy back the pain and the agony of our situations. He will use it somehow in my life, and it will spill over into the lives of others. He has in small ways already.
I wish that I could have written this yesterday, showing the hope that really was there at the end of that post. But I didn't see it. I was drowning, until Jesus stepped in, through the words of my friend, and drew me to His Word where He met me.
I rocked myself to sleep with that story from Scripture last night. This morning, when I woke, nothing had changed. Yet, EVERYTHING had changed. It was enough. It was so good.
God is so good. I choose to believe that. That He is good, that He has my best interests at heart, and that He will never leave me or forsake me. I choose to believe the truth of His Word.....
....despite what my feelings may say.
May I look back on this post when I am down and depressed and see no hope and remember how He was faithful to me to fulfill His Words of healing, peace and freedom in my life.
Will you choose the truth too? Will you choose Him? Will you choose to believe Him and what He says about you, and how much He loves you? Will you choose His hope with me today?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Yelling and alone
I found myself yelling at God this morning.
Ok, well, I still am yelling, I think, but it's not as out loud as it was in the car.
"I don't want to be alone anymore!"
It seems that as things have gotten harder this year, as things have come up that I need to deal with, as deeper hurts are exposed, things have been changing.
Humans, as a rule, usually don't like change, aren't a fan of it. I am no exception to that. The changes have been from our small group disbanding, to my kids both being in school, to my working through the summer. Each involve a gain in some way or another, but all involve loss too - and the grieving of it.
I have had God show me some things in my life, using the mirror of His Word and Truth that needed to be gotten rid of. He has shown me other things about myself that need deeper healing than I have had before in these same areas.
And I hurt.
And I have been crying.
And shutting down some too.
I don't like this. I hate this. In the midst of it all, in the midst of the changes, I find myself without the people around me that I would readily turn to for help, support, wisdom. Not that we aren't still friends and family, but that our lives are full to the brim, and things seem to keep on getting in the way.
I tried to talk to 2 friends today, but they were distracted with other things and couldn't talk. I tried to get together with another but she had a schedule conflict that came up, so we had to reschedule for tomorrow. Two other friends had other things that were going on and had to leave before I could get a hug.
It's all little "piddly" stuff, but at the same time, at the painful place I am in at the moment, it was really hard to deal with. So I yelled at God. It didn't make me feel any better though.
Everything - absolutely everything - seems to be getting pulled away from me. Everyone.
I did get the chance to connect with one friend, but only briefly as she had other things that she had to get to, but she was able to give me 10 minutes on the phone. It was good. It was better than nothing. My conversation with her, of which I can remember very little at the moment, helped me. Oh, and made me cry all the harder.
We got off the phone and I headed home, where in about a half hour I will have to pick up my daughter from school and then my son. But I have some peace and quiet here, which is good. But I am alone. Sometimes I long for times like this. I ache to have no demands on me for a period of time.
But today, all I want is a hug. I know that God is with me. But right now, I want a hug from someone "real." I guess I want that physical contact and a shoulder to cry on.
My counselor asked me yesterday, after I shared some things with her, "So, what do you want to do with this? What do you want to do now?"
I said, "Tricia, I don't even know."
It was quiet for a few moments. Then she asked me what I was thinking. By that point, all I could feel was this weight settling in to stay for a while, and I couldn't find the words to tell her even that. I felt afraid, and didn't know how to tell her that either.
I did tell her that I would probably be able to answer her question once I got in the car and started driving home. It wasn't quite accurate. It took sitting down here at the computer to get it out.
Again, I know God is in all this, but I feel dreadfully exposed and vulnerable. I gave God permission to do heart surgery, and laid myself out, submitting fully to Him. He has wasted no time, using things I never expected to pull at me and tear at my heart so I can see where there is more junk to be taken out and cleaned up.
In the process, I feel isolated and alone. I feel like there is no one to turn to and no help in sight. I know that this is a faith walk, not a "sight" walk. But the knowledge in my head isn't helping this raw, aching heart.
I know that God wants me to cling ever harder to Him. I know He is using this Breaking Free bible study mightily in my life, if not everyone else's. He's orchestrated this all to coincide in my life for a reason.
But again....
I don't want to be alone!
Maybe I will finally sense His presence here, and continue to submit, rather than curl up around my hurts and try to fix them myself. In reality, there is no fixing them. Only God can heal them. If I will let Him close enough to touch them.
Ok, well, I still am yelling, I think, but it's not as out loud as it was in the car.
"I don't want to be alone anymore!"
It seems that as things have gotten harder this year, as things have come up that I need to deal with, as deeper hurts are exposed, things have been changing.
Humans, as a rule, usually don't like change, aren't a fan of it. I am no exception to that. The changes have been from our small group disbanding, to my kids both being in school, to my working through the summer. Each involve a gain in some way or another, but all involve loss too - and the grieving of it.
I have had God show me some things in my life, using the mirror of His Word and Truth that needed to be gotten rid of. He has shown me other things about myself that need deeper healing than I have had before in these same areas.
And I hurt.
And I have been crying.
And shutting down some too.
I don't like this. I hate this. In the midst of it all, in the midst of the changes, I find myself without the people around me that I would readily turn to for help, support, wisdom. Not that we aren't still friends and family, but that our lives are full to the brim, and things seem to keep on getting in the way.
I tried to talk to 2 friends today, but they were distracted with other things and couldn't talk. I tried to get together with another but she had a schedule conflict that came up, so we had to reschedule for tomorrow. Two other friends had other things that were going on and had to leave before I could get a hug.
It's all little "piddly" stuff, but at the same time, at the painful place I am in at the moment, it was really hard to deal with. So I yelled at God. It didn't make me feel any better though.
Everything - absolutely everything - seems to be getting pulled away from me. Everyone.
I did get the chance to connect with one friend, but only briefly as she had other things that she had to get to, but she was able to give me 10 minutes on the phone. It was good. It was better than nothing. My conversation with her, of which I can remember very little at the moment, helped me. Oh, and made me cry all the harder.
We got off the phone and I headed home, where in about a half hour I will have to pick up my daughter from school and then my son. But I have some peace and quiet here, which is good. But I am alone. Sometimes I long for times like this. I ache to have no demands on me for a period of time.
But today, all I want is a hug. I know that God is with me. But right now, I want a hug from someone "real." I guess I want that physical contact and a shoulder to cry on.
My counselor asked me yesterday, after I shared some things with her, "So, what do you want to do with this? What do you want to do now?"
I said, "Tricia, I don't even know."
It was quiet for a few moments. Then she asked me what I was thinking. By that point, all I could feel was this weight settling in to stay for a while, and I couldn't find the words to tell her even that. I felt afraid, and didn't know how to tell her that either.
I did tell her that I would probably be able to answer her question once I got in the car and started driving home. It wasn't quite accurate. It took sitting down here at the computer to get it out.
Again, I know God is in all this, but I feel dreadfully exposed and vulnerable. I gave God permission to do heart surgery, and laid myself out, submitting fully to Him. He has wasted no time, using things I never expected to pull at me and tear at my heart so I can see where there is more junk to be taken out and cleaned up.
In the process, I feel isolated and alone. I feel like there is no one to turn to and no help in sight. I know that this is a faith walk, not a "sight" walk. But the knowledge in my head isn't helping this raw, aching heart.
I know that God wants me to cling ever harder to Him. I know He is using this Breaking Free bible study mightily in my life, if not everyone else's. He's orchestrated this all to coincide in my life for a reason.
But again....
I don't want to be alone!
Maybe I will finally sense His presence here, and continue to submit, rather than curl up around my hurts and try to fix them myself. In reality, there is no fixing them. Only God can heal them. If I will let Him close enough to touch them.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
tender hearted
My heart hurts and is very tender this day.
I spent some good time yesterday with God, and then was able to relax with the kids at the farm for a while. This morning, as I was getting ready for church, God spoke and reminded me of some verses I had read yesterday about repentance. I just heard the word "repent" in my heart and connected it to the verses I had read the day before.
And, God connected both of those thing with some areas in my life He has pointed out that I need to work on. Some things that make my flesh squirm in shame and pain.
As I drove to church, I was praying, asking God to help me focus on Him today, and to be able to worship and really hear what He had to say to me through the sermon. As I did, I heard again the word "repent" in my heart. I caught myself telling Him "later" and stopped. Why in the world would I do something later that I heard Him ask me to do when I know He's asking it, and that when I haven't responded right away, putting Him off, I feel more distant from Him?
So right there in the car, on the way to church, I did. I turned it all over to Him and sought forgiveness. Oh that opened the floodgates of the tears!
I made it safely to church (I was crying while driving) and got in there. Almost as soon as I walked in, I saw our former pastor and his family here. I gave him a big hug and greeted his family. After a moment or two, as others came to greet his wife and daughters, he asked how I was doing. I said OK, but saw that familiar look in his eyes.... and amended it, saying instead I was making it, but been struggling quite a bit recently again. He reminded me to hang in there.
Well, little did I know that he was going to be getting up with an announcement at the beginning of the service. He gave a report on how their fund-raising was going to plant their church, and how the sale of their house was going. When he was done with that, he shared how during this process of the last month being away from our church, it had been extremely dark and hard and heavy.
Then he said, "I don't know where you are today, or what is going on. Some of you may be walking in some darkness. Feeling lost and heavy and having a hard time hanging on. I just want you to know that God has not dropped you off along the way...."
The words aren't exact to what he said, but the meaning is the same. I don't really have the rest written down, because I could hardly see Pastor Brad for the tears streaming down my face, and the sobs threatening to overtake me.
I pretty much cried on and off through the rest of the service.
The sermon was good, I was able to connect to God through the worship, and afterward ran into Peter and Donna, my small group leaders. Peter pulled me aside and we had a conversation, one that I had been expecting, but still hard nonetheless. I gave him a hug, and started to cry (again). He reminded me we are still family, and I explained that this, though expected has come on top of some other tough things God is working in and working through and working out, but they are hard.... and it was just one more hard thing today to have confirmed for me.
This pulling apart in my life is really getting old, and it hurts and it has left my heart very raw and vulnerable.
I know God is working on getting me to rely on Him 100% and not leaning on other people first. Depending on others, and having accountability, and living in community and unity is wonderful. However if that starts taking the place of going to God first, then He is going to do something about that.
He's been working on my heart for so long now. Only now am I learning that when I feel His prompting I need to act on it immediately, no matter how inconvenient it might be at the time. Slowly I am learning to set aside things in my life that are or have been idols. Slowly I am allowing Him to open up my heart to see the things I still need to work on. Slowly I am learning to submit myself to Him.... and its a daily thing many times.... submitting myself and submitting my "stuff."
Folks, my heart hurts. All I want to do is cry. This growing and stretching thing is really painful. I know that the Holy Spirit is working.
I. Can't. Do. This.
It's. Too. Hard.
But I have to remember that God is in control. He has not dropped me off along the way. He is carrying me, even when I don't feel Him there. If I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me.
Every little thought of what has happened, just today, pricks my tender heart. Too much to process, too much to think about, but I don't want to shut down again, so that means I need to live with this tender heart.
I spent some good time yesterday with God, and then was able to relax with the kids at the farm for a while. This morning, as I was getting ready for church, God spoke and reminded me of some verses I had read yesterday about repentance. I just heard the word "repent" in my heart and connected it to the verses I had read the day before.
And, God connected both of those thing with some areas in my life He has pointed out that I need to work on. Some things that make my flesh squirm in shame and pain.
As I drove to church, I was praying, asking God to help me focus on Him today, and to be able to worship and really hear what He had to say to me through the sermon. As I did, I heard again the word "repent" in my heart. I caught myself telling Him "later" and stopped. Why in the world would I do something later that I heard Him ask me to do when I know He's asking it, and that when I haven't responded right away, putting Him off, I feel more distant from Him?
So right there in the car, on the way to church, I did. I turned it all over to Him and sought forgiveness. Oh that opened the floodgates of the tears!
I made it safely to church (I was crying while driving) and got in there. Almost as soon as I walked in, I saw our former pastor and his family here. I gave him a big hug and greeted his family. After a moment or two, as others came to greet his wife and daughters, he asked how I was doing. I said OK, but saw that familiar look in his eyes.... and amended it, saying instead I was making it, but been struggling quite a bit recently again. He reminded me to hang in there.
Well, little did I know that he was going to be getting up with an announcement at the beginning of the service. He gave a report on how their fund-raising was going to plant their church, and how the sale of their house was going. When he was done with that, he shared how during this process of the last month being away from our church, it had been extremely dark and hard and heavy.
Then he said, "I don't know where you are today, or what is going on. Some of you may be walking in some darkness. Feeling lost and heavy and having a hard time hanging on. I just want you to know that God has not dropped you off along the way...."
The words aren't exact to what he said, but the meaning is the same. I don't really have the rest written down, because I could hardly see Pastor Brad for the tears streaming down my face, and the sobs threatening to overtake me.
I pretty much cried on and off through the rest of the service.
The sermon was good, I was able to connect to God through the worship, and afterward ran into Peter and Donna, my small group leaders. Peter pulled me aside and we had a conversation, one that I had been expecting, but still hard nonetheless. I gave him a hug, and started to cry (again). He reminded me we are still family, and I explained that this, though expected has come on top of some other tough things God is working in and working through and working out, but they are hard.... and it was just one more hard thing today to have confirmed for me.
This pulling apart in my life is really getting old, and it hurts and it has left my heart very raw and vulnerable.
I know God is working on getting me to rely on Him 100% and not leaning on other people first. Depending on others, and having accountability, and living in community and unity is wonderful. However if that starts taking the place of going to God first, then He is going to do something about that.
He's been working on my heart for so long now. Only now am I learning that when I feel His prompting I need to act on it immediately, no matter how inconvenient it might be at the time. Slowly I am learning to set aside things in my life that are or have been idols. Slowly I am allowing Him to open up my heart to see the things I still need to work on. Slowly I am learning to submit myself to Him.... and its a daily thing many times.... submitting myself and submitting my "stuff."
Folks, my heart hurts. All I want to do is cry. This growing and stretching thing is really painful. I know that the Holy Spirit is working.
I. Can't. Do. This.
It's. Too. Hard.
But I have to remember that God is in control. He has not dropped me off along the way. He is carrying me, even when I don't feel Him there. If I draw near to Him, He will draw near to me.
Every little thought of what has happened, just today, pricks my tender heart. Too much to process, too much to think about, but I don't want to shut down again, so that means I need to live with this tender heart.
God, hold me tenderly this week. Hold my vulnerable heart in Your Hands and keep it protected and safe. Guard my mind and heart and soul this week, and continue Your healing in my life. Somewhere I read this week that to be broken is to be healed. Well Lord, I feel broken. So I am choosing to trust that Your healing is following. I am truly "on the road" with You..... You have shown me that I have a tendency to hang onto You, so I know that I will hang in there with You, but please keep feeding me strength and hope for this process that seems never-ending.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
so very precious...
I see something so very precious in front of me, slipping away so fast.
I try to grab it, to hold it together, but it shifts and changes and, what I once knew it as, is gone.
We've been so close, spent so much time together... birthdays, parties, weekly gatherings.
Homes were opened to each other.
Meals were shared.
Hearts were opened to each other.
Tears and laughter were shared.
Now it's a new stage, a new place.
One unfamiliar.
The shape has changed and morphed over the years as it's needed to, slowly growing or shrinking to accommodate its members. Now it's changing again, but suddenly, at least more than ever before.
Still family.
But different.
Hurts and tears still there.
Hugs and comfort still there too.
But its all changed and changing.
What it was, what we were, is slipping away
lost in the past,
but what we are is yet unknown, other than
we are family.
God's changing us and breaking us out of the mold we have been in. We are all tired and need to stretch and straighten and work out the kinks come from being in one place for too long. But we still need each other, just differently.
It comes as a shock, seeing what I feared becoming reality.
But somehow, I know God is in it. He is doing something for all of us, and in all of us.
So something very dear and precious to me is slipping away.
But I know that God replaces good with better, and better with best. Always improving it. Always moving us upward and inward to His "best" He has for us.
So do we hang onto what we know, to what is familiar, or do we let go of this thing that has become so precious to us, and instead, grab onto God and make HIM the most precious thing to us?
Submitting to Him. Surrendering my plans. Letting go of what I love.
Then I can love Him more.
Then I can find Him to be my very all in all.
Then He becomes so very precious
- that when I grab on -
He doesn't ever slip away and disappear.
Submit, resist, come near...
"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7-8a
These verses jumped out at me today, and though I have tried to put them away, they seem to fit in with a theme I have been noticing lately.
I have talked about it here.
Surrender.
Letting go.
No matter what I do, God keeps telling me to surrender to Him. I keep asking, "What? What is it you want me to surrender." He just keeps saying "Surrender."
You think by now I would have gotten it. I have been flailing around trying to figure out what I haven't surrendered to him. What in the world have I left out? How could I still be holding back from God? What would I possibly still be holding back from God, and why? Because I know all the incredible things he has done to heal me. There is no reason to hold back.
Then this verse popped up several times today.
"Submit yourselves, then, to God."
I didn't get it really, still don't totally. Now that I have looked back at former verses and gotten the context, it has helped.
The previous verses talked about friendship with the world. Friendship with the world is hatred toward God. God has asked me to give up some things that aren't inherently "bad" but they have caused me to love the world more, idolize some things, and therefore, that makes me an enemy of God. Can that be possible? But the verses refer to how God is a jealous God - the Spirit He placed in us envies intensely.
Because of our (my) tendency to love the world and the things in it, then I must submit myself to God. It's a surrender..... but when I think of a surrender, I think of Him asking me to surrender something specific.
Submitting myself to God is different. It means that I am opening up myself to Him. Submitting. Trusting. Purposely placing myself under His Hand. Allowing Him to work, even when I know its probably going to hurt.
When I am finally ready to do that - you know what happens?
I'm sure you do.
Think about it. You're ready to submit to God's will. You're ready to let go..... and along comes the enemy, with every good and reasonable sounding excuse to wait. To hold on. To take the time to "figure it out" before you actually do what God is telling you to do.
What does the next sentence say?
"Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
Resist him - even when you are tired. That is the hardest for me. I just told God this morning that I was tired. So many times I have cried out to God that I am too tired to fight anymore. That's it. That's all I've got, God.
But if I resist. If I allow God to strengthen me in resisting (which He will, especially when I am submitted to Him) the devil will flee from me. FLEE!!!
And when I am feeling so dry and alone and worn, I "come near to God and He will come near to [me]." What a blessing that when I have nothing, if I come near to Him, He doesn't pull away.... He draws closer.
I think of when I am with my kids on the couch. When they push away and won't come closer when I ask, it makes me further from them, and they feel further from me too. But when they submit to my arm around them, when they draw close and snuggle in, it is so natural for me to rub their back, comfort them, love on them.
Isn't that what God does for us too? When I come closer to Him, intentionally positioning myself in His presence, focusing on Him, I feel Him there with me. I can feel Him loving on me and wrapping His arms around me.
Then I am sitting in His lap. I am safe in my Daddy's arms.
Ok, God - here I am. I want it and yet I fight it at the same time, though I know You are trustworthy and true. I am placing myself under Your hands. Under those healing hands of Yours that have done nothing but love, heal and help me. I see my past. I see how You have been so faithful to showing me Your love in spite of it all. I see how You have been so loving and gentle with this fragile heart of mine. I see how You have tenderly taken me and showed me a bit at a time the truth of Your Word. You have shown me the lies and slowly rebuilt my mind to recognize and lean towards the truth, rather than the old worn tapes full of lies from the past.
God, my Daddy, I choose to trust You because I know, even when it is hard for me to believe, that You have my best at heart. Oh come close to me, as I come close to you, because this little girl inside needs some cuddle time in her Daddy's lap!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Time to Break Free...
Tomorrow is the day.
We are starting the "Breaking Free" bible study by Beth Moore at our church. In the end we are going to have a total of 9 ladies (counting myself) once one comes back from a vacation.
This year, I am leading the Thursday morning women's study. Last year another gal was, but she and her family have moved further north of here, and while they are still coming down to our church for Sundays, she has had to back out of other things to be close to home for her kids who are just starting school.
So, I realized that most of the summer was gone and no one else was stepping forward to lead.
I could have let it slide.
I could have let it go.
But all the gals who had done it last year really loved getting together.
I prayed about it some, and reasoned that I would be going to it if someone else led it, and because we'd probably do a Beth Moore study, and the teaching is all done by her, by video, that I could at least facilitate.
And as I thought about it, there were many that were running through my head.... I kept thinking of all the studies she has put out. I kept coming back to one. I couldn't get it out of my head.
I am pretty sure this is the one God hand picked for those of us going through the study. "Breaking Free: Making freedom in Christ a reality in life."
I don't know each of their stories, or where they are on their path with God. But for this moment in time, for this semester, God has caused all our paths to converge, to come together for this study.
I know where I am. I know the struggles I have had. I know the fears I have. The depression I have been battling.
I have been back in counseling. I have been going again, trying to get a handle on what is going on in my life, and in my emotions. I know that I have been walking in freedom, but now something is holding me back. There is something re-surfacing, that I need to work through for further healing.
I think this study is coming at a really good time for me, and for maybe all the others who will be involved.
I also know it will be a great challenge to lead, because of how the enemy attacks when we step into leadership. The old lies and insecurities resurface and the little voice inside starts whispering,
"Who do you think you are? You can't do this! You're nothing. There's no way you can even begin to pray for these people, much less anything else. You are nothing, you have nothing, and if they knew about your past...."
Will you pray for me as I lead, and facilitate and pray for these precious women, these precious sisters in Christ.
Please pray too, that if there is anyone else who is meant to be in the study, they'd just show up. We have a couple of extra books that someone could take.
Pray that God's mighty Spirit would blow through us and change us, and through us, inspire and encourage others to change as well.
I am going to spend the rest of my night tucking in my kids, snuggling into bed and praying/journaling for the study tomorrow, and for my time with Tricia in my counseling session tomorrow afternoon.
May God bless you all!
We are starting the "Breaking Free" bible study by Beth Moore at our church. In the end we are going to have a total of 9 ladies (counting myself) once one comes back from a vacation.
This year, I am leading the Thursday morning women's study. Last year another gal was, but she and her family have moved further north of here, and while they are still coming down to our church for Sundays, she has had to back out of other things to be close to home for her kids who are just starting school.
So, I realized that most of the summer was gone and no one else was stepping forward to lead.
I could have let it slide.
I could have let it go.
But all the gals who had done it last year really loved getting together.
I prayed about it some, and reasoned that I would be going to it if someone else led it, and because we'd probably do a Beth Moore study, and the teaching is all done by her, by video, that I could at least facilitate.
And as I thought about it, there were many that were running through my head.... I kept thinking of all the studies she has put out. I kept coming back to one. I couldn't get it out of my head.
I am pretty sure this is the one God hand picked for those of us going through the study. "Breaking Free: Making freedom in Christ a reality in life."
I don't know each of their stories, or where they are on their path with God. But for this moment in time, for this semester, God has caused all our paths to converge, to come together for this study.
I know where I am. I know the struggles I have had. I know the fears I have. The depression I have been battling.
I have been back in counseling. I have been going again, trying to get a handle on what is going on in my life, and in my emotions. I know that I have been walking in freedom, but now something is holding me back. There is something re-surfacing, that I need to work through for further healing.
I think this study is coming at a really good time for me, and for maybe all the others who will be involved.
I also know it will be a great challenge to lead, because of how the enemy attacks when we step into leadership. The old lies and insecurities resurface and the little voice inside starts whispering,
"Who do you think you are? You can't do this! You're nothing. There's no way you can even begin to pray for these people, much less anything else. You are nothing, you have nothing, and if they knew about your past...."
Will you please pray for me?
Will you please pray with me?
Will you pray that everyone who starts will complete the study to the end?
Will you pray for God's truth to penetrate hearts and minds, and that we would be willing to act on what He tells us?
Will you pray for me as I lead, and facilitate and pray for these precious women, these precious sisters in Christ.
Please pray too, that if there is anyone else who is meant to be in the study, they'd just show up. We have a couple of extra books that someone could take.
Pray that God's mighty Spirit would blow through us and change us, and through us, inspire and encourage others to change as well.
I am going to spend the rest of my night tucking in my kids, snuggling into bed and praying/journaling for the study tomorrow, and for my time with Tricia in my counseling session tomorrow afternoon.
May God bless you all!
Friday, September 10, 2010
it's all I've got - no energy to pretend
I don't have the energy to act like things are good, when they aren't.
Not today.
I was able to enjoy time with my kids, and with their grandmother.
Then I left the farm, and headed on some errands. On the way, I checked my home answering machine remotely. There was a message there from Cindy D. As soon as I got to a parking lot where I had good cell reception, I parked and called her.
She is such an encouragement to me, though she doesn't realize it. She is going through so much herself, yet at the same time is so willing to listen to me talk, ask tough questions and share what she is learning as she heals and grows to help me.
We talked for quite a while. By the time I got off the phone, I at least felt like I could drive again, with some sort of attention to the road.
Essentially I was "running away from home" for a while tonight. I wanted to get away from my normal, so that I wouldn't go back to my "normal" mode of behaviors.
By the time I got to the grocery store (keep in mind, after talking with Cindy D. I only went to one other store - briefly) I was exhausted.
One of my friends works there, the wife of our small group leader. She happened to not have any customers, so I was able to talk with her just for a few minutes. When asked how I was doing, I couldn't just say "good." I couldn't. I told her I was ok, that I was really tired and that I missed her and her husband. I was able to tell her that I was struggling, but that was about it as she got a customer at that point.
I got home and ate, and am now writing this.
I am doing better than I was. I felt like I had a small victory tonight and was able to get through. I spent a small amount of time with God - mostly praying as I was walking around the house doing things. Talking to Him more than listening, I think, but it was all I had in me.
I am still fighting the depression, but hope that some sort of semblance of sleep tonight will help me feel better in the morning than I did this morning.
Still a couple of lines from Psalm 143 stick with me.... tonight before I fall asleep.
I may not have them quoted perfectly, but here it goes...
I spread out my hands before you, my soul/heart thirsts for you like a parched land.
and...
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love....
Friends, I am praying tonight that this coming morning will bring me word of His unfailing love. I need the reminder tomorrow morning especially if it is anything like this morning - I need the reminder tonight.
The only thing I left out of the end of that last verse is ...for I have put my trust in you.
I have put my trust in him.... but have I trusted Him with everything in my heart? There is still some holding back there, though I know the right answer. Though I know that eventually I will let Him into "that" place too. Maybe the pain isn't great enough for me to finally give in.
Why does it always end up being that way? The pain needing to be great enough for me to finally cave in and allow Him to heal?
Trusting.
That's a whole other post, and not one this tired soul can go into tonight.
Maybe more on that tomorrow, if I have my thoughts gathered at all.
I don't have the energy tonight.
Not to act like things are good - and not to write well - and not to gather thoughts completely.
this is all I've got, and it's not much... but I guess I'll post it anyway.... it's just where I'm at.
a challenge and Psalm 143
God is still faithful.
God is still good.
I am writing these words as much for myself as a reminder, as for you who are reading.
Last night I went to bed late, worrying and praying for a friend who is really struggling and hurting.
This morning I woke up just before my alarm. As I went to bed so late, I was planning on hitting the snooze until it was time to get my son up for school. But, I was awake. So I dragged this weary body out of bed and curled up under some blankets on the couch. I didn't even have the energy to make coffee. I took my bible with me, but was so tired, and so low in my spirit, I didn't even think I could open it, much less read it.
But I did open it.
I did read.
I opened to the Psalms because those always bring comfort when I feel like this.
Yesterday morning I wrote how I could feel the depression sneaking back in, and this morning, it was there. Not full force, but with my extreme tiredness, it felt worse than yesterday.
My bible opened to Psalm 143.
The whole psalm is wonderful. It spoke directly to where I am at right now. I couldn't have found better words than those already written in this psalm.
You see, yesterday I found myself challenged. I was challenged in an area that I feel God has been speaking to me about for a while now. He decided now was the time. He spoke to me through a friend. He gave me the courage to speak out about what it was. She was the first person to whom I have given voice to these words, this deep concern. I was scared. I was embarrassed. I have been feeling ashamed and running from the problem.
My friend challenged me in another "letting go" and agreed to hold me accountable, be my encourager and to walk with me through this area.
All my life, hiding from my emotions and thoughts and at times God too, have been my specialty. Through the past few years, as God has done major healing, I have learned to embrace my emotions more. Not that it's easy. Many times I have been overwhelmed by them, and chosen instead to run from them and not face them. Tuck them down way inside and not pay attention or let them run their course.
Once I talked to my friend, Cindy, it gave me the courage to agree to the challenge that she gave me.
Once I agree to something, and make a verbal commitment, Cindy knows that I will follow through. It's that part of me that is so responsible, I can't let something go.
So this morning, I felt (and still feel) that the enemy has circled around me and is causing situations to work out that will make me feel more isolated from friends, from God, and it's only deepening the cloud of depression. Things that are going to make it even harder to keep up with this "letting go."
Here is Psalm 143;
O Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy;
In your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief.
Do not bring your servant into judgement,
for no one living is righteous before you.
The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground;
he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead.
So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah.
Answer my quickly, O Lord;
my spirit fails.
do not hide your face from me or I will be like those
who go down to the pit.
Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.
Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord,
for I hide myself in you.
Teach me to do your will,
for your are my God;
may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.
For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life;
in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.
In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes,
for I am your servant.
I read this sitting and watching the sunrise.... meditating on the lines of "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you."
God gave me this psalm for this time, to remember that God hears my cries. He sees my struggles, the battle I am in for yet more freedom. I just have to trust Him with all of me.
I am struggling to remember that He just wants me to trust Him. Even when the enemy is raging at me, all God wants is for me to trust Him.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
a new book and a new perspective
I found this new book the other day.
Ok, it was 2 days ago. I have almost finished it. That is a record for me when it's a non-fiction book. Course, I am a reader, so that helps.
But really this book is amazing, and though it is bringing up many things, it is opening my eyes to look at some things in my past in a new way.
The book is called "The Invisible Bond," by Barbara Wilson. The subtitle is "How to break free from your sexual past."
The gist of the book is that if we have had affairs, emotional or sexual, or had sex outside of the plan of God, we are carrying these bonds with those people with us into new relationships. It doesn't matter if we were a victim, or if a willing participant, or initiated the incident. We have created a bond with that person. We have bonded to that person, and when we "broke up" we walked away with bits of that person's heart, just as much as they have walked away with part of our heart.
This book tackles what this looks like, how we have been hurt, symptoms of that hurt and how we are "coping" to hide or numb that hurt, or both. And how to heal from those encounters, and how to break those bonds with those people.
If you have been reading my blog long enough you know that I have dealt with some areas like this of bondage to past relationships. I have broken many of those bonds. However, this book is seeming to bring up some of those relationships again.
One of the things I have been praying about is that the enemy wouldn't be trying to get me to "re-hash" stuff that isn't a problem.... bring up things that are already taken care of.
I don't want him to try to say "Well, really look how much you were hurt. You aren't really healed from that.." etc and open up old wounds that are really being healed (or have been).
Rather, I want to see God take this book, and use some of the exercises within it to help point me to some areas that need further healing. There are already one or two things that are very vivid in my head that I think I am going to have to work through with Tricia.
A while ago, I mentioned that Tricia had said that my friend's passing away was the icing on the cake, but what was the cake.... I didn't know at the time.
I still don't for sure. I wonder if a couple of these memories are part of the cake. I don't know that they are, and to my mind it doesn't seem to make sense that they would be. But I suppose sub-consciously they could be. The effects of not being fully healed from them, the resulting pain, and the coping mechanisms that I have been using surely could be what are causing me some problems.
All I know is this book has been a really good tool for me to assess what is really going on in my life and heart, where I felt I didn't have a tool, and that I was walking into counseling these last few times, feeling like I was running blind. I think that Tricia has felt the same too.
Running blind isn't a bad thing because it makes you rely on God. However it is really hard at times when you know you only have a limited time with someone and then end up really only getting to some of the "meat" of what's going on at the very end of that hour.
I am continuing to pray for God's wisdom and guidance.
I want the healing, but at the same time, I am afraid of it.
But I know that God is faithful, and because I have gone through facing tough stuff before, I proceed with more hope than I did before, because I have experienced the freedom of healing.
I feel the depression sneaking back in again, and I am trying to fight it. I have been extremely busy with work, so that has helped distract me, but every time I go into the weekend, I find myself crashing. Please pray for me as I go into the next few weeks here, hormonal issues could become a problem again, right at the point where I will be needing to hit tough stuff.
I hate the constant struggle, but this morning as I am able to think rather clearly, I know that struggle is worth it all because it draws me closer to my Jesus.
May I remember that in the days to come, and come back and read these words again as a reminder to myself that God is faithful.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Confirmation
It isn't easy when something you are sensing is confirmed by God.
A week ago, Cindy asked me if I felt ignored by her. I told her no, because I know the circumstances she has been going through. We have talked on the phone several times and seen each other at church, but not really had the chance to get together. I was able to tell her "no" truthfully.
I know in my head I am not abandoned by her. I also know that my other friends that I am close to haven't abandoned me either. Some have had other issues that they have had to deal with. Circumstances and odd schedules have caused us to not be able to see each other, or not be able to talk to one another.
It is how life is sometimes. I know that if I needed them, I could call and they would be here in a minute.
So again, I know in my head I am not abandoned. I know it in my heart for the most part too.
But there are still emotions that tug at me, and make me feel so alone.
I wrote that in my journal the other day.
"I feel lonely."
I shared it with Tricia. She confirmed what I felt God has been telling me all along.
Sometimes God allows people, friends to fall away, to the point that our only recourse is to focus totally on Him. In those times of loneliness there are the opportunities to fall away, and to turn to other things for comfort, to allow our focus to be turned away from God. There are the chances that we will stop, stuck in bitterness and frustration and we just hold still and we don't let go.
I have been there. Years ago I was in such a position. Friends were stripped away. I literally felt naked and exposed. From time to time I looked only to God. Other times I tried to make due with other things, whether it was working, reading, TV, anything else to distract me from the pain of betrayal, loneliness and bitterness I felt.
I did hang onto God. Or I wouldn't be where I am today.
That helps me now.
I have not been betrayed now, like I was back then.
I don't feel naked and exposed, like I did back then.
I am vulnerable, like I was. Somehow this feels different. I know I am healthier than I was back then. I feel different and that is a good thing. But I don't want to "muscle through" this on my own strength but rather rely on the strength of my Savior. The cutting away of things is really hard though.
I am loved. I am cared for. My friends are still here, they are still close. But without the closer conversations and contact, and feeling distant because they are having struggles too that they need to focus on, I still feel lonely.
I hate that lonely, empty feeling. I have had it too many times in the past.
I read something a couple of days ago about keeping my gaze so focused on Jesus that the rest of the world fades into background noise. To the point that all I can see is His face. His smile. His delight in me. Then, even if I stumble, even if I fall, even if I falter and get afraid, if my gaze is focused on Him, it will be ok. In the end it will be ok..... and it will be better than ok.
Because more than ever, He will be my all in all.
Then I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend to those I love so much in my life. I will be less of me and more of Him.
But that means I have to trust Jesus right now with everything.
Like I talked about in an earlier post, its about letting go. Tricia confirmed that too - so did another friend I talked to on Wednesday night.
This is all about letting go. Not letting go of friendships and friends and walking away, but trusting God to keep those friendship - trusting my dear friends to His hands (way better than my hands at holding close those I love).
Letting go so that my hands are empty and open to Him to receive from this time what He would have me learn. He would have me learn more deeply that He loves me. He is reliable. I am His beloved, and He is mine.
I still hate this lonely feeling though.
It makes me afraid.
It causes me to flail around looking for some way to connect with someone, or to fill the emptiness.
I know that having everything else cut away for a time is good. It's good for me. Its a refining process. But it still hurts.
I also know it is temporary. It is necessary. I have needed time to grieve, to focus on my family, to get the kids ready for school, to get necessary things done for work.......
....... and God has provided someone else. A friend. A counselor.
With Tricia back in my life - as a counselor - I have had some stability.
There has been the initial regaining of trust, getting to feel comfortable with her, enough to be open and honest and raw. There are still things that I'm afraid to tell her, or I down play the significance of. That will decrease.
God has placed her there as a steadying influence when all else is seeming to go haywire, to keep me focused on Him, to keep me going the right direction, and to point out the things and confirm the things that He is already speaking to me.
I still don't like confirmation of things that seem to be happening in my life.
But God used Tricia to show me that it's ok to have these times, as long as I respond to them, and go through them, in a healthy way. We are going to still be working on these things. It won't go away that easily, but I know that there are reasons behind everything that has been going on.
I need my Jesus more than I ever had before. I am entering new territory, new waters, new challenges, and new opportunities. God is growing me for something through these hard times.
I am praying that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone.
Please pray for me that I will be able to find those times to retreat with God. I need that so badly. I am struggling with how this schedule is going to work with school and dropping kids off and needing time for myself and God in the morning.
If I don't have that time, I am going to find myself quickly leaning on my own strength, and I know from experience that is not a good thing, and won't end well.
He is more than enough for me.
I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.
Oh Lord, help me.
A week ago, Cindy asked me if I felt ignored by her. I told her no, because I know the circumstances she has been going through. We have talked on the phone several times and seen each other at church, but not really had the chance to get together. I was able to tell her "no" truthfully.
I know in my head I am not abandoned by her. I also know that my other friends that I am close to haven't abandoned me either. Some have had other issues that they have had to deal with. Circumstances and odd schedules have caused us to not be able to see each other, or not be able to talk to one another.
It is how life is sometimes. I know that if I needed them, I could call and they would be here in a minute.
So again, I know in my head I am not abandoned. I know it in my heart for the most part too.
But there are still emotions that tug at me, and make me feel so alone.
I wrote that in my journal the other day.
"I feel lonely."
I shared it with Tricia. She confirmed what I felt God has been telling me all along.
Sometimes God allows people, friends to fall away, to the point that our only recourse is to focus totally on Him. In those times of loneliness there are the opportunities to fall away, and to turn to other things for comfort, to allow our focus to be turned away from God. There are the chances that we will stop, stuck in bitterness and frustration and we just hold still and we don't let go.
I have been there. Years ago I was in such a position. Friends were stripped away. I literally felt naked and exposed. From time to time I looked only to God. Other times I tried to make due with other things, whether it was working, reading, TV, anything else to distract me from the pain of betrayal, loneliness and bitterness I felt.
I did hang onto God. Or I wouldn't be where I am today.
That helps me now.
I have not been betrayed now, like I was back then.
I don't feel naked and exposed, like I did back then.
I am vulnerable, like I was. Somehow this feels different. I know I am healthier than I was back then. I feel different and that is a good thing. But I don't want to "muscle through" this on my own strength but rather rely on the strength of my Savior. The cutting away of things is really hard though.
I am loved. I am cared for. My friends are still here, they are still close. But without the closer conversations and contact, and feeling distant because they are having struggles too that they need to focus on, I still feel lonely.
I hate that lonely, empty feeling. I have had it too many times in the past.
I read something a couple of days ago about keeping my gaze so focused on Jesus that the rest of the world fades into background noise. To the point that all I can see is His face. His smile. His delight in me. Then, even if I stumble, even if I fall, even if I falter and get afraid, if my gaze is focused on Him, it will be ok. In the end it will be ok..... and it will be better than ok.
Because more than ever, He will be my all in all.
Then I can be a better wife, a better mother, a better friend to those I love so much in my life. I will be less of me and more of Him.
But that means I have to trust Jesus right now with everything.
Like I talked about in an earlier post, its about letting go. Tricia confirmed that too - so did another friend I talked to on Wednesday night.
This is all about letting go. Not letting go of friendships and friends and walking away, but trusting God to keep those friendship - trusting my dear friends to His hands (way better than my hands at holding close those I love).
Letting go so that my hands are empty and open to Him to receive from this time what He would have me learn. He would have me learn more deeply that He loves me. He is reliable. I am His beloved, and He is mine.
I still hate this lonely feeling though.
It makes me afraid.
It causes me to flail around looking for some way to connect with someone, or to fill the emptiness.
I know that having everything else cut away for a time is good. It's good for me. Its a refining process. But it still hurts.
I also know it is temporary. It is necessary. I have needed time to grieve, to focus on my family, to get the kids ready for school, to get necessary things done for work.......
....... and God has provided someone else. A friend. A counselor.
With Tricia back in my life - as a counselor - I have had some stability.
There has been the initial regaining of trust, getting to feel comfortable with her, enough to be open and honest and raw. There are still things that I'm afraid to tell her, or I down play the significance of. That will decrease.
God has placed her there as a steadying influence when all else is seeming to go haywire, to keep me focused on Him, to keep me going the right direction, and to point out the things and confirm the things that He is already speaking to me.
I still don't like confirmation of things that seem to be happening in my life.
But God used Tricia to show me that it's ok to have these times, as long as I respond to them, and go through them, in a healthy way. We are going to still be working on these things. It won't go away that easily, but I know that there are reasons behind everything that has been going on.
I need my Jesus more than I ever had before. I am entering new territory, new waters, new challenges, and new opportunities. God is growing me for something through these hard times.
I am praying that I will be able to keep my eyes fixed on Him and Him alone.
Please pray for me that I will be able to find those times to retreat with God. I need that so badly. I am struggling with how this schedule is going to work with school and dropping kids off and needing time for myself and God in the morning.
If I don't have that time, I am going to find myself quickly leaning on my own strength, and I know from experience that is not a good thing, and won't end well.
He is more than enough for me.
I need to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.
Oh Lord, help me.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Anxiety, and intentional self-care
Yup, I was right.
I worked myself up really well today and tonight.
By the time I got to the orientation with my daughter at her school, I could hardly manage to sit in on it, I was so anxious. I was sick-to-my-stomach-anxious.
When we got home, I managed to get all the things that I think Peter will need into his back pack. All his school supplies are there already, dropped off at his open house last week. So, its just some residual paperwork that had to be signed and turned in to the teacher.
When I got home with Marina, the house was quiet, so I put in a favorite movie, and got her settled in.
Then I went and changed into my pj's and took some of my medication to help my anxiety.
I have 2 different types. One is supposed to be for panic attacks, as they are happening because it is fast acting. The other is a longer term (12 hour) medication to control generalized anxiety. I can use them in combination because sometimes I will still have a panic attack at times while on the longer lasting medication.
I started with the 12 hour med. tonight. Hmm... after about an hour I realized that I still felt like I couldn't breathe and had a tight band around my chest and I was still sick to my stomach. So I went and took half of one of the pills that is for my panic attacks. Just half a dose (the whole thing might have made me too sleepy).
I can breathe a bit better, and maybe enough now to be able to concentrate on praying and writing, as I may not have much of a chance in the morning.
It depends on how the morning plays out, and if I can get up early enough to spend some time in the Word before I have to get Peter to school.
In the summer, I have had the luxury of getting the kids to the farm, or leaving them with dad on some mornings, so that I can get to the church early... some days way earlier than I need to be. Those days I have been able to have as much as 45 minutes sometimes before I actually start work. I have curled up in the sanctuary with some hot coffee, my bible and my journal. Sometimes I have brought in worship music and played at the piano first to focus me and my thoughts.
Now I am going to have to rearrange things for this school year. There is no way that I am going to be able to get in there that early anymore. Not with dropping off either one or two kids, at two different schools before hand. Even on a good day, I might not be able to get there more than 10 minutes early when I have to drop off both kids. When I have to drop off only Peter, I might make it with 20 minutes extra.
Hey, I know I sound like I am complaining. But I have had a really hard time with getting up early in the morning. And with my house in the horrible condition it's in, I have little space to call my own to do a quiet time before I leave home. My desk isn't even a sanctuary because my laptop is on it, and it has piles of paper EVERYWHERE!!!
I need my time with God, now more than ever. I don't know how or when I will get it. But oh, do I need it.
Please pray for me in this area too.
I feel like I am sounding so selfish that the "kids are putting me out by interfering with my time with God" and though I know that the condemning thoughts aren't from God, they are hard to counter.
I have always felt selfish when caring for myself. I know getting good sleep, writing, spending time with God, and having some alone "me" time are parts of self care that I really need to work on.
But I still feel selfish when I take them.
I feel like there are people who look at me and judge me for taking that time out.
Or there are times when I feel like I am getting a cold shoulder because I have taken that time.
So then I stop.
And then I suffer.
Depression.
Exhaustion.
Disconnection.
Anxiety.
Fear.
Overwhelmed.
And thus the enemy has used lies to get me to stop taking care of myself. In the process, I have spiraled down again. And I feel like I have to start over at square one. Again. And again.
So, as the school year starts, with both kids being in school, I have to seek out the times that I can carve out (even unlikely ones) to care for myself. Caring for myself physically and caring for myself spiritually as well.
I know I have to pursue this intentionally or there will be so many things that crowd in on me that I will not be able to handle it.
My medication has worked enough that I can breathe now, and I can focus enough to write. That is a plus....
....Now with an intentional decision, I am shutting down this computer, and climb into bed with my bible and journal for a bit of time with God before I completely fall asleep.
I worked myself up really well today and tonight.
By the time I got to the orientation with my daughter at her school, I could hardly manage to sit in on it, I was so anxious. I was sick-to-my-stomach-anxious.
When we got home, I managed to get all the things that I think Peter will need into his back pack. All his school supplies are there already, dropped off at his open house last week. So, its just some residual paperwork that had to be signed and turned in to the teacher.
When I got home with Marina, the house was quiet, so I put in a favorite movie, and got her settled in.
Then I went and changed into my pj's and took some of my medication to help my anxiety.
I have 2 different types. One is supposed to be for panic attacks, as they are happening because it is fast acting. The other is a longer term (12 hour) medication to control generalized anxiety. I can use them in combination because sometimes I will still have a panic attack at times while on the longer lasting medication.
I started with the 12 hour med. tonight. Hmm... after about an hour I realized that I still felt like I couldn't breathe and had a tight band around my chest and I was still sick to my stomach. So I went and took half of one of the pills that is for my panic attacks. Just half a dose (the whole thing might have made me too sleepy).
I can breathe a bit better, and maybe enough now to be able to concentrate on praying and writing, as I may not have much of a chance in the morning.
It depends on how the morning plays out, and if I can get up early enough to spend some time in the Word before I have to get Peter to school.
In the summer, I have had the luxury of getting the kids to the farm, or leaving them with dad on some mornings, so that I can get to the church early... some days way earlier than I need to be. Those days I have been able to have as much as 45 minutes sometimes before I actually start work. I have curled up in the sanctuary with some hot coffee, my bible and my journal. Sometimes I have brought in worship music and played at the piano first to focus me and my thoughts.
Now I am going to have to rearrange things for this school year. There is no way that I am going to be able to get in there that early anymore. Not with dropping off either one or two kids, at two different schools before hand. Even on a good day, I might not be able to get there more than 10 minutes early when I have to drop off both kids. When I have to drop off only Peter, I might make it with 20 minutes extra.
Hey, I know I sound like I am complaining. But I have had a really hard time with getting up early in the morning. And with my house in the horrible condition it's in, I have little space to call my own to do a quiet time before I leave home. My desk isn't even a sanctuary because my laptop is on it, and it has piles of paper EVERYWHERE!!!
I need my time with God, now more than ever. I don't know how or when I will get it. But oh, do I need it.
Please pray for me in this area too.
I feel like I am sounding so selfish that the "kids are putting me out by interfering with my time with God" and though I know that the condemning thoughts aren't from God, they are hard to counter.
I have always felt selfish when caring for myself. I know getting good sleep, writing, spending time with God, and having some alone "me" time are parts of self care that I really need to work on.
But I still feel selfish when I take them.
I feel like there are people who look at me and judge me for taking that time out.
Or there are times when I feel like I am getting a cold shoulder because I have taken that time.
So then I stop.
And then I suffer.
Depression.
Exhaustion.
Disconnection.
Anxiety.
Fear.
Overwhelmed.
And thus the enemy has used lies to get me to stop taking care of myself. In the process, I have spiraled down again. And I feel like I have to start over at square one. Again. And again.
So, as the school year starts, with both kids being in school, I have to seek out the times that I can carve out (even unlikely ones) to care for myself. Caring for myself physically and caring for myself spiritually as well.
I know I have to pursue this intentionally or there will be so many things that crowd in on me that I will not be able to handle it.
My medication has worked enough that I can breathe now, and I can focus enough to write. That is a plus....
....Now with an intentional decision, I am shutting down this computer, and climb into bed with my bible and journal for a bit of time with God before I completely fall asleep.
Letting go...
First thing I have to say is that this weekend's Baptismal Service was incredible.
I think I cried through the whole thing, listening to the stories these people had to tell of God's incredible grace and pursuit of them.
And now I know for sure that I was not supposed to be up there with them. After the service was done, I walked away thinking that it was a really good thing I didn't talk to anyone about it. (Well, at least at church anyway)
That part of the day was wonderful, and I was so excited for my friend and her son who were baptized together, prayed for each other up there, and had the courage to get up and share their stories. I was so thrilled for them that afterward I think I hugged them both about three times!
God is so good.
That night, we had a celebration and farewell for our associate pastor and his family. They are planting a new church in a town about 20-25 minutes north of us. Oh, it was so hard to say goodbye that night. Many people gave testimonies of how this pastor and his family have impacted their lives.
My husband made a DVD of pictures put to songs, as a digital scrapbook for them. We showed that at the end, and it helped lighten the mood a little bit. There were many tears shed that night though.
Yesterday morning, as a staff we got together with Pastor Brad, one last time as part of our weekly staff meeting. We were just able to share and talk and enjoy our time together, and it was just good time together.
Once we got back to the office, it was like a normal day, as we were all running about our business and he had a meeting in the morning, and had to run out for some others during the day.
Today is something totally different. He is here with his family cleaning out his office.
He was our associate pastor, but also our youth pastor. He had tons of pictures, posters, books, files, and many other things all over his office. Of all the offices here, it seemed the most "homey" and the most comfortable and inviting. It was a restful, peaceful place that many were invited into during the course of his 12 years here in official ministry.
Now, most of the things are moved out of Pastor Brad's office.
He only has a few more things to go, one of them being his personal desk that has a glass top, under which are many pictures, quotes, bible verses and cards.
His girls and wife are carting things out one at a time. The walls are bare, and he is patching up the holes.
I had a doctor's appointment for the kids this morning, early. I was told one thing by their doctor about my son's bee allergy and his need for close access to his EpiPen (he is 6 and a half). He recommended that it be with him all the time. When I talked to the school nurse, she said that he should have a fanny pack that can have one in it in the classroom for him, and then when he heads to gym or the library or recess, he can just take that with him. I left the EpiPens with her, and told her I would get a fanny pack.
When I had the chance to talk to my husband (he's a nurse by profession) he strongly disagreed that Peter needed to carry it on him at all times. He didn't want him having to hang onto it all the time. He felt carrying it to gym, etc was just "too much." We didn't get to talk about it too much as we were both at work, and I hope to discuss it with him later.
I see both sides. Yes, we want Peter to have one within quick reach, in case he gets stung by a bee. We don't know if he will have another systemic allergic reaction again or not. We have to be prepared. However, my son has a tendency towards fear and worry. I don't want him to be constantly consumed with concerns and worries about if he has the EpiPen with him or not.
Over the summer, he has come to trust that we will carry one with us, so that when he is with us he is fine - the same with his grandparents. I really don't want that to change, so I am not sure how to balance what his doctor said with my son and his reactions to things and the reality of how quickly an allergic reaction could happen.
And I have just realized that I am really having a hard time with letting Peter go back to school without knowing what is going to happen to him, and having to trust that God will take care of him when he isn't with me.
I have trusted that to a certain extent this summer, because for the most part Peter has been near me or someone else who will remember the EpiPen. But what about when he is in school? What about the lunch room, or recess, or the gym class going out the the football field (too far away from an EpiPen if it's left behind) and he gets stung?
And my pastor is moving out of his office.
Planning on not being here tomorrow.
Did I mention that I really don't like this?
It hurts to see him go. It's going to be really quiet around here... and we are going to be missing a key person in our church. There is something about this man of God that breathes life into a room when he walks in.
Though he really is no more than about a half hour from our church, in reality, I know that I won't be seeing much of him anymore. At least not for a while as he establishes his ministry and his own church.
I don't like the idea of walking out of here at the end of the day and having to say goodbye to him.
I have re-read this post, and it is such a mix of concerns and worries and topics. I am sorry, but this post, much like my head, is a jumble of things. I have no time to slow down between now and bed to even think about these things, much less process them and work through them.
I feel overwhelmed and not able to deal with it all because I am working as well, so I don't know HOW to! I can't be there all the time, and I don't have the down time to work it all out, and somehow I have to come home tonight and get Peter ready for school tomorrow, and have something ready to tell his teacher about the EpiPen, if he isn't going to be carrying it around with him all the time.
Then I have to come to work tomorrow morning, knowing that Pastor Brad's office will be empty. I may not even be able to pull away a whole lot tomorrow morning because I will be dropping off Peter at school, so I will be getting to work maybe only 15 minutes early, rather than the 35-40 minutes that I have been used to. I won't get my time in the sanctuary with God the way I want.
Oh please pray for this mother's heart.
Pray for me as again, I have to let things go.
I can't control it all - I know that - but I am a control freak I guess.
Oh God, take control. Help me let go. To trust my children to you. To trust my husband to you. To trust my job to you. To trust my friends to you. And to truly hand them over to you... not yanking them back again. Help me in the letting go, to have peace.
I think I cried through the whole thing, listening to the stories these people had to tell of God's incredible grace and pursuit of them.
And now I know for sure that I was not supposed to be up there with them. After the service was done, I walked away thinking that it was a really good thing I didn't talk to anyone about it. (Well, at least at church anyway)
That part of the day was wonderful, and I was so excited for my friend and her son who were baptized together, prayed for each other up there, and had the courage to get up and share their stories. I was so thrilled for them that afterward I think I hugged them both about three times!
God is so good.
That night, we had a celebration and farewell for our associate pastor and his family. They are planting a new church in a town about 20-25 minutes north of us. Oh, it was so hard to say goodbye that night. Many people gave testimonies of how this pastor and his family have impacted their lives.
My husband made a DVD of pictures put to songs, as a digital scrapbook for them. We showed that at the end, and it helped lighten the mood a little bit. There were many tears shed that night though.
Yesterday morning, as a staff we got together with Pastor Brad, one last time as part of our weekly staff meeting. We were just able to share and talk and enjoy our time together, and it was just good time together.
Once we got back to the office, it was like a normal day, as we were all running about our business and he had a meeting in the morning, and had to run out for some others during the day.
Today is something totally different. He is here with his family cleaning out his office.
He was our associate pastor, but also our youth pastor. He had tons of pictures, posters, books, files, and many other things all over his office. Of all the offices here, it seemed the most "homey" and the most comfortable and inviting. It was a restful, peaceful place that many were invited into during the course of his 12 years here in official ministry.
Now, most of the things are moved out of Pastor Brad's office.
He only has a few more things to go, one of them being his personal desk that has a glass top, under which are many pictures, quotes, bible verses and cards.
His girls and wife are carting things out one at a time. The walls are bare, and he is patching up the holes.
That's the external activity going on. But let me tell you, the internal turmoil in me is matching the level of external turmoil.
I had a doctor's appointment for the kids this morning, early. I was told one thing by their doctor about my son's bee allergy and his need for close access to his EpiPen (he is 6 and a half). He recommended that it be with him all the time. When I talked to the school nurse, she said that he should have a fanny pack that can have one in it in the classroom for him, and then when he heads to gym or the library or recess, he can just take that with him. I left the EpiPens with her, and told her I would get a fanny pack.
When I had the chance to talk to my husband (he's a nurse by profession) he strongly disagreed that Peter needed to carry it on him at all times. He didn't want him having to hang onto it all the time. He felt carrying it to gym, etc was just "too much." We didn't get to talk about it too much as we were both at work, and I hope to discuss it with him later.
I see both sides. Yes, we want Peter to have one within quick reach, in case he gets stung by a bee. We don't know if he will have another systemic allergic reaction again or not. We have to be prepared. However, my son has a tendency towards fear and worry. I don't want him to be constantly consumed with concerns and worries about if he has the EpiPen with him or not.
Over the summer, he has come to trust that we will carry one with us, so that when he is with us he is fine - the same with his grandparents. I really don't want that to change, so I am not sure how to balance what his doctor said with my son and his reactions to things and the reality of how quickly an allergic reaction could happen.
And I have just realized that I am really having a hard time with letting Peter go back to school without knowing what is going to happen to him, and having to trust that God will take care of him when he isn't with me.
I have trusted that to a certain extent this summer, because for the most part Peter has been near me or someone else who will remember the EpiPen. But what about when he is in school? What about the lunch room, or recess, or the gym class going out the the football field (too far away from an EpiPen if it's left behind) and he gets stung?
I have to let go of control.
A letting go.
Letting God.
And my pastor is moving out of his office.
Planning on not being here tomorrow.
Did I mention that I really don't like this?
It hurts to see him go. It's going to be really quiet around here... and we are going to be missing a key person in our church. There is something about this man of God that breathes life into a room when he walks in.
A loss to grieve.
Though he really is no more than about a half hour from our church, in reality, I know that I won't be seeing much of him anymore. At least not for a while as he establishes his ministry and his own church.
I don't like the idea of walking out of here at the end of the day and having to say goodbye to him.
Another letting go.
I have re-read this post, and it is such a mix of concerns and worries and topics. I am sorry, but this post, much like my head, is a jumble of things. I have no time to slow down between now and bed to even think about these things, much less process them and work through them.
I feel overwhelmed and not able to deal with it all because I am working as well, so I don't know HOW to! I can't be there all the time, and I don't have the down time to work it all out, and somehow I have to come home tonight and get Peter ready for school tomorrow, and have something ready to tell his teacher about the EpiPen, if he isn't going to be carrying it around with him all the time.
Then I have to come to work tomorrow morning, knowing that Pastor Brad's office will be empty. I may not even be able to pull away a whole lot tomorrow morning because I will be dropping off Peter at school, so I will be getting to work maybe only 15 minutes early, rather than the 35-40 minutes that I have been used to. I won't get my time in the sanctuary with God the way I want.
Oh please pray for this mother's heart.
Pray for me as again, I have to let things go.
I can't control it all - I know that - but I am a control freak I guess.
Oh God, take control. Help me let go. To trust my children to you. To trust my husband to you. To trust my job to you. To trust my friends to you. And to truly hand them over to you... not yanking them back again. Help me in the letting go, to have peace.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
For the most part...
This week has been pretty good.
For the most part.
I have pushed back the depression.
For the most part.
I have written in my journal and expressed my emotions to God.
For the most part.
I have worked on trying to enjoy the pleasant moments that come to me.
For the most part.
For the most part.
I have pushed back the depression.
For the most part.
I have written in my journal and expressed my emotions to God.
For the most part.
I have worked on trying to enjoy the pleasant moments that come to me.
For the most part.
But today, though it's sunny out and there is a warm gentle breeze in the air, I'm tired.
I have laundry to do, and somehow come up with a dinner plan with what I have in the house. I'm too tired to go out and buy something, anything to make the meal plan easier or better.
This weekend we have a special Sunday. There is going to be a baptism. Not just of one person, but of about 6 or 7. Four of them are new believers within this past year or so. One couple is a mother and her son.
I am so excited for them!
We are centering our whole church service around them. Our pastor might say a little bit as a reflection, but their testimonies are going to be our sermon really. I mean, who can refute what God has done in their lives? What else could possibly convict us more of any sins or encourage those of us who are discouraged?I know that God is going to work and it's going to be a special weekend and I celebrate with them.
For the most part.
For the most part.
I think part of me is jealous a little bit. I mean, I was baptized as an adult believer. At this church. I did it back in November of 2002. My husband had already been baptized not long after he had become a Christian. I never had. I felt that my public confession of faith was when I was confirmed in front of the church that Dave and I were eventually married at.
I never saw the need to be baptized as an adult. I was baptized as a baby, and I knew that wasn't right, or enough. I knew after I became a believer that there had to be more, a public confession. So, I was discipled by a Lutheran pastor and he did a special confirmation service for me, in front of that whole church, with my family in attendance.
The reason I was baptized at this church was because it was a requirement to become a member.
I agreed with that.
For the most part.
For the most part.
The other part of me was, well, not exactly happy. I didn't think that because I wasn't baptized as a believing adult, but instead did a public confession through confirmation as a believing adult, that I should be "barred" from membership in the church.
I did it, as I look back on it, because it was a requirement to become a member of the church. Something I had to do. To me then if felt like a hoop made by man to "jump through" to qualify. It was something that I had to do so that I could become part of this family that I so wanted to be a part of. To be accepted.
I was reflecting on this the other day, and realized that I wish I could be baptized again. But this time with the right attitude behind it. I think the wish behind it was that I really would make it a public confession. To my family. To Dave's family. When I was baptized in 2002, I didn't tell any of them. I kept it quiet, because to me it was just a requirement for membership at the time.
I won't be baptized again, because that isn't what adult baptism is about. It is about a public confession that someone has turned away from their old life, and given their hearts and lives to Christ. I have already publicly confessed that.
I guess what I want is a special touch. From God.
For the most part.
For the most part.
I need something tangible. I want something tangible. I want something public(ish). Not to get attention, but to finally get to the point of laying down some things. Some things that I have been carrying and not really told anyone about - it's just been me and God - and my counselor with some of it.
Our church doesn't do alter calls. It used have times during one service a month where people could come forward for special prayer. It is an option (not widely known, I don't think) that people can have the Overseers of our church come and anoint them with oil and lay hands on them and pray for/over them.
I don't really know how to express what I desire in my heart, or what I need. I don't know what else to say.
I am still struggling with finding this depression coming back down on me so hard... even though I am not in the same place I was before, it still feels the same... that suffocating darkness.
I struggle with letting things get between me and God. I turn away from them, then go back to them, then turn away from them again. And I feel guilty
I would love to have those things "washed away" though I know that baptism really won't do that.
I guess I would really love to have someone else to pray over me, for me. My small group leader and his wife are more than overwhelmed, with Henry's death, with their own problems, with the different needs and hard times all of us have gone through individually. Besides, we haven't met for a month.
I don't really know how to put things into words well right now.
I am so thankful that God knows my heart. I am so grateful that He can redeem anything - including my attitude and interior motives when I was baptized. I am so glad He can redeem the bad things out of my past. Redeem and buy back and restore the things that depression takes away from me.
And oh, His forgiveness and patience with me. Though I find myself clinging to worthless idols. When I cling to God, His grace covers me.
I know Jesus is more than enough for me. I know that He can take so many things that are bothering me in my life right now, things that are struggles and love me through them and keep me in His arms and that He can cover it all. He is more than enough for all my mistakes.
This weekend I will see and hear the testimonies to those very things. In the lives of people that I care about, and those I am just starting to get to know.
So, I will rejoice with them.
For the most part.
For the most part.
Because that other part of me still wishes for that chance to "do over" my baptism. That other part of me wants to be up there with them.
But this is their story.
Mine is different.
But God has authored them all.
Mine is different.
But God has authored them all.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Redeem this....
This title was borrowed from someone else.... actually from her post.
I have been reading her blog for a while now. Many of her posts stand out to me for many different reasons, and I keep going back.
I wouldn't have Lyla's job for all the world. Assessing other people's damages, losses to fires, storms, etc... to figure out how much it is all worth in dollars, and having to separate herself from the incalculable losses of things that can't be replaced......
Things that can't be redeemed....
Except by God.
Please do take a moment to read her post,
"Redeem This"
It's well worth the time.
I have been reading her blog for a while now. Many of her posts stand out to me for many different reasons, and I keep going back.
I wouldn't have Lyla's job for all the world. Assessing other people's damages, losses to fires, storms, etc... to figure out how much it is all worth in dollars, and having to separate herself from the incalculable losses of things that can't be replaced......
Things that can't be redeemed....
Except by God.
Please do take a moment to read her post,
"Redeem This"
It's well worth the time.
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