The push and pull...

This tendency I have to just resist God isn’t just resisting him.  Resisting Him the way I am is a sin… it’s out and out disobedience.  Not doing what God wants us to do {disobedience} is a sin.  I can’t get around it any other way.

I know what God wants me to do.  I want to do it, and find ultimate healing in the process.  At the same time there is this part of me that is digging in and hunkering down.  There is this push and pull inside me between what I want to do and what I should do.  What I know is right, and what I willfully want to do.

What I am really doing is hardening my heart against God.

Good grief! 

I mean look at what God did to the Israelites!  Even though we are under the new covenant now, can I possibly think that God might let me get away with outright hardening of my heart against what He is wanting me to do?

It’s not like He’s wanting me to do anything that is some huge feat.  He wants me to take care of myself so that I can heal.

Simple.

Straight forward.

Self-Care.

If I don’t take care of myself, my mind and my emotions and my spirit are not going to be able to heal the way they need to.

Eating.  Yes, I am having problems with food.  It started with really being sick every time I tried to eat because I was so emotionally upset by some things that started flooding in.  I got to the point in the past month where really I have been eating one small meal a day, cause that’s all I have been able to force myself to do.  Now I am finding that I don’t want to eat.  I get hungry, but feel better when my stomach is empty than when I eat.  I mean I eat when I have to, but when I do, my stomach still feels sort of upset, and doesn’t take very kindly to it.

I did talk to my counselor about, so she knows.  Tricia said to me that for a while you can control the food, but soon it takes over and you find that it’s controlling you.  I know I have to be careful here with this.  I don’t want to get even more unhealthy and go backwards rather than forward.  But at the same time, I am still struggling with the letting go that I need to do.

My meds.  Yes, I am still struggling with this too.  I have been fiddling with my anti-depressant, exactly what I tell others not to do.  Yet I take it one day, and skip a day or two, then take it another day or so, and skip another day or so… and on it goes.  Again, not the way I should be taking care of myself, not the way I would want my friends to take care of themselves.

Those are the main two areas that I am struggling with.  I talked about both of them with Tricia yesterday.  She asked me, focusing in more on the medication at the moment, why I wasn’t taking it.  It took me a long time to answer her, but finally I came up with a couple of things.

The first was that it was something I could control.  Like I am saying to God, “Ok, you can have there and there, but I am going to control this here and this one over here.”  Then I perceive that I have some control somewhere in my life, when other things seem so out of control.  That perception of control makes the swirling of the storms that come around me from time to time, seem less scary and out of control.

The other was that I feel like I don’t really deserve to take the medications that will make me feel better, almost as a punishment for the things that happened in the past.  I don’t deserve to eat because I did such things, and allowed such things, and I am worthless, not worth saving, and helpless, and the only thing there is despair and on and on and on the lies go. 

See, I even know they are lies. 

I am leading the Bible Study, “Believing God” and I still am struggling with believing, actively believing God that I am who He says I am, that He can do what He says He can do, including heal me from my past and present, protect me in the future, forgive and redeem me.

But how much of my struggle is just simple rebellion, plain and simple hardening of my heart against the truth of God?

How much do I have to go through before I finally give in?

I have moments (like on Sunday) where I let down the walls.  Moments where I let God control.  Moments where I feel the freedom of that release and submission.

But they don’t last long, and I find myself wrapped back up in the same old thought patterns.

Even when I am trying to fill my mind with the truth, even when I am getting support and prayers and encouragement from others, going to counseling, working through a Bible study to keep me closer to Him, there is this stubborn core of me that feels like a little kid. 

You know that kid.

The one who closes her eyes, plugs her ears, and yells “La, la, la, I can’t hear you….”

That’s what I feel like is part of me inside.

I don’t know to reach out to that little girl and pull her hands away from her ears and hold her and hug her and let her know that God isn’t going to hurt her.  That He just wants to love her and lead her into her Promised Land. 

To get to my Promised Land, I need to stop looking back and look ahead to the future land that is coming to me.  Yes, it may seem to be filled with giants and scary and too big and too much.  However, God is with me.  He is walking with me.  I have to keep on stepping out in faith and purpose to follow Him no matter what.

I’m not sure that I’m willing.  Willing to let go.  Willing to face the surrender, the lack of control.

It means freedom. 

That freedom means open armed, open handed surrender and submission to God.  I need to throw open my arms and stop protecting my heart and putting up walls between me and my God.

Oh God, break this hard heart of mine.  Make me willing to be willing.  Change my heart, renew my mind.  Break through this hard shell I have built up and help me to move forward again, and not go backwards any more.  Because you know, even as I pray this that part of me is still trying to plan how to hang on to what I want to hang on to.  My will, my desires, my ideas are what need to get torn down, because they are becoming such idols in my life that I find myself only serving you half-heartedly.  Bits and pieces.  Here and there.  Once in a while, as I listen to you and decide to do what you want in that instance.  I don’t want to live like that any more.  I hate the push and pull in my heart.  I hate the tug of war that I am feeling between doing what you want and doing what I want.  I hate knowing what I should do, and the exhaustion of try to fight myself, fight through the junk to do it.  What is holding me back, God?  What is keeping me from progressing and healing as fast as I did last time, as Tricia noted?  What is stopping me from working as hard as I used to, to get healed?  Because You know I can’t keep on going this way much longer.  You know that I finally agreed to have Tricia hold me accountable to taking my medications.  You know that I finally agreed to eat two meals a day, even if they are small and that Cindy is going to hold me accountable to that.  You know that I want to take the right steps.  But you know that I don’t at the same time.  There is such opposition and fear, that I know isn’t from You.  God, You know what I need better than I do myself.  Help me to let go and let You and find the incredible paradox of freedom in submission to Your authority.

Living for Him = obedience

It has been a long week or so, fighting off a sinus infection.

I am still not up to full speed, after a week on anti-biotic.  I still feel stuffy, though not as bad as I was last weekend.

This morning I had to lead worship.
Now that I'm done leading, I'm exhausted.

Wednesday's rehearsal went relatively well.  At least everyone else probably thought so.  However halfway through the rehearsal found me nearly in tears.  I had not been into work until noon, because I knew I had to stay late for rehearsal.  I was exhausted, and I still wasn't feeling the best.

I made it to rehearsal, but was having a hard time hearing, because my head was so plugged up.  It didn't help that we were introducing a new song that I had sung only a few times, with people who knew it.  None of them were with me that night, and I was having a hard time with the rhythm.  Between the piano player and the drum player, I was hearing two different things.

I was so close to tears that I had to move the rehearsal along to the next songs because I couldn't do any more.

This morning every single song went really well in the rehearsal.  When we were done with rehearsal, I knew that I was going to be closing the set right before communion with prayer.  So I looked up a few scriptures to use to pray through/with and did a quick photo copy of the pages to blow up the size a bit.

We did our opening set, I opened in prayer and turned it over our pastor.

When our pastor started his sermon, I kind of felt like God was pressing on me the words of the song.  THE song.  The one I had been struggling with the rhythms in rehearsal.  I felt like He was asking me to really think about them. 

"We bow our hearts,
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit, come make us humble."

And then our pastor started talking about partnering with God (through prayer), being devoted to the mission (doing what He told us to do in prayer - being obedient) and then keeping Christ central.

As he spoke, I felt the Spirit speaking to me.... I started praying and Pastor Kim's words just started sinking into my spirit.  God really used that time of the sermon to get to me.  To get me to humble myself, seek some forgiveness, and ask God what He wanted me to do.

I felt like I had to share something about this new song with the congregation before they learned it.

So I got up there without any other plans than to open my mouth and let God speak.  I really didn't know what to say.  I'm still not sure what all I did say.

When I got up front and got the mic, I asked our sound tech to put the words up for the song.  I shared that we were going to be doing a new song, but before they concentrated on learning a song, I wanted them to really pay attention to the words, so that if they couldn't engage in the singing, they could engage with their hearts and minds with the words.

I read through all the words of the song, and said that if we were going to be God's people, really seeking His face, really seeking to do His will and obey Him, we needed to humble ourselves before Him.  We need to tear down our idols and focus our hearts and mind on Him, worshiping no one and no other thing.

My heart, and words just came out, that I don't remember.  But I invited them, as we started the song to stand, sit or kneel as they fell led, and to truly humble themselves.

It took all I had to keep from crying.  I had to stop a few times because I started to choke up.  I coudn't tell God no - well I could have.  I could have not said a word.  I could have just said that we were introducing a new song, and to stand and join in as they learned it. 

But God wanted more.

I can't ask Him to speak to me, then ignore something He says cause it's uncomfortable to do - and then walk away and ask Him to speak to me in some other area, when I haven't obeyed Him in the first area.  That was something Pastor Kim said today.

He said, "God cannot work through disobedient servants."

It was a moment for me this morning when I knew that I did exactly what God really wanted me to do and didn't shrink from it.  I kept seeking Him the whole time, to make sure that there was nothing of "me" in it. 

I think that if the real desire of my heart is to live for Him, I really have to start doing it.  There are so many other things that I am fighting with, things where I am resisting Him in.  But if I keep on resisting Him, how really am I living for Him?  I am living for myself, just saying I'm living for Him, but not fully.  Not totally sold out.  Only living for Him when it's convenient for me.



I don't know what is going to come of it.  If I will be able to follow through in other areas in my life.  But I just know that He is changing me - working in me yet again.

I have counseling tomorrow afternoon, in the middle of my work day.  When I am done, I have to return to work out the rest of the day.  I don't know for sure what we will work through, that is in God's hands and not something I should really try to control.

There have been so many things that have gone down this past week to 10 days, that I don't know where to start with her, much less here on my blog!  And there is still stuff from the past that isn't resolved either!

But, even with all that - the words of this song, "Give Us Clean Hands," still haunt me even now.

Below is a video from You Tube that is the closest to how we did it that I can find at the moment.  It has all the words right along with it, so you can read along.

God did something this morning, in my heart, that I am still trying to figure out.  The feelings of repentance, humbling of self, seeking God to give me clean hands and a pure heart, tearing down idols.... I don't know where it is leading.  But I know that God did something, and is continuing to.  I am praying that He won't let me dismiss it, or stop following Him, stop obeying Him where He wants me to.

God's fingerprints...

It has been such a long weekend.  Our Annual Celebration at our church went really well.  People had a wonderful time at our "Mexican Fiesta" themed evening. 

We had a taco bar, a quiz about Mexico, mexican cheesecake, a pinata for the kids, and the "Year in Review" slide show DVD.  We had a lower turn out than expected, but it was a warm cozy atmosphere.

When I woke up yesterday, I knew I was in trouble though.  I had been feeling better the last couple of days, though still sick, but had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.  When I woke, I felt much worse.  But with all the things I had to do, I knew that I wasn't going to have time to go to the walk-in clinic until this afternoon, after church.

So, I dosed up on medicine and went through my day yesterday, and this morning.  When I got up this morning, I found myself very dizzy and it was difficult to get myself moving.  I ended up making it through church and our annual business meeting.  After the business meeting, I was able to talk briefly to my friend, Cindy.

After talking to me, Cindy nearly pushed me out the door of the church to go to the walk-in.  I was right.  I was running a low grade fever, and have a sinus infection.  So, I got my meds, picked up my son from the grandparents farm, and he and I watched a movie and rested on the couch together this afternoon and evening.

But, a God thing happened today, that I need to share.

Here I am, at the tail end of a busy weekend, and I can see all that God did this weekend to make it all happen... even giving me a bit of quiet time alone at the church yesterday in a lull between things.

Something big happened this morning though.  As I was getting ready for church, the name of someone I know popped into my head.  I have been praying for her for a while now, but with this whole weekend, though I had thought about her, there had been no specific prayers.  But this morning, I just started praying around 8am or so, maybe a bit earlier, for her.  I remember specifically asking God to keep her safe, and to help her know that He is with her, for some specific healing that she is needing, among other things.  I also remember saying to God that I really didn't know what else to pray for her, but that He did, He knew what she needed, so to just work in her life.

I got to church, we started the service, and opening with some worship.  After that we had announcements and then Pastor Kim got up to share with us some prayer requests and lead us in a prayer time.  When he got up there, he shared with us that someone at church had gotten a call from this woman I had prayed for.  She was in the ER, having flipped her truck three times, totaling it.

We immediately spent time praying for her.  I later was able to connect with one of this gals friends, who told me that the accident had probably happened right around the time I was praying.

Praise God she is all right.  A friend told me she has some cuts on her hands, and cut the back of her head, but because she had her seatbelt on, she didn't get thrown from the truck.  All the windows were shattered, and I guess she actually climbed out of one of the windows just as the EMT's got there.  She hit a patch of black ice as she was driving, and that was it.

I haven't seen her, probably won't be able to, but am so grateful to know that she is all right, and that she is with friends who are going to be checking on her throughout the night in case of a concussion.  She is the single mom of a young man.  I can't imagine how he's reacting right now, knowing what happened.  One of my friends said that there is not one straight piece of metal on that truck, that it is a miracle that she survived this accident.

God orchestrated when I would be praying.  He orchestrated that no other cars would be involved.  He made sure she was buckled in, and that the EMTs arrived when they did.  God also orchestrated our church body to help her.  One friend drove two others to her at the hospital, and then got someone to go find her truck and get her things out of it.  One of the gals at the hospital with her was able to go to her house and get her some necessary things for the night.  Another friend is taking her and her son in for the night so she isn't alone and her son doesn't have to take on a burden of caring for her.

God's hand was in all of it, and I am so grateful for the glimpse I got today of how He works, and how He works through us, His body, when we are all functioning as one, when we are listening actively to Him, ready and willing to do what He says.  I am thrilled by how He let me see His fingerprints all over it.

Laying low

Yesterday and today I have been doing my best to lay low.

You see, I got the creeping crud that has been taking everyone else out.  And, when mommy's sick, daddy's working, kids are in school, it's one thing - I was able to get some rest on Thursday, but yesterday and today, everyone has pretty much been home, and I have been "on call," as it were.

There is also another complication.  Our church administrator (me) asked our resident computer/slide show guru (my husband) to put together a "Year in Review" slide show - utilizing pictures taken through the whole year of 2010 that she had collected.  Running a bit (ok, a little more than a bit) behind schedule, she handed him over 18 GB worth of photos and videos.

Oh, not only that many photos and videos, but also a digital video camera with footage from a baptism we held in August.  With the video still on the tape, not in the computer.

My guru is currently working on figuring out how to pull the video off the tape/camera and put it on his computer.  He's arguing with the camera, till he found a output connection he needed, now he's mumbling and arguing with the computer and software issues trying to get this off.

He wouldn't be working on this so hard if the administrator (me) had remember to bring our still camera to the baptism to get photos of all 8 or 9 that were baptized at the same time.  This was one of the first times in a long time we did a baptism, especially in the summer, inside our church.  But we put it right in the service because these folks, their testimonies are so powerful, we really wanted their stories and their baptisms to be the sermon.  It was a powerful service, and extremely moving for our church body to see first hand God working in these folks lives.  And what a celebration we had!

So, all that to say, we really want bits of this video imbedded in the slide show.

The complication is added to when it was realized that my dear, sweet husband works next weekend, and the slide show needs to be ready to go for me on Saturday morning.  He has this weekend to put it together.  And a few evenings and a day or so this coming week.

Needless to say, I have had to be up and "with it" to keep the kids occupied.  I had no idea what to do today, but Angela's family was staying at a hotel in town, with a pool, and invited me and the kids to come play with them.  So, off we went.  I was exhausted before I even got up this morning, so getting them there was a challenge, but once they were there, and acclimated to the water, I could settle in, and finally was able to relax in the hot tub for a bit.  Literally for two kids who can't swim, they got used to that pool fast and had a blast.

That took care of the middle of the day... they got home and crashed out on the couch and played quietly.  I was able to flop on the bed for a bit while daddy took care of supper, as he was at a pause in his work.  Then I crashed with them on the couch, watched a bit of tv and helped get them into bed.

I am heading to bed soon, cause I am still feeling cruddy (not as bad as this morning, but if it takes me this long to get going tomorrow, I'm gonna be in trouble getting us out of the door to church!).

In the process of laying low, I have been reading and writing in my journal, but not many of my thoughts are clear, so I haven't wanted to share a lot here.  I have been so emotional through last week, and last weekend, that now it feels like everything has numbed out.  I know that may not necessarily be true, it may be the cold working against that, and God helping me get through a couple of very busy, tough weeks.... weeks that can't be easily navigated with emotions ranging all over.

That being said, I talked with a friend on Wednesday.  We chatted for a while, and it helped me, though it was a bit painful, to realize that I have been pulling in on myself the blame and shame for several different things that have happened in the past.  I have been taking on the other person's responsibilities.  Not just in recent days, but I am realizing it is applying more and more to the relationship I am working through with Tricia.

I spent some time after our conversation in the sanctuary, in tears.  I just have been so tired.  With little sleep, and little food.... well, that doesn't help the emotions, much less the body in fighting off a cold.

So, though I have done little writing here recently, God is working in me and on me.  He's writing on my heart some of the things that I need to remember.  There are just too many to put to word here.  I am still trying to figure out what they all are.  Then I need to somehow get myself off the old paths, old grooves in my thoughts and get into new ones... make new paths based on the Truth, not the lies of the past.

Laying low is what I am doing.  Keeping my head down and trying to get through what I have to.  At the same time, God is still working on me... sometimes that's the best time for Him to get close enough for me to hear His whispers... when I'm laying low and have cut out the "fluff" of life that overtakes me so many times.  When I get down to bare bones living, doing the bare minimum, those are the times when I am ready to listen.  Just praying I remember what I have heard during this time.

Now, as I am nearly dozing as I try to write any more - I am off to try to get some better sleep than I did last night.

(Oh, and as of yet, my guru husband can't get the video off this camera.  First the software he was downloading wasn't compatible with Windows 7, so he moved to a Windows XP machine.  As of now, he has said that unless something happens, there is no way for him to pull off the video.  He doesn't have the drivers and software needed for the video camera, and its so old, Sony doesn't even have the drivers on line.  Unless the owners of the camera happen to have their software disks for their camera, and are actually able to find time.... no pictures or videos of the baptism.... my husband is very disgusted at the moment....)

Themes coming back....

I remember writing back several posts ago how I felt that God was giving me the theme of faith and hope.

Interestingly, the bible study that I picked to do as our women's study is Beth Moore's Believing God.  All about having a forward moving, active faith.

At the same time, I signed on to do the 1st and 15th Siesta Scripture Memory Team.  On Beth Moore's blog, she has challenged as many of us who will take her up on it, to work on memorizing two bible verses a month, picking a new one every 1st and 15th of the month.

I had picked Hebrews 10:22 for my first one, which talked about drawing near to God, with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith.  All about faith.

Well, as things have gone on the past week or so, finding myself really at a low point, lower than I have been in a long while, I talked to God about it this morning.

Thursday had been an emotionally difficult day.  I had a 90 minute session with Tricia.  We started working through a lot of the relationship with this guy back in college.  It was very difficult to have read my "no send" letter to her the previous week, but it was even harder to feel like I was living it all over again.  Tricia guided me through things, but by the time I was done, I was really done.  Emotionally I felt like I had been through a wringer, and physically too, I had nothing left.

I have been having trouble eating, because when my emotions are all over the place and in knots, so is my stomach, and I have been eating very little.  I also have been sleeping very little.  So at the end of the session Tricia had me think about the place where I felt safe.  And as I thought about it, I felt like God was holding me and I told Him I just couldn't keep on going or take another step.  It felt to me like he was saying, "It's ok, I'll take it for you."  I had a sense of rest in my exhaustion.

As Tricia realized just how exhausted I was, she asked if I had some time to myself before the kids came home.  I told her I did, and she encouraged me to go home and take a nap.  I said I was just plain tired and wanted to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide.  She said she was ok with that, as long as it would get me some sleep.  So, I left her office, went down the hall and was even too exhausted to cry in the bathroom.  I got in my car, talked to Cindy for a few moments and headed home.

I slept.  I actually slept.  I called Cindy when I got home cause my mind was racing like crazy.  She prayed for me, asking for God's peace and protection among other things, and it was like a switch was flipped.  She said she would continue to pray when we got off the phone, and I hung up and was asleep within seconds.

Then yesterday morning I had a wonderful time at the local coffee shop.  I was able to do some good studying of the bible, working through a bit of my Believing God study (I am starting to work ahead of the other ladies so I can be prepared, and will go back and review each week as we go).  I also had the privilege of my daughter falling asleep on me there for a while.  She snuggled in and I was able to keep on writing and studying and reading as she slept.

But I had a rough afternoon.  Just got side-swiped by some things.  I knew something like this was coming, but it still surprised me with the intensity of my emotional reaction to them.  I was really in the pits last night and it wasn't pretty.  My poor husband had no idea what to do with me.  That's ok, neither did I.

That brings me back to this morning.  I took off to run some errands and stopped at the coffee shop for a hazelnut breve, and settled in with my bible study.  I just needed a break to kind of recover and regroup from yesterday.  Before I started though, I talked to God about my week.  I told Him I really needed a shot of hope because I didn't see any.  I was looking around in Romans, and decided to flip back to Hebrews 10 to read the context around my previous verse (22).  When I did I saw verse 23 and knew that was the one for me this time.

Get this one:

"Without wavering let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise."

Hebrews 10:23 New Living Translation

I mean, really?  There is a God thing for sure.  He answered my prayer for a verse on hope within a few moments of me asking Him.  I saw answered prayer.  That in itself is a shot of hope.

I have to hold tightly to the hope I say I have.  I need to see God's promises to me.  I have to otherwise I am going to go crazy.  I don't say that lightly.  I need the hope or I sink into despair.  But there are some days I don't have the strength to hold onto the hope.  This week has been full of them, yet somehow I keep on moving forward.  I don't know how.  It's only God.

I need to cling to the hope that God is Jehovah Rapha, the God who Heals.  That He will bring healing into my life - continue what He has started in my life - and continue what He has started in the lives of those around me who are hurting so badly.  I have to cling to the promises that I am loved, redeemed, secure, chosen, significant, accepted, precious, honored, a treasure, pure.  I need to find bible verses on those and start choosing to read, pray through and meditate on those every time the lies come in, and the pain floods my heart, and the thoughts and worries overtake me.

I am looking forward to church tomorrow and not.  I am looking forward to worshiping with others, though I have a feeling there will be tears in the process.  I am looking forward to seeing Cindy and Sandy and some of my other friends there.  But there are reasons that it is going to be painful in the going.  Things that are reminders.  Reminders of things I am going to have to grieve the loss of, though there is hope of restoration.  (See another area of loss that I need to see hope in.)

My anxiety level is high.
My capacity to withstand any more "blows" is very low.
My fear of the unknown is high.

In the face of all that I need to hold tightly to the hope I say I have WITHOUT WAVERING because God can be trusted to keep His promises!

Oh Lord, help me.  I believe, but please help me overcome my unbelief!!  Strengthen me and sustain me for I am so weak.  Help me to relax in your hands and cling to You who are the hope we all are looking for.

Letting go... surrender

How do I write out what's in my heart when I don't know what's there?

How do I try to express myself, when I feel numb?

How do I take care of myself the way I am supposed to?

I don't want to eat.

I'm afraid to sleep cause of the bad dreams.

My stomach flips and flops at the thought of food.

I struggle with having to take the meds I need.

I don't want to take them.

Obviously I am not doing well today.

I actually am better than yesterday.  Sunday evening I cried till I was nearly sick.  Then calmed down a bit and did some writing in my journal. Then cried myself to sleep.

Yesterday I got to work, sat in the sanctuary for a bit and tried to pray, and just sobbed some more.

Today.  No tears.  Nothing.  I feel flat.  Maybe that is a good thing.

I have to go see Tricia on Thursday afternoon for my appointment with her.  I just am, well scared to go I guess.  Because I don't want to face the junk that is there from that letter I wrote.

I keep on reading today things that talk about how only God can fill our empty places.  How we need to let go of control of things, because God has it all already.  How it's through the hardest times that the most worthwhile things come.

I know all that in my head.  My heart doesn't get it.  Maybe I do believe that God should punish me for all that I did wrong.  I think I do believe that I deserved what I got, and that I don't deserve any better.

I should get mad at the enemy for using something so awful like that to affect me for so long.  But in reality, all I have been able to do is get mad at myself and beat myself up more. 

A friend asked me, what am I running from?  Why am I trying to sabotage myself by not doing my part in caring for myself until my appointment?  She said that maybe that would be something to focus on until the appointment rather than what is coming.

The problem with that is, I think I am running from God because I know He is going to "make" me face what I don't want to.  (Not that He will force me to, but once I get into Tricia's office, I know I am going to go ahead with it, because that's who I am and how I'm wired)  I don't want to face the lies... because seeing the truth up next to them is so extremely painful.

How can the truth be so painful?
Or is that just a perspective thing?
Probably the lie is what is so painful, and the enemy is twisting it to make me think the truth is the painful one.... I don't know.

Why am I sabotaging myself?  I don't know for sure.  Maybe as a backhanded way of punishing myself for my part in the relationship?  Maybe I am listening to the lies too much - the lies that are shouting in my head that I'm not worth it, not worth anything.  That I'm just a piece of junk, and that I don't deserve my husband and my kids and don't deserve to be happy.

I know that those are lies, but I can't seem to get myself beyond them.  In Deuteronomy 7:6 (I'm going to personalize it and paraphrase it) It says that God chose me to be His.  To be his treasured possession.  I keep on bumping into that scripture everywhere I turn in the last week.

I read it, and it jars something in me.  It goes contrary to everything I'm feeling and thinking.  I know its the truth.  So I suppose it's bumping up against the lies that are perpetuating my feelings and thoughts.

When I'm where I am at right now (and I've been here before) I feel like all my strength is gone.  Which means the only way I am going to be able to move forward is if God takes the steps for me.  Because I sure can't right now.

No.  I am not saying I want to die.  I am not down that far yet (I don't think) but I sure would love to curl up somewhere and not have to deal with anything or anyone for a good long time.

Isolation

Insulation

Neither are very good for me right now.  But it's where I'm at.

Also, its hard right now because a good friend, who's been a good source of encouragement, and also someone I have been able to help and encourage too, needs a bit of space.  Oh how the enemy tries to use our weaknesses against us, and give things a stir!

This time, I think God may have given things a stir instead, before the enemy could.  I think it is protection.  That's what I had been praying for in our friendship.  Protection and God's will.  Now I am praying it is His protection and that our friendship will endure.

I don't know what the next few weeks are going to look like.  How do I respond?  How much, or when, can I call, or email her?  I know she needs her space to deal with some major stuff she is going through.  But I hate the unknown.  I want to know what it's going to look like in the next few weeks.  How uncomfortable are we going to be with one another?  How do I know when it's ok to call and see how she's doing and make sure she's safe?

I know God's got it.  I know that He love me.  He loves her.  So I know that He has it all under control.  I'm just trying to let go.

Let go.

Of another thing.

Right now, all I feel I can control is my eating, meds, my sleeping... and even that stuff I can't completely control.

Because God is asking me to let go of that stuff too.  To let go and let Him work.  I need to surrender to His will, His way, His timing.  When I try to rush things or slow things down, I know I make things worse.  It's a proven pattern if I look back at my history.

I know I will eventually cave in to what God wants.  I will do what He is asking me to, because everything is going to be pretty miserable if I don't.

So the struggle continues.  My will or His?  My way or His?  My "truth" or His?

Am I going to finally learn to let go and stop fighting Him?  How long does it have to take before I finally stop beating my head against brick walls?!

I guess it's one situation at a time.  I am going to need to try to figure out how the heck to let go and surrender.  Let go of this friendship, stop worrying about her and how she is doing and let God protect and care for her.  Surrender the friendship to God and pray for her rather than worry about her.  Praying is active.  Worry just eats me alive.  I am going to have to let go and surrender to let God heal me too.  I need to stop fighting the healing process.

I guess that is what I am doing right now.  I ask God to change me and show me and lead me and guide me to His next for me.  Then the feelings of being out of control wash over me as change comes, and I start digging in my heels.  I want to cling to what I know.... even if it's not good for me.

I have to let go.

Believe the truth.

Let go of the lies.

Trust my God.

Turn and face the pain.

The only way out of the pain is to face it.

Face it?  Yeah.  About that.  Don't want to.  It hurts bad enough as it is.  But God wants me to let go of the hurt.  He wants me to let Him take my fingers off it, bit by bit, let Him see it, wash it out and heal it.  The longer I hang onto it, the worse the scar will be in the end.

The pain is nearly unbearable as I lay myself out on the alter.  I know.  I have done it before.  God doesn't demand me to, He just asks in a gentle whisper if I trust Him enough to let go.

Let go and let Him.

Right now I see nothing but brick walls.  Walls that I had started to take down in trust, that I am throwing back up as quick as I can.  Walls that have been there for years, concealing fearful things I refused to look at.  Walls that God is wanting to take down a piece at a time to redeem the things behind them.  Walls covering wounds.  Walls that I keep beating my head against, getting nowhere at all.

Thursday - I have to let go of my control and let God take those walls down.  If I don't, I am not going to be able to breathe freely.

I'm scared.
I'm hurting.
I'm in such pain, it almost doesn't hurt to hurt myself more.

Does that make sense?

God, help me let go.  Help me see the hope on the other side of this mess.  Help me see You for who You really are.  Help me believe you.  Not just IN you, but believe you.  Believe that I am who you say I am and You are who you say you are, and that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I don't feel strong.  I feel weak and broken and out of control.  Help me somehow start to do something right for myself... to treat myself as Your treasure... even if I don't feel I am.  Help me to start taking care of myself so that I have the strength to face the things you want me to on Thursday afternoon.  Help me surrender.

truth meeting lies...

I wrote so much last week, having to write that "no send" letter, that I was out of a lot of words, once I wrote about it here last Wednesday.  Now here it is a week later, and a new year, and I find I haven't written at all.

Weird, because writing is such an outlet for me.  I have journaled some, but coming off of such a counseling session on Monday, I am exhausted.

I didn't sleep well over the weekend.  I dealt with a lot of anxiety (still am) and got maybe 4 hours of sleep, max for 3 nights running.  Last night, finally, I slept nearly 7 hours.  I am still exhausted, but feel like I have to keep going to fulfill commitments made.

I am hoping I can get all my work done around the house tonight to be able to rest and not have my mind run away from me.

Monday's session was grueling with Tricia.  Before I went in, I was able to talk with a friend, who gave me a hug and encouraged me to keep on doing what I had to.

I had an hour and a half session.  We talked a little bit at the beginning and I was able to tell her about my Christmas and my father, and everything that had happened.  Then she asked how everything else was, and I shared that I had written the letter.  I shared how hard it was, and how much it took out of me.

She asked if I was willing to read it.  I said that I needed to.  She asked permission to interrupt me if she had questions, and I gave it to her, and then started reading.

Halfway through she interrupted me for only about the 2nd or 3rd time, and asked how much more I had to read.  I told her half, and then she realized we had a 90 minute appointment, not 60 so we were good to go.  When I finished the letter, I was able to sit back, but had a hard time looking her in the eyes, or even in her direction.

She told me, confirmed what I had been thinking in the back of my head I guess, that this really was an abusive relationship, in many aspects, and contained a lot of sexual assault that I had describe in my letter.  That's why it was so painful to write, and nearly impossible to read.  That's why I thought my heart was going to pound right out of my chest before I even entered her office.

For the last 20 minutes of my appointment or so, we talked through some things, but she didn't want to dig too deep because she didn't want to take me to a place that I wasn't safe, and just wanted to really be able to dig into that the next time.

Next week Thursday I have another 90 minute appointment to really start to work through the relationship and pain and anger that is so contained in there.  In the meantime Tricia wants me to think through these three things:

1. What was the worst thing about this (relationship) -- a portion?  The whole thing?
2. What is the negative cognition, what is the lie or lies I am believing because of it?
3. What is the positive cognition, what do I want to believe about myself (the truth) even though this happened?

These I have to come up with between now and then, as it will really not only help me process now, but will shorten the preparation time in our session.  Then we will have more time to do the actual therapy.

I have the letter still in my bag, cause I can't bear to look at it, but am carrying it around with me so I know where it is, and no one else will read it.  I don't know what to do with it yet, or if I am ready to do anything with it yet.  I probably will burn it or something like that.  I do need to get rid of it, but I guess I'm not ready yet.

My emotions have shut down pretty much, and I feel like they are on auto pilot.  I walked with a friend through some pretty tough stuff in the last day or two, so that has distracted me as well.  It helps to focus on someone else for a bit, rather than myself.  It helps me to not feel like I'm drowning in my own "stuff."

One of my friends gave me a "safe place" to go after my session so that I didn't have to go home and deal with children right away, but could have some time to regroup so I didn't come unglued when I had to deal with their demands.

We sat and talked or were quiet as either of us needed.  I was actually able to doze off for a while and rest, when I finally warmed up enough.  We sat and cried together as we shared our stuff with each other, as we felt led and just rested.  When I finally left, I felt like I was in a safer place emotionally than I had been when I got there.  Though I was still exhausted, I at least was able to function and not feel like I was going to lose it with some unsuspecting person.

Now that I am able to get work done and finish up my week at work at least, I am finding myself struggling with wanting to run away from God, from everything, right now, and trying to find somewhere where it is safe for me to just collapse and be me.

I am so grateful for the miracle God performed in a friend's life last night.  She was struggling SO much the past week, and was terrified by some things that had happened the night before, and last night, she slept in peace, for the longest she has in a long time.  That was a miracle in itself, then I got to see her today, and just the change in her countenance that was so apparent was a miracle as well.

So, I am praising God for that, which is drawing me closer to Him.  But I am pushing away from the emotions that I have buried. Pushing away from the things that I know are true. The truth is fighting against the lies that are flying through my head and in my face that are probably rooted in this relationship I am trying to work through.

How can I feel compelled to run and feel myself being drawn at the same time?  Both of them against each other feels like it is pulling me to a complete standstill.  I know that the strength of that which is drawing me and wooing me is much stronger than that which is pushing me and compelling me to run.  But which do I choose?  Moment to moment it seems to swing.

I want time away with God tonight, but there are many things to be done before people come over tomorrow night.  I have less time tomorrow to do things than I had originally planned.  All these things threaten to keep me busy and too occupied to really focus on God or what I know He wants for me.

All I want to do is stop feeling and thinking.  All God wants me to do is allow Him into these so very painful, wounded, abused areas.  I am afraid to open them up.  I don't want to.  I know the hurt of having wounds cleansed.  I know the healing on the other side too.  But I am resisting the cleaning process because of the pain involved.

I was told to care for myself this week.  I was told to treat myself gently.  i found a verse in Deuteronomy 7:6 that a friend picked for her 1st scripture memory verse for the year - and it spoke to me and hurt me at the same time.

"For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God.  Of all the people on earth, the Lord you God has chosen you to be his own special treasure" (NLT)

Chosen to be His own special treasure?  That means I am to treasure myself the way He treasures me.  In spite of what happened.  Really?

And this is where the lies are fighting the truth.  This is where my actions actually back up what I am believing.  Because I don't want to eat, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to treat myself gently, I don't want to take my meds.  The only thing that is making me do some of these things, some of the time is that I have one or two people who know what is going on who are asking me if I have done what I should, or at least expect me to tell them if I have or haven't.

I am better today than I was last week Wednesday after finishing writing the letter.
I am better than I was when I first realized how bad these memories were.
I am better than a few years ago when I first started counseling with Tricia.

I am trying to cling to hope and to have faith.
Where the truth meets the lies and the rubber really hits the road is where I am having some problems.  That's where the impulse to run away comes and I want to flee.  From everyone and everything.

faith AND hope - theme for a new year...

I think God has made it clear to me that I have a theme for this coming year.

Wednesday I talked in my post about hope, and how God seemed to impress it upon my heart.

All day yesterday and today, God rather "hit me over the head" to make sure this thick brain would get it, that I needed to focus on faith and hope (It might end up being faith, hope and love.... but right now, faith and hope are the ones that I really feel like God speaking to me about)

I love Hebrews 11:1
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

But I really like how the New Living Translation says it.
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

I was reading between different blogs, and all of them were pointing towards faith and hope.

I think that this verse from Hebrews is going to be my anchor verse for 2011.  I am going to have it in the front of my scripture memory spiral, and make sure I keep on hanging on to it throughout the year.

Do you find God leading you to a theme for this new year, or any specific bible verses?  If so, I would love to hear yours.

hope...

Yesterday was an extremely hard day.  I didn't know how hard it was going to be as I was driving in to work.

I wish I could have taken a picture of all the trees, bushes, and even weeds and grass that stuck out from under the snow.  They were covered with frost.  Every last one of them, all over them... just white and perfect as could be.

I marveled at it all the way to work, and just from that felt God speaking the word "hope" to me.  I didn't know why, but there it was. 

I had been working on a "no send" letter to this man in my past who abused me and caused me a lot of pain.  Tricia had asked me if I would write it last week at our appointment, and I almost said no to her.  I told her I didn't think I could... but by the end of the appointment, I finally agreed that I would try.

Tricia said that one of the things I should try to do is identify the anger.  Because there is anger there, but I just don't know where it is or how to get at it.  That's why she wanted me to write - because it was a healthy and safe outlet for my anger.

So I had been working on the letter on Monday, on and off as I did other work around the office.  I got to a point where it was past my normal work hours and I just sat in one of the offices, in a recliner that was in there and continued to write.  I had to stop by 6pm because I had to go and pick up my kids.

Once they were in bed that night, I sat in my bed with my computer and continued to write the letter.  It was so hard.  I found myself remembering things that I hadn't before, images were coming into my head that I was so disgusted at.  I have been feeling so dirty and ashamed.

Yesterday, I had some time at work again, because I was the only one in the office and I was waiting for some newsletter articles to be emailed to me.  I worked on the letter on and off, needing to take breaks and work on other things in the meantime, to walk away from the stress the letter was putting on me.

At about 2:30, one of my friends called me before an appointment to see how I was doing.  As I shared what I was going through as I was trying to write it, it was all I could do to keep from having a panic attack.  She could tell there was a lot of panic there, and talked with me a bit until I calmed down some.  She then asked me if the words kept flowing as I was writing.  I told her they were.  But I just wanted to stop.  It was too hard, and too ugly, and to disgusting to me.  I was nearly sick to my stomach and hadn't been able to eat anything cause it made me nauseous every time I thought about food.

She said that I knew myself better than she did, so to take what she suggested with that in mind, but she strongly suggested that I keep on writing and get it all out, purged out of my system.  She said that she would pray for me before she went in to her appointment and then that she would stop by when she was done.

In the meantime, after collapsing on the couch in the office I was working in, in tears and exhaustion, I sat back down at my computer and reluctantly started to type again.

The next time I looked up was through tears as I saw my friend walking into the building out of the corner of my eye.  When she came through the door of the office, I saved my file and closed the computer and nearly dropped it on the floor next to me.

She asked how far I had gotten and I said that I was at page 8 or 9, I don't remember now.  Then she asked how I was doing. 

I just shuddered at first.
Then I was able to start expressing how I was feeling.

I feel dirty.  Used.  Worthless.  Afraid to look anyone in the eye for fear that they will be able to read me like an open book, that they will be able to see the dirtiness that is so apparent to me.  I feel like I am covered in such filth, inside and out, and there is no getting clean.

Those feelings are still there, which is why I put them in the present tense.  Now they aren't as strong, and the feelings are more controllable.  At least today so far.

We talked some more, and she encouraged me, out of her own experiences, the way I have in the past for her.  She cried with me, knowing first hand the pain I was going through.  She encouraged me to try to find something, anything to eat.  Anything that sounded good.  To take care of myself and be gentle with myself.

Prefacing what she had to say again with the idea that I know myself better than she does, she encouraged me to stay here at the church where it was quiet and I was alone, where I felt safe, and keep on writing, as much as I could.

She prayed with me, for me, then got up and gave me a big hug.  We stood in the office facing each other and I couldn't look her in the eyes.  I tried to pull myself together a little bit, and she said to me that I was going to get through this, and that God had made me a strong woman.  I started to cry again and said that I didn't feel like it, and she said she knew, that's why she said it.

As she left she told me that she would keep on praying for me... and to call her later if I needed to.

I sat back down, cried and continued to write until some people started coming in to do some work in the building, and then I packed up and went home to get the kids and finish out my night with them.  Once they were in bed, I managed to eat a couple of eggs and some toast.  It sat very heavy, but at least it was something.

Then, reluctantly I sat back down on my bed, with my laptop and opened up the letter once again.

When I finally finished writing, I was only 400 short of 10,000 words... and came in at about 15 pages.  The exhaustion I felt was total.  I ached, my eyes burned from staring at the computer screen so long and from crying.  My head hurt and my stomach rolled... and I had run out of words finally... and many emotions had poured themselves out through those words.

I saved the letter to my hard drive, and closed up the computer.  Without moving from my bed, though it was almost 11pm, I called my friend.  She got on the phone, knowing it was me, and I just said... "I finished it."

She was so glad for me, though I couldn't be.  I still am not... though there is a bit of relief that I haven't had to open up that document today at all.

We talked a bit, I cried some more, and she just let there be long silences in the conversation as I needed it.  I was shaking and cold and sweating all at the same time.

Before we got off the phone she reminded me to treat myself gently the rest of this week, because I needed to take care of myself.  She said whether that was a bubble bath, sleeping in late, eating whatever sounded good to me, trying to get to bed early, making sure I took my meds so I didn't flip out more because of that.... whatever it took.

She also predicted that if I put on some quiet worship music, that I would probably be asleep in 15 minutes or so, because of how drained, how tapped out I was.

She was sure right about that!

I slept, and don't remember too much about my dreams, though I know I had some, and I was very restless.

Today I got into work and sat in the sanctuary.  I just sat there and cried and talked to God and cried some more.  I tried to just rest in His arms, in His love.

I finally managed to pull myself together because the secretary was coming into the building and started my day.  I worked piece by piece on the things that God laid before me for the day.  They were simple things, and things I could control, unlike my emotions or my stomach.

At some point in the day, my friend dropped off her son at church to work on a youth project, and she stopped to see me in the office before she left.  We talked for a while, and she told me that she could tell I was doing better.  I think she is right.  I feel more stable now than I was yesterday.  I had attainable goals today (including finishing and printing the newsletter - that just finished printing behind me as I type) and I was able to keep focused on those for the most part.

My emotions are still all over, and I need to spend some time with God, another way to be gentle with myself, and nurture myself a little bit.  Because right now, being close to God is scary to me, because though I know He sees everything that's going on, when I get closer, well... He sees everything that's going on.

(I know... I know)

Before I go though, I have to share what happened just before I started writing again yesterday afternoon.  I looked across the room, out the window and realized that sitting on the window ledge was a little plaque... it was just the carved out letters.... "hope"

I grabbed my cell phone and took a picture of it and got it as the background on my phone.  That way, every time I look at my phone, there it is... to remind me that there is always hope... even when I don't see it.

I would upload it here for you, but for the life of me, I don't know how to do that yet from my phone (it's new) so maybe I can add it later.

There is still hope.
Even though I remembered a bit more this morning that I have to write.

There is still hope.
Even though I am going to have to read this letter to Tricia on Monday at my appointment with her.

There is still hope.
God has healed me before, from some horrible things.  He can heal this too.

Please keep on praying for me as I continue to process this stuff.  The kids are still off of school, and I will be needing to care for them and be functional for them the next 4 days.  Pray that I won't go crazy, though I feel like I already am.

I am now off to take some time to remind myself that there is still hope - and then go and lead worship practice tonight yet before I go home.

Darkness has brightened....

Yesterday found me struggling.  Missing my parents and our Christmas Eve traditions.  I was experiencing a deep exhaustion, depression, and a pressure of deeper darkness than I have had for a while.

I struggled to hang in there and just breathe.  I curled up under the blankets after having cleaned a friends driveway, trying to warm up and trying to regain my composure.  Trying to prepare for celebrating with Dave's family.

I called a friend and we talked on the phone for a little bit and she shared with me and asked some questions, and then told me she was going to lift me up in prayer.

I grabbed my heating pad, bible and journal and curled back up under the covers, still trying to get warm.  I spent some time in prayer and slowly relaxed as I warmed up.  I spent some time in tears as I tried to pray.  Finally I was able to settle my heart, and read through a Psalm.  Then I set my alarm and succumbed to what I really had wanted to do in the first place.

I curled up, under the covers, pulled them over my head and was finally able to sleep for just a little bit.

I got ready, Dave picked me up and we headed to the farm to spend time with his family.  I was able to relax and converse and just have a good time catching up with his relatives.

I wasn't able to spend any time in the Word last night, but this morning I woke up and didn't have to rush too much, as the kids were at the farm and had their stockings to keep them occupied for a little bit.

Before I even stepped foot out of bed, I had the chance to pray, read through parts of Luke 1 and 2, journal, just rest in His presence.

God rested me, held me, comforted my heart.
He renewed me.

I am still tired, and struggling some with my mood, and the sense of depression, but the deep exhaustion has lifted some, the darkness has brightened, just like a candle flame brightens a dark room.....

.... and I am reminded.

You, O Lord keep my lamp burning, my God turns my darkness to light.  (Psalm 18:28)

God is good my friends.  Sing praises to Him today.  He is the lifter of my head.  May you experience His love, joy and peace this day and every day.

Christmas Traditions Interrupted

Update:
Well my dad is home.  The doctor really didn't know what caused the pain or inflammation.  They had him on antibiotics and his high blood count seemed to come down some, so they sent him home.  So he is home and supposed to follow up with his doctor... He was very tired tonight so I didn't talk directly to him, he was in bed when I called.  Keep on praying for him, that they would be able to figure out what it was, so that he can avoid it again.  Thank you!!!

------------------------------

Our family traditions with my side of the family got interrupted this year.

Last night I got a call from my brother that my dad had been having abdominal pain all day, cramping, etc.  He was thinking it was something that he ate.  By the end of the day he had called my mom to come home and take him to the hospital.

When my mom arrived home, he was in such a bad way that she called 911.

Once they heard a little more, my brother called me back and said that all his blood work was good and the EKG was fine too, and that there was nothing wrong with his heart.  They had to wait for a while for a CT scan.  Once the results of that came back, my brother called me back again.

The CT scan seemed to show inflammation in his lower small intestine.  The word they were throwing around was diverticulitis.  My hubby, the nurse, said that didn't seem to make sense as diverticulitis usually is in the large intestine.  They admitted him to the hospital overnight last night.

Right now, that's still where things stand.  We don't know anymore this morning than we did last night.  My mom finally got home from the hospital to get some food and sleep at midnight last night.

We were all supposed to head for Madison today to connect with my family there and celebrate Christmas.  However my mom and dad and brother will not be traveling.  I hope to hear more soon about my dad, but for now we are staying home.

Also, my daughter woke me up this morning and ended up getting sick to her stomach.  So, even if my dad weren't in the hospital, we probably wouldn't be traveling.  I don't know when we will gather with my family, but at least we will be home with my hubby who had to work today and tomorrow.  We can spend tonight and tomorrow morning with him.

Please do pray for my dad, that the doctors would figure out what is going on, so that they can treat him properly and he can get home soon.

Thanks so much, God bless and have a wonderful Christmas.

Telling the truth

My appointment last week was successful in that by the end of it, I was in enough a better state from when I went in.  Tricia talked with me for the hour, just walking me through the memories, thoughts and lies I was struggling with.

At the end, she looked a little bit relieved and said that I seemed to be doing better than when I came in.  She asked if that was wishful thinking, and I said no, I did feel better.



I went back to work this week, after a VERY snowy and cold weekend, and got through the first two days relatively well.  It feels like the memories have faded some to the background.  Not maybe that they have faded, but that I have been allowed to ignore them and live above them for the time being.

However, yesterday, I started having my anxiety ramp up.  It started with trying to help our pastor with a computer problem, then solving other problems, and by the end of the day, I was so frustrated.  As I was coming home, my anxiety was going higher.  I had to take the kids to their Wednesday night church activities, and by the time they were dropped off, I had to get out of the town, over the bridge to the nearest McDonald's.  Sounds weird, but I just needed a spot to park and breathe, and as I needed to eat, that was the first place I thought of.

I grabbed my phone and tried calling Cindy D. first, but we were able to talk for only a few minutes, long enough for me to tell her about the anxiety attacking me right then.  Then I tried calling my best friend, Cindy, but she was so sick, she wasn't even able to answer her phone.

I realized that God just wanted me. 

So I grabbed my bag and went inside McDonald's, got some food, and then settled down to eat, read and journal.  I had gotten a book from a friend, so I read through some of that and made notes about what hit me and what I felt like God was saying to me.

I am much more stable than I was last week.  Partially because, well, because I am being a better girl than I was last week.

You see, I had my appointment with Tricia last Monday, but the week before that I started fighting with myself about taking my anti-depressant.  I don't really know why, but I didn't want to take it.  I thought I was doing better, and as I had a counseling appointment coming up, I wanted to be able to "feel" the emotions (not that I can't now... but I think they can be much more intense - and painful as I learned) as I was going through the appointment.

So, I started slacking off on taking it.  Like skipping two days, taking it one, skipping 3 days and then having my Monday appointment.  Then I don't really remember when I took the next one, maybe Tuesday night after I got home from my friends house... after my day full of panic attacks. 

When I talked with Tricia on Thursday at my added in appointment, she said that she had brought up my case in her collaberation that morning because she was concerned that I was going backwards rather than forwards.  She said that two different people had asked if she knew if I was taking all my medications.  She told me she would have never thought to ask that, so asked me if I had been taking them all.  I said that I had missed a "couple" of the anti-depressant.  When she asked why, I froze, and then blurted that I had lapsed between refills.  When she asked again how many I had missed, I told her 2-3.

I out and out lied to her.

Why would I lie to someone that I profess to trust, who has walked with me through so much?  I have never lied to her that blatantly before!  I don't get it.

Once I started taking my meds again and started to think more clearly, I started asking myself this, but shying away from God just yet.

Yesterday, it really came to a head as I talked with a friend again on the phone.  No one knew about my not taking my medication, except for one friend and his wife whom I told through an email.  At one point, she asked me why I was having a hard time doing something else Tricia had asked me to do, and if I was going to tell her.  When I said I wasn't sure, she asked me why, because she knew that I was pretty brutally honest with her.

Then I just spit it out and told her that it was because I hadn't been honest about some other things.  There was some silence on the other end of the phone as she thought a minute and then she said that she wasn't going to ask if I didn't want to tell her.  So, I blurted it out about how much of the meds I had missed, and that I had purposely done it.

It was hard to say, but good I think, because I needed to say it to someone real, someone who knows me in real life, who can get right up to me, in my face, and find out if I am taking them or not... or at least, she won't mother me, but is someone I can go to if I am struggling with it.

Now though, she made me realize that I have to tell Tricia.
and I don't want to.
I don't want to disappoint her.

She asked me if I was punishing myself.  We had talked the previous day about the little things, like not eating well, or staying up too late, or not taking care of my hand well enough - and as random comments popped out of my mouth, it became apparent that I really didn't think highly enough of myself to take care of myself the way I should.  It's way better than it used to be, but still, not where it should be.... still lies there to be uncovered and dealt with.

So she asked me if I was punishing myself.  If I thought that I didn't deserve love (or I would insert here peace, joy or freedom) enough so I was delaying the healing process by not taking my medication correctly.

Honestly, I don't know.  I guess maybe I have been in a way.  I think I knew that my body/emotions were going to react that way because of not taking the meds.  And I didn't care.  It isn't too hard for me to do something that will inflict emotional pain on myself.  Leave some issue unresolved, and then stop taking medications, and self sabotage.

At one point yesterday I said to myself, and to God that I really didn't want to live with that 19-20 year old that did those things, and that was subjected to those things back in college.  I blurted out (I was alone in the sanctuary) that she really should just die. 

I heard those words echo through the sanctuary, and I looked to the front, at the cross. 
Then said, "She really doesn't deserve to die, because neither does anyone else I have talked to, that I know who have been abused or made bad decisions."

Then I left a question hanging in the air and walked out of the sanctuary.

"Now that we are all forgiven and covered by Your blood, do we still deserve to die, anyway?"

The obvious answer is that by God's mercy and grace, He wants to heal us from those things in our past that have hurt us so.  I know that.  But there is part of me that just wants to crush that girl who was, and grind her out of existence so I don't have to think about her anymore.

What God really wants me to do is to embrace her... go back to her as the adult I am now and embrace her and give her the love that she wasn't getting from another human being, and through that, point her to God.  Point her to the truth.  In so doing, I will open the door (with God's help) to Him coming in and healing her, healing me and there will be no more "her" and "me" but there will be "I."  I will be more whole, more integrated, more healed, and more able to deal with other pains, or resolve other conflicts and grow up some more.

One of the most effective ways for me to go back and embrace that little girl that needs love so much is through the process of EMDR, as Tricia guides me through it.  God has healed me so much, and so quickly many times, and so effectively, using that process. 

But from experience, I have learned that it doesn't work very well when there are barriers between you and your therapist.  Whether she knows of it or not.  I have had times where we have gotten blocked and when God finally led me to tell her something, as we started the EMDR God met me in a powerful way.

If I want to have Tricia help me and guide me through the process of EMDR dealing with these past memories that have become so current and fresh, I need to be honest with her.  Which means, I have to tell her about the medication and how I purposely stopped taking it.  I need to be able to let go and let down all the barriers.  If something is keeping me from telling her the full truth, then it means I don't trust her fully for one reason or another.

At least, I think so.  I don't know.  Maybe it isn't that I don't trust her fully.  Maybe it's that I am afraid that she is going to be disappointed with me.  I look up to her.  I don't want to disappoint her, or cause disapproval.  I think I'm afraid that she is going to just dismiss last week as all about the lack of medication.  I know the lack of medication intensified everything, every emotion, but there was more behind it than that.  I couldn't think very clearly or claim the truth for myself, but I was experiencing (probably too closely) the things that had happened in my past and I wasn't able to shut it down, I didn't have control.  The inability to control what was going on emotionally, or to think clearly was from the medication.

Maybe the desire I have to not take the anti-depressant is because I am scared of what this time from January to March will look like if I were more healed and whole and on my meds and more stable.  I mean, that's whole new territory for me.  And it's scary.  This is my familiar.  This is what I know.  The ups and downs, the anxiety and depression, the fear and darkness.  To have a possibility of walking in the light again is scary.

But as I read in Psalm 139 today, even if I want the darkness to cover me and the light to become night around me, even the darkness is like light to God, and it shines like the noonday.  No matter what I do, God sees, He knows the motives of my heart, He understands, and He still loves.  Even this fearful, trembling girl who's afraid to walk forward and this fearful, angry adult who wants to crush out the past.

He still loves.

Oh God, help me cling to Your truth!

Decision made

Well, I made my decision.

After how hard yesterday was, I went to bed.  I was freezing cold by the time I got there and it took a long time for me to warm up, but I finally did and fell asleep.

Until.

3:15am.

I woke up out of a dead sleep, drenched with sweat and with my heart racing.  I don't remember what the dream was that woke me up, I know there was something there as I fought to wake up, but am grateful not to remember it.

I had to get up and completely change clothes and sit for a bit to calm down.

I had at least 2 more panic attacks at work today, and finally after talking with a good friend on the phone, and then my friend from last night in person, they both urged me to do the same thing.  They suggested I make a call to my counselor's office and leave a message for her to call me back when she could. 

Within the hour, she called back and I told her about yesterday, the memories and their vividness and pain, and the panic attacks, and the dream last night.  When she had heard it all and found that I wasn't scheduled to see her until nearly 2 weeks from now, she started looking for another appointment for me.  There were two next week, but as we talked she had a cancellation for 3pm tomorrow.

So I am off to see Tricia tomorrow afternoon. 

I am frustrated because I feel like I am disappointing people.  I am also afraid I am blowing things out of proportion and am making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I am afraid it's all nothing, and afraid that it is something.  Hmm.  Seems like fear is ruling here... and in reality, perfect love drives out fear.... Boy God, do I need to cling to Your love right now!!!!

Please pray for me tomorrow, that my anxiety and fear won't kick in so bad that I am paralyzed as I try to talk to Tricia.  Pray also for my son.  He wasn't feeling good tonight, and if he stays home sick from school tomorrow, it is going to complicate things to say the least!  I am just praying for health for Peter and that this night's sleep will work a miracle for him, because he was running a fever when he went to bed.

Pray for peace for me, and just the ability to trust God through yet another thing I have to work through. 

So, yesterday I didn't know what to do about calling Tricia and trying to get another appointment, and today, because of how I was reacting to things and what my condition was, the decision was almost made for me. 

I guess it becomes one less thing to worry about and stress about cause it is now out of my hands.  Praying for a more restful night than last night, and for a day with a bit of peace somewhere in the middle of it, time with God before I have to go to my appointment.

The unexpected

God unexpectedly blessed me with an incredible friend tonight.  A friend who was willing to pour out, even out of her own brokenness and pain.

She saw where I was at by the end of my day, and even in her own pain, responded out of care and concern.  Come to find out we couldn't be more on the same page and in the same place if we tried.  And God put us there at the same time to walk together.

I had a break down today at church when she got there to see how I was doing.  I had a panic attack as I tried to talk to her there.  We spent time in the sanctuary, for privacy so we could talk, and she could help me calm down. 

All through the day, as memories have come to the forefront, I have been freezing cold.  So she invited me over to her house to hang with her and her son, and I got to snuggle up with various cats (she has 7, five of which I actually saw) and huddle close to her pellet burner till I warmed up.  She used the idea of the pellet burner to lure me over, because she knows I am a sucker for a fire! 

It worked.  The fire warmed me up as did the company that I was given.

Tears were shed, silent prayers prayed, and she gave me the benefit of a listening ear when I needed it, light-hearted conversation as it seemed appropriate, and the space to just have quiet and peace. 

This was only the second time I can ever remember going over to someone's house for the first time and not feeling uncomfortable, but rather, feeling safe and that it was where God wanted me.

I am still broken and hurting inside.  I let go today and accepted God's forgiveness and forgave myself.  And then God allowed a memory (one I rememebered but it was always on the "outskirts" of my mind) to come into full focus and full living color.  It was really hard, really painful and nearly shattered me today.

I don't know what to do yet.  What decisions I need to make, if any, about going to see Tricia sooner, or if I can hang on for 2 weeks until my next appointment. 

But tonight, God has given me a measure of peace.  More than I anticipated having.  My friend talked to me as I had at least one more panic attack at her house, not counting the one at church.  Now it's time for bed, and I am praying for sleep.  A nice peaceful, dreamless sleep.

I am just overwhelmed by God's goodness to me through this friend.... even as I am overwhelmed by the pain and fear and fallout of these memories.

This time this evening of relaxing, talking, laughing, listening, crying and praying was a needed break at the end of a long painful day.  It was healing.  It was given to me by God, through a friend who was willing to listen to His promptings..... and for once I didn't hinder what He was doing, but accepted her invitation of company for a while.  If I hadn't, I probably would have come home alone, and kicked myself all night for not going over.

Thank you Jesus for how you unexpectedly bless me so much.  You are so good.  You are so loving.  Please help me cling to that truth, and to how You revealed it to me through this precious time with You and my friend tonight.

Numb

I'm still feeling numb.

It seems to happen from time to time after counseling.  Last time, I was so exhausted I collapsed in the nearby bathroom sobbing.  This time, I bypassed the bathroom and went down to my car right away.  I sat there for a bit, then moved my car to a more remote part of the parking lot, and sat in a daze for a bit, and actually fell asleep for about a half hour.

When I woke, I started the car and drove to the farm to get the kids.  I pulled into the yard, and as no one was out there, turned off the car and sat in the dark, the quiet enveloping me.  I'm not sure how long I sat there till the tears started rolling down my cheeks.

Tricia had prayed at the end of the session that though she had talked a lot, that I would remember what I would need to and forget the things I didn't or that weren't God's words for me to remember. 

She asked me to work on letting go of the curtains (an image in my head) that I hanging on to, to cover myself and hide myself in.  She wants me to work on, and get myself to the point that I will forgive myself for the things that I did in this relationship.  To accept God's forgiveness and to claim the truth of His word as my own, and to call the truth, the truth and a lie, a lie.  Whether my feelings follow right away or not, I need to believe the truth, to choose it and hang onto it, no matter what.

I know that is what I need to do and she is right.

But as I sat in the car at the farm, crying, all I could think of was how tired I was.  So exhausted.  So sick of fighting.  It's so hard, and all I want is to stop.  I don't want to think about anything, this relationship, this struggle for truth, taking captive my thoughts.  It's so overwhelming.  It's too much at once, and I don't know how to handle it.

I have stuffed it pretty well this past week.  Yes, emotions have popped out from time to time, but for the most part, I haven't felt either really good, or excited about anything, or really too depressed either.  I felt very "flatline" for lack of anything better.  I know I don't have to be super up or down, or have major swings to be "ok" or anything like that, nor do I want that, but it would be nice to be able to enjoy things, or grieve things if I need to.

I have to grieve the loss that I put on myself by the choices I made.  I was able to grieve the losses of other things, where I was a victim.  I was able to work through the anger there, and finally forgive the offenders.  I have been able to go through so much and find God's strength through it all.

Now, I don't have any strength of my own, and I don't feel like I have God's either.  Where is the stubbornness and determination I have had in the past?  Where is the gumption and backbone I had in the face of what I knew were enemy attacks?  I know the enemy wants to keep me bound, stuck and stalled out here.  So why am I so reluctant to fight back with the truth?

I'm not sure that I have the answer to those questions.  I'm not sure we answered those in counseling, though we might have today, I just feel so befuddled that I really don't know right now.

As we talked, Tricia reminded me one of the phrases I had used to describe myself in light of this situation was that I was filthy.

Later on, I got this image of a glass bottle - almost a jug.  Dark green, at least what you could see through the filthiness on the outside of it.  Inside were packed all my emotions.  Hate, rage and anger at this guy, at myself, I think even at God.  Grief, loss, failure, pain, shame, disgust, guilt.  It had a rubber cork in it, and I was leaning all my weight on it to keep it corked up.  I was afraid to open it, because I was afraid of all the emotions that would spill out.

At first, Tricia asked me to allow that bottle to be opened during the next two weeks, not to dump it out, but just let it open, so that the pressure wouldn't build.  But by the end, she suggested that I just work on the part of letting go of the curtain that I was hiding in, and work on the accepting God's forgiveness and love, and forgiving myself.  She "gave me permission" to leave that bottle alone until we see each other again.

I feel so numb and exhausted right now, I don't even know what to do.

I have taken my anti-anxiety meds, but still feel that pit of fear in my stomach, the one that gives me heartburn and leaves me all jumpy.  I really can't take any more of anything medication wise, and I can't really take much more emotionally either.

I don't want to work.  I don't want to think.  I don't want to do anything but curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head and stay there.  I don't want to pray, and it's been like pulling teeth to write here even.  How can I be in one place, where I am able to encourage a friend going through a rough time, and the next minute not want to do anything?  Even the things I know are good for me, that will help me and will cause me to walk closer with God?

It's just where I'm at right now, like it or not. 

Darkness. Struggles. Truth. Lies.

One of my dear friends just got told some hard news from her doctor.  Last night, I was the first person she told.  Like she said, it was like a punch in the gut.  No conclusions, no answers yet, but suspicions and the mind goes immediately to the worst case scenario, even as you are praying for the best.

For me, there are no tears yet.  Those will come.  Right now, only questions.

Why?
Why her?
Why now?
After all she's been through the last couple of years or so?

Really God?

Another very good friend of mine is dealing with some very hard things.  Things in her life that are surfacing for the first time.  She is dealing with them fresh and new, and the backlash of emotions as a result.  Rage, depression, despair, reliving the experiences, the senses, smells, sounds, sights, nightmares, fear.

Her words came yesterday as we were on the phone briefly...

"it's either keep on going... or kill myself....
But, I'm too stubborn... too stubborn to give up now.
wait, I like the word determined better...

I'll keep on going.
But I feel like I am drowning."

I know she is safe.  I double checked that.  I know she is keeping on trying to hang onto God.

But the depth of where she is right now, the darkness that is overwhelming her, surrounding her, blinding her.  I recognize it.  I have been there, and my friend Cindy walked with me through it all.  She was there, even when she didn't have the words to say.  She prayed.  She listened.  She prayed some more.

So that is what I am doing.  I have been allowed into this friend's inner circle, one of the few people she is turning to when she needs to talk, and she is allowing me to call her, and check in and see how things are going.  I am privileged to be allowed to walk alongside her through this dark time.

Just like my Cindy was for me.  I don't have the words all the time, but I am more than willing to listen and pray and hang in there with her for the long haul.

I look at these two situations.  Vastly different, but just as painful and dark and hard.  I look at myself and what I am going through and it seems so insignificant.

It makes me think that in reality, I don't need to see Tricia anymore.  She has much bigger things to deal with than me.  I keep thinking that I am blowing out of proportion the things I am dealing with because they seem so unimportant in comparison.

This situation I am dealing with - the first guy that I ever gave myself away to, that started off a chain reaction of poor relationships - seems so small now.

Yes, I did deal with some of it in my past counseling with Tricia, at least a little bit.  However, the way things surfaced in my counseling with her, it seemed it all led to this relationship and the things that happened there.  So, that's where we went.

The self hate, the anger at the guy, at myself, disgust, worthlessness, feeling so dirty, like I was just a number in a long list..... as they surfaced, they surprised me with their intensity, and scared me too.  I felt kind of like I was floating out to sea without a sail, without oars, and nothing to steer with.

The emotions have surfaced from time to time, in short bursts this week.  For the most part though, they have been shut down.  Closed off.  Maybe this is God's way of protecting me and keeping me safe until I see Tricia again this coming Monday.  Maybe it's my way of protecting myself.  I'm not sure anymore.

In the meantime, I feel like I should just cancel and not see her anymore, because there are so many others who are hurting so much more, and I am just wasting time and money.

Lies most likely.

Because I am having hard time pinning down my emotions or thoughts about the relationship, I am having a hard time believing the truth.  What "sounds" like logic to me says that I am just making up reasons to keep on seeing Tricia.

I don't know what to think.

The way I collapsed on the floor of the bathroom, after my last session with Tricia, makes me think that I need to keep on going until I get some of this resolved at least.  The way I feel now tells me I was dumb to extend my Monday appointment with her from 60 minutes to 90 minutes.  Another part of me is scared to go into January and February without having the chance to touch bases with her every couple of weeks, because my emotions tanked so badly after Christmas last year.

Please pray for my two friends and the extreme difficulties they are going through right now.

Pray for me as well, that the truth would break through the lies, and that I would be willing to first submit to God and let go of my resistance against Him that I'm sensing.... and secondly that I would then stand and resist the enemy.

I want to trade the lies for truth, the fears for dependence on God, the worries for intentional praises of Him who is our Jehovah-Rapha.  The God who Heals.

reminder of His love in pain

I know so many are writing about Thanksgiving right now.... so many posts on being thankful.  Who we are thankful for, what we are thankful for, and Who we are praising for those things.

Where I am right now... I'm really struggling.

I picked this memory verse, with nothing in mind of Thanksgiving.  It just kind of "fits" with that theme, but really another word brought me there....

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures forever.  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe."  Psalm 107:1-2

The word I was following there was the one translated here as love.  In other places and other versions it is translated as mercy, lovingkindness, unfailing love, steadfast love.

Right now I have a great need to be reminded of His love for me.

I am struggling with pain in my fingers (I am cheating now, I probably shouldn't be using these fingers at all right now).  This could be a long recovery... and it takes a long time "hen pecking" out emails and posts when you can only use one hand when you are used to using two.

I am also facing a really hard relationship.  It's the same one I mentioned a post or so ago, about the person that I did things with that I regret and am very ashamed of.  We had barely started to work through it when we ran out of time in our counseling session.

This week we had time.  I have been reeling some since Monday night.  It was hard work folks!  I was so raw when I left Tricia's office.  I was ok, holding together, as I walked out the door, but exhausted.  I walked down the hall to the nearby bathroom, locked myself in and collapsed to the floor.  I was so tired I couldn't stand any more, much less make it down the stairs to my car.  Pretty quickly I started sobbing.  I cried for nearly 20 minutes before I was able to pull myself together enough to clean up, leave and drive home.

My appointment was that hard.

I don't know for sure how to describe it, other than gut wrenching.  I was right back in that relationship again, and the pain of it at the end, and the things that I was doing to keep him.... and I felt stuck and caught and didn't know how to get out... wrapped up in this big curtain, without any way of fighting my way out.

Oh we took so much time working through it, bit by aching bit.
When I was done with the appointment, I physically ached.

I was able to get through the rest of my night with my family and fell into bed.

Yesterday was hard though, because my emotions were surfacing unexpectedly.  My pastor interrupted me in the sanctuary in the morning, as I was sitting in there crying.  Later after everyone was gone, I spent some time in our associate pastors old office, turned prayer room.  And cried there too.

I am still not sure exactly where I am at, but really doubting and struggling with the whole idea that I am worth anything, and that I could be clean and pure in light of all that took place in that relationship.  I am fighting with it for sure.  I know the truth.  It's a matter of getting that from my head to my heart.  It is very hard for me to grasp that God loves me unfailingly, unending, steadfastly without change, EVER.

I have another appointment already set with Tricia two weeks from my last appointment, so another week and a half yet before I see her again... but today I called and asked if there was a chance to make it a 90 minute appointment, and I was able to.  So, for now, I think that has to due.

It's that time when I just have to cling to God with all I've got, and to soak in His word.  As a friend wrote to me earlier this week, I have to take care of my heart.  And when I can't hang onto Him any more, I have to let myself relax and remember that He is holding me with His righteous right hand.

He's got me, even when I have nothing left to hold onto Him with - when I am that slide down the wall, collapse on the floor exhausted.... He still lifts me up and carries me till I am strong enough to start walking again and hanging onto Him.

As one of my friends said today about her own situation, "God hang onto my butt, cause I'm going down!"  Essentially she was saying the same thing I am.

He's got to hold onto me, because without Him holding me, I will be going down for the third time.  I may feel like I'm drowning.... But God.   The best two words in the Bible in my opinion....

But God.

I have to hang onto the hope that He is holding out before me.  And I will give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; His love endures FOREVER!!  Let the redeemed of the Lord say this - those He has redeemed from the hand of the foe...... and I am one of those... redeemed from the hand of the foe - redeemed of the Lord.  I will give thanks for His enduring LOVE!

abiding in peace

I talked in my last email about being at peace.

I am struggling with staying, abiding, in that peace right now.

You see, I am typing pretty much one handed right now.  I have tendinitis (so the walk-in doctor thinks) in my left hand, in two to three fingers.  Its the hand that I partially fell on when I fell and got my stitches in my chin 2 weeks ago.  I don't know if I damaged something in the fall (x-rays came back clear) or in using it since then, I have made things worse.

To immobilize my fingers, I actually have a huge splint with a wrap around it, my wrist and hand.  It looks like I broke me wrist or something.  It is really frustrating, because I really can't do anything... at all... with my left hand.  I can't even grab something between my thumb and forefinger!

Yet, in the midst of restrictions and limitations, I am reminded that things could be much worse.  It could be my right (dominant) hand, or something could have been broken.  I am grateful, and struggling to remember that I can still be in His peace, and rest there.

I have definitely been slowed down these past two weeks or more.

I mean, God has been really slowing me down, between accidents and illness, I have been unable to accomplish the things I've wanted to.  Even the simplest things like laundry or cutting back the dead flowers in my flower garden has been beyond me when I was sick, or on pain meds cause of my fall, or now that I am effectively one-handed.

Dave has helped immensely around here in picking up the slack as much as he has been able to around being sick himself, and working.

There has been so much that has been happening in my heart and mind since I last wrote.  I am going to have to devote some time later to writing out as best I can, or I might just hand write something out, take a picture of it and upload it as a big picture so you can read that!  I don't know.  I just know that there is so much on my heart right now.  I want to share it with you.

Maybe, too this has been God's way of getting me to listen to Him and be quiet before Him.  That way He has had the opportunity to cement some things in my mind and heart before I share with you.

I hope to write more soon!  Love and peace to you.