gardening gloves...

I was so tired this past week from VBS I could hardly think about anything. It also was so hot here, I was hibernating inside as much as I could, in the air conditioning. When I did go outside, I was in the sun, and managed to give myself a really good sunburn. I finally started feeling less pain from it 4 days later!

I have barely been able to keep up with a few blogs, and with some writing I need to do on my speeches for She Speaks.

But this past Friday I was able to get together with my friend Cindy. We talked through the chapter of the book we are on, and then talked. A lot.

It was a wonderful time of sharing for both of us. We didn't have any time constraints or anything, so we were able to just relax and not feel rushed. I was able to share a song I was doing for special music at church... talk about our family's of origin... go out to lunch together and do a bit of shopping... and I was also able to share what I already have done with my talks. It helped to talk to her, because it gave me some good constructive feedback, and gave me an idea of what I have to work on.

Just being with her got my brain working and processing again. I mean, I could hardly string two thoughts together prior to Friday!

I was all worked up about church on Sunday, because our Wednesday night worship rehearsal didn't seem to go very well to me, and I felt like I really hadn't been together with the band very well, and I was the team leader. I also hadn't been practicing my music for special music very long, and didn't have that worked out well either.

Cindy reminded me that God is the one who fills me and will enable me to do all things.

Our VBS director came in on the third day of VBS and said that she had nothing left to give for the week. She was tired and done. She had been poking around in her garage before leaving the house, and found an old gardening glove and brought it in with her.

She said that she was that glove. The glove could do nothing on its own. It couldn't garden, it couldn't pull weeds, nothing. It wasn't until she put her hand inside, that it could do anything. She reminded us that we are all gloves. We can't do anything on our own. It's the Holy Spirit filling us that enables us to move or do anything.

When Cindy reminded me that Sunday was in God's hands, I told her about that glove analogy. It just fit right in with what we were talking about.

So, here is a question for you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?

Is there something that you are facing, that is coming up (like She Speaks, or any "one time" event) that you are feeling less than capable of? Is there something in your life, or the life of your family that is more than overwhelming?

God has given us His most precious gift in His Son, and in His Spirit, indwelling us. Whether you feel it or not, He is there. He is an untapped power source. The very power that raised Jesus from the dead is given to us.

Tap into that power. Tell God that you can't do this. That is all He is waiting for. For you, and me, to admit that we can't do it. Then He asks us to step aside and watch Him work.

When I was in VBS and said to Him that I couldn't do it. I couldn't possibly teach these children any music, God stepped in. His Spirit filled me to overflowing, and taught those kids the music, intervening with discipline as needed. I remember almost watching myself from a 3rd person perspective on Thursday and Friday, realizing that there was no way that was me doing that.

I realized this past week, as my brain finally started to function again, that God had totally blown apart a box I had put myself, and Him, in.

I said to myself that there was no way I could teach kids music, especially in a classroom setting. Even though I feel more freed up than ever about using my abilities in the area of music, I didn't even realize just how much of a strangle hold this lie had on me. I didn't even think it was a lie. It almost kept me from doing VBS at all... because up to this year, I didn't have to teach music in a classroom setting, I just had to teach the music in the openings and closings of VBS. This time I had a music rotation I was in charge of.

Now that VBS is done, and I saw what God did for me, and through me, something is radically different. That box, that LIE "I can't teach music to kids, and discipline and do the classroom thing," has been show false.... Well, and true in a way. By myself, no I can't teach music, etc. But through the empowering of the Holy Spirit, trusting in His strength, not just trying to make it on my own, I can.

I did.

When I realized that truth... that I am free to teach music, or do anything with music, I could hardly believe it.

I tried to share it with my small group this past week, and had a hard time putting it into words.

The best I have come up with yet is this.

The box is gone, and I am suddenly standing in this bright, open, sunny field. The sun is on my face, the wind in my hair, and I am waiting for God to show me which direction to start to walk. I know He has a specific ministry for me, beyond what I do now. I don't know what it is, or what it will look like. But I know that waiting in this place is good. I know He will continue to equip me for whatever it is. I know that He will continue to uproot the lies that are still buried deep.

Best of all, I know He is in me, with me, filling me with His Holy Spirit. It won't be me doing it, it will be Him.

So again, I ask you.

What makes you feel like an empty glove today?
Can you imagine yourself in that open field with me?
A world of possibilities before you?

Tell Him you can't do it. Verbalize it. Out loud. Then ask Him specifically to help you. He will. He will answer that prayer. He is answering it even now, though you may not know it or feel it.

poured out...

If this is what it feels like to be poured out, I think I like it and want to feel this way again, more often.

I emptied myself last week at VBS. It was hard work. Stretching work for me, to teach and really lead as much as I did. It was hard for me to move beyond my comfort zone, and really try to connect with the kids as I taught them.

My comfort zone in this area was imposed upon me by a belief in a set lies. Lies that were embedded early on in my life as a believer.... lies that I couldn't teach, that I had no right to be up in front of kids, and worst yet, that my musical skills weren't and never would be strong enough to do anything with in the realm of teaching.

But last week, I pushed those aside, begged God to fill me and be more than enough for me, and I taught. I helped the kids learn music that was based around the themes of the days teachings. I taught them some sign language and such to go along with the songs to help them remember them. I led them in the closing celebration for their parents and friends. Then Sunday morning, the kids who were at church who had been in VBS, came up front and we sang and signed our theme song for the week for the church.

God met me. God filled me. God enabled me.

Instead of holding back when I felt God calling, I stepped out of my normal comfort zone and pushed through and did what He asked me to do.

This Sunday, after church was done, we all headed to Sunday school. Peter in particular was pushing to go to the farm right after the service. Earlier he had wanted to go to Sunday school, but when he realized that he was going to have to wait longer to go to the farm, he got fed up with me and started to melt down because I was making him stay.

We sat in the back of the adult class until I saw his teacher come through, and then I moved with Peter and Marina, and took them into their classroom. Once they were in there, Peter settled in. When they came out, all Peter could talk about was how much fun he had. Marina enjoyed it too.

I was proud of myself for having pushed through on something else that was uncomfortable for me. Taking the kids to church on my own, taking them to Sunday school for the first time, rather than giving into their demands of leaving right away.

But talking about being poured out...

This whole past weekend I could hardly string two thoughts together. I couldn't relax at the coffee shop. I couldn't unwind at the farm. After some sleep Saturday night, I was able to relax some on Sunday, and think a bit more clearly. I took a 2 1/2 hour nap at the farm Sunday afternoon. Came home and slept a full night last night too.

But woke up just drained again today. Drained and crabby!!! Yuck. I hate it when I wake up that way.

And sick. I have a wicked sore throat, that won't seem to go away.

But this usually happens to me when I really stress myself and give all I have got. I found it always happened in collage at the semesters end. I would come home for Christmas break or summer break and immediately get sick. It never failed.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I remember someone saying that they wanted to be one of the ones who left all they had out on the field.

I think I left it all out on the field last week.

I am tired and done in and toasted... mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually too. I just haven't been able to focus on God much since then. I want to, and I attempt to pray, but a few words come out, (or get journaled) and then I drift off. I can't seem to keep my mind on task.

So, now that I think Marina is finally asleep... (she has been fighting sleep all week.. staying up later each night... even when she doesn't have a nap and has been running all day) ...I am going to try to spend even a few quiet minutes with God here at the end of my day, and go get some sleep too.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind comments. This has been a week to remember, and if I can remember it long enough I will journal about it so that I don't forget what I have learned. Of course, maybe that is what this post, and the last one are about...

A reminder of what it is like to pour myself out, to follow God, to push out the boundaries of my comfort zone, and to expand and grow and find new confidence in God to equip me for what He is calling me to.

That's what it is all about.

He called me, I answered.
He equipped me, I poured myself out.

He did the work through me, I just obeyed and did what He told me. We make a good team that way. Much better than when I try to tell Him what He is supposed to be doing.

(Hmm. I do that way too much!)

Pouring out.
Service.
Sacrifice.

That is what God is about. As our theme song for the VBS week said:

"This is the way of the Kingdom of God!"



P.S. If I get the time, I will put up a post with a few pictures from VBS, so you can see a few of the things that happened at our church this past week... I am too tired now to do it, so hopefully tomorrow it will happen as I try to survive the heat!

VBS, conviction, prayer...

I happen to have a few minutes right now, before I am due to sing with the kids. I thought I would grab them to come say hi.

This week with VBS has been really good. I have gotten over my nervousness for the most part, and have found the kids very responsive to the songs, to the actions I am doing with them (mostly doing sign language... easy ones, so the little kids can do it too...).

We have about 45 kids or so (our average) and it has been so neat to see them responding to the learning, and responding to the videos, the verses. I have noticed Peter and Marina just soaking this up.

Peter has started to make friends with a few kids his own age. Maybe this Sunday I will be able to take them both into their Sunday school room, because some of the kids in the Sunday school classes are the same ones who are in his VBS group. He hasn't wanted to before, so we will see what this Sunday holds.

And, it is walking out into new territory for me as well. I mean, normally when Dave works, his mom and dad take the kids on Saturday night so I don't have to worry about trying to get both kids out the door on time, or dealing with the distractions in church. When she offers, typically, I let her have the kids. This past week, I unexpectedly had to take them to church with me, because Dave had to work. It wasn't planned so Karen didn't know I was doing that. After church we did some errands and I think eventually ended out at the farm. But I handled the kids just fine on my own.

So this morning, Karen called and asked what I had planned for the weekend, and if I wanted her to take the kids at all. She left the night up to me. I think that I will ask her if she wants them Friday night, and we will spend the day out there Saturday. But, the kids are coming home with me Saturday night, and they are going to church with me the next morning, and they are going to go to Sunday school as well.

They need this connection with our church, with their peers. They need to know that going to church means more than just going to church on Sundays. They need to know its more than just "playing" at religion. I want them to make it their own.

Peter has started praying at night with us before bed. He is learning and growing and wanting to know more.

I have wondered and prayed about a job. So far, I might get 15 hours at the local McDonald's, but is that what God wants me to do? I don't know. All I do know is that I am trying to listen, but this week has been so hard.

Maybe I will get some time this weekend, after VBS is all done. Friday morning, to prep for the last day, or Saturday morning before I go out to the farm.

I want quiet. Away from kids. For some reason, I guess I didn't realize just how much I needed it, until this week with kids around me all the time. And I didn't realize just how much I do have a flexible schedule when not working with VBS or other things like that.

God is so good. I am feeling better this week. Maybe it is having something to do that I know makes a difference in people's lives.

I wonder if God could lead me to a job like that. Ok, I know He could.

God, would you lead me to something where I feel that I make a difference and can't just be "replaced" by another face. Show me clearly what Your will is. Show me how to make a difference in the life of my family, my friends, my church, my community. Give me the courage to step out in ways that are uncomfortable or unfamiliar to me. Grant me grace, and patience, and humility, and the willingness to do whatever it is you want me to do. Thank you for giving me the courage to do the right things for my kids, and thank you for convicting me of what I should do, what is right. Thank you for being more than enough for me in everything and anything I am going through and doing. Amen

VBS here I come!!!!

Well, here comes life this week... full force!

It could be very much a life overload this week!!

Our church is starting their Vacation Bible School this week. Yours truly is leading all the music. I am not only leading up front for opening and closing as in previous years, but also running the music center, that the kids will rotate through.

That in and of itself is different. Add to that, both of my kids are old enough to participate! My daughter Marina will be in the pre-school group, in the nursery classroom, so she won't be "out" rotating through, so won't really see me except for the opening and closing sessions. However, Peter will be rotating through the stations, including mine... as a matter of fact, the first station he will come to, after his bible time, in his class room is mine.

I am praying that he won't get to clingy or insecure. He expressed concern that he and Marina were not going to be in the same age groups during it... I think more for himself than for her. He is nervous to move out into new things, that are unfamiliar to him (hmmm, wonder where he gets that one from!!! )

I also am praying that God will let me just be able to teach the kids the songs, the actions/sign language to go with them, and remind them of the bible verses and theme of the day... and well, just relax enough to have fun.

I want to let the past be the past, and not work myself up, fearful that I can't teach the kids. Because though I can't teach them anything in my own strength, with God I can do all things. In His strength and power. Not by my own might.

So I am heading to bed... way later than I intended, and way exhausted. But I had to make sure I had everything prepared, because once I am up at the church early, with both kids, I won't be able to run back and forth if I forgot something!

If I don't get back here too soon to write, know that I am thinking of you all, and praying. I will be back as soon as I can.... if nothing else but to post my new scripture memory verse for the 15th!

Choose to praise...

"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--
who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. "
Psalm 103:1-5

These verses spoke to me this week, as a reminder to my soul to trust in Him at all times.

The whole psalm was so good. I read through it last night before I went to bed. I prayed through it, and praised God through it.

A conscious decision to praise Him.

It's amazing what it does for my heart and soul.

I am wondering if some of what is going on is because I am consciously working on my marriage. I am consciously trying to do what I can for my part to connect better with my husband, rather than not talk. I mean, it got to the point where I felt like we were co-existing, not really relating.

It has really troubled me, so Cindy started praying specifically for us. She also challenged me to try to share something, anything with him... even small. As I have started doing this, it has opened up the lines of communication between us again. I have been concentrating on not shutting down with him as I have been struggling the past couple of weeks or so. It feels so much better.

One thought is that there is spiritual attack (duh) because the last thing the enemy wants is us to have a strong marriage.

Something I noticed today, as I reflected back over a conversation with Cindy, bothered me. I realized that she was nearly dancing up and down at the answer to prayers upon prayers. I mean, God is answering our prayers for a stronger marriage! He is! Shouldn't I be dancing up and down too? Where were my dancing shoes when I realized what God was doing?

What I end up focusing on is the depression that I feel, the other things that just don't seem right, the problems, etc... rather than praising God for who He is and what He has done.

So, today... even if it is only right now... even if it is on and off, not constant... I am going to choose to praise.

The Choice to Praise

I am going to choose.
Choose to praise.
Praise my God
God my Father

My Father who has worked
Worked through His Spirit
His Spirit in my heart
My heart that has been changed.

Changed and healed
Healed, felt or not
Not because I must praise
Praise because I have the choice.

By Heather Kudla, 06-11-09

Will you choose to praise with me?

Cindy home again

Cindy is home. Extremely tired, but home safely.

Thank you, thank you all who have been praying for me. Today is better. I am still tired. The fog is lifting some, though it is still dark.

I just wanted to add this update for all you. My dear friend Cindy just called me. She is on her way home from Tennessee!

Thank you so much for praying for her. She said that atmosphere there was just oppressive and was really hard to deal with. Her mom was very demanding, and just the family dynamics there were so difficult for her. She said she spent a lot of time in confession because she just got so angry.

She is exhausted, so pray that she will be able make it home safely. She said that she was up almost every hour during the night with her mom. She needs filling and renewing by God on her way home. I know she is enjoying her time in solitude driving.

Thank you for praying. She should be home around dinner time.
I will let you know when she gets home.

i'm tired... i need to be still...

"Moses answered the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.' "
Exodus 14:13-14

I am so tired. I really am. I am wiped out. I haven't slept well the last couple of days. I am worn out.

I am also dealing with a lot of anxiety that my medication hasn't helped.

Still struggling. Of course. surprise, surprise...

But I read this verse today from my devotional. It just struck me. I am tired. I don't have any energy to do anything. I don't have to.

The Lord will fight for me. I just need to be still.

Be still in the Lord. Let Him take care of me.

Being still. Sometimes when you are stirred up, it's hard to be still. But I choose to rest in the Lord.

My question from my devotional today was basically asking how the words "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still" apply to me today.

I am too tired to do anything else, but to stay still and let Him fight for me.
Please pray that I have the energy to do even that.

I have a VBS meeting tonight, and I have to teach a couple of songs there to the adult volunteers. I am praying for energy, stamina and the ability to go out in public without breaking down.

Thanks for your prayers for me. I am so praying the sun will come out soon and shine some light into the darkness.

curling up...

I wrote in my journal today that I just don't know what is going on.

I suppose that's ok.
I don't need to know.
I want to know.

It's a cool, rainy, dark day. It is one of those days that you just want to curl up. It doesn't help my mood any. I just want to curl up under a blanket in a safe place, with a safe person. I want to cry.

I did a little crying at the coffee shop. I need comfort. Comforting. I need a sense of safety and peace. I need God. I need more and more of Him.

"Every mistake, sin, and detour we take in the journey of life is taken by God and becomes his gift for a future of blessing when we surrender ourselves to him."

"What would it look like for you to surrender the pains of your past to God today?"

I can see where God has taken the pains in my past, as I have worked through them, and surrendered them to him, and worked them for a blessing in my life. I have seen how surrendering all of me to him has made such a difference in my life. I have caught a brief glimpse of his blessing amidst my pain, and because of it... working it for good.

Can I answer that question today? What pains of my past am I still holding on to? I thought I had surrendered that to him already. I mean, wasn't that what this past year was all about? He brought me to a point of surrender and healing. But like the quotes in my last post, he brings us back to some of the same things again, on a newer, more profound level, to a deeper level of healing and change.

I don't know what is causing the pain, sorrow in my heart. I don't know what is causing the depression that is making me fold inwards to protect myself. I don't know what is making me want to curl up and hide and cry. I don't even know what all my emotions are...

All I do know is I am desperate for comfort, for healing, for filling of the Holy Spirit.
All I do know is I want to run and hide.

I can't.
I want to.

I have a family to take care of.

If you see this, please pray for me. I don't quite know what to ask for. I need God. I need Him to do something powerful. I want to rest in with His arms enfolding me... and I need that rest so badly.

Sorry for the jumbledness of this post. It's just all pouring out of me. Thanks for your prayers.


Quotes taken from "Complete guide to the Daily Office," by Peter Scazzero

Stuffing and running...

Oh I have had so many words and thoughts and emotions the past few days. I don't even know what to say.

God has been working on me.
On my heart.

As I have been reading "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero, as well as using his "Daily Office" as my devotionals, God has been using them in my life.

What have I been doing?
I have been running.

I have used a myriad of ways. But no matter what I have been doing, I have been running.

These two books have been talking about dealing with inner pain.

Get this quote from "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."
"Rather than keeping busy to avoid my inner pain and disappointments, I needed space to explore my feelings and wrestle with anger, shame, bitterness, grief, jealousy, fear or depression - in an open contemplative way before God."

I have been keeping busy, I have been using other escapes to keep from feeling my emotions. I have been successfully stuffing them.

Just like I used to do. Just as I have always been well practiced up on.

Stuffing emotions. Don't let them overflow.
Don't allow them out, because if you do:
you can't control them, they control you.

Stuffing and running.
Running and stuffing.

Yesterday, I couldn't even identify what I was feeling. I felt numb, for the most part, but I did recognize depression too. We had our small group to our house for a cook out by the fire. We worshiped outside around the fire before the mosquitoes drove us inside. We prayed inside then, and broke up.

Later, one of my girlfriends from the small group and I went back out to the fire and sat and talked. Dave came and joined us for some of the time. We had a really good conversation, and she shared how God was really breaking through some things for her, and helping her into some major healing. It was so good to hear.

There is something about a fire at night, maybe its the warmth of the flames, the feeling of anonymity, I don't know. It prompts being honest and open. I was able to share with my girlfriend the feelings of stuffing my emotions, the questions from my devotional that have set me thinking, and the avoiding I have been doing.

I was able to share that much. I don't know if I have more words now; to describe what is going on.

I don't think I have been feeling I have been going backwards, per se, but I have definitely been having a harder time dealing with my emotions. And my old nature, old habit coping mechanisms come in yet again. I fight them, and sometimes I win, but not all the time.

I have this feeling of emptiness at times, and a disconnect, and this longing to be filled. Sometimes I am able to lean on God for that filling, and He helps me through. Sometimes I pray and ask for that filling and it seems like He isn't listening and doesn't answer. That's when I tend to go to coping mechanisms... and not healthy ones. Sometimes, especially if I am disillusioned, I don't even bother going to Him. Also, not a good, nor recommended choice.

There was a quote from my devotional today;
"As we go back to go forward, we find that it is a never ending process. We go back, breaking some destructive power of the past. The later, on a deeper level, God has us return to the same issue on a more profound level."

And another one talking about how the Holy Spirit investigates our whole life, digging away layer by layer, eventually getting down to the bedrock, our earliest emotional life.
"Hence, as we progress toward the center where God is actually waiting for us, we are naturally going to feel that we are getting worse."

Maybe I am revisiting some old things I thought were done with... or old habits... or old parts of myself that I thought were surrendered.

I believe it is God directed, not self induced. Spirit led, not emotions based on chemical imbalances. Maybe chemical imbalances have something to do with how I am handling the emotions, and the heightened scrutiny of my emotional life, but I believe that this is all held, guided, led by God.

The other day I was sitting, trying to figure out what was going on. I remembered at church this past Sunday, a friend sang special music, talking about Jesus hands being open, reaching out to us. I just got this sense of Him reaching out to me and as I put my hands in His, He pulled me up, and into His embrace. I looked out the window, and across the road was this huge tree. I just got the sense that I was clinging to the trunk of that tree. It swayed in the wind, bent with the storms, but never broke or faltered. It gave shade in the heat, shelter in the rain, and stood through the winters harsh gale, only to bud and flourish the coming spring.

Now I know the analogy breaks down, because trees do die, they do fail, and if the wind and storm is strong enough, they will uproot.

But not only am I clinging to the tree (the cross) He is clinging to me. His arms are wrapped around me. I don't know what that means. I mean I KNOW in my head. But my heart, it just doesn't get it right now. It does to a certain extent, but maybe this is God's move to help my heart understand it on a deeper, more profound level.

God is moving. He is. He gave me just a glimpse into what my marriage could be, if I can break free of my inhibitions, and fears of confrontation, and fears of not being heard or understood... and showed me how freeing, and strengthening it could be. Oh, have I been praying for Him to bless our marriage. How I have been praying for Him to break me free of the past enough to really embrace my present and future.

God is moving. He has used me to help my girlfriend, who has gone through some similar things I have in the past, and done some of the same things I have done. She went through the Steps to Freedom by Neil T. Anderson with a couple in our small group. And the change in her countenance was amazing yesterday.

God is moving. He gave my husband and I a date night. One of the first in a really, really long time. Where it was truly just us out. No kids, no other commitments, no stealing time together when he was working a slide show for a wedding or anything like that. Us, dinner and a movie.

I know in my head God is moving. I can see it with my eyes. I hear the wind of His Spirit sweeping down over me, and I get fearful. Even when I know He is using His cleansing fire to purify me and burn away the dross, it is painful. To die to the old and live for the new is painful, because something DOES have to die!

Maybe when I can sort things out, when I am not so tired, I will be able to write more. I have had more insights today, but right now, this is all I can write.

I am praying that God will give me words. I am praying that God will yet again show Himself glorified through me. I feel frustrated that I am writing again, of struggles and emotional ups and downs. I am frustrated that I am struggling with depression some too.

It's just, well, not what I wanted... not where I planned myself to be, when I am less than 2 months out from going to She Speaks, and needing to have 2 talks prepared. When I am supposed to be getting ready the music for VBS. When I am supposed to be looking for some sort of job. When I am supposed to be enjoying my summer with my husband and kids. When I am supposed to be preparing my son for Kindergarten.

This is not in my plans God!!!!
But it isn't about me or my plans, is it?

This is something that really hit me as I read the book, and as I am out of words, I am going to close with this prayer that Scazzero wrote for the end of Chapter 3, in "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."
"O Lord, slow me down that I might pay attention to you through this day, that I might meet you even as I read these pages. It is safe to walk with you whether I feel like it today. You are a secure place. Anchor me to you today, O Lord, amidst the storms and trials going on around me. Break me free from all thoughts and ideas about you that are not true. Unleash a spiritual revolution in my interior, Lord Jesus. Set me truly free, O Lord, that I may be a gift to those around me. In Jesus name, amen."
(emphasis mine)

Cindy...

Update below

Those of you following my blog for the last week or so, know that I have requested prayer for my friend, Cindy. She has been with me through so much the past couple of years. And she has gone through so much herself.

This past week has been especially tough on her.

She is now down in the Nashville area, taking care of her mother, while her sister, Cher, takes care of her own son, Timothy.

Cindy is not the nurse type. She threw up when her kids threw up and were sick. She just isn't gifted in this area. However, now she is taking care of her mom, who has a colostomy and is going through chemo treatments for an in-operable cancer, ovarian. Her mom is not a believer so, though the chemo will only give her at most 6 more months, she is trying it.

The chemo is making her extremely sick, and now that she has just had surgery to put in the colostomy, she is going back in for chemo tomorrow.

Cindy took her in for some doctor appointments today. She is going to spend most of the day tomorrow at doctor offices, and then Thursday her mom gets her first bout of chemo since her surgery for the colostomy. The she has to take her mom, sick from the chemo, through a bunch of doctor visits on Friday.

My biggest prayer request is for her rest. When I talked to her today, Cindy just sounded exhausted. She is wiped. She said she hasn't been sleeping well. She goes to bed when her mom does, and gets up when she does. But last night alone, she went to bed just after 10pm, and was up by 5:30am. Now that wouldn't be so bad if she were sleeping straight through the night and waking rested. But she isn't sleeping through the night. I know that she has been waking up several times, at least. She also has been dealing with a steady headache for about 8 weeks now.

All day.
Every day.
Non stop.

Nothing touches it. Nothing stops it. Nothing even lessens the pain.

I can't describe what my heart did when I heard her voice today. She just sounded to me like she was talking so carefully, just because she couldn't hardly move. You know the feeling. When you are barely hanging onto consciousness because you are so tired. She sounded so exhausted, and it was just about noon.

Please. Please pray for her. I know you don't know Cindy. I know you don't know her family. But even a brief prayer on her behalf, I know God will hear.

Her mom, Janie, and her sister Cher, do not know Jesus. I doubt her nephew Timothy does either. Please pray for their salvation. They so need to rest in the arms of Jesus, and have an assurance and strength that passes all understanding. They need, most of all, HOPE. Just by the things Cindy has described, they have none. They are clinging with desperation, to this life.

Thank you so much for your prayers. I know that Cindy appreciates them... more than you can know. When I told her I was posting here on my blog for her, she was so grateful to know others were praying.

Soon, I will be able to get back to regular posts, but for now, please keep Cindy and her family in your prayers.

Here is a direct update from Cindy... Her words, not mine. I am copying and pasting from an email that I got from her today.

Thanks so much for praying!
Today was chemo day and we are at back at Mom's now and she is sleeping. I have had some quiet time to read and pray both during her chemo and over the last hour as she sleeps...God is giving me everything I need and I am so very thankful I have Him and so many people praying.

Additional prayer request is for my Dad, who is struggling right now with his health...I don't know exactly what is going on, but a gal who works for a home health care group will be visiting his house tomorrow and said she would call me and let me know how he is doing.

The phone calls have been nonstop today between my brother, sister and dad. But, still God is giving me peace and I know He will give me wisdom in all the situations I find myself in with the family.

Prayer for their salvation and peace in their souls and hearts still is my greatest prayer.

As you can tell, the prayers are needed and well appreciated. I am glad that she emailed me and let me know how she was doing, and how things went today... and that now you have her words, not just mine! I had emailed her on the off chance that she would have email... wasn't sure she had her computer with her or internet access.

Thank you again!
Love you all,

New update on friend...

Further update: I talked to Cindy at about 12:30 central time. She was in Rockford, IL on her way to Tennessee. She said that she talked to her sister this morning and Timothy's heart rate dropped really low last night. The doctors thought he might have a type of pneumonia where skin grows over the lungs (I don't know what that might be...) they are doing tests today to find out. Her sister Cher is very scared. Her mom also isn't sounding like she is doing well on the phone. So Cindy made the call to go down. As of 12:30pm central time she probably had 8-10 hours of driving left to do. She doesn't like driving in the dark, so continue to pray for her traveling safety.
She told me she is so thankful to know that people are praying for her and her family... and is grateful to all of you who are reading this and praying.

Dear friends, I can't thank you enough for your prayers on behalf of Cindy and her family. (see here for original email)

I just got a call from her this morning. She left a message on my answering machine to let me know she is going down to Tennessee today, to help her family. She said that nothing is getting better and if anything, its getting worse.

I don't know if that means that Timothy is getting worse or what, but I know that she needs prayer. She has been having trouble sleeping through the night for almost 2 months now. She is also working on her 8th week of waking up every morning with a headache. They haven't gone away, and no medicine touches them. So, she battles the headache all day, only to wake up with it again the next morning.

Please pray for -
Her safety as she drives
God to give her peace, and a chance to just rest in His presence while she is in the car
Peaceful relationships and interactions with her family
Healing for her mom
Healing for her nephew
Salvation for her family as well

I just keep feeling the need to cry out to God for the salvation of her mom and sister, as well as the strength and grace Cindy is going to need to take care of her family in any way she can. Her family can really "eat up" her time, and try to make her feel guilty for not helping more than she is. She knows her limits and has healthy boundaries, but being tired, and having this headache are just really hard on her. The sense I have right now is that she could just be under a lot of spiritual attack, and pressure during this trip.

Thank you so much for joining me in prayer for Cindy and her family. Praise God she and I were able to spend most of the day together yesterday, praying and sharing and working through a book we are going through together. We had a wonderful time of fellowship, tears and laughter. I am praising God that He allowed us that time together yesterday, because it originally looked like she was going to be leaving either Wednesday or Thursday this week, rather than today (Friday).

Anyway, please continue to lift her up in prayer. She and her family need it probably more than we will ever know.
God bless all of you,

I will probably not call her today, unless it is a quick one to reassure her I am praying. But I will hopefully call her in a day or two to get an update on how things are going.

Prayer request for my friend and her family...

Update below!

Hi there. I am going to post a prayer request here, in hopes that enough people will see it and start praying for my friend Cindy and her family.

Cindy's mom Janie, has been fighting ovarian cancer. She underwent some pretty serious chemo a few weeks ago, and then had a bowel blockage. She underwent arthroscopic surgery to put in a colostomy. She came through that surgery fine, was supposed to go home on Friday, but Thursday night her fever spiked and so did her blood pressure. She finally came home on Monday.

Cindy's sister Cher has been taking care of Janie through out all the rounds of chemo, and the continuing side effects and has been staying with her at the hospital. She was called on Friday to go to meet her 16 yr old son at the doctor's office. He was diagnosed with a sinus infection, given antibiotic and sent home. Then the next day he was worse, so went to the hospital where they gave more antibiotics, and told he had pneumonia. He stayed overnight, and then came home.

Now Janie is at home, in the care of her 19 yr old granddaughter, and Cher just went by ambulance to the hospital again with her son Timothy. We don't yet know what is wrong with Timothy. He has a heart condition, since he was 6, and that could be causing problems. We just don't know.

Cindy said that she had called Cher just as they arrived at the hospital tonight, and so wasn't able to get any information. She is waiting for a call back to find out what is going on, and if she is needed to travel to Nashville to help out.

Neither Cher, her family, or Janie their mom, are Christians. Please if you could, pray for their salvation. Pray for health for the family. Pray for Janie that she will stay stabilized and will be ok to deal with for her granddaughter.
Pray for Cher that she will be able to take care of her son. Pray that it isn't Timothy's heart that is causing problems though the pneumonia could be serious too. Pray for physical healing for both Timothy and Janie.
Pray for peace for all of the family.
And if Cindy has to travel tomorrow, pray for her safety as she drives, and that she can leave all of her family in our Father's hands. She is currently doing laundry in anticipation of leaving if she is needed at a moments notice.

Thank you all so much for praying and I will be posting updates as soon as I know any. I know Cindy will send me an email, if not call, sometime tomorrow. I also told her I would call tomorrow, late afternoon to see how things are and where she is at.

I will update as soon as I know more!
Thank you again, and God bless,

Update: I talked with Cindy this afternoon. She was on the phone only briefly with me, but her nephew Timothy is still in the hospital. His O2 stats were so low, that he had to be taken by ambulance to the hospital. He is currently on oxygen. His stats were in the 60s, and should be in the upper 90s so he wasn't doing well. Cindy said that he is currently on 30% oxygen. My husband said that means he is probably on a face mask. Please continue in prayer for them all, and that the pneumonia would clear up and not put too much stress on his heart. Thanks!

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 9

I am catching up a little bit! Here is chapter 9, of our book "An Untroubled Heart." If you want to catch up on reading, check out Lelia's blog.

Chapter 9: The right kind of Fear

Micca talked about how our fear shouldn't be fear of the future, or fear of the things that might happen. The fear we should have, is of God. Not fear that He will punish us, or that He is mean, or being afraid to come to Him.

A reverential fear. A fear that He is bigger and more powerful, stronger and more gracious than we can ever imagine. A healthy fear. A respect for the One who gives us life, and grace, and peace, and love.

"To fear God is not to shrink back from him in terror. It's to live an obedient life, showing admiration to the one who loves us so. Only then will we love and serve and revere him as we should."

I have learned to fear God more this past week or so. I have learned how important that is. I have learned that I need to surrender to Him, and live that obedient life. I need to do the things that He is calling me to do, in obedience to Him. When I do, it shows how much I love Him and trust Him to not harm me but prosper me, trust Him to give me a hope and a future.

I don't want to shrink back from Him in terror. I want to serve Him in love and trust.

This week I was shrinking back in terror. I was struggling with letting some things go, because I was afraid of what I thought He might do, or what He might call me to do. I was truly. It is silly, because how many times have I surrendered to Him before and He has loved me and accepted me for who I am, as I am, and been gentle with me? Yet I was still fearful.

The enemy tried to get in there and twist things and tell me that willful disobedience deserved nothing but punishment (truth) and that God wouldn't forgive me and still love me (lie). Though I might deserve punishment, God gave me mercy. Then He showed me grace by lavishing His love on me, and giving me comfort and peace instead of fear.

Though I may still be facing some of the same problems, I can rest in His care and love for me.

Oh do I love Him for that!

"...it's our love for God that compels us toward passionate obedience and enables us to receive His blessings."

I want to live that passionate obedience. It is hard, never easy, I am not saying it is. Because our minds are so prone to believe what we can see, taste, touch... things that seem more concrete. God's purposes behind some of the problems we face are much less concrete at times, but not less important. They are probably the most important.

I need to learn in the tough times to embrace the lessons God may be teaching. The best thing is, when we embrace those times, and the lessons, we love Him more, and are inspired to a more passionate obedience.

I can't close this any better than Micca did.
"When circumstances are hard, it feels like anything other than love... You and I must devote ourselves more to the revealed nature of God's love than to the reason of our natural minds."

The things that we see aren't the most important. The most important is what God truly gives us, in His love. The lessons, and not letting the most difficult moments pass by without a lesson. Those lessons reveal more about God and His nature, and our nature, and the things that we fear are not nearly as important and fearing God, Himself.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 8

I am posting SO late on some of these chapters, but I just re-read Chapter 8 and 9 of our book, "An Untroubled Heart," and felt like I needed to post on them. If you want to join in our study, hop over to Lelia's site to either join in, or read other posts on each chapter.

Chapter 8: Overcoming the fear of the Unknown

So much of my life has been consumed by worrying. I have found myself worrying about the future. Then, in my worry, I have tried to figure out what all the different possibilities could be that might happen, and plan for each one. I might not "physically" prepare, but I "mentally" prepare, and plan out my actions.

It has driven me insane at times, because, even in the little things if I plan something out and it changes, then I feel like I am thrown for a loop. I get all bent out of shape, because the control I was trying to have over the future, is suddenly wrenched away from me.

"In order for us to experience His life in ours, we have to make a choice. We can either continue to live our lives our own way - by holding on to fear, doubt, and control - or we can die to self and allow Jesus to live His life of wisdom, faith, power, and holiness through us."

"Yielding to God's will means that when we come face-to-face with a problem we've never encountered before, we can maintain our peace and actually look forward to the next step God has for us."

It's hard to make that choice to let things go and trust in God. But the freedom after making that decision is more than worth the struggle to let go.

Even the pain of situations is worth the hurt.

"...unpleasant things will happen to us in this world. They're out of our control. Yet in God's economy, every fear, every pain, every sorrow, and every loss is not wasted. God uses these little deaths to make us more like Him."

As I suffer through something, a part of my character is changed to look more like God. It is not always easy, and does cause some pain at times as God chisels away at us, removing things that need to be taken away so that we look more and more like Him. As we let Him chisel away at our imperfections, not only do we look more and more like Him, we become more and more like the people He created us to be.

Our characters change from the small (and big) deaths in our lives. We also gain because we get closer to God. Our relationship becomes deeper. We trust Him more. Surrendering our fears of the unknown, and letting go of that desire to control our own future, and trusting ourselves to His care (even when it hurts) changes us, deepens our relationship with God, and makes it more possible for us to engage with others. We are able to share our difficulties with others, the lessons we have learned, and help them through difficulties of their own.

God is so good, even when it is hard.

It has been hard these past few weeks, but God has proved so faithful. When I finally have surrendered to Him, He has changed my heart and helped me surrender to Him. He has helped me trust Him on a deeper level.

And that is worth everything.

Silence, resting in Him, and a heart change...

I don't know if any of you have heard of Peter Scazzero's small devotional book called, "Begin the Journey with the Daily Office" before.

If you have, and you have used it some in any sort of way in your life, you will know what I mean when I say this is making a huge difference in my walk with God.

The beginning of this week, I was still resisting God. I have been fighting him when he has wanted me to just surrender at least one area of my life to him that I have been holding out on. I was still acknowledging that I needed to do something, but not willing to take the steps I knew it were necessary.

The Daily Office really encourages spending some extended time (starting small and building up to longer times) being still before God and centering in on resting in his presence. I found it extremely hard to do so as I started this week. Probably because I knew my heart wasn't right.

My heart wasn't surrendered, so why would it find it easy to center in and quiet itself before God?

But as I walked through this devotional, my heart softened. As I read through the prayers about surrendering and being silent, and read through them out loud as suggested, something changed.

How can you read prayers, and pray prayers and seek God's presence without being changed?

Scazzero provides you with guides to prayers, a scripture reading, a devotional section (short), a question to consider, and a written prayer. There are two for each day; morning/midday and midday/evening; to fit your schedule as needed or as wanted. The point is to settle yourself before God for 10 minutes to 20 minutes or more as you have time, two or more times a day, depending on your daily routine and schedule. The idea behind that is, the more you take time out of your day, trusting God to help you get done what is really needed, laying down your control of the day, you take God with you into every part of your day. It reminds you that God is really with you. You are able to practice being in His presence through out the whole day, rather than "filling up" in the morning with a quiet time to "get what you need" for the rest of the day.

It has changed the way I think about my devotions with God. Whether I do one in the morning when I get up (which is preferrable to me, so I don't get busy with the kids, and my mind get going without first committing everything to Him) and one again at the end of the day, right before bed; or whether I do one at lunch and another just after supper, or any combination, I am more likely to stay with God throughout the day.

I don't just hurriedly say a quick prayer for the people I remember. No laundry list of prayers with a hurried reading, and hurried "oh, and God help me through this day... show me what to do, Amen."

This really forces me to slow down. To take my time. To start and end with at least 2 minutes of silence. When I find I am having trouble staying silent without my brain taking off, I take a small bit of scripture that I might be memorizing, and just pray through and meditate on a phrase of it, asking God to show me something that I haven't noticed before. Then I move on with the office for that day.

The rhythm of taking time out, then working some, then taking a bit more time out for resting in God, really has seemed to help my days. Now I am only on about day 4 right now, but already I notice a difference. My spirit seems so much more settled, even when there are things going on that I could be (and do still) worry about.

Some of the questions, or comments that have come up in the past few days from this book have really impacted me.

"Help me to listen to you and grant me the courage to faithfully surrender to you."

"God, sometimes, wounds us in our journey with him in order to move us out an unhealthy, 'tip of the iceberg' spirituality to one that truly transforms us from the inside out."

"Lord, I invite you to teach me to live in dependence on you. Help me rest and be still in your love alone."

"[When I am still] God can break through the many layers with which I protect myself, so that I can hear his Word and be poised to listen.... most of our human problems come because we don't know how to sit still in our room for an hour."

"Lord forgive me for running my life without you today. I offer my anxieties to you now - as best I can. Help me to be still, to surrender to your will, and to rest in your loving arms."
(excerpts from "Daily Office" pgs. 6-11)

Just sit and read through those passages again and let them sink in. As I have had time to soak them in, to really hear them in my heart as well as my mind, my heart has been changed.

The time in silence has become comfortable again. I have found the comfort in God's presence, in his word, in silence before him. I (for the most part!!) am not afraid to hear from him and what he might say.

I am looking forward to seeing what else he will teach me through this time of silence and seeking him several times a day. I am more hopeful, though there are still the same struggles as before. I feel like, through this, through the times of silence and contemplation before him, he has said to me, "It's ok, I am here and I am going to walk with you through this."

One of the biggest things I have felt, almost spoken aloud to me happened just the other day.

I felt God speaking to my heart.

I have filled you with my Spirit, you have power beyond your own.
I have covered you with my Son, you are cleansed, forgiven.
I have adopted you as your Father, you are set free and my heir.

There is nothing better than that realization.

The depression, anxiety, worries about money, worries about a job, fears for the future, concerns about family and friends, struggles with knowing who I really am, who I was created to be....
Those all pale in comparison to who I am in Christ, what my Father has given me, and how richly I am blessed.
Those other things are still there. But so is my Father. To Him I can run in everything, with everything.

May God bless you this day, and may you find time to silence your heart and mind before Him and rest in His presence.

Joyfully on the road,

Refuge, strength, and scripture memory...

I have been struggling for several days to come up with a scripture verse for the scripture memory challenge that Beth Moore is hosting.

Usually, I can sit down the day before, or the day it is due. I pray and ask God to show me the right verse. Usually, after a bit of prayer, and spending some time in the Word, and using a bible program to do some word or phrase searches for me I can come up with something pretty quickly.

Nope.

Not this week.
It just wasn't happening.

Last time, I was looking for something that talked about having and undivided heart or mind. That single-minded approach to God, to following Him. I found that in Psalm 86:11-13. It reminded me of the things He has done for me, and also the things that I need to keep doing... praising His name, and seeking to walk in His will... His truth.

This time, I started looking for something that would spin off of the last verse. I wanted something more to talk about an undivided mind or heart. I wanted something that I thought would speak to me in the next week + but that wasn't God's plan.

I have been searching the last couple of days.

Finally today I emailed Cindy and asked her to shoot my way any scripture references about God's comfort or provision. She sent several my way. Not one of them fit with my heart. I just wasn't satisfied. I still felt unsettled. However, something in one of the verses she sent me started me on another search.

This time I looked up "refuge." I have felt the need for comfort, for the reminder that God is my refuge and strength. I have needed the reminder of His peace.

I am still fighting some in my heart a resistance to fully surrender some areas of my life to Him. I need something to encourage me to do so... to really trust Him.

These were the verses I found.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
My hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;
Pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.

Selah."

Psalm 62:5-8

Is there anything more perfect than that?
Not for me.
At least, not this time around!

It is a reminder for me that He is my fortress, my refuge, my safety, my "safe place." It reminds me to trust in Him, because He hears my heart. He hears my cries. He knows them before I even cry them out, and He still is safe to go to.

It also reminds me of something I am learning I need more and more. These verses remind me to remind myself that I need rest. Rest in Jesus. Nothing else in this world is going to give me the rest that my very soul craves and longs for. Nothing I turn to will give me relief.

Jesus is the answer.
Jesus is the only way to true peace and joy.
Jesus is the only true "safe place" for our hearts.
Jesus is the one my salvation and honor depends upon.

Nothing else will do.
No one else will do.

He is it.

Now if only, along with the memorization, my heart can really take hold of the meaning of these words.

I pray God that Your word will take hold of me... and change me and rock me to my very core.

Who am I, really??

I feel like shouting...

"Will the real Heather, please stand up!"

I really do.

I am not really sure who I am anymore.

Through the past couple of years, as I have healed, God has broken down the walls and constructs I have built up to protect myself. He has demolished some of the "false selves" I have presented to the world as the "real me."

As those have come down, as my defense mechanisms have been shown for what they are, I have been left reacting to things differently than I used to.

I have found myself withdrawing, and disengaging in larger groups. I used to, at least for the most part, get into the middle of a group, and engage in a conversation or two. As long as I wasn't left sitting alone, I was ok. I wasn't looking to be the center of attention, but I was looking to be kept "occupied" so that I wouldn't feel the pain inside, I think.

I have found myself needing more alone time. Actually feeling more harried, impatient, and almost unhealthy if I don't get any for a while. I used to keep going and going, bouncing from one Christian activity to another. It felt, at the time that I was energized when I came away from these things. There were times that it was hard for me to wind down after being with a group. I thought that was because I was energized being in a group. I am thinking now, that it was a way for me to cope again with pain deep inside. If I could keep hyper during and after something, I could keep myself from feeling how truly lonely I was on the inside.

Now I am becoming at least a little more comfortable being alone, and by myself. I am enjoying it, rather than being overwhelmed by the silence. I find I can enjoy the silence and don't "need" music on in the background, or the TV on or something.

Here is a quote from chapter 2 of "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazzero.

"God intends our deeper, truer self, which he created, to blossom freely as we follow him. God has endowed each of us with certain essential qualities that reflect and express him in a unique way. Part of the sanctification process of the Holy Spirit is to strip away the false constructs we have accumulated and enable our true selves to emerge."

There is more too... I think I am going to be learning a lot as I go through this book with Cindy. I am done with chapter two, but I think I am going to have to keep processing it a bit at a time, as things come up.

But, I am not who I thought I was.

Now I feel lost.
I don't have the same reactions to situations I used to.
I find emotions sneaking up on me at unexpected times.
I get caught off guard.
I don't know what to expect.
I feel lost.

God, who am I? Who did you create me to be?

Soothing reminders...

I love this verse that Beth Moore shared with us on her post today.

If I say, "My foot is slipping," Your loyal love, O Lord, supports me. When worries threaten to overwhelm me, Your soothing touch makes me HAPPY."
Psalm 94:18-19 out of the New English Translation

I went to visit Cindy at church today, where she works. I got there over 20 minutes early, and as I knew she was giving up time out of her work day for me, I decided to spend the time sitting on the hill near our lower parking lot. That way I would give her time to get some things done before we started talking.

I sat on the sweet smelling grass. The sun was hot on my back. The sound of song birds was in the air. The wind was a gentle breeze blowing on my face, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

I was able to sit there and settle myself in God's presence. I felt like He spoke right to me, where I was at, right then and there.

As I rested there, I was reminded by Him that He is there with me. He created me to perfectly feel the sun and the breeze. He created that sun and breeze to warm and cool me. He created the gold finches flying overhead, singing sweetly to me.

He created that moment specifically for me.

For me to remember in times of doubt. Or in times of fear. Or in times of loneliness. Or in times where I feel disengaged. Or in times of extreme stress and worry.

His touch is soothing indeed, and it makes me happy. It made me happy right then and there.

Then as Cindy and I talked and spent some time tackling some more difficult questions, and processing through them, at one point, God reminded me of sitting outside.

He reminded me, yes I may feel very lonely at times. I may feel very stressed and wanting to disengage from everything. I may find that I am more of an introvert than I thought. I may find there are things about my personality, and habits that are re-occurring and difficult to overcome.

But He still makes the sun to warm my back, and the breeze to cool my face. He still does those things because He loves me. He wants to remind me that He is with me. He wants to remind me that He will never let me go.

He wants to remind me that His love is loyal. His love is unfailing. His love will always be there, no matter what my feelings are, or if I feel I deserve that love or not. (I never will, but He gives it anyway)

He picks me up, and dusts me off when I fall down. He supports me and keeps me from slipping. He sets my feet upon a firm place. He helps me get going in the right direction again.

But He does all of this with a gentle hand. Not harsh or hard or impatient. Not with an angry hand or countenance.

Gentleness.
Soothing.
Healing.

And when I think that I should be on the receiving end of harshness from Him... He surprises me again... (and why should I be surprised when He never changes in how He deals with me?)

His love overwhelms and in that overwhelming... oh how my worries are soothed away.

Then I am happy.
But deeper than that.
I am filled with joy.

Emotionally disengaging...

This week has left me in a blur. Since posting last week about my struggles, the struggles got harder as the week went on. As they did, I found the struggle with my emotions got more intense as well.

One of the things I have been doing is working my way through the book by Peter Scazzero, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality."

I have been blown away by this book. It is so good. Way better than I expected.

At Cindy's suggestion, I have paused myself at reading only one chapter at a time, as slowly as I can, so that I can really soak it in, and take notes as I go through it...

But before I go there... here is something I prayed as I processed after my last post. I recognized that though I had shared pretty freely what was going on with me, and though my heart was/is shame-filled at it all... my heart is also one more thing.

Hard.

Here is my prayer, directly to God.

"Lord God - Daddy - I don't know how to open my heart to the work you want me to do. Or the work you want to do in the area of how I view money and our finances and how ti fix it, and change that heart attitude. Right now, my heart is still cold towards it and I still want to stubbornly do my own thing - not yours. Oh I hate to pray this because i know it is what you want... soften my heart - make it living and pliable in your hands. Reform it to look more like you. I don't want to be static and unmoving and unmoved. If I continue to hold you at a distance in this area of my life, how can I ever be fully surrendered? Oh breathe your living Spirit through me. Your very breath of life and quicken my heart and soul to respond to you. I need you more than ever."

I prayed that prayer, but am not sure how much my heart engaged in it. I prayed it because I know that is what God wanted, not because I wanted to pray it.

As I was reading this book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality," I read something about how so many times when we are emotionally immature, but don't want to face it, we try to fill up ourselves with the newest discipleship models, new spiritual disciplines, but they never fill us up... because we can't separate emotional maturity from our spiritual maturity. We can never reach spiritual maturity, when we don't ever address our emotional life. When we are emotional infants, we are spiritually immature. As we address our emotional maturity and do the hard work of growing in that area, our spiritual maturity grows as well... God works them together and grows them together. It can become a revolutionary change in our lives, and in the lives of those around us.

(Did I mention this is an incredible book and I haven't even gotten past the first chapter?!)

Well, as Scazzero was talking about trying to fill the emptiness, this thought popped into my head.

"Why do I find myself disengaging when in a group right now?"

I find myself in a group of people, and emotionally and mentally becoming distant, especially when I don't have to specifically engage with anyone at that moment. I find myself lonely in a group. I find myself wanting to pull away, just stay home and sleep. I don't look forward to public events, even not wanting to "do" mother's day... I was doing something the other day with my husband, and found myself completely socially, emotionally and mentally disengaging, and pulling inward.

I know that depression has a lot to do with it. I don't know if it is connected with being on the borderline between extrovert and introvert or not. I know that I can appear an extrovert in some settings because I can do the "acting" and have to work hard sometimes at appearing even natural in certain situations... I don't know.

Where I used to be more energized by being in larger groups (in college) now I find that I am becoming more comfortable with small groups, and one on one get togethers, rather than the larger groups...

...and the larger the group, the harder I have to fight this tendancy to become disengaged. I have had to fight this tendency even more this past week or so. It has gotten stronger, maybe as I have struggled with my emotions more this week too.

I don't know if anything even really connects here.

But God is doing something. I don't know what. My heart is resistant to the changes He wants to make in it. I am still fighting that. I am consciously having to fight the strong desire to withdraw and disengage and get out of group events.

Wednesday, my son is going on his first field trip, with his 4k class. They will be taking a bus, for about a 40 minute ride to a nearby town that has a small zoo. I have been asked to chaperone. I remember as a kid, always wanting my mom to come, and rarely was she able to, so when Peter (with that spark of fear in his face) asked if I would come, I said I would.

Right now, though I won't do it, I want to get out of going. I could ask Dave to go in my place, but I know Peter wants me to go.

I am fearful of having to fight that urge to disengage. And I don't want Peter to see me fighting fear, or fighting depression or whatever during the day. I want him to experience the zoo as fun and school field trips as something to be looked forward to, not feared.

I guess all I can ask is for more prayers.

God is taking me on a refining process. He has for the past several years. Because I have a blog, and tend to write through things, you are coming on this journey with me... provided you are still hanging with me here.

Thank you for praying me through these things. I hope that I can and have been sharing the "good" moments as well... the moments of answered prayer.

In the morning I am getting together with Cindy to talk through the first chapter in this book. I am hoping that we will be able to have the time to really get into some of the things that have been bothering me. There is more, beyond what I have shared here, and I am just praying that God will orchestrate what time we have.

Please pray with me that God will bring up the things I need help processing through and the things that I can work through on my own with Him will be left for later.

"An Untroubled Heart," Chapter 7

Welcome to our "Yes to God" study hosted by Lelia. Please join us... read along with us... comment freely~

Chapter 7: What's the Worst that Could Happen?

For me, that is a hard question to answer. There are fears that are preying on my mind. I always have them, but there are times when I am able to push them away or drown them out.

The past few years I have fought fears.
Fears of failure.
Fears of the past.
Fears of the future.

Fears.
Tons of them.

I know that many of them were played up by the enemy as well, because come on. Would he really want to see a child of God succeed, and grow and be productive in the Kingdom?

I like Micca's point that the very worst thing that could happen to anyone is to not know Jesus, and be eternally separated from Him.

I am so grateful to be His child. I can call Him "Abba, Father" because I have been given the spirit of adoption. He is my Father. I am His child. There is no comfort on earth better than that.

When I can boil it all down to that, my fears do seem to melt away.

But, as I live and breathe, things crowd in and take over, and life happens, distractions come. I lose my focus. It gets foggy. It gets muddy. Suddenly I feel like I am living under this huge weight.

It's a weight today, that only briefly, as I distracted myself by window shopping with my son, lifted.

It was a warm day, sunny for the most part, and we had a mommy and son day, doing some of our favorite things.

It was nice. It was really very fun.

I came home and reality crashed in.

Now my stomach is in knots again.

I am coming down a bit from the emotional high I was on from last week. That isn't what is causing the knots though. I would say that I am at a "lower emotional level" (like that dancing with words?).

Its some other circumstances... that frankly, I am not helping right now. My hubby wants me to get a job. I haven't yet. I should. We will be extremely lucky if we don't get overdrawn before the next check comes in. Literally. And it comes in on Thursday. You know the check that will over draw us? Our tithe check. If it gets deposited tomorrow.

Yes.
Our. Tithe. Check.

i feel pretty small right about now....

And I am trying to figure out how the heck to get even $10 into the bank before the check gets deposited by the church.

Ugh.

And so I am wide awake. Exhausted. A headache. A knot in my stomach. A sore back. And I feel like I could throw up.

Then I read this:
"Christ's provision goes far beyond heaven and earth. When you and I face the unknown, God is there, leading the way through our unknown territory until we are safe on the other side."

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I know His history with me.
He has made that above statement a true one.
I can wholeheartedly agree with it...
concerning my past.

Intellectually, I can agree with it concerning my future.

But my heart?

Humpf.

My heart isn't having any of it...
which is why I still feel like throwing up.

My head keeps telling me I was dumb to put that tithe check in the offering plate this Sunday because I knew how close we were running this week to hitting "red." But I heard this little voice say, "Trust Me." So, with a deep breath I put it in, and let it go.

Then proceeded to use my credit card when I needed, or wanted, to buy something this week. So, where is the trust in that???????

Yeah, I took it into my own hands immediately that afternoon. When I went to the store to get some things we didn't need. Things I wanted.

So... should I really try to scrape up $10 to save us a $30 fee, or do I take my punishment for not being a good steward? It's one check. One item that will overdraw us. We won't spend anything till his check clears our account on Thursday... but I am not even going to want to look at the account on line... especially when it comes time to pay some bills.

Ok... so I don't know if this post had anything to do with this weeks chapter, or if I am just venting. But I look at the question, and apply it to my life... what's the worst that could happen?

I say to myself, and to others... well, we could lose everything, but we won't lose his job, because its a stable profession (at least right now they aren't firing nurses in our area!). We can always move in with his folks at the farm, and no one will let us starve to death....

But, inside I quiver when I say that, and pray that God won't make it come to that. But He just might. To get my attention. I can't blame it on my hubby's lack of money management skills. I can't blame it on mine. It's deeper than that. It's a control issue. It's a heart issue. It's a greed issue. It's a "I want it all and I want it now" issue. It's an issue of not being able to really take hold of and apply the delayed gratification principle.

It's an issue of trust. Letting go of the things that I think I need. The things I think I want. The things that I try to fill my emptiness with.

I try to go "cold turkey" and really clamp down on my spending. I may not be able to control anyone else's spending, but I can control mine. So... nada... nothing. Be careful. Get only the milk needed and not one extra thing more....
Then slowly I loosen things up a bit... without really realizing it, and suddenly I have my credit card out all the time, the bills go up, my "appetites" go up, and my control goes down. I justify it by telling myself I don't go out and spend it all on clothes, though I would love to go get some clothes that fit me, and stop trying to patch the jeans I have to make them work. Instead, I go out an I spend on coffee, food, extras at the grocery store, books... (oh, that's a bad one...) taking my son out to eat (twice) today rather than packing a lunch and being home in time for dinner.
and I am back in the hole... financially, spiritually, emotionally... fearful and stressed... and knowing that God has better for me, but no idea of how to get there.

I need to let God fill me. Let God show me the things I really need. Again. Show me the things that I really want. Again.

Part of my memory verse this time is from Psalm 86:11-13
Verse 11:
"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;
give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."

I need an undivided heart... one wholly devoted to Him, to His truth, and His way. I need to fear Him more than fearing our financial situation (than fearing how I handle our financial situation... clamping down or burying my head...). I need to fear God above all else. A holy fear.

If I would finally give in and fear Him and Him alone, maybe I could stop striving for things to fill me up and make me feel better. Maybe I would finally be able to rest. If I fear Him, I sure wouldn't have time to fear anything else!

I want to stand firm on Him. I want to stand firm on His grace. I want to stand firm, knowing the Holy Spirit guides me... in Faith not Fear!

"In times of trouble, whether it's in our family, workplace, community, church, or world, we have to get understanding from the Holy Spirit, who leads us in all truth and supplies supernatural strength to endure until the end by faith, not fear."

Please pray friends that I would let God have control of this area in my life and heart, that currently has control of me. There is a part of me - surprise - that just isn't surrendered to Him. Honestly, I really AM afraid of what it will take to get me to the point of letting it go. It seems the times I have tried in the past, in response to the promptings of the Spirit, well, I just keep taking it back. Maybe it's come in stages, a bit at a time, as I have been willing to surrender it.... but I see my spending habits, and attitudes about money reflected back at me, in my 5 yr old (a wonderful 5 yr old mirror), and I don't like it.

Micca said:
"If you are full of worry, then it may be that you have not fully given every area of your life over to God."

I agree with that... but I also know that I made conscious decisions today that caused me to spend more than I needed to.... probably that $30 overdraft charge I am going to have... on credit. And I consciously squelched the Spirit, and said I am going to do it when I want, and how I want.... I "deserve" it. HA!

There is no graceful way to end this post. So I am just going to publish this. But know my heart is cringing right now... just because it hates being this exposed. This hits a bit too close to home to be comfortable.
I suppose playing it safe, and coming up with generic comments about the chapter would be more comfortable. But it wouldn't be honest. It would be lying. It would be saying that everything is swell, when it isn't.

How could I really say that I am actually ON the road and really WALKING with Jesus if I didn't show the pot holes, washouts and rock falls along the way...

It's raw (as my heart and stomach... oh, does it feel icky right now... can attest to) but it's real.
No apologies for that... but praying I didn't over step bounds, or this post will be gone and maybe not re-written... just so I don't get tempted to lie!