Friends, family, hay, and trains... my life the past few days!

It's 7pm, and I actually have some moments of quiet.

I haven't been on the computer a whole lot at home because I loaned my laptop out to a friend who is pretty much out of comission with a knee surgery, and needed to be able to get at his email and do some work.

It's ok though, it just means that Dave has to share his computer with me! :) Not sure what he thinks about that yet. Especially when he finds that I have been "blogging" on HIS computer! :D

This week has been a week.

One of ups and downs.

Great conversations.

Difficult decisions for dear friends.

I have definitely gone "up" and "down" this week.

I started out my work week pretty low, and stayed that way all week, slowly getting better by Wednesday evening. I don't think it is my work itself that is pulling me down (I work at my church as the administrator) but maybe the enemy hitting me as much as possible to keep me from doing what I should be.... not sure on this, but feeling its a pretty good guess.

Thursday morning I spent on a friends porch. I was alone, just me and God. I was waiting to let in hospice to set up a hospital bed in their living room. My dear friends Henry and Sandy are going through a rough time. Henry has colon cancer. They have stopped chemo and are now home from the hospital, on home hospice.

Though it has been very difficult for them, I know they are totally at peace now with this situation, and with the decisions that have been made.

While I was at their house, I spent the time praying for them, prayer walking through their house.... and spent some great personal time with God too.

I had nearly 4 hours of uninterrupted time before things started hopping there, and people and equipment started arriving.

I walked into my friend Cindy's house on Friday, and after giving and receiving a big hug, she asked me how I was doing (because Tuesday was an awful day!!!!). I was able to tell her joyfully that I was doing really pretty good! Imagine her surprise and delight!

I had a great talk with her that morning, and a great conversation with my friends Peter and Donna the night before.

Yesterday, after getting home from spending time with Cindy, I mowed the lawn really quick and then ran to the farm with the kids, because my father in law was baling hay.

He had cut the day before, and side raked earlier in the day - he was trying to get it in the barn before dark, and it was supposed to rain last night (which it did).

It has been raining so much here that there haven't been 2-3 consecutive days without rain that were good for cutting hay. All the farmers are behind and trying to squeeze it in.

So, out to the farm we went.

I brought work gloves and jeans and borrowed a long sleeved shirt for helping out. I have never really been able to help before, because my allergies are so bad that I can't hardly breathe when I try to help. And usually there have been more than enough people to help, so I can back out and let someone else do it.

Not yesterday. My husbands cousin was there, and so my father in law, Joe and Dave's cousin Tom had brought in the first load and got it in the barn. I got there while Joe was baling the second load. So, I went into the house and made sure there was fresh watermelon and that the dinner was in the oven.

I came out when I heard him coming down the road with the loaded hay wagon. I wish I had some pictures to show you of the day and all the kids riding high on those mountains of bales!

I knew Joe didn't expect me to help, but I walked over with my work gloves on, hair in a bandanna, and long sleeves. I got up on the wagon and waited for Tom to get up in the loft and the elevator to start going. Thankfully the bales weren't too heavy this time, and I was able to pull them down, and line them up for my 6 yr old son who kicked and pushed them over to Joe to get them on the elevator. (He was thrilled to be helping that way when he realized that he couldn't swing them like grandpa!)

We did great until Joe needed to pull the wagon forward, to get at the bales at the back of the wagon, and got stuck on the end elevator, cause he pulled in crooked. At that point a friend of the family showed up and was able to help lift the elevator out of the way, and help unload the rest of the wagon. Since he could pretty much handle 2 bales at once, one with each hand, I was out of a job on the wagon.

I was relegated to "women's work" of making more juice and bringing out fresh fruit and stuff...

Though I am pretty sure it wasn't intentional, I am disappointed that I didn't get to really help unload more than I did. I wasn't really pushed aside, but when I was told I could go take a break, instead of speaking up and saying I wanted to keep on going, I backed down. I didn't mind running the errands for food and drinks in between loads, cause I couldn't help in the field. But I guess I am kind of mad at myself for not speaking up and saying I wanted to help out more.

I know I will probably get more chances as the summer goes on and the weather cooperates, but still. I wanted to do the work once I got out there. It felt really good to do something physical like that, that I knew was helping the family.

In the end though, with the help of the 2 other guys, Joe got in all his loads. Five in all from the 2 fields he cut. I don't know how much more he is planning on baling himself, but I know he will be helping others if he doesn't bail, so I may get another chance this summer to help out and prove myself.

Today, I went with my family for a train ride. The place we went was about 3 hours away from us, and we went with our cousins. After the 3 hours of driving we got to walk around the train yard. Then got on the train and had a pizza lunch, and rode for nearly 2 hours. Then the long ride home again.

My husband is tired (so am I) but he is sleeping right now (hence the reason I can "blog" on his computer!!!)

It was a good day with the family. I did get joy out of it, which is I guess, what the doctor and I want to see as the result of my taking the medications.

I still am finding myself very easily irritated, and frustrated. My anxiety is still very high. Some days it goes down - like on Friday... but today it was way back up there again.

It's hard to tell what is circumstantial, and what isn't. I don't know what to attribute it all to, but I guess even if I don't know, I have to roll with the punches and do what it takes to take care of myself.

I am tired out, but I am also hungry and thirsty, so I am going to go outside, where it is a bit cooler (rather than trying to go sleep right now - if I did that I would never sleep through the night) and enjoy a fire and some reading and maybe some hotdogs over the fire.

I guess that will be a way I can take care of myself tonight, as long as I don't stay out too late by the fire.

I hope to write more soon, to share more of what I have been learning through reading a book that Cindy recommended to me.

Hopefully that will come sometime this week.

I guess I just wanted to let you know what was going on, and how I was doing since that last post of mine.

On the road... walking with Jesus,

Heather

Let this cup pass me by....

Well here is my update.

Yup.

I was right. I'm back on the anti-depressant.

Not so sure how I feel about that yet. Still struggling with it I guess. Sort of in shock. Sort of numb.

I feel kind of like I failed, came up short, didn't really give it all I had to give.

I've felt that way many times in my life - like I just come up short of really giving it everything I have, not quite totally spending myself in something - always leaving something in reserve, rather than leaving it all out on the field.

I guess I kind of feel that way now.

Whether it's the truth or not.... I don't really know, honestly.

Maybe those few of you who have been reading my infrequent posts the past few months or so might be able to tell me, or give me a more accurate picture of myself.

I called in my prescription and will pick it up on my way home from work.

I am so done in. I am ready to call it quits... but I have about 3 tons of laundry to do.... and I work yet today and tomorrow. Too much to do, and no time to do it in.

All I really want to do is curl up and pull the covers over my head till it all goes away, or leaves me alone, which ever comes first and lasts the longest.

Not much chance of either, really, is there?

I hope God uses this medication to make me more functional again. I feel like I am faking it most days, when all I want to do is curl up in a little ball somewhere and cry (when I'm at work, I want to get under my desk where no one can see me.... at home, it's my bed....)

At least I haven't gone down as deep as I once did. I was at a whole different level of hurt then. I had a lot of past stuff to deal with. God has healed me from a lot.

When I doubt it, or doubt that it was God, I go back into my old posts and start reading.

So I know I am starting at a different place now. My feet have been on much more solid ground... more truth under my feet than there was before.... I am basing less of me on lies - and the sinking sand, so my footing is that much more secure.

But I still feel like I have fallen pretty hard.

One of the pastors that I work with encouraged me today to not give up, and to keep on pressing in towards God, to keep reminding myself of what the truth is.

I know he is right. When I am thinking clearly, or have more energy, I do that - I am able to refocus my mind, even a little and it becomes easier.

But when I am tired, when my brain is fuzzy, it doesn't seem to help to have that encouragement. I just feel even more dumb and tired and silly for even having these thoughts and feelings... which is totally NOT the result anyone has for encouraging me!

However, I do need the reminders to dwell on the truth.

I need the TRUTH like I thirst for water.

I need JESUS more than ever.

I am so thankful that He knew what it was to despair, to be depressed, and yet to still trust His Father and have a close relationship with Him, even when He was begging for the cup to be taken from Him.

Because I think that is what I have been doing. Begging God to take the cup away from me...... but I haven't been like Jesus in saying, "not my will but Your's be done."

I'm not there right now.

I have been there in the past as I have seen how God has used my experiences to help others, either through this blog or in personal, private conversations.

But again, right now, I am begging God to let this cup pass me by.

It seems I have to drink of it again.

It's very hard to swallow.

Again.

Doctors and decisions - prayer too...

I am going to be seeing my doctor about 2 hours from now.

It's a normal appointment that I have about every 3-4 months now. It's a basic med check appointment to see how I am doing.

How am I doing?

I know I am going to have to answer that question from him.

I'm not even sure that I can answer that here - right now - much less at his office.

I have my good and bad days, just like anyone else.
My ups and downs.

I just feel like I am getting slammed - pounded - as Cindy said to me earlier this afternoon.

I have a day or two where the days seem almost normal. Then the anxiety builds and with it depression. Then I get in a string of days like that.

Days I have no energy.
Days I have no strength.
Days I just want to cry.
Days I don't want to get out of bed.
Days I can't manage to keep my thoughts straight.
Days I struggle to pray.

I still spend time with God, I still read His Word to me. I still journal my prayers and thoughts the best I can. I seek the prayers and counsel of a few close friends. And eventually I get a few hours here or there of relief, and finally maybe a day or two.

Then the cycle starts over.

I have to try to share this with my psychiatrist, and share some of the thoughts I have had from time to time.

I know that there are many stressors going on right now that can be helping in putting me over the edge.

Just seeing a close friend's husband dying of cancer and walking through it all with her would be enough, and there are other things as well!

I know some of you may not get this in time to pray for me during my specific appointment time, but please do pray. I could really use it.

I need wisdom to sort between lies and truth, and the ability to communicate clearly and honestly with my doctor. Depending on what he thinks, this appointment may result in my starting up with anti-depressants again.

I honestly don't know what to think about that. Part of me thinks its not necessary, that I am blowing things out of proportion, and another part of me doesn't.

Thanks so much,
On the road... walking with Jesus,
Heather

Update on Concert Festival

I am going to keep this short, as I have little time, and still other things I want/need to share here - hopefully later today.

The weekend went very well. I was amazed at the peace that surrounded everyone and everything. Though everyone was extremely tired and at their limits, I didn't hear one complaint from anyone as they pushed through their exhaustion and kept serving and ministering and doing their assigned jobs. That includes all the youth!

It was amazing to see people come together to minister, do outreach, to worship and pray together.

I know of for sure 3 people who came to Christ for sure. However there were probably 50-60 people who came forward for the alter call on Friday night.

A rough guess is that about half of them received Christ, though not all talked to someone about their decision.

The other half were people who were hurting, or needing to lay something down, or in a spot where they were desperate in their needs.

They were met too, by our awesome God.

Our numbers were low. Our church is going to have to make up some of the differences. It has been a learning experience for all of us, but it has been oh, so important and impactful for all of us.

Please continue to pray for not only the youth (for encouragement, though their bigger vision didn't pan out as far as numbers of attendees is concerned) and pray for the rest of the church that they would be able to grasp clearly what God did this weekend, and not "grumble" about the end monetary result.

Haiti still gets money from the event.
People still got saved.
Our community was reached out to.

The goals and vision the kids had were met, even if not in as wide a scope as they originally dreamed.

Thank you for praying for us!

On the road... walking with Jesus,
Heather

Special prayers for an outreach concert....

Short update here - I have other stuff to post about, but wanted to share this bit.

Our youth group at our church had been going through a book called "Hard things." Basically it challenged them because it talked about how the world views teens, that they are unable to do much more than go to school and make their beds.... much less have an impact on this world. The writers of the book challenged them to stand above and beyond what society expects of them.

The kids started dreaming about what they could do together as a youth group to impact their world.... when.... Haiti was hit by the earth quake.

After much praying, they felt God was giving them a vision to put together a Christian Music Festival as a benefit for Haiti.

They started doing some leg work, and dreaming of headliner Christian bands they could try to get.

They got a person to help them contact and make contracts with some bands. They picked a date, searched out sponsors in local businesses. They have partnered with Fellowship of Christian Athletes. They have raised funds to pay the bands, shared their vision with the community. They got food vendors coming in to donate some of their proceeds to the Haiti relief fund. They have gotten a comedian to be their MC, got local bands to fill time slots earlier in the day - and prayed like crazy.

Our local outdoor concert venue, Marathon Park is where it will be held.
This weekend.

These kids are ON FIRE for Jesus.

One of their visions was to raise funds for Haiti by selling enough tickets. They are weekend passes to get into the event for both Friday and Saturday. The grandstand and surrounding grassy areas can seat over 9,000 people. They are hoping to break the records for the park. The weather may affect some of this, but God can do anything!!!!

Another vision of theirs was to focus as well on outreach to fellow youth and young adults who don't know Christ. They are very passionate about this, and so purposely sought out a main line band, Seventh Day Slumber to be the final band tonight. They give an amazing alter call during their concert and have said that about 50% of the audience comes forward at most of their concerts. Probably half of those are rededicating their lives to Christ, or surrendering something to God, the other half are turning their lives and hearts over to Jesus for the first time.

Many, if not most of our adults are involved, one way or another.

Those who don't feel they "fit" with the type of music that is going to be at this festival are feeling called to pray for the event. They have a prayer tent set up. There are areas to pray one on one with someone, for people to pray over the country of Haiti, and for prayer counselors to talk through and explain the decision that someone makes to come to Christ.

I am so excited to see what God is going to do here. This is our little youth group of no more than 30 kids. They, along with their parents and other adults have raised multiple of thousands of dollars to even be able to host the event. We are praying that we will more than break even so we can donate money to Haiti...

.. but at the same time, one of the biggest things our senior pastor is praying is this.... So, what if we don't break even? What if our church ends up in debt because of stepping out in faith and supporting our kids? Is it worth it?

Is the possible debt, along with all the stress and hard work everyone has put in really worth it? How do you measure that worth?

What if 100 people come to Christ?
What about 50?
What about 25?

Or even 5?

Is any subsequent debt or exhaustion, or depleted resources worth the destiny of even ONE eternal soul.

I know how I would answer that.

If it cost me $20,000 or more for one lost person - who was destined for hell - to get turned around and have a personal relationship with Christ, to know they have eternal security, to know that they are Christ's forever.... and who knows what they will do in their life time.....

IT. IS. WORTH. EVERY. PENNY.

That's it.
The end.
No question.

I know that is the answer our senior pastor has come down to as well.

Please pray for us. There are supposed to be some storms re-developing this evening. I know the enemy would love to do anything and everything to stop Seventh Day Slumber from going on tonight and giving an alter call.
Pray for those who are there, no matter who they encounter, may they hear about Christ. Pray that people in the neighborhood around the park would hear the music and come on in... to find out what is going on, even if its only because they want to make a donation to Haiti..... but that they would find Christ.
Pray for protection and peace for our kids and adults helping. Pray that the members and attenders of our church who are not there for one reason or another would be praying and covering us in prayer.

Please - we need your prayer. The people coming need your prayers.

May God bless you!
Thank you for praying!

thank you for giving me a platform from which to share this.

If I get the chance tonight when I get home, I will try to update with a short note here to let you know how tonight went. I will be back up there again tomorrow, though not as late to help in any way I can.

Thank you all!
Love you, and I will talk to you all soon!

On the road.... walking with Jesus
Heather

Embracing your greatest challenge...

I found a post from Lisa Whittle on her recent trip to El Salvador with Compassion International. At the end of it she had this exhortation.

"Don’t be afraid of your challenge in life, whatever it is. Look it in the face and defy it. Embrace it. Own it. Live it, and let it move you to a new place of personal and spiritual discovery. Love it or hate it, you can either challenge it or it will challenge you. Challenge it, and you will win…no matter what the outcome. Because in the process, you will see with eyes of purpose and feel with new waves of passion.

You can wait, sit and wish. You can wonder what it feels like to regain a spiritual pulse. You can watch while someone else comes to a place of understanding that could be yours, if only you were willing to stop being afraid of what you don’t know.

I can’t tell you what to do, and I know you don’t want me to. All I can say is that it is my strongest belief that you find yourself in the midst of your greatest challenge."

My greatest challenge lately has been seeing how depression has been coming back in waves. There are days that it is great, and I feel free. There are other days when I feel like I can't breathe.

There are days when I can release things immediately to God and rest in His presence. There are other days when I find anger and frustration (even with very little things) overtaking me.

This post of Lisa's really challenged me to, yet again, face up my depression toe to toe and not let it make me back down from doing what God wants me to... as a wife, as a mom, in my job, in my walk with Him.

In many ways I have been afraid of the challenges in my life. I have looked at them as something to put my head down and just try to get through. I still find myself fearing things at times.

Depression I have seen as my enemy, robbing me of the joy and peace that could be mine.

Yet, Lisa says that we should embrace our challenge, own it, and live it.

It's hard for me to think about embracing depression - much less to own it and live it? What's that?

I guess I have been doing that to a certain extent already. I have been living it, and it has pushed me from one place to another - a greater sense of living, maturing me, etc. Working through my depression has been a way of growing me into greater personal and spiritual discovery.

I just wish, so many times, that the depression would lift - that I would be able to enjoy life with my kids without so much of a cloud hanging over my head - that I would be able to enjoy my family without so much frustration and yes, even anger at times, hounding me.

I get tired of struggling. I get tired of having to constantly check my thoughts. I know I need to, or I will succumb to the pressure of the lies, and sink even deeper. But can't I get a rest? Can't I get a break?

The last couple of days, since maybe Thursday of this past week, have been a break for me for the most part, and I can praise God for that!

I had a good time away, borrowing a friend's house while she and her husband were gone to have a retreat day. I got just over 5 hours away. Less than I had planned, but more than I have gotten in a long time. I got to spend the rest of the weekend with family at the farm and had a long break from the kids, as they were spending time with cousins that they don't get to see too often.

Those are blessings God has given me. And I have had a break from the depressive thoughts.

I really don't like having to be reminded again and again that I need to persevere, and that I need to keep taking captive my thoughts. I know I need to, but it doesn't make it easier to do it. Especially when I am tired.

Today though, I am going to purpose to look at the positive. I am going to hang onto the truth that I am a beloved child of God, and the apple of His eye. Today I am going to walk out into the cool, bright, sunny day and enjoy it for the gift it is from God.

Another day, another choice to make.

I know this journey through depression has matured me, caused me to find new spiritual discoveries about myself. I guess I have been embracing it, facing it, challenging it, fighting it.... and yes, even owning it.

I still find it really hard to accept that this is going to be with me - probably as long as I am alive on this earth. I may never understand it, but I have to accept it, that this is a tendency of mine - towards depression as a side of weakness to the strengths and gifts God has given me.

My heart is full of the blessings God has given me. And though I may find myself leaning towards fearing what tomorrow may bring, I choose to live in the light of the grace of God today, and to rejoice in His gifts and to soak in His love for me.

May you be able to do that as well.

Help me love You

Help me love You
all my days,
And praise You forever
for all the ways

You've been faithful to me
No matter what I do.
You've loved me even
When I haven't been true.

I feel bruised and broken
And all I want to do is cry.
You don't want me to just live
Yet deep inside really die.

You want me to make the choice
To cling only to You,
There to find the joy and rest
In Your arms so true.

Oh Lord! Help me to believe
deep in my heart
That nothing will ever tear
the two of us apart.

Oh my Father, help me to start
to make the right choices
and to stop listening
to all the wrong voices

That tell me that if I walk away
I can always come back again,
And expect that our relationship
will always be what it's always been.

You have rescued me from the dominion of darkness
and brought me into Your Kingdom
In you all things hold together,
including me, no matter what I run from.

Oh Jesus, hold me together!
I feel as if I'm breaking
Into millions of pieces!
I just can't keep on faking.

In the lonely dark
All I want is to turn to you.
When I turn the other way
I hate what I do.

Change my heart, my mind, my life.
Comfort, hold, fill, and heal me.
Only living in you, Jesus,
Will really keep me free.

(c) Copyright 2010 Heather Kudla. All rights reserved.

Beauty - worship

I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see there.

I mean, really look in the mirror. Not to fix my hair or clothes, but to look at my face, in my eyes and be able to appreciate my outward, physical appearance.

I don't mean this to be vain.

Like I said in my previous post, God loves me, I am His beloved. He didn't create just the inside of me. He created all of me. Inside and out. He knew what nose I would have, that my hair would turn gray early, everything about me - physically.

I guess this difficulty in appreciating my physical appearance has become more pronounced the more I have healed in how I look at myself over all. I mean, I really didn't like myself at all for so long, that it was a huge turn around to really love myself inwardly.

Now that I am loving myself there, how God created me to love and empathize with others... everything, I am seeing the double standard I have been holding myself to.

Liking one part of myself as I see it integrate with all I am doing, and hating the other part of me for how it looks and won't fit into what I want it to, or won't do what I want it to physically.

Some days are better than others. And by better, I mean that some days I am able to ignore the physical beauty or lack there of (perceived by my flawed eyes and standards, I know). Other days, I feel like it is totally staring me in the face and at the forefront of my mind all the time.

Something that I am starting - trying to do consistently - is something that Cindy challenged me to.

Every time I get in the car, and either I am alone, or the kids are quiet in the car, I spend the time worshiping and praising God. Literally. The whole time in the car. Not asking for anything. Not coming with a laundry list.

Worshiping Him.
Praising Him.

Try it for one day. I dare you!

Cindy reminded me that I would have nothing to pour out to anyone else unless I was filled. I also wouldn't have the right focus about my day, my self, my life and my looks, unless I was filled by Jesus. When I worship Him, I focus on Him, connect myself in relationship with Him, and end up getting encompassed by His love.

It's amazing the changes in my heart and mind as I have tried it the past couple of days.

I am not "there" yet, but I can sense a difference, not necessarily in how I view my beauty, but in how I am reacting to the lies I have been believing. Slowly the truth has been sinking in, and in the process, God has been giving me new things to explore and discover in the word.

More on that later.

I do challenge you to try to spend your quiet times, not just praying and requesting things, but to really spend it in praise and worship of God - who He is, what He's done, what He's doing - anything and everything. I can see that is is transforming and life changing... already, after a couple of days.

teaching in the midst of distress

It's hard to write when your heart is heavy.

The ups and downs I have been through make it difficult for me to keep my head on straight and keep my gaze focused on Jesus, much less my husband, kids, job, or writing.

Last week was really hard, but late in the week, I felt like my head started to stay out of the water a bit longer at a time. I finally felt like I could breathe again.

I could finally take a deep breath and feel the sun on my face again. What a blessing!

God continually lifts me out of the pit, and he continually renews me, day by day. He lifts me out, refocuses my eyes and mind on Him. He sets my feet upon the rock of my salvation.

God also continues to teach me in the midst of my distress.

I have been struggling with a lot of self image issues lately. I know everyone struggles with them. Maybe I need to go revisit the book "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I had a lot of help from that, and probably need the review.

However, it has gotten pretty severe lately.

Over and over God has pushed to the forefront several different verses, and also kept speaking to me on this.... from before I got hit with this latest round of depression, through it, and now bringing it back to mind..... again and again.

I have a feeling it is something I am not going to be able to escape.

How about this verse to try on for size?

"Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
Forget your people and your father's house.
The king is enthralled by your beauty;
Honor him, for he is your lord."
Psalm 45:10-11

That came to me at the end of April. For the past what, two weeks or so maybe, I have been struggling with them. These verses.... God gave me the image that He is the King who is enthralled with my beauty.
My beauty.

I mean, I can spiritualize that and say that He is just seeing me through the blood of Christ, redeemed and spiritually beautiful. But I don't think that is the point that God is trying to make to me.

Our Pastor's wife shared with us this weekend. One thing she shared, that really spoke right into where I am at, at the moment, was talking about where beauty comes from. It doesn't come from our outward adornment, and in 1 Timothy, Paul says that women should dress modestly with decency and propriety.

Vicki looked up old testament women who were described as beautiful, like Sarah, Rebecca, etc, and found the root word they were translated from.

She found the same root word used in other places. Places like creation when God created Adam and Eve, and then called them good. "Good" in this case, as He talked about His creation, was the same root word.

"tobe" meaning among many other things:

pleasing to look at
favored
blessed
prosperous
happy
cheerful
kind
gracious
proper
fitting
useful
(from Strongs H2896)

Those were all words that embody both "beautiful" and "good."

God sees me as all these things when He calls me beautiful and good.

"The king is enthralled by your beauty;
Honor him, for he is your lord."
Psalm 45:11

How can I deny what He says in His Word? He plainly states he is enthralled with me. I am His beloved. I can rest secure in that.

"Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders." Deut. 33:12

I can rest secure in Him. He shields me. I rest between His shoulders. He carries me, covers me, protects me. And loves me. And is enthralled by me. By my beauty.

Now if only I can like and appreciate and love His beloved like He does, I might be on the right track.

From a devotional...

I got emailed this devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries today. It prompted me to write the following thoughts in my journal.

• **How many times have I given reasons that I cannot be built into God's image?
• **How many times have I totally trashed and torn down part of God's creation (myself)?
• **How many times have I denied access to God - denied Him access to my life and heart?

Yet -

• **In His Word, He speaks the truth to me - ready to meet all my arguments with His Truth.
• **He is ready to always rebuild what I have torn down into something even better.
• **He is holding me - even when I push His love away - and waits. All the time showing me His love, over and over, in His Word, Creation and the Body of Christ.

...till I finally listen and hear
and slow down
and soak in His truth...

In soaking - maybe I will finally allow some more of that truth to really get into the marrow of my bones.

300,000 "ones"

This weekend was the Live Simulcast by Beth Moore, talking about the topic of Insecurity.

She wrote a book called "So, Long Insecurity," and I read it prior to attending the Simulcast. I was wondering how much of the material would be directly from the book. True to how Beth Moore is, she allowed God to craft her message, and though it contained material from the book, it was fueled by her own journey to security.

One of the things that I really didn't realize was just how many women were tuning in through the satellite host sites.

Normal simulcasts through the Living Proof Live events average around 90,000 women (and a handful of men) :)

This simulcast represented 300,000 or more women, and again, some men.

300,000 women turned out for a talk about insecurity.

To learn how to be secure women in Christ.

300, 000!!!

God didn't see a nameless, identity-less mass of people. He saw individual women, each with their own hurts, desires, brokenness, joys, fears, excitement, anticipation, and hunger for more of Him.

And He spoke a word to each of us. Specifically meant for me. Specifically meant for you.

We were 300,000 "ones."

Beth said (paraphrasing here cause I didn't write it down) at one point that in her book, she said that we couldn't change our culture, but we could change ourselves. We can become women who are secure in Christ and influence our spheres of influence.

When she was in the actual simulcast, she was overwhelmed by the numbers, and essentially said that we had to imagine 300,000 women all over the U.S. and Canada in our churches. If each "one" of us makes the decision to change our thinking, our actions, and allow God to change our hearts and work on us, in our areas of insecurity, we will influence our churches.

Think about what 300,000 women can do spread all over this land!

What can we do and 300,000 "ones?"
Our Christian culture can change.
Really change.

We will stand out as exceptions.

We will stand out as the example of what it means to be secure.
No longer fear driven.
No longer reacting to situations and conversations.
No longer perceiving threats from other women.

Others say, "Everyone there did .......... except, well, her."
Or they say, "No one ................... oh, except her."

We can become the exception to the rule.
Other women will notice.

If I am bathed with Christ, if His light shines in this jar of clay, others will notice. If I am willing to follow Christ everywhere, even in areas I am uncomfortable, yet let Christ cloth me with His strength and dignity that no one can take away, that will be so different from the rest of the world, others will want what I have.

And I want to be that way.

I have found myself walking around since the simulcast, and really since I finished her book, with the phrases ringing in my head,

"I am clothed with strength and dignity. No one and no thing can take that away from me. God gave it to me. It is mine."

What if all of us who participated in the simulcast actually adopted those thought patterns? What if we started to speak the truth to ourselves? What if we started with the truth in our minds, and acted out the truth with our feet, until it really did grow in our hearts?

What would I look like?

What would you look like?

What would our churches look like?

Wouldn't it be amazing to see the generations around us starting to really let go of what the culture says will make us secure?! Oh to see my daughter learn to overcome insecurity! I know she will be confronted by it. But I also know that God can use me, and other secure women in her life to show her how to navigate through these waters until she is able to adopt and apply the phrase,

"I am clothed with strength and dignity."

Beth asked us if others are worth what it takes to walk in security in Christ.

I can answer that with a resounding yes!

My daughter is worth it, my son is worth it. My family is worth it. My friends, my church are worth it.

More than that....

I am realizing the motivation isn't others alone. The motivation for me to pursue security and drop off this old me, is the new me that I am putting on. I am worth it because God created me and loves me, and it is what He desires for me.

Others are worth the effort it takes to walk in security in Christ.

So am I.

a phone call and visit

On Saturday, while I was away from the house, I got a phone call from my mom.

When I listened to her message, though she revealed nothing, other than to call her back, I immediately sensed there was something wrong.

I braced myself for bad news about my grandmother, who's been sick for a while now, and called her back.

In my heart I have known that she doesn't have long left in this world. She is 95. She has had a good life, a long one, and I know she is ready to die. She wants to.

My mom told me that when they were going to do a minor procedure for her, they found a tumor in her abdomen, near her esophagus, preventing her from swallowing much of anything.

The reason Mom called me when she did is because she found out from my uncle, Steve (her brother) that the tumor was malignant. The doctor said that she had 3 weeks with IV fluids, one week without.

Steve is working out the details with facilities and coordinators and doing all the research to get her into a hospice facility. She is still in the hospital right now.

I went to Madison to see her yesterday. I met Mom there. I got to see Steve and Connie, as they were leaving and I was walking into the building.

Did I mention that I hate hospitals?
And I married a nurse.
Sigh.

Anyway.

I got to her room and Mom was already there with her. I got to spend some time with the two of them.... probably just shy of 2 hours.

I would say that I had a chance to talk with her, but I didn't really. She did most of the talking and steered the conversation. Mom and I were along for the ride.

It was really hard seeing her in the hospital, because this time, more than any other time recently, I could see that she was different from my Gram that I remember and love. She was more relaxed and comfortable than I have seen her in a while, so that was good. But her personality seemed different to me some.

I don't know how to describe it. I can't put it into words.

My heart is that I want to see her come to Jesus. I want to know that she is a believer, if that is the case. I may never know that, but I got the sense that she isn't and it just breaks my heart. I want to see her in heaven again. I want her to spend eternity with Jesus, in heaven.

My heart is breaking now because, though she isn't clinging to this life, and she says that she wants to go on to something "new" or "different," as she put it, there was an emptiness in those words.

I don't think my family would agree with me, because she was so involved with church all her life. One way or another she was a church choir director, or she did something with church as long as Mom could remember, during her growing up years.

I think my family would be upset if they knew that I am not sure that Gram has Jesus living in her heart, or that I had doubts about whether she will be going to heaven when she dies.

I am taking a risk of their reading this, and getting upset with me, just by posting it, but at the same time....

...well, this blog has been a safe place to pour out my heart before. I am going to risk it again here, and pray that God will bring understanding and unity in Him in all my family.

I am afraid that if they read this, I will sound very judgmental and fundamental to my family.

I love them so very much. I am not judging them, or Gram. I just want them to know, really know, where they are going to be when they die.

Maybe I am fundamental.... in that I believe that God gives everyone a will, and the chance to choose whether they want life with God or life without Him. I believe that God loves everyone of us and wants us all to be with Him, otherwise He wouldn't have sent Jesus to die on the cross to make the way open for us to be with Him.

All we have to do is accept, receive, the sacrifice Jesus made, seek forgiveness from Him for the wrongs we have done.... and commit our hearts and lives to Him. It doesn't matter how long or short we have to live.

If my family has done that, oh I want to praise God with them for that!
If they haven't, how I pray that they would!

If Gram hasn't done that, made a choice for God in her 95 years, I want her to have that choice clearly presented to her in these last weeks she has on this earth, in this body.

Maybe she will ask Jesus to forgive her, and accept Him into her heart.
Maybe she already has.
Maybe it will be through someone else who has spoken to her.
Maybe someone already has.
Maybe it will be me.
Maybe it will be someone else ministering to her these last days.

I don't know.
God does.

I just hate the thought that she is holding out a hope of something new or different, when she could be holding onto Jesus, knowing He is holding her, with His peace and assurance inside of her.

I am praying that anything I sensed yesterday wasn't true, and that she truly has a living faith in Christ.

Please pray for me. Pray for my family. Pray for Gram (Jean). Pray that I have the opportunity to talk to her, or pray with her (or both) before she dies.

Thank you so much,

Christ in the overwhelming...

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow. Moving day.

Not for me, but for a friend of mine. She is moving from her parents house, just outside of Milwaukee, to ours. She is going to rent a room downstairs, just off our laundry room. Privacy, and a chance to get established here in the area. A safe place to get on her feet, independent. A chance to grow up.

She is scared, emotionally overwhelmed and spent.

She called me today, in the midst of packing up everything.

She will be leaving behind most of her furniture, as our former office is furnished.

She will be leaving behind her friends and parents (though her parents come up to the area frequently because she has relatives in the area).

She will be gaining the chance to stand on her own, strengthen her walk with Christ, and a supportive church family who is willing to do anything to help her make her way.... new friends... a new job... a new chapter in her life.

We will be gaining a sister in Christ, just learning to make her way. Not only in living on her own and supporting herself.... but also making her way closer to Jesus again.

Please pray for all of us. Pray for us as we embrace her and bring her into our home, our family, our lives, our hearts (though she's already been in our hearts for a long time!)

My hope is that this transition for her will go smoothly, that she will see sure signs from God that this is the right choice to move out and into the new chapter.

I am thankful that the forecast is for good sunny weather tomorrow. We are using 2 pickup trucks to help her move. One has a topper, but the other doesn't.

I find myself struggling with fighting off a cold today. Angela is too.

Please pray with us for a safe trip, for our health, and for the strength and energy to do the whole move.

All I want to do is take a nap, but I find that I am laying expectations on myself. Expectations that no one else is laying on me. That my house (upstairs, not where she is moving into) should be clean and spotless, that I should have everything neat and orderly up there. There is so much cleaning to do, and only a few hours after work to do it in tonight. I have to get to bed early as I will be driving for 6+ hours tomorrow. Just over 3 down, and the same back.

I am more than willing to take the time out and help her. I am glad to do it.

I find myself getting overwhelmed because I am trying to do it in my own strength today. I know I shouldn't be. I don't have to have it all together before I take someone into my home. If I did, I would never take someone in. Because I can never have it all together.

I am so thankful that God's strength is shown perfect in my weakness. My weaknesses are many. But His grace and mercy cover all of them. He loves with a perfect, unfailing love, when my love is weak or half-hearted at best. His hope is an eternal one, when my hope falters in the middle of a circumstance. His joy reigns supreme when my joy strength reaches it's end and I feel I can't go further.

God is so much bigger than we could ever comprehend.... yet He chooses to live with these frail jars of clay that we are, so that through our cracks and imperfections His glorious light can shine for all the world to see.

So, though I feel overwhelmed, imperfect and unable.... in Christ's strength all things are possible.... and His Light is shining in me... through me.

Nothing special...

Today was "nothing special" look at it from the front side... looking at it from my point of view as I got up this morning.

Today was one of those days.

You know the ones I am talking about.

I woke up late, with a horrible headache, and my stomach off kilter.

I got to work and sat looking at my desk and list of things to be done and realized that most of what I needed was still at home.

I just was "off" and didn't know how to fix it.

I felt like I was just a body warming a chair at work today. What was the point in me being there when I couldn't get done all I wanted to?

Then this afternoon happened.

First my best friend, Gwen, was online and showed up in my chat status. So, I dropped her a line in the chat, to see if she was really there and had time. She did. Though it was a short conversation, I knew God had authored it, because she shared some things that needed prayer, and it was good for us both, I hope!

Then right at the end of our conversations, my home group leader, Pete came by the office. I was very happy to see him, but I assumed he was there to talk with Pastor Kim. So I just indicated that he was free, if Pete wanted to go in.

Instead, Pete came into my office first. I thought he was just going to stand and chat a moment about our small group and what we were going to be doing, and the menu for Thursday.

When he sat down in my extra chair, I realized that he really wanted to talk. With me. I felt surprised, then this peace and joy flowed through me that he was taking the time to stop. Pete was taking a pause in his day for me.

We talked about a wide range of things, some important stuff, a few light things. I was able to share prayer requests. He asked how I was doing with my job at the church, as well as just personally. He took time and listened, and shared some of his heart too. We talked about things concerning our small group, concerning him and his wife, Donna.

Some of the things gave me something to chew over and ponder for a while now.

When our conversation reached a natural conclusion, Pete suggested that we pray together. He prayed first, then I did - and my heart came pouring out, in prayer for him and Donna, for our small group... and other more personal things. Unexpected but good.

What struck me as we talked and prayed, and made even more of an impression afterward, was that Pete asked for my opinion and insight into some things.

That may seem average and ordinary to some.

To me, it was huge. To be thought of as whole and healthy enough to be able to give an opinion or advice was so impacting to me today, especially coming from someone I love and respect so much.

There have been times where I have sensed something, and never said anything to anyone about it, or done anything about it, and the moment has passed. I haven't trusted myself enough to feel like I had the right to say something, because well, what if I was totally wrong?

Slowly in the last year or so, I have opened up to one person, my friend Cindy, a couple of times when I felt that God was prompting me to - because she was safe.

However in the past month or so, I have dared to open up to a few more people about an insight I had, or about something I sensed, that ended up being right on. A couple of them were pretty noticeable to me. I also know that it was only God who could have shown me these things.

There were two things that I felt I noticed. One, I spoke about it to the person involved. The other I didn't because I was unsure how to communicate it, verbally or written. The spoken one, I don't know what kind of affect on the person it had, or if healing will take place because of it. The unspoken, I am concerned now, knowing other things, that my not speaking (or writing) when prompted allowed a situation to continue, and possibly worsen, due to lack of knowledge.

In the conversation with Pete though, I felt that God was touching my heart in a much needed way. I didn't know I needed it until it happened. It was a tangible way God showed me that I am on the right path.

On the right path.
Tentative steps.
Trembling lips.
Full heart.

On the right path, with a heart bursting with the desire to do and say the right thing, and to not overstep what God wants me to do, or to get ahead of Him.

Scared to death sometimes to say what needs to be said.

But I am willing.

Oh, to see the road He has taken me on, and now to see that He has had this road in mind all along! Because only through the pain I have been in, am I able to recognize it in others. Only through the experiences I have been through am I able to see the traps and recognize similar circumstances unfolding in other lives around me.

Only through prayer and seeking God's wisdom and discernment have I had the opportunity at times (and the permission) to speak into someone's life.

Truly, I have been, and still am, on the road, walking with Jesus.

Today, God knew what I needed though I couldn't put it into words.

When Pete took the time to come into my office and sit down, God used it to touch a place deep inside of me. Pete invested in me today, and I hope I was able to give back some. The affirmation, encouragement and prayers I got today, from someone I love and respect, means more to me than I can put into words.

It was the love, acceptance, and encouragement of a father to a daughter that I don't get very often, at least in spoken words.

It was the unspoken but implied acknowledgment of growing up and being peers, a change in relationship, and almost a rite of passage for me.

God used a simple conversation to show me I am growing up, to show me that He loves me and has worked in me, even when I didn't feel like He was.

He used it to build and expand my capacity for joy, and to help me through the transition to the next level of maturity.

Thank you Jesus for your faithfulness to me! Thank you for using the people in my life to touch me and work in me in the very ways I need. Oh, may I be such an instrument in the lives of those around me!

No, today was "nothing special." It was just a day that God met me, matured me, impacted my life, and gave me a deep joy, in the ways only He can.

prayer for my family

My family is going through a rough time right now.

Not my immediate family - Dave and the kids and I - but my spiritually adopted family.

Our "small group" or "home group" as our church calls them, is finding itself under a lot of strain from many different areas.

We are not a typical "bible study" with a topic of study each week, though we have tried that. We can read a book and discuss it, sometimes. But that isn't our focus. Our focus is on relationship. With God, and with one another. The formality of a bible study isn't always a good fit for us.

The times when we really shine, are the times when we "do" life together. We help each other out with things, fixing computers or cars, bringing meals to one another, celebrating birthdays together, having "dinner and a movie" nights at someone's house.

Sometimes my kids are there, often Dave isn't because of his work schedule, but for the most part, the core of us has been together for a long time - maybe 5 years.

They have walked with me through depression, suicidal thoughts, emotional immaturity - and watched as I have learned and grown. We have walked together through someone's scare of prostate cancer. We have stood by as several have struggled deeply with relationships, friendships, and authority figures. We have come alongside those who have lost jobs. We have shared the burden of helping a dear friend struggle with colon cancer. We are starting the walk with that same friend as she struggles with her husband's diagnosis/surgery/treatment of colon cancer.

We have had many stresses on our group. We have had different people become part of the group for a while, and go away for a while, sometimes come back, sometimes not. Right now, one core couple, who used to be able to be another physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy couple to come alongside the couple leading us - well they are the ones struggling with the serious cancer diagnosis now.

Our leader and his wife are tired. They need to be filled and encouraged, and feel they are pouring out, but not receiving it in.

How can I help them? I so want to, but don't know that I am in the position to.

Our group has suddenly grown very needy and lopsided with this one couple being so wrapped up in what is going on with them. The wife still comes, but he is pretty much needing to stay at home right now, to get his strength back before chemo.

That leaves our leader as the only male in a sea of estrogen! A guy (from what I have heard) can only take so much of that for so long! :)

Please pray for us. As a family, we don't want to be "split up" or broken apart by these difficult times we are in. I know that if God wants us to stay together, we will come out on the other side of this so much stronger.

But if God wants us to stop meeting as a small group, then we are going to need to be prepared to do that. I know I am not prepared for that, for sure. We love each other and if God wants us to disband our small group and do something else, though we will make time for one another, it is still going to be different than what we have now.

I don't know what is going to happen.

But I fear there is going to be hurt involved, no matter what is down the road here, in the near future. We are going to be broken, no matter what happens. But God is in the business of healing all things broken.

We need to be clear on how God is directing us. We need clear communication. We need Spirit-led conversations and understanding and unity that only comes from God. Only with that clear communication, understanding, unity and love are we going to be able to minister to one another the way God intends us to.

We need protection from all attempts of the enemy to build on the struggles we are facing. He would love nothing better than to use the crisis of one couple in our group to implode the group as a whole, causing damage and wounds in every direction.

Please pray that each of us individually would be able to stand firm against the enemy's schemes. He is trying very hard to pull any of us down individually.

Please pray that as a family we will be able to unite and come against the attacks of the enemy.

Please pray that as individuals and together we will be able to meet the needs of those in our group who have them, but also to be able to take care of ourselves enough, and express when we have a need as well.

Please pray for me.

Pray that I am very clear on what my position is/should be, how I can help, and what my limitations are. If I am not aware of, or ignore, my personal boundaries, I will find myself exposed, over extended and exhausted.

I am so glad that God's love endures forever. I am so thankful that He never leaves us or forsakes us. I am so grateful that we are sealed by the Holy Spirit in Him, and that we are united in the Spirit.

I am praying that our small group can be an example of that love, the ever presence of God, the security of being in Him, and unity of the Body, the way God designed it.

I am praying most for this dear couple who have been married for only 47 years and are begging God for a miracle of more time together!

My heart is burdened by all needs in our family. I want to meet them all, and I know I can't. I keep praying, but I hardly know what to pray because it is all so overwhelming.

Please join me in prayer. I know that when we don't have the words, or knowledge of even what to pray, the Spirit does, and guides our prayers, and prays for us.

What gifts God has given us! May His strength be shown perfect in our weaknesses!

Psalm 103, God at work.

I started my last post with the beginning of Psalm 103... Let me continue the verses here.... because the previous verses kind of left us hanging in the middle of a sentence.

Praise the Lord, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits -
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

There are so many things that are going on in my life. It's much more than being busy... though I am that, plus some.

God is speaking into my heart and life in various ways. One way is through the Daniel bible study by Beth Moore.

Another way is by reading through her book, "So Long, Insecurity."

He has been prompting my mind to reflect and think on some of the healing that He's taken me through. I haven't done a lot of journaling about it, and there are so many things rolling through my head, I have hesitated in writing here, because of how likely I am to get off on a tangent.

I will try to catch those in my proofing so that each tangent becomes it's own post! :)

I also have had a hard time writing when my emotions have taken over and I have been so down lately. It has taken too much effort to write. Then when my emotions shut down, there was no motivation to write, because I couldn't share my heart. I couldn't even access it.

Today, as I looked at my memory verses (which are Psalm 103:1-2) I continued reading down the next 3 verses. They really can't go without mentioning.

The beginning of the psalm is a call to praise God... to remember His benefits. Looking up "benefits" in the Strong's Concordance, this is the first definition

H1576
gemûl
(ghem-ool')
From H1580; treatment, that is, an act (of good or ill); by implication service or requital: - + as hast served, benefit, desert, deserving, that which he hath given, recompense, reward.

This helped me a bit to understand the word benefit... that it is something that we have been given or rewarded with. But the root word that it is from (H1580) sheds even more light on it.

H1580
gâmal
(gaw-mal')
A primitive root; to treat a person (well or ill), that is, benefit or requite; by implication (of toil) to ripen, that is, (specifically) to wean: - bestow on, deal bountifully, do (good), recompense, requite, reward, ripen, + serve, wean, yield.

That made even more sense to me. God has bestowed something on us. He has dealt with us bountifully, and has done good to us, He has treated us richly.

It's not something I have deserved, but He has benefited me greatly. Because He loves me, He has lavished that love on me, shown me that love in so many ways.

It does my heart good to think on those things. To meditate on those ways he has dealt so bountifully with me.

Read verses 3-5 over again. Go ahead, scroll back up. I'll wait...

...

There, you back? :)

Look at these short lists, taken right from Psalm 103:3-5. Let them sink into your heart and soul and mind the way they are starting to in mine.

Forgive.
Heal.
Redeem.
Crown.
Satisfy.
Renew.

He forgives all sins.
He heals all diseases (anything that makes you sick, body, mind, heart, soul)
He redeems lives.
He crowns with love and compassion.
He satisfies desires.
He renews youth.

He forgives all your sins.
He heals all your diseases.
He redeems your life.
He crowns you with love and compassion.
He satisfies your desires.
He renews your youth.

God does all this for you. He does all this for me.

I think the enemy was working overtime in my life the past month or so, to hit all my triggers for depression. All my triggers got hit... depression and fear of going down under it again, fears of rejection, fears of failure, worldly guilt from the past, including condemning thoughts that were dredged back up.

All my hang ups came back to the surface. Right now things are getting better. My perspective is being changed, by God, and now I am slowly joining in the effort. I am starting to be able to think clearly enough to refocus my thoughts when they get "off."

God is working in me. I can hear His voice more clearly. I can see His face again. I can feel myself sitting in His lap again.

It has taken me being mindful of what He is doing in my life, and seeing His faithfulness in the past.

I am being "forced" to look at things that are triggering my insecurities and fears.

I think the enemy was using my past struggles and fears, and current ones too, as well as the world and my flesh kicking in, to stop me from what God would have me do.

I think God wants me to examine myself, my life right now, in light of His Truth. Jesus wants me to see myself as I am seen by God through His blood.

I know the truth of who I am in Him. I know that I am holy and clean and consecrated in His sight. My perception of who I am is off, just a little bit and not as bad as it used to be. But it completely affects how I act, what I say, and how I feel about myself.

I feel like God is working on me and in me to have His truth more deeply invade my life, thoughts, beliefs, and ingrained patterns. Then my thoughts and feelings (which I was really drowning in, if you couldn't tell, which is why I disconnected I think) will start to line up with the Truth. I will start to operate out of His Truth, because His Truth will become a deeply set part of my life.

It's not that I don't believe the truth, but now it has to come to a new place. A deeper level.

So that my trust in God and love of Jesus will be deeper and fuller than they are now. So that I more closely follow the promptings of the Spirit.

I want Him to be my all in all.
I want to be able to refocus my thoughts and remember all His benefits when my heart wanders and I feel lost and alone.

Because I am not lost and alone.

I am His and He is mine.

So are you.

disconnect

"Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise His holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul. and forget not all His benefits." Psalm 103:1-2

I needed this reminder this morning.

I need this reminder every morning.

I have found myself dealing with a lot of disconnect.

This past week it has felt like I have disconnected from friends. I haven't called people as much, I haven't done much emailing. I haven't done any writing. I didn't even get in contact with my best friend.

I had one of my other best friends come to my house for an overnight. It's the first time we have seen each other in.... well, way too long, if I can't remember when!

But just before she came, I got a terrific (horrific) head cold. I was so out of it this weekend. I felt terrible, not just because of my cold, but because it was so hard for me to concentrate on my friend.

It was wonderful to see her. It was so good to talk and be able to share what has been going on in our lives. Things have changed so much with us since we were roommates in college. But God has still kept us close.

I just feel like the whole weekend was foggy. I even skipped out on church on Sunday, because I was feeling so bad. I never do that. I usually push myself through - but I decided that when I got up, showered and dressed and was ready to go back to bed, that I had better call it quits - especially since I still had my son to get ready too.

Peter was off of school all last week, cause he was sick. Marina was sick too (still is) and now Dave and I are as well. I feel like I was running in a million directions last week, and had no time to connect with God either.

I feel disconnected.

I feel like I have pulled the plug and done an automatic disconnect on my own.

I know part of that is feelings. I know that part of that is just the everyday stress of sick kids, being sick myself, and a ton going on right now.

But I really dislike that. I don't like the feeling of just "floating" around disconnected from people, and from God, and feeling ungrounded.

Thus the scripture verses above. They are going to by my scripture memory verses for the next 2 weeks.

They are David's words. They seem to be an intentional reminder to his (and my) inmost being to praise the Lord, to remember Him, to remember all He has done for him (and me).

I need to intentionally remember what God has done. His benefits, His blessings, His healing, His love.

I am so thankful that no matter what I do or what I don't do, God's love for me never, ever fails.

Last night, as I was sitting on the couch, snuggling with the kids, I kept asking my daughter questions, or asking her to do something (like stop kicking me continuously under the blanket) and she refused to talk to me. I asked her something and she purposely ignored me. I got so frustrated with her. She was still doing it even as I was tucking her into bed.

I wonder how many times God is hurt and disappointed that I don't respond to Him when He talks to me. I am so thankful that he doesn't react to me the way I did with Marina. I am so thankful that He still loves me and that it never wavers.

I still love Marina, but I wonder if she realizes that? You know what I mean? I wasn't intentionally unkind to her, but had to discipline her for not listening.

I know how I perceive that from God (and from others, at times). Those times of discipline or pruning when I feel unloved. I know it is for my own good, and for His glory.

Right now, the things that I struggle with - the things that are day to day struggles, or pop up once a week or so, those are the things that are really pulling me down.

Those habitual sins, habitual lies, habitual coping mechanisms.

Those are what I find myself obsessing over. I mean, I am over analyzing them. Why am I doing this? Where is it coming from? What is the source?

What I really need to do is not worry quite so much about those questions but deal with the actual issues and emotions, and find my "go to" scriptures, my "stop me in my tracks" scripts that I can replace the lies, etc with. I need to be able to put into place in my mind, something besides my own will, which is weak, that will cause me to stop and realize what I am doing or where my thoughts are going.

Do you have "go to" scriptures, or as my friend says, a "stop, drop and roll" something that triggers you to meditate on the truth, no matter what your feelings are doing?

Would you share them with me? I would be so grateful for anything you are willing to share.

I need the connections with others, and I need the connection I have with God to be built up and strengthened, so that even in the crazy days, I will find myself leaning on Him, not doing an emotional disconnect from Him and everyone.

Sledding and fun and God's abundant blessings

Today was a wonderful break in the week. It was a wonderful time of rest and fun.

I went sledding with my family and a good friend, at her family's house. They live just outside the edge of town, and at the back of their property have a huge hill.

Note the Dave and the kids going down the huge hill. I believe this is relatively early on in the afternoon, but am unsure!


We got there, and immediately this kids were grabbing sleds and heading for the hill. They were so excited. We got many great pictures, and had many wipe outs and belly laughs.

This is Peter and my friend, Angela on one of the many wipe outs!


The first time my daughter went down the hill with me, I could feel her giggling all the way! This is her and daddy going down.


We had so much fun.

And I am going to be SO sore tomorrow!

Here are a few pictures from the day.


You can tell the kids had a blast, and so did we. I needed this fun today, especially after how this week went for me.

It was a hard one, and very up and down. I started it on such a positive note on Monday. I felt really good, and was ready to go. I don't exactly know what happened. However, it wasn't pretty!

By Wednesday, I was dealing with not only depression, but exhaustion. There has been so much that has happened within the last few weeks, that I just really haven't recouped very well.

I hadn't been sleeping well at night, and I hadn't been eating healthy, and by Wednesday I could hardly keep my eyes open at my desk. As a matter of fact, I truly don't remember much of the day. And it got worse and worse.

Finally I decided to throw in the towel and go home to try to rest before worship rehearsal later that night.

I called my friend, Cindy, and we chatted briefly before I left the church. I know she was very concerned about me, especially when I didn't even have the energy to really answer any questions she was throwing my way. Seriously.

As we were talking, it occurred to her that I didn't have the kids, and wasn't responsible for them, as it was Dave's "Daddy Day" with them. Her husband was gone for the night, so she said, "Why are we still talking on the phone, get over here!"

So, I did.

I swear to you, I hardly remember the drive there. When I got there, we settled down to watch a short video that she was finishing up, then talked a bit, but I felt really incoherent. She just let me do what I needed to, chill out and not have to talk to much. I was just so under the weather, that I really couldn't even feel anything, which is very strange for me!

She fixed me supper, and as we ate and talked and prayed together, I started to feel more marginally human.

By the time I had to leave to get to the church for worship team, I was a bit more like myself. She stood with me by the door, and as she gave me a hug, prayed over me.

I didn't even cry.
Me. Not. Cry.
Not even a tear.

That's unheard of! :)

Worship rehearsal went well that night, better than it had any right to. I do remember most of the details about the rehearsal. I remember being able to worship God, right in the middle of dealing with technical stuff too.

The power of praise cannot be over rated!

I got eight hours of sleep that night when I got home.

The power of a good night's sleep cannot be over rated, either!

Slowly this week, as I have been sleeping better, and sort of eating better, I have improved.

It was really scary looking back at the day Wednesday and realizing that I really didn't remember what had gone on during the day. It is like that day is wiped out. I mean, I know I was at church, that I did some work on the computer, that I answered the phone some, and talked to people. But honestly, the details are all gone. All I do remember is feeling physically, and mentally, and emotionally exhausted and awful.

I am working on clinging to the truth. God has placed me in Ephesians, Chapter 1 for a while... and I need to soak up that and Psalm 139 for a while. I need to re-establish my identity in Christ, and take a "refresher" course.

Please pray that I would be able to so be washed in the water of His word, that I will find all the dirty and lies washed away, and so that I will see the lies for what they are, because I know what the truth is. Knowing the lies, not because I studied them, but because I study the truth, and the lies can't hold a candle to that!

I am so grateful that today was so much better.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend time with my family and a good friend.

I am so grateful that tomorrow is another day, fresh with the prospect of joy and closeness with God. I lead worship at church this weekend, tomorrow, and am excited to see what God is going to do in me - and in our congregation.

I choose to trust that He is with me, even when I don't see it or feel it. He gave me Cindy on Wednesday to come alongside me and just minister healing and peace to me. He gave me the power of His praise that night to break through the numbness surrounding my heart. He gave me a wonderfully healing night's sleep to enable me to be more mentally strong the next day.

I know God can do all of that and more. So I choose to trust Him tonight, and tomorrow. May I always make that choice!

picked up pieces...

So, my cup was overturned, empty and scattered before the retreat. But God picked up the pieces and held me together.

I made it through the retreat. It was an amazing success, that had nothing to do with me or the team or the speaker, and absolutely everything to do with God.

Friends, Jesus showed up there! There were people prayed over. There were people who's eyes were opened, and hopefully healing that was started as well that weekend.

You know, looking back on it now, I can see that God started dealing with and healing brokenness in my life, too. I just didn't see it that way till just this second.

Friday night I had to fight off anxiety and depression. Through mis-communication, I got there late with all the sound equipment, etc. After finally getting set up, I had time to "throw together" the prayer room. Thankfully God provided a perfect place.

Just as I got it done our speaker got there.
As we had been communicating throughout the past couple of weeks, usually via email, she knew I was dealing with depression.

Once she was settled and came back up to the main level, she pulled me aside and asked how I was doing, and wouldn't take "fine" for an answer. :)

We settled into the night, and got through the ice breaker, worship set and speaking portion. After wards, we had had snacks and people sat and chatted (while I, the fire bug, lit a fire in the huge fireplace) pulled out games, and generally had a lot of fun.

When I went to bed, things were still going strong and I wanted to stay up, but knew I needed to sleep if I was going to be of any use the next day in facilitating things.

I forced myself to sleep, before the depression overcame me and I cried myself to sleep.

In the morning, I forced myself awake, and went out to the commons area. I bundled up, went out and stood on the deck in the still dark morning. It was beautiful and quiet and perfect, but my eyes weren't seeing it then. I couldn't see anything through the storm of tears I was trying to hold back. I grabbed wood for the fire, came back in, and started up the fire place again for the day.

I couldn't settle in and read, or pray or journal, so I finally got up and started to putter in the kitchen till it was time to start breakfast.

During breakfast I got to sit with our speaker. The whole table of us gals talked and shared, but eventually she and I got into a private conversation. Much was shared there, but her listening and sharing got me to the point of breaking down my guard. I finally shared how poorly I was doing that morning.

Folks, I didn't even want to lead worship that morning. I wanted to go back to bed. I tried to hide the depth of it, but I know she saw it. I also know she prayed for me, though not face to face right there.

I did manage to lead, and kept going through the morning - even singing special music - going to the prayer room to pick up requests and pray for them.

I broke down in the kitchen before lunch, when the others of our team were out and everyone was elsewhere.

Not just cried.
The dam burst.

The noise of the fans and stuff in the kitchen disguised the gut wrenching sobs, that threatened to bring me to my knees right there.

It really was God who pulled me back together.
I couldn't calm myself on my own.

But once I did, it was all I could do to keep from detaching completely, in self protection. Old coping patterns die hard, is all I have to say about that.

Surprisingly (or not) God got me in on a conversation where I could help speak into a dear sister's heart and life, during our lunch time.

I was drained when I came home, but God gave me the heart and energy to pour into that same sister who needed more of Him that night.

I got up Sunday morning for church, raced in and unloaded the sound equipment, then ran upstairs to run our warm up for worship team. As I waited later for the church service to start, a new friend came over to talk and see how I was doing, because she knew I had been in a very bad place in our small group the Thursday before the retreat.

I couldn't even look at her. And I couldn't stop shaking. She pressed some tissue into my hand before she left me at the start of the service.

Our opening was fine.
The sermon was great.
Except it had me in tears. Surprise. surprise.

Then I had to get back up and sing. It was all I could do in my own strength to hold myself together, and it wasn't working. I begged God to keep me from falling over up there. It was only 3 songs. By the last song, I had to hang onto the outside edge of the pulpit to keep myself steady on my feet. I haven't been that shaky in a long time.

Then I had to pray to close the set.

Ok, I didn't "have to" other than feeling the Spirit prompting me.
Sigh.
You really can't ignore Him.
Sigh.

So I prayed and started to break down again. I barely finished the prayer audibly, and seated everyone, then fled the sanctuary to pull myself together, in time to come back in and cry through all of communion.

It was something about remember Christ's body, broken for me, topping off a weekend about brokenness, OF brokenness that did me in!

Gee. God knows how to do that too, doesn't He?

Somehow, though my cup was empty and overturned, and truly broken - when I needed to minister in worship and service - He filled me and used me, this broken cup - over the whole weekend.

After church, I got home, curled up in bed, and cried myself to sleep, like I had been wanting too all weekend.

It didn't feel nearly as good as I had thought.
It didn't really help either.

When I got to work in the morning though, God impressed on me that I needed to tell my two pastors in our staff meeting what was going on with me. When I did, at the end of the meeting they prayed for me, and though I worked through the full day, God was merciful and it was an easy day.

Late Monday night (a week ago now) I got an email from my friend Pete and his wife Donna, in response to my email to them. I ended up being able to get together with them mid-day on Tuesday. My pastor, the only other person at the church that day with me, agreed that I had to go, and caught the phone calls for me while I was gone for about 3 1/2 hours.

It was hard, but I was able to share where I was at, and only because God really broke through to me over the weekend. He broke through the self imposed isolation I had been in... even when I didn't realize till later that's where I was.

No one really knew where I was at or how I was doing, and God put a stop to that.

My friends helped me pin down some lies I have been believing. Ones that are familiar to me, and others that are new, that slipped in under the radar in the last stressful month or two.

As Pete said, I never really had the chance to process through them like I normally do. I identified them right at the get go, but got so busy and stressed that I forgot all about them... as the enemy would want it.

When they commented that they didn't want to see me go down the road I had been down 2+ years ago, I said that I didn't want to either. That I wasn't there, yet.

I think they could have done without the "yet" in that sentence. (I could have too, but needed to be honest that it felt like a very slippery slope)

I was scared at how low I had fallen into the pit of depression, hopelessness, despair.

But oh, our God is so good!

I got a full hour, at least, the next morning at work. In the quiet with no phone calls.
I was able to sit in the library by a fire (see a pattern here?!) and pray, renounce lies, announce and claim the truth, and generally spend a good deal of time in prayer and in the Word.

Though the depression didn't lift fully that day, in the succeeding days (especially as I look back from where I am now) it did lift a bit at a time.

I had a weekend away with my family, which I was not looking forward to at the beginning of last week. But now I have recovered more from the stress. I have reconnected with my family. I feel a bit more like me.

It is still way too easy for me to be overwhelmed. I am still having trouble prioritizing things. I am still struggling with depression (though not as thick and dark as before, and much more recognizable), and some major lies that are wanting to creep in there. It's one of those things, just as I feel like I am having some success on one front, the enemy is trying to outflank me, and come in the back door.

But today I had some good solid time (though shorter than I wanted) with God. It got me off on the right foot.

Please continue to pray for me as I seek to make healthy choices for my soul, and healthy choices for my body. There is a lot of opposition there right now. Like I said, the enemy is trying to use a back door to trigger more bad coping patterns and other stuff.

There will be more about that in coming days as I find more time to write, now that I am feeling a bit better.

Thank you for your love and prayers.

Thank God for how He used this weekend and my dear family of friends here to break me down! He broke my pride. He broke through my thick walls of isolation, where literally I was broken to pieces, and He is putting me together, yet again.

Cup overturned, empty and scattered

Ah, friends...
It has been too long, and even now I wonder at the time I am daring to take to write, or even check my email!

Our women's retreat starts tonight.
6pm.

I need to be there between 2 and 3.

All the music power point is done. The words are printed for the interpreters for the deaf. The music picked out and organized and prayed over. The women coming have been prayed over, and again. The food for lunch tomorrow is sitting on my kitchen table, waiting to be packed into the tiny spaces left available in my car.

I think I have it all ready. I think! I hope.

I am excited about hearing from God today. I am excited to see how God is going to work in the lives of the 24 women coming.

Yet, I ache with tiredness, and I haven't even started yet.

I am leading worship for the weekend. I am leading worship for our Sunday morning church service when we get back. It will be a big drain on me, yet I am willing to do it, and feel called to.

There are some women coming with some deep hurts. Scary hurts. One is facing a diagnosis of her husbands cancer. He had a heart transplant back in 2002. A year and a half ago, she was diagnosed with cancer, had chemo and is cancer free today. Just yesterday they found out that a tumor was causing the pain and other issues he had.... I didn't hear what kind. I think I was in shock, but my guess is, from where they described it was, probably colon cancer. Near his lymph nodes. There seems to be no question that he is going to be doing chemo.

How does that work with his anti-rejection meds for his heart? I don't know. There are a lot of unknowns right now, and many tears shed last night at our home group.

Another woman is battling intense depression.

Another can't come because her mom is taking care of her dad who has Alzheimers, and isn't taking care of herself in the process, and she and her sister have to go take care of their mom.

And there are so many, many other unknown stories coming into this weekend.

Our weekend theme? Brokenness. Broken hearts. Broken lives. Broken before God... and complete surrender to Him.

I am broken. Beyond fixing by human hands. I too am struggling under a weight of depression. It lifts from time to time. Then it comes back with that familiar weight dropping onto my shoulders.

Last night found us all broken at our bible study. Over the news of cancer. Over our own hurts and struggles.

I sobbed while we prayed.

Everyone assumed (I think) it was because I was overwhelmed with the retreat. That was some of it. But God has really given me a peace about it all. I know He will be there, is in all of it now, and will make happen what He wants to happen at that retreat, whether things go the way we planned or not. He is in control.

Other things have slowly piled on the last couple of weeks, that I am still struggling with, and I can't even put a name to some of them.

I am in need of great healing and comfort this weekend. I don't even know what from. God does, and He knows the deepest part of me that is hurting right now. I think He is doing heart surgery, asking me to offer my body as a living sacrifice. My spirit is willing, but my flesh is oh, so weak.

I read something in today's devotional in "My Utmost for His Highest" about binding the sacrifice to the horns of the alter (me, my flesh, being the sacrifice) and then enduring, being willing to go through the fiery trial to follow. It will burn the flesh away, the unneeded things that are hindering me.

I need to be willing to be poured out for others, like a drink offering.

Cup overturned, empty.
Not a drop left.

I feel that way now, but not the cup spent in sacrifice... but the one knocked over prematurely. Like someone sweeping off a table in a fit of rage, knocking the cups over onto the floor, emptying them and scattering them heedless of the destruction just caused.

Maybe the enemy wasn't as "heedless" as I would like to think, but much more vengeful and hateful and purposeful behind the knocking down and over, and trampling through the wreckage.

These are just some thoughts rolling through my head.
I have little time left for a graceful closing to this post.

Please pray for the weekend. It is doubtful I will have an internet connection where I am going, even with my computer with me. And even if I do, I am not going to connect to the internet at all to check email or Facebook.

My biggest request is prayer.
For me.
For our speaker, who I know is getting hit by the enemy prior to this retreat.
For the women coming, all who have faced major opposition, either not coming or beaten down but still showing up.
For the Holy Spirit to be poured out on all of us.
For our ears and eyes to be open to hear and see what He is doing in our midst, and how He is speaking to our hearts.

Please pray for me to be able to not only lead the worship, guide the transitions between things, make the lunch, and administrate in any other way needed...
But to not be so distracted by other things that I cannot hear what God is saying to me, too.

Thank you for making it through this long post.
Thank you for taking the time to read, and then to pray.
Thank you for your friendships. They mean more to me than you will ever know.