What IS your name? What's in a name #1

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.” Isaiah 43:1

What are the names that God has called me? What are the names that God has called you?

So many times, we answer the question of “What’s your name?” by our name given to us by our parents. “My name is Heather,” “My name is _______.”

Internally, our answer can be much different. If we really listen to the voice in our head that comes out late at night, we hear other names that we have heard time and time again.

Those names have been given to us by parents, teachers, friends, classmates, and co-workers, among others.

Those names have been given to us by the circumstances we have found ourselves in, whether through neglect, abuse, lack of love or attention, times where people have sinned against us, or we have done things through our own free choices.

Those situations create and emphasize any thoughts about ourselves that have been negative in any way. What we perceive as our own voice in our head, continually takes anything we go, and accuses us of being those names that we have been given in the past.

So, what’s in a name?

Do you hear names of loved, secure, faithful, blessed, redeemed, chosen, wanted, valuable, precious, beloved, healed, whole, forgiven, released, free, significant, talented?

Or do you hear the names of worthless, unforgivable, careless, irresponsible, stupid, dork, nerd, freak of nature, clumsy, inept, never going to amount to anything, sick, twisted, damaged goods?

I can tell you I have heard my share of all the negative names. Most of the ones I listed above. They have come from sexual and emotional abuse, from attitudes of family members, peers in school, teachers, even co-workers and my friends. Some of it was unintentional for sure. Other names were given with every intention of hurting me and pushing me down, squashing me.

In recent years, as I have started growing and learning about a deeper heart journey that God is calling me to, Jesus has shown me the lies I have believed about myself. Lies planted there through specific incidents in my life, lies embedded by well meaning family, friends and teachers. Each time I encountered an experience where I was uncertain, where I felt a little bit insecure, every mistake I made was pounced on by the one who wants to keep me from being whole and complete in Christ. If the enemy of our souls can keep us from being who God created us to be, he can win a battle in the war against God that is raging in the heavenlies.

For that is what is going on all around us. A battle first, to keep us from coming to know Christ in an intimate and personal way, and then if we do end up becoming God’s, to keep us ineffective, bullied and pressed to the ground by all the weight of our baggage from our lives. We can’t see this battle with our physical eyes, but we sure can feel it in our hearts and minds.

How many times have you woken in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep. You feel like you have had a bad dream, but it continues once you are sure you are wide awake. In your head you hear the whispers accusing you for the mistakes you made that day. Yelling at the kids, losing patience with your family, giving a cold shoulder to your spouse.

“Why, this makes you a horrible person! Why can’t you pull yourself together and be the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect friend? Look at all the people you have promised to pray for. You haven’t prayed for one of them have you? Look how you promised to spend time with God every morning, and yet you are neglecting him, and getting distracted by all the things going on around you. You wake up and have to start running with the kids right away. You should have gone to bed earlier so that you could get up before your family, and spend time with God, but you didn’t. You didn’t even bother to look at your bible today…”

And on and on the list of accusations go.

Sometimes the accusations escalate if you can’t get back to sleep. They go from whispering in your ear, to yelling in your head. Bringing up scenes from your past, you find yourself lamenting your choices, grieving yet again over the things you couldn’t prevent from happening. You wonder if you could have done something different. You wonder if you really did deserve all the things that were pushed on you, when you were too young to do anything about them.

Then you finally manage to fall back asleep, by whatever means you can. You take some medication, make yourself a drink, read till you collapse, stare at the TV till your eyes are blurry, or escape into a fantasy life where things are perfect and you can pretend at least for a while that you are loved and significant to at least one person in your life.

I know that I have done all of these things. I know that in the middle of the night, even now as I write this, I wonder if I really am doing the right thing. Am I really supposed to be writing at all? Who would want to listen to my story, hear what I might have to say? So many others have written about similar things, what new ideas could I possible add to the mix?

But I look at a list of names that God has called me. I found it on the Internet on a blog site (HERE) I frequent. I printed it out and posted it above my desk. And there, staring me in the face was the verse from Isaiah, chapter 43.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.”
I think this has become a life verse for me. It is something that I desperately need to remember. No matter what the circumstances that come my way, no matter the barbs people throw at me, no matter how discouraged or low I feel… I am His! He is mine! He knows my name, he has called me by my name, and he has redeemed my life from the pit.

——-

I think that this may end up becoming a bit of a series, much like my friend Amy has a series called Hope Chronicles on her blog.

I have started to realize how important names are. How many names do I call myself during the day. Just by marriage and occupation alone I am called wife and mother, also, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, friend, etc. But as I said above, there is so much more going on. I only hope that as I explore some of the things that God has been teaching me, He will use my words to help show you the names He has called you, to replace the ones given to you by others.

Dancing in the streets!

God has done so many things recently in my life.

All last week, as you may have noticed in some of my earlier posts, I wanted to run. I was blocking out God and didn’t want to think at all. But God was preparing me.

Saturday I started a new book, and through it, God spoke to me. As I read, I realized that these two gentlemen who wrote the book were putting into words all my thoughts and feelings that I haven’t been able to get into words. I have tried. But this was different. Even as men, they understand the matters of the heart, and how much our hearts need to be connected to the rest of us. We need to have our hearts caught up in the wild, untameable love of our God.

Such thoughts, and more, were filling my head as I went into counseling on Monday. As I talked with Tricia, I was able to talk to her very honestly about some things that had come up as I read the book. It was amazing to me that I avoided even really dealing with God all week long, but Saturday, when He finally got through to me, it was through this book. And literally I read all day… read half of the book! And journaled about it, and all the things that were hitting me.

As I talked with Tricia, I felt like the whole conversation was being guided. Guided gently and lovingly by God. I didn’t realize just how much until much later, after the session. The things we talked about, things in my history, quotes from the book, issues it brought up, issues in relationships… it all came out, and once I got over some initial anxiety that I always have, I really felt held and safe and secure.

I even brought something up that I had been purposely avoiding. I was concerned about her reaction, and if I would be able to clearly explain what I meant. Every time I had thought about it the night before, and even talked it out, out loud (thank goodness everyone else was asleep) it just came out wrong.

I finally emailed a friend the night before my counseling session, and asked her to pray because I didn’t know if I should even bring the issue up in counseling or not.
Much sooner than I thought in the session, God just brought it up, and it fit right in with what we were talking about. And I even told Tricia that I didn’t want to say anything. I remember just looking away from her as I tried to describe what I wanted. I was afraid of looking at her face to see her reaction.

And God gave me the words to say. He was gracious to me. He relieved my fears through Tricia, and by words that she said in response to my comments. I just don’t have the words to express it right now. I really don’t have the words to express how God touched my heart in such a profound way.

Today, the more I thought about the session, the more I realized how God has worked and moved in my life in the past month. I can hardly believe it. A month ago, I had been out of the hospital for only a week. I have had so many things that have happened since then that before would have thrown me over the edge. And they haven’t.

Today I took my friend Cindy out for lunch, and we were able to just rejoice together for the things that God has done. Amazing things. Awesome things. Dancing in the street things. God has given me strength. God has given me healing in amazing ways.

“O Lord my God, I cried out to You, and You healed me.
O Lord, You brought my soul up from the grave;
You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.” Psalm 30:2-3

This is practically a direct quote from my heart to God’s heart. It was a promise He gave me months ago. It is a promise that He has fulfilled. It is a promise that He is going to fulfilled.

Like I said: Dancing in the streets!!!!

More blessings upon blessings…

He has given me a friendship in Cindy that I have been praying for, for years and years. He has released me from so much of the bondage that has held me in captivity for so long. He is growing me up. He is teaching me how to release my heart to Him. He is just doing amazing things.

He is giving me promises for the future. He is showing me my mission field here and now, and He is showing me hope for the future. He has shown me that He is willing to give me the desires of my heart in His timing.

He is giving me sisters in Christ, that though we can’t be close now every day, we can have a connection through prayer and by knowing we are sisters in Him. But that is more for a later post…

I sat in Beatitudes this morning, and tried to thank Him for what He has done. I was just blown away. I still am. My heart is filled to overflowing with how He had helped me and held me. Desired of my heart have been answered, fears have been relieved. Prayers prayed for others have been answered. Amazing things He has done. Amazing things He will do.

My God, My Jesus filled my heart with so much hope, it’s all I can do to keep from crying right now. Our God is so good!

Yes, I know that I will probably still have bad days. God doesn’t promise that we won’t have trouble. But with Him we can get through it. With Him I can get through it.

I can hardly believe the joy that is filling my heart right now! God is so amazing! Ok, so I am going to cry, I can’t stop it, but these are tears of joy.

For the first time in a long time… tears of JOY!!!! Joy at what He has done. And complete humility that He has done it for me.

To run, to walk, to sink roots in deep...

I still want to run…

Just like in my earlier post today.

However some other things distracted me until now.

About five o’clock, Dave’s parents came and picked up Marina (they already had Peter for the day) and spirited both kids away to the farm. That suddenly made our evening look a whole lot different.

Dave suggested a walk… so I promptly put on some shorts, grabbed my visor and off we went.

In Mosinee, the main highway has one bridge to get into town. The way the town was built, it is on one side of the Wisconsin River, and the interstate, train, and most of the other main roads into and out of Wausau are on the other side of the river.
Let me tell you, when school is out at 3:30 and first shifters are trying to get back into town at the same time, the bridge can be backed up all the way across its span (and that is rather long)… but that’s another story…

So, our walk.

We walked to the bridge, where it crosses the river. Mosinee was originally known as Little Bull Falls. Well, the falls are still there, though slightly modified by man. A dam has been put in now, and they regulate the water flow over the falls.
Well, there are several public access points along the bridge, where you can get on to some islands on the river… at least when the water level is low. Earlier last week, with all the rain, it was running pretty high. But today, it was running low, so we were able to get to parts of the islands and rocks that you aren’t normally able to get to.

I wish I had some pictures to share, but this time we didn’t take the camera, as we figured we would be doing a lot of climbing and possibly slipping, so didn’t want to risk either of our good cameras on the walk. Maybe next time I can at least find a place to get a few good pictures to post at a later time.

Sorry… on with the story.

It was fun climbing over rocks and around outcroppings. We were able to sit on rocks polished smooth with years of water running over them, twists and swirls, and round pockets worn into them.

We got to one point where we climbed up a large out cropping, and were able to see further down the river and the water washing down, tangles of trees, rocks, and bits of bushes, plants and flowers clinging where there was no soil. It was beautiful, and serene, if you could block out the noise of the traffic racing on the bridge over our heads.

We climbed back out of the river channel, back to the bridge and beat it home, just before it really started to pour. It would have been pretty interesting getting out of there, if it had started raining, while we were still there. The rocks would have been so slippery!

The walking and climbing over the rocks helped me just by getting some physical exercise. I now am too tired to run! And even though Dave and I didn’t talk about much, or anything very important, it was good to be with him. We sat on the couch tonight, ate pizza, and watched a program on TV we both really like.

In all it was a relaxing evening… unplanned… unexpected… and nice. Really nice.
So, why am I still anxious? Why am I still struggling with wanting to isolate myself? A habit? A way of protecting myself? Am I like those trees and bushes I saw today, sinking their roots deep into the rock so they don’t get swept away? Do I sink my roots deep into the habits of the past, so that something doesn’t change when everything else around me seems to?

Maybe I should let up those roots, pull them out of the old rocky habits, and instead immerse them in the Living Stream of water. I guess that is what I am trying to do. It’s really hard work. And it takes a stronger Hand than me. I mean, what bush can pull itself out of the ground? It needs outside help.

I need to give in to the rushing, wild, untameable flow of Christ’s love for me. Allow Him to flood over me, wash me in His cleansing flow, pull me out of the rocky life I have known and deposit me in a fertile field, near His stream of Living Water.

Oh, Lord, let me sink my roots deep into the rich soil of Your Word. Quench my thirst with the clear, clean, cool water of Your Word. Wash me with Your cleansing flood, and plant me where You want me. Cause the fruit to grow in me that You have prepared me to grow. Show me Your will for my life, and help me to submit to You, and allow You to use the circumstances of my life to teach me daily more about You… and who I am in You. Amen.

Conversations with the Great I AM...

Oh God, I want to run.

I know, child.

I want to run away. I don’t want to deal with these responsibilities. I want to run and hide somewhere.

I know.

I can’t do this today. I just am having a bad day, God. And it makes me want to run away more, when last weekend was so good.

God? Why am I struggling so much right now? Why do I have to deal with this? I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to fight depression and anxiety. I don’t want to find myself just wanting to hole up in the house and hide.

God? Are You there? Are You listening?

I am.

Do you care? Do you see? I want a safe place. I want to hide somewhere away from everything else. I want to hide somewhere so far away, so no one can find me. I want to hide in such a tight cocoon that I feel like I am being hugged or held.

God? I am tired. I don’t understand. I am frustrated. I am confused. What do I do?

I AM.

Huh?

I AM. Look to me.

But right now, all I can see is me, God. All I can see is the hurt that I am feeling that I don’t even know where it is coming from. How do I look to You? How do I fight all these thoughts in my head that are pushing me down further and further?


My dear child: Claim my promises. Remember all that I have done for you. Remember the Words you have read about Me. Remember the Words of Mine you have memorized. Pick another verse. Pick a promise. Memorize it. Meditate on it. Know that I never fail to keep My promises.

I AM bigger than anything else you have ever seen.
I AM stronger than anything that can harm you.
I AM more wildly in love with you than you can imagine.
I AM your Father.
I AM your Friend.
I AM your Redeemer.
I AM your Healer.

Child, I will be with you all of your days. I will be with you all of your nights. You can meditate on me in the middle of the night and I will be there. I AM with you forever. My Spirit is in you. When you can’t see, or breathe, or even cry out, My Spirit is interceding for you, before My throne. You are not alone. You may feel alone. You may be in pain. You may be fighting or you may be falling down in discouragement.

But I AM with you always.

Oh Father! My God. I don’t know what to say. My heart cries out to You. Thank You for speaking so directly to my heart.
But, I still feel like running away.

I know.

All right. A promise. To memorize and meditate on.
Here is the promise I claim for today God.
I choose to trust that You have given it to me.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.” Isaiah 43:1

Engrave that truth not only in my head God, but in my heart as well. I am so tired of fighting. Help me to rest in You, to let Your peace fill my heart, to let Your arms hold me. Be my safe place, and help me to stop running away, but instead run to You. Give me Your strength for the rest of this day, Father.

I will.

Conversations with a 4 year old...

Today was one of those days.

One of those days where I was feeling sick when I got up. (Though whether it is allergies or a cold, I just don’t know.) The kids were good this morning. I took them out for a walk/bike ride after lunch. It took all that was in me to get them out there. Just the effort of getting myself ready (and out of my pj’s) was almost more than I could do. But we took our walk and spent some time at the park. Then we all came home and took naps.

One of the very fun things about nap time that I really enjoy. We either pile on the bed, or the couch depending on their mood, and read books. I get snuggled and hugged from both sides, and get to read books to the kids. It is so much fun to have that time with them, and they love reading.

After I settle down Marina in their room, I meet Peter on my bed. Today we snuggled a bit together, and then I’m not sure who fell asleep first. I think it might have been me, in mid-prayer.

Tonight, when supper was done, Peter, Marina and I headed down to see Daddy as he worked on projects in the garage. After much playing with chalk and drawing on themselves, the driveway, the car, the new bike, and the opportunity for me to fold 2 loads of clothes (miracle in an of itself!!!) We got them inside for their bath time.

Then came the snuggle where we watched a little TV, then Peter wanted to watch Animal Cops, on Animal Planet, after Rina was in bed. For some reason, he really likes to see the animals as they are brought in to be taken care of and helped by the vets. He has a tender heart towards animals, even all the ones that his Grandpa catches at the farm and then eventually releases back to the wild.

Then Peter and I snuggled on my bed again to read, pray, and cuddle before he went to his own bed in their room. In the dark, as we lay there, he started asking me questions about God.

You know how 4 year olds can be.

The questions can get quite interesting, and sometimes really hard to answer.
Things like:

How big is God?

Does He come in and out of my tummy (heart) to make the stars?

If He is so big that He can be everywhere, why can’t I see Him?

God came out of Barbara’s tummy. When I questioned him about that one, he said that Barbara died (a great aunt) and so God came out of her tummy.

At one point in the conversation, especially when he was trying to understand how big God was, and how He could know all our thoughts, all at the same time, I remembered Psalm 139.

I still have it memorized, so I told it to him as a story, simplifying the words so he would have a better chance of understanding… that God knows him and me, when we get up and lie down, when we go out to do something, and when we come in. God knows our thoughts and words before we even say them. If we try to run away from God we can’t. If we go up to heaven He is there. If we go to the very bottom of the earth, He is there… we can try to make a new home on the other side of the world, but still God is there. He made us in our mother’s tummy, so he knows all about us, even before we were born.

Peter lay with his head on my shoulder for a long time, just absorbing that.
I said to him, “that is pretty hard to understand, isn’t it?” He nodded. I told him that I don’t understand it all either. But I also told him that any time he had questions, he could ask me and I would try to give him the answers, and if I didn’t know them, I would find the answers and tell him.

I love that time of night when Peter settles down and wants to cuddle in the dark close to me, and when he feels free to open up and talk about the things that he has been thinking about.

They are such precious moments. I know these times with my children won’t last long. Helpful words from my counselor and another friend reminded me that my kids need me to be so involved in their lives. God has placed two people right in my own home that need outreach. They are my mission field. They are our mission field, for my husband and I.

It is such an awesome responsibility.

It is more than I could possibly handle without God helping me and giving me the answers, the guidance, the patience, the love required to guide these little people closer to Him. I can’t do this without giving up some of the things that I want to do, the selfishness that I am so prone to, and I don’t do this naturally. Only God can help me overcome that selfishness. Only Jesus can model to me what it means to be self-less, care for those around him, teach those closest to Him, have compassion for everyone He came into contact with. Yet, He still knew when He needed to take time to be on His own with His father, rest and refresh Himself for more ministry.

I have seen where I have taken too much advantage of Dave’s parents in having them take care of the kids so I can do what I want, without them around “bothering” me. That is the selfishness. The other extreme is taking care of them, to the exclusion of my husband, and the exclusion of the health of my marriage, and the exclusion of my own spiritual health.

So, I am trying (not always successfully) to spend a bit of time in the morning with a devotional journal. Then get on the computer, only when the kids are involved in playing with each other, or better yet, when they are asleep. Once everyone is in bed, like now, and the house is quiet, I can blog and journal on my own, without interruption, and spend some of that time I need for myself.

It’s a re-commitment to what I know I need to do, and have started and stopped over and over the past month or so. The devotional in the morning is easy, but the keeping away from the computer is much harder. I suppose that means, I should set myself some “screen time” limits, so that I spend more of my time with my family, rather than addicted to this computer, huh?

Time to start applying those things that I have been learning lately. As Lelia mentioned in a previous comment, time to chew over and meditate on each thing that I have learned so it becomes part of me, part of my life.

Again, one step at a time.

Step by Step.

Step by step...

One of the things that I have always loved to do is read. I love learning new things. I find I just have a hunger to learn new things, and want to dig into things to really explore each new thing I learn.

Learning things is a good thing. I have applied that to wanting to learn more about the Bible, and to learning the truths that God gives us there. It has really helped me grow in my relationship with God, especially in tough times.

Yesterday, Tricia told me that I have a lot of knowledge of the truth, and wisdom that I share with others, but I seem to have trouble applying it to my life. I have many steps of truth, and know all the right answers. I have difficulty walking in that truth. I have trouble internalizing the truth, and really believing it in my heart.

Slowly that process has been taking place through counseling. I have started to find things that I have believed that were lies, and I knew the truth, but didn’t believe it for myself. For instance, a couple of the lies that came from past experiences were, “I am worthless,” and “I am unforgivable.” I always knew the truth that I am worthy in Christ, and that because of Jesus blood, I am forgiven. But until I started going through therapy, the head knowledge and heart knowledge just weren’t connected.

Now that I have gone through some specific incidents from the past, where those lies were planted, not only did the truths really get applied in my life (and become real in my heart), I have been able to walk in those truths. I also have found the intensity of the emotions around those particular incidents have faded. Though I remember them, and know they happened to me, they are just memories now, and don’t have the hold on me they did before.

There are new lies that I have realized that I am believing. “I am not safe,” and “I can’t let go of or let out my emotions.” I know the truth of my security in Christ, and that it is healthy to get out those emotions, and have a release for them. In my head.

We worked through these lies, and the situations they were attached to, yesterday. Something about this EMDR therapy God really uses to help me begin to apply to the truth to the situations, and to the lies. If you follow the link I provided above to the official site, that explains what EMDR is, you will see how God can really use it. I can’t imagine how difficult it is for Tricia to use this therapy with someone who isn’t a Christian. You have to identify a negative thought about yourself (the lie) and then what your preferred positive thought would be (the Truth). When someone can’t come from the perspective of absolute truth, Tricia said it is extremely difficult, because the person has to rely on “positive thinking” rather than on God doing the healing.

So, hopefully, in the next week or so, as I continue to process the session yesterday, and meditate on the truth, I will start to believe the truth in my heart and mind, fully. It took a while for the worthiness and forgiveness to come to fully believing and knowing in my head and heart, to really occur to the full extent. So, I am trusting God to do the work with these lies and truths as well. But I also know it will take time.

One thing that Tricia used to describe how I am applying truth in my life is this. She had me stand up and start walking and observe which foot I started with. Then she said to imagine that my right foot (the one I started with) was the truth; the truth I know in my head, that I have learned. Then to imagine that my left foot was that truth applied in my life.

She said typically a person walks one foot stepping and then the other. Truth, application, truth, application. Right, left, right, left. But she said I am walking differently. I am always leading with my right foot, dragging the other behind. (Imagine kids learning to “gallop” across the room, with the right leg leading… try it out yourself and you will see what I mean) Truth, truth, truth truth. Right, right, right, right. And I never add the application in.

She said as I walk with the kids or whatever, I need to think on the truth, and then the application. I am not sure how to actually “apply” the truth in my life. One good friend suggested it is all about renewing the mind. Re-training how I am thinking. When the lie pops in, or I find I am operating out of that lie, I need to replace it with the truth, preferably with a bible verse, and focus on that, meditate on that, and then to try to walk in that truth. Acting in the truth rather than out of the lie and fear.

Here it is again. It shows up in my blog all the time. The truth and what I should be doing, but my everyday life is a lot different. I suppose it is the same with most people. We all know the truth, and the way we should be living in freedom in Christ. But many times we live instead by the lies that have been planted by the enemy through situations we have lived through. Sometimes those lies are planted, not because we have lived through abuse or trauma, but because there was something we needed in our past that we didn’t receive. Whether that be affirmation from our parents, neglect in one way or another, a lack of feeling loved or secure as a child. Those can affect as much or more, our ability to really believe in our heart of hearts that we are accepted, secure and loved by God.

So I hope you will join me in walking.

Step by step.

Right, left, right, left.
Truth, application, truth, application.

Let’s walk in freedom and victory, the way Christ has intended us to.

Dear Jesus, please help me to be able to walk in the truth the way you have intended me to. I ask for this day. Help me to rest in my safety and security in You. I ask that you would help all my friends and family to do the same. Show me where I am believing a lie, where I am acting and reacting out of lies I might believe. And please help me to really integrate, and incorporate Your truth into my life… into my mind and heart. I want to have the mind of Christ. Renew my mind, and transform me into your likeness, may I reflect who You are. May I reflect Your glory, and show others what it is to walk in Your truth and to live it out day by day. I thank You and praise You for how You have helped me, and worked in my life. You are an amazing God! I can’t imagine living without You. Thank You Jesus, for Your healing and Your love. Amen.

Weeds...

Two nights ago, it was the end of a rough day. I was tired, cranky, and so were the kids. Finally out of frustration, I got them ready and sent them outside. I got their socks and shoes on, and sprayed them down with bug spray. And sent them out. Yes, ages 4 and 2.

Before I get chastised for sending them out alone; :) I sat on the deck and tried to eat and watched them play. Finally I realized my anxiety was no longer going to let me eat, so I called down to the kids I would be right out, and got ready… including lots of bug spray and down the stairs I tromped. I was not going with a good attitude.

When I got down there, I realized the bugs were too bad for me to just sit and watch them play, so I decided I might as well make use of my time. I headed for our front flower bed, and walked around looking at all the weeds. Finally, I decided I might as well start pulling them. As soon as I started doing something, the kids came to see.

Peter (age 4) decided he was going to help me. He at least knew what was grass and what was a good plant, and when he wasn’t sure, he asked me. My daughter decided pulling plants was too hard, so she started picking up weeds and throwing them into a wagon. Peter decided that looked like way too much fun, so he helped. When the wagon was full, they dragged it to the back yard and dumped it in the “burn pile” in the back yard. We really don’t have a burn pile, they just dumped it in the long grass at the back of our property.

When I finally got done pulling weeds, the flower bed looked much better, and my attitude was better as well. It was fun watching the kids trundle back and forth helping by moving all the pulled weeds. I ended up taking out our good digital camera and was able to get some really good close up pictures of some of the individual blossoms and flowers.

This morning I was thinking about that. Pulling weeds. I was wondering how many weeds God sees in my life that He wants to pull.

Weeds of impatience, short temper, frustration, anger.

That day the kids and I were fussing at each other… the whole day. And my attitude wasn’t helping one thing. We were annoying each other as much as the mosquitoes were annoying us as we were working.

So, how do I let God into my garden to pull the weeds? I have tried to spend time in the Word each morning, and take the time to pray. However, if this morning was any example of how well I let Him in, I didn’t do a good job. I maybe read one word at a time, yelled at the kids, read a bit more, told them to take a bite, tried to write out a prayer and got one sentence before I had to deal with someone screaming. And by the end of the ordeal I was done in and it was only 10am. Not a good start to the day, or a good way to let God speak to me about anything.

Even as I write this, my husband is watching my daughter, and feeding her cereal out of his bowl. And I am getting frustrated at the milk and cereal being spilled all over the floor and the couch and running down the front of her once clean clothes.

So much for pulling weeds.

God, please show me how to be a better mother and wife. Show me how to focus on You, even when my 2 year old spreads Vaseline all over her room and bed. Show me how to be patient even when my kids fight me every step of the way to the bath tub, or the dinner table. Show me how to let You into my life so that I can get rid of some of these weeds that are keeping the flowers of Your garden from revealing their presence. Please give me peace in this day. Please give me joy in this day. Please give me the ability to enjoy the blessings of the moment, of every moment of this day. Amen.

Questions, grief, and the need to Trust...

How do you deal with things, when the perspective suddenly changes?

Seriously, I am asking for some feedback.

You know, when things are going along ok, actually, better. Things are looking up, and you are starting to feel like, though there are some things you need to do to help others, maybe things are returning to normal. After so long, to feel normal!
And then something happens, you get bad news, about a friend, or about work, or about a family member. And it forces your perspective to shift. Things that felt safe for the first time in your life; where you felt security and freedom; suddenly leave you feeling unsure, unstable and a bit fearful.

You feel “not safe” again, and you don’t like it.

So, really, how do you deal with it?

I mean, I have never really learned how to grieve a loss. Whether it be of a family member or close friend, I have never experienced anyone close to me dying. I have experienced losses from abuse, or from losing friends, or other things like that. But I never thought of those as losses, so I didn’t grieve them. Any emotions I had about them, even if it was grief, I pushed down. I don’t know how to express grief. I don’t know what is “normal” and I don’t know what to expect.

The emotions that I stuffed down, I didn’t even have a name for.

Were they grief?
What is grief?
What does grief feel like?
What does grief look like?

The crying at the drop of a hat, the wanting desperately to run away, all makes me feel out of control. I don’t like being out of control. I don’t feel safe letting my emotions out. I don’t feel secure. I feel like the rug has just been pulled out from under my feet, just after I finally got my balance.

I am being forced to deal with the finite limits of our earthly existence. I know we continue on in heaven, and that we will have relationships there. But relationships here change, die, new ones form, old ones fade away.

I have recently been brought face to face with that, in a rather sudden way, and I feel completely at a loss as how to deal with it. I don’t know how to be a mom, and still cry. I don’t know how to be a wife, and still cry. I don’t know how to be myself, and still cry. I don’t feel safe when I let that all out. Because it comes out like a flood and I can’t control it.

Is that grief?

I have hidden so many of those emotions for so long. Now I have slowly learned to trust a few people, which has encouraged me to trust a few more, and slowly be real with them. Now that I am real, and more open, my emotions come out more readily.
I have learned who the “safe people” are typically that I can let those emotions out around and they don’t shy away. There are just a few, but they are the ones I can go to that I can be totally sure of their staying with me. I don’t have to hide how I am doing. They can tell by looking at me. Those are the people that have invested in me, but also who have allowed me into their lives and been real and honest with me.

Maybe that is why I have trusted these few, because they have modeled what trust and transparency look like. They have modeled Jesus, His care and compassion, and never failing love.

But this instance was so sudden and unexpected, that I think I was in emotional shock for a time. Then came the anger and tears and ache in my heart.

Is that grief?

I feel like if I slow down too much, I will start crying. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what to do with this all!

In and of myself, I feel like I am doing all right. I have had some mood swings this week, but they have been moderate, for me anyway, and my husband wasn’t even sure I was going through PMS… so this is a big step in the right direction!

So I know the emotions I am dealing with are directly related to the news I received this week. I dissolve every time I think of the situation, struggle with some depression over it. I didn’t want to get out of bed this afternoon after nap time with the kids. Dave forced me to, and we went to a park and grilled out for supper and the kids ran around and made us laugh… good therapy.

I guess this has brought to the forefront a lie I have been believing for a long time. One that stems from sexual abuse in my very young years, and patterns of other types of abuse all the way through college years and beyond. The lie?

“I am not safe.”

I know I have to counter that with the truth that I am safe in Christ. God keeps me safe. He is my tower and my refuge, my fortress. I have been looking up verses that have to deal with safety and security in God. There are so many that hit me, I can’t write them all down. But here are two that stood out to me as I read them. They seem to link together.

“I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.” Jer. 33:6b

“The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them.” Ps. 34:7

Safety and security.

I long for that in the middle of these swirling emotions. Emotions of fears and hurt and loss. The facing the unknown. I don’t know how to handle them. This is new territory for me. God has opened me up enough that I don’t know how to stuff these things back down. I am healed enough to know that my normal coping mechanisms just won’t work… at least not in the long run. Running and hiding won’t help because I end up having to come back and face it.

Grief, and needing to feel peace, security, safety. How do I reconcile these? How do I deal with this news, and work through the emotions I am having, and not pull back into my shell, my walls I have hidden behind for so long? How do I use the correct coping mechanisms and tools I have been taught by my counselor?

Here I was planning on not going to see Tricia this week. Now that I am struggling with this, do I still go? Or do I cancel, and try to work through this on my own, with God?

Please, if anyone has any feed back about any of this. Comment or email me. I could really use some input, and above all your prayers, as always. Speaking of, I know no other, better way to finish here.

Oh God, I feel like I am in such a tangle, such a mess. Please help me be a good wife and mom to my husband and kids in the morning. I am going to be so tired. I am afraid of my emotions, Jesus. I am afraid of thinking about this situation at all, because all these emotions that I can’t identify start welling up, and overflowing. I know that You number each tear. I know that You will wipe them away. I know that You are holding me, and this whole situation, in Your loving arms, even if I can’t feel it. I choose to stand firm, and trust that You, Oh Lord are keeping me safe, encamping around me, and giving me abundant peace and security. Even if I don’t feel that right now. Help me, God. I don’t know what else to ask for. Show me what to do for the rest of this week. Show me how to deal with this. Show me the next step, the next hour, the next minute if I need that. Help me to discern your will about counseling this week, whether I should keep my appointment, or whether I should skip it and wait another 10 days. God I feel so weak. Fill me up. Use me. Help me during this time of pain and heartache, turn to You even more in prayer and petition and praise. Guard me and keep me safe. Oh God, every time I feel like I am starting to stand firm again, I feel like You break me even more, and I crumble again. Form me into who You want me to be. I surrender. I give up. You do it. You show me how to let this out. You heal me. You ease the pain. Nothing I can do, will do all that. Only You will satisfy this weary soul. Help me Lord Jesus. And let me come out on the other side of this praising You. Amen.

It all comes down to a choice...

God is truly healing me. I can see it in my reactions and interactions with others, and how different things are affecting me. I guess in a way I must have made the choice of freedom and healing over, bondage and illness. Which is a good, no, great thing.

I am still working (as always) on surrendering my need for control over to Him. He knows the plans He has for me. And if I stop talking long enough, if I stop running around and trying to micro-manage everything, maybe He will be able to get a word in edgewise, and show me His plans for my day, His will for my day. Not that I don’t have free will, and can choose to do what I want, when I want; but I need to have my heart’s desire focused on my response to His love. I need to be living out my life as a response to His mercy, grace, and love.

For me that means I need to spend more intimate time with Him each day. Jesus longs to show me something new for each day, and honestly right now I need to hear from Him more than ever. If I tune Him out, I will end up back in the same place I was before. Planning my own life with no regard to Who even created me to live in the first place. I will just be running along doing my own thing, and sometimes asking Him what He thinks of what I am doing, not asking Him to show me what to do. (I hope that makes sense)

I guess what I am trying to say is, though I had a relationship with Jesus, and I prayed often, and read the bible, went to church, all the right stuff, the intimacy wasn’t there, it hadn’t been for a long time.

Now for the past three and a half years, as I have struggled through depression; worked on being transparent; sought spiritual freedom in my life; all that has relied on Jesus guiding me, and me listening, so I knew the next step to take. And all that took being intimate with Him. Especially the last year, God has been showing me every day, just how much He loves me, just how much He is guiding everything that has gone on in my life, and how He is redeeming my mistakes. How He is redeeming the mistakes of others. He is making all the bad start to work for good in my life.

How can I do anything but praise Him?

During this time of healing, and especially now as I am getting closer to wholeness and maturity, things have been thrown at me that I didn’t anticipate, which under past conditions, would have completely devastated me.

With my dear friend Kim, who has been an incredible support, being laid up now for most of the summer with a very slow, painful recovery, I have had to come to terms with possibly not seeing her as much. I also have had to work on overcoming my insecurities, to reach out and give a helping hand to her and her family. (still working on that one…)

Another thing that I have realized in the past few months, with the scare my grandmother gave us when she got pneumonia, is that I have never really dealt with the death of a family member or someone very close to me. I am afraid of my reactions to that. I am afraid of my reactions to painful health issues of others. I pray privately, but to be with them, pray with them, offer help to them, I find myself at a loss for words, afraid to say or do the wrong thing. So in the past, I have run away.

But as Tricia has reminded me time and again… when I feel like running, remember that verse in Ephesians (the one on my front page) Stand firm… and when I have done everything, to stand. I need to stand firmly by the side of those in need in my life. Even if I feel like running. I need make that choice to stand (or sit in some cases) by their side. I may not need to talk. Just stand. Be with them, stand with them through the storm they are in.

I heard some difficult news from a friend this week. Waiting on final answers from the doctor is so hard. And part of me wants to run. But I can’t. She never ran from me through all the junk I have been through. So, how do I stand?

I have been working since Thursday on integrating this news into my life, and the perceptions I had of how things should be. One joy in it all, I haven’t gone over board into depression, I haven’t gone crazy with anxiety (ok, well, not too much anyway)

Last night, I just couldn’t go home to a house full people, and the noise. So after stopping at the farm to check on the kids, I ended up taking a long drive, watching the sunset. I know, driving right now with the gas prices is insane. But I needed to have that solitude. Part of the time I prayed. I used some of the tools Tricia taught me to calm myself, and to try to reconcile this news and incorporate it into my life/emotions/heart.

Again I came to the realization that I don’t know the why, I don’t know the when, I don’t know the how, but I do know the Who! As I drove out in the country (on roads I had never been on before) looking at the old farm houses, churches, barns, and a beautiful sunset with big fluffy clouds, I saw God. I knew, in a deeper way than just head knowledge that He created all of this earth, all of us. I knew that He gave me that time to get away. I knew that He gave me that beautiful sunset out in the country side. Just to show me His splendor and to remind me that He is sovereign, and in control of everything. He knows the past, present and future. He WILL take care of all of us, but in His timing and in His will, not mine.

I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that a very close friend of mine might be very ill. I am not there yet by any means. But I do know that if I hadn’t been doing all this hard work these past 7 months or so with my counselor, Tricia, I would be running, I would be hiding, I would be spiraling down in despair and fear.
I just have this sense that God is reminding me that He is here, He is with me, He is holding me and my friend, and that He is giving me a gift. That gift is the opportunity to see that I am stronger than I thought. He has made me stronger. He is giving me the opportunity to work through some of my fears and insecurities, and He is still here. No matter how I react, fail, or succeed, He still loves me.

My Jesus still loves me. My Jesus still holds me. My Jesus still calls me. My Jesus still heals me.

How can I argue with that wild, crazy, untameable love that God extends to me? To grasp and understand just an ounce of that love is beyond me. But He still offers it every moment of every day.

Ecclesiastes 7:14 says;
“If the times are good, be happy (NKJ says: be joyful)
But when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one as well as the other
(NKJ says: God has appointed one as well as the other)
Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about His future.” (NIV)

I don’t know anything about my future. I cannot discover it. I cannot reason it out. I cannot control it. But I can be joyful in the good times, and when the bad times come, I can remember that God allows both… And He is in control, all powerful, all knowing. He knows how any circumstance will strengthen me, or challenge me, or rub off the rough edges from me, or show me things I need to work on. He will use something bad to create something good, even if we never see it here on this earth, in this brief lifetime. Maybe we will see it in eternity. Maybe we won’t.

As for me, I choose to trust that God knows what He is doing. Even if I hurt for my friend, and sometimes rage against God for this possible diagnosis, I WILL trust in Him. I will use what He has taught me these last few months. I will allow Him to use me, no matter how fearful I might be. I will choose to do His will, not mine.

Surrender...

Today as I was reading and praying, I was thinking about what God wanted to sift out of my heart, so that He could fill me further and use me more. I came across the following verse in the Bible.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him…” 1 Corinthians 2:9

I don’t know what the future is. There is no way for me to know. Anything I could imagine falls unbelievably short of what God has prepared for me. All I have to do is surrender.

Ah, that word.
Surrender.

That’s a tough one now, isn’t it. God doesn’t want to see rooms in our hearts that have “Do not enter” signs on them. He doesn’t want to find a locked basement door, that we are afraid to open, lest He see the dingy, dank, ugly parts of our lives… the parts we are embarrassed about. It doesn’t matter that He already knows them. I know that I still don’t want Him to see those, or have those areas exposed to the light of day.

So, part of this sifting out process I am going through is helping me find areas of my life that are not surrendered to Him, to my Jesus. And if He is to be my Lord, that means letting Him have full control.

Like the lord of a manor, He has the keys to every room, and has the authority to go into every room in the manor and see what is there, and clean out what He doesn’t want. He has the authority to open the windows and fling wide the doors so that fresh air can wash through the rooms that have been closed for so long they smell musty and are full of dust and dirt that have covered unsightly things for so long.
The thing is, I have to surrender to the Lord of the manor. I need to stop fighting Him in every hallway, at every door. Slowly He has been convincing me to let go of things, and allow Him access to different areas of my life.

Recently Jesus opened a door that I had slammed shut months ago and refused to ever visit again, because there was an unwanted tenant there. But visit it again I did, but this time with Jesus walking in ahead of me, making it possible for me to see the problem and let Him deal with it… because I couldn’t evict the tenant in that room. He refused to budge, when I used my own strength. When Jesus came, there was no resisting His power, and that room is now clean, and filled with His Spirit and Light.

Through this sifting out of my heart, Jesus has been prompting me to deal with a few things. I am aware of them now, but I don’t exactly know what to do, now that I know. Hopefully Tricia will be able to help me tomorrow in counseling to see what to do next. Here are the 3 things.

1. Need to Control. Based on fear of the future/unknowns. I don’t want another painful surprise, so I work on controlling all the things around me, so I don’t get surprised, so that I am prepared for all the possibilities in a situation.

2. Need to make a Choice between illness and health, captivity and freedom. Based on fear of no attention; the loss of people willing to be involved in my life if I am better, or loss of them if I stay stuck. I don’t want to be abandoned when more trouble might come my way.

3. Need to Cling to others. Based on a fear of isolation, that empty ache of being alone/loneliness. I don’t want to be ignored when something has happened (good or bad) or have a situation I need help with ignored.

I have noticed now this pattern over and over in my life. In every relationship, in every interaction, in every situation. I look for a way out, so I don’t feel trapped. I find myself trying to gain attention whether with correct attitudes and doing things well, or by bad choices and landing myself in bad situations. I find myself, in my fear of isolation and the empty ache that brings, clinging to those who show any compassion for me. So in the past I have burned out friendships through being too dependent, backed out of relationships that might have helped me because I start getting scared that I would be trapped, and made choices that either brought me freedom and momentary attention for the victory gained, or ones that brought me further bondage, because it brought me attention because I needed help getting free.

I hate this part of me. I know God wants to get rid of it, so that I can let Him have control, make the choices that He wants me to, and to cling to Him not other people.

There were some last scripture verses that hit me today that I want to share.

“Now the Lord is Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received a spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

Where the Spirit of God is, there is freedom. Freedom from fear, freedom in knowing we are taken care of by a Daddy God who loves us immeasurably.

Where the spirit of the enemy is, there is fear, bondage, and death.

So am I going to make the choice to surrender these 3 areas to God? I know what I should do. I know what I need to do.

Am I willing?

If I want to reflect the Lord’s glory, and be transformed in His likeness, I need to be.

Things broken...

Hi there,

I have a huge prayer request.

A very good friend and neighbor, Kim, who has helped me through a lot of the things going on in my life was outside yesterday, on a ladder, either washing a window or painting the trim around it, when she lost her balance and fell off the ladder. She said to me today that “the problem wasn’t the fall off the ladder, it was the landing on the bricks that was the issue.”

She literally shattered her ankle. She had a compound fracture, and at least 11 bones broken in her ankle/foot area. She had to go in for surgery to get the bones put back together and pinned into place the best they could. Right now she has external bars, screwed into her leg to keep everything in place. When things heal enough, those will be removed, and screws will be put in, internally.

She is at great risk for infection, particularly infection in the bones because of the compound fracture.

I saw her today and they have her on oxygen because her O2 stats were down too low last night. She is on a morphine pump that she can push a button to give herself more as needed for pain. They are trying different medication to help control the pain.

She just looked really rough, and though they said that they are going to try to get her home tomorrow, she really doesn’t look like she should go home yet. If she does go home, I really don’t think that she should be alone. Her husband works during the day, and really can’t afford to miss much work, and her teenage son still has school for a couple more weeks.

If she does come home this week, I can manage to be there with her, because Dave is home with the kids Tuesday through Thursday, as long as her husband is willing for me to be there.

Please pray for her. My heart is just aching for her. She is a sweet Christian lady, and a real inspiration to me. I feel like she is part of my own family, she is that dear to me. My kids call her Grandma B. and she considers them her adopted grand-kids.

Please pray that their church family will jump in and help provide meals, and rides to doctors, and grocery shopping, sitting with her, just anything that she needs. I want to help as much as I can, however with 2 small kids and a husband of my own, there is only so much I can do.

Please, Please pray for Kim, and her family. Pray for quick healing, little pain, and that she will be able to accept help from others, which I know will be hard for her. Even help doing the laundry, dishes, cleaning bathrooms, etc. Thank you so much for those of you who faithfully pray for me. Please add her to your prayer lists as well.

God bless you all.

Sifted like wheat...

I have been reading among other things, a book by Beth Moore, entitled “When Godly People Do UnGodly Things.” I have been slowly working my way through it a chapter at a time. The other day I hit the chapter talking about God’s permissive will.

She started talking about both Job and Peter. In both cases Satan had to ask permission from God to wage war on someone with whole-hearted, sincere and pure devotion to God. Why would God allow Satan some license in our lives? Why would He want us to suffer under attack from the enemy?

Beth says, “Who’s to say when things really get tough that we, and countless other believers, have not momentarily been chosen to prove faithful to God?” (pg 85)

Through facing the giants in my life, through all of us facing the trials and struggles and the oppressions, God will show us and the enemy, He will prove that we really are for God.
After Peter claimed that Jesus was the Messiah, he then turned and rebuked Jesus for saying He was going to die on the cross. Jesus said at that point that Satan had asked for permission to sift Peter like wheat. But Jesus said that He prayed for Peter, that his faith wouldn’t fail.

“Satan had to attain permission to move outside his usual perimeters and launch a full-scale attack on one of God’s children… First, we see that Satan can and does seek permission to launch excessive attacks on the children of God. Second, we see that God can and sometimes does grand Satan such permission.” (pg. 89)

Beth proposed that God tested both Peter and Job were tested by God through Satan. He uses our enemy to test us. God wants to refine us like gold. Gold can only be refined in fire. That means being burned. Burning is painful, not pleasant. We all undergo some form of refining. Hopefully not all of us by being directly assaulted by the enemy to the extent that Job was. But Beth put forward the point, what if we are subject to being tested like Peter… sifting.

“Only one reason exists why God would give Satan permission to sift a dearly loved, devoted disciple of Jesus Christ: because something needs sifting.” (pg. 90)

If you are feeling attacked, pushed to the end of your rope, look inside as I have been. Are there things there (as I have found for myself) that need sifting out? Is Jesus allowing a time of struggle and sifting in your life to sanctify you to fulfill your calling… your calling from Him?

I know God is sifting me. In the past few days I have been pushed to see some of the things going on in me since the hospital. I feel that during the preceding 4-5 days, the enemy stepped up his attack against me, clouded my mind, and got me to the point of not only seeing darkness, but feeling it like this heavy weight, to the point I could hardly see straight or breathe.

It landed me in the hospital.

And starting in the hospital is where the attack lessened, and I could start to see things again. God brought me to a point where I couldn’t pray on my own. The Spirit had to pray for me, I didn’t have the words or will. And His Spirit knew what I needed, and prayed for what I needed.

Since then God has brought to mind a few specific things through one counseling session, through some books, through the bible, and through some deep times of prayer and reflection. I can see that through this experience, these few things wouldn’t have come to the surface very easily, or with such clarity and visibility to me. It would have been a much harder struggle to see them, and to give them up to Him.

Now I am going to start working on eliminating what was sifted.

As Beth said in her book,
“In His severe and loving mercy, in ways I’ll never fully understand, God used the darkness to chase out my darkness, then filled the emptied vessel with light. No matter how many years, I still have the conscious thought almost every day, so this is how it feels to be free. What Satan meant for evil, my faithful God meant for good.
Beloved, are you being sifted? Has God permitted the enemy to launch a full-scale attack against you? God knows what He’s doing. He isn’t looking the other way, and He’s not being mean to you. Maybe this is the only way He can get you to attend to the old so He can do something new. Grab onto Him for dear life! Give Him full reign to remove anything in you that needs to go. Hasten the end of the process. Sift, dear one. Sift!” (pg. 96-97)

I am beginning to see how I have been sifted. How I am being sifted. I choose to participate in the process and deal with the old stuff so that He can do something new in me, and use me in a new way. So that I can do something new for Him that the old has been blocking me from.
Will you sift with me?

NOTE: All quotes in this post were taken from “When Godly People Do UnGodly Things,” by Beth Moore. (c) 2002. Published by Broadman & Holman Publishers, Nashville, Tennessee.

Espresso drinks and normal?

Espresso drinks and normal?
Posted by hkudla under Books, Emotions, Family, Heart, Thoughts (edit this)

Today was just a nice day. The kids got me up earlier by far than I wanted to, but Dave was home with me all day, so that was OK.
We hosted our small group tonight from church, so I finished cleaning the house as much as I could this morning. Then I had to run out to get some last minute groceries. Well, you have to know what happened then….

I asked Dave if he would be ok with the kids if I went out. I wanted to go to Beatitudes (our local coffee shop/bookstore that does incredible gourmet lunches) and then grocery shopping… being the WONDERFUL, SWEET husband that he is… he told me to go for it. I could hardly get ready fast enough!!!
I grabbed a couple of books, my bible and journal, my purse and grocery list and scrammed before anyone could change their mind.
Beatitudes is a bit of heaven for me. It really is. I walk in there and relax immediately. I don’t know if it is the coffee house jazz music playing, or the smell of the coffee, or the new book smell (always a heavenly one for me since I was a kid…) or maybe it is a combo of all 3. That place just has a sense of peace and this calming effect on my heart, every time I walk in there.
Today was no exception. Even though they were getting crushed by their lunch rush (that happened out of nowhere) I felt that I was moving at a slower pace. I didn’t care that the first 5 minutes I was there, I had to wait till someone was free from making drinks to take my order. I just looked around and took in the sights and sounds, listened to the murmured conversations and sprinkling of laughter.
When I was able to order, it was an iced breve… that is 2 shots of espresso over ice, a splash of hazelnut, and caramel, and top it off with half and half… ok, so its not exactly in the low carb diet plan that I have been trying, but neither was the AMAZING panini I had for lunch either! There is no going wrong there.
I sat down with my drink at a table in the corner, and started to read. Not much more than a few minutes later, I got a tap on my shoulder and there was Cindy! I totally didn’t expect to see her, because she had told me that she had loads to do that day at home. But she had to come into town for a meeting, and stopped by the coffee shop to have lunch with her husband and some friends. We chatted a few minutes, and then it was back to reading and eating and journaling.
By the time I got home with the groceries, I was jazzed on the caffeine, and the kids were in bed. I was able to do some more journaling and processing… but I am saving that for a later post maybe.
Peter got up first, and came and climbed on me (so much for writing and reading) and then he helped Marina get out of her room (she can’t open the door yet herself)… So pretty soon it was a pile of kids and cats on mom… on the love seat of course… not the couch where there is more room!! The love seat… meant for at most 2 people, or in our house, one person and one cat. Usually just one cat.
We had our whole small group together tonight. And it was so nice. One of the couples had been out east in Connecticut for the funeral of her father. I hadn’t seen them for almost 2 weeks now. It was wonderful to catch up, and just get into each others lives again.
And you know what else? It was nice to feel almost normal with them again. I didn’t feel like I was hiding anything, or putting on a “happy” facade, or putting on a “depressed” facade. I was just me. I was happy, and there were a couple of times I was melancholy. But it was OK. So what? I may be starting to hit some PMS mood swings, but you know? It’s OK. And I was OK.
That is HUGE after all I have been through in the last 2 weeks. Because it was 2 weeks ago tonight that I started going down hill, and ended up in the hospital 3 days later.
I told my family (because that is what our small group is, my family) that the weekend that I went into the hospital is so foggy. I can tell them sequentially what happened.. but it feels like it is all a fog. It’s really weird how that is. I don’t understand it. The only way I can explain it is that I feel like someone was clouding my mind, clouding my thinking, keeping me from thinking clearly… under attack, I suppose.
Anyway, back to my point that today felt good. Really good. Even though I am stressed about playing piano for worship team this week, and have some things that I think God is pointing out to focus my energy on next, I am starting to understand what “normal” feels like. What an amazing thing to feel functional, more than functional, and capable of taking care of my family and kids.
God has given me the gifts He has, to raise our kids, love and honor my husband, minister to others, and to live my life in the victory He desires me to. Though many times I don’t feel free, I am and I know that I have to claim that freedom. Today was a taste of it, even amidst some mild mood swings, and cranky kids. I had a taste of what normal might be like, and what freedom could bring.
I want more.
(more of that iced breve too, by the way!!!!)

Trust in His love...

I came across something in Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning, after Tricia and I talked on Tuesday. It seemed to pick up right where we left off on one of the images I had. It gave me more insight into my struggle.

“The grace to let go and let God be God flows from trust in His boundless love. Yet, many of us find it exceedingly difficult to trust. Only love empowers the leap in trust, the courage to risk everything on Jesus, the readiness to move into the darkness guided only by a pillar of fire. Trust clings to the belief that whatever happens in our lives is designed to teach us holiness.” (selections from pg. 117, boldface mine)

That reminds me of my session with Tricia talking about following that pillar of fire. It was almost my exact words… I truly didn’t read them until after the session. It was a God thing.
But that is it. Trust.

To take that leap in trust that He will catch me, to trust that His love is enough to catch me and cover me. To trust enough to quit asking for tangible, touchable proof of His love. To let go of my craving for physical expressions of love, from God and others, that is real trust.

And what better way to show His love for me (us), than to take all my (our) sins, all the separations, loss, broken heartedness, rejections, abandonment, betrayals, and every wound of my spirit (and yours) on His own shoulders, carry them to Calvary, and shed His blood to cover and heal them all? How could I possibly, in the light of that, ask for more proof of His love? What more could He give, after giving His very life?

How many times have I resisted the love of God? How many times have I resisted accepting the love of God because I didn’t deserve it? Of course I didn’t, and don’t. That is what grace is all about! I may not be who I want to be, or have done what I wanted or intended. I may be weighed down by false guilt. I may have failed, I may not be happy but I am accepted and held in Christ’s nail scarred hands.

To accept that gift of grace, to respond to that outpouring of His love, requires and maybe demands that trust.

When I am able to move beyond the head knowledge of Jesus’ love for me, to the heart knowledge of His love for me… then my trust grows. Then I know and believe with all my heart, soul, mind and strength that He loves me and HIS LOVE FOR ME WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! Then it is easy to trust, and to love Him back with everything that I am. Then I don’t reject His forgiveness, and I can forgive myself.

This connects back to my last post as well. When I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death, if I fully trust God, I can thank Him for anything I am experiencing. I can surrender myself completely to His hands, knowing I am held in His arms, on His lap, and that He is keeping me safe. It doesn’t feel safe. It hurts, it is painful, but through it all God is teaching me something. God is using me somehow. God is preparing me for something in the future, that is more than I could ever ask or imagine.

“The love of Christ inspires trust to thank God for the nagging headache, the arthritis that is so painful, the spiritual darkness that envelops us; to say with Job, ‘If we take happiness from God’s hand, should we not take sorrow too?’ Job 2:10″ Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning, pg. 118

So today I choose to thank God for this “curse” as my mom viewed it, of depression, oppression, attack, anxiety, hurt, pain… because someday I will be able to say with David, in Psalm 30;

“You have turned my mourning into dancing;
You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
To the end that my glory my sing praise to You and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever.” (vs. 11-12)

NOTE: Much of these thoughts, if you couldn’t tell by all the quotes, have come from reading Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning; particularly Chapter 6, pgs. 104-121. Get this book and read it! It is incredible. It has helped me to look at the gospel of grace in a different way than ever before. It has helped me apply scripture and truth to my life in ways I hadn’t before. God has used this book to show me the next step to take in correcting wrong thoughts and attitudes. Through study of scripture and this book as a companion, God is turning my heart evermore to Himself. Encouraging me to trust, to give myself grace, and accept His love.

Fear of the unknown...

“I am afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

Long pause…

“I am afraid of the future.”

“What do you mean, can you explain?”

“I am afraid of making the wrong choice, going the wrong way, of not knowing what to expect, so when I do make a choice, and it is wrong, then I am not good enough. I don’t meet expectations, of myself or of others or of God. I am afraid of failure; because I don’t know what is coming, I can’t anticipate it, or plan for it. I am afraid of what is coming up this week. Will I be able to handle being home now? Will I be able to handle the kids? Will I be able to do anything that is asked of me over the weekend? What are our plans for the week and weekend? How can I prepare if I don’t know? I guess I am crippled by the need to know.”

“To sum it all up, would you say you are afraid of the unknown?”

“Yes.”

Thus went part of my counseling session last week with Tricia, as best as I can remember it.
After that, we focused in on my fear of the unknown, and worked through the fear, to see what God had to say to me about it. As we talked, because I am very visual, I got a few images in my head.

One image:
Walking into the darkness stumbling and scared… then realizing something was ahead of me… I was following something… something moving ahead of me… creating a path for me… realizing it was a pillar of fire.

As I talked with Tricia about it, we both made the obvious connection to God leading the Israelites out of Egypt with a pillar of cloud by day, and a pillar of fire by night. Can you imagine how much that pillar of fire, God’s reminder of His presence with them, lit up the night sky, and showed them the way through the darkness of the wilderness?

If God was that pillar of fire, leading them… how much more is He leading me into the unknown, giving me light enough to see one step at a time in front of me? How much more is my Savior and God giving me just enough knowledge for the very moment I am in?

Another image:
Tucked under the covering feathers of God, sheltered under His wing… realizing again how dark it is under there… then it shifted to kneeling at the foot of the cross… covered not by the feathers of God, but the blood of Christ… flowing down over me, and washing me…

Again, Tricia and I talked about that. Not only is God leading me through the unknown and lighting my way, He has covered me with His blood. Any fear of not being good enough, making a mistake, a wrong choice, not being perfect… all the condemning thoughts that come with that… washed away.

I am following God into the wilderness of the unknown. He is blazing the trail before me. He is bringing others alongside me to cheer me on and encourage me. He has made a path for me. He makes me lie down in green pastures at times to rest, and leads be beside the still waters. He restores my soul. But then we move on, back down that path into the wilderness, one step at a time.

That path.

I follow in that path; the path of righteousness He leads me in, for His names sake; making choices along the way, zigzagging back and forth, but hopefully not straying off the path. Those choices are mine, that I am free to make. And if I step into a pot hole in the path He was trying to lead me around, I have to deal with the consequences for a time. But He heals me, His rod and staff, they comfort me.

Along that path at times there have been points, and will be again I suspect, where I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. Though I have felt alone; though I have felt abandoned; I need not fear any evil, for He is with me.

My focus has to be, not on the valley, not on the darkness of the wilderness, but one defining hope. Goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Our pastor talked about that this past Sunday. All of creation is groaning. We are groaning, aching for the day when things will be put right. Our hope to keep going through the valley (the groan) is the hope set before us. Fixing our eyes on Jesus, our Hope, our Savior. We will be with Him in glory, in heaven, forever.

We may be in the muck and mire now, but He leads us out of that. And as one of my friends says, with every little victory we have in overcoming the enemy, setting aside something that hinders us, tearing down a stronghold, persevering through pain, and coming out on the other side… There will be dancing in the streets! Rejoicing, surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, cheering us on, and dancing with us!

Yes, there is fear of the unknown still lurking in my heart, but hope is there as well. It WILL overcome the darkness. I WILL come out on the other side.

AND SO WILL YOU! Don’t be discouraged! Don’t give in! Don’t give up! You can do it! I can do it! We can do it together, walking arm in arm, and dancing in the streets together with every victory, be it big or small!

The storm...

How do I describe what has happened over this past week?

Last Sunday to this Sunday has been a night and day difference.

God has done something major in my heart since then. As I am watching the first thunderstorm of the summer coming in right now, it seems fitting to liken it to a thunderstorm.

Last week I felt all foggy, lethargic, and unable to focus. Much like it is before a storm, the stillness in the air, the humidity, the impending disaster…

Then the storm hit over last weekend. I felt assaulted on all sides, unable to think, unable to claim my thoughts captive. I couldn’t even pray and ask God for help. I felt like the storm had taken down all my lines of communication.

When I went to church last Sunday, the storm was at it’s worst. When the service was done a good friend could see my distress, though I was really trying to hide it, and took me somewhere quiet to talk. After talking with me she wasn’t convinced that if she let me go home that I would be safe.

I was in so much pain that I was frustrated at the time. Because all I wanted to do was leave. All I wanted to do was end the pain, yet I am grateful to her for listening to God’s Spirit speaking to her heart.

After an hour of prayer with the leaders of my small group, and some consultation with my counselor, I gave in to their encouragement to be assessed by the emergency department at our local hospital. My friend drove me there, and stayed with me through the whole process. In between doctors and nurses going in and out, she sat by my side, held my hand, held me and cried with me, prayed with me, read scripture to me through tears.

The end result was admission to the hospital, the same place I was back in October.

When I woke in the morning, after only about 4 and a half hours of sleep, I couldn’t believe that I was back there again. I felt alone, drained, tired, and despairing. I couldn’t read the bible, couldn’t pray… as I have mentioned in my previous post. All I wanted to do was stay curled in that bed and cry.

But. God. He started working. I don’t even know how, but he started working a song into my head… that I couldn’t get out all day. I could only remember the chorus.

“All of you is more than enough for all of me,
For every purpose and every need;
You satisfy me with Your love,
And all I have in You is more than enough.”
(Chris Tomlin - “Enough”)

I heard the song only 2-3 times prior to entering the hospital. So, I know now, looking back, that God planted that song in my head.

Through that day, through the other people there, God spoke. I received use of my laptop, so I was able to send out emails for prayer support. Being able to write, feeling the joy that filled my heart as I did so, gave me a confirmation that I need to write somehow. I felt like God was telling me that I needed to share my pain, struggles and victories with others. To give others the hope that I am starting to see now.

By the end of the night, I was able to pray, read scripture… the restoration of that was an incredible freeing of my heart!

The next morning I was left in charge of deciding if I was going to discharge myself, and go to my counselor appointment. Though it was tough, I made the choice to leave. It was good to be able to see Tricia, and have her help me work through some things so that I could come out of her office more stable than I went in.

After that, it was like the clean, cool air that sweeps in at the tail end of the storms. Slowly through the rest of the week, that cool breath of air, the breath of the Spirit sweeping through my head and heart, cleared my mind, heart, and soul.

Friday, I went back to my counselor’s office, and through meeting with her again another theme came up. Not only has God used that song “Enough” in my life through the week, but God has used many sources to speak to my heart about forgiveness.

He used my quiet time earlier in the week. He used Kimberly at “A Planting of the Lord” speaking about forgiveness in her post. He used Joyat “Ponderings” by having her send me an email about forgiveness. He used my counselor, Tricia by having her give me a hand out on forgiveness.

Hmmm, forgiveness.

“Really God? FORGIVENESS???”

“Yes, forgiveness,” said God.

Somewhere, somehow through this storm this week, God has softened my heart. He made me realize that I needed to forgive. He showed me that even though I could feel the emotions of pain at the hurt inflicted, I still could forgive… let go of the cold emotions and the bitterness that has bound me, and this other person for so long.

What freedom it brings to have forgiven, and to have verbalized that forgiveness to the other person! Again, it doesn’t mean that I might not grieve over things, or that I might not experience the feelings of pain again, but at least I won’t be holding on to the bitterness. Not anymore. And if the enemy tries to bring it up again, I can look at Friday and say, “No, I forgave and I will not be drawn into bitterness again.”

And this Sunday, I was able to stand up in church, and sing, leading the congregation in praising God that He is truly more than enough for all of me… I was able to freely stand, and freely worship, in a way I haven’t been able to in a long time.

The storm came, the storm blew through… and God, my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer, lifted me out of the slimy pit and set my feet upon the rock.

May I continue to cling to Him and trust in His deliverance, His faithfulness, His trustworthiness, His love… I choose to trust that He is always with me, and will always work things for good in my life… even the bad stuff. I have to trust that He will bring me through this.

I am not out yet. But I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is getting brighter.

Other struggles stand in my way,
but if God can get me through this far,
He can get me the rest of the way.

Brokenness and Grace...

“To be alive is to be broken; to be broken is to stand in need of grace. It is only through grace that any of us could dare to hope that we could become more like Christ.” Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, pg. 86

Recently I have been broken. And I have stood in need of grace. The grace of God to get through. I don’t know that I can share the details now, they are too painful and too close. This weekend and early week has been devastating in many ways. It feels like the pieces of my heart, that were being healed together (see HERE) got shattered even more. The big piece that has been in Jesus hands as He has been working it into my heart, to heal, feels like it is tearing things to ribbons.

Maybe Jesus is healing that piece into my heart. And what comes now is the grieving and forgiving. To get wholly healed and pliable in His hands, don’t we need to be able to grieve through our losses, but to also forgive to let go of that pain? Then we can be truly used. That is when we fall to our knees in desperate pain. That is when we know we are truly alive. On our knees, on our faces before God, broken and fully aware of that brokenness… we are truly alive. Because we know that only by God’s grace can we stand up again. Only the grace God gives us, to heal us, fill our emptiness, flesh out our bones, will make us become more like Christ.

This weekend was about falling flat on my face and falling apart because I couldn’t do it on my own anymore. I couldn’t hold together the facade of everything being alright, when it wasn’t. I couldn’t stand the pain of what God is trying to do in my life, and I just wanted it to all stop.

And stop it did. I stopped. I found myself flat on my face, in an unexpected place. Unable to move. Unable to breathe. Just hurt, scared, trembling, awash with emotions that I couldn’t deal with.

God brought me to the point of realizing that I am incredibly angry with Him for allowing things into my life that never had to be. He could have prevented them. He chose not to. I don’t know why. Just realizing and admitting to myself that I am angry with Him took my breath away, and even my will to live.

My faith was shaken to the very core. The pain has been so much a part of me for so long, that to finally let some of it out, nearly drove me over the edge, but for a few close friends who could see what was going on. This pain is in the process of being let out, and slowly grieved through. God is giving me grace when I so desperately need it, so that I can continue on this journey, this journey towards healing, and forgiveness. Full and total forgiveness, with no holds barred. I am not there yet. But I am closer.

This weekend with my faith so shaken, I couldn’t pray; I just cried. I couldn’t read the bible; I just cried. I couldn’t even yell at God; I just cried.

I explained to someone that I was fearful that I was losing my faith. All of these things I have felt and experienced have brought it down to a faith issue with me. I feet all alone, left alone by God, because of my anger at Him, and because I have distanced myself from God the Father.

This person, whom I deeply respect, quoted part of a verse to me, “Faith is the evidence of things unseen.”

I kept thinking, “Faith, the evidence of things unseen?! My faith is the evidence or proof of things that are not seen, things like God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, truth, grace, love? I sure am not doing a good job of being living proof, when I can’t even pray, when the faith I thought I had in God feels like it is completely gone!!”

She continued on to talk to me about how I felt so completely alone, and that my faith was gone. She reminded me that feelings can be very powerful, but I don’t have to do what the feelings seem to be telling me. I don’t have to believe what the feelings may be telling me. If I am feeling abandoned by God because of other situations, even if that feeling is overwhelming, I don’t need to be ruled by it.

I guess that is where faith comes in. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I am still struggling with my faith. I still feel very alone at times. I am not far enough away from the events of this weekend yet. Even so, I can see that God has worked and moved in my life amazingly. He took me from a heap of brokenness on the floor in the morning, to being able to stand by His grace, and touch someone else’s life through reading scripture and praying with that person, by the evening of the same day.

I found the entire verse after searching for a while today:

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

My faith wavers like a little flame that is trembling on the edge of going out. Yet God has used it, even in my brokenness. He gave me grace. And through that grace, I looked a little bit more like Christ to that person, who God touched through me… a broken vessel.

I am so fearful. Of the future, of the might be’s, of the unknowns that come in this world. I can’t control them, and I am afraid. I can’t be perfect all the time, and I am afraid. I am afraid that not being in control, and not being perfect means that I am not good enough, that I am insignificant and can never get anything right.

BUT…
“Who shall separate you from the love of Christ? What are you afraid of?
Are you afraid that your weakness could separate you from the love of Christ? It can’t.
Are you afraid that your inadequacies could separate you from the love of Christ? They can’t
Are you afraid that your inner poverty could separate you from the love of Christ? It can’t.
Difficult marriage, loneliness, anxiety over the children’s future? They can’t.
Negative self-image? It can’t.
Economic hardship, racial hatred, street crime? They can’t.
Rejection by loved ones or the suffering of loved ones? They can’t.
Persecution by authorities, going to jail? They can’t.
Nuclear war? It can’t.
Mistakes, fears, uncertainties? They can’t.
The gospel of grace calls out: Nothing can ever separate you from the love of God made visible in Christ Jesus our Lord.
You must be convinced of this, trust it, and never forget to remember. Everything else will pass away, but the love of Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. Faith will become vision, hope will become possession, but the love of Jesus Christ that is stronger than death, endures forever. In the end, it is the one thing you can hang onto.” Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel, pg 86-87

What more can I say? Can I stand in faith this weekend, in front of church, and sing “You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You, is more than enough?”

My God give me the grace to stand, in spite of the brokenness, and look a little more like Christ. Even through the tears of pain, knowing You could have prevented this, help me to worship You, who you are, and praise you in the midst of the pain and loss. Oh Jesus, fill me with your joy, and make my joy complete in You. Wipe away the despair that nothing will change. Instead, fill me with Your faith that is the substance of hope, and the evidence of things not seen. Guard me and guide me. Help me to sing and lead in worship others who may be hurting as much or more than I am. Help me to be transparent in my brokenness, so that Christ may be seen through those cracks. As you have shown me in many ways, my legacy is brokenness, so that Your grace and love and strength may be shown to others, that it is not by my strength I stand, but by Your might. May that be evident this weekend. Cover me with Your feathers and I will take refuge under Your wing. Even when it hurts. Amen.

I have to trust...

I have been going through a Beth Moore devotional on the life of King David. About a week ago, we started hitting the point in his life when he sinned with Bathsheba. We discovered all the ways that he first of all put himself in danger of sinning, then the ways he tried to cover it up, and then finally his reaction when he was confronted with his sin.

I wonder how many times we quench our consciences, the Spirit of God speaking to our hearts, and instead do what we want to because it is easier? It was so much easier for David to stay at home, rather than gear up for war, and head out into the field. It was so much easier to ask his servants who that woman was, than to turn his mind to the wives he already had in the palace with him. It was easy to let his mind wander into paths that were wrong thinking, when this woman that he saw was the wife of another man. It was easier on his pride to cover up what he had done, and get Bathsheba’s husband killed, than to confess it openly and ask forgiveness.

However, I was so caught by David’s reaction when the prophet Nathan confronted him. David immediately said that he had sinned against the Lord. (2 Sam. 12:13) Then when he was told that the child Bathsheba had born was going to die, and it was struck with a deathly illness, David prostrated himself before God. He wept and fasted and spent his nights lying on the ground.

When the child did die, David got up and ate and cleansed himself. No one understood, but David said it was because he hoped that while the child was still alive God might relent. Now that the child was gone, nothing could bring it back, not even his mourning for it. It makes sense. Once something is gone, there is no way you can get it back. David probably did continue to mourn the loss of his child. There is no parent I can think of that could ever go through the loss of a child without mourning it’s loss for a long time. But David knew that one day he would be with his child, that he would go to his child, though it could never come back to him. (2 Sam. 12:22-23)

In the study, it brought the point home that had David not experienced this time of extreme pleading and weeping and fasting before the Lord, he wouldn’t have been in a place to comfort Bathsheba later (2 Sam. 12:24). His pleading brought him to a place of complete dependence on God, which is where God wants us all to be… dependent upon Him alone. One of the many quotes from Beth Moore that I love follows.

David’s restored relationship to God enabled him to comfort his grieving wife. When tragedy hits, if we cast ourselves on the Savior and rely on Him for the very breath we draw, we will one day get up again. We will even have the strength to comfort another mourner.
pg. 296

Beth Moore talked briefly about how it might have looked when David fell on his face before God, and not only pleaded for his child’s life, but also just plain worshipped God. What was it like when he finally returned to public worship of his God? She asked a question of us as we walked through the study.

Have you ever returned to the Lord in worship after a painful loss that you believe He could have stopped? If so, you may view your return to worship as one of the most difficult and painful experiences of life. I suspect David would concur, but his return restored his sanity.
pg. 296

I thought about that. What painful loss have I suffered, after which I returned to worship? To worship a God who I knew could have prevented the pain I was experiencing?

Most recently, a loss that ended up driving me to a week long stay at the hospital, still has me in pain almost every time I go to worship. When I hear or sing certain worship songs about who God is, the all-knowing, all-loving God, it hurts deep inside because I know that He could have prevented my pain. I wrestle with the “why” questions. We may never know why something happened. I may never know “why” I needed to go through such pain. Why would a loving God allow all this in my life? Why I am going through such pain right now. Probably the more accurate question is “how?” How am I going to get through this? Am I going to do it on my own, using my own knowledge, my own coping mechanisms? Or am I going to allow the God, who let all the pain happen in the first place, to get me through this, and to heal me through this? I am still struggling. I don’t know the answer.

All I know is the first month out of the hospital, and back at church, in public, corporate worship, I couldn’t sit anywhere but the very back of the church; where I could escape out to the lobby to regroup and calm myself down. I cried and sobbed through every worship song, trying to sing, but unable to, because of the heavy burden on my heart, trying to stand up, but finding it impossible because of the grieving I was going through. As I look at it now, I can see the anger I had (and sometimes still have) towards God for letting this stuff happen to me. The things that put me in the hospital, the depression, and other things in my life that contributed to it, that contributed to my getting to the point of wanting to commit murder… wanting to commit suicide.

I hate admitting that I am angry at God. It makes me feel like a fool, and a failure as a Christian. Yet at the same time, I have to be honest. Somehow I have to cling to the hope that God, my Jesus, will get me through this. Somehow. I don’t know what He will do. I don’t know who He might help through me… whether it be through these rantings and ravings on my blog, or in person (!!!) I just have to trust that He has a plan. If He kept me alive, then He has to have a plan for me, or this is all for nothing. And I don’t think that I could bear all of this being for nothing.

I don’t know where this thread of hope comes from. My friends can be with me, encouraging me, and praying for me and lifting me up before the throne of God above… but when I am alone is when it all really counts. Somewhere deep inside there is a part of me that wants to believe that there is a purpose here, even when I am despairing. Something inside wants to believe that there is a reason that I am going through all of this, and that whether I see it or not, my experiences may be helping someone else. Maybe I will never know how. I guess, in the end, I really don’t need to. That is the hardest thing about all of this.

I just have to trust.

It sounds so easy doesn’t it. It sounds like a platitude. But it isn’t.

I have to trust.
Or there is no hope, and then life is meaningless.
I have to trust.
Or there is nothing to hang onto.
I have to trust.
Or maybe death is the only way out, because life is worthless.
I have to trust.

I can’t believe that this pain is all there is.

I HAVE TO TRUST