Tuesday, June 3, 2008


Today as I was reading and praying, I was thinking about what God wanted to sift out of my heart, so that He could fill me further and use me more. I came across the following verse in the Bible.

“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him…” 1 Corinthians 2:9

I don’t know what the future is. There is no way for me to know. Anything I could imagine falls unbelievably short of what God has prepared for me. All I have to do is surrender.

Ah, that word.

That’s a tough one now, isn’t it. God doesn’t want to see rooms in our hearts that have “Do not enter” signs on them. He doesn’t want to find a locked basement door, that we are afraid to open, lest He see the dingy, dank, ugly parts of our lives… the parts we are embarrassed about. It doesn’t matter that He already knows them. I know that I still don’t want Him to see those, or have those areas exposed to the light of day.

So, part of this sifting out process I am going through is helping me find areas of my life that are not surrendered to Him, to my Jesus. And if He is to be my Lord, that means letting Him have full control.

Like the lord of a manor, He has the keys to every room, and has the authority to go into every room in the manor and see what is there, and clean out what He doesn’t want. He has the authority to open the windows and fling wide the doors so that fresh air can wash through the rooms that have been closed for so long they smell musty and are full of dust and dirt that have covered unsightly things for so long.
The thing is, I have to surrender to the Lord of the manor. I need to stop fighting Him in every hallway, at every door. Slowly He has been convincing me to let go of things, and allow Him access to different areas of my life.

Recently Jesus opened a door that I had slammed shut months ago and refused to ever visit again, because there was an unwanted tenant there. But visit it again I did, but this time with Jesus walking in ahead of me, making it possible for me to see the problem and let Him deal with it… because I couldn’t evict the tenant in that room. He refused to budge, when I used my own strength. When Jesus came, there was no resisting His power, and that room is now clean, and filled with His Spirit and Light.

Through this sifting out of my heart, Jesus has been prompting me to deal with a few things. I am aware of them now, but I don’t exactly know what to do, now that I know. Hopefully Tricia will be able to help me tomorrow in counseling to see what to do next. Here are the 3 things.

1. Need to Control. Based on fear of the future/unknowns. I don’t want another painful surprise, so I work on controlling all the things around me, so I don’t get surprised, so that I am prepared for all the possibilities in a situation.

2. Need to make a Choice between illness and health, captivity and freedom. Based on fear of no attention; the loss of people willing to be involved in my life if I am better, or loss of them if I stay stuck. I don’t want to be abandoned when more trouble might come my way.

3. Need to Cling to others. Based on a fear of isolation, that empty ache of being alone/loneliness. I don’t want to be ignored when something has happened (good or bad) or have a situation I need help with ignored.

I have noticed now this pattern over and over in my life. In every relationship, in every interaction, in every situation. I look for a way out, so I don’t feel trapped. I find myself trying to gain attention whether with correct attitudes and doing things well, or by bad choices and landing myself in bad situations. I find myself, in my fear of isolation and the empty ache that brings, clinging to those who show any compassion for me. So in the past I have burned out friendships through being too dependent, backed out of relationships that might have helped me because I start getting scared that I would be trapped, and made choices that either brought me freedom and momentary attention for the victory gained, or ones that brought me further bondage, because it brought me attention because I needed help getting free.

I hate this part of me. I know God wants to get rid of it, so that I can let Him have control, make the choices that He wants me to, and to cling to Him not other people.

There were some last scripture verses that hit me today that I want to share.

“Now the Lord is Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received a spirit of sonship. And by Him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

Where the Spirit of God is, there is freedom. Freedom from fear, freedom in knowing we are taken care of by a Daddy God who loves us immeasurably.

Where the spirit of the enemy is, there is fear, bondage, and death.

So am I going to make the choice to surrender these 3 areas to God? I know what I should do. I know what I need to do.

Am I willing?

If I want to reflect the Lord’s glory, and be transformed in His likeness, I need to be.

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