Thursday, May 29, 2008

Espresso drinks and normal?

Espresso drinks and normal?
Posted by hkudla under Books, Emotions, Family, Heart, Thoughts (edit this)

Today was just a nice day. The kids got me up earlier by far than I wanted to, but Dave was home with me all day, so that was OK.
We hosted our small group tonight from church, so I finished cleaning the house as much as I could this morning. Then I had to run out to get some last minute groceries. Well, you have to know what happened then….

I asked Dave if he would be ok with the kids if I went out. I wanted to go to Beatitudes (our local coffee shop/bookstore that does incredible gourmet lunches) and then grocery shopping… being the WONDERFUL, SWEET husband that he is… he told me to go for it. I could hardly get ready fast enough!!!
I grabbed a couple of books, my bible and journal, my purse and grocery list and scrammed before anyone could change their mind.
Beatitudes is a bit of heaven for me. It really is. I walk in there and relax immediately. I don’t know if it is the coffee house jazz music playing, or the smell of the coffee, or the new book smell (always a heavenly one for me since I was a kid…) or maybe it is a combo of all 3. That place just has a sense of peace and this calming effect on my heart, every time I walk in there.
Today was no exception. Even though they were getting crushed by their lunch rush (that happened out of nowhere) I felt that I was moving at a slower pace. I didn’t care that the first 5 minutes I was there, I had to wait till someone was free from making drinks to take my order. I just looked around and took in the sights and sounds, listened to the murmured conversations and sprinkling of laughter.
When I was able to order, it was an iced breve… that is 2 shots of espresso over ice, a splash of hazelnut, and caramel, and top it off with half and half… ok, so its not exactly in the low carb diet plan that I have been trying, but neither was the AMAZING panini I had for lunch either! There is no going wrong there.
I sat down with my drink at a table in the corner, and started to read. Not much more than a few minutes later, I got a tap on my shoulder and there was Cindy! I totally didn’t expect to see her, because she had told me that she had loads to do that day at home. But she had to come into town for a meeting, and stopped by the coffee shop to have lunch with her husband and some friends. We chatted a few minutes, and then it was back to reading and eating and journaling.
By the time I got home with the groceries, I was jazzed on the caffeine, and the kids were in bed. I was able to do some more journaling and processing… but I am saving that for a later post maybe.
Peter got up first, and came and climbed on me (so much for writing and reading) and then he helped Marina get out of her room (she can’t open the door yet herself)… So pretty soon it was a pile of kids and cats on mom… on the love seat of course… not the couch where there is more room!! The love seat… meant for at most 2 people, or in our house, one person and one cat. Usually just one cat.
We had our whole small group together tonight. And it was so nice. One of the couples had been out east in Connecticut for the funeral of her father. I hadn’t seen them for almost 2 weeks now. It was wonderful to catch up, and just get into each others lives again.
And you know what else? It was nice to feel almost normal with them again. I didn’t feel like I was hiding anything, or putting on a “happy” facade, or putting on a “depressed” facade. I was just me. I was happy, and there were a couple of times I was melancholy. But it was OK. So what? I may be starting to hit some PMS mood swings, but you know? It’s OK. And I was OK.
That is HUGE after all I have been through in the last 2 weeks. Because it was 2 weeks ago tonight that I started going down hill, and ended up in the hospital 3 days later.
I told my family (because that is what our small group is, my family) that the weekend that I went into the hospital is so foggy. I can tell them sequentially what happened.. but it feels like it is all a fog. It’s really weird how that is. I don’t understand it. The only way I can explain it is that I feel like someone was clouding my mind, clouding my thinking, keeping me from thinking clearly… under attack, I suppose.
Anyway, back to my point that today felt good. Really good. Even though I am stressed about playing piano for worship team this week, and have some things that I think God is pointing out to focus my energy on next, I am starting to understand what “normal” feels like. What an amazing thing to feel functional, more than functional, and capable of taking care of my family and kids.
God has given me the gifts He has, to raise our kids, love and honor my husband, minister to others, and to live my life in the victory He desires me to. Though many times I don’t feel free, I am and I know that I have to claim that freedom. Today was a taste of it, even amidst some mild mood swings, and cranky kids. I had a taste of what normal might be like, and what freedom could bring.
I want more.
(more of that iced breve too, by the way!!!!)

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