Right now, the hardest thing for me is eating. Just the smell of food makes my stomach turn, so the thought of eating is even harder. As we talked today in the office, as I mentioned on my Prayer Request page, she thinks that we have pinpointed one of the main things that I have been struggling with. I have had all these traumas in the past, and for the most part, dealt with them. But coming out of those traumas, were lies that I started to believe about myself, leading to a lot of self hate. And tapping in to some of the things we did on Friday, caused me to hit a wall, because up to that point, I didn’t have a name for what it was. Now I do, and it is very scary for me to admit.
So I guess another prayer request going out here. I have 2 days until I see my counselor again. Either God is going to have to move mightily to help stabilize my emotions and anxiety enough that I don’t have to keep that appointment and can wait until next Wednesday… or just work enough to keep me stable until my appointment Friday. When I left the office, she told me that she would be glad to see me Friday if I needed it, but if I found that I was doing OK, then she would see me the following Wednesday. She prayed with me at the end of our appointment and gave me a huge hug. She said that she felt she came on pretty strong a couple of times, but she was saying stuff that I needed to hear, to give me purpose and a hope. She also asked me at the end how I was doing, and I just looked at her and said, “I don’t know.” She said, “I have a feeling that you are just about as emotionally fragile as you were last Friday.” She also gave me an assignment. She asked me if I had some time before needing to be home, and I did… so she told me to go somewhere in town, and find something small to eat. Just to eat a little, and if I wanted, journal… but she was wanting me to take the time to take care of myself before I headed back home to the kids and Dave. At the time I didn’t realize it, but it was one way for her to get me on the first step to showing myself some love… getting me to start to take care of myself.
This is going to be a long painful process. Learning to replace all the lies (and discovering them) with the Truth of God’s word. See if some of these lies sound familiar to you, that you may believe as well. I am a mistake. I have no worth. My opinions, concerns don’t matter, I have no voice. I have no purpose. I deserve to die. I am no good. No one would notice if I were gone. People would be better off without me. I am unlovable. I am dirty. I am alone. There is no hope for me. I am evil. These are just some of the ones I could think of off the top of my head. Not all of them apply to me, at least not right now. Some of them are ones that I have started to tackle. Some are ones that I haven’t been able to face yet. Some of them have really turned into strongholds in my life, and are going to be extremely hard to remove.
There are two scripture verses my counselor left me with. The first she started the session with. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” She used it as a reminder for both of us. Because she reminded me that she isn’t perfect either and had a really hard morning, and was pretty emotionally stirred up inside, and didn’t feel adequate for the job of counseling today. The other was one that she wanted me to repeat a bunch of times on the way home. “Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world.” She said, “I know that the battle we are fighting here, is not just emotional, or biological, but it is spiritual as well. And the enemy really wants to get in there and accuse and condemn and tempt you.” Even in the middle of the night when I wake up, I need to be able to recognize the accusing thoughts and start verbally saying the truth… God is in me, He has chosen me, He has adopted me, He has sealed me with the Holy Spirit… all for the praise of His glory. (some verses paraphrased from Ephesians chapter one)
“Behold what manner of love the Father has given to us, that we may be called children of God.” 1 John 3:1
It sounds too good to be true doesn’t it? The Father God, creator of the whole universe, loves us no matter what, and calls us His children, adopted through Christ, and co-inheritors with Him. It is something that I know in my head. But right now, I just can’t get my heart around that. I keep looking at myself through my eyes, not Gods. I keep seeing the junk in me, junk I have done, the things I am so ashamed of and I just don’t understand how God could possibly love me. Please pray for me as I go through this process, and I pray that you don’t have to learn these truths the hard way like me, but if you do, I pray that God will convince you of His presence with you and guide you to godly friends, counselors, doctors, or whom ever you need to get you through the process. I pray that you won’t have to go it alone. If I had, I would have never made it… not by myself…