Saturday, January 5, 2008

Crushed then lifted up...

Today started out rather interesting. I walked to a coffee shop/bookstore (Beatitudes) this morning to have lunch, coffee, and a bit of time alone with God. I was feeling extremely tired and low and anxious. When I opened up my bible, I ended up opening to Psalm 143:3.
“For the enemy has persecuted my soul; he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me dwell in darkness, like those who have long been dead. Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed withing me; my heart within me is distressed.”
It spoke directly to where I was at. That was exactly how I felt. I ended up browsing through the Psalms some more, but I kept getting more and more anxious. Then I remembered that my counselor had talked about how to take thoughts captive for Christ. She said that we can’t control the first thought that pops into our heads, but we can control what we do with it. We can walk down the road of the dark thoughts, but we need to picture that road coming to a “T” with a big stop sign there. We can’t continue down that path anymore of dark thinking, but we have to turn either right or left. We have to claim the blood of Christ in our lives, we have to turn our thoughts toward the things that are pure and lovely and righteous. We have to decide to follow Christ, to believe His truth about us. The problem is that we need to make that choice before we ever feel it. I don’t feel that God loves me all the time, I don’t feel that I am worth anything… but I HAVE to make the choice to believe what He says about me… that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. The REAL question is am I ready to make that choice?

I guess it is an hour by hour decision. By the time I was ready to leave the coffee shop, I had chosen to trust God for this day. I wrote at the end of my journaling today, asking God to give me the strength and compassion to get through the day to care for my sick children, and be a good wife. And then I wrote, “Help me to take a little time tonight to praise You for the things You will do in and through me the rest of this day.” I wrote that with a strange sense of expectation that God would work, and that He would move through me. I was amazed today, and kept recognizing that God was giving me the strength to deal with fussy children, and do what I needed to do to minister to my family. I purposely placed myself under the blood of Jesus, and under the cover of His wings. And I resolved to praise Him for the results.

God, my God, lifted me up. Even if the feelings are temporary, the Truth remains. He is the lifter of my head.

My prayer is that I will remember this tomorrow, and hour by hour, and day by day, and continue to choose to trust in my Lord and Savior. It has come to that point for me. I need to choose between believing the lies, and believing the Truth of God’s word. Am I ready to make that choice?

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