Impacting my Father's heart... Advent of Joy #14

Today our pastor talked about not missing Christmas. We miss it if all we focus on is the family get together, the food, the presents and never look at the greatest gift of all, Jesus.
Pastor Kim asked us to consider several things in light of Christmas.

One was the preparations of God for Christmas. Before the foundations of the world, before anything was created, He had already chosen us. He knew us intimately then. He created this world, and humans, knowing what our choices would be. He knew, going into creation that He was going to provide a way out for us from the death and separation from Him our sin would cause. He knew that Christmas was coming, before anything else started. He set all the plans in place and everything He did pointed ahead to that day.

The second thing to consider was the extravagance of the gifts God prepared. We have been blessed with every spiritual blessing in Christ. We have been given Jesus, Himself. We have been given the Holy Spirit to live within us, guide us, strengthen and help us. We have been given the chance to live transformed lives. We have been given the gift of eternal life with God. God didn’t have to do any of that. But He loves us so much (just as we love our own children and family) that He did everything He could to keep us with Him. Then He blessed us beyond measuring. Our cups are filled to overflowing… just as in Psalm 23 it says,

“You prepare a table before me in the presense of my enemies.
You annoint my head with oil,
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalm 23:5-6

We are co-heirs with Christ; which means that we get everything that Christ the Son of God gets. Christmas isn’t about the stuff that we get. Christmas is to remind us of the incredible, unimaginable gifts God has given us.

The final thing to consider was what goes through the heart of God at Christmas. God is an emotional being. He made us emotional as well. This was the point that I got stuck up on by one simple question Pastor Kim asked us.

“Why do we think that what we do doesn’t impact the heart of God?
Do you feel that you are too insignificant to impact the heart of God?”

That really struck me. God is emotional. He rejoices when one person is saved. He wept and was wracked with grief at the coming fate of Jerusalem, as He looked out over the city.

All this year (really, all the time I have been a Christian) I have felt comfortable coming before God with requests, and He has answered them. I have been able to pour out my heart in this past year, knowing that He was hearing me, and that He loved me, cared about me. That has impacted my heart. He has answered prayers of mine and those around me, helped heal me in the deep, dark, wounded parts of my soul. I have praised Him, danced in the streets, rejoiced over the amazing things He has done.

But I never once thought of this. The things that I think, say or do impact His heart just as much as the things He has thought about me, said to me, or done for me, has impacted mine.
I guess I have always thought of Him as so big, that though He came right down here to be with me, and to indwell me, I never felt that I did anything that would touch His heart.

We get all excited about picking out the perfect gift for someone we love. We can hardly wait until they open it. When they do, their reaction impacts our hearts, our emotions. We rejoice if they are excited… we get excited with them. If they open it and meet it with a flat, “Oh. Thank you,” then we immediately feel disappointed and hurt and wish that they would have really liked what we had gotten them.

So why would it be any different with God? We are made in His image. If our hearts are impacted by the choices, words, and thoughts of those we love, why would His heart be any different?

I never thought of it this way before. Yes, rejoicing in God, and praising Him for the good, repenting of the bad, seeking healing and restoration… all of that is good, and is our response to Him. But He also has a response to us. As much as my friends and family around me have rejoiced with me in my healing this year, God has rejoiced in it as well.

As much as, or even more than my heart is touched, hurt or changed by those around me, so God’s heart is touched, hurt or changed by those He loves. By me.

I have the ability to touch my Father’s heart.

Pastor Kim said one other thing today that made me think and put it into perspective. If we go into our santuary at church, and totally blow off worship, ignore the sermon, be singing but not really thinking about it, and remain unengaged, we are missing something. We miss that intimate interaction with God.

But more than that, God misses that intimate interaction with us. He misses us, and is hurt when we don’t show up like we said we were going to.

Don’t miss Christmas. It may be a season when the whole family can get together and celebrate each other. But it is also a time when we have said that we would get together with our Father in Heaven, and celebrate His Son. Don’t miss that meeting with Him.

We have an impact on His heart.

Is there joy in that?
You bet there is!

You and I are not insignificant. He sees us and loves us. And He has not guarded His heart from us to protect Himself from hurt. He gives freely and unconditionally opens Himself to us so that we can really draw close and get to know Him and love Him better.

I can take joy in my God opening His heart to me. I would have never know Him or understood even the littlest bit about Him if I didn’t impact His heart enough for Him to give me the biggest, greatest gift He could. He has given me the gift of Himself.

I am still trying to get my head around the fact that I can touch, impact, make a mark on, my Father’s heart. It may take a while to connect it all. But oh the joy in starting to realize and understand this!

Sorrow and Suffering... Advent of Joy #13

I was reading a devotional this morning. It talked about Jesus in the garden, and what He went through there.

“He took Peter, James and John along with Him, and He began to be deeply distressed and troubled. ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,’ He said to them. ‘Stay here and keep watch.’ Going a little farther, He fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from Him. ‘Abba, father,’ He said, ‘everything is possible for You. Take this cup from Me. Yet not what I will, but what You will.’ “
Mark 14:33-36

Beth Moore said in the devotional that in Luke 22:44, where it records He sweat drops of blood, that was a condition very rare, and only seen when a body was put under extreme stress and emotion that it was not designed to handle.

Can you imagine being in such emotional pain, under such and incredible amount of physical stress, that your body wasn’t designed to handle it?

I went through the past few years or so, and felt pain that I thought I would never get through. This past year has been even more intense. At times, I thought I would die from the pain and despair I felt. At times I wanted to. The emotional intensity of facing pain in my past and dealing with it was, at times, more than I could bear.

Now that I have gone through the devotional this morning, I realize something that brings me a reason to rejoice.

Jesus knew that kind of pain intimately. He was overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death, like I was. I just said above that I wanted to die. I would say that was my sorrow overwhelming me. To the point of death.

“He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.”
Isa 53:3

He understands what I went through this past year. He understands how much it hurt.
He went through such pain and suffering.

Jesus asked God to take the cup of suffering from Him. He didn’t want to go through it and asked God to remove it. Have you ever thought about that? God could have stopped what Jesus went through. His Daddy God could have spared His dear Son from everything that He went through. He had the sovereign power to do so, yet chose not to.

Another reason to rejoice. God’s love for us, and Jesus love for us, kept them walking the path they had chosen… despite the pain, in spite of it. They both kept going, though the stress and pain of it was almost more that Jesus’ human body could handle. They knew the pain Jesus was in at the time, and the enormous pain and suffering to come. Yet they walked the path.

Therefore:
“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God”
Hebrews 12:2

Jesus still endured the pain because He saw the greater JOY coming when He would be back with God, when He would the the first born of many sons and daughters who could join Him in heaven.
I can choose JOY because my Jesus knew all that I was going through. He knew feelings of being overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. He knew the feeling of wanting these things to go around Him, pass Him by. Just like I was begging God to do for me this year.

I can choose JOY because God loved me so much that He sent His Son to die, to take my punishment, so that I could draw close to Him. Jesus kept going, because He knew He was taking on the ultimate pain and suffering that I would have, had He not kept going.

I can choose JOY because God has offered me the eternal gift of life. My sin would have brought me nothing but death. God loves me so much that He didn’t want that. He wanted me with Him in heaven, never seperated from Him, ever.

I can choose JOY this season because it is about awaiting the baby that was to be born, setting aside all His heavenly glory, knowing fully what He would be going through, yet He chose the earthly path with joy in His heart. For He would be reunited with His Father, and He would bring us with Him

I can choose JOY because that is what Jesus chose.

Fears... Advent of Joy #12

Fears.

Fears from the past… of the past… cripple us.

They cause us to fear the future…

We are afraid to face the pain in our past, so we cope poorly in the present. Our poor coping in the present makes it hard to face the future, therefore we fear the future.

How many times have we talked to, or heard of, people who had no memory of certain areas of their life, where they had lost whole chunks of their life from the past?

I was watching a show last night talking with someone who was very overweight. After starting to work on diet, exercise and strength training, they started to see if there was something else that could cause her to turn to food. She talked about how fear drove her life. Fear of dieting and things not changing. Fear of not doing it, and dying because she gained or stayed the same. Fear of her past.

She said that she remembered nothing of her childhood prior to the age of about 13. So she was encouraged to talk to family members, and look at old pictures to see if that would help jog her memory. Because they wondered if something from her past that was blocked out was a key to why she was escaping into food.

I never thought that would be something for me. I mean I never thought I would find an area of my life that was completely blacked out. And I didn’t realize that it was blocked out until after I started to remember it. It wasn’t a whole chunk of my life, but it was a portion of a relationship in my life. One night. But that was all it took. I lived in fear. In fear of remembering.

I never even knew it… I mean I NEVER even knew that I was living in fear in and because of what I had forgotten.

Until I remembered it.

Between looking up the phrases, “Fear not,” “be not afraid,” and “do not be afraid,” I came up with 86 different verses. Why would God address fear… even in just these verses… so much?
The enemy uses fear so much in our lives, to cripple us and keep us from moving forward in our life. Emotionally and spiritually we are unable to mature, because we are held in bondage to a fear, or multiple fears.

God knows that we are suseptible to fear. He also knows that our first inclination is to try to stop the fear ourselves. Think of Adam and Eve. When their eyes were “opened” they saw they were naked, tried to cover themselves, and then hid in fear when the heard the Lord in the garden. They hid because they were afraid. They lied because they were afraid. They tried to cover themselves up because of shame and fear.

And we have been living with fear ever since.

How much do you try to cover yourself, to protect yourself. How much do you hide who you really are because of fear? How much do you eat, or drink, or exercise, or read or shop or… to cover up your fear, to make it disappear for a while, so that you feel less fearful, even for a little bit? How much does your fear keep you running from things that might cause you pain?

In Isaiah God addresses fear directly.
“Do not call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy. He is the one you are to fear; He is the one you are to dread. And He will be a sanctuary…”
Isaiah 8:12-14a

We are to fear God alone. Because He is holy. We are to have a healthy fear of Him… a dread of Him because of how holy He is. I think of Isaiah’s response when He saw himself in the presence of the Lord. He was filled with fear, basically fearing death because he was in the presence of the Holy God, and God’s holiness revealed to him just how dirty he was… and that his dirtiness (sin) deserved death.

Praise God that He sent us His Son to die on our behalf so that when we see and recognize the holiness of God, and are, by contrast, able to see our dirtiness, we are not killed! If we have trusted in Jesus, He took that punishment for us, and God does not see us any other way but clean, through Christ’s cleansing blood.

We aren’t to be afraid of the things of this world. I mean, look at the economy, the rising cost of food, difficulties in securing loans, and everything else going on. Looking at those things can cause great fear. If we start dwelling on them, if I start dwelling on them, and the immediate problems here at home, I find myself living in great fear. When I am living in that fear, then I find myself starting to do things in my own strength and power to try to fix things.

But we are not called to fear what the world fears… its predictions of disasters and conspiracies.

God alone is worthy of our fear, our reverence, our awe. And we should never allow that fear of Him to drive us away from Him. It should drive us closer to Him. To His Son. To Jesus, who gives us access to God through His blood.

We are free, and despite any other fears, we can rejoice in that.

We can rejoice in our healthy fear of God, because we know that He is the only One who really matters, in the end.

He is our sanctuary. We can dwell within His presence, and worship Him there. He will keep us safe from the fears of the world. No matter how the storms of the world affect our lives, we can live in peace and joy in His sanctuary.

That is the reminder I need this advent season.

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.”
Luke 2:10

Uniquely Equipped... Advent of Joy #11

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights.”
Habakkuk 3:17-19

Things seem like they fall apart from time to time, don’t they? It isn’t always a constant thing, though it may seem like it, at times.

I know for me that sometimes things seem to be going along smoothly, and then all of a sudden, the fields produce no food, there are no livestock, no grapes, no figs…

OK, so it’s not literal. But you get the point. Something doesn’t go the way it seems is should. A check you expected didn’t come in. A check you had dedicated for something else, had to be used for sudden car repairs. A steady job suddenly was cut. A dishwasher stops working. A furnace stops working. The snow keeps falling. The kids get sick. You get sick, at the worst possible time.

An act of obedience ends up harder than you thought and you give up. You decide not to do something that God may be calling you to because it is too difficult. You don’t see the path clearly before you, and when it gets hard, you want to stop. When you give up on that act of obedience, you find it even harder to focus on the right things, and start believing the little lies that pick at you each day.

Yet we have a choice. We always have the choice. We can choose to rejoice in the Lord, to be joyful in God our Savior.

Yes. It is hard. Yes. It flies in the face of everything we hear every day. Yes. It doesn’t make sense. Yes. Even in the face of the lack of obedience on our part. Yes. Even in the face of the lies we are believing that we will NEVER get it right.

Yes.

“Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.”

It is a choice. In spite of the circumstances. In spite of what everything looks like around us. It is a choice to trust God, to love Him to rejoice in Him and let Him fill us with His joy.

The Lord is our strength.
The Lord is MY strength.

Think about how hard it is to climb a mountain. Ok, maybe most of us have not done that before. But even a very steep hill, with bare feet and hands.

I have done that before, and slipped and slid and tried to grab on to anything that would keep me from sliding back down, working my way up a very steep hill at the edge of a river. It took a lot of effort. But think about deer. God has uniquely equipped them to live in wild, dangerous territory. They can bound over barriers, and up steep mountain faces. Their feet, and bodies, are perfectly equipped for where they live.

Just like God uniquely equips deer to climb on the heights, so He uniquely equips us for where we are living, what we are doing, and where we are going. He gives us the strength to live the life He calls us to.

So even when I feel like I have failed yet again. Even when I wonder when He will give up on me… still He loves me, He is my strength, He has given me all I need to get through the tough times.

In that I can rejoice, and be joyful in God… He is my Savior.

He watches over me... Advent of Joy #10

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Rom 15:13

My theme seems to be trusting God doesn’t it?

I mean, OK. Advent is about waiting in hope for Christ’s birth.

I think part of that is trusting the promises that He has given us. The Israelites had to trust in God’s promises to provide for them in the desert. Abraham trusted in God to provide him a son in his old age.

Mary trusted that she would bear a son, just as the angel said. She submitted her will to God’s will.

There are so many instances of people, individuals and nations, trusting in the Lord their God.
I have been getting better at it recently. Not to say that it is easy by any means. It isn’t. But just doing these posts on Joy have helped me.

God has been faithful in so many areas in my life. There were things that I was unable trust Him in before, and now I know that He has always had good in mind for me. There are things now where I feel like I am running up against a brick wall, and there is no way around. But there is still God.

He has been more than enough in the past. So why wouldn’t He be more than enough now?
Every step of the way, He has watched over me. He has seen everything in me, even when I have tried to hide from Him. Yet, He has given me so many things. He has brought me through some terrible situations. He has brought me to some amazing victories. He has brought me incredible insights into Him and His word. He has made His word come alive to me. Every time I read the Bible, I learn something new about my God. I am so thankful.

I have learned like Mary was told by the angel,
“Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.“
Luke 1:37

So my God of hope… the one who spoke everything into being, and through whom all things hold together… the one who sent His Light and Hope into the world for us… has been filling me with all joy and peace…

The filling of all joy and peace comes when I trust in Him. When I abandon myself to His will, and wait on Him, I find that I am filled with joy and peace. It is amazing how that works. I get myself so wrought up over things…

…but God knows it all. He sees everything going on and when I surrender to Him, he fills me with joy and peace, and I am then filled with hope by the power of His Spirit at work within me.

He watches over me. He always has and He always will.

Unfailing Love... Advent of Joy #9

I opened my bible today, sitting at my desk and looking outside at the snow. It’s not heavy snow; small, tiny flakes falling down and covering everything. It is so beautiful. It is amazing to me how so many tiny things can make the world looks so white and clean.

My bible opened to Psalm 33 today. Literally, I just opened it up and there it was. I started reading because I was looking for a piece of scripture on joy.

I was planning on going into the New Testament today, I even had the scripture passage picked out. Maybe that one will be tomorrow, cause this one really spoke to me.

“Sing joyfully to the LORD, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
Praise the LORD with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
For the word of the LORD is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
The LORD loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.”
Psalm 33:1-5

The part that got me was the reason we are to praise Him joyfully (filled with JOY). Because His word is right and true.

I have been reminded through this past Sunday’s sermon to cling to God’s promises in His word. To cling to what He has said. All of God’s word is right and true. There is nothing wrong in His word, even if I don’t agree with something. It is all true and He is faithful in all He does, even when it seems impossible.

When a situation looks out of control, we can look to God, and His word, because HE IS FAITHFUL. When God says that He will be faithful to complete the good work He began in you, HE WILL.

Do you know why? Because the whole earth is full of His unfailing love. He loves us. So much that the earth is full of His love.

Full. Of. His. Love.

When we see things that aren’t right, when people do things to us and others that demand justice, even if we don’t see them receiving justice on this earth… know that they are going to have to face God with what they did. It may not be a comfort now, but let me tell you… I wouldn’t want to be in front of God, knowing I had done something wrong… waiting for His punishment!

But we don’t have to receive that kind of punishment. Because of His unfailing love.
His unfailing love came down at Christmas and was born as a little baby to a poor family, and lived His life as a carpenter, working with wood in His hands as He grew up… and then He was nailed to a tree, a wooden cross. After touching so many lives and healing and loving, He died.

Then He rose again so that those who believe in Him can have life. We can be covered by His righteousness, through accepting His sacrifice for us, and trusting Him with our whole hearts and lives.

Just like the tiny snowflakes that are covering everything, Jesus made it possible for everyone to be white and clean.

The Lord loves righteousness, and guess what? We, who have accepted His Son, are righteous before Him.

That is more than enough to make me shout for joy!

“We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.”
Psalm 33:20-21

That is what this season is about, waiting in hope for the Lord. Christmas is all about the hope, the joyful anticipation of our deliverance, that God has given us in Jesus. Even if we already have access to God through His Son, it is with hope that we remember this season.
Not hope and excitement for what we might get, or seeing others faces at what they might get. Hope and excitement at the ultimate present that God gave us.

Jesus.

God is our help (in and through everything we come against). God is our shield (sheltering us from death and the enemy of our souls).

In Him, my heart rejoices. I trust, and will trust in His Holy Name. There is no other name in heaven or on earth that can save us, help us, or shield us the way He does.

This Christmas season I choose to trust in Him, for everything and in everything.

I will end with this prayer, right out of Psalm 33.

“May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord.
even as we put our hope in you.” (vs. 22)

And Lord, help me to recognize You at work in my life. Help me to recognize you in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of this season. Thank You for Your unfailing love. Help me to remember that is what this advent is all about… Your unfailing love for ME! Help me to take joy in the hope I have in You all the days of my life. Amen.

My First Source... Advent of Joy #8

“Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth. Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his ; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture."
Psalm 100:1-3

Last night was a tough one. I was tired (way over tired) and low and just not doing the greatest. I was unable to gather my thoughts. This morning, after getting some decent sleep, though not nearly long enough, I am feeling better today.

As I was resting yesterday afternoon, I came across Psalm 100. It just spoke to me. It reminded me to worship God. When we worship God, when we focus on Him, not our problems, and give Him the praise, honor, and glory due to Him it is a powerful thing.

Again, looking back at this last year, I can see the good things that God has done. He has sifted out the chaff, purified my faith. He has gotten rid of some of the parts of me that I haven’t liked. He has shown me other areas I need to keep a close eye on.

I am even dealing with some now. One of them being, taking good care of myself. Making sure I get enough sleep, eat well, and get exercise and accomplish at least one thing around the house a day. All of those things will help me feel better, and as Tricia would say, good tools to help me deal with daily stress. Good coping mechanisms.

It has been a challenge to sleep as I have been tossing and turning most nights. Last night at least I got 6 1/2 hours of solid sleep, with no waking in between. That was a start. Right now I have a load of dishes in the washer, and I have a few things cleaned up around here. I was also able to start the day with God. Those are really good things.

This year has had one really good benefit, besides showing me areas of weakness that I need to keep an eye on. This year has drawn me ever closer to Jesus. I have realized that God has to be my first source to go to when I am in trouble, when I am down, when I need help or insight or focus. One of my tendencies is to lean on other people around me. But God has been giving me a deeper love for Him and His word, and a greater desire to spend time with Him.

That is more than enough reasons to come before Him with joyful songs and shout with joy to Him! In this advent, awaiting the celebration of His birth, there is nothing more important than to wait with joyful anticipation.

I know in my head that the Lord is God, and I believe it in my heart. I want to cling to that truth ever more closely. He made me.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:13-14

That is another reason to praise Him. I am not a mistake. He created me, and I am his. He said so. (Isaiah 43:1) We all are His people, the sheep of His pasture.

He is our shepherd. He leads us and cares for us and guides us to restful places when we need it and leads us through the darkness when we are afraid. He is the light for our path. His word is our guide. His word in our lives builds a foundation, that when everything else starts to fall apart, we will always have. We won’t be shaken off of it, if we continue to cling to Him and His word. We need to be able to cling to His promises for us. Know and really believe that He will accomplish great things in our lives, and it will give us strength to continue on and persevere.

Nothing is better for my soul than remembering that He made me, that I am His. For that I worship Him with joy and gladness in my heart. That worship is good for my soul as well!

Bittersweet revisited... Advent of Joy #7

When I wrote my last post, I found myself in some deep emotional waters, and tried not to let that overtake my writing. It was difficult because I am so emotional about finishing up with Tricia. I finished writing my post, dated it to publish after 1am so that it would post on the 6th, and went to get ready for bed.

I got into the bathroom and just cried. I think it was finally helping me release some of the tension I had felt ever since I got home from my appointment. I guess I didn’t realize it would affect me so much. I am still struggling emotionally, but I know that God is with me in it all.

He continues to give me dreams and hopes for the future…
He reminded me today that the season I am in, is one of waiting.

Isn’t that interesting?
Advent is a season of waiting for the birth of our Lord.

I am in a season of waiting. I am to specifically take this time to draw nearer to God’s heart, fall deeper in love with Him, and patiently wait, even though there are things that I would love to do, places I would love to go, and “jump” headlong into ministry of some sort.
Yet I don’t feel that I have been given the “go ahead” by God. So I am waiting.

As I felt that “Wait” from the Lord, I pondered what I had written about having those bittersweet feelings.

How many other things in our lives are partings, losses, endings?

I am not talking about the death of someone we love. Though that is a big one. But what about moving to a new home (even if it is only 15 miles from the first one)? What about family left behind in a move, and the loss that they might feel with the increased physical distance between you? What about changing churches? What about a loss in health, or at least a severe struggle with health issues, and the loss involved in feeling good, and being able to do the things you want to? What about ending a relationship with someone? Or losing a friend? Or losing a pet? Or losing even the trust we had in someone close to us? Losing a pastor to another church or ministry? Even the loss involved in a church re-defining its vision?

How many of these things do we allow ourselves to grieve through? Aren’t they all losses of one sort or another. They are breaks in the things that have been important to us. Grieving is part of the process of healing from a loss. What we think are little things, insignificant, sometimes can be the things that steal our joy, and start bogging us down, because we haven’t dealt with them.

Allowing ourselves to cry, mourn the losses, and work through them emotionally (even if they don’t seem like a big deal) help us to rediscover our joy in the midst of the pain; strength in our weakness; peace in the storm; patience in the midst of the busy-ness; trust in the midst of insecurities.

I know of so many people through blogs, or in real life who are struggling with things like these. I don’t think that anyone could say that they are untouched by some sort of loss.
My friend Cindy told me that in all the times they have moved (many times out of state, Texas to Wisconsin and back and forth again) the longer moves were a bit easier because she was able to prepare herself before they happened. At least she was able to prepare herself that she was going to grieve losses. She said that at times it would take her nearly 2 years to work through it.

She and her husband recently made a move, basically across town, 20 minutes from their previous home. Around the same time, they switched from one church to the church I go to. Immediately they were “assimilated” into a small group, and people who supported them and grew to love them immensely.

She told me that she was completely unprepared for the grief she felt over moving and changing churches. She said that it has been just over a year and a half, and she still finds herself sad at losing the closeness of some of the friendships she had with people in the other church. She was so unprepared because she didn’t think it would be such a big thing since it wasn’t a long distance move. She also told me that because she and her husband were welcomed so warmly into our church family, it made the transition easier.

But I think she could agree that there was a bitter sweetness to the move. Grief in some loss of closer relationships, change of churches and community. Yet joy in being welcomed into a new church and making close friends.

Bittersweet.

For myself, I had a very close friend of mine move, in May, to Zambia for a year long mission. Gwen has been like a sister to me since our college days. When she moved 3 hours away to her parents home, I missed her, and though I could talk to her, and we still saw each other, I missed her then.

Since her move to Zambia, I have missed her greatly. It was a loss for me of the closeness in our relationship, not because our friendship ended, just related to the physical distance between us.

At the same time God blessed me with someone to come alongside me, who has become a sister to me. Cindy has walked alongside me this past year. So I experienced the grief of “losing” Gwen, but joy in gaining another sister.

Bittersweet.

Those are just a couple of examples. I could come up with many more.

In this time of waiting… this advent… I am waiting for God to show me what He wants me to do. I am learning more from Him about grief and loss, joy and hope. I am growing closer to Him. As I learn more from Him, as I learn more about myself, and learn through my experiences and healing… I think God is using it to make me more sensitive to others, and better able to relate to others’ hurts.

I have gotten a “wait” from God. I have gotten a “draw closer to me” from Him. I have been told “learn from your experiences, from others and from Me” by my Jesus. I have gotten a “listen for My voice” from His Spirit.

So I am waiting. I am experiencing an advent of sorts in my life… waiting for the time of the Lord’s birth of something new in my life.

In the meantime, though I grieve the loss of my immediate relationship with Tricia, I am waiting in hope for what God will do in the future with the passions He has been giving me. I have joy in knowing I am in His will as I wait (if not perfectly patiently) to see what He is going to teach me.

The bitter sweetness
of the
joy and pain,
hope and anxiety
of the waiting
…the being still and knowing He is God…

Bittersweet... Advent of Joy #6

Well, I did it.

I had my final appointment with Tricia.

I walked out of there with both of us agreeing that it was my last session, essentially.
Tricia said that if anything did happen in the next weeks, or next months, and I did need to see her, to not beat myself up or see it as a step backward. It would just be me admitting that I needed some help to get through something else.

As I was talking with my small group, before I went to counseling, my friend Donna talked about how much I have matured in this past year. Today in counseling, Tricia talked about how before when I came up against a problem I couldn’t focus on finding a solution because I was in too much pain. She said that now my pain is less, I feel better in general, and about myself, and now I am able to start problem solving.

She said that I am still going to find that I will struggle some to deal with everyday stressors that come up. She said I have the coping skills, I just need to remember to employ them (I will add here, healthy ones), and remember above all else that God loves me.

She reminded me that I am going to encounter problems and difficulties. It doesn’t mean that I can’t handle life, or that I am doing something wrong. It is part of this world. I told her about how I was encountering some struggles right now with trusting God in a specific area, and how to help myself, I was going to be writing these posts up until Christmas. I said that this past Monday was really hard, and I had found myself struggling with depression.

Tricia quoted to me the following verse… and as I looked up the word “mature,” later this evening, I came across the verse she gave to me, and knew I had to write about it.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.
Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4

The trials that I am going through right now are testing my faith. As I work through them, and through my trust issues with God, my faith is tested, refined, and purified. Each time I face trials and my faith is tested, I am forced to either persevere or give up. If I persevere, I grow stronger. I mature in my faith. My trust in God is strengthened. My faith is made stronger so that I have the courage to step out into something new with God. I might be scared, but through each new trial and struggle, I am being made more mature and complete… I WON’T LACK ANYTHING!!!

So, as each new thing comes up, I can choose to despair that I will ever be “done” with all this stuff. Or I can choose to believe that God has a purpose, and He is growing me, and completing the good work He has started. And I can find joy in that somehow. It may not be visible. I may still suffer grief, and it may still be hard, but I have to keep that eternal perspective that I talked about yesterday. He loves me and He fills me, He has given me new birth into a living hope, an inheritance that is kept in heaven for me. Through my faith (that is being matured….) I am shielded by God’s power.

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
1 Peter 1:6-7

My faith is tested in the trials. I don’t have to like the trials, or be happy about them. I don’t have to put on the “happy face” for everyone. I can be real and honest and say “This is hard, I don’t like it, and it hurts.”

But hopefully, in the midst of the trials I will be able to have an eternal perspective, and know that I have been given so many incredible gifts by God. These trials are strengthening my faith, testing and refining it, and proving it genuine, and maturing and completing me.
Right now I have to say I have something else now to work through.

I knew it was going to be tough to say good-bye to Tricia. I am going to miss her. I will be praying for her, and I know we are still connected to each other in the body of Christ. But it is going to be different and hard to walk out from here now.

To me it is a loss. I am I guess grieving a relationship that had to be severed. I mean, it was a healthy ending, we had closure together, by reviewing some of the things I have written over the past year, and seeing where I have come from, and where I am now. The relationship had to end so that I can continue on and grow and mature on my own. As Tricia said, her time to come alongside of me has ended, that isn’t her role any more.

So I am grieving the loss of our relationship.

But at the same time I can see joy in it. Because if I was able to end my counseling relationship with her; without going into a panic attack, without making myself sick about it, without major emotional difficulties; I am getting better, am so much better than I was a year ago. I can take joy from the knowledge that God has healed me so much.

The pains, difficulties, trials, griefs, have been worth the healing, growth, maturity, completing work God has done in my life through them.

A bittersweet loss.
A bittersweet gain.

I don’t know that I ever understood the concept of something being bittersweet until now.

Grieving.
Joy.

Mixed together in the same experience.

Things above... Advent of Joy #5

Lately, I have found myself really wanting to just see Jesus. I mean, wouldn’t it be so much easier to see Him, face to face? It would be so much easier to trust Him; it would be so much easier to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has His best at heart for me.

If I could only see Him.

I know that He really does care for me. I know that He has preserved me through so much.
After I became a Christian, I fell in love with this psalm.

“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.”
Psalm 27:4-6

I find myself going back there. I want to dwell in His house, gaze upon His beauty and seek Him in His temple.

Translation?

I want to sit in His presence with no distractions. I want to soak in His Word. I want to soak in His presence, so that when I get up and walk away, I have a sure sense that He is with me. I want feel free to seek Him fully, and know that He will answer me, even in small ways.
Over the years, I have had opportunities to get away from everything distracting. Most of the time it was times where I took off into nature by myself. It has had to be very intentional on my part.

Not to say that there haven’t been times when God has just shown up, where ever I am at, met me, spoken with me, to me, through other people, through music, through something I have been reading. He has. There are more times than I can count where Jesus has reached down and touched my heart in a profound way.

One of the things that I have learned this past year is that He is keeping me safe. He always has. I just never realized it, because in the midst of pain and trouble, it didn’t feel like He was keeping me safe.

My spirit, my soul, has been safe within His dwelling ever since I gave my life over to Him. He has hidden me within Himself. For Christ has given me entrance into the Holiest of Holies through His blood. I have been taken into the tabernacle and set high on a rock, a fortified position, safe and secure.

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. “
Colossians 3:1-3

Setting my heart, setting my mind, on things above is my biggest struggle recently. What really is more significant? The things of this world that pass away, or the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God?!

My sinful self has died and my life is hidden with Christ… in God. He has hidden me in the shelter of His tabernacle.

The enemies that have surrounded me have not triumphed over me. For a season it seemed like it. I mean, the last few years have seemed like my enemies were winning. I felt like I was going under, and there was no way up.

But God.

He has exalted me, and shown Himself so much more powerful than my enemies.

The enemy of my soul has tried so hard to attack me at all my vulnerabilities. At times, very successfully. Other times I have caught him at it.

Lately, I have been under attack. Even right now, as I am writing this, I can feel my anxiety rising. Writing out my thoughts usually helps, but I find my mind wandering, and worries increasing.

Christ is the victor! No matter what I feel, He is victorious over all His foes. Because I am hidden with Him in God, I am victorious over all my foes, whether I feel it or not.

I have victory over all that is coming at me, over all that has happened to me.

I choose to resist the enemy who would rob me of the will of God. I refuse to believe my feelings that tell me I am not secure, or that Jesus will not keep me safe and provide for me all my needs. I choose to hold up the shield of faith against all the accusations and against all the insinuations that Satan would put in my mind. I claim the fullness of the will of God for my life.

I can do that through Christ who strengthens me, through Christ’s power at work in me.

Therefore, I can choose joy.

He has exalted me over my enemies who tried to keep me down this year, who tried to destroy my life. He has given me victory!!! I have this amazing joy in my heart when I see what He has done for me.

I can lay my whole life on the alter as a sacrifice to Him. Joyfully… with shouts of joy.
All I am, all I have, all I do, all I want to be…. it is all Yours, Jesus. Again, yet again, I surrender my whole self to You… have the Lordship in my life. Fill every nook and cranny with Your Spirit, with Your presence. I want to come before the whole assembly of Your people and offer sacrifices of praise. I want to share, Lord, all that You have done in my life. You have given me such joy! Help me to focus my mind and my heart on the things above; on Your incredible plan for me, and for Your whole creation. Help me to keep my gaze fixed on you, on Your beauty, so that the things of this world will grow dim, in the light of Your glory and grace.

For Lord, I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord, Your goodness to me and others, In the land of the living, here on this earth Oh my soul, Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart Do not faint, fail or despair! WAIT FOR THE LORD! Psalm 27:13-14 (my paraphrase) You are my strength and my song. I love you. I rejoice in all you have done for me. Help me, Jesus to cling to the hope You have given me. Help me to follow after You with my whole heart; to trust You with my whole mind and heart, despite my circumstances. I am Yours, Lord, I am Yours. Amen.

Healed Helper... Advent of Joy #4

My dear friend Cindy has been praying through a scripture verse for me, probably the last few months now at least. As she has been praying for me I have been praying the same thing for her.

Yesterday I talked about how God is “more than enough,” for He has filled my heart with greater joy than when all possessions abound.

Over and over Cindy and I have been finding ourselves tested, issue by issue, to see if we believe that God is more than enough for us. No matter the circumstance, if things get better or worse, if things never change, or if something drastically changes… will we still be able to say, “God, You are more than enough for me?”

I had finally come to the point, that no matter what was going on in my life, I was sure I could say that, because He has done so many marvelous things this past year in my life. But you have to know, when you feel so confident, there is somewhere you are going to be tested, and this has been no exception.

Always, there is something more, as we grow and change and mature in our lives.
Always, there is something more, in our faith, and in our relationships with Christ.
Always, there is something more He wants to teach us.
Always, there is something more He wants to give us or show us.
Always, there is something more He wants to lead us through and to.

“Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith…”
Hebrews 12:1-2a

A new situation crops up; we become aware of something more that bothers us, or hinders us in our walk with Him. Jesus wants to convince us, even in these new areas, He is more than enough, and He is more than able to deliver. All He wants is us to let go of the things we think we need; let go of the things we are trying to control. We can’t really control them; we don’t really need them. We just think we do. Isn’t that how the enemy really gets in there? He twists things just enough to make us think the wants are so important that we ignore everything else.

Jesus brings new things to our attention (and sometimes they are the same things, just revisited on a deeper level) and encourages us to throw off everything that hinders and entangles us. When we do, we find that He is more than enough in that situation we thought was so overwhelming.

So, as new things have cropped up, as things have been visited and revisited, I have had to remind myself that He is enough.

One reminder is to meditate on the verse that I have been praying through for Cindy and that she has been praying through for me.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.”
Psalm 90:14

In King James it reads:
“O satisfy us early with thy mercy that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.” (emphasis mine)

I looked up the Strong’s definitions on the King James version and this is part of what I came up with.

Satisfy: To have enough - fill to satisfaction - have plenty of.
(sounds suspiciously like Him being more than enough doesn’t it?)
Early: Dawn
Mercy: Kindness - loving kindness, merciful kindness, mercy
(I see that loving kindness as the unfailing kindness of a merciful God who loves His children)
Rejoice: To cause to shout (joyfully), aloud for joy, cause to sing aloud for joy, triumph
Glad: To brighten up - cheer up, make glad, have/make joy, be (make) merry, (cause to, make to) rejoice.

This verse is asking God to do the very thing I want for this Christmas season; to do the very thing I want in some of the things I am facing, as I seek to be more like Him, rooting out the lies that draw me away from Him.

I want to be fully satisfied, and assured of His more than enough for me; each morning before I even get out of bed. I want to be fully assured in the depths of my heart of Jesus’ loving kindness towards me. When I am fully assured, not only in my mind but my emotions, He is enough and I am the apple of His eye, it will cause me to rejoice, to sing aloud for all to hear of His great provisions and mercies. I will be glad; my face will brighten; my spirit will lighten; I will want to share all He has done with others around me.

The vision of being a healed helper will become more and more of a reality as I fall deeper in love with my God and Father. The more deeply in love I am with Him, the more I trust Him with my everything because He is enough, then the more freely I will be able to share all He has brought me through with others.

That is a true joy for me.

Joy. Knowing that I am fulfilling God’s vision and mission for me, in being a healed helper. Joy. Helping others by showing them my struggles as I walk this path to maturity and freedom, in the midst of the struggles, and from the healed side of some major battles.

Blogging, giving my testimony, sharing in song, leading worship, being a friend to those God puts in my life; those are ways He is using the things I have trusted Him in, and learned that He is enough.

I pray that He will give me more joy, day by day, satisfying me with His love, so I may be able to sing, to shout aloud for joy all He has done for me!

Greater Joy... Advent of Joy #3

This evening I was starting to blog hop a bit to visit some of my friends I have in my side bar.

I got no farther than “Behind the Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle. Her most recent post really struck a chord with me… as did the scripture verse she had.

Go visit her post now….
Really I mean it.

Click HERE and see what she had to say…

Ok, hopefully you read it…. it is short, I promise!

Anyway, she had the scripture verse in The Message, but I have it here in the New International Version.

“In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, ‘Who can show us any good?’ Let the light of Your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
Psalm 4:4-8

I added a couple of verses on at the beginning, compared to what Lisa had. However they really spoke to me.

I have had to deal with a lot of anger lately…. and I just realized it.

Now.
Tonight.

I really have to deal with it. I think I will be laying in bed tonight, searching my heart and leaving some things before God. I am going to have to sacrifice my anger, and my “right” to be angry and upset… and trust in the Lord. Back to that trust issue again.

When I read the verse talking about who can show us any good, and then asking God to let the light of His face to shine on us… Well, that just didn’t seem to gel at all with The Message version that Lisa quoted…

“Why is everyone hungry for more?
‘More, more,’ they say. ‘More, more.’
I have God’s more-than-enough.”

Then I looked at the Strong’s references. When the NIV says that people are asking who can show us any good… well part of the definition from “show” is the root “to see,” and to “perceive, present, provide.” then the definition for “good” is “beautiful, best, better, bountiful,” and “pleasure, precious, prosperity, wealth.”

That started to make sense to me. Many people are asking who can see/perceive/present/provide us with anything that is beautiful/bountiful/precious/ (causes) prosperity/wealth. But the King David isn’t asking for more prosperity, or wealth or worldly things. He is asking for God to let the light, the radiance of His holy face to shine upon him. He knows that as long as God’s face is turned towards him, that His countenance is is shining on him, he has everything he needs or could want.

At the very beginning of the psalm, David says,
“Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.”
Psalm 4:1

To me it sounds like David started this prayer in distress, in pain, or hurt, or affliction… focused only on the pain he was experiencing. But by the 7th verse, David is acknowledging that God has filled his heart with more joy than others experience when their earthly treasures are multiplied over and above.

David made a conscious choice that despite his circumstances, he was going to continue to seek God. And as he did, he recognized that joy deep down in his heart, that only God can give.
There is a joy in my heart that though everyone around me may be looking for more and more, I can instead focus on what God has given me. It is so much more, so much better than anything that I could gain from earthly sources. Because the earthly things I can’t ever take with me once I die. It is the eternal things that make the difference. God didn’t spare His Son but gave Him up for us all… how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? (Rom. 8:32) He has given me eternal life at a great price. Just the price He paid in laying down all His glory to come to earth as a human baby is unimaginable for us.

That alone is worthy of my praise, adoration, and abiding joy.

Then on top of that, I can lie down in peace and sleep knowing that the Lord has made it possible for me to rest/live/stay in safety. He is my shelter and I can sleep without worry, without wondering what will happen tomorrow. He is my shelter, my strong tower, my refuge. If everything is stripped away, from money, to possessions, to my family, my friends, my health, my very life - I HAVE HIM. He is all I need.

In that I choose to find joy. In my God, my precious Jesus, I find my joy and purpose, my peace and security. Earthly things may promise those things. Possessions and getting more may give a sense of security, but pretty soon those possessions end up possessing.

I don’t want to be owned by anything or anyone else than my Savior. He bought me with the price of His own blood. I want to live in the awareness of that, and in the joy of that.
In this Christmas season I want to try to show others around me, who may be looking for more, more that there is something else that is better and will provide for them a deeper sense of pure joy than if their physical treasures grew exponentially.

It won’t be easy.
It isn’t.
But God.

May the light of His countenance shine upon me, and may joy that only comes from Him be evident to all.

Praise... Advent of Joy #2

“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.”
Psalm 126:3, 5-6

I have done a lot of sowing tears this past year. There are so many ways that God has given me seed to sow. He has taught me great things, and I have sown them in my heart and mind. But it has taken a lot of tears, sorrow and struggle.

But the Lord has done great things for me. I can rejoice in looking back at the past year, at the past few years, and seeing the wondrous things God has done.

He placed me in a group of people who were willing to walk with me through my struggles. They were equipped by God to stick with me and love me through everything.

More than anything that has show me that God does focus His attention on me. He has taken what I have sown in tears, and grown it into a harvest. A harvest of hunger for His word. A harvest of joy in His presence. A harvest that I have been returning with… with songs of joy.
I know that though I am sowing some tears right now, He will turn this into an opportunity for me to rejoice. It will become an opportunity for me to testify to His goodness and rejoice with my family and friends. I will be able to fall on my face in worship before Him in praise and adoration.

In uninhibited praise and adoration, I can rejoice. All my frustrations, fears, anxieties, and pain fall to the wayside. I am able to focus solely on Him and not worry about anything else. Oh the freedom and joy I had in worship yesterday. Nothing else mattered but Him. The relief of being able to let everything go and just worship Him. That gave me true joy Sunday at church.

Even if it was only for a short time, I did have that moment of joy I needed. It really helped me refocus, at least for a while. I think I am going to need to focus on some praise and worship to bring myself to a point where I can have some more joy of letting it go, and trying to trust that He knows what I need and will provide.

Beginning of a season... Advent of Joy #1

We are entering what most people would call the season of Joy, Peace, Light, Hope, Love… etc. All those positive words.

I love the season of Advent and Christmas. I love the smell of the fresh Christmas tree, snow (and lots of it), candles, the warmth of a house lit by tree lights, and decorated and festive. I love buying things for the people I love, and anticipate them opening them. I really do love the season.

But this year, as I hit the end of November, I found that I was dreading it. Talking with Cindy I realized it was partly to do with some of the situations I find myself in right now.
I wrote a bit before Thanksgiving, that God was asking me to “give thanks in all things.” It was really hard to try to focus my mind there. That was because I was looking at the problems I had facing me.

After talking about it with Cindy, (and blubbering on her shoulder) I took the time later that day to do some journaling and soul searching. I realized that I really didn’t even want to “do” Christmas this year. I just wanted to jump from Thanksgiving to about halfway into January or so.

This from me, who loves (did I mention LOVES) Christmas? Why? What has me so by the neck that I can’t see the joy in the season, the anticipation, the real reason behind it all?
Fear, anxiety, insecurity, complete lack of peace about a few things… really, the enemy is hitting me up pretty hard on some stuff.

I want to bless my family and friends with gifts. Unless I come up with an inexpensive way of doing something, it isn’t going to happen. I am stressed about bills and finances.

I also was very stressed about decisions about where to go for the holidays.

Last year I felt pretty miserable. (I don’t think anything I would have done would have made me feel better.) The year before, jumping back and forth from family to family exhausted me and made me miserable.

I don’t want a repeat this year.

And so I just wanted to skip it all.
All of it.

Finally I got to the point that Dave helped me make a decision about how we are going to balance celebrating with both of our families. So, that got that decision out of the way. Some of the other things are still unresolved.

The whole point behind this is:
Where is my joy?

I have celebrated that I am going to be having one more appointment with my counselor. I have been celebrating the fact that I am SO much better now than I was this time last year. I have been celebrating with Cindy some of the amazing changes in response to prayer in her life. I have reasons to rejoice, and to find joy.

One of the things that my psychiatrist said to me early this year was that he wanted me to look for “joy moments” in my life. Rather than focusing on how good or bad I was feeling that day, (which could pull me down more) he wanted me to look for things that gave me joy. His goal was to help me increase my “joy moments” to the level I desired them to be at.

For a long time now, I haven’t focused on how many joy moments I have had each day… I just know that things have been getting better.

I do know from recent reading that the more joy you experience, the more you can experience. Your capacity to experience joy gets bigger the more you experience joy… therefore increasing your capacity to experience joy… and on it goes.

So this season I know that I need to focus on Joy… Jesus.

I have found several verses. Verses to encourage me to focus on God, to focus on the author and perfecter of my faith. Verses to give me something to grab onto… the joy that is to be my focus for this season.

There are two that I will share here.

“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.”
Psalm 126:3

And,

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Lord has done great things for me, and I do have a sense of joy, deep inside. Sometimes I lose track of that joy. The external things distract me. The worries of this world. The struggles to do what is right, to help my family, to just get through day to day sometimes.
So I am going to try to do God’s will for me… to be joyful always, to pray continually, and to give thanks in all circumstances. That was what my post on giving thanks was all about. There are so many things that are a struggle for me. I know there are going to be things that I will struggle with for my whole life. I know that new things will crop up.

I know that little by little God is going to bring up things as I am ready to deal with them.
I know that He will equip me to deal with them.

Either He will give me tools that I can use by myself (tools taught to me by my counselor, and through the experiences I have had, and the things I have worked through) or He will give me people to walk with me through them.

He will give me Himself… He is living inside of me. He will guide me and be my source of life, joy and peace.

His Joy.
That I what I want to remember today.

His Joy.

It isn’t anything I can manufacture.
It isn’t anything I can buy.
It isn’t anything I can contain.

His Joy.
It is a free gift.
It comes with His Son.
It comes from His son.

His Joy.

That is what this season is all about…

Jesus.
He is Joy, and I want to focus on Him.

Usually we have an advent calendar that counts down the 25 days to Christmas. I want to take the 25 days, and each day, find joy in it.

Joy.

In anything that goes on in my day, in anything that goes on in my life. Anything that I can find I am grateful for, thankful for, that gives me joy, down to my soul, in the depths of my heart.

Because isn’t that what this Christmas season is all about? Isn’t that why we celebrate Christmas?

Jesus is the reason for the season.
It sounds corny, I know.

But really.

Isn’t He the reason the great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel that spoke to the shepherds praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests.”
Luke 2:13-14

Those heavenly hosts were praising God. Rejoicing. (Forgive my liberty here…I am slightly paraphrasing and interpreting) They were filled with joy at seeing the Lord’s prophecies coming true.

This Christmas season I want to be focused on Jesus. I want to focus on joy. Jesus gives me this joy deep in my heart and despite the trials I may be going through, or the struggles I might be facing, I will focus on the joy He gives me.

My intention, since this is Advent, the anticipation of Christmas, is to focus on one thing (or more) that I can find joy in each day. All the joy moments I can find… to prepare my heart, and refocus my thoughts.

Today: Joy because my Savior has touched my heart and saved me so that can testify to His healing power.

And another simple one: I got to play in the new fallen snow with my kids, having a snowball fight, shoveling the driveway, and taking a bit of a walk with them… catching snowflakes on our tongues. It was a joy just to spend that time with them.

The thief...

I remember my friend Amy writing a post not that long ago talking about how depression comes in like a thief.

She is right.

Depression.
It has been stalking me.

Depression.
It caught up with me this past week.

Depression, as Amy said, tries to rob our peace and joy. Rather, the enemy uses it to steal the blessings of God. Actually, I will amend that again. He can’t steal the blessings of God. They have been given to us by God and can’t be taken away. The enemy actually comes in and tries to keep us from recognizing the blessings, from using the blessings and power God has given us. The enemy tries to prey on things he knows we have fallen victim to in the past.
He focuses on clouding our feelings, feeding us little lies that we base our feelings on. If I am feeling like God is not answering my prayers, if I feel like He is not caring about my problems and struggles and concerns… well, I get depressed, I feel sad and angry. I feel lost and alone. But though the feelings are real, they are based on lies.

As I have been writing this, I have just realized the above. I need to take the time out (once the kids are in the bath) and just focus on some main truths of who I am in Christ, His love for me, and the riches He has poured out upon me. I am going to take the time to soak in some scripture to counteract the lies I have found in my mind.

I was a mess all day today. The depression I can deal with. I know that part of it, and the anxiety, could be chemical imbalances. I can deal with that. It is the feeling of complete isolation, and loneliness, and the feeling of being totally left alone by God.

I wasn’t thinking clearly all day. I feel like right now… as I started writing this post… that my mind is clear for the first time. I may still have all the emotions (and I do for sure) but at least God has helped clear my mind and see where I was allowing my thoughts to go.
I called my sweet friend Cindy today, and she talked with me a bit about some significant issues that I am dealing with right now. Almost as soon as we started talking, I started crying. As she prayed for me, I just sobbed.

Maybe I just needed a good cry. Maybe I just needed that little bit to lie down and not have to “do” anything. Maybe I just needed to talk with someone who really knows me and understands. And that was what has helped me.

Maybe.
Maybe that’s what someone else might think.

I choose to believe that the clearing up of my head, and the confusion that has cleared somewhat, the peace that I find stealing over my thought processes… that is from God. I choose to believe that He is answering the prayers of Cindy. I choose to believe that His answers come at just the right time. Whether that is in my timing or not doesn’t matter. I mean, it matters to me, to my feelings, and if I think that the answers are coming too late, I get upset and frustrated and impatient, and hurt. But I need to learn to let go… and let God do what He is going to do. Because He knows best.

In the meantime, I have got to find a way to get my mind and heart to believe and trust God. I want to allow Christ to fill my heart and mind with His presence and His thoughts. I want to allow the Holy Spirit to prompt and guide and convict me… and to minister to my hurting heart, my bruised emotions. I need the healing balm to cover over me and touch every part of my mind, heart and spirit.

Nothing less will do.

He is all I want.
He is all I have ever needed.

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

I want that life to the full. The enemy has been trying to steal, kill and destroy…. He has wreaked havoc in my emotional life. You wouldn’t know it to look at the outside. I have been able to continue doing what I need to do for my family. I have been keeping up on the kitchen cleaning, I have kept up on laundry (pretty well) and have been able to consistently keep food on the table. I have been functioning better than I used to when depression really hit me. So that is a big sign of healing for me.

But this is the first time that I can remember that depression has really hit me in the last couple of months with any type of force. When I was working through things I expected it. But this took me by surprise.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
John 10:27-30

I will cling to the truth that I shall never perish, and that God is greater than all, and that no one, no one, can ever snatch me out of His hand.

If I memorize and meditate on these verses alone… well, talk about security no matter the circumstances swirling around me. I am held securely in the Father’s hands, I have been given eternal life, Jesus knows me, and is one with His father, and because He is in me, I am one with Him.

Bombardment, trust and a steadfast mind...

Yesterday, I was longing for a break.

We’ve had some stress the week with getting our heating fixed after our dishwasher flooded and shorted out what ended up being an easy fix that was overlooked the first time (just the thermostat).

We had a lot of time with family. It is very good, but sometimes the “people time” can get a bit noisy and overwhelming.

I really was longing for a break.

Another stress that I have had is my beloved coffee shop has changed hands. I know, it doesn’t seem that big, does it?

All I wanted to do was run away to my coffee shop, to my hidden corner table and sit and read and pray and cry. Well, with the new management, the shop and bookstore were rearranged. So, unfortunately, I lost my private corner. It will be interesting when I try to go in there for some quiet time, and find myself needing a good cry!!!

I have had a wonderful break this week with the relatives in town. They were so anxious to see the kids, that there have been several nights where one, if not both of them have been out at the farm. It has been a blessing.

Today, as Dave was working downstairs, and heading to work, I hand washed the dishes (no dishwasher till next week) and decided that I would take my daughter to the coffee shop. I wasn’t sure how she would do… but where I was able to sit, there was a direct line of sight to the “kids area” where they have a small table to draw on with chalk, some dolls and books, and blocks, etc.

She was so good. She gave me 2 (!!!) hours. She sat and played and I was able to read the bible a bit, and look outside and just soak in the atmosphere and try to relax. It worked some. (the relaxing, that is…)

I guess the longing for a break wasn’t so much needing a break from the kids, or anything else really.

Rather, it has been the bombardment I have been under for the past week. Mind and heart focus on God has been the exception rather than the rule. I have been having a really hard time keeping my focus where it needs to be.

So I guess that I am having some difficult times, and would really covet your prayers.
I know that as I move out and away from counseling… well, I have said this before. I really need to kick in with the things I have learned and keep going.

I had a really great quiet time the other day that talked about 2 things I really needed to hear.

One was talking about the difference between the rich young ruler and Zacchaeus. The rich young ruler stopped short of fully following Christ, allowing his love of his possessions to cause him to shrink back.

Zacchaeus, though he also was rich, did everything he could to get close to Jesus, and when Jesus approached him, he gladly welcomed Him into his home. And then gave away half his possessions and paid back with interest anyone he stole from.

Zacchaeus pressed in to following Jesus, doing whatever it takes. The rich young ruler backed away.

One of the things that Beth Moore said in the study was that Jesus doesn’t want to take away our possessions, He wants to be our greatest possession.

Jesus doesn’t want me to shrink away from Him because I feel something is too demanding or too difficult; He wants me to press in hard and continue to follow Him. He doesn’t want me to feel that He is trying to take things away from me. He wants to become the only, all important, thing in my life, so He is the focus, not my finances, possessions or the lack thereof.

It was a blessing for me to hear that… and a challenge.

A blessing, because it was a reassurance that He really isn’t going to “take my fun away,” like many people think might happen once they become Christians. He just wants to be number one. Which is where He is supposed to be.

A challenge because it was a call to follow Him deeper, farther, with more passion and conviction than I have before. I might suffer for that deeper following, deeper conviction. But He still wants me to follow Him with more passion… suffering included or not.

He has given me a deeper desire for His word. In the midst of struggles and decisions, I have a deeper longing for His word. I want His word deep in my heart and mind because that is what is going to keep me strong in the midst of adversity.

Please pray for me so that I can withstand what feels like a storm in my soul. I am able to continue to live my life, which is such a blessing and so different from a year ago.
Please pray that I will continue to seek God, and seek his Word, and be able to memorize it. Pray that I will find the time each day.

Pray that I will rely on Him and Him alone, rather than my own strength.

Pray that I will be able to make the continuous decision to trust Jesus in all areas of my life, no matter what they look like.

I want to trust with my heart so my mind is steadfast.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.”
Isaiah 26:3

"Yes to God" Chapter 10, Healing truth

Oh to have to read the last chapter of this book! To have to write the last post for this book… I have been dragging my feet all week. I haven’t wanted to end either.

This past year has been one of such learning! Such growth! God has used this book by Lisa in an amazing way to help complete the healing in such a short time frame. I never expected that when I finished this book, that I would be also looking at my last counseling session coming up.

Recognizing who I am in Christ has been hard for me… especially in the past 3 years. As my depression got more and more pronounced, I just didn’t feel like I had any real truth about who I was to keep me steady and stayed on Him. I truly did feel, like Lisa said, that God dropped a stitch when He was knitting me together in my mother’s womb.

I thought I should be who my family wanted me to be, or like those I looked up to, and all it did was muddy the waters.

Lisa said,
“It has been a beautiful thing in my life to let go of the ideas I have for me and ask God to develop in me those things He intends me to do and to be the person He intends me to be…. I am talking about saying to God, ‘Have your own way with me.’ Recognize that in the process of making you, God didn’t have an ‘oops!’ moment.”

This has been a big part of this past year for me. I’ve continually beat myself up for quitting my student teaching. For not managing to finish with a teaching degree. For not using my musical gifts in a “professional” area. For not being a good enough wife. For not being a good enough mother. For not being a good enough ___________. Fill in the blank: Christian, daughter, grand-daughter, friend, person… and then it led me to the thought that I shouldn’t be here, that I was just a mistake.

As I have finally learned to let go, and let God have His way with me, I have come into more and more freedom. He has awakened things in me I thought I had lost. The biggest was a thirst for Him that I haven’t experienced ever since I was a new Christian. Another one was the joy I got from writing and singing. I had lost writing, and almost lost my joy in music as well.

Admitting my mess-ups has been hard for me, because I clung to them as an identity. I had to let God clear up who I was in Him, and then not wade in the cesspool of condemnation. It was hard to admit I screwed up, and then LET GOD TAKE CARE OF IT!!

I love what Lisa said:
“God is quick not only to forgive us; He is quick also to restore us.”

Oh, how thankful I am for that! I’ve gotten some very visual reminders of how much He loves me, of the depths of His forgiveness, and what His redeeming and restoring work is in my life. I’m so grateful that my mistakes aren’t held against me, but that I can learn from them, and He helps me to walk away from them and not make more mistakes on top of them, and end up worse off that I was before.

The pain I’ve been in and through in my life, because of my choices or others, has been enough to cripple me this past year. If I hadn’t been given the strength to deal with the pain, and take a good hard look at it and allow God into it, I don’t know that I would be here right now.

All my life, I applied a soothing balm… of time, of distraction, or of attempting to move on with my life. It covered over the hurts, but never healed them. The worldly things I tried to anesthetize my soul didn’t work permanently.

Only God can apply the healing balm… of really looking into the pain, and touching it with His love, His forgiveness, His restoration, His TRUTH. That really heals. I may have scars left, but this year I’ve been healed by the Truth, my God.

Lisa is right when she said that all God desires is to take my brokenness and yours and set all of us free by the Truth that we were once so afraid to face.

That is truly what has happened this year in counseling. I was so afraid to see the Truth, to see God in the face of all I had done, and all that had been done to me. But, all my brokenness has been exposed to the light of day, and to the light of the Truth. All God has wanted is to set me free. That’s all He wants to do for you. Once we are free, the possibilities are endless. I know that now that I am free of so much pain that was shackling me, I can do whatever He leads me to.

More than that, I know that even if I don’t know right now specifics of what to “do,” He uses me. I have so much baggage, but God has freed me from it, and now can use it to help others. As Lisa said, being used by God is the one time that being “used” by someone felt good!

Today I can say that I have truly tasted the goodness of God, tasted the freedom, tasted the healing that I never thought I would.

Truth time:
Is my soul truly set free? Is the truth behind my eyes the same as what others see?

Answer:
I think so. I hope so. I feel like I am set free, that my soul is. I think there are probably some things that I still have to work through, but who doesn’t have something?
I’ve struggled with the idea of needing to pray for someone who hurt me. Still am. Finding others to pray for specifically… or God is finding them for me.

I realized that I canceled my counseling appointment with Tricia this week, and I really didn’t feel stressed. I did schedule another appointment, in a couple of weeks. To know that I have one out there, my last one to talk a few things over with her, gives me freedom to see what it is like to get through a month without “needing” to talk to her about everything.
One other thing… to be truthful… (sigh)

I’ve realized just how much I am going to miss Tricia. I praise God for her. I’m so thankful for how He has used her to help me along this road of healing I have been on. I know that it is time to end our relationship as counselor/client. I’m OK with that. I’m just going to miss her. I’ll be praying for her. I know that if we never meet again on this side of heaven, I’ll be able to see her there, and hopefully then express to her how incredibly grateful I am that she has allowed God to use her as He has, not only in my life, but the lives of countless others she’s invested herself in.

However, my prayer is that someday, this side of heaven, when the right amount of time has passed, God will bring us back together and allow us to meet and develop a relationship on the equal footing of friendship. I don’t know that it will happen. But that is my prayer.
If it doesn’t get answered the way I would like, I won’t be disappointed, because God has the best for me and the best for her in His heart. He knows what will be best for both of us. I’m extremely blessed to have known her for this brief year. I’m forever grateful to God for bringing her into my life, me to her, when I so desperately needed someone to come alongside who cared and who could guide me ever closer to God.

In closing, (it is so hard to try to figure out how to sum this whole study, this whole book, this whole year up) our church has a Thanksgiving service this Sunday night. We do this annually where we open up the mic to whoever wants to come forward and share a praise. I couldn’t bring myself to go last year. Just out of the hospital 3 weeks, I couldn’t find anything praiseworthy.

This year, well, I really don’t know what to share or how to share it, because I could be up there ALL night! This year has been incredible. Looking back now, I can see God’s hand all over it. I look at all the struggles I had, and how I thought the darkness would never end… and now… oh words can’t express what I am feeling right now!

I can only pray that more and more what people see from me is truly what is going on inside of me. That my actions and words match with what is really going on inside. I don’t want to act the part anymore. If things are going bad, I don’t want to fake the perfect life. If things are going good, I want to share that with others. I want to be free to rejoice with, or cry with others as the need arises. I want to be approachable. I want to be used by God to bring healing to His people who are hurting. However that happens I don’t know. Yet.

I want to leave with two quotes from Lisa that caught me enough that they rated not only underlining, but also highlighting!

“He [God] wants us to realize the freedom - true freedom - that comes with letting go of the struggle, once and for all, over our past mistakes, major life interruptions, and wrongs that have been done to us. He desires to remove that which has incapacitated us and held us captive - unable to fly and soar and be the beautifully created person He has made us each to be. Jesus wants to fix everything in us that has ever been broken, not temporarily soothing it on the exterior, but healing it in places not able to be seen by the human eye….

His arms are a place of ultimate security and peaceful rest.”

There is nothing more powerful that to realize the Creator of the whole universe, is your Creator, that you are the apple of His eye, and that He searches after you with undivided attention until you are found by Him…. and then He holds you, oh so carefully, gently, and securely in His arms… and that He wants to HEAL EVERY HURT! He wants to heal you and me and everyone else, until we all realize who we are in Him, and are able to live from that Truth in our everyday life.

*****************

May God bless all of you. Thank you for joining in this journey with me: through this book, and for those of you who have been around longer, through this past year. I can’t tell you what your prayers and support have meant. Please don’t cease praying for me; I won’t cease praying for you. God has so much more to do in all of our lives.

Just because I see the end of a season for me doesn’t mean an end! It really means a new beginning. I never thought I would say this, but I have a new beginning!

So do we all!

Thank you Lelia for hosting this. I can’t tell you how God has used you in my life. You are the first person who ever contacted me, other than my family, on my blog… the first “bloggy friend” I made… and the first person I ever started praying for that I met through a blog. My husband thought I was nuts (still does, I think) :) But I know that God has been behind all of this. I praise God for you Lelia, and continue to pray for you. God bless you, and I love you!