Things above... Advent of Joy #5

Lately, I have found myself really wanting to just see Jesus. I mean, wouldn’t it be so much easier to see Him, face to face? It would be so much easier to trust Him; it would be so much easier to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has His best at heart for me.

If I could only see Him.

I know that He really does care for me. I know that He has preserved me through so much.
After I became a Christian, I fell in love with this psalm.

“One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.”
Psalm 27:4-6

I find myself going back there. I want to dwell in His house, gaze upon His beauty and seek Him in His temple.

Translation?

I want to sit in His presence with no distractions. I want to soak in His Word. I want to soak in His presence, so that when I get up and walk away, I have a sure sense that He is with me. I want feel free to seek Him fully, and know that He will answer me, even in small ways.
Over the years, I have had opportunities to get away from everything distracting. Most of the time it was times where I took off into nature by myself. It has had to be very intentional on my part.

Not to say that there haven’t been times when God has just shown up, where ever I am at, met me, spoken with me, to me, through other people, through music, through something I have been reading. He has. There are more times than I can count where Jesus has reached down and touched my heart in a profound way.

One of the things that I have learned this past year is that He is keeping me safe. He always has. I just never realized it, because in the midst of pain and trouble, it didn’t feel like He was keeping me safe.

My spirit, my soul, has been safe within His dwelling ever since I gave my life over to Him. He has hidden me within Himself. For Christ has given me entrance into the Holiest of Holies through His blood. I have been taken into the tabernacle and set high on a rock, a fortified position, safe and secure.

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. “
Colossians 3:1-3

Setting my heart, setting my mind, on things above is my biggest struggle recently. What really is more significant? The things of this world that pass away, or the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God?!

My sinful self has died and my life is hidden with Christ… in God. He has hidden me in the shelter of His tabernacle.

The enemies that have surrounded me have not triumphed over me. For a season it seemed like it. I mean, the last few years have seemed like my enemies were winning. I felt like I was going under, and there was no way up.

But God.

He has exalted me, and shown Himself so much more powerful than my enemies.

The enemy of my soul has tried so hard to attack me at all my vulnerabilities. At times, very successfully. Other times I have caught him at it.

Lately, I have been under attack. Even right now, as I am writing this, I can feel my anxiety rising. Writing out my thoughts usually helps, but I find my mind wandering, and worries increasing.

Christ is the victor! No matter what I feel, He is victorious over all His foes. Because I am hidden with Him in God, I am victorious over all my foes, whether I feel it or not.

I have victory over all that is coming at me, over all that has happened to me.

I choose to resist the enemy who would rob me of the will of God. I refuse to believe my feelings that tell me I am not secure, or that Jesus will not keep me safe and provide for me all my needs. I choose to hold up the shield of faith against all the accusations and against all the insinuations that Satan would put in my mind. I claim the fullness of the will of God for my life.

I can do that through Christ who strengthens me, through Christ’s power at work in me.

Therefore, I can choose joy.

He has exalted me over my enemies who tried to keep me down this year, who tried to destroy my life. He has given me victory!!! I have this amazing joy in my heart when I see what He has done for me.

I can lay my whole life on the alter as a sacrifice to Him. Joyfully… with shouts of joy.
All I am, all I have, all I do, all I want to be…. it is all Yours, Jesus. Again, yet again, I surrender my whole self to You… have the Lordship in my life. Fill every nook and cranny with Your Spirit, with Your presence. I want to come before the whole assembly of Your people and offer sacrifices of praise. I want to share, Lord, all that You have done in my life. You have given me such joy! Help me to focus my mind and my heart on the things above; on Your incredible plan for me, and for Your whole creation. Help me to keep my gaze fixed on you, on Your beauty, so that the things of this world will grow dim, in the light of Your glory and grace.

For Lord, I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord, Your goodness to me and others, In the land of the living, here on this earth Oh my soul, Wait for the Lord; Be strong and take heart Do not faint, fail or despair! WAIT FOR THE LORD! Psalm 27:13-14 (my paraphrase) You are my strength and my song. I love you. I rejoice in all you have done for me. Help me, Jesus to cling to the hope You have given me. Help me to follow after You with my whole heart; to trust You with my whole mind and heart, despite my circumstances. I am Yours, Lord, I am Yours. Amen.

Healed Helper... Advent of Joy #4

My dear friend Cindy has been praying through a scripture verse for me, probably the last few months now at least. As she has been praying for me I have been praying the same thing for her.

Yesterday I talked about how God is “more than enough,” for He has filled my heart with greater joy than when all possessions abound.

Over and over Cindy and I have been finding ourselves tested, issue by issue, to see if we believe that God is more than enough for us. No matter the circumstance, if things get better or worse, if things never change, or if something drastically changes… will we still be able to say, “God, You are more than enough for me?”

I had finally come to the point, that no matter what was going on in my life, I was sure I could say that, because He has done so many marvelous things this past year in my life. But you have to know, when you feel so confident, there is somewhere you are going to be tested, and this has been no exception.

Always, there is something more, as we grow and change and mature in our lives.
Always, there is something more, in our faith, and in our relationships with Christ.
Always, there is something more He wants to teach us.
Always, there is something more He wants to give us or show us.
Always, there is something more He wants to lead us through and to.

“Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on the author and perfecter of our faith…”
Hebrews 12:1-2a

A new situation crops up; we become aware of something more that bothers us, or hinders us in our walk with Him. Jesus wants to convince us, even in these new areas, He is more than enough, and He is more than able to deliver. All He wants is us to let go of the things we think we need; let go of the things we are trying to control. We can’t really control them; we don’t really need them. We just think we do. Isn’t that how the enemy really gets in there? He twists things just enough to make us think the wants are so important that we ignore everything else.

Jesus brings new things to our attention (and sometimes they are the same things, just revisited on a deeper level) and encourages us to throw off everything that hinders and entangles us. When we do, we find that He is more than enough in that situation we thought was so overwhelming.

So, as new things have cropped up, as things have been visited and revisited, I have had to remind myself that He is enough.

One reminder is to meditate on the verse that I have been praying through for Cindy and that she has been praying through for me.

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.”
Psalm 90:14

In King James it reads:
“O satisfy us early with thy mercy that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.” (emphasis mine)

I looked up the Strong’s definitions on the King James version and this is part of what I came up with.

Satisfy: To have enough - fill to satisfaction - have plenty of.
(sounds suspiciously like Him being more than enough doesn’t it?)
Early: Dawn
Mercy: Kindness - loving kindness, merciful kindness, mercy
(I see that loving kindness as the unfailing kindness of a merciful God who loves His children)
Rejoice: To cause to shout (joyfully), aloud for joy, cause to sing aloud for joy, triumph
Glad: To brighten up - cheer up, make glad, have/make joy, be (make) merry, (cause to, make to) rejoice.

This verse is asking God to do the very thing I want for this Christmas season; to do the very thing I want in some of the things I am facing, as I seek to be more like Him, rooting out the lies that draw me away from Him.

I want to be fully satisfied, and assured of His more than enough for me; each morning before I even get out of bed. I want to be fully assured in the depths of my heart of Jesus’ loving kindness towards me. When I am fully assured, not only in my mind but my emotions, He is enough and I am the apple of His eye, it will cause me to rejoice, to sing aloud for all to hear of His great provisions and mercies. I will be glad; my face will brighten; my spirit will lighten; I will want to share all He has done with others around me.

The vision of being a healed helper will become more and more of a reality as I fall deeper in love with my God and Father. The more deeply in love I am with Him, the more I trust Him with my everything because He is enough, then the more freely I will be able to share all He has brought me through with others.

That is a true joy for me.

Joy. Knowing that I am fulfilling God’s vision and mission for me, in being a healed helper. Joy. Helping others by showing them my struggles as I walk this path to maturity and freedom, in the midst of the struggles, and from the healed side of some major battles.

Blogging, giving my testimony, sharing in song, leading worship, being a friend to those God puts in my life; those are ways He is using the things I have trusted Him in, and learned that He is enough.

I pray that He will give me more joy, day by day, satisfying me with His love, so I may be able to sing, to shout aloud for joy all He has done for me!

Greater Joy... Advent of Joy #3

This evening I was starting to blog hop a bit to visit some of my friends I have in my side bar.

I got no farther than “Behind the Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle. Her most recent post really struck a chord with me… as did the scripture verse she had.

Go visit her post now….
Really I mean it.

Click HERE and see what she had to say…

Ok, hopefully you read it…. it is short, I promise!

Anyway, she had the scripture verse in The Message, but I have it here in the New International Version.

“In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah. Offer right sacrifices and trust in the Lord. Many are asking, ‘Who can show us any good?’ Let the light of Your face shine upon us, O Lord. You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
Psalm 4:4-8

I added a couple of verses on at the beginning, compared to what Lisa had. However they really spoke to me.

I have had to deal with a lot of anger lately…. and I just realized it.

Now.
Tonight.

I really have to deal with it. I think I will be laying in bed tonight, searching my heart and leaving some things before God. I am going to have to sacrifice my anger, and my “right” to be angry and upset… and trust in the Lord. Back to that trust issue again.

When I read the verse talking about who can show us any good, and then asking God to let the light of His face to shine on us… Well, that just didn’t seem to gel at all with The Message version that Lisa quoted…

“Why is everyone hungry for more?
‘More, more,’ they say. ‘More, more.’
I have God’s more-than-enough.”

Then I looked at the Strong’s references. When the NIV says that people are asking who can show us any good… well part of the definition from “show” is the root “to see,” and to “perceive, present, provide.” then the definition for “good” is “beautiful, best, better, bountiful,” and “pleasure, precious, prosperity, wealth.”

That started to make sense to me. Many people are asking who can see/perceive/present/provide us with anything that is beautiful/bountiful/precious/ (causes) prosperity/wealth. But the King David isn’t asking for more prosperity, or wealth or worldly things. He is asking for God to let the light, the radiance of His holy face to shine upon him. He knows that as long as God’s face is turned towards him, that His countenance is is shining on him, he has everything he needs or could want.

At the very beginning of the psalm, David says,
“Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.”
Psalm 4:1

To me it sounds like David started this prayer in distress, in pain, or hurt, or affliction… focused only on the pain he was experiencing. But by the 7th verse, David is acknowledging that God has filled his heart with more joy than others experience when their earthly treasures are multiplied over and above.

David made a conscious choice that despite his circumstances, he was going to continue to seek God. And as he did, he recognized that joy deep down in his heart, that only God can give.
There is a joy in my heart that though everyone around me may be looking for more and more, I can instead focus on what God has given me. It is so much more, so much better than anything that I could gain from earthly sources. Because the earthly things I can’t ever take with me once I die. It is the eternal things that make the difference. God didn’t spare His Son but gave Him up for us all… how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? (Rom. 8:32) He has given me eternal life at a great price. Just the price He paid in laying down all His glory to come to earth as a human baby is unimaginable for us.

That alone is worthy of my praise, adoration, and abiding joy.

Then on top of that, I can lie down in peace and sleep knowing that the Lord has made it possible for me to rest/live/stay in safety. He is my shelter and I can sleep without worry, without wondering what will happen tomorrow. He is my shelter, my strong tower, my refuge. If everything is stripped away, from money, to possessions, to my family, my friends, my health, my very life - I HAVE HIM. He is all I need.

In that I choose to find joy. In my God, my precious Jesus, I find my joy and purpose, my peace and security. Earthly things may promise those things. Possessions and getting more may give a sense of security, but pretty soon those possessions end up possessing.

I don’t want to be owned by anything or anyone else than my Savior. He bought me with the price of His own blood. I want to live in the awareness of that, and in the joy of that.
In this Christmas season I want to try to show others around me, who may be looking for more, more that there is something else that is better and will provide for them a deeper sense of pure joy than if their physical treasures grew exponentially.

It won’t be easy.
It isn’t.
But God.

May the light of His countenance shine upon me, and may joy that only comes from Him be evident to all.

Praise... Advent of Joy #2

“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.”
Psalm 126:3, 5-6

I have done a lot of sowing tears this past year. There are so many ways that God has given me seed to sow. He has taught me great things, and I have sown them in my heart and mind. But it has taken a lot of tears, sorrow and struggle.

But the Lord has done great things for me. I can rejoice in looking back at the past year, at the past few years, and seeing the wondrous things God has done.

He placed me in a group of people who were willing to walk with me through my struggles. They were equipped by God to stick with me and love me through everything.

More than anything that has show me that God does focus His attention on me. He has taken what I have sown in tears, and grown it into a harvest. A harvest of hunger for His word. A harvest of joy in His presence. A harvest that I have been returning with… with songs of joy.
I know that though I am sowing some tears right now, He will turn this into an opportunity for me to rejoice. It will become an opportunity for me to testify to His goodness and rejoice with my family and friends. I will be able to fall on my face in worship before Him in praise and adoration.

In uninhibited praise and adoration, I can rejoice. All my frustrations, fears, anxieties, and pain fall to the wayside. I am able to focus solely on Him and not worry about anything else. Oh the freedom and joy I had in worship yesterday. Nothing else mattered but Him. The relief of being able to let everything go and just worship Him. That gave me true joy Sunday at church.

Even if it was only for a short time, I did have that moment of joy I needed. It really helped me refocus, at least for a while. I think I am going to need to focus on some praise and worship to bring myself to a point where I can have some more joy of letting it go, and trying to trust that He knows what I need and will provide.

Beginning of a season... Advent of Joy #1

We are entering what most people would call the season of Joy, Peace, Light, Hope, Love… etc. All those positive words.

I love the season of Advent and Christmas. I love the smell of the fresh Christmas tree, snow (and lots of it), candles, the warmth of a house lit by tree lights, and decorated and festive. I love buying things for the people I love, and anticipate them opening them. I really do love the season.

But this year, as I hit the end of November, I found that I was dreading it. Talking with Cindy I realized it was partly to do with some of the situations I find myself in right now.
I wrote a bit before Thanksgiving, that God was asking me to “give thanks in all things.” It was really hard to try to focus my mind there. That was because I was looking at the problems I had facing me.

After talking about it with Cindy, (and blubbering on her shoulder) I took the time later that day to do some journaling and soul searching. I realized that I really didn’t even want to “do” Christmas this year. I just wanted to jump from Thanksgiving to about halfway into January or so.

This from me, who loves (did I mention LOVES) Christmas? Why? What has me so by the neck that I can’t see the joy in the season, the anticipation, the real reason behind it all?
Fear, anxiety, insecurity, complete lack of peace about a few things… really, the enemy is hitting me up pretty hard on some stuff.

I want to bless my family and friends with gifts. Unless I come up with an inexpensive way of doing something, it isn’t going to happen. I am stressed about bills and finances.

I also was very stressed about decisions about where to go for the holidays.

Last year I felt pretty miserable. (I don’t think anything I would have done would have made me feel better.) The year before, jumping back and forth from family to family exhausted me and made me miserable.

I don’t want a repeat this year.

And so I just wanted to skip it all.
All of it.

Finally I got to the point that Dave helped me make a decision about how we are going to balance celebrating with both of our families. So, that got that decision out of the way. Some of the other things are still unresolved.

The whole point behind this is:
Where is my joy?

I have celebrated that I am going to be having one more appointment with my counselor. I have been celebrating the fact that I am SO much better now than I was this time last year. I have been celebrating with Cindy some of the amazing changes in response to prayer in her life. I have reasons to rejoice, and to find joy.

One of the things that my psychiatrist said to me early this year was that he wanted me to look for “joy moments” in my life. Rather than focusing on how good or bad I was feeling that day, (which could pull me down more) he wanted me to look for things that gave me joy. His goal was to help me increase my “joy moments” to the level I desired them to be at.

For a long time now, I haven’t focused on how many joy moments I have had each day… I just know that things have been getting better.

I do know from recent reading that the more joy you experience, the more you can experience. Your capacity to experience joy gets bigger the more you experience joy… therefore increasing your capacity to experience joy… and on it goes.

So this season I know that I need to focus on Joy… Jesus.

I have found several verses. Verses to encourage me to focus on God, to focus on the author and perfecter of my faith. Verses to give me something to grab onto… the joy that is to be my focus for this season.

There are two that I will share here.

“The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.”
Psalm 126:3

And,

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

The Lord has done great things for me, and I do have a sense of joy, deep inside. Sometimes I lose track of that joy. The external things distract me. The worries of this world. The struggles to do what is right, to help my family, to just get through day to day sometimes.
So I am going to try to do God’s will for me… to be joyful always, to pray continually, and to give thanks in all circumstances. That was what my post on giving thanks was all about. There are so many things that are a struggle for me. I know there are going to be things that I will struggle with for my whole life. I know that new things will crop up.

I know that little by little God is going to bring up things as I am ready to deal with them.
I know that He will equip me to deal with them.

Either He will give me tools that I can use by myself (tools taught to me by my counselor, and through the experiences I have had, and the things I have worked through) or He will give me people to walk with me through them.

He will give me Himself… He is living inside of me. He will guide me and be my source of life, joy and peace.

His Joy.
That I what I want to remember today.

His Joy.

It isn’t anything I can manufacture.
It isn’t anything I can buy.
It isn’t anything I can contain.

His Joy.
It is a free gift.
It comes with His Son.
It comes from His son.

His Joy.

That is what this season is all about…

Jesus.
He is Joy, and I want to focus on Him.

Usually we have an advent calendar that counts down the 25 days to Christmas. I want to take the 25 days, and each day, find joy in it.

Joy.

In anything that goes on in my day, in anything that goes on in my life. Anything that I can find I am grateful for, thankful for, that gives me joy, down to my soul, in the depths of my heart.

Because isn’t that what this Christmas season is all about? Isn’t that why we celebrate Christmas?

Jesus is the reason for the season.
It sounds corny, I know.

But really.

Isn’t He the reason the great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel that spoke to the shepherds praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom His favor rests.”
Luke 2:13-14

Those heavenly hosts were praising God. Rejoicing. (Forgive my liberty here…I am slightly paraphrasing and interpreting) They were filled with joy at seeing the Lord’s prophecies coming true.

This Christmas season I want to be focused on Jesus. I want to focus on joy. Jesus gives me this joy deep in my heart and despite the trials I may be going through, or the struggles I might be facing, I will focus on the joy He gives me.

My intention, since this is Advent, the anticipation of Christmas, is to focus on one thing (or more) that I can find joy in each day. All the joy moments I can find… to prepare my heart, and refocus my thoughts.

Today: Joy because my Savior has touched my heart and saved me so that can testify to His healing power.

And another simple one: I got to play in the new fallen snow with my kids, having a snowball fight, shoveling the driveway, and taking a bit of a walk with them… catching snowflakes on our tongues. It was a joy just to spend that time with them.

The thief...

I remember my friend Amy writing a post not that long ago talking about how depression comes in like a thief.

She is right.

Depression.
It has been stalking me.

Depression.
It caught up with me this past week.

Depression, as Amy said, tries to rob our peace and joy. Rather, the enemy uses it to steal the blessings of God. Actually, I will amend that again. He can’t steal the blessings of God. They have been given to us by God and can’t be taken away. The enemy actually comes in and tries to keep us from recognizing the blessings, from using the blessings and power God has given us. The enemy tries to prey on things he knows we have fallen victim to in the past.
He focuses on clouding our feelings, feeding us little lies that we base our feelings on. If I am feeling like God is not answering my prayers, if I feel like He is not caring about my problems and struggles and concerns… well, I get depressed, I feel sad and angry. I feel lost and alone. But though the feelings are real, they are based on lies.

As I have been writing this, I have just realized the above. I need to take the time out (once the kids are in the bath) and just focus on some main truths of who I am in Christ, His love for me, and the riches He has poured out upon me. I am going to take the time to soak in some scripture to counteract the lies I have found in my mind.

I was a mess all day today. The depression I can deal with. I know that part of it, and the anxiety, could be chemical imbalances. I can deal with that. It is the feeling of complete isolation, and loneliness, and the feeling of being totally left alone by God.

I wasn’t thinking clearly all day. I feel like right now… as I started writing this post… that my mind is clear for the first time. I may still have all the emotions (and I do for sure) but at least God has helped clear my mind and see where I was allowing my thoughts to go.
I called my sweet friend Cindy today, and she talked with me a bit about some significant issues that I am dealing with right now. Almost as soon as we started talking, I started crying. As she prayed for me, I just sobbed.

Maybe I just needed a good cry. Maybe I just needed that little bit to lie down and not have to “do” anything. Maybe I just needed to talk with someone who really knows me and understands. And that was what has helped me.

Maybe.
Maybe that’s what someone else might think.

I choose to believe that the clearing up of my head, and the confusion that has cleared somewhat, the peace that I find stealing over my thought processes… that is from God. I choose to believe that He is answering the prayers of Cindy. I choose to believe that His answers come at just the right time. Whether that is in my timing or not doesn’t matter. I mean, it matters to me, to my feelings, and if I think that the answers are coming too late, I get upset and frustrated and impatient, and hurt. But I need to learn to let go… and let God do what He is going to do. Because He knows best.

In the meantime, I have got to find a way to get my mind and heart to believe and trust God. I want to allow Christ to fill my heart and mind with His presence and His thoughts. I want to allow the Holy Spirit to prompt and guide and convict me… and to minister to my hurting heart, my bruised emotions. I need the healing balm to cover over me and touch every part of my mind, heart and spirit.

Nothing less will do.

He is all I want.
He is all I have ever needed.

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:10

I want that life to the full. The enemy has been trying to steal, kill and destroy…. He has wreaked havoc in my emotional life. You wouldn’t know it to look at the outside. I have been able to continue doing what I need to do for my family. I have been keeping up on the kitchen cleaning, I have kept up on laundry (pretty well) and have been able to consistently keep food on the table. I have been functioning better than I used to when depression really hit me. So that is a big sign of healing for me.

But this is the first time that I can remember that depression has really hit me in the last couple of months with any type of force. When I was working through things I expected it. But this took me by surprise.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all ; no one can snatch them out of my Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
John 10:27-30

I will cling to the truth that I shall never perish, and that God is greater than all, and that no one, no one, can ever snatch me out of His hand.

If I memorize and meditate on these verses alone… well, talk about security no matter the circumstances swirling around me. I am held securely in the Father’s hands, I have been given eternal life, Jesus knows me, and is one with His father, and because He is in me, I am one with Him.

Bombardment, trust and a steadfast mind...

Yesterday, I was longing for a break.

We’ve had some stress the week with getting our heating fixed after our dishwasher flooded and shorted out what ended up being an easy fix that was overlooked the first time (just the thermostat).

We had a lot of time with family. It is very good, but sometimes the “people time” can get a bit noisy and overwhelming.

I really was longing for a break.

Another stress that I have had is my beloved coffee shop has changed hands. I know, it doesn’t seem that big, does it?

All I wanted to do was run away to my coffee shop, to my hidden corner table and sit and read and pray and cry. Well, with the new management, the shop and bookstore were rearranged. So, unfortunately, I lost my private corner. It will be interesting when I try to go in there for some quiet time, and find myself needing a good cry!!!

I have had a wonderful break this week with the relatives in town. They were so anxious to see the kids, that there have been several nights where one, if not both of them have been out at the farm. It has been a blessing.

Today, as Dave was working downstairs, and heading to work, I hand washed the dishes (no dishwasher till next week) and decided that I would take my daughter to the coffee shop. I wasn’t sure how she would do… but where I was able to sit, there was a direct line of sight to the “kids area” where they have a small table to draw on with chalk, some dolls and books, and blocks, etc.

She was so good. She gave me 2 (!!!) hours. She sat and played and I was able to read the bible a bit, and look outside and just soak in the atmosphere and try to relax. It worked some. (the relaxing, that is…)

I guess the longing for a break wasn’t so much needing a break from the kids, or anything else really.

Rather, it has been the bombardment I have been under for the past week. Mind and heart focus on God has been the exception rather than the rule. I have been having a really hard time keeping my focus where it needs to be.

So I guess that I am having some difficult times, and would really covet your prayers.
I know that as I move out and away from counseling… well, I have said this before. I really need to kick in with the things I have learned and keep going.

I had a really great quiet time the other day that talked about 2 things I really needed to hear.

One was talking about the difference between the rich young ruler and Zacchaeus. The rich young ruler stopped short of fully following Christ, allowing his love of his possessions to cause him to shrink back.

Zacchaeus, though he also was rich, did everything he could to get close to Jesus, and when Jesus approached him, he gladly welcomed Him into his home. And then gave away half his possessions and paid back with interest anyone he stole from.

Zacchaeus pressed in to following Jesus, doing whatever it takes. The rich young ruler backed away.

One of the things that Beth Moore said in the study was that Jesus doesn’t want to take away our possessions, He wants to be our greatest possession.

Jesus doesn’t want me to shrink away from Him because I feel something is too demanding or too difficult; He wants me to press in hard and continue to follow Him. He doesn’t want me to feel that He is trying to take things away from me. He wants to become the only, all important, thing in my life, so He is the focus, not my finances, possessions or the lack thereof.

It was a blessing for me to hear that… and a challenge.

A blessing, because it was a reassurance that He really isn’t going to “take my fun away,” like many people think might happen once they become Christians. He just wants to be number one. Which is where He is supposed to be.

A challenge because it was a call to follow Him deeper, farther, with more passion and conviction than I have before. I might suffer for that deeper following, deeper conviction. But He still wants me to follow Him with more passion… suffering included or not.

He has given me a deeper desire for His word. In the midst of struggles and decisions, I have a deeper longing for His word. I want His word deep in my heart and mind because that is what is going to keep me strong in the midst of adversity.

Please pray for me so that I can withstand what feels like a storm in my soul. I am able to continue to live my life, which is such a blessing and so different from a year ago.
Please pray that I will continue to seek God, and seek his Word, and be able to memorize it. Pray that I will find the time each day.

Pray that I will rely on Him and Him alone, rather than my own strength.

Pray that I will be able to make the continuous decision to trust Jesus in all areas of my life, no matter what they look like.

I want to trust with my heart so my mind is steadfast.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you.”
Isaiah 26:3

"Yes to God" Chapter 10, Healing truth

Oh to have to read the last chapter of this book! To have to write the last post for this book… I have been dragging my feet all week. I haven’t wanted to end either.

This past year has been one of such learning! Such growth! God has used this book by Lisa in an amazing way to help complete the healing in such a short time frame. I never expected that when I finished this book, that I would be also looking at my last counseling session coming up.

Recognizing who I am in Christ has been hard for me… especially in the past 3 years. As my depression got more and more pronounced, I just didn’t feel like I had any real truth about who I was to keep me steady and stayed on Him. I truly did feel, like Lisa said, that God dropped a stitch when He was knitting me together in my mother’s womb.

I thought I should be who my family wanted me to be, or like those I looked up to, and all it did was muddy the waters.

Lisa said,
“It has been a beautiful thing in my life to let go of the ideas I have for me and ask God to develop in me those things He intends me to do and to be the person He intends me to be…. I am talking about saying to God, ‘Have your own way with me.’ Recognize that in the process of making you, God didn’t have an ‘oops!’ moment.”

This has been a big part of this past year for me. I’ve continually beat myself up for quitting my student teaching. For not managing to finish with a teaching degree. For not using my musical gifts in a “professional” area. For not being a good enough wife. For not being a good enough mother. For not being a good enough ___________. Fill in the blank: Christian, daughter, grand-daughter, friend, person… and then it led me to the thought that I shouldn’t be here, that I was just a mistake.

As I have finally learned to let go, and let God have His way with me, I have come into more and more freedom. He has awakened things in me I thought I had lost. The biggest was a thirst for Him that I haven’t experienced ever since I was a new Christian. Another one was the joy I got from writing and singing. I had lost writing, and almost lost my joy in music as well.

Admitting my mess-ups has been hard for me, because I clung to them as an identity. I had to let God clear up who I was in Him, and then not wade in the cesspool of condemnation. It was hard to admit I screwed up, and then LET GOD TAKE CARE OF IT!!

I love what Lisa said:
“God is quick not only to forgive us; He is quick also to restore us.”

Oh, how thankful I am for that! I’ve gotten some very visual reminders of how much He loves me, of the depths of His forgiveness, and what His redeeming and restoring work is in my life. I’m so grateful that my mistakes aren’t held against me, but that I can learn from them, and He helps me to walk away from them and not make more mistakes on top of them, and end up worse off that I was before.

The pain I’ve been in and through in my life, because of my choices or others, has been enough to cripple me this past year. If I hadn’t been given the strength to deal with the pain, and take a good hard look at it and allow God into it, I don’t know that I would be here right now.

All my life, I applied a soothing balm… of time, of distraction, or of attempting to move on with my life. It covered over the hurts, but never healed them. The worldly things I tried to anesthetize my soul didn’t work permanently.

Only God can apply the healing balm… of really looking into the pain, and touching it with His love, His forgiveness, His restoration, His TRUTH. That really heals. I may have scars left, but this year I’ve been healed by the Truth, my God.

Lisa is right when she said that all God desires is to take my brokenness and yours and set all of us free by the Truth that we were once so afraid to face.

That is truly what has happened this year in counseling. I was so afraid to see the Truth, to see God in the face of all I had done, and all that had been done to me. But, all my brokenness has been exposed to the light of day, and to the light of the Truth. All God has wanted is to set me free. That’s all He wants to do for you. Once we are free, the possibilities are endless. I know that now that I am free of so much pain that was shackling me, I can do whatever He leads me to.

More than that, I know that even if I don’t know right now specifics of what to “do,” He uses me. I have so much baggage, but God has freed me from it, and now can use it to help others. As Lisa said, being used by God is the one time that being “used” by someone felt good!

Today I can say that I have truly tasted the goodness of God, tasted the freedom, tasted the healing that I never thought I would.

Truth time:
Is my soul truly set free? Is the truth behind my eyes the same as what others see?

Answer:
I think so. I hope so. I feel like I am set free, that my soul is. I think there are probably some things that I still have to work through, but who doesn’t have something?
I’ve struggled with the idea of needing to pray for someone who hurt me. Still am. Finding others to pray for specifically… or God is finding them for me.

I realized that I canceled my counseling appointment with Tricia this week, and I really didn’t feel stressed. I did schedule another appointment, in a couple of weeks. To know that I have one out there, my last one to talk a few things over with her, gives me freedom to see what it is like to get through a month without “needing” to talk to her about everything.
One other thing… to be truthful… (sigh)

I’ve realized just how much I am going to miss Tricia. I praise God for her. I’m so thankful for how He has used her to help me along this road of healing I have been on. I know that it is time to end our relationship as counselor/client. I’m OK with that. I’m just going to miss her. I’ll be praying for her. I know that if we never meet again on this side of heaven, I’ll be able to see her there, and hopefully then express to her how incredibly grateful I am that she has allowed God to use her as He has, not only in my life, but the lives of countless others she’s invested herself in.

However, my prayer is that someday, this side of heaven, when the right amount of time has passed, God will bring us back together and allow us to meet and develop a relationship on the equal footing of friendship. I don’t know that it will happen. But that is my prayer.
If it doesn’t get answered the way I would like, I won’t be disappointed, because God has the best for me and the best for her in His heart. He knows what will be best for both of us. I’m extremely blessed to have known her for this brief year. I’m forever grateful to God for bringing her into my life, me to her, when I so desperately needed someone to come alongside who cared and who could guide me ever closer to God.

In closing, (it is so hard to try to figure out how to sum this whole study, this whole book, this whole year up) our church has a Thanksgiving service this Sunday night. We do this annually where we open up the mic to whoever wants to come forward and share a praise. I couldn’t bring myself to go last year. Just out of the hospital 3 weeks, I couldn’t find anything praiseworthy.

This year, well, I really don’t know what to share or how to share it, because I could be up there ALL night! This year has been incredible. Looking back now, I can see God’s hand all over it. I look at all the struggles I had, and how I thought the darkness would never end… and now… oh words can’t express what I am feeling right now!

I can only pray that more and more what people see from me is truly what is going on inside of me. That my actions and words match with what is really going on inside. I don’t want to act the part anymore. If things are going bad, I don’t want to fake the perfect life. If things are going good, I want to share that with others. I want to be free to rejoice with, or cry with others as the need arises. I want to be approachable. I want to be used by God to bring healing to His people who are hurting. However that happens I don’t know. Yet.

I want to leave with two quotes from Lisa that caught me enough that they rated not only underlining, but also highlighting!

“He [God] wants us to realize the freedom - true freedom - that comes with letting go of the struggle, once and for all, over our past mistakes, major life interruptions, and wrongs that have been done to us. He desires to remove that which has incapacitated us and held us captive - unable to fly and soar and be the beautifully created person He has made us each to be. Jesus wants to fix everything in us that has ever been broken, not temporarily soothing it on the exterior, but healing it in places not able to be seen by the human eye….

His arms are a place of ultimate security and peaceful rest.”

There is nothing more powerful that to realize the Creator of the whole universe, is your Creator, that you are the apple of His eye, and that He searches after you with undivided attention until you are found by Him…. and then He holds you, oh so carefully, gently, and securely in His arms… and that He wants to HEAL EVERY HURT! He wants to heal you and me and everyone else, until we all realize who we are in Him, and are able to live from that Truth in our everyday life.

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May God bless all of you. Thank you for joining in this journey with me: through this book, and for those of you who have been around longer, through this past year. I can’t tell you what your prayers and support have meant. Please don’t cease praying for me; I won’t cease praying for you. God has so much more to do in all of our lives.

Just because I see the end of a season for me doesn’t mean an end! It really means a new beginning. I never thought I would say this, but I have a new beginning!

So do we all!

Thank you Lelia for hosting this. I can’t tell you how God has used you in my life. You are the first person who ever contacted me, other than my family, on my blog… the first “bloggy friend” I made… and the first person I ever started praying for that I met through a blog. My husband thought I was nuts (still does, I think) :) But I know that God has been behind all of this. I praise God for you Lelia, and continue to pray for you. God bless you, and I love you!

Hearing His voice...

One of the benefits of counseling with Tricia has been learning to listen for and recognize God’s voice.

It seems weird that it took counseling for me to really hear that. You would think that counseling is all about talking. My talking to her, and her responding, teaching, etc. But it was more than that. There were times when things that she said really resonated within me, or pricked my heart. Those were times when I knew God was speaking to me, using Tricia’s voice.

But then there were those other times. I noticed them happen especially when we were doing the EMDR therapy. We went through the therapy in sets, in between which, we would talk briefly and then have another quiet set. It was during those times of quiet that I really noticed something happening. I would end up starting to have a conversation in my head. In reality, I realized I was focusing my questions and concerns at God. I was focusing on the hurts that we were working through, but when I opened myself up to God, silently asking Him to show me lies, when I cooperated with the process, He really did open up things more quickly for me and show me things that I was believing.

Usually by the end of a session, Tricia would have given me encouragement and prayed through the sets for me… and there was something else. Usually near the end, as I would start getting to a point of needed to get the lies replaced, God would really start to speak to me. Not really in a voice, but sometimes giving me an image to focus on (like where He held my heart in His hands and was healing it) or by giving me a song that spoke right into where I was at, or by speaking right into my head. I know it sounds strange. But scripture phrases would “randomly” come into my head, in the silence. Truth based on scripture would come into my head, not exactly in my own voice… I wish I knew how to better explain it. I just know that when I would share with Tricia what impressions I got, or what I saw or heard, she was able to help me discern what was truth and what wasn’t. I was able to figure out from that the difference between God’s whisper, and the enemy’s shout.

It seems crazy that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a whisper and a shout. But when you have been listening to the shouting for so long, your ears tend to be ringing so bad that you can’t hear the whispers.

Besides, when I was hearing the lies, I was unsettled in my soul, my heart was upset, and physically I felt sick. When I was hearing God’s whisper into my heart and soul, I was at peace. I was able to let out the hurtful emotions and feel renewed, though exhausted, at the end.

Now I have found at least one place that I am able to be still enough to hear God. That is the coffee shop that I frequent. Now my hope is to find a way or a place to have a “retreat” at home as well. I just want to have a place where I can get away from the kids, my husband and not feel like I am in the way of anyone. However our house is so small that there really is no place for me to go.

I want to have it before I finish counseling. My next counseling session is the first week of December, and it will probably be my last one… if everything goes well. So I want to be able to have a place besides the coffee shop and Tricia’s office as a place of retreat!

I guess that would be a prayer request I have then. That I will be able to find a place. I know that God can meet me anywhere, and He has. I just know that I need to have a place I can run to when I need the quiet and concentrated time with my Lord. I want to continue to change and grow as He continues to lead me on in healing and wholeness. I know I will never get all the way there in this world. But I want to have Him as my focus.

When that happens, well, then it is like Cindy said… I look to her, like a completely different person than I was when she met me a year and half ago.

I change from the inside out… and I want that inside to be Christ alone, not the lies or the problems I have had in the past. Just Him. Nothing more; nothing less.

"Yes to God" Chapter 9... Flawed yet forgiven

Right now I am sitting in Beatitudes. Beatitudes is a coffee shop. This coffee shop is the realization of a dream that a Christian woman in our community had for years. After years of trying and praying she was able co-rent the space with someone who wanted to open a bookstore. What goes together better than coffee and books?

The walls have interesting artwork, warm colors… strategically placed table lamps and track lighting, soft music in the background, tables and chairs arranged in conversation areas, free wi-fi (hence my being able to write this here). This place has become a haven for me. A safe place. A place where I walk in and immediately relax.

If I could I would transport you all here. It is so much more conducive to conversation. I want conversations with you. To really see you all face to face, not just blog to blog… I want to share my heart with you. I want to share with you some of the things that this chapter stirred up in me. I will do the best I can through this medium. But, I want so much for you to see my face, to be able to get the expressions, and really be able to see my heart and know the depth of love I have for Christ, for you… see, words are failing me already. Only a hug and my tears can express what I am feeling right now.

When I say tears, I mean it. I can hardly hold them in right now, in this public setting with people around me.

To see how this book, “Behind Those Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle has impacted others lives, visit Lelia, and follow the links there to others blogs… (thank you Lelia for setting this all up!!!)

At the end of the chapter, Lisa wrote:
“While Satan would love for you to believe that you are too flawed and too unworthy of forgiveness, Jesus wants you to know that nothing could be farther from the truth.”

As I have worked through things in my counseling… all these different issues, hurts, lies… all the time I have felt I was too flawed and unworthy of that incredible forgiveness Jesus extends to me. As each issue was dealt with and healed, I got a little closer to believing that though I had these flaws, God still forgave me. Then the next issue would come up, and I would feel again that THIS sin, or hurt, or issue was the one that God wouldn’t forgive.

Now that I have seen His consistency in forgiving me, cleansing me, each time… well, I find myself more eager to fall on His grace and mercy, knowing it is going to be there to hold me up, rather than be pulled out from under me at the last minute.

The healing I have received this year has served to bring me ever closer to Him. The flaws and pains that have run so deep… as they are healed, His balm of forgiveness and healing has gone just as deep, to fully heal them.

Like Lisa said,
“…when I first realized in my heart and it began to sink into my soul that being so deeply flawed left me with the ability to be forgiven by God equally, the flaws suddenly felt really important to the process.”

Yes, I am going to continue to sin. I can struggle against it, but I am not going to be perfect. I am not going to be able to live without mistakes. But God’s grace, love, acceptance and forgiveness will cover over all that, and heal and guide and correct me.

(A side note for you all, now I am writing the rest of this at home, at my desk… wish you were here so we could gather in my living room and talk… but I said that already… ok, back to work…)

In counseling last year, I started with an issue that had plagued me and caused me a lot of pain. At the time, I saw it as an isolated incident. Now, I am not so sure.

In college I became friends with a young woman. We were both Christians, but very young in our faith, and both been hurt in our past. We both acted our of our hurt.

As Lisa said in her post today, “My new unspoken motto became, ‘I’ve been hurt, I am hurt, and I will live my life, acting out of that pain.’"

I think that was our unspoken motto. I never realized it at the time. She was very needy and manipulative, and I needed to be needed by someone.

We started down the road of sin. You know the one. Where once you have stepped onto it, you suddenly start to slide, down and down, until you hit the bottom with a gut wrenching crash and look up and wonder how you got there in the first place.

Somewhere down in that muck and slime, God pulled me out, and gave me the desire to distance myself from that sin, and from the friendship that kept leading me back there. I looked at what I was doing and shuddered, as I was doing it! I kept getting sucked back in. God kept after me. Finally after probably a 2 year struggle all together, I finally was able to make a clean break and walk away from that friendship.

I walked away, pushing it down, burying it. I was angry at her for her influence and how I allowed her to control me. I was angry at myself for knowingly taking steps and doing thing that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt were wrong. I hated her, and I hated myself. But I couldn’t express that, so I tucked it away with all the other hurt and anger and hatred.

When I started the counseling, we ended up approaching this situation first. I was scared to death. I walked through it using EMDR with Tricia. I left her office that Friday night, very shaky. I didn’t really realize where I was at until I was on the way home, feeling nauseous. All weekend I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t function. I called her office Monday, and got an appointment with her the next morning.

After a couple of appointments that week, we were able to revisit the scene, the image I had in my head. It was shameful and humiliating, trapped and made powerless by my own choice. I could see the image, vividly, but then it was covered with a waterfall of His blood. I could almost feel it pouring down on me. I felt like I was standing under the waterfall.

Literally, Christ’s blood pounding down on my head and shoulders, drenching me, head to toe.
Oh, for the first time I felt clean from that sin! Really clean. And I knew. I knew that I was forgiven. I knew that all God saw was the blood of His Son, cleansing me. It was a powerful image. I can still see it now. I can still feel it now.

I find it ironic, that Lisa’s “Getting Real” section would be to commit to praying for someone who hurt you. Because I read that. Last week. Then I got in the car to go somewhere. As I was about to get on the highway, I said out loud… in my car…

“I could never pray this for HER,” thinking of that young woman from college. Guess what? That is exactly what God wants me to do. Surprise, surprise! (sigh)

I have been resisting it all week. I finally made myself sit down last night and work my way through the study guide more carefully, last night. Then I journaled. As I did, God started speaking to my heart. He showed me a huge root of bitterness, still lurking there.

I already forgave her. I already felt God’s forgiveness. But, He reminded me of something we had touched on in counseling, and brought it into focus. The bitterness, anger and hatred that still festered was related to her. I realized I blame her for bad choices I made after our friendship was over. I was hurt in our friendship, and again, I reacted and made other choices out of that hurt.

For better or worse, I blame her, and that ties me to her, as much as covenant marriage vows bind me to my husband.

A year ago I was dealing with that friendship, at the beginning of counseling. Today I am dealing with that friendship, at the end of counseling.

I called my dear, sweet friend Cindy tonight, while the kids were in their bath. (Actually, in your time, it was about 3 paragraphs ago.) I expressed to her that I was writing this post. I also told her where I was at in dealing with the ramifications of this relationship… and was honest.

I told her that I had been stiff-arming God all week. I have been going to Him in other areas, and following His guidance through them, except this one area, all week, knowing what He was asking. I have been telling Him, “NO!!”

Cindy said that she would be praying for me as I processed through writing this post. And as I dealt with the emotions that were coming up as a result, the hurt and anger. I was literally shaking as I talked to her because of where I was at, as I wrote this.

She challenged me to pray for my former friend.
Before I finished writing this post.
Oh, I didn’t want to hear that.
But I knew she was right.

I nearly cried right then and there. But I had to go, get the kids out of the tub, do the bed time routine of, read, snuggle and pray… and then…

…while I laid in bed next to my daughter, I prayed. I asked God to show me how to pray, to guide me in even what to pray for, because I didn’t want to. I was honest with Him. I know that He already knew how I was feeling, and that I didn’t want to pray for her. But I needed to say it.

Then I was able to pray for her. I prayed for her faith, her family, that God would bless her, and then I felt led to pray one more thing for her:

That she would find help like I did, and come to full healing in Christ. That she would find freedom in Christ. That she would find all the love and acceptance she ever needs in Christ. That she would find what I have found in this past year.

I didn’t have a name or word for it then, just this feeling in my heart of hearts.

Now these words are just pouring out of me, and though there are more than I have here, all the words in the world simply cannot describe the indescribable.

…Truth. Peace. Joy. Healing. Freedom. Redemption.Blessing.Love.Acceptance.SignificanceHopeSecurityForgiveness…
I pray she has found
who she is in
…JESUS…

"Yes to God" Chapter 8... Loved and Accepted

“Deep down inside, when no one is around and the only sound that breaks the silence is the beating of our own hearts, we long to feel the warm embrace of love wrapped around us. We desire to truly experience lasting and genuine love, maybe for the first time in our lives. What we thought would bring us love has let us down, and we are tired of searching. Even the best of our earthly relationships with the strongest bonds of earthly love cannot quench the INSATIABLE THIRST of our souls for a DEEPER CONNECTION… so much so that we’re not even sure anymore that it really exists.”

“[God's love] is strong, and it is swift. It is a heavenly wonder, unmatched by anything earthly. And when you experience it in your heart, it makes it IMPOSSIBLE to settle for love of any other kind.”

“Our birth certificate has been stamped with a seal of authenticity as a child of God, and He is NEVER GIVING US BACK OR LETTING US GO.”

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“God has done things to show us His UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE of us like none other ever has or ever will. Rest assured that Someone who would go to the trouble of counting the number of hairs on your head loves you entirely and accepts you completely, with SHEER ABANDON.”
Lisa Whittle, from “Behind Those Eyes,” emphasis mine.

When I started this study, hosted by Lelia, never in my wildest imaginations did I dream that this book would so parallel the road of healing I have been on for the past year. God knew that learning to come out of hiding, learning to stop suppressing my emotions, learning to trust Him, learning that He loves and accepts me… all needed to be reinforced. It needed to go from my head to my heart.

God placed me with an incredible counselor who, through the EMDR therapy she uses, was able to help me start connecting the head knowledge I had about God, and the truth of who I am, to my heart. She has helped me work through things so that I am getting to the point where I KNOW and BELIEVE the truth that God has spoke to me through His word.

So many of the other women I have met through this study have talked about getting this knowledge from their heads to their hearts that God loves and accepts them completely and fully, with no reservations.

Through this book, God has been reinforcing all the things I have been learning in counseling. I can hardly describe the journey I have been on. The thing is, since I started posting for this bible study, I haven’t been writing much about how my counseling has been going. Because this book study has been forcing me to focus on things each time, they have carried over into my counseling, and Tricia has been able to help me process through them.

But I have to share this. Yesterday was a break through in counseling in a major way. I mean, we worked through a bad memory, but I got the chance to read my post to her, “A year ago,” and it made Tricia cry. I didn’t expect that, and she didn’t either. She thanked me for sharing it because she said that she doesn’t often get to see the end result of counseling… the end result in a client’s life, from the client’s perspective. It encouraged her when she needed it.

After reading that to her, we both came to the conclusion that my time of counseling with her is finished.

Did you hear that?
FINISHED!!!

I never thought in a million years that only one year after starting counseling, I would be finishing up.

She and I both agreed we may have to sweep up a few loose ends, but in reality, everything has been worked through. She has given me the tools I need to work through things on my own, as they come up. God has given me the ability to process through issues and hurts as they come up, so that I can deal with them and bring the light of truth into each situation.

I am learning how to apply the truth! I am learning that the things I know about God and myself, I can believe fully in my heart.

Out of all of this time, this past year, a passion has been growing inside of me. I didn’t know how to really put a name to it in any definitive way. I have a passion for writing, for singing and leading in worship, for speaking to others. But I didn’t know how to put it together.

I think I now know more of what it is. As I have learned more about God’s love and acceptance for me, He has opened my eyes to see that there are so many others that don’t know and really BELIEVE that God loves and accepts them. Oh, how I want to share what He has revealed to me through His word and His active work in my life!

I have such a desire to see other women find the healing that I have received.

God’s love is so incredible. Just reading the verses that Lisa had in her chapter this week… there were two that I particularly liked, and I will add another one here for you as well.

“The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me - a prayer to the God of my life.” Ps. 42:8

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love.” Zeph. 3:17

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” Ps. 90:14

God’s acceptance of us.

It isn’t just a toleration of us, but wholehearted acceptance. Without conditions. Without concerns about our past. Without looking for anything else from us, but to trust Him, and to draw near to Him.

He won’t reject us. He won’t harm us. He won’t use us (in the bad sense of the word). He won’t leave us lying bruised and brokenhearted on the floor. Not like the people and things we have pursued time and again looking for that love and acceptance we so need. He picks us up in His hands. He cradles us in His arms as He whispers His songs of love over us in the night time of our hearts.

Oh beautiful child of the only Living God…

• Do you know that He loves you?
• Do you know that He accepts you?
• Do you know that He gave his only beloved Son to die for you, so you can stand unashamed before Him?
• Do you know that along with His Son, He will give you, out of His lavish grace, all things?
• Do you know that it doesn’t matter to Him how hungry you have been and how you have looked in the world to satisfy that hunger and thirst inside?
• Do you know that the trouble and difficulties you have gone through, the hardship that you have faced don’t deter Him?
• Do you know that the swords that have cut you to ribbons in this life, the persecution you have faced from family, friends, strangers who didn’t understand you can’t ever slow Him down?
• Do you know that the nakedness, being stripped bare in front of everyone, or in the spotlight of your mind’s eye, doesn’t disgust Him?

Nothing.

Not any of these things can possibly separate you from God’s love.

He has shown us that love through Christ’s death on the cross. He has shown us that He understands all we have gone through and tried to do on our own. He has shown us He loves us. He has shown us that He accepts us because we are beautiful and precious in His sight.
He sees who He has created us to be. He has a vision for us that cannot be denied. He has a purpose for our lives that will not be thwarted. He will complete the good work He has started.

He won’t stop loving us, or reject us ever.
EVER!

“Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Ps. 34:5

Standing covered with His blood and righteousness, we may look up at Him with no fear in our heart, no shame in our soul. We are clean and without blemish before Him. And He loves us with an everlasting love. Nothing will change that.

We are secure.
In Christ.
Alone.

That’s more than enough for me.

What about you?

A year ago...

A year ago.

A year ago today.

A year ago today.
I was sitting in the hospital.

A year ago today.
I was in the middle of my stay on the mental health unit.

A year ago today.
I was at the tail end of the toughest day I’d had there yet.

I was discharged from the hospital on Friday, November 2, 2007. My husband and I had a short lunch, and then went to my first meeting with my counselor, Tricia.

After a few moments of small talk, Tricia just came out and asked me, “So, what brings you here?”

As I wasn’t sure how much she had read up on my file from the hospital (I didn’t know if she had any of that info yet), I told her that I was just released from the hospital, because the previous weekend I had been determined to kill myself.

She asked about my past, about my family, my growing up years, college, etc. and I pretty much told her everything about myself. At the end of the session she said that she was surprised that I was that open with her in my first session. I told her at the time, that I had just come from the hospital, where really I had no choice but to be honest about everything I was thinking and feeling. I was still in that mode and it was much easier to talk to her about everything at once and get the door open.

In that short time of our first session together, I felt safe with her, and felt like I could really talk to her and she was really listening.

At the end of our session, she prayed with me. Then we stood up, and she offered me a hug. At that point, I knew that I wasn’t going to have look any further than her for a counselor.
After having several appointments with only a few days in between, I started seeing her once a week for an hour. At times when things got intense, we moved to 90 minute sessions. Through many ups and downs, steps forward and steps back (including another hospitalization), I am now seeing her once every other week, for an hour, with hopes to move out more than that…. Soon.

Through all this time, God helped me open up to her, helped me open up to Him. He used Tricia to teach me how to cope and then, not just cope, but how to actually survive and live day to day. Then not just survive and live day to day, but how to flourish and grow, in hope, love and joy.

It wasn’t easy. It took a long time. It took a lot of trust in God, and a lot of trust in Tricia to stay the course and go where they led me. I have had many times this past year where I haven’t wanted to live. Where I have just wanted to quit, to give up, to stop fighting. But God never gave up on me. He gave me everything I needed to get through, when I needed it.

I have been tired. I have been hurt. I have been depressed. I have been anxious, overwhelmed by fear…. some of this all at the same time.

I have gone through so many different emotions, from anger, fear, betrayal, rejection, despair; to peace, love, happiness, joy, excitement, amazement, freedom.

I am a different person than I was last year. I am dreaming dreams, hoping hopes, catching a whiff of God’s vision for the future. I realized that I can stand on my own without ultimately depending on anyone but God.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t need other people. I depend on my husband and kids, but they don’t define me. I can have close friends without overwhelming them, without putting them on a pedestal, without “becoming” someone I’m not, so I can be “ok.”

I may have a dependent personality, but it doesn’t have to rule my life and relationships. I can transfer that dependency to God.

I may have a melancholic personality. All that means that things touch me deeply. When I get hurt, it hurts deeply. When I love, I love deeply. When I feel any emotion, I feel it so deeply it becomes part of me.

Tricia pointed out to me at one point that King David had a melancholic personality. He felt deeply, loved deeply, sinned deeply, repented deeply, lived life to the full. (Maybe that is why I am drawn to the Psalms so much…)

The depth of feelings that I have are not a bad thing. They are good. As long as I keep my focus on God, and allow Him to help me deal with them. For me, still battling to come out from under all the lies I have believed, I have to truly live the verse from 1 Peter 1:13.

“Therefore prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

I need to stay prepared. Stay alert. Keep my mind focused on God. Fill my heart with His truth. When I get tired, and discouraged (as I am tonight) I need to look back and see the amazing things He has done. I need to set my hope on the grace He will give to me, the grace He has given me.

I have had to look back over this past year, and just remember where I was at this time last year. To really remember what I was thinking and feeling, the shame, hopelessness and despair… not to dwell on it, but to remind myself of where I was, so I can see where I am now.
Right now the point isn’t to think about the details of the struggles during this past year. The ups and downs of the year isn’t the focus.

Right now, I am seeing a snapshot of that terrified, exhausted, despairing, hopeless girl, ready to kill herself to get out of her misery, sitting in the office of a counselor she’d never met - baring her soul, not knowing what else to do in 2007.

Right now I am seeing a snapshot of a young woman, wife and mother, who is going to be leading the worship team in church this weekend, feeling freedom, joy, hope, even in the midst of some struggles at the moment. I see a woman who has been given some dreams by God in 2008.

I don’t know what will become of those dreams. All I know is that I have to follow God and He will take care of the rest.

When I am tired. When I feel like I don’t want to struggle anymore, and just want to give into the lies again…

Well, this was the verse that came to me tonight as I was writing this… in my fatigue, and in the struggle right now I am having with some depression that wants to steal the joy, energy, and victory from me…

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Matthew 11:28-30 (emphasis mine)

"Yes to God" Chapters 6&7... Cosmetics and Feelings

This week was so good going through these two chapters for our study through “Behind those Eyes” by Lisa Whittle. Thank you Lelia, for hosting this.

How in the world can I possibly cover all that hit me in these two chapters?! There was so much in each one, that I could write about 2 posts for each chapter! Especially with all that God has been teaching me this past week.

As I read Chapter 6, Cosmetics for the Soul, I was reminded so much of all the things I have gone through this past year. I have bought into the lies that Satan has been screaming at me for years. I have believe him. This past year has been all about breaking the hold those lies have had on me. Those lies have been planted because of the choices I have made. I have to own up to the responsibilities of the consequences of those… putting myself in situations that I should have never been in.

But like Lisa said,
“We must know who we are - who we really are - so that Satan’s lies cannot infiltrate our thinking and permeate our lives. We need to let go of the guilt and regrets from the past that color our opinion of our future while acknowledging mistakes we have made along the way.”

My counselor, Tricia, has helped me in identifying the lies I have been believing. God is faithfully showing me His truth about who I am, and about who He is. He has helped me memorize scripture in a way that I have never been able to before this. It has been sinking in and staying with me. The truth really is setting me free… God’s truth.

When I believed the lies of the enemy, when I felt vulnerable, there have been many times I did that dance, to cover up what I didn’t want others to see. I also tried to sew together fig leaves, to cover up the spots in my heart that were uglier than I wanted to see. I have been so afraid through counseling and healing, to look inside, see the ugliness, the selfishness, the sin, the anger and bitterness and hatred that has been there… towards myself, and others. It has been a scary and painful process.

I have believed so many of the enemy’s lies.

You are too damaged.
You are unworthy of love.
You have missed it.
You’ll never have a future.
And the kicker for me;
There is nothing to hope for. All is utterly hopeless. I am nothing. I shouldn’t even be here.

By God’s grace alone am I here. It is that grace that saved me when I first turned to Him, and it is that grace that saved me and preserved my life this year.

I can’t use those cosmetics anymore. If I do, I will find myself slowly dying inside again.

In Chapter 7, The Feelings We Conceal, I was hit upside the head again.

Lisa said,
“We conceal our past. We keep our real agendas hidden. We mask our true feelings and cover up our sins. We just can’t bear the thought of someone knowing what is really going on inside our souls, so perfectly hidden by the ‘beautiful’ things they see.”

I can admit to all the emotions that Lisa said were so prevalent in all of us, and extremely detrimental to authentic relationships with other women.

Insecurity has been a big one for me. Probably because I have bought into the lies of the enemy. I would go along, and then see someone else who sang better than I did, played the piano better than me, looked thinner, more beautiful, or had what appeared to be the perfect Christian walk. I immediately wished I was that person. I envied them, and eventually became jealous of them. Even if I hid it, it affected our relationship. It wasn’t possible to be authentic in those relationships because there was that underlying current of insecurity and jealousy (maybe on both of our parts, I don’t know for sure).

I loved the four things that Jonathan and David had in their relationship. Commitment to God, letting nothing come between them, strengthening their friendship when it was tested, and remaining friends to the end.

I found that type of friendship with Gwen. We became friends when we were in college, in our twenties. She stood by me through some tough times, and I have stood by her too, during her hard times. I think there have been times where stuff has tried to come between us. There have been times where we have been insecure and allowed jealousy to take root, (at least I know I have) but at the same time, we have stuck with each other and come out the other side stronger for it. Right now she is halfway around the world, in Zambia for a year. I miss her terribly, but love her and pray for her daily. I miss the chance to interact with her and see her. Ever since she moved away after college, I have been praying for someone else to have that type of friendship with.

God answered that prayer with Cindy. We have gotten to know each other during this past year and a half, and God has truly knit our hearts together. We are committed to our individual relationships with God. We have hung together during tough times in each others lives. We haven’t experienced jealousy, or fear in our relationship with each other.

We have been able to be completely and totally open with each other, with no fear that what we have said would go any further than between us and God. We have become true sisters, lifting each other up in prayer, giving Godly counsel, providing each other with a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on, rejoicing with one another when we have had triumphs, and comforting each other in our failures.

For me, fear and loneliness are big things that throw up a red flag for me. Especially as I struggle with depression. I don’t want to let on to others that I am not doing well. I isolate myself. I find myself wandering in a crowd of people, at a mall, or even in the midst of the choir I sing in, feeling like I am in a bubble that no one can touch me through, and unable to reach out. When I hit that loneliness, I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice… and that is a bad place for me to allow my thoughts go.

Fear has been a constant companion the last few years. I live daily with anxiety, though I am getting better at controlling it. I have spikes of fear about the most ordinary things, that wouldn’t necessarily faze anyone else.

I have been fearful of losing my husband, losing my kids, having a house fire or car crash, being attacked by someone… and most of these manifest themselves in terrible nightmares. Three was a stretch there where night after night, for long months I would wake up shaking and terrified from dreams, so much so that I couldn’t get back to sleep again.

It has been hard to admit those fears to someone. My counselor and Cindy have been people to whom I have been able to open up to. Fear of rejection is huge for me, as I have been rejected throughout my life by people, used and then rejected. So, God placed me among people with whom I could be safe. Tricia, Cindy, Gwen, my small group all have become places of safety for me. If I find myself fearing to be with them, I know that there is something going on inside that is afraid of being exposed.

I have found in the past few weeks, times where I have truly been afraid to go see Tricia, and keep my appointment with her. Or I have been afraid of, or not wanting to go to, small group which is very unlike me. Each time I have gone, God has blessed me by opening something up in counseling and healing me, or by giving me the opportunity to pray for and love on someone else who opened up in our small group.

Jesus has comforted me as I have started to dare to dream of being a writer… He has shown me that if He has not spared His son, but gave Him up for me, how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give me all things?

He wants to know my dreams. He wants me to pour out my heart to him, share my insecurities, jealousies, loneliness, fears… He wants me to be open with Him, others and myself… He wants me to stop the cover up, and open up and be real and authentic. I am tired of trying to conceal things. It is too exhausting. God has shown me this.

He has been stripping away my masks though this past year, and He has been stripping them away even more through the study of this book. Thank you, Lisa for your commitment to authenticity, and helping others get there too!

Things to do, places to go, people to see...

Somehow I got bit with the fall cleaning bug.

I may not be the greatest housekeeper in the world, but I do like to organize, and love living in a clean house. I just hate doing it…

Anybody with me here?!

You know its the little things I have to do:

Dust.
Pick up the yard toys and store for the winter.
Clear out the other half of the garage to get the other car in there.
Dust.
Wash the windows.
Empty out, wash and re-organize the kitchen cupboards.
De-cobweb the ceiling and corners.
Dust.
Clean out the china cabinet.
Dust.
Pack up all the things in said china cabinet.
Vacuum the stairs.
Dust.
Vacuum under the couch cushions.
Vacuum the bedroom floors.
Once I can see them.
Dust.
Clean out the inside of the light fixtures.
Dust.

“I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan…
my wedding to arrange…
my wife to murder…
and…
Guilder to frame for it…
I’m swamped.”

And did I mention I have to dust.

Do I dare to dream? What's in a name #11

When I said I was terrified, trapped, that I couldn’t do it,

He asked,
“Am I enough?”

I talked to Cindy about counseling and a bit more about my student teaching today, after my session with Tricia. I told her about how I felt God ask me if He was enough. I talked about how I felt I had wasted the 5 1/2 years of time and money in school with nothing to show.

In the midst of the therapy, God asked me, “Nothing?” And of course, coming to Christ at the end of my freshman year of college isn’t nothing. That’s when the “Am I enough” question came in from God.

When I relayed this stuff to Tricia, she asked me, “Ok, so is God enough?” I told her I didn’t know.

Lord, I don’t know. Are You enough? I want you to be. I long for Jesus alone, and nothing else, so I suppose that means that You are starting to be… Oh how I want to believe You are enough, really know it and believe it!

Tricia asked me if I’d had opportunities to take any English classes. I told her I did take some literature classes.

“Where you had to do some reading and writing?”

“Yes, we had to write some 30 page papers and stuff, and inside I was all excited, while everyone else was groaning.”

Maybe part of college was about writing, and learning to write better, that was Tricia’s thought. Maybe part of the thing of being in college was not only coming to Christ, but get more exposure to writing.

When I told this to Cindy, she just about died when something clicked for her. She said that as painful and hurtful as it was, maybe God stopped my student teaching to stop me from going in a direction He didn’t want me to go.

Because I hadn’t ever really asked Him about where He wanted me to go. I just assumed music was it and never thought anything else was possible.

I mean, the most I ever thought my writing would be was for me in my journals. The most I ever hoped, secretly in my heart, is that someday my family would want to look back, after I was gone, and want to read about my journey of faith, with it’s ups and downs. That’s one of the only reasons I have kept all my journals.

Never would I have dreamed to blog, except a friend was going overseas and started a blog to keep in touch, and so I did too. Now here I am writing my thoughts out for the world to see!
I wouldn’t have had my love for writing reawakened (at least from my perspective) without going through depression and trying to express myself somehow, and this blog turned into that medium.

So, can I embrace that?

Is He enough, even when He may have slammed that door in my face?

And another question.
Do I dare to dream?

Having a door slammed in my face, like that, especially with something I was so excited to do, and sank so much time and money into, and dreamed about for years and years… it killed something in me. It killed a dream but it also killed the desire to dream any other dreams. I think I started to believe a lie that I couldn’t dream. Or that my dreams weren’t worth anything. Or that God maybe didn’t want me to dream, or didn’t want to fulfill my dreams.
Before today, I believed that I could never have a dream again. I would get hurt if I did.
Before today, I said that it was my supervisor who slapped me in the face and slammed the door and made me give up.

He didn’t. He didn’t make me do anything. God shut that door. If God hadn’t, no one could have.

So do I say that God killed something in me?
Yeah, maybe He did.

Killed something in me so that something better could grow?
I hope so.

I know that after that time of losing my dream, I really didn’t dream big anymore. I would have fantasies once in a while… daydreams really… of what might be, of what relationships I might have with others, or once in a while, some way I could be used of God… But I dismissed them as pipe dreams, not grounded in reality, and certainly nothing that could really happen.
I haven’t dared to dream about something real. Something realistic. Something that God could really do. (Yes, I know, He could really do some of those other things if they were in His will… but I don’t think think that being a lead singer for a top Christian band or worship team is quite what He has in His mind for me…..)

But what about things that I know would be in His will… such as a stronger, healthier, deeper relationship with my husband… a better, more loving home for my kids… being a better mom and wife… I have been afraid to dream for the better or best for me and my family. Even afraid, or hesitant at least, to pray for them.

Anything deeper was way more than I could ask of God.

To dream for anything for myself….
It takes my breath away to even think about it…

Something that God might want for me… for me to do, or be, or become.

Really?!

Today, something started to break through to me today, in counseling. I started to realize that there might have been a reason that I went to college after all. Yes, becoming a Christian was a big part of that.

When Tricia talked about my writing… (gasp… did I just call it MY writing? Nope, no lightning bolts yet…) I started to see something. Cindy followed it up, and helped clarify it.
Tricia admitted she has the desire to write, but felt envious of me, because I have a knack for it that she feels she doesn’t. Cindy told me that she has been so impressed with my writing too. She said there is something about how I say things, and express my thoughts backed up with knowledge, experience, etc. that speaks to readers.

I couldn’t take a compliment. When they both complimented me on my writing, I looked away, dismissed it immediately, without a thought.

Cindy built on what Tricia said about college giving me an opportunity to test my wings in writing. Maybe God shut the door on my student teaching, maybe He was saving me for something better.

I would have settled for something good.
He had better, best in mind for me.

She said that maybe God has saved me for writing. Whether that is on a blog, editing others writing, writing my own articles/books/whatever. She even went so far as to say, giving book tours, needing to speak on those tours, and who knows, once I have spoken, help lead in worship!!! (good grief)

I was getting scared even hearing her verbalize all these things.

Seriously. I was scared.
Because I couldn’t verbalize them.
I couldn’t even think them.

I have recently started think that maybe God has given me the gift of writing, and have been afraid to acknowledge it. Scared to death. I have been afraid to ask God about it. Afraid to ask God for a dream. I have been afraid to let this dream take root in my heart so that I won’t be hurt if it never happens.

So, the question again.
Do I dare to dream? And dream big?

Oh God, can I dare to trust You with my heart and the dreams that are planted there? And are You still going to be enough if not one of those dreams ever come to fruition? Please give me the courage I need to take the leap You are asking me to - to trust You with my heart and dreams again - to surrender them to you and let You plant them and grow them as You will. Oh to have God-authored dreams and hopes! Help me to step out and let You have it all. Oh Lord, Tricia took it one step, Cindy took it the next, and though I tried, You didn’t allow me to block out their powerful words of encouragement. Please God, I want to be in the very center of Your will. Even if that means taking the risk to dream again. I love you, Jesus. Thank you so much for these revelations today. Amen.