"Yes to God" Chapter 10, Healing truth

Oh to have to read the last chapter of this book! To have to write the last post for this book… I have been dragging my feet all week. I haven’t wanted to end either.

This past year has been one of such learning! Such growth! God has used this book by Lisa in an amazing way to help complete the healing in such a short time frame. I never expected that when I finished this book, that I would be also looking at my last counseling session coming up.

Recognizing who I am in Christ has been hard for me… especially in the past 3 years. As my depression got more and more pronounced, I just didn’t feel like I had any real truth about who I was to keep me steady and stayed on Him. I truly did feel, like Lisa said, that God dropped a stitch when He was knitting me together in my mother’s womb.

I thought I should be who my family wanted me to be, or like those I looked up to, and all it did was muddy the waters.

Lisa said,
“It has been a beautiful thing in my life to let go of the ideas I have for me and ask God to develop in me those things He intends me to do and to be the person He intends me to be…. I am talking about saying to God, ‘Have your own way with me.’ Recognize that in the process of making you, God didn’t have an ‘oops!’ moment.”

This has been a big part of this past year for me. I’ve continually beat myself up for quitting my student teaching. For not managing to finish with a teaching degree. For not using my musical gifts in a “professional” area. For not being a good enough wife. For not being a good enough mother. For not being a good enough ___________. Fill in the blank: Christian, daughter, grand-daughter, friend, person… and then it led me to the thought that I shouldn’t be here, that I was just a mistake.

As I have finally learned to let go, and let God have His way with me, I have come into more and more freedom. He has awakened things in me I thought I had lost. The biggest was a thirst for Him that I haven’t experienced ever since I was a new Christian. Another one was the joy I got from writing and singing. I had lost writing, and almost lost my joy in music as well.

Admitting my mess-ups has been hard for me, because I clung to them as an identity. I had to let God clear up who I was in Him, and then not wade in the cesspool of condemnation. It was hard to admit I screwed up, and then LET GOD TAKE CARE OF IT!!

I love what Lisa said:
“God is quick not only to forgive us; He is quick also to restore us.”

Oh, how thankful I am for that! I’ve gotten some very visual reminders of how much He loves me, of the depths of His forgiveness, and what His redeeming and restoring work is in my life. I’m so grateful that my mistakes aren’t held against me, but that I can learn from them, and He helps me to walk away from them and not make more mistakes on top of them, and end up worse off that I was before.

The pain I’ve been in and through in my life, because of my choices or others, has been enough to cripple me this past year. If I hadn’t been given the strength to deal with the pain, and take a good hard look at it and allow God into it, I don’t know that I would be here right now.

All my life, I applied a soothing balm… of time, of distraction, or of attempting to move on with my life. It covered over the hurts, but never healed them. The worldly things I tried to anesthetize my soul didn’t work permanently.

Only God can apply the healing balm… of really looking into the pain, and touching it with His love, His forgiveness, His restoration, His TRUTH. That really heals. I may have scars left, but this year I’ve been healed by the Truth, my God.

Lisa is right when she said that all God desires is to take my brokenness and yours and set all of us free by the Truth that we were once so afraid to face.

That is truly what has happened this year in counseling. I was so afraid to see the Truth, to see God in the face of all I had done, and all that had been done to me. But, all my brokenness has been exposed to the light of day, and to the light of the Truth. All God has wanted is to set me free. That’s all He wants to do for you. Once we are free, the possibilities are endless. I know that now that I am free of so much pain that was shackling me, I can do whatever He leads me to.

More than that, I know that even if I don’t know right now specifics of what to “do,” He uses me. I have so much baggage, but God has freed me from it, and now can use it to help others. As Lisa said, being used by God is the one time that being “used” by someone felt good!

Today I can say that I have truly tasted the goodness of God, tasted the freedom, tasted the healing that I never thought I would.

Truth time:
Is my soul truly set free? Is the truth behind my eyes the same as what others see?

Answer:
I think so. I hope so. I feel like I am set free, that my soul is. I think there are probably some things that I still have to work through, but who doesn’t have something?
I’ve struggled with the idea of needing to pray for someone who hurt me. Still am. Finding others to pray for specifically… or God is finding them for me.

I realized that I canceled my counseling appointment with Tricia this week, and I really didn’t feel stressed. I did schedule another appointment, in a couple of weeks. To know that I have one out there, my last one to talk a few things over with her, gives me freedom to see what it is like to get through a month without “needing” to talk to her about everything.
One other thing… to be truthful… (sigh)

I’ve realized just how much I am going to miss Tricia. I praise God for her. I’m so thankful for how He has used her to help me along this road of healing I have been on. I know that it is time to end our relationship as counselor/client. I’m OK with that. I’m just going to miss her. I’ll be praying for her. I know that if we never meet again on this side of heaven, I’ll be able to see her there, and hopefully then express to her how incredibly grateful I am that she has allowed God to use her as He has, not only in my life, but the lives of countless others she’s invested herself in.

However, my prayer is that someday, this side of heaven, when the right amount of time has passed, God will bring us back together and allow us to meet and develop a relationship on the equal footing of friendship. I don’t know that it will happen. But that is my prayer.
If it doesn’t get answered the way I would like, I won’t be disappointed, because God has the best for me and the best for her in His heart. He knows what will be best for both of us. I’m extremely blessed to have known her for this brief year. I’m forever grateful to God for bringing her into my life, me to her, when I so desperately needed someone to come alongside who cared and who could guide me ever closer to God.

In closing, (it is so hard to try to figure out how to sum this whole study, this whole book, this whole year up) our church has a Thanksgiving service this Sunday night. We do this annually where we open up the mic to whoever wants to come forward and share a praise. I couldn’t bring myself to go last year. Just out of the hospital 3 weeks, I couldn’t find anything praiseworthy.

This year, well, I really don’t know what to share or how to share it, because I could be up there ALL night! This year has been incredible. Looking back now, I can see God’s hand all over it. I look at all the struggles I had, and how I thought the darkness would never end… and now… oh words can’t express what I am feeling right now!

I can only pray that more and more what people see from me is truly what is going on inside of me. That my actions and words match with what is really going on inside. I don’t want to act the part anymore. If things are going bad, I don’t want to fake the perfect life. If things are going good, I want to share that with others. I want to be free to rejoice with, or cry with others as the need arises. I want to be approachable. I want to be used by God to bring healing to His people who are hurting. However that happens I don’t know. Yet.

I want to leave with two quotes from Lisa that caught me enough that they rated not only underlining, but also highlighting!

“He [God] wants us to realize the freedom - true freedom - that comes with letting go of the struggle, once and for all, over our past mistakes, major life interruptions, and wrongs that have been done to us. He desires to remove that which has incapacitated us and held us captive - unable to fly and soar and be the beautifully created person He has made us each to be. Jesus wants to fix everything in us that has ever been broken, not temporarily soothing it on the exterior, but healing it in places not able to be seen by the human eye….

His arms are a place of ultimate security and peaceful rest.”

There is nothing more powerful that to realize the Creator of the whole universe, is your Creator, that you are the apple of His eye, and that He searches after you with undivided attention until you are found by Him…. and then He holds you, oh so carefully, gently, and securely in His arms… and that He wants to HEAL EVERY HURT! He wants to heal you and me and everyone else, until we all realize who we are in Him, and are able to live from that Truth in our everyday life.

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May God bless all of you. Thank you for joining in this journey with me: through this book, and for those of you who have been around longer, through this past year. I can’t tell you what your prayers and support have meant. Please don’t cease praying for me; I won’t cease praying for you. God has so much more to do in all of our lives.

Just because I see the end of a season for me doesn’t mean an end! It really means a new beginning. I never thought I would say this, but I have a new beginning!

So do we all!

Thank you Lelia for hosting this. I can’t tell you how God has used you in my life. You are the first person who ever contacted me, other than my family, on my blog… the first “bloggy friend” I made… and the first person I ever started praying for that I met through a blog. My husband thought I was nuts (still does, I think) :) But I know that God has been behind all of this. I praise God for you Lelia, and continue to pray for you. God bless you, and I love you!

"Yes to God" Chapter 9... Flawed yet forgiven

Right now I am sitting in Beatitudes. Beatitudes is a coffee shop. This coffee shop is the realization of a dream that a Christian woman in our community had for years. After years of trying and praying she was able co-rent the space with someone who wanted to open a bookstore. What goes together better than coffee and books?

The walls have interesting artwork, warm colors… strategically placed table lamps and track lighting, soft music in the background, tables and chairs arranged in conversation areas, free wi-fi (hence my being able to write this here). This place has become a haven for me. A safe place. A place where I walk in and immediately relax.

If I could I would transport you all here. It is so much more conducive to conversation. I want conversations with you. To really see you all face to face, not just blog to blog… I want to share my heart with you. I want to share with you some of the things that this chapter stirred up in me. I will do the best I can through this medium. But, I want so much for you to see my face, to be able to get the expressions, and really be able to see my heart and know the depth of love I have for Christ, for you… see, words are failing me already. Only a hug and my tears can express what I am feeling right now.

When I say tears, I mean it. I can hardly hold them in right now, in this public setting with people around me.

To see how this book, “Behind Those Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle has impacted others lives, visit Lelia, and follow the links there to others blogs… (thank you Lelia for setting this all up!!!)

At the end of the chapter, Lisa wrote:
“While Satan would love for you to believe that you are too flawed and too unworthy of forgiveness, Jesus wants you to know that nothing could be farther from the truth.”

As I have worked through things in my counseling… all these different issues, hurts, lies… all the time I have felt I was too flawed and unworthy of that incredible forgiveness Jesus extends to me. As each issue was dealt with and healed, I got a little closer to believing that though I had these flaws, God still forgave me. Then the next issue would come up, and I would feel again that THIS sin, or hurt, or issue was the one that God wouldn’t forgive.

Now that I have seen His consistency in forgiving me, cleansing me, each time… well, I find myself more eager to fall on His grace and mercy, knowing it is going to be there to hold me up, rather than be pulled out from under me at the last minute.

The healing I have received this year has served to bring me ever closer to Him. The flaws and pains that have run so deep… as they are healed, His balm of forgiveness and healing has gone just as deep, to fully heal them.

Like Lisa said,
“…when I first realized in my heart and it began to sink into my soul that being so deeply flawed left me with the ability to be forgiven by God equally, the flaws suddenly felt really important to the process.”

Yes, I am going to continue to sin. I can struggle against it, but I am not going to be perfect. I am not going to be able to live without mistakes. But God’s grace, love, acceptance and forgiveness will cover over all that, and heal and guide and correct me.

(A side note for you all, now I am writing the rest of this at home, at my desk… wish you were here so we could gather in my living room and talk… but I said that already… ok, back to work…)

In counseling last year, I started with an issue that had plagued me and caused me a lot of pain. At the time, I saw it as an isolated incident. Now, I am not so sure.

In college I became friends with a young woman. We were both Christians, but very young in our faith, and both been hurt in our past. We both acted our of our hurt.

As Lisa said in her post today, “My new unspoken motto became, ‘I’ve been hurt, I am hurt, and I will live my life, acting out of that pain.’"

I think that was our unspoken motto. I never realized it at the time. She was very needy and manipulative, and I needed to be needed by someone.

We started down the road of sin. You know the one. Where once you have stepped onto it, you suddenly start to slide, down and down, until you hit the bottom with a gut wrenching crash and look up and wonder how you got there in the first place.

Somewhere down in that muck and slime, God pulled me out, and gave me the desire to distance myself from that sin, and from the friendship that kept leading me back there. I looked at what I was doing and shuddered, as I was doing it! I kept getting sucked back in. God kept after me. Finally after probably a 2 year struggle all together, I finally was able to make a clean break and walk away from that friendship.

I walked away, pushing it down, burying it. I was angry at her for her influence and how I allowed her to control me. I was angry at myself for knowingly taking steps and doing thing that I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt were wrong. I hated her, and I hated myself. But I couldn’t express that, so I tucked it away with all the other hurt and anger and hatred.

When I started the counseling, we ended up approaching this situation first. I was scared to death. I walked through it using EMDR with Tricia. I left her office that Friday night, very shaky. I didn’t really realize where I was at until I was on the way home, feeling nauseous. All weekend I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t function. I called her office Monday, and got an appointment with her the next morning.

After a couple of appointments that week, we were able to revisit the scene, the image I had in my head. It was shameful and humiliating, trapped and made powerless by my own choice. I could see the image, vividly, but then it was covered with a waterfall of His blood. I could almost feel it pouring down on me. I felt like I was standing under the waterfall.

Literally, Christ’s blood pounding down on my head and shoulders, drenching me, head to toe.
Oh, for the first time I felt clean from that sin! Really clean. And I knew. I knew that I was forgiven. I knew that all God saw was the blood of His Son, cleansing me. It was a powerful image. I can still see it now. I can still feel it now.

I find it ironic, that Lisa’s “Getting Real” section would be to commit to praying for someone who hurt you. Because I read that. Last week. Then I got in the car to go somewhere. As I was about to get on the highway, I said out loud… in my car…

“I could never pray this for HER,” thinking of that young woman from college. Guess what? That is exactly what God wants me to do. Surprise, surprise! (sigh)

I have been resisting it all week. I finally made myself sit down last night and work my way through the study guide more carefully, last night. Then I journaled. As I did, God started speaking to my heart. He showed me a huge root of bitterness, still lurking there.

I already forgave her. I already felt God’s forgiveness. But, He reminded me of something we had touched on in counseling, and brought it into focus. The bitterness, anger and hatred that still festered was related to her. I realized I blame her for bad choices I made after our friendship was over. I was hurt in our friendship, and again, I reacted and made other choices out of that hurt.

For better or worse, I blame her, and that ties me to her, as much as covenant marriage vows bind me to my husband.

A year ago I was dealing with that friendship, at the beginning of counseling. Today I am dealing with that friendship, at the end of counseling.

I called my dear, sweet friend Cindy tonight, while the kids were in their bath. (Actually, in your time, it was about 3 paragraphs ago.) I expressed to her that I was writing this post. I also told her where I was at in dealing with the ramifications of this relationship… and was honest.

I told her that I had been stiff-arming God all week. I have been going to Him in other areas, and following His guidance through them, except this one area, all week, knowing what He was asking. I have been telling Him, “NO!!”

Cindy said that she would be praying for me as I processed through writing this post. And as I dealt with the emotions that were coming up as a result, the hurt and anger. I was literally shaking as I talked to her because of where I was at, as I wrote this.

She challenged me to pray for my former friend.
Before I finished writing this post.
Oh, I didn’t want to hear that.
But I knew she was right.

I nearly cried right then and there. But I had to go, get the kids out of the tub, do the bed time routine of, read, snuggle and pray… and then…

…while I laid in bed next to my daughter, I prayed. I asked God to show me how to pray, to guide me in even what to pray for, because I didn’t want to. I was honest with Him. I know that He already knew how I was feeling, and that I didn’t want to pray for her. But I needed to say it.

Then I was able to pray for her. I prayed for her faith, her family, that God would bless her, and then I felt led to pray one more thing for her:

That she would find help like I did, and come to full healing in Christ. That she would find freedom in Christ. That she would find all the love and acceptance she ever needs in Christ. That she would find what I have found in this past year.

I didn’t have a name or word for it then, just this feeling in my heart of hearts.

Now these words are just pouring out of me, and though there are more than I have here, all the words in the world simply cannot describe the indescribable.

…Truth. Peace. Joy. Healing. Freedom. Redemption.Blessing.Love.Acceptance.SignificanceHopeSecurityForgiveness…
I pray she has found
who she is in
…JESUS…

"Yes to God" Chapter 8... Loved and Accepted

“Deep down inside, when no one is around and the only sound that breaks the silence is the beating of our own hearts, we long to feel the warm embrace of love wrapped around us. We desire to truly experience lasting and genuine love, maybe for the first time in our lives. What we thought would bring us love has let us down, and we are tired of searching. Even the best of our earthly relationships with the strongest bonds of earthly love cannot quench the INSATIABLE THIRST of our souls for a DEEPER CONNECTION… so much so that we’re not even sure anymore that it really exists.”

“[God's love] is strong, and it is swift. It is a heavenly wonder, unmatched by anything earthly. And when you experience it in your heart, it makes it IMPOSSIBLE to settle for love of any other kind.”

“Our birth certificate has been stamped with a seal of authenticity as a child of God, and He is NEVER GIVING US BACK OR LETTING US GO.”

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“God has done things to show us His UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE of us like none other ever has or ever will. Rest assured that Someone who would go to the trouble of counting the number of hairs on your head loves you entirely and accepts you completely, with SHEER ABANDON.”
Lisa Whittle, from “Behind Those Eyes,” emphasis mine.

When I started this study, hosted by Lelia, never in my wildest imaginations did I dream that this book would so parallel the road of healing I have been on for the past year. God knew that learning to come out of hiding, learning to stop suppressing my emotions, learning to trust Him, learning that He loves and accepts me… all needed to be reinforced. It needed to go from my head to my heart.

God placed me with an incredible counselor who, through the EMDR therapy she uses, was able to help me start connecting the head knowledge I had about God, and the truth of who I am, to my heart. She has helped me work through things so that I am getting to the point where I KNOW and BELIEVE the truth that God has spoke to me through His word.

So many of the other women I have met through this study have talked about getting this knowledge from their heads to their hearts that God loves and accepts them completely and fully, with no reservations.

Through this book, God has been reinforcing all the things I have been learning in counseling. I can hardly describe the journey I have been on. The thing is, since I started posting for this bible study, I haven’t been writing much about how my counseling has been going. Because this book study has been forcing me to focus on things each time, they have carried over into my counseling, and Tricia has been able to help me process through them.

But I have to share this. Yesterday was a break through in counseling in a major way. I mean, we worked through a bad memory, but I got the chance to read my post to her, “A year ago,” and it made Tricia cry. I didn’t expect that, and she didn’t either. She thanked me for sharing it because she said that she doesn’t often get to see the end result of counseling… the end result in a client’s life, from the client’s perspective. It encouraged her when she needed it.

After reading that to her, we both came to the conclusion that my time of counseling with her is finished.

Did you hear that?
FINISHED!!!

I never thought in a million years that only one year after starting counseling, I would be finishing up.

She and I both agreed we may have to sweep up a few loose ends, but in reality, everything has been worked through. She has given me the tools I need to work through things on my own, as they come up. God has given me the ability to process through issues and hurts as they come up, so that I can deal with them and bring the light of truth into each situation.

I am learning how to apply the truth! I am learning that the things I know about God and myself, I can believe fully in my heart.

Out of all of this time, this past year, a passion has been growing inside of me. I didn’t know how to really put a name to it in any definitive way. I have a passion for writing, for singing and leading in worship, for speaking to others. But I didn’t know how to put it together.

I think I now know more of what it is. As I have learned more about God’s love and acceptance for me, He has opened my eyes to see that there are so many others that don’t know and really BELIEVE that God loves and accepts them. Oh, how I want to share what He has revealed to me through His word and His active work in my life!

I have such a desire to see other women find the healing that I have received.

God’s love is so incredible. Just reading the verses that Lisa had in her chapter this week… there were two that I particularly liked, and I will add another one here for you as well.

“The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me - a prayer to the God of my life.” Ps. 42:8

“The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love.” Zeph. 3:17

“Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.” Ps. 90:14

God’s acceptance of us.

It isn’t just a toleration of us, but wholehearted acceptance. Without conditions. Without concerns about our past. Without looking for anything else from us, but to trust Him, and to draw near to Him.

He won’t reject us. He won’t harm us. He won’t use us (in the bad sense of the word). He won’t leave us lying bruised and brokenhearted on the floor. Not like the people and things we have pursued time and again looking for that love and acceptance we so need. He picks us up in His hands. He cradles us in His arms as He whispers His songs of love over us in the night time of our hearts.

Oh beautiful child of the only Living God…

• Do you know that He loves you?
• Do you know that He accepts you?
• Do you know that He gave his only beloved Son to die for you, so you can stand unashamed before Him?
• Do you know that along with His Son, He will give you, out of His lavish grace, all things?
• Do you know that it doesn’t matter to Him how hungry you have been and how you have looked in the world to satisfy that hunger and thirst inside?
• Do you know that the trouble and difficulties you have gone through, the hardship that you have faced don’t deter Him?
• Do you know that the swords that have cut you to ribbons in this life, the persecution you have faced from family, friends, strangers who didn’t understand you can’t ever slow Him down?
• Do you know that the nakedness, being stripped bare in front of everyone, or in the spotlight of your mind’s eye, doesn’t disgust Him?

Nothing.

Not any of these things can possibly separate you from God’s love.

He has shown us that love through Christ’s death on the cross. He has shown us that He understands all we have gone through and tried to do on our own. He has shown us He loves us. He has shown us that He accepts us because we are beautiful and precious in His sight.
He sees who He has created us to be. He has a vision for us that cannot be denied. He has a purpose for our lives that will not be thwarted. He will complete the good work He has started.

He won’t stop loving us, or reject us ever.
EVER!

“Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Ps. 34:5

Standing covered with His blood and righteousness, we may look up at Him with no fear in our heart, no shame in our soul. We are clean and without blemish before Him. And He loves us with an everlasting love. Nothing will change that.

We are secure.
In Christ.
Alone.

That’s more than enough for me.

What about you?

"Yes to God" Chapters 6&7... Cosmetics and Feelings

This week was so good going through these two chapters for our study through “Behind those Eyes” by Lisa Whittle. Thank you Lelia, for hosting this.

How in the world can I possibly cover all that hit me in these two chapters?! There was so much in each one, that I could write about 2 posts for each chapter! Especially with all that God has been teaching me this past week.

As I read Chapter 6, Cosmetics for the Soul, I was reminded so much of all the things I have gone through this past year. I have bought into the lies that Satan has been screaming at me for years. I have believe him. This past year has been all about breaking the hold those lies have had on me. Those lies have been planted because of the choices I have made. I have to own up to the responsibilities of the consequences of those… putting myself in situations that I should have never been in.

But like Lisa said,
“We must know who we are - who we really are - so that Satan’s lies cannot infiltrate our thinking and permeate our lives. We need to let go of the guilt and regrets from the past that color our opinion of our future while acknowledging mistakes we have made along the way.”

My counselor, Tricia, has helped me in identifying the lies I have been believing. God is faithfully showing me His truth about who I am, and about who He is. He has helped me memorize scripture in a way that I have never been able to before this. It has been sinking in and staying with me. The truth really is setting me free… God’s truth.

When I believed the lies of the enemy, when I felt vulnerable, there have been many times I did that dance, to cover up what I didn’t want others to see. I also tried to sew together fig leaves, to cover up the spots in my heart that were uglier than I wanted to see. I have been so afraid through counseling and healing, to look inside, see the ugliness, the selfishness, the sin, the anger and bitterness and hatred that has been there… towards myself, and others. It has been a scary and painful process.

I have believed so many of the enemy’s lies.

You are too damaged.
You are unworthy of love.
You have missed it.
You’ll never have a future.
And the kicker for me;
There is nothing to hope for. All is utterly hopeless. I am nothing. I shouldn’t even be here.

By God’s grace alone am I here. It is that grace that saved me when I first turned to Him, and it is that grace that saved me and preserved my life this year.

I can’t use those cosmetics anymore. If I do, I will find myself slowly dying inside again.

In Chapter 7, The Feelings We Conceal, I was hit upside the head again.

Lisa said,
“We conceal our past. We keep our real agendas hidden. We mask our true feelings and cover up our sins. We just can’t bear the thought of someone knowing what is really going on inside our souls, so perfectly hidden by the ‘beautiful’ things they see.”

I can admit to all the emotions that Lisa said were so prevalent in all of us, and extremely detrimental to authentic relationships with other women.

Insecurity has been a big one for me. Probably because I have bought into the lies of the enemy. I would go along, and then see someone else who sang better than I did, played the piano better than me, looked thinner, more beautiful, or had what appeared to be the perfect Christian walk. I immediately wished I was that person. I envied them, and eventually became jealous of them. Even if I hid it, it affected our relationship. It wasn’t possible to be authentic in those relationships because there was that underlying current of insecurity and jealousy (maybe on both of our parts, I don’t know for sure).

I loved the four things that Jonathan and David had in their relationship. Commitment to God, letting nothing come between them, strengthening their friendship when it was tested, and remaining friends to the end.

I found that type of friendship with Gwen. We became friends when we were in college, in our twenties. She stood by me through some tough times, and I have stood by her too, during her hard times. I think there have been times where stuff has tried to come between us. There have been times where we have been insecure and allowed jealousy to take root, (at least I know I have) but at the same time, we have stuck with each other and come out the other side stronger for it. Right now she is halfway around the world, in Zambia for a year. I miss her terribly, but love her and pray for her daily. I miss the chance to interact with her and see her. Ever since she moved away after college, I have been praying for someone else to have that type of friendship with.

God answered that prayer with Cindy. We have gotten to know each other during this past year and a half, and God has truly knit our hearts together. We are committed to our individual relationships with God. We have hung together during tough times in each others lives. We haven’t experienced jealousy, or fear in our relationship with each other.

We have been able to be completely and totally open with each other, with no fear that what we have said would go any further than between us and God. We have become true sisters, lifting each other up in prayer, giving Godly counsel, providing each other with a listening ear, and a shoulder to cry on, rejoicing with one another when we have had triumphs, and comforting each other in our failures.

For me, fear and loneliness are big things that throw up a red flag for me. Especially as I struggle with depression. I don’t want to let on to others that I am not doing well. I isolate myself. I find myself wandering in a crowd of people, at a mall, or even in the midst of the choir I sing in, feeling like I am in a bubble that no one can touch me through, and unable to reach out. When I hit that loneliness, I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice… and that is a bad place for me to allow my thoughts go.

Fear has been a constant companion the last few years. I live daily with anxiety, though I am getting better at controlling it. I have spikes of fear about the most ordinary things, that wouldn’t necessarily faze anyone else.

I have been fearful of losing my husband, losing my kids, having a house fire or car crash, being attacked by someone… and most of these manifest themselves in terrible nightmares. Three was a stretch there where night after night, for long months I would wake up shaking and terrified from dreams, so much so that I couldn’t get back to sleep again.

It has been hard to admit those fears to someone. My counselor and Cindy have been people to whom I have been able to open up to. Fear of rejection is huge for me, as I have been rejected throughout my life by people, used and then rejected. So, God placed me among people with whom I could be safe. Tricia, Cindy, Gwen, my small group all have become places of safety for me. If I find myself fearing to be with them, I know that there is something going on inside that is afraid of being exposed.

I have found in the past few weeks, times where I have truly been afraid to go see Tricia, and keep my appointment with her. Or I have been afraid of, or not wanting to go to, small group which is very unlike me. Each time I have gone, God has blessed me by opening something up in counseling and healing me, or by giving me the opportunity to pray for and love on someone else who opened up in our small group.

Jesus has comforted me as I have started to dare to dream of being a writer… He has shown me that if He has not spared His son, but gave Him up for me, how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give me all things?

He wants to know my dreams. He wants me to pour out my heart to him, share my insecurities, jealousies, loneliness, fears… He wants me to be open with Him, others and myself… He wants me to stop the cover up, and open up and be real and authentic. I am tired of trying to conceal things. It is too exhausting. God has shown me this.

He has been stripping away my masks though this past year, and He has been stripping them away even more through the study of this book. Thank you, Lisa for your commitment to authenticity, and helping others get there too!

"Yes to God" Chapter 5... Ms. Spirituality

“In the crowd that day there was a woman who for twelve years had been afflicted with hemorrhages. She had spent every penny she had on doctors but not one had been able to help her. She slipped in from behind and touched the edge of Jesus’ robe. At that very moment her hemorrhaging stopped. Jesus said, “Who touched me?” When no one stepped forward, Peter said, “But Master, we’ve got crowds of people on our hands. Dozens have touched you.” Jesus insisted, “Someone touched me. I felt power discharging from me.” When the woman realized that she couldn’t remain hidden, she knelt trembling before him. In front of all the people, she blurted out her story—why she touched him and how at that same moment she was healed. Jesus said, “Daughter, you took a risk trusting me, and now you’re healed and whole. Live well, live blessed!’ “
Luke 8:43-48, The Message

This passage, this story in scripture has come to me again and again this past week. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to escape it. It was the scripture passage for my devotional on Sunday morning. Someone told me about how it had encouraged them through the past week, on Sunday night. Monday night I read our chapter, and then the study questions and there it was again.

Like I said, I can’t escape it!

I had no idea what to write this week. None. No clue. I read the chapter. I saw so many ways to go, I just didn’t know what to do. I read some of the others posts, saw how some of them took the chapter and applied it to their lives.

Last night, I had no words.
This morning, no words.

Then I remembered this scripture passage.

That woman had suffered so much at the hands of the doctors to whom she went. In Mark 5, the Message said that the doctors took advantage of her and left her worse off than before.
She had gone for secular help and received none.

The nature of her illness caused her to be rejected and shunned by her community and by the religious leaders of the day.

As Lisa said, “Church is the one place we should feel the safest from judgment by our peers, yet it’s the very place we often experience the most rejection and legalism. Sadly, in many churches, grace is not always on the agenda.”

So many times through my life, from the time I became a Christian, I watched others around me, and learned to speak the right Christian phrases, and do the right Christian things, so I wouldn’t experience rejection or judgment from those around me. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be seen as a good Christian. Because I didn’t see anyone else struggling around me, for the most part, then I couldn’t possibly share any struggles I was having.

When there was a time that I couldn’t help but be real with a few people about some things going on in my life… the very people who had been instrumental in leading me to Christ became my judge, jury, and executioner. I never felt welcome in that fellowship again, even after I had dealt with my sin with God. I never felt welcome in the church I was in during that time either.

What I so loved about this story of the woman who was bleeding, suffering long term, is that it was instrumental in bringing me to Christ. It showed me that He would and could bless and accept anyone.

Now it is powerful for me because it has taken on new meaning as I have been healing. He desires to help those who are suffering long term. He really wants to see those who are hurting, who have been trying to hide inside what has been going on for such a long time. He want to see them, and wants them, us, to see Him. He wants us to be open with Him and pour out our hearts to Him. Just as the woman told Jesus everything that had happened to her.
Lisa asked a question about why it was so important for her to be open and vulnerable before him. I think it was for the very reason I referred to before.

Lisa said, “The power of an honest Christian, struggling as he or she may be in life, can break down some of the emotional walls people construct out of fear of rejection by sharing their own personal truth.”

That dear woman, who had been suffering terribly for years, fell before her Savior’s feet, and in front of that huge crowd, told her story. Who knows who was there who needed to hear her testimony? And she needed to hear that because she took a chance at trusting in Jesus, she could live whole and blessed.

I have struggled with the fear of rejection for so long, especially after having such a bad experience before when I was dealing with a very real sin and needed help not judgement. I needed someone to have the courage to come alongside and not tell me that the sin was ok, but to share their struggles, failures, and victories with me. To show me some hope.

I can tell you, through this whole process the past few years of my masks being pulled down, I have had people come alongside me and share their struggles with me. They were willing to be real with me, and not put up the perfect Christian front.

And that is what I want. I want to be able to be real with others. I want to be able to come alongside others with not only words of encouragement (which can feel like very empty platitudes unless backed up by something real) but also show them that I have been in tough places as well, that I can understand their troubles, and that I want to help as I can.

But more than anything, I want more of Jesus. I don’t want to put up a Ms. Spirituality front, because when I do, I am not being real with Jesus. I want to come before Him with fear and trembling, on my face before Him.

Even if I have had the faith that a touch of His robe would heal me; that there was more than enough power in Him to heal me as well as others; I have needed to come before Him and tell Him all about my problems and struggles, and I have had to do it in front of others as well. Because God knows who else can benefit from my testimony.

Laying at Jesus’ feet, I have needed to hear that my faith and trust in Him were well placed. I have needed to hear that I can walk away living whole and blessed. My life can be one that is all about the relationship with Him that is growing deeper day by day. I can have a true relationship with my Healer, with the Lover of my soul.

Lisa said, “He is seeking today what He had always been interested in getting from us: a relationship with Him that is pure of heart and motive, the only goal in mind being to honor Him by doing His will.”
and,
“True spirituality is about the awesome power of God showing up in a person’s life to the point that people around her notice a difference.”

Oh God, I want my relationship with You to be all about Your love for me, and me doing Your with with a pure heart and motive. I want to be real with You and real with others, but I don’t want it to be about me. I don’t want my life to be about “doing things” for you, but all about my relationship with you. I want a purpose to come out of all the pain I have endured. But even if I never see it, see something tangible, it doesn’t matter. More than wanting to see a purpose I want more of You, Jesus. I want my heart to be pure, my motives to be pure. Oh Lord, I don’t want to bring attention to myself for the things I have gone through, or the things that I do. Please show me when I am using the gifts You have given me with the wrong motives. Show me and break me when I use anything I do, or anything I say to make myself look better. Bring me to repentance right away and humble me, Lord. I want all I do and say to bring glory and honor to You and You alone. Amen.

****************

For those of you who want to read more post, visit Lelia’s blog. Or visit Lisa Whittle, the author of our book, “Behind Those Eyes.”

"Yes to God" Chapter 4... Ms. Happiness

Isn’t interesting. Every week I have started to write this post, read the week’s chapter, thinking that there is nothing in it that applies to me.

Hmmm…
Yeah, right.

God always proves me wrong. You think that after 4 weeks of this, I would get the point. Maybe I will eventually. Though, it really is kinda cool to watch how God blows my skepticism out of the water each week… and you know when He usually does it? When I start going through the bible study questions at the back of the book! (thank you Lisa for putting those in there!!!)

This week’s study has been a great joy for me. I mean it. JOY!!!

I can say that I have fallen into the categories of trying to make myself happy, looking for someone I love to make me happy, and to derive happiness from the things I have or do. None of it worked, though I could pretend at times that they did.

Pretend.

Lisa wrote: “Though often well concealed, depression is a very real problem in many seemingly happy homes across the country. No one is immune to this problem no matter how happy she may seem on the outside.”

Pretend.

That is what I have done for years. I have pretended I was perfect. I have pretended I was confident and assured walking into different situations. I have pretended I was happy. For years. Slowly the perfection and confidence masks started slipping off, even if it was only in the privacy of my small group, or close friends. But even with my friends, I kept up that mask of happiness.

I have struggled with depression for years. About 15-20 years of my life. I am only 35. That is a long time to struggle. That is a long time to keep up that mask.

It took a lot to get that mask to fall into pieces.

Even in a small group that I trusted and a very close friend of mine didn’t get me to drop the mask. Until a particularly bad day of trying to keep going when all I had nothing left. That night my best friend and I were talking on the phone. When there was a lull in the conversation, she asked me how I was doing. I told her fine. Things were going good. She paused for a minute, and then said again, “How are things really going?”

At which point I told her to hang on for a minute, I got up off the couch and locked myself in my bedroom, and completely broke down. I lost it and couldn’t keep the mask up, not with her. Gwen let me cry, and then held me accountable to getting help… at least talking to my small group leader who could do some non-professional counseling.

That was the beginning of the road to recovery for me. A lot of the journey you can see from my blog here. Before I started my blog there was about 2 years of slow progress full of many very low times.

Lisa asked the questions, “Stories such as this often leave me to wonder if… we act happy on the outside to please others, silently leaving us to hurt on the inside? Do we mask the way we truly feel with medications and facades, hoping that no one will dip deeper to find out what’s really going on with us?”

I can answer those questions with a resounding YES!!! I know that I did. I didn’t want my husband to see how much I was hurting, and have him know that he wasn’t enough for me. I didn’t want my friends to see what a mess I really was. I didn’t want people to know that I was depressed… because Christians were supposed to be “filled with joy if they were filled with the Spirit.” At least, that was my impression. There were Christians I knew who were struggling with depression, and I didn’t find any fault with them. I was able to give them grace and understanding, but I wasn’t able to extend the same to myself.

I didn’t mask what I was really feeling with medications until quite a bit later. But I did put up the facade, and at times when things were way too painful and I just wanted to forget them for a while, I would turn to a couple of stiff drinks to numb away the pain. Later that only added to my depression because I beat myself up for using alcohol as a numbing agent.

When I finally did get some medication and started trying different anti-depressants… well, that just made things worse, not only because they weren’t helping, but they gave me access to medication that would give me a way out.

In October 2007, I sank so low I didn’t any options but suicide. I was prepared to take all my medication at once, along with some alcohol, just to make sure that I never woke up. I even had the day planned, because I had to do it when no one would find me until it was too late.

It was only by God’s grace that I mentioned it to a friend. Within 48 hours I had been convinced to talk to my doctor who was prescribing my anti-depressants, and within 12 hours of that, I had been admitted to the hospital, on the mental health unit, basically under a suicide watch.

I was so ashamed to be there, that all I could think about was getting out, getting at my meds and doing what I had planned on in the first place. Eventually as I was put on the right medication, and as I was shown by the staff there that there was still hope, the shame didn’t leave, but the strength of the suicidal thoughts started to ease.

Looking back now, I can see so many positives resulting from my stay in the hospital. I finally was connected to a psychiatrist who actually could help me get on the right medications for me. I was connected with a very gifted Christian counselor, Tricia. This past year has been one of amazing recovery and healing for me. It hasn’t been easy. It has been incredibly healing.

The point of sharing this is to tell you I have found the source of joy. I had Him all along, I just didn’t see the joy that was supposed to be there. Even when friends encouraged me with scripture or anything else, I would discount it, I wouldn’t believe them.

Even in the last few weeks God has broken some tight suffocating chains. He has set me free in new ways. God has done some amazing things, and now I am confident that He will do more and more as I continue to follow Him.

The verses that really hit me, that really spoke to me where I am at right now in my life…
“You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.”
Psalm 30:11

“Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him, and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” 1Peter 1:8-9

I am finding moments in my life now to rejoice over. To dance because God has given me such a gift of joy. I love Him and believe in Him. He has changed me from the inside out. I am a different person than I was a year ago, than I was even 4 months ago.

I can’t describe the joy I feel this day!

That isn’t to say that there aren’t bad days, or that I don’t struggle with depression. I have bad days. I hurt in response to circumstances around me. I get depressed. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. But I still have a joy lingering deep down inside.

What has changed? I have been able to set my hope fully on God. I have been able to get my eyes off my self, and onto Him. Even when I am overwhelmed by negative thoughts, and the lies I have believed for so long, I have hidden His word in my heart. I keep craving His word, and have found it easier and easier to memorize it. When the negative thoughts come, when the enemy tries to convince me that I am worthless, nothing, useless, shameful, usually I am able to counteract that with scripture. Not to say that I do this all the time. There are days that I suffer defeat, but each day is a chance to start over, refocus, and even if I am depressed, to cling to the truth of who God is and who He says I am.

No matter how I feel, I know and believe that God is good. He is in control. He already has the victory, and I am in Him, so I have the victory too. Even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.

I have found true one of the very last things Lisa says in this chapter.
“When we go to the real Source of joy, we find the answers we need to secure our contentment in life forever. This joy cannot be revoked, and it won’t be changed accoring to our circumstances.” [emphasis mine]

I hope and pray that you will find this true as well.

The first three verses of Psalm 30 contain an incredible promise. If you are not able to say these words now with any certainty, you will be able to in the future. It is a promise you can hold onto. I have. Even when I didn’t see it or believe it. And I can say that now I do see it, and I can say these words with a full heart.

I will leave you with the best parting gift I can. God’s word to you.

“I will exalt you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.
O Lord you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
(NASB says in the last line: “You have kept me alive, that I would not go down into the pit.”)
Psalm 30:1-3

(Please join us for more posts about this book “Behind Those Eyes” by Lisa Whittle at Leila’s blog)

"Yes to God" chapter 3, Ms. Confidence

When I first started reading this chapter on confidence, I really wasn’t identifying with it. I mean, I feel so insecure most of the time, that I don’t feel that I can really pull off a view of confidence. But as I read further, I realized where I do cover up, at least the major area.

As I performed more, especially with singing, and with music of any sort up front, whether that is at church now, or when I going to school for music education, I had to put up a front of confidence as I walked on the stage. It didn’t matter how much my knees were knocking together.

I remember back to being a freshman in high school and entering Solo-Ensemble competitions, and though I felt very insecure, I had the “front” of being put together, perfectly groomed, well practiced, and completely confident. But inside I was a mess. I had to “research” what was going to happen. I had to know what I was expected to do, and have it all planned out in my head, along with all the possible variations, so that I could anticipate what was going to happen and not be thrown by something unexpected.

One of the only things I felt reasonably confident in all my life was my vocal skills… my singing. When I went through student teaching, I was told my musical skills weren’t strong enough.

That just about killed me.

I didn’t want to use any of my musical skills for anything. I didn’t do much singing at church, or anything for a long time. When Dave and I finally settled down in the church we are at now, I was asked by the pastor to sing a solo for the Good Friday service. I was extremely nervous, but as I didn’t know many people at the church, I figured I could risk it. I was able to stand up there and sing in front of the whole church.

Then they asked me to lead the music portion of the Vacation Bible School for that summer. I was terrified! I couldn’t get up there and be responsible for teaching the kids songs, opening and closing the VBS for the day… I couldn’t teach, remember?! My skills weren’t strong enough!

I learned the songs really well. I learned the sign language and other movements to the songs. When the kids got there, I got them on their feet and learning the songs.

Everyone out in the church saw a confident, vibrant young woman, leading their children in learning songs about Jesus. They saw someone talented in music, joyfully sing and worshiping God with their children.

What I felt was completely different. I was terrified, afraid the kids wouldn’t respond. I picked apart all the mistakes I made. When I was home each night, I would practice and practice the songs until my husband could sing them with me. (Poor man, he’s a nurse not a musician… I think I drove him nuts!!!) :) I figured that if I could learn the songs, and be prepared for every possible outcome, mistake, or whatever, then I would be ok.

I was a nervous wreck all week.

I ended up doing the same for the next 4 years or so that our church did VBS. I even was leading the music at another church in the area (I had been doing that church for probably 6-7 years by the end) for their VBS. The more I did it, and practiced, in reality, the better I did. I could appear more confident.

But it was a face I put on each time I got up there in front of everyone. A lot of times, either on the way to the church, or on the way home, I would cry the whole time I was in the car. But no one else saw that. They couldn’t. I couldn’t let anyone know where I was at.

Lisa said in her book “Behind Those Eyes,”
“Confidence can’t be layered on with our clothes for the day, and it can’t be taken off or removed by anyone else when it is truly present.”
During my VBS experiences, and any of my other “performing” opportunities, I have layered on confidence. I have practiced, I have thought about every angle of the situation I was walking in to, and I prepared myself the best I could for every possibility so I wouldn’t be surprised, and I would be able to handle any change thrown at me with apparent ease and confidence.

Lisa also said,
“We are disillusioned into thinking that what we do is what makes us confident and strong.”

I have continually done that. I have thought that if I get out there and perform more, if I work at a different job, if I weren’t a stay at home mom, that I would be confident. I have worried about how to help my kids have confidence enough to go out among their peers (yes, I know, they are only 2 and 4) and not be scared about relating to them, as I have been scared about relating to my peers.

But really I have been learning that “the opinion of anyone else pales in comparison to what He thinks of us… (and) what we accomplish on this earth can be gratifying but does not make us who we are.”

For so many years I have hidden how I feel on the inside about going up in front of others. So many people come up to me and say that they could never do what I do. Little do they know I force myself to do it each time. I force myself because I don’t think that I can really do it well, but people would be disappointed if I didn’t do it. Who would I be, if I didn’t perform? People recognize me as the singer, and so “singer” is what I am.

But “singer” is what other people identify me as. It isn’t how God identifies me, my real identity and real person-hood come from Christ. Like Lisa said, the things that I do aren’t what define me. I am slowly learning that, but it is incredibly hard.

I can’t tell (usually) others what I am feeling. I am afraid to let people know that I am apprehensive at best, and fearful at worst of getting up to sing, specifically when I am in a leadership or teaching position. A lot of times, when I try to express those thoughts and feelings to someone, they dismiss them, because they have seen me doing it before, with confidence. They just don’t really believe that I could be that fearful and insecure about something that is in my area of gifting.

So, I find myself doing much of what Lisa quoted Paula Reinhart as saying,
“You can’t shut down on the inside without quelling the very passion that makes the journey worthwhile.”

I hide my feelings of fear and insecurity… I ignore them, build walls around them, and instead put up the mask of confidence. And the very thing that gives me joy; music, singing, piano playing; has the passion taken out of it. If I am singing at home for myself, I find great joy in it, especially when I am worshiping God. If I am trying to appear confident in leading the church in worship, I am so concerned about the appearance, and the technical details, that I don’t get any joy out of it, and worst of all, am unable to let go and worship my God.

I know that isn’t what God wants, but as of yet, I don’t know how to change it. I try to be open with a few people around me, but because I have done some sort of music for so long, and helped with music in the church since I started going there, most of the time, they don’t understand how I could be so afraid of it, lacking in confidence, and so afraid of rejection.

I didn’t realize that I would be so touched by this chapter… I wasn’t looking at it from an area of my gifting and expertise until the end when I was doing the study questions. It is going to be a challenge for me to be open about this, and to try to figure out a way to really let someone know that this is an area that is so full of fear of rejection for me. To help them really understand where I am coming from.

If you are interested in learning more about Ms. Confidence from others reading the book “Behind Those Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle, please join us at Lelia’s blog to read her post and see who else is involved. I pray that you will be blessed like I was!

"Yes to God" Chapter 2, Ms. Perfection

This was one of the paragraphs that I had in my previous post of the day.

I feel like crying and that the “I am not good enough” thought permeates everything. Being a wife, being a mom, being a friend, being a homemaker, being a Christian. I know each day is full of it’s own challenges. I know that God is with me and helping me. I know it. I am trying to cling to that truth that He will never leave me nor forsake me. No matter what my feelings might be telling me.

Even though I hadn’t started this post on the Ms. Perfection chapter of Lisa Whittle’s book “Behind Those Eyes,” I started talking about it this morning. Probably because the book was fresh on my mind, as I finished it last night.

When I look at the different ways perfectionism can run it’s course in our lives, I find myself in each one. Putting up the perfect little family mask, the perfect wife mask, the perfect mom mask, the perfect all-together mask.

I identified immediately with Tiffany. I am such a people pleaser, and want to avoid confrontation in such a huge way, that I will do just about anything to keep others happy. As Tiffany said, “My self-worth depended on everyone else’s approval of me.” Even if they have hurt me deeply, I usually don’t let them know, because it would cause a conflict. I mean, what if they got upset because I told them I was hurt? I have had that happen before.

Someone close to me hurt me very deeply this past year. We were working through it, but then I was told by this person that we should never talk about it again. So I never brought it up with them again. I just had to pretend that everything was ok, and the situation was closed and it was fine, and I was ok.

But I wasn’t. No matter the front I put up. As I started working through the issue in my counseling, the pain got worse and worse. Finally we hit the situation pretty hard in counseling, and that weekend, I fell apart. There was no more pretending everything was perfect. I was so depressed, from having to hold it in, that I was suicidal. When I told this person what had gotten me to this point, I was told, “You’re still dealing with THAT?!”

I finally was able to forgive this person… if you can believe it, only a week later. But it took some intensive counseling on my part, and some forgiveness from the other person first, before I was able to finally forgive them from the heart and let it go. (I had already made the commitment in my head, the choice, to forgive, but my emotions hadn’t followed yet up to that point.)

All my life though I have tried to be the person everyone wanted me to be. Get the best grades to bring home to my folks, and ended up driving myself more than they ever drove me. The thing that kept me driving for good grades wasn’t anything my parents ever did or said, really. It was more my remembering hearing the fights between my parents and my brother as they were trying to get him to do his homework, and study for tests and such, when he was having a bad year in school. Because I hate any unpleasantness so much, I vowed that I would never give them cause to react in that way to me about my grades and performance in school.

That was just the start for me. It got worse all through college, and it got bad especially in areas for me that were my strengths. There I would really pressure myself. I had, and still have such insecurity in my abilities. I would push myself to sing better, play the piano better, write better, read more, memorize more scripture, etc. I never felt I measured up to the standard. But the standard set by WHO? Me? God? I didn’t know, but I never made it. I could never jump over that bar. I was constantly knocking it down. Each time I thought I had finally gotten to the point where I could get over it, I found it moved up higher, and I would come crashing down.

I think Lisa captured all this in her last paragraph of the chapter.
“We want to be the perfect wife, perfect mother, and perfect woman all wrapped up in a perfect package. Even though we know in our hearts that it’s just not possible, we still strive for perfection. And just like Tiffany, it is killing our souls and hearts in the process.”
You see, for the last 18 years I struggled with depression, but I hid it from everyone, even myself. In the past 6 years it got worse. My heart and soul were in the slow process of dying, as I tried to look the good Christian woman part on the outside, and I didn’t even know it.

I worked on developing friendships in the new church we were in, thinking it was a lack of friends that was causing this emptiness in me. I had 2 kids in quick succession thinking that would “fill” me. That only seemed to make things worse. No matter how hard I pursued God, pursued friends, or tried anything, I was still empty.

I finally admitted to a close friend that I was struggling with depression. She told me I needed to talk to my small group leader who did some counseling. I did see him and his wife on and off for about a year or two. Things just kept getting worse. I sought some anti-depressants from my regular doctor at the beginning of last summer. But all the time this was going on, I tried to “act normal” and perfect for everyone around me. It was just a facade, as I was still dying inside.

Finally, it got to the point where the mask was ripped away. Quite effectively. I ended up planning my death. A very good friend convinced me to tell my husband that at least I was that close, and then another friend suggested that I at least tell my doctor who was prescribing my medications. As soon as I did that, I was in the hospital, on the mental health unit. Even walking in there, I had on that mask. Later I talked with other patients there, and they had told me that after meeting me the first time they had commented to each other, “She is way too happy to be on this unit!”

Now I know that I need to be real. There is no way that I can survive with the masks. It is too painful. It keeps me too far away from God, because when I am pretending with others, I find I am pretending most of the time with God. Even though I had that wake up call this year… twice… hospitalized both times, I still struggle with putting up the “perfect” mask. It is a very hard habit to break.

I still really struggle with being the perfect everything for my family. But it doesn’t matter if I flubbed up on worship team this weekend, or didn’t quite make it on time to pick up Peter at school, or get the full dinner prepared on time. It is GOOD ENOUGH.

It is GOOD. And God is ENOUGH.

No matter what happens, what anyone else thinks, or what I think, or the lies I am being fed by the world, my flesh or the devil…

It is GOOD. And God is ENOUGH.

How can I compete with that? In everything God is enough, no matter how badly I fail, or others fail me. Anything and everything I do:

It’s. Good. Enough.

As long as my focus and heart are in the right place.

Because God is enough to cover all of my mistakes with His PERFECT BLOOD.

If you want to see anymore about this blog bible study, hop over and visit Lelia, and see the other people’s post about Ms. Perfection showing up in their lives.

**NOTE for those of you who are interested in the “good enough” part I wrote at the end here… and would like further clarification, see my post “Perfectionism and Good Enough“

"Yes to God" Chapter 1... The Truth Hurts

This is my first time participating in “Yes to God” hosted by Lelia. I am excited to be reading through the book “Behind Those Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle. The first chapter is amazing!

A couple of the quotes that really hit me was this:

We lack honesty and authenticity, and our past experiences lead us to believe it is in our best interests to keep our true feelings hidden.

and

A painful truth revealed to us can also be the catalyst for us to become a mere shell of who we really are beneath all the fluff.

Boy, can I relate to that. When I was in junior high, I was told that I wasn’t a good volleyball player by my peers in gym class. The way they did it was cruel and torturous. I ended up crying in front of the whole gym class. It hurt. And knowing that my emotions spilled out in front of the whole class made me decide that I was never going to show my true feelings. I decided that I wasn’t going to be real about my feelings, or even thoughts, because it was too dangerous. And thus began my acting career.

When I was in high school, I became who I thought people wanted me to be. Even if it was something that I had the talent for, I pushed myself even harder in those areas. A good student for my parents, and not wanting to admit that I was in over my head (especially in Chemistry). A good singer for my choir directors, forcing myself to take leadership positions in the choir, so that I would be doing what was expected. Later, during college, and after as I worked, I strove to be the dedicated, reliable employee, the one everyone could count on. And on the charade went.

…we often alter our personalities to fit a role we think we need to play.

Once I was married I did the same thing. I played the role I thought I needed to. I tried to meet my husbands expectations. Tried to meet the expectations I put on myself for being the good Christian woman at church. I joined bible studies, I became part of a small group, I joined the worship team. It was what I was expected to do with the talents, and the seeming “togetherness” of my life.

But inside I felt like I was falling apart. The outside was a shell, and didn’t show really anything of who I was. Inside I was dying. Of suffocation, of unattained hopes and dreams, of unacknowledged pain.

Once I got into our small group, slowly I started seeing others being authentic in their relationships and what they shared. It challenged me to become more open and honest, and not do such surface prayer requests, but talk about what was really going on in my life.
It was scary, but freeing to start to figure out who I was. I am still learning what my thoughts and feelings are, and what it is like to have my own opinions.

Be honest… what is your deepest soul craving? What have you tried to do to satisfy it, both negatively and/or positively?

This was the question in the bible study that hit me the hardest. My deepest soul craving is one that Lisa mentioned. It is to be unconditionally loved, warts and all. Without having to worry about what that person thinks about me. Negative ways I have tried to satisfy it, has been in years past, looking to guys for the comfort of being held, if only for one night. And over and over, I found that it never really satisfied fully, and felt so guilty and dirty in the morning. Yet, I went back to that again and again… and try to figure this one out, all this started happening AFTER I became a Christian… Talk about putting up a front, and living a lie, being a female impersonator!

Positive ways have been seeking harder after God, and trying to find that fulfillment in Him. Slowly that is satisfying the need in me. As I see Him answering prayers, my heartfelt cries for healing and freedom, I am learning that I can trust Him, that He cares enough to fill my every need… that He is more than enough for me. I am starting to see that He will fill my heart to overflowing, and that though He knows everything about me, the good and bad, He loves me, and will never, ever leave me, or expect me to be something I am not. The truth of His Word shows me who He wants me to be, and who I am in Him. I would much rather walk in that Truth, than in the lies and deceptions I am so used to walking in!

I can’t wait for the next chapter, “Ms. Perfection.” “Behind Those Eyes” is an incredible book so far and I can’t wait to see others thoughts on it so far. If you want to join us in the book study, or want to read comments from others in the study, please stop by Lelia’s blog, and see what others have to say! Also, feel free to visit the author’s site Behind Those Eyes. She will be glad to see you there, and know you stopped by… leave her a comment to let her know!

God bless!