This is my first time participating in “Yes to God” hosted by Lelia. I am excited to be reading through the book “Behind Those Eyes,” by Lisa Whittle. The first chapter is amazing!
A couple of the quotes that really hit me was this:
We lack honesty and authenticity, and our past experiences lead us to believe it is in our best interests to keep our true feelings hidden.
A painful truth revealed to us can also be the catalyst for us to become a mere shell of who we really are beneath all the fluff.
Boy, can I relate to that. When I was in junior high, I was told that I wasn’t a good volleyball player by my peers in gym class. The way they did it was cruel and torturous. I ended up crying in front of the whole gym class. It hurt. And knowing that my emotions spilled out in front of the whole class made me decide that I was never going to show my true feelings. I decided that I wasn’t going to be real about my feelings, or even thoughts, because it was too dangerous. And thus began my acting career.
When I was in high school, I became who I thought people wanted me to be. Even if it was something that I had the talent for, I pushed myself even harder in those areas. A good student for my parents, and not wanting to admit that I was in over my head (especially in Chemistry). A good singer for my choir directors, forcing myself to take leadership positions in the choir, so that I would be doing what was expected. Later, during college, and after as I worked, I strove to be the dedicated, reliable employee, the one everyone could count on. And on the charade went.
…we often alter our personalities to fit a role we think we need to play.
Once I was married I did the same thing. I played the role I thought I needed to. I tried to meet my husbands expectations. Tried to meet the expectations I put on myself for being the good Christian woman at church. I joined bible studies, I became part of a small group, I joined the worship team. It was what I was expected to do with the talents, and the seeming “togetherness” of my life.
But inside I felt like I was falling apart. The outside was a shell, and didn’t show really anything of who I was. Inside I was dying. Of suffocation, of unattained hopes and dreams, of unacknowledged pain.
Once I got into our small group, slowly I started seeing others being authentic in their relationships and what they shared. It challenged me to become more open and honest, and not do such surface prayer requests, but talk about what was really going on in my life.
It was scary, but freeing to start to figure out who I was. I am still learning what my thoughts and feelings are, and what it is like to have my own opinions.
Be honest… what is your deepest soul craving? What have you tried to do to satisfy it, both negatively and/or positively?
This was the question in the bible study that hit me the hardest. My deepest soul craving is one that Lisa mentioned. It is to be unconditionally loved, warts and all. Without having to worry about what that person thinks about me. Negative ways I have tried to satisfy it, has been in years past, looking to guys for the comfort of being held, if only for one night. And over and over, I found that it never really satisfied fully, and felt so guilty and dirty in the morning. Yet, I went back to that again and again… and try to figure this one out, all this started happening AFTER I became a Christian… Talk about putting up a front, and living a lie, being a female impersonator!
Positive ways have been seeking harder after God, and trying to find that fulfillment in Him. Slowly that is satisfying the need in me. As I see Him answering prayers, my heartfelt cries for healing and freedom, I am learning that I can trust Him, that He cares enough to fill my every need… that He is more than enough for me. I am starting to see that He will fill my heart to overflowing, and that though He knows everything about me, the good and bad, He loves me, and will never, ever leave me, or expect me to be something I am not. The truth of His Word shows me who He wants me to be, and who I am in Him. I would much rather walk in that Truth, than in the lies and deceptions I am so used to walking in!
I can’t wait for the next chapter, “Ms. Perfection.” “Behind Those Eyes” is an incredible book so far and I can’t wait to see others thoughts on it so far. If you want to join us in the book study, or want to read comments from others in the study, please stop by Lelia’s blog, and see what others have to say! Also, feel free to visit the author’s site Behind Those Eyes. She will be glad to see you there, and know you stopped by… leave her a comment to let her know!