Friday, April 18, 2008

Feeling like giving up...

Ok, so the last post ended with the phrase:

Hmmm. Well. Let’s just say, as you can probably tell by the title… I completely feel like giving up now. I am not, haven’t, but really want to. I’m tired. I’m worn. I had a DAY with the kids!!! (you moms know what i mean)

It was one of those days… that I got myself up really early (for me) so that I could have some time with a good friend before my kids came home from their overnight with their grandparents. I needed to spend the time with her to at least try to build myself up to get through the rest of the day. For once I was able to let go while I was there, and just cry with her.

It was one of those days… when someone called and asked me how I was doing, that I just answered that I was fine. But neglected to mention the 2 times I called my counselor’s office… once to see if there was a cancellation, and once to see if I could get on the cancellation list, so I would be called if there was one. Also neglected to mention that I had held the phone in my hands numerous times that day, seriously considering calling the after hours phone service that gets messages to your counselors when they are in sessions or whatever.

It was one of those days… where I barely hung on as a person in her own right, much less being a mom to my kids. I did manage to feed them. But by the time supper was done and they were playing (and full of energy) I was sitting on the kitchen floor by the sink trying not to cry as they climbed and wrestled over me.

It was one of those days… where I was so desperate and depressed that I just didn’t know what to think or what to say to anyone, so I didn’t say much. My dear husband has no idea just how bad the day was. He didn’t sleep well last night, and was wiped out after a 12 hour day at work. He didn’t ask, and I didn’t offer. He doesn’t know how to help me… he really can’t because he can’t take away the depression.

It was one of those days… where I am finally winding down and sitting at the computer in a quiet house. Where I can finally feel the close of the day coming on and am so grateful for that. I am at a point in the day that I thought I wouldn’t be able to get to, and looking back at the day I had. I am sitting in the quiet, contemplating the things that I should have said when people asked me how I was doing. Contemplating, but thankful that I didn’t.
Fearful of what their reactions might have been.

Fearful of the outflow of emotions that talking too much would have caused.
Scared of how hard it was to control thoughts today.
Scared of how out of control I felt.
Worried about how I came across to the kids today.
Worried about how poorly I coped today.

Hmmm. And how many times does the bible say “Do not be afraid…” ?? Yeah. Didn’t do too well there today.

So here I am at the end of my day. I am writing about how terrible I felt all day. About how hopeless I felt. About how incompetent I felt as a mom, as a wife. About how much all I wanted to do was sleep all day. About how much I didn’t want to reveal how low I was to those around me.

And I am writing it for everyone to see. Seems backwards doesn’t it? Shouldn’t I have talked to people today, during the day, when they could have helped? I did talk to a few people. And they helped or offered help as best they could in the circumstances they were in for the day.

What about tomorrow? Well, I am going to take a day for myself. The children will be at the farm running off their energy and screams out there where there is more room to spread out, rather than here, creating a pounding headache. I will sleep as long as I want. Take a walk in the rain if I want. Go to the coffee shop if I want. Basically try to spend the day re-grouping and re-focusing if I can, to get ready for next week.

And I will try to cling to the hope that God will renew my mind overnight. That He will blow a fresh breath through my soul tonight as I sleep, so that I will wake up with a bit of joy in this heart of mine. I will pray for God’s power through the night, so that in the morning, I can cling to my Jesus with fresh strength in my feeble hands.

I don’t know… is that hope? In the bleakness of my heart right now, I just don’t know. I try to end on a hopeful note for those of you who want to see a sign of hope, but can I and still be truthful? Am I even right in posting this? I don’t know if I should even be this honest on my blog. Is it too transparent? Is it too honest? Will I want people to read this years from now? Is this stuff, these emotions, these feelings of helplessness and despair at times, better left between me and God and not shared? I don’t know. Too many questions with no answers. At least not from this girl right now.

It’s too late, and I am too tired. So I am going to do a spell check, and hit the post button before I can stop myself. For those of you still reading this, know that I am trying to cling to hope. Know that it is hard. Know that most of the time I feel like I am falling backwards rather than moving forwards. Know that even though I had a mountain top experience with my Jesus a few weeks ago, and even though I know in my head and heart that I am still in His lap, I still am in a place of darkness and despair… but that is a whole other post. Maybe one I will get to tomorrow, on my day of rest.

God, my Jesus, please grant me rest this night. Any of the true thoughts I have had of You today, any scriptures that I have read, promises You have made me that I have encountered today, please let those things continue in my mind as I sleep. Protect my whole family from any attempt of the enemy to attack us during our sleep. Guard and protect my children out at the farm. Give them peace, and healing from anything that I may have done wrong today… give them short memories in those areas. Guard this house with Your hedge of protection; guard my husband and I as we sleep and fill this house with Your Presence, so that we have peaceful dreams and wake refreshed to do your will in the morning. Reset my thoughts and feelings and attitudes and help me to make right choices tomorrow morning that will start me out on the right foot for the day. So that the day is made up with You as the focus, not me, or my emotions, or my problems, but You, and from there how YOU relate to all the other stuff.

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