I had my appointment Wednesday morning. I was exhausted emotionally the rest of the day. I woke up early Thursday morning, unable to sleep (at 4am!!!!) and went into our dark living room and curled up on the love seat in a pile of stuffed animals left from the kids, and stared out the window at the dark street for a little bit. Then the tears started. I was just so overwhelmed by the desire to run, to escape, and was remembering Tricia’s words of encouragement to claim Eph. 6:13, and to stand… having done everything, to stand.
I don’t want to stand! I want to run! I want to hide! I don’t want the responsibility anymore. For a house, for my husband, for my kids, for seeking healing… for anything. But unfortunately I know that God wants me to stand. So what did I do?
I cried. No, strike that. I sobbed.
Then I blew my nose, pulled myself together and got out my bible and my Beth Moore devotional and spent some quiet time with God. Then I read Psalm 63. You know, this one:
O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, To see Your power and Your glory.
Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, My lips will praise You.
So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.
My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, And my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.
When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches,
For You have been my help, And in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.
My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.
But those who seek my life to destroy it, Will go into the depths of the earth.
They will be delivered over to the power of the sword; They will be a prey for foxes.
But the king will rejoice in God; Everyone who swears by Him will glory, For the mouths of those who speak lies will be stopped.
Yeah, it spoke right to where I was at. I read it. Then I cried some more. Then I read it again, and then the third time, while crying, I read it out loud.
After that I was able to mop up my tears and settle down more. My heart was more at peace, and I was able to curl up in bed, snuggle my cold toes against my husband, and fall back asleep.
Let me tell you, this despair thing in the middle of the night is going to get old quick. I am fighting tears even now. All I want to do is go out running in the rain (and I DON’T run… walk or roller blade is one thing… running… NOPE!) But seeing as it is past midnight, and who knows what time I will be woken in the morning, the only other option is to sleep.
Maybe in the morning, or sometime tomorrow I will be able to write some more. Then I will be able tell a bit more about my counseling. But this way it shows those of you who visit me here, how to pray better for me.