For those of you who have been keeping track, I just wanted to let you know that I didn’t end up going to counseling this week. I ended up deciding to cancel. I figured that I would be able to get through this week, because things are going to be so busy around our house. It will be a crazy weekend.
I was very nervous about deciding to do this. Up to yesterday morning I was still wavering back and forth if I should do it or not. I just couldn’t make up my mind. I felt torn, and finally decided that I had to make a decision, because if I didn’t I was going to have a rough day, and by not making a conscious decision, I was making a decision anyway. If I didn’t decide conclusively to call and cancel, or to not call and keep the appointment, I would end up keeping the appointment… by default.
So, I finally ended up calling. And canceled. And then to keep my mind occupied I called a local spa that I had a gift certificate for. Surprisingly, they had an opening yesterday. During the time that I would have been in counseling… so I went to the spa instead, and had a wonderful hour long massage! Hmmm, was that a confirmation for me, from God, that I did the right thing? I am choosing to believe it was.
One thing that I could really use prayer for though… As I have looked ahead at this weekend, I have seen that God has given me some major points of down time. I also really feel that God is giving me an assignment to work on before my next appointment with Tricia. Sigh. It’s hard enough when Tricia gives me something to work on. It’s completely a different thing when God gives me the assignment.
I feel like He has been prompting me to start dealing with some more current issues. No matter what I have done this week, my Jesus keeps on bringing things up to me. Unfortunately it is going to require me looking through old journals (18 of them since 1998!!) and seeing what I can pull together. Working on some emotions from more recent situations that I have been avoiding. Working through some major hurts I have received from people closest to me. None of it fun. None of it easy. All of it scaring me.
I know that God worked me through “the box” in counseling just over 2 weeks ago, because He wanted me to have a base trust in Him. He wanted my feet to be on the solid rock, Him. He wanted me to feel His arms around me, His comfort, and the knowledge that He will guide me through the pain of these more recent things. I never would have been able to handle dealing with some of this stuff a month or more ago. As a matter of fact, my counselor commented that we hadn’t discussed anything about these other topics. I said, “I know” and moved on… didn’t want to even touch it. She didn’t push, thankfully. And God hasn’t pushed those issues either.
I talked with a couple of close friends here about it, and both have encouraged me to start facing it… even if it is only a little bit this week, and if I can only go so far before my appointment this coming Wednesday with Tricia. Getting a start on it at least might help. The issues scare me. My possible reactions scare me. Facing the hurt scares me.
Why should it? I have a God who is bigger than all that. I have chosen to forgive the people involved in the hurt. Unfortunately the hurt is still there. Unprocessed. Raw. A wound that won’t heal. Because I haven’t faced it and cleaned it out. I have avoided. I have buried. I have concentrated on other things…. desperately trying to deny that pain’s existence.
I think God was willing to overlook it, because He was preparing my heart. Preparing my mind. Laying the ground work of trust and surrender that needed to be there before I could deal with these things. My Jesus was willing to let me hide from that pain until now, because in His tenderness, He knew that my heart needed to feel safe with Him, safe with a few close friends who I can trust to pray me through this, and safe with my counselor who I can trust to guide me in His way through this.
Now I have to trust Him this weekend. Surrender my plans and my worries, my fears and my hurts. And allow Him to pick that next piece out of the box, and heal it back into place in my heart.
Just this time, it is a lot bigger piece than some of the others were. It cut me to the very core the first time I handled it to shove it into that black box. I am afraid to even look at it now, even if I don’t have to handle it, because Jesus will.
Hmmm… Jesus will handle the piece of my heart that was so injurious to me. His hands are already scarred. He has already bled and died. For that piece of my life. For the people who broke it off of my heart. So, if it is in His hands, and covered by His blood, shouldn’t I be able to look at it? See the pain? Grieve the separation? Mourn the loss? But let it go?
Just a thought that came to me at the end here… something I will have to ponder as I start to look into some of this stuff. Please pray for me, and with me that God’s will would be done, that His healing will take place in this area of my life too, that I will be willing to follow where He leads… right now I find that I am struggling not to dig in my heels.