Monday, April 14, 2008


I just wanted all of you who know me, and will be praying for me. I just feel like I am in a spot of trouble right now. I know what God wants me to do, and tonight, I am running.

This weekend, after some stalling big time, I did start facing some things. But tonight, as I have had the chance, now that the kids are in bed (finally) and I am alone in the upstairs… well, I am running from God. I am numbing down my emotions, using medication, because I have been dealing with more anxiety daily than I have since the end of last fall at least. I had a major panic attack on the way to church (part of which I feel was a major spiritual attack, because of the oppression I felt) and I am just really struggling right now.

It doesn’t help that I am tired and worn out. I am so sick of fighting this anxiety. I go to see Tricia on Wednesday, and I doubt that even if I called in the morning that I would be able to get in anytime tomorrow, her schedule is just too busy.

I guess I am just asking for some major prayer to help me through till Wednesday at 11am (central time) for my appointment… and then that I would be willing to listen to Tricia, and to follow her suggestions. That I would even be willing to go. I know that is what God wants (is for me to go) and what the enemy is trying to keep me from doing.

My emotions are currently shutting down, because when I let them out, I get nearly hysterical, sob, cry, and am unable to function… and the anxiety and panic go through the roof. I can’t describe the internal shaking I felt earlier today, and yesterday. Somehow despite the extreme fear I had yesterday, I was still able to audition for a couple of solo’s for my choir concert. No word back on those. Also please pray that if I don’t get one, that I won’t be too disappointed. Right now, that might be more than I can manage to swallow down.

I just need God’s help, and though I know that I am cradled in His arms, and I have peace about that… well, I am still fearful. I know that I can have confidence in Him and still be afraid… something new I learned today… and that it doesn’t mean that I don’t have enough faith…
I guess I am really struggling right now to cling to the Truth. Pray that I will keep clinging, and renew my hold on Him, my Jesus.

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