Thursday, April 17, 2008

Not giving up...

Ever heard the expression “The tail is wagging the dog?”

Well, that is what Tricia said it seems like is happening with me and my emotions. My emotions are controlling me, rather than me controlling my emotions. Honestly, i don’t see the difference. When I have an emotion, I feel it. She said I need to learn to regulate my emotions.

You can do that?

Yesterday we started tackling yet another area of pain in my life. One of my good friends reminded me that because of the hard work I am doing now, in the future, all I will have to deal with are the things that come up from day to day, and week to week. Current stuff. Once I get rid of this baggage, I will finally be able to be free to deal with just the daily stuff, and not have other things added in.

What freedom that will be!

Right now, even though I am needing to deal with deep hurt, bitterness, and even struggling with why I need to revisit it… I still am able to picture myself in Jesus’ lap, with His arms around me, my heart in His hands. It takes me reminding myself. But I know I am still there. And it still gives me a sense of peace.

Some people would ask, “Why do you have to go back to that pain? Isn’t it just stirring it up again, and making you relive it, wallow in it?” Yes, it does stir it up again. Yes, it does hurt. But I have realized that if I don’t go back there and deal with it; grieve it, mourn it, work through it either by myself and God or with the help of someone else; the pain is still going to be there. It will still be eating away at me from the inside out, like a cancer… especially if I ignore it.

It is such hard work going back into the past. It is so hard to examine things that have caused me such extreme pain. I keep thinking I might have a chance at some rest, and then I see there is something more to work on.

Last night I found myself in such a state. I was wanting to run away from dealing with the pain so much, that I even called my counselor’s office to see if she had another appointment available either late this week or early next week. The receptionist said she didn’t, but offered to get a message to Tricia. I panicked and said, “No, I think I will be all right.” I ended up fleeing the house with my daughter, and running errands all night, just so I wouldn’t have to think. I was dodging thinking about anything. I was trying, I guess, to accustom myself to feeling this pain again, but from a new spot, a new perspective. And I was running from it.

Today I am a little better. I am still in pain, but it is a bit more manageable, and I can laugh with my kids and husband. And I received a call from my associate pastor just now. He gave me the following scripture to hang my hat on, per se.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

Did you see that? We will reap a harvest if we do not give up. How did my pastor know that I was feeling like giving up? That I am just so tired, that I am just so worn out from working on things that I just want to curl up somewhere and hide for a bit. I am weary… but this was an encouragement to me, because others get weary too, even so, we are exhorted not to give up, but to keep going… elsewhere in the bible it talks about running the race marked out for us, pressing on to take hold of that which Christ took hold of for us.

Continuing on.
Pressing on.
Forging ahead.

So I am encouraged, in the midst of my weariness.

Because of a timely phone call from my pastor.

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