Before you start reading this, I have to warn you, I am processing as I write, and getting distracted by the kids somewhat, so this might end up wandering a bit. I have journaled some of this out last night in my hand written journal, but I am still processing. When I do process, my brain goes all over, so please bear with me!
One of the things I have realized, through my quiet time today, was the need to thank and praise God in every circumstance. King David was hiding in caves, running from Saul, yet there are Psalms that he wrote during that time that are full of praise and thanks. He begged for help, but then he called God his refuge, his shield, his strong tower… and praised God’s name.
God just spoke to my heart, showing me that I need to thank Him in all circumstances. The good and the bad. It just took on a new meaning for me today. I don’t know why it didn’t sink in before this.
I guess as I have been working through this weekend, I have not been focused on my Jesus. I have been working on things from my own perspective all weekend. I have been trying to think through my week, and figure out if I can make it through this week without going to a counseling session. I have been looking at the week, and seeing all the things that I have to do, and all the things that can keep me occupied, so that I don’t have to think too hard, or have too much down time to worry about anything. If I were to skip this week’s appointment, I would probably be able to do it, because I will be having a full week to keep me occupied.
Is that a good enough reason to cancel my appointment?
I don’t know. God has slowly been revealing to me some things that I need to work through. Things not so much in my past, as in my present. God has healed so much in my past. He has held me in His arms and healed me in amazing ways… in areas of my life that I didn’t even realize were still hurting, because I had become so accustomed to the pain.
Fifteen years ago, this month, I became a Christian and gave over my heart to Christ. All through those years I have lived with hurt. But a lot of the deep wounds I have had, have been in these last 15 years. A lot of those wounds were made by other people who were Christians, whom I had trusted. Talk about some bitterness, and hurt and unforgiveness. But God. Always BUT GOD. He was working through these years, to bring me to a point of total surrender.
I guess I feel like Jesus has brought me to a point between the storms. He came to me in the pit I am in, and He held me and helped me deal with that box in my life. He showed me how He is healing me. But I am still in the pit. I have realized He didn’t lift me out of the pit. I was seated on His lap, but I was still in the pit. But Jesus showed me that He is here with me.
I feel like I am in limbo right now. There is not so much pain as there was before, but a sense of anticipation (or dread?). I can see some storm clouds on the horizon, and I am not sure I am ready or want to face the storm. I guess it’s just like when the weather forecasters tell us a big storm is on the way. We take the time we have before it hits to put things away, get the yard cleaned, secure the house, board up windows, etc… to be ready for the storm when it hits.
Maybe that is where I am at right now. I have to keep my eye on the sky to see when the storm is imminent, but I have to prepare. Actually, I have to let God prepare me. In my own strength I am afraid. In Christ, I don’t have to be.
I suppose that is what this whole post is about. I know I am rambling, but my devotional this morning really struck me. David was weathering so many storms in his life, yet he kept His eyes fixed on his God. Even when he was in despair, his eyes were still on his God.
I need to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. I don’t know what this week will bring. I don’t know how my emotions will be doing on Thursday, so I don’t know right now if I will be able to cancel the appointment. Also, even if my emotions are all over, or I am not doing as well, should I not go? Shouldn’t I learn that with God’s help I can work through whatever is going on? Shouldn’t I give myself the opportunity to see that I don’t NEED to have Tricia help me through everything? God is really all I need. And if I find that over the weekend I am having trouble working through things, or get myself in a big muddle, I will be able to see Tricia the following Wednesday and get some perspective from her. Her viewpoint, from a “spectator” or “big picture” standpoint can give me a better understanding of what is going on. If I let a couple of weeks go between appointments, maybe I will be able to work through some things on my own and then have her feedback.
See what I mean, I have been doing this all weekend. Trying to use my logic to figure out what to do. I just don’t want to end up “muscling through” to the next week because I think I should.
Jesus knows what this week is going to bring. He knows if I will be going to my appointment. He knows if I will need it or not. I know that Jesus can get me through this week, whether I go or not. I just somehow have to keep refocusing my gaze… from my problems to my Jesus. My Jesus is my ultimate healer and counselor. He is the one who does it all, and is in control of all, and knows all. How else can I get through this week, unless I rely on Him?
So I guess the it is time now to prepare, strengthen my walls, get ready for the next things Jesus wants me walk through. Preparing my mind with the word of God, praying and keeping my focus on Him. Reading the Truth and reminding myself of the truth, no matter what my feelings may say to me.
No matter what my feelings say, Jesus is with me, His Spirit is in me, my God is guiding me. He is my strength and my refuge, my rock in times of trouble, my joy in all things. I have to remember that it doesn’t matter that I am still in the pit, or what I am struggling with. Because, even when I look at all the things I need to do, or things I am feeling, I have to remember…