Saturday, February 16, 2008

Healing, snow, and transparency...

Today, some of the things I have worked on and thru have shown me yet again, how hard it is to heal. I have been working thru some emotional baggage, and it is taking a lot more work than I anticipated. I am so tired emotionally, and physically now… I feel like I just got out of a tough counseling session. Go figure! I probably have pushed myself a little bit more today than I needed to. If I want to really heal, I know that it is going to be hard work. And knowing myself, because I like studying, and I like doing “homework,” anything that my counselor asks me to do, things that she knows will help me heal, I will do. Dave told me that sometime I should just not do the homework. Yeah, I just can’t do that. I don’t know that I have the capability. I am working on not being the perfect client… at least my counselor wants me to do that, but that may be the assignment that I don’t do!

Beyond that, today, we went under a winter storm warning… they are predicting 6-12 inches in our general area and 5-8 inches in the Wausau area. Now I tell you, and any of my friends can attest to it, that I absolutely love snow! However, because Dave and I missed our small group this week, I have really been looking forward to going to church tomorrow. If church is canceled, or if we can’t get our of our driveway, I am going to be really disappointed. I was out twice this week without the children. Once to my friend Cindy’s house for a few hours of fellowship, and then the next morning for my counseling appointment. Wednesday morning was my counseling appointment, and today (Saturday) was the first time out of the house since then. I took Peter with me to go shopping, eat and then get his hair cut. It was fun, but I would have loved to gone to lunch with a friend or something, or done something for myself. It sounds selfish to me to even write it. But I have a couple of gift certificates… to bookstores, and to a clothes store at the mall. It would be really nice to get out and use them.

Then of course, it is still really nice to be able to take care of my family. I love the kids, and I have had a good week with Peter and Marina. Some good play times and snuggle times. And it was nice to be able to stay home with Dave on Valentines day. Valentines has not been a high rater in my life. Let’s just say there have been a few incidents that have been rather painful that have happened to me on Valentine’s Day, so it is not my most favorite holiday.

I talked to Dave about it and mentioned that, and Dave said that he wasn’t those people. I told him that I know that. However much I know that, sometimes it is really hard to know in my heart… the “holiday” has just been tainted for me. Maybe someday I will get beyond that. I at least was able to stay home, and show Dave that I loved him, and gave him a card. It was nice to be here with him. Maybe that is just a step in right direction. A step toward healing.

And maybe sometime I will be able be healed enough that when it is appropriate, I will be able to be fully transparent and authentic. I know that’s what God wants his followers to be… transparent and authentic so that Christ can be seen through us.

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