Thursday, February 14, 2008

Sections of our lives...

Well, yesterday at counseling we talked about a lot of things. One of the things we were talking about was how each of us has different roles we play in our lives. My counselor gave me a diagram to help demonstrate how it works. Each of the sections is a different role. Mom, daughter, sister, singer, wife, job, etc. And for most of us, one of the sections is pain, where the “hurt child” part of us is too. Some of us separate out our pain sections by not allowing it to touch the other areas. (note the dark black lines around that section, and no arrows) All the other areas kind of blend back and forth. We may act different as a friend or sister than we do when we are in our “wife” role (substitute in your own roles), but we remember who we are through all of them. For me, my pain is so isolated, that any event that causes me pain goes there. That section I think has been growing more and more for me, and though it was completely separate, when I was experiencing the pain, or in that hurt child section, I was unable to function in any of the other areas. I forgot who I was at my core when I was there.

What we are doing through our counseling is trying to break down the dark lines that are separating the pain part of me from everything else. We are trying to make those lines blur so that hurt child can heal and become part of the whole. When I am hurt as a wife, or as a mom, or as a daughter or whatever, the ideal is that I won’t compartmentalize it any more, and I will be able to still be a wife in pain, or mom in pain, or daughter in pain as the case may be. The problem is right now, those lines are mostly in place still, and the little breaks that are in them, are allowing me to see the hurt from the other areas, and starting to experience it in the other areas of my life. It gets overwhelming. It hurts. It is difficult to focus on anything else. I am trying to trust that God will take care of me through this all. That I don’t need to know all the answers, but that He does, and doesn’t need to tell me… I just need to trust that He is with me, and that somehow all this will work out.

There was so much more that we talked about yesterday. So many things that we have found we need to deal with. When we were done, my counselor asked me how I was doing. I looked away for a moment, and said “I feel like I could curl up somewhere and cry for about 3 hours. The problem is that I have to drive home now and will probably cry all the way home which is not a good idea while driving.” She agreed that wasn’t a good idea, and she suggested I find somewhere to sit and get it out. Then she prayed for me, and the tears came of course. I left, nearly fled, the office and headed down the hall to the bathroom on that floor. I was able to lock the door behind me, and just crumpled to the floor and cried. I only was able to allow myself 10 minutes because I needed to go and pick up my sick son from his grandparents. So I pulled myself together, and headed home. I am not going back to my counselor until next week Friday. I think I will be able to manage until then. I was so anxious yesterday because of Peter being sick and thinking about stuff we had talked about that I was unable to do any journaling or anything. I was just in survival mode. I went to bed last night with a slightly upset stomach, though I think some of that was from the anxiety. Hopefully things will be better today.

I am so thankful that God is my strength in my weakness. For I feel very weak right now. Unable to cope, unable to think about getting through this weekend, much less this week. I feel like I want to go in to see my counselor sooner, just so that I can work through some more things. I don’t think there are any openings in her schedule that accomidate my schedule, so I will just wait. I pray for the strength to deal with anything that comes up this weekend and next week. And I pray that someday I will be able to not feel like I am hanging on by my fingernails. I pray that some day I will be able to not only believe, but know in my heart that God sent Jesus to…

Comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion -
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
And that someday I will among those called…
oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of His splendor.
(Isaiah 61:3)

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