Thursday, February 21, 2008

Joy, clouds, and a choice...

The last couple of days have been really good. I have had a lot of fun with the kids, and there have been a lot of moments of joy. Even yesterday was really good. I was busy getting the house ready for family group tonight, but had time to visit with a good friend, and play with the kids.

Dave got home from work in a great mood, and I ran to the grocery store to grab another ingredient for dinner. Got home, no problems with the kids or my husband, got supper on the table, etc. Then I sat down to eat. And I crashed. I have no idea why. I just crashed. I felt like crying, like the darkness that had been leaving me alone for a few days was suddenly back, heavier than before. I felt like crying for hours and hiding away for the rest of the night.

I have to confess I was in a horrible mood. Short with the kids, short with my husband. I felt so bad for them last night, but I just couldn’t stop. By the time the kids were in bed, I headed downstairs to our office retreat in the basement. I was a mess.

I regrouped and went to bed at a decent time. Slept ok, but had weird dreams, and was very restless. When I woke this morning, I still felt like I had a rain cloud over my head… ok, here, it would be considered snow… as it is so picking cold out!!! The metaphor still stands. I still felt stinky. (not literally) :)

I have worked all day to get the house ready to host study. Praise God Dave d0esn’t have to work tonight, so he can be here too. It will be the first time in a while that our whole small group will be here intact. We have so much to share and talk about, it will be good to see everyone again.

As I sat and tried to gather my thoughts this afternoon and spend some time with God, I started reading through some passages I had been given on depression. One of them referenced Psalm 27.

“Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; You have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior. Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” Ps. 27:9-10

And that is how I have been feeling last night and today. That God has been hiding His face from me, a fear that He might reject or forsake me. But I like the last little bit of those verses… the Lord WILL receive me. A decision. A choice.

“For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in His dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.” Ps. 27:5

A choice to believe the truth. A choice to believe that He will do what He says He will do. A choice to believe that He is who He says He is.

A choice.

A decision of the will.

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