Sunday, February 10, 2008

Anger, hurt and hope...

I have been struggling all weekend with what I should write here. There are some things that are too private. I know that God is guiding me, but some of the things I have to work through are so painful. One of my biggest problems… I tend to shut down most negative emotions. So when I have anger or negative thoughts about someone, I don’t acknowledge them, I don’t even consciously think about them for more than maybe a day or so, and then its stuffed way down inside. I may still be bitter at the person, or I may have forgiven them, but I still am dealing with the after effects of the anger, because I have turned that anger on myself, rather than dealing with the anger right away, and resolving it.

My counselor is trying to help me work through the negative emotions that I have developed through different experiences in my life. When I have stuffed anger and not even acknowledged it, I end up turning it on myself. It has manifested itself as depression and self hate. But let me tell you, it is really hard for me to acknowledge that anger towards someone else. I don’t want to, because I feel it is dishonoring to those people…. and so I try to stuff again, but this time it isn’t as easy, because I have started to acknowledge that anger inside. I know it is there. I don’t want to face it. But I know it is there. I try to hide from it. But I know it is there.

But the biggest thing I can’t hide from is God. And He is bigger than the anger inside, bigger than my darkest thoughts, bigger than my wildest hopes, bigger than my deepest despair, bigger than my largest dreams.

"Where can I go from your Spirit, where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens You are there. If I make my bed in the depths, You are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me, the light will become night around me,” even darkness will not be dark to you, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you."
Psalm 139:7-12

I can’t hide from God. I can’t shroud myself in darkness. I can try, but it won’t work. Because God created my inmost being, He knit me together in my mothers womb. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, all His works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I mentioned that my counselor challenged me to read Psalm 139. It was good timing. When I was looking at it earlier this week, I determined that I was going to memorize it, rather than just read it. I figured I would internalize it better. I was right. As of tonight I have 18 verses memorized. I have 6 more to go before Wednesday. I want to have the whole thing memorized by the time I go to see her so that I can show her that I not only did I read it but I memorized it. I want to have these verses on hand as I struggle through things, so that I can be reminded that God is my God, the one who created me.

A good friend that I sing with in choir came to me tonight and gave me a book to read… “The Upside of Down: Finding Hope When it Hurts,” by Joseph Stowell. Already I can tell that it is going to be a good book. I am praying that it will help me grab on to more truths, that will help me through this time of struggle, that will give me hope. For I need that hope that only God can give me through His word and truth. It has been a long, long road. And I think I still have a long road ahead of me.

As a song “Hear me Calling, Great Redeemer,” by Fernando Ortega says;
“As I walk, Lord through the valley, hold my hand, hold my trembling hand. If I stumble by the wayside, in Your strength, help me stand.”

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